How to Deal With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb,” says relationship expert and author Barbara De Angelis. “It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.”
Part of loving your spouse is learning to cope with his first wife. That’s what these tips are all about: dealing with your husband’s toxic ex-wife before she destroys your marriage.
For added support, read The Single Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace. You’ll see yourself in those pages, and you’ll learn how to cope with an ex who drives you – and your husband – crazy!
6 Tips for Dealing With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
Get the ex-wife on your side – invite her for coffee
One of the best ways to build a healthy remarriage is to get your husband’s ex-wife on your side. I know this sounds outrageous, but think about calling her up, telling her you want the best for her kids, and asking if she can make time to meet you for an hour or so. Tell her you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Compliment her on how she’s raising them – she must have done something right over the years!
Let your husband’s ex-wife get to know you
You want to help her get to know who you are as a person. She’ll be less likely to criticize you if she knows you. It’s incredibly easy to criticize people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex-husband and her kids probably like you. Of course she’s an angry ex-wife – you’re succeeding in areas she “failed”). But, it’s more difficult to criticize people we know and love.
Tell your husband’s ex-wife what she did and does right
Is she a good mother? Does she have a super clean or well-decorated house? Focus on what she does well, and tell her how much you admire that trait. You’re not being a sycophant or brown noser; you’re focusing on the positive qualities of your husband’s ex-wife. That might soften her, make her less angry or negative. To build a better marriage, you might need to take the first step towards peace and friendship.
Read about dealing with difficult or toxic women
The more you learn about coping with angry, unreasonable people – and setting your boundaries – the better off you’ll be. Do whatever it takes to make your remarriage successful: attend workshops, read books with your husband, go to family counseling. Learn how to dial down your own angry, frustrated responses and how to get the most out of your new marriage. I know it’s difficult, frustrating, and even aggravating – but when your husband’s ex-wife causes marriage problems, you may have to bear the burden.
You may also have to learn about dealing with difficult husbands, because sometimes they cause unnecessary problems with their ex-wives.
Leave your stepchildren out of your marriage problems
No matter how angry his ex-wife is, or how frustrated or hurt you are, don’t involve your husband’s kids in the problems. The kids are (probably) innocent bystanders – and you’d be better off focusing on connecting with your step children instead of involving them in adult marriage and remarriage problems.
To solve marriage problems before they begin, read Second Marriages That Work – 10 Tips for “Happily Ever After.”
Forgive your husband for his past marriage (and choice of ex-wife!)
If you think your husband made a bad marriage choice in the past, shake off your resentment or anger. He was a different person when he met and married his first wife – and so was she. He made the best decision he could, he fell in love, and he thought he was doing the right thing.
Don’t make him pay now for a decision he made years ago…that’ll just tear at the fabric of your marriage. Instead, accept him for who he is as a whole man – and that includes his first marriage and his angry ex-wife.
If you think your husband is part of the problem, read Secrets Husbands Keep From Their Wives.
Do you think you can’t deal with your husband’s ex-wife? Read the comments below – you’ll see you’re not alone.
Category: Remarriages
Thanks to those who have described their efforts to take the high ground and decided not deal with the high-conflict ex directly – it’s strengthened my resolve.
Having sought advice from various sources, my husband and I have in place a ‘minimal/low contact approach’. This means we only respond in writing to the ex where matters relate directly to the children. We ignore the provocative remarks etc and keep our responses factual, direct, informative and pleasant.
It’s no magic wand but has worked well towards minimising the disruption in our lives. Exchanges of the children take place in public where there are witnesses; if nothing else, this sets boundaries (very important) regarding each other’s properties and allows all of us a private life. We document disruptive events for anticipated court dates.
I hope this guides others as we have been. Good luck.
My husbands ex wife is a nightmare. Me and my husband have known each other for 11 years been together for 2 and been married 7 months. She hated me at first bc he left her for me, she had every right to hate me, but then we started to get along. Se would text me all the time, have me pick the kids up from school [10 and 12] is she was busy, she even wated me to straighten her hair one day b4 a funeral. I just had my 3rd son 6 weeks ago, he is me and my husbands first child together. She would come over to my home and tell me to pack his bag she is taking him and we can have another one but she’s taing this one.! Me being hormonal got very upset bc she didn’t just say it once or twice, she said it 20 times everytime I saw her and I had had enough. I told her to stop trying to steal me baby that she’s upsetting me. Big mistake, she has made my life a living hell. I no longer have a name, I’m referred to as ‘her’ and am told that her kids are none of my business and I am no longer aloud to call her or text. The kids went from staying over her for almost a month to only coming every other weekend at which she makes sue to not drop them off till 10 pm Friday night. If my husband questions her in any way about her being late or her smoking around my step daughter with severe allergies she hangs up on him. She has brought her own children into all this dram as well. We never spak ill of her when the kids are here and I stilltr to be nice to her but I am sick of it. I’m ready to get away from her. I have a physical reaction to her name, if my husbands phone rings my stomach twists in knots. What do I do, me and my husband are fighting a lot bc of her bc of my hate for her. He just wants to ignoe her and let her have her way just to make her happy.
Needless to say my husbands ex-wife is awful and very difficult to deal with. In the beginning I tried to befriend her for the children only. Although she is constantly trying to make my life miserable I get more upset about their past together than what happens now. I hate that they were married and had children. I hate the thoughts of my husband being with someone else. These thoughts consume me and I am unable to let this go. I can’t even be intimate with my husband without thinking about him being intimate with her. His mother hangs on to pictures of their wedding, births, etc. It makes me physically sick to have seen those pictures and I can’t get the images out of my mind.
My husband’s ex-wife is extremely toxic. He and I have been together for 5 years, married for 8 months. He has two sons, aged 19 and 23 who are incredible young men and who I love as my own. For the past 5 years I’ve been subjected to her antics. These range from her texting my husband with pornographic images of herself, sending him texts asking him if he “wants to f*ck”, “attempting” suicide on 3 occasions to garner attention (she only swallowed 4 sleeping pills in one of her attempts), trying to take him to court for maintenance (when my husband and I pay for EVERYTHING to do with her two sons, they even live with us). She even wrote to her youngest son asking him “what is it about this woman” that this child loves about me. She has resorted to fraudulent activities to fabricate legal documents to demonstrate that my husband is legally entitled to pay her rent.
My husband and I left our home country a year ago to work abroad, which was a relief to be able to escape her clutches. The messages, phone calls and texts to him didn’t die down even though we were in a different country. She has subsequently become engaged to a man she met last year so her harassment has slowed although she still sends him the occasional text which demonstrates her tenacity. Her youngest son recently wanted nothing more to do with his mother, … labeling her as a “spineless, coward, intent on destroying the relationship I have with dad”. Being the logical person I am, I encouraged him to make amends with her which he has done.
Throughout her harassment, I remained uninvolved although I am very sensitive and emotional with a very short temper. It has been a monumental struggle to retain my dignity over the years but I have managed to never say a bad word about her to the boys, neither have I responded to her trashy tactics. I left the sordid mess to my husband to deal with. There is not much we can do. The only control we have is the control over ourselves. I take comfort in the fact I have not lowered myself to her standards. I am proud to be the second wife.
I tried this approach with my husband’s ex wife. What a joke! I extended an olive branch to her repeatedly, only to have her beat me with it. When I tried to set up a meeting. She said she just didn’t feel good about that. When I tried to give her the opportunity to get to know me(as I would expect any parent would want to know who their child is spending time with), she replied that she knew enough. When I have tried by phone to talk to her she only wants to know what my husband told me about their divorce and that she is the only one that has been a parent to their son. And she can take that and own it because according to the GUARDIAN AD LITEM he is a master manipulator. My step son has told me face to face when I asked him why he doesn’t treat me like his parents, he said it’s because I’m smart like him! Can you believe this?? My husband won’t take a stand on anything. I’m only here because of my commitment to marriage, not the marriage itself. Sad my children are having to live in this environment.
Hi Casey, I know how you feel – I am in exactly the same situation and I often don’t feel my husband shows his loyalty to me over issues with his toxic ex-wife. However, I try not to involve the issues directly over my stepchildren, because at the end of the day it’s not their fault at all. Why don’t you consider going with your husband to collect them from the airport – you could put on a very loving, together “show” in front of her – that should really give her a message and also, show her you’re not bothered what she’s trying to do. She mustn’t think she’s “won”. I have tried to be friendly to my husband’s ex-wife and she still treats me like dirt, but it is always worth a try. But I totally understand how you feel. I guess your husband feels guilty and perhaps torn between keeping you happy and the children happy. But as I said, it’s not the fault of the children and it’s important to try to keep them out of it. Best of luck, I do feel for you, it’s a horrible situation you’re in.
My husband’s ex wife took the children on a vacation. She has become increasingly jealous of our marriage and happiness and likes to flex her power in any way she can. She called him to ask him to pick them up from the airport. I said absolutely not. I knew what she was doing. Why didn’t she make arrangements before? Because she wanted to show me that she can still get his attention and make him do things. I told him how disrespectful it is to me. He called his mother for advice and she stuck up for the ex wife by saying “It’s for the children”. Fine, then when he and I go on a vacation I will have him call her to have her pick us up with the children in the car. It’s the same thing. She doesn’t want to pick me up and I don’t want him to pick her up. It’s about respect.
Hi Jo,
I think going to family therapy is a great idea. It’s not unreasonable to ask — it’s probably the best thing you could do as a family, and the best way to deal with your husband’s toxic ex-wife.
If that doesn’t happen, I encourage you to go to individual counseling. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Counseling or therapy can give you the tools you need to deal with your stepkids and your husband’s ex-wife. And, counseling can make you emotionally stronger, which will increase your self-confidence.
Sometimes you just need to let go of your hopes and expectations for relationships, and just work on being happy in your own life and personality. You can’t control how they respond to you, or how they treat you. But you can control how you life your life, and how happy you are!
I wish you all the best,
Laurie
Both my husband & I were previously married and have children from both those prior relationships. However many similarities end there.
What do you do and what can you do as a step mother when your personal items such as original old family photos (back to late 1800′s)and even (cherished) folders of my own daughter’s school and growing up memories disappear? These are not valuable to others but this is still vicious and I am sure they feel smug as it often is I suspect quite awhile for me to discover what the next thing missing is.
My husband does not want to deal with it as he knows the kids will deny it, although he suspects which child has done the latest discovery of loss – as it causes strife with his very hostile ex, and they play a blame/guilt trip on him.
I am always at a loss as to where they even think of these actions – I only have a few photos left of my 16 year who is s angry at me that I “can’t protect her” even in the metaphysical sense
It is so soul destroying when my crime is to love their dad and desire that we can be a role model to them of what a functional relationship is.
I have tried and tried and tired to be the best step mother anyone could want but my efforts and money are just taken by children who act with not any sign of a conscious what so ever. I would welcome some more signs of open conflict as that may signal some adjustment processes going on and give us something more ‘tangible’ to work with as a couple and with his kids. But on the surface they seem benign and shut off.
They play the victim with their Dad but they are certainly using it to their bullying advantage and I feel that their mother, and thus they, feel morally justified in whatever happens – I have asked my husband that before they come here again that we all go into a third party – court appointed therapy – so that when they are here the relationship he also has with them would start to be along more healthy pathways.
Is this unreasonable to ask?
That’s great advice: let your husband deal with his ex-wife. If you can avoid being involved with her, you avoid all the associated problems!
But sometimes that’s easier said than done.
How did I deal with my husband’s toxic ex-wife? I didn’t. I let him do it. That said, I made sure to watch my p’s and q’s when the kids were with us on the weekend. I made sure they were taken care of so that the ex didn’t have anything negative to say. I didn’t bad mouth their mom, and I corrected them if they tried to call me mom (they did this at first because they thought they could get away with certain things by buttering me up-didn’t work). If their mother tried to say negative things or do something petty, I ignored it. The behavior never lasted very long after I did this. I get along great with the kids, and I concentrated on my relationship with them=not their mother.
Dear Tiffany,
I’m so sorry to hear that your husband’s ex-wife is so difficult. Marriage and stepchildren are difficult enough, without ex-wives adding to the drama and pressure!
My best suggestion is to find a way to center yourself and stay connected to yourself regardless of what she does. You need to find ways NOT to let her actions affect you — don’t give her that power! Her negativity doesn’t have to affect the rest of your family, or your marriage.
But, in order for you to keep her separate from the rest of your life, you need to develop healthy habits. If you’re religious, for example, you could let your spiritual beliefs and prayer override her actions. Or if you’re into exercise and fitness, you could use yoga or meditation to stay calm and draw a healthy line between you and your husband’s ex-wife.
There are many ways to keep your self-identity and not let toxic people affect your life more than absolutely necessary….the hard part is finding what works for you, and sticking with it! Staying connected with yourself is one of the best ways to deal with stress and negativity. It may sound glib, but it works.
I hope this helps a little, and wish you all the best.
Laurie
It never stoppes amazing me how far Elaine will go to make herself the victim. “I’ve done the best I could to get along with my children’s stepmother, and it’s resulted in nothing but her attacking me, and badmouthing me to my own children” She has never tried to get along with me. Every time we talk its always about her and how she want me and the kids to belive her stories that do not add up and somehow always end up with her the victim thru no fault of her own. I’ve sent email to help her fix her realtionship with her children. I’ve tried to set up times for her to see her children. I’ve tried to talk to her on several times only to be met with my husband and I are abusive. Now this late meeting that we ARGUED she now states I attacked her because she had the children three hours for a whole month three hours and could not take care of them. One child hurt his knee and she made him walk around the mall the kids where hungry and of course thats not her problem. So yes I got angree but I get over it, get it out but she holds on to grudges and punishes the children for having a mind of there own. Even going as far as threating the children if they dont’ tow the line she will leave them with us and never comming to see them. She likes to say we are withholding visitation but she never calls and asks for the children at all. She has also told the children she is not going to see them till they are 18 then wants to say she is all motherly? I’m sorry if this makes me Toxic so be it. However this toxic person has said many times if she wants to talk you knows my number.
Mellissa
I think I am at my breaking point I do not believe I can handle the “drama” my husbands’ EX brings. We have been together since 2005, He has 2 children and always had full custody. She was never in the childrens life really till I came around, I have raised the kids now 12 & 17 and we had a son together who is 3. She comes in and out of our lives as she pleases sometimes we dont hear from her for months. This is hard for all of us. This women is crazy, and I mean seriously she needs medical help, and I’m not being mean. She is a compulsive lyer, she is manpulative, and very hurtful to all she comes in contact with. Her 17 year old son will not even speak w/ her any more, Nor does her parents who are still in “our” lives. Our 12 year old is still easily swayed w/ bribes to come and visit, They see each other approx. 4 -5 times a year. This also causes stress. She owes us over $20,000 dollars in child support and uses the Courts as a tool to torture us w/ friolous law suits, switching attorneys and asking for a number of continuances. The latestes one is the worse, she wants custody of our 12yr. old and wants to “redo” the orginal divorce from 2000?!! This has put major finacial burdens on us and emotional stress. I just dont know how to handle it anymore, I’ve always taken the high rode and all of the cases in the past have either been dropped or won by us But this one is scary and serious, there even is a Guarian appointed to the kids which cost alot.
I need help, I feel like I’m looseing myself and all control I’m afraid it’s effecting my 3 year old, Any advice what I should do.
Tiffany
Laurie,
Thanks for being a sounding board to many who write in. I agree with you in terms of listening to your “gut” and the old adage “actions speak louder than words”. God gave our “gut” and wisdom to us so we could confidently navigate through tough situations in life. I call it the gift of discernment and many men know women have it. We as women should know that we have it as a gift to help ourselves and others from possible missteps or even dangers.
Recently I was involved in a situation to where my bf was cheating on me. I felt it in my gut so profoundly it was incredible. I didn’t want to have to face this moment but I couldn’t rest, I was full of anxiety and felt so insecure. I was not going to let this continue on my watch because I know what I am worth. I was a very, very close confidant and friend to him for more than a year before we started dating. On month 3 of meeting and knowing him, he told me he believed I was his wife and he would wait for me for as long as it would take. Now I have an identical twin sister who he met two weeks before my meeting him. I challenged him with that fact and emphatically reminded him that I do have a twin (we don’t look that much alike now). i asked him that if he was sure if it was me or her he was speaking of, I needed to know. I didn’t want confusion involved with my sister at all. He said I was the one for him and it would not be her ever. We continued on as friends and really had an understanding that we needed to build a great friendship before we started dating (I needed to know more about him as we had been talking on the phone primarily because I was in another state looking to relocate).
No objections from either and we continued on as friends. We would hang out in a group consisting of a couple of friends and my twin. My sister and he would fight and bump heads so much that I told them this was getting ridiculous and needed to stop. She would joke with us because she knew there was an attraction between us, kind of reminded me of junior high stuff. Then around month 5, she knew a lot of things he and I would talk about because he told her, she would call me and gripe about what he said to her and vice versa then would get mad if I didn’t click over to chat with her while talking with him on the phone. Then I would confide in him about her and on and on. Then I woke up one day and said this is too much. It was stupid. I felt as though there was an emotional triangle forming-nothing at all promiscuous, sexual, etc from anyone but definitely emotionally binding which can be the strongest tie of all. Again, I had recently moved when this stuff began and I told him I needed to get my life in order and that I would be taking a time away for myself to do this…away from the drama triangle which meant both of them and to think on what my next steps were to be. So I left to go to my hometown to be with family I hadn’t seen in a long, long time. I told my twin this as well but I made sure HE knew it was only temporary for me and not to break anything off with him. I reassured him I would be back. I guess he didn’t understand.
When I returned, we had a talk and it was intense as we were both hurt. I apologized because I could see he was hurt. He said he cried for days and was devastated. Well, we worked through that and were back on course until about 2 months down the road, he started “clinging” to my sister. We’d go out as a group and then he would be standing next to her in public places fidgeting with his phone, etc not even talking with her but just being next to her. Almost if she offered him some security. I asked him what was up and he said nothing. Also, there was another woman who started flirting around with him in my face and he allowed it. By this point, my love for him had grown from just respect and appreciation to now wanting to further our friendship into a romantic pursuit just as we had discussed. I talked to him about this and he agreed. Long story short-we ended up dating for a few weeks. The first month was great so I thought, and then the next 3 weeks it all hit me. This woman started popping up again and I also caught him out at night with my twin sister, “just talking.” What did my gut say about that? I sought for answers to my gut questions and I went straight to the source. After all, we were very close even before we dated and had a foundation of transparency…I began to ask him the right questions and he overreacted and saying that my twin and him were just friends and that is all it was ever going to be-that he’d fallen for me and wanted me for his wife, etc. Then about the other woman who was more than friendly, he said we “wasn’t even attracted to her.”
Well, two weeks after the confrontational questioning, he began to withdraw-not calling me as much, not wanting to do things, not responding to my texts but he would my twin’s. He was found out around the holidays at which point he decided to concoct a lie about me saying that i had vexed him into our relationship and that he never wanted to be with me but always with my twin. All types of craziness and lies manifested. He really set it up to where I looked like the devil and my twin was the angel whom he wanted to be with but there is more…while he said all of this, he was seeing this other woman as well. Remember when I took a little time for myself a few months ago? During that time, he approached my twin and told her I was the mistake and that she was his wife when clearly he had told me it would never be her. Sadly, neither one of them told me this happened so for months I was kept in dark by my flesh and blood and this guy who led me to believe we were back on track relationally. This guy successfully played twin sisters and another woman. There could have been more. Now, right after he was caught, he has turned a new leaf (which is great and hope it is genuine to the core) and he is still with my twin. For the record, he has done his best to ask me to forgive him via email but he still wants to be with my twin after breaking up with this other woman who he called a girlfriend publicly. Ha, I didn’t even get that-no tears here, at least not anymore. It was tough the betrayal of a friend/love and a family member. Hard to deal with because I had invested so much of myself and really did grow to love him. Many have said you were lucky, you found out before ever walking down the aisle with him. Somehow him being with my sister, who is a loving, intelligent person, undermines that statement at times to me….still so bizarre and confusing choices we can make as people, huh? So unexpected. But the gut was right!
I found out a lot about my “gut” or gift of discernment in this aspect of relationships. I have never been in one where I had to use it so much in a relationship, but when I paid attention to it, though filled with anxiety and grief anticipating the dreaded inevitable, I was right. At that moment, when your gut is “going off” and you have at least some suspicions about your significant other, listen to them. If they are wrong, then there is nothing for anyone to hide-work through it and go on. I am very amazed at how strong the discernment can be and how accurate it can be…it is like a metal detector. Remember, time always is a factor which reveals those secret things, lies. You’ve heard, “what is done in secret will be exposed.” Ladies, pay attention to the gift God gave you and if your man is cheating and can’t man up to tell you the truth, then reevaluate why you are with him. If he is truly repentant and wants to change and you want to work through it, then that is your decision. May god help you through it and it be blessed. If the man has a problem lying, no, you can’t fix him, only he can and he has to finally come to terms with himself and make decisions based on what he deems priceless….you. If he ever does…which some wake up. (Women do this too, I know guys) Otherwise, my question is, why would you want to stay with someone who once made you feel so good now consistently places you (by your choice) in a position of insecurity and walking on egg shells. Listen to your gut!! Actions do speak louder than words and if you are worth it, you will listen and God will give you the wisdom to walk through it but you got to ask Him and seek help from those who know you, love you and that you trust will give you objective truths-even about yourself.
A couple of thoughts:
Pair an emotional connection with strong desires of one person toward another who is in a relationship, it could very well be on its way to an affair-at any level. It is playing with fire no matter how you look at it. A little laugh here and there, a flirtatious gesture added ever so often, a coffee date or a shoulder to cry on, can be meeting needs inside a person that they shouldn’t by right be fulfilling if committed to another.
Men: I know you all don’t cheat and not all women are saints either but, what does faithfulness mean to anyone today? Men, would you flirt with another company behind your boss’ back? You’d be fired instantly. So you dare not do it, right? Is your job more important than your self respect and character? Then why would you do it behind the back of the ones you say you love? I’d have to say you have no true value placed on love except that of yourself and it shows when you place your desires to gratify yourself over your loved ones-especially when it could ruin what you have built. Don’t do it, men! It is not worth it. Go to someone who can help you…NOT to one of your boys who is also doing the same behavior. There is a higher standard you are called to and you know it so run to it and embrace it rather than cowering away from worthy responsibility of commitment and priceless entity desired by all, your love with another.
I hold fast to core values such as hoensty, integrity, etc especially with someone you love and care for and they for you. Even when it is hard to be honest for fear of rejection, change, etc. I do know life isn’t perfect and that some couples work out and others don’t but I don’t believe people are disposable just because you aren’t happy within yourself or you are bored. Talk to your significant other and at least you can be honest. From there take a plan of action if agreeable. Actions do speak louder than words, people. Ladies, listen to your gut and don’t be afraid to value and fight for what you believe in. Asking questions is not a crime and don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than or crazy for following what your gift of discernment may be revealing to you before things get worse. It is a gift for a reason. Celebrate it and if your wrong, own it and move on. If you are right, wow, pray and seek what you need to do next depending on how involved you with a guy who has a lying/cheating problem.
Sorry so long, thanks, Laurie. Keep up the good work.
Hi Rebecca,
I’m so sorry to hear that your husband’s toxic ex-wife told you about her affair with your husband! That’s terrible. I’m sorry that your marriage didn’t work out. Why would he do such a thing?
I don’t know if she can be held responsible…but I do believe what goes around, comes around. The karma she’s put into the world will come back to haunt her.
And what about your cheating husband? Shouldn’t he be held responsible, too?
I tried all of the things that were suggested. The last straw came when my husbands ex emailed me that she had slept with my husband, gave specific days and had emails to back it up. She was vicious and bitter and even though I never saw the emails, it caused such a rift in our marriage that we are now separated and heading toward a divorce. Did I lose? Yes. I lost my beautiful step-daughters and my life as I knew it. You can only try and accept so much abuse and you finally break. I broke. I question if she can somehow be held responsible? I just don’t think that someone can be so horrible and not be held accountable at some point.
Jane, thanks for your inspiring words — it sounds like you’ve been through alot with your husband’s toxic ex-wife, but it’s made you stronger and smarter! That’s great.
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post…Establish Good Financial Habits – 6 Ways to Make Money Saving Tips Stick =-.
Oooh, I think I have the most toxic ex-wife situation of all! My husband divorced his ex almost 5 years ago and we have been married for 2. When we started dating he had been divorced for almost 2 years. She was vicious! Myspace was more popular at the time and she used it to insult me, called me 40+ times a day and hung up, sent me nasty text messages, drove by his house and even contacted my friends (whom she didn’t know) in order to spread negative infomation about my husband in an attempt to break us up. Also, she would send my huband seductive pictures and messages, filed a false police report of violence on him, had his visitation suspended with his son (after which she dropped all charges) and on and on.
I am strong willed but non-confrontational and never responded to her (which was good considering that responses only give her more energy/ammunition), but my silence left me feeling like a doormat. It was particularly difficult with my stepson would comment to me about how his mom wanted to “beat me up” or called me other names. Once, when my husband attended one of his son’s games with my two children (I wasn’t there) and she publically insulted my family, embarassing my children to tears with her name calling of them and my husband.
Finally after several years of this I have come to realize that I won. In fact, I had always won! I have her husband, I love her child and she is alone and angry. Yes, it’s tough even now for me at times (when she sends old wedding pictures to my hubby for instance), but it is sad and so terribly desperate. I ALMOST feel sorry for her.
On another note, my ex and I maintain a decent relationship and I actually adore his girlfriend. She is mature and friendly and gives me piece of mind knowing she is caring for my kids. Frankly, I strive to be more like her!
There will always be negative people in our lives. An incident this morning brought me to find this article. Now it is time for me to take a deep breath, and take my own advice!
What happens when it’s the both the ex-husband and his new wife that are toxic? I’ve done the best I could to get along with my children’s stepmother, and it’s resulted in nothing but her attacking me, and badmouthing me to my own children. the sad part is, they believe her over me! I raised them, nursed them and was always there for them, and now I pay for it by being attacked by my ex, his new wife, and my own kids. Frankly, I hate her for this. Keep the husband, give back my children’s affection.
I have been with my partner for 4 yrs. He has 2 grown stepchildren (in their 30s) from his previous 25 yr marriage. The whole family dynamic is dysfunctional and toxic. I am not bowing down to a mental case. She cheated on him 2 yrs before I met him, lived with the guy, they broke up, now she wants him back. Both kids are living with her (and have quit 50$ hr jobs) to “take care” of her. I refuse to meet her as I see no positive results. The “kids” are welcome to visit anytime, but chose not to. I really dont care, but I can see how much it hurts my partner. Why are women so manipulative??????
I am an ex-wife. My husband is remarried and lives out of state. I do not get along with his ex wife at all. She makes comments to me like “who do you think is going to raise your kids when you are dead and buried in the ground.” She also has created a page on facebook directed at me. She is so negative that I have concerns about my children being around her. My ex told me he was leaving me when I was seven months pregnant with our second child. He then made my life miserable for the rest of my pregnancy and when I came home from the hospital with the baby. For some insane reason, his new wife thinks I’m not over my ex. I have been over my ex since I came home from the hospital with my new baby!!! I have never said anything negative about my ex or his new wife around my children. However, I am concerned that she will make negative statements to my children. This new wife posts something about me almost on a daily basis – she even friended a woman that I haven’t spoken to in over 15 years just to get on my nerves!!! My point is that not all ex-wives are toxic some new wives are the toxic part of the mix!
Thanks for your thoughts, AJ and Christy!
I don’t think the step-mom or new wife should be the one to make all the concessions all the time…nor do I think she should change her lifestyle or her personality. But, if her husband has a toxic ex-wfie, then she needs to find ways to make life easier for her and her husband.
After all, if she doesn’t, who will? Her husband, yes…but the toxic ex-wife sure won’t! The ex-wife doesn’t usually care if her ex-husband’s new marriage is going well.
So, I guess I wrote this article to try to empower the women who can make a difference…and that’s women like you, AJ and Christy! I don’t think it’s fair that you should make changes in your life, but that may be the best way to smooth the whole thing.
Which is why I encourage new wives to make friends with the ex-wife, if possible! Because being on friendly terms might sweeten up the ex-wife, and make her less toxic.
What do you think?
Laurie
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post…Save Money on Getting Married – Budget Tips for Brides and Grooms =-.
I agree with AJ. My husband and I have been married for 10 months now. He has 2 children with his ex, but has a 22 year old son from a marriage before her. She always resented this stepson…until I began to bond with him. Now she is playing supermom to him, and is trying to bond with my new parent-in-laws. She is even calling my sister-in-law (my best friend for 10 years) to spend time with her daughters (she never was this person while she was actually in the family). She reads my Facebook and Myspace status and calls husband, or kids to see if I am telling the truth or to find out what I am talking about. Husband feels I should change….he thinks I should give up my facebook and myspace to keep her from being offended at my posts about how happy we are together. Why should I change my lifestyle or myself to protect her insecurities?
I just don’t understand why the step-mom has to bite her tongue and be the nice person ALL the time. If I don’t like the ex as a person or a suitable mother, due to her going above and beyond a disrespectful level to me, why should I be the “quiet” one? Even though she has gone to many lengths to make me miserable, if she asks me to do something, I do it. I only do these favors so I know that the daughter is in good hands and is being taken care of with us. However, I feel like enough is enough now and that I need to stick up for myself. It just doesn’t seem possible for that to happen without WWIII breaking loose!