Feb 142010
 

Here’s what relationship closure is and why it’s so important, plus tips for healing and moving on after an unexpected breakup.

On one of my articles about breaking up, a reader asked about letting go of an ex when there isn’t relationship closure. Here, I describe what relationship closure is and offer suggestions for letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse — and stop obsessing about lost love.

relationship closureIf you feel abandoned (which often happens when relationship closure isn’t part of a breakup), read The Journey From Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson. Most people lose a piece of their heart when say goodbye to someone they love. But, life after a breakup (even without relationship closure) can still be meaningful, happy, and exciting – and there is love and laughter after breaking up! It just takes time to heal. Susan Anderson’s book will take you through the stages of grieving over a lost relationship, and help you heal without saying good-bye directly to the person you lost.

One of the most important things to remember about closure is that it often involves physical and emotional distance. You can’t heal and move on if you’re still seeing your ex. Or, worse, sleeping with him.

What is Relationship Closure?

Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication.

In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why their relationship ended.

Closure can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out, which helps with letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made. Relationship closure helps you heal by setting your mind at ease about how your love relationship unfolded. Even if you made mistakes and were part of the reason your love relationship failed, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future love relationships.

Denying an ex closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.

If you have no relationship closure, read What to Do After a Break Up.

Relationship Closure is Difficult Because…

When you’re the one who wants to let go, you may find it easier to avoid talking about it! It’s natural for people to want to avoid pain. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s painful to talk about weaknesses and faults. Closure can involve more pain than just letting someone go without explanation…which is, I think, what my reader’s fiancé was doing when he ended the relationship. He was trying to avoid causing her — and himself — more pain.

It’s unfortunate that we’re not taught how to break up with people we love!

How to Heal Without Relationship Closure

This idea of surviving a break up is more fully developed in Letting Go of Someone You Love. Here are just a few brief suggestions about letting go.

To let go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse without closure:

  • Write a letter to your ex, expressing yourself fully. Don’t send the letter right away (if ever). The letter can be as long as you need; you can add to it for days or weeks.
  • Change your environment. If your ex moved out of the house, you might consider finding a new place to live. You might even consider moving to a different state or province.
  • Explore a different lifestyle. My reader mentioned that she worked hard on her career; after the breakup, she might carve out more free time to explore her hobbies, travel, or take classes.
  • Make new friends. You don’t need to abandon your old friends to find relationship closure. However, you may find it refreshing to build new friendships with people who don’t know you from your relationship days.
  • Get counseling. I’m a huge fan of counseling because therapists help you see yourself and your love relationships objectively. A counselor can help you see why you’re having trouble letting go of an ex, and help you learn to find closure on your own. My reader mentioned that she was pregnant but lost the baby; this can seriously complicate the whole process of letting go without relationship closure.
  • Recognize that you are responsible for your feelings. Nobody can “make you feel anything.” When you feel any emotion, you can choose whether to let that feeling sweep you away or derail it and put a more positive emotion in place. Those feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are emotions you have control over – you do not have to feel that way.
relationship closure

“Relationship Closure” image by Laurie

One way to heal after a breakup without closure is to focus on the benefits of being single.

Remember that letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days, peaks and valleys.

If you want your partner back, read Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back? 16 Questions to Ask Yourself.

“It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” ~ Anonymous.

And if you have any thoughts on relationship closure, please comment below. I can’t offer relationship advice or counseling, but I can listen! Expressing your feelings on not having relationship closure might help you heal and move forward.

Is your marriage in trouble? Get a free marriage assessment and free relationship advice.

If you're dealing with a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love
.


  71 Responses to “What is Relationship Closure? How to Heal Without a Goodbye”

  1. Hello Louise,

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out with the man you were involved with. It sounds like he cares for you a great deal, but can’t see himself being in a relationship with you. Ouch! That is very painful. My heart goes out to you.

    I believe God approves of my choice of husband because we were friends for 17 years before we married, and neither of us married anyone else in all those years. I believe God intended us to be together, and I feel at peace with our marriage.

    One major sign you’re meant to be together is if the man you’re in love with, loves you back! If he doesn’t feel it’s right, then God isn’t the foundation of your relationship.

    It sounds like you need to let him go, even though you may not have relationship closure. You need to accept the breakup, and trust God that someone else will come along who is right for you.

    I hope this helps, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. Dear Ebony,

    Thank you for sharing your faith and inspiration here! It sounds like you’re a stronger, healthier, happier woman because of what happened in your relationship. You’re using your experience to help others – you’ve gained wisdom and insight.

    Stay true to you and God,
    Laurie

  3. For those of you that have a relationship with God, just know that things will get better. Keep your faith, keep you head up. What ever you do, don’t go back. Especially if you know for a fact that you did nothing wrong. You submit, and chase, and crawl, and cry, they lose all respect for you, and honestly you will not realize how bad you look on the outside in. Let them realize what they’re missing out on. LET THEM MISS YOU. I’m living proof that by walking away from someone, even without closure, they came back and wanted to be with me. They wanted to be apart of my life again. Unless you feel like its truly sincere (always check with God before you make any moves.) Then don’t go back. Let go, let God have his way, something better will come along. I cried many nights when I had been broken up with. He did what he wanted to do with me and left and moved to another state. No goodbyes. Nothing. Never had closure, and I assume that I will never get it. Then there was another relationship, I chased after this guy for years, loved him with all my heart, he told me he loved me too, then he just stopped talking to me out the blue one day. It was cold and heartless. I couldn’t stand it. But I finally walked away and God revealed to me why he just stopped talking to me. He had a girlfriend the whole time he was dating me and kept trying to hide it. So he stopped talking to me out of guilt, and left me with a broken heart and an unsettled mind. Now I live, eat, and breathe love, love for me, love for myself, and love for who the true One is in the future. I hope and pray for the best, and I wish for the best. For those men that hurt me, I plan to never look back. Life is about moving forward onto to bigger, better, and sexier things, and when it comes, only God will be able to move me. I love me and respect me. Never again, until death…with I make a move, unless God approves.

    • Hi
      Can you please tell me how you know that God approves with your choice of man. You sound like an interesting person to talk with. I have sadly been very hurt by a man who claimed that we are not on the same ‘faith’ page. I am catholic and he is christian and heavily into his faith. Unfortunately I received an email to tell me he was never going to marry me, see a future, we can’t just be friends because of the bond we have. He can’t see me again because is he attracted to me and needs to distance himself. I tried to call him a few days after the email and send a text to say that I received the email and I was ok with it ( although truly gutted) and wished him luck. I’ve heard nothing and I now know he had moved back to London.

  4. Sometimes the only thing you can do when a relationship ends is wait for time to pass, and your heart to heal. Sometimes there is no closure, no formula or tips for making things better.

  5. My boyfriend broke up w me and im hurting.

  6. Dear Corinne,

    Thank you for sharing your relationship. I’m super happy to hear that you’re a Christian! I believe that your suffering through the end of this relationship will bring you closer to God, and that He will help you find ways to help other people through their pain.

    About seven years ago, my sister cut me out of her life with no explanation. I believe I know why she left me, but she didn’t give me a chance to say good-bye. It still hurts me every day, but I know my pain can actually be helpful to others….if I let it.

    How did your breakup improve your life, or your relationship with Christ?

  7. Dear Kim,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I think people with strong family ties will often choose their families over their partners, because they were raised believing family is the most important thing in life. It probably was not easy for your boyfriend to choose his family over you, but…he did.

    My heart goes out to you. I am glad you are looking into volunteer options to keep yourself busy – I hope you keep trying until you find the place for you! And, maybe you could think about going back to school or traveling. Anything to pull your head out of your relationship, and into a fulfilling, challenging life.

    Let me know how you are doing! You WILL heal and survive…it just takes time.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Laurie

  8. I feel like I retreated backwards. In college, I dated a wonderful guy (so, I thought) who I thought was the man especially made for me. We met in fall 2002. He and I would converse after class. I had no idea he was crushing on me. He would want to study with me for midterms and finals. I would arrange a small group and still no idea he crushed on me. Then one day we exchanged numbers, we chatted over the winter break. Classes resumed in January and he bought me late christmas gift to my dorm. It was a Yolanda Adams CD, chocolate covered raisinets, and random candy. They were the very things that we discussed over the winter break. I was so touched. The rest is history. He asked me to be exclusively his we professed falling for each other and we were a couple for 2 strong years. We were honest to one another. We had each other’s backs. We were our own A team. Then fall 2005 rolls around. Our senior year. He seemed like he was constantly under stress. His studies had suffered and he was one of the leaders of one of the leading organizations. He also held a part time job. I was pretty busy myself with classes, work, and campus activites. So, I told him that we don’t have to see each other so often so we can both have a breather. We were still committed to each other but instead of seeing one another 3 times during the work week and every weekend. We can see each other and every other weekend. It was a senior year and we felt like we should hang with friends more since we wouldn’t see them perhaps after college.

    Then the betrayal comes. He secretly began to chase after another woman on campus…a sphomore. I think they met in the same class we were taking that semester. When we were together, I trusted him so much and he trusted me, so working in groups dominated by the opposite sex was not an issue. He alsways assured me through his talks, actions, and attention that he was mind and I his. by the end of the fall semester of 2004, he acted sooo strange. I thought it was still the stress because surely he would tell me that he had a change of heart. I trusted that.

    Then 2/5/2005, long story short, he finally told me he had another love interest that he wanted to pursue and get to know this girl. I was crushed!!! Then later I learned that other people on campus believed us to be broken up since Dec 2004. I had no idea I was broken up. I was the last to know. The belief was that I could not let go of the relationship, which was why I kept coming around in January. I had no idea.

    I graduated from my undergrad with the identity of the “ex girl that could not let go.” Nevermind that he lied to me and never said anything. The funny thing is that one of the talks we had (we had several talks that just made me absolutely MISERABLE) he said if I ever did this to him, he would fall APART. Then why do this to me???

    It’s now Feb 2013, I’ve dated since then, but that relationship still haunts me. I moved states away and developed a fulfilling lifestyle. I have a stronger foundation with Jesus Christ and I find myself talking about this with my christian friends. It helps alot especially 1 John 2 or 1 John 3(if he was of you, he would’ve stayed, but since he is not he was not for you). It put things into perspective.

    Recently, his friends and one of my friend’s husband kinda work together and I was reminded of the pain just by the sound of his name. I would never be with him again but man does the pain hurt.

  9. The pain is so awful. The feeling of “I can’t see how I could ever love someone else and feel the depth of it like I did this one person.” In my case we had distance and age difference, me being the older one and him younger. It never made any difference to us. After 2 years we decided to move in together. When his family found out they made him choose between being with me and being disowned by the family forever or stay living at home, where they seriously wanted his income because they refused to work and make money themselves. Presented with the choice, he told me I was very sorry but he was staying with his family. He wanted to still be my friend, us see each other once in a while, take vacations, etc. I know he is not good dealing with emotions. I have not contacted him, however because of a group we are both involved with, he knows some of what is happening on my end. I did not freak out, but rather I told him I understand. Although he doesn’t know it, I am a wreck. I can’t seem to keep thinking maybe he will see his family is just using him and want to come back. I am taking steps as I have began getting out of the house, taking classes, walking…..but the hardest thing is I work a season job and this is my off season. I don’t go back to work for 2 months. All this time on my hands is making it so awful because I think of him. I don’t have a lot of money to just up and do things. The places I have contacted to volunteer to fill my time is not accepting volunteers. I’m so confused.

  10. I have a close friend whom feel for him.He went out with somegal he met online.Things were great of course then after a few months they started fighting more often.Then they will have great times in which they clicked in which they worked great together.He(Mr.R)tells me that (Ms.V)used to get him aggitated easily that things felt strange depressed after a couple days together,They didn’t live together.I ve met Ms.V a few times as well good gal.She was a professional type looking for a carear type of guy .Then one day they were somewhere for the weekend she start getting ticked at him as he was waking up as they were ready to head home she ran out started to yell at him then he got pissed turned around then pushed her away. She lost her balanced then sprained her ankle.They hanged out with one another a couple weeks later she ended it completely .Just out of the blue no contact was mean on the phone.She then started doing things every weekend with friends going on trips around the state with all her friends, opening her own expanding business, seeing someone new.That’s all great except my friend Mr.R practically paid for everything to just keep her afloat of her bills for six months this went onwards.She called him out of the blue talked for a while then decided to ask questions that were bothering him she didn’t want to talk about anything he had to tell her.She never returned or answered calls from him in the meanwhile shes living the life my friend is living in his car trying to find work she has nothing good to tell him.He tried to save the relationship he was the one who was trying to talk to people for recommendations,he has felt terrible so much so that he won’t goout with anyone thinking he might get ticked off at someone.mS.V told Mr.R that she would not reconcile tha she is moving sucessfully forward. I think to myself what a “witch” you know she wouldn’t be there for him if he was on a deathbed yet she goes to tearfully see her ex-husband of a heart attack.Mr.R was always there to help her out whenever he could they lived 35 miles apart.He did so much for her yet he’s hurting now she tells him blank off.that he did so many unforgivable things she never admits shes wrong.She should at least show appreciation for things he did.Instead she couldn’t care less about him now that she has wealth,friends,new lover, new home I would never forget her for that.I’m close friends with Mr.R heard both sides of story.

  11. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s a process, not a one time thing. That is, you don’t get closure or heal overnight. It takes weeks, months, or even years to get proper closure.

    It does help to be able to say goodbye, though. Healing seems quicker when you can talk about why your relationship ended.

  12. I dont even know if I need closure or not,since I now know im not dealing with an honest person,and closure involves honest communication,which I know I will not get frm him,I have just resorted to Prayer! Im soo hurt,devastated and cant just get him out of my mind.I did everything for this guy,why he chose to hurt me the way he did i have no idea.Getting closure will only allow him hurt me more with his lies and cock and bull stories!I am a very angry woman who is scared of geting closure.I hvnt said a word to him after I saw him with the other woman,not a word! but I believe Prayer is the best and only closure that a person in my situation needs at this moment.

  13. When I sit and think about how much I put into the relationship how loyal I was to a person who didn’t care I shut down thousands of time cause I couldn’t understand why he didn’t love me I did everything right but nothing was good enough for him I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me I chase him I gave him I put 100 percent than one day I was tried I don’t care why he couldn’t love me so u don’t need closure u need find urself and when u did and ur tried everything eles will be alrite

  14. Doesn’t matter which way you look at it or what steps you follow. It still sucks. The memories both good and bad haunt me daily. What was what is now and what might have been are my constant companions. All the years of my life have led to this moment and do I look back at what I’ve gained and lost with acceptance or remorse? I don’t want this anymore. I have truly learned that there are some things worse than death. One being waiting around lost in misery and simply waiting to die. It’s good to hear some of your success stories, it brings comfort knowing that at least some of us made it.

  15. After being with a woman I loved dearly, who I bought a car, and put through nursing school, who was divorced and living with her parents..for 5 years, come to find out when she finished school, she had actually had another man on the side, whom she had married three years prior, and yet continued to see me the whole time, 3 times a week, every week, sex, dinner, all of it. Not only taking my money, but my love. I had told her that I was done over text when I found out she was married. That was it, no closure, just anger on my side, wanting to tell her husband, but I never did. I wrote down all the negatives, all my anger. I couldn’t get her out of my head for a long time, a couple of years, so much anger. I dated, exercised, and did all the tips they recommend to get over someone.

    I must have dated a hundred women over a two year period. All of which wanted me, but none of which were my ex. And one day, I just woke up, and that was it, She wasn’t worth my thoughts anymore, she would regret not having me in her life, more than her in mine. I found closure in my own self.

    Not but two weeks later after that, I met a woman that just blew me away, and I was finally really open to love again, or at least taking the chance again. Closure or not, it just takes time to get over a broken heart, there is no quick fix, we are human, not machines. Closure is a figment of our imaginations, moving on is the reality.

  16. thank you so much for your article. I need closure very badly from my relationship as I have been struggling for months, and I just cant seem to let her go. I honestly don’t know how to say goodbye to this woman, despite all the attempts that I have made so far. Thanks for sharing anyway

  17. I realized that i needed to go to the process. I have been married two times and currently married for the 3rd time. I thought when i married my first husband i was going to die if he was not in my life. I put up with him physically abusing me and not comimg home for weeks. I did’t get the chance to make him pay for the abuse like jail or talk to him about a divorce he just left and never came back which left me without closure. One day something inside said to move forward, because it’s someone or something better out there. The second husband had to deal with my failed marriage to my first husband. I treated him like a option and was still yearning for someone else. The scars my ex husband left cost me a chance of being in a good healthy marriage. That loser was not worth my time or tears and my baggage broke up are marriage to a great guy and now he’s married to a great girl. I hurted for a long time and one day it was all over, no more pain just lessons learned. The present marriage is harder then both because he is wounded to, however, what i’ve learned is i will be alright if his decision is to leave or I leave due to us not being able to fix are differences. Love is a gift and should be easy not full of doubt; if he loves me? if he loves me not? I’m thankful for the journey and now i just want to love people that love me like my family and friends.

  18. I did quite a few things that I read in this article. I changed friends, career, I even took up extreme hobbies like mountain climbing, I also went to counseling for a while. The funny thing is I hadn’t felt better about myself, the way I looked, the positive attitude I have about life and the future. Then it happened the inevitable ex wanted to talk and all I could do is say NO in everyway I could think of – so it begs the question do I need to know why? He was never honest to begin with so who’s to say he’ll be honest about what happen now? I didn’t want to run the risk of dredging up our past the marriage and all that he had done – I want to move on as if he was someone I had met once long ago and thats’s it! Maybe I’m crazy but I lived through the pain once and I never undserstood the why’s so how is that going to change. I feel like speaking with him only give him power again – knowing what I am doing and how hurt I was…. I don’t know this article touched a cord because this all happen last night and now I can’t get it out of my head – ugh! and yet it was a simple call – imagine had I took the time how many steps back he could of set me….

  19. Closure isn’t something we find outside ourselves. I think we need to find our own closure in our own selves, especially if our ex-loved ones aren’t willing to help us with it. Relationship closure can take years, and sometimes never happens.

    I’ve found relationship closure by reading books that help me accept and be at peace with myself and my life. Other people find closure by burning relationship mementos, or writing letters, or moving to a different city or country.

    Maybe relationship closure isn’t something to seek…maybe instead we just need to accept that we’ll always feel attached to that person.

  20. chel,this is a sad situation to be in, raising a child with two parents is hard enough let alone by yourself..Maybe look at getting some counselling just to talk through with someone other than family or friends they cant always be objective.I know i wouldnt have got through my sadness without talking to someone else who didnt know the other person.Your therapist can maybe just give other suggestions that may help,and even put you in touch with others in same situation.You need to be emotionally strong for your little one thats coming in body and mind.My heart is with you..all the way from Australia.

  21. Im trying to find closure for the relationship I had with the father of my child. I’m still pregnant, at 22 weeks along and no matter how happy I am to be expecting, even without the father, I still feel the feeling of doubt and sadness about not having him in our lives. I haven’t seen him since I was three months and he hasn’t spoken to me or replied to me in over a month. He’s disappeared for all I know. I know his way of dealing with our break up is just not to confront it at all, but I’ve been the type to always talk things out and seek amicable closure from my meaningful relationships.

    The hard part about letting go is that he’s literally a part of me.I have a part of him growing inside me and that makes it much harder to just move on because I’m reminded everyday of him, almost every minute. I’m trying to be strong for the baby and the last thing I wanted to become compromised is the happiness I feel about expecting. I’m seeking ways to find closure on my own. I emerse myself in work, I’ve started a business, Ive been working on my house to prepare for the baby, I’ve even started to write a letter to him, which I won’t be sending.

    One of the things I’ve realized while writing that letter is how confused my emotions are. I can’t write objectively yet as when describing one thing without fault, I’ll describe another thing in an amicable fashion, and the next thing in a condemning fashion. Its become clear to me that I still have love for him and wish things turned out better, but I also feel intense hatred toward him and distrust. I know my emotions are my own and essentially independent of him. It’s much easier said than to done to find closure on your own and truthfully, it feels damaging and defeating.

  22. The words closure,heal,get over,time whatever you want to call it sometimes just doesnt cut it..there are some things in life that we will never heal from,however as long as our hearts beat and our lungs pump,the world keeps spinning and we get up, get dressed and show up, life will go forward and we will move on.NOt necessarily get over and all those words but move forward.And some days you just feel like crap and thats ok.But one day you will notice you went a whole day without crying,and that is moving forward..

  23. Melissa,

    Oh wow… does your post bring back memories! I dated a man in my city (lets cal him Scott), met him online, things moved very quickly. He so loving, incredibly attentive, remembered EVERYTHING I told him. We laughed, danced, sang, spent hours on the phone weekly. I was CRAZY about him! One evening we were to go to dinner theater when he called and said he had to work late (covering for an ill employee) which was not unusual. I had to run my nephew to his job (his car broke down) before dinner theater, and was stopped at a traffic light about two blocks from Scott’s work when I just happened to look at the car in the lane next to me and saw Scott with another woman (it was at the time he normally got off of work). We made eye contact. After the light changed I pulled into a parking lot and texted “I thought you had to work late”, he never responded. I was crushed. I never heard from him after that. A month and a broken heart later I got a call from a woman saying she was Scott’s live-in girlfriend of 2 years (she was the one I saw him in the car with). He accidentally left his cell phone at home that day (he never left that phone unattended.) It buzzed constantly throughout the morning so she thought there might be an emergency so she looked at the calls. That’s when her world was shattered. She found out he had 7 other women he was doing this with. She called all of us. He was a psychopath and was lying to us all (One of the women he was “engaged” to was a psychiatrist, she didn’t even suspect). He had asked four of the 7 women to marry him. He used a friend’s apartment and told us it was his. He had a brilliant mind and was able to remember every little detail about all of us, never confused the facts about any of us (I know this because four of us got together one evening and compared facts, none of us suspected anything). Two of the women he was involved with were from out of town, one of them was flying in the next week to spend the entire week with him. His current girlfriend didn’t suspect anything. Long story short… I actually got closure when I found out what kind of person he was. Even then – it took time to heal and I mourned. He manages a restaurant 2 blocks from where I work, I still think of him everytime I pass it (only without pain now.)

    Melissa, a man would not have someone he cares about fly into town to be with him and stand her up. I’m sure you suspect by now that something isn’t right here. I wish you could have a better answer, and more closure. Whatever you do – DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. We are human, we want love and affection – and we tend to trust people to be who they say they are. And you are right, sometimes time is closure.

  24. I met a man when I was on vacation, it was completely random and it was a complete shock that he pursued my attention the very day I left to go back home. We were inseparable. He called me every single day, and we very quickly began talk in any way that we could. Nightly Skype dates, texting, the whole package. I became swept up in him in a very short amount of time. We we’re very clear with our feelings from the very beginning, stating how we felt about each other and putting it on the table that regardless of just meeting and living in different cities, we wanted to get to know each other, and that included in person as well. I began to feel things for him I never felt before, and that includes my past relationship of 4 years. I was easily falling for this man and I could not control it. We we’re right “there” together.
    We suddenly hit this awkward stage, and it was as though I was scared I had showed too much, scared him off, or worse. I couldn’t handle that so I made sure he knew (even if in my head I couldn’t help but wonder) that I did not carry expectations and that we we’re just living in the moment, taking each day for what it was. It began to get real, almost as though we evolved a little.
    But unfortunately the hiccups continued, and I was left hot and cold. I knew that something had changed, but I didn’t want to really say it out loud. The hardest part is even when I slowed things down he’d always come back and sweep me off my feet. There were so many times he did this, and anyone who knows what it’s like to be in my shoes knows how hard it is to resist. Because regardless of any situation you just want to be with your person and be the cause of their happiness. I didn’t know it would cause me so much pain to not get out when the signs were clear. I was so clouded by every emotion I remember from the start, living and breathing on past moments together. Thinking it was IMPOSSIBLE for him not to care about me because every time he always came back.

    At one point it was almost as though I thought I lost him for good, it was like he disappeared and through many sleepless nights and MANY cries, I was prepared to say my last goodbyes and hold my own even though I felt so weak inside. To my surprise he came back and said sweet nothings and told me he hadn’t forgot about me. Every woman’s dream right?!
    Well I should have known it was a dream. And I should have let it go, because when I continued onward with him he ended up hurting me more than anyone could ever imagine, more than I ever knew was possible for him.
    We planned for me to visit him, we both expressed our greatest excitements’, and truth be told I was ready and prepared to just experience an amazing weekend and know that it could potentially be as far as I’d get. Little did I know he would stand me up, and I would spend an entire weekend in his city alone with my hopes and heart crushed.
    He started off with texts saying he was running late, and then he would disappear on me. He just continued to say he was on his way and then he’d leave me hanging. Eventually he just quit all together and I never heard from him again. I expressed my deepest sorrow to him, and regardless of how angry I felt inside, I never let him have the satisfaction. I kept my composure, and even let him know he could be open and real with me, and if he wanted out of my life to just say it because it was ok. I never did hear from him again, and I probably never will.
    The hardest part is not knowing and having everything left unanswered. I’m left here clobbered and I just wish so bad I could have closure so I could move forward with my life.
    This article is helpful, but truth be told the only thing that will really make things better is time.
    To anyone who is suffering heart ache, just know it will get better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But one day.

  25. Im trying to find closure in my on again off again relationship which has been going on for around 2 years.He is in a 12 step program which makes things a bit more tougher as they have a few extra issues to deal with.He told me a month ago he loved me but then within that same week he told me he had met someone else.I didnt get any real answers to why, as he is a recovering addict they really struggle when faced with any kind of emotional trauma as in relationship wise.so to answer that question was really naive of me to ask it. the article is so true that you have good days and bads backwards and forwards..Dont give yourself a hard time and try and turn those wounds into wisdom.

  26. Well I went out with a gal for about a year.We did a lot of good things together.I was thoughtful to her always glad to see her even though she lived 50 miles away along witht the fact she had worked long hours at her work.We started bickering at each other then it came down to yelling at each other then one grabbing a rag stuffing it in her mouth for a second after telling her to stop yelling at me three times.Another time I has slapped her in the shoulder after arguing she claimed had a bruise from it.She then tells me that we bring out the worst in each other.Well she brought out a lot of good as well.I really have feelings for her yet she rarely text or talks to me after these last two months.She tells me that she can’t see me anymore yet I feel strongly that I could help work it out with her if she’s willing.It’s a trust thing now,she knows I like her back despite the fact her friends are on her side yet my friends try to reach out talk to her.Does anyone feel that this is a lost cause? I feel that I have a slight chance,it will take some work yet if somehow I could break through then with her co=operation different approach there may be a chance.

  27. Me and my bf been together for exactly 4 months but it felt like 2 years he was the best thing that happend to me i guess you can say but when i found out he wasn’t happy and he was miserable it mad me sadder I TRIED TO fix things but nope. I lost my virginity to him which makes it alot harder to get over him :’( and he has more reasons why but won’t tell me he blocked me on f.b nd ignores me Help

  28. I understand that it’s difficult to tell people something that you KNOW will upset them, I have had to do it myself in the past and its almost as uncomfortable giving the “bad news” as it is receiving it. However, when did it become okay to stop treating people with respect and dignity? Social and digital media (Twitter, Facebook, Instant messengers, email) make it easy for us to connect, to stay in touch, but at the same time they give people a “mask” that they can hide behind. These “tools” can dehumanize and disconnect us from the senses we rely on, and leave us wondering what the person on the other end is actually trying to say to us…

    Closure in a relationship is something we might never receive. If you cared for the person to begin with, if you ever honored that person at all than take the high road and tell them in person, or over the phone that you will be moving on. Yes they might be hurt, angry or sad by your disclosure, Yes you might have to put up with a feeling uncomfortable for a few minutes, but in the end they will respect you for delivering the news to them with kindness, and more importantly – they will begin to heal.

    For those of you who have posted here above and below my post – I’ve walked in your shoes, I know your pain. The buck stops here though… I refuse to treat others like I have been treated! Responsibility, dignity and kindness… do it!

  29. My ex-boyfriend dumped me 4 months ago after I accused him of seeing someone else and insulting him. I want him back in my life but he refuses to have any contact with me. I’m so confused, and we have no closure in our relationship. I was wrong and now it’s too late.

    Thank you for writing this because it helped.

  30. After five long years my heart aches with pain my mind is in shambles and my life is in pieces I really don’t know how to move on I’ve been in two relationships one for four years another for five years I’ve be doing this since I was fifteen years old things seem like nothing is really meant to be I just need to heal so I can live again

  31. and im bearly 20 years old and im willing to fight for this love that my husband and i havee i love him and im his love soildier his 23 i guess well see eachothe once were on our 30s damn its sucks i try not to think about it because its a longg time the worst part is that i dont my papers and not legal and i can even goo see him to prison maybee people hellpp

  32. My Story started in 2006 i was 15 i had me the love of my life (thought so than)We were the happiest couple ever that everybody hate it on it lastes almost 3 years till he left me unexpectally without the courtesy to even tell me he didnt wanted to be with ,not just leave me aftyer everything my family and i had done for him,i love him withh alll my heart i was down for hiim to the foelest we did everything together we already had our plans for our future but that day we never talked to each other again as a couple was one afternoon that we had gotten out of school early ;i walked him to the bus stop to go with that bitch but i didnt know and than before he got on the bus he gave me a a good bye kiss and tight hug and told me i love you p for some reason after that i felt like if i was never gona see him again and yup he shine me off straight up ever sinse that day dammnn it broke my heartttttt into million pieces it was such a deep sharp shocking pain that didnt even make me cry and didnt want to!at some point till 2 months later i go to his house and try to pick up some stuff and im getting to the apt and i seen him with her in a lil slut dress and him holding on to her i was surprised and try to beat her upp but they didnt let it happennn it was horribleee;its been 3 years and we never when back im guessing he stilll with her he had came bak to me 1 year after he came to visit my mom end up stayng wit me that night we spend a whole day n night together just talking and for the next day he lefttt and dissapeared from my life once again witout telllin me nothing n didnt even come to my moms birthday the same day he left DAmnnn the was time that really broke my heart and broke down in tears it was the worst depression in my life i hqad finally realised that he didnt love me or even gave a fuck about mee after everythinggg thats when i decided to move one than 2 years after i met the man of my dreams and became my huisband i was finally happy again thinking everything was gonna b perfect than now he gets locked up for 8 yearss and im goinnng bcrazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy why dis happen to meeeee :(but i believe and loooking forward them better dayss

  33. Hi everyone. I am going through the toughest time of my life. My husband of 3 years has left me with no explanation..just ignoring me. He is from America and I am from England. We were planning on me moving there really soon.. and saw eachother every month.
    He is in a band and tours every now and then, but that has never been a problem till this tour… we have been having some problems but nothing major.. yet within a week of being on this tour he started distancing himself… hardly any replys to my messages on fb.. NO calls.. becoause he was out of signal(so he says) and too busy and tired and ill etc.. all the excuses, that funnily enough never bothered him before during the hundreds of tours.
    I have a strong feeling he has met someone else on this tour. He wont reply to me.. wont talk to me about anything. I just dont know what to do. My whole life is my marriage and my child (who he is step dad too) I just dont know what to do… :’-(

  34. Its not really easy tryin to move on without closure, i am going throu a rough patch as well after my ex boyfriend broke up with me two months ago.. The break up was all unexpected because just before i got a text message from him telling me we should break up we were really in good terms, he told me that he wanted to be alone for a while, i accepted cos i thought it was not really over and that he will come back and start again, well i contacted him a month and a week after but he told me he had a girlfriend, after some time he invited me via social network and told me he was cheatin on me and stuff so that is why he broke up with me but he is still dating the same girl, i still think there is more… 2 months down the line he called me saying that he misses me and that i should visit his place when schools closes cos hes at varsity and im at college, (we were in a long distance relationship and i am the one who gets to visit his place). after i got this strange call from him, i am really depressed its like i moved back to step one, i try so hard not to contact him again and i know i wont but i still have hope that we will get back together but i also know that im wrong and that i have to move on. any advice would really help..

  35. I am in a situation of not getting closure early on coming back to haunt me. I fell in love with a guy when we were both 19, I think maybe we were too young but despite how we felt about each other it fell apart because he wouldn’t let me in. For 3 years afterwards I searched for answers begged him to take me back the works. Eventually time healed me enough to find someone new, and I fell in love with him. Its not the same love I had then but it’s far more than I thought I could. Now my ex is back pouring his heart out to me trying to give and get closure. I think he actually is trying to win me back instead. He says that he wishes he had said what he wants to say now back then so I’d be with him today. But its just too little too late… love isn’t a game. If our closure chat was even a year earlier today I would be with him

  36. I met the most wonderful caring man that came into my life when I felt just lost. Our life was perfect, we loved each other in a matter of weeks , we couldn’t be apart at all. At night if he wasn’t there I would wake up short of breath. Looking back maybe it was to soon , he was only 20 I was 23. We broke up 2 years in because he said he was scared to love someone so much and find his soulmate at 22. I was heartbroken I couldn’t sleep , eat or even go to work then 2 weeks later he took me back and said he’d made a mistake. Once again all was perfect, my world turned again , it had colour . Then once again after another year passed us by he left me saying he wasn’t ready for this to be his last relationship. Once again I’m heartbroken I only want him no one else, he keeps calling and saying he wants me in his life as friends but I’m not sure anymore . How can I get closure if I still hold hope he’ll rescue me again from my misery? Can relationships be ok the third time around or am I fooling myself? All I hear is how you never forget your one true love but I don’t wanna forget , a part of me knows he knows I’m the only women for him, to make matters worse he has aspergers ( a slight form of it ) and I’ve done a lot of reading on it so maybe this is what confuses him so ? I’m completly helpless :-(

  37. my x wanted to end the relationship because he doesnt want to hurt me further. he admits his feelings werent as strong as my feelings towards him. there are many other reasons on why he wants to break up too. however, he said he still wants me in his life meaning remains friends but i refused. so he said “with the greatest respect and wishes” and “wish the best for you and farewel” what does it means? he said it means see you at some time. im confused. i dont want to cut him out of my life but im doing it because it’s best for us.

  38. I met someone when I turned 19, he was my first love. I didn’t really like him at first, but the more time we spent together, the more I fell in love with him. I loved him so much that I didn’t want to hurt him, I guess I got my wish, he hurt me instead. We had a long distance relationship, visited back and forth, went on vacation together, I love him dearly. He just stopped calling and that was that. I emailed, phoned and wrote, I did all that I could possibly do to reach out to him. The only thing I didn’t do was go out there to him, and he knew I couldn’t. It has been over 10 years now and I still wonder why, I really despise the feeling of not knowing. I always wonder how the person you adore and love and share mutual feelings can do something like this, how can they live with themselves like nothing never happened? How can you wipe someone out of your life and just move on. Now I found him on facebook, sent him “friend request” didn’t even accept. He left me for a single mom with kids and now they have their own family. I have moved on, I have my own family as well, I love my husband dearly but I still wonder what happened. I sometimes wish I could walk up to his face and all I want to ask is why? I wish I can erase that part of my life and enjoy my beautiful family without pain and sadness in my heart. Stop hurting people out there, why can’t we just say how we feel?

  39. Myble…

    I feel for you and had the same situation. I am also 50ish. I reconnected with a teenage crush via facebook and had a tumultuous 2 yrs.We are both divorced. The first summer we began seeing eachother, many plans were broken, cancelled whatever however this guy would call and text me at least 20 x a day. I learned after that summer he was seeing a younger married woman. It ended. By that October, we were on again and things seemed good- he met my kids, called all the time but after some nasty defensive behavior , I learned once again, he was with that same person- we fell apart Jan of 11.By April of that year, he reached out to me saying she had gotten too dependent on him, he was disenchanted and it was over- so once again, we went away for the weekend and it began again.I could tell once again a month later when he kept blowing me off, she was back. Don’t ask me why but by July 2011 we had gotten together again and going strong for 7 months. He would call and txt me daily , spent every weekend at my home, met my family several times. He ended up being my best friend. Not sure how it happened but he missed a night, which was no biggie but the next day exhibited weird behavior, tried to cancel upcpming plans saying he could ot coem to my home as my daughter was sick 3 days before and it may be infected, so I went to his home- I gave him a belated small token for valentines day( a small cheap gift and card)- he freaked out and said our relationship was over because I don’t listen and we were NOT supposed to exchange gifts, I was dumbfounded! That’s no reason to dump someone..I had a strange feeling, and I learned in a few days that the married woman had left her husband and had reached out to him months prior and was calling all the time- they had sex onbe night and that was the reason he was so rude to me the following day. I know there’s no right way to hurt someone but he insisted he was never in contact with her, and that I was nuts and possesive,I guess I just kept calling and texting expecting an apology which here it s a month later and I never got one. It just upsets me that he kept going back to the same woman, I probably would have gotten over this faster if he was playing the field and met someone new but it’s always her..the min she reaches out- he goes running to her. It just happened so quickly- one night we were ont he phone for 2 hrs- th next nght he doesn’t call and when he does, he’s rude, and a total stranger lookingor an excuse to get rid of me!It’s always easy to say move on when you’re with someone else as he is, but I am alone and that’s all I think about

  40. I am in my 50′s and doing “online” dating. I met this guy – we hit it off immediately, went out 2-3 times a week for about 3 weeks. He told me repeatedly how crazy he was about me, he would text and email me multiple times a day to send me “kisses” or tell me he was thinking of me. One evening he told me he thought “I was the one, the one god had meant for him”. Then the next morning he texted me and said he didn’t want to see me again – AND he didn’t want to talk about it. I was upset. About 10 days later he texted me asking how an ill member of my family was doing. I replied. The texts went back and forth and we ended up talking over the phone for an hour and a half (not about us), we laughed the whole time – had a great time. Then he asked me out for dinner and to talk about what happened to “us” the following evening. Again, a wonderful evening. He told me the reason he broke up was because an ex-fiancé had told him she wanted him back, that I had never done anything wrong. He wasn’t interested in the ex, but it was messing with his head. I could understand that, he also asked me out for the following day. That turned out to be another fantastic day (Sunday), told me how much he really cared for me, that he had missed me, that he wanted to date again if I would consider it. On Monday I didn’t hear from him – figured he was busy. I texted him in the evening asking how his day went and he replied he had been very busy and was tired. We didn’t speak further that evening. The next morning I sent him an email saying I realized he was dealing with some heavy issues right now (his elderly mother was also ill), and that it was fine with me if he wanted to go “slowly”, as I didn’t want our relationship to be another burden on him. That I would totally leave it up to him to decide how frequently he wanted to get together. (My goal here was reaching out to him because I knew he was in emotional pain, I thought I was being caring). Tuesday, he sent me a good morning text then no word from him. Tuesday night I met a friend (female) out for a couple of tacos after work. While I was there he sent me a email that said: “Wow, I can’t believe you don’t want to see me for the next few weeks, seriously? Thats it, I’m done. Don’t try to contact me cause I’ll block you. There is something seriously wrong with you”. I showed my friend his email and the email that i had sent him and we both were absolutely floored. How could he have so misconstrued my email to him? I was hurt and pissed off. So I went over to his house to try to talk to him and tell him I had NOT tried to break up with him! (My girlfriend also said “you should go talk to him in person”). So I was at his apartment for about 12 minutes. I could see lights on, and see him moving through the blinds, but he wouldn’t answer the door (it has a peephole, so he could see it was me). I wasn’t loud, i just knocked lightly. I also texted him, and tried to call him the few minutes I was there. Finally he answered with “if you don’t leave in 2 minutes I am calling the police”. Well now I was really upset, and I sent him one last text asking for 2 minutes of his time to try to explain things. No answer, so I left. But my hands were shaking so it took me about 3 minutes to type that text. I then got in my car and drove home. The police contacted me by phone as I was pulling into my driveway. They asked if I knew why they were calling – I said yes, and that he had asked me to leave by text, and I left. They said I didn’t do anything wrong but if I tried to contact him again he could potentially have reasons to file a harassment charge. That my boyfriend might want to contact me after things died down, and if he did then it was perfectly fine for me to reply to him. SERIOUSLY? He called the police on me for being at his door for 12 minutes? For the love of God… I told the policeman he could assure the guy that would not happen, I would never try to contact him again. And I haven’t, nor will I ever, ever want to have anything to do with him again. But honestly, is it so rare that people want to talk to someone in person after a “text” or “email” breakup? And is going to their home ONE TIME unannounced “stalking”? I should have not gotten involved with him again after the first time he broke it off with me. I did learn a lesson though… I will NEVER show up at a guys home unannounced again (nor have I in the past). But this online dating stuff is just so impersonal! Interesting find though: after asking several friends what they would have done in the same circumstance. All the women said they would have gone over to the guys house to try to talk to him (these women are all age ranges). All of the guys said “there is no way I would have gone to her house unannounced”. So maybe closure is something women need more then men? Ugh… I am still embarrassed that the police called me!

  41. I did have a closure with best friend.We werent together.I did expect it to end this way because he wasnt good to me like before.He didnt ask about me or care if i missed college for example.We used to always have fights regarding why he doesnt show the care he shows for his other girl friends.He always assumed im insecure.We ended our relationship via the phone.He said we could still be friends but not close friends.The last phrase caused me soo much pain that i am still in denial and i still try make things better between us but i knw it wont get any better

  42. @ SARAH,
    We all have our own perspective, that is what makes us individuals, seeing how you are thru his eyes is fair, IF he is willing to see things through your eyes also. He says really mean things, so does Perez hilton, people usually say the meanest things to those they love, but that does not mean it is okay. You should look forward to what will come your way, he is a strong, honest, capable and faithful man and having him propose and offer you a chance at a new life is great, accept his proposal and start a new life, forget the mean things he said, he probably meant it to help you grow into a better person. To become as perfect as he is in his mind. Just because someone in another country is starving and drinking disease infested water, does not take validity from your own pain and troubles. cancer effects people rich or poor, so if you happen to have better financial circumstances, does not mean your pain is any less important. Goodluck in your marriage

  43. I HAVE A LONG ONE I WAS WITH MY EX FR 2YRS WE DID EVERY THING TOGETHER HE WAS REALLY ABUSIVE AND I LEFT HIM ALONE BUT DEEP DOWN I WAS STILL IN LOVE I MEET THOS OTHER GUY N HE WAS SO SWEET HE TREATED ME LIKE A QUEEN 4MTHS LATET HE PROPOSED TO ME N THREE DAYS AFTER THAT WE GOT MARRIED I RECONNECTED WITH MY EX N WE HAD SEX I FEEL SO BAD BUT THEN AGAIN I STILL WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY HUSBAND ITS LIKE IFELT LIKE I RUSHED INTO EVERYTHING BECAUSE I WASNT REALLY N LOVE ITS LUKE I FORCED MYSELF TO LOVE HIM I KNO THAT I SHUDNT HAVE HAD SEX WITH HIM HE I PRAYED. BOUT IT BUT I STILL FEEL THAT IM N LOVE IM SO CONFUSED REALLY BUT I LOVE EMY HUSBAND HE REALLY LOVES ME ITS JUST THAT I HAVE TO ECPECT THE FACT I TOOK THAR OATH SO I HAVE TO REPENT DEEP DWN I WANNA TELL HIM SO BAD BUT I WILL BUT I GUESS MY HOLD IT N LET GOD FORGIVE ME

  44. HELP!
    I was with my ex bf/finance for 4 years and we broke up for the dumbest reason ever and sadly 1 month later he ended up gettin a new gf. So overall its been 9months since things ended and he’s been in a relationship for 8months now :/…it sucks so bad and we have not said one word to eachother in those 9months. I recently have been seeing him around town and its killing me cause I never got closure. I feel like approaching him but I’m scared that he might think I’m stupid for still thinking about it. Idk what I should do

  45. I just received closure that was long over due for a relationship I was in. I was madly in love with this man, completely and totally head over heels in love. I would have died for this person but it did not work out. We ended up in a long distance relationship and were torn apart. Over the past five years we have kept in touch and talked about how great we were and how much we care for one another. We spoke about getting back together and even at one point did. After I graduated college we stopped talking a bit then around Thanksgiving of that year he came to see me. It was awesome, I thought we were finally on the up and up. In Jan. 2012 I found out he was married, he had gotten married in June 2011! I was destroyed. How could he do this to me and her?! I finally flipped out and told his wife, I told her everything that happened though my whole involvement with him. And at first she was mad but later she apologized, she had never realized that she was originally the other woman. I have finally come to accept it and it feels like a complete weight was lifted off me. I am sorry for his wife about what happened but I could no live with it anymore, I had to let her know that he was screwing us over. I hope she ends up happy and eventually with someone who is much better than he is.

  46. My story may seem a little odd. I re-connected with my first love after 25 years. I never got married or had any children always thinking that one day we would be re-united. We dated from 17 to 20 years of age and she broke off more than once but always wanted to come back after about 1 month. Even had an affair with my best frined at the time. I had not heard from her for 2 years after the final breakup and she called me out of the blue to tell me she was getting married. Well, 25 years later, I find her on facebook, send her a message and we hook up for dinner 3 months later ( I was sort of nervous to see her again ) We started a relationship, and because of her super busy schedule, I got to see her maybe once or twice a week, but always had this knot like feeling in my stomach. She is a chartered accountant but has also become a healer, a tarot card reader and claims to be a witch and says she sees spirits( bad ones) attached to me. I am a simple man, live in the moment as much as possible and love to create ( I am a full time artist in the public metal sculpture field). after a year and a half of dating, her telling me I am the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with, she started to not answer her phone or respond to me emails anymore. I surprised her one evening by showing up at her place un expected which ihad never done before. Her place was a mess, smelled of old cat litter, stuuf everywhere and she invited me in, like she was happy to see me. Asked me if i wanted to spend the night. A friend had driven me 70km out to her place, so I told him she wanted me to stay and he left. When I got into the house, she told me she was sick all week at work. I asked her what the trouble was, she said it was me . She said that everytime we had sex, she was sick for several days afterward because the light in her came into me, but the dark from me went into her and made her sick, and for that reason she could not have sex with me anymore and made me sleep in a separate room that night. I called my friend up a 2 am to come and pick me up and he did, thank God. I have not heard from her since and it has been 2 weeks and to tell you I had no real closer but believe these words ” Narcissistic people” and look it up and it might help you to heal. I am on my way to a quick recovery because the further away I am from her, the safer I feel. I called her ex husband and he told me she took their then 6 year old daughter to an exorcist to have the demons exercised from her and the 14 year old is still traumatised to this day. And her poor ex, made him sleep with garlic under his pillow for 7 years and had him throw out all of his belongings and their daughters toys claiming they had evil spirits attached to them. Thank the good lord.

    Georges.

  47. I don’t completely understand how I messed things up, but I understand that I only see through my own perspective. I’m trying to see our relationship and myself through his eyes, but don’t know where to start. I don’t know whether to feel free, and relish in the possibility of where I will go and what I will do, and finally enjoy the interests that I had set aside, or feel sad for the man who proposed to me, and made me think about having children that looked just like him. I suppose in the larger picture, there are hungry, scared people around the world that would love to have my problems, and its not as if we invented some new scenario. It’s just that to me, I’d started to look at the world with him. It was nice having such a good friend, better than I’d ever had, for the last few years. I will stand by saying that he says really mean things, though. All in all, I wish him happiness and a good wife in someone else.

  48. ive been involved with ths guy for over 10 years. i have been thru a lot with him. Although we never really committed to one another he always had my heart frm day one. We lost touch for two yrs then he came looking for me and we reconnected n it was wonderful. i told him ive loved him frm day one and that even tho we lost touch he never left my thoughts. so it sounds like a happy ending right? wrong its been one year we reconnected and im jst not sure if he can truely give me wut im looking for. but at the same time i love him with everything i me. so much that it hurts deep down n my soul to think that maybe i have to set him free if he doesnt want the same the same thing i do? hes the first thing on my mind when i wake n the last thing before i close my eyes. i just dont kno exactly how he feels and its slowly killing me. i just need to kno becuz only then can i begin the process of letting go. until thn my heart is so heavy and i feel so vulnerable n weak. there r days whn ive tried to tell myself to move on thn he does or says something that makes me realize y i continue to hold on. So tell mr how do u let go of the one u have loved for so long bt never really had. i kno my answer is in that same sentence bt my heart just wont let go????

  49. Heather.

    I know how you feel. I am going through the same thing… Always doing the thing the other partner wants because we love them, giving things up to make them happy again :(
    Truth is, that person themselves are the clingy individual. Let me tell you something…. You’re beautiful, you are so special. You are a stunning person in mind , body and you know why… Because you know how to love someone! I have been so devastated the passed few months, the women I chose to marry , have children with and bought a house with just upped and left me. What’s worse is she is my manager… I have now found out it’s due to a string of affairs she has been having…with other people at work. I gave up so much for her and still love her to this day…but we just were not right together. It hurts so much… I’m healing, and now understand I WILL get better. I have goals, a new job, I keep myself so busy but I don’t suppress my pain because pain is healthy and it will pass.
    What I’m saying is, ride the pain, really feel it. Cry regular but the way to heal is to remove he problem. Lose every memory of him, if you like box up all those photos, don’t wear the cloths he bought you, remove all visual items of him. Today I went sailing, I throw alot in the sea… It really helped.
    Treat yourself often but don’t become selfish, if you believe in God, take a moment to be near him, history says God is close to the broken hearted, his heart was broken often by others. He/it will give happiness over and over again sooner than you think…
    Keep yourself healthy, take walks in the sun, help other people and be concerned for the people that love you, not the people that hurt you. The road is a tough walk, but I promise you will be a phoenix from the flame my friend.
    It’s hard, I’m feeling it too

  50. Devasted after break-up

    My ex, who i was with for 7 years, half of which was an engagement, recently ended things without any reason. He moved out with no warning and moved back in with his parents. I was shocked and devasted. Although he insisted that we were fine and he only moved out to have a little time to fix himself and his attitude, less than a month after he moved out he broke up with me. I continued to try to fix things and after 2 weeks back together he broke up with me a second time, by text message! Now he refuses to talk to me. On the one occasion that we did speak he would only say that he wasn’t happy and it, our relationship, “just didn’t last as long as either of us expected”.

    I don’t know what to do now. I realize now that he was emotionally abusive and I have no way of getting closure. I don’t believe the abuse was ever intentional. We both grew up in emotionally abusive homes and don’t know how to behave healthily in relationships. I’m considering trying to get him to meet me so I can confront him about the abuse and let him know how hurtful it really was but I’m not sure if I should. He also told me that at the end it felt like he was dating himself and that I only went along with whatever he wanted because it was what made him happy. He was right but I know now it was the result of the emotional abuse, I did what he wanted to avoid confrontation and criticism.

    Is there anyone who can help me? I feel so lost, rejected and worthless now.

  51. My story is about a rollercoaster relationship that somehow always got stronger each time. It started in 9th grade when he asked me to the dance. I went with friends and he joined me there. Apparently, his family was gone for the weekend, he was supposed to go but ended up wanting to go to the dance with me. Lots happened in between…. we were from 2 different worlds. He was cool and I was artsy. He ended up in a boarding school and I stayed in Connecticut. Summer came and went and we saw each other on and off. EAch encounter was special and no Rocky roads…until one summer night when he was supposed to pick me up and never did. I walked about 7 miles home, crying until I got sick. A year later we met up again at a concert. WE talket and then that was it. We both were going off to college so we knew that this was not going anywhere. Until he came to say good bye to me and promised to contact me once he was at school. He did. I was in Boston and he was in Bethlehem. Far away from each other….he called me every morning and I called him every night….letters came weekly…romantic, creative and füll of emotions…. we would meet in Connecticut when we could….this one October weekend was so special…. we had gone on a walk in a park…he gathered leaves together, so we could lay there looking at the sparkling fall day together…eh said that one day he was going to build me a house in the Woods, where no one could find us or hurt us…. i was confused but found it to be romantic….it made me fall in love with him even more…2 weeks later we returned home to find out he had cancer….tumor in his eye…he dient want to see me after that and sent me a cold card stating he had no time to see me over christmas break… i was a mess. My whole world fell apart….i gained weight and my emotions took over everything…3 months after his operation, he called and asked to see me….he missed me. So I drive the 8 hours to see him, with no money in my pockets, I arrived and he and I fell into each other arms…he is the love of my life…and I am assuming I was his….I had my doubts though…about a handsome guy in college….being faithful…come on… we were 18 going on 19….i began to feel that being there with him was the most important thing for me….but what about next week… were we going to go back to this long distance relationship..so much had happened until then…I lied about what happened to us to all the people at school…. I could not have sex with him…because of my weight gain….because I was not sure why he really wanted me there….he was frustratedand of course I did not know how to communicate with him…. no one ever loved me before….i left…we both cried…but i knew he needed someone healthy….and a chance to be at school with other girls…and have fun…that i was only a bürden…..i needed him….and i really loved him…that much. going back was hard….and i never stopped suffering the loss of him….but i had to move on..so i did… I left Boston and moved to DC. about 18 months later… he contacted me…. so i called his home… his mom gave me a number to call…i did..he asked if he could call me that night…and he did…we talket for hours….and he asked if he could call the next day…i agreed….then the most amazing thing ever happened….he arrived at my building the next day….6 hours in the car. i was so shocked that i did not know what to do…. i told the woman at the front desk…this is the man of my dreams….i looked at him…we went up in the Elevator…to my apartment…and i did not know how to act…what am i supposed to do…so i offered to show him around the city..( how stupid was I …off with the shirt…sex and no thinking…. would have been the right thing to do) WE came home, i cooked…he was not crazy about the food…maybe he was nervous. i suggested we go for a walk. we did. and that is when it happened…the door to our emotional past opened up…we talket and explained…and worked on us… he kissed me with so much passion….and I was never happier. He took me to an emotional place, I have never shared with anyone else, in my life. All that mattered at that point was us. He stopped to say…my parents think that we are too young to feel this way about eachother…. he said it but i did not listen, closer. That night we made love to each other….our first real time…yup….i think too much…and i let my mind take over… from the time we left the park downstairs to the time we ended up in bed…all these thoughts of him maybe having had another woman…took over…why was he here..what was going to happen…..the next day we got up..happy..both of us.. we went to his car….he looked at me and said…everything is going to be ok…dont worry….we kissed and he drov e off… i never heard from him again….30 years later….he is still on my mind…there isnt a day that goes by that i do not think of him….. and there is more… help

  52. It’s hard, really hard in fact….
    I put my life savings on saying that part of the ‘move on’ is meeting another person…
    The injured party suffers the most with letting go. Sadly I’m the injured party at the moment and I don’t want to let go of my beautiful ex partner whom I still adore – but shes happy and with another man, not interested in me at all…. Strange hey? Why do I want someone who only hurts me…. Hope these feelings change soon

  53. The only closure I could get at 30, is when I finally decided to meet my married ex gf after 7 years of her trying to get us together for a dinner. Although she had alot more in mind, even after living abroad, married to a good man, having a beautiful daughter, what not, I managed to limit the amount of physical intimacy, by being conscious and as clever as possible. There’s just something strange about that number 7. For seven years, she called, emailed, begging subtly for a meet which I always turned down, simply because she had another man. But the more I tried, the harder it got and we finally met, for a very memorable night, yet not without it’s issues.

    We were childhood sweethearts, grew up together, always loved each other, witnessed the death of a parent each, fought for each other, stood back to back, defying family to split. At 23, I took off, having suffered depression, loss of focus, all kinds of troubles. We could never understand why we split, although I admit, she gave her all to keep the relationship together. She tried everything, until a point where she gave up. What we had, well, I don’t think I can ever be that lucky again. To this day, she manifests in my dreams, sometimes in other family members who were close to her, mom and bro especially. She admits she’s always thinking about me, anywhere, everywhere, with her husband. It’s terrible in many ways, for years I told her to get over it, but she could not and made our meeting her top priority. She said she got her closure the next day and was ready to move on, at last but she did call a half a dozen times more for a few more days, till I left town.

    I’m really hoping to God, she has moved on, although the issues in her marriage, well…….

    But I do hope and pray for her. Don’t want to be in the middle of affairs, hurt children, shattered husbands. Not my thing, never will be.

    Have to admit that life is much, much harder than we really know. The things we strive to stay away from, hit us hardest, when we least expect it. Saying no, quite clearly, is a challenge, even if that means trying not to break a long, lost love’s heart at the cost of your own and her husband’s. She was the most loving woman I could have met on this planet, and I mean that with every fiber in my being.

    Love to all women out there

  54. I am over 40 and I thought people my age didn’t behave this way, I’ve been seeing a man for a year who suddenly stopped speaking to me 3 weeks ago then made his split with me offical via facebook! I was completely devesated that he didn’t have enough respect to tell me this directly or even call me on the phone. It is so cowardly to use social media to hurt someone like this and make no mistake when you do something like this it’s your intent to hurt the other person.

  55. I was in a relationship for 1 1/2 years which was pretty shaky. We had some great times but also not so great times. We always had a problem communicating and honestly never told each other how we felt. The end of our relationship was due to a misunderstanding which I yelled at her. We didn’t talk for a week and then she broke up with me over email. She said that she can’t put it into words but needs to move on. The problem is is that we work together and I still haven’t had any closure. It has been almost 2 months and we still have yet to talk to each other at work. I finally sent her a letter which told her how I felt about her but I except the breakup and acknowledged everything that I did wrong in the relationship. She still can’t talk to any of our mutual friends about the breakup. I still feel like there is no closure but since I sent the letter I’ve been able to start moving on. I have no clue even if she has read the letter. Last week she confronted me and told me not to give any of her stuff back for a couple months. I had never seen her act this way with me. It’s like I don’t even know her. The problem is is that we work together and will be spending a lot of time in the same area. I guess I just have to take care of myself but I still feel if we actually had a mature conversation about our relationship we could eventually reconcile and rekindle our love. I just wait patiently for the time

  56. Me and my ex “broke up” about a week ago after over a year of being together. We had broken up a few days before then, and we got back together. I felt like I didn’t feel the same, but I was wrong. We had gotten into a fight and I told him that I would text him later. We didn’t talk for that next few days. So, I just figured he didn’t want to be with me, cause he changed his relationship status on Facebook as ‘single’. Then I text him yesterday and told him I wanted my stuff by Friday. He told me I would have to wait, because he and this girl had a date. They had been talking all throughout our relationship, and once he was free, he went straight to her. I keep blaming her, but really they’re both to blame. I still love him so much and I don’t know what to do… I never knew he was like that. He told me that he wished he never told me he loved me. How is that supposed to make me feel. I know he’s just trying to hurt me, because I hurt him, but I never would’ve done what he has done to me. He bought me this necklace for Christmas, and he wanted it back to give to her. I keep trying to be okay with it, but I’m not. We never even officially broke up. I don’t understand what I’m feeling, though… I don’t know if I feel jealousy towards her, anger towards him, hurt by it all, or is it all of the above. I really need some advice on how to let him go. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

  57. I have been ‘seeing’ this guy for just over a year. He told me when we first met that he didnt want a ‘relationship’, which i was ok with, but neither of us ever intended it to last more than a couple of weeks. As we kept catching up, i think some complex feelings developed but he was still adamant that he didnt want a relationship but still wants to continue seeing me. I always assumed that he would kiss/sleep with other girls when he went out, but not actually knowing wether it happened or not, i was fine with. Anyway a few weeks ago, we were both at the same night club, and he kissed another girl infront of me. Obviously i was upset, he apologised and we moved on from it like nothing happened. Then again, 2 weeks ago he does the same thing. This time i called him up on it, understanding he is not interested in anything serious, but still his actions were so disrespectful and embarassing and i couldnt put up with it. He told me ‘thats what he enjoys doing, its how he has fun and he has no intention of changing’. If this wasnt enough of a sign that he doesnt care about me, i dont know what is. Anyway i continued to see him, then 2 days ago we were at the same place, and again he started kissing other girls. I got ridiculously drunk, started doing the same thing and just made an absolute fool of myself in front of him and his friends. I have absolutely no memory of the night but at the end of the night i went outside to find him, and i found him on the beach with another girl. I went home at this stage and jsut broke down. The next day he sent me a message saying ‘we have had a good run and he has enjoyed his time with me, but what he has been doing is unfair on me and we cant keep continuing to do it. he hopes we can still consider eachother friends, and for the record he didnt have sex on the beach nor did he intend to, and hes sorry for upsetting me’…. I have no idea what to do now. I know i need to move on, and i know i can, but its more the thought of him being with any other girl that upsets me, i dont want him to have what he has with me, with any other girl. And i stilll just want to be with him and put up with all the shit, because i dont want a relationship either but i cant not have him in my life. and i cant just be his friends. Any advice would be amazing!

  58. It has been comforting to know that I am not the only one that feels hurt since my closure with my ex-girlfriend never materilize except with a “Dear John” letter and a failed one on one goodbye. It is okay to feel these feelings as long as I recognize it and use coping mechanisms to deal with it. I am sorry that each and everyone of you has been or still is feeling hurt. After 25 years not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Met her in high school and I went into the military since i couldn’t afford college. Made a miracle deal in technical school and got stationed one state away from my ex. She wanted to get married and since I asked to wait until I got an education and a good job so I can support a family. I definitely was not a romantic type of individual and didn’t know how to make her feel special, especially lacked good writing skills. But every opportunity I had to be home with her I went. When the pressure got real high for permanent commitment I continued taking 3 college courses every semester since I worked at a power plant at night for the military active duty. Four months before I was going to get out, taking 3 college classes, and acquiring a state boiler’s license, studying for below the zone rank promotion board she gave me the “Dear John Letter” and I have been devastated ever since. I did everything wrong after that but was able to at least keep my composure to keep my career on track and now I have a great family-wife from college and three children. Unfortunately, I haven’t smiled since and I have done the positive things keeping super duper busy and accomplished many things to keep my mind off of her but I slip every oncce in a while and still grieving.

  59. I was left 4 months ago by a fiance of four years. I was told he wasnt happy anymore and wanted at 34 years old to get closer with his fmaily. I ignored lies and cheating once when it was early on, i forgave him. he seemed to have changed and we spent so much time together there wasnt time for him to do anything else with anyone. Then he started working nights and well hooked back up talking to an old female friend from HS and calling texting each other when i wasnt home or he wasnt. I asked why and he said to get advice about us. She didnt even know me! I knew then something was going on. I have no clue if he cheated on me before he left I have no way of knowing. I do know after he left that same week he was paying for a motel telling me he didnt want to sleep at his parents. Since then he has wanted to be friends again and honestly we have gone places and i do go over to see him and there is stil intimacy between us. I want to let him go I want to get revenge i want to see him upset like i am but most of all I want to forget this feeling that since i let him do things it all i deserve and will forever find ppl like him or be alone. I am scared and sad and hurt. I have seen his sites online he is signed up on for things and dating, i have asked him about it and all i get was i am not anymore over and over. then its i want to rebuild us to regain what we had then its just friends and we will see. he doesnt even let his family know we are tlaking still or trying as friends. he is 34 i am 38. what is wrong with him but most of all why am i letting him do this to me? I am so afraid to be alone and be with myself. I just do not know why I cant let him go and stop the hurt and sadness and just try for once in my life to live for me and not others and take care of me. I am taking these tips and going to hope i can pull myself through this. thank you

  60. i guess it is like “i’m not good enough?” – i keep blaming myself even though i know that this is not the way to go. i have this huge hankering for the old times, but this is not a possibility.

    i knew my marriage was over before it finally hit rock bottom and i’m very disappointed that my husband (huh!) had so little integrity that he brought the girl to be with my kids and in my home when I was abroad. I’m very disappointed. she took my hubby and now he’s allowing her into my home and befriend my kids when i’m not there? pardon me but WTH!

    so i figure we can just let it go. i’m going for counselling next week or so but i guess it’s not gonna be an easy affair.

    i hope to be divorced soon, as silly as it sounds. it’s less stressful than finding that your husband – who has the image of a saint – is sneaking behind your back. he not only lacks courage, but more importantly he is showing our sons that he has no integrity whatsoever.

    and it’s sad, because i’ve known him since 1991 – or at least i thought so.

  61. I have been with my ex for three in a half years. I loved him very much, he was my first love. We have been on and off, but we stayed strong and it seem to me as if it was getting better and better.:) Until something happened dumb fight, where he did not want to be with me anymore and he was dealing with alot of stress. He left me and months later he wanted to be with me again, I said no I was not ready yet. We were doing well giving each other space and beginning as new journey with each other. When I was ready to be with him, he said no. From that point on I have not heard from him. I tried contacting him. But i have not got any response from him. I am hurting so much. I didnt get no explanation, nothing. He left and that was it. He could not even talk to me face to face. Its been four months. Ive heard from his friends thats he has been busy with work. I cant let it go, and its so hard on me. I trusted someoneso much and how can someone not talk to me and let me know why..and just leave me as if I was not meant anything to them, especially when we were doing soooo well!

  62. I sort of had a relationship with a girl…what I mean is, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she still is, but, she is a year (now 2 years) ahead of me in school, so she graduated a year before I did. I wasn’t able to go to her graduation, so I never really got closure on our “relationship”
    We had talked before she graduated. not the day of graduating, or the day before, but years prior, and within the year she graduated (high school stuff, you know.) She was there for 3 years, and the only reason I kept going to school. I’ve made mistakes with her…a lot of mistakes…and I want to take them back…but she’s off at college and I have no way of contacting her. I used to have her email, but I’m sure she’s changed it by now. Her friends…well, I don’t think they’ve kept in contact with her. so, I dunno what to do now…I’m a hollow shell of a man that used to have a heart.

  63. I have a bit of a different situation. I don’t have any relationship closure with my sister…five years ago, she told me she never wants to speak to me again. She wouldn’t say why. She’d been pulling away for about 2 years before that, shortly after I moved to Africa for a 3 year stint.

    I keep telling myself that she ended our relationship without saying good-bye properly for reasons that are inside of her. It’s not about me; I did nothing to deserve being cut out of her life that way! I wasn’t a perfect sister, but I did not deserve to be treated like that.

    So, not having relationship closure doesn’t just affect breakups of love relationships…it’s family stuff, too. It hurts just as bad. Maybe more, because family isn’t supposed to leave you forever.

  64. Yes Laurie, I think that is the toughest part. Not knowing why. Not having a reason from the other side on why they left, or why they estranged themselves. I was left and not told why. Even though I asked and confronted. The answer I got was “I have my reasons and I don’t want to talk about it”. Then you lay awake for nights and nights thinking it over and over again, what it could be you have done. If it might have been something you could have changed or avoided. I think that is the toughest part on why we cannot get closure so easily. If someone told you, it’s because my feelings changed and I don’t love you anymore, it would hurt, but eventually you could get past it. But not knowing why just keeps hounting your every thoughts…

    But it’s great to know that we are not the only ones that feel this way. It gives me courage to work on getting past this. :)

  65. I think relationship closure has to come from within. I’m coping with a very painful family estrangement, and I have to heal without saying good-bye or even knowing the reason for the estrangement. So, I have to create my own relationship closure. It sucks and it’s heartbreaking, but it is what it is.

  66. I agree with you Sam so much. And I feel for you. He didn’t give you the closure you needed, most likely because he was a coward of facing you. But that would have been so important for you. He moved on found himself someone new and lived his life, while you were going through emotional hell. I’ve been there and still am there myself. And I know people tell you move on and be happy again, your ex is not worth it, but no matter what you do, no matter how much you try to keep busy with other things, keep you mind busy the ghosts always catch up on you and it all comes back in a second. Just wanted to shout out, you are not alone and I wish you all the strength you need to finally get that closure for yourself.

  67. I do not have closure at this moment, and I found out that he is seeing someone else, so I must move on. Whether he was with this girl when we were involved is irrelevant, he is with her and not me and I never will be with him. I did everything I could to be there for him and I will always remember our late night phone calls and texting sessions until the other one fell asleep. I am really confused and disappointed. I have to let the confusion go and accept him for who he is: someone I thought he wasn’t.

    He used me and it sucks. But I ended it and he is gone and he can’t use me anymore. I was miserable when I was with him because of the uncertainty and doubt. Right now I am pretty emotionally damaged and slowly learning to trust men again and looking to date.

  68. It’s so hard to move on without closure. I am going through a hard time right now exactly because of that. My ex and I never really broke up. At the time I just didn’t feel ready for a relationship but I truly liked him. We just drifted apart, he went on a trip , I went on a trip, there were some failed communication attempts and them before I knew it it was over. But I never really got to feel it was. So several months passed by and I still have this unease feeling when I think about him. A few days ago I found out he just got married and that was very hard. Since then I have done anything to get over it and move on but it’s hard. I have cried, allowed myself to be depressed and just be sad for a while; I have done the whole ritual and just finished writing him a letter that I might not send it. I just needed to vent. I got rid of everything that reminds me of him. But still I fill like I never got the closure I needed. I think I will only really get over it after I meet someone I really like again. Thanks for the article though.

  69. Thanks for your comments, Ally.

    I agree that proper relationship closure is the best way to heal after a breakup…but unfortunately, closure isn’t something that all couples get when they split.

    Hope to see you in these parts again!

  70. I believe that proper closure should be done when couples decide to separate. More than a healthy move, it aids both of them in letting go and moving on. It also helps them learn lessons which they can apply or avoid in future relationships. Great tips you have there Laurie. I’m sure couples will find these useful. Thanks!

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