Here’s what to do when you feel neglected and lonely in your relationship, and when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you anymore.
These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment: “I am always lonely, and I complain to him,” says D on When Your Partner is Depressed. “He says he understands that I need to give him time and we both need to weather the storm together. It’s been five months, and I’m lonely and confused. Is he not interested in me anymore? What do I do?”
You can focus on him and your relationship, or you can focus on you. If you want to focus on him, read books like How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less. But I think your boyfriend is already in love with you…it’s just that he is prioritizing things above you. He’s not making time for you, right?
Here are a few things you can to do get his attention…
When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You
Here’s the rest of my reader’s comment: “My first love and I got back together after 12 years apart,” says D. “We are in our 30s. We ran into each other eight months ago and were excited to get back together. He had made so much money, and he kept saying he needs someone to talk to and to arrange his life.”
It’s good that he knows what he needs out of the relationship…now you need to figure out what you need! He’s clear on what he wants, and how much time he’s willing to invest. You need to get clear on what type of love relationship – and, eventually, marriage — you want. You have the power to control your future. It’s up to you to take the reins, and rise above your yearnings and “but I want and wish….” You need to put your emotions (“I want to be married, I want him to love me, I want to start a family”) behind your intellect (“Is this the man I should marry? Will he be there for me and my kids? Is he financially stable?”).
If you think you want to marry him, read Questions to Ask Before Getting Married – From Sex to Chores. It’ll help you figure out if he’s the right man for you. Be honest with yourself when you know your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. It shows his priorities.
Decide if you want him as he is right now. Don’t hope and expect him to change, because he won’t. If he’s immersed in his work, friends, hobbies, or goals right now, then he probably will be for the rest of his life. If you want this relationship to work, you need to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, and he likely won’t have time for you after you get married, settle into a house, and have kids together.
You need to accept him for who he is right now. If you feel like your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you, read Making Relationships Work – How Far Should You Go?
Voice your concerns about and wishes for your relationship – once. Tell him how it makes you feel when he spends all his time working, hanging out with friends, or working on his car. Say something like, “I feel ____ and _____ when you don’t spend time with me. My ideal relationship would involve us spending X amount of time together.”
Ask him how much time he can reasonably commit to your relationship. One date a week? Two hours a month?
Don’t initiate this conversation more than once. It doesn’t help to keep telling him you are lonely, confused, and frustrated because he doesn’t have time for you. Trust me: he heard you the first time.
Remember that all relationships go through ups and downs. D says, “The project that he spent all his money failed, and he banked on another. That failed, too. It’s been five months since the misfortune, and my once beautiful relationship is now a shadow of itself. He doesn’t give me attention anymore, and does not let me visit, although he pays me surprise visits at intervals. He said he wants to be left alone, as he is working tirelessly to get back on his feet.”
Many men see their value and self-worth in their work and finances. Some don’t want to embark on a committed love relationship until their professional life is stable and even prosperous. Others can’t focus on both work and love. They simply need to focus on one aspect of life at a time. If your boyfriend doesn’t have enough time for you because of his work commitments, you need to decide if this is simply a stage in your relationship or if it’s part of his personality. If he’s a workaholic, he’ll never be at the point where he can ease up on his job.
For more tips on living with men who are consumed with work, read When Your Husband’s Job Takes Priority Over Your Marriage.
Create a life outside your relationship when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. This is the most important – and the most fun – thing to do when your boyfriend doesn’t spend enough time with you: create your own interesting, fulfilling, exciting life! If you want tips on creating the life of your dreams, let me know. I’ll write an article.
Do not let your love relationship consume your self-identity. For your sake and for your relationship’s sake – and for your kids if you have them – you need to create your own life and identity outside of your relationship.
What do you think – does your boyfriend have time for everything and everyone but you? Comments welcome below…I can’t tell you why your boyfriend isn’t spending time with you, but writing might help you figure things out.
I'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.