Jun 282010
 

Deciding if you should trust your boyfriend after he cheated is one of the most difficult decisions you can make in a relationship. These five ways to tell are based on a reader’s question about her cheating boyfriend:

“My boyfriend and I have been together for three years,” says Liz on my article on emotional affairs. “I just found out he has been talking to three other girls on the internet. He says he won’t do it again but I am still not sure. I don’t know what to do anymore. What do I do?”

trust boyfriend after cheatingOne of the first steps is to find out why he cheated. Books like The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It are helpful because they give an objective perspective (which you and your boyfriend don’t necessarily have). It’s not your fault that your boyfriend cheated – it was either a really bad choice on his part, or a lack of moral character. If it was a bad choice, then you might be able to trust him again after he cheated. If he’s just a bad guy, then you shouldn’t trust him. He’ll cheat again. The best and most important sign that will tell you if your boyfriend will cheat again is your own gut feeling. I know what you WANT to believe…but you have to trust your gut.

Here are five tips for trusting your boyfriend after an affair – or even “just” online chatting with other women! After all, cheating often begins with the five stages of flirting.

Can You Trust Your Boyfriend After He Cheated? 5 Signs…

Learn why he cheated on you. If he cheated because he wasn’t getting something from you or your relationship, then it may be easier to rebuild trust because you can change your relationship! It isn’t easy, but you can work together to rebuild trust after cheating. But, if he cheated because he was bored or it’s in his nature to roam, then you might not want to trust him again. The reason he cheated may help you decide if you can trust him again. But remember: you can’t do all the work in figuring out why he cheated, how he can overcome the problem, and how to get your relationship back on track. He has to step up and be a man — which means admitting he cheated and working to make your relationship better.

Is your marriage in trouble? Get a free marriage assessment and relationship advice.

If you're dealing with a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love
.

Figure out what you need from your boyfriend and relationship. If your boyfriend travels for work or spends a lot of time with his friends, you may need him to put you first more often. If your boyfriend isn’t willing to talk about his feelings, reasons for cheating, or your relationship, then you may need him to open up more. Before you can decide if you can trust your boyfriend after he cheated on you, you need to figure out what you need from him.

Ask your boyfriend what he’s willing to do to save your relationship. After you figure out what you need from him, ask him clearly if he’s willing to give you what you need. Will he spend more time with you? Go to couples counseling with you — or get help from a marriage or relationship coach? Start individual counseling for himself, if he needs to work through his emotional issues? Read books about rebuilding trust after an affair (even if that affair was “just” talking to other girls online)? If your boyfriend isn’t willing to work towards saving your relationship, then you shouldn’t trust him again!

Learn how to tell when a man is lying about cheating. Gary Neuman is the author of Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship; he was recently on the Dr Oz show. He and Janine Driver of the Body Language Institute discussed several ways to discern if someone is lying about cheating – and I describe their tips in 4 Ways to Tell if Your Husband is Lying About Cheating. It’s worth a read, even if you don’t think your boyfriend is lying.

cheating boyfriend

“Can Trust Your Boyfriend After He Cheated?” image by Laurie

Don’t let fear or insecurity trap you in a bad relationship. Both men and women stay in bad relationships because they’re scared they’ll never be loved again. If your self-esteem or self-confidence is low, find ways to boost it without relying on your boyfriend or a love relationship. Getting as emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy as possible is more important that deciding if you should trust your boyfriend after he cheated on you! The healthier you are, the easier all your decisions in life will be — including your most important decisions about love and relationships.

And remember – trusting your boyfriend after he cheated doesn’t happen overnight. Rebuilding trust is a process that involves good and bad days – and good and bad discussions with your boyfriend! But, if you’re both willing to work on your relationship, you can rebuild trust and strengthen your love and commitment to one another.

For more tips, read How Long Do You Wait for Your Husband to Get Over His Affair?

About Me

quips tips love relationshipsI'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.

  51 Responses to “Can Trust Your Boyfriend After He Cheated? 5 Ways to Tell”

  1. Jenny, thanks for your comments! I see you wrote an article about trusting your boyfriend after he cheated, as well. I liked your tips. I don’t comment on Blogger blogs anymore, because there are so many problems with posting the comment. But I really liked your article :-)

  2. Your article is very helpful for people who are going through such unfortunate incidents. When you said “Don’t let fear or insecurity trap you in a bad relationship,” I realized that insecurity only makes you unhappy, which makes your boyfriend unhappy, resulting in both sides unhappy.
    I recommend another article helpful for those who’re coping with trust issues. Insecurity is indeed hard to overcome.

  3. Why can’t you talk to your friends about trusting your boyfriend? If they’re warning you to be careful because he might cheat, then I think you need to listen to their advice. I don’t know you at all; your friends know you and him, and can give you better advice about trusting your boyfriend!

    What are they telling you?

  4. hey guys,
    am actually in a relationship wit a guy for almost 2 years.. everythin is goin good between us.. recently few of my frenz came up telling that my guy doent keep our sex life personal.. i spoke to him bou this ,but everytime he makes me feel comfortable by tellin that he loves me truely and he would never do such things even in his dream… but people around me keep warning me to be careful … i love him very truely, and he makes me feel even he does…. but i have no idea whatz cookin behind the screens.. am not in a postion to trust anyone, and i cant find any traces of he cheating me… i cant speak bou this to any of my frenz………. i seriously need a help as am going thru a rough patch…..plzzzzzzzzzz

  5. Dear Dorothy,

    It really is sickening when a father and partner cheats, isn’t it? Especially when he blames you.

    Trusting him again will take years. Will your boyfriend work hard to regain your trust? Is he fully committed to making your relationship work, and rebuilding it from the ground up?

    Does he want to marry you?

    I wrote this article for you:

    5 Signs Your Boyfriend Will Cheat on You Again

    I hope it helps. It won’t give you the hope you’re looking for, but it may help you see your relationship more clearly.

    I welcome your thoughts!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  6. I just found out that my boyfriend of almost 3 years cheated on me his past New Years. I found a video of him and some girl, I am so sickened. I I have a 7 month old with him, I know he cheated on me before when we just started talking and he has talked and flirted with other women, he is know to have a really long past with woman, he’ a FIREFIGHTER.
    He claims he did this because he was filling a void, he said iI didnt pay him enough attention when having sex or initiate it enough..NOW, we have sex pretty often and I thought it was really good, I know I am not as experianced, but come on…no reason to cheat…he doesnt even seem that apologetic, I hate this feeling of being betrayed… We are trying to work on our relatioship, and I KNOW I am probaly just asking for more heartache, but I wanna believe people can change and I am worth that change, especially since we have beautiful child with eachother… I guess I am just looking for hope.. Can people really change and we will I be able to trust him again…
    Should he let me see his cell phone if that would help me trust him??
    Please Help!

  7. Dear Jennifer,

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us! I agree that if your relationship constantly keeps you guessing, then you definitely need to move on. No man is worth handing over your self-respect and dignity – no matter how persuasive or attractive he is.

    It’s super hard to let go of a man, but it’s more painful in the long run to hold on to him.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  8. I am feeling very sad reading all the posts. I recently discovered my long distance boyfriend of 2 years has kept accounts to various online dating sites and met two women in person. He said they only went out for dinner. At first I decided to forgive him and give the relationship a second chance but then I realized the relationship is never gonna be the same again. I was hesitant at what to do next. After reading all the posts on here I realize that I need to end the relationship!! Women, be kind to yourself. Don’t you want to live in peace? If the relationship keeps you constantly guessing then end it.

  9. Maybe it’s not a question of CAN you trust your boyfriend after he cheated, but Do You WANT to Trust Him? You relationship will never be the same; do you really want to continue the way things are?

    Will your relationship ever go back to normal? No. It’ll never be the same. But, it could be better and stronger. It just takes alot of work — especially on your boyfriend’s part — to rebuild trust.

  10. My bf and i have been together for 3 years. He cheated on me 2x the 1st year and 2x durinf my pregnancy and 2x this past year. He’s defensive about his phone and fb account. He claims the only reason he talks to his ex is because shes suicidal and he needs tto look out for her -_-. And he aaborted their child and is jealous of our child.

  11. The number one problem is not loving yourself. If you did you wouldnt stay. A man/woman who cheats does not love you. Please dont be fooled by more lies. People will always treat you the way you let them, so if he/she gets away with it this time he/she will do it again cos you have said “well it really hurt but Ill forgive you” etc Always forgive but never stay. The biggest way to help him/her is to leave. They then realise its unacceptable behaviour and you love yourself enough to deserve better. How can a person who cheats love you? They dont its that black and white. Not only that but they have zero respect for you. If there was jail terms set out for cheaters,how many do you think would cheat? A problem will always continue if you dont fix it properly. So love yourself I cant say it enough and you will get back someone who truely does love you. Love is a verb….. a verb is a doing word……. So cheating is not something that is doing you or your mind,body,soul any favours…..Good luck with your journey and remember nothing will change until you change the way you love yourself..

  12. Hi. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. After we made our 1 year anniversary, a couple of months later, he cheated on me with a girl from school. He claims he only kissed her so I let it go. Then in the beginning of the year, like around march, right after our 2 year anniversary, he kissed one of his coworkers but claimed he didn’t cheat because she kissed him. Not even a month later, he had sex with an ex. He told me this in may. He claims he’ll never hurt me again but I’m not sure if it was the truth. This last month, I have been question my trust toward him. I’m not sure if I can trust him again. I’m so confused, can someone help me?

  13. Last comment from my previous one: we live in England and I’m french so it was a big massive trip for him.

  14. Just a quick note from my previous comment. I am 30 and my boyfriend is 28. I feel like a different person now and when I am not with him, I’m always wondering who he’s talking to online. He always says how pretty I am but that girl he slept with is young(18) pretty and exotic I guess; When I freak out about it in front of him about it, he says it was the biggest mistake of his life, that he was insane and had loads of problems, etc. But i just don’t know how I can overcome all this, because it’s been a year now and I still feel so hurt and betrayed and I wonder how he could have done this to me. Loads of people said to me: if he did that, that means he doesn’t love you. I am just so confused.

  15. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years now. Last year in October, he cheated really badly on me, not that any cheating is good. In august 2011, he said he wanted to go to Mexico on holiday with his friends, and I was fine with it. At the time, I trusted him, I never thought he would cheat on me. I was depressed with my work situation, I had a lot of problems at work and was just a bit down overall, also we didn’t have the money to move in together when that’s all I wanted. He was leaving with his sister, I was living with my parents. He had lost his business that he was trying to build for 1 year.
    Basically it was a hard time for both of us moneywise, and he was just getting distant with me, and I thought it was because he was depressed. He saved up money to go on holiday with his friends. He went in october for 10 days. When he was over there, he called me once to tell me he is thinking about moving to Mexico, that I deserve someone that can offer me a house, etc.

    To cut the story short, about 2 weeks after he came back, he told me he had slept with a girl and now she was pregnant. I was devastated. He didn’t even told me the whole story then. He didn’t want to give me the name or anything else. I had to do research and found out that he had a hidden Facebook account, and it just broke my heart, he was in a relationship on facebook with that girl of 18 who already had a baby from a previous person before, really pretty. It made me feel like I was nothing. I talked to her and found out that he was talking to her on Facebook for the last 4 months and he never went to Mexico with his friends, he went to sleep with that girl. I was disgusted and IO never thought I could feel the way I felt at that time. I just wanted to die.

    When I decided to just leave him and never speak to him again, he decided it’s me he wanted!!! We went back together, but a year on and I still feel so horrible about it all. Apparently she had an abortion and they are not in contact anymore, but I can’t forgive. I have tried but it’s on my mind every single day. I see him in a different way now.I feel insecure and when I question him about things he’s doing, he says:” so you think I’m just a lier”. And it’s like yes because you have lied to me so much, no one has hurt me the way he’s hurt me. But I love him and he says he loves me. I went against the advice of everyone around me. My friends, my family said I should never go back with him.

    Everything seems fine in our relationship now, but I still feel like it’s happened yesterday. I don’t know how I am going to be ok again.
    Thanks for reading, and if anyone has been through a similar thing I would appreciate any advice.

  16. Me and my bf have been together about a year & 1/2 I’m 25 and he’s 33.. This is only my second serious relationship and he has been in many relationships.. He has many friends especially girls and he has said he’s had sex with most of his female friends.. he knows it makes me uncomfortable but he says trust so I have.. But little by little he stopped payin so much attention to me sex wasn’t happening as much and it was making me start to pay more attention.. went from once a week to once a month..now it’s been almost two months because just about two weeks ago I noticed when he would be online he wouldn’t check his messages on fb in front of me but if I left the room and came back he did.. so while he was at work I went onto his computer and looked for myself because all it said to me was he was hiding something.. I use to have a key to his house but after this mess I got my stuff out of his house and gave his key back..but were back together now trying to work on things.. But what I found was he was talking to a girl and messages from a year ago to her talking trash to her which he called just jokes saying he would like a shower with her..and more recent messages they were talking and she said oh I’m not hitting on you.. and he said whatever I still think about you and went on talking he wished she would have came along while he was still single.. First said they couldn’t hang out because he has a gf.. but they exchanged numbers and he said just txt me and so on..later invited her to see him but she messaged him saying she couldn’t make it and he said just txt me.. He Said I have nothing to worry about with this because if he wanted her he could have her she would do anything to be with him..but he thinks nothing more of her than a friend.. They had a one night stand as he said over 5-6 years ago but she means nothing to him.. and swears they don’t talk over then phone and so on and I asked but u were the one that kept saying txt me and he said he doesn’t think sheever did..I don’t believe this at all..who would? Were supposed to be making a fresh start so I even went as far as to message this girl on fb and apologize to her for reading the messages and she didn’t reply just sent me a friend request..Its just odd to me.. But that wasn’t the only one but the only one I talked to him about..the other was a girl he used to date brought her down herw to live with him and she left him for the guy she left for him.. but they were talking she wants to talk to him misses him..she lives states away still with somebody and has a child by the other guy.. at the end he said she could get him on yahoo I’m and she said she didn’t have his name on there anymore than he said don’t worry about it and last time I looked she said I thought you wanted to talk to me..he didn’t answer..then she said guess not :( he didn’t answer last I looked.. she’s like the one that gor away.. I can’t stop myself from looking because he won’t be honest and just share what is going on.. If I get hit on I tell him I keep no secrets I told him that’s what I expect but it’s like he’s full of secrets :( I love him so much but it makes me miserable to think I’m not his one and only..I don’t think he would ever physically cheat on me..I think he would leave me first but it’s so dishonest to have anything going on behind my back emotionally or physically..I’m so down and I put on a smile just for him because I want to make it work.. but I don’t know what to do anymore Now he simply just doesn’t go on fb in front of me he still wont check things in front of me..he said his last gf broke up with him because one of his female friends called and he walked out the room with the phone. something he’s always done.. so I dunno maybe its in his nature to be secretive or am I paying the proper attention.

  17. I been with my boyfriend for almost a month now. We are going to be one month on the 13th. We been friends for 2 years. So he ask me out. But few weeks ago, we were talking about “TRUST” cause he wanted to go out with his friends. So, he went with his friends but didn’t went home the next day. Days past & i was driving his car, i saw some of this “GIRL STUFF” in the car & i asked him. If he f**ked that girl. & He admitted to me that he did. What should i do? Should i trust him? Pls help me. I don’t know what to do.

  18. My boyfriend of 6 months and I just started our long distance relationship three weeks ago when I moved across state for school. Yesterday he called me to (very emotionally) tell me that he and his ex-girlfriend sent each other suggestive pictures two days before yesterday. He’d been trying to find a way to tell me, but couldn’t. After hours of talking, I discovered several things:

    1) It was non-sexual, at least on his part. He wasn’t masturbating to the pictures, and he didn’t send her any that he was exposing any more than his chest in.

    2) It wasn’t an act of wanting to be with her romantically or sexually. He has had a long history of depression, and the way we see it, it was an act of self-sabotage.

    3) He told her (when he saw her yesterday) that it was a mistake, that he was not going to have anything to do with her anymore, and that he was going to tell me about it. She asked him to keep her name out of it, and he refused, because we have a full disclosure policy with each other.

    I know things need to change, but I sincerely love him and I want to work things out. He’s very worried because he is afraid that I’m not taking the situation seriously enough, and doesn’t feel comfortable without some kind of “punishment;” however, I am just not that type of person. We both want to stay together, but I just don’t know what we need to do to improve from here.

    Could you please give me some insight?

  19. Hi, I have been with my boyfriend over 1 and a half year ago. i am 42 and he is nearly 40. We both met on a dating site but new one another when we were younger. I found out later in my relationship that he had been having regular sex with a few women at the start of our relationship. One by one they wrote to my by facebook and told me that theyd been seeing him. I understood that it was through the fact he wasnt interested in them any longer as our relationship deepend.
    However it was 3 women I had known about. 2 women were huge to a size 20+ and it questioned my body and self asteem. I started to loose weight even though at my largest I was a size 16. I have lost 2 and a half stone through the fact I felt I wasnt good enough and I blamed myself for his need for sexual encounters with those others.
    we havent long returned from a holiday abroad and 3 days before going his friend was ill with cancer and terminal. He confided in me that his friends cousin was another women he had also been having sex with at the begining of the relationship. I was devestated and my holiday was awful.
    We have come to a point to try once again. However previously he swore to me there was no more skeletons in the closett. but yes there was one more to come out yet again.
    I have tried to turn to god and pray to keep me sane and also to keep him faithful. but ontimes I feel like having an affair myself to know what it is like and I do feel he has completely changed my clean way of thinking into something as evil as him. I dont think I could honestly sleep with another man. He has destroyed my spirit and since I have been with him and known what he has done I am a wreck. I always check up on him, go through his phone or ring him up.
    All of it has been menatally cruel.

    My only answer to you is if you have the strength to leave then do it. Or you have to be very mentally strong and have a loving heart. make him realise what he could lose and keep your apearance, as he will be kept on his toes when other men eye you up!!!

  20. lheanne – i think it all depends on the severity that he cheated on you with and where you relationship was compared to where it is after he cheated. I personally stayed with my bf after he cheated on me but i still dont trust him and its killing me. Weve been together 2 years and he cheated about 3 months ago.

  21. My boyfriend and I will be datign for 2 years next month. He is enlisted in the army and went off one summer to training and came back and we were 100% okay. The next school year, he was a senior and he graduated from our high school. I am a year behind him. The day after graduation the Seniors all get together with friends and go to “senior week” together in a condo at the beach for 1 week. Well he went with his friends. 2 guys, himself, and 4 other girls. He made out with one of the girls 2 days in a row and his 3 best friends (2 guys and one of the girls) later on told me. The problem is, right after senior week he went off to another summer of individual traingin in the army. The day he got back i told him i knew and his friends all told me. He didnt deny it but when i asked he said he really didnt think his friends would tell me and he never planned on telling me. He just wanted to forget it. Now im in highschool and he is a freshman in college and his school is 1 hr away and he comes home every weekend. but its so hard to trust him especially since he hangs out with guys and girls.

  22. if staying with my bf after he cheats is not giving me peace of mind and always afraid that he will cheat again and always suspect that his still cheating you think it is still worth it to stay and pursue our relationship?thank you..looking forward for your response…

  23. it’s really hard..i can relate with you Jessica…

  24. I’ve been dating my boyfriend since i turned 21 (i just turned 24) but we have only officially been together 10 months. He was in the navy (just got out) all this time so due to deployments it took us so long to officially get together. I had a feeling that he was keeping something from me so one night that he slept over i looked through his phone. I saw Facebook messages that led to txts from his ex gf thats also in the navy. In the messages i read that they have hung out and exchanged pictures (nothing bad just pictures) for a while. they flirted back and forth and eventually i couldn’t take it so i woke him up. he said it was nothing. But in the messages I read that she left, I don’t where, but he felt the emotional need to chase her down to the airport. why do that if its nothing right?
    needless to say I kicked him out and through out the day we texted and I found out that he cheated because he wanted to know “what if” before he got out of the navy and that he cheated when he got out of the navy and he spent the night at her house after the fact. he does say nothing happened but at this point i don’t believe it. he also admitted that he spent more nights at her place.
    I love him so much and we made it through 3 deployments and now that he’s out of the navy i refuse to loose him. but every time i imagine him kissing her or sleeping with her anger fills my body. i don’t know what to do.

  25. hi
    ithought i was having a happy life with 2 daughters when i noticed changes in my husbands behaviour..i started investigating n found that he was having an affair with his colleague at the office for more than 2yrs (thats when i was busy with my second delivery ) who was about to b married and so quit from the office as well.he was very busy with this that he never had time for me r my kids for anything.and the day i confronted him with this was when i found he not only had an affair with this woman but was having relationships with many other women thru’ internet and messaging .the worst kind of talk reg sex which he has never even once spoken to me – a wife of 10yrs.i had the proof in his mobile and caught him redhanded,thats when i confronted him about the office affair as well.but he said he wasnt that kind of person i’m thinking n that the woman got married just 10days previously to this confrontation.i ofcourse knew the date of that wedding n was waiting hopefully that my husband would leave that freindship.but that woman was still trying to contact my husband even after her marriage.and would’nt answer my call when i called to blast her.but the others with whom my husband was having sex chattings had a piece of my mind the same day.my husband said he was sorry for what he had done n will not do it again.but i am not able to beleive him as he still lies to me about his whereabouts n i find that he is telling me lies.if i ask him about it he says – why cant you beleive me ? but how can i -when i know he is still lying to me.how can i beleive he doesnt hv contact with that woman again?am trying not to confront him even though i know he lied to me but am not able to stay quiet without asking as i think that he musnt think that he can fool me again.but i cannot stay away from him also as i dont want my kids to suffer the consequences and i even told him that .if it were not for the kids that i would have left him and gone forever.pls advise me on how can i build my trust on him.as we had a love marriage and he just broke my heart and trust on him to pieces.

  26. I just recently found out that my boyfriend of three years cheated on me nurmorus times before I moved 200 miles to live with him. I am devastated,I would have never thought he would have cheated on me. I dont know if I can trust him again. I want to save our relatioship I love him. He is a good man. I just scared he will do it again. He says hes sorry and he wants to fix everything but every guy I have had a serious relationship with has ended up cheating on me. I dont know if its me or the kind of guys I am attracted to. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to turn in to the “Btchy” girlfriend when he leaves the house with out me but I am very afriade I will. Thanks for listening!

  27. Iv been wit my bf for 2yrz nd 3mnths,we wre in college together bt had i had 2 drop awt bcz we hve a 4mnth old son.i recently found out hes cheatin on me nd has been flirtin wit a ton of grlz on nd off campus.ths breaks my heart bcz i love hm deeply nd he says he loves me to…he writes abwt us nd hw much he loves me nd seez a future wit me on social networks bt i still feel lyk hez up 2 no good…am i ungrateful or shud i jst leave hm???..help!!!

  28. Dear Exgirlfriend,

    Have you made a list of the reasons you should get back with your ex, and a list of the reasons you should move on?

    And, do you think you can trust your boyfriend after he cheated on you? Do you think he’s able to cope with life’s stresses and problems without cheating on you again?

    Only you can answer those questions….and I wrote this for you:

    Should I Take My Boyfriend Back?

    I hope it helps, and hope you return to let me know how you’re doing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  29. Well, my boyfriend and I dated for a year and six months. I will admit that I wasn’t the best girlfriend starting out, because I still had feelings for my previous boyfriend. But my boyfriend was still super sweet and did anything for me. He grew on me. Well, a year into the relationship he went to Marine Bootcamp. He was still as sweet as can be. I still have letters from him that remind me how nice he once was. I waited for him the whole time he was gone and went with his grandparents to his graduation. He came home for 10 days. It went great. He went back for School of Infantry. I could tell things weren’t quite as good. But overlooked it. He came home and the first month he was home he was very distant. Didn’t want to hang out as much, barely text me, turned his phone off at night, and just over all didn’t care.
    The end of that month he and I went to a football game and I drove my car to his house and we took his car to the game. We watched for a while and I decided to go sit down, he said he would just stand and watch the game. Around half time I looked down and he was gone… I had to find a way to my car. He told me his mother was in a wreck(which she wasn’t). He was with a girl who was not pretty at all. I dont quite understand… I didn’t understand what had happened. Well it has been a year later and now he wants me back. Him and the other girl have conceived a child. He is not in a relationship with her. But of course he will always have the kid. But he is desperately wanting me back. I know it is sincere. But I dont know if I should allow myself to. He says the reason he did that was because of Marine bootcamp and what not. Just not used to his surroundings etc. But how could that cause him to do that to me? Helpppp!

  30. I found my fiance had an unusual email address not in his name. I became worried and hcked into it to find he’d been emailing people to hook up for sex. I confronted him and he said he never was actually going to go through with it. That he felt bad after emailing them, but that he wanted to find someone who would be happy around him because I seemed miserable at home. He deleted the email account in front of me. But I don’t know what to do. I love him and I know he loves me. I just want to know how to trust him and not hold this above him

  31. Dear saw it all,

    Yes, I think you should tell him that his girlfriend is cheating! He deserves better than this. And if you know, chances are other people know as well. Don’t let a nice guy be humiliated like this anymore.

    I wrote this article for you:

    What to Do If You Know Your Friend’s Boyfriend is Cheating

    I hope it helps. Let me know how it goes.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  32. Dear Annie,

    I can’t tell you if your boyfriend will cheat on you again, or if you can trust him. The only person who knows what you should do is YOU.

    You need to listen to your gut. If you feel insecure, if your boyfriend is lying to you or not showing you his phone, if he is calling you paranoid, if he accuses you of not trusting him…those are signs you can’t trust him.

    One of the best ways to know if you can trust your boyfriend after he cheated is if he is genuinely supportive and remorseful. If he turns things around to make you feel bad, then you can’t trust him.

    I wrote this article for you:

    Is It Better to Give Up on Your Relationship or Try to Make It Work?

    In that article, I tell you why I think you shouldn’t trust your boyfriend after he cheated on you.

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  33. A girl who use to be a friend of mine has a great boyfriend. They both played basketball at Northwestern and he is a really nice guy and he is a really good for her. But she has been cheating on him for a really really long time, like over a year I think. Its still going on! I think about it sometimes and I know he doesn’t deserve that and I want to do something about it. I have talked to her about it but she does not get the message. I really think Davide deserves to know because he so in love with a girl who is treating him like he is worthless behind his back. What should I do?

  34. Last week. My boyfriend of 1 year, came home with markings on his neck. At first he was trying to cover it up by saying his friends were wrestling and pinching his neck. But I grabbed his phone and went through it and saw this (ugly) girl texting him saying she had a nice time. When he was caught, naturally he was apologetic, saying she was nothing and he would never do it to me again. Well, I gave him this ONE chance. But it’s been hard to see him the same. I try, but I can’t :(

  35. I have been with the same guy for 1 year 8 months.
    Last month he called me telling me he is really sorry he cheated on me and broke up with me, a month later he calls saying he wants me back and the past month all he can do is think of me, so I took him back, I love him so much.. but I cant stop thinking about what he did to me he used to tell me everyday he loves me with all his heart we dident even talk to the opposite sex.. Is this bad, he cheated then broke up with me .. I just dont know if I can ever stop thinking about it.

  36. Im in a 2 years relationship with my boyfriend. And I found out he had been cheating on me with another girl for 8 months. I’v decided to forgive him and stay. To actually give him a chance to work this relationship out because I know it’s worth it. I’v been very insecure after since. Physically, emotionally. It’s affecting me real bad because this is the first time I’v been cheated on. He claims that he’s over her. But he’s been listening to sad songs, telling me friends who knew them had been trying to patch things up between them. He hangs out with people who are friends with that girl. How can i not be paranoid. Am i right? He still doesn’t let me take look at his phone once in a while. He goes out with his friends, doesnt tell me and make up a lie for it. His excuse for that is he knows I’l get paranoid and he doesn’t want me to. I don’t know if it’s just me or him. I have no idea what I should do. Please help.

  37. So I dated this guy my freshman year of college for about a year and a half. Everything was pretty amazing except for the last few months where we started arguing a lot, exams were coming up for me and he was getting promoted. He was in the airforce at the time. Anyways, we went to the beach with my parents and my best friend. At the beach we argued a lot and we ended it when we got back because I suspected he was going to my best friend for advice and possibly cheating. He started dating her for two years. He then started talking to me again and said hee had bought a ring the first time we dated. And that he didn’t feel anything for her.he drove all the way from ky to my college for my graduation to tell me that hes never stopped loving me and that he never should have done what he did…what do I do??

  38. Hi guys,

    My boyfriend and I has on and off relationship for more than 1 year now. He was the first one who broke up with me, i was so hurt coz at that moment i thought i cant live w/out him. His reasons is about his ex. Yes, I admit that I was the major reason why they broke up. But it is not really my fault, when he courted me for more than a year i really don’t have feelings for him… when I realized that I am inlove with him, they were together already. But they broke up in couple of months because of me.

    Now, her ex has a big impact on our on and off relationship. I am really mad to my so called boyfriend. they live on the same town where I myself live on miles miles away. And I had this feeling that my boyfriend is not honest with me, i have this attitude of having a hard time trusting again once they broke it. yes we communicated through call, text or chat and he visited me as often as he could. But i still dont trust him, i do not understand him as well because I admit at his age, he is still immature. When I was the one asking for space and told him we should not communicate/no contact rule. He refused to do so because he said he is afraid to lose me and he admitted his mistake. But i really don’t trust him anymore. He said he love me but why he kept on hurting my feelings??? But I hate myself more because I still love him despite of his dishonesty, i kept on hoping that he is telling the truth and end up getting back with him again. Please help!

  39. Hi . I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4yrs now a year ago we moved in together . I recently found out that his still talking to his so call ex and one morning went thru his phone and found private part pictures of her confronted him about it and he lied and said she is the one sending things to him and he doesn’t reply ( he thinks I’m 5yrs old) anyway he recently put a tracker on my phone saying its for safety reasons however he was tracking me so he could cheat. One even I had to go to class after work but my class got canceled so I tryed calling him telling I was on my way home he didn’t pick up and as I tryed parking the car I saw his ex walking out my house . And he lied again saying that his ex was her to apologies for something she had said about his child weeks ago. Oh and guess what I recently found out that I have staff missing in my house from dresses to perfume and I ask him about it he says he doesn’t knw the thing is none of my friend have been to my house in months so it had to be this girl. I don’t think he’ll ever change . So why can’t I let him go

  40. Hi, I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for two years and we have a baby who’s three months. He is like the best boyfriend anyone could ask for he would do anything for me and his baby.when we first started going out I kept talking toy ex boyfriend that I still liked for a while and he knew that he was really hurt but he said he loved me too much to leave me. When I got pregnant everything was perfect until I started bein a b**ch all the time because of the pregnancy mood swings. I was a b**ch and I know it..anyways there was this girl that always liked him and she would always try to flirt with him..and when I was about 7-8 months pregnant he started talking to her more and he ended up cheating on me..he says he really regrets it now..I feel like he does sometimes but I just can’t seem to trust him.what do u guys think.

  41. I’m kinda in the same boat; me and my bf have been together on and off again for almost 9 years. We just recently got back together after being broken up for a while 3 years ago; anywho in May I found out that he had a female friend who he had been talking to because he felt as if I wasn’t giving him the affection or attention he wanted due to me being miles away at school; but the girl came to me saying that she was pregnant by him. But before she told me that she also told me a couple days before that nothing went on between them and that they were only friends. I asked him and he said that she wasn’t pregnant because they didn’t mess around. So now I’m confused because both of them told me that nothing happened between them but she’s right steady telling me she’s pregnant and he needs to step up. Honestly I think she’s lying because everytime I turn around she’s out in the clubs and her family doesn’t even know. What do you think?

    Thanks!

  42. You can be willing to trust your boyfriend after he cheated, but if he’s not willing to admit that he’s a cheater and that he has a problem, then it doesn’t matter if you can forgive him! He has to be willing to do his part – and that includes being faithful to you, and doing everything he can to make sure you trust him.

    If your boyfriend has cheated more than once, then he’ll probably keep cheating on you.

  43. WOW!!! Janice we are in the same bost… :( BUT ive only benn wits my kids father for almost 4 years but Ive made up my mind Im done being played for a fool… Im done giving my all and getting nothing back!!! Im moving back to Florida with my family…

  44. I’m currently 33 weeks pregnant. We had a great relationship until I got pregnant, he all of a sudden quit having sex with me and was a little bit distant and secretive. When I would try talking to him he would basically say that he didn’t want to have sex with me because the whole being pregnant weirded him out. It just kept nagging me and getting to me, and about a month ago while he ws sleeping, I went through his phone and found out he had been setting up craigslist ads and all sorts of crap to get pictures of other girls. Needless to say I was so devastated that I packed my stuff and left in the middle of the night. At first he said he did that to catch me going through his stuff, but when I caught him read handed a few days later, by posing as a girl responding to an ad, he then came clean. From everything I know and have reason to believe, he never met up with these girls or physically cheated on me, just got their pictures. I did some more snooping and found that he was doing this before we even got together, but also during the whole time. It really hurts me, but at the same time when I think about it, instead of him being addicted to porn, he’s addicted to real life pictures of other girls. they weren’t even explicit photos, just photos of them in their underwear. It’s been very weird for me and I don’t know that we are going to get back together, but I’m willing to get past his addiction. What do you think?

  45. My boyfriend and i have been together for almost 4 years. This past year has been very rough we went through a lot of difficult situations. Unfortunately the last few months i felt i was treating him unfairly and taking my frustrations out on him. The last two weeks things changed and i realized something was wrong. So i decided i needed the truth and i looked through his phone. I found text messages between him and a co-worker. they were going back and forth calling each other baby and sweetheart. i approached him about it and he was honest. he told me that he has been talking to her for two weeks and that they did go out to eat together once. He told me that he felt like he needed to have a connection again and he didn’t know how to get it from me. i apologized and told him that i was willing to stop being so angry and put everything in the past. I told him i wanted to work this out. i let him know that he also had to do his part so that i knew he wasn’t going to talk to her again. at least not like that.They work together so i realized that they are going to have communication whether i like it or not. He told me that he has since stopped talking to her and that he wants work it out and since i came to him and told him how i felt and i am wiling to work on it he no longer needs her. The last two days have been great we have been together like old times and i was starting to forget. However. today he told me that his friend invited him to a softball game tomorrow. And that she will be there. I was horrified and now i am at a loss. I want to believe him and i told him that he should be free to do what he wants i can’t keep him locked up. He assured me that he was not going to be with her but she will be there. So i told him that i am going to honor our agreement and trust him. this will give him a chance to prove himself. But in all honesty i am going crazy and part of me want just scream. How trust him and not make myself crazy every time he leaves the house? ….please help!!!

  46. 1. i was on facebook and i was looking though his ex girl-fiend’s pictures . he kept calling her beautiful and saying he doesn’t know if he wants me or her more and started saying he loves her. i went to talk to him and he said he didn’t but i know he did cause i read it for myself so i broke up with him. i loved him so much that i started dating him again the next day because i couldn’t live without him.

    2.he asked me if she could come over to his house like 3 months later and he promised me that he wouldn’t do anything. later that night i got a call from her saying that her was cheating on me. she also said that he kissed her, made-out with her, and some other sexual stuff. but i don’t know if that is true because she also hates me. so he ran away and i chased after him as fast as i could. i finally caught up with him and he started throwing so i felt kind bad. i promised him i wouldn’t let him go.

    3.i asked him if i could read his texts because i know he still talks to her. as i was looking though it he had a worried look on his face. i found a message from her saying, “i want to be kept prisoner in your bed.” i got really mad so i went home and started to text her myself. he promised me he wouldn’t text her again but he told me later that she said she was sorry so he started again.

    i am really scared because he wants to go to her birthday party tomorrow and he asked me if he could but i don’t know if they are gonna do anything.

    please respond a.s.a.p. thanks

  47. One day i was at track practice before basketball. well when i finished track and went to our team room one of my team mates told me the she saw one of the JV players kissing my boyfriend! i really love him and he has said sorry a million times and i wanna trust him again i just dont know if i can! I NEED HELP

  48. My BF was sent to San Diego for briefing before deployment. He stayed out all night and morning bar hopping with the other guys, Ended up at whiskey girls and hooters and many other clubs, Called me AT 4 AM and started rambling off about random nonsense then when I called around 10 the next night he was standing outside a club with a girl from his unit who he later took out to dinner. And he has a past of being promiscuous, Not to mention he use to live IN San Diego and knows his way around.

  49. Wow, Janice.
    Your relationship sounds like it’s getting you down.
    If your husband can treat you like that, and you sound like it’s been upsetting you for a while I definitely think you’re better off leaving him, or at least going on a break for a while to show him that you’re not going to stand for this behaviour. Stay with your family, or move out and do things to make yourself happy. Get your hair done, get a hobby, make new friends… meet someone else who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
    I can imagine if must be really difficult standing up to someone you love and you’ve been with for 10 years, but from what you say your relationship seems going the wrong way, maybe you should prioritise your children and your happiness.

  50. Wow, Lost In San Diego! You are really going through a long-term period of suffering. No wonder you’re feeling anxious, who wouldn’t?!
    I think you know the truth inside yourself, but you want so deeply to believe what your husband tells you because it is what you would prefer to be the truth.
    I was in a long-term relationship with a perpetual cheater. He would become angry and tell me how I must be crazy when I confronted him with the inconsistencies in some of his stories. I hate to say, but I was right every time I felt something wrong was going on. I did not want to be right, I actually preferred to think perhaps I was jealous and insecure with trust issues.
    After some counseling, I realized I had no real trust issues other than not believing lies and having good intuition. Not believing lies does not mean you don’t trust, only that you have good judgement and intelligence.
    Nobody can tell you what to do or what is right, but you can count on the fact that your husband is going to remain the same person with the same behavior. Your decision will be to measure the inevitable hurts that ambush you occasionally compared to the good times and decide if they are worth it.
    Don’t let him change you and make it about you. It will only hurt your self-esteem and make you feel like you don’t deserve more. You do.

  51. Hello,

    I have been with my husband for ten years. We have four children together. Four years ago, my husband (who is in the Navy) went with a friend (also married), to San Diego and ended up going out with two single girls staying out until 4:30 a.m. The night he went out with them, I knew something was us because he started yawning at like 6:30 p.m. and told me he was going to go to bed. So, I said goodnight and let him go. Anyway he ended up coming home and eventually came out and told me what had happened, but denies anything happend and that he only went out as the D.D.???

    Okay so let me back up a few years. Before I met him I had been in another long term relationship with someone who also cheated on me. Not only did he cheat on me but he cheated on me with my best friend. So we ended up ending our relationship because it wasn’t the first time he had cheated.

    So back to my marriage. From the very start I was very suspicious of him. I didn’t trust him and caught him in a lie or two. However he lied to me about an important factor. I had a co-worker spot him picking up another girl at a barracks room every day. I confronted him about it and he lied. He continued the lie up until I told him that she had seen him everyday because he drives right past her house, and then back again. So he finally admitted to it.

    Anyway after this “Trip” to San Diego he said he didn’t want to loose me and wanted to go to marriage counseling. So we ended up going to marriage counseling for nine months. I have a problem with trust. I know that I do. I can’t help it though because of my past. Anyway that was a big thing I worked on outside of marriage counseling on my own with our marriage counselor. I worked on two of my biggest fears. 1. Learning to trust my husband, and 2. Learning to trust women again so that I could make friends.

    I didn’t realize it but after my ex and my best friend had betrayed my trust I realized with the help of our therapist that I didn’t trust women, and I tended to cling to older women as mother figures for many different reasons, one being because I wouldn’t have to be afraid my husband would cheat with them. So after nine months, I felt great! I felt like a different person and I had confidence in my marriage and my husband.

    Anyway to make the long story short, we eventually ended up moving to San Diego, and I ended up making friends with a girl whose husband works with mine. Her husband ended up deploying before mine and I promised him we would take care of her. So she decided she wanted to move up by us. So I allowed my husband to go help her get thing’s in order while I watched the kids and helped my best friend. So after a few months, I started wonder if something might be going on with the two of them. She was around a lot, and she needed his help a lot. There were times I saw them making intimate gestures towards each other and there was even a time that I thought I saw something going on in the kitchen but they must have heard me and quickly resumed whatever they had been doing in the kitchen.

    My husband was getting ready to deploy and we had all gone up to Oceanside for a halfway bash, and my husband and my best friend on two different occasions when the other wasn’t around, let me know they had feelings for each other. I HIT THE ROOF!!! I was an emotional wreck. My husband had been treating me like the crap on his shoe and now I know why.

    I asked both of them on many different occasions if something had happened. Both of them said no, and when I confronted my husband with my suspicions he told me I was being psycho again, and I was making it all up. I felt crazy. I felt like maybe I was loosing my mind.

    Well my husband deployed and the farewell was nothing but a party for me. I thought our marriage was over as I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me. I knew that I was normal, and not crazy. I had taken myself to see a psychiatrist thinking that something was wrong with me and maybe I was wanting to look into the situation more than what was really going on. He didn’t seem to think that anything was wrong with me, but that I was obviously anxious and prescribed me an anti-depressant and after seeing me for a couple of months an anti-anxiety. It helped a lot and I was able to cope for the rest of his deployment.

    So after my husband comes home, I had received a mistaken text from a guy friend who was texting his girlfriend telling her he loved her too. So that’s when my whole world fell in. My husband tells me that he and my best friend had carried on an affair before he left, and he had lied to me about it the whole time. He had make me think I was the crazy one. So once again I lost my best friend and my husband.

    My husband and I decided to try to work through it because we have four children involved, but I am back to my trust level -10 from where I was when we first started going to marriage counseling.

    So now here we are a year later and he has deployed and I have noticed some odd things happening again. He has started to treat me differently again and I feel as though he may be cheating again, but he refuses to say anything and continues to tell me that I am trying to find things that “aren’t,” there.

    I am in a total disarray. I feel like I am going crazy again. I don’t want to be this way, but I am being super suscpicious and I don’t trust him and continue to question him. Which I don’t want to do. However I just recently found an email and skype account that he says he know’s nothing about. He plays like he is dumb even though I am able to log into the skype account.

    Before he left he had taken my laptop with him TAD and when he brought it home a new program “windows messener live” was installed and his username automatically populated the messenger but I can’t figure out the password and he denies it.

    I feel like my life and my world are coming to an end. I don’t know if I should leave him or if I should stay with him and live with his constant betrayals until I have my degree and hand stand on my own two feet. I had a great job making a lot of money before we moved to San Diego but decided to go back to school.

    I know that by staying in a relationship where my husband is cheating on me even if my children don’t understand what is happening, they will grow up and feel as if it is okay for their spouse to walk all over them and lie to them, or with my boys they will feel like it is okay to treat women like property and try to brainwash them and make them feel like my husband makes me feel.

    I am lost, not to mention alone since my family lives more than two days away.

    How can I talk to my husband and try to get him to open up about what he is doing, and why is it that he keeps lying to me. I want to check out completely and try to make it work and live together with our children but go our seperate ways as far as our marriage goes. I feel that I am being drug around on a chain and I don’t think it’s fair.

    Thanks for listening;

    LOST in SAN DIEGO!

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