What to Do When You Catch Your Spouse Cheating
Marriage coach Mort Fertel says spouses who cheat are less likely to cheat again. So, you shouldn’t necessarily leave a spouse you caught having an affair.
“At this point in a husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll cheat again?” says Fertel. “If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.”
Husbands who cheated may be more trustworthy than spouses who never cheated.
If you don’t know what to do about the affair, read What To Do When Your Spouse Cheats: Take Practical Steps To Survive.
Here’s what one reader says about this book:
I was in a similar situation many years ago and I wish I had a book like What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats to help me during that difficult time. This author has taken a situation that is often fraught with emotions and calmly laid out an action plan for anyone who suspects their spouse is cheating on them. The reader will be in a much more empowered space if he/she ever wants to confront their cheating spouse with the evidence collected. It is clear from the book that the author struggled through her own version of catching a cheating spouse and was able to come out the other side with her marriage intact. But of course many of us are not as forgiving and in some cases the cheating spouse is happy to be found out so that he or she can leave the household. But this is just one of the many tips that the author provides – don’t leave the house once you have confronted your spouse with some of the evidence that he cheated, and don’t encourage them to leave either. The reason behind this is not what you might think. Another point the author raised that I would not have thought of but can see the reasoning behind it is in being careful when you vent your anger and hurt to friends or family members. After all if you want to keep your marriage going you don’t want to turn your friends and family against your spouse. What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats covers either staying in the marriage or leaving it.”
If you don’t know what to do after catching your spouse cheating, you should read that book!
And, here’s what Mort Fertel says about men who cheat on their wives…
What to Do When You Catch Your Spouse Cheating
“My spouse cheated on me, apologized 100 times, stopped his affair, and is committed to being a new man,” says Beth. “I see he’s changed. But wouldn’t I be better off divorcing him and starting fresh with someone new?”
After a husband cheats on his wife, there’s so much pain, baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. Is it possible to rebuild a marriage after the trust is broken? Can you heal from your ordeal?
Does it make sense to just start a new relationship with someone else?
Maybe not.
Most spouses who cope with infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this feeling…but the opposite might be true.
Spouses Who Cheat Are Less Likely to Cheat Again
In Beth’s case, it appears that her husband really changed. He genuinely wants to save his marriage and reconnect with his wife. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the ‘I want a divorce’ wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or an addict, he’s less likely to cheat on her again, compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson about how destructive an affair is to a marriage, they’re less vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who never cheated.
Beth has a choice. If she leaves her cheating spouse, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that Beth always wanted him. I’ve seen it happen too often. But, Beth has another option. She could forgive her husband, save her marriage, and become the lucky woman who gets treated like a queen.
The question is: how do you heal after finding out that your spouse cheated on you? How do you forgive? How do you get to the point where you’re able to give your husband another chance?
If you don’t think you can forgive him, read Healing the Pain When Your Husband Has Been Unfaithful.
What do you think – would you give your cheating spouse a second chance?
Category: Marital Infidelity, Marriage, Reconnecting, Separation & Divorce
As a wife whose husband cheated on her with the teachers aid at our daughters school. I m pretty much enraged at both of them.
Yes I fully agree that my husband is an idiot and is responsible for his actions….. but honestly for a woman to know that he is a married man and still allow the contact to get to such a level…. I am sorry then she deserves to shoulder the blame too.
What has the world come to if women can so freely sleep with married men and “cry boohoohoo he chased me” absolute rubbish.
If there is one thing that I see coming thru from all my days on the net, with mags and self help books it is that married woman get to shoulder more and more responsibilities…… married men do the same yes but men wanna come home to a sex demon. Married woman on the other hand wanna come home to a welcoming smile, hug and be appreciated.
What does this leave us all with?? In short we have all lost sight of the simple fact that…… NOBODY ESLE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BUT YOU!!!!!
We are so caught up with our lives and look for external things to make us happy that we forget the fundamentals. Seriously….. listen to what we say to our selves…. if we have more money or some material posse ion then we will be happy…. when does it end.
Happiness as they say is not a destination. I cannot expect my husband to make me feel good and then after I feel better about myself will I give to him. My husband will probably thru it back in my face and say the same.
Then the blame game starts, with no end.
In short we so easily forget our marriage vows because we become resentful that we are not being made to feel good by the other spouse and in walks someone else that makes us feel happy. The spouse who has been cheated on, is already feeling unhappy about themselves and is gutted by revelation of the betrayal.
So why are we forgetting the fundaments…… we are looking for quick fixes.
If we cannot invest time and effort in ourselves why should anyone else?
I just feel we should takes our spouses off thoses pedestals that we have put them on …. as our primary source of happiness and stop beating ourselves up with how could he, why’s and if only I did.
Start making yourself happy right now and gain your happiness back second by second.. and let the rest deal with itself
Ladies….stop blamimg the other woman! It is pathetic! The blame falls only on your husband. He is your husband and he is the only one that owes you anything! Did you stop and think for one second that maybe it was YOUR husband who pursued her, manipulated her, made her believe she was the love of his life, made her believe their love was real and only that their “timing was off” to finally meet in life. Like I said….I have been on the other side, and these men manipulate ALL the women involved..wives and mistresses! They are selfish and will do whatever it takes to have their needs met. They are cowards and can’t handle the heat and consequences that come from their actions….especially if they were caught and EXPOSED. They can’t handle it. Of course this only applies to the husbands who have had blown out relationships with other women…not the husband that may have had too many one night, slipped up, and confesses to his wife. I’m talking about the man who lives a double life, who lies several times a day for months or even years to both these women to satisfy his selfish needs. Ladies, it takes a srong, secure, and independent woman to leave..,.not to stay in an abusive marriage. Just because you have chosen to leave the marraige, this does not mean you can’t still forgive husband and move on. This is especially true if their are childre involved, forgive your husband and don’t ever deny your children the right to have a relationship with their father. You need to forgive, accept that your husbands cheating is his problem not yours, and move on to a better life…and make sure he pay$ you well.
My husband of 10 years moved out in January this year, saying he didn’t know what he wanted. Prior to this I had questioned him about his weird behaviour with the girls that lived next door. He told me I was being stupid. One night a txt message came in before he moved out and I read it. It was from her. Well of course I went over there and what resulted was not a good night. My husband moved out the next week. He continued to tell me through the whole time he was gone he wasnt sure what he wanted. I found futher txt messages in his phone between thema nd again went to this woman and confronted her and then my husband and finally they admitted it, and both of them told me there was no sex involved. After 12 weeks he wanted to reconcile and I thought we will give this a go and I was actually starting to feel good about this and my 3 children were so happy that dad and mum were happy. The slut moved out and got herself a new house. The this slut sends an email to me saying sorry for everything and a txt to him saying she is 10 weeks pregnant. (this txt also degraded me and she was trying to build herself up in it.) So they did sleep together, and I am facing a situation I never wanted to face. While I was happy to try again when no sex was involved, I am in a situation where for now I have to suck it up and smile each day because I have made this decision to forgive and forget, and I will not put my children through what they went through again.Not after a few weeks after he just came home!!! He has promised me it wont happen again and he is being very accountable to me.
What made me even more angry was the fact this woman knew he was married and actually tried to befriend me and my children.
I started the whole obsessing thing but you know what she has already taken so much from me I will not allow her to have anything else. He wants me! She was a skanky whore with not morals or ethics and I have told her this is a very detailed email. Everytime I think of her I pamper myself. The thoughts get further and further apart, and I am determined to ensure that a decision I have made today will not effect the rest of my life. I will be ok, and I know i will move on from this.
My husband cheated on me.. and he has cheated on me atleast 3 times since i first caught him. the most recent being a couple months ago. I just found out yesterday. So i believe that if a man cheats once he is 51% sure he will cheat again. If your husband doesnt.. more power to him! I have given enough chances to my husband.. we even have a 3 yr old son together. This was his last chance. Good luck to all you women out there dealing with the same situation.
Thanks everyone for your experiences and i am no different from all of you. My husband of 5 years cheated on me in 2010,our daugther at 4 years while on his work travel with his colleague. It hurt when i found out. He has left the other woman after i found out and he broke down and confronted he was wrong. He has no more connection with her any more and doesn’t want to be reminded about what he did. He has promised new begining in our marriage. I’ve seen changes in him and he want us to be together forever but i still hurt everyday when i think of what he did to me and still don’t trust him. We taking each day as it comes and his doing everything to make things work between us. God only know our destiney and God’s my only refuge. To the women who are the same boat be strong and trust your hearts. Joan
Good point, Riza…but I do feel sorry for you, as well as your wife. You messed up big, that’s for sure. But you’re paying for it and paying for it. Isn’t there a point where enough is enough? Criminals go to jail, do their time, and hopefully come out and make a fresh new start.
I don’t know if that’s possible for you and your wife. If my husband cheated, I don’t know if I could forgive him. But, I do feel sorry for men who cheat, because I don’t think it’s as easy as “Who cares, I’m cheating on my wife!” I think many men who cheat feel bad about it, and pay for it in many ways, for a long time.
Regarding counseling or books that may help you repair your marriage: sometimes you have to put the cart before the horse. That it, maybe it’s good to start reading those books and going to counseling, with the goal of reconciliation. Even if you don’t get reconcile, you’ll learn about yourself. And that’ll help you in the future.
Blessings,
Laurie
Thanks Laurie – I dont believe I am the one you should be sorry for. That should be reserved for my wife. This is the one thing she did not deserve. To answer your question, No we not in any therapy together. I have tried to show her how sorry I truely am. Any therapy or books will only help if both of us are willing to reconcile.
Jasmina and Traci ~ thank you for sharing how your husband’s cheating changed your lives for the better! I hope you don’t mind; I included some of your comments here, to help other women:
How to Get Past Surviving an Affair to Thriving and Happy
Dear Riza ~ My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t think time will make your wife hate you more…I think it’ll give her a chance to absorb the shock of being betrayed. Women don’t just bounce back from cheating husbands, they don’t just “forgive and forget.”
Is your wife in counseling — are you in couples therapy? Are you reading books about healing after an affair? Maybe if you showed her your remorse and regret by actively pursuing forgiveness and growth, she’ll respond to you more positively.
Cassie ~ I think I’d say “It’s her or me” to my husband, if he kept texting the woman he had the affair with. He’s still cheating on you — he wants the best of both worlds. I’d take the hard line, and make him choose.
Blessings,
Laurie
Believe me I feel the loss every single day when I have to see the hatred in her eyes and actions and when I have to see the anger, hurt and confusion in my kids eyes. I dont pretend to know how hurt she is. I can never fully understand that because I am not the one who was hurt. All I know is that I want nothing more than to save my marriage and be with my wife forever. Everyone says I should give her time and space but what would that achieve. She would only hate me more after all the time and space. I only wish I knew what to do.
Riza-
That is very sad. Truly a great loss.
Cassie-
It is one thing if he is sorry, truly repentant and a changed man. That he is still talking with this girl…FORGET IT!! There are a million help books on this topic and every one of them says if there is still contact…he is still in adultry. They will try and give every excuse but the reality is that the relationship has not been severed and your heart and life is still in danger. You must remove yourself from that kind of sickness. Sick and selfish is what it is.
I have been reading many of your posts and I have to say it saddans me deeply that this can never be healed. I cheated on my beautiful wife although there was never any physical contact. I dont have an answer as to why I did it but I regret it every single day of my life. My wife wants nothing more to do with me as cheating is cheating. She always told me that I should rather let her go if I decided that I am no longer in love with her. The problem is that I am, even more so. I dont know how to change her mind and make her believe that she is the only woman for me. It is not true that once you have cheated you will always cheat. Given half a chance I would cherish every moment with her, treat her like the queen she is to me, be there for her always and hold onto her for dear life. I am so sorry for not respecting and valuing and loving her at those times and I definately would never dream of doing something like that again.
I recently found out my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker. He has stopped seeing her (and I believe him when he says this) but he still texts her up to 30 times a day insisting that he still wants to be friends with her and loves her but wants to stay with me. I have tried to explain how devastating it is that he remains friends with her but he views her as a despondant person (she had checked into a mental facility after the affair and is now on meds, has frequently become homeless, and is a terrible role model for her 12 year old daughter). Even having the affair was so out of character for my husband that sometimes it’s hard to believe it even happened. He is normally so caring and kind. I understand his need to help her but he doesn’t understand the consequences of WHO it is. How do I convince him?
Steve,
You committed yourself to your wife in the beginning…you know, the “true love of your life” at the time! The danger for every person in an affair is the grass looks greener on the other side until you get there and go…oh maybe this wasnt such a good idea! You will not know if this “mistress” is your “true love of your life” until you put in the same time, pressures of life, finances, children etc! You may be BEGGING to have the “true love of your life…your wife” back after experienceing reality with Miss Cheater.
Steve-
By far the CHEATING is worse! And don’t be fooled…at some point, the wife will find out…they almost always do. If you are a cheating partner and wondering what you should do- trust me- there is NO GREATER PAIN than finding out your honey has cheated on you. Death would have been far easier. The answer is also not to just stay in a marriage that is dead. The answer is to do everything in your power to fix what needs fixing in your relationship. Remember why you married in the first place… you loved this person and didn’t want to live without them….so you got “married”! You “can” get back to that state if you fix the things that are in the way. It is possible to “rekindle” the love you had. You can’t live by how do I feel today. Feelings! They are like the wind, they can change by the minute. We all need to live by that word that has been snuffed out of this society….man or woman of….”CHARACTER”! After you die, how do you want to look back over the person you were on this earth? IT MATTERS!! It really does!!
Carol – young has nothing to do with it. That is how I felt initailly added to which my husband told me that she was beautiful with an Angelina Jolie smile and no man could resist – he even said if I saw her I wouldnlt blame him. He told me he could get both his hands round her waist she was so slim!! Really helped as I am sure you can imagine. I also imagined that she was big boobed something that I know would dent my self esteem. However I then saw pictures of her and whilst she was not ugly – she was certainly not beautiful either – she was just ordinary – did have nice teeth – was slim but not like he had described but bizarrely for all her young age she had the most amazing crows feet ever, Her boobs were bigger than mine – I know that sounds shallow but we all have hangups. But she certainly wasn’t irrestible.
I questioned everything about myself and my self esteem was at an all toime low. I felt old and ugly and past my sell by date. Then I got chatted up. In a bid to cope I started to go out and made myself do things on my own or with my children taht I would not ordinarily have done. I travelled, went for days out and embraced anything and everything. I was chatted up constantly and I realised all my good points that other people found attractive. Not everyone wants younger. I had compliments about my eyes, my long legs, my slim figure but what mattered more to me was the compliments that I got about my company, my wit, my personality etc I found that people (men) really enjoyed my copmpany in a way that they had when I was younger. It made me realise that being married I had lost some of my spark. My husbands affair allowed me to find myself again and whilst I had a massive deterioration in my self esteem initially, what has happened sice has been a massive boost. My husband justified his affair by saying that she was irrestible – what rubbish – he had an affair becuase he thought he could have his cake and eat it. Just don’t let your husband bring you down. You will have qualities all of your own that are desirable to many.
My husband went to work away and we both rediscovered our relationship like we had when we first met. We had an amazing time. In his new job he was made to feel like he was the best and it spilled over into his personal life where he started to believe that he was an irrestible hunk. Surrounded by transient friends who incidentally appeared to have all lost their relationships, entered the transient world of internationsl travel desperate to strike up a new relationship. My husband had a 5 month affair with a woman 26 years his junior. The only other person he had had sex with apart from me. They never went anywhere – just met at his flat. She thought he was separated and only ten years older than herself. When he returned home to see me she had no idea and was cross when he didn’t get in touch. When I found out my world fell apart but believing that he had made a mistake, that feelings took over, that it would never happen again and that it was me who he loved I tried to put it behind me quickly. What a fool. He just thought he had got away with it and contacted her again. She was quite clearly not interested. He had lied to everyone and she did not like his lies anymore than me. When he went away again he tried to strike up relations with others. He didn’t have any success but he was quite obviously trying to have his cake and eat it. Not strong enough to leave at the time, financially dependent and concerned for the kids I stayed put. In the last two years since I found out I have had 10 delicious liaisons. Some one night stands, some that lasted for a few weeks and one that has lasted for over a year. My husband will be devastated when he finds out – for one day when I am able to leave I will tell him the truth. I donlt feel guilty, I did my best to move forward but anyone who think that affairs make you stronger they don’t. They are destructive, cruel and if you forgive then there is no reason not to do it again becuase they just believ that you will forgive them again or that they are better at covering their tracks.
if a man/wife cheats they simply are not in love with who they are with. PERIOD! they may love the spouse, but not fully respect, admire, trust, and share intimacy with.
my question is …. what about when long term cheating happens with a former love ,the true love of your life, and the “injured” spouse never finds out?
which is worse, the cheating and not telling or staying married? while the “injured” spouse has NO IDEA it has even occured.
Baytta,
I don’t know if it can be that cut and dry? What if there is a true repentance? What if your husband or wife truly has realized and believes the horrible mistake he/she made? What if you really did have a good marriage but your spouce made a very wrong turn? In my case I know the girl is out of the picture. My husband cries every day for me to come back. I get txt after txt full of his grief and regret. This is a year later. He is hoping I will come back. Do you throw away a 20 year marriage? Certainly if your husband is still seeing someone or if he is arrogeant etc you divorce no question but what do you do with a person you love that fell that truly seems to have regretted everything? It is a very hard decision. I am right in the middle and am finding it very hard to make a decsion because we did have a good thing together and much of the things I love to do I learned from him. Much of what I accomplished was due to his cheering me on, love and support. Yet, going back afer such deciet equally does not seem possible for me to do after thinking of him in another womans arms! I am finding myself 100% torn in 2. It has been a year and I have not been able to make a decision!
I have been with my husband for over 18 years, since we were teenagers. We have two wonderful kids together and although we had our ups and downs when we were younger, we always grew back together. Our biggest issues were by far-with other women even way back then. Around the fall of 2009, he changed dramaticly and I found pictures of another woman who had written how much she wanted to “wake up with him every day and have him inside her” and on and on. He lied his way through it, blaming it on another cheater friend of his and I believed it. He even asked me to have another baby with him a few weeks later. Long story short, his best friend came to me in April of 2009 to tell me he had been having an affair. I was devastated beyond words. I tried so hard to please him and he just treated me like complete crap. Since then I found two cell phones filled with pictures and videos of them together and am now in therapy trying to deal with the devastation this has caused to me emotionally and even physically, (I used to never get sick and have now had two major illnesses since this started). I have been amazed by the people who have supported me from his best friend (who is also his co-worker), to his own family. The biggest part of this that has been so hard for me to get past is the lack of remorse he has. There were several times when he would break down, but then he would immediately turn back into the mean jerk he has become with her. I know I am better off without him and have been seeing several lawyers trying to get the process started. I just want to know if any of you out there really think they are ever truly sorry, and if you ever really get past this. This has consumed me for so long and I am sad and tired and just want to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
I found my husband was cheating over a period of about 6 months by reading the “inbox” on his iphone. I never pick up his cell phone, but for some reason on this night, I did. My husband is a divorce lawyer. He knew the woman he had the affair with for several years before starting the affair and became quite smitten with her. She’s 10 years younger than I am. This is the second marriage for both of us. Ironically, he ended his first marriage the same way–by having an affair with a (another irony) marriage counselor in town. He claims he want to save the marriage, but I suspect he doesn’t want to lose the money that could accompany a divorce settlement. He did save her voice mails, too, so I got to hear her voice calling him “sweetie.” It’s just so smarmy to write about this, I can barely do it. My heart goes out to all women who are cheated on! Men who cheat are fools! They chase the fantasy, and once the fantasy subsides, they’re left alone. I think I intent to file. I have a lawyer now. My heart is broken a million ways. And I am no longer young. Or couse, women will be lined up for John since he’s a “rich” lawyet. Any opinions or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Carol
My husband has been cheating onme for a couple of months we have been married for 3 years together for 5 years he has always been mean to me! he went to a rock concert and met this woman i felt that something was wrong so i went into his facebook and seen all these emails from her saying how much they care about each other and allt his other crap,. i talked to him about it and he said theyare just friends he didnt mean ne thing he said, so i belived him and i started trusting him again but then i seen more saying taht they love each other and they had sex it hurt so bad and i tryed talking to him again about it and he said he dnt care about her like that and he never cheated on me well i dnt belive him and i want to leave him cus im tired of being hurt, he is so nice to her to and he is so mean to me, he wont even go anywhere with me we dnt even go on dates or nuthen he makes me feel like crap , I am so hurt right now i havent cryed in a few days and i just started feeling down again..
In response to Sad, you wrote ” you could not possibly hear a stronger voice than mine saying if that ever happened to me… the bags would be packed so fast!” The reason why you said that is because this is your voice of reason. You were clear of mind and heart at that time you said those words. Pain and hurt cloud our judgement. My friend also said “I would never cheat on my husband” when she was clear of mind and heart. This voice that we have chosen to ignore is called the voice of reason, and that is why we end up making fatal decisions when we choose to ignore our inner voice. Don’t make excuses of why your husband did what he did-he needs to deal with that and come clean with God. You need to heal yourself and come to terms with your husbands betrayal, and move forward. Your inner voice has already told you what you need to do, you’re judgment has been poisoned with grief. When a man is caught in an affair, the mistress wants him to choose her and the wife wants him to return. They get caught up in the power struggle and drama. Who will win this prize of a man! Ask yourselves, what am I fighting for? A lying, cheating, and deceitful man who in REALITY has no respect or love for his wife or mistress…he cheated on the two of you to serve himself. Let’s wake up ladies!! I am sure you will come to the right decision. Take time to clear yourself, heal yourself, make yourself strong enough to make the decision to return to your husband.
I don’t have any answers for you, but I’m so glad you’re here! I wish I could say the right things, but there aren’t any right answers.
You’re not alone, my friends. One of the best ways to survive a betrayal like a cheating husband is to talk to women who have been there, done that. Surround yourself with survivors, who can help you heal and grow.
I wrote another article about cheating husbands…
How Do You Forgive Your Husband After an Affair?
My husband cheated on me for like 5 years with prostitutes then told me because he thought he had a disease . I left for a Month and came back because I was 26 with 4 kids by him . And had no where to go. Now two years later I some how got pregnant again and he’s been watching porn like crazy. I’m scared he’s doing it again. And when I came back last time he kissed my ass for a year then it died down and every thing went back the same can’t have friends can’t have a job just traded I wanna leave but have no place to go . Now ill be 28 with 5 kids any advice minus what he does to me he’s the best father any kid could ask for.