One of the questions I’m often asked: “I don’t trust my husband. Do I stay married or get a divorce?”
I can’t answer that, but I can give a few general tips for wives who don’t trust their husbands and who are wondering if they should get a divorce.
These tips are inspired by a reader who doesn’t trust her husband:
“I’m a 22 year old with three children and recently found out I am expecting my fourth,” says D. on Why Men Cheat. “My husband and I have been together for five years. We have had many (around 15) situations with women. Everything he has done I have caught him doing, he never admitted anything. The past year has went well and he seemed truly sorry. We blame it on age and the fast commitment of my first pregnancy. But in the past month or two, some of the same issues have come up again. I’m not sure what to do. We’ve had every problem you can think of, including porn. Recently he has been checking out other women, leaving without mentioning where he is going or when he’ll return. I have called with no answer. I don’t know what to do or how to approach him. Every time I try to talk to him, it blows up into a huge fight. I’m lost and wondering if I should even stay with him because I don’t trust him?”
It’s too late to say “stop having kids before you’re married for five years and know for sure you can trust your husband!!!” but I have to say it anyway, for the women who haven’t had kids yet.
Nothing ties you to an unhealthy marriage or a husband you don’t trust as irrevocably as a child. Or four children.
Tips for Wives Who Don’t Trust Their Husbands
I can’t give specific marriage advice because I’m not a marriage counselor and I don’t know your specific situation. But, I can give you some general tips on trust, marriage, and divorce…
Figure out why you don’t trust him
Is your gut is telling you that he’s fooling around, gambling your money away, or can’t be trusted? Your gut is probably right. We pick up on things subconsciously, and we ignore our gut feelings because we don’t want to be right. It’s easier to bury our heads in the sand and hope and pretend that things are fine.
If you don’t know why you don’t trust your husband, you may find Is Your Husband Lying About Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell helpful.
If you know you don’t trust him because he cheated in the past and the same signs are turning up, then you have to decide what kind of life you want to live.
Be truthful about the life you want for yourself – and your children
We only have one life to live, my friends. We have the power to choose how we want to live, where we want to live, and why we want to live. Yes, it’s difficult. Yes, it’s hard to divorce a man after years of marriage – especially when you have children with him.
Take a deep breath, and imagine how you want your life to be in one year. Do you want to be in this marriage, with this man you don’t trust? If not, it’s time to start taking steps towards separation and divorce. Do you want to be married to him, but you want him to change? Abandon that hope right now! It’s unrealistic and will harm you.
Also, think about what it’s doing to your children to stay in a home where mom doesn’t trust dad. They pick up on these things, even if you’re not arguing in front of them.
Should you divorce a man you don’t trust?
In Leave Your Cheating Husband, or Stay Married? A Surprising Answer, marriage coach Mort Fertel describes why it’s better to stay married in some situations. His advice does not apply to marriages in which husbands cheat over and over. But, he has some good insights into why some wives should re-learn to trust their husbands after a betrayal.
One of the best ways to rebuild trust in your husband is to go for couples counseling together. Get objective feedback on your style of communication and marriage, and use the tools your counselor provides. Don’t keep flailing around on your own; get help!
What do you think – do you have any tips for wives who don’t trust their husbands?
If you’d like to share your story, I’d love to hear from you in the comments section below. I can’t offer personal marriage advice — but often it helps just to write out your feelings and experiences.
I'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.