Jun 022010
 

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Not necessarily. Here’s how to know if he’ll cheat again – the answer will surprise you.

Marriage coach Mort Fertel says spouses who cheat are less likely to cheat again. So, you shouldn’t necessarily leave your boyfriend or husband if you caught him having an affair.

“At this point in a husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll cheat again?” asks Fertel. “If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.”

Husbands who cheated may be more trustworthy than men who never cheated. Below, Mort Fertel explains his theory that he (your husband or boyfriend) will not cheat again.

If you don’t know what to do about his cheating, read What To Do When Your Spouse Cheats: Take Practical Steps To Survive.

Here’s what one reader says about this book:

I was in a similar situation many years ago and I wish I had a book like  What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats to help me during that difficult time. This author has taken a situation that is often fraught with emotions and calmly laid out an action plan for anyone who suspects their spouse is cheating on them. One of the many tips that the author provides is not to leave the house once you have confronted your spouse with some of the evidence that he cheated, and don’t encourage them to leave either. Another point the author raised is to be careful when you vent your anger and hurt to friends or family members. After all if you want to keep your marriage going you don’t want to turn your friends and family against your spouse.  What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats covers either staying in the marriage or leaving it.”

If you don’t know what to do after catching your spouse cheating, read that book.

And, here’s what Mort Fertel says about why men who cheat won’t cheat again

Will He Cheat Again? The Surprising Answer

“My spouse cheated on me, apologized 100 times, stopped his affair, and is committed to being a new man,” says Beth. “I see he’s changed. But wouldn’t I be better off divorcing him and starting fresh with someone new?”

After a husband cheats on his wife, there’s so much pain, baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. Is it possible to rebuild a marriage after the trust is broken? Can you heal from your ordeal?

Does it make sense to just start a new relationship with someone else?

Maybe not.

Most spouses who cope with infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this feeling…but the opposite might be true.

Spouses Who Cheat Are Less Likely to Cheat Again

In Beth’s case, it appears that her husband really changed. He genuinely wants to save his marriage and reconnect with his wife. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the ‘I want a divorce’ wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or an addict, he’s less likely to cheat on her again, compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson about how destructive an affair is to a marriage, they’re less vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who never cheated.

Beth has a choice. If she leaves her cheating spouse, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that Beth always wanted him. I’ve seen it happen too often. But, Beth has another option. She could forgive her husband, save her marriage, and become the lucky woman who gets treated like a queen.

The question is: how do you heal after finding out that your spouse cheated on you? How do you forgive? How do you get to the point where you’re able to give your husband another chance?

You shouldn’t stay with your partner if you think he will cheat again. If you’re confused because your instincts are telling you he’s not trustworthy, read 5 Signs Your Boyfriend Will Cheat on You Again.

If you’re ready to forgive, read Healing the Pain When Your Husband Has Been Unfaithful.

“No matter how dark the moment, love and hope are always possible.” – George Chakiris.

will he cheat again

If you want to rebuild your relationship, read How to Reconnect With Your Spouse.

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How to Know If He'll Cheat Again
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Once a cheater, always a cheater? Here's how to know if he'll cheat again - the answer will surprise you!
Is your marriage in trouble? Get a free marriage assessment and free relationship advice.

If you're dealing with a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love
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  112 Responses to “How to Know If He’ll Cheat Again”

  1. If your gut tells you that he’ll cheat again, you have to listen to it! That’s the best way to tell if he’ll betray you again…but it’s also the hardest thing to listen to. Our hearts get in the way.

  2. Thanks for sharing your story, Nina. Some things aren’t forgivable, are they? And nobody can tell us if we should forgive, or if we should leave a spouse who cheats. It’s such an individual decision.

    Maybe your husband’s hickeys were symbols of his cheating on his body, which bothered you more than “just” knowing or thinking he cheated?

  3. My husband has had three confirmed affairs since we got married. Within the first month he slept with his ex girlfriend. I didn’t find out until three years later when he reconnected with her when she was getting married and made declarations of love to her via text messages and she did the same to him. They stopped communicating when I confronted them. Mind you the reason they broke up is because she had been cheating on him for over a year with a co worker and everyone knew but him. About two years after that he was seen kissing a coworker of his and even took her to his best friend’s birthday dinner. They were openly affectionate in front of everyone and one of my co workers saw them together that night. She was sitting in his lap etc. He denies they ever had sex but I’m not stupid. in August of 2012 he came home with 2 HUGE hickeys on his chest above the nipple area and tried to brush it off. I later found out he has been having a relationship with a married woman with four kids. And after all that he says he doesn’t want a divorce…I have no feelings for this man. Strange i forgave everything else but the Hickeys I couldn’t.

  4. I found out that my husband had cheated on me throughout our dating relationship and through the first months of our marriage. I was 8 months pregnant and we were about 8 months married. {We didn’t get married because I was pregnant…we had already planned our wedding when we found out I was pregnant.}
    My husband is military and we were set to move 7 weeks after our baby was born. I chose to stay and try to make it work – it was just too little time to work through it all.
    Our baby is now 3 1/2 and we’ve had 2 military moves. He’s soo apologetic and has literally done everything to show his remorse. I have no doubt that he has been faithful.
    My issue is that I no longer feel that any of our relationship is real. Everything I loved about him, was me buying into a lie. I’ve been dying the last 3 1/2 years and I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I just don’t know what to do. I’m going to counseling for the 3rd time (starting in a week). I’m just sooo hurt. How do you fall in love again with someone who had you fall in love with them under false pretenses?!

  5. I know my husband has been cheating we never have sex, he is always finding excuses, such as always I tried, my husband tone of skin changes and there is a different look about him. When he cheats he looks at me undereyed. One time we were having sex and at the point of his ejaculation he called me Chandra another womans name. I have been called Sherry, Barbara. One time oral sex was done but before the act he state let me get under the umberalla never heard that before. However, he still lies. When my husband goes to work he dressed very poorly, but when he comes home he is neat and clean. I ask him why when you leave home you look raggady, but when you come back home your are neat and clean he gave no response. This has been going on for many many years. I feel so alone and tried. My husband is a cross country truck driver. Some of the women he has cheated with has approach me in a manner making me aware of their adultress acts. Yet he still lies. When he gets in to bed he turns his back. I forgave him when he called me Sherry first and I keep on finding my self forgiving him. He has went as far as with the women in the neighborhood. One painted her house the color of mine. It’s a constant insult a slap in my face. I do Love my husband. I have gone so long without sex until my body really talking to me my desires are exceptional strong until I find myself fighting myself. It is depressing and draining me. I have lost trust and doubt him. He says he Loves me, but I feel that just to pascify me. My husband has become a stranger to me I don’t know he is or what I married we have been married for 20 years within the first five years I was called Sherry, she even approached me during that time an stated I am going to get your husband. My husband has never been truthful with me not even to our vows.

  6. hi i wnt know what shud be done with this situation ,, mohithkumar medikonda who is from nellore he is very worst person he cheated many person and he loved one girl he is not marrying that girl he told to his parents but there parents making delay and he is cheating that girl enjoying with the other girls he is not bother he is working in ibm so he has money ,,,, always cheating ,,, always making fraud with that girl wnted to put cheating case on him

  7. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says that men who cheat make better husbands – if they’re truly and sincerely sorry – because they realize how destructive cheating is, and they don’t want to lose their families.

    The problem is, how do you know if your husband is the type of man who cheats once and would never cheat again, or if he’ll keep cheating on you? I don’t know what the answer is. You have to trust your gut, I guess. I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful!

  8. I just discovered last week that my husband was cheating on me. It was with a woman he used to be friends with before we met. I always felt we had a good relationship and he was always honest with me -even about things it might be difficult to be truthful about. When we got engaged his lost his children when his ex wife found out. This has been an ongoing emotional issue for him since. He was VERY close with both children and was a great father. He stayed in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship with his ex wife for 10 years for his children. Now, not only does he not see them, they send him nasty messages saying he is a piece of sh*t, they’ve got a new father etc. He blamed himself and started drinking a little heavy. I discussed this with him and it seemed he had cut back but he had very bad self esteem issues from this. He has also been taking care of his grandma since he was 19 and she was actually living with us, but we had to put her in a nursing home and he felt extreme guilt. In the last several months I’ve noticed the drinking get heavy again. Once I found out that he cheated, he was very open with the details. They slept together twice over the course of a few weeks but he continued to email her only because she was threatening to expose that they slept together. He said he’s relieved that I finally know as cheating on me only caused him to drink even more. I didn’t know it at the time but he was drinking to numb the pain of losing his children and other personal issues, even at work. He was hiding how many drinks he had each night. He says that he doesn’t know why he did it…he loves me more than anything and has no explanation. I told him I’d consider working through it if he 1) Quit drinking 2) went to see a counselor on his own and 3) agreed to marriage counseling. He agreed to all three. Now that he’s gone to see the counselor he’s been diagnosed with depression and has even agreed to get on medication. He says the cheating was an attempt to temporarily feel better about himself and escape reality – just like the drinking, although he has accepted full responsibility and says there’s no excuse. Reading all these stories and other comments…I’m scared to give him another chance. Any advice?

  9. I ask. If they were not caught, would they keep cheating. I think they would. It’s when they are caught and confronted, that they appologize to you. As for me, if I feel I want to cheat, then I should be divorced. There is no excuse, NONE. I am going through hard times now with my wife and see many women out there, I would like to be with; however, it’s not worth it. I am of the Jewish faith but I feel all religions should follow this. Till death due us part should mean what it says.

  10. My husband has cheated on my repeatedly. During the first 15 years of our marriage I saw signs, didn’t want to believe it and put up with a lot of internal pain and mental abuse. When I confronted him, he became apologetic, won’t happen again, etc. After 30 years of marriage he fell in love with and started making plans with her to be together permanently. When I discovered this, he apologized, said he didn’t know why he did what he did, we went to counseling and he remained frozen – not wanting to leave his home and family, but wanting the mistress. Our adult children let him know they weren’t going to have a relationship w/him and the other woman. We separated – things with the OW fell apart, he met a younger woman he dated and took to wonderful places. After two years I asked for a divorce and when confronted with that, said he wanted to come back home. I thought he really had decided to make a true commitment to our marriage and family. Within two years the affairs started again and I am numb. It doesn’t hurt as much now discovering the new women (yes more than one) and his words of longing and lust for them and I just can’t bring myself to gather the strength to confront him and go through all the pain again. I just feel exhausted thinking of dragging our whole family through this mess again. He on the other hand treats me like a queen, is generous and thoughtful. And I know that’s because he loves having both worlds – family and mistresses. And, yes, I look in the mirror and compare myself to these women and find fault with myself even though my friends tell me I’m smart and attractive I don’t feel that way. Have to find strength to pick up the phone, make appt. w/a counselor – avoiding it because I know they will tell me what I don’t want to do.

  11. I think you are wrong. My brother in law has cheated on my sister several times. One time when she was pregnant with kid #2…and he had a CHILD with a woman a little after kid #4 showed up.

    He’s also a full blown alcoholic and has illness (physical) due to his unhealthy life. He has no interest in the kids and now she wants to leave and HAVE A LIFE after 20 years, he is resisting divorce.

    Forgive a cheater? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

  12. What if the relationship is 3-4 years old with a small child involved and you ARE NOT married? But had been planning to get engaged soon? I recently found out he cheated (one drunken night out of town) but it happened 2 years ago… about 2 months after our son was born..

    It seems to hurt more after sharing something so precious together, but then we weren’t having sex during those 2 months due just having the baby & complication with the delivery (Dr said non for 12 weeks)

    I never imagined in a million years he would do that, we had absolutely no trust problems whatsoever…

    Still together and going to counseling, it’s helped a lot -but the pain still lingers and I just don’t know if I’m being lead in the right direction. Does God want us to stay together?

  13. Once is always. A leopard can’t change it’s spots. And what about the spider that road frog to the other side of the pond and bite it with poison and they both died? When the frog asked why, the spider said, “its my nature” Maybe you cheaters out there don’t want to here it. But maybe your purpose in life is simply to be an example. Maybe mine is? I dunno but I know for damn sure that forgiveness, by no means, is forgetting. And when you stare at the cause of your pain and suffering every day and she love tarnished know it’s better to leave. When the paper is crumpled up it can’t be perfect again. No matter how hard you try. Counseling is great, retreats are great and I’ve done em. But nothing will ever EVER replace the creeping doubt in the back of your mind for so long as you live. Cut your losses, pick up your self-respect and have the gall to move on. Airborne

  14. I understand how hard adultery can be… how devestating… destructive. It can play games with your mind and make you doubt what is suppose to be the most intimate of relationships. However…

    It sounds like many of these comments come from Christians who have been betrayed. Marriage is for life. Divorce is not a choice that is on the table. Til DEATH do us part.

  15. I have cheated on my husband several times. He found out once. I was **good** for several years, but now I am involved with another man ( my third since the time he found out). THe man I am involved with has a similar history. He has been married for 35 years and was a huge cheat…but only one night stands. He stopped for about 15 years but then we met and it started as work friendship, then closer working conditions, and finally intense emotional and sexual relations. We have been pretty intensly involved for about 6 months and there is no let up…just greater intensity. We are each comfortable at home and see no reason to upset the apple cart. His wife suspects and is squeezing him, but he won’t stop seeing me. If she kicks him out he is OK with that. He doesn’t want to be the one to go home and tell her he is leaving, and I get that…I am pretty much the same. Bottom line…once a cheater always a cheater. I believe it is the rare spouse who never cheats again…the exception. My lover and I are living proof, and we have many friends who are in the same situation. Doing it once makes it easier the next time, and getting caught makes you know EXCATLY what to do to not get found out…so, I would say that yes…the honest spouse can live in bliss with blinders on because the caught cheater has just become more careful and has ensured that the spouse at home will NEVER discover subsequent affairs. If you have been chated on, leave. Have respect for your self and move on. Don’t be pathetic. If he/she cheats, he/she doesn’t really want you, doesn’t give a damn about the **committment** and will do it again. The apologies aren’t because they are sorry, they are because they got caught and want to continue eating their cake and having it too. Plus, unless you are very weealthy, divorce is expensive and the costs are great ( reduce income by 50%, perhaps have to leave your home, etc. )

  16. Hey author,

    Plz dont make the miserable wives conclude that their cheating husbands are GODS’ guft to mankind and never ever lose them. Always, a simple life is beautiful. and it will not have lies, manipulation, cheating etc etc all that comes as a package with spouses’ indifference

  17. @Sole Just tell your sister.

  18. i am 26 and not married.am just worrid about my sister and two kids.her husband is cheating on her.the thing is thing is that because the business he is doing they live in different place and i live with him.i know what he is doing.what should i do?

  19. Hey, I was married to a high school teacher who was abusive throughout our 15 year marriage. It only got worse once I exposed the abuse, and was pregnant with my third child. He got an apartment and although lied, starting seeing other women. Treated me like shit!!!
    Bought his sister’s house and put it back together cause he didn’t want to look like a bastard!! Had both worked at the school, but constantly told me I didn’t make enough money and was just a stupid secretary.
    Went to marriage counselling once and he recommended that I seek help.
    Eventually, went for a football weekend with the boys from the highschool, but wouldn’t give a phone number , said he call with one when he got there. Even went to the bank to get him $300 for his weekend with the teacher colleague from the highschool. To make matters worse we had both worked there for 15 years. I had resigned my position to stay at home with the kids. Came home on the Sunday night after no call or phone number and I questioned his actions. He left to go to him mommies house and said that everything I said was verbal diarrhea. I prayed and asked if he was willing to leave her and repair the marriage, as the childreen were 7, 5, 4. He said no he cared for her!!! After selling my piano to get legal aid and taking him to court he wanted to reconcile, but still cotinued to sleep with the colleague school teacher and said he was renting a room from her. The judge really bought this one, asked him to produce a cheque.
    I believe they were an item since 1991 and toots was tired of waiting to be married. Many call were coming into the house.
    Such a filthy liar.

    Still a creep unto this day. Messed up everyone’s life and he’s about to retire. The lovely couple had an accident and toots is disabled.
    They are going to travel. We myself and my 3 children lived in poverty.

    WHAT A NICE GUY!! EVERYBODY LIKES HIM AS HE SAYS

    YOU BE THE JUDGE
    HE WAS SO NOT WORTH IT

  20. I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing Jackson, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. Visit: reunitingexspell@gmail.com and i ordered a LOVE SPELL. 2 days later, my phone rang. Jackson was his old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only come back, the spell caster opened him up to how much I loved and needed him. Spell Casting isn’t brainwashing, but they opened his eyes to how much we have to share together. I recommend anyone who is in my old situation to try it. It will bring you a wonderful surprises as well as your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be.” you can contact the spell caster on– reunitingexspell@gmail.com he’s very nice and great. ….. Lisa alvin

  21. Wow, Baytta is laughable! Seeing that she was “on the other side”, I can see why she chose to defend the homewrecker and that all men are dogs. If it was the wife that cheated, would the blame solely rests on the wife rather than the lover, or would it be on the lover if he was the guy, and just because he’s the guy?? “The blame falls only on your husband,” “…you chosen to leave the marriage…”, “…you need to forgive..” Wow, talk about letting the homewrecker off the hook. If I need some advice from the homewrecker, I’d have myself committed. The homewrecker will come up with lots of excuses under the sun to keep her “good name”. How laughable!

  22. I had been into a relationship for about more than 4years. our famiies knew about it and we were planned to get maried. I’m female,22, and he is 25. We both studied in the same college until e had to go to some other town for higher studies. we survived the long term relation for a year without any issues. He often came to meet me in my town. Everything was just so perfect. But I somehow came to know a few months later that he was in a physical relationship with some other girl in that town,for the past one year. And I had no idea about what was going on. I couldn’t even think of that. I trusted him blindly and he never made me feel unwanted. With each day, he showed me that his love for me was growing more intense.
    *we never got physical* as I had already asked him that I won’t be doing this before marriage. He never ever forced me for that. Instead he was also of the same opinion. But somehow,the conditions did made me cross my limits. We had a relation of kisses,somewhat more than that.*(You may say, we did everything other than just loosing the virginity)*.and that time too,he ased us to stop, as he didn’t want to be ‘used’ before marrage. he said he wanted to keep the excitement on.
    This thing really means a lot to me,and we both loved each other like hell. He did anything for me,He talked to me, even if he was with that girl, he never lost interest in me. And he had no attachment with that girl.
    and now when I know it all, he has left her, left his studies and came back come, changed his numbers, begged me to not to leave him, has apologized in front of my friends, family. And he says he would pay any damn cost to get me back. he is ready for any sacrifice, i abuse him, i insult him (as I was so shattered,broken)..he listened to that all calmly. He promises that he’ll never let me down again. and that, getting physical with that girl was just his MISTAKE,he couldn’t resist , we were in a long distance, that girl fell for him,she flirted with him and was easily accessible. so he says,that he flowed with the situations.Though they both were never so close,never talked too much,no romantic talks,no future promises,all they shared was sex. (*That girl already knew about me,and our relation,even then she fell in love with him,and now she says that he played with her but he never forced her, she readily accepted his offer. She wants him badly now and asks me to leave him. But he DOESN’T want to be with her,he just wants to be with me in any case.*)
    It has been like 6 months,he’s still begging me to come back. but sleeping with other girl is not a small thing for me too to forgive.
    1)Please suggest, what should I do? I know he loves me no doubt, but is it possible that men loose control so easily & sex is not a big deal for them? Should I give him another chance? or do boys get addicted to having sex somewhere else? Varied sex? Is there the possibility that he’s addicted to it?
    2)Will I be able to forget him? I mean my feelings for him had been so intense,& pure,I had never thought of anyone before.I wanted him to be the once and forever man. Will I be able to forget the relation (physical & emotional, which was my 1st time) ?
    3)If I think of forgiving him, will it be possible to let go all the dirty things,& the lies behind? will we be happy again?
    Please I need the guidance, no one helps me as they say, that its’ my life and I have to decide. But I can’t, and its ruining my health & career. Please suggest me in one direction. Thanks.

  23. Martha, you are absolutely right, affairs are poison to the family life, there is no excuse for committing adultery.
    Jane my heart goes to you, to know that the other woman has your husband’s child & still carry on, is incredible.
    Latoya, that is a very sad thing, not being able to have babies and the one thing you wanted the most, someone else has. Aside from forgiving him just to be betrayed again, I really hope you have a happier life & that GOD will bless you with alot of babies, you really earned it.

    Adultery in most cases is the destruction of the family, whether or not the couple has children. The interesting thing is the stages one go through, when finding out the most despicable act has been committed. However, not all cases are alike so when deciding what to do, I would think that is best to only ask oneself to make that decision, after all, people will only give you advice based on their own experiences. If you decide to work on your marriage be sure he/she also want the same thing, more like the cheating partner should be literally “kissing” your ass, to show their true & honest remorse, if they have. This is a very delicate matter, sometimes it is best to speak to strangers who are going through the same situation, as they can only understand how you really feel inside your broken heart. I read most of the posts & believe me I feel your pain, & wish nothing but the best to each of you. In the bible I read about Satan being like a lion, always roaming around us waiting for someone to resist him/surrender. In Quran I read about Satan proven true his thought about them (people) all, and they all followed him, except a small group of true believers, and he(Satan) had no authority over them. It really all means going astray, once you pick that path then you know he has won you over. Nobody can deny the fact that adultery is one of the worse things anyone can do, whether or not you believe in religion, bottom line is, it is an old commandment which it is still apply in today’s societies as a bad and evil thing to do.

    Love
    Lucy

  24. I am a MM and had a 3 yr. affair with a coworker. She was married also. Initially it was just an escape from the daily grind of life for both of us but spending so much time, seeing each other daily we fell in love. I thought this is it. She’s what I’m missing. Prior to the affair at home I was doing the things I felt was required for a happy marriage, helped cook and clean, shared responsibilities with the kids(2), working out to stay in shape so that I would remain attractive to my wife , nice house, nice cars, the American dream but still unfulfilled somehow. I did talk to my wife, told her I wasn’t happy and a few things that I would like to be different and she did the same. We would do those things for a couple of weeks and then drift back into our same old “comfortable” lifestyle. After the kids we became parents instead of a couple. We let the kids take priority over the marriage. In hindsight I know now that I should have taken another avenue to resolve my feelings, counseling, marriage classes, etc. Anyway, my Ow got divorced about 1 yr ½ into our affair. I never asked her to, never encouraged her too, in fact I told her to try and work it out and that I had no intention of leaving (although my wife later told me in a way I did encourage her because I gave her hope that we could maybe be together by my feelings for her, more on that in a second). Fast forward 2 1/2 years into the relationship. My feelings are growing stronger and finally I decide I am going to leave my wife and so I go to her, a woman I had been married to for 20 yrs, put each other through college, there for me when my brother died, there for her when her mother died, this attractive and spiritual woman, and told her I didn’t think I could live my life without this other woman. She didn’t have a clue about the other woman. Blindsided her. Neither of us will ever forget that day. I moved out of the house, got my own apartment, ready to start my life with “the woman of my dreams”. There’s always something about reality though. Once I moved out the kids started calling me every night asking why didn’t I want to come home, wife asking me did I want to at least try counseling. She handled it all with such class and dignity even though I knew it was killing her inside. The guilt of it all was killing me. It just felt so selfish. I went back home. At first, not for my wife but for the kids. I was still crazy about my OW. The OW felt so betrayed and my wife did too. I didn’t go into it with the intention of hurting anybody and I had ended up hurting everybody. My wife and I did the counseling, took the marriage classes and in a year I learned more about my wife, more about relationships, more about love, more about myself than I had in the past 20. My wife and I are still working through it all. She’s still hurt, hell I’m still hurt, still feel the guilt of causing all that pain to two people that were closer to me than probably anyone. I realize now that I love my wife and I know I don’t deserve her but I thank God for second chances. As for my OW truth be told I still think of her, how I hurt her. I hope that one day she can forgive me. I see the other posts on here and that hurts me too. I wonder if she feels the same. That I just used her and played with her heart. That she never meant anything to me. She probably does. I was crazy about her. I know in my heart that under different circumstances I would have made her mine. Looking back it was the best/worst thing that ever happened in my life. The worse for obvious reasons. The best because without it I would still probably be living my same old “comfortable lifestyle”, bored, unfulfilled. So people say “Once a cheater, always a cheater” not for me. I never want to cause my wife, myself or any other person that kind of pain again. I know now that a marriage takes work and commitment and I’m all in.

    • You’re a complete pig. Both women should have left you because that is what you deserve. Men like you are disgusting worthless human beings. You tell this story of redemption like you deserve a medal. Men like you go around ruining women’s lives and wasting their time.

  25. Dear Baytta: I like how girls would find fault on one gender just to justify their actions. I don’t see guys suggesting that a husband should forgive his wife and not her lover IF SHE WAS THE ONE who cheated. It’s pure sexism, plain and simple. Like suggesting that crimes are more likely to be committed by black people, which is like racism. Age, sex, or race has non to do with who caused an affair. Do you ever stop to think that some women can be much of wh*res as their married lovers are?? It takes two people to create an affair. So Baytta, when you said that you were on the other side, then you must be the other woman who is trying to escape Karma or denies ever having to wrong anyone. I like that you are too quick to respond with the whole “the mistresses are blame free” crap once this article comes up. You must be Sue from Mesa, Ariz, who wrote to Dear Abby about Remorseful In Georgia. I will be waiting for your response anytime soon.

  26. I think that the other woman shouldn’t be blamed IF she didn’t know the man was married. If she did well, you can blame and call her whatever you want. I don’t believe revenge is the right answer either, it really won’t help you when/if you divorce and you want money. Making him the total bad guy will really help there I think. If you do stay with make sure he’s sincere, I would go with the baseball Idea, 3 strikes and your out.

  27. Yes. A second chance is deserved. I am the bad guy in my marriage, I cheated on my hubby. One encounter 5 years ago with a man that meant nothing at all to me. Now, because I confessed what I had done to my hubby, I am facing a divorce. I admit that what I did was wrong. We were in a bad place, intimacy between us was almost non existent and I did the most horrible thing a wife can do to her beloved hubby. I cheated. However, I have to tell you that there is no way in hell I would ever ever ever do it again. My hubby is so mad at me, he is divorcing me after 15 years together. I am 32, we’ve been together since I was 17 through thick and thin. We were a power couple, one of those couples that everyone thought would be together forever. Now, here I am living in my parent’s home, he is in an apartment and my son spends the majority of his time at hubby’s house. I am a very hands on, involved mother and this has almost killed me. I miss my hubby, I miss my son, I miss my family. I know I should be punished for what I stupidly did…..I just wish that hubby could find a way to forgive me and let me be the most loyal and loving wife ever. He’s a great man and I miss him so much. So any ladies out there thinking that they want to escape from their crazy lives and step into the world of adultery I would highly advise against it. The grass is not greener and nothing in the world is worth hurting your spouse the way that I have.

  28. I have been with my husband for 16 years. He recently admitted that he sheated 8 years ago with a co-worker and that after he indulged in his pleasure he left and never spoke to her again. He stated that this was his only time and that he learned his lesson. He attempted to kill himself due to the “paon” ot caused him and I assited him through that difficult period.Myself and my husband I thought had a great relationship though we had challenges like most we also raised 7 lovely chuldren five being mine and 2 being our together. Though I asked questions regarding the affair he doesnt seem to remember her name just that he slept with her, or anything else for that matter. At almost 50 years old and still slim and attractive I wonder if it is best for me to move on now before he repates it again. I figured that if during that time in which he slept with her neither myself or our kids came to his mind then I doubt that we would in the event it happens again. My husband is a very attractive man so I figured he wont havce a problem finding someone else. Unfortunately all of these stories I find sad. when a committment is made to a person if you no longer feel the need to be with them then you need to be honest and leave. That is the best wat of keeping your self respect and decency if you have any

  29. I AM SO LOST and CONFUSED
    After almost 10yrs of marriage I finally have proof.
    He admits to years of infidelity. He sees counselor and says he is a sex addict and narcissist.
    We divorce. Years pass and we start spending time together. I can see real change in him.
    I want our kids to have family. I give him another chance.
    At first it is wonderful. But the more I find myself falling again the more CRAZY I feel. I’m blessing over the past. I THOUGHT I forgave him bit I guess I haven’t.
    I can’t relax or breath. I’m consumed by checking up on him.
    I was never like this when we weren’t together or in other relationships.
    Is it Really worth it?

  30. baytta is correct, these men do manipulate and shower affection and they dont want to be exposed. they abuse you after you find out youve been duped if you threaten to tell anyone they are leading a double life,double personality.. they also adapt themself to an ideal man..they are far from..
    they do manipulate all the women.

    i am on this page as my ‘husband’ not in the spiritual sense just on paper,left this paage open. he stalks me, i dont want to be him, he found out about me and a man who groomed me is the best way to put it -over the net-then got rid very spitefully,anyway, my husband wants to sort things out but this is why i cheated in the first place, wanting him to leave me the hell alone as being with this alcoholic thug who calls me absive names and told other men id suck them off and a french man that i hate the french when they had been rude to me on many occassions cos i coudnt speak french, so this guy beat his hand at me saying he should beat me,my boozed up partner was stood next to him,in my world the loving partner should be protecting not acting the enemy…
    i had travelled all the way to canada to see the burk, his mother would send me awful gossipy cruel emails about me when i didnt do a damn thing to her, like her son, who is always in his behaviour ‘the big man’, she is also emotionally immature and a bully.
    my ‘husband’ forces me to be with him and drained my energy so much by never hearing me and name calling for days, i wanted to escape…being told someone loves ya but them treating you like an emotional punchbag is evil… so people do have their reasons for straying!!!!!!!!
    maybe you guys commenting need to take a look at how you are with the ‘cheater’.do they ask u to change but you remain draining?????
    with a lack of emotional connection to my ‘husband’ i felt he had already messed up the marriage vows,his drinking was a mistress.
    i could not and can not trust him with my heart, i actually felt my love being drained from me by so much cruelty, i went cold when he did that unnecc cruelty for the last time and in nervous breakdown mode i coped by talking to other men. to gain some pathetic regard for my damaged mind and heart after lengthy years of abuse, i wanted to feel love and happiness again, intimacy and connection with a man.not him.not my ‘husband’ his repeated behaviour showed he didnt care or love or know me at all…
    i even asked for my marriage cert, he wont give it, i said i didnt love, he calls me names still, i dont wana talk about stuff but i am forced to.
    i want him to go back to canada, he is self serving, secret emails to people in canada who told me he had told them to not tell me he was leaving uk and going back to canada..this was when he first arrived, my mum had told him he would have to leave my home if he didnt become ‘easier’ as i was being very emotionally drained hence hard on kid too dealing with a man who randomly asked in front of my 4 yr old if i ‘sat on my ex’s cock while watching tv’
    i just wana be single..however he makes me feel sorry for him cos he is homeless cos he canot live with me and my son cos he is highly emotional he didnt learn the skills to have boundaries in childhood/teenage years- example getting drunk for days snotting next to me when im eating,throwing food around id made, to sober him up!!! being child like deliberatly difficult, he would also if i tryd to leave him tell me he was ‘running the bath’-ie:suicide. he never heard me, i did warn him to be easier. and believe me i am not even including so many out of order incidents.. watching and hearing me crying the lack of empathy he has makes me paranoid he is simply wanting me to drain of me-energy.. he is a sadist.. so i cheated.

  31. I do not have a reply but was in hopes for some help with my situation. My kids father and I were married then divorced for reasons other than seperation we did not seperate then it wa later on that we did then we tried making it work again, and failed and now again are trying But it is hard for me because we were living in Vancouver for awhile but under some cercumstances has to move in order to have a place to stay with our children I came without him just me and our 2 children to stay with my sister he stayed to continue working in order to make money to fix his car and then come he stayed with his brother and girlfriend ok a month after he has already came and been with us at my sisters he gets a text and it said hey baby when are you coming back? I responded asking who it was she replied that her and my kids dad had slept and been together we it went on for a bit i kinda beleived her but him too at the same time well ya it all bothered me so much that I just called her too hear her side hoping that in talking I could see if she was lying. Well somethings she said to me is now why I am such a mess just the fact that when she told me that when he would make a call to supposably my sister as he told her he would go outside well everytime he called me he would be outside he smokes so thought nothing of it ok the biggest thing she had said to me to make me beleive something is not right with his story and denial of it all is there was a day where he called and I had left to the store to get my sister and I a soda she told him I was gone and he asked about our kids and ahe stated she was watching them while I went to the store. OK well this girl told me that there was one time he called and was all upset because I took off and left the kids with my sister and the way she said it was the way I know he wouldd have said it. His story changes so much when I try and ask about it first she was never there and then he doesnt know maybe she heard him say it to his brother I replied to that with thought she was never there he then says well I dont know i dont know who was there I said you were there in the house but have no clue if she was or was not there he claims he does not know so ya it is all a mess and I just really want and need to know it is the not knowing that is killing me morethan if he did.

  32. Hi all. Have been with my wife since 15, and married for15years. Found out two years ago that she had been having an affair with my younger brother for atleast 4 years. we are still together and i have cut that evil sibling out of my life. we have three children, and i try to be positive. I seem to manage for short periods but then get dragged back down into the vicious circle of going over it again and again in my head. Feel like my life has been a waste and wish i wasnt here most days. Wife says she still loves me, she has been the only love of my life. But i wonder what love means to her if i am honest.

  33. Learning of the unfaithfulness of a cheating spouse can be one of the most difficult things for a woman or a man to deal with in life. The marriage bond is a very powerful bond that should be treated with utmost respect and the highest regard. However, in the event that a spouse has been unfaithful, if they are genuinely remorseful, 100% repentant and absolutely committed to healing the wounds that they have created and making the marriage work agian moving forward, then to forgive a spouse that has been unfaithful, and to choose to love and stay committed to the original vows that you made, can be one of the most powerful things that a person can do in life. It can transform into an even more beautiful relationship then the one you had before. It will not be an easy road back to regaining full trust in your spouse again, but the act of forgiveness and the willingness to love through the pain can strengthen a marriage bond in a powerful way.

  34. the counselor is a cheater himself and that’s his lame excuse to justify his own mistake by attempting to receive support from the world. typical personality disorder behaviour swinging between borderline and hysterical disorders.

    if you forgive a guy who has cheated, i guarantee you he will cheat again. if he is forgiven in his current relationship, he will 100% cheat again. because cheating causes the body to produce extreme amount of adrenalin and there is a mental disorder called adrenalin addiction. people will do anything to get that high feel again. if because of his behaviour the relationship ends, he can maybe learn not to do the same mistake in his next relationship. alternatively, he will try to find a woman who can put up with being cheated on which is more likely to happen.

    period!

    p.s.: i am a guy

  35. I have been through both sides of this. My only comment to sum it up is ” You can’t have a man who doesn’t want to be had”. ( I suggest everyone read the book ” infidelity slouthe”. ) . I once had a private detective ask me ” once you find out the truth what are you going to do with the evidence and how will you respond?” he proceeded to tell me that I would be the secret agent ( meaning I had to pretend to go on with life as if all was Rosie while he gained hard evidence). You have to remember that the spouse, male or female, is the one who has made a commitment that has been broken. They are the ones who owe you an explanation. Read the book and do lots of research along with meet with detectives; they will emotionally help you in every way.
    I can’t tell my story because of the details. ( things i found out almost destroyed me and all FAMILIES involved. Yes families- not just two. It was generations) I can say it’s emotionally draining for all parties involved. Nobody will gain anything except for hurt and destruction!!!

  36. Well, in my case, that didn’t work. 5 years ago I forgave my husband for an affair & worked through it. Or so I thought. 18 months ago, I found him at her house & he confessed that he had never stopped seeing her. He said he was wanting out of the relationship, and now that I knew, he had truly learned his lesson & he’d be the best husband ever & never make that mistake again. Fast forward to this past September when I was in the hospital dying from blood clots in my lungs. He resumed his friendship with her. I don’t think they were having an affair again, but on November 29, we had a fight & he left. He went straight to her house & has been there ever since. The way I see it, a man that can break those vows don’t hold them dear enough, and he will do it again if it suits him.

  37. I forgave my husband when he cheated on me and left me a week before our 15th anniversary. At the thirty year mark I thought we had something to celebrate. I thought we rebuilt our marriage. I thought he had grown up and matured and that we were on our way to launching our last child and having a chance to be a couple again and enjoy our last years of work, retirement, grandchildren — growing old together. Instead he left me again. He confessed to having multiple affairs. I filed for divorce and it was granted very quickly and he was married within three months of our divorce being final. When he came back to me the first time he told me that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me and that he would never leave me unless I kicked him out. That didn’t happen. I may sound bitter. I am not. I am glad we raised our family together — although he was not around as much as I would have liked. I am glad that we never had to fight over custody or visitation. Our divorce was mediated. We didn’t use lawyers. He felt guilty and left my life as intact as possible and even though he can’t really afford it I got alimony. I didn’t have to sell my house or get a second job. His second marriage ended before they celebrated their first anniversary. He texts me to say that his years with me were his best and that his actions toward me were terrible. He tells me that I am a wonderful mother — and that I didn’t do anything wrong, I was a good wife. Am I interested in taking him back? NO!! I don’t think he will change. He is as charming as ever — and as likely to cheat as ever. He will keep finding women to stroke his ego. I would have voted differently. I would have loved to grow old with the father of my children. I would have liked for him to make different choices. I can’t change that — but I can let it go and live my own life now. My advice to someone with a cheating husband. Don’t count on them not cheating again. They may not have it out of their system — they may have just tested the waters and decided they like dipping their toes in now and then. I wanted to believe he was faithful so badly that I ended up being the wife that didn’t see what was really going on. When I asked questions he was very good at making me feel guilty for not trusting him. Now I have 20/20 hindsight. I would tell other women of cheating husbands to trust your instincts. If you feel crazy or like something just doesn’t add up then you are probably right. Keep your eyes open and make your own choices and then you live with them. As for me I am finally moving on.

  38. Bayatta, you couldn’t have said it better! What you said is the REAL truth & both mistresses and wives need to face reality. I don’t date married men but I have run into men like this who have tried to lure me in & let me tell you-they are some of the most dishonest, manipulative SOB’s on the planet. They are very capable of putting on whatever face to suit both the mistress and the wife. Women need to stop wasting time on these men because they will most likely do it again despite what the above article says. Every marriage, and I mean EVERY marriage, of friends & aquaintances I have known where there was infidelity involved and they stayed eventually dealt with it again & again at some later point in the marriage. They eventually either had to finally leave or aquiesced to the fact that “this is the way it is going to be if I stay married to this person.” Ironically, it seems that I have more men friends who have been cheated on by wives than the other way around. I have a friend who’s wife cheats on him an average of at least once a yr. & he takes her back every time. She always says she’s sorry & she will never do it again but repeats it again and again. His own mother-in-law told him he needed to leave.

    People, don’t waste your time putting up with and enabling a cheater as most will eventually do it again. If you think it won’t happen again, then you are in serious denial & living in la-la land.

  39. I feel like my husband may be cheating but don’t have any solid evidence besides his actions. I knew this man was a cheater before I was with him in previous relationships. I told his ex-girlfriend about our affair because I felt like I wouldn’t want to be done that way. I talked to a preacher who warned me to stay away from him because if he cheated on her then he’ll cheat on you too. We’ve been together 3 years and I now feel like I’m being put on a back burner. When we get intimate the only thing that I can do to really turn him on is to mention having a threesome. He will then start naming women that we both know that he would like to involve. I feel like such a fool because he never wants to have sex with me anymore. I feel like I am totally selling myself out and sometimes I am amazed by all the women he thinks about.

  40. you women that stay with a cheating husband, is just weakness on your part and more or less it WILL happen again! once they commit adultry once, they’ll do it again. When men cheat, it tends to knock down yourself esteem! Also, leaving you with unanswered questions of why, what, when, how come. You won’t find the answers so don’t go bother looking. I’m not saying this to put any woman down. I’m an attractive 42 year old female. I discovered my husband viewing porn and for some reason, I *69 his phone, and a womans voice said, “Are you a male seeking other women”? I almost s*** myself. Well today, I turned on the computer and there it was again, match.com. I hit the history button, and that said, “Would you like to view similar sites other than the one you have been viewing”? Now it’s time for a divorce. I came to a point in my life that there isn’t a man on the face of this earth that is going to drag me down. You have to be strong, have faith, pray and move on. Continue to do the things you love doing, such as hobbies, family, and friends. I know it is very difficult, however, if you DO have faith in yourself and God, your going to find yourself much better off, opposed to worrying about what he’s doing.

  41. So…I have been married for 13 yrs to my best friend. We have a teenage son and a 1 y/o daughter. Long time between kids i know, didn’t happen for us. Well, i have been dealing with other woman issues for so long that i can’t take it any more. My husband is deployed to Afghanistan, coming home soon and I have found out that he has cheated with his bro’s wife, told another woman he “thinks he feel in love with her” and got caught kissing another woman while I was prego last yr! We have been through alot (obviously) and I have tried to look past things. I didn’t have any real proof of previous episodes besides stupid texts that were explicit, but vague. I am in full time nursing school w/o family around here to help and am totally lost as to what to do. He denies the affair w/sister in law as she said he would take it to the grave. He says she’s gone crazy and has no idea why she’d say something like that. But it has almost ruined her marriage as well, so why make it up?? I have had an emotional relationship w/a guy. We kissed and i was so upset that I made such a bad mistake. That was years ago and I feel like if I tell my hubby he won’t be as forgiving as I have been all these years. Where do I go from here? He’s coming home from war with all sorts of other baggage too. I am so lost.

  42. How much do you love her Justin???

  43. My wife and I separated this July after she and our three daughters moved out. Regrettably, in a ridiculous argument, I told her to leave and that I wanted a divorce. I was sick with a nasty infection that I had received from being outdoors. I was in and out of the hospital and the doctor’s office. I was under a lot of stress because I’ve been going to school and working full-time, supporting our family.

    It gets more complex, as I lost a good job a couple years ago, and since we have been going through financial problems.

    I recently learned that my wife, who now lives out-of-state with our daughters, has been seeing someone else since July, a man whom she had apparently met in January.

    Bottom line, I don’t care that she has been seeing this other person. I blame myself for her leaving. I love her very much and I have done all I can think of to try to reconcile with her. I have asked her to go to counseling. I even invited her to my family’s Thanksgiving (to which she replied OK, but then she’s going on vacation with her new boyfriend that weekend).

    Perhaps I am being foolish in trying to salvage my marriage. How much time should I give her to come back before I should move on?

  44. I guess I should start off by admitting that I cheated on my husband before he did. It wasn’t an affair by any means and I cut it off as soon as I messed up. We were going through a really rough patch at the time and I allowed myself to believe the grass was greener on the other side. Before anyone judges me, I want to make it clear that I know that nothing justifies cheating and that I am completely aware that I was a fool and a coward. Instead of trying to work things out I made things much much worse. I debated for a month on what to do but in the end I confessed to my husband what I had done even though I knew things could go horribly wrong. At first he forgave me but then it became a downward spiral…he didn’t know how to cope with what I had done. We separated hoping to sort things out.

    My husband and I had been separated for nearly a year when I discovered he was cheating on me. I had suspicions something was going on when I went to visit him–we were trying to work things out but some girl from his college kept sending him text messages at all hours of the night. I immediately confronted him about it but he just kept saying she was a friend and nothing more. Needless to say the trip was cut short when he refused to show me the messages. A great part of me regrets that I left because apparently at that point it hadn’t turned into a physical thing yet. Regardless, he spent months ignoring my questions about what was going on with this girl or plain out lying to me. Finally one day I just decided to check his emails and surprise, surprise I found compromising messages that his account had saved without him even knowing. They were stupid things like “I miss you” and “I can’t wait to see you” but I knew there was more to it. I immediately confided in my sister-in-law and she discovered chat conversations that had also been saved which were worse. He had no way of denying it after all the evidence was right there. I called him and told him he was a coward for not being able to just tell me the truth. Obviously I know how hard it is to be honest about something like this but lying just adds insult to injury. Of course he had no choice but to admit that he had slept with that girl. He tried to convince me it had only occurred once but I’m not an idiot and finally got him to admit it was several times over the course of 2 months. The affair didn’t last long and by the time I saw the conversations it had already ended. He kept insisting she meant nothing to him. He was just feeling lonely, confused, and angry. To top if off this girl didn’t care that he was married and kept pursuing him. Just so there is no misunderstanding I do blame this girl because even after she knew my husband was married and she saw me when I had gone to visit she had no problems sleeping with him. I can say with all confidence that she isn’t a very respectable girl having a known track record of sleeping with other peoples spouses. So yes, the person your spouse cheats with is just as much to blame.

    In the beginning I felt empty and just overcome with sadness. I also kept telling myself I was getting what I deserved for what I had done. It was bad enough we were separated but to top it off my husband kept acting like he did nothing wrong and I had no right to reproach him for what he had done. It also didn’t help that we were living on different sides of the country. He finally came home with the full intention of divorcing me. But after talking and seeing how hurt I was by the entire situation he decided he wanted to work it out. So here we are. He has finally admitted that he messed up bad and that what he did was in fact cheat. Ever since he does all he can to treat me like a queen. I don’t think either of us would go down that path again because it is just way too painful. He has been able to move on from all of this but I still struggle with it every single day. Unfortunately for me he still has a semester to go and that whore is still there. I’ve even had the misfortune of bumping into her (she couldn’t even look me in the eye and just ran away) I keep an eye on him like a hawk but I’m forcing myself to trust him. I feel we owe it to each other to try to work things out but I often wonder if we will make it.

  45. When my husband told the Witch he was married, he said, she said, ” I don’t care”. How can someone not care about the hurt and pain that an affair cause a spouse/family????

  46. I forgave my cheating husband the first time I discovered that he was having a sexual affair with his student assistant. Several years later, on our 18th wedding anniversary,I discovered he was having another affair. This time with a married woman and who is the mother of 4 kids. There are some men who might be able to “change their ways”, but as for my now ex-husband, he only “changed his tactics”. I told him I refuse to give him or anyone else “permission to disrespect me or dishonor our teenager daughter”. He is welcomed to visit and have a relationship with his child, but I will never, ever be his wife or lover again. His constant cheating and lying are symptoms of more deep-seated emotional problems and he needs to seek professional counseling. I realize that divorcing my ex-husband is one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. Now there is peace, joy and contentment in my home. I no longer have to concern myself with whether or not my middle-aged, confused husband is honoring his wedding vows. Life is Good!

  47. Baytta must be the other woman. Take responsibility for your sins sweetie, maybe then you will stay out of other peoples marriages and find your own man. Sleeping with a married man is a sin!!!!! No matter what he say, how he chase, how much he call, or lie, you have a choice in the matter, you can say NO. You will pay for it in the end.

  48. I blame both parties in the affair. I owe it to every married woman/man not to interfere in their marriage. No matter how I’m chased, pursued, lied to etc. We’re each responsible for our own decisions and will pay for our sins. Other Women stop sounding like victims, you’re not victims, you’re a part of the problem just like the husbands. My husband cheated on me. I’m still living with the aftermath of it 3yrs later. Affairs are poison that seeps in an destroy families. Even before the affair is discovered, the poison is destroying. In the end it’s a lose, lose situation for everyone involved.

  49. I disagree with what this blog says and what Baytta says. The blogger may have had a great outcome but it is misleading to indicate that it would be the norm. My father has cheated twice on my mom (that we know of, could be more) and he has no shame and she continues to take him back even though I have pleaded with her to leave him. I have heard of many men cheating more than once so I disagree that if a person cheats he probably won’t do it again. Also Baytta, by saying that the men manipulate both women (wife and mistress) you are minimizing the other woman’s responsibility in this sin. Both times the other woman knew that my dad was married and they were married themselves and one had kids of her own. To say that it is “pathetic” to blame the other woman is ridiculous!!!! The other woman has a brain of her own and knows what is right and what is wrong and they would have to be an idiot to let a man manipulate and virtually control their minds!

  50. At 14, I started dating my husband. I quickly became pregnant with my first child. We stuck things out stayed together. He asked me to marry him soon after, but i refused because I was scared and didn’t want to be one of those girls who got married because she was pregnant. 3 years of dating and an engagement. I find out hes been talking to his ex girlfriend, I confronted him. We argued, and he packed up and left, said he needed time away. Then a week later he ends up going out of state to be with her. Months later, child support and visitation with our son. He contacts me wanting to patch things up for the sake of our son. I believed he was over this ex so I forgave him. We began dating again, I set strict guidelines and made it very clear if he ever cheated again I wouldn’t forgive him. So 13 years later, a second child and a marriage to him. I find out hes talking to a girl he worked with and the same Ex girlfriend. I have found sexual Messages through dating sites and other different wedsites. I am very upset, confused and empty. I have cried many tears over this man, Forgave him and made him my husband, only to be betrayed again. I have no tears left. I firmly believe “Once a cheater always a cheater.” For anyone going through this, You deserve sooo much more! Make a new life and move on. I just wished I would have done this for myself years ago.

  51. I just have to say. Time and time again how many women have heard there was no sex. If they live within a close enough driving vicinity or travel. They had sex. Period!!!!!!! If you consider phone or internet sex as having had sex. Yes they had sex. As Dr Phil put it. If they did something that they wouldn’t of done in front of you. They were cheating….. Some women say they can handle the sex part if there was no em otions attached to the affair. Honestly how will you ever know .. For me personally to say you should only hold the husband responsible and not the other woman is entirely rubbish as one put it. All affairs are different my husbands was with my best friend. Who knew me well. That I was a kind generous loving person and tried very hard to be a good wife and mother of our 4 children. So I shouldn’t be mad at her as well???? Are you nuts???
    Even if she hadn’t known me and had heard all of the worst things imaginable about me from my husband. He is still my husband and she shouldn’t have allowed a married man to put himself out there for her unless she had no morals or values of the sanctity of marriage. Married men are off limits period. After all if they were real men then wouldn’t they not be so weak to betray and destroy their wife and kids. If you were a real woman wouldn’t you want to protect your fellow women and innocent children. Blah!!! Self centered egotistical people. My life is more important then the few casualties. Best of luck to all of you who’ve been the cheated on. It sux!!! So very very painful. Truly a nightmare.

  52. In a world of materialistic values advocated by leading mental health “experts”, we have seen a decline in family values. fortunately, blogs like yours are reaching out and educating people about the problem and what can be done about it.

  53. Im 24yrs and have 3 kids. after my first son was born my boyfriend tried to leave me for another woman he had not been phyically involved with but only through the phone by text messages. He had once liked this girl but she didn’t give him the chance of day cause he was overweight. he lost the weight and became very attractive. he told me he wanted to see where it went and so i was outraged i dumped him; after him begging for me to take him back and saying how sorry he was i still stuck to my guns and left him two months later i took him back and he said he didn’t follow up on anything with her. but little did i know he was already with someone else he had met in sept. 2009 we got back together nov. 2009 and broke up jan 2010 when i found out he was physically cheating on me. we didnt get back togther till the end of may.2010 when she finally dumped him. we have been together and have had two more kids and this new years for 2011 someone has told me he wants to pop the question. i have no idea if i want to marry him or anything. its only been a years out of the 4yrs of being with him he has only been faithful 1yrs. if i say no he will leave me if i say yes i;ll go into a marriage with doubts and i don’t want that. any advice please.

  54. I have been married for 13 years and have been with my husband about 20 years collectively. My husband cheated on me 4 years ago. When I discovered the affair, I confronted him and demanded that he end it right away. He did….or so I thought. I received a call 6 months later from his mistress letting me know that the “relationship” never ended and that now that she was done with him I could have him back to myself.

    Needless to say, I was outraged. I confronted him once again. We talked about the situation, but I was not satisfied. I started researching divorce attorneys because I was very hurt and he shattered my trust that I once had. We have 3 beautiful children together and I did not want to disrupt their lives, so I discontinued my research for divorce attorneys. I went to counseling just to sort things out. It helped out tremendously. My therapist assured me that I was not the reason why he stepped outside of our marriage and really helped me rebuild my self esteem.

    After about 6 months, we started to get back on track. I did tell my husband that this could never happen again because I did not think that I could be as forgiving as I was because this affair really took a toll on me mentally and physically. He assured me that he would never step out again.

    Okay, we used a shared laptop and one day I logged on and was trying to access my Face Book and his Face Book account was still active. I was curious to see what he had been up to because every now and again I do wonder. I looked at his messages and low and behold, he has been in touch with that same woman. He is sending her flirty emails and sending compliments on how sexy she is. Not sure how to proceed with confronting him.

    We have mutual friends and no one in our circle knows that we went through that rough patch. I wanted and needed to vent to someone, but someone who was neutral and did not know either my husband myself. One night I was out and I was chatting with a very handsome man because my husband was outta of town. Before we went our separate ways, I did the unthinkable….gave him my card and told him that I would like to keep in touch. We have been talking for 6 weeks now…..I did confide in him and he has been very objective about the situation and give me his male point of view. I am very attracted to him and he has been a good distraction from what I am dealing with yet again. I know two wrongs do not make a right, but I am very close to “testing the waters”. Maybe if I experienced an outside affair…maybe I could understand it better….maybe I would be okay.

    IDK….soooo confused

  55. d best comment i read help me insome other aspects and decision inmy lifei frgve myhusband but i cant forgetbut i knew that heis trying hes best to be a good husband

  56. I don’t think there’s a black and white answer to this question! Sometimes there are strong reasons to stay with a spouse who cheats, while other times you need to get as far away as possible – as fast as you can.

    If my husband cheated, I’d have a hard time staying with him — no matter what the reasons he cheated or the reasons for staying.

  57. I disagree completely! I just found out that my husband cheated before he went to prison… He told me that she was just a friend nonething more but yet the girl got pregnant and when I found out him and her both denied it… Now that the twins are here she admits they his… We fought about it and I was gonna leave but decided to give him another chance bc he claim he loves me and it was a mistake… But now I found out thru her that he has been writing her and she says he wants to be wit her when he gets out but he never even told me he writes her, he told me he don’t have her address… So he obviously still lying to me and I just don’t know what to believe anymore…. And I do blame her bc she knew about us, yes we were having problems but it don’t excuse it… He even told her to have an abortion to save his marriage and gave her the money but she kept them anyway and I just feel like enough is enough… I can’t have kids on my own… Plus he’s in jail so I don’t know if he writing her or not, but I’m the one who does everything for him and go visit him…. But I think at this point, its behind working it out… I don’t trust him at all anymore and what’s a marriage or relationship with no trust…. It broke me down to a point where my self esteem lowered tremendously bck I felt that I did something wrong but he even told me it wasn’t nonething I did, it was all him and he sorry for hurting me but yet he still lying to me and talking to her behind my back…. Me and her not friends but we have mutual friends that told me she said he wrote her and say they gonna be together…. I basically ended it and wrote and told him if he wants her he can have her…. I finally built my self esteem back up to where I know I’m a beautiful woman and can have any man I want. I have alot going for myself at only the age of 25… I’m a damn good wife, so if he wants that homewrecker he can have her! I won’t have to worry bout if he lying or being truthful and I fully believe my life will be much better without him bck I love myself and deserve to be treated like a Queen… I deserve a real man as my husband, not a cheating lying Dog like the man I married! Sad but true…. I gave him my all but I vowed to myself now that no man will ever hurt me like that again, I now have an electric fence up surrounding my heart! And I fear the next man who even steps foot near my heart! That fence is PERMANENT!! AND I’M HAPPIER NOW THAN I EVER BEEN IN A LONG TIME!!!!!!

  58. Last year I got pregnant around may .Before we got married he was my boss..I didnt know that he has a girlfriend in another state.Then I confronted him about his deception he said I’m the one he loves so I’d forgive him..He said he’ll break up with her..so after a month Ive seen a text msg saved on his drafts saying Ilove you on a girl..I confrontyed him again asking if he break up or not with his gf he said he havent yet since the gf is suicidal..he ask for one last chance ..I gave him a chance and then I married him..our marriage was happy till i read some save conversations on his email like a sex talk it shocked and pained me coz I have gave him my all I made his things all ready his shirt shoes I even put toothpaste on his toothbrush massage him when stress.He said that the problem came in when where having sex and I cant come..I told him that its because I just gave birth and because of my responsibilities with our child I cant even concentrate since im the only one who takes care of our baby.he said that he cheated because it seems like he cant satisfy me ..I dont know if il forgive him or not..seeing him chatting to other women..

  59. I have a sister in law by marriage (I am married to her brother) and her husband (lets call him Ray) is cheating on her for the second time. The first time he did it their first child was a few months old. He is doing it again now their second child is the same age. I was suprised to see how you advise that a first cheater can really regret their actions and make a stronger marriage afterwards. But I am prepared to accept this can happen. However, what I do not understand is my sister in law has just written on a website “Eight years ago I married a man that I love dearly! I hope God gives me the opportunity to many more years with him! I love you Ray”. They are having a trial separation and as far as all are aware (perhaps apart from the wife) his affair continues. Do you think there is any hope? If not, how can the family help her to see sense and get rid of him?

  60. After 23 years of marriage, I gave my ex-husband his walking papers. Several years ago, I forgave him for cheating with his student assistant 2 months before we got married. Last year, July 2010, I caught him cheating again. This time with a married woman who is also the mother of 4 kids. My ex-husband and his mistress were both aware of each other’s marital status. Of course, I put the blame squarely on my ex-husband because he made a vow to me. However, his mistress must also pay for her part in his deception, after all “Karma is a —ch!”

    Now he when my ex-husband comes around to visit our 15 year old daughter, he’s looking all pitiful and lost. I told him if he’s looking for “comfort and joy”, he needs to contact his mistress because that’s her job now. They were only “playing house” when they were cheating, now they can actually set up housekeeping and experience the real daily grinds of building a life together. I’m predicting that the “Pixie Dust” will disappear from their relationship at the speed of light!

    I’m just happy to be free from him and his lying, deceptive ways. I finally have peace and contentment in my home. I no longer have to be concerned whether or not my middle-aged husband is keeping his vows. I am enjoying my new lease on life. Yee Haw!!!

  61. I believe that in some cases, forgiveness and reconciliation can be a good thing. People make mistakes. But after 8 years with my husband, and giving him chance after chance, I think it’s clear that he isn’t going to change.

    The information in this article is interesting, especially because it doesn’t match with any of the statistics I’ve seen elsewhere. Some people make mistakes, but someone who would make a selfish choice once is certainly more likely to do it again. Someone who hasn’t, probably has more self control and compassion for others.

    I do agree in part with Baytta, atleast that one should mostly focus on the husband and not the OW. For one thing, the OW might not be aware he is married. Other than that, if she did know, then one must focus on the fact that there are a lot of other selfish skanks out there who will be tricked into thinking the husband loves them, and so will justify playing a part in the deception played on the wife, so they can pursue their own personal feelings. If not this woman, there will be another right behind her. So focus on the husband as the common denominator.

    It’s important not to sleep with your husband if he cheats, unless you are sure he is done. And if he hasn’t stopped, you probably wont even know for awhile. The kinds of women who become the OW are of low self-esteem, validate themselves with sex, and can’t even wait long enough for a man to secure a divorce, so they are much higher risk for STDs. Your husband probably has been with many of them, because for every rat you see, theres a hundred you don’t

  62. As a wife whose husband cheated on her with the teachers aid at our daughters school. I m pretty much enraged at both of them.

    Yes I fully agree that my husband is an idiot and is responsible for his actions….. but honestly for a woman to know that he is a married man and still allow the contact to get to such a level…. I am sorry then she deserves to shoulder the blame too.
    What has the world come to if women can so freely sleep with married men and “cry boohoohoo he chased me” absolute rubbish.
    If there is one thing that I see coming thru from all my days on the net, with mags and self help books it is that married woman get to shoulder more and more responsibilities…… married men do the same yes but men wanna come home to a sex demon. Married woman on the other hand wanna come home to a welcoming smile, hug and be appreciated.
    What does this leave us all with?? In short we have all lost sight of the simple fact that…… NOBODY ESLE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BUT YOU!!!!!
    We are so caught up with our lives and look for external things to make us happy that we forget the fundamentals. Seriously….. listen to what we say to our selves…. if we have more money or some material posse ion then we will be happy…. when does it end.
    Happiness as they say is not a destination. I cannot expect my husband to make me feel good and then after I feel better about myself will I give to him. My husband will probably thru it back in my face and say the same.
    Then the blame game starts, with no end.
    In short we so easily forget our marriage vows because we become resentful that we are not being made to feel good by the other spouse and in walks someone else that makes us feel happy. The spouse who has been cheated on, is already feeling unhappy about themselves and is gutted by revelation of the betrayal.
    So why are we forgetting the fundaments…… we are looking for quick fixes.
    If we cannot invest time and effort in ourselves why should anyone else?
    I just feel we should takes our spouses off thoses pedestals that we have put them on …. as our primary source of happiness and stop beating ourselves up with how could he, why’s and if only I did.
    Start making yourself happy right now and gain your happiness back second by second.. and let the rest deal with itself

  63. Ladies….stop blamimg the other woman! It is pathetic! The blame falls only on your husband. He is your husband and he is the only one that owes you anything! Did you stop and think for one second that maybe it was YOUR husband who pursued her, manipulated her, made her believe she was the love of his life, made her believe their love was real and only that their “timing was off” to finally meet in life. Like I said….I have been on the other side, and these men manipulate ALL the women involved..wives and mistresses! They are selfish and will do whatever it takes to have their needs met. They are cowards and can’t handle the heat and consequences that come from their actions….especially if they were caught and EXPOSED. They can’t handle it. Of course this only applies to the husbands who have had blown out relationships with other women…not the husband that may have had too many one night, slipped up, and confesses to his wife. I’m talking about the man who lives a double life, who lies several times a day for months or even years to both these women to satisfy his selfish needs. Ladies, it takes a srong, secure, and independent woman to leave..,.not to stay in an abusive marriage. Just because you have chosen to leave the marraige, this does not mean you can’t still forgive husband and move on. This is especially true if their are childre involved, forgive your husband and don’t ever deny your children the right to have a relationship with their father. You need to forgive, accept that your husbands cheating is his problem not yours, and move on to a better life…and make sure he pay$ you well.

  64. My husband of 10 years moved out in January this year, saying he didn’t know what he wanted. Prior to this I had questioned him about his weird behaviour with the girls that lived next door. He told me I was being stupid. One night a txt message came in before he moved out and I read it. It was from her. Well of course I went over there and what resulted was not a good night. My husband moved out the next week. He continued to tell me through the whole time he was gone he wasnt sure what he wanted. I found futher txt messages in his phone between thema nd again went to this woman and confronted her and then my husband and finally they admitted it, and both of them told me there was no sex involved. After 12 weeks he wanted to reconcile and I thought we will give this a go and I was actually starting to feel good about this and my 3 children were so happy that dad and mum were happy. The slut moved out and got herself a new house. The this slut sends an email to me saying sorry for everything and a txt to him saying she is 10 weeks pregnant. (this txt also degraded me and she was trying to build herself up in it.) So they did sleep together, and I am facing a situation I never wanted to face. While I was happy to try again when no sex was involved, I am in a situation where for now I have to suck it up and smile each day because I have made this decision to forgive and forget, and I will not put my children through what they went through again.Not after a few weeks after he just came home!!! He has promised me it wont happen again and he is being very accountable to me.

    What made me even more angry was the fact this woman knew he was married and actually tried to befriend me and my children.

    I started the whole obsessing thing but you know what she has already taken so much from me I will not allow her to have anything else. He wants me! She was a skanky whore with not morals or ethics and I have told her this is a very detailed email. Everytime I think of her I pamper myself. The thoughts get further and further apart, and I am determined to ensure that a decision I have made today will not effect the rest of my life. I will be ok, and I know i will move on from this.

  65. My husband cheated on me.. and he has cheated on me atleast 3 times since i first caught him. the most recent being a couple months ago. I just found out yesterday. So i believe that if a man cheats once he is 51% sure he will cheat again. If your husband doesnt.. more power to him! I have given enough chances to my husband.. we even have a 3 yr old son together. This was his last chance. Good luck to all you women out there dealing with the same situation.

  66. Thanks everyone for your experiences and i am no different from all of you. My husband of 5 years cheated on me in 2010,our daugther at 4 years while on his work travel with his colleague. It hurt when i found out. He has left the other woman after i found out and he broke down and confronted he was wrong. He has no more connection with her any more and doesn’t want to be reminded about what he did. He has promised new begining in our marriage. I’ve seen changes in him and he want us to be together forever but i still hurt everyday when i think of what he did to me and still don’t trust him. We taking each day as it comes and his doing everything to make things work between us. God only know our destiney and God’s my only refuge. To the women who are the same boat be strong and trust your hearts. Joan

  67. Good point, Riza…but I do feel sorry for you, as well as your wife. You messed up big, that’s for sure. But you’re paying for it and paying for it. Isn’t there a point where enough is enough? Criminals go to jail, do their time, and hopefully come out and make a fresh new start.

    I don’t know if that’s possible for you and your wife. If my husband cheated, I don’t know if I could forgive him. But, I do feel sorry for men who cheat, because I don’t think it’s as easy as “Who cares, I’m cheating on my wife!” I think many men who cheat feel bad about it, and pay for it in many ways, for a long time.

    Regarding counseling or books that may help you repair your marriage: sometimes you have to put the cart before the horse. That it, maybe it’s good to start reading those books and going to counseling, with the goal of reconciliation. Even if you don’t get reconcile, you’ll learn about yourself. And that’ll help you in the future.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  68. Thanks Laurie – I dont believe I am the one you should be sorry for. That should be reserved for my wife. This is the one thing she did not deserve. To answer your question, No we not in any therapy together. I have tried to show her how sorry I truely am. Any therapy or books will only help if both of us are willing to reconcile.

  69. Jasmina and Traci ~ thank you for sharing how your husband’s cheating changed your lives for the better! I hope you don’t mind; I included some of your comments here, to help other women:

    How to Get Past Surviving an Affair to Thriving and Happy

    Dear Riza ~ My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t think time will make your wife hate you more…I think it’ll give her a chance to absorb the shock of being betrayed. Women don’t just bounce back from cheating husbands, they don’t just “forgive and forget.”

    Is your wife in counseling — are you in couples therapy? Are you reading books about healing after an affair? Maybe if you showed her your remorse and regret by actively pursuing forgiveness and growth, she’ll respond to you more positively.

    Cassie ~ I think I’d say “It’s her or me” to my husband, if he kept texting the woman he had the affair with. He’s still cheating on you — he wants the best of both worlds. I’d take the hard line, and make him choose.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  70. Believe me I feel the loss every single day when I have to see the hatred in her eyes and actions and when I have to see the anger, hurt and confusion in my kids eyes. I dont pretend to know how hurt she is. I can never fully understand that because I am not the one who was hurt. All I know is that I want nothing more than to save my marriage and be with my wife forever. Everyone says I should give her time and space but what would that achieve. She would only hate me more after all the time and space. I only wish I knew what to do.

  71. Riza-

    That is very sad. Truly a great loss.

  72. Cassie-

    It is one thing if he is sorry, truly repentant and a changed man. That he is still talking with this girl…FORGET IT!! There are a million help books on this topic and every one of them says if there is still contact…he is still in adultry. They will try and give every excuse but the reality is that the relationship has not been severed and your heart and life is still in danger. You must remove yourself from that kind of sickness. Sick and selfish is what it is.

  73. I have been reading many of your posts and I have to say it saddans me deeply that this can never be healed. I cheated on my beautiful wife although there was never any physical contact. I dont have an answer as to why I did it but I regret it every single day of my life. My wife wants nothing more to do with me as cheating is cheating. She always told me that I should rather let her go if I decided that I am no longer in love with her. The problem is that I am, even more so. I dont know how to change her mind and make her believe that she is the only woman for me. It is not true that once you have cheated you will always cheat. Given half a chance I would cherish every moment with her, treat her like the queen she is to me, be there for her always and hold onto her for dear life. I am so sorry for not respecting and valuing and loving her at those times and I definately would never dream of doing something like that again.

  74. I recently found out my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker. He has stopped seeing her (and I believe him when he says this) but he still texts her up to 30 times a day insisting that he still wants to be friends with her and loves her but wants to stay with me. I have tried to explain how devastating it is that he remains friends with her but he views her as a despondant person (she had checked into a mental facility after the affair and is now on meds, has frequently become homeless, and is a terrible role model for her 12 year old daughter). Even having the affair was so out of character for my husband that sometimes it’s hard to believe it even happened. He is normally so caring and kind. I understand his need to help her but he doesn’t understand the consequences of WHO it is. How do I convince him?

  75. Steve,

    You committed yourself to your wife in the beginning…you know, the “true love of your life” at the time! The danger for every person in an affair is the grass looks greener on the other side until you get there and go…oh maybe this wasnt such a good idea! You will not know if this “mistress” is your “true love of your life” until you put in the same time, pressures of life, finances, children etc! You may be BEGGING to have the “true love of your life…your wife” back after experienceing reality with Miss Cheater.

  76. Steve-

    By far the CHEATING is worse! And don’t be fooled…at some point, the wife will find out…they almost always do. If you are a cheating partner and wondering what you should do- trust me- there is NO GREATER PAIN than finding out your honey has cheated on you. Death would have been far easier. The answer is also not to just stay in a marriage that is dead. The answer is to do everything in your power to fix what needs fixing in your relationship. Remember why you married in the first place… you loved this person and didn’t want to live without them….so you got “married”! You “can” get back to that state if you fix the things that are in the way. It is possible to “rekindle” the love you had. You can’t live by how do I feel today. Feelings! They are like the wind, they can change by the minute. We all need to live by that word that has been snuffed out of this society….man or woman of….”CHARACTER”! After you die, how do you want to look back over the person you were on this earth? IT MATTERS!! It really does!!

  77. Carol – young has nothing to do with it. That is how I felt initailly added to which my husband told me that she was beautiful with an Angelina Jolie smile and no man could resist – he even said if I saw her I wouldnlt blame him. He told me he could get both his hands round her waist she was so slim!! Really helped as I am sure you can imagine. I also imagined that she was big boobed something that I know would dent my self esteem. However I then saw pictures of her and whilst she was not ugly – she was certainly not beautiful either – she was just ordinary – did have nice teeth – was slim but not like he had described but bizarrely for all her young age she had the most amazing crows feet ever, Her boobs were bigger than mine – I know that sounds shallow but we all have hangups. But she certainly wasn’t irrestible.
    I questioned everything about myself and my self esteem was at an all toime low. I felt old and ugly and past my sell by date. Then I got chatted up. In a bid to cope I started to go out and made myself do things on my own or with my children taht I would not ordinarily have done. I travelled, went for days out and embraced anything and everything. I was chatted up constantly and I realised all my good points that other people found attractive. Not everyone wants younger. I had compliments about my eyes, my long legs, my slim figure but what mattered more to me was the compliments that I got about my company, my wit, my personality etc I found that people (men) really enjoyed my copmpany in a way that they had when I was younger. It made me realise that being married I had lost some of my spark. My husbands affair allowed me to find myself again and whilst I had a massive deterioration in my self esteem initially, what has happened sice has been a massive boost. My husband justified his affair by saying that she was irrestible – what rubbish – he had an affair becuase he thought he could have his cake and eat it. Just don’t let your husband bring you down. You will have qualities all of your own that are desirable to many.

  78. My husband went to work away and we both rediscovered our relationship like we had when we first met. We had an amazing time. In his new job he was made to feel like he was the best and it spilled over into his personal life where he started to believe that he was an irrestible hunk. Surrounded by transient friends who incidentally appeared to have all lost their relationships, entered the transient world of internationsl travel desperate to strike up a new relationship. My husband had a 5 month affair with a woman 26 years his junior. The only other person he had had sex with apart from me. They never went anywhere – just met at his flat. She thought he was separated and only ten years older than herself. When he returned home to see me she had no idea and was cross when he didn’t get in touch. When I found out my world fell apart but believing that he had made a mistake, that feelings took over, that it would never happen again and that it was me who he loved I tried to put it behind me quickly. What a fool. He just thought he had got away with it and contacted her again. She was quite clearly not interested. He had lied to everyone and she did not like his lies anymore than me. When he went away again he tried to strike up relations with others. He didn’t have any success but he was quite obviously trying to have his cake and eat it. Not strong enough to leave at the time, financially dependent and concerned for the kids I stayed put. In the last two years since I found out I have had 10 delicious liaisons. Some one night stands, some that lasted for a few weeks and one that has lasted for over a year. My husband will be devastated when he finds out – for one day when I am able to leave I will tell him the truth. I donlt feel guilty, I did my best to move forward but anyone who think that affairs make you stronger they don’t. They are destructive, cruel and if you forgive then there is no reason not to do it again becuase they just believ that you will forgive them again or that they are better at covering their tracks.

  79. if a man/wife cheats they simply are not in love with who they are with. PERIOD! they may love the spouse, but not fully respect, admire, trust, and share intimacy with.
    my question is …. what about when long term cheating happens with a former love ,the true love of your life, and the “injured” spouse never finds out?
    which is worse, the cheating and not telling or staying married? while the “injured” spouse has NO IDEA it has even occured.

  80. Baytta,

    I don’t know if it can be that cut and dry? What if there is a true repentance? What if your husband or wife truly has realized and believes the horrible mistake he/she made? What if you really did have a good marriage but your spouce made a very wrong turn? In my case I know the girl is out of the picture. My husband cries every day for me to come back. I get txt after txt full of his grief and regret. This is a year later. He is hoping I will come back. Do you throw away a 20 year marriage? Certainly if your husband is still seeing someone or if he is arrogeant etc you divorce no question but what do you do with a person you love that fell that truly seems to have regretted everything? It is a very hard decision. I am right in the middle and am finding it very hard to make a decsion because we did have a good thing together and much of the things I love to do I learned from him. Much of what I accomplished was due to his cheering me on, love and support. Yet, going back afer such deciet equally does not seem possible for me to do after thinking of him in another womans arms! I am finding myself 100% torn in 2. It has been a year and I have not been able to make a decision!

  81. I have been with my husband for over 18 years, since we were teenagers. We have two wonderful kids together and although we had our ups and downs when we were younger, we always grew back together. Our biggest issues were by far-with other women even way back then. Around the fall of 2009, he changed dramaticly and I found pictures of another woman who had written how much she wanted to “wake up with him every day and have him inside her” and on and on. He lied his way through it, blaming it on another cheater friend of his and I believed it. He even asked me to have another baby with him a few weeks later. Long story short, his best friend came to me in April of 2009 to tell me he had been having an affair. I was devastated beyond words. I tried so hard to please him and he just treated me like complete crap. Since then I found two cell phones filled with pictures and videos of them together and am now in therapy trying to deal with the devastation this has caused to me emotionally and even physically, (I used to never get sick and have now had two major illnesses since this started). I have been amazed by the people who have supported me from his best friend (who is also his co-worker), to his own family. The biggest part of this that has been so hard for me to get past is the lack of remorse he has. There were several times when he would break down, but then he would immediately turn back into the mean jerk he has become with her. I know I am better off without him and have been seeing several lawyers trying to get the process started. I just want to know if any of you out there really think they are ever truly sorry, and if you ever really get past this. This has consumed me for so long and I am sad and tired and just want to know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

  82. I found my husband was cheating over a period of about 6 months by reading the “inbox” on his iphone. I never pick up his cell phone, but for some reason on this night, I did. My husband is a divorce lawyer. He knew the woman he had the affair with for several years before starting the affair and became quite smitten with her. She’s 10 years younger than I am. This is the second marriage for both of us. Ironically, he ended his first marriage the same way–by having an affair with a (another irony) marriage counselor in town. He claims he want to save the marriage, but I suspect he doesn’t want to lose the money that could accompany a divorce settlement. He did save her voice mails, too, so I got to hear her voice calling him “sweetie.” It’s just so smarmy to write about this, I can barely do it. My heart goes out to all women who are cheated on! Men who cheat are fools! They chase the fantasy, and once the fantasy subsides, they’re left alone. I think I intent to file. I have a lawyer now. My heart is broken a million ways. And I am no longer young. Or couse, women will be lined up for John since he’s a “rich” lawyet. Any opinions or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Carol

  83. My husband has been cheating onme for a couple of months we have been married for 3 years together for 5 years he has always been mean to me! he went to a rock concert and met this woman i felt that something was wrong so i went into his facebook and seen all these emails from her saying how much they care about each other and allt his other crap,. i talked to him about it and he said theyare just friends he didnt mean ne thing he said, so i belived him and i started trusting him again but then i seen more saying taht they love each other and they had sex it hurt so bad and i tryed talking to him again about it and he said he dnt care about her like that and he never cheated on me well i dnt belive him and i want to leave him cus im tired of being hurt, he is so nice to her to and he is so mean to me, he wont even go anywhere with me we dnt even go on dates or nuthen he makes me feel like crap , I am so hurt right now i havent cryed in a few days and i just started feeling down again..

  84. In response to Sad, you wrote ” you could not possibly hear a stronger voice than mine saying if that ever happened to me… the bags would be packed so fast!” The reason why you said that is because this is your voice of reason. You were clear of mind and heart at that time you said those words. Pain and hurt cloud our judgement. My friend also said “I would never cheat on my husband” when she was clear of mind and heart. This voice that we have chosen to ignore is called the voice of reason, and that is why we end up making fatal decisions when we choose to ignore our inner voice. Don’t make excuses of why your husband did what he did-he needs to deal with that and come clean with God. You need to heal yourself and come to terms with your husbands betrayal, and move forward. Your inner voice has already told you what you need to do, you’re judgment has been poisoned with grief. When a man is caught in an affair, the mistress wants him to choose her and the wife wants him to return. They get caught up in the power struggle and drama. Who will win this prize of a man! Ask yourselves, what am I fighting for? A lying, cheating, and deceitful man who in REALITY has no respect or love for his wife or mistress…he cheated on the two of you to serve himself. Let’s wake up ladies!! I am sure you will come to the right decision. Take time to clear yourself, heal yourself, make yourself strong enough to make the decision to return to your husband.

  85. I don’t have any answers for you, but I’m so glad you’re here! I wish I could say the right things, but there aren’t any right answers.

    You’re not alone, my friends. One of the best ways to survive a betrayal like a cheating husband is to talk to women who have been there, done that. Surround yourself with survivors, who can help you heal and grow.

    I wrote another article about cheating husbands…

    How Do You Forgive Your Husband After an Affair?

  86. My husband cheated on me for like 5 years with prostitutes then told me because he thought he had a disease . I left for a Month and came back because I was 26 with 4 kids by him . And had no where to go. Now two years later I some how got pregnant again and he’s been watching porn like crazy. I’m scared he’s doing it again. And when I came back last time he kissed my ass for a year then it died down and every thing went back the same can’t have friends can’t have a job just traded I wanna leave but have no place to go . Now ill be 28 with 5 kids any advice minus what he does to me he’s the best father any kid could ask for.

  87. Correct Michelle. It is one thing when a spouce falls, makes a big mistake and truly is sorry. It is another thing for someone to live a life that drags your mind,body and soul through such horrificly sad, painful torture. He may as well been stabbing you with a knife in the heart while saying, I love you honey, really I do.

    That is not love. I don’t know what his definition of love is but you don’t need that kind.

  88. I as well do not believe this statement to be true.. My husband and I were young with a son when we married 10 months after our marriage he confessed to sleeping with a woman and was unable to pick one so I made him leave, six months later he was back begging me to take him back, I did.. what a mistake! I beleive he slept with a prior boss of mine and I have caught him talkin, texting, and seeing girls at bars.. we sought therapy and after 9 yrs together a yr ago I hear the line again I slept with someone, he left and started begging.. I loved him and believed his words that I am truely the one so a few wks ago I spent the night where he has been living and his girl friend called I answered she came over and we confronted him. Like a child he hide in a pillow and pretended we were not there for an hour… That night I looked through his phone and she was only one of five girls he was texting I love you to… so need less to say I have a lawyer so I get can out of the mess he has made of our lives… I do not believe a person who says they love you can hurt you this way over and over to me that is not love….

  89. Wow 2001 was when my world came crashing down around me. There hasn’t been a day yet my mind hasn’t thought about it my heart still in a million pieces but I love him. The worst thing was my kids 3and4 at the time. My 4year old still has issues he doesn’t realize where they come from but having someone who is suppose to love them thier father and a slut who has no right to change my dear baby. I could of killed her for that. As for my husband my heart is still in a million pieces and I trust no one and his family was in on it and told him to lie and not tell me so I lost alot of people I thought l thought loved me. It’s a hard road I will tell you that and changes you and all your relationships around you. Silly I know but I always thought if have the kind of live you read in romance novels. It was the only thing I ever really wanted growing up funny huh?

  90. June-

    Im so sorry you have to face this. It is so unfair for everyone in this situation. The woman is EVIL! One day she will be accountable to God for all the hurt she caused. One day your husband will also have to stand before God knowing all the hurt he caused. I wish people would think eternally rather than just the few years here on earth. I can’t suggest enough to you and everyone in this situation- before you have sex with your husband that he be checked for STD.

    To stay together for the kids is not the answer. Kids need to have healthy parents living together so it will take good counseling, and a lot of work. Your husband needs to be transparent in everything he does, everywhere he goes. If you need phone logs he should be able to provide them. If you need confirmation of whose house he is going to visit you should be able to call the house if you need. If your husbanad is not willing to do whatever it takes to help you heal and restore the trust he has broken…boot his butt out asap! I hope he realizes you may need him to prove himself the rest of your lives together and if he is truly sorry…he should not have a problem doing that.

    Remember as mentioned above- you may have discussed a million whys but NONE of them are excuse for an affair. NONE! Yes we all have things we need to change, that is what counselors are for to help you both get what you need.

  91. Hi everyone, im 31 years old and i have 3 cute boys, my husband cheated on too last year. They stayed for 3 months together until one day i knew it. We talked, asked lots of whys…but in the end my husband choose me and our children over the mistress..but until now the other cant accept the fact that its over to both of them actually she uses my husband real name in her facebook account and shes keep on posting their pictures together kissing its other out of town getaway swimming partying together and even their joyride..my husband never treat me the way he treated his mistress.. It hurt so much but he asked for forgiveness, I forgive him but i dont think I can forget..I really dont know if im doing the rigth dicision? For my chidren maybe yes but for myself its a torture….

  92. Kate-

    Until you come to a conclusion/decision of what you will do with your marriage…practice safe sex w/your husband!

  93. Myra-

    Hope this helps. In deciding to stay with your husband I am assuming you have agreed to forgive your spouce for failing you in a most devistating way. Unfortunately we are not like God…we can forgive but we don’t have that wonderful ability to forget the sins too. To help you- a few thoughts…

    * When those thoughts come, remind yourself again and again that you have forgiven him for what he did and tell yourself a million times if you have to that you need to let it go because you forgave him.

    * Get help from other woman who were in the same situation. They have help groups or get counseling to help get out and heal those feelings. Visit the website bebroken.com there are several helpful materials for wives who have had husbands that not only cheated but were diagnosed sex addicts. They are helpful in sharing their stories, pain and what helped them.

    * You MUST feed your mind good things! If you don’t grow and feed your mind new good things your mind can only repeat the past like a record playing over and over. (read books, take an art class, play sports, take up running, biking, take your child out for walks…healthy things to refocus and grow your mind!

    * Ask your husband to join you in learning about what makes a healthy marriage whether it be through books, conferences, counceling. Have him also look at bebroken.com so he can learn from these other men that are overcoming sexual strongholds that every man unfortunately has to face in this crazy society.

    * As soon as you find your mind thinking about the hurt you MUST refocus your attention to something current! Guard your mind everytime those thoughts try to creep in. Don’t let it get a strong hold on your mind and heart or it can ruin your day/week/year!

    * Tell yourself everyday- you will not become a person that is afraid to love fully again! You will not allow walls to be build that will change the loving person you were! When those thoughts come that say…yeah but what if it happens again…tell yourself if something happens you will deal with it at that time and wont waste time driving yourself crazy with the what ifs!

    * When the thought of his whereabouts enters your mind, tell yourself if he should give you any reason or red flags to wonder… you will absolutely address whatever may come your way but until then you’re going to live your life.

    * I cant suggest enough to learn about God and how much He loves you. Read the New Testiment starting in Matthew. It will change your entire life,bring healing, wholeness,peace regardless of circumstances and will help you see your husband through God’s eyes. That gives us strength to love more than we ever could, have grace that we just could not have on our own. (disclaimer- not hinting at all that being a Christian means you must stay with a cheating spouce- God allows divorce in such situations but like writer Paula says…it is better if you are able to work it out)

    * Listening to worship music always refocuses and greatly strengthens the heart, mind and body. You could be having the worst day and after listening to worship music your whole mood has changed. Try KLOVE radio station (107.5 FM I think).

  94. In response to Baytta, you could not possibly hear a stronger voice than mine saying if that ever happened to me… the bags would be packed so fast! But then it did happen to me and you end up having to look at the entire picture, the entire ? years, the whole man and not just the time he failed. I write these words only to those who have husbands/wives who have fallen for the biggest trick in the book (grass is greener on the other side until you get there) and realize what a huge mistake they made and have truly/honestly repented.

    My husband was a “good man”. We had 20 years of an exciting life together. He happened to go through a crisis in his life where he lost his job and got into a job he could not handle. He fell apart from the stress and started to question everything about himself. During this time one prowling whore met him on facebook and unfortunately he fell. So in looking at the whole picture, do you throw out what was a good marriage?
    The answer is….each person that suffers this horrendously painful loss must look at the entire picture and must come to their own conclusion of what is best for their life….not whats best for the cheating spouce, the families, nor the children…but what is best for the individual who suffered the affair.
    Each person has their own definition of limitations of pain they can or are willing to endure. Some are stronger in that area, some are weaker, some its not even a consideration. It is EXTREMELY important that NO-ONE influences that decision. Even if it takes a year to come to a conclusion- the decision must come from within your own heart that took the time to analyze every ounce of the situation. Wait patiently for the right answer. If you divorce…divorce for the right reason! If you stay together…stay together for the right reason. Example…

    For me I forgave my husband instantly which is important. Everyone MUST forgive. Forgiveness is the first step towards your healing. The longer you wait to forgive the longer you hurt. I forgave right away. For me, if I divorce it will not be because of the affair itself….it will be more along the lines of..I am afraid of the person I might become if I stay. I don’t want to be someones mother, I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder the rest of my life, I don’t want to live in fear that it might happen again, I don’t want to worry about getting older, I don’t want to have to wonder whats going through his mind every time he sees a pretty woman, I don’t want to feel the pain everytime we make love seeing him hold and love another! Talk about painful!

    When you have someone that is truly sorry…you are damned if you stay and damned if you leave. If you stay you have to face all those horrible thoughts above. If you leave you feel like you left your best friend and did not own up to your end of “for better or worse, in sickness or in health, till death do us part”. I do consider people who have affairs to have a sickness of the mind. For me I feel as if I am leaving my husband in a state of sickness and that hurts. It is a VERY VERY hard decision to make. My heart and prayers go out to all those in this type situation. I have not come to my own conclusion yet but I am CERTAIN of this… if you pray and ask God to lead you to the right answer He will and you will know in your heart when the decision is right. I know the Bible says I am free to go in a situation like this, and I also know it says it is better if you can work it out because God knows how painful divorce is for years and years to come. I will trust God to lead me and I pray you who are facing this same thing also will ask and count on God to lead you.

  95. Taking blame for your partners affair is basically saying to him/her… “when I don’t measure up to where you think I should be, it’s acceptable to have an affair. Wrong! Cheaters (men and women)- don’t you dare blame your spouce! Get counseling to help it change or divorce first! Don’t do that to the one person you are supposed to love and protect in this world.

  96. There is NO excuse what-so-ever for any spouce to cheat! If there are marital issues… get counseling. If you just are not compatible… the husband/wife should have the decentcy to divorce before starting up another relationship. NO-ONE has the right to completely devistate another life not only mentally and spiritually but physically (we’ve all heard of AIDS and all the STDs). We all have things that need to change in our lives and in our marriages. For the one taking blame for “her part”, No… there is NO excuse for the affair! If your husband had issues with you he should have been man enough to be honest about the things. If he was and you didnt listen, he should have been man enough to take you to counseling, if still no change he should have been man enough to divorce before hooking up w another that could have brought you diseases!

  97. I was able to get a very interesting perspective on a long term affair, not many people get a chance to see, as the other woman in this case is a dear friend of mine for over 20 years, and the married couple are also “friends” of mine. This man was after her for a long time – and in my opinion, he finally broke her. She was in therapy for months, never once contacted the man or his wife after the wife caught the affair, and I was there “picking up the pieces”. I saw his e-mails, the texts, I heard all about the promises (wedding, house etc.) this man made to my friend…SCARY! And even worse, 3 months after the affair was discovered by his wife, even after his poor wife endured the most painful time in her life, I saw this man flirting up a storm with other mutual friends, married women of course…including me. Also, he told his lover that every moment he spent with her was real, he thinks about her everyday and said he will find her again, and that he was only staying with his wife because she has threatened him with his children, finances etc. He also said to her he will never let her go…puke. At the same time, he’s telling (begging) his wife, it meant nothing and he loves her and wants the family to remain together. How can this man do that… say those things??? That’s love??? Please don’t believe that these men “didn’t know what they were doing”, they sure do, and they do it well! They do not live out a “fantasy world” with these other women, they have serious relationships with them. They have fights, they confide in one another on a deep level, and they are connected. As far as I can see, this man has no respect or love for any of these women he destroyed. He just doesn’t deserve his wife. That is why, if his wife only knew the truth about him…I doubt she would give him another chance. These wives need to have a solid support system in order to gather strength and be strong enough to leave these cheaters. They need to love themselves enough to make the change. Let’s face it, if a woman doesn’t love and respect herself enough to do it for herself, no one else will. I believe these men have figured women out, how they “work” so-to speak, and use this to their advantage. My friend who had the affair is married with children as well, and has been in an abusive marriage for over 10 years, and for the same reason why women stay with their cheating husbands, she chose to stay married to her husband. I guess the lesson here is to all women-just LEAVE if you are being abused!!! Infidelity, is too a form of ABUSE, and society I think, does not acknowledge this enough!! If I said that my husband beat me black and blue, and tortured me for days, and put me through the worst amount of pain one could imagine, most people would advise me to leave immediately, as if he beated me once, he will do it again. And of course for my husband to seek professional help, for he has obvious deep-seeded issues he needs to resolve. Why is it that if a man has had a full blown out affair, the “normal” call to action, in this case would be for the married “couple” to go to marriage counselling together and try to work it out? Am I missing something here? Did the wife have a role in his behaviour? What does she need to sort out with him? The only sorting out she needs in my opinion, is that with her own therapist of her own emotional scars she needs to deal with, and live with for the rest of her life caused by this man’s abuse, and some financial & legal advice wouldn’t hurt. Why does the wife attend counselling with her abusive husband? Why does society say to try and work it out?? Is infidelity not a form of abuse as well? Shouldn’t a woman leave if she is being abused? Why would she stay…to see if it happens again? I do not understand why society does not acknowledge that ifidelity is too a brutal form of abuse. Should we not be empowering these women to love themselves enough to leave an abusive situation? I would love to have my moment with this jerk’s wife and tell her everything I know, but I know nothing will come out of it, she has chosen to believe in him and has put her blinders on. He obviously has learned absolutely NOTHING, and I am sure he will do it again, it will be just a matter of time.I’m hoping that maybe my perspective will somehow help these women see truth in these men they married, and that they deserve better.

  98. This is brilliant! The cure for cheating is – cheating?! Are cigarettes the cure to nicotine addiction, too?
    I do NOT believe that cheating makes marriages stronger. It is, for good reasons, counterintuitive to think so. Why wouldn’t marriage counselors advise people to cheat on each other to make marriages stronger? It sounds absurd. That’s because it is. I am sorry to read all the comments that say “I was partially to blame for the affair.” Think hard about what that means. You cannot make any person do anything. The only right someone has is to leave. But I can see how it would be more convenient to eat your cake and have it, too (for the cheater, not the to innocent party.)
    It isn’t possible for people to love someone and beat them. It isn’t possible for someone to love someone and abuse them. By the same token, cheating and love don’t go hand in hand(and whatever single case presents an outlying proof to the contrary, it’s generally not the norm).
    Usually I read comments about how twenty years ago, a spouse had an affair. This affair still hurts the innocent party after all these years. Boy, I do not want to imagine still begrudging my significant other anything so much that I’d still have flashbacks of it two decades ago.
    This article makes it sound as though cheating were a singular act, an act like blinking an eye. But cheating is a whole process(and then some affairs last weeks, months, years): The person who cheated got undressed, said things to their lover, did the most intimate acts with them. They didn’t give a rap about their spouse, whatever they say after they’ve been found out.
    What the author of the book is apparently saying is that the innocent party would be at a great loss for losing someone who cheated. This is ridiculous. It is crippling, in fact. The “You-won’t-get-anybody-else”-mentality is the only thing that keeps marriages going after an affair. Perpetuating this fear won’t make people’s relationships healthier: Such fears will make nightmare relationships where the cheater has the upper hand. If relationships can overcome such a painful thing as cheating (the act of walking out on you but lying about it like you’re not even worth the years of your own life you’re losing), then why does anybody break up? If cheating can be overcome, yes, even sold as a healthy relationship development, then what are we doing being faithful in the first place?
    What the author is really saying is that he is selling a cure for infidelity. Nobody can give you that promise. When someone cheats on you, the person has moved on. It is much more painful to think of a cheating person as a confused or mistaken spouse, than as someone who wasn’t mature enough to say that they wanted out.
    Someone who loves you won’t cheat on you. If they do cheat, they’ve either moved on, or they don’t share your values. If it were otherwise, love wouldn’t be worth it.

  99. Here is the hard truth….He has cheated on you, and you have just discovered your husband has had a long term relationship with someone else. You have children, you are devastated, and your primary response is to keep him. Ladies, think long and hard before you decide to give this man another chance. You will never know the real truth about this man, only what he has told you, and you have convinced yourself to believe the fabricated story you have created in your head about their relationship. This is not real. The truth is in most long-term affairs, very deep feelings develop for the two people involved. …and sometimes love. If he has convinced you he wants to work it out, that is only because of financial ties, children, and family pressure-not because he loves you. He will always think of the other woman and hope they will have a chance to be together again in the future. You and him had a fair chance to be together, you were able to date freely, go on vacations, spend time togther openly, unlike the other woman he fell in love with, and the bottom line is that he strayed from you for a reason he will only know. Does he love you? Did he ever love you? Has he fallen out of love with you? He will never regret what he did, although he will tell you that he does. The truth of the matter is, the days he spent with this other woman were probably the best days of his life, so much so that he risked everything to be with her. He will always think of her and secretly desire her. He will never respect you the same way, because he fooled you, once again, into staying married. It will only be a matter of time until he will do it again. Unlike what society likes to believe, (she`s a sleeze, he is scum etc.) usually long-term affairs genuinely happen to good people who have become vulnerable, who have stayed in their marriages for the “childrens sake”, and simply feel trapped, or are very unhappy and have fallen out-of-love with their partners. You need to ask yourself, do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that stayed married to me for all the wrong reasons? Give yourself time before you decide you want to give this man another chance. If you at least allow yourself some time before holding on to him as if he were the only man left on earth, he and everyone else will at least respect you…you will develop some self-respect, and self-worth. Does he really deserve a second chance? If only you were able to see him in action with this other woman, and more importantly, be able to witness the emotional involvement he had with someone else, I can guarantee you that any woman, sane in mind, would NEVER give him a second chance.

  100. My husband cheated 2 times and last month was the 3rd. Each time he had long drawn out affairs and each time he said he’d stop weeing the other woman but I would catch him in lies and he would continue the affairs. The relationship begun when he was in collge and he thought it was ‘cool’ to sleep around; when I got pregnant we married and he played house for a while but started his disappearing acts again. He believes he is quite the catch. We have 2 young children and both have great careers. He blames me for cheating because he says I don’t ‘try’ to satisfy him. Issue with me is that when the bedroom was passionate he still cheated. What is the point sex disgusts me. I should have divorced him with the first adultery now I am on my third with baggage and I don’t mean children they are great. Don’t deal with a cheating deceitful husband he will do it again and just be better at hiding it. Good luck.

  101. Leave the cheater or deal with it I say.

  102. I can relate to this article very much, my boyfriend of thirteen years four children later cheated on me plenty of times. I never left him giving him the opportunity to change. Wishing that he will learn from his mistake over and over again, but he never did until I decided to leave him four children later and thirteen years of waiting. Once a man cheats he will always cheat. Especially once you forgive him the first time. Trust me he will only try to get better at cheating. I know from experience. I never married him not because of the cheating but because he just could not get himself togther. That was the best decision I ever made in my life. I didn’t know how to go about telling him “I Don’t Want To Be With You Anymore”. Not only was he a cheater but he was a munipulator, liar and abusive. So can you imagine how can you leave a person that has that type of attitude and character, but I did. I left him even though I have to raise the children on my own it’s better to struggle by yourself then to be with a cheating man. Think about it you will always be thinking is he cheating on me when he is not with me. Looking through his phone, internet etc. That is too much work to put yourself through leave the cheater whether your married or not he will never chamge. Trust me I know from experience.

  103. I don’t agree with this article. Atleast for my case. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 7 almost 8 years. I found out this past Monday that he has been having an affair with the same girl for the past 6 years. I caught him many times by checking the cell phone bill but he always said they were friends.On a couple occassions I spoke with the other woman and she even swore they never had sex. The two met in his EMT class. Well the other girl shows up at my house this week and tells me they have been having sex and it’s been going on for the past 6 years(off and on). I threatened him to leave everytime I found out he was talking to her again. I mean I had 2 other kids during this time and he was sleeping with her while I was pregnant. I have nowhere to go. I lost my job, and I am trying to finish school. I don’t have money to leave. He is begging me to stay, and to go to counseling with him, and also go to church. I know he was molested as a young boy but should I forgive him and move on because he has sex issues. Because he ignored the issue and never seeked treatment I should be ok with what he did to me. I sat him down so many times and was nice as I could be and asked him to tell me the truth and he never did. Lied to my face for years. There were times he was sleeping with her during the week and going to church with the family on Sunday. I don’t know what to do. I am so hurt, scared, sad, angry and just alone now. I have three beautiful kids with him and I hate to think how much this will hurt them. I can’t believe I was a fool and let him do this to me time after time.

  104. My husband is a compulsive liar and an addict who is trying to change, but I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to trust him again. If my husband we not either of those, I could say that I would be staying with him. I do believe that in most situations, men won’t cheat again once they’ve been caught. But…I’ve been through 3 affairs in a 4 year marriage. I’m not sure what I will do, but I will never trust my husband again. We have a post-nuptial agreement so if he ever cheats again, I’ll be prepared and our kids will be taken care of while I get on my feet. And I agree with one of the other posters. The whole,” affairs make marriages stronger” is bull. Only in some where the cheater wants to change forever. Most people want to be accepted as they are and won’t change. They don’t believe they can or need to. Divorce is acceptable for a reason.

  105. My husband cheated on me eight months ago- I found out after the fact (thanks to a $400 phone bill!). The woman was only in town briefly, and they have had no further contact. We are in marriage counseling, trying to work through it., At this point I think that he is far more interested in continuing our relationship than I am. I disagree that cheating makes a marriage stronger, and I am sick and tired of hearing that horrible phrase, as though it excuses someone from such a horrid and betraying act. Our marriage is not stronger- but I am. I know what I have to do, and am now just biding my time until graduation. Once I have a job and steady income, I am taking our two young boys and moving out. I do love my husband- and believe I always will- but I cannot live my life with someone who could devastate me like that.

  106. I lost my beautiful 24 year old son in Feb 08. My husband was wonderful. Then in Dec 09 I lost my dear sweet mother. 6 months later my husband walked out on me for reasons that I did not, and do not, understand. He says that he thought I didn’t love him. We separated for 6 months and have recently started to talk about reconciliation. But I now know that he slept with another woman just weeks after leaving me. My life in the last few years has been one of profound grief and loss and now I have this on top of it all. I do not know if I am strong enough to deal with knowing that he did to some other woman what he used to do with me. He does my head in. I truly do not know what to do .. I keep thinking what sort of man leaves his wife in these most extraordinary and sad circumstances. To stay or go .. that is the question. Help!

  107. My husband and I have been married for almost three months. About two weeks ago he admitted to having an affair with one of my bridesmaids. She came on to him when they were working together (They are in similar fields.) She and I also work together, as she has two jobs.

    I’m not angry with my husband, but there are times I am irrationally angry at the woman. She has known both of us for almost ten years. I trusted her with my love, trust, friendship and my husband’s time and she threw it all back in my face with a knife to my heart.

    I feel like I can no longer call myself a Mrs. because no one believed that he was really unavailable; including our closest friends. It didn’t matter to her that she witnessed him sign the marriage license with me by his side. I feel worthless, and ugly, and unloved.

    I promised my husband I would stay with him, and he trying everything he can to make us work, but I’m starting to ask myself if I want this to work anymore. He refuses to talk to the Pastor that I asked him to talk to with me, and he won’t let me talk to anybody about it; he suggested someone that I don’t want to talk to, so I’m alone. I have nothing.

  108. My husband of five years, cheated on me about 3 months ago, and I realized it about a month ago that he had an affair. Since then I’m lost and totally given up on my life. He, on the other hand, has become more attentive to our marriage. What kills me is that why this should have happened to us to make him realise that life can be good if you want it to be good…I’m the same person, so why now he is changed…why he gave up on us???? and so many other whys in my head…

  109. Hey traci, i am so happy for you….i have a similar story to share.I had been dating by husband from the age of 15.And after a courtship of about 6 years,we got married, i was 21 then.After 4 yrs of marriage we were blessed with a beautiful daughter.Everything seemed so perfect,but it didn’t last for long,i caught my husband cheating on me when my daughter was around 3.I was shattered,couln’t believe a person whom i loved and trusted so much could do this to me,probably i started taking everything for granted and didn’t notice the signs of my husband cheating on me.Anyways with not much of financial backing and the stress of bringing up a daughter on my own forced me to stay in the marriage.Nevertheless i took up a job and am financially independent now and very much in the marriage.I cannot say it’s a perfect marriage,but we are trying our best……he says he is not cheating on me anymore but I think of the affair almost every day,it hurts….and though i try not to, i keep doubting about his whereabouts.Can anyone help me with their suggestions to get over these feelings because i still love him somewhere,after all i’ve known him for good 19 yrs and i would definitely want to add that he is a wonderful human being except for the part that he cheated on me….which is the worst a man can do to a woman.

  110. Wow, Traci, thanks for sharing your experience with us! I’m so glad your husband’s affair turned out to be so helpful for your marriage…and I will make sure to share your experience with my readers. It’s great to hear about the “upside of cheating” :-)

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  111. My husband had an affair almost 10 years ago now and it was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage. I was forced to take a good hard look at MY behavior in the marriage and I came to realize that I was partly to blame for his affair. I had become emotionally unavailable to him and when something good or bad happened in my life, I called my friends instead of my husband. I had stopped allowing him to love me and to support me and he felt as if I no longer needed him. As a musician on the road with his band, it became to much temptation for him when a girl he met on road became interested in him and was more than available for him emotionally and physically. Once I really started to examine my behavior, I realized that I had as much work to do as he did. My husband cut all ties with his other woman and became committed to working on our marriage to save it. Today, we have a beautiful son, another on the way in a couple weeks, we own our home, and have a fuller, happier life than we ever imagined that we could because we chose to stay together to work on it! We did attend some Christian counseling but mostly, we just worked very hard every step of the way. I think of the affair almost every day but not in a negative way. When I think of it today, it reminds me to be the best wife that I can be to lessen the temptation for my husband to look outside our marriage. He, in turn, is a very attentive, very loving husband who actually goes out of his way to avoid situations where he might be tempted to flirt or be attracted to other women. I say stay, stay, stay……

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