Feb 252010
 

When you marry a man with an ex-wife, you marry his family – often unfortunately. These tips for dealing with your husband’s toxic ex-wife will help you transition into your new marriage without letting her drive you crazy.

The Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace by Sally Bjornsen will help you cope with your husband’s toxic ex-wife – and other toxic family relationships – by showing you how to survive the holidays, custody, finances, and other complications of marrying a man who was married before..

Part of loving your spouse is learning to cope with his first wife. That’s what these tips are all about: dealing with your husband’s toxic ex-wife before she destroys your marriage. Can you have lunch with the ex-wife? It may sound crazy…but if you’re already at the end of your rope, you may have nothing to lose.

6 Tips for Dealing With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife

“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb,” says relationship expert and author Barbara De Angelis. “It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” Remember that how you deal with your husband’s toxic ex-wife will affect your marriage.





husbands ex wife is toxic

“How to Deal With Your Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife”

Get the ex-wife on your side – invite her for coffee. One of the best ways to build a healthy remarriage is to get your husband’s ex-wife on your side. I know this sounds outrageous, but think about calling her up, telling her you want the best for her kids, and asking if she can make time to meet you for an hour or so. Tell her you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Compliment her on how she’s raising them – she must have done something right over the years.

Let your husband’s ex-wife get to know you. You want to help her get to know who you are as a person. She’ll be less likely to criticize you if she knows you. It’s incredibly easy to criticize people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex-husband and her kids probably like you. Of course she’s an angry ex-wife – you’re succeeding in areas she “failed”). But, it’s more difficult to criticize people we know and love.

You might not be able to fumigate her, but you might charm her by being nice to her…

Tell your husband’s ex-wife what she did and does right. Is she a good mother? Does she have a super clean or well-decorated house? Focus on what she does well, and tell her how much you admire that trait. You’re not being a sycophant or brown noser; you’re focusing on the positive qualities of your husband’s ex-wife. That might soften her, make her less angry or negative. To build a better marriage, you might need to take the first step towards peace and friendship.

Relationship Help

Do you regret the break up? Get Your Ex Back

Want to stop the separation or divorce? Save Your Marriage

Wondering how to make a man fall in love with you? Captivate Him So He'll Never Want to Leave

Read about dealing with difficult or toxic women. The more you learn about coping with angry, unreasonable people – and setting your boundaries – the better off you’ll be. Do whatever it takes to make your remarriage successful: attend workshops, read books with your husband, go to family counseling. Learn how to dial down your own angry, frustrated responses and how to get the most out of your new marriage. I know it’s difficult, frustrating, and even aggravating – but when your husband’s ex-wife causes marriage problems, you may have to bear the burden.

You may also have to learn about dealing with difficult husbands, because sometimes they cause unnecessary problems with their ex-wives.

Leave your stepchildren out of your marriage problems. No matter how angry his ex-wife is, or how frustrated or hurt you are, don’t involve your husband’s kids in the problems. The kids are (probably) innocent bystanders – and you’d be better off focusing on connecting with your step children instead of involving them in adult marriage and remarriage problems. To solve marriage problems before they begin, read Second Marriages That Work – 10 Tips for “Happily Ever After.”

How to Deal With Your Husband's Toxic Ex-Wife

“How to Deal With Your Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife” image by Laurie

Forgive your husband for his past marriage (and choice of ex-wife!). 

If you think your husband made a bad marriage choice in the past, shake off your resentment or anger. He was a different person when he met and married his first wife – and so was she. He made the best decision he could, he fell in love, and he thought he was doing the right thing.

Don’t make him pay now for a decision he made years ago…that’ll just tear at the fabric of your marriage. Instead, accept him for who he is as a whole man – and that includes his first marriage and his angry ex-wife.

If you think your husband is part of the problem, read Secrets Husbands Keep From Their Wives.

Fix Your Marriage

Do you think you can’t deal with your husband’s ex-wife? Read the comments below – you’ll see you’re not alone.

 

Summary
Article Name
How to Deal With Your Husband's Toxic Ex-Wife
Author
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These tips for dealing with your husband's toxic ex-wife will help you transition into marriage.
laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Christian, bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer, blogger, warrior princess. :-) My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

What's happening in your life? I welcome your big and little comments below! I can't give you advice, but writing might bring you clarity and insight.

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

In peace and passion...Laurie

  157 Responses to “How to Deal With Your Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife”

  1. Taking deep breathing lessons and doing yoga are my ways to cope with my husband’s toxic ex wife. She is controlling manipulative and overbearing, but I know she is deeply hurt. She isn’t happy. My husband and I are very happy together, I refuse to let her toxicity ruin my marriage.

    Take care of yourself. Self care. That’s how you deal with your husband’s ex.

    • I have dealt with my husband’s X wife who is deranged and a psycho whack job after three years into our relationship. 1st off I was never told he had a wife. This is 3 years after dating him. It’s a long story. I broke up with him after first slapping him as hard as I possibly could. I dated and fell in love and moved on. Then he kept calling me all the time. Eventually we ended up together. I made him wait to marry me. Let me just say, if u had to go down this road again. I wouldn’t do it!!

      I am still having to deal with this toxic and deranged psychological b****. It’s been a nightmare worse than any movie I have ever seen.

      He still let his X wife trample all over him. He is Spineless!! She ought to be in jail already just for the crap she has put her children through.

  2. Dear Lisa,

    It sounds like your ex had a very complicated, unhealthy relationship with his ex-wife. She is a toxic woman who doesn’t want anyone to be happy or healthy. She and your ex are intertwined in ways that aren’t easy to understand, and for some reason she has power over him. People are difficult to understand, sometimes even to themselves. I do think his ex-wife was poisoning him and the kids against you, and it may be easier for them to unite with her instead of stand up for you. It’s sad.

    My prayer for you is that you find peace and forgiveness in your life. You can’t change your ex, his ex-wife, or the way their kids treated you. But, you can heal! You can grieve your loss, process the negative emotions, and move forward in your life. I pray you find the right people to guide and support you, and that you live with hope, peace, and joy in your life. May you shake off the toxic relationships of the past and let go of your ex. May you connect with God and become emotionally and spiritually strong. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • thanks Laurie, that was really good advice. I have been struggling with depression since we broke up. One minute he say’s im the best thing that has happened to him, then he wont even pick the phone up everytime I called him. He just texts. I cannot believe how he allowed his family to contact and abuse me.
      I am still blaming myself for fighting with him maybe this wouldnt have happend i.e. broken up with me if I hadnt of argued it may have made him realise Im the safe haven and much better than her.
      I just need to move on I really loved this guy.

  3. I have also just come out of one of these relationships. The wife cheated 3 times over 20 years and each time he took her back. They have two teenage sons. When she found out about me, she said after 3 months it was too soon for me to meet his kids. She appeared one day on the beach we were at, glared at me then pulled him away and hit him. Next day she withdrew all his money from his bank. He did nothing.
    She used to ring a lot whilst we were together. At first he protected me. Then the son started playing up. She was leaving kids on their own for days. She would ring the kids whilst i was there and ask where I was and what i was doing. The son hit my x and she didnt let him speak to his dad for 2 weeks. We started fighting a lot.
    I wanted him to get a divorce and he kept saying havent even thought about it. We were constantly afraid she would show up at his house and abuse me. She then got my phone number somehow and started repeating their conversations (about me). This was the last straw, I was turning into a nutcase. I lost the plot one weekend after she text me, he did nothing. We had huge argument and I never heard from him again. She then sends another text saying he doesnt want to be with me. His kids also sent me facebook horrible messages. I feel so hurt and I wonder why he just disappeared on me was it because she was turning the family away from him?

  4. Dear Lauren,

    I think it might help to take power away from your husband’s ex-wife. Right now, she has the ability to make you late for work – and she can definitely has the power to affect your mood, blood pressure, heart rate, and brain! She is controlling your mental, emotional, and spiritual health. You are letting her control you.

    How can you take her power away?

    My prayer for you is that you find ways to stop your husband’s toxic ex-wife from controlling your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I pray that you are able to come up with simple, effective ways to stop her actions from affecting your life, work, and marriage. May you find solutions that put give your husband responsibility, and may you free yourself from the entanglements that are so damaging to your health and relationships.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • Omg. These exes are something else. My husbands ex begged for him to stay then when she realized he was not in love with her anymore she claimed abuse. The funniest thing is that she couldn’t get the years right, once she said 11 yr the 6 the 18. Haha not to mention we found emails where all threw thir marriage she had an internet boyfriend who worked at Telus. He eventually moved here to live with her, I feel bad for the guy, he is her maid. She is all of a sudden day fitness instructor, haha her list of friends consist of only potential we’ll off woe men whom I’ve heard she laughs about with her sister, calling these women pathetic and desperate, she could take their husbands from them is a second. Crazy I call that. She has road blocked every holiday and the children are terrified of her and her Telus partner, whom by the way forgot to tell his wife about her… but on an up side, watching my husband and children together is so heart warming. Love the kids but don’t be the door mat. The children will be brainwashed into thinking your the reason their dad is not their, when they are older they will figure it out on their own..ex. May step daughter told me the other day that she knew the truth and remember her mother on the computer talking to a man showing him body parts. She was 7 at the time, and dad was outside so she realized it wasn’t him…ladies eventually their lies will catch up to them and their friends or as she calls them clients , will catch on and grow tired of fake compliments followed by, can I have or will u please do… Crazy… If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck the it is not a f..k… Chicken is it..

  5. I read this article because I am currently going through an awful situation with my boyfriend and his very TOXIC is wife. The most recent escapade being that she is trying to get me fired from my job so that he will leave me to get back with her. The kids stay with us the majority of the time and HATE going to her house because she is lazy and sleeps the whole time they are with her. So every morning she is supposed to be at our home at 7:30 to pick them up. This morning, she showed up at 8:00AM!!! Making me over 15 minutes late for work. This might not seem like its that bad, but considering this is the 15th time shes done it, I’ve had enough!! I am at my wits end with her and I don’t know what to do next. I am terrified of confronting her, because she has left and taken the kids with her out of state before and we are only 2 months away from a court date to try and get custody. I don’t know how much more I can take, just need help!

  6. I think you nailed it, Kim, when you said you really just want his time and attention. No matter how toxic or demanding the ex-wife is, if our husbands are attentive and caring, it’s easier to handle. And we need to see that he prioritizes us over the ex, by cutting off conversations with them and putting them second or third or fourth.

    Maybe the reason your husband isn’t annoyed as much is because he’s happy with you. When you first got married and his ex-wife was just settling in, he was easily annoyed. Now that he’s secure in your marriage, maybe the trivial things aren’t as bothersome. He can flow with the ex-wife because he’s really happy with you, perhaps?

  7. Thank you for your comments, Lisa! It sounds like you might have experience in some way with this, and your heart is with the family has a whole. You have an objective way of looking at things, and I believe your comments will help readers cope with toxic ex-wives.

    The challenging thing is that sometimes it’s easier to be the big person and model how you’d like this relationship to function. I totally agree that it’s a better way to deal with a toxic ex-wife who is causing marriage problems, but I’m learning that our emotions and gut reactions get in the way of taking the high road. I know I’m always battling what I know I should say and do with what I really want to say and do.

    Past relationships almost always bring problems, even when everything is smooth and easy.

  8. If you don’t feel comfortable with your husband’s ex-wife walking around your property without invitation, then I believe you have the right to ask her to call first. After all, that’s what friends and family do, don’t they?

    How does your husband feel about his ex’s behavior?

    • At first when the ex would come around, my husband would seem annoyed. But now he doesn’t mind it and I am the one with the problem with it. We are not able to spend much quality time right now, as my ex doesn’t take my kids anymore. So our quality time has been cut off. Therefore, I feel more insecure when she stops over all the time, like everyday to drop off something that her boys “supposedly” left at her house. She is intrusive. Sometimes, she has just walked into the house. One time, she was startled by me being there, and said, “oh, I didn’t know you were here today, Michael said you were going to be at work.” I didn’t say anything out loud, but I thought to myself, so if I am not here, she just comes into the house as she pleases. My husband got upset with me the other night because it was 10:20pm and they were getting back late from a baseball game. She happened to be behind them in the driveway. I was on my way up to bed as I noticed he was outside talking to her. I had just texted him prior to him getting home, see you soon, we’ll talk when you get home. Now mind you, we usually go to bed around 10:30, and here he is outside talking with her. I was upset and opened the door and immaturely waved my arm and said good night! He came in a few minutes later and we started arguing about this. He said I am going to have to deal with him talking to her. I understand talking about the kids, but I cannot handle his asking her for advice on who to vote for, buying her coffee when he stops at coffee shop in between games, asking her to take pictures of his basketball team (after he had asked me to do, I am a photographer, that’s my job), etc. So he basically is not willing to back down and feels I am wrong for feeling the way I do. I just want his time and attention.

      • Jeni

        Leave him now! It never gets better. My husbands ex still causes trouble they split 24 yrs. ago. The kid is 25yrs old. I have no children if I did I think he might understand it better. I pray they get back together and I never have to hear their names the rest of my life I hate every one of them they are toxic.

        • Wow…..sounds like I wrote that. My husband divorced his wack job wife in 1998, kids are 29 and 30 and she still uses the “children” as her excuse to contact husband. The things she does are horrid. I’m so sick and tired of this woman and even more tired of my husbands lack of a spine or his attraction to the ex or whatever it is that makes this nightmare go on and on, I agree….run away, and fast. It’s the only solution for these deranged humans.

      • Sorry if this reply is late… My goodness, I feel for you. For starters it seems as though your husband is not only disregarding the commitment he has with you, but also is playing into “her” somewhat insecurity driven childish, High School girl games. Most women who are divorced from their husbands and behave in ways what you would call “normal”, usually don’t follow their ex husbands around at late hours,. Or not having enough change to buy themselves a cup of coffee and persuading their ex husband to buy them a cup. It sounds like she has some kind of agenda other than dealing with adult children (that can be handled with a phone call at a more proper time) They usually are more considerate of others as well, meaning you. I am also an “ex-wife” and I’d rather have all my teeth ripped out than have my ex husband know any of my personal business other than what has to do with my son. And since I got the impression the children you mentioned are adult aged which also proves that she herself is well into her own adult-hood and no longer some kind of a high school girl, although her actions may prove otherwise. I get the feeling that she actually feels threatened by YOU, even though your own feelings portray the opposite. She is looking to stir up trouble between you and her ex husband, that would make her look like some kind of shining star. This type of immature behavior is another tactic they use to comfort their own sick mind. They also love to portray the lie that the jealousy actually stems from those like you instead of the fact that it actually is pouring out from themselves which causes them to play sick baby games like this. What I suggest you to do is to strongly encourage your husband to go to marriage counseling with you because in most cases, the husband is being manipulated in so many ways by their ex to the point of brain washing. Your best bet is to get a non-biased, third party therapist involved. That may be the only way your husband may be convinced otherwise, in turn saving your marriage.

  9. I was wondering if it is “right” or “wrong” to not allow my husband’s ex-wife “into our home” or when we are swimming out back to just walk out there and start talking to us. I just feel that her stepping into our home or coming out back when we are swimming is not appropriate. She is not a part of “our” home or family. She has her own home and boyfriend. She left my husband and her two sons to go be with her boyfriend. She abandoned the “rights” to this home. I just feel it is inappropriate and not “right”. Any comments?

  10. Pat, thank you for your very important comments about two sides to every coin. I agree that if a potential partner blames everything on the ex wife or ex husband, then there is something wrong with the partner.

    It’s important to be impartial, and to remember that there is the ex wife’s side, the ex husband’s side, and somewhere in between is the truth.

  11. Laurie,

    Our plan with the ex-wife is to serve her papers to show up to court for modification of child support. We are requesting it to be reduce by 500.00 a month. We also pay health insurance. total of 20000.00 per year 40% of his net income total that we pay each year. That will be a reduction of 7000.00 She cant afford and attorney. Our attorney has 30ys experience.
    I think she is going go crazy in front of the judge. Then the judge will know how she really is.

    I told my husband after court. He isn’t going to answer phone, texts or email back to her. I will respond if needed. We are going to keep copies and go to the police. In our state it a misdemeanor to harass someone. She can be fined and put in jail. We also have an injunction on her , which is like a restraining order. She isn’t allowed talk to my husband unless its for visitation. any other request are to go through his attorney, which she has dont. She can be in contempt for that too. Once she starts harassing use about the reduce child support, I’m going to call the police to my house and have him go to her house and warn her or arrest her , since we have an injunction. Then when ever my husband has to pick kid up for visitation, im going with him and go to he door with him or go by my self, because I don’t want her to harass him and yell at him. We hope she wont refuse visitation. I don’t think so, since she like us to have them a lot. She likes her alone time on the couch.

    • I think it sounds awful that you would want the mother of his children to go to jail. You just said she can’t afford an attorney and won’t be able to afford this decrease of $7000… Don’t you think that would be upsetting to anyone? At some point a judge obviously thought that settlement was fair…but glad you are looking for avenues to decrease support to his children. Your husband needs to man up and handle things on his own without you butting in. He married her and had children. I’m not sure what the full picture is here but nonetheless he had a larger responsibility to the women and children he chose as his family legally. Why do you think you should be so on this woman’s face? Maybe he screwed her over and abandoned his marriage and she has a right to be pissed? You haven’t said anything that she’s done except that she’s “harassing” you guys. What kind of people sit around making grand plans to jack with someone’s life, then predict her reaction and plan to put her in jail when she reacts to you two plotting against her? Why don’t you try talking to her through mediation like adults, at least discuss this HUGE change with her so she is not slammed with new information when served. You are setting this all up to piss her off. Sounds like you enjoy the drama and want to stick it to her. I don’t care if she’s done xyz to you… Be the bigger people and model how you’d like this relationship to function rather than poking at a bear!!

      • Well, Lisa, “Michelle” did explain the situation, the 2nd post below your reply. You replied without reading her prior post. Don’t get me wrong, I too believe there are two sides to the story.. but for a mother to put her own children into positions that they are used as pawns instilled by a mother’s(?) sick, twisted form of insecure jealousy against their ex husband and new wife, then acting out in revenge without the slightest concern for her children, that IS wrong, and yes, she should be punished to the full extent of the law. Fortunately the courts are now finally taking “Parent Alienation” into consideration and concludes that type of behavior IS child abuse and in my eyes, one of the worst kinds! And what I have noticed over the years along with the many posts by 2nd wives including my own situation, that in many instances, the divorce is usually caused by the FIRST WIFE committing adultery, etc. These type of women seem to have extreme personality disorders and are very manipulative, so the ONLY way to deal with them is to play hardball.

        • Adding on.. Though I do believe that fathers should be the majority in paying financial support of their children, most of the time I’ve noticed these so called mothers do not spend the majority of child support payments on their children, but on themselves to keep them from going out and getting a job or used as another weapon against their prior spouse to continue controlling them. I also believe that when you have children that BOTH parents should financially contribute to them. Not just the father. If you get divorced whether you are a husband OR a wife, doesn’t matter which, and you have children, that obligation to support should be from both parties.

          • I have been dating a man for 9 months, he chased me prior to this for 8 months but i wasn’t interested. After being dumped by someone else i gave him a chance and he grew on me.After our first date his x wife (they have been seperated for 2 years) started messaging me on facebook wanting to know where he was and for him to phone her as he was meant to have his kids. Their relationship was awful, she left him 3 times having numerous affairs and each time he took her back for the kids, 2 boys 16 and 15. We started dating things were good, i met his kids pretty quickly. A few months into it she appeared from behind a bush when we were on the beach, glared at me and pulled him aside and started belting him this was to do with me and how she thought it was too soon for the kids to meet me.The kids saw it and told her they were ok with me. The step daughter was also there and said i dont know why she is carrying on she hasnt wanted him for 10 years, they were married for 20.The next day she withdrew $6k out of his account to get him back.Since then things were ok he said she would get better.Then met someone and backed off.His family dont speak to her they all hate her as she has caused so much trouble.He also comes from a unhealthy upbringing.Things got good with us. He is caring and lovely.My family love him.
            About May of this year his eldest son started playing up. Smoking drugs at her house, she was never home. My partner trying to help. Things just got bad with us from then on, i started fighting with him about all this stuff. Sometimes he wouldnt be honest about what was going on with the kids and her and then i find out later. I felt he was lying to me.She wanted a settlement he gave it to her. The kid just got worse, he stole my partners wallet and didnt let on for 3 months after my partner found it after ramsacking his room for drugs. He even came to police station when it first happened to report it.My partner didnt discplined him he told his dad he found the wallet with no money in it, my partner believed him.Every time i saw my partner he was depressed.She would call a bit as well whilst we were together, blaming me for the kids behaviour and saying he wasnt spending enough time with his kids. Then my partners father got cancer he is now dying. The kid then got expelled after many suspensions. We were up at my partners house a few weeks before the kid broke in and lied to his dad that he was there as i was in the house.The kid was also bad before he met me.Then my partner confronted his son about lying he slapped him and the kid pushed him through a glass door and punched him the mouth.He had to go to hospital.He didnt speak to his son for 2 weeks the wife never made the kid call his son to say sorry. My partner tried to text his son to tell him his grandad was dying no reply.I have also asked my partner to get a divorce he said he will but he hadnt thought of it even though he has paid her s out.We had huge argument about this. I told him to leave and he slept in car that night due to drinking.I always have to ring and apologise he wont speak to me for days.This particular fight he took the kid away, i tried to phone him that night he didnt answer he rang me the following morning. He said he was working in the shed and drinking. The wife’s text said dont worry she is getting a divorce and for me to stop hassling him and from what he has said i sound like a stalker. How would she know i was ringing that night? This made me worry all week. We went away last weekend and i felt weird towards him gave him silent treatment he was trying to be nice. Next day i just did my own thing and he just disappears doesnt want to sort it out. Thats all i need though, comfort.he told me she said she wanted a divorce he said good cos lisa wants me to get one, what why couldnt he say i want one too. Then my partners brother came over and his girlfriend they have similar issues and started arguing.i started crying i went to bed my partner came up didnt try and talk just shut door i said its over. he ignored me. i tried to talk to him later this turned into huge fight i pushed him he punched me. i said this is not my baggage. he said dont you call me f kids baggage i didnt. he said my kids are no 1 you were level with them but not now. you have been awful to me all day. then he says she has been texting all day being nasty and threatening to turn oldest off him. we go to bed he doesnt talk to me in morning say’s its all too hard. not working. she sends me another text saying he is a liar awful he likes to hit things and that she was with him in that house a few weeks ago wonder why he wouldnt answer your calls. i told him he said she will never let him be with anyone. after this he wont talk to me its been 5 days we had a holiday booked today he cancelled due to his dad on death bed. he said its not working you always fight with me i have never fought with anyone like this. he wont answer my calls. i dont know what to do now im so depressed i told him i missed him he asked y, he wont say he loves me, i dont understand as only 2 weeks ago he told me not to dump him and im the best thing that has ever happened to him.

          • I am sorry that I replied late… My goodness, my heart goes out to you… So many times when the ex wife has narcissistic traits, she contaminates every one around her. You mentioned that you are dating this man.. are you married to him now?

            Regardless, it sounds like he is letting her hold the reigns over everything and everyone, even you, and I hope that it is only because of fear and nothing more than that. I’m also concerned for you because it sounds like it’s becoming more physical and that is not an excuse for a man to react harshly just because they are embarrassed by that fear and tries to hide it behind anger. Mine was too, although not to the same extreme as yours. :( I am sorry to break that to you.

            Because I feel your situation is grave, I strongly suggest that you may want to reconsider your attachment to this man… that is if you are not married to him. If you are, then in order to save your marriage is to go to a marriage counselor immediately or if you belong to a church, seek counseling from your pastor. Find a professional that will have a non-biased opinion in your situation so your husband/partner won’t feel as threatened. You both will need to reach a compromise, along with setting severely strict boundaries drawn between yourselves and the ex wife.. or else the relationship or marriage will fail eventually. PLEASE get help soon. And if you are not married, maybe the wisest thing to do is to just let this one go. Your mental and physical health is worth more than this.

            I am sorry Laurie, although I do believe that you have a sweet spirit and only mean well for everyone, I don’t believe that just trying to get along with the ex wife will not help this particular situation. This one seems pretty grave and physical violence is coming out from it that something more has to be done, and soon.

          • Regardless, it sounds like he is letting her hold the reigns over everything and everyone, even you, and I hope that it is only because of fear and nothing more than that. I’m also concerned for you because it sounds like it’s becoming more physical and that is not an excuse for a man to react harshly just because they are embarrassed by that fear and tries to hide it behind anger. Mine was too, although not to the same extreme as yours. :( I am sorry to break that to you.

            Do you mean this man could still be in love with her? What was you situation?

          • I keep blaming myself for arguing all the time and losing control, do you think it was my fault for arguing? and thats why the relationship ended?

          • “Do you mean this man could still be in love with her? What was you situation?”

            Sometimes the men in this type of situation can succumb to their ex wives threats and continue to be manipulated even after the marriage ends because they are afraid of what their ex wife is capable of doing if they go against her. They tread lightly because of that fear. I base this on experiences not only on mine, but from some of the new wives that I know as personal friends and from other postings on boards like this one. This is why I come to believe that these situations are not uncommon. No man likes to admit to that fear so they get angry when questioned on why they are not holding their ground well enough. They just don’t want to admit to it, it’s embarrassing to show that weakness. But, by doing little or nothing but trying their best to cater to their ex wives because they are feeling intimidated accomplishes absolutely nothing and gives the ex wife full reign to carry on her destructive tactics knowing that she will get away with it. It also harms any new relationship that comes along.

            In my case my husbands ex wife was both threatening either directly towards us or indirectly through my husband’s adult children. Since he was married to her before for so long and knew how she was, he felt that by not stirring the pot so to speak would keep the situation from getting worse. Which in “normal” circumstances where the ex wife behaves somewhat rationally, may be a good thing to do.. but in these type of situations where the ex wife goes on a jealous induced warpath where her only intent is to destroy their ex husband and their new wife (or partner), that is a totally different scenario that must be dealt with a stern fashion and firmly set boundaries.

            The reason why my situation is different from yours is that although he didn’t like me arguing or nagging about it with him and a lot of times we would have arguments between us , it never lead to violence. And I also knew in my gut where his heart really was, there was no question of his feeling for me and he also stood up for me along with both of us knowing that when the time came (and it has) that she would be pretty much be removed from our lives. Fortunately for us, that time has come. According to their divorce decree, the 7 year obligation for alimony has been all paid up… Their children are adults so there is no child support. My husband has informed her by letter to pretty much leave us alone, (or else).

            He no longer has any reason to feel intimated by her any longer, so that fear is now gone and our marriage is now what it should’ve been from the start.

            Although in your situation, I didn’t feel that your partner has really stood up for you along with allowing his ex wife to treat you the way she did without much consequence for her actions. I also feel that a man punching a woman for whatever reason is not only just flat out wrong, but it’s also illegal. I can understand the fear a man may feel from the wrath of his ex, but even that type of fear doesn’t justify punching a woman.

            So, please never, ever blame yourself. You didn’t cause this situation, they did. Neither one has justification for their actions. If I were you, thank GOD that you no longer a part of it. And sweetie, there are plenty more fish in the sea. :) Look at this as God’s providence in sparing you any more anguish.

            God bless

          • Marie L. says:

            November 13, 2014 at 9:18 pm
            .
            Your comment is awaiting moderation.

            “Do you mean this man could still be in love with her?”

            From what I gather it seems as though he may feel he has made himself vulnerable to her…allowing her to control him. Maybe because he’s grown so accustomed to her treating him that way.. I am not sure I call something like that “love”. On the other hand, it seemed he took you for granted to make himself feel better about himself as a man afterwards. Although my perspective is vague because I am not personally there to see it, that’s what I gather from what you wrote.

            I also think your now ex- partner would benefit tremendously if he sought some serious one on one professional counseling along with taking anger management classes. If it’s really as bad as it sounds, I doubt that he would be able to hold any kind of relationship with anyone until he breaks that grip she has on him. I feel bad for his kids, no wonder they turned out the way they did.

        • It’s interesting how the ex wife always has a “personality disorder” after being cheated on and dumped for some whoring homewrecker and left to try and survive.
          Also how these “new and improved..perfect wives” are so effing controlling.
          Let your new husband be the “man” and you try being the woman..if you know how.
          it’s HIS business..not yours..your little boy doesnt need protecting from the woman he cheated on and abandoned. YOU made the choice to chase/marry a cheating husband / father..so suck it up!!

          • If you read my post, many ex wives that do seem to have a “personality disorder” caused the divorce in the first place by committing adultery, etc. That was the case in my situation. I came along long after what happened. My husband actually had given her one last chance to end the affair she was having and was willing to forgive her again even though she had affairs twice before in their 22 year marriage. She didn’t take it. At the end of the last affair also left her with a child. Now, she is finding herself destitute and desperate and now resents my husband and myself because our lifestyle hasn’t changed for the worse likes hers did. Because of this she has harassed us with numerous calls, threatened to get my husband fired from his job, tries to set his adult children against the both of us and tells people things that I have never said. I barely talk to her on the phone. When she calls I let her leave a message or my husband takes the call and I do not get involved. So if you don’t mind me saying, please read posts fully before you add your reply. As just for your info, I also do not approve of anyone committing adultery, wife or husband.

        • “Do you mean this man could still be in love with her?”

          From what I gather it seems as though he may feel he has made himself vulnerable to her…allowing her to control him. Maybe because he’s grown so accustomed to her treating him that way.. I am not sure I call something like that “love”. On the other hand, it seemed he took you for granted to make himself feel better about himself as a man afterwards. Although my perspective is vague because I am not personally there to see it, that’s what I gather from what you wrote.

          I also think your now ex- partner would benefit tremendously if he sought some serious one on one professional counseling along with taking anger management classes. If it’s really as bad as it sounds, I doubt that he would be able to hold any kind of relationship with anyone until he breaks that grip she has on him. I feel bad for his kids, no wonder they turned out the way they did.

          • Thanks for you great comments, I must say both of your comments have helped me tremendously, I am seeing a counsellor and she even said they were really helpful comments.
            Its been nearly 3 months now since we broke up. I have been through very bad depression. Time off work and ill. I keep blaming myself for starting the arguments and it was me that physically pushed him first in our last argument, I lost the plot, but this was just after the x had text me repeating coversations that me and my x had had i.e. about me wanting them to get a divorce. If i hadn’t of started the arguments then maybe we would still be together as he did say to me we fight all the time and he never fought with even her that much or any other relationshiop and that our fights got violent.
            He disappeared a few day’s after our argument and quick 5 second breakup phone call. From then on he disappeared for a month wouldnt take my calls. He had my belongings and some money as I had arranged a short holiday for us which he cancelled. I had paid for it. After 5 weeks he text me out of the blue saying he needed to sort out his stuff and that he would like me to return my stuff. That night I got a lot of abusing texts from him and nasty nasty message’s from his kids, even some of their friends on facebook accusing me of keying his car. My mother had to call him to get my stuff he returned it in the middle of the night. I text and said I dont know why this had to get so ugly. No reply. He even answered my call once and said he would call me back nothing. I don’t get why he just disappeared from my life when we were so close and in love. That’s what hurts.

            On the other hand, it seemed he took you for granted to make himself feel better about himself as a man afterwards.

            What did you mean by this?

            Do you think he would have the same problems with anyone else?

            I have never loved someone like this ever before and I don’t know how to move and also stop blaming myself for the fights. I feel like a pshycho.

          • “On the other hand, it seemed he took you for granted to make himself feel better about himself as a man afterwards.

            What did you mean by this?”

            “Do you think he would have the same problems with anyone else?”

            Now I still like to mention again that my perspective is vague because I don’t know you personally and not I am not there to see it, but from what I gather, it looks as though he might’ve been embarrassed that he allows his ex wife to control him so much and was called on it by you, then in turn, made himself feel better by treating you the way he did. In other words, what is being done to him by his ex wife made him feel less of a man… so to make up for that, he took you for granted to make him feel more like a man without concern that he was hurting you worse. Sort of a like a twisted, backwards “caveman” effect. .do you see what I mean?

            “Do you think he would have the same problems with anyone else?”

            OH YEAH! If he does not emotionally remove that grip she has on him and gets some kind of professional help to control his anger, then I seriously doubt he’ll be ever able to have any kind of healthy relationship with anyone else.

          • thanks marie, my goodness your advice makes me feel so much better,
            my only major hangup or problem and i dont seem to be moving on from this is why did my x just disappear?
            we had an argument, i feel like its my fault as i gave him the silent treatment for a day after his x contacted me by text and got so aggro. i felt he had done nothing to get her to back off.
            she was texting him all that night during our fight.
            he disappeared once again for days after ignoring me(not the first time). he cancelled the holiday i paid for with a few days notice and told me we cant move forward as we fight too much, more so than with his relationship with her and i shoved him he punched me not hard though we both egged each other on., he isn’t an angry person at all. i find it hard to believe he didnt argue with her after he told me she assaulted him on the beach that day?he then didnt speak to me for a month. ignoring calls etc.
            he finally text me after a month saying sorry it didnt work out but i needed to sort out my stuff. he has never spoken to me ever again since. took him 3 months to pay me money for the holiday and return my belongings after i had to get my mother to call him. (he left them in her driveway in the middle of the night). his kids also sent me harrassing messages on facebook accusing me of keying his car including him. i threatened to go to the police.
            i dont get why he just disappeared like that after making me believe he was so in love with me. i even tried to break it off a few weeks before and he begged me not too saying im the best thing that has ever happened to him. and disappearing from my life. there was no need for it to get so ugly.
            this is why i think maybe its my fault for causing arguments and getting so agggressive.

          • I cannot believe it, a friend of mine is friends with the x wife, guess where they met, on a dating site. She has been talking to him for 6 months which is the time we were together. She caused so much trouble with us, broke us up, didn’t want me around whilst she was looking for men on dating sites.

          • hi there sorry looks like some glitch happened when i posted this it has repeated some stuff we discussed. my reponse was mean to say;
            Thanks for you great comments, I must say both of your comments have helped me tremendously, I am seeing a counsellor and she even said they were really helpful comments.
            Its been nearly 3 months now since we broke up. I have been through very bad depression. Time off work and ill. I keep blaming myself for starting the arguments and it was me that physically pushed him first in our last argument, I lost the plot, but this was just after the x had text me repeating coversations that me and my x had had i.e. about me wanting them to get a divorce
            If i hadn’t of started the arguments then maybe we would still be together as he did say to me we fight all the time and he never fought with even her that much or any other relationshiop and that our fights got violent.
            He disappeared a few day’s after our argument and quick 5 second breakup phone call. From then on he disappeared for a month wouldnt take my calls. He had my belongings and some money as I had arranged a short holiday for us which he cancelled. I had paid for it. After 5 weeks he text me out of the blue saying he needed to sort out his stuff and that he would like me to return my stuff. That night I got a lot of abusing texts from him and nasty nasty message’s from his kids, even some of their friends on facebook accusing me of keying his car. My mother had to call him to get my stuff he returned it in the middle of the night. I text and said I dont know why this had to get so ugly. No reply. He even answered my call once and said he would call me back nothing.
            I don’t get why he just disappeared from my life when we were so close and in love that my main issue and that’s what hurts.

            I have never loved someone like this ever before and I don’t know how to move and also stop blaming myself for the fights. I feel like a pshycho.Just dont get why he disappeared out of my life and treated me so badly when really he should have treated the x like this, not me.

      • you clearly have never dealt with a crazy manipulative x wife.. I will agree that the husband should take responsibility and protect his new relationship. Seems he has his wife doing alot of the dirty work.. My guess is his x wife is interfering so much because he is being wishy washy about boundries. 40% of his income is insane…He should be allowed to have a life after divorce and she should put some of that jealous crazy energy into working more if she needs more money..I’m sick of these entitled women…get over yourselves

        • I agree. I hear them in line at grocery stores complaining about their ex es and money ect. Then they pay with his credit card. Hypocrites. They need to move on and realize he couldn’t stand you, that’s why he left. Trying to manipulate someone’s life constantly must be draining because I see a lot of bitter ex wives looking pretty old.

  12. Michelle,

    It sounds like your husband’s ex-wife has made life so difficult and frustrating! Marriage can be challenging enough, without a woman from the past trying to make things worse.

    I wish you all the best in taking your power back. If you want to share your strategies, we’d love to learn from you!

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  13. My husband ex wife is in sane. When he was in the process of divorcing she would call him and harass, yell, scream at him; till she got what she wanted. Before he signed the final paper; she would call him and yell at him and tell him that he need to support his family and if he didn’t he wasn’t a good father. She would ask him for money all the time even though she got 1500.00 a month .She inflated his income to get 40% of his gross income. She is only entitled to 20% of his net income. When he transferred the child support to the support agency, she called him screaming and put her son on the phone crying because he wasn’t going to be able to go on spring break because mommy didn’t have any money and its daddy’s fault. She demanded he send her and extra payment till she got her child support. She did pay him back though. She is very greedy. She ran up bills and credit cards in his name and he had to file for bankruptcy. 300000.00. She was anger that he was going to do that and told him that he need to take care of his family. She won’t move on with her life. She got the house she can’t afford. Her income with child support is 4000.00 a month and she can’t live off that. His is only 2300.00. She has a lien against the house for not paying of HOA fees. She lies about her parents giving her money and buying things for her and the kids.
    On our wedding day, she calls my husband and asks him why he is bringing the kids back to the house. She said that it was our weekend with the kids and she thought we were taking the kids with us on our honeymoon. LOL. I had emailed her twice and told her our plans and what days we would not have the kids. She never responded. My husband told her that we were not keepings that we had plans out of town; She text me on my wedding day asking for the address so someone could pick up the kids. I did not respond.
    Somehow she stopped the attorney general from helping reduce the child support and told both of them that they would need to go to court. We are now going to go to court. She is going to make a fool out of herself in court. I can’t wait. We have a really good lawyer; he said she is the worst. He knows how to handle her. She can’t afford and attorney either.
    She is really going to be angry and harass him then when he wins. She use the kids manipulate him. She has them spy on us and ask us about what we are doing in our life and use it against my husband because we can afford to do more things than her.
    We are now taking the power back.

    • this sounds like my life. it;s been ten years and his ex is still in our lives. she doesnt work and guilts him into giving her money even though the kids are over 18 now. we moved to florida 6 months ago and now she is talking about moving here. I’m so sick of this, it makes me just want to give up.

  14. Jean, these are fantastic tips for entering into a marriage with a man who has been married before! Thank you – I really appreciate your input.

    I just finished reading a book of questions to ask before you get married, and think that’s even more important when your spouse (or you) have been married before.

  15. I think all people before marriage should go through marriage counseling- ask tough questions of both like: who will handle the finances? how many children to you want to have? what will you think if your spouse gets fat? what will you do when your spouse no longer puts you as #1? stay committed? how will you handle your future in-laws? where will go every holiday?
    2nd marriage adds a whole additional dimension that is so beyond comprehension of 1st marriage- especially when ex spouse / children are involved. questions you need to ask before 2nd marriage- similar as above and add: who will you put first- ex or me? do you expect me to have relationship with your ex’s family? do you still do housework or yardwork for your ex? if yes, then run. do your ex in-laws still expect your soon to be spouse to be part of their family? are you able to put me first in front of your kids? recommend do not live in house any ex has ever lived in. do not marry anyone looking for money, a cook, or a house cleaner. also recommend to be prepared in cases where step children are not accepting or respectful. Holidays are chaos and stressful. Being a step=parent is not always pleasant experience.
    Love is wonderful- takes 2 to get married, 1 to get divorced. Good Luck and always be sure you know how the marriage cards will play out before committing.

    • My husband sons are 28 and 23 years old. both my husband his x wife treat them like children when it comes to letting them grow up. today’s your moms birthday (because boys dont have good relationship with her) so he tells them but let them do what they want because they are not babies. She expects my husband to keep her up on things going on with the boys but like when they are coming into town. I dont agree they are divorced and boys are grown. its sons place to do this. x wife calls and jumps all over my husband for not calling her. but one is in hospital for medical emergency and she doesnt notify my husband. emergency is different. Im having issue with this.

    • i wish i had know that question about do you still do housework for your ex? he has been over there numerous times. he was just over there fixing his daughters computer who is 23 and still lives with her mom. neither of them work.

  16. Re-reading these comments, I somehow don’t think having lunch with your husband’s ex-wife will do the trick. If she’s bitter, angry, and unhappy — not to mention toxic because she’s emotionally unhealthy — then bonding over burgers and beer is a bit unrealistic.

    And, sometimes the “toxic” ex-wife has every right to be angry and bitter.

  17. Dear Renee,

    My first thought is that your situation is so complicated, I think you need to talk to a counselor. I don’t know all the intricacies of what’s going on – I can’t give you advice!

    That said, however, I’m not sure abandoning a marriage to a great guy is a good idea. I think your kids have been through so much…maybe they need to see you work through problems with your husband, and stay together. All marriages are difficult, but kids learn the most when couples pull through the bad times together. That’s how they’ll learn how to build happy relationships of their own – by seeing you and your husband unite and conquer.

    I don’t know how to solve the problems with your husband’s ex-wife, or the problems with his kids. I encourage you to talk to someone in person for support and guidance — and perhaps help leaving this man, if you think that’s the right thing to do.

    You’re right that you need to protect your kids! That’s the most important thing, of course.

    I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. Please get professional advice, and let me know how it goes!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  18. Need help: This is my 3rd marriage, 1st one left when our son was born with medical problems, 2nd was abusive, 3rd is amazing. Except his x wife and I love them to death but his 3 kids. So the x and him would fight ALL the time, eventhough they have been divorced for like 9yrs. But when we got together things got better, till we got married. His kids are now 9-boy, 7-boy & 6-girl. I have a 10-boy and 5-girl Since about this time last yr it has been nothing but trouble. First the x tried picking fights at the girls soccer games which I coached. Eventhough she was all the trouble now I cannot coach. Then she hits my son in the face with a door. Then at every pick up/drop off she starts fights has cops called out, we exchange at police stations. Her husband threaten my husband right infront of my daughter. Now the kids, we had to have the cops at our house over labor day as my step daughter threaten to kill everyone, drew blood on me, triped and fell during her tantrum and threaten to tell everyone I threw her down, thankfuly it was all recorded. She also got made because she had to sit in time out and tripped, knocked down my daughter causing her to hit her head. The 7yr old, would either refuse to eat and threatened to tell police I was straving him or spit his food at me, unless I made him exactly what he wanted. This child also smashed a kids face into a chain link fence last year, knocked a girls tooth out during the summer and bashed his brothers head into a pole almost breaking his jaw. He lied to us about things going on in his moms house, abuse, neglect and when cps did an investigation he told them that his dad was lyeing to cause trouble for his mom. The 9yr old, was investigated by Child Protective Services for touching my daughter, although they said he was just helping her wipe, then he tried to attack my son and went after my daughter over christmas break. He is about 100lbs and threw my 5yr 45lbs to the ground and went to attack her. The police had to go to his school after he tried to attack a teacher twice and his mom. The kids can not come over at this point because they have made so many threats and the voilence towards my kids. The counslers fear for childrens saftey. And everytime they do something or break something at my house they get rewarded by their mom, she buys them toys, games, clothes, etc. They have broken mine and my kids stuff when they get made, several $100 worth. Now his x is trying to ruin my coaching church football, which I have coached my son for 5yrs. She has told the organization that I am the dangerous one and Im not to be around her kids. Now if my husband wants to have his kids for the weekends, Thursday through Sunday every other weekend and ever Thursday to Friday night he has to go to his parents. So these kids destroy my house, hurt my kids, his x wife is trying to destroy what my kids and I do outside of the home, and now my husband has to leave us every week. And these kids are old enought to know better and they choose to act like this. I know this is killing my husband, it is destroying our marriage, and Im an adult I can take it, barely, but its hurting my kids. CPS, the police, the courts will not do anything because its a civial matter. We are about ready to split and we havent even been married a year and this has all happened. His x told him yesterday that she hated him and will not stop until she ruins his, mine and my kids lives or until he signs off his rights. What do I do, how far do I let this go until I say enough and walk away because at this point it looks like thats the only to protect my kids. Any advice please ????

    • It sounds like untreated mental illness in both her and her kids. The kids could be hospitalized psychiatrically for such violent behavior and what sounds like sexual abuse. I would keep calling the cops with every violent incident to build a paper trail. Also keep a diary and see if you can get his kids in to a psychiatrist.

  19. ok ladies I really really need your help. my husband and his ex dated the last year of h.school. 2 years later they got married had a baby….through all the time they were together she cheated on him 6 times. left him for someone , came back..so on. she hated him…had a baby with another man and then filed for divorce. anyways, me and him meet , fall in love get married. together we have 4 kids. have a great life. then the worst ..he died. me and the kids are crushed and on top of dealing with his death she is now writing on his facebook that she loves him and he was the one (even tho she has had 7 boyfriends in the year that he has been dead) I am ok with her having feelings , being sad because someone she knew growing up has passed and the father of her child but she is tooo much! my stepson (who I used to have all the time) is now not allowed to see us and she told him we are not his family…she told him that her and daddy were happy and we were friends ( he is old enough to know better …way old enough) she is a drama queen and tries to take jabs at me when she can. everytime we hear that she is telling someone that her hubby has died. I almost think she is doing it so everyone will feel sorry for her..seems she only loves him when it works for her. help me understand this casue between his death and her b.s …its killing me

  20. I have read almost every comment and I can somewhat relate to most of them. I am the “Ex-Wife” and I am also dealing with my new husbands “Ex-Wife”. The way I handle my ex-husband is through court letigations. I hate talking to him or his “Women”. I try not to call, text,or e-mail. I don’t want to go to any of his family functions and haven’t been invited to any since our divorce. I had dinner with his former GF once, but we were never “Buddies”. I stay away from him and his abusive ways.

    New Hubby (Who I love dearly), was married to his “X” for about 14yrs, 5 children (one step child included 4 biological). When we meet the situation was horrific, but we survived it and got married. The “X” thought the marriage was a joke, and that he would find his way home as he normally does. So she let her children come to our home, they were able to contact their dad and I whenever. Everything was PEACHY!

    I got PREGNANT, and had a baby. This women now says my husband has been having sexual relations with her, he has been saying he is going to divorce me, the children can’t come over anymore, the teenage children have been sending me hate TEXTS cursing me from my MAMA down. She calls his phone the minimum of 2 to 3 times a day, etc. Totally toxic, totally out of control, and this “X” has a MAN of two yrs.

    My ADVICE: When I am over someone, I’m over it. Kid or no kid. If she/he has left for whatever reason….LET IT GO! Don’t turn toxic don’t be bitter, there are enough “FISHES IN THE SEA”. Now if you are dealing with the ex. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. They HATE that. Play it cool. You might be mad, u might want to cry, get a divorce, fight, curse. DON”T DO IT! The “X” will know they have WON.*

    *Listen, this is testimonial advice..take it or leave it. But I know first hand!

  21. Hi. This is my first time on this site and some of the comments are harsh. Well, I married a wonderful person, when i first met him he was living at his sister’s house and was separated. See, i did not know he was separated until later that he told me. I explained to him that i did not want to deal with a separated man because a separated man to me is still married one and not divorced. He said to me that they had planned to move on with their lives June 2009. I met him April 2009 when living with his sister. I explained to him that I would wait.Therefore, we just became good friends. Our feelings were growing strong and he wanted me to meet his kids so i did. He did not want me to meet his ex-wife but incidentally we met and was pretty cordial. She was smiley but phony, she said she moved on with someone else and which she did. She would intentionally tell him to come by and fix things in the house because her new man is coming over and that she needed help fixing it up. I thought it was very weird. See, i am a very patient woman! Sometimes you lose your cool when things like this happen. Our relationship became really serious and we moved in together. She was upset that we moved in and that her relationship had failed with all the abuse that she inflicted on him.What i do not understand if you mistreat a human being and they are not happy for along time should they stay? Hell No! you move on life is short! Throughout her failed marriage and relationships after marriage she is still blaming him. You have to look at yourself and see your issue. I love her children and they are the best thing that ever happened to me. I get along with them very well! We are now married and are very happy. She just began realizing how good i am to her children because she thought that i would abuse them or do something to them weird. This is not me! She is very miserable. she is currently in a two year relationship that she hates so much. She told my husband that she would never marry again. Every time my husband goes to pick up the kids she has something to derogatory to say to him. He is a humble guy and loves his children but not her she does not understand that. I feel bad for her. She wanted the house you got it, you left him in debt called the cops and made false accusations that he try to hit you! She is insane! She invites me to events and so forth and i do not go because i do not know her intentions. The reason why i do not want because she is vindictive. See,sometimes we marry for convenience and should not be like that. Marry your friend someone you are really in love with and happy to be with. Don’t change after your marriage because that puts a strain on your marriage. Do i have all the answers No. Although i know what works for me and my man.

  22. This article is pretty sorry. One… there’s NO kissing ass and being phony nice- really… there are MANY- into the millions of ex-wives with kids who intentionally treat that ex-husband like CRAP, add a kid or two and it’s power tripping, control 101. If you new guy has an ex, they have a kid or kids, that ex-female is always going to be this way because like other said- IF that initial relationship had been good, they’d still be together- so if the ex-female treated the guy like crap, she’s going to think she will do the same to the new person in his life. I’ve dealt with mature women and caustic ones- currently dealing with a caustic ex and they just NEED to learn their forever place- an EX. May share a kid, but you don’t get to boss, control or manipulate the guy anymore- many women do this and use the kids as pawns- it’s BS at its finest, it’s selfish and does far more damage to the kids. Women by nature are jealous, mean, nasty, vindictive when they don’t get their way- an ex-wife with kids isn’t getting her way anymore and they intentionally try to cause trouble- it’s drama their insecurities feed off of.

    • Ex husbands can also be jealous, mean, nasty & vindictive. Which is why i left my hometown and moved 2000 miles away so i did not have to deal w/the abuse or anything else he could dish out. I find there are always two sides to every story and it’s in your best interest to find out both sides of a marriage story. The truth is somewhere in-between. A future husband or wife rarely tells the truth about themselves & i mean the whole truth, because they are trying to make themselves look good . I don’t believe a lot of what men say about their ex’s. I know they are no different than i am(ex-wives) & i feel for them because they are going to help me in the end by telling me part of the truth. That way, i don’t make the mistake of letting “love” blind me to the truth about some man i may be interested in. It keeps it in the “real” world and i do not have to be deceived. My advice to anyone who is going to marry someone who has been married before; Take everything they say w/a grain of salt; It’s “always” the ex-spouses fault, just like all the people in prison are innocent !! Be impartial, do not automatically take your “future husband’s” side. Keep an impartial ear out for the truth & talk to the ex-wife & get her side of the story. Tell her you want to know “her side” of why their marriage didn’t work, because you “know” there are two sides to every coin !!!

  23. Give your head a shake.. the stepford replacement is the one who lured a married man, who left his loving and devoted wife, now thinks she is special.. trash. they deserve each other and yeah damned right I am angry.. two families were ruined, friends were lost and grief seems to be a dirty word.. who is culpable, which lies do you choose to believe so you can justify your bad behavior?

  24. OK ladies… to befriend the X or not…. I think it is extremely difficult to be friends with an X wife. Being courteous is necessary because we are adults but the advice to keep you distance is good advice. There is just something about jealousy — it is ugly — I want no part of it. Recently someone said to me that X wife feels she has retained that “special” quality in the X husband’s heart. However, once he has moved on, this is no longer true… but he X wife doesn’t grasp this fact…. and she is jealous. This is demonstrated by her outrageous behavior. My X husband remarried and I do not feel jealous at all. Good for him, he deserves a life as do I. I do not want to hang out with him and his new wife, I do not want to be at his family’s functions… I want my new life — it is why I left!! So, when my husband’s X is at all his family functions, wants to hang with him (us) at functions and complains when he/we don’t talk with her at functions — well the cheese stinks. This is not normal. Too bad for her, we do not go places so we can hang out and talk with her all evening. She still considers them “a family” and has said so — when we had that talk with her about her pawing at him. She is only “a family” when it is convenient for her. I want no part of her and I will do all that I can to keep her out of my house and out of my life. Sometimes, yes, she will be present at holiday functions, but that is it — Thanksgiving at my house, OK, her son’s birthday party at my house, OK, BUT other functions put on by us or parties at my house NO WAY!!!! Too bad… she left because she wanted to “be on her own” — so I say “let her” !! Boundaries are key — and they need t be set very early on in your relationship with your man…. if he is not willing to set them — run for your life.

    • i can understand why you feel like you do. You seem to be insecure. Jealousy? From who? You or her? be honest w/yourself. You and everyone else in this world knows, that once you love a person, you never stop loving them, ever. It can’t be done. No matter how much you ‘hate” or don’t like that person, deep down inside, you still love them, even if it is a nuisance to you at times or makes you upset w/yourself. If the ex-wife “hangs” on him because she’s drunk or insecure-well, there you go…consider the source. It seems this is a lesson you have not learned yet in life. Yes, that’s right, he’s your man and he will be for as long as “you” choose for him to be. It “is” normal to gravitate towards what you know and are familiar with. So if she acknowledges you at parties or functions & chit-chats about nothing….so what? She doesn’t have a life, you do, get over it. Someone said, she said, “she holds a special quality in his heart”…yeah, that’s right a “special needs quality” place….who was this someone who told you that? Don’t believe everything you are told. Lots of people tell lies trying to start something w/people they are jealous of that seem to have a good relationships. I moved away from my ex, 2000 miles, so i don’t have to deal w/him or his second wife whatsoever. I would suggest you save your money from your work & discuss w/your husband moving to another town, far away from friends & family members who “interfere” w/you & your lifestyle. Even family members can ruin a good marriage or help it, depending on the person. i “had to” be around my ex & his second wife at my daughter’s wedding. I spoke not a single word to either one, because i did not have to. They have accused me of ‘trying to cause trouble’, only because i have my own opinions & don’t believe in lying or sweeping things under the rug. (this all from a 2nd wife who claimed at church she was my daughter’s mother) Oh yes, these are our children they said to the pastor–not. My youngest told the pastor, ‘that’s not true, i have a mother, she’s my step-mother” to which her father promptly punished her for telling the truth–all this from her father “the pastor/oh did i mention he is a preacher?) You don’t have to be around this woman/the 2nd wife, you don’t even have to talk to her if you don’t want to-stay away from her & do not invite her to thanksgiving or christmas or easter or anything-she will eventually get the message. If you know she is going to be there, try not to be there if you can do so. If you see her heading for your table, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. I find avoiding works pretty well. If that doesn’t work, then i confront, and i listen very carefully……..it took me years to figure out i didn’t have to answer the phone!! But when i did, it was such a relief!i

      • It is not true that once you love a person, you love them for life. I do not still love an ex-boyfriend or 2 who I truly loved at one time. At that time, they were the right person for me, but as I stood back, saw who they really were, and how that meshed with my values, and no longer loved them or wanted them in my life. It was a struggle to break the habit of loving them and being with them, but it was better for me, and once I broke the habit, a pattern, or way of being with them, my life was better. And I didn’t and don’t need them around anymore, don’t care to ever see them again, and don’t love them any more. I have found much better.

    • Marie,

      I so agree with your post about the ex is the ex! Move on! Yeah, what I don’t understand is she is the one who left my husband for another man. She is the one that walked out of this relationship and was not around for a good long time. Now that I am in the picture, she seems to come around more and more. It is like she is trying to pry her way back into the house, and the relationship. I don’t recall her being asked to be a part of our marriage.

  25. I have to ask anyone what they think of this.I’m so lost and confused.
    I married a man with two grown children that is also grandfather of two and one on the way.I have a 17 daugther that I adpoted,I have to say she is sweet and so kind.
    When I met my soon to be husband’s Mother she was not kind or nasty but when we got ready to leave she looked me dead in the eyes told me I needed to watch him.I was puzzled. She later played it off. We married and I would go to his Childrens home to the grandkids birthday parties his mother would not speak to me because his x wife was thier and the X’s family she stayed close to them.
    Now lets keep in mind he was marrried to his X for 27 years. But she left him for another man and told him she never loved him.

    I knew going into this it would be hard. But it turned into a nightmare just because I will not jump when his mother thinks I should or listen to her on how to treat her baby boy,visit when she think’s I should, so she she gets back close to the X and so does his whole family.
    My husband’s X mother-in-law told me to my face he would always be her son-in law..
    I find this all strange that after the man my husband’s X wife left him for passed away and one month later she had taken up with someone new, moved out state.That did not last long and she is now back with his daughter.
    My daughter and myself feel left out and like outsiders. My husband will not defend us against his mother or his Grown Childrens actions at all. So I stay away now.I was kind and just played it off for a long time.My Mother-in-law cuts my daugher down and cuts me down.
    So now he goes alone to all the family events without me.I can’t watch us be treated this way and go along with it. So it’s his X and his family at the get togethers and we feel like the toys left on a island and forgotten.We suffered through to many events getting treated this way.
    I never wanted him to pick between me or his grown children and grandkids that’s wrong.We made a deal to start new traditions with his kids and grandkids at our home but they refuse to even come here. He has to go to thier homes where his x wife is always at. His sisters are all still friends with her after telling me they disliked her because of what she did to him, walking off and leaving him for another man..Well thier actions are speaking real clear it was OK for her to remarry but not him.
    I really can’t handle this my nerves are breaking and so is my daughter’s.
    His Mother is a holy terror and the X seems to be wanting him back.She has no income and living with her daughter and husband.I have caught him in coutless lies. He sneaks gives his 28 old son money all the time and still helps his 36 year old daughter while we do without.I know they were a family before I cam along and everyone needs a helping hand sometimes.I pay for our food here and help out all I can.I’m only working part time right now because of a illness
    I stay broke and he has money plus gives his Children cash. Something is worng with this picture.
    I went above and beyond to look over this and try to remain nice.Now to be honest, I have stopped being nice. I won’t be a door mat. I never wanted this.I just wanted us all to get along. But my best efforts failed. I don’t say anything ugly I just stay awy because it’s to painful to watch and to be treated like this. I have not one ounce of support from my husband on this issue.
    What would any of you do in my shoes?

    • Your e-mail is from 2 years ago, but after handling divorce mediation for years, and being in my own blended family situation, I feel strongly that you should leave this situation, for your own mental health and your daughter’s. The only way that a blended family can work is if the 2 spouses are committed TO EACH OTHER to make it work. The 2 spouses must come first, they must commit to work as a team. The dynamics to tear apart the couple are too strong, and the bond must withstand the tremendous pulling. I hate to say it but most men do not have the strength or staying power to withstand the huge amount of female wrangling that makes the situation extremely difficult for the current wife. Please find your sanity again, which is away from this family.

  26. My boyfriend’s ex partner lives very near they have 2 children. She has a high flying job and goes away often and leaves the children stay with my boyfriend this is happening more after I met him.The children are aged 13 and 15.
    There is no notice and sometimes if we make plans to go away for a weekend and ex wants us to babysit then she sends texts saying she needs a break and asking for us to make arrangements for them, we have to cancel cos my boyfriend wants his kids to be ok and not left alone. We run them around and his ex texts to tell him to take of fetch them somewhere or school,doctor friends. The ex does not seem to want to look after them full time or take responsability and blames him if things go wrong or asks him to sort it out.
    She always asks for money and tells him how much pocket money to give them and rants if he doesn’t by text. Though he has been very short of money and she is doing very very well , but she does not give money to him to feed the kids when she is gone for weeks at a time. When they were together he did a lot and I feel that they act as though they are still together but with no sex. We are making plans for us and my children to move in but his kids still have bedrooms in his house though they live very near, my boyfriend says he always wants them to have their home with him as well, but he also wants me to feel at home and for my kids to move in and this means but this has to mean taking the bedrooms, he cant see this and says everything will be fine. Am I being unreasonable to be worried and anxious as I feel not at home.What advice an anyone give me? Am I being unreasonable? My boyfriend says he does n ot like his ex but cares about his kids.

  27. My fiance is in his late 50s and divorced his first wife 20 years ago. He was a peace corp volunteer in the Congo and this 17 yr old semi-literate village woman who already had an illegitimate kid by another foreigner latched onto him. Although 27, he fell for it when she got pregnant pretty fast, he felt obliged to marry her and take her to the US. She got the American passport she wanted, so after three years in the USA he divorced her because of her unreasonable behavior. This woman leeched off him and had a meal ticket for the rest of her life. She used the maintenance he had to pay for his biological kid plus her other one to buy herself a house, while he lived in rented accommodation and never managed to save any money. She still hangs around his extended family and tries to maintain contact with him. We don’t live in the US but are overseas and he thinks that I am being unreasonable refusing to ever meet this leech. The woman has kept his name and I don’t see why he needs any contact whatsoever with her. He still defends her if I criticize. Is he still carrying a torch for this woman and should I be concerned?

  28. My husband is having an affair with a just turned 22 year old girl…he is 40 1/2. I’m 46…My husband has asked for a divorce and told me that this was not going how he expected because I told him I would not accept full custody of our children that he would have joint custody. I am devastated that he has left us for this other girl and thinks he is “in love”. I want the girl to know that he is not going to be footloose and fancy free but that he will be having his kids 3 days every week and he works in the evening the rest of the week so there just isn’t going to be much time for her. I’m sure he is not telling her this…because he lied and did not tell her that we were still having sex during their six month affair while he lived at home…so here’s the question??? I thought that I would send her a mother’s day card congratulating her on her new found motherhood. What do you think? At least I’m not stalking her—

  29. I hate my husband’s ex-wife!
    At first, she pretended to be nice…came to my side of the car…made small talk…about what? About her life with MY husband (boyfriend at the time). I eventually told her that I have nothing to say to her.
    She would call my husband non-stop (at least 2-3 times per week) just to talk “about *******” (my step-daughter). If he didn’t want to talk, she would say things like “Are you okay? Why don’t you want to talk to me?” She even would call him to ask him to pick up the paper for her before he went to pick up his daughter. If he said no…she would cry and do stupid stuff to try to get him to feel bad!
    Everytime we picked up ****** up, she would rush to the car and say whatever she could to make me angry….like “Sorry I forgot to call you on your birthday! I got you this small gift…” He told her that he didn’t want her coming to the vehicle anymore because he didn’t want anything to do with her. He had several conversations with her about not talking about anything except *******. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing…. I got in a verbal argument with her when I got out of the car to get ******* and she picked ******* up at age 7 and tried to walk past me. When I said “I’m going to take her from here. Please do not go near my vehicle.” She FLIPPED and said “Are you saying that I cannot hug my daughter?????” I said “No, hug her here…I’m walking her to my vehicle.” She stormed past me, put ******* in my car, buckled her in, then walked around to my husband who was sitting in the passenger seat. She started banging on his window because it was winter and said “You need to keep better control over this B*t**!” I told her to go screw herself.
    After that, my husband put it in writing to both her and the FOC that she was not to come to our vehicle anymore. Next time we saw her, she said “That’s okay, I know where you live.” Is that a threat??
    She recently went to FOC and had an attorney for more parenting time. They granted her more parenting time and the referee is requiring that my husband have a verbal relationship with her….is that legal???

  30. With all due respect, attempting to follow your advice only enabled my husband’s ex to get close enough, to stab us both in the back,
    repeatedly.

    At first I thought it was great that she seemed ever so friendly, and seemed to hold a desire for us to “all get along.” What I foolishly didn’t realize that she had dumped my husband because she thought she could “do better”, but what she was really doing was keeping him around as an “option”, just in case things didn’t work out!

    For the sake of my husband’s children, I also saw nothing wrong with her continuing to show up at HIS family functions. We had no idea what a mistake that was until it was far too late.

    So, as soon as her 2nd marriage failed, she then proceeded to chase after my husband. Not only involved his children, but she involved HIS mom, dad, and sister, (ie., her evil minions) who she had convinced that my husband secretly wanted her back, and that I was the only thing standing in their way. Just fact that my husband had never objected to having his ex continue hanging around all the time, was all she needed to convince them that the reason was because he secretly wanted her back, and he was only staying with me out of “loyalty” and convinced them to play all kinds of nasty games to try to get me to leave him.

    When my husband attempted to call his family on their behavior? well, his own mother laughed and asked him how I was ever going to find out? My husband was so upset, he had to leave, and immediately called me, literally crying his eyes out that his own mother had betrayed him.

    When I called his mother on what she had done, she responded by telling me that I shouldn’t worry, bercause they had it all worked out, and planned on taking care of me afterwards! Afterwards? You mean after they succeeded in their evil plot to break my husband and I up?

    That’s when I started screaming, and informed her that before I would allow any of them to “take care of me”, I would live in the sewers with the rats first, because I like rats a whole lot better than I like snakes!

    I was dumb enough to forgive them, and as soon as his psychotic ex broke up with with husband #3, they did it all over again!

    To say that I now hate my husband’s family with an all consuming passion that knows no bounds would be an understatement, and even worse, I have no one to blame but myself. I didn’t even meet my husband until after their divorce, and he warned me against having anything to do with her. He had told me all about how manipulative and underhanded she was, how she flirted outrageously with other guys practically from day one of their marriage, and never had a doubt she was looking to “better deal” him, and that he was miserable the entire time. Only thing that kept him from dumping her first, was that his religion only permits divorce for infidelity, which had to be proven, by no less than 2 witnesses, catching them in the act.

    There is no legitmate reason to have coffee with an ex, or have them in your marriage–at all. Not ex girlfriends, boyfriends, or ex spouses. Do so at your own risk.

  31. Anna…. when she is expected to drop off the child at your home, lock the door!!! When she knocks, answer and block the door and do not let her in. OR, you pick up the child or meet at a public place — like a grocery store parking lot… lots of ways to keep her out of your home.

    Laurie — you are so correct. We cannot change anyone else, only ourself. This is so difficult. Lately I have been doing so much better at this but then there are those other days where I do not feel like I am doing well or have made progress in this respect. Overall, I know I have but I have to tough out the hard days.

    MY B/F recently told me he felt it was “petty” for me to request he speak with the x wife about her touching him…. I told him it was hurtful for him to think more of how she would feel about being spoken to than how I felt about her pawing at him… like he was taking sides. We finally did speak with ther and things are better with her keeping her hands to herself. He just didn’t see it and I think it is because she had always been touchy with him as he never had set boundaries. She is used to having him to be with at family holidays, weddings, funerals, you name it. I live with him now and I am not interested in hanging out with her at any functions. I am courteous… this is necessary, but I do not want to be her BFF… she has been too nasty as have his sisters — her BFFs.

    It is sad the sisters think they have to make a choice between us. Why can’t they be nice to everyone and if the X has an issue with it then it is her issue and no one else’s. I am steering clear and I will do everything to keep her out of our life and away from us. We both have 2 kids… and all the kids are adults with their own homes and lives. I have stopped trying to control situations so much — read a great book on codependency — to just let events happen is much better and a lot less stressful, and I can do this and my B/F and I can just steer clear if she is there. So much more comfortable for me and I hope for my B/F.

    Anyone have ideas on how to help myself become less resentful of her? I have it so much better than most of you… no visitation issues with kids or phone calls (that I know of, lol) She does follow us around at functions like our shadow and gets so angry when we just move away and do our own thing. She has no one in her life and not many friends or any for that matter (that I know of) except his two sisters. She just gets under my skin. I have been advised by others who have “been there done that” to pick my battles and just let some things go. Sometimes I just cannot keep my mouth shut…. I SO wish I could just keep my mouth shut sometimes! Any suggestins?

  32. Hi everyone. I have been having issues with his ex. She has not had anything to do with him in 7 years. Now she does not have a man so she is finely letting him talk to his kids. OK so she texts him and the start talking about the past and sending pics of herself and of there wedding were they were kissing. Asking if He misses her. I told him this is not right. But he was scared to say anything to her because He thinks she will take the kids away again. He finally said that I did not like it so she stopped. But the other day she sent another pic of herself from back in the day. I do not get it. He does not ask for the pic she just sends them. And she is always saying she misses her friend meaning him. I do not trust her.

  33. They never go away. His ex and my hubby don’t even have biological kids and she has been remarried for over 2 years to one of the men she cheated with ……… and still there she is. All over his facebook, e-mailing all the family, trying to get him to pay more for HER kids….

    it’s maddening

  34. Fran… change your phone number!!!

    Chelly… Yeah! Good advice to keep this forum positive. (She probably is a toxic X ! lol)

    Michelle…. I feel your pain. My B/F’s X is best friends with his sisters… she is at all of my B/F’s
    family function. She and the sisters have been so hurtful… so I refused to have her in our home for any holidays or parties. I think even her grown son’s spoke to her about her nasty mouth and behavior because she asked to speak to us (we were going to address the issue that night anyway!!!) and tried to smooth things over. She would not, however, own any of her nasty, absurd behavior. She denied pawing at him, poking his belly, flicking at him with her fingers and hugging him. She was asked, by him, to keep her hands to herself. He had never set boundaries with her. There are ways… asking politely, and then legal action if necessary. I will play nice up to a point. My objective is to keep her out of my life the the fullest extent possible. I am no longer willing to make her problems/issues mine. If she starts in with the touching again, she will hear from me in front of the people she makes the touchy behavior in front of…. I don’t give a flip who it is… my B/F, his sisters, friends, their boys…. I don’t care anymore! She is out. I am in!!!!

  35. My huspands ex(11 years) is insane. First of all she was never in their kids life girl 14 And boy 12. She left them for another guy when my steppson wasn’t even a month old. Yes I said it not even one month. Nevered even toook him in for his one month check up..so I come into my huspand and his childrens life about a year and half later…After 8 years of the single party life and sleeping around she gets thrown in jail for aiding/abeiting second degree murder where she starts calling the kids and my huspand from prison..I refuse to let my huspand speak to her espeacially when she haves no respect. She tells the kids and me that I’m not their real mother and for me to stay out of their lives. She allso won’t say my name she refers me to her or she.well anyways she builds a relationship with the kids calling them from prison for about two years and then was shipped to france for being an illegal alien..let me add around this time I’ve have been around and involve with the kids for about 7years now..so thank goodness I don’t have to see her face..the only thing that troubles us noww is that she’s teaching our teenager how to hate us and the life they have with us..she’s says things like “sorry if your new family isn’t what you hope for” or ” how was you christmas and did you guys even have fun?” Yes she treats us like we have been the absent parents that just came back into our kids life after 8 years.phyco! So let’s just say we let the teens keep in contact with their mother but I refuse to let my huspand talk to that women. I tell him she has nothing good to say about me and sometimmes my huspand and she lives so far away she doesn’t even suppport the kids.( the only things they get from her is one gift for their birthday and christmas, and its been only like this for two years)what can she posibly want to talk to you about..I think she’s just tring to gat me..am I wrong for this? Does this make me a bad person? Please give me feedback, need helpp!!!

  36. hi, i have been married to my husband for the last 1 year and he is 3 adult children. Im not sure how to explain this but here goes. my husband’s ex does not visit our house often but when she comes to drop our youngest one off at times she just walks into the house. Also the children invite her in if there is something we have bought or built new… for example, we got our youngest a drumkit for his birthday. i planned a party and invited the ex who promised to attend and then didnt and left no message. the next day i walked into my lounge where the ex was standing with the kids chatting excitedly around her about what happened the other day. there was no apology. i feel disconcerted about having his ex coming into my house unannounced and uninvited by my husband or me. since then anything we do goes straight to her and she has always been there, in someways nosy. but the children invite her into the house and my husband and i feel awkward to ask them not to do that or ask the ex not to just come in when they do… i dont know what to do. I also have become distant with the children who live with us most of the time, as they dont talk to me unless they want something from me. i have noted that the eldest daughter is pretentious and arrogant… none of the kids say thank you or please and there is a lot of swearing around the place. i have tried to be cheerful and approachable for the last year but have now given up. may be not right but it gets frustrating

  37. Learning how to set boundaries with your partner’s ex can be important – especially if she’s trying to criticize or threaten you directly. I’ve seen it many times unfortunately…nasty text messages, phone calls, etc.

  38. Well now my bf’s mom is dying and has days left. He called me tonight and told me his family is all coming this weekend from another city and so is his ex’s family. His ex and him have been seperated for 15 years now and never got back together. Her family has lived 4 hours away for over 20 years as dave came to ottawa when he was 22 ( he is now 50). So why would her family be coming (her brother and her father etc). Also this makes me feel like second best already since dave has 3 grown sons by her. Im feeling very uneasy.

  39. This is directed to DVK – I have to ask you to consider who is being disrespectful – the husband that pays for his ex-wife’s rent (again) then lies to you about it or the ex-wife that accepts the money?
    You could make copies of your documented proof and show it to him, but what would that do? Are you ready for his reaction? What does it tell you when your husband and his ex-wife text each other every day with no reason to discuss their kids? Why are you in this relationship still? He does not respect you nor has he mentally divorced his ex-wife. Is this the life you want?

  40. This article intrigued me as it hits close to home. My husband’s ex wife is impossible, and thats putting it mildly. Nothing we ever do pleases this woman. She refuses to listen to reason. I understand that its probably hard to know that her ex-husband is happy with someone else and thats fine if she wants to hate me or my husband.. My problem is she brings the kids into it. They are 7 and 5. I am very good to those kids, I treat them as my own but with boundaries, that when they call me “Mommy” I politely joke it off and say that they only have one mommy and one daddy and they both love them very much. She tells the kids that her new boyfriend is now their daddy. Its to the point of being ridiculous. I’ve tried to be open and nice to this woman. I”ve talked to her hours on end, trying to come up with a civil solution for any issues that may arise that she has with me. Otherwise she will have to deal with my husband on everything else. My husband and I work very hard for the things we have. We have twins as well, so we have a big family. She gets a LARGE amount of child support each month, plus we buy everything the kids need. She refuses to work and just lives off of the child support she receives. And yet, everytime my husband talks to their children she is in the background calling me “a gold digger” and that those little shits (referring to my 8 month old twins) are taking all of HER money. It KILLS me to bite my tongue, but I refuse to play into her craziness and also the kids need a stable “motherly role model.
    Last summer we had them for the whole summer, both of the kids needed haircuts so we went and got my step daughters hair trimmed, and my step sons hair cut. When she saw this, she screamed at my husband calling him a few choice names then turning to the kids, (who have been right beside him the whole time) and saying “Say goodbye to your father because you will never see him again.” Then forced the kids into her car while they bawled, Literally because we got their haircut. When she found out we were expecting our twins, everytime the kids came by us they said that “Mommy says that when the babies come daddy wont care about us anymore.” and so much more I’d be here for days if i listed everything. I’ve tried so hard to be civil with her, I’ve invited her to have lunch to try and squash whatever issues she has with me. She’s denied with a let’s say, less than polite response. I’ve offered to lend her one of our vehicles when her’s was in the shop, something my husband was not too pleased about lol. She called me a choice 4 letter word because we actually work hard for our things and are able to have an extra car but of course that extra car “shouldve been her’s to begin with”. I’m at my wits end. My step daughter has now resorted to not listening to a word my husband and I say because “Mommy says that I dont have to listen to you because you’re not my mommy and daddy isn’t my daddy anymore, (insert current boyfriends name here) is.” I’ve never been a spiteful person, so I can’t really grasp how some people can be that way. Especially when young kids, or kids in general are involved.. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to be civil? You dont have to be best friends just civil!

  41. REPLY TO:
    Jeanne says:
    February 10, 2012 at 7:55 pm
    This article assumes it is the ex who is “toxic” as opposed to the adultery partner who takes over the life the ex had and wishes the ex would disappear.

    Guess what? If he is married, find someone who is not. You will never gain happiness out of a relationship based on deception, betrayal, lies and deceit.

    I believe in the statement you had given gives off the energy of you where the EX wife and feel very personal about this subject. I would like to comment on that as far as your approach is not being any helpful but disrespectful this a forum of support and positive words or encouragement. This forum was created for a specific subject of assistance for women out there in similar cases trying to look for a brighter and clear sky for their particular situation. In the words of my grandmother if you have nothing nice to say just stay quiet. BTW that was a judgement call judging situations that have different matters makes one look foolish. Again this a support forum not a judgement forum!

  42. I just came back from my husband’s Mom’s funeral- and i have only been married to him for about 4 yrs, and we do not live close to his family. He and I are already having marital problems (communication)and I am not really comfortable hanging out with his family because I don’t really know them. Nevertheless, I do try my best to talk and interact with everyone.
    However, this trip was different because my husband’s X-wife decided to go to the wake, the funeral, and then hung out at the grandfather’s house all day and night. I was very uncomfortable becuse she knew everyone and was flitting around like a butterfly, while I sat there watching everyone. Finally I asked my husband to leave the house, because i was about to cry. It really hurt my feelings that no one thought about how insensitive she was, and I couldn’t say anything without causing a commotion…
    But the real issue is that my husband, my in-laws and she herself see nothing wring with this?! i am so hurt and angry… and confused. If she filed for divorce, why is it that she is still entitled to spend so much time with her x-husband and his family?
    I need some advice. Right now I am considering divorcing my husband and letting her have him. i really don’t have the strength or desire to fight for a man who cannot stand up for me.

  43. My boyfriend loves his son with all his heart and feels guilty for leaving him. He is almost 9 but he sees him every other weekend an 2 or 3 times a week. This is the problem, his ex never picks him up on time and changes weekends because she has things to do. Am I wrong for wanting to be informed of this decision? I don’t mean for him to ask me if it’s ok, just tell her that he needs to talk to me before making a decision. I feel like a horrible person for wanting to be included in these decisions. He says it’s not my concern and he makes the decisions concerning his child. Am I wrong? I feel like she does it sometimes just to let us know she is still in control and it makes me so mad. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please, someone tell me what to do, I don’t want to lose him but I can’t stand feeling like I’m a nobody anymore.

  44. Hi! Ive been with my boyfriend 4.5 yrs, he is 50 and I am 47. Heis seperated for 15 yrs from his ex-wife. They have 3 grown sons. However I find she likes to keep her claws in- she still at times acts like he is still hers. Whenever something happens that involves the kids and something goes wrong- he gets ragged at. He is an alcoholic so hes not reliable and I try to understand things from her perspecitve as a parent (I am not a mother)…but it appears shes forming a wedge between us and it makes me feel second class. He missed a get together his son and girlfirend were having and the ex called and ripped his head off-and he seems to be so concerned that hes upset her whereas I am the one who missed out gettng to know his son as I only met him twice. I am the one who should be upset not her! She treats this son like a 5 yr old hes 26 now and the party didnt include her at all. It seems every time there is a get together its ruined somehow and I feel its her dong it. The first time I met his other son we took them for dinner at xmas and paid and not ven 1 day went by and someone made stuff up that there was an argument and they got upset-and it wasnt! Someone is also smearing my name as his sister at xmas also makes stuff up on me to make me look crazy! In the meantime his mom is dying and his dad said I could move in there but I dont know what Im up against with this ex- I saw she called multiple times frmo different lines to their phone and my boyfriend moved back in with his dad to help. She tells me about buondaries and she has never made any herself! She has a livein boyfriend for 6 years too and a great job. I want to email her to tell her to budout but I feel its not the right timing now wit his mom dying…its not right for sure..

  45. This article assumes it is the ex who is “toxic” as opposed to the adultery partner who takes over the life the ex had and wishes the ex would disappear.

    Guess what? If he is married, find someone who is not. You will never gain happiness out of a relationship based on deception, betrayal, lies and deceit.

  46. Some advise please …… What do I do with a husband who has started paying for his toxic ex-wife’s rent behind my back (again)? I have challenged him with this information however he blatantly denies paying rent of any kind, (although I have actual documented proof of these transactions). She has been absolute poison to our relationship over the last 7 years. She’s stooped to trying to manipulate her sons to poison them against me although they have seen right through her and they love me very much. She’s been through 6 boyfriends and one fiance, all of whom have left her over the years. I recently discovered that my husband and her text each other every day (their kids are 21 and 25 so there’s no need to discuss parenting tips). I now realise that I married a liar and I deeply regret it, especially after the hell his ex-wife has put me through throughout my relationship with him (and she still is). My relationship with my husband doesn’t seem to have been worth all the anguish I’ve been sujected to. Their interaction will never end will it? I need to get out of this relationship don’t I? I am an idiot.

  47. I am in position where my partner had to take his ex to court to have proper acces to his youngest daughter and i stupidly agreed to collecting her 7 year old from her for visits so she can see her father. Five years on i regret that i ever got involved as the ex still insists on passing messages through me and still has nothing to do with the child father who still cannot collect his own daughter from her mother ! All the ex tries to do critisise and attempts to belittle both of us over petty things and it makes me laugh why she can,t just get on with her life and let my partner just be a loving father to his little girl. Is any one else in this position and i wonder if the ex will always be like this. Even after all these years neither of us have given her a reaction but i wonder should we react or just countinue to ignore her comments. Would a reaction be what she wants to think that she is causing trouble between us ? I would be grateful for any suggestions!!

  48. i would like to comment on this. i am with a guy who was married to a lady for twelve years and just this last time was told by the oldest that i was not family and yet i live with him and the kids come here every second weekend. i have totally adjusted my life around him and his kids and i hear other things back through her friends and also others around the town (they live in the same town). she rules everything to do with also our lives and frankly i have had enough of the crap. i love my partner but i just wish his ex would get a life and stop intervering and taking over. she is involving her children in part of the divorce and i don’t think kids should be involved at all as it is not their issue. the one i had previously trouble with has now settled down and the oldest seems to be the problem now. so sick of the same crap but glad i am not alone in all of this

  49. I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!

  50. Marie,

    Thank you for the insight! We did change her cell, we talked about it and she is understanding what is “within my realm” and what is all hers in dealing with her ex.

  51. Gina,

    I am glad you gave the ex wife’s point of view. I think this will actually help me a lot. I get that his family still exists. To complicate matters his ex is best friends with his sisters. I know his sisters from our teen years and I have to be honest when I say sometimes I feel so excluded… and it is because I am. I just have to let that go and still figure out where I fit into the scheme of things. I have not yet felt like I fit in at all and maybe you are right, the best I can hope for is to be the “intimate outsider in the old family”. I feel most of that old family would prefer I not be with him (excluding his kids, both adults, who have made me feel quite welcome). The ex and extended family like the way things were. If all I will ever be is an intimate outsider in the old family, no wonder I am not anxious to go to his family gatherings. I am more interested in starting new traditions with him and moving forward with a life with him. Intimate and outsider are opposites… no wonder there is a problem. I am with him now, everyone needs to help the ex get over it, accept the change and play nice. By the way, she left him… she was the one having the affair!!!! Recently the three of us had a talk to try and figure out how to co exist nicely at family holiday functions. When I didn’t agree with all she suggested, she stamped her foot, hands on her hips, said, I don’t like you and f*** you! I sucked it up for the kids and my b/f, too a Xanax and went to the holiday function. Perhaps things will get better but it takes effort on both sides. This much I know is true. Good luck!

  52. Michael,

    You are not responsible for what another person says to your lady. If her ex said it in front of you, that might be another issue but it was in a text? She does not have to read his texts. If he writes filth like that in texts, don’t read them. End of story. She is being unreasonable in asking you to confront him…. that is her job, if she doesn’t like what he says “to her’. Best thing she could do is not read his texts… maybe even change her mobile phone number. She needs to take some responsibility for herself and set some boundaries with him!!! You cannot do that for her. As her partner your job is to support her and help her but you can’t do the work for her. Maybe the two of you could benefit from a few sessions of counseling, if you really care about her. She needs to hear that she needs to set her boundaries, from someone else.

    Recently my b/f’s ex told me she didn’t like me and f*** you!, while the three of us were trying to have a talk about “family” and I wasn’t agreeing with all her points. My b/f did nothing out of the ordinary… he just said hey hey hey lets keep it civil. It was all I could do to keep from laughing in her face. Such a childish and inappropriate thing to say when you are attempting to mend fences. Their children are grown up… so there are not the issues of visitation or child support… just holidays and acting like adults. We did discuss with her “boundaries” and there is to be no more touching…. she was becoming passive aggressive in the hug, poke, flick which progressed to kissing him… which she denied. He set her straight on that… Yes you did kiss me and stop the touching. She has gotten the message thus far.

  53. I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance’s ex – who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect :) xxx

  54. My ex married his 18-year younger affair partner. The new wife objects to his relationship with our three children (which has now dissipated) as well as to every cent the law requires this man to provide as child support (which he fights and delays every month). She called me on her birthday one year to advise me that my “greed” deprived her of the engagement ring my ex promised her. She demeans my appearance and any other aspect of my life to my children and has rebuffed every effort to resolve the conflict she feels exists between her and I. I found this article to be naive, harmful and unsupportable: the affair partner who ultimately destroys a marriage and family is not “succeeding in areas [the ex-wife] “failed.” My ex-husband must certainly shoulder his responsibility for breaching his vows to me and I accept that I was not perfect either, but the woman has no right to sell her tired lines (“You deserve to be happy,” “I’d take better care of you than your wife,” “Children are resilient – they’ll get over it”) to a man who has those obligations. In my case, discovery of the affair was a complete shock – and now it is as if my ex has rewritten the entire history of our marriage to justify his unhappiness – unhappiness that he was apparently unaware of and never expressed until his mistress came into the picture. I hope their marriage makes it – I don’t want a parade of women coming into and out of my children’s lives. But the affair was my ex’s and his mistress’ failure – his insecurity and narcissism serviced by her immorality and greed – not mine. P.S. Children do NOT get over it, nor does the hurt of betrayal ever completely go away. One can only hope the new wife is worth everything the man gave up to have her.

  55. So I am an ex-wife, I and I have to say that I think you all are foolish. My ex wife/girlfriend, who had a huge public ( they got caught having sex in her office and my bed) affair – seems surprised that I don’t like her and don’t want to talk to her. She tells me she prays for me and hopes we can move past everything for the sake of my children. I am not really interested in moving past it – I am interested in not having to see hear or deal with her.

    The majority of the drama in my life would be avoided if she would hand the phone to person I was calling and but out. I don’t want my ex back, I just don’t want to negotiate or deal with the person who I did not have kids with – however all of that gets viewed as ” not accepting their relationship” or being controlling and toxic . The best description of a new wife or second wife I ever heard ( I have a wonderful stepmother ) is a intimate outsider in the old family. You all married folks who already had made a family – the fact it did not work out does not unmake the family – it just changes and grows, but you might want to think about how the ruptures in the original family were complicated and become a wee bit more humble – and we bit more willing to see how both you and your husbands may also be toxic to that terrible ex wife

  56. Different Angle in dealing with a toxic ex….

    My girlfriend is upset that I did not confront her ex after he called her a “C*NT” via text! I am beside myself because at first I thought of having a “man to man” conversation with him. As I thought the scenario through, I figured it would more than likely lead to a physical altercation and end up with me in jail. Now she is resentful and we have verbally fought and I am on the brink of leaving the relationship because she expected me to confront him. I ALSO HAVE A TOXIC EX, however, I NEVER include her in the horrible things that my ex has to say and figure that I can simply ignore her insults and deal with her only as needed regarding our children.

    For some reason I feel as if I need to know I was right; even though we all perpetuate our own take of reality and what is “right”.

    She believes I am a lesser man and that she can only “count on herself”… she blames me for allowing him to disrespect her, and my feelings are that she needs to handle her ex by establishing boundaries and if needed, getting a restraining order. I just know that the scenario would not have been a good one as we are both prior service and I feel he is mentally unstable (he has been diagnosed with PTSD).

    Any insight on this would be GREATLY APPRECIATED.

  57. Faith… the grandchild had added a whole new dimension. We are nuts for him and see him a lot. Apparently the baby isn’t crazy about his “Nana” just now and that must make her even more insecure and jealous. Hopefully this will pass as the he grows into a tot. No one has addressed my name for this baby’s to call me… it is awkward. The good thing is that children often call you what they want… some darling nickname that sticks. I could not love him more if he were my own.

    Amanda, professional counseling with X wife might be helpful. It is so immature to draw a child into the mix… she is just showing how low she is. I had a lot of counseling before my divorce and some since. It helps a lot.

    Elizabeth, take Sarah’s advice. Stay away from her. She is toxic. You will never win with her. Be proud and confident that your tried.

  58. Sandy I agree, my boyfriend needs to step up and define the boundary for his X wife, since she cannot seem to understand that pawing at him is not appropriate. I am sure she is doing it for my benefit… but it doesn’t matter. It is inappropriate.

  59. I would like to hear from an X wife too. I think it would be interesting and enlightening.

    I am the new kid on the block. My boyfriend and I grew up together and after each of us divorced, we reconnected. We are not married, yet. I relocated after a year of the long distance thing… left my community, grown kids, job, friends to be with him. I do not regret this move but I do miss seeing my kids. It has been three years.

    The X wife is friends with his sisters… which I find amazing since she had an affair and left their brother with two boys 13 and 15… did not want the responsibility of the boys or the house!!! Did not pay child support!!! He was always Mr. Mom — did it all, cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry — you name it. Her affair did not work out for her and she has been single ever since… almost 17 years now!! So the X is not happy about me being here and his sisters rally around her. This hurts and saddens me a lot because I feel I have been marginalized by his family… something I was not expecting. They are toxic in that respect and I am keeping my distance outside of family functions. The X has always attended all family functions, weddings, funerals, holidays, birthdays — you name it. She was used to having her X be her “holiday husband” — someone to hang with at these functions. I am told she attended everything at his home… a sister would call and ask if the X could come and he always said he didn’t care… nice for the boys. She on the other hand rarely invited him to any functions she held at her home. Getting the picture?

    I tried. I decided when I first arrived, what did I have to loose. However, she avoided functions where we would be for 5 months! Finally she had to attend a party and we were introduced… but not before she turned her back and tried to get lost in a group of people! Not a good sign. I have hugged the X after a bridal shower, was polite to her at their son’s wedding, I endured her over a long weekend of his family’s reunion (never again!!!), we invited her to a halloween party at our home last year to celebrate the coming of a grandchild, I invited her to Thanksgiving dinner. She had a brunch after the baby was born, invited everyone who was at our party — except us. I have never been “not nice”. However, I am finished with her. No invite to our house this year for the second annual halloween party at our home, no invite to Thanksgiving and she is furious. On facebook recently, when I replied to a thread her daughter-in-law started, she commented: “M – I have been wanting to say this to you since I first met you,”shut up” ” This was totally uncalled for and I received many private messages from the d-i-l’s family/friends saying that what the X said was inappropriate and that my reply to the d-i-l was supportive. What the X really wants is for me to leave town so her life can resume as it was before I arrived… but I am going no where.

    Something else I might add is that during the past 2 years her behavior, when around us, has become passive aggressive. It started with her just about flying off her stool to rush into his arms for a big hug. He hugs everyone. Then it proceeded to poking him in the belly or flicking at him with her thumb and forefinger and bobbling her head back and forth. The last time we saw her 6 months ago… she snuck up on him from the side, bent down (he was sitting) and kissed him on the mouth. I think that qualifies as purely aggressive!! lol We have decided to tell her, together, that her behavior is in appropriate and disrespectful to us as a couple. I have mentioned to him that his body language has to now say more… as in no smile for her and crossed arms and even backing up and saying “what are you doing?”. He loves his boys and doesn’t want to make waves — but enough is enough.

    The good thing for us is that our children are adults now and we all get along very well. They are good to her and respectful. They do, however have her number… she is jealous.

    I agree with Sarah, stay far away from toxic people. “Toxic people will never change, they will only try and bring everyone else around down with them.” I will still have to see the X and his sisters at some family functions but we are not responsible for the X’s happiness or her social calenda or holiday agenda. Amen. Whew. Do I feel better!!!

  60. Agree that everyone seems to be making the ex and the new women the problems, when most of the time it’s the husband not stepping up and making boundaries for everyone involved. It is not always a toxic ex wife or toxic new partner, just the fact that there seems to be no boundaries between the adults.
    The children are used between all for information, spying and retaliation of love ! They are the ones torn between this all and must find it confusing.
    I was a teenager when my parents split, and sided with my mother, but I was wrong, my mothers hatred to new partner was total jealously of wondering why my dad left her, when she loved him so much.
    It is not until now that I see my dad is happy and loves his second wife and I have moved on myself from my mother’s point of view and have made my own over the years of this woman.
    I now am in the same situation where I have a new partner with an ex and 3 daughters, the ex has done nothing but has had drama after drama and emotionally influenced the girls on us as a couple. She has turned them on their own father and made it that there are no visitations to us at all. Only their dad visiting them when it suits her and the girls.
    I now have the feeling that there are 3 more girls in this world that feel like I did when younger and that they will grow up and realise that mum was wrong, not in all ways, but to play the game of emotional blackmail on children against their dad’s happiness.
    To all, I ask of ex wives and new partners and dads, please don’t play games, be very truthful to each other and especially your children, you are the adults, so whatever your choices in life are, do not use your children to climb the ladder of love. Because there isn’t one. Love is not earnt or required to be biological, it is just there because you all care for the same cause, which is everyone’s happiness and that the children are the happiest they can be in all the mess created by parents.
    I do not have the best relationship or any really with my partners ex, as that is how she wants it, she has daily contact with my partner, which is something I don’t like, but I am learning to live with it, as sometimes people can not live together, but they can’t say goodbye either.
    Love is pain no matter what kind of love you have ! I have tried to find true love and a trusting one and that’s all I can do, so I just have to see if my new partner can cope with us all and give me the love back I deserve. If not, then it’s my decision to walk away from something I can’t live with, it’s not about the ex or his kids, it’s about how each person can deal with things and learn to live a life with those guidelines, one way or the other !
    I am hoping for the best for myself and wish everyone could see that everyone has something in common with defactor, new husbands/wives or their ex’s and that is CHILDREN…. nothing else just their happiness first.

  61. I actually spent the last 12 years being her friend, letting her get to know me, inviting her into our home, including her in family events. What I have learned though is that when it comes to toxic people, it is best to keep them far away. Focus on your relationship with the kids and not the “mom”. After all the work put into this emotinally draining relationship, nothing has come of it other than headaches, heartaches, stress and currently a bad relationship with my eldest stepchild. My advise, don’t kiss her butt and do your best to keep her out of your home and at a very long arms length!!! Toxic people will never change, they will only try and bring everyone else around down with them.

  62. Well the topic is toxic ex wife..not toxic ex husband. Everyone has a different senario. My personal dealings are with a manipulative ex wife. My husband does his best he’s a good man. Having kids makes it difficult because they love there Mother or course she has custody of course so they are torn in the middle. Plus living interstate makes it harder for them and dad. But she has them gather personal info about us. If we do anything its like she has to compete and be better..she had made it quite clear she was not getting married ever again and her new partner agreed..then once we did 12 mths later they did. When we moved house his daughter said mum wanted to know if we were renting or buying and wanted photos of the house to show her. We have made plans to buy a house in the next few years and his daughter said Mum is planning to move to a nicer place in 12 mths too. This was after his daughter heard us disscussing it. Years ago when she would call to speak to them when visiting us, I caught a conversation where things were being discussed and shared like “No yes answers the whole conversation like talking in code!And his daughter had a very serious facial expression the most of the conversation. Kids are not meant to be spys for the mother. What is going on? But if the kids go through anything troubling at home its all secrets. My husband cant know any fine details about them to help them be there as a DAD. My husband when talking to his 11 yr old daughter about personal things she might be struggling with,if it gets too deep or detailed.. she says Im not aloud to say more Daddy. I just get the feeling she is competing with my husband I dont understand why as he is a good father. He really tries his hardest to put the kids 1st for the sake of love and nothing more.
    Anyway its all about being kind to the kids as they are stuck in the middle. But some days its so hard. I just cry to let out the frustration. Must be hard on my husband thats for sure.

  63. Liked the article and the other comments. I can only say that my husbands’ ex-wife ended up being a handful. For several years I tried to be kind; but I made a serious mistake after she wrote some letters to me to reply back to her. My husband passed away in 2003 and though the ex-wife didn’t travel to where we live in another state, the children from the first marriage did come. My husband said before he died that he didn’t want his oldest son to be told that he was terminally ill and he didn’t want us to allow him to attend the funeral. Well, I asked him to reconsider his request even though the son coming to the funeral was going to cause some problems. He was told that his father had passed away and he came to the funeral. Nothing bad happened at the funeral; but he did get my youngest daughter to slip him one of our laptop computers – so he did disrupt our household a little bit; but at least we allowed him to attend the funeral.

    Being a stepparent is great. I would have loved it even more had my husband been able to break down the barriers and get his ex-wife to be more open.

    My story is water over the dam now; but believe it or not, I still hear stories every now and then that the ex-wife criticizes me. I guess it is just some peoples nature to pick others apart. Her picking me apart though, didn’t help the step-kids respect me. I did the best I could.

  64. Is this where I would go to share my story and seek advise? I have a semi strange situation, that seems almost impossible to settle no matter how hard I try. I just want my step son to be left out of it, and she keeps pulling him in as a “bargining tool” as u will. I’ve tried everything to keep the peace.. and now I’m at all loss. Where do I go for advise?

  65. My husband divorced over 8 years ago. However remains partners in a business with the ex. We were married 2 yrs ago. For some reason she has never liked me or treated me with respect. I have no problem with e-mails and phone calls pertaining to the business they own. But, she always seems to put personal information in. For instance, that she had a nice week end, or asked him to say hello to his cousins. In addition, its not just an occasional e-mail. I have seen 15 emails in one day each with a single topic. And they come in within minutes of each other. Also she used to text everyday until my husband told her she needs to just put it in email form. And there are phone calls about things that don’t need an immidiate answer! She attends his families events and takes over the place. I once invited her over so that she could celebrate my husbands mothers birthday (His mother had lived with us toward the end of her life)When the ex arrived she did not say hello, would not look at me. She has spread rumors about me and recently criticized a dress I wore to their daughter’s wedding, saying it was white when in fact it was off white with a floral pattern. She is in a sorority with a bunch of other gossipy women in a small town and apparently I am still a hot topic. Everything she says is backed up by their 28 year old only daughter who also never liked me. My husband has repeatedly told the ex to keep it business and to stay out of our personal life. She is either really slow or is doing it on purpose. I was thinking of writing to her but someone told me not to put anything in writing as she will find some way to use it against me. I try not to let it bother me but it’s just really frustrating. My husband and I are wonderful together! Very Happy, but this is probably the only thing that bothers us. I dont want to be rude to her but I don’t know how else to get our point across! Should I write her?

  66. For Elizabeth…. I think that there is only so much you can do. If she doesn’t want to meet with you then maybe she is intimidated by you? She may just be closed minded. Just say hello, and smile. You can’t change someone else’s behavior. Maybe she will come around. Best wishes to you.

  67. I think this is a good article. I don’t agree with the powerless comment. It’s really all in how you view it. Think of this as a tip to almost giving you the upper hand. Most people have a positive side. Soceity can tend to focus on the negativity of a person. I am a woman and my friends and I have picked apart another persons flaws before. It’s not right, yet it does happen. I think its a process of rethinking. Why not make things easier? Why not have less stress on your new marriage and with the kids? It makes sense. It doesn’t at all mean that your opinion shouldn’t count or that you don’t have the right to speak up on an issue. Being honest is best. Learning to extend the hand and be the better person can be hard, but it is worth a chance, isn’t it?

  68. What if you have tried multiple times to meet with the ex and she won’t meet with you?

  69. On the contrary, I think the new wives are very powerful…but they need to figure out the best way to cope with their husband’s toxic ex-wives! The trick is finding the right trick. I don’t think an article on coping with ex-wives can cover all the possible options…but it is a starting point.

    I’m glad to hear from an ex-wife. I should write an article on coping with toxic new wives, shouldn’t I?

  70. Why the x wife, sounds a little bitter in it self. Also sounds like the new wife is tip toeing around the husband. My ex husband was a player and has been spiteful twisted to me, his new partner seems nice, my resentment does not lie with his partner god help her, its with him. I think you need to work on this article, your making the man seem powerful and the women are in the wrong

  71. I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together nearly two years. He has been divorced about 12 years, he and his ex have no children. Recently I found out that my bf son has continued to be in communication with his ex step mom. She has paid for them to go on a trip together along with his young child. My bf does not like it but he won’t do anything about it. He says he will speak to his son but he hasn’t yet. He says he is angry at his ex-wife and that she should move on with her life but he hasn’t spoken to her about the situation. I asked him if he thought something was going on between them and he said he thinks about it all the time. What am I supposed to do with this situation. I was pretty depressed about it and kind of sick of the whole thing. He and his son communicate in a weird way and they do things to make each other angry. They really don’t understand each other at all. I’ve never seen such painful interaction. I really feel like walking away from the whole thing. Any advice?

  72. I’m in a different-ish situation. I am step mom to 2 kids who were orchestrated by my new husband’s ex wife. My husband was forced to marry her because she told him she was taking the pill, after he went back to her a couple months after her faking a suicide in response to his breaking up with her. He was in a job situation at the time that would not have worked for him had he “gotten her pregnant” and not married her. While the kids were both breast-feeding, she made him get up to get them all night, which makes me see the kids solely as accessories for her corporate-climbing life.

    After marrying her, she spent all, yes all, of his salary and pre-marital savings through the 5-6 years of “normal” marriage (before she began cheating on him), and her salary, while she saved money she did not divulge in the divorce proceedings. She’s always been trouble, so he knew he was paying her off to make it easy on himself.

    They had troubles from the beginning, and after she forced him to sell their first house which he loved and was near his work, they moved to a house close to her work while she forced him to be home early every day to cook for the kids. A year after that, she began an affair with her boss. They hid everything from my husband, and from his (her boss’) wife (nice, right? Both married with kids). She teaches the kids to fight, lie, and manipulate situations. I’ve seen the daughter paint a bruise on her cheek and claim she was hurt. She also lies very frequently. The kids criticize each other, and tell me “well, mom does it,” and I tell them they have a choice with every action and word they execute, and it’s nicer to be nice to people, just as they feel good receiving.

    She tells me to be flexible, yet will not give my husband or I an inch since we married (only 5 months ago), whether asking for a half an hour earlier to drop off the kids the day after we married to hang out a bit before he had to leave town for work, or to drop the kids off an hour early so he could come to a concert with me. She wins, every single time. I have tried to ask him to put things to her in kind, fair ways to ask for time requests from her, he is always hesitant to do so.

    Finally recently, I chimed in, and saw why. All she could do in response was to lie and waffle, refusing to give me/us that hour for the concert. Her lies happen in a psychopathic/sociopathic manner, without reason except that she needs to be in control. She is unable to give. I am afraid of who she is, moreover, who she is raising her kids, now my step-kids to be. I am also overwhelmed being in what I feel like are voiceless shoes, yet trying to do my best at cooking/providing for the family, and to give the kids a good example to follow, as well as to learn how to deal with these psychopathic lies and manipulations. I end up actually feeling sorry, even, for her new husband, due to things we hear from the kids about their fighting, thinking she’s doing the same thing to him, and taking all of his money too, while relying on my husbands’ parents money, something she’s referred to over and over again, to my husband, and to her kids, and to her new husband, while she herself is making 50% more income than my husband. She is way scary. And I need to learn to “manage” her.

    I’ve tried to get close with the kids, have found some activities they seem to love doing with me, and we get excuses from her taking the kids out of custody arrangements to go to appointments she claims are only open on those times, just coincidentally the same times I have plans with them. As many comments here, one would think a mom would instead relish her kids having a good time with (versus hating) the step mom, and encourage that, not lie and manipulate situations to block the bond. She is a nightmare, and… I just need to learn how to deal with her psychology issues.

    Your book looks like it may be a good help. Thank you so much for this spot to… see others in this absurd situation, and for writing to help situations like this.

  73. Well I thought I would stick my two pennies worth in! I am the cliche much younger girlfriend that my partner. He left his wife last year, the divorce is yet to be started, however he did not leave her for me, despite her thoughts otherwise, which is course have been made very clear.

    After some months, I have come to the conclusion that I will never be accepted as my partners new girlfriend, and actually it doesn’t matter how old I am, she is bitter about the separation and that isn’t going to change.

    I received several emails, texts messages via the children from her, all of which I have NEVER responded to. She now doesn’t bother. I keep out of her way, and although she still calls me all kinds to my partner, there are no major problems. Occasionally she seems to pipe up with some issue regarding the kids, putting me first….blah blah. We know better, and we also know that the kids are very happy.

    Our/my issue is that I can’t get them to talk sensibly to each other. All they do when on the phone trying to talk about the kids is shout, scream and swear at each other (usually brought on by some comment about me being a ‘slut’) I can half control my partner if I’m in the room but doing ‘calm down’ hand movements to get him to come down off the ceiling. She however is very bitter and can’t help insetting some dig about the kids being unhappy because he ran off with a younger woman. When actually, the kids are unhappy because mum and dad don’t talk. But that doesn’t seem to sink in.

    How can I ge them to talk to each other without ripping their heads off?! We have tried the ‘let’s try and sort this out’ email, but she just says that he shouldn’t have left in the first place. Not helpful.

    I would not be successful in contacting her and she is still very bitter and according to her thoughts, the reason for their marriage to end (very not true!) so attempting to tell her that good communication would be good for her kids…..not going to go down well, especially as I have none of my own so I ‘can’t comment’.

    Any advice would be useful!!!!

  74. BOY THIS IS A SUBJECT I CAN RELATE TO. MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TEN YEARS AND HIS X WIFE NEVER MISSES A CHANCE TO SLAM ME ON FACEBOOK, WITH HIS SON, AND NOW WITH HER NEW DAUGHTER IN LAW. SHE HAS CALLED ME HURTFUL MEAN NAMES AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO COMMENT AT ALL. THE ONE TIME I DID COMMENT, COMING TO THE DEFENSE OF OUR NEW DAUGHTER IN LAW I SOME HOW ENDED UP THE BAD PERSON. I WAS TOLD I WAS TRYING TO START SOMETHING WITH HER. I TOO FEEL LIKE A DOOR MATT AND I FEEL LIKE I AM LEFT OUT. IT IS CAUSING PROBLEMS IN MY MARRIAGE AND ALTHOUGH I TOO AM STRONG I AM BEAT DOWN. I KNOW THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTS BUT IT IS HARD WHEN EVEN YOUR HUSBAND SEEMS TO BE TAKING SIDES. I FEEL LIKE A STRANGER AND THANK GOD FOR MY CHILDREN WHO DO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY CAN SEE WHAT MY HUSBAND CAN NOT. SHE SOMEHOW HAS CHANGED OUR DAUGHTER IN LAWS FEELINGS TOWARD ME AS WELL AS MY STEP SON WHO I THOUGHT I GOT ALONG WITH FINE. YOU CAN ONLY BE NICE FOR SO LONG. I’M THINKING SINGLE AGAIN LOOKS PRETTY GOOD.

  75. It sounds like you all could use some cheering up. We use Our Family Wizard to discuss parenting arrangements and schedules when you have shared custody. Helps cut down on a lot of BS. For those of you where your husband/partner/boyfriend are still communicating with the ex. There are some major boundary issues. I would really consider that you have been WAY too tolerant and it is time you put your foot down. Sending old wedding pictures, slamming you on facebook or myspace, come on get real. Block her why does she have access to your stuff anyway, unless you want her to and are rubbing it in her face. They should not have access to your personal space AT ALL. As far as the children are concerned, they can see what is going on. They love their parents and you too. They are caught in the middle of all of the garbage. Just imagine how you would feel if it was your parents fighting like this. If they don’t get along just leave each other alone, that simple. Be courteous and considerate and just avoid any confrontation. Walk away. NEVER let the kids see the garbage. They don’t need to be involved in this AT ALL. If their Mother is involving them in the fights, or their Father, they are toxic and this is only going to hurt the kids in the long run. Let them sort it out themselves. You can listen but don’t say anything about the parents. The kids will eventually have their own lives and won’t have time for all the fighting and nonsense. Trust me. They will eventually get very sick of it. Don’t take a side, it just causes them to have attitude towards you or blame you in some way. Stay out of it, in actuallity it is their problem. Like it or not those are their parents. My parents have been married over 50 years and are still fighting. I just don’t take a side anymore. You get my point. I listen and don’t get involved or I just say “gotta go the kids need me” works every time. If someone is making things up about you “seriously” how high school. The truth always comes out in the end. Liars always get found out. Besides if she is lieing about you she has probably lied about other things too. Nobody can make up lies about you and force the children to go along with it. I would give up on anyone who doesn’t stand up for you. If he is sucking up to his ex while she is trying to blame you for sexual abuse he is extremely selfish and what is this saying to his children? Run for your life from both of them. They are an extremely toxic family. If he doesn’t talk to the police and to his lawyer about what his ex is putting you through then God help him, never mind you. He is the Father of those children and sounds like a very weak and confused man indeed. You are going to go through living hell. Therapy, mediation, patience, a good lawyer, stamina and lot’s of love and belief in the right thing. That is how you make it work. Don’t let his ex win. If you have to leave for yourself then that is what you have to do. They are not divorced yet. Wait until the divorce is final. Then I would say you have a chance. Get married and DO NOT let her push you around no matter what. In your home you are the Mother. You and your husband make the rules. She has no say and her power only exists in her own home. You make your own rules together in yours. You set the boundaries. The bottom line is you have to be happy. Don’t lie to yourself and be honest about what you want. Tell him how you feel and work together to come up with a plan that works for you. Don’t be afraid to say what you want.

  76. WOW! It is deplorable how these ex’s behave. I have only been with my bf for less than 2 months. I love him soooo much. He has 2 beautiful kids. He is separated and in the middle of a divorce. She does not want a divorce. She is very adamant about how much money she should get from him. She uses his kids to manipulate him. He happens to be one of the few men who love his kids very much and is broken if he is not able to see them. It breaks my heart to see him that way. He tries to stay happy around me but I know how he feels. She fights to control him and uses GOD as her motivation! I believe in God but I would never use the lords name to justify evil actions.

    To make matters worse, her daughter spent a weekend with her father and I was with them the entire time. To make a long story short, his ex filed a false police report that I touched her daughter!!!!! I am currently waiting to see if charges will be filed against me. One charge is worth a minimum of 25 years to life!!! How can someone be so wicked????? Can someone explain this? I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy (and I dont have enemies!)

    I am lost for words. I am concerned for her daughter who has to endure an invasive examination by a doctor because of all of this. What will her mother subject her to next? He was forced to tell his ex that I am no longer in the picture so as a result she opened up communication with him again and he can see his kids again. I have been praying for her, her daughter, his son and myself.

    I know where I want my relationship with him to go but this is a real test for us both. She is pretty much making him choose btwn me and his kids. Which really means choosing btwn her and me. This is so insane!!! He will need to be strong because after this attempt comes more , and more, and more attacks, accusations, whatever works for her! Anyone who takes these lengths you cannot under-estimate. I told him not to tell her about me but he was being naive and sweet (and maybe a little show off, who knows?) so he told her about me 1 month in. Then after that he allowed me to meet his daughter. Obviously this did not sit well with her and she decided to show her wrath.

    Her soon to be ex-husband is divorcing her, he is happily moving on, her daughter loves the new girlfriend and she couldn’t find anything tangible to criticize so SHE CREATED ONE. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME.

  77. Its the mens fault, all us women bi***ing and fighting over them, grow up girls the husband is the cause of the problem. They should be taking responsiblity to stop their new partner from causing trouble with the MUM of their children, I do not blame exwives being angry, its not really aimed at the new partner its really at their useless exhusband. Believe me men love women fighting over them it boosts their ego, the men are manipulative not the women, my expartner is getting remarried, he was hoping I would fight with his new wife to be, but sorry no I will not, I have invited her to have coffee with me offered friendship and hope we can all get on for the childrens sake, exhusband is very disappointed that I am happy to be friends with her and I feel he is causing the trouble.

    On the other hand his new partner is not happy to be friends with me she is playing the childish game of trying to win my childrens love,loyalty and make a new little family pushing me out in other words and showing no respect that I have been a mother for 33 years, case of toxic new wife.

    Shes welcome if she can do a better job then me good luck. My children are grownup I have two granddaughters she is trying to take over, gets upset if I’m there seeing mychildren and grandchildren, its ludicrous, considering she has bolted from her own three children 12,000 miles away, and guess what my exhusband does not stop her behaving badly blames me for it and takes her side. Its a no win situation. So blame the men they are gutless and afraid of both wives ex and new its mostly their fault the family breaks up. Should write a book about toxic ex husbands and leave the exwife alone.

  78. Dear Adele
    I still worry my husbsnd’s ex will try and take me out. I worry that she will do something to my children (that I have with her ex husband). There are some real fruit cakes out there – always watch your back….
    L

  79. I have been married to my husband for 9 yrs now. When I met him his son was 9 yrs old. I didn’t know what I was getting into either because I never dated a man with a child before. After we started dating his ex found out. She came over one day unanounced and walked in the house through the garage. I found out later that she still had a door key to the front door and was coming over to pay his bills and to visit her son during the week. I think that is wrong. Anyway as it went she hated me, called me names, would make calls during the night to my soon to be husband and really talk bad about me to her son. She threaten suicide twice when we were dating. Now her son is in the Army. She is on facebook daily. She has sent me a friend request again. Two months ago she humilated me by sending me a email regarding a picture of her son that was given to us by him, stating it belonged to her and that I should not post it on fb. She also proceeded to tell me I should stick to raising dogs, because I am not a fit human to raise kids. I chose not to have childern. Anyway before that email we were civil to each other. Now I believe she is at it again. She is baiting me and wanting a chance to humilate me again. This time I am not going to fall for it again. Enough is Enough with her. She is toxic. She is a real bitch and thinks to highly of herself. She puts on a facade on facebook like she is a good mother. It’s make me so mad. I know her for what and who she really is. I feel so hateful toward this female. So that is my story. To this day her and I can never enjoy each others company.

  80. JP – I am from Australia – here you need to have court orders drawn up,stating all pick ups (weekends/holidays etc…)- A judge would rule it fair to share the travel (ie pick up half way, or one parent do each leg of a trip)

  81. My husbands ex is a nightmare. She is about to be married for the 4th time, and with each husband she has successfully spent all of their money. My husband has been to hell and back. The kids have been so brainwashed. She moved 100’s of times (dozens of schools), lived hours away, and played stupid mind games. We’ve just put up with her antics, because unless you’re cashed up to hire a lawyer, there’s nothing you can do legally to stop the situtaion. My husband just tried to be in the kids life as much as possible.

    The kids have now grown up. The eldest came and lived with us for the last 2 years of school and did exceptionally well. This child still has issues through how they were raised, but we were unable to fix everything. The other child is doing ok and visits us regurlary.

    There’s not much you can do except be there for your kids and be a positive role model –

    Jp – the driving is crazy!!! You coudnt put the kids through a 4 hour drive every weekend. You’d have to do it on school holidays where they can stay with you for weeks. As for the involvement with the family, thats out-and-out weird! And why did they break up anyway – can’t they see they she has hurt your boyfriend by relocating his children? I’m sorry – I love my job, but if I was broken up with my husband I would want him to be nearby to take up his part of the parenting role AND to have a father in their lives (especially if he wanted to be) – I hope you love your boyfriend because I’ve been through 12 years of a nightmare ex wife, and believe you me – there is some crap to deal with at times! If it’s not true love forever, leave now and find someone with no kids!

  82. I need some help on guidance from people who have experienced this…

    My boyfriends has two children with his ex-wife. The divorce was pretty simple and things with this kids have been simple. Nothing is in paperwork with the kids. The children live with their mother in a state approx 4 hours away. The mother moved due to her work. Boyfriend pays more in child support then what is actually required, made schedule to see children everyother weekend, involved with teachers and daycare. Phone calls children everyother day. Tries his best to be involved.

    We are just starting to get over the hump of him “avoiding conflict” with the ex because he does not want to deal with her.

    The problem is that she is highly invovled with his family. She sees his parents probably 4 times a week and his grandparents a little less. They have dinner, go places, sleep over eachothers places…His family states they are only involved with her to see the grandkids. Will this eventually go away? I guess it could be jealously on my part but it just bothers him and I that she is so invovled. It is great that the relationship is still there and his parents help her a lot w child transportation to school….often on the weekends that they aren’t with him they are with grandparents. It is almost like a representation of him without him there. He has tried to talk to the family about it and they agree to try to do less with her but its almost like it is increasing. We will not speak of the issue with his mother anymore because it is almost like she is playing both sides of the fence. The question has been asked if maybe she is so invovled because it bothers him?

    In addition, how do some work out the distance? His parents and brother have offered to drive the kids half way at a meeting point to him. He is in the military 4 hours away as I stated eariler. He asked her recently if on occation she would help drive 2 hours for drop off. She stated that she refuses, that it is not her problem. Is she right?? I can’t seem to find any information on this. She states that he is not respectful to her, though he only speaks to her about the kids— he is not sure if its because he has asked for seperate holidays?? he asked her what he did that was so disrepectful but she did not answer the question.

    Any help with these issues? ↑

  83. wow, there are alot of interesting stories on here. I would never wish a toxic ex on anyone but guess it feels good to know im not alone and im sure we can always one up each other lol. I am very in love with my husband, we have been married five years now. I knew he had kids and was married before but really didnt know what i was getting into. I guess every family has their problems but this goes pretty deep. His ex was rude and hateful from the beginning. About a month after my husband proposed i got pregnant, i miscarried a month later. i have known ppl that miscarried but never realized just how horrible it was to lose a life that was inside you. It was awful and painful, emotionally and physically. to top it off the ex told the kids and everyone she knew that i faked being pregnant so that he would marry me, despite 3 positive tests and him being in the room when i had to have the dnc. she even made the comment to me that it was awfully funny that we got married then suddenly theres no baby, again insinuating that i faked it. (Ok tho..i got pregnant again shortly after and we have a beautiful 5yr old gir) anyway, I sure didnt see anything funny about it! She also told the kids that he cheated on her with me and that i was the reason for the divorce even tho i didnt actually know him til a year after they were divorced. met him once briefly many years before when i dated a co worker of his. Thier marriage ended very badly and was an unhappy one. she was a stay at home mom as i am but would fill out the pre approved credit card apps that came in the mail using his info. ran up 100s of thousands of dollars in cc debt that he didnt know about til they got sued. my husband has always worked very hard and did well for his family. He lost everything he had worked for and once she made sure he didnt have a pot to piss in left him for her 3rd cousin!! They fought alot in their marriage because of her family. Her step father “the kids grandpa” molested her as a child and young teen which she told my husband about. He did not want the kids around him of course but she constantly insisted they should spend time with the grandparents, it caused serious heated fights, And of course to no surprise he molested both of their children which we just found out about around 2yrs ago, now we are picking up the pieces and she has nothing to do with her kids. One is in college and hasnt lived with her for almost 3yrs and one is here with us now for 3yrs that is 16 and has some very serious issues. we moved 1,000 miles away to put some distance between us, her, and her sick family but no matter what over the years she does what she can to cause not just us but her kids problems. i really couldnt begin to tell you the half of it, of course in the beginning encouraging the kids to be rude to me, call me bad names, encouraging them not to come to our home things like that. That ended tho once they got a little older and were able to make up thier own minds and think for themselves. Her latest stunt was to claim the child we have in our home and have custody of on her taxes. Our filing was rejected so i had to spend hours gathering documents..div papers, school records, etc and re submit it. took about half my day. we wont be getting a refund but without claiming him would have to pay in a pretty good chunk of change while she would get a hefty refund by claiming a child she hasnt even had for visitation in 2yrs and does not support in anyway, financially or emotionally. I know legally we are in the right and will come out on top so i not worried about that, its just the point. i just see it as another form of harassment. we had been married for almost 2yrs and had moved twice but prior to moving out of state had a big yard/moving sale. I went to the store to get drinks for the kids, they were helping and it was hot. she called one while was in the car and by the time i got back she was on the phone with my husband and he was yelling. she was insisting that we give her half our yard sale money! cant understand where she gets her twisted sense of entitlement. There are no support issues, he always stayed current when she had custody them. which she gave up willingly, we didnt ask for it, she just didnt wanna deal with her kids anymore. all i know is that its constant drama.. she doesnt want or care about her kids so dont understand why she just doesnt leave everyone alone.its to much to even tell but its been five years now and she is on her 3rd marriage 5th total but wont stop her antics. I just want to be happy and enjoy my family and the husband im still very much in love with without all the issues and drama steming from his first marriage. I am not convinced it will ever end.Its like a dark cloud hanging over us. this woman is evil! she doesnt want to see anyone happy including her own kids. I have tried everything..being nice and all that but this woman makes it impossible and her bitterness only really damages 2 ppl. her kids. its very sad. I know one thing..once the 16yr old turns 18 and we dont legally have to keep contact with her we plan to change our adress, phone numbers,etc and she will not be allowed to have them! considering she gives her bill collectors our phone numbers and even has mail sent to our address with her name on it. she has never lived in this state or at this address and has had 3 dif last names since the divorce but claims she just doesnt know how that could happen! she does it on purpose just because she is crazy!!! anyway, i am at my wits end and see no end in sight. any advice for not just dealing with a toxic ex but a totally crazy one???

  84. that is certainly quite interesting. It presented me a few ideas and I’ll possibly be writing them on my internet site soon. I’m bookmarking your site and I’ll be returning. Thank you again!

  85. You can’t do anything to change your husband’s toxic ex-wife…but you CAN control your own behavior and attitude and mood. I know it sounds trite and hokey, but it’s true. The hardest and yet the simplest thing to do is focus on what you can change, which is yourself and your environment.

  86. Hi…I can really sympathize with your situation with the ex. There are a couple of things that can be done, depending on your state. Check the laws about recording phone calls. In VA, it is legal to record someone on the phone so long as one party knows the call is being recorded and that simply means if you know you are recording the call no one else need know. Record the calls the ex makes and take her to court for harassment. Have the secretary screen calls at hubby’s work and he is unavailable to take calls, ever from her. Or simply have your husband record (write down) the number of times she calls and a short note about what the call was regarding. Take her to court to show a record of harassment.
    My concern here are the children. If you and your husband sue for sole custody of the girls, that is one less reason for you and your husband to have nothing to do with this person. There sounds like there is a pattern of abuse that can be proven to the courts with ER records and her refusal to follow physician orders. Allowing the girls to stay with this person, makes you and your husband culpable to the abuse the kids are being exposed to. Show the court her refusal to get the child the care that she needs.
    When she texts, e-mails etc. delete immediately. Do not read, it will only tempt you or your husband to answer.
    Have you alerted the insurance company or anyone else that this woman is imitating you? That is a form of identity theft. Call companies you have a concern with and set up a four-digit code known only to you and the company. Record dates when information has been changed and get the names of the company spokespeople she has talked with and you talk with.
    Record everything this person does, include any monetary damages, such as, the cost of getting new insurance. Take the information to court and sue her.
    It sounds like, you have acquiesced power to her and that is a definite mistake. Let her know in no uncertain terms her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. And then follow through.

  87. Hi Everyone!
    Its actually really helpful to read everyone’s posts about ex wives. I’m having a terrible problem with my husband’s ex wife, Dawn. She defines toxic.
    I’ve been married to my husband for seven years this June 2011. In those 7 years, Dawn has filed 4 Temporary restraining order’s (all of which she dropped ) had my husband sent to jail saying he threatened her (then dropped it completely and was fined for filing a false police report ). She called child protective services saying my husband smacked his kids, which she later also admitted she was mad, so that was dropped. She’s called me at work pretending to be ny kids daycare teacher, saying my kid fell of playground equipment and was badly hurt..only to call my husband telling him it was just a ploy to “get back @ me”. I could go on and on. Then for about 3 years she dropped off the face of tge earth. Only to return married, 2 more additional kids ( her & my husband have 2 girls together who are 13 & 9), living with the new husband’s parents and grandmother
    Now, she’s back! Calling, emailing, having us meet her @ the ER b/c the 13 year old is “flipping out”. In 3 weeks we had to meet her @ the ER 4 times in 3 weeks. Yet, she never follows up with therapy for the kid, despite the dr and hospitals recomindations. She texts, emails, calls my husband every day at work (never at home b/c she knows I’ll call her out on her BS..The new husband complains about her constantly which is also why she only calls during work hours.
    Here’s my dilemma ..This woman scares the s**t out of me! She’s always up to no good. She has zero friends, she call’s the cop’s on everyone she gets mad at. I don’t believe for a second that she won’t cause me legal trouble in the future, she calls my insurance company and pretends to be me she can “change things around “!Basically this chick is a nutcase…and causes a lot of trouble constantly. But then just forgets she ever did…
    any suggestions???

  88. Congratulations Stevee – you are correct just send the positive message out there ! It does work. Thank you your email reminded me, i control how i feel and i can send positive messages and they will get returned. Drown the ex toxins with kindness ! Brilliant thank you for the reminder. Be happy in your life and that would be better than any legal battle! Love and live !! and smile. May be all the second wives in the world could send postive messages to help the second Wives every where. These toxic ex’s cant rule our lives !!!!!

  89. I think I top everyone’s Toxic Ex. My husband left her over 20 years ago – not for me – he just left her. We hooked up 17 years ago and she blames me – telling all the relatives that we were seeing each while they were married. After we got married, 14 years ago, she has launched a campaign against me with her daughter and told everyone that I took her husband and I am a crack head. Now all of my husbands relatives are not speaking to me because of her because she has told them that I have been harassing her. To make matters worse, my husband started being mean to me because of the skank and he has been talking to her on the phone and she has told him to not listen to me when I tell him stories or issues about my mother or brother. My husband’s children are grown but are still being controlled by her. She will not allow them to have thankgiving or xmas with us or any other holiday. So, he kisses her ass all the time just to speak to them and see them once in a while. I have told him that he has given her power by going along with her control but its useless. He keeps trying to get her approval just to see and speak to his grown kids. I am so sick of it – don’t know what to do. Wht bothers me most is – he listens to the witch and refuses to comment on my issues about my mom and brother if I bring it up because she has told him that it is none of his business. I recently called her and told her – how dare you tell MY HUSBAND what to do concerning my family? She has crossed the line but so has he listening to that skeezer. I have told him that she is jealous, a low life, has no morals, values or grace. She has gone so far as to tell the grand kids not to speak to me if they call my house. What do I do? Looking online to find someway to sue her for harassment or stalking or both. I keep telling my husband that she is jealous and wants him back but he thinks that kissing her ass will get his three to see him and like him. Its ignorant and stupid for anyone to listen to her but they have.

    One way I have come to get the upper hand it to wish her well, with love, respect, peace, prosperity and forgiveness – and then I her that she has taught her family negativity and abused and disrespected the grands by telling them to diss me. YOu don’t actually tell her in person, by phone or by email – you think it over and over again – and it works. If you think negative thoughts – they hear it and react negative. If you think positive thoughts and wish love, peace, forgiveness – they feel bad and actually stop their stupid, jealous behavior. Somehow it makes them hate what they have done. Furthermore, you can make the wish globally, worldwide and announce it to the entire family and they will all hear you. All this is said to yourself of course and the positive thoughts of love, peace, forgiveness,properity, etc. actually work. Send uplifting thoughts and prayers to the toxic ex as well and tell her what she is doing wrong and tell her what she shold be doing in a positive way and things basically start to change.

    That is the only thing I cn do right now until I find a legal way to end it.

  90. Oh someone give me some advice I have a doosy of all doosy. My husband and i are very happy. I have had contact with his children I have never met his ex. I dont know her only witnessed the pain of her children. The Ex is crucifying my ex which we can actually deal with, it is the pain and isolation it causes his children. How do you deal with this toxic person. I can not keep my distance anymore. His daughter now lives with us and the mother is constantly berating her. I have heard her swearing to her daughter over the phone how does a mother do this to her own flesh and blood. She manipulates the two younger boys to the point where it is unbearable for them to see their father. One has not seen his dad for months and has been in trouble with the law the mother is not helping encouraging tattoos as she has them encouraging drinking under age realtions in her house. It is sad but there seems nothing we can do. Texting her to asking her where the son in trouble with the law is she told my hubby its none of his business. i have heard phone conversation and seen texts where she completely manipulates the truth her teenage sons do hear this. They are not worldly enoough to understand there mum is letting them down what do i do as a second wife to help lesson the destruction. I have know children i only have tow pets and i would not treat them at all like i am seeing her treat her children HELP !!

  91. I have been put through hell from my Husband’s crazy Ex-Wife. When we first started our relationship she was constantly trying to interfer in our life. She would call my Husband several times a day. One time she called him nine times. She’d show up at our home, uninvited and when we’d ask her to leave she would not go. She couldn’t accept the fact my Husband was moving on.

    The reason they divorced was because she had several affairs. She would cheat and then tell him vivid details of her sexual encounters. They had two small children and my Husband’s Brother had gone through a nasty divorce. His children were effected. They began using drugs and running away, etc. etc. One of them even ended up in jail. My Husband thought he would do his best to try to keep things on a friendly basis with his Ex, so the children would have a happy childhood. He did not like her and despised the terrible things she had done to him.

    When she was out running around, it was my Husband who took care of the children. He was both a Mother and a Father to them for years. Throughout the years she was never a good Mother, so it was my Husband who gave them the security and love that children need. If it hadn’t been for the love and care my Husband gave those children, I’m not sure what would have happened to them.

    My Husband is truly “one of a kind”. He is the type of guy who always thinks of others before himself, so for years he never addressed the pain she caused in his life. He swept all the pain under a rug and just kept trying to go forward. He’d always want his kids to wake up at his house on Christmas morning and he would even allow his Ex to come over to his house to watch them open their gifts to make things nice for his kids. He’d do joint Birthday parties and other family get togethers with her, again “all for the kids”.

    He never thought that once he found the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with that she would start the trouble she did. In the beginning I had a great relationship with the kids and she did not like that. She felt like I was trying to replace her and has accussed me many times of having had plans to take her children away from her from the very start.

    It was quite the opposite. My children are about 10 years older than my Husband’s and I had no desire to raise children again. As the children felt the love of a real family environment (one they had never had), they started to feel more comfortable. Stories of abuse came out and we found out that she had physically, not to mention emotionally hurt the children on many occassions. Seeing the children had the perception that my Husband and their Mother were friends by the way my Husband had handled things, they had never told my Husband what had been going on their whole lives.

    The children eventually ended up telling us they wanted to live with us. The minute she found this out, his Ex tried to sue my Husband for sole custody. He counter sued for “joint custody” with him being the primary.

    The courts brought in a guadian and it ended up taking 8 months to get to court. Each weekend we had the kids they would tell us things that the Ex was doing, like telling them their Father didn’t love them, etc. etc. By the time court came around, the children told the guardian that they had changed their minds and wanted to stay with their Mother. When we asked the kids what made them change their minds, their voices began to shake so bad that they could hardly talk. The manipulation they had been put through was more than obvious. Seeing the kids ended up with the Ex, their already abusive lives have become even worse.

    My Husbands Daughter was even raped by a family member and the Mother had full knowledge of this and only told the family member that if it happened again she would have him thrown in jail. It ended up happening again and she did absolutely nothing.

    We did not find out about it until we had my Husband’s Daughter on Spring Break and she broke down and told me that she had something to tell me that she should have told me a long time ago. She asked me to tell her Father what had happened.

    My Husband went to Social Services and they dropped the case after investigating saying they didn’t have enough evidence that the Mother had neglected her.

    The family member is not in jail and nothing was ever done to him. I think it was for lack of DNA, because the Mother never took her to be examined.

    We found out recently that she still allows my Husbands Daughter to be around this family member and in his Daughter’s opinion it was “no big deal” because she had a crush on him and it “just happened”. She was 14 and he was almost 22. She is very immature and he took total advantage of her. One day it will hit her and it will hit her hard. He took away her virginity and she will never be able to get that back.

    No matter what we’ve done to try to help the kids, we just run into brick walls. The Ex has gotten the children to absolutely hate me and they often try to break my Husband and I up. They have basically turned into their Mother. The Daughter has no self-respect and the Son can look you right in the face and lie to you (a major problem of the Ex). The children have caused problems in our relationship with my Husbands family because they lie about us and try to make us look like the bad guys.

    We’ve gone to counseling and we’ve tried many things to get the good relationship we once had with them back, with no luck at all. It’s gotten to the point where we almost feel we are better off having no relationship with them then having all this stress in our lives. In the beginning we’d be happy when they came over but now we know their visit will just be a stressful one and we are tired of having so much stress in our lives. We feel that unless the Mother moves far away, nothing will change. Perhaps when the children get older and are away from their Mother’s negative, abusive influence, we will be able to have the Step-Family we have always wanted. Until then we are just trying to figure out what is the best way to handle things. We love the children and always will but we can’t let the fact that their Toxic Mother has now turned them into Toxic Children and we do not want Toxins in our lives. Do you have any suggestions? I’d appreciate your help.

  92. I think it’s a bad idea to try and meet with toxic ex’s and allowing them to know a lot about you. Usually they only want to know you to determine if they can compete with you, and learn information about you to flip it and use it against you. I am a second wife; glad to find comfort in this post but saddend by the fact that there are so many toxic women out there. My husband has to children by his ex wife. This woman is a devil in sheep’s clothing. She even had the nerve to call my husband and tell him how unsatisfied she is sexually with her new boyfriend because his penis size is significantly smaller than my husbands’. She psychologically manupulates her own children. She has her children take my belongings. She even asked her children was I prettier than her. It’s like lady how old are you again? She bad talks me in front of them and constantly brings drama into my marriage with the constant court dates and therapy sessions. It’s like she will do anything just to be around MY husband. I do think that it’s important not to respond to her negative behavior. It’s to the point at which my husband can even stand her as a person anymore. The ironic thing is that her children adore me. As they age hopefully they will be able to block her mental games. I think the most important thing to remember as a second wife is that their relationship ended for a reason, and if your husband was flattered by her toxic tactics then he would be with her but instead he chose you, AND THAT IS WHY SHE IS BITTER !

  93. okay here goes. My husband and his ex wife were together for all together 5 years and married 2 of that. In which time they had a son. My husband and i meet a little over year they were split up and we got married a year after that. She flipped out and tried to get him back when she found out we were getting married. When she was the one who ended the marriage by leaving for another man. Then when she found out i was pregnant she flipped out saying she was taking his son away from him. They have joint custody and everytime she gets mad she is always saying she is taking it to court so he can’t see his son. She has there out burst about every two weeks. I don.t understand why she is this way. When we keep the his son more than she ever has. She is always pushing him off to go to parties and other things. I think she talks bad to me to the son because i would watch him during the day to save them money plus i really enjoy him. And he has been telling her that i’ve spanked him twice now. And which i would not due because he is not my son, but i do use the time out. and so i decided that it would be best not to watch him anymore without my husband there to avoid that. And when my husband told her they would have to find someone else to watch him because i didn’t feel comfortable with it she flipped out again. She gets so mad when we don.t tell her first whats going on in our life. When we found out i was pregnant she told him she should have been the first to know. And on our wedding day she called every hour on the hour. Because she wanted their son back. She is all the time trying to control my husband by using his son against him. We’ve only been married for 3 months and i’m 9 weeks pregnant. And i just can’t take all her drama all the time. It seems she plays a bigger part in our marriage than i do.

  94. What do you do when your ex-husband and his new wife of a very short relationship are both toxic and love to create drama and control situations? She is trying to change everything from court and treats my children like prisoners and slaves while they are there and he lets her? My children are 15, 13, & 9. She even answered the phone the other day when I asked to speak to my children and was totally disrespectful and rude to me. I would never treat my step-children’s mom that way.

  95. I have an incredible situation myself. My boyfriend’s ex has done all of the above, and gone so far as to be naked on multiple occasions when he goes to pick up his daughter.

    All I can do is just sit back, not only do I not have anything to fear about my bf, he’s incredibly dedicated to me, but I am so far above her trashy antics that they barely cause a blip on my radar anymore. My bf is aware that it is up to him to set boundaries, and to create something healthy with her where the people in his world aren’t impacted by her immaturity.

    So ladies, one day at a time, just remember that the ex is simply exhibiting the exact behavior that your new husband (or boyfriend) divorced her for. Applaud when she shows herself to be the fool. It only highlights your class, and his good choice with picking you. :)

  96. Thanks to those who have described their efforts to take the high ground and decided not deal with the high-conflict ex directly – it’s strengthened my resolve.

    Having sought advice from various sources, my husband and I have in place a ‘minimal/low contact approach’. This means we only respond in writing to the ex where matters relate directly to the children. We ignore the provocative remarks etc and keep our responses factual, direct, informative and pleasant.

    It’s no magic wand but has worked well towards minimising the disruption in our lives. Exchanges of the children take place in public where there are witnesses; if nothing else, this sets boundaries (very important) regarding each other’s properties and allows all of us a private life. We document disruptive events for anticipated court dates.

    I hope this guides others as we have been. Good luck.

  97. My husbands ex wife is a nightmare. Me and my husband have known each other for 11 years been together for 2 and been married 7 months. She hated me at first bc he left her for me, she had every right to hate me, but then we started to get along. Se would text me all the time, have me pick the kids up from school [10 and 12] is she was busy, she even wated me to straighten her hair one day b4 a funeral. I just had my 3rd son 6 weeks ago, he is me and my husbands first child together. She would come over to my home and tell me to pack his bag she is taking him and we can have another one but she’s taing this one.! Me being hormonal got very upset bc she didn’t just say it once or twice, she said it 20 times everytime I saw her and I had had enough. I told her to stop trying to steal me baby that she’s upsetting me. Big mistake, she has made my life a living hell. I no longer have a name, I’m referred to as ‘her’ and am told that her kids are none of my business and I am no longer aloud to call her or text. The kids went from staying over her for almost a month to only coming every other weekend at which she makes sue to not drop them off till 10 pm Friday night. If my husband questions her in any way about her being late or her smoking around my step daughter with severe allergies she hangs up on him. She has brought her own children into all this dram as well. We never spak ill of her when the kids are here and I stilltr to be nice to her but I am sick of it. I’m ready to get away from her. I have a physical reaction to her name, if my husbands phone rings my stomach twists in knots. What do I do, me and my husband are fighting a lot bc of her bc of my hate for her. He just wants to ignoe her and let her have her way just to make her happy.

  98. Needless to say my husbands ex-wife is awful and very difficult to deal with. In the beginning I tried to befriend her for the children only. Although she is constantly trying to make my life miserable I get more upset about their past together than what happens now. I hate that they were married and had children. I hate the thoughts of my husband being with someone else. These thoughts consume me and I am unable to let this go. I can’t even be intimate with my husband without thinking about him being intimate with her. His mother hangs on to pictures of their wedding, births, etc. It makes me physically sick to have seen those pictures and I can’t get the images out of my mind.

    • Though your comments are 4 years old, they really struck a chord with me. That is the way I felt about the ex-wife. I have always been upset that my husband’s sister keeps the photos all over her wall of the old days, with some of the group photos including the ex-wife, and I can’t stand that. There aren’t any photos that include me, as our family came along much later than all of our kids’ cousins.
      I can be stubborn, so when I realized how miserable the ex-wife was making me, I couldn’t stand that even more. So, I have tried to not let her “get” to me. I’m sometimes successful and sometimes not, but I do know I am better off keeping her out of the picture as much as possible. But, that has meant less contact with my step-daughter, and some of my husband’s family. It has brought me a little more peace.
      How are things with you now? Are you still together? How are you handling this? I, too, felt ill at the pictures so prominently displayed, and hate my sister-in-law for thinking that it is so important to display all these past relationships.

  99. My husband’s ex-wife is extremely toxic. He and I have been together for 5 years, married for 8 months. He has two sons, aged 19 and 23 who are incredible young men and who I love as my own. For the past 5 years I’ve been subjected to her antics. These range from her texting my husband with pornographic images of herself, sending him texts asking him if he “wants to f*ck”, “attempting” suicide on 3 occasions to garner attention (she only swallowed 4 sleeping pills in one of her attempts), trying to take him to court for maintenance (when my husband and I pay for EVERYTHING to do with her two sons, they even live with us). She even wrote to her youngest son asking him “what is it about this woman” that this child loves about me. She has resorted to fraudulent activities to fabricate legal documents to demonstrate that my husband is legally entitled to pay her rent.

    My husband and I left our home country a year ago to work abroad, which was a relief to be able to escape her clutches. The messages, phone calls and texts to him didn’t die down even though we were in a different country. She has subsequently become engaged to a man she met last year so her harassment has slowed although she still sends him the occasional text which demonstrates her tenacity. Her youngest son recently wanted nothing more to do with his mother, … labeling her as a “spineless, coward, intent on destroying the relationship I have with dad”. Being the logical person I am, I encouraged him to make amends with her which he has done.

    Throughout her harassment, I remained uninvolved although I am very sensitive and emotional with a very short temper. It has been a monumental struggle to retain my dignity over the years but I have managed to never say a bad word about her to the boys, neither have I responded to her trashy tactics. I left the sordid mess to my husband to deal with. There is not much we can do. The only control we have is the control over ourselves. I take comfort in the fact I have not lowered myself to her standards. I am proud to be the second wife.

  100. I tried this approach with my husband’s ex wife. What a joke! I extended an olive branch to her repeatedly, only to have her beat me with it. When I tried to set up a meeting. She said she just didn’t feel good about that. When I tried to give her the opportunity to get to know me(as I would expect any parent would want to know who their child is spending time with), she replied that she knew enough. When I have tried by phone to talk to her she only wants to know what my husband told me about their divorce and that she is the only one that has been a parent to their son. And she can take that and own it because according to the GUARDIAN AD LITEM he is a master manipulator. My step son has told me face to face when I asked him why he doesn’t treat me like his parents, he said it’s because I’m smart like him! Can you believe this?? My husband won’t take a stand on anything. I’m only here because of my commitment to marriage, not the marriage itself. Sad my children are having to live in this environment.

  101. Hi Casey, I know how you feel – I am in exactly the same situation and I often don’t feel my husband shows his loyalty to me over issues with his toxic ex-wife. However, I try not to involve the issues directly over my stepchildren, because at the end of the day it’s not their fault at all. Why don’t you consider going with your husband to collect them from the airport – you could put on a very loving, together “show” in front of her – that should really give her a message and also, show her you’re not bothered what she’s trying to do. She mustn’t think she’s “won”. I have tried to be friendly to my husband’s ex-wife and she still treats me like dirt, but it is always worth a try. But I totally understand how you feel. I guess your husband feels guilty and perhaps torn between keeping you happy and the children happy. But as I said, it’s not the fault of the children and it’s important to try to keep them out of it. Best of luck, I do feel for you, it’s a horrible situation you’re in.

  102. My husband’s ex wife took the children on a vacation. She has become increasingly jealous of our marriage and happiness and likes to flex her power in any way she can. She called him to ask him to pick them up from the airport. I said absolutely not. I knew what she was doing. Why didn’t she make arrangements before? Because she wanted to show me that she can still get his attention and make him do things. I told him how disrespectful it is to me. He called his mother for advice and she stuck up for the ex wife by saying “It’s for the children”. Fine, then when he and I go on a vacation I will have him call her to have her pick us up with the children in the car. It’s the same thing. She doesn’t want to pick me up and I don’t want him to pick her up. It’s about respect.

  103. Hi Jo,

    I think going to family therapy is a great idea. It’s not unreasonable to ask — it’s probably the best thing you could do as a family, and the best way to deal with your husband’s toxic ex-wife.

    If that doesn’t happen, I encourage you to go to individual counseling. This doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Counseling or therapy can give you the tools you need to deal with your stepkids and your husband’s ex-wife. And, counseling can make you emotionally stronger, which will increase your self-confidence.

    Sometimes you just need to let go of your hopes and expectations for relationships, and just work on being happy in your own life and personality. You can’t control how they respond to you, or how they treat you. But you can control how you life your life, and how happy you are!

    I wish you all the best,
    Laurie

  104. Both my husband & I were previously married and have children from both those prior relationships. However many similarities end there.

    What do you do and what can you do as a step mother when your personal items such as original old family photos (back to late 1800’s)and even (cherished) folders of my own daughter’s school and growing up memories disappear? These are not valuable to others but this is still vicious and I am sure they feel smug as it often is I suspect quite awhile for me to discover what the next thing missing is.

    My husband does not want to deal with it as he knows the kids will deny it, although he suspects which child has done the latest discovery of loss – as it causes strife with his very hostile ex, and they play a blame/guilt trip on him.

    I am always at a loss as to where they even think of these actions – I only have a few photos left of my 16 year who is s angry at me that I “can’t protect her” even in the metaphysical sense

    It is so soul destroying when my crime is to love their dad and desire that we can be a role model to them of what a functional relationship is.

    I have tried and tried and tired to be the best step mother anyone could want but my efforts and money are just taken by children who act with not any sign of a conscious what so ever. I would welcome some more signs of open conflict as that may signal some adjustment processes going on and give us something more ‘tangible’ to work with as a couple and with his kids. But on the surface they seem benign and shut off.

    They play the victim with their Dad but they are certainly using it to their bullying advantage and I feel that their mother, and thus they, feel morally justified in whatever happens – I have asked my husband that before they come here again that we all go into a third party – court appointed therapy – so that when they are here the relationship he also has with them would start to be along more healthy pathways.

    Is this unreasonable to ask?

  105. That’s great advice: let your husband deal with his ex-wife. If you can avoid being involved with her, you avoid all the associated problems!

    But sometimes that’s easier said than done.

  106. How did I deal with my husband’s toxic ex-wife? I didn’t. I let him do it. That said, I made sure to watch my p’s and q’s when the kids were with us on the weekend. I made sure they were taken care of so that the ex didn’t have anything negative to say. I didn’t bad mouth their mom, and I corrected them if they tried to call me mom (they did this at first because they thought they could get away with certain things by buttering me up-didn’t work). If their mother tried to say negative things or do something petty, I ignored it. The behavior never lasted very long after I did this. I get along great with the kids, and I concentrated on my relationship with them=not their mother.

  107. Dear Tiffany,

    I’m so sorry to hear that your husband’s ex-wife is so difficult. Marriage and stepchildren are difficult enough, without ex-wives adding to the drama and pressure!

    My best suggestion is to find a way to center yourself and stay connected to yourself regardless of what she does. You need to find ways NOT to let her actions affect you — don’t give her that power! Her negativity doesn’t have to affect the rest of your family, or your marriage.

    But, in order for you to keep her separate from the rest of your life, you need to develop healthy habits. If you’re religious, for example, you could let your spiritual beliefs and prayer override her actions. Or if you’re into exercise and fitness, you could use yoga or meditation to stay calm and draw a healthy line between you and your husband’s ex-wife.

    There are many ways to keep your self-identity and not let toxic people affect your life more than absolutely necessary….the hard part is finding what works for you, and sticking with it! Staying connected with yourself is one of the best ways to deal with stress and negativity. It may sound glib, but it works.

    I hope this helps a little, and wish you all the best.

    Laurie

  108. It never stoppes amazing me how far Elaine will go to make herself the victim. “I’ve done the best I could to get along with my children’s stepmother, and it’s resulted in nothing but her attacking me, and badmouthing me to my own children” She has never tried to get along with me. Every time we talk its always about her and how she want me and the kids to belive her stories that do not add up and somehow always end up with her the victim thru no fault of her own. I’ve sent email to help her fix her realtionship with her children. I’ve tried to set up times for her to see her children. I’ve tried to talk to her on several times only to be met with my husband and I are abusive. Now this late meeting that we ARGUED she now states I attacked her because she had the children three hours for a whole month three hours and could not take care of them. One child hurt his knee and she made him walk around the mall the kids where hungry and of course thats not her problem. So yes I got angree but I get over it, get it out but she holds on to grudges and punishes the children for having a mind of there own. Even going as far as threating the children if they dont’ tow the line she will leave them with us and never comming to see them. She likes to say we are withholding visitation but she never calls and asks for the children at all. She has also told the children she is not going to see them till they are 18 then wants to say she is all motherly? I’m sorry if this makes me Toxic so be it. However this toxic person has said many times if she wants to talk you knows my number.
    Mellissa

  109. I think I am at my breaking point I do not believe I can handle the “drama” my husbands’ EX brings. We have been together since 2005, He has 2 children and always had full custody. She was never in the childrens life really till I came around, I have raised the kids now 12 & 17 and we had a son together who is 3. She comes in and out of our lives as she pleases sometimes we dont hear from her for months. This is hard for all of us. This women is crazy, and I mean seriously she needs medical help, and I’m not being mean. She is a compulsive lyer, she is manpulative, and very hurtful to all she comes in contact with. Her 17 year old son will not even speak w/ her any more, Nor does her parents who are still in “our” lives. Our 12 year old is still easily swayed w/ bribes to come and visit, They see each other approx. 4 -5 times a year. This also causes stress. She owes us over $20,000 dollars in child support and uses the Courts as a tool to torture us w/ friolous law suits, switching attorneys and asking for a number of continuances. The latestes one is the worse, she wants custody of our 12yr. old and wants to “redo” the orginal divorce from 2000?!! This has put major finacial burdens on us and emotional stress. I just dont know how to handle it anymore, I’ve always taken the high rode and all of the cases in the past have either been dropped or won by us But this one is scary and serious, there even is a Guarian appointed to the kids which cost alot.
    I need help, I feel like I’m looseing myself and all control I’m afraid it’s effecting my 3 year old, Any advice what I should do.
    Tiffany

  110. Laurie,

    Thanks for being a sounding board to many who write in. I agree with you in terms of listening to your “gut” and the old adage “actions speak louder than words”. God gave our “gut” and wisdom to us so we could confidently navigate through tough situations in life. I call it the gift of discernment and many men know women have it. We as women should know that we have it as a gift to help ourselves and others from possible missteps or even dangers.

    Recently I was involved in a situation to where my bf was cheating on me. I felt it in my gut so profoundly it was incredible. I didn’t want to have to face this moment but I couldn’t rest, I was full of anxiety and felt so insecure. I was not going to let this continue on my watch because I know what I am worth. I was a very, very close confidant and friend to him for more than a year before we started dating. On month 3 of meeting and knowing him, he told me he believed I was his wife and he would wait for me for as long as it would take. Now I have an identical twin sister who he met two weeks before my meeting him. I challenged him with that fact and emphatically reminded him that I do have a twin (we don’t look that much alike now). i asked him that if he was sure if it was me or her he was speaking of, I needed to know. I didn’t want confusion involved with my sister at all. He said I was the one for him and it would not be her ever. We continued on as friends and really had an understanding that we needed to build a great friendship before we started dating (I needed to know more about him as we had been talking on the phone primarily because I was in another state looking to relocate).

    No objections from either and we continued on as friends. We would hang out in a group consisting of a couple of friends and my twin. My sister and he would fight and bump heads so much that I told them this was getting ridiculous and needed to stop. She would joke with us because she knew there was an attraction between us, kind of reminded me of junior high stuff. Then around month 5, she knew a lot of things he and I would talk about because he told her, she would call me and gripe about what he said to her and vice versa then would get mad if I didn’t click over to chat with her while talking with him on the phone. Then I would confide in him about her and on and on. Then I woke up one day and said this is too much. It was stupid. I felt as though there was an emotional triangle forming-nothing at all promiscuous, sexual, etc from anyone but definitely emotionally binding which can be the strongest tie of all. Again, I had recently moved when this stuff began and I told him I needed to get my life in order and that I would be taking a time away for myself to do this…away from the drama triangle which meant both of them and to think on what my next steps were to be. So I left to go to my hometown to be with family I hadn’t seen in a long, long time. I told my twin this as well but I made sure HE knew it was only temporary for me and not to break anything off with him. I reassured him I would be back. I guess he didn’t understand.

    When I returned, we had a talk and it was intense as we were both hurt. I apologized because I could see he was hurt. He said he cried for days and was devastated. Well, we worked through that and were back on course until about 2 months down the road, he started “clinging” to my sister. We’d go out as a group and then he would be standing next to her in public places fidgeting with his phone, etc not even talking with her but just being next to her. Almost if she offered him some security. I asked him what was up and he said nothing. Also, there was another woman who started flirting around with him in my face and he allowed it. By this point, my love for him had grown from just respect and appreciation to now wanting to further our friendship into a romantic pursuit just as we had discussed. I talked to him about this and he agreed. Long story short-we ended up dating for a few weeks. The first month was great so I thought, and then the next 3 weeks it all hit me. This woman started popping up again and I also caught him out at night with my twin sister, “just talking.” What did my gut say about that? I sought for answers to my gut questions and I went straight to the source. After all, we were very close even before we dated and had a foundation of transparency…I began to ask him the right questions and he overreacted and saying that my twin and him were just friends and that is all it was ever going to be-that he’d fallen for me and wanted me for his wife, etc. Then about the other woman who was more than friendly, he said we “wasn’t even attracted to her.”

    Well, two weeks after the confrontational questioning, he began to withdraw-not calling me as much, not wanting to do things, not responding to my texts but he would my twin’s. He was found out around the holidays at which point he decided to concoct a lie about me saying that i had vexed him into our relationship and that he never wanted to be with me but always with my twin. All types of craziness and lies manifested. He really set it up to where I looked like the devil and my twin was the angel whom he wanted to be with but there is more…while he said all of this, he was seeing this other woman as well. Remember when I took a little time for myself a few months ago? During that time, he approached my twin and told her I was the mistake and that she was his wife when clearly he had told me it would never be her. Sadly, neither one of them told me this happened so for months I was kept in dark by my flesh and blood and this guy who led me to believe we were back on track relationally. This guy successfully played twin sisters and another woman. There could have been more. Now, right after he was caught, he has turned a new leaf (which is great and hope it is genuine to the core) and he is still with my twin. For the record, he has done his best to ask me to forgive him via email but he still wants to be with my twin after breaking up with this other woman who he called a girlfriend publicly. Ha, I didn’t even get that-no tears here, at least not anymore. It was tough the betrayal of a friend/love and a family member. Hard to deal with because I had invested so much of myself and really did grow to love him. Many have said you were lucky, you found out before ever walking down the aisle with him. Somehow him being with my sister, who is a loving, intelligent person, undermines that statement at times to me….still so bizarre and confusing choices we can make as people, huh? So unexpected. But the gut was right!

    I found out a lot about my “gut” or gift of discernment in this aspect of relationships. I have never been in one where I had to use it so much in a relationship, but when I paid attention to it, though filled with anxiety and grief anticipating the dreaded inevitable, I was right. At that moment, when your gut is “going off” and you have at least some suspicions about your significant other, listen to them. If they are wrong, then there is nothing for anyone to hide-work through it and go on. I am very amazed at how strong the discernment can be and how accurate it can be…it is like a metal detector. Remember, time always is a factor which reveals those secret things, lies. You’ve heard, “what is done in secret will be exposed.” Ladies, pay attention to the gift God gave you and if your man is cheating and can’t man up to tell you the truth, then reevaluate why you are with him. If he is truly repentant and wants to change and you want to work through it, then that is your decision. May god help you through it and it be blessed. If the man has a problem lying, no, you can’t fix him, only he can and he has to finally come to terms with himself and make decisions based on what he deems priceless….you. If he ever does…which some wake up. (Women do this too, I know guys) Otherwise, my question is, why would you want to stay with someone who once made you feel so good now consistently places you (by your choice) in a position of insecurity and walking on egg shells. Listen to your gut!! Actions do speak louder than words and if you are worth it, you will listen and God will give you the wisdom to walk through it but you got to ask Him and seek help from those who know you, love you and that you trust will give you objective truths-even about yourself.

    A couple of thoughts:

    Pair an emotional connection with strong desires of one person toward another who is in a relationship, it could very well be on its way to an affair-at any level. It is playing with fire no matter how you look at it. A little laugh here and there, a flirtatious gesture added ever so often, a coffee date or a shoulder to cry on, can be meeting needs inside a person that they shouldn’t by right be fulfilling if committed to another.

    Men: I know you all don’t cheat and not all women are saints either but, what does faithfulness mean to anyone today? Men, would you flirt with another company behind your boss’ back? You’d be fired instantly. So you dare not do it, right? Is your job more important than your self respect and character? Then why would you do it behind the back of the ones you say you love? I’d have to say you have no true value placed on love except that of yourself and it shows when you place your desires to gratify yourself over your loved ones-especially when it could ruin what you have built. Don’t do it, men! It is not worth it. Go to someone who can help you…NOT to one of your boys who is also doing the same behavior. There is a higher standard you are called to and you know it so run to it and embrace it rather than cowering away from worthy responsibility of commitment and priceless entity desired by all, your love with another.

    I hold fast to core values such as hoensty, integrity, etc especially with someone you love and care for and they for you. Even when it is hard to be honest for fear of rejection, change, etc. I do know life isn’t perfect and that some couples work out and others don’t but I don’t believe people are disposable just because you aren’t happy within yourself or you are bored. Talk to your significant other and at least you can be honest. From there take a plan of action if agreeable. Actions do speak louder than words, people. Ladies, listen to your gut and don’t be afraid to value and fight for what you believe in. Asking questions is not a crime and don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than or crazy for following what your gift of discernment may be revealing to you before things get worse. It is a gift for a reason. Celebrate it and if your wrong, own it and move on. If you are right, wow, pray and seek what you need to do next depending on how involved you with a guy who has a lying/cheating problem.

    Sorry so long, thanks, Laurie. Keep up the good work.

  111. Hi Rebecca,

    I’m so sorry to hear that your husband’s toxic ex-wife told you about her affair with your husband! That’s terrible. I’m sorry that your marriage didn’t work out. Why would he do such a thing?

    I don’t know if she can be held responsible…but I do believe what goes around, comes around. The karma she’s put into the world will come back to haunt her.

    And what about your cheating husband? Shouldn’t he be held responsible, too?

  112. I tried all of the things that were suggested. The last straw came when my husbands ex emailed me that she had slept with my husband, gave specific days and had emails to back it up. She was vicious and bitter and even though I never saw the emails, it caused such a rift in our marriage that we are now separated and heading toward a divorce. Did I lose? Yes. I lost my beautiful step-daughters and my life as I knew it. You can only try and accept so much abuse and you finally break. I broke. I question if she can somehow be held responsible? I just don’t think that someone can be so horrible and not be held accountable at some point.

  113. Jane, thanks for your inspiring words — it sounds like you’ve been through alot with your husband’s toxic ex-wife, but it’s made you stronger and smarter! That’s great.
    .-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post…Establish Good Financial Habits – 6 Ways to Make Money Saving Tips Stick =-.

  114. Oooh, I think I have the most toxic ex-wife situation of all! My husband divorced his ex almost 5 years ago and we have been married for 2. When we started dating he had been divorced for almost 2 years. She was vicious! Myspace was more popular at the time and she used it to insult me, called me 40+ times a day and hung up, sent me nasty text messages, drove by his house and even contacted my friends (whom she didn’t know) in order to spread negative infomation about my husband in an attempt to break us up. Also, she would send my huband seductive pictures and messages, filed a false police report of violence on him, had his visitation suspended with his son (after which she dropped all charges) and on and on.

    I am strong willed but non-confrontational and never responded to her (which was good considering that responses only give her more energy/ammunition), but my silence left me feeling like a doormat. It was particularly difficult with my stepson would comment to me about how his mom wanted to “beat me up” or called me other names. Once, when my husband attended one of his son’s games with my two children (I wasn’t there) and she publically insulted my family, embarassing my children to tears with her name calling of them and my husband.

    Finally after several years of this I have come to realize that I won. In fact, I had always won! I have her husband, I love her child and she is alone and angry. Yes, it’s tough even now for me at times (when she sends old wedding pictures to my hubby for instance), but it is sad and so terribly desperate. I ALMOST feel sorry for her.

    On another note, my ex and I maintain a decent relationship and I actually adore his girlfriend. She is mature and friendly and gives me piece of mind knowing she is caring for my kids. Frankly, I strive to be more like her!

    There will always be negative people in our lives. An incident this morning brought me to find this article. Now it is time for me to take a deep breath, and take my own advice!

  115. What happens when it’s the both the ex-husband and his new wife that are toxic? I’ve done the best I could to get along with my children’s stepmother, and it’s resulted in nothing but her attacking me, and badmouthing me to my own children. the sad part is, they believe her over me! I raised them, nursed them and was always there for them, and now I pay for it by being attacked by my ex, his new wife, and my own kids. Frankly, I hate her for this. Keep the husband, give back my children’s affection.

  116. I have been with my partner for 4 yrs. He has 2 grown stepchildren (in their 30s) from his previous 25 yr marriage. The whole family dynamic is dysfunctional and toxic. I am not bowing down to a mental case. She cheated on him 2 yrs before I met him, lived with the guy, they broke up, now she wants him back. Both kids are living with her (and have quit 50$ hr jobs) to “take care” of her. I refuse to meet her as I see no positive results. The “kids” are welcome to visit anytime, but chose not to. I really dont care, but I can see how much it hurts my partner. Why are women so manipulative??????

  117. I am an ex-wife. My husband is remarried and lives out of state. I do not get along with his ex wife at all. She makes comments to me like “who do you think is going to raise your kids when you are dead and buried in the ground.” She also has created a page on facebook directed at me. She is so negative that I have concerns about my children being around her. My ex told me he was leaving me when I was seven months pregnant with our second child. He then made my life miserable for the rest of my pregnancy and when I came home from the hospital with the baby. For some insane reason, his new wife thinks I’m not over my ex. I have been over my ex since I came home from the hospital with my new baby!!! I have never said anything negative about my ex or his new wife around my children. However, I am concerned that she will make negative statements to my children. This new wife posts something about me almost on a daily basis – she even friended a woman that I haven’t spoken to in over 15 years just to get on my nerves!!! My point is that not all ex-wives are toxic some new wives are the toxic part of the mix!

  118. Thanks for your thoughts, AJ and Christy!

    I don’t think the step-mom or new wife should be the one to make all the concessions all the time…nor do I think she should change her lifestyle or her personality. But, if her husband has a toxic ex-wfie, then she needs to find ways to make life easier for her and her husband.

    After all, if she doesn’t, who will? Her husband, yes…but the toxic ex-wife sure won’t! The ex-wife doesn’t usually care if her ex-husband’s new marriage is going well.

    So, I guess I wrote this article to try to empower the women who can make a difference…and that’s women like you, AJ and Christy! I don’t think it’s fair that you should make changes in your life, but that may be the best way to smooth the whole thing.

    Which is why I encourage new wives to make friends with the ex-wife, if possible! Because being on friendly terms might sweeten up the ex-wife, and make her less toxic.

    What do you think?

    Laurie
    .-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post…Save Money on Getting Married – Budget Tips for Brides and Grooms =-.

  119. I agree with AJ. My husband and I have been married for 10 months now. He has 2 children with his ex, but has a 22 year old son from a marriage before her. She always resented this stepson…until I began to bond with him. Now she is playing supermom to him, and is trying to bond with my new parent-in-laws. She is even calling my sister-in-law (my best friend for 10 years) to spend time with her daughters (she never was this person while she was actually in the family). She reads my Facebook and Myspace status and calls husband, or kids to see if I am telling the truth or to find out what I am talking about. Husband feels I should change….he thinks I should give up my facebook and myspace to keep her from being offended at my posts about how happy we are together. Why should I change my lifestyle or myself to protect her insecurities?

  120. I just don’t understand why the step-mom has to bite her tongue and be the nice person ALL the time. If I don’t like the ex as a person or a suitable mother, due to her going above and beyond a disrespectful level to me, why should I be the “quiet” one? Even though she has gone to many lengths to make me miserable, if she asks me to do something, I do it. I only do these favors so I know that the daughter is in good hands and is being taken care of with us. However, I feel like enough is enough now and that I need to stick up for myself. It just doesn’t seem possible for that to happen without WWIII breaking loose!

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