When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You

Here’s what to do when you feel neglected and lonely in your relationship, and when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you anymore. You don’t want to nag him, but you do need to make him aware of how his neglect is affecting you.

When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for YouIn Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve, Matthew Hussey describes how to land a first date, establish emotional intimacy, and find lasting love. You won’t just attract the right guy, you’ll start to understand how men think and what they’re looking for. Attracting the right guy is about being confident in who you are and the value you bring to the table – so you can find a guy who’s as great of a catch as you are!

These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment: “I am always lonely, and I complain to him,” says D on When Your Partner is Depressed. “He says he understands that I need to give him time and we both need to weather the storm together. It’s been five months, and I’m lonely and confused. Is he not interested in me anymore? What do I do?”

You can focus on him and your relationship, or you can focus on you. If you want to focus on him, read books like How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less. But I think your boyfriend is already in love with you…it’s just that he is prioritizing things above you. He’s not making time for you, right?




Here are a few things you can to do get his attention…

What to Do When He Doesn’t Have Time for You

Here’s the rest of my reader’s comment: “My first love and I got back together after 12 years apart,” says D. “We are in our 30s. We ran into each other eight months ago and were excited to get back together. He had made so much money, and he kept saying he needs someone to talk to and to arrange his life.”

Figure out what you need out of your relationship

He’s clear on what he wants, and how much time he’s willing to invest. You need to get clear on what type of love relationship – and, eventually, marriage — you want. You have the power to control your future. It’s up to you to take the reins, and rise above your yearnings and “but I want and wish….” You need to put your emotions (“I want to be married, I want him to love me, I want to start a family”) behind your intellect (“Is this the man I should marry? Will he be there for me and my kids? Is he financially stable?”).

If you think you want to marry him, read Questions to Ask Before Getting Married – From Sex to Chores. It’ll help you figure out if he’s the right man for you. Be honest with yourself when you know your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. It shows his priorities.

Decide if you want him as he is right now

Don’t hope and expect him to change, because he won’t. If he’s immersed in his work, friends, hobbies, or goals right now, then he probably will be for the rest of his life. If you want this relationship to work, you need to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, and he likely won’t have time for you after you get married, settle into a house, and have kids together.

You need to accept him for who he is right now. If you feel like your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you, read Making Relationships Work – How Far Should You Go?

Voice your concerns about and wishes for your relationship – once

Tell him how it makes you feel when he spends all his time working, hanging out with friends, or working on his car. Say something like, “I feel ____ and _____ when you don’t spend time with me. My ideal relationship would involve us spending X amount of time together.”

Ask him how much time he can reasonably commit to your relationship. One date a week? Two hours a month?

Don’t initiate this conversation more than once. It doesn’t help to keep telling him you are lonely, confused, and frustrated because he doesn’t have time for you. Trust me: he heard you the first time.

Remember that all relationships go through ups and downs

D says, “The project that he spent all his money failed, and he banked on another. That failed, too. It’s been five months since the misfortune, and my once beautiful relationship is now a shadow of itself. He doesn’t give me attention anymore, and does not let me visit, although he pays me surprise visits at intervals. He said he wants to be left alone, as he is working tirelessly to get back on his feet.”

When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You

When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You

Many men see their value and self-worth in their work and finances. Some don’t want to embark on a committed love relationship until their professional life is stable and even prosperous. Others can’t focus on both work and love. They simply need to focus on one aspect of life at a time. If your boyfriend doesn’t have enough time for you because of his work commitments, you need to decide if this is simply a stage in your relationship or if it’s part of his personality. If he’s a workaholic, he’ll never be at the point where he can ease up on his job.

For more tips on living with men who are consumed with work, read When Your Husband’s Job Takes Priority Over Your Marriage.

Create a life outside your relationship when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you

This is the most important – and the most fun – thing to do when your boyfriend doesn’t spend enough time with you: create your own interesting, fulfilling, exciting life! If you want tips on creating the life of your dreams, let me know. I’ll write an article.

Do not let your love relationship consume your self-identity

For your sake and for your relationship’s sake – and for your kids if you have them – you need to create your own life and identity outside of your relationship. You can’t let your identity get wrapped up in him or his life, or you’ll lose yourself.

What do you think – does your boyfriend have time for everything and everyone but you? If you think it’s a sign of how he feels about you, read How to Decide When to Leave a Relationship.

I welcome your comments welcome below…I can’t give you relationship advice or tell you why your boyfriend isn’t spending time with you, but writing might help you figure things out.


Do you need relationship help? I can't offer advice, but you can get FREE advice and a FREE marriage assessment from marriage coach Mort Fertel. No strings attached!


May your relationship be filled with love, forgiveness, and commitment.

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19 Responses

  1. Stefani duty says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half and we have lived together for a little over a year now.. I’m pregnant with his baby and I’m so concerned because I feel like he’s making no effort at all in this relationship. I have told him several times how I feel neglected, stressed, and just down right depressed because not only does he ever spend time with me… He doesn’t commit to his promises either. Every time he says he will spare the day for me, something always comes up in preventing him from doing so. I feel like he doesn’t even notice how it effects me. If he does notice, then maybe hE just doesn’t care as much as he says he does. I love him so much and I want this to work, but my friends and family all have noticed how miserable I am lately. I basically have no one but him, since I’ve moved so far from my family. It’s so hard to make the right decision, especially since there’s a baby along the way. I feel awful for thinking about leaving him, but sometimes I feel that there’s no better choice. Talking to him seems to be making no difference…

  2. Zusiphe says:

    Hello! I’m in dis relationship for eight months the first time we met he was giving me more attention to have him all the time, we used to be together every weekend but lately he changed I don’t know why he can’t even call o text me I’m de one who start conversation when I asked him why he can’t spend time with me he says” he’s busy” I mean everyday ubusy why??? but I don’t get full xplanation… I need advice please or maybe he’s tired of being in love with me I don’t know really

  3. mudra says:

    We were in a good relation for one year and half ..but lately wen we have gone to different states for the last 2 months.. My boyfriend is behaving too weird..for some days he turned abusive and after too many fights he tried understanding but that changed to him making fun or laughing at any important thing i spoke on our relationship.. He hardly calls me unless i do ..he s too busy with friends..I feel like a despo calling him all the Time..i want attention .love. Importance but nothing is working, he says he vl try but in vain.. I dont see any change.. I hv tried tellin him all my problems but nothing has actually worked..now i seriously duno what to do..he says he loves me but i truly feel they are mere words..please help

    • Melissa says:

      Shalom Mundra,

      It seems to me you may be caught up in an abusive relationship and having been in one the most important thing to know is that you can’t fix or change him. That is always going to be way beyond you. I tried for seven years. In abusive relationships the abuser always has a very twisted idea of love. When I left mine I had many things to work on and I made sure I had support through a local organization and friends. I hope the best for you and that you put yourself before him.

  4. Samantha says:

    Hello
    I started dating this guy for 6 months and in the beginning it was really good but because he’s working so much I really lost interest but still like him a lot I understand we all have our lives but lately he doesn’t even have time to text or call or even see me . I feel like I need something more I just don’t know what to do I’ve discussed him about this more than I can count but it’s still the same and he replies back with im so busy with work but I try. I mean he always does start the conversation and sometimes I even tried ignoring him because I thought maybe that would be easier but it makes me more sad and he ends up calling me and asking why I’m ignoring him I know he likes me but i dont know if he likes me as much as I do sometimes I feel like I should just end it but than I think okay I know he’s working a lot and I have to understand that about him but it’s like he can’t even see me I don’t know if I get more sad that he doesn’t have time for me or I get more sad if we end it I NEED HELP! Should I end it and find some one that does have time for me or keep going and see if things would change ? He is a good guy doesn’t party is loyal but I just don’t know anymore like I should discuss again how I feel or just let it be ? I would love to have a reply back and get suggestions I just get more drained inside knowing that we don’t communicate that often anymore but than I also get drained if we ended it

    • Meghan says:

      Hi Samantha, I am in the same exact situation. I talked to my best friend about it and she says that my bf definitely cares for me and wants to have a great future with me with a good job so he may be busy for now, but later he might not. But then my selfish side kicks in and I imagine how I’m supposed to deal with days, months, or maybe even years of no attention from him…It’s not so selfish actually, just very human of me and I have no idea what to do about it. Right now, we are on break, but he texts me everyday asking what I’m doing several times a day. I just wish I could see him more and have more from him. Please let me know how your situation is going because reading your story made me feel a little better and that I’m not being selfish by asking for too much. It’s what we do:)

      • Samantha says:

        Hi Meghan,
        Omg reading your response is making me feel better knowing too I’m not the only one we are on a break but he has been trying to contact me but it’s like I don’t know what to do because i haven’t replied because I’m so confused you know? All of my friends are telling me don’t talk to him because it’s just gonna be the same thing but it’s like I know I need to make my own decisions! But it’s hard ! Cause I wana reply back so bad but I don’t wana her hurt and keep waiting on him again and Because he told me he doesn’t have time and stuff but yet he tries to contact me and he actually sended me a long text to talk about us and I haven’t responded and actually right after that text he posted something on IG that I know it’s about us and he wrote “I guess that’s how it’s suppose to be “with a girl and boy separating as the post but how can he tell me he doesn’t have time when I know he doesn’t and told me he wants to work on it and he’s trieing but it’s not enough for me cause we don’t see each other for weeks I just don’t understand and before when we started going on a break we were on the phone and I told him I don’t wana keep waiting on us and he said well I don’t wana keep you waiting and hung up on me and I haven’t been calling or texting him back so now he’s trying to contact me but it’s like I’m hurt and confused and I told him I’m not gonna keep going with us if it’s not gonna lead to anything more I can’t just do the simple text thing and only text each other sometimes that’s not enough for me we’re girls we know what we want and if it’s not what we want we try to move forward of course I still like him sometime I wonder if I should talk to him and talk about us and I have more than. I can count and it’s the same thing idk what to do anymore I need advice if I should just move on with some one who has time for me or work it out but I have been trying to and nothing working just heartbreaking but good luck on your relationship!

  5. lin says:

    My fiance and I have been together 4 years this July. Everything was great until about 3 months ago. He always seems to bust for me now. He’s not working anymore hours or have any new hobbies. He just Is too tired to go together or just makes sure he is busy. I mentioned it to him 6 weeks ago. “can we please go out alone as a couple just you and I. I like to spend time with you as a couple and it makes me feel appreciated ” ever since, when ever he’s got time off work he bring she’s daughter up for the whole week !! So we don’t get any time together , then when she’s not around he insists on inviting his male friend to stay for the whole week, just this week we have Thursday night off together so I left a polite note on the calendar about perhaps we could go out sometime the end of this week. Well he invites 2 of his friends to the cinema and then texts me to ask ” me and hhh and ggg are going to the cinema do you want to come with us?”
    Granted he thought I might like to go but I want to spend time with just is two as we haven’t for 6 weeks. I have tried explaining it bit it’s like he doesn’t listen. I hate nagging and being unhappy with him. I’m just so unhappy with the relationship and tired of trying to fix it on my own. He makes no effort to keep me happy I feel. It’s very important to me for us to spend alone time together , even just curled up on the sofa. It makes me feel loved and that he thinks about me. Time costs nothing yet you would swear I’m asking for gold !! His response when I ask why we don’t spend time alone. ” well you know I have my kid most of the week, I hardly see said kid when I’m working” ( single father, so I know it’s difficult for him) but he hasn’t got her 24-7 as his folks have her a few days for him too when he’s working or got other stuff to do.
    My whinge basically is because he always manages to dump his kid when he wants to go cinema with mates or the pub etc but won’t dump.his kid to spend time with me once a fortnight. It’s not like I want to go out every night. Don’t see the difference when he manages to dump his kid to go with his mates but won’t do same for me. He’s 43 I’m 28 . I’m feeling like I should leave and fond someone who appreciate me and wants to spend time with me. We can go weeks without sex too. Down to the fact that I don’t feel like having sex with Him because he doesn’t spend any positive time with me alone .

  6. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how it feels when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. If you and he have very different personalities, then the issue goes beyond how much time you spend together as a couple.

    I really appreciate the courage it takes to share how you feel, especially in writing. It’s not easy to admit that you’re having relationship problems. Writing about them makes them more real, and forces you to accept that something needs to change.

    My prayer is that you find strength, courage, and hope in your relationship. May you know what parts of your relationship can be changed, and what parts won’t change no matter how hard you try (you can’t change your boyfriend).

    May you learn what you can live with, and what you have to accept. And, may you become spiritually and emotionally healthy so you can see your relationship and your boyfriend clearly. I pray for wisdom and guidance as you decide how to move forward in your life!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  7. Anna says:

    Hello.
    Yes, writing about relationship problems might help.
    I enjoyed this article and I even copied parts of the text to be able to read them later.

    My relationship of 2.5 years was always challenging. But mostly because of my fears as this is the first long-term relationship I have.
    He is sometimes great and fascinating but sometimes hard to talk to. Our biggest problem is the communication and lack of time spent together.
    He works from Monday to Friday, I am a freelance writer. We don’t see each other until the weekend comes (he needs space) but, sometimes, even when we’re together, he still finds some things to do and occupy his time with. He cares about me as he told me and I do, too.
    However, he told me he is a reclusive and doesn’t know how to relate to the others. He doesn’t have close friends, while I have-I know how to talk to the others and human relationships fascinate me. So, in this sense we are very different.
    Because of this difference, it’s very hard to relate to him-he never opens up, he does not want to show his emotions. When I open up (crying or worrying) he doesn’t understand it.
    However, we have meaningful discussions together-something I never had with another man. We are connected very strongly at a mental level but it’s not enough.
    Thank you for listening. (it wasn’t easy to write this)

  8. Bridget says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years and have known each other for 15 years. We have just about the closest to perfect relationship that I can imagine. However, he has 3 jobs, many friends, and we are somewhat long distance. I work only part time and am not busy. His schedule has become more hectic and while I know without a doubt that he loves me, I can’t help but feel lonely. I’ve already told him and I see the efforts he’s made but I still get feelings of resentment when I know that it’s irrational. Please help!

  9. Jen Peñafiel says:

    It happens to me all the time I feel like my boyfriend don’t want to spent longer time with me. But I can tell how supportive he is in my life and I know he loves me what makes me upset is when he talk to me then say “I have to go or I’m starving” and saying talk to you later. Then I waited for how many hours just to talk to him again.and after he message me his already tired and want to go to bed,I felt like I’m always neglected by him. But I love him so much more than anybody cause he is the only person accept me as what I am. Can anybody advice me? Maybe I’m just over reacted. Thanks

  10. Laurie says:

    Hello Ruth,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how it feels when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you….but he has time for other people. It sounds like you want things to be the way they were so badly that you aren’t willing to face the reality of your relationship.

    My prayer for you is that you find the strength and courage you need to see your relationship for what it is, and that you can see your boyfriend for who he is. He’s giving you all he can or wants to give, and he’s not willing to try harder. May you find other ways to get the love you need, and may you find happiness and peace in your life. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  11. Ruth says:

    My boyfriend is a truck driver and he always makes excuses to not be texting me or talking to me but when I get our cell phone bill which is detailed it shows he has plenty of time to talk to others. Including other women that he swears are just friends. If I bring this up I’m told I have to trust him ( even though he has given me reason not to more the once) or we are through. We have been together 14 years and I keep telling him that after that long I think I know a thing or two about him. I hate how he treats me like I’m stupid. It not the lies that bother me so much, I’m used to those. It’s the insult to my intelligence that does. Just want us to get back to what we use to have.

  12. Laurie says:

    The more you cling to your boyfriend and dwell on the time he’s not spending with you, the less attractive and appealing you’ll be! I think it’s important to create a life you love, that you’re happy with and are fully enjoying. People want to be around happy people.

    If your boyfriend isn’t giving you what you need, maybe it’s time to think about moving on. Be strong and courageous, and focus on your emotional health and happiness.

  13. Sandy says:

    It’s been around two months that my boyfriend had started to neglect our relationship. I feel lonelt and depress not knowing how things between us got so distance? He’s usually good about spending time with me, but lately its been down spiraled. He doesn’t have the time for me anymore, he’s either working, or doing something after work. And most of all, his kids’ are his main priorty, I really do understand that. But he’s forgetting that he has a girlfriend too…I feel like this relationship is not where I want to go by being neglected, forgotten, someone who he cares to think that is trying to save the relationship…

  14. Laurie says:

    If your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, you feel lonely and neglected. It’s important to be honest about why he isn’t spending time with you! Is it because he’s super busy for a specific reason (eg, school or work), or is it always like this? If he’s always like this, you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who doesn’t make time for you.

  15. Gracie says:

    D:
    I’m in a similar situation, he refuses counseling and wants to suffer his depression alone!!! I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to be there for “the love of my life” as he calls himself. I believe he is bi-polar and when I’ve tried to even slightly discuss this he “rages” I AM WHAT I AM, which just seems to confirm that. Our relationship every five weeks is beautiful and playful but every 5 weeks like clockwork he goes into this awful depression, pulls back from me and consistently blames everyone else for his problems. I always believed it was chemical, prescribed, but it seems to be his personality. I recently learned he just to beat his siblings to passing out when he was young. OMG?!! It’s heartbreaking to read what you wrote because that’s me. I love his boys so much but even they are trying to stay away from him. I think we both need to decide to put ourselves first, move on, and find someone who will love us for the wonderful loving people we are. God Bless. I hope we can do it.

  16. D says:

    He once told me that everyone (his parents, siblings, friends and I) are complaining about his attitude, that we should all give him his space. That he doesnot want to be consoled or encouraged and that he wants to face it alone. He further said that he is workin on that everyone should be patient with him, that trying to poke him around will even scare him off, that whenever he is in a good spirit we all feel it as we feel the warmth of his goodtimes. I felt ok at least to know that I was not the only one he was avoiding and he’s not hating me afterall! But, the others are his family, they’ll always be family but I’m his woman and I’m lonely.

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