What Is Relationship Closure? Healing Without Saying Goodbye
How do you heal from a breakup without saying goodbye? Here’s what relationship closure is, plus a few tips for moving on after a unexpected breakup.
On one of my articles about breaking up, a reader asked about letting go of an ex when there isn’t relationship closure. Here, I describe what relationship closure is and offer suggestions for letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse — and stop obsessing about lost love!
Before the tips, a quip:
“It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but forever to say Goodbye.” ~ Anonymous.
Most people lose a piece of their heart when say goodbye to someone they love. But, life after a breakup (even without relationship closure) can still be meaningful, happy, and exciting – and there is love and laugher after breaking up! It just takes time to heal.
What is Relationship Closure?
Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended. Relationship closure involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication.
In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why their relationship ended.
Closure can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out, which helps with letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made. Relationship closure helps you heal by setting your mind at ease about how your love relationship unfolded. Even if you made mistakes and were part of the reason your love relationship failed, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future love relationships.
Denying an ex closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.
Relationship Closure is Difficult Because…
When you’re the one who wants to let go, you may find it easier to avoid talking about it! It’s natural for people to want to avoid pain. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s painful to talk about weaknesses and faults. Closure can involve more pain than just letting someone go without explanation…which is, I think, what my reader’s fiancé was doing when he ended the relationship. He was trying to avoid causing her — and himself — more pain.
It’s unfortunate that we’re not taught how to break up with people we love!
Tips for Healing After a Breakup – When You Can’t Say Goodbye
This idea of surviving a break up is more fully developed in Letting Go of Someone You Love When You Don’t Have Closure. Here are just a few brief suggestions about letting go.
To let go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse without closure:
- Write a letter to your ex, expressing yourself fully. Don’t send the letter right away (if ever). The letter can be as long as you need; you can add to it for days or weeks.
- Change your environment. If your ex moved out of the house, you might consider finding a new place to live. You might even consider moving to a different state or province.
- Explore a different lifestyle. My reader mentioned that she worked hard on her career; after the breakup, she might carve out more free time to explore her hobbies, travel, or take classes.
- Make new friends. You don’t need to abandon your old friends to find relationship closure. However, you may find it refreshing to build new friendships with people who don’t know you from your relationship days.
- Get counseling. I’m a huge fan of counseling because therapists help you see yourself and your love relationships objectively. A counselor can help you see why you’re having trouble letting go of an ex, and help you learn to find closure on your own. My reader mentioned that she was pregnant but lost the baby; this can seriously complicate the whole process of letting go without relationship closure.
- Recognize that you are responsible for your feelings. Nobody can “make you feel anything.” When you feel any emotion, you can choose whether to let that feeling sweep you away or derail it and put a more positive emotion in place. Those feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are emotions you have control over – you do not have to feel that way.
One way to heal after a breakup without closure is to focus on the benefits of being single.
Letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy! Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days, peaks and valleys.
For more tips on healing without saying goodbye, read Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce – A Few Tips.
And if you have any questions or thoughts on how relationship closure is good but not necessary for healing, please comment below…
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Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
I am over 40 and I thought people my age didn’t behave this way, I’ve been seeing a man for a year who suddenly stopped speaking to me 3 weeks ago then made his split with me offical via facebook! I was completely devesated that he didn’t have enough respect to tell me this directly or even call me on the phone. It is so cowardly to use social media to hurt someone like this and make no mistake when you do something like this it’s your intent to hurt the other person.
I was in a relationship for 1 1/2 years which was pretty shaky. We had some great times but also not so great times. We always had a problem communicating and honestly never told each other how we felt. The end of our relationship was due to a misunderstanding which I yelled at her. We didn’t talk for a week and then she broke up with me over email. She said that she can’t put it into words but needs to move on. The problem is is that we work together and I still haven’t had any closure. It has been almost 2 months and we still have yet to talk to each other at work. I finally sent her a letter which told her how I felt about her but I except the breakup and acknowledged everything that I did wrong in the relationship. She still can’t talk to any of our mutual friends about the breakup. I still feel like there is no closure but since I sent the letter I’ve been able to start moving on. I have no clue even if she has read the letter. Last week she confronted me and told me not to give any of her stuff back for a couple months. I had never seen her act this way with me. It’s like I don’t even know her. The problem is is that we work together and will be spending a lot of time in the same area. I guess I just have to take care of myself but I still feel if we actually had a mature conversation about our relationship we could eventually reconcile and rekindle our love. I just wait patiently for the time
Me and my ex “broke up” about a week ago after over a year of being together. We had broken up a few days before then, and we got back together. I felt like I didn’t feel the same, but I was wrong. We had gotten into a fight and I told him that I would text him later. We didn’t talk for that next few days. So, I just figured he didn’t want to be with me, cause he changed his relationship status on Facebook as ‘single’. Then I text him yesterday and told him I wanted my stuff by Friday. He told me I would have to wait, because he and this girl had a date. They had been talking all throughout our relationship, and once he was free, he went straight to her. I keep blaming her, but really they’re both to blame. I still love him so much and I don’t know what to do… I never knew he was like that. He told me that he wished he never told me he loved me. How is that supposed to make me feel. I know he’s just trying to hurt me, because I hurt him, but I never would’ve done what he has done to me. He bought me this necklace for Christmas, and he wanted it back to give to her. I keep trying to be okay with it, but I’m not. We never even officially broke up. I don’t understand what I’m feeling, though… I don’t know if I feel jealousy towards her, anger towards him, hurt by it all, or is it all of the above. I really need some advice on how to let him go. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
I have been ‘seeing’ this guy for just over a year. He told me when we first met that he didnt want a ‘relationship’, which i was ok with, but neither of us ever intended it to last more than a couple of weeks. As we kept catching up, i think some complex feelings developed but he was still adamant that he didnt want a relationship but still wants to continue seeing me. I always assumed that he would kiss/sleep with other girls when he went out, but not actually knowing wether it happened or not, i was fine with. Anyway a few weeks ago, we were both at the same night club, and he kissed another girl infront of me. Obviously i was upset, he apologised and we moved on from it like nothing happened. Then again, 2 weeks ago he does the same thing. This time i called him up on it, understanding he is not interested in anything serious, but still his actions were so disrespectful and embarassing and i couldnt put up with it. He told me ‘thats what he enjoys doing, its how he has fun and he has no intention of changing’. If this wasnt enough of a sign that he doesnt care about me, i dont know what is. Anyway i continued to see him, then 2 days ago we were at the same place, and again he started kissing other girls. I got ridiculously drunk, started doing the same thing and just made an absolute fool of myself in front of him and his friends. I have absolutely no memory of the night but at the end of the night i went outside to find him, and i found him on the beach with another girl. I went home at this stage and jsut broke down. The next day he sent me a message saying ‘we have had a good run and he has enjoyed his time with me, but what he has been doing is unfair on me and we cant keep continuing to do it. he hopes we can still consider eachother friends, and for the record he didnt have sex on the beach nor did he intend to, and hes sorry for upsetting me’…. I have no idea what to do now. I know i need to move on, and i know i can, but its more the thought of him being with any other girl that upsets me, i dont want him to have what he has with me, with any other girl. And i stilll just want to be with him and put up with all the shit, because i dont want a relationship either but i cant not have him in my life. and i cant just be his friends. Any advice would be amazing!
It has been comforting to know that I am not the only one that feels hurt since my closure with my ex-girlfriend never materilize except with a “Dear John” letter and a failed one on one goodbye. It is okay to feel these feelings as long as I recognize it and use coping mechanisms to deal with it. I am sorry that each and everyone of you has been or still is feeling hurt. After 25 years not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. Met her in high school and I went into the military since i couldn’t afford college. Made a miracle deal in technical school and got stationed one state away from my ex. She wanted to get married and since I asked to wait until I got an education and a good job so I can support a family. I definitely was not a romantic type of individual and didn’t know how to make her feel special, especially lacked good writing skills. But every opportunity I had to be home with her I went. When the pressure got real high for permanent commitment I continued taking 3 college courses every semester since I worked at a power plant at night for the military active duty. Four months before I was going to get out, taking 3 college classes, and acquiring a state boiler’s license, studying for below the zone rank promotion board she gave me the “Dear John Letter” and I have been devastated ever since. I did everything wrong after that but was able to at least keep my composure to keep my career on track and now I have a great family-wife from college and three children. Unfortunately, I haven’t smiled since and I have done the positive things keeping super duper busy and accomplished many things to keep my mind off of her but I slip every oncce in a while and still grieving.
I was left 4 months ago by a fiance of four years. I was told he wasnt happy anymore and wanted at 34 years old to get closer with his fmaily. I ignored lies and cheating once when it was early on, i forgave him. he seemed to have changed and we spent so much time together there wasnt time for him to do anything else with anyone. Then he started working nights and well hooked back up talking to an old female friend from HS and calling texting each other when i wasnt home or he wasnt. I asked why and he said to get advice about us. She didnt even know me! I knew then something was going on. I have no clue if he cheated on me before he left I have no way of knowing. I do know after he left that same week he was paying for a motel telling me he didnt want to sleep at his parents. Since then he has wanted to be friends again and honestly we have gone places and i do go over to see him and there is stil intimacy between us. I want to let him go I want to get revenge i want to see him upset like i am but most of all I want to forget this feeling that since i let him do things it all i deserve and will forever find ppl like him or be alone. I am scared and sad and hurt. I have seen his sites online he is signed up on for things and dating, i have asked him about it and all i get was i am not anymore over and over. then its i want to rebuild us to regain what we had then its just friends and we will see. he doesnt even let his family know we are tlaking still or trying as friends. he is 34 i am 38. what is wrong with him but most of all why am i letting him do this to me? I am so afraid to be alone and be with myself. I just do not know why I cant let him go and stop the hurt and sadness and just try for once in my life to live for me and not others and take care of me. I am taking these tips and going to hope i can pull myself through this. thank you
i guess it is like “i’m not good enough?” – i keep blaming myself even though i know that this is not the way to go. i have this huge hankering for the old times, but this is not a possibility.
i knew my marriage was over before it finally hit rock bottom and i’m very disappointed that my husband (huh!) had so little integrity that he brought the girl to be with my kids and in my home when I was abroad. I’m very disappointed. she took my hubby and now he’s allowing her into my home and befriend my kids when i’m not there? pardon me but WTH!
so i figure we can just let it go. i’m going for counselling next week or so but i guess it’s not gonna be an easy affair.
i hope to be divorced soon, as silly as it sounds. it’s less stressful than finding that your husband – who has the image of a saint – is sneaking behind your back. he not only lacks courage, but more importantly he is showing our sons that he has no integrity whatsoever.
and it’s sad, because i’ve known him since 1991 – or at least i thought so.
I have been with my ex for three in a half years. I loved him very much, he was my first love. We have been on and off, but we stayed strong and it seem to me as if it was getting better and better.:) Until something happened dumb fight, where he did not want to be with me anymore and he was dealing with alot of stress. He left me and months later he wanted to be with me again, I said no I was not ready yet. We were doing well giving each other space and beginning as new journey with each other. When I was ready to be with him, he said no. From that point on I have not heard from him. I tried contacting him. But i have not got any response from him. I am hurting so much. I didnt get no explanation, nothing. He left and that was it. He could not even talk to me face to face. Its been four months. Ive heard from his friends thats he has been busy with work. I cant let it go, and its so hard on me. I trusted someoneso much and how can someone not talk to me and let me know why..and just leave me as if I was not meant anything to them, especially when we were doing soooo well!
I sort of had a relationship with a girl…what I mean is, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she still is, but, she is a year (now 2 years) ahead of me in school, so she graduated a year before I did. I wasn’t able to go to her graduation, so I never really got closure on our “relationship”
We had talked before she graduated. not the day of graduating, or the day before, but years prior, and within the year she graduated (high school stuff, you know.) She was there for 3 years, and the only reason I kept going to school. I’ve made mistakes with her…a lot of mistakes…and I want to take them back…but she’s off at college and I have no way of contacting her. I used to have her email, but I’m sure she’s changed it by now. Her friends…well, I don’t think they’ve kept in contact with her. so, I dunno what to do now…I’m a hollow shell of a man that used to have a heart.
I have a bit of a different situation. I don’t have any relationship closure with my sister…five years ago, she told me she never wants to speak to me again. She wouldn’t say why. She’d been pulling away for about 2 years before that, shortly after I moved to Africa for a 3 year stint.
I keep telling myself that she ended our relationship without saying good-bye properly for reasons that are inside of her. It’s not about me; I did nothing to deserve being cut out of her life that way! I wasn’t a perfect sister, but I did not deserve to be treated like that.
So, not having relationship closure doesn’t just affect breakups of love relationships…it’s family stuff, too. It hurts just as bad. Maybe more, because family isn’t supposed to leave you forever.
Yes Laurie, I think that is the toughest part. Not knowing why. Not having a reason from the other side on why they left, or why they estranged themselves. I was left and not told why. Even though I asked and confronted. The answer I got was “I have my reasons and I don’t want to talk about it”. Then you lay awake for nights and nights thinking it over and over again, what it could be you have done. If it might have been something you could have changed or avoided. I think that is the toughest part on why we cannot get closure so easily. If someone told you, it’s because my feelings changed and I don’t love you anymore, it would hurt, but eventually you could get past it. But not knowing why just keeps hounting your every thoughts…
But it’s great to know that we are not the only ones that feel this way. It gives me courage to work on getting past this.
I think relationship closure has to come from within. I’m coping with a very painful family estrangement, and I have to heal without saying good-bye or even knowing the reason for the estrangement. So, I have to create my own relationship closure. It sucks and it’s heartbreaking, but it is what it is.
I agree with you Sam so much. And I feel for you. He didn’t give you the closure you needed, most likely because he was a coward of facing you. But that would have been so important for you. He moved on found himself someone new and lived his life, while you were going through emotional hell. I’ve been there and still am there myself. And I know people tell you move on and be happy again, your ex is not worth it, but no matter what you do, no matter how much you try to keep busy with other things, keep you mind busy the ghosts always catch up on you and it all comes back in a second. Just wanted to shout out, you are not alone and I wish you all the strength you need to finally get that closure for yourself.
I do not have closure at this moment, and I found out that he is seeing someone else, so I must move on. Whether he was with this girl when we were involved is irrelevant, he is with her and not me and I never will be with him. I did everything I could to be there for him and I will always remember our late night phone calls and texting sessions until the other one fell asleep. I am really confused and disappointed. I have to let the confusion go and accept him for who he is: someone I thought he wasn’t.
He used me and it sucks. But I ended it and he is gone and he can’t use me anymore. I was miserable when I was with him because of the uncertainty and doubt. Right now I am pretty emotionally damaged and slowly learning to trust men again and looking to date.
It’s so hard to move on without closure. I am going through a hard time right now exactly because of that. My ex and I never really broke up. At the time I just didn’t feel ready for a relationship but I truly liked him. We just drifted apart, he went on a trip , I went on a trip, there were some failed communication attempts and them before I knew it it was over. But I never really got to feel it was. So several months passed by and I still have this unease feeling when I think about him. A few days ago I found out he just got married and that was very hard. Since then I have done anything to get over it and move on but it’s hard. I have cried, allowed myself to be depressed and just be sad for a while; I have done the whole ritual and just finished writing him a letter that I might not send it. I just needed to vent. I got rid of everything that reminds me of him. But still I fill like I never got the closure I needed. I think I will only really get over it after I meet someone I really like again. Thanks for the article though.
Thanks for your comments, Ally.
I agree that proper relationship closure is the best way to heal after a breakup…but unfortunately, closure isn’t something that all couples get when they split.
Hope to see you in these parts again!
I believe that proper closure should be done when couples decide to separate. More than a healthy move, it aids both of them in letting go and moving on. It also helps them learn lessons which they can apply or avoid in future relationships. Great tips you have there Laurie. I’m sure couples will find these useful. Thanks!