Reasons to Stay Married – Even When You Live Like Roommates

    Why stay married when you live like roommates, you ask? Because divorce isn’t worth it! These tips are inspired by a reader who loves her husband, but they live separate lives.

    husband lives like roommatesThe Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman is an excellent place to start. He reveals the key elements of healthy relationships, emphasizing the importance of emotional connection.

    “We have been married for three years, been together for 9,” says Beatrice. “I have been unhappy for about two years now. Everything is separate in our marriage, money especially. His is his, mine is mine, which is very frustrating when it comes to bills, going out, etc. I feel like we’ve lost our connection, we have been doing everything separately lately. We had a big talk about everything in May, and I wanted to separate, but because I am ‘too nice’ and don’t want to hurt him, I have stayed and tried to stick it out. I feel stuck and confused…what should I do?”

    Why Stay Married When You Live Like Roommates?

    “I do love him and he is my best friend, but I feel that we’re merely roommates,” says B. “I think taking a break would be a good idea, I just don’t know what to do to get there. I have had these feelings for a year at least! I don’t know what I am scared of. It gets frustrating at home; I feel that everything I do is not good enough. He is always pointing out the negative things or things I have not done, or are doing wrong. I feel like everything with him is a competition. Part of me wants to separate or possibly divorce, but then the other part is thinking maybe I do really love him deep down enough and that this can be fixed.”

    Divorce isn’t an easy decision, even for the unhappiest marriages. But, it may be easier in the long run to separate.

    Figure out what you’re scared of…working on your marriage? Divorce?

    In Why Do Women Stay in Loveless Marriages? I describe a few reasons women don’t leave their husbands. Take a look at that article, and see where you fit in.

    Also, I want you to take 20 minutes every morning to write about your feelings, thoughts, opinions, experiences, and life. This is what Julia Cameron calls Morning Pages; it’s an invaluable tool for cleaning out your internal closets. Writing down whatever is in your head will help you figure out what you’re scared of. It’ll help you figure out if you want to stay married, or if you’re serious about – not just flirting with – divorce.

    Dig into the source of your unhappiness

    When my husband and I went to Hawaii a few months ago, I was an emotional wreck. We fought almost every night – I blamed him for everything from cold pancakes to leaky snorkel masks. While we were there, I knew I was desperately unhappy…and I blamed the nearest, dearest person in my life: my husband.

    In hindsight, I see that the reason I was so emotional was because my grandmother (may she rest in peace) took me there twice. She was like a mother to me, and I feel like I didn’t give her the love or respect she deserved. I’ve got some unresolved issues there. And my sister joined us on one of those vacations; she and I have had some pretty painful relationship problems since them. More unresolved crap.

    What’s the point? Sometimes we have personal issues that our marriages, husbands, or kids trigger…that don’t have anything to do with the marriage itself. Sometimes we’re reacting to our own pasts, emotional baggage, and burdens. That’s what I was doing in Hawaii…and sometimes that’s the (unfounded, unreasonable) basis of divorce.

    Living like roommates isn’t the problem. The problem is what is causing you to live like roommates. Your job is to dig up the root of the problem.

    Remember that feelings of love come and go – but marriage should not depend on feelings

    You can’t love your husband with all your heart all the time! Well, you can act like you do, but you can’t possibly sustain constant romantic, sexy, loving feelings for him or your marriage. That’s the stuffHollywood movies are made of. The lovey dovey romantic marriages in movies are false, misleading lies.

    In reality, marriage is hard work. It’s a lot harder than most people realize, which is why so many couples end up divorce. You need to decide if you want to be married, and then you need to focus on building a happy, healthy marriage. If you keep waffling on whether you should stay or leave your husband, your marriage will suffer. You won’t just be living like roommates with your husband, you’ll start to destroy each other.

    Why not take six months to do everything you can to stay married? Invest some time and energy into figuring out what you want out of your marriage and how you can get it. If you’re still living like roommates, then you know it’s time for a Big Change.

    Get professional counseling – not necessarily marriage counseling

    The reason I suggested The Self-Sabotage Cycle is because she loves her husband and is best friends with him, yet she thinks he’s the source of her unhappiness. I don’t know if he is or he isn’t, but the problems she mentioned are normal parts of being married. Well, not all couples have totally separate bank accounts and lives – but all couples have issues they need to work through, and all couples go through periods of disconnection and separate-ness.

    The best way to figure out if your husband is the source of your unhappiness is to look inside you. A visit or two to a counselor can help you figure it out – and so can the Morning Pages, books about marriage, and resources for strong, healthy women.

    For more thoughts on staying married or getting divorced, read Should You Leave Your Husband? Help Deciding What to Do.

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    What do you think – are you wondering why stay married when you and your spouse live separate lives, like roommates?

    8 Responses

    1. mitchell says:

      my wife and i argue constanaly

    2. In a loveless married says:

      Married woman and others. I been married 32 years, I to totally agreed about older women getting out on there own. Older woman suffer the most they lose their husband money and go down step in living. My husband and I hardly talk anymore, If we and when we talk it about five words if that. I talk to friends an co-workers if I need a answer to something.

      Trust me, I did everything to save it. He was number one ,his happiness came first, Now, my happiness come first. Sex, what that anymore, I had a co-worker hug me once. All I could think was how nice it felt for someone to do, that. He goes into the bedroom all the time. I couldn’t even told are car got broken into. But like the rest of the women here I’m 57 who really gong to want me. At this age you should not be thinking about reasons to stay married.

    3. seekinganswers says:

      Wow…well spoken Marriedwoman. I’m in a loveless marriage as well after 25 years and I’m no longer good enough for him. I gave up everything for his success and our children, moving year after year, raising our children and without his help most of the time. But I loved him and thought that is what I’m suppose to do….be the good wife and mother. Now that our children are grown….well let’s just say he’s not interested in me (and yes he actually said that) I’m in the situation do I get a divorce …if so how do I support myself, and where do I even begin to find a job…what qualifications or certifications. Sure go back to school but at my age..I’ll never make enough to live the quality of life as the pervious years. Or stay in our loveless marriage. What does this say to my chdren…what example am I setting for them? Do i teach them to figure a way to be happy in marriage or stand up for themselfs and find love again! So I’m in a condrum. Stay in a loveless marriage or rough it on my own. Hard choices to make….and such a lose.

    4. Amy says:

      We have been married 47 years and we live more like house mates. I live upstairs and he lives in the basement, He really had no interest in me, we had sex once and he hated it didn’t understand what people saw in sex. He works midnights all weekends, holidays and special occasions. If he’s not at work he’s sleeping or working in his garage or doing yard stuff. He’s not gay or into some one else, I’ve had him followed plus I spent months following him. He has no friends that I can find. no TV, radio, phone, computer, he has cut himself off from any one and the world.

      • Saz says:

        Amy. Google “married to aspie husband” (NT/Asperger marriage). Also “Cassandra Syndrome”. You may forgive him somewhat.

    5. Laurie says:

      One way to stay married even when you live like roommates is to claim positive stories. Research shows that sharing “we-stories” can help couples that have become distant, strained and stressed find ways to connect and strengthen their relationships.

      In Positive Couple Therapy: Using We-Stories to Enhance Resilience, Dr. Karen Skerrett helps couples discover significant memories that help them reconnect and fall in love again. It’s worth reading, if you want to find ways to stay married even thought you live like roommates.

    6. michael says:

      After reading this article I am amaze that you have no clue what you talking about . Try reading in between the lines, this woman want to love her husband but he is constantly criticizing her and not showing. For some unknown reason (be it some religious belief that states you must stay married no matter what the cost is or that she will bring shame to her family or she will feel like a loser if she gets divorce) this woman is trying to convince herself that she is in love with her husband when she is not. So your advised for her to do all the work and try to save the marriages on her own efforts. sorry it takes two people to save a marriage and if one party is unwilling to work at saving the marriage than two things will happen this person is trying to save the marriage will be stuck in a loveless marriage and will be unhappy all their life or the couple will get divorce. which is a better alternative than condemning that poor woman to a miserable without love.

      • MarriedWoman says:

        Michael, it is good to read something from a man that is sensitive to what the woman in the loveless marriage feels. I cannot afford to live without my husband’s money. Jobs are scarce at my age, we have been married 32 years, I am no longer young. Before, I stayed with him for our kids and they are now grown and gone. Now.. it seems I stay because I cannot afford to live alone. Love and happiness is important, but so is financial stability. Some ladies I know divorced their husbands. Sure they no longer have to deal with rejection and sadness of their unfeeling partner, but now they have other problems relative to a greatly reduced standard of living. One lives in a crappy apartment and has a succession of worthless lovers – an endless quest for “Mr. Right.” Another lives unhappily and depressed with her ex-husband under the same roof because rents are too high to move out on her own. Still another lives in a tiny condo and works hard every day to make the ends meet – she is getting older, her back hurts, but she gets in her dumpy car and goes to work because she has to. It is hard for women, particularly older women, to survive on their own. Sure, some do it, but I do not feel they are any happier than I am really… unless they married a rich man with enough money to sue him for spousal support, or get a large settlement of land and money. Then, it would be worth it. For a woman like myself who married for love… and didn’t care about how rich he was… it is too hard to go it alone. She would find herself broke, jobless and penniless. Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

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