6 Ways to Support Your Spouse Through Money Problems

How can you support your spouse when you have money problems in marriage? These six money and love tips are based on psychology research from the University of Iowa…

Surprisingly, an overly supportive husband or wife can have a detrimental effect on a marriage or common law relationship. A series of University of Iowa studies shows that too much support – or the wrong kind of support – can wreak havoc on a marriage.

These tips for married couples are based on current research about husbands, wives, communication, and support. For more money tips for couples, read Love Marriage & Money: Understanding and Achieving Financial Compatibility Before–and After–You Say “I Do” — it’s a couple’s guide to love and money.

And, read on for six ways to support your spouse through financial difficulties.

Coping With Money Problems in Marriage

“The idea that simply being more supportive is better for your marriage is a myth,” says Erika Lawrence, associate professor of psychology in the UI College of Liberal Arts and Sciences. “Often husbands and wives think, ‘If my partner really knows me and loves me, he or she will know I’m upset and will know how to help me.’ However, that’s not the best way to approach your marriage. Your partner shouldn’t have to be a mind reader. Couples will be happier if they learn how to say, ‘This is how I’m feeling, and this is how you can help me.’”

Lawrence and colleagues discovered that receiving more support than desired is a greater risk factor for marital decline than not being there for a spouse. “If you don’t get enough support, you can make up for that with family and friends — especially women, who tend to have multiple sources of support,” she said. “When you receive too much support, there’s no way to adjust for that.”

These tips will help you give and receive the right amount of support in your relationship…

6 Ways to Support Your Spouse Through Money Problems

1. Learn about the different types of support in marriage. In Lawrence’s study, four kinds of support were identified: physical comfort and emotional support (listening and empathizing, taking your spouse’s hand, giving your spouse a hug), esteem support (expressing confidence in your partner, providing encouragement), informational support (giving advice, gathering information), and tangible support (taking on responsibilities so your spouse can deal with a problem, helping to brainstorm solutions to a problem).

2. Figure out the type of support your spouse needs. Just like there are different ways of giving and receiving love in relationships, there are different ways of giving and receiving support in marriage. For instance, your husband may feel most supported when you find and share information about saving money on medical care costs. In contrast, you might feel supported when your spouse does extra chores around the house. To cope with money problems in marriage, ask your spouse how he or she gives and receives support. Don’t guess!

3. Avoid giving too much “informational support.” The results of the University of Iowa study showed that too much informational support – usually in the form of unwanted advice-giving – is the most detrimental. Lawrence says husbands and wives can’t go wrong with esteem support. So, encourage your spouse by expressing confidence that you will overcome your money problems together.

4. Don’t assume that your spouse needs a particular type of support. “The assumption is that men just want to be left alone and women want to be held and listened to,” Lawrence said. “In reality, different men want different kinds of support, and different women want different kinds of support.” Also, remember that spouses may appreciate different types of support at different times of the day, week, or month.

5. Ask for the type of support you need. Talking about your marriage and financial problems is key to a happy, healthy relationship! If you need support, ask for it – and be specific about the type of support you’d like. Don’t assume your spouse knows how to help you through these financial difficulties. Afterward, talk about what worked and what didn’t, and adjust accordingly.

6. Remember that it’s the effort that counts. Don’t give up if you’re not immediately successful at supporting your spouse. “Both parties are more satisfied if the husband gets the right kind of support, and if the wife feels like she’s supported,” Lawrence said. “Husbands shouldn’t throw their hands up if they’re not sure what to do. They need to stay in there and keep trying, because we found that women appreciate the effort.” You might also try reading books together, such as the couple’s guide to love and money I featured above.

If your marriage is really suffering because of financial stress, you may find Save My Marriage Today helpful — it includes how to avoid the most common reasons for divorce.

But if you’re just looking for a “tune up”, relationship counselor Mort Fertel has free advice on turning your marriage around.

If you have any thoughts or questions on supporting your husband or wife, please comment below…

Source: This research study, called “Couples Can Overdo Being Supportive”, was published in the journal Personal Relationships. Lawrence was the lead author, with co-authors from the University of Iowa, CIGNA Health Solutions, Santa Clara University, the University of California, San Francisco, and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

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Category: Financial Communication, Financial Debt, Financial Purchases, Love, Marriage, Money, Money & Finances, Money Personalities