What is Closure in a Relationship? Healing Without Saying Goodbye
Do You Need Relationship Closure?
How do you heal without talking about the breakup? Learn what relationship closure is, plus tips for moving on after an unexpected breakup.
On one of my articles about breaking up, a reader asked about letting go of an ex when there isn’t relationship closure. Here, I describe what relationship closure is and offer suggestions for letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse — and stop obsessing about lost love!
Before the tips, a quip:
“It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” ~ Anonymous.
Most people lose a piece of their heart when say goodbye to someone they love. But, life after a breakup (even without relationship closure) can still be meaningful, happy, and exciting – and there is love and laugher after breaking up! It just takes time to heal.
What is Relationship Closure?
Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication.
In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why their relationship ended.
Closure can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out, which helps with letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made. Relationship closure helps you heal by setting your mind at ease about how your love relationship unfolded. Even if you made mistakes and were part of the reason your love relationship failed, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future love relationships.
Denying an ex closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.
Relationship Closure is Difficult Because…
When you’re the one who wants to let go, you may find it easier to avoid talking about it! It’s natural for people to want to avoid pain. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s painful to talk about weaknesses and faults. Closure can involve more pain than just letting someone go without explanation…which is, I think, what my reader’s fiancé was doing when he ended the relationship. He was trying to avoid causing her — and himself — more pain.
It’s unfortunate that we’re not taught how to break up with people we love!
Tips for Healing After a Breakup – When You Can’t Say Goodbye
This idea of surviving a break up is more fully developed in Letting Go of Someone You Love When You Don’t Have Closure. Here are just a few brief suggestions about letting go.
To let go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse without closure:
- Write a letter to your ex, expressing yourself fully. Don’t send the letter right away (if ever). The letter can be as long as you need; you can add to it for days or weeks.
- Change your environment. If your ex moved out of the house, you might consider finding a new place to live. You might even consider moving to a different state or province.
- Explore a different lifestyle. My reader mentioned that she worked hard on her career; after the breakup, she might carve out more free time to explore her hobbies, travel, or take classes.
- Make new friends. You don’t need to abandon your old friends to find relationship closure. However, you may find it refreshing to build new friendships with people who don’t know you from your relationship days.
- Get counseling. I’m a huge fan of counseling because therapists help you see yourself and your love relationships objectively. A counselor can help you see why you’re having trouble letting go of an ex, and help you learn to find closure on your own. My reader mentioned that she was pregnant but lost the baby; this can seriously complicate the whole process of letting go without relationship closure.
- Recognize that you are responsible for your feelings. Nobody can “make you feel anything.” When you feel any emotion, you can choose whether to let that feeling sweep you away or derail it and put a more positive emotion in place. Those feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are emotions you have control over – you do not have to feel that way.
One way to heal after a breakup without closure is to focus on the benefits of being single.
Letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days, peaks and valleys.
For more tips on healing without saying goodbye, read Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce – A Few Tips.
And if you have any questions or thoughts on how relationship closure is good but not necessary for healing, please comment below…
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
Me and my bf been together for exactly 4 months but it felt like 2 years he was the best thing that happend to me i guess you can say but when i found out he wasn’t happy and he was miserable it mad me sadder I TRIED TO fix things but nope. I lost my virginity to him which makes it alot harder to get over him :’( and he has more reasons why but won’t tell me he blocked me on f.b nd ignores me Help
I understand that it’s difficult to tell people something that you KNOW will upset them, I have had to do it myself in the past and its almost as uncomfortable giving the “bad news” as it is receiving it. However, when did it become okay to stop treating people with respect and dignity? Social and digital media (Twitter, Facebook, Instant messengers, email) make it easy for us to connect, to stay in touch, but at the same time they give people a “mask” that they can hide behind. These “tools” can dehumanize and disconnect us from the senses we rely on, and leave us wondering what the person on the other end is actually trying to say to us…
Closure in a relationship is something we might never receive. If you cared for the person to begin with, if you ever honored that person at all than take the high road and tell them in person, or over the phone that you will be moving on. Yes they might be hurt, angry or sad by your disclosure, Yes you might have to put up with a feeling uncomfortable for a few minutes, but in the end they will respect you for delivering the news to them with kindness, and more importantly – they will begin to heal.
For those of you who have posted here above and below my post – I’ve walked in your shoes, I know your pain. The buck stops here though… I refuse to treat others like I have been treated! Responsibility, dignity and kindness… do it!
My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuses to have any contact with me. I’m so confused, and we have no closure in our relationship. I was wrong and now it’s too late.
Thank you for writing this because it helped.
After five long years my heart aches with pain my mind is in shambles and my life is in pieces I really don’t know how to move on I’ve been in two relationships one for four years another for five years I’ve be doing this since I was fifteen years old things seem like nothing is really meant to be I just need to heal so I can live again
and im bearly 20 years old and im willing to fight for this love that my husband and i havee i love him and im his love soildier his 23 i guess well see eachothe once were on our 30s damn its sucks i try not to think about it because its a longg time the worst part is that i dont my papers and not legal and i can even goo see him to prison maybee people hellpp
My Story started in 2006 i was 15 i had me the love of my life (thought so than)We were the happiest couple ever that everybody hate it on it lastes almost 3 years till he left me unexpectally without the courtesy to even tell me he didnt wanted to be with ,not just leave me aftyer everything my family and i had done for him,i love him withh alll my heart i was down for hiim to the foelest we did everything together we already had our plans for our future but that day we never talked to each other again as a couple was one afternoon that we had gotten out of school early ;i walked him to the bus stop to go with that bitch but i didnt know and than before he got on the bus he gave me a a good bye kiss and tight hug and told me i love you p for some reason after that i felt like if i was never gona see him again and yup he shine me off straight up ever sinse that day dammnn it broke my heartttttt into million pieces it was such a deep sharp shocking pain that didnt even make me cry and didnt want to!at some point till 2 months later i go to his house and try to pick up some stuff and im getting to the apt and i seen him with her in a lil slut dress and him holding on to her i was surprised and try to beat her upp but they didnt let it happennn it was horribleee;its been 3 years and we never when back im guessing he stilll with her he had came bak to me 1 year after he came to visit my mom end up stayng wit me that night we spend a whole day n night together just talking and for the next day he lefttt and dissapeared from my life once again witout telllin me nothing n didnt even come to my moms birthday the same day he left DAmnnn the was time that really broke my heart and broke down in tears it was the worst depression in my life i hqad finally realised that he didnt love me or even gave a fuck about mee after everythinggg thats when i decided to move one than 2 years after i met the man of my dreams and became my huisband i was finally happy again thinking everything was gonna b perfect than now he gets locked up for 8 yearss and im goinnng bcrazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy why dis happen to meeeee
but i believe and loooking forward them better dayss
Hi everyone. I am going through the toughest time of my life. My husband of 3 years has left me with no explanation..just ignoring me. He is from America and I am from England. We were planning on me moving there really soon.. and saw eachother every month.
He is in a band and tours every now and then, but that has never been a problem till this tour… we have been having some problems but nothing major.. yet within a week of being on this tour he started distancing himself… hardly any replys to my messages on fb.. NO calls.. becoause he was out of signal(so he says) and too busy and tired and ill etc.. all the excuses, that funnily enough never bothered him before during the hundreds of tours.
I have a strong feeling he has met someone else on this tour. He wont reply to me.. wont talk to me about anything. I just dont know what to do. My whole life is my marriage and my child (who he is step dad too) I just dont know what to do… :’-(
Its not really easy tryin to move on without closure, i am going throu a rough patch as well after my ex boyfriend broke up with me two months ago.. The break up was all unexpected because just before i got a text message from him telling me we should break up we were really in good terms, he told me that he wanted to be alone for a while, i accepted cos i thought it was not really over and that he will come back and start again, well i contacted him a month and a week after but he told me he had a girlfriend, after some time he invited me via social network and told me he was cheatin on me and stuff so that is why he broke up with me but he is still dating the same girl, i still think there is more… 2 months down the line he called me saying that he misses me and that i should visit his place when schools closes cos hes at varsity and im at college, (we were in a long distance relationship and i am the one who gets to visit his place). after i got this strange call from him, i am really depressed its like i moved back to step one, i try so hard not to contact him again and i know i wont but i still have hope that we will get back together but i also know that im wrong and that i have to move on. any advice would really help..
I am in a situation of not getting closure early on coming back to haunt me. I fell in love with a guy when we were both 19, I think maybe we were too young but despite how we felt about each other it fell apart because he wouldn’t let me in. For 3 years afterwards I searched for answers begged him to take me back the works. Eventually time healed me enough to find someone new, and I fell in love with him. Its not the same love I had then but it’s far more than I thought I could. Now my ex is back pouring his heart out to me trying to give and get closure. I think he actually is trying to win me back instead. He says that he wishes he had said what he wants to say now back then so I’d be with him today. But its just too little too late… love isn’t a game. If our closure chat was even a year earlier today I would be with him
I met the most wonderful caring man that came into my life when I felt just lost. Our life was perfect, we loved each other in a matter of weeks , we couldn’t be apart at all. At night if he wasn’t there I would wake up short of breath. Looking back maybe it was to soon , he was only 20 I was 23. We broke up 2 years in because he said he was scared to love someone so much and find his soulmate at 22. I was heartbroken I couldn’t sleep , eat or even go to work then 2 weeks later he took me back and said he’d made a mistake. Once again all was perfect, my world turned again , it had colour . Then once again after another year passed us by he left me saying he wasn’t ready for this to be his last relationship. Once again I’m heartbroken I only want him no one else, he keeps calling and saying he wants me in his life as friends but I’m not sure anymore . How can I get closure if I still hold hope he’ll rescue me again from my misery? Can relationships be ok the third time around or am I fooling myself? All I hear is how you never forget your one true love but I don’t wanna forget , a part of me knows he knows I’m the only women for him, to make matters worse he has aspergers ( a slight form of it ) and I’ve done a lot of reading on it so maybe this is what confuses him so ? I’m completly helpless
my x wanted to end the relationship because he doesnt want to hurt me further. he admits his feelings werent as strong as my feelings towards him. there are many other reasons on why he wants to break up too. however, he said he still wants me in his life meaning remains friends but i refused. so he said “with the greatest respect and wishes” and “wish the best for you and farewel” what does it means? he said it means see you at some time. im confused. i dont want to cut him out of my life but im doing it because it’s best for us.
I met someone when I turned 19, he was my first love. I didn’t really like him at first, but the more time we spent together, the more I fell in love with him. I loved him so much that I didn’t want to hurt him, I guess I got my wish, he hurt me instead. We had a long distance relationship, visited back and forth, went on vacation together, I love him dearly. He just stopped calling and that was that. I emailed, phoned and wrote, I did all that I could possibly do to reach out to him. The only thing I didn’t do was go out there to him, and he knew I couldn’t. It has been over 10 years now and I still wonder why, I really despise the feeling of not knowing. I always wonder how the person you adore and love and share mutual feelings can do something like this, how can they live with themselves like nothing never happened? How can you wipe someone out of your life and just move on. Now I found him on facebook, sent him “friend request” didn’t even accept. He left me for a single mom with kids and now they have their own family. I have moved on, I have my own family as well, I love my husband dearly but I still wonder what happened. I sometimes wish I could walk up to his face and all I want to ask is why? I wish I can erase that part of my life and enjoy my beautiful family without pain and sadness in my heart. Stop hurting people out there, why can’t we just say how we feel?
Myble…
I feel for you and had the same situation. I am also 50ish. I reconnected with a teenage crush via facebook and had a tumultuous 2 yrs.We are both divorced. The first summer we began seeing eachother, many plans were broken, cancelled whatever however this guy would call and text me at least 20 x a day. I learned after that summer he was seeing a younger married woman. It ended. By that October, we were on again and things seemed good- he met my kids, called all the time but after some nasty defensive behavior , I learned once again, he was with that same person- we fell apart Jan of 11.By April of that year, he reached out to me saying she had gotten too dependent on him, he was disenchanted and it was over- so once again, we went away for the weekend and it began again.I could tell once again a month later when he kept blowing me off, she was back. Don’t ask me why but by July 2011 we had gotten together again and going strong for 7 months. He would call and txt me daily , spent every weekend at my home, met my family several times. He ended up being my best friend. Not sure how it happened but he missed a night, which was no biggie but the next day exhibited weird behavior, tried to cancel upcpming plans saying he could ot coem to my home as my daughter was sick 3 days before and it may be infected, so I went to his home- I gave him a belated small token for valentines day( a small cheap gift and card)- he freaked out and said our relationship was over because I don’t listen and we were NOT supposed to exchange gifts, I was dumbfounded! That’s no reason to dump someone..I had a strange feeling, and I learned in a few days that the married woman had left her husband and had reached out to him months prior and was calling all the time- they had sex onbe night and that was the reason he was so rude to me the following day. I know there’s no right way to hurt someone but he insisted he was never in contact with her, and that I was nuts and possesive,I guess I just kept calling and texting expecting an apology which here it s a month later and I never got one. It just upsets me that he kept going back to the same woman, I probably would have gotten over this faster if he was playing the field and met someone new but it’s always her..the min she reaches out- he goes running to her. It just happened so quickly- one night we were ont he phone for 2 hrs- th next nght he doesn’t call and when he does, he’s rude, and a total stranger lookingor an excuse to get rid of me!It’s always easy to say move on when you’re with someone else as he is, but I am alone and that’s all I think about
I am in my 50′s and doing “online” dating. I met this guy – we hit it off immediately, went out 2-3 times a week for about 3 weeks. He told me repeatedly how crazy he was about me, he would text and email me multiple times a day to send me “kisses” or tell me he was thinking of me. One evening he told me he thought “I was the one, the one god had meant for him”. Then the next morning he texted me and said he didn’t want to see me again – AND he didn’t want to talk about it. I was upset. About 10 days later he texted me asking how an ill member of my family was doing. I replied. The texts went back and forth and we ended up talking over the phone for an hour and a half (not about us), we laughed the whole time – had a great time. Then he asked me out for dinner and to talk about what happened to “us” the following evening. Again, a wonderful evening. He told me the reason he broke up was because an ex-fiancé had told him she wanted him back, that I had never done anything wrong. He wasn’t interested in the ex, but it was messing with his head. I could understand that, he also asked me out for the following day. That turned out to be another fantastic day (Sunday), told me how much he really cared for me, that he had missed me, that he wanted to date again if I would consider it. On Monday I didn’t hear from him – figured he was busy. I texted him in the evening asking how his day went and he replied he had been very busy and was tired. We didn’t speak further that evening. The next morning I sent him an email saying I realized he was dealing with some heavy issues right now (his elderly mother was also ill), and that it was fine with me if he wanted to go “slowly”, as I didn’t want our relationship to be another burden on him. That I would totally leave it up to him to decide how frequently he wanted to get together. (My goal here was reaching out to him because I knew he was in emotional pain, I thought I was being caring). Tuesday, he sent me a good morning text then no word from him. Tuesday night I met a friend (female) out for a couple of tacos after work. While I was there he sent me a email that said: “Wow, I can’t believe you don’t want to see me for the next few weeks, seriously? Thats it, I’m done. Don’t try to contact me cause I’ll block you. There is something seriously wrong with you”. I showed my friend his email and the email that i had sent him and we both were absolutely floored. How could he have so misconstrued my email to him? I was hurt and pissed off. So I went over to his house to try to talk to him and tell him I had NOT tried to break up with him! (My girlfriend also said “you should go talk to him in person”). So I was at his apartment for about 12 minutes. I could see lights on, and see him moving through the blinds, but he wouldn’t answer the door (it has a peephole, so he could see it was me). I wasn’t loud, i just knocked lightly. I also texted him, and tried to call him the few minutes I was there. Finally he answered with “if you don’t leave in 2 minutes I am calling the police”. Well now I was really upset, and I sent him one last text asking for 2 minutes of his time to try to explain things. No answer, so I left. But my hands were shaking so it took me about 3 minutes to type that text. I then got in my car and drove home. The police contacted me by phone as I was pulling into my driveway. They asked if I knew why they were calling – I said yes, and that he had asked me to leave by text, and I left. They said I didn’t do anything wrong but if I tried to contact him again he could potentially have reasons to file a harassment charge. That my boyfriend might want to contact me after things died down, and if he did then it was perfectly fine for me to reply to him. SERIOUSLY? He called the police on me for being at his door for 12 minutes? For the love of God… I told the policeman he could assure the guy that would not happen, I would never try to contact him again. And I haven’t, nor will I ever, ever want to have anything to do with him again. But honestly, is it so rare that people want to talk to someone in person after a “text” or “email” breakup? And is going to their home ONE TIME unannounced “stalking”? I should have not gotten involved with him again after the first time he broke it off with me. I did learn a lesson though… I will NEVER show up at a guys home unannounced again (nor have I in the past). But this online dating stuff is just so impersonal! Interesting find though: after asking several friends what they would have done in the same circumstance. All the women said they would have gone over to the guys house to try to talk to him (these women are all age ranges). All of the guys said “there is no way I would have gone to her house unannounced”. So maybe closure is something women need more then men? Ugh… I am still embarrassed that the police called me!
I did have a closure with best friend.We werent together.I did expect it to end this way because he wasnt good to me like before.He didnt ask about me or care if i missed college for example.We used to always have fights regarding why he doesnt show the care he shows for his other girl friends.He always assumed im insecure.We ended our relationship via the phone.He said we could still be friends but not close friends.The last phrase caused me soo much pain that i am still in denial and i still try make things better between us but i knw it wont get any better
@ SARAH,
We all have our own perspective, that is what makes us individuals, seeing how you are thru his eyes is fair, IF he is willing to see things through your eyes also. He says really mean things, so does Perez hilton, people usually say the meanest things to those they love, but that does not mean it is okay. You should look forward to what will come your way, he is a strong, honest, capable and faithful man and having him propose and offer you a chance at a new life is great, accept his proposal and start a new life, forget the mean things he said, he probably meant it to help you grow into a better person. To become as perfect as he is in his mind. Just because someone in another country is starving and drinking disease infested water, does not take validity from your own pain and troubles. cancer effects people rich or poor, so if you happen to have better financial circumstances, does not mean your pain is any less important. Goodluck in your marriage
I HAVE A LONG ONE I WAS WITH MY EX FR 2YRS WE DID EVERY THING TOGETHER HE WAS REALLY ABUSIVE AND I LEFT HIM ALONE BUT DEEP DOWN I WAS STILL IN LOVE I MEET THOS OTHER GUY N HE WAS SO SWEET HE TREATED ME LIKE A QUEEN 4MTHS LATET HE PROPOSED TO ME N THREE DAYS AFTER THAT WE GOT MARRIED I RECONNECTED WITH MY EX N WE HAD SEX I FEEL SO BAD BUT THEN AGAIN I STILL WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY HUSBAND ITS LIKE IFELT LIKE I RUSHED INTO EVERYTHING BECAUSE I WASNT REALLY N LOVE ITS LUKE I FORCED MYSELF TO LOVE HIM I KNO THAT I SHUDNT HAVE HAD SEX WITH HIM HE I PRAYED. BOUT IT BUT I STILL FEEL THAT IM N LOVE IM SO CONFUSED REALLY BUT I LOVE EMY HUSBAND HE REALLY LOVES ME ITS JUST THAT I HAVE TO ECPECT THE FACT I TOOK THAR OATH SO I HAVE TO REPENT DEEP DWN I WANNA TELL HIM SO BAD BUT I WILL BUT I GUESS MY HOLD IT N LET GOD FORGIVE ME
HELP!
I was with my ex bf/finance for 4 years and we broke up for the dumbest reason ever and sadly 1 month later he ended up gettin a new gf. So overall its been 9months since things ended and he’s been in a relationship for 8months now :/…it sucks so bad and we have not said one word to eachother in those 9months. I recently have been seeing him around town and its killing me cause I never got closure. I feel like approaching him but I’m scared that he might think I’m stupid for still thinking about it. Idk what I should do
I just received closure that was long over due for a relationship I was in. I was madly in love with this man, completely and totally head over heels in love. I would have died for this person but it did not work out. We ended up in a long distance relationship and were torn apart. Over the past five years we have kept in touch and talked about how great we were and how much we care for one another. We spoke about getting back together and even at one point did. After I graduated college we stopped talking a bit then around Thanksgiving of that year he came to see me. It was awesome, I thought we were finally on the up and up. In Jan. 2012 I found out he was married, he had gotten married in June 2011! I was destroyed. How could he do this to me and her?! I finally flipped out and told his wife, I told her everything that happened though my whole involvement with him. And at first she was mad but later she apologized, she had never realized that she was originally the other woman. I have finally come to accept it and it feels like a complete weight was lifted off me. I am sorry for his wife about what happened but I could no live with it anymore, I had to let her know that he was screwing us over. I hope she ends up happy and eventually with someone who is much better than he is.