What to Do When You Catch Your Spouse Cheating
Marriage coach Mort Fertel says spouses who cheat are less likely to cheat again. So, you shouldn’t necessarily leave a spouse you caught having an affair.
“At this point in a husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll cheat again?” says Fertel. “If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.”
Husbands who cheated may be more trustworthy than spouses who never cheated.
If you don’t know what to do about the affair, read What To Do When Your Spouse Cheats: Take Practical Steps To Survive.
Here’s what one reader says about this book:
I was in a similar situation many years ago and I wish I had a book like What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats to help me during that difficult time. This author has taken a situation that is often fraught with emotions and calmly laid out an action plan for anyone who suspects their spouse is cheating on them. The reader will be in a much more empowered space if he/she ever wants to confront their cheating spouse with the evidence collected. It is clear from the book that the author struggled through her own version of catching a cheating spouse and was able to come out the other side with her marriage intact. But of course many of us are not as forgiving and in some cases the cheating spouse is happy to be found out so that he or she can leave the household. But this is just one of the many tips that the author provides – don’t leave the house once you have confronted your spouse with some of the evidence that he cheated, and don’t encourage them to leave either. The reason behind this is not what you might think. Another point the author raised that I would not have thought of but can see the reasoning behind it is in being careful when you vent your anger and hurt to friends or family members. After all if you want to keep your marriage going you don’t want to turn your friends and family against your spouse. What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats covers either staying in the marriage or leaving it.”
If you don’t know what to do after catching your spouse cheating, you should read that book!
And, here’s what Mort Fertel says about men who cheat on their wives…
What to Do When You Catch Your Spouse Cheating
“My spouse cheated on me, apologized 100 times, stopped his affair, and is committed to being a new man,” says Beth. “I see he’s changed. But wouldn’t I be better off divorcing him and starting fresh with someone new?”
After a husband cheats on his wife, there’s so much pain, baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. Is it possible to rebuild a marriage after the trust is broken? Can you heal from your ordeal?
Does it make sense to just start a new relationship with someone else?
Maybe not.
Most spouses who cope with infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this feeling…but the opposite might be true.
Spouses Who Cheat Are Less Likely to Cheat Again
In Beth’s case, it appears that her husband really changed. He genuinely wants to save his marriage and reconnect with his wife. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the ‘I want a divorce’ wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or an addict, he’s less likely to cheat on her again, compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson about how destructive an affair is to a marriage, they’re less vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who never cheated.
Beth has a choice. If she leaves her cheating spouse, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that Beth always wanted him. I’ve seen it happen too often. But, Beth has another option. She could forgive her husband, save her marriage, and become the lucky woman who gets treated like a queen.
The question is: how do you heal after finding out that your spouse cheated on you? How do you forgive? How do you get to the point where you’re able to give your husband another chance?
If you don’t think you can forgive him, read Healing the Pain When Your Husband Has Been Unfaithful.
What do you think – would you give your cheating spouse a second chance?
Category: Marital Infidelity, Marriage, Reconnecting, Separation & Divorce
Comments (107)
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Sites That Link to this Post
- Why Men Cheat on Women - How to Stop a Man From Cheating | April 14, 2011
- Is My Marriage Over? 7 Ways to Tell if Your Spouse is Ending the Relationship | September 1, 2010
- Trust a Cheating Husband? How to Survive an Emotional Affair | July 25, 2010
Correct Michelle. It is one thing when a spouce falls, makes a big mistake and truly is sorry. It is another thing for someone to live a life that drags your mind,body and soul through such horrificly sad, painful torture. He may as well been stabbing you with a knife in the heart while saying, I love you honey, really I do.
That is not love. I don’t know what his definition of love is but you don’t need that kind.
I as well do not believe this statement to be true.. My husband and I were young with a son when we married 10 months after our marriage he confessed to sleeping with a woman and was unable to pick one so I made him leave, six months later he was back begging me to take him back, I did.. what a mistake! I beleive he slept with a prior boss of mine and I have caught him talkin, texting, and seeing girls at bars.. we sought therapy and after 9 yrs together a yr ago I hear the line again I slept with someone, he left and started begging.. I loved him and believed his words that I am truely the one so a few wks ago I spent the night where he has been living and his girl friend called I answered she came over and we confronted him. Like a child he hide in a pillow and pretended we were not there for an hour… That night I looked through his phone and she was only one of five girls he was texting I love you to… so need less to say I have a lawyer so I get can out of the mess he has made of our lives… I do not believe a person who says they love you can hurt you this way over and over to me that is not love….
Wow 2001 was when my world came crashing down around me. There hasn’t been a day yet my mind hasn’t thought about it my heart still in a million pieces but I love him. The worst thing was my kids 3and4 at the time. My 4year old still has issues he doesn’t realize where they come from but having someone who is suppose to love them thier father and a slut who has no right to change my dear baby. I could of killed her for that. As for my husband my heart is still in a million pieces and I trust no one and his family was in on it and told him to lie and not tell me so I lost alot of people I thought l thought loved me. It’s a hard road I will tell you that and changes you and all your relationships around you. Silly I know but I always thought if have the kind of live you read in romance novels. It was the only thing I ever really wanted growing up funny huh?
June-
Im so sorry you have to face this. It is so unfair for everyone in this situation. The woman is EVIL! One day she will be accountable to God for all the hurt she caused. One day your husband will also have to stand before God knowing all the hurt he caused. I wish people would think eternally rather than just the few years here on earth. I can’t suggest enough to you and everyone in this situation- before you have sex with your husband that he be checked for STD.
To stay together for the kids is not the answer. Kids need to have healthy parents living together so it will take good counseling, and a lot of work. Your husband needs to be transparent in everything he does, everywhere he goes. If you need phone logs he should be able to provide them. If you need confirmation of whose house he is going to visit you should be able to call the house if you need. If your husbanad is not willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal and restore the trust he has broken…boot his butt out asap! I hope he realizes you may need him to prove himself the rest of your lives together and if he is truly sorry…he should not have a problem doing that.
Remember as mentioned above- you may have discussed a million whys but NONE of them are excuse for an affair. NONE! Yes we all have things we need to change, that is what counselors are for to help you both get what you need.
Hi everyone, im 31 years old and i have 3 cute boys, my husband cheated on too last year. They stayed for 3 months together until one day i knew it. We talked, asked lots of whys…but in the end my husband choose me and our children over the mistress..but until now the other cant accept the fact that its over to both of them actually she uses my husband real name in her facebook account and shes keep on posting their pictures together kissing its other out of town getaway swimming partying together and even their joyride..my husband never treat me the way he treated his mistress.. It hurt so much but he asked for forgiveness, I forgive him but i dont think I can forget..I really dont know if im doing the rigth dicision? For my chidren maybe yes but for myself its a torture….
Kate-
Until you come to a conclusion/decision of what you will do with your marriage…practice safe sex w/your husband!
Myra-
Hope this helps. In deciding to stay with your husband I am assuming you have agreed to forgive your spouce for failing you in a most devistating way. Unfortunately we are not like God…we can forgive but we don’t have that wonderful ability to forget the sins too. To help you- a few thoughts…
* When those thoughts come, remind yourself again and again that you have forgiven him for what he did and tell yourself a million times if you have to that you need to let it go because you forgave him.
* Get help from other woman who were in the same situation. They have help groups or get counseling to help get out and heal those feelings. Visit the website bebroken.com there are several helpful materials for wives who have had husbands that not only cheated but were diagnosed sex addicts. They are helpful in sharing their stories, pain and what helped them.
* You MUST feed your mind good things! If you don’t grow and feed your mind new good things your mind can only repeat the past like a record playing over and over. (read books, take an art class, play sports, take up running, biking, take your child out for walks…healthy things to refocus and grow your mind!
* Ask your husband to join you in learning about what makes a healthy marriage whether it be through books, conferences, counceling. Have him also look at bebroken.com so he can learn from these other men that are overcoming sexual strongholds that every man unfortunately has to face in this crazy society.
* As soon as you find your mind thinking about the hurt you MUST refocus your attention to something current! Guard your mind everytime those thoughts try to creep in. Don’t let it get a strong hold on your mind and heart or it can ruin your day/week/year!
* Tell yourself everyday- you will not become a person that is afraid to love fully again! You will not allow walls to be build that will change the loving person you were! When those thoughts come that say…yeah but what if it happens again…tell yourself if something happens you will deal with it at that time and wont waste time driving yourself crazy with the what ifs!
* When the thought of his whereabouts enters your mind, tell yourself if he should give you any reason or red flags to wonder… you will absolutely address whatever may come your way but until then you’re going to live your life.
* I cant suggest enough to learn about God and how much He loves you. Read the New Testiment starting in Matthew. It will change your entire life,bring healing, wholeness,peace regardless of circumstances and will help you see your husband through God’s eyes. That gives us strength to love more than we ever could, have grace that we just could not have on our own. (disclaimer- not hinting at all that being a Christian means you must stay with a cheating spouce- God allows divorce in such situations but like writer Paula says…it is better if you are able to work it out)
* Listening to worship music always refocuses and greatly strengthens the heart, mind and body. You could be having the worst day and after listening to worship music your whole mood has changed. Try KLOVE radio station (107.5 FM I think).
In response to Baytta, you could not possibly hear a stronger voice than mine saying if that ever happened to me… the bags would be packed so fast! But then it did happen to me and you end up having to look at the entire picture, the entire ? years, the whole man and not just the time he failed. I write these words only to those who have husbands/wives who have fallen for the biggest trick in the book (grass is greener on the other side until you get there) and realize what a huge mistake they made and have truly/honestly repented.
My husband was a “good man”. We had 20 years of an exciting life together. He happened to go through a crisis in his life where he lost his job and got into a job he could not handle. He fell apart from the stress and started to question everything about himself. During this time one prowling whore met him on facebook and unfortunately he fell. So in looking at the whole picture, do you throw out what was a good marriage?
The answer is….each person that suffers this horrendously painful loss must look at the entire picture and must come to their own conclusion of what is best for their life….not whats best for the cheating spouce, the families, nor the children…but what is best for the individual who suffered the affair.
Each person has their own definition of limitations of pain they can or are willing to endure. Some are stronger in that area, some are weaker, some its not even a consideration. It is EXTREMELY important that NO-ONE influences that decision. Even if it takes a year to come to a conclusion- the decision must come from within your own heart that took the time to analyze every ounce of the situation. Wait patiently for the right answer. If you divorce…divorce for the right reason! If you stay together…stay together for the right reason. Example…
For me I forgave my husband instantly which is important. Everyone MUST forgive. Forgiveness is the first step towards your healing. The longer you wait to forgive the longer you hurt. I forgave right away. For me, if I divorce it will not be because of the affair itself….it will be more along the lines of..I am afraid of the person I might become if I stay. I don’t want to be someones mother, I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder the rest of my life, I don’t want to live in fear that it might happen again, I don’t want to worry about getting older, I don’t want to have to wonder whats going through his mind every time he sees a pretty woman, I don’t want to feel the pain everytime we make love seeing him hold and love another! Talk about painful!
When you have someone that is truly sorry…you are damned if you stay and damned if you leave. If you stay you have to face all those horrible thoughts above. If you leave you feel like you left your best friend and did not own up to your end of “for better or worse, in sickness or in health, till death do us part”. I do consider people who have affairs to have a sickness of the mind. For me I feel as if I am leaving my husband in a state of sickness and that hurts. It is a VERY VERY hard decision to make. My heart and prayers go out to all those in this type situation. I have not come to my own conclusion yet but I am CERTAIN of this… if you pray and ask God to lead you to the right answer He will and you will know in your heart when the decision is right. I know the Bible says I am free to go in a situation like this, and I also know it says it is better if you can work it out because God knows how painful divorce is for years and years to come. I will trust God to lead me and I pray you who are facing this same thing also will ask and count on God to lead you.
Taking blame for your partners affair is basically saying to him/her… “when I don’t measure up to where you think I should be, it’s acceptable to have an affair. Wrong! Cheaters (men and women)- don’t you dare blame your spouce! Get counseling to help it change or divorce first! Don’t do that to the one person you are supposed to love and protect in this world.
There is NO excuse what-so-ever for any spouce to cheat! If there are marital issues… get counseling. If you just are not compatible… the husband/wife should have the decentcy to divorce before starting up another relationship. NO-ONE has the right to completely devistate another life not only mentally and spiritually but physically (we’ve all heard of AIDS and all the STDs). We all have things that need to change in our lives and in our marriages. For the one taking blame for “her part”, No… there is NO excuse for the affair! If your husband had issues with you he should have been man enough to be honest about the things. If he was and you didnt listen, he should have been man enough to take you to counseling, if still no change he should have been man enough to divorce before hooking up w another that could have brought you diseases!
I was able to get a very interesting perspective on a long term affair, not many people get a chance to see, as the other woman in this case is a dear friend of mine for over 20 years, and the married couple are also “friends” of mine. This man was after her for a long time – and in my opinion, he finally broke her. She was in therapy for months, never once contacted the man or his wife after the wife caught the affair, and I was there “picking up the pieces”. I saw his e-mails, the texts, I heard all about the promises (wedding, house etc.) this man made to my friend…SCARY! And even worse, 3 months after the affair was discovered by his wife, even after his poor wife endured the most painful time in her life, I saw this man flirting up a storm with other mutual friends, married women of course…including me. Also, he told his lover that every moment he spent with her was real, he thinks about her everyday and said he will find her again, and that he was only staying with his wife because she has threatened him with his children, finances etc. He also said to her he will never let her go…puke. At the same time, he’s telling (begging) his wife, it meant nothing and he loves her and wants the family to remain together. How can this man do that… say those things??? That’s love??? Please don’t believe that these men “didn’t know what they were doing”, they sure do, and they do it well! They do not live out a “fantasy world” with these other women, they have serious relationships with them. They have fights, they confide in one another on a deep level, and they are connected. As far as I can see, this man has no respect or love for any of these women he destroyed. He just doesn’t deserve his wife. That is why, if his wife only knew the truth about him…I doubt she would give him another chance. These wives need to have a solid support system in order to gather strength and be strong enough to leave these cheaters. They need to love themselves enough to make the change. Let’s face it, if a woman doesn’t love and respect herself enough to do it for herself, no one else will. I believe these men have figured women out, how they “work” so-to speak, and use this to their advantage. My friend who had the affair is married with children as well, and has been in an abusive marriage for over 10 years, and for the same reason why women stay with their cheating husbands, she chose to stay married to her husband. I guess the lesson here is to all women-just LEAVE if you are being abused!!! Infidelity, is too a form of ABUSE, and society I think, does not acknowledge this enough!! If I said that my husband beat me black and blue, and tortured me for days, and put me through the worst amount of pain one could imagine, most people would advise me to leave immediately, as if he beated me once, he will do it again. And of course for my husband to seek professional help, for he has obvious deep-seeded issues he needs to resolve. Why is it that if a man has had a full blown out affair, the “normal” call to action, in this case would be for the married “couple” to go to marriage counselling together and try to work it out? Am I missing something here? Did the wife have a role in his behaviour? What does she need to sort out with him? The only sorting out she needs in my opinion, is that with her own therapist of her own emotional scars she needs to deal with, and live with for the rest of her life caused by this man’s abuse, and some financial & legal advice wouldn’t hurt. Why does the wife attend counselling with her abusive husband? Why does society say to try and work it out?? Is infidelity not a form of abuse as well? Shouldn’t a woman leave if she is being abused? Why would she stay…to see if it happens again? I do not understand why society does not acknowledge that ifidelity is too a brutal form of abuse. Should we not be empowering these women to love themselves enough to leave an abusive situation? I would love to have my moment with this jerk’s wife and tell her everything I know, but I know nothing will come out of it, she has chosen to believe in him and has put her blinders on. He obviously has learned absolutely NOTHING, and I am sure he will do it again, it will be just a matter of time.I’m hoping that maybe my perspective will somehow help these women see truth in these men they married, and that they deserve better.
This is brilliant! The cure for cheating is – cheating?! Are cigarettes the cure to nicotine addiction, too?
I do NOT believe that cheating makes marriages stronger. It is, for good reasons, counterintuitive to think so. Why wouldn’t marriage counselors advise people to cheat on each other to make marriages stronger? It sounds absurd. That’s because it is. I am sorry to read all the comments that say “I was partially to blame for the affair.” Think hard about what that means. You cannot make any person do anything. The only right someone has is to leave. But I can see how it would be more convenient to eat your cake and have it, too (for the cheater, not the to innocent party.)
It isn’t possible for people to love someone and beat them. It isn’t possible for someone to love someone and abuse them. By the same token, cheating and love don’t go hand in hand(and whatever single case presents an outlying proof to the contrary, it’s generally not the norm).
Usually I read comments about how twenty years ago, a spouse had an affair. This affair still hurts the innocent party after all these years. Boy, I do not want to imagine still begrudging my significant other anything so much that I’d still have flashbacks of it two decades ago.
This article makes it sound as though cheating were a singular act, an act like blinking an eye. But cheating is a whole process(and then some affairs last weeks, months, years): The person who cheated got undressed, said things to their lover, did the most intimate acts with them. They didn’t give a rap about their spouse, whatever they say after they’ve been found out.
What the author of the book is apparently saying is that the innocent party would be at a great loss for losing someone who cheated. This is ridiculous. It is crippling, in fact. The “You-won’t-get-anybody-else”-mentality is the only thing that keeps marriages going after an affair. Perpetuating this fear won’t make people’s relationships healthier: Such fears will make nightmare relationships where the cheater has the upper hand. If relationships can overcome such a painful thing as cheating (the act of walking out on you but lying about it like you’re not even worth the years of your own life you’re losing), then why does anybody break up? If cheating can be overcome, yes, even sold as a healthy relationship development, then what are we doing being faithful in the first place?
What the author is really saying is that he is selling a cure for infidelity. Nobody can give you that promise. When someone cheats on you, the person has moved on. It is much more painful to think of a cheating person as a confused or mistaken spouse, than as someone who wasn’t mature enough to say that they wanted out.
Someone who loves you won’t cheat on you. If they do cheat, they’ve either moved on, or they don’t share your values. If it were otherwise, love wouldn’t be worth it.
Here is the hard truth….He has cheated on you, and you have just discovered your husband has had a long term relationship with someone else. You have children, you are devastated, and your primary response is to keep him. Ladies, think long and hard before you decide to give this man another chance. You will never know the real truth about this man, only what he has told you, and you have convinced yourself to believe the fabricated story you have created in your head about their relationship. This is not real. The truth is in most long-term affairs, very deep feelings develop for the two people involved. …and sometimes love. If he has convinced you he wants to work it out, that is only because of financial ties, children, and family pressure-not because he loves you. He will always think of the other woman and hope they will have a chance to be together again in the future. You and him had a fair chance to be together, you were able to date freely, go on vacations, spend time togther openly, unlike the other woman he fell in love with, and the bottom line is that he strayed from you for a reason he will only know. Does he love you? Did he ever love you? Has he fallen out of love with you? He will never regret what he did, although he will tell you that he does. The truth of the matter is, the days he spent with this other woman were probably the best days of his life, so much so that he risked everything to be with her. He will always think of her and secretly desire her. He will never respect you the same way, because he fooled you, once again, into staying married. It will only be a matter of time until he will do it again. Unlike what society likes to believe, (she`s a sleeze, he is scum etc.) usually long-term affairs genuinely happen to good people who have become vulnerable, who have stayed in their marriages for the “childrens sake”, and simply feel trapped, or are very unhappy and have fallen out-of-love with their partners. You need to ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that stayed married to me for all the wrong reasons? Give yourself time before you decide you want to give this man another chance. If you at least allow yourself some time before holding on to him as if he were the only man left on earth, he and everyone else will at least respect you…you will develop some self-respect, and self-worth. Does he really deserve a second chance? If only you were able to see him in action with this other woman, and more importantly, be able to witness the emotional involvement he had with someone else, I can guarantee you that any woman, sane in mind, would NEVER give him a second chance.
My husband cheated 2 times and last month was the 3rd. Each time he had long drawn out affairs and each time he said he’d stop weeing the other woman but I would catch him in lies and he would continue the affairs. The relationship begun when he was in collge and he thought it was ‘cool’ to sleep around; when I got pregnant we married and he played house for a while but started his disappearing acts again. He believes he is quite the catch. We have 2 young children and both have great careers. He blames me for cheating because he says I don’t ‘try’ to satisfy him. Issue with me is that when the bedroom was passionate he still cheated. What is the point sex disgusts me. I should have divorced him with the first adultery now I am on my third with baggage and I don’t mean children they are great. Don’t deal with a cheating deceitful husband he will do it again and just be better at hiding it. Good luck.
Leave the cheater or deal with it I say.
I can relate to this article very much, my boyfriend of thirteen years four children later cheated on me plenty of times. I never left him giving him the opportunity to change. Wishing that he will learn from his mistake over and over again, but he never did until I decided to leave him four children later and thirteen years of waiting. Once a man cheats he will always cheat. Especially once you forgive him the first time. Trust me he will only try to get better at cheating. I know from experience. I never married him not because of the cheating but because he just could not get himself togther. That was the best decision I ever made in my life. I didn’t know how to go about telling him “I Don’t Want To Be With You Anymore”. Not only was he a cheater but he was a munipulator, liar and abusive. So can you imagine how can you leave a person that has that type of attitude and character, but I did. I left him even though I have to raise the children on my own it’s better to struggle by yourself then to be with a cheating man. Think about it you will always be thinking is he cheating on me when he is not with me. Looking through his phone, internet etc. That is too much work to put yourself through leave the cheater whether your married or not he will never chamge. Trust me I know from experience.
I don’t agree with this article. Atleast for my case. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 7 almost 8 years. I found out this past Monday that he has been having an affair with the same girl for the past 6 years. I caught him many times by checking the cell phone bill but he always said they were friends.On a couple occassions I spoke with the other woman and she even swore they never had sex. The two met in his EMT class. Well the other girl shows up at my house this week and tells me they have been having sex and it’s been going on for the past 6 years(off and on). I threatened him to leave everytime I found out he was talking to her again. I mean I had 2 other kids during this time and he was sleeping with her while I was pregnant. I have nowhere to go. I lost my job, and I am trying to finish school. I don’t have money to leave. He is begging me to stay, and to go to counseling with him, and also go to church. I know he was molested as a young boy but should I forgive him and move on because he has sex issues. Because he ignored the issue and never seeked treatment I should be ok with what he did to me. I sat him down so many times and was nice as I could be and asked him to tell me the truth and he never did. Lied to my face for years. There were times he was sleeping with her during the week and going to church with the family on Sunday. I don’t know what to do. I am so hurt, scared, sad, angry and just alone now. I have three beautiful kids with him and I hate to think how much this will hurt them. I can’t believe I was a fool and let him do this to me time after time.
My husband is a compulsive liar and an addict who is trying to change, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust him again. If my husband we not either of those, I could say that I would be staying with him. I do believe that in most situations, men won’t cheat again once they’ve been caught. But…I’ve been through 3 affairs in a 4 year marriage. I’m not sure what I will do, but I will never trust my husband again. We have a post-nuptial agreement so if he ever cheats again, I’ll be prepared and our kids will be taken care of while I get on my feet. And I agree with one of the other posters. The whole,” affairs make marriages stronger” is bull. Only in some where the cheater wants to change forever. Most people want to be accepted as they are and won’t change. They don’t believe they can or need to. Divorce is acceptable for a reason.
My husband cheated on me eight months ago- I found out after the fact (thanks to a $400 phone bill!). The woman was only in town briefly, and they have had no further contact. We are in marriage counseling, trying to work through it., At this point I think that he is far more interested in continuing our relationship than I am. I disagree that cheating makes a marriage stronger, and I am sick and tired of hearing that horrible phrase, as though it excuses someone from such a horrid and betraying act. Our marriage is not stronger- but I am. I know what I have to do, and am now just biding my time until graduation. Once I have a job and steady income, I am taking our two young boys and moving out. I do love my husband- and believe I always will- but I cannot live my life with someone who could devastate me like that.
I lost my beautiful 24 year old son in Feb 08. My husband was wonderful. Then in Dec 09 I lost my dear sweet mother. 6 months later my husband walked out on me for reasons that I did not, and do not, understand. He says that he thought I didn’t love him. We separated for 6 months and have recently started to talk about reconciliation. But I now know that he slept with another woman just weeks after leaving me. My life in the last few years has been one of profound grief and loss and now I have this on top of it all. I do not know if I am strong enough to deal with knowing that he did to some other woman what he used to do with me. He does my head in. I truly do not know what to do .. I keep thinking what sort of man leaves his wife in these most extraordinary and sad circumstances. To stay or go .. that is the question. Help!
My husband and I have been married for almost three months. About two weeks ago he admitted to having an affair with one of my bridesmaids. She came on to him when they were working together (They are in similar fields.) She and I also work together, as she has two jobs.
I’m not angry with my husband, but there are times I am irrationally angry at the woman. She has known both of us for almost ten years. I trusted her with my love, trust, friendship and my husband’s time and she threw it all back in my face with a knife to my heart.
I feel like I can no longer call myself a Mrs. because no one believed that he was really unavailable; including our closest friends. It didn’t matter to her that she witnessed him sign the marriage license with me by his side. I feel worthless, and ugly, and unloved.
I promised my husband I would stay with him, and he trying everything he can to make us work, but I’m starting to ask myself if I want this to work anymore. He refuses to talk to the Pastor that I asked him to talk to with me, and he won’t let me talk to anybody about it; he suggested someone that I don’t want to talk to, so I’m alone. I have nothing.
My husband of five years, cheated on me about 3 months ago, and I realized it about a month ago that he had an affair. Since then I’m lost and totally given up on my life. He, on the other hand, has become more attentive to our marriage. What kills me is that why this should have happened to us to make him realise that life can be good if you want it to be good…I’m the same person, so why now he is changed…why he gave up on us???? and so many other whys in my head…
Hey traci, i am so happy for you….i have a similar story to share.I had been dating by husband from the age of 15.And after a courtship of about 6 years,we got married, i was 21 then.After 4 yrs of marriage we were blessed with a beautiful daughter.Everything seemed so perfect,but it didn’t last for long,i caught my husband cheating on me when my daughter was around 3.I was shattered,couln’t believe a person whom i loved and trusted so much could do this to me,probably i started taking everything for granted and didn’t notice the signs of my husband cheating on me.Anyways with not much of financial backing and the stress of bringing up a daughter on my own forced me to stay in the marriage.Nevertheless i took up a job and am financially independent now and very much in the marriage.I cannot say it’s a perfect marriage,but we are trying our best……he says he is not cheating on me anymore but I think of the affair almost every day,it hurts….and though i try not to, i keep doubting about his whereabouts.Can anyone help me with their suggestions to get over these feelings because i still love him somewhere,after all i’ve known him for good 19 yrs and i would definitely want to add that he is a wonderful human being except for the part that he cheated on me….which is the worst a man can do to a woman.
Wow, Traci, thanks for sharing your experience with us! I’m so glad your husband’s affair turned out to be so helpful for your marriage…and I will make sure to share your experience with my readers. It’s great to hear about the “upside of cheating”
Blessings,
Laurie
My husband had an affair almost 10 years ago now and it was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage. I was forced to take a good hard look at MY behavior in the marriage and I came to realize that I was partly to blame for his affair. I had become emotionally unavailable to him and when something good or bad happened in my life, I called my friends instead of my husband. I had stopped allowing him to love me and to support me and he felt as if I no longer needed him. As a musician on the road with his band, it became to much temptation for him when a girl he met on road became interested in him and was more than available for him emotionally and physically. Once I really started to examine my behavior, I realized that I had as much work to do as he did. My husband cut all ties with his other woman and became committed to working on our marriage to save it. Today, we have a beautiful son, another on the way in a couple weeks, we own our home, and have a fuller, happier life than we ever imagined that we could because we chose to stay together to work on it! We did attend some Christian counseling but mostly, we just worked very hard every step of the way. I think of the affair almost every day but not in a negative way. When I think of it today, it reminds me to be the best wife that I can be to lessen the temptation for my husband to look outside our marriage. He, in turn, is a very attentive, very loving husband who actually goes out of his way to avoid situations where he might be tempted to flirt or be attracted to other women. I say stay, stay, stay……