How to Deal With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife – 6 Ways to Cope
How Do You Deal With When Your Husband's Ex-Wife?
Don’t let your husband’s ex-wife ruin your marriage! Read these tips on dealing with a toxic ex-wife so you can cope better.
“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb,” says relationship expert and author Barbara De Angelis. “It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.”
Part of loving your spouse is learning to cope with his first wife. That’s what these tips are all about: dealing with your husband’s toxic ex-wife before she destroys your marriage…
Read Remarriage Checkup: Tools to Help Your Marriage Last a Lifetime for help building a great second marriage.
How to Deal With Your Husband’s Ex-Wife
Get the ex-wife on your side – invite her for coffee
One of the best ways to build a healthy remarriage is to get your husband’s ex-wife on your side. I know this sounds outrageous, but think about calling her up, telling her you want the best for her kids, and asking if she can make time to meet you for an hour or so. Tell her you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Compliment her on how she’s raising them – she must have done something right over the years!
Let your husband’s ex-wife get to know you
You want to help her get to know who you are as a person. She’ll be less likely to criticize you if she knows you. It’s incredibly easy to criticize people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex-husband and her kids probably like you. Of course she’s an angry ex-wife – you’re succeeding in areas she “failed”). But, it’s more difficult to criticize people we know and love.
Tell your husband’s ex-wife what she did and does right
Is she a good mother? Does she have a super clean or well-decorated house? Focus on what she does well, and tell her how much you admire that trait. You’re not being a sycophant or brown noser; you’re focusing on the positive qualities of your husband’s ex-wife. That might soften her, make her less angry or negative. To build a better marriage, you might need to take the first step towards peace and friendship.
Read about dealing with difficult or toxic women
The more you learn about coping with angry, unreasonable people – and setting your boundaries – the better off you’ll be. Do whatever it takes to make your remarriage successful: attend workshops, read books with your husband, go to family counseling. Learn how to dial down your own angry, frustrated responses and how to get the most out of your new marriage. I know it’s difficult, frustrating, and even aggravating – but when your husband’s ex-wife causes marriage problems, you may have to bear the burden.
Leave your stepchildren out of your marriage problems
No matter how angry his ex-wife is, or how frustrated or hurt you are, don’t involve your husband’s kids in the problems. The kids are (probably) innocent bystanders – and you’d be better off focusing on connecting with your step children instead of involving them in adult marriage and remarriage problems.
Forgive your husband for his past marriage (and choice of ex-wife!)
If you think your husband made a bad marriage choice in the past, shake off your resentment or anger. He was a different person when he met and married his first wife – and so was she. He made the best decision he could, he fell in love, and he thought he was doing the right thing.
Don’t make him pay now for a decision he made years ago…that’ll just tear at the fabric of your marriage. Instead, accept him for who he is as a whole man – and that includes his first marriage and his angry ex-wife.
If you think your husband is part of the problem, read Secrets Husbands Keep From Their Wives.
Is your husband’s ex-wife causing marriage problems? It may help to tell your story below – you’ll see you’re not alone!
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Category: Remarriages
Some advise please …… What do I do with a husband who has started paying for his toxic ex-wife’s rent behind my back (again)? I have challenged him with this information however he blatantly denies paying rent of any kind, (although I have actual documented proof of these transactions). She has been absolute poison to our relationship over the last 7 years. She’s stooped to trying to manipulate her sons to poison them against me although they have seen right through her and they love me very much. She’s been through 6 boyfriends and one fiance, all of whom have left her over the years. I recently discovered that my husband and her text each other every day (their kids are 21 and 25 so there’s no need to discuss parenting tips). I now realise that I married a liar and I deeply regret it, especially after the hell his ex-wife has put me through throughout my relationship with him (and she still is). My relationship with my husband doesn’t seem to have been worth all the anguish I’ve been sujected to. Their interaction will never end will it? I need to get out of this relationship don’t I? I am an idiot.
I am in position where my partner had to take his ex to court to have proper acces to his youngest daughter and i stupidly agreed to collecting her 7 year old from her for visits so she can see her father. Five years on i regret that i ever got involved as the ex still insists on passing messages through me and still has nothing to do with the child father who still cannot collect his own daughter from her mother ! All the ex tries to do critisise and attempts to belittle both of us over petty things and it makes me laugh why she can,t just get on with her life and let my partner just be a loving father to his little girl. Is any one else in this position and i wonder if the ex will always be like this. Even after all these years neither of us have given her a reaction but i wonder should we react or just countinue to ignore her comments. Would a reaction be what she wants to think that she is causing trouble between us ? I would be grateful for any suggestions!!
i would like to comment on this. i am with a guy who was married to a lady for twelve years and just this last time was told by the oldest that i was not family and yet i live with him and the kids come here every second weekend. i have totally adjusted my life around him and his kids and i hear other things back through her friends and also others around the town (they live in the same town). she rules everything to do with also our lives and frankly i have had enough of the crap. i love my partner but i just wish his ex would get a life and stop intervering and taking over. she is involving her children in part of the divorce and i don’t think kids should be involved at all as it is not their issue. the one i had previously trouble with has now settled down and the oldest seems to be the problem now. so sick of the same crap but glad i am not alone in all of this
I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships – brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores – Kindle or paperback!
Marie,
Thank you for the insight! We did change her cell, we talked about it and she is understanding what is “within my realm” and what is all hers in dealing with her ex.
Gina,
I am glad you gave the ex wife’s point of view. I think this will actually help me a lot. I get that his family still exists. To complicate matters his ex is best friends with his sisters. I know his sisters from our teen years and I have to be honest when I say sometimes I feel so excluded… and it is because I am. I just have to let that go and still figure out where I fit into the scheme of things. I have not yet felt like I fit in at all and maybe you are right, the best I can hope for is to be the “intimate outsider in the old family”. I feel most of that old family would prefer I not be with him (excluding his kids, both adults, who have made me feel quite welcome). The ex and extended family like the way things were. If all I will ever be is an intimate outsider in the old family, no wonder I am not anxious to go to his family gatherings. I am more interested in starting new traditions with him and moving forward with a life with him. Intimate and outsider are opposites… no wonder there is a problem. I am with him now, everyone needs to help the ex get over it, accept the change and play nice. By the way, she left him… she was the one having the affair!!!! Recently the three of us had a talk to try and figure out how to co exist nicely at family holiday functions. When I didn’t agree with all she suggested, she stamped her foot, hands on her hips, said, I don’t like you and f*** you! I sucked it up for the kids and my b/f, too a Xanax and went to the holiday function. Perhaps things will get better but it takes effort on both sides. This much I know is true. Good luck!
Michael,
You are not responsible for what another person says to your lady. If her ex said it in front of you, that might be another issue but it was in a text? She does not have to read his texts. If he writes filth like that in texts, don’t read them. End of story. She is being unreasonable in asking you to confront him…. that is her job, if she doesn’t like what he says “to her’. Best thing she could do is not read his texts… maybe even change her mobile phone number. She needs to take some responsibility for herself and set some boundaries with him!!! You cannot do that for her. As her partner your job is to support her and help her but you can’t do the work for her. Maybe the two of you could benefit from a few sessions of counseling, if you really care about her. She needs to hear that she needs to set her boundaries, from someone else.
Recently my b/f’s ex told me she didn’t like me and f*** you!, while the three of us were trying to have a talk about “family” and I wasn’t agreeing with all her points. My b/f did nothing out of the ordinary… he just said hey hey hey lets keep it civil. It was all I could do to keep from laughing in her face. Such a childish and inappropriate thing to say when you are attempting to mend fences. Their children are grown up… so there are not the issues of visitation or child support… just holidays and acting like adults. We did discuss with her “boundaries” and there is to be no more touching…. she was becoming passive aggressive in the hug, poke, flick which progressed to kissing him… which she denied. He set her straight on that… Yes you did kiss me and stop the touching. She has gotten the message thus far.
I just read I Hate His/Her Ex by Alex Cooper. You can get it on Amazon or other bookstores. It helped me to deal with so many issues that I had with my fiance’s ex – who I really hated!! Now, my relationship is perfect
xxx
My ex married his 18-year younger affair partner. The new wife objects to his relationship with our three children (which has now dissipated) as well as to every cent the law requires this man to provide as child support (which he fights and delays every month). She called me on her birthday one year to advise me that my “greed” deprived her of the engagement ring my ex promised her. She demeans my appearance and any other aspect of my life to my children and has rebuffed every effort to resolve the conflict she feels exists between her and I. I found this article to be naive, harmful and unsupportable: the affair partner who ultimately destroys a marriage and family is not “succeeding in areas [the ex-wife] “failed.” My ex-husband must certainly shoulder his responsibility for breaching his vows to me and I accept that I was not perfect either, but the woman has no right to sell her tired lines (“You deserve to be happy,” “I’d take better care of you than your wife,” “Children are resilient – they’ll get over it”) to a man who has those obligations. In my case, discovery of the affair was a complete shock – and now it is as if my ex has rewritten the entire history of our marriage to justify his unhappiness – unhappiness that he was apparently unaware of and never expressed until his mistress came into the picture. I hope their marriage makes it – I don’t want a parade of women coming into and out of my children’s lives. But the affair was my ex’s and his mistress’ failure – his insecurity and narcissism serviced by her immorality and greed – not mine. P.S. Children do NOT get over it, nor does the hurt of betrayal ever completely go away. One can only hope the new wife is worth everything the man gave up to have her.
So I am an ex-wife, I and I have to say that I think you all are foolish. My ex wife/girlfriend, who had a huge public ( they got caught having sex in her office and my bed) affair – seems surprised that I don’t like her and don’t want to talk to her. She tells me she prays for me and hopes we can move past everything for the sake of my children. I am not really interested in moving past it – I am interested in not having to see hear or deal with her.
The majority of the drama in my life would be avoided if she would hand the phone to person I was calling and but out. I don’t want my ex back, I just don’t want to negotiate or deal with the person who I did not have kids with – however all of that gets viewed as ” not accepting their relationship” or being controlling and toxic . The best description of a new wife or second wife I ever heard ( I have a wonderful stepmother ) is a intimate outsider in the old family. You all married folks who already had made a family – the fact it did not work out does not unmake the family – it just changes and grows, but you might want to think about how the ruptures in the original family were complicated and become a wee bit more humble – and we bit more willing to see how both you and your husbands may also be toxic to that terrible ex wife
Different Angle in dealing with a toxic ex….
My girlfriend is upset that I did not confront her ex after he called her a “C*NT” via text! I am beside myself because at first I thought of having a “man to man” conversation with him. As I thought the scenario through, I figured it would more than likely lead to a physical altercation and end up with me in jail. Now she is resentful and we have verbally fought and I am on the brink of leaving the relationship because she expected me to confront him. I ALSO HAVE A TOXIC EX, however, I NEVER include her in the horrible things that my ex has to say and figure that I can simply ignore her insults and deal with her only as needed regarding our children.
For some reason I feel as if I need to know I was right; even though we all perpetuate our own take of reality and what is “right”.
She believes I am a lesser man and that she can only “count on herself”… she blames me for allowing him to disrespect her, and my feelings are that she needs to handle her ex by establishing boundaries and if needed, getting a restraining order. I just know that the scenario would not have been a good one as we are both prior service and I feel he is mentally unstable (he has been diagnosed with PTSD).
Any insight on this would be GREATLY APPRECIATED.
Faith… the grandchild had added a whole new dimension. We are nuts for him and see him a lot. Apparently the baby isn’t crazy about his “Nana” just now and that must make her even more insecure and jealous. Hopefully this will pass as the he grows into a tot. No one has addressed my name for this baby’s to call me… it is awkward. The good thing is that children often call you what they want… some darling nickname that sticks. I could not love him more if he were my own.
Amanda, professional counseling with X wife might be helpful. It is so immature to draw a child into the mix… she is just showing how low she is. I had a lot of counseling before my divorce and some since. It helps a lot.
Elizabeth, take Sarah’s advice. Stay away from her. She is toxic. You will never win with her. Be proud and confident that your tried.
Sandy I agree, my boyfriend needs to step up and define the boundary for his X wife, since she cannot seem to understand that pawing at him is not appropriate. I am sure she is doing it for my benefit… but it doesn’t matter. It is inappropriate.
I would like to hear from an X wife too. I think it would be interesting and enlightening.
I am the new kid on the block. My boyfriend and I grew up together and after each of us divorced, we reconnected. We are not married, yet. I relocated after a year of the long distance thing… left my community, grown kids, job, friends to be with him. I do not regret this move but I do miss seeing my kids. It has been three years.
The X wife is friends with his sisters… which I find amazing since she had an affair and left their brother with two boys 13 and 15… did not want the responsibility of the boys or the house!!! Did not pay child support!!! He was always Mr. Mom — did it all, cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry — you name it. Her affair did not work out for her and she has been single ever since… almost 17 years now!! So the X is not happy about me being here and his sisters rally around her. This hurts and saddens me a lot because I feel I have been marginalized by his family… something I was not expecting. They are toxic in that respect and I am keeping my distance outside of family functions. The X has always attended all family functions, weddings, funerals, holidays, birthdays — you name it. She was used to having her X be her “holiday husband” — someone to hang with at these functions. I am told she attended everything at his home… a sister would call and ask if the X could come and he always said he didn’t care… nice for the boys. She on the other hand rarely invited him to any functions she held at her home. Getting the picture?
I tried. I decided when I first arrived, what did I have to loose. However, she avoided functions where we would be for 5 months! Finally she had to attend a party and we were introduced… but not before she turned her back and tried to get lost in a group of people! Not a good sign. I have hugged the X after a bridal shower, was polite to her at their son’s wedding, I endured her over a long weekend of his family’s reunion (never again!!!), we invited her to a halloween party at our home last year to celebrate the coming of a grandchild, I invited her to Thanksgiving dinner. She had a brunch after the baby was born, invited everyone who was at our party — except us. I have never been “not nice”. However, I am finished with her. No invite to our house this year for the second annual halloween party at our home, no invite to Thanksgiving and she is furious. On facebook recently, when I replied to a thread her daughter-in-law started, she commented: “M – I have been wanting to say this to you since I first met you,”shut up” ” This was totally uncalled for and I received many private messages from the d-i-l’s family/friends saying that what the X said was inappropriate and that my reply to the d-i-l was supportive. What the X really wants is for me to leave town so her life can resume as it was before I arrived… but I am going no where.
Something else I might add is that during the past 2 years her behavior, when around us, has become passive aggressive. It started with her just about flying off her stool to rush into his arms for a big hug. He hugs everyone. Then it proceeded to poking him in the belly or flicking at him with her thumb and forefinger and bobbling her head back and forth. The last time we saw her 6 months ago… she snuck up on him from the side, bent down (he was sitting) and kissed him on the mouth. I think that qualifies as purely aggressive!! lol We have decided to tell her, together, that her behavior is in appropriate and disrespectful to us as a couple. I have mentioned to him that his body language has to now say more… as in no smile for her and crossed arms and even backing up and saying “what are you doing?”. He loves his boys and doesn’t want to make waves — but enough is enough.
The good thing for us is that our children are adults now and we all get along very well. They are good to her and respectful. They do, however have her number… she is jealous.
I agree with Sarah, stay far away from toxic people. “Toxic people will never change, they will only try and bring everyone else around down with them.” I will still have to see the X and his sisters at some family functions but we are not responsible for the X’s happiness or her social calenda or holiday agenda. Amen. Whew. Do I feel better!!!
Agree that everyone seems to be making the ex and the new women the problems, when most of the time it’s the husband not stepping up and making boundaries for everyone involved. It is not always a toxic ex wife or toxic new partner, just the fact that there seems to be no boundaries between the adults.
The children are used between all for information, spying and retaliation of love ! They are the ones torn between this all and must find it confusing.
I was a teenager when my parents split, and sided with my mother, but I was wrong, my mothers hatred to new partner was total jealously of wondering why my dad left her, when she loved him so much.
It is not until now that I see my dad is happy and loves his second wife and I have moved on myself from my mother’s point of view and have made my own over the years of this woman.
I now am in the same situation where I have a new partner with an ex and 3 daughters, the ex has done nothing but has had drama after drama and emotionally influenced the girls on us as a couple. She has turned them on their own father and made it that there are no visitations to us at all. Only their dad visiting them when it suits her and the girls.
I now have the feeling that there are 3 more girls in this world that feel like I did when younger and that they will grow up and realise that mum was wrong, not in all ways, but to play the game of emotional blackmail on children against their dad’s happiness.
To all, I ask of ex wives and new partners and dads, please don’t play games, be very truthful to each other and especially your children, you are the adults, so whatever your choices in life are, do not use your children to climb the ladder of love. Because there isn’t one. Love is not earnt or required to be biological, it is just there because you all care for the same cause, which is everyone’s happiness and that the children are the happiest they can be in all the mess created by parents.
I do not have the best relationship or any really with my partners ex, as that is how she wants it, she has daily contact with my partner, which is something I don’t like, but I am learning to live with it, as sometimes people can not live together, but they can’t say goodbye either.
Love is pain no matter what kind of love you have ! I have tried to find true love and a trusting one and that’s all I can do, so I just have to see if my new partner can cope with us all and give me the love back I deserve. If not, then it’s my decision to walk away from something I can’t live with, it’s not about the ex or his kids, it’s about how each person can deal with things and learn to live a life with those guidelines, one way or the other !
I am hoping for the best for myself and wish everyone could see that everyone has something in common with defactor, new husbands/wives or their ex’s and that is CHILDREN…. nothing else just their happiness first.
I actually spent the last 12 years being her friend, letting her get to know me, inviting her into our home, including her in family events. What I have learned though is that when it comes to toxic people, it is best to keep them far away. Focus on your relationship with the kids and not the “mom”. After all the work put into this emotinally draining relationship, nothing has come of it other than headaches, heartaches, stress and currently a bad relationship with my eldest stepchild. My advise, don’t kiss her butt and do your best to keep her out of your home and at a very long arms length!!! Toxic people will never change, they will only try and bring everyone else around down with them.
Well the topic is toxic ex wife..not toxic ex husband. Everyone has a different senario. My personal dealings are with a manipulative ex wife. My husband does his best he’s a good man. Having kids makes it difficult because they love there Mother or course she has custody of course so they are torn in the middle. Plus living interstate makes it harder for them and dad. But she has them gather personal info about us. If we do anything its like she has to compete and be better..she had made it quite clear she was not getting married ever again and her new partner agreed..then once we did 12 mths later they did. When we moved house his daughter said mum wanted to know if we were renting or buying and wanted photos of the house to show her. We have made plans to buy a house in the next few years and his daughter said Mum is planning to move to a nicer place in 12 mths too. This was after his daughter heard us disscussing it. Years ago when she would call to speak to them when visiting us, I caught a conversation where things were being discussed and shared like “No yes answers the whole conversation like talking in code!And his daughter had a very serious facial expression the most of the conversation. Kids are not meant to be spys for the mother. What is going on? But if the kids go through anything troubling at home its all secrets. My husband cant know any fine details about them to help them be there as a DAD. My husband when talking to his 11 yr old daughter about personal things she might be struggling with,if it gets too deep or detailed.. she says Im not aloud to say more Daddy. I just get the feeling she is competing with my husband I dont understand why as he is a good father. He really tries his hardest to put the kids 1st for the sake of love and nothing more.
Anyway its all about being kind to the kids as they are stuck in the middle. But some days its so hard. I just cry to let out the frustration. Must be hard on my husband thats for sure.
Liked the article and the other comments. I can only say that my husbands’ ex-wife ended up being a handful. For several years I tried to be kind; but I made a serious mistake after she wrote some letters to me to reply back to her. My husband passed away in 2003 and though the ex-wife didn’t travel to where we live in another state, the children from the first marriage did come. My husband said before he died that he didn’t want his oldest son to be told that he was terminally ill and he didn’t want us to allow him to attend the funeral. Well, I asked him to reconsider his request even though the son coming to the funeral was going to cause some problems. He was told that his father had passed away and he came to the funeral. Nothing bad happened at the funeral; but he did get my youngest daughter to slip him one of our laptop computers – so he did disrupt our household a little bit; but at least we allowed him to attend the funeral.
Being a stepparent is great. I would have loved it even more had my husband been able to break down the barriers and get his ex-wife to be more open.
My story is water over the dam now; but believe it or not, I still hear stories every now and then that the ex-wife criticizes me. I guess it is just some peoples nature to pick others apart. Her picking me apart though, didn’t help the step-kids respect me. I did the best I could.
Is this where I would go to share my story and seek advise? I have a semi strange situation, that seems almost impossible to settle no matter how hard I try. I just want my step son to be left out of it, and she keeps pulling him in as a “bargining tool” as u will. I’ve tried everything to keep the peace.. and now I’m at all loss. Where do I go for advise?
My husband divorced over 8 years ago. However remains partners in a business with the ex. We were married 2 yrs ago. For some reason she has never liked me or treated me with respect. I have no problem with e-mails and phone calls pertaining to the business they own. But, she always seems to put personal information in. For instance, that she had a nice week end, or asked him to say hello to his cousins. In addition, its not just an occasional e-mail. I have seen 15 emails in one day each with a single topic. And they come in within minutes of each other. Also she used to text everyday until my husband told her she needs to just put it in email form. And there are phone calls about things that don’t need an immidiate answer! She attends his families events and takes over the place. I once invited her over so that she could celebrate my husbands mothers birthday (His mother had lived with us toward the end of her life)When the ex arrived she did not say hello, would not look at me. She has spread rumors about me and recently criticized a dress I wore to their daughter’s wedding, saying it was white when in fact it was off white with a floral pattern. She is in a sorority with a bunch of other gossipy women in a small town and apparently I am still a hot topic. Everything she says is backed up by their 28 year old only daughter who also never liked me. My husband has repeatedly told the ex to keep it business and to stay out of our personal life. She is either really slow or is doing it on purpose. I was thinking of writing to her but someone told me not to put anything in writing as she will find some way to use it against me. I try not to let it bother me but it’s just really frustrating. My husband and I are wonderful together! Very Happy, but this is probably the only thing that bothers us. I dont want to be rude to her but I don’t know how else to get our point across! Should I write her?
For Elizabeth…. I think that there is only so much you can do. If she doesn’t want to meet with you then maybe she is intimidated by you? She may just be closed minded. Just say hello, and smile. You can’t change someone else’s behavior. Maybe she will come around. Best wishes to you.
I think this is a good article. I don’t agree with the powerless comment. It’s really all in how you view it. Think of this as a tip to almost giving you the upper hand. Most people have a positive side. Soceity can tend to focus on the negativity of a person. I am a woman and my friends and I have picked apart another persons flaws before. It’s not right, yet it does happen. I think its a process of rethinking. Why not make things easier? Why not have less stress on your new marriage and with the kids? It makes sense. It doesn’t at all mean that your opinion shouldn’t count or that you don’t have the right to speak up on an issue. Being honest is best. Learning to extend the hand and be the better person can be hard, but it is worth a chance, isn’t it?
What if you have tried multiple times to meet with the ex and she won’t meet with you?
On the contrary, I think the new wives are very powerful…but they need to figure out the best way to cope with their husband’s toxic ex-wives! The trick is finding the right trick. I don’t think an article on coping with ex-wives can cover all the possible options…but it is a starting point.
I’m glad to hear from an ex-wife. I should write an article on coping with toxic new wives, shouldn’t I?
Why the x wife, sounds a little bitter in it self. Also sounds like the new wife is tip toeing around the husband. My ex husband was a player and has been spiteful twisted to me, his new partner seems nice, my resentment does not lie with his partner god help her, its with him. I think you need to work on this article, your making the man seem powerful and the women are in the wrong