What is Closure in a Relationship? Healing Without Saying Goodbye
Do You Need Relationship Closure?
How do you heal without talking about the breakup? Learn what relationship closure is, plus tips for moving on after an unexpected breakup.
On one of my articles about breaking up, a reader asked about letting go of an ex when there isn’t relationship closure. Here, I describe what relationship closure is and offer suggestions for letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse — and stop obsessing about lost love!
Before the tips, a quip:
“It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” ~ Anonymous.
Most people lose a piece of their heart when say goodbye to someone they love. But, life after a breakup (even without relationship closure) can still be meaningful, happy, and exciting – and there is love and laugher after breaking up! It just takes time to heal.
What is Relationship Closure?
Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication.
In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why their relationship ended.
Closure can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out, which helps with letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made. Relationship closure helps you heal by setting your mind at ease about how your love relationship unfolded. Even if you made mistakes and were part of the reason your love relationship failed, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future love relationships.
Denying an ex closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.
Relationship Closure is Difficult Because…
When you’re the one who wants to let go, you may find it easier to avoid talking about it! It’s natural for people to want to avoid pain. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s painful to talk about weaknesses and faults. Closure can involve more pain than just letting someone go without explanation…which is, I think, what my reader’s fiancé was doing when he ended the relationship. He was trying to avoid causing her — and himself — more pain.
It’s unfortunate that we’re not taught how to break up with people we love!
Tips for Healing After a Breakup – When You Can’t Say Goodbye
This idea of surviving a break up is more fully developed in Letting Go of Someone You Love When You Don’t Have Closure. Here are just a few brief suggestions about letting go.
To let go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse without closure:
- Write a letter to your ex, expressing yourself fully. Don’t send the letter right away (if ever). The letter can be as long as you need; you can add to it for days or weeks.
- Change your environment. If your ex moved out of the house, you might consider finding a new place to live. You might even consider moving to a different state or province.
- Explore a different lifestyle. My reader mentioned that she worked hard on her career; after the breakup, she might carve out more free time to explore her hobbies, travel, or take classes.
- Make new friends. You don’t need to abandon your old friends to find relationship closure. However, you may find it refreshing to build new friendships with people who don’t know you from your relationship days.
- Get counseling. I’m a huge fan of counseling because therapists help you see yourself and your love relationships objectively. A counselor can help you see why you’re having trouble letting go of an ex, and help you learn to find closure on your own. My reader mentioned that she was pregnant but lost the baby; this can seriously complicate the whole process of letting go without relationship closure.
- Recognize that you are responsible for your feelings. Nobody can “make you feel anything.” When you feel any emotion, you can choose whether to let that feeling sweep you away or derail it and put a more positive emotion in place. Those feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are emotions you have control over – you do not have to feel that way.
One way to heal after a breakup without closure is to focus on the benefits of being single.
Letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days, peaks and valleys.
For more tips on healing without saying goodbye, read Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce – A Few Tips.
And if you have any questions or thoughts on how relationship closure is good but not necessary for healing, please comment below…
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
My story may seem a little odd. I re-connected with my first love after 25 years. I never got married or had any children always thinking that one day we would be re-united. We dated from 17 to 20 years of age and she broke off more than once but always wanted to come back after about 1 month. Even had an affair with my best frined at the time. I had not heard from her for 2 years after the final breakup and she called me out of the blue to tell me she was getting married. Well, 25 years later, I find her on facebook, send her a message and we hook up for dinner 3 months later ( I was sort of nervous to see her again ) We started a relationship, and because of her super busy schedule, I got to see her maybe once or twice a week, but always had this knot like feeling in my stomach. She is a chartered accountant but has also become a healer, a tarot card reader and claims to be a witch and says she sees spirits( bad ones) attached to me. I am a simple man, live in the moment as much as possible and love to create ( I am a full time artist in the public metal sculpture field). after a year and a half of dating, her telling me I am the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, she started to not answer her phone or respond to me emails anymore. I surprised her one evening by showing up at her place un expected which ihad never done before. Her place was a mess, smelled of old cat litter, stuuf everywhere and she invited me in, like she was happy to see me. Asked me if i wanted to spend the night. A friend had driven me 70km out to her place, so I told him she wanted me to stay and he left. When I got into the house, she told me she was sick all week at work. I asked her what the trouble was, she said it was me . She said that everytime we had sex, she was sick for several days afterward because the light in her came into me, but the dark from me went into her and made her sick, and for that reason she could not have sex with me anymore and made me sleep in a separate room that night. I called my friend up a 2 am to come and pick me up and he did, thank God. I have not heard from her since and it has been 2 weeks and to tell you I had no real closer but believe these words ” Narcissistic people” and look it up and it might help you to heal. I am on my way to a quick recovery because the further away I am from her, the safer I feel. I called her ex husband and he told me she took their then 6 year old daughter to an exorcist to have the demons exercised from her and the 14 year old is still traumatised to this day. And her poor ex, made him sleep with garlic under his pillow for 7 years and had him throw out all of his belongings and their daughters toys claiming they had evil spirits attached to them. Thank the good lord.
Georges.
I don’t completely understand how I messed things up, but I understand that I only see through my own perspective. I’m trying to see our relationship and myself through his eyes, but don’t know where to start. I don’t know whether to feel free, and relish in the possibility of where I will go and what I will do, and finally enjoy the interests that I had set aside, or feel sad for the man who proposed to me, and made me think about having children that looked just like him. I suppose in the larger picture, there are hungry, scared people around the world that would love to have my problems, and its not as if we invented some new scenario. It’s just that to me, I’d started to look at the world with him. It was nice having such a good friend, better than I’d ever had, for the last few years. I will stand by saying that he says really mean things, though. All in all, I wish him happiness and a good wife in someone else.
ive been involved with ths guy for over 10 years. i have been thru a lot with him. Although we never really committed to one another he always had my heart frm day one. We lost touch for two yrs then he came looking for me and we reconnected n it was wonderful. i told him ive loved him frm day one and that even tho we lost touch he never left my thoughts. so it sounds like a happy ending right? wrong its been one year we reconnected and im jst not sure if he can truely give me wut im looking for. but at the same time i love him with everything i me. so much that it hurts deep down n my soul to think that maybe i have to set him free if he doesnt want the same the same thing i do? hes the first thing on my mind when i wake n the last thing before i close my eyes. i just dont kno exactly how he feels and its slowly killing me. i just need to kno becuz only then can i begin the process of letting go. until thn my heart is so heavy and i feel so vulnerable n weak. there r days whn ive tried to tell myself to move on thn he does or says something that makes me realize y i continue to hold on. So tell mr how do u let go of the one u have loved for so long bt never really had. i kno my answer is in that same sentence bt my heart just wont let go????
Heather.
I know how you feel. I am going through the same thing… Always doing the thing the other partner wants because we love them, giving things up to make them happy again
Truth is, that person themselves are the clingy individual. Let me tell you something…. You’re beautiful, you are so special. You are a stunning person in mind , body and you know why… Because you know how to love someone! I have been so devastated the passed few months, the women I chose to marry , have children with and bought a house with just upped and left me. What’s worse is she is my manager… I have now found out it’s due to a string of affairs she has been having…with other people at work. I gave up so much for her and still love her to this day…but we just were not right together. It hurts so much… I’m healing, and now understand I WILL get better. I have goals, a new job, I keep myself so busy but I don’t suppress my pain because pain is healthy and it will pass.
What I’m saying is, ride the pain, really feel it. Cry regular but the way to heal is to remove he problem. Lose every memory of him, if you like box up all those photos, don’t wear the cloths he bought you, remove all visual items of him. Today I went sailing, I throw alot in the sea… It really helped.
Treat yourself often but don’t become selfish, if you believe in God, take a moment to be near him, history says God is close to the broken hearted, his heart was broken often by others. He/it will give happiness over and over again sooner than you think…
Keep yourself healthy, take walks in the sun, help other people and be concerned for the people that love you, not the people that hurt you. The road is a tough walk, but I promise you will be a phoenix from the flame my friend.
It’s hard, I’m feeling it too
Devasted after break-up
My ex, who i was with for 7 years, half of which was an engagement, recently ended things without any reason. He moved out with no warning and moved back in with his parents. I was shocked and devasted. Although he insisted that we were fine and he only moved out to have a little time to fix himself and his attitude, less than a month after he moved out he broke up with me. I continued to try to fix things and after 2 weeks back together he broke up with me a second time, by text message! Now he refuses to talk to me. On the one occasion that we did speak he would only say that he wasn’t happy and it, our relationship, “just didn’t last as long as either of us expected”.
I don’t know what to do now. I realize now that he was emotionally abusive and I have no way of getting closure. I don’t believe the abuse was ever intentional. We both grew up in emotionally abusive homes and don’t know how to behave healthily in relationships. I’m considering trying to get him to meet me so I can confront him about the abuse and let him know how hurtful it really was but I’m not sure if I should. He also told me that at the end it felt like he was dating himself and that I only went along with whatever he wanted because it was what made him happy. He was right but I know now it was the result of the emotional abuse, I did what he wanted to avoid confrontation and criticism.
Is there anyone who can help me? I feel so lost, rejected and worthless now.
My story is about a rollercoaster relationship that somehow always got stronger each time. It started in 9th grade when he asked me to the dance. I went with friends and he joined me there. Apparently, his family was gone for the weekend, he was supposed to go but ended up wanting to go to the dance with me. Lots happened in between…. we were from 2 different worlds. He was cool and I was artsy. He ended up in a boarding school and I stayed in Connecticut. Summer came and went and we saw each other on and off. EAch encounter was special and no Rocky roads…until one summer night when he was supposed to pick me up and never did. I walked about 7 miles home, crying until I got sick. A year later we met up again at a concert. WE talket and then that was it. We both were going off to college so we knew that this was not going anywhere. Until he came to say good bye to me and promised to contact me once he was at school. He did. I was in Boston and he was in Bethlehem. Far away from each other….he called me every morning and I called him every night….letters came weekly…romantic, creative and füll of emotions…. we would meet in Connecticut when we could….this one October weekend was so special…. we had gone on a walk in a park…he gathered leaves together, so we could lay there looking at the sparkling fall day together…eh said that one day he was going to build me a house in the Woods, where no one could find us or hurt us…. i was confused but found it to be romantic….it made me fall in love with him even more…2 weeks later we returned home to find out he had cancer….tumor in his eye…he dient want to see me after that and sent me a cold card stating he had no time to see me over christmas break… i was a mess. My whole world fell apart….i gained weight and my emotions took over everything…3 months after his operation, he called and asked to see me….he missed me. So I drive the 8 hours to see him, with no money in my pockets, I arrived and he and I fell into each other arms…he is the love of my life…and I am assuming I was his….I had my doubts though…about a handsome guy in college….being faithful…come on… we were 18 going on 19….i began to feel that being there with him was the most important thing for me….but what about next week… were we going to go back to this long distance relationship..so much had happened until then…I lied about what happened to us to all the people at school…. I could not have sex with him…because of my weight gain….because I was not sure why he really wanted me there….he was frustratedand of course I did not know how to communicate with him…. no one ever loved me before….i left…we both cried…but i knew he needed someone healthy….and a chance to be at school with other girls…and have fun…that i was only a bürden…..i needed him….and i really loved him…that much. going back was hard….and i never stopped suffering the loss of him….but i had to move on..so i did… I left Boston and moved to DC. about 18 months later… he contacted me…. so i called his home… his mom gave me a number to call…i did..he asked if he could call me that night…and he did…we talket for hours….and he asked if he could call the next day…i agreed….then the most amazing thing ever happened….he arrived at my building the next day….6 hours in the car. i was so shocked that i did not know what to do…. i told the woman at the front desk…this is the man of my dreams….i looked at him…we went up in the Elevator…to my apartment…and i did not know how to act…what am i supposed to do…so i offered to show him around the city..( how stupid was I …off with the shirt…sex and no thinking…. would have been the right thing to do) WE came home, i cooked…he was not crazy about the food…maybe he was nervous. i suggested we go for a walk. we did. and that is when it happened…the door to our emotional past opened up…we talket and explained…and worked on us… he kissed me with so much passion….and I was never happier. He took me to an emotional place, I have never shared with anyone else, in my life. All that mattered at that point was us. He stopped to say…my parents think that we are too young to feel this way about eachother…. he said it but i did not listen, closer. That night we made love to each other….our first real time…yup….i think too much…and i let my mind take over… from the time we left the park downstairs to the time we ended up in bed…all these thoughts of him maybe having had another woman…took over…why was he here..what was going to happen…..the next day we got up..happy..both of us.. we went to his car….he looked at me and said…everything is going to be ok…dont worry….we kissed and he drov e off… i never heard from him again….30 years later….he is still on my mind…there isnt a day that goes by that i do not think of him….. and there is more… help
It’s hard, really hard in fact….
I put my life savings on saying that part of the ‘move on’ is meeting another person…
The injured party suffers the most with letting go. Sadly I’m the injured party at the moment and I don’t want to let go of my beautiful ex partner whom I still adore – but shes happy and with another man, not interested in me at all…. Strange hey? Why do I want someone who only hurts me…. Hope these feelings change soon
The only closure I could get at 30, is when I finally decided to meet my married ex gf after 7 years of her trying to get us together for a dinner. Although she had alot more in mind, even after living abroad, married to a good man, having a beautiful daughter, what not, I managed to limit the amount of physical intimacy, by being conscious and as clever as possible. There’s just something strange about that number 7. For seven years, she called, emailed, begging subtly for a meet which I always turned down, simply because she had another man. But the more I tried, the harder it got and we finally met, for a very memorable night, yet not without it’s issues.
We were childhood sweethearts, grew up together, always loved each other, witnessed the death of a parent each, fought for each other, stood back to back, defying family to split. At 23, I took off, having suffered depression, loss of focus, all kinds of troubles. We could never understand why we split, although I admit, she gave her all to keep the relationship together. She tried everything, until a point where she gave up. What we had, well, I don’t think I can ever be that lucky again. To this day, she manifests in my dreams, sometimes in other family members who were close to her, mom and bro especially. She admits she’s always thinking about me, anywhere, everywhere, with her husband. It’s terrible in many ways, for years I told her to get over it, but she could not and made our meeting her top priority. She said she got her closure the next day and was ready to move on, at last but she did call a half a dozen times more for a few more days, till I left town.
I’m really hoping to God, she has moved on, although the issues in her marriage, well…….
But I do hope and pray for her. Don’t want to be in the middle of affairs, hurt children, shattered husbands. Not my thing, never will be.
Have to admit that life is much, much harder than we really know. The things we strive to stay away from, hit us hardest, when we least expect it. Saying no, quite clearly, is a challenge, even if that means trying not to break a long, lost love’s heart at the cost of your own and her husband’s. She was the most loving woman I could have met on this planet, and I mean that with every fiber in my being.
Love to all women out there
I am over 40 and I thought people my age didn’t behave this way, I’ve been seeing a man for a year who suddenly stopped speaking to me 3 weeks ago then made his split with me offical via facebook! I was completely devesated that he didn’t have enough respect to tell me this directly or even call me on the phone. It is so cowardly to use social media to hurt someone like this and make no mistake when you do something like this it’s your intent to hurt the other person.
I was in a relationship for 1 1/2 years which was pretty shaky. We had some great times but also not so great times. We always had a problem communicating and honestly never told each other how we felt. The end of our relationship was due to a misunderstanding which I yelled at her. We didn’t talk for a week and then she broke up with me over email. She said that she can’t put it into words but needs to move on. The problem is is that we work together and I still haven’t had any closure. It has been almost 2 months and we still have yet to talk to each other at work. I finally sent her a letter which told her how I felt about her but I except the breakup and acknowledged everything that I did wrong in the relationship. She still can’t talk to any of our mutual friends about the breakup. I still feel like there is no closure but since I sent the letter I’ve been able to start moving on. I have no clue even if she has read the letter. Last week she confronted me and told me not to give any of her stuff back for a couple months. I had never seen her act this way with me. It’s like I don’t even know her. The problem is is that we work together and will be spending a lot of time in the same area. I guess I just have to take care of myself but I still feel if we actually had a mature conversation about our relationship we could eventually reconcile and rekindle our love. I just wait patiently for the time
Me and my ex “broke up” about a week ago after over a year of being together. We had broken up a few days before then, and we got back together. I felt like I didn’t feel the same, but I was wrong. We had gotten into a fight and I told him that I would text him later. We didn’t talk for that next few days. So, I just figured he didn’t want to be with me, cause he changed his relationship status on Facebook as ‘single’. Then I text him yesterday and told him I wanted my stuff by Friday. He told me I would have to wait, because he and this girl had a date. They had been talking all throughout our relationship, and once he was free, he went straight to her. I keep blaming her, but really they’re both to blame. I still love him so much and I don’t know what to do… I never knew he was like that. He told me that he wished he never told me he loved me. How is that supposed to make me feel. I know he’s just trying to hurt me, because I hurt him, but I never would’ve done what he has done to me. He bought me this necklace for Christmas, and he wanted it back to give to her. I keep trying to be okay with it, but I’m not. We never even officially broke up. I don’t understand what I’m feeling, though… I don’t know if I feel jealousy towards her, anger towards him, hurt by it all, or is it all of the above. I really need some advice on how to let him go. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I have been ‘seeing’ this guy for just over a year. He told me when we first met that he didnt want a ‘relationship’, which i was ok with, but neither of us ever intended it to last more than a couple of weeks. As we kept catching up, i think some complex feelings developed but he was still adamant that he didnt want a relationship but still wants to continue seeing me. I always assumed that he would kiss/sleep with other girls when he went out, but not actually knowing wether it happened or not, i was fine with. Anyway a few weeks ago, we were both at the same night club, and he kissed another girl infront of me. Obviously i was upset, he apologised and we moved on from it like nothing happened. Then again, 2 weeks ago he does the same thing. This time i called him up on it, understanding he is not interested in anything serious, but still his actions were so disrespectful and embarassing and i couldnt put up with it. He told me ‘thats what he enjoys doing, its how he has fun and he has no intention of changing’. If this wasnt enough of a sign that he doesnt care about me, i dont know what is. Anyway i continued to see him, then 2 days ago we were at the same place, and again he started kissing other girls. I got ridiculously drunk, started doing the same thing and just made an absolute fool of myself in front of him and his friends. I have absolutely no memory of the night but at the end of the night i went outside to find him, and i found him on the beach with another girl. I went home at this stage and jsut broke down. The next day he sent me a message saying ‘we have had a good run and he has enjoyed his time with me, but what he has been doing is unfair on me and we cant keep continuing to do it. he hopes we can still consider eachother friends, and for the record he didnt have sex on the beach nor did he intend to, and hes sorry for upsetting me’…. I have no idea what to do now. I know i need to move on, and i know i can, but its more the thought of him being with any other girl that upsets me, i dont want him to have what he has with me, with any other girl. And i stilll just want to be with him and put up with all the shit, because i dont want a relationship either but i cant not have him in my life. and i cant just be his friends. Any advice would be amazing!
It has been comforting to know that I am not the only one that feels hurt since my closure with my ex-girlfriend never materilize except with a “Dear John” letter and a failed one on one goodbye. It is okay to feel these feelings as long as I recognize it and use coping mechanisms to deal with it. I am sorry that each and everyone of you has been or still is feeling hurt. After 25 years not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Met her in high school and I went into the military since i couldn’t afford college. Made a miracle deal in technical school and got stationed one state away from my ex. She wanted to get married and since I asked to wait until I got an education and a good job so I can support a family. I definitely was not a romantic type of individual and didn’t know how to make her feel special, especially lacked good writing skills. But every opportunity I had to be home with her I went. When the pressure got real high for permanent commitment I continued taking 3 college courses every semester since I worked at a power plant at night for the military active duty. Four months before I was going to get out, taking 3 college classes, and acquiring a state boiler’s license, studying for below the zone rank promotion board she gave me the “Dear John Letter” and I have been devastated ever since. I did everything wrong after that but was able to at least keep my composure to keep my career on track and now I have a great family-wife from college and three children. Unfortunately, I haven’t smiled since and I have done the positive things keeping super duper busy and accomplished many things to keep my mind off of her but I slip every oncce in a while and still grieving.
I was left 4 months ago by a fiance of four years. I was told he wasnt happy anymore and wanted at 34 years old to get closer with his fmaily. I ignored lies and cheating once when it was early on, i forgave him. he seemed to have changed and we spent so much time together there wasnt time for him to do anything else with anyone. Then he started working nights and well hooked back up talking to an old female friend from HS and calling texting each other when i wasnt home or he wasnt. I asked why and he said to get advice about us. She didnt even know me! I knew then something was going on. I have no clue if he cheated on me before he left I have no way of knowing. I do know after he left that same week he was paying for a motel telling me he didnt want to sleep at his parents. Since then he has wanted to be friends again and honestly we have gone places and i do go over to see him and there is stil intimacy between us. I want to let him go I want to get revenge i want to see him upset like i am but most of all I want to forget this feeling that since i let him do things it all i deserve and will forever find ppl like him or be alone. I am scared and sad and hurt. I have seen his sites online he is signed up on for things and dating, i have asked him about it and all i get was i am not anymore over and over. then its i want to rebuild us to regain what we had then its just friends and we will see. he doesnt even let his family know we are tlaking still or trying as friends. he is 34 i am 38. what is wrong with him but most of all why am i letting him do this to me? I am so afraid to be alone and be with myself. I just do not know why I cant let him go and stop the hurt and sadness and just try for once in my life to live for me and not others and take care of me. I am taking these tips and going to hope i can pull myself through this. thank you
i guess it is like “i’m not good enough?” – i keep blaming myself even though i know that this is not the way to go. i have this huge hankering for the old times, but this is not a possibility.
i knew my marriage was over before it finally hit rock bottom and i’m very disappointed that my husband (huh!) had so little integrity that he brought the girl to be with my kids and in my home when I was abroad. I’m very disappointed. she took my hubby and now he’s allowing her into my home and befriend my kids when i’m not there? pardon me but WTH!
so i figure we can just let it go. i’m going for counselling next week or so but i guess it’s not gonna be an easy affair.
i hope to be divorced soon, as silly as it sounds. it’s less stressful than finding that your husband – who has the image of a saint – is sneaking behind your back. he not only lacks courage, but more importantly he is showing our sons that he has no integrity whatsoever.
and it’s sad, because i’ve known him since 1991 – or at least i thought so.
I have been with my ex for three in a half years. I loved him very much, he was my first love. We have been on and off, but we stayed strong and it seem to me as if it was getting better and better.:) Until something happened dumb fight, where he did not want to be with me anymore and he was dealing with alot of stress. He left me and months later he wanted to be with me again, I said no I was not ready yet. We were doing well giving each other space and beginning as new journey with each other. When I was ready to be with him, he said no. From that point on I have not heard from him. I tried contacting him. But i have not got any response from him. I am hurting so much. I didnt get no explanation, nothing. He left and that was it. He could not even talk to me face to face. Its been four months. Ive heard from his friends thats he has been busy with work. I cant let it go, and its so hard on me. I trusted someoneso much and how can someone not talk to me and let me know why..and just leave me as if I was not meant anything to them, especially when we were doing soooo well!
I sort of had a relationship with a girl…what I mean is, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she still is, but, she is a year (now 2 years) ahead of me in school, so she graduated a year before I did. I wasn’t able to go to her graduation, so I never really got closure on our “relationship”
We had talked before she graduated. not the day of graduating, or the day before, but years prior, and within the year she graduated (high school stuff, you know.) She was there for 3 years, and the only reason I kept going to school. I’ve made mistakes with her…a lot of mistakes…and I want to take them back…but she’s off at college and I have no way of contacting her. I used to have her email, but I’m sure she’s changed it by now. Her friends…well, I don’t think they’ve kept in contact with her. so, I dunno what to do now…I’m a hollow shell of a man that used to have a heart.
I have a bit of a different situation. I don’t have any relationship closure with my sister…five years ago, she told me she never wants to speak to me again. She wouldn’t say why. She’d been pulling away for about 2 years before that, shortly after I moved to Africa for a 3 year stint.
I keep telling myself that she ended our relationship without saying good-bye properly for reasons that are inside of her. It’s not about me; I did nothing to deserve being cut out of her life that way! I wasn’t a perfect sister, but I did not deserve to be treated like that.
So, not having relationship closure doesn’t just affect breakups of love relationships…it’s family stuff, too. It hurts just as bad. Maybe more, because family isn’t supposed to leave you forever.
Yes Laurie, I think that is the toughest part. Not knowing why. Not having a reason from the other side on why they left, or why they estranged themselves. I was left and not told why. Even though I asked and confronted. The answer I got was “I have my reasons and I don’t want to talk about it”. Then you lay awake for nights and nights thinking it over and over again, what it could be you have done. If it might have been something you could have changed or avoided. I think that is the toughest part on why we cannot get closure so easily. If someone told you, it’s because my feelings changed and I don’t love you anymore, it would hurt, but eventually you could get past it. But not knowing why just keeps hounting your every thoughts…
But it’s great to know that we are not the only ones that feel this way. It gives me courage to work on getting past this.
I think relationship closure has to come from within. I’m coping with a very painful family estrangement, and I have to heal without saying good-bye or even knowing the reason for the estrangement. So, I have to create my own relationship closure. It sucks and it’s heartbreaking, but it is what it is.
I agree with you Sam so much. And I feel for you. He didn’t give you the closure you needed, most likely because he was a coward of facing you. But that would have been so important for you. He moved on found himself someone new and lived his life, while you were going through emotional hell. I’ve been there and still am there myself. And I know people tell you move on and be happy again, your ex is not worth it, but no matter what you do, no matter how much you try to keep busy with other things, keep you mind busy the ghosts always catch up on you and it all comes back in a second. Just wanted to shout out, you are not alone and I wish you all the strength you need to finally get that closure for yourself.
I do not have closure at this moment, and I found out that he is seeing someone else, so I must move on. Whether he was with this girl when we were involved is irrelevant, he is with her and not me and I never will be with him. I did everything I could to be there for him and I will always remember our late night phone calls and texting sessions until the other one fell asleep. I am really confused and disappointed. I have to let the confusion go and accept him for who he is: someone I thought he wasn’t.
He used me and it sucks. But I ended it and he is gone and he can’t use me anymore. I was miserable when I was with him because of the uncertainty and doubt. Right now I am pretty emotionally damaged and slowly learning to trust men again and looking to date.
It’s so hard to move on without closure. I am going through a hard time right now exactly because of that. My ex and I never really broke up. At the time I just didn’t feel ready for a relationship but I truly liked him. We just drifted apart, he went on a trip , I went on a trip, there were some failed communication attempts and them before I knew it it was over. But I never really got to feel it was. So several months passed by and I still have this unease feeling when I think about him. A few days ago I found out he just got married and that was very hard. Since then I have done anything to get over it and move on but it’s hard. I have cried, allowed myself to be depressed and just be sad for a while; I have done the whole ritual and just finished writing him a letter that I might not send it. I just needed to vent. I got rid of everything that reminds me of him. But still I fill like I never got the closure I needed. I think I will only really get over it after I meet someone I really like again. Thanks for the article though.
Thanks for your comments, Ally.
I agree that proper relationship closure is the best way to heal after a breakup…but unfortunately, closure isn’t something that all couples get when they split.
Hope to see you in these parts again!
I believe that proper closure should be done when couples decide to separate. More than a healthy move, it aids both of them in letting go and moving on. It also helps them learn lessons which they can apply or avoid in future relationships. Great tips you have there Laurie. I’m sure couples will find these useful. Thanks!