Sep 042011
 

Here’s what to do when you feel neglected and lonely in your relationship, and when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you anymore. You don’t want to nag him, but you do need to make him aware of how his neglect is affecting you.

In Get the Guy: Learn Secrets of the Male Mind to Find the Man You Want and the Love You Deserve, Matthew Hussey describes how to land a first date, establish emotional intimacy, and find lasting love.

These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment: “I am always lonely, and I complain to him,” says D on When Your Partner is Depressed. “He says he understands that I need to give him time and we both need to weather the storm together. It’s been five months, and I’m lonely and confused. Is he not interested in me anymore? What do I do?”

You can focus on him and your relationship, or you can focus on you. If you want to focus on him, read books like How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less. But I think your boyfriend is already in love with you…it’s just that he is prioritizing things above you. He’s not making time for you, right?

Here are a few things you can to do get his attention…

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You

Here’s the rest of my reader’s comment: “My first love and I got back together after 12 years apart,” says D. “We are in our 30s. We ran into each other eight months ago and were excited to get back together. He had made so much money, and he kept saying he needs someone to talk to and to arrange his life.”

Figure out what you need out of your relationship

He’s clear on what he wants, and how much time he’s willing to invest. You need to get clear on what type of love relationship – and, eventually, marriage — you want. You have the power to control your future. It’s up to you to take the reins, and rise above your yearnings and “but I want and wish….” You need to put your emotions (“I want to be married, I want him to love me, I want to start a family”) behind your intellect (“Is this the man I should marry? Will he be there for me and my kids? Is he financially stable?”).

If you think you want to marry him, read Questions to Ask Before Getting Married – From Sex to Chores. It’ll help you figure out if he’s the right man for you. Be honest with yourself when you know your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you. It shows his priorities.

Decide if you want him as he is right now

Don’t hope and expect him to change, because he won’t. If he’s immersed in his work, friends, hobbies, or goals right now, then he probably will be for the rest of his life. If you want this relationship to work, you need to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you now, and he likely won’t have time for you after you get married, settle into a house, and have kids together.

You need to accept him for who he is right now. If you feel like your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend time with you, read Making Relationships Work – How Far Should You Go?

Voice your concerns about and wishes for your relationship – once

Tell him how it makes you feel when he spends all his time working, hanging out with friends, or working on his car. Say something like, “I feel ____ and _____ when you don’t spend time with me. My ideal relationship would involve us spending X amount of time together.”

Ask him how much time he can reasonably commit to your relationship. One date a week? Two hours a month?

Don’t initiate this conversation more than once. It doesn’t help to keep telling him you are lonely, confused, and frustrated because he doesn’t have time for you. Trust me: he heard you the first time.

Remember that all relationships go through ups and downs

boyfriend has no time for me

“When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You” image by Laurie

D says, “The project that he spent all his money failed, and he banked on another. That failed, too. It’s been five months since the misfortune, and my once beautiful relationship is now a shadow of itself. He doesn’t give me attention anymore, and does not let me visit, although he pays me surprise visits at intervals. He said he wants to be left alone, as he is working tirelessly to get back on his feet.”

Many men see their value and self-worth in their work and finances. Some don’t want to embark on a committed love relationship until their professional life is stable and even prosperous. Others can’t focus on both work and love. They simply need to focus on one aspect of life at a time. If your boyfriend doesn’t have enough time for you because of his work commitments, you need to decide if this is simply a stage in your relationship or if it’s part of his personality. If he’s a workaholic, he’ll never be at the point where he can ease up on his job.

For more tips on living with men who are consumed with work, read When Your Husband’s Job Takes Priority Over Your Marriage.

Create a life outside your relationship when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you

This is the most important – and the most fun – thing to do when your boyfriend doesn’t spend enough time with you: create your own interesting, fulfilling, exciting life! If you want tips on creating the life of your dreams, let me know. I’ll write an article.

Do not let your love relationship consume your self-identity

For your sake and for your relationship’s sake – and for your kids if you have them – you need to create your own life and identity outside of your relationship. You can’t let your identity get wrapped up in him or his life, or you’ll lose yourself.

What do you think – does your boyfriend have time for everything and everyone but you?


Fix Your Marriage

I welcome your comments welcome below…I can’t tell you why your boyfriend isn’t spending time with you, but writing might help you figure things out.

Summary
Article Name
What to Do When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You
Author
Description
Don’t pout when your boyfriend doesn’t spend enough time with you! Here's what to do when he doesn't have time for you, when you feel neglected and lonely in your relationship.
laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen (but I wish my name was Rosie Frost!). I'm a bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer. My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

Are you happy? My Grade 10 Social Studies teacher, Mr Merritt, always used to ask me that. And I am happy - despite a difficult childhood (schizophrenic mother, no father, foster homes), infertility, an eating disorder, and a chronic illness. The source of my peace and joy is God; I'm a Christian.

How is your life unfolding - what do you need? I welcome your big and little comments below, about big or little things. I can't give you advice, but writing can give you clarity and insight.

In peace and passion.... Laurie

  7 Responses to “When Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have Time for You”

  1. Hello Ruth,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing how it feels when your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you….but he has time for other people. It sounds like you want things to be the way they were so badly that you aren’t willing to face the reality of your relationship.

    My prayer for you is that you find the strength and courage you need to see your relationship for what it is, and that you can see your boyfriend for who he is. He’s giving you all he can or wants to give, and he’s not willing to try harder. May you find other ways to get the love you need, and may you find happiness and peace in your life. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. My boyfriend is a truck driver and he always makes excuses to not be texting me or talking to me but when I get our cell phone bill which is detailed it shows he has plenty of time to talk to others. Including other women that he swears are just friends. If I bring this up I’m told I have to trust him ( even though he has given me reason not to more the once) or we are through. We have been together 14 years and I keep telling him that after that long I think I know a thing or two about him. I hate how he treats me like I’m stupid. It not the lies that bother me so much, I’m used to those. It’s the insult to my intelligence that does. Just want us to get back to what we use to have.

  3. The more you cling to your boyfriend and dwell on the time he’s not spending with you, the less attractive and appealing you’ll be! I think it’s important to create a life you love, that you’re happy with and are fully enjoying. People want to be around happy people.

    If your boyfriend isn’t giving you what you need, maybe it’s time to think about moving on. Be strong and courageous, and focus on your emotional health and happiness.

  4. It’s been around two months that my boyfriend had started to neglect our relationship. I feel lonelt and depress not knowing how things between us got so distance? He’s usually good about spending time with me, but lately its been down spiraled. He doesn’t have the time for me anymore, he’s either working, or doing something after work. And most of all, his kids’ are his main priorty, I really do understand that. But he’s forgetting that he has a girlfriend too…I feel like this relationship is not where I want to go by being neglected, forgotten, someone who he cares to think that is trying to save the relationship…

  5. If your boyfriend doesn’t have time for you, you feel lonely and neglected. It’s important to be honest about why he isn’t spending time with you! Is it because he’s super busy for a specific reason (eg, school or work), or is it always like this? If he’s always like this, you have to decide if you want to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who doesn’t make time for you.

  6. D:
    I’m in a similar situation, he refuses counseling and wants to suffer his depression alone!!! I’ve spent the last 7 years trying to be there for “the love of my life” as he calls himself. I believe he is bi-polar and when I’ve tried to even slightly discuss this he “rages” I AM WHAT I AM, which just seems to confirm that. Our relationship every five weeks is beautiful and playful but every 5 weeks like clockwork he goes into this awful depression, pulls back from me and consistently blames everyone else for his problems. I always believed it was chemical, prescribed, but it seems to be his personality. I recently learned he just to beat his siblings to passing out when he was young. OMG?!! It’s heartbreaking to read what you wrote because that’s me. I love his boys so much but even they are trying to stay away from him. I think we both need to decide to put ourselves first, move on, and find someone who will love us for the wonderful loving people we are. God Bless. I hope we can do it.

  7. He once told me that everyone (his parents, siblings, friends and I) are complaining about his attitude, that we should all give him his space. That he doesnot want to be consoled or encouraged and that he wants to face it alone. He further said that he is workin on that everyone should be patient with him, that trying to poke him around will even scare him off, that whenever he is in a good spirit we all feel it as we feel the warmth of his goodtimes. I felt ok at least to know that I was not the only one he was avoiding and he’s not hating me afterall! But, the others are his family, they’ll always be family but I’m his woman and I’m lonely.

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