Your life will never be the same after getting divorced…for better or worse.
Getting a divorce makes you wonder if your marriage was a waste of time, doesn’t it? Here’s the good news about divorce after your marriage ends.
On my article My Husband Left Me for Another Woman, a reader described how her marriage began and ended….
“I spent nearly a decade with him just to watch him walk away. I want to know if they ever regret it or feel guilty about what they have done? I know it doesn’t matter because when someone wnats out, they want out. It’s sad some people think marriages are so disposable. The thing is he pursued me so hard and wanted to rush to get married so I gave in and now…he files for divorce. Wow. I pray for the day to come when I don’t wake up feeling this huge anchor on my chest, the day where he is a long lost memory or when I think ‘What in the heck did I see in that guy?’”
And, she asks a very important question:
“How can a person marry someone and then just … leave? I gave him so much of me and helped him out with so many things and for what?”
Do you regret the break up? It's not too late... How to Get Your Ex Back
Though I don’t know her, her husband, or how their marriage played out, I believe her marriage wasn’t a waste of time. If you’re afraid being married was a waste of the best years of your life, read When the Fairy Tale Fails: How Women Today Can Create Their Own “Happy Ever After”.
5 Reasons Your Marriage Wasn’t a Waste of Time
You discovered the best and worst of yourself
It’s true that marriage shows you the best and worst parts of who you are. Marriage brings out your strengths and weaknesses, and helps you learn who you are. For this reason alone, I believe that broken marriages aren’t a waste of time! The silver lining of a break up is that you’ve learned more about yourself than you could ever have learned alone. You grew. You’re wiser, more capable, and more vulnerable — and those are good things.
You learned what marriage is all about
My husband was in a long-term relationship before he married me, and I was jealous and insecure about his ex. But, he insisted that he learned a lot from the woman he lived with – she taught him how to be in a relationship. He’s a fantastic, devoted, loving husband…and I now believe that it’s partly because he was in a long-term relationship before he married me. His first relationship wasn’t a waste of time because it taught him how to love me. And, your marriage isn’t a waste of time because it taught you how to love. And, how to let go of someone you love.
You lived, you loved
This may not make you feel better, but it really is “better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.” Yes, love can rip your heart out, destroy your family, and make you wish you were dead. But, love can also put you on top of the world, make you feel more alive and happy than you’ve ever felt, and help you see the best in life, people, and the world. Love changes everything…and taking the risk to love someone always comes with the risk of losing that love.
You learned what to do better next time
Again, this might not make you feel better, but this marriage wasn’t a waste of time because you learned how to spot and stop mistakes before they happen! My reader said that her husband pressured her to marry him quickly — and I’m willing to bet she won’t fall into that trap again. Yes, it’s a painful way to learn a valuable lesson. But the best lessons involve pain, my friend. The silver lining of a break up is learning how to love better next time.
You affected lives in ways you don’t know
No matter how your marriage began or ended, you changed the course of your ex’s life. You loved him, you affected his family and friends, and you changed him in significant ways. He’ll never forget you — and neither will his friends or family. You marriage wasn’t a waste of time…even if you’ll never, ever know exactly how it affected other people’s lives.
If you’re struggling to find hope and happiness after divorce, read When He Leaves: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives by Kari West.
What do you think of these reasons marriage isn’t a waste of time – and my idea that there is hope and happiness after divorce? I welcome your comments below.
Do you need marriage help? Get free marriage advice from Mort Fertel. He's good.
Dear Char,
You have been through so much! You’re a true survivor – especially dealing with cancer treatments on your own. I admire your strength and courage.
About your marriage: maybe you need to choose one path and devote yourself to it. That is, if you want to be with the man you had an affair with, then maybe it’s time to get serious about that relationship. Or, if you want to save your marriage, then maybe you need to recommit yourself to your husband. Or maybe you need to separate yourself from both men, and figure out who you are as a woman.
What is your ideal option? Who do you want to be with – and what would be best for your son?
Met my husband in school at the ripe age of 13. He was always so far up his parents ass that when they asked him to jump he said how high. Well when i was 17 i moved out the house and with him. Thats when all the controlling and emotional abuse started. He has never hit me but there are times that he has said things to me that made me wish he would of. I left him the year after we got married because we fought constantly and just felt like he needed to drink to be around me or didn’t want to be around me at all. I got the if your not back by this day then i will send you divorce papers. I went back and it was worse than ever. I stayed and tried to fix the things he said was my fault. Lack of communication, the no sexual attraction. you know there was on my end but I put things behind me and we had our first child. Things went good because i was at home all the time didn’t talk to no friends and my family contact was and still is very limited. When our daughter was 2 we moved from Michigan to Wyoming which i was extrmemly happy knowing that I would be closer to my mother, brother, sister and my best friend. Heck that excitement lasted maybe 6 months and he decided that i need not have any contact with my BF cus she was a homewrecker. Hmm no I am a big girl I can decide to do things on my own. I had an affair and not very proud of breaking my vows . Well last yr at 34 just before my 35th birthday, i was diagnosed with cancer and stayed 2 months in the hospital about 4 hours away. You would think that after what 21/22 yrs together i wouldn’t have to ask him to call or come see me. Wrong i barely talked to him or our two kids and seen him a total of 3 times while i was in there. I reconnected with some really close friends and family while going through all this. I even became close again with the guy i had the affair with he became my support, calling morning noon and night to make sure i was ok and didn’t need anything. I actually seen him more than my husband in those 2 months. After going home there still wasn’t support. I drove myself the 50 miles to and from chemo treatments, hydration, and even bone marrow biopsy’s by myself, wait our two yr old son was with me. Not asking for a hard luck sob story but I feel absolutlely quilty for even thinking of a divorce and well getting to walk within the next week because I am not happy, fighting cancer on ur own when you think that your mate will be by your side is hard and stressful. I came clean to him about everything as well now I am treated like I am the one that is a child and needs a babysitter.
Amy,
Wow. Everyone’s comments were very sad but yours really hit home for me. I’m married to someone who is like yours and I feel like I’ve been wasted. I’m only 29, I’ve been married for 8 years and I feel like he stole my youth and my dreams. He made me totally dependent on him to control me in some way. I’ve tried everything I can and have changed all over the place to try and get him to treat me with respect, love and consideration and nothing. He’s like Jekyll and Hyde. He says he cares and loves me but his actions don’t show it. He neglects me and is very cold. He totally puts his mother before me. And she tries to break us up all the time. He never sticks up for me. He’s totally abandoned me emotionally. He treats me like I’m a burden financially. I want peace and I want to be happy but I’ve invested so much time and energy and have totally sacrificed my identity to make this marriage work and it’s not at all. I don’t want a divorce but I honestly don’t see another way if he isn’t willing to fight for me and our marriage. Amy, if there is any advice you could give me I would greatly appreciate it.
I find your post a crock of hockey pucks. 23 year relationship now going on 27, 17 years married to an ADHD-pi, BiPolar, Borderline woman who as with 70% of the bovine bunch initiated divorce. Yup, I am 53 & have wasted 27 years. It has taken the past five to weed through & simply reject all of the gynocentric claptrap that forms the basis of marriage to women (& women in general). Women are an absolute waste of time.
i feel the same way Missy. i have invested time and so much energy… and i have some good times… but i often feel hurt, alone, and like i’ve been put on the back burner to sit till he wants me. there has been dishonesty and infidelity issues in the past that i have tirelessly tried to put behind me/us. i don’t think that he is doing anything like that now, but i think he would entertain someone if they showed him enough attention. what do i do though? let him go then just to be with another woman who will reap the benefits from my hard work?
Great. He’ll “never forget me”. Yay. So all the years I put in, and work I did, and whoever his next wife or relationship may be, THEY get to reap all the benefits of how I may have changed him??? Great. Where does that leave me?
WOW sorry this article iam writing is 45 years to late.listen you two have grown apart are maybe you both weren’t really together to begin with.its not too late you don’t need to do the things adventures with him do them with friends and if you don’t have any make some.your still young.your married but if you ask me you have being seperated from the begining.lady go and enjoy life in a respectful way though.as we know woman are out living their husband I pray for a divine intervention in your life and may you start to find joy in your situation God bless
Amy,
I am so sorry to hear that but you do deserve better. And it is never too late to be happy. Rock his world and leave him. I don’t know your situation but maybe you should get a realtor to look at putting the house on the market. Sometimes you have to shake things up and sometimes you have to decide whether you are willing to live that way or would be happier leaving. Neither is easy since you are so unhappy now and it does not sound like it will get any better without some drastic changes.
I pray for you to have the strength to do what you need to do and that your husband’s heart would be softened.
My husband thinks marriage is a big waste of time and money. Been married 45 years, and he does nothing for me, no vacations, evenings out, no cuddling, intimacy, sex,kissing, holding hands, sleeping, eating, talking together just nothing. He lives away from me in a basement apartment he built for himself. All 45 years I’ve been with this horrible person, who thinks only about himself. Back when were young getting a divorce was frowned upon, plus my parents would not have supported me. I have no kids, and my life has been a waste.