What to Do When You Catch Your Spouse Cheating
Marriage coach Mort Fertel says spouses who cheat are less likely to cheat again. So, you shouldn’t necessarily leave a spouse you caught having an affair.
“At this point in a husband’s life, given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll cheat again?” says Fertel. “If this woman gave him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family years before? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.”
Husbands who cheated may be more trustworthy than spouses who never cheated.
If you don’t know what to do about the affair, read What To Do When Your Spouse Cheats: Take Practical Steps To Survive.
Here’s what one reader says about this book:
I was in a similar situation many years ago and I wish I had a book like What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats to help me during that difficult time. This author has taken a situation that is often fraught with emotions and calmly laid out an action plan for anyone who suspects their spouse is cheating on them. The reader will be in a much more empowered space if he/she ever wants to confront their cheating spouse with the evidence collected. It is clear from the book that the author struggled through her own version of catching a cheating spouse and was able to come out the other side with her marriage intact. But of course many of us are not as forgiving and in some cases the cheating spouse is happy to be found out so that he or she can leave the household. But this is just one of the many tips that the author provides – don’t leave the house once you have confronted your spouse with some of the evidence that he cheated, and don’t encourage them to leave either. The reason behind this is not what you might think. Another point the author raised that I would not have thought of but can see the reasoning behind it is in being careful when you vent your anger and hurt to friends or family members. After all if you want to keep your marriage going you don’t want to turn your friends and family against your spouse. What to Do When Your Spouse Cheats covers either staying in the marriage or leaving it.”
If you don’t know what to do after catching your spouse cheating, you should read that book!
And, here’s what Mort Fertel says about men who cheat on their wives…
What to Do When You Catch Your Spouse Cheating
“My spouse cheated on me, apologized 100 times, stopped his affair, and is committed to being a new man,” says Beth. “I see he’s changed. But wouldn’t I be better off divorcing him and starting fresh with someone new?”
After a husband cheats on his wife, there’s so much pain, baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. Is it possible to rebuild a marriage after the trust is broken? Can you heal from your ordeal?
Does it make sense to just start a new relationship with someone else?
Maybe not.
Most spouses who cope with infidelity (and other emotional hardships) believe that they’ll be safer in a relationship with someone who never cheated on them or hurt them. I completely understand this feeling…but the opposite might be true.
Spouses Who Cheat Are Less Likely to Cheat Again
In Beth’s case, it appears that her husband really changed. He genuinely wants to save his marriage and reconnect with his wife. And I’ve seen many people transform themselves after getting the ‘I want a divorce’ wake up call. Unless her husband is a pathological liar or an addict, he’s less likely to cheat on her again, compared to someone whose track record is clean. In other words, once a spouse learns their lesson about how destructive an affair is to a marriage, they’re less vulnerable to make the same mistake than someone who never cheated.
Beth has a choice. If she leaves her cheating spouse, he’ll most likely fall in love with another woman and treat her like a queen. He’ll be the husband to his new wife that Beth always wanted him. I’ve seen it happen too often. But, Beth has another option. She could forgive her husband, save her marriage, and become the lucky woman who gets treated like a queen.
The question is: how do you heal after finding out that your spouse cheated on you? How do you forgive? How do you get to the point where you’re able to give your husband another chance?
If you don’t think you can forgive him, read Healing the Pain When Your Husband Has Been Unfaithful.
What do you think – would you give your cheating spouse a second chance?
Category: Marital Infidelity, Marriage, Reconnecting, Separation & Divorce
Comments (107)
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Sites That Link to this Post
- Why Men Cheat on Women - How to Stop a Man From Cheating | April 14, 2011
- Is My Marriage Over? 7 Ways to Tell if Your Spouse is Ending the Relationship | September 1, 2010
- Trust a Cheating Husband? How to Survive an Emotional Affair | July 25, 2010
I just discovered last week that my husband was cheating on me. It was with a woman he used to be friends with before we met. I always felt we had a good relationship and he was always honest with me -even about things it might be difficult to be truthful about. When we got engaged his lost his children when his ex wife found out. This has been an ongoing emotional issue for him since. He was VERY close with both children and was a great father. He stayed in a horrible emotionally abusive relationship with his ex wife for 10 years for his children. Now, not only does he not see them, they send him nasty messages saying he is a piece of sh*t, they’ve got a new father etc. He blamed himself and started drinking a little heavy. I discussed this with him and it seemed he had cut back but he had very bad self esteem issues from this. He has also been taking care of his grandma since he was 19 and she was actually living with us, but we had to put her in a nursing home and he felt extreme guilt. In the last several months I’ve noticed the drinking get heavy again. Once I found out that he cheated, he was very open with the details. They slept together twice over the course of a few weeks but he continued to email her only because she was threatening to expose that they slept together. He said he’s relieved that I finally know as cheating on me only caused him to drink even more. I didn’t know it at the time but he was drinking to numb the pain of losing his children and other personal issues, even at work. He was hiding how many drinks he had each night. He says that he doesn’t know why he did it…he loves me more than anything and has no explanation. I told him I’d consider working through it if he 1) Quit drinking 2) went to see a counselor on his own and 3) agreed to marriage counseling. He agreed to all three. Now that he’s gone to see the counselor he’s been diagnosed with depression and has even agreed to get on medication. He says the cheating was an attempt to temporarily feel better about himself and escape reality – just like the drinking, although he has accepted full responsibility and says there’s no excuse. Reading all these stories and other comments…I’m scared to give him another chance. Any advice?
I ask. If they were not caught, would they keep cheating. I think they would. It’s when they are caught and confronted, that they appologize to you. As for me, if I feel I want to cheat, then I should be divorced. There is no excuse, NONE. I am going through hard times now with my wife and see many women out there, I would like to be with; however, it’s not worth it. I am of the Jewish faith but I feel all religions should follow this. Till death due us part should mean what it says.
My husband has cheated on my repeatedly. During the first 15 years of our marriage I saw signs, didn’t want to believe it and put up with a lot of internal pain and mental abuse. When I confronted him, he became apologetic, won’t happen again, etc. After 30 years of marriage he fell in love with and started making plans with her to be together permanently. When I discovered this, he apologized, said he didn’t know why he did what he did, we went to counseling and he remained frozen – not wanting to leave his home and family, but wanting the mistress. Our adult children let him know they weren’t going to have a relationship w/him and the other woman. We separated – things with the OW fell apart, he met a younger woman he dated and took to wonderful places. After two years I asked for a divorce and when confronted with that, said he wanted to come back home. I thought he really had decided to make a true commitment to our marriage and family. Within two years the affairs started again and I am numb. It doesn’t hurt as much now discovering the new women (yes more than one) and his words of longing and lust for them and I just can’t bring myself to gather the strength to confront him and go through all the pain again. I just feel exhausted thinking of dragging our whole family through this mess again. He on the other hand treats me like a queen, is generous and thoughtful. And I know that’s because he loves having both worlds – family and mistresses. And, yes, I look in the mirror and compare myself to these women and find fault with myself even though my friends tell me I’m smart and attractive I don’t feel that way. Have to find strength to pick up the phone, make appt. w/a counselor – avoiding it because I know they will tell me what I don’t want to do.
I think you are wrong. My brother in law has cheated on my sister several times. One time when she was pregnant with kid #2…and he had a CHILD with a woman a little after kid #4 showed up.
He’s also a full blown alcoholic and has illness (physical) due to his unhealthy life. He has no interest in the kids and now she wants to leave and HAVE A LIFE after 20 years, he is resisting divorce.
Forgive a cheater? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.