A Surprising Reason to Stay With Your Cheating Spouse
Should You Stay With Your Cheating Spouse? Maybe...
He had an affair, and you don’t know if you should leave your cheating spouse. Here’s a surprising reason to stay with a spouse who cheats, from marriage coach Mort Fertel.
Fertel offers one of the best reasons to stay married: men who cheated on their wives are less likely to cheat again. So, no – you shouldn’t leave your cheating spouse!
Here’s what marriage counselor Mort Fertel says about cheating husbands:
“At this point in a husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll cheat again? If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.”
Husbands who cheated may be more trustworthy than spouses who never cheated.
If you’re struggling with your husband’s affair, read My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me.
And, here’s what Mort Fertel says about men who cheat on their wives…
A Surprising Reason to Stay With Your Cheating Spouse
“My spouse cheated on me, apologized 100 times, stopped his affair, and is committed to being a new man,” says Beth. “I see he’s changed. But wouldn’t I be better off divorcing him and starting fresh with someone new?”
After a husband cheats on his wife, there’s so much pain, baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. Is it possible to rebuild a marriage after the trust is broken? Can you heal from your ordeal?
Does it make sense to just start a new relationship with someone else?
Maybe not.
Most spouses who cope with infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this feeling…but the opposite might be true.
Spouse Who Cheat Are Less Likely to Cheat Again
In Beth’s case, it appears that her husband really changed. He genuinely wants to save his marriage and reconnect with his wife. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the ‘I want a divorce’ wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or an addict, he’s less likely to cheat on her again, compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson about how destructive an affair is to a marriage, they’re less vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who never cheated.
Beth has a choice. If she leaves her cheating spouse, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that Beth always wanted him. I’ve seen it happen too often. But, Beth has another option. She could forgive her husband, save her marriage, and become the lucky woman who gets treated like a queen.
The question is: how do you heal after finding out that your spouse cheated on you? How do you forgive? How do you get to the point where you’re able to give your husband another chance?
Mort Fertel is a marriage counselor who offers free marriage advice and free marriage assessments — no strings attached.
What do you think – do spouses who cheat deserve a second chance?
Related Articles:
- Is Your Husband Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell if He’s Lying
- 8 Tips for Rebuilding Trust in Your Spouse After Infidelity
- What is Cheating Versus Flirting in Love Relationships?
Category: Marital Infidelity, Marriage, Reconnecting, Separation & Divorce
I AM SO LOST and CONFUSED
After almost 10yrs of marriage I finally have proof.
He admits to years of infidelity. He sees counselor and says he is a sex addict and narcissist.
We divorce. Years pass and we start spending time together. I can see real change in him.
I want our kids to have family. I give him another chance.
At first it is wonderful. But the more I find myself falling again the more CRAZY I feel. I’m blessing over the past. I THOUGHT I forgave him bit I guess I haven’t.
I can’t relax or breath. I’m consumed by checking up on him.
I was never like this when we weren’t together or in other relationships.
Is it Really worth it?
baytta is correct, these men do manipulate and shower affection and they dont want to be exposed. they abuse you after you find out youve been duped if you threaten to tell anyone they are leading a double life,double personality.. they also adapt themself to an ideal man..they are far from..
they do manipulate all the women.
i am on this page as my ‘husband’ not in the spiritual sense just on paper,left this paage open. he stalks me, i dont want to be him, he found out about me and a man who groomed me is the best way to put it -over the net-then got rid very spitefully,anyway, my husband wants to sort things out but this is why i cheated in the first place, wanting him to leave me the hell alone as being with this alcoholic thug who calls me absive names and told other men id suck them off and a french man that i hate the french when they had been rude to me on many occassions cos i coudnt speak french, so this guy beat his hand at me saying he should beat me,my boozed up partner was stood next to him,in my world the loving partner should be protecting not acting the enemy…
i had travelled all the way to canada to see the burk, his mother would send me awful gossipy cruel emails about me when i didnt do a damn thing to her, like her son, who is always in his behaviour ‘the big man’, she is also emotionally immature and a bully.
my ‘husband’ forces me to be with him and drained my energy so much by never hearing me and name calling for days, i wanted to escape…being told someone loves ya but them treating you like an emotional punchbag is evil… so people do have their reasons for straying!!!!!!!!
maybe you guys commenting need to take a look at how you are with the ‘cheater’.do they ask u to change but you remain draining?????
with a lack of emotional connection to my ‘husband’ i felt he had already messed up the marriage vows,his drinking was a mistress.
i could not and can not trust him with my heart, i actually felt my love being drained from me by so much cruelty, i went cold when he did that unnecc cruelty for the last time and in nervous breakdown mode i coped by talking to other men. to gain some pathetic regard for my damaged mind and heart after lengthy years of abuse, i wanted to feel love and happiness again, intimacy and connection with a man.not him.not my ‘husband’ his repeated behaviour showed he didnt care or love or know me at all…
i even asked for my marriage cert, he wont give it, i said i didnt love, he calls me names still, i dont wana talk about stuff but i am forced to.
i want him to go back to canada, he is self serving, secret emails to people in canada who told me he had told them to not tell me he was leaving uk and going back to canada..this was when he first arrived, my mum had told him he would have to leave my home if he didnt become ‘easier’ as i was being very emotionally drained hence hard on kid too dealing with a man who randomly asked in front of my 4 yr old if i ‘sat on my ex’s cock while watching tv’
i just wana be single..however he makes me feel sorry for him cos he is homeless cos he canot live with me and my son cos he is highly emotional he didnt learn the skills to have boundaries in childhood/teenage years- example getting drunk for days snotting next to me when im eating,throwing food around id made, to sober him up!!! being child like deliberatly difficult, he would also if i tryd to leave him tell me he was ‘running the bath’-ie:suicide. he never heard me, i did warn him to be easier. and believe me i am not even including so many out of order incidents.. watching and hearing me crying the lack of empathy he has makes me paranoid he is simply wanting me to drain of me-energy.. he is a sadist.. so i cheated.
I do not have a reply but was in hopes for some help with my situation. My kids father and I were married then divorced for reasons other than seperation we did not seperate then it wa later on that we did then we tried making it work again, and failed and now again are trying But it is hard for me because we were living in Vancouver for awhile but under some cercumstances has to move in order to have a place to stay with our children I came without him just me and our 2 children to stay with my sister he stayed to continue working in order to make money to fix his car and then come he stayed with his brother and girlfriend ok a month after he has already came and been with us at my sisters he gets a text and it said hey baby when are you coming back? I responded asking who it was she replied that her and my kids dad had slept and been together we it went on for a bit i kinda beleived her but him too at the same time well ya it all bothered me so much that I just called her too hear her side hoping that in talking I could see if she was lying. Well somethings she said to me is now why I am such a mess just the fact that when she told me that when he would make a call to supposably my sister as he told her he would go outside well everytime he called me he would be outside he smokes so thought nothing of it ok the biggest thing she had said to me to make me beleive something is not right with his story and denial of it all is there was a day where he called and I had left to the store to get my sister and I a soda she told him I was gone and he asked about our kids and ahe stated she was watching them while I went to the store. OK well this girl told me that there was one time he called and was all upset because I took off and left the kids with my sister and the way she said it was the way I know he wouldd have said it. His story changes so much when I try and ask about it first she was never there and then he doesnt know maybe she heard him say it to his brother I replied to that with thought she was never there he then says well I dont know i dont know who was there I said you were there in the house but have no clue if she was or was not there he claims he does not know so ya it is all a mess and I just really want and need to know it is the not knowing that is killing me morethan if he did.
Hi all. Have been with my wife since 15, and married for15years. Found out two years ago that she had been having an affair with my younger brother for atleast 4 years. we are still together and i have cut that evil sibling out of my life. we have three children, and i try to be positive. I seem to manage for short periods but then get dragged back down into the vicious circle of going over it again and again in my head. Feel like my life has been a waste and wish i wasnt here most days. Wife says she still loves me, she has been the only love of my life. But i wonder what love means to her if i am honest.
Learning of the unfaithfulness of a cheating spouse can be one of the most difficult things for a woman or a man to deal with in life. The marriage bond is a very powerful bond that should be treated with utmost respect and the highest regard. However, in the event that a spouse has been unfaithful, if they are genuinely remorseful, 100% repentant and absolutely committed to healing the wounds that they have created and making the marriage work agian moving forward, then to forgive a spouse that has been unfaithful, and to choose to love and stay committed to the original vows that you made, can be one of the most powerful things that a person can do in life. It can transform into an even more beautiful relationship then the one you had before. It will not be an easy road back to regaining full trust in your spouse again, but the act of forgiveness and the willingness to love through the pain can strengthen a marriage bond in a powerful way.
the counselor is a cheater himself and that’s his lame excuse to justify his own mistake by attempting to receive support from the world. typical personality disorder behaviour swinging between borderline and hysterical disorders.
if you forgive a guy who has cheated, i guarantee you he will cheat again. if he is forgiven in his current relationship, he will 100% cheat again. because cheating causes the body to produce extreme amount of adrenalin and there is a mental disorder called adrenalin addiction. people will do anything to get that high feel again. if because of his behaviour the relationship ends, he can maybe learn not to do the same mistake in his next relationship. alternatively, he will try to find a woman who can put up with being cheated on which is more likely to happen.
period!
p.s.: i am a guy
I have been through both sides of this. My only comment to sum it up is ” You can’t have a man who doesn’t want to be had”. ( I suggest everyone read the book ” infidelity slouthe”. ) . I once had a private detective ask me ” once you find out the truth what are you going to do with the evidence and how will you respond?” he proceeded to tell me that I would be the secret agent ( meaning I had to pretend to go on with life as if all was Rosie while he gained hard evidence). You have to remember that the spouse, male or female, is the one who has made a commitment that has been broken. They are the ones who owe you an explanation. Read the book and do lots of research along with meet with detectives; they will emotionally help you in every way.
I can’t tell my story because of the details. ( things i found out almost destroyed me and all FAMILIES involved. Yes families- not just two. It was generations) I can say it’s emotionally draining for all parties involved. Nobody will gain anything except for hurt and destruction!!!
Well, in my case, that didn’t work. 5 years ago I forgave my husband for an affair & worked through it. Or so I thought. 18 months ago, I found him at her house & he confessed that he had never stopped seeing her. He said he was wanting out of the relationship, and now that I knew, he had truly learned his lesson & he’d be the best husband ever & never make that mistake again. Fast forward to this past September when I was in the hospital dying from blood clots in my lungs. He resumed his friendship with her. I don’t think they were having an affair again, but on November 29, we had a fight & he left. He went straight to her house & has been there ever since. The way I see it, a man that can break those vows don’t hold them dear enough, and he will do it again if it suits him.
I forgave my husband when he cheated on me and left me a week before our 15th anniversary. At the thirty year mark I thought we had something to celebrate. I thought we rebuilt our marriage. I thought he had grown up and matured and that we were on our way to launching our last child and having a chance to be a couple again and enjoy our last years of work, retirement, grandchildren — growing old together. Instead he left me again. He confessed to having multiple affairs. I filed for divorce and it was granted very quickly and he was married within three months of our divorce being final. When he came back to me the first time he told me that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me and that he would never leave me unless I kicked him out. That didn’t happen. I may sound bitter. I am not. I am glad we raised our family together — although he was not around as much as I would have liked. I am glad that we never had to fight over custody or visitation. Our divorce was mediated. We didn’t use lawyers. He felt guilty and left my life as intact as possible and even though he can’t really afford it I got alimony. I didn’t have to sell my house or get a second job. His second marriage ended before they celebrated their first anniversary. He texts me to say that his years with me were his best and that his actions toward me were terrible. He tells me that I am a wonderful mother — and that I didn’t do anything wrong, I was a good wife. Am I interested in taking him back? NO!! I don’t think he will change. He is as charming as ever — and as likely to cheat as ever. He will keep finding women to stroke his ego. I would have voted differently. I would have loved to grow old with the father of my children. I would have liked for him to make different choices. I can’t change that — but I can let it go and live my own life now. My advice to someone with a cheating husband. Don’t count on them not cheating again. They may not have it out of their system — they may have just tested the waters and decided they like dipping their toes in now and then. I wanted to believe he was faithful so badly that I ended up being the wife that didn’t see what was really going on. When I asked questions he was very good at making me feel guilty for not trusting him. Now I have 20/20 hindsight. I would tell other women of cheating husbands to trust your instincts. If you feel crazy or like something just doesn’t add up then you are probably right. Keep your eyes open and make your own choices and then you live with them. As for me I am finally moving on.
Bayatta, you couldn’t have said it better! What you said is the REAL truth & both mistresses and wives need to face reality. I don’t date married men but I have run into men like this who have tried to lure me in & let me tell you-they are some of the most dishonest, manipulative SOB’s on the planet. They are very capable of putting on whatever face to suit both the mistress and the wife. Women need to stop wasting time on these men because they will most likely do it again despite what the above article says. Every marriage, and I mean EVERY marriage, of friends & aquaintances I have known where there was infidelity involved and they stayed eventually dealt with it again & again at some later point in the marriage. They eventually either had to finally leave or aquiesced to the fact that “this is the way it is going to be if I stay married to this person.” Ironically, it seems that I have more men friends who have been cheated on by wives than the other way around. I have a friend who’s wife cheats on him an average of at least once a yr. & he takes her back every time. She always says she’s sorry & she will never do it again but repeats it again and again. His own mother-in-law told him he needed to leave.
People, don’t waste your time putting up with and enabling a cheater as most will eventually do it again. If you think it won’t happen again, then you are in serious denial & living in la-la land.
I feel like my husband may be cheating but don’t have any solid evidence besides his actions. I knew this man was a cheater before I was with him in previous relationships. I told his ex-girlfriend about our affair because I felt like I wouldn’t want to be done that way. I talked to a preacher who warned me to stay away from him because if he cheated on her then he’ll cheat on you too. We’ve been together 3 years and I now feel like I’m being put on a back burner. When we get intimate the only thing that I can do to really turn him on is to mention having a threesome. He will then start naming women that we both know that he would like to involve. I feel like such a fool because he never wants to have sex with me anymore. I feel like I am totally selling myself out and sometimes I am amazed by all the women he thinks about.
you women that stay with a cheating husband, is just weakness on your part and more or less it WILL happen again! once they commit adultry once, they’ll do it again. When men cheat, it tends to knock down yourself esteem! Also, leaving you with unanswered questions of why, what, when, how come. You won’t find the answers so don’t go bother looking. I’m not saying this to put any woman down. I’m an attractive 42 year old female. I discovered my husband viewing porn and for some reason, I *69 his phone, and a womans voice said, “Are you a male seeking other women”? I almost s*** myself. Well today, I turned on the computer and there it was again, match.com. I hit the history button, and that said, “Would you like to view similar sites other than the one you have been viewing”? Now it’s time for a divorce. I came to a point in my life that there isn’t a man on the face of this earth that is going to drag me down. You have to be strong, have faith, pray and move on. Continue to do the things you love doing, such as hobbies, family, and friends. I know it is very difficult, however, if you DO have faith in yourself and God, your going to find yourself much better off, opposed to worrying about what he’s doing.
So…I have been married for 13 yrs to my best friend. We have a teenage son and a 1 y/o daughter. Long time between kids i know, didn’t happen for us. Well, i have been dealing with other woman issues for so long that i can’t take it any more. My husband is deployed to Afghanistan, coming home soon and I have found out that he has cheated with his bro’s wife, told another woman he “thinks he feel in love with her” and got caught kissing another woman while I was prego last yr! We have been through alot (obviously) and I have tried to look past things. I didn’t have any real proof of previous episodes besides stupid texts that were explicit, but vague. I am in full time nursing school w/o family around here to help and am totally lost as to what to do. He denies the affair w/sister in law as she said he would take it to the grave. He says she’s gone crazy and has no idea why she’d say something like that. But it has almost ruined her marriage as well, so why make it up?? I have had an emotional relationship w/a guy. We kissed and i was so upset that I made such a bad mistake. That was years ago and I feel like if I tell my hubby he won’t be as forgiving as I have been all these years. Where do I go from here? He’s coming home from war with all sorts of other baggage too. I am so lost.
How much do you love her Justin???
My wife and I separated this July after she and our three daughters moved out. Regrettably, in a ridiculous argument, I told her to leave and that I wanted a divorce. I was sick with a nasty infection that I had received from being outdoors. I was in and out of the hospital and the doctor’s office. I was under a lot of stress because I’ve been going to school and working full-time, supporting our family.
It gets more complex, as I lost a good job a couple years ago, and since we have been going through financial problems.
I recently learned that my wife, who now lives out-of-state with our daughters, has been seeing someone else since July, a man whom she had apparently met in January.
Bottom line, I don’t care that she has been seeing this other person. I blame myself for her leaving. I love her very much and I have done all I can think of to try to reconcile with her. I have asked her to go to counseling. I even invited her to my family’s Thanksgiving (to which she replied OK, but then she’s going on vacation with her new boyfriend that weekend).
Perhaps I am being foolish in trying to salvage my marriage. How much time should I give her to come back before I should move on?
I guess I should start off by admitting that I cheated on my husband before he did. It wasn’t an affair by any means and I cut it off as soon as I messed up. We were going through a really rough patch at the time and I allowed myself to believe the grass was greener on the other side. Before anyone judges me, I want to make it clear that I know that nothing justifies cheating and that I am completely aware that I was a fool and a coward. Instead of trying to work things out I made things much much worse. I debated for a month on what to do but in the end I confessed to my husband what I had done even though I knew things could go horribly wrong. At first he forgave me but then it became a downward spiral…he didn’t know how to cope with what I had done. We separated hoping to sort things out.
My husband and I had been separated for nearly a year when I discovered he was cheating on me. I had suspicions something was going on when I went to visit him–we were trying to work things out but some girl from his college kept sending him text messages at all hours of the night. I immediately confronted him about it but he just kept saying she was a friend and nothing more. Needless to say the trip was cut short when he refused to show me the messages. A great part of me regrets that I left because apparently at that point it hadn’t turned into a physical thing yet. Regardless, he spent months ignoring my questions about what was going on with this girl or plain out lying to me. Finally one day I just decided to check his emails and surprise, surprise I found compromising messages that his account had saved without him even knowing. They were stupid things like “I miss you” and “I can’t wait to see you” but I knew there was more to it. I immediately confided in my sister-in-law and she discovered chat conversations that had also been saved which were worse. He had no way of denying it after all the evidence was right there. I called him and told him he was a coward for not being able to just tell me the truth. Obviously I know how hard it is to be honest about something like this but lying just adds insult to injury. Of course he had no choice but to admit that he had slept with that girl. He tried to convince me it had only occurred once but I’m not an idiot and finally got him to admit it was several times over the course of 2 months. The affair didn’t last long and by the time I saw the conversations it had already ended. He kept insisting she meant nothing to him. He was just feeling lonely, confused, and angry. To top if off this girl didn’t care that he was married and kept pursuing him. Just so there is no misunderstanding I do blame this girl because even after she knew my husband was married and she saw me when I had gone to visit she had no problems sleeping with him. I can say with all confidence that she isn’t a very respectable girl having a known track record of sleeping with other peoples spouses. So yes, the person your spouse cheats with is just as much to blame.
In the beginning I felt empty and just overcome with sadness. I also kept telling myself I was getting what I deserved for what I had done. It was bad enough we were separated but to top it off my husband kept acting like he did nothing wrong and I had no right to reproach him for what he had done. It also didn’t help that we were living on different sides of the country. He finally came home with the full intention of divorcing me. But after talking and seeing how hurt I was by the entire situation he decided he wanted to work it out. So here we are. He has finally admitted that he messed up bad and that what he did was in fact cheat. Ever since he does all he can to treat me like a queen. I don’t think either of us would go down that path again because it is just way too painful. He has been able to move on from all of this but I still struggle with it every single day. Unfortunately for me he still has a semester to go and that whore is still there. I’ve even had the misfortune of bumping into her (she couldn’t even look me in the eye and just ran away) I keep an eye on him like a hawk but I’m forcing myself to trust him. I feel we owe it to each other to try to work things out but I often wonder if we will make it.
When my husband told the Witch he was married, he said, she said, ” I don’t care”. How can someone not care about the hurt and pain that an affair cause a spouse/family????
I forgave my cheating husband the first time I discovered that he was having a sexual affair with his student assistant. Several years later, on our 18th wedding anniversary,I discovered he was having another affair. This time with a married woman and who is the mother of 4 kids. There are some men who might be able to “change their ways”, but as for my now ex-husband, he only “changed his tactics”. I told him I refuse to give him or anyone else “permission to disrespect me or dishonor our teenager daughter”. He is welcomed to visit and have a relationship with his child, but I will never, ever be his wife or lover again. His constant cheating and lying are symptoms of more deep-seated emotional problems and he needs to seek professional counseling. I realize that divorcing my ex-husband is one of the best decisions I’ve made in my life. Now there is peace, joy and contentment in my home. I no longer have to concern myself with whether or not my middle-aged, confused husband is honoring his wedding vows. Life is Good!
Baytta must be the other woman. Take responsibility for your sins sweetie, maybe then you will stay out of other peoples marriages and find your own man. Sleeping with a married man is a sin!!!!! No matter what he say, how he chase, how much he call, or lie, you have a choice in the matter, you can say NO. You will pay for it in the end.
I blame both parties in the affair. I owe it to every married woman/man not to interfere in their marriage. No matter how I’m chased, pursued, lied to etc. We’re each responsible for our own decisions and will pay for our sins. Other Women stop sounding like victims, you’re not victims, you’re a part of the problem just like the husbands. My husband cheated on me. I’m still living with the aftermath of it 3yrs later. Affairs are poison that seeps in an destroy families. Even before the affair is discovered, the poison is destroying. In the end it’s a lose, lose situation for everyone involved.
I disagree with what this blog says and what Baytta says. The blogger may have had a great outcome but it is misleading to indicate that it would be the norm. My father has cheated twice on my mom (that we know of, could be more) and he has no shame and she continues to take him back even though I have pleaded with her to leave him. I have heard of many men cheating more than once so I disagree that if a person cheats he probably won’t do it again. Also Baytta, by saying that the men manipulate both women (wife and mistress) you are minimizing the other woman’s responsibility in this sin. Both times the other woman knew that my dad was married and they were married themselves and one had kids of her own. To say that it is “pathetic” to blame the other woman is ridiculous!!!! The other woman has a brain of her own and knows what is right and what is wrong and they would have to be an idiot to let a man manipulate and virtually control their minds!
At 14, I started dating my husband. I quickly became pregnant with my first child. We stuck things out stayed together. He asked me to marry him soon after, but i refused because I was scared and didn’t want to be one of those girls who got married because she was pregnant. 3 years of dating and an engagement. I find out hes been talking to his ex girlfriend, I confronted him. We argued, and he packed up and left, said he needed time away. Then a week later he ends up going out of state to be with her. Months later, child support and visitation with our son. He contacts me wanting to patch things up for the sake of our son. I believed he was over this ex so I forgave him. We began dating again, I set strict guidelines and made it very clear if he ever cheated again I wouldn’t forgive him. So 13 years later, a second child and a marriage to him. I find out hes talking to a girl he worked with and the same Ex girlfriend. I have found sexual Messages through dating sites and other different wedsites. I am very upset, confused and empty. I have cried many tears over this man, Forgave him and made him my husband, only to be betrayed again. I have no tears left. I firmly believe “Once a cheater always a cheater.” For anyone going through this, You deserve sooo much more! Make a new life and move on. I just wished I would have done this for myself years ago.
I just have to say. Time and time again how many women have heard there was no sex. If they live within a close enough driving vicinity or travel. They had sex. Period!!!!!!! If you consider phone or internet sex as having had sex. Yes they had sex. As Dr Phil put it. If they did something that they wouldn’t of done in front of you. They were cheating….. Some women say they can handle the sex part if there was no em otions attached to the affair. Honestly how will you ever know .. For me personally to say you should only hold the husband responsible and not the other woman is entirely rubbish as one put it. All affairs are different my husbands was with my best friend. Who knew me well. That I was a kind generous loving person and tried very hard to be a good wife and mother of our 4 children. So I shouldn’t be mad at her as well???? Are you nuts???
Even if she hadn’t known me and had heard all of the worst things imaginable about me from my husband. He is still my husband and she shouldn’t have allowed a married man to put himself out there for her unless she had no morals or values of the sanctity of marriage. Married men are off limits period. After all if they were real men then wouldn’t they not be so weak to betray and destroy their wife and kids. If you were a real woman wouldn’t you want to protect your fellow women and innocent children. Blah!!! Self centered egotistical people. My life is more important then the few casualties. Best of luck to all of you who’ve been the cheated on. It sux!!! So very very painful. Truly a nightmare.
In a world of materialistic values advocated by leading mental health “experts”, we have seen a decline in family values. fortunately, blogs like yours are reaching out and educating people about the problem and what can be done about it.
Im 24yrs and have 3 kids. after my first son was born my boyfriend tried to leave me for another woman he had not been phyically involved with but only through the phone by text messages. He had once liked this girl but she didn’t give him the chance of day cause he was overweight. he lost the weight and became very attractive. he told me he wanted to see where it went and so i was outraged i dumped him; after him begging for me to take him back and saying how sorry he was i still stuck to my guns and left him two months later i took him back and he said he didn’t follow up on anything with her. but little did i know he was already with someone else he had met in sept. 2009 we got back together nov. 2009 and broke up jan 2010 when i found out he was physically cheating on me. we didnt get back togther till the end of may.2010 when she finally dumped him. we have been together and have had two more kids and this new years for 2011 someone has told me he wants to pop the question. i have no idea if i want to marry him or anything. its only been a years out of the 4yrs of being with him he has only been faithful 1yrs. if i say no he will leave me if i say yes i;ll go into a marriage with doubts and i don’t want that. any advice please.
I have been married for 13 years and have been with my husband about 20 years collectively. My husband cheated on me 4 years ago. When I discovered the affair, I confronted him and demanded that he end it right away. He did….or so I thought. I received a call 6 months later from his mistress letting me know that the “relationship” never ended and that now that she was done with him I could have him back to myself.
Needless to say, I was outraged. I confronted him once again. We talked about the situation, but I was not satisfied. I started researching divorce attorneys because I was very hurt and he shattered my trust that I once had. We have 3 beautiful children together and I did not want to disrupt their lives, so I discontinued my research for divorce attorneys. I went to counseling just to sort things out. It helped out tremendously. My therapist assured me that I was not the reason why he stepped outside of our marriage and really helped me rebuild my self esteem.
After about 6 months, we started to get back on track. I did tell my husband that this could never happen again because I did not think that I could be as forgiving as I was because this affair really took a toll on me mentally and physically. He assured me that he would never step out again.
Okay, we used a shared laptop and one day I logged on and was trying to access my Face Book and his Face Book account was still active. I was curious to see what he had been up to because every now and again I do wonder. I looked at his messages and low and behold, he has been in touch with that same woman. He is sending her flirty emails and sending compliments on how sexy she is. Not sure how to proceed with confronting him.
We have mutual friends and no one in our circle knows that we went through that rough patch. I wanted and needed to vent to someone, but someone who was neutral and did not know either my husband myself. One night I was out and I was chatting with a very handsome man because my husband was outta of town. Before we went our separate ways, I did the unthinkable….gave him my card and told him that I would like to keep in touch. We have been talking for 6 weeks now…..I did confide in him and he has been very objective about the situation and give me his male point of view. I am very attracted to him and he has been a good distraction from what I am dealing with yet again. I know two wrongs do not make a right, but I am very close to “testing the waters”. Maybe if I experienced an outside affair…maybe I could understand it better….maybe I would be okay.
IDK….soooo confused
d best comment i read help me insome other aspects and decision inmy lifei frgve myhusband but i cant forgetbut i knew that heis trying hes best to be a good husband
I don’t think there’s a black and white answer to this question! Sometimes there are strong reasons to stay with a spouse who cheats, while other times you need to get as far away as possible – as fast as you can.
If my husband cheated, I’d have a hard time staying with him — no matter what the reasons he cheated or the reasons for staying.
I disagree completely! I just found out that my husband cheated before he went to prison… He told me that she was just a friend nonething more but yet the girl got pregnant and when I found out him and her both denied it… Now that the twins are here she admits they his… We fought about it and I was gonna leave but decided to give him another chance bc he claim he loves me and it was a mistake… But now I found out thru her that he has been writing her and she says he wants to be wit her when he gets out but he never even told me he writes her, he told me he don’t have her address… So he obviously still lying to me and I just don’t know what to believe anymore…. And I do blame her bc she knew about us, yes we were having problems but it don’t excuse it… He even told her to have an abortion to save his marriage and gave her the money but she kept them anyway and I just feel like enough is enough… I can’t have kids on my own… Plus he’s in jail so I don’t know if he writing her or not, but I’m the one who does everything for him and go visit him…. But I think at this point, its behind working it out… I don’t trust him at all anymore and what’s a marriage or relationship with no trust…. It broke me down to a point where my self esteem lowered tremendously bck I felt that I did something wrong but he even told me it wasn’t nonething I did, it was all him and he sorry for hurting me but yet he still lying to me and talking to her behind my back…. Me and her not friends but we have mutual friends that told me she said he wrote her and say they gonna be together…. I basically ended it and wrote and told him if he wants her he can have her…. I finally built my self esteem back up to where I know I’m a beautiful woman and can have any man I want. I have alot going for myself at only the age of 25… I’m a damn good wife, so if he wants that homewrecker he can have her! I won’t have to worry bout if he lying or being truthful and I fully believe my life will be much better without him bck I love myself and deserve to be treated like a Queen… I deserve a real man as my husband, not a cheating lying Dog like the man I married! Sad but true…. I gave him my all but I vowed to myself now that no man will ever hurt me like that again, I now have an electric fence up surrounding my heart! And I fear the next man who even steps foot near my heart! That fence is PERMANENT!! AND I’M HAPPIER NOW THAN I EVER BEEN IN A LONG TIME!!!!!!
Last year I got pregnant around may .Before we got married he was my boss..I didnt know that he has a girlfriend in another state.Then I confronted him about his deception he said I’m the one he loves so I’d forgive him..He said he’ll break up with her..so after a month Ive seen a text msg saved on his drafts saying Ilove you on a girl..I confrontyed him again asking if he break up or not with his gf he said he havent yet since the gf is suicidal..he ask for one last chance ..I gave him a chance and then I married him..our marriage was happy till i read some save conversations on his email like a sex talk it shocked and pained me coz I have gave him my all I made his things all ready his shirt shoes I even put toothpaste on his toothbrush massage him when stress.He said that the problem came in when where having sex and I cant come..I told him that its because I just gave birth and because of my responsibilities with our child I cant even concentrate since im the only one who takes care of our baby.he said that he cheated because it seems like he cant satisfy me ..I dont know if il forgive him or not..seeing him chatting to other women..
I have a sister in law by marriage (I am married to her brother) and her husband (lets call him Ray) is cheating on her for the second time. The first time he did it their first child was a few months old. He is doing it again now their second child is the same age. I was suprised to see how you advise that a first cheater can really regret their actions and make a stronger marriage afterwards. But I am prepared to accept this can happen. However, what I do not understand is my sister in law has just written on a website “Eight years ago I married a man that I love dearly! I hope God gives me the opportunity to many more years with him! I love you Ray”. They are having a trial separation and as far as all are aware (perhaps apart from the wife) his affair continues. Do you think there is any hope? If not, how can the family help her to see sense and get rid of him?
After 23 years of marriage, I gave my ex-husband his walking papers. Several years ago, I forgave him for cheating with his student assistant 2 months before we got married. Last year, July 2010, I caught him cheating again. This time with a married woman who is also the mother of 4 kids. My ex-husband and his mistress were both aware of each other’s marital status. Of course, I put the blame squarely on my ex-husband because he made a vow to me. However, his mistress must also pay for her part in his deception, after all “Karma is a —ch!”
Now he when my ex-husband comes around to visit our 15 year old daughter, he’s looking all pitiful and lost. I told him if he’s looking for “comfort and joy”, he needs to contact his mistress because that’s her job now. They were only “playing house” when they were cheating, now they can actually set up housekeeping and experience the real daily grinds of building a life together. I’m predicting that the “Pixie Dust” will disappear from their relationship at the speed of light!
I’m just happy to be free from him and his lying, deceptive ways. I finally have peace and contentment in my home. I no longer have to be concerned whether or not my middle-aged husband is keeping his vows. I am enjoying my new lease on life. Yee Haw!!!
I believe that in some cases, forgiveness and reconciliation can be a good thing. People make mistakes. But after 8 years with my husband, and giving him chance after chance, I think it’s clear that he isn’t going to change.
The information in this article is interesting, especially because it doesn’t match with any of the statistics I’ve seen elsewhere. Some people make mistakes, but someone who would make a selfish choice once is certainly more likely to do it again. Someone who hasn’t, probably has more self control and compassion for others.
I do agree in part with Baytta, atleast that one should mostly focus on the husband and not the OW. For one thing, the OW might not be aware he is married. Other than that, if she did know, then one must focus on the fact that there are a lot of other selfish skanks out there who will be tricked into thinking the husband loves them, and so will justify playing a part in the deception played on the wife, so they can pursue their own personal feelings. If not this woman, there will be another right behind her. So focus on the husband as the common denominator.
It’s important not to sleep with your husband if he cheats, unless you are sure he is done. And if he hasn’t stopped, you probably wont even know for awhile. The kinds of women who become the OW are of low self-esteem, validate themselves with sex, and can’t even wait long enough for a man to secure a divorce, so they are much higher risk for STDs. Your husband probably has been with many of them, because for every rat you see, theres a hundred you don’t
As a wife whose husband cheated on her with the teachers aid at our daughters school. I m pretty much enraged at both of them.
Yes I fully agree that my husband is an idiot and is responsible for his actions….. but honestly for a woman to know that he is a married man and still allow the contact to get to such a level…. I am sorry then she deserves to shoulder the blame too.
What has the world come to if women can so freely sleep with married men and “cry boohoohoo he chased me” absolute rubbish.
If there is one thing that I see coming thru from all my days on the net, with mags and self help books it is that married woman get to shoulder more and more responsibilities…… married men do the same yes but men wanna come home to a sex demon. Married woman on the other hand wanna come home to a welcoming smile, hug and be appreciated.
What does this leave us all with?? In short we have all lost sight of the simple fact that…… NOBODY ESLE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY BUT YOU!!!!!
We are so caught up with our lives and look for external things to make us happy that we forget the fundamentals. Seriously….. listen to what we say to our selves…. if we have more money or some material posse ion then we will be happy…. when does it end.
Happiness as they say is not a destination. I cannot expect my husband to make me feel good and then after I feel better about myself will I give to him. My husband will probably thru it back in my face and say the same.
Then the blame game starts, with no end.
In short we so easily forget our marriage vows because we become resentful that we are not being made to feel good by the other spouse and in walks someone else that makes us feel happy. The spouse who has been cheated on, is already feeling unhappy about themselves and is gutted by revelation of the betrayal.
So why are we forgetting the fundaments…… we are looking for quick fixes.
If we cannot invest time and effort in ourselves why should anyone else?
I just feel we should takes our spouses off thoses pedestals that we have put them on …. as our primary source of happiness and stop beating ourselves up with how could he, why’s and if only I did.
Start making yourself happy right now and gain your happiness back second by second.. and let the rest deal with itself
Ladies….stop blamimg the other woman! It is pathetic! The blame falls only on your husband. He is your husband and he is the only one that owes you anything! Did you stop and think for one second that maybe it was YOUR husband who pursued her, manipulated her, made her believe she was the love of his life, made her believe their love was real and only that their “timing was off” to finally meet in life. Like I said….I have been on the other side, and these men manipulate ALL the women involved..wives and mistresses! They are selfish and will do whatever it takes to have their needs met. They are cowards and can’t handle the heat and consequences that come from their actions….especially if they were caught and EXPOSED. They can’t handle it. Of course this only applies to the husbands who have had blown out relationships with other women…not the husband that may have had too many one night, slipped up, and confesses to his wife. I’m talking about the man who lives a double life, who lies several times a day for months or even years to both these women to satisfy his selfish needs. Ladies, it takes a srong, secure, and independent woman to leave..,.not to stay in an abusive marriage. Just because you have chosen to leave the marraige, this does not mean you can’t still forgive husband and move on. This is especially true if their are childre involved, forgive your husband and don’t ever deny your children the right to have a relationship with their father. You need to forgive, accept that your husbands cheating is his problem not yours, and move on to a better life…and make sure he pay$ you well.
My husband of 10 years moved out in January this year, saying he didn’t know what he wanted. Prior to this I had questioned him about his weird behaviour with the girls that lived next door. He told me I was being stupid. One night a txt message came in before he moved out and I read it. It was from her. Well of course I went over there and what resulted was not a good night. My husband moved out the next week. He continued to tell me through the whole time he was gone he wasnt sure what he wanted. I found futher txt messages in his phone between thema nd again went to this woman and confronted her and then my husband and finally they admitted it, and both of them told me there was no sex involved. After 12 weeks he wanted to reconcile and I thought we will give this a go and I was actually starting to feel good about this and my 3 children were so happy that dad and mum were happy. The slut moved out and got herself a new house. The this slut sends an email to me saying sorry for everything and a txt to him saying she is 10 weeks pregnant. (this txt also degraded me and she was trying to build herself up in it.) So they did sleep together, and I am facing a situation I never wanted to face. While I was happy to try again when no sex was involved, I am in a situation where for now I have to suck it up and smile each day because I have made this decision to forgive and forget, and I will not put my children through what they went through again.Not after a few weeks after he just came home!!! He has promised me it wont happen again and he is being very accountable to me.
What made me even more angry was the fact this woman knew he was married and actually tried to befriend me and my children.
I started the whole obsessing thing but you know what she has already taken so much from me I will not allow her to have anything else. He wants me! She was a skanky whore with not morals or ethics and I have told her this is a very detailed email. Everytime I think of her I pamper myself. The thoughts get further and further apart, and I am determined to ensure that a decision I have made today will not effect the rest of my life. I will be ok, and I know i will move on from this.