Comments on: What to Do When You Catch Your Spouse Cheating http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse Readers ask questions about love and marriage; I write articles peppered with quips and tips! Fri, 25 May 2012 11:46:04 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Kelly http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-5/#comment-35836 Kelly Tue, 24 Apr 2012 21:09:11 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-35836 I just discovered last week that my husband was cheating on me. It was with a woman he used to be friends with before we met. I always felt we had a good relationship and he was always honest with me -even about things it might be difficult to be truthful about. When we got engaged his lost his children when his ex wife found out. This has been an ongoing emotional issue for him since. He was VERY close with both children and was a great father. He stayed in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship with his ex wife for 10 years for his children. Now, not only does he not see them, they send him nasty messages saying he is a piece of sh*t, they've got a new father etc. He blamed himself and started drinking a little heavy. I discussed this with him and it seemed he had cut back but he had very bad self esteem issues from this. He has also been taking care of his grandma since he was 19 and she was actually living with us, but we had to put her in a nursing home and he felt extreme guilt. In the last several months I've noticed the drinking get heavy again. Once I found out that he cheated, he was very open with the details. They slept together twice over the course of a few weeks but he continued to email her only because she was threatening to expose that they slept together. He said he's relieved that I finally know as cheating on me only caused him to drink even more. I didn't know it at the time but he was drinking to numb the pain of losing his children and other personal issues, even at work. He was hiding how many drinks he had each night. He says that he doesn't know why he did it...he loves me more than anything and has no explanation. I told him I'd consider working through it if he 1) Quit drinking 2) went to see a counselor on his own and 3) agreed to marriage counseling. He agreed to all three. Now that he's gone to see the counselor he's been diagnosed with depression and has even agreed to get on medication. He says the cheating was an attempt to temporarily feel better about himself and escape reality - just like the drinking, although he has accepted full responsibility and says there's no excuse. Reading all these stories and other comments...I'm scared to give him another chance. Any advice? I just discovered last week that my husband was cheating on me. It was with a woman he used to be friends with before we met. I always felt we had a good relationship and he was always honest with me -even about things it might be difficult to be truthful about. When we got engaged his lost his children when his ex wife found out. This has been an ongoing emotional issue for him since. He was VERY close with both children and was a great father. He stayed in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship with his ex wife for 10 years for his children. Now, not only does he not see them, they send him nasty messages saying he is a piece of sh*t, they’ve got a new father etc. He blamed himself and started drinking a little heavy. I discussed this with him and it seemed he had cut back but he had very bad self esteem issues from this. He has also been taking care of his grandma since he was 19 and she was actually living with us, but we had to put her in a nursing home and he felt extreme guilt. In the last several months I’ve noticed the drinking get heavy again. Once I found out that he cheated, he was very open with the details. They slept together twice over the course of a few weeks but he continued to email her only because she was threatening to expose that they slept together. He said he’s relieved that I finally know as cheating on me only caused him to drink even more. I didn’t know it at the time but he was drinking to numb the pain of losing his children and other personal issues, even at work. He was hiding how many drinks he had each night. He says that he doesn’t know why he did it…he loves me more than anything and has no explanation. I told him I’d consider working through it if he 1) Quit drinking 2) went to see a counselor on his own and 3) agreed to marriage counseling. He agreed to all three. Now that he’s gone to see the counselor he’s been diagnosed with depression and has even agreed to get on medication. He says the cheating was an attempt to temporarily feel better about himself and escape reality – just like the drinking, although he has accepted full responsibility and says there’s no excuse. Reading all these stories and other comments…I’m scared to give him another chance. Any advice?

]]> By: Larry http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-5/#comment-35302 Larry Sun, 15 Apr 2012 16:45:23 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-35302 I ask. If they were not caught, would they keep cheating. I think they would. It's when they are caught and confronted, that they appologize to you. As for me, if I feel I want to cheat, then I should be divorced. There is no excuse, NONE. I am going through hard times now with my wife and see many women out there, I would like to be with; however, it's not worth it. I am of the Jewish faith but I feel all religions should follow this. Till death due us part should mean what it says. I ask. If they were not caught, would they keep cheating. I think they would. It’s when they are caught and confronted, that they appologize to you. As for me, if I feel I want to cheat, then I should be divorced. There is no excuse, NONE. I am going through hard times now with my wife and see many women out there, I would like to be with; however, it’s not worth it. I am of the Jewish faith but I feel all religions should follow this. Till death due us part should mean what it says.

]]> By: Reflections http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-5/#comment-35150 Reflections Fri, 13 Apr 2012 10:34:50 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-35150 My husband has cheated on my repeatedly. During the first 15 years of our marriage I saw signs, didn't want to believe it and put up with a lot of internal pain and mental abuse. When I confronted him, he became apologetic, won't happen again, etc. After 30 years of marriage he fell in love with and started making plans with her to be together permanently. When I discovered this, he apologized, said he didn't know why he did what he did, we went to counseling and he remained frozen - not wanting to leave his home and family, but wanting the mistress. Our adult children let him know they weren't going to have a relationship w/him and the other woman. We separated - things with the OW fell apart, he met a younger woman he dated and took to wonderful places. After two years I asked for a divorce and when confronted with that, said he wanted to come back home. I thought he really had decided to make a true commitment to our marriage and family. Within two years the affairs started again and I am numb. It doesn't hurt as much now discovering the new women (yes more than one) and his words of longing and lust for them and I just can't bring myself to gather the strength to confront him and go through all the pain again. I just feel exhausted thinking of dragging our whole family through this mess again. He on the other hand treats me like a queen, is generous and thoughtful. And I know that's because he loves having both worlds - family and mistresses. And, yes, I look in the mirror and compare myself to these women and find fault with myself even though my friends tell me I'm smart and attractive I don't feel that way. Have to find strength to pick up the phone, make appt. w/a counselor - avoiding it because I know they will tell me what I don't want to do. My husband has cheated on my repeatedly. During the first 15 years of our marriage I saw signs, didn’t want to believe it and put up with a lot of internal pain and mental abuse. When I confronted him, he became apologetic, won’t happen again, etc. After 30 years of marriage he fell in love with and started making plans with her to be together permanently. When I discovered this, he apologized, said he didn’t know why he did what he did, we went to counseling and he remained frozen – not wanting to leave his home and family, but wanting the mistress. Our adult children let him know they weren’t going to have a relationship w/him and the other woman. We separated – things with the OW fell apart, he met a younger woman he dated and took to wonderful places. After two years I asked for a divorce and when confronted with that, said he wanted to come back home. I thought he really had decided to make a true commitment to our marriage and family. Within two years the affairs started again and I am numb. It doesn’t hurt as much now discovering the new women (yes more than one) and his words of longing and lust for them and I just can’t bring myself to gather the strength to confront him and go through all the pain again. I just feel exhausted thinking of dragging our whole family through this mess again. He on the other hand treats me like a queen, is generous and thoughtful. And I know that’s because he loves having both worlds – family and mistresses. And, yes, I look in the mirror and compare myself to these women and find fault with myself even though my friends tell me I’m smart and attractive I don’t feel that way. Have to find strength to pick up the phone, make appt. w/a counselor – avoiding it because I know they will tell me what I don’t want to do.

]]> By: Areyounuts? http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-5/#comment-34106 Areyounuts? Sun, 01 Apr 2012 20:47:10 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-34106 I think you are wrong. My brother in law has cheated on my sister several times. One time when she was pregnant with kid #2...and he had a CHILD with a woman a little after kid #4 showed up. He's also a full blown alcoholic and has illness (physical) due to his unhealthy life. He has no interest in the kids and now she wants to leave and HAVE A LIFE after 20 years, he is resisting divorce. Forgive a cheater? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I think you are wrong. My brother in law has cheated on my sister several times. One time when she was pregnant with kid #2…and he had a CHILD with a woman a little after kid #4 showed up.

He’s also a full blown alcoholic and has illness (physical) due to his unhealthy life. He has no interest in the kids and now she wants to leave and HAVE A LIFE after 20 years, he is resisting divorce.

Forgive a cheater? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

]]> By: ArizonaQueen http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-5/#comment-33302 ArizonaQueen Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:32:26 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-33302 What if the relationship is 3-4 years old with a small child involved and you ARE NOT married? But had been planning to get engaged soon? I recently found out he cheated (one drunken night out of town) but it happened 2 years ago... about 2 months after our son was born.. It seems to hurt more after sharing something so precious together, but then we weren't having sex during those 2 months due just having the baby & complication with the delivery (Dr said non for 12 weeks) I never imagined in a million years he would do that, we had absolutely no trust problems whatsoever... Still together and going to counseling, it's helped a lot -but the pain still lingers and I just don't know if I'm being lead in the right direction. Does God want us to stay together? What if the relationship is 3-4 years old with a small child involved and you ARE NOT married? But had been planning to get engaged soon? I recently found out he cheated (one drunken night out of town) but it happened 2 years ago… about 2 months after our son was born..

It seems to hurt more after sharing something so precious together, but then we weren’t having sex during those 2 months due just having the baby & complication with the delivery (Dr said non for 12 weeks)

I never imagined in a million years he would do that, we had absolutely no trust problems whatsoever…

Still together and going to counseling, it’s helped a lot -but the pain still lingers and I just don’t know if I’m being lead in the right direction. Does God want us to stay together?

]]> By: Afghanistan ain't home http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-5/#comment-33267 Afghanistan ain't home Mon, 26 Mar 2012 07:51:48 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-33267 Once is always. A leopard can't change it's spots. And what about the spider that road frog to the other side of the pond and bite it with poison and they both died? When the frog asked why, the spider said, "its my nature" Maybe you cheaters out there don't want to here it. But maybe your purpose in life is simply to be an example. Maybe mine is? I dunno but I know for damn sure that forgiveness, by no means, is forgetting. And when you stare at the cause of your pain and suffering every day and she love tarnished know it's better to leave. When the paper is crumpled up it can't be perfect again. No matter how hard you try. Counseling is great, retreats are great and I've done em. But nothing will ever EVER replace the creeping doubt in the back of your mind for so long as you live. Cut your losses, pick up your self-respect and have the gall to move on. Airborne Once is always. A leopard can’t change it’s spots. And what about the spider that road frog to the other side of the pond and bite it with poison and they both died? When the frog asked why, the spider said, “its my nature” Maybe you cheaters out there don’t want to here it. But maybe your purpose in life is simply to be an example. Maybe mine is? I dunno but I know for damn sure that forgiveness, by no means, is forgetting. And when you stare at the cause of your pain and suffering every day and she love tarnished know it’s better to leave. When the paper is crumpled up it can’t be perfect again. No matter how hard you try. Counseling is great, retreats are great and I’ve done em. But nothing will ever EVER replace the creeping doubt in the back of your mind for so long as you live. Cut your losses, pick up your self-respect and have the gall to move on. Airborne

]]> By: T http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-5/#comment-33246 T Mon, 26 Mar 2012 04:32:15 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-33246 I understand how hard adultery can be... how devestating... destructive. It can play games with your mind and make you doubt what is suppose to be the most intimate of relationships. However... It sounds like many of these comments come from Christians who have been betrayed. Marriage is for life. Divorce is not a choice that is on the table. Til DEATH do us part. I understand how hard adultery can be… how devestating… destructive. It can play games with your mind and make you doubt what is suppose to be the most intimate of relationships. However…

It sounds like many of these comments come from Christians who have been betrayed. Marriage is for life. Divorce is not a choice that is on the table. Til DEATH do us part.

]]> By: Clarebeth Smith http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-4/#comment-33215 Clarebeth Smith Sun, 25 Mar 2012 20:20:08 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-33215 I have cheated on my husband several times. He found out once. I was **good** for several years, but now I am involved with another man ( my third since the time he found out). THe man I am involved with has a similar history. He has been married for 35 years and was a huge cheat...but only one night stands. He stopped for about 15 years but then we met and it started as work friendship, then closer working conditions, and finally intense emotional and sexual relations. We have been pretty intensly involved for about 6 months and there is no let up...just greater intensity. We are each comfortable at home and see no reason to upset the apple cart. His wife suspects and is squeezing him, but he won't stop seeing me. If she kicks him out he is OK with that. He doesn't want to be the one to go home and tell her he is leaving, and I get that...I am pretty much the same. Bottom line...once a cheater always a cheater. I believe it is the rare spouse who never cheats again...the exception. My lover and I are living proof, and we have many friends who are in the same situation. Doing it once makes it easier the next time, and getting caught makes you know EXCATLY what to do to not get found out...so, I would say that yes...the honest spouse can live in bliss with blinders on because the caught cheater has just become more careful and has ensured that the spouse at home will NEVER discover subsequent affairs. If you have been chated on, leave. Have respect for your self and move on. Don't be pathetic. If he/she cheats, he/she doesn't really want you, doesn't give a damn about the **committment** and will do it again. The apologies aren't because they are sorry, they are because they got caught and want to continue eating their cake and having it too. Plus, unless you are very weealthy, divorce is expensive and the costs are great ( reduce income by 50%, perhaps have to leave your home, etc. ) I have cheated on my husband several times. He found out once. I was **good** for several years, but now I am involved with another man ( my third since the time he found out). THe man I am involved with has a similar history. He has been married for 35 years and was a huge cheat…but only one night stands. He stopped for about 15 years but then we met and it started as work friendship, then closer working conditions, and finally intense emotional and sexual relations. We have been pretty intensly involved for about 6 months and there is no let up…just greater intensity. We are each comfortable at home and see no reason to upset the apple cart. His wife suspects and is squeezing him, but he won’t stop seeing me. If she kicks him out he is OK with that. He doesn’t want to be the one to go home and tell her he is leaving, and I get that…I am pretty much the same. Bottom line…once a cheater always a cheater. I believe it is the rare spouse who never cheats again…the exception. My lover and I are living proof, and we have many friends who are in the same situation. Doing it once makes it easier the next time, and getting caught makes you know EXCATLY what to do to not get found out…so, I would say that yes…the honest spouse can live in bliss with blinders on because the caught cheater has just become more careful and has ensured that the spouse at home will NEVER discover subsequent affairs. If you have been chated on, leave. Have respect for your self and move on. Don’t be pathetic. If he/she cheats, he/she doesn’t really want you, doesn’t give a damn about the **committment** and will do it again. The apologies aren’t because they are sorry, they are because they got caught and want to continue eating their cake and having it too. Plus, unless you are very weealthy, divorce is expensive and the costs are great ( reduce income by 50%, perhaps have to leave your home, etc. )

]]> By: NA http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-4/#comment-32029 NA Fri, 16 Mar 2012 10:51:06 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-32029 Hey author, Plz dont make the miserable wives conclude that their cheating husbands are GODS' guft to mankind and never ever lose them. Always, a simple life is beautiful. and it will not have lies, manipulation, cheating etc etc all that comes as a package with spouses' indifference Hey author,

Plz dont make the miserable wives conclude that their cheating husbands are GODS’ guft to mankind and never ever lose them. Always, a simple life is beautiful. and it will not have lies, manipulation, cheating etc etc all that comes as a package with spouses’ indifference

]]> By: CJ http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/surprising-reason-to-stay-with-your-cheating-spouse/comment-page-4/#comment-31582 CJ Tue, 13 Mar 2012 17:15:50 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/?p=480#comment-31582 @Sole Just tell your sister. @Sole Just tell your sister.

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