How to Deal With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb,” says relationship expert and author Barbara De Angelis. “It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.”
Part of loving your spouse is learning to cope with his first wife. That’s what these tips are all about: dealing with your husband’s toxic ex-wife before she destroys your marriage.
For added support, read The Single Girl’s Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace. You’ll see yourself in those pages, and you’ll learn how to cope with an ex who drives you – and your husband – crazy!
6 Tips for Dealing With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
Get the ex-wife on your side – invite her for coffee
One of the best ways to build a healthy remarriage is to get your husband’s ex-wife on your side. I know this sounds outrageous, but think about calling her up, telling her you want the best for her kids, and asking if she can make time to meet you for an hour or so. Tell her you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Compliment her on how she’s raising them – she must have done something right over the years!
Let your husband’s ex-wife get to know you
You want to help her get to know who you are as a person. She’ll be less likely to criticize you if she knows you. It’s incredibly easy to criticize people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex-husband and her kids probably like you. Of course she’s an angry ex-wife – you’re succeeding in areas she “failed”). But, it’s more difficult to criticize people we know and love.
Tell your husband’s ex-wife what she did and does right
Is she a good mother? Does she have a super clean or well-decorated house? Focus on what she does well, and tell her how much you admire that trait. You’re not being a sycophant or brown noser; you’re focusing on the positive qualities of your husband’s ex-wife. That might soften her, make her less angry or negative. To build a better marriage, you might need to take the first step towards peace and friendship.
Read about dealing with difficult or toxic women
The more you learn about coping with angry, unreasonable people – and setting your boundaries – the better off you’ll be. Do whatever it takes to make your remarriage successful: attend workshops, read books with your husband, go to family counseling. Learn how to dial down your own angry, frustrated responses and how to get the most out of your new marriage. I know it’s difficult, frustrating, and even aggravating – but when your husband’s ex-wife causes marriage problems, you may have to bear the burden.
You may also have to learn about dealing with difficult husbands, because sometimes they cause unnecessary problems with their ex-wives.
Leave your stepchildren out of your marriage problems
No matter how angry his ex-wife is, or how frustrated or hurt you are, don’t involve your husband’s kids in the problems. The kids are (probably) innocent bystanders – and you’d be better off focusing on connecting with your step children instead of involving them in adult marriage and remarriage problems.
To solve marriage problems before they begin, read Second Marriages That Work – 10 Tips for “Happily Ever After.”
Forgive your husband for his past marriage (and choice of ex-wife!)
If you think your husband made a bad marriage choice in the past, shake off your resentment or anger. He was a different person when he met and married his first wife – and so was she. He made the best decision he could, he fell in love, and he thought he was doing the right thing.
Don’t make him pay now for a decision he made years ago…that’ll just tear at the fabric of your marriage. Instead, accept him for who he is as a whole man – and that includes his first marriage and his angry ex-wife.
If you think your husband is part of the problem, read Secrets Husbands Keep From Their Wives.
Do you think you can’t deal with your husband’s ex-wife? Read the comments below – you’ll see you’re not alone.
Category: Remarriages
My boyfriend’s ex partner lives very near they have 2 children. She has a high flying job and goes away often and leaves the children stay with my boyfriend this is happening more after I met him.The children are aged 13 and 15.
There is no notice and sometimes if we make plans to go away for a weekend and ex wants us to babysit then she sends texts saying she needs a break and asking for us to make arrangements for them, we have to cancel cos my boyfriend wants his kids to be ok and not left alone. We run them around and his ex texts to tell him to take of fetch them somewhere or school,doctor friends. The ex does not seem to want to look after them full time or take responsability and blames him if things go wrong or asks him to sort it out.
She always asks for money and tells him how much pocket money to give them and rants if he doesn’t by text. Though he has been very short of money and she is doing very very well , but she does not give money to him to feed the kids when she is gone for weeks at a time. When they were together he did a lot and I feel that they act as though they are still together but with no sex. We are making plans for us and my children to move in but his kids still have bedrooms in his house though they live very near, my boyfriend says he always wants them to have their home with him as well, but he also wants me to feel at home and for my kids to move in and this means but this has to mean taking the bedrooms, he cant see this and says everything will be fine. Am I being unreasonable to be worried and anxious as I feel not at home.What advice an anyone give me? Am I being unreasonable? My boyfriend says he does n ot like his ex but cares about his kids.
My fiance is in his late 50s and divorced his first wife 20 years ago. He was a peace corp volunteer in the Congo and this 17 yr old semi-literate village woman who already had an illegitimate kid by another foreigner latched onto him. Although 27, he fell for it when she got pregnant pretty fast, he felt obliged to marry her and take her to the US. She got the American passport she wanted, so after three years in the USA he divorced her because of her unreasonable behavior. This woman leeched off him and had a meal ticket for the rest of her life. She used the maintenance he had to pay for his biological kid plus her other one to buy herself a house, while he lived in rented accommodation and never managed to save any money. She still hangs around his extended family and tries to maintain contact with him. We don’t live in the US but are overseas and he thinks that I am being unreasonable refusing to ever meet this leech. The woman has kept his name and I don’t see why he needs any contact whatsoever with her. He still defends her if I criticize. Is he still carrying a torch for this woman and should I be concerned?
My husband is having an affair with a just turned 22 year old girl…he is 40 1/2. I’m 46…My husband has asked for a divorce and told me that this was not going how he expected because I told him I would not accept full custody of our children that he would have joint custody. I am devastated that he has left us for this other girl and thinks he is “in love”. I want the girl to know that he is not going to be footloose and fancy free but that he will be having his kids 3 days every week and he works in the evening the rest of the week so there just isn’t going to be much time for her. I’m sure he is not telling her this…because he lied and did not tell her that we were still having sex during their six month affair while he lived at home…so here’s the question??? I thought that I would send her a mother’s day card congratulating her on her new found motherhood. What do you think? At least I’m not stalking her—
I hate my husband’s ex-wife!
At first, she pretended to be nice…came to my side of the car…made small talk…about what? About her life with MY husband (boyfriend at the time). I eventually told her that I have nothing to say to her.
She would call my husband non-stop (at least 2-3 times per week) just to talk “about *******” (my step-daughter). If he didn’t want to talk, she would say things like “Are you okay? Why don’t you want to talk to me?” She even would call him to ask him to pick up the paper for her before he went to pick up his daughter. If he said no…she would cry and do stupid stuff to try to get him to feel bad!
Everytime we picked up ****** up, she would rush to the car and say whatever she could to make me angry….like “Sorry I forgot to call you on your birthday! I got you this small gift…” He told her that he didn’t want her coming to the vehicle anymore because he didn’t want anything to do with her. He had several conversations with her about not talking about anything except *******. She kept pushing and pushing and pushing…. I got in a verbal argument with her when I got out of the car to get ******* and she picked ******* up at age 7 and tried to walk past me. When I said “I’m going to take her from here. Please do not go near my vehicle.” She FLIPPED and said “Are you saying that I cannot hug my daughter?????” I said “No, hug her here…I’m walking her to my vehicle.” She stormed past me, put ******* in my car, buckled her in, then walked around to my husband who was sitting in the passenger seat. She started banging on his window because it was winter and said “You need to keep better control over this B*t**!” I told her to go screw herself.
After that, my husband put it in writing to both her and the FOC that she was not to come to our vehicle anymore. Next time we saw her, she said “That’s okay, I know where you live.” Is that a threat??
She recently went to FOC and had an attorney for more parenting time. They granted her more parenting time and the referee is requiring that my husband have a verbal relationship with her….is that legal???
With all due respect, attempting to follow your advice only enabled my husband’s ex to get close enough, to stab us both in the back,
repeatedly.
At first I thought it was great that she seemed ever so friendly, and seemed to hold a desire for us to “all get along.” What I foolishly didn’t realize that she had dumped my husband because she thought she could “do better”, but what she was really doing was keeping him around as an “option”, just in case things didn’t work out!
For the sake of my husband’s children, I also saw nothing wrong with her continuing to show up at HIS family functions. We had no idea what a mistake that was until it was far too late.
So, as soon as her 2nd marriage failed, she then proceeded to chase after my husband. Not only involved his children, but she involved HIS mom, dad, and sister, (ie., her evil minions) who she had convinced that my husband secretly wanted her back, and that I was the only thing standing in their way. Just fact that my husband had never objected to having his ex continue hanging around all the time, was all she needed to convince them that the reason was because he secretly wanted her back, and he was only staying with me out of “loyalty” and convinced them to play all kinds of nasty games to try to get me to leave him.
When my husband attempted to call his family on their behavior? well, his own mother laughed and asked him how I was ever going to find out? My husband was so upset, he had to leave, and immediately called me, literally crying his eyes out that his own mother had betrayed him.
When I called his mother on what she had done, she responded by telling me that I shouldn’t worry, bercause they had it all worked out, and planned on taking care of me afterwards! Afterwards? You mean after they succeeded in their evil plot to break my husband and I up?
That’s when I started screaming, and informed her that before I would allow any of them to “take care of me”, I would live in the sewers with the rats first, because I like rats a whole lot better than I like snakes!
I was dumb enough to forgive them, and as soon as his psychotic ex broke up with with husband #3, they did it all over again!
To say that I now hate my husband’s family with an all consuming passion that knows no bounds would be an understatement, and even worse, I have no one to blame but myself. I didn’t even meet my husband until after their divorce, and he warned me against having anything to do with her. He had told me all about how manipulative and underhanded she was, how she flirted outrageously with other guys practically from day one of their marriage, and never had a doubt she was looking to “better deal” him, and that he was miserable the entire time. Only thing that kept him from dumping her first, was that his religion only permits divorce for infidelity, which had to be proven, by no less than 2 witnesses, catching them in the act.
There is no legitmate reason to have coffee with an ex, or have them in your marriage–at all. Not ex girlfriends, boyfriends, or ex spouses. Do so at your own risk.
Anna…. when she is expected to drop off the child at your home, lock the door!!! When she knocks, answer and block the door and do not let her in. OR, you pick up the child or meet at a public place — like a grocery store parking lot… lots of ways to keep her out of your home.
Laurie — you are so correct. We cannot change anyone else, only ourself. This is so difficult. Lately I have been doing so much better at this but then there are those other days where I do not feel like I am doing well or have made progress in this respect. Overall, I know I have but I have to tough out the hard days.
MY B/F recently told me he felt it was “petty” for me to request he speak with the x wife about her touching him…. I told him it was hurtful for him to think more of how she would feel about being spoken to than how I felt about her pawing at him… like he was taking sides. We finally did speak with ther and things are better with her keeping her hands to herself. He just didn’t see it and I think it is because she had always been touchy with him as he never had set boundaries. She is used to having him to be with at family holidays, weddings, funerals, you name it. I live with him now and I am not interested in hanging out with her at any functions. I am courteous… this is necessary, but I do not want to be her BFF… she has been too nasty as have his sisters — her BFFs.
It is sad the sisters think they have to make a choice between us. Why can’t they be nice to everyone and if the X has an issue with it then it is her issue and no one else’s. I am steering clear and I will do everything to keep her out of our life and away from us. We both have 2 kids… and all the kids are adults with their own homes and lives. I have stopped trying to control situations so much — read a great book on codependency — to just let events happen is much better and a lot less stressful, and I can do this and my B/F and I can just steer clear if she is there. So much more comfortable for me and I hope for my B/F.
Anyone have ideas on how to help myself become less resentful of her? I have it so much better than most of you… no visitation issues with kids or phone calls (that I know of, lol) She does follow us around at functions like our shadow and gets so angry when we just move away and do our own thing. She has no one in her life and not many friends or any for that matter (that I know of) except his two sisters. She just gets under my skin. I have been advised by others who have “been there done that” to pick my battles and just let some things go. Sometimes I just cannot keep my mouth shut…. I SO wish I could just keep my mouth shut sometimes! Any suggestins?
Hi everyone. I have been having issues with his ex. She has not had anything to do with him in 7 years. Now she does not have a man so she is finely letting him talk to his kids. OK so she texts him and the start talking about the past and sending pics of herself and of there wedding were they were kissing. Asking if He misses her. I told him this is not right. But he was scared to say anything to her because He thinks she will take the kids away again. He finally said that I did not like it so she stopped. But the other day she sent another pic of herself from back in the day. I do not get it. He does not ask for the pic she just sends them. And she is always saying she misses her friend meaning him. I do not trust her.
They never go away. His ex and my hubby don’t even have biological kids and she has been remarried for over 2 years to one of the men she cheated with ……… and still there she is. All over his facebook, e-mailing all the family, trying to get him to pay more for HER kids….
it’s maddening
Fran… change your phone number!!!
Chelly… Yeah! Good advice to keep this forum positive. (She probably is a toxic X ! lol)
Michelle…. I feel your pain. My B/F’s X is best friends with his sisters… she is at all of my B/F’s
family function. She and the sisters have been so hurtful… so I refused to have her in our home for any holidays or parties. I think even her grown son’s spoke to her about her nasty mouth and behavior because she asked to speak to us (we were going to address the issue that night anyway!!!) and tried to smooth things over. She would not, however, own any of her nasty, absurd behavior. She denied pawing at him, poking his belly, flicking at him with her fingers and hugging him. She was asked, by him, to keep her hands to herself. He had never set boundaries with her. There are ways… asking politely, and then legal action if necessary. I will play nice up to a point. My objective is to keep her out of my life the the fullest extent possible. I am no longer willing to make her problems/issues mine. If she starts in with the touching again, she will hear from me in front of the people she makes the touchy behavior in front of…. I don’t give a flip who it is… my B/F, his sisters, friends, their boys…. I don’t care anymore! She is out. I am in!!!!
My huspands ex(11 years) is insane. First of all she was never in their kids life girl 14 And boy 12. She left them for another guy when my steppson wasn’t even a month old. Yes I said it not even one month. Nevered even toook him in for his one month check up..so I come into my huspand and his childrens life about a year and half later…After 8 years of the single party life and sleeping around she gets thrown in jail for aiding/abeiting second degree murder where she starts calling the kids and my huspand from prison..I refuse to let my huspand speak to her espeacially when she haves no respect. She tells the kids and me that I’m not their real mother and for me to stay out of their lives. She allso won’t say my name she refers me to her or she.well anyways she builds a relationship with the kids calling them from prison for about two years and then was shipped to france for being an illegal alien..let me add around this time I’ve have been around and involve with the kids for about 7years now..so thank goodness I don’t have to see her face..the only thing that troubles us noww is that she’s teaching our teenager how to hate us and the life they have with us..she’s says things like “sorry if your new family isn’t what you hope for” or ” how was you christmas and did you guys even have fun?” Yes she treats us like we have been the absent parents that just came back into our kids life after 8 years.phyco! So let’s just say we let the teens keep in contact with their mother but I refuse to let my huspand talk to that women. I tell him she has nothing good to say about me and sometimmes my huspand and she lives so far away she doesn’t even suppport the kids.( the only things they get from her is one gift for their birthday and christmas, and its been only like this for two years)what can she posibly want to talk to you about..I think she’s just tring to gat me..am I wrong for this? Does this make me a bad person? Please give me feedback, need helpp!!!
hi, i have been married to my husband for the last 1 year and he is 3 adult children. Im not sure how to explain this but here goes. my husband’s ex does not visit our house often but when she comes to drop our youngest one off at times she just walks into the house. Also the children invite her in if there is something we have bought or built new… for example, we got our youngest a drumkit for his birthday. i planned a party and invited the ex who promised to attend and then didnt and left no message. the next day i walked into my lounge where the ex was standing with the kids chatting excitedly around her about what happened the other day. there was no apology. i feel disconcerted about having his ex coming into my house unannounced and uninvited by my husband or me. since then anything we do goes straight to her and she has always been there, in someways nosy. but the children invite her into the house and my husband and i feel awkward to ask them not to do that or ask the ex not to just come in when they do… i dont know what to do. I also have become distant with the children who live with us most of the time, as they dont talk to me unless they want something from me. i have noted that the eldest daughter is pretentious and arrogant… none of the kids say thank you or please and there is a lot of swearing around the place. i have tried to be cheerful and approachable for the last year but have now given up. may be not right but it gets frustrating
Learning how to set boundaries with your partner’s ex can be important – especially if she’s trying to criticize or threaten you directly. I’ve seen it many times unfortunately…nasty text messages, phone calls, etc.
Well now my bf’s mom is dying and has days left. He called me tonight and told me his family is all coming this weekend from another city and so is his ex’s family. His ex and him have been seperated for 15 years now and never got back together. Her family has lived 4 hours away for over 20 years as dave came to ottawa when he was 22 ( he is now 50). So why would her family be coming (her brother and her father etc). Also this makes me feel like second best already since dave has 3 grown sons by her. Im feeling very uneasy.
This is directed to DVK – I have to ask you to consider who is being disrespectful – the husband that pays for his ex-wife’s rent (again) then lies to you about it or the ex-wife that accepts the money?
You could make copies of your documented proof and show it to him, but what would that do? Are you ready for his reaction? What does it tell you when your husband and his ex-wife text each other every day with no reason to discuss their kids? Why are you in this relationship still? He does not respect you nor has he mentally divorced his ex-wife. Is this the life you want?
This article intrigued me as it hits close to home. My husband’s ex wife is impossible, and thats putting it mildly. Nothing we ever do pleases this woman. She refuses to listen to reason. I understand that its probably hard to know that her ex-husband is happy with someone else and thats fine if she wants to hate me or my husband.. My problem is she brings the kids into it. They are 7 and 5. I am very good to those kids, I treat them as my own but with boundaries, that when they call me “Mommy” I politely joke it off and say that they only have one mommy and one daddy and they both love them very much. She tells the kids that her new boyfriend is now their daddy. Its to the point of being ridiculous. I’ve tried to be open and nice to this woman. I”ve talked to her hours on end, trying to come up with a civil solution for any issues that may arise that she has with me. Otherwise she will have to deal with my husband on everything else. My husband and I work very hard for the things we have. We have twins as well, so we have a big family. She gets a LARGE amount of child support each month, plus we buy everything the kids need. She refuses to work and just lives off of the child support she receives. And yet, everytime my husband talks to their children she is in the background calling me “a gold digger” and that those little shits (referring to my 8 month old twins) are taking all of HER money. It KILLS me to bite my tongue, but I refuse to play into her craziness and also the kids need a stable “motherly role model.
Last summer we had them for the whole summer, both of the kids needed haircuts so we went and got my step daughters hair trimmed, and my step sons hair cut. When she saw this, she screamed at my husband calling him a few choice names then turning to the kids, (who have been right beside him the whole time) and saying “Say goodbye to your father because you will never see him again.” Then forced the kids into her car while they bawled, Literally because we got their haircut. When she found out we were expecting our twins, everytime the kids came by us they said that “Mommy says that when the babies come daddy wont care about us anymore.” and so much more I’d be here for days if i listed everything. I’ve tried so hard to be civil with her, I’ve invited her to have lunch to try and squash whatever issues she has with me. She’s denied with a let’s say, less than polite response. I’ve offered to lend her one of our vehicles when her’s was in the shop, something my husband was not too pleased about lol. She called me a choice 4 letter word because we actually work hard for our things and are able to have an extra car but of course that extra car “shouldve been her’s to begin with”. I’m at my wits end. My step daughter has now resorted to not listening to a word my husband and I say because “Mommy says that I dont have to listen to you because you’re not my mommy and daddy isn’t my daddy anymore, (insert current boyfriends name here) is.” I’ve never been a spiteful person, so I can’t really grasp how some people can be that way. Especially when young kids, or kids in general are involved.. Wouldn’t it be so much easier to be civil? You dont have to be best friends just civil!
REPLY TO:
Jeanne says:
February 10, 2012 at 7:55 pm
This article assumes it is the ex who is “toxic” as opposed to the adultery partner who takes over the life the ex had and wishes the ex would disappear.
Guess what? If he is married, find someone who is not. You will never gain happiness out of a relationship based on deception, betrayal, lies and deceit.
I believe in the statement you had given gives off the energy of you where the EX wife and feel very personal about this subject. I would like to comment on that as far as your approach is not being any helpful but disrespectful this a forum of support and positive words or encouragement. This forum was created for a specific subject of assistance for women out there in similar cases trying to look for a brighter and clear sky for their particular situation. In the words of my grandmother if you have nothing nice to say just stay quiet. BTW that was a judgement call judging situations that have different matters makes one look foolish. Again this a support forum not a judgement forum!
I just came back from my husband’s Mom’s funeral- and i have only been married to him for about 4 yrs, and we do not live close to his family. He and I are already having marital problems (communication)and I am not really comfortable hanging out with his family because I don’t really know them. Nevertheless, I do try my best to talk and interact with everyone.
However, this trip was different because my husband’s X-wife decided to go to the wake, the funeral, and then hung out at the grandfather’s house all day and night. I was very uncomfortable becuse she knew everyone and was flitting around like a butterfly, while I sat there watching everyone. Finally I asked my husband to leave the house, because i was about to cry. It really hurt my feelings that no one thought about how insensitive she was, and I couldn’t say anything without causing a commotion…
But the real issue is that my husband, my in-laws and she herself see nothing wring with this?! i am so hurt and angry… and confused. If she filed for divorce, why is it that she is still entitled to spend so much time with her x-husband and his family?
I need some advice. Right now I am considering divorcing my husband and letting her have him. i really don’t have the strength or desire to fight for a man who cannot stand up for me.
My boyfriend loves his son with all his heart and feels guilty for leaving him. He is almost 9 but he sees him every other weekend an 2 or 3 times a week. This is the problem, his ex never picks him up on time and changes weekends because she has things to do. Am I wrong for wanting to be informed of this decision? I don’t mean for him to ask me if it’s ok, just tell her that he needs to talk to me before making a decision. I feel like a horrible person for wanting to be included in these decisions. He says it’s not my concern and he makes the decisions concerning his child. Am I wrong? I feel like she does it sometimes just to let us know she is still in control and it makes me so mad. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please, someone tell me what to do, I don’t want to lose him but I can’t stand feeling like I’m a nobody anymore.
Hi! Ive been with my boyfriend 4.5 yrs, he is 50 and I am 47. Heis seperated for 15 yrs from his ex-wife. They have 3 grown sons. However I find she likes to keep her claws in- she still at times acts like he is still hers. Whenever something happens that involves the kids and something goes wrong- he gets ragged at. He is an alcoholic so hes not reliable and I try to understand things from her perspecitve as a parent (I am not a mother)…but it appears shes forming a wedge between us and it makes me feel second class. He missed a get together his son and girlfirend were having and the ex called and ripped his head off-and he seems to be so concerned that hes upset her whereas I am the one who missed out gettng to know his son as I only met him twice. I am the one who should be upset not her! She treats this son like a 5 yr old hes 26 now and the party didnt include her at all. It seems every time there is a get together its ruined somehow and I feel its her dong it. The first time I met his other son we took them for dinner at xmas and paid and not ven 1 day went by and someone made stuff up that there was an argument and they got upset-and it wasnt! Someone is also smearing my name as his sister at xmas also makes stuff up on me to make me look crazy! In the meantime his mom is dying and his dad said I could move in there but I dont know what Im up against with this ex- I saw she called multiple times frmo different lines to their phone and my boyfriend moved back in with his dad to help. She tells me about buondaries and she has never made any herself! She has a livein boyfriend for 6 years too and a great job. I want to email her to tell her to budout but I feel its not the right timing now wit his mom dying…its not right for sure..
This article assumes it is the ex who is “toxic” as opposed to the adultery partner who takes over the life the ex had and wishes the ex would disappear.
Guess what? If he is married, find someone who is not. You will never gain happiness out of a relationship based on deception, betrayal, lies and deceit.