7 Signs Your Marriage is Over

Are you going through the normal stages of a long-term marriage, or is your relationship finished? These signs a marriage is over will help you see your relationship more clearly.

signs your marriage is overWhat are the natural phases of a long-term, committed love relationship? Read Love Cycles: The Five Essential Stages of Lasting Love by Linda Carroll. You’ll recognize where you are in the cycle of your marriage, and start understanding different strategies for staying happy and committed, even in difficult times.

“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says Mort Fertel. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”

Feeling like you’ve hit rock bottom in your marriage isn’t necessarily the worst thing to happen in your relationship. Sometimes rock bottom is where you need to be, so you can rebuild your marriage. Rock bottom might help you see your relationship clearly – such as identifying when guilt is keeping you in a marriage you wish was over.




7 Signs Your Marriage is Over

Remember marriage coach Mort Fertel’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of life. In fact, Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger marriages.

If financial debt or other money problems are destroying your marriage, read How to Stop Money From Causing Relationship Issues.

Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage

If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.

Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care

You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.

You don’t connect with your spouse

When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect.

You have different visions of the future of your marriage

He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).

Sometimes you don’t need to read signs your marriage is over, because you know divorce is the best option. If you aren’t financially independent or free to walk away, read How to Get Money to Leave Your Husband.

You’re not physically intimate (but this isn’t always a sign your marriage is over)

Signs Marriage is Over

7 Signs Your Marriage is Over

This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health — but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.

You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage

If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a certain sign your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily remedied if both spouses are willing.

You partner cheats and wants to end the marriage

Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.

I welcome your thoughts on these signs your marriage is over. I can’t give you advice – but below I offer a direct link to marriage coach Mort Fertel. He gives relationship advice, and shares his perspective on the signs of a marriage ending.


Do you need relationship help? I can't offer advice, but you can get FREE advice and a FREE marriage assessment from marriage coach Mort Fertel. No strings attached!


If you and your husband are willing to work on your marriage, read How to Go on a Marriage Retreat Without Leaving Home.

 

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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Welcome - I'm glad you're here! I can't give advice, but you're welcome to share your experience below. I'm a writer in Vancouver; my degrees are in Psychology, Education, and Social Work. I live with my husband, two dogs, and cat. We are childless, & have made peace with it. It helps to love Jesus :-)

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100 Responses

  1. Bonnie says:

    My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years now. We’ve been married for four. We used to be that couple that were a force to be rekend with. We could accomplish anything together. In 2008 we had our first child together (I had a son from a previous marriage). Things were perfect. When our son was 2 months old he went down for his morning nap, and he never woke up. Our relationship has been difficult ever since. We were toxic for each other over the next year. There was a lot of fighting. I sank myself into a change in careers and went back to school while he supported us. During that time we found out we were expecting a little girl. She was born in 2010. Things were getting better for us. I graduated and found a job quickly. Since then it seems that I’ve been moving forward and he’s going backwards. He cannot hold a job for more than 6 months (this is not typical for him). He drinks all the time and snaps at any given moment feeling like he’s being attacked constantly. This has caused me to just pull away. I feel like there is no helping him and that he’s choosing drinking over his family. It’s hard to see someone you love do this to themselves, but it isn’t healthy for anyone involved. I can’t seem to make myself leave. It’s not that I can’t leave, I just can’t seem to give up completely, as it seems he has. I think a lot of what keeps me from leaving is the fear that he’ll end up with nothing because he cannot function.

  2. ab says:

    I’ve been together for 13yrs and honestly I don’t love her any more she disrespect me as do I to her we have completely different views on life She thinks I like acting smart but the truth is she’s stupid I just we never got together

  3. Depress husband says:

    My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years and we are the parents of 4 beautiful children. A lot of people may think that with so many kids, we would be making love like rabbits…Sadly that is not the case. We have just been very fortunate to have kids whenever we pretty much wanted. But as many of you may know having a lot of kids doesn’t mean having a lot of intimacy.
    I love my wife very much and we both were virgins when we got married in our 20’s. About 3-4 years ago I started to notice that I wanted to explore my intimacy more and fun things. At first, I didn’t know how to tell my wife about those feelings for fear of rejection or for fear that she could think that I was a pervert or something. Also, sometimes you don’t ask for those kind of things to your wife, because she is your wife and she should be treated like a queen and make love with candles and roses. But well, I am a guy and sex is how I feel connected to my wife. It makes me feel that she wanted me, that I am desired, attractive, and that she is crazy about me the same way I am about her.

    After sharing these and other thoughts with my wife, she basically just listened to me and turned me down. I tried to be patient and give her time. But time pass and noting has change. She always seems to have an excuse of why she is not doing it. Sadly, I started to feel angry and rejected; and little by little I stopped holding her hands, kissing her before I leave to work or before we went to sleep, saying nice things to her, sitting next to her in the couch, etc. I feel that I am the worst husband in the world! But I don’t do it in purpose, I just feel that I opened my heart to the women of my dreams and she basically said she is not going to change. That I can either take what she give me the way she give it to me or else. My wife doesn’t’ work for a salary, she is a stay home mom and have done a wonderful job rising our kids but I just feel lost know. I LOVE her but every day I feel more and more angry and distance from her. I have try many things: helping her with the kids after I come from work, cleaning the house, making dinners, etc., things she has tell me will help her feel more attractive to me. I have done that for years not because I wanted her intimate favors but out of love.
    But now, I am starting to not care about it anymore. The thoughts of divorce are starting to cross my mind. I don’t want to cheat on her. I rather get a divorce before I can even think about looking for another women. I just feel rejected, ugly, I started to think that I am terrible in bed.
    I even feel as a horrible husband just for writing this here. She is a sweat great women and I wish I didn’t like sex so me and my wife could be having the perfect marriage. Is there anyone out there that is in a similar situation? what did you do? should I really start considering to move on? I have already talked to my wife about all this issues, is not that she is in the dark but now that makes me even more angry because now I think she rejects me on purpose. In one word, I just feel super LONELY.

    • rnm says:

      I have been where your wife is right now. Women look at sex differently than men. Women see it as a connection to their spouse or showing how much they love their spouse. It maybe that what you want to experiment with is something she has never done or thinks of it as dirty. I would recommend that you two discuss your requests and how she feels about it. Her actions are definitely reflecting that she is not happy with the idea. Be sincere when you ask her to talk about and do not bow up like a cobra when she is honest with how she feels. it is not personal. It is her feeling, not yours and you do not have to own it. I know when I am tired, worn out and know that tomorrow will be the same, the last thing I want is to be pressured for sex. There is more to the marriage than just sex. Sit down with her when you both have time to discuss her feelings about your offer and be open to her comments. Also, write down what else is important in your marriage other than sex. Marriage is the whole package. I would hate to think you gave up a sweet person over one aspect of marriage. it is like throwing out the baby with the bath water. I wish you the best of luck.

    • carol says:

      hi yes I am having the same problem ,he has become very distant and does not seem to want sex and he says I am acting mean well hello he never compliments me or says nice things and says leave if I am not happy who would not act mean at times,i lost both my parents in 1 year and says well life goes on I am beginning yo hate him we have been together for 33 years and we were happy up till I got some inheritance not a lot and my dad always said u spend it on yourself as he knows how cheap my husband was and I think he wanted half I have bought him a lot of things and took him on vaca for his b day but he just expects it then he wants to go away with me and take me on weekend vacations and wants to go to the beach together so whats up with that and goes way out on my b day and xmass and gives me cards that say I love you on them and when I ask him whats wrong when he is acting distant he says things change and nothing stays the same and I ask him if he loves me and says yes when I am being nice? I am lost in what to think and most of the times we get along like room mates I don’t want to be used so I am thinking of leaving but 33 years is hard to walk away from what do u yhink and he pays for the trips and if we go out to eat help carol

  4. Jan says:

    10 year anniversary tomorrow and all I can think of is how do I say I’m done? He doesn’t work hasn’t in years. I pay all the bills. We have no kids together. We are both in our 40s and 2 and marriage. No intimacy for almost a year. haven’t kissed in years. I’m just done! Need to get my nerve up and just say it!

  5. Jessica says:

    Its sad to say my husband and I have only been married for 6 years and this is the second time that it is failing. We were separated for a year and ended up getting back together, I have been back just over a year and it is worse than before. When I first got back everything seemed great he was kind, sweet and caring. He would apologize if he was wrong or rude. He made sure he understood how I felt and that I was happy. Now it couldn’t be farther from that, he lives and loves to hurt me. He says things to break my heart and he only seems happy after he hurts my feelings. He has an obsession with porn and it has destroyed our sex life. We have no sex life at all and now he is going to these nude coffee stands in the morning. When I tell him that it hurts my feelings, he says that I’m being insecure and that I’m basically an awful person for saying anything. He said all men do this to their wives and they don’t care it’s just me. He embarrasses me in public for little things, screaming at me calling me stupid. We are in our mid 20s and I don’t think it should be like this already. Am I wrong? I don’t even know what to do anymore, i don’t know if I want to leave him because I love him a lot but I feel like I am worth more than this. I feel like I deserve more respect and have someone that respects and loves me. My family lives far away so I am just trapped in our home with no vehicle. I do everything for him, and he treats me this way. Am I just being insecure and jealous or do I have a reason to be angry. I don’t know what to do anymore, any advice would help greatly.

    • Janie says:

      Jessica,
      Leave this man as soon as possible. He is abusive, both emotionally and verbally. This often escalates to physical abuse. Pack your bags, have a friend pick you up, and get out of town. You are young. You can have a great life with someone who treats you with love and respect. This is not love. This is abuse. Peace.

    • A says:

      I’ve been there before, you know your treated badly…but something is holding you from leaving. Hope for the future, hope for getting through to him so he can realize how bad he treats you. Hoping he’ll change. You hold out for change. Things will either get better or worse or you will get fed up. You have to first come to terms you cannot love this away, you cannot prove yourself enough, you cannot create morals, or values that aren’t there. There was a pattern somewhere in his life that taught him this….it’s learned behavior. It’s a control thing. To keep you down, keep you isolated for his security reasons. You can’t cater to the insecurity, you have to put your foot down. You have to push aside the fear of losing him, you have to show him it’s not acceptable. The put downs, the controlling behavior will only push you further away. Dont accept anything less than you feel you deserve (or willing to compromise on). Two things will happen, he will change or you will change. He will change for the better or worse. You will change for better or worse. He will escalate to physical abuse trying to regain control or he will see control doesn’t make for a happy relationship and he will slowly change. Work on your family and friend relationships and get relationship counseling. People treat you how you allow them, if you allow them to control you emotionally with threats, with berating and put downs, some unhealthy men will out of habit from what they’ve been conditioned to growing up. I guarantee if you look into it, you’ll see a pattern somewhere in his childhood. People tell you leave, I could’ve given up and left, but I changed, and it caused him to change for the better. THIS is rare….I can tell you. You have to decide enough is enough and value yourself and if he values you as much he will try to figure out a healthier way to cope with his anxiety. If he refuses to reflect on himself and change so your a happier healthier person, you have to value yourself enough to move on. Good luck.

      • rnm says:

        I agree with the other two posts. Make your plan to leave if he will not accept your boundaries. People do not change until they are uncomfortable. When you tell him what you will not tolerate, have a plan to leave in case he cannot abide by your request. Verbal and physical abuse will beat you down until you cannot see a way out. Choose not to be a victim. Find a friend that can listen or find a counselor YOU can discuss the issue with. they can help you with the plan of escape.

  6. Danni says:

    My husband and I met 15 years ago. He was 23 and I was 24. We fell in love at first sight.

    Unfortunately at the time, he was still married, not happily, but married nonetheless.

    Today we are separated, he went away for two weeks with his friends and came back and told me he wanted out and that he wanted to be alone. I was floored and shocked. I had given my life to this man. I moved countries three times for his career. I boosted him through university, socialised at work functions to help boost his career. I honestly felt like a discarded old shoe.

    That was two months ago. Today, I have taken my power back. Yes some days I feel sad that 15 years of history is over but I figure, if 15 years was so worthless to him why lament on the loss? Best to just let go and move on. So I am.

    So I took my power back. I have changed my name back to my maiden name, for my hair cut and dyed, have started yoga, lost weight, have enrolled into university to do a language course, I have found an excellent counsellor, I hang out with my friends when I can and I am reconnecting to MYSELF. I lost myself many years ago but now I am finding out who I am, what my values are and what I want in MY life. And do you know what? I love who I have found – someone with a big, kind and generous soul that just wants to be happy. And unfortunately that doesn’t include him.

    Take the power back ladies. It’s totally exhilarating :-)

    • A says:

      Hi I was reading your story….good for you, take care of yourself. My outside perspective when you said that when you got with him he was in an unhappy marriage, that was a huge red flag for me. It shows when things get him down, he looks elsewhere for happiness. He doesn’t work on his problems, it seems he disposes of them, and tries to find “better” of course he will never find better. The problem isn’t with you, and most likely wasn’t with his ex. The problem is within him. Until he figures that out for himself he will keep blaming his wives for his marraige problems and keep seeking something that doesn’t exsist. Perfection and someone who takes full responsibility for your happiness. Take care of yourself, and know this shows his character flaws. Not yours. Good luck!

  7. amy says:

    We have been married 47 years and as far as I’m concerned it ended the next day, it maybe lasted 24 hours. I’ll try to make this short !!! My husband hates sex and intimacy, we had it once and he threw up for the rest of the night. He wasn’t drunk or upset he just hated it terribly and told me he never would do that again. He has never slept with me won’t ever talk to me all he is interested in is himself, and work. He’s worked all holidays , all weekends and has given up all his vacation time and to boot, its all on the midnight shift. He doesn’t live in the house with me he would rather eat sleep in his garage! he put an addition on his garage thats an apartment, kitchen, heated and air conditioned and in his spare time he built all the furniture. We each have gone our separate ways for years.

  8. Dawn says:

    Hi! I have been with my husband since we were teens ,We are now In our early 40’s we have 2 kids. 1 is 17 1 is 23 we have had ups &downs and for the most part It has been good. My husband is a good provider ,sweet, loving and is fun when we around other people. I know he loves me but the problem is the older we got the more we grew away from each other. We barely have sex, I don’t find myself sexually attracted to him. Sex is boring no kissing, touching foreplay. Its just BORING! He seems content with it but I am not. I need intimacy. I cheated in 05′ because of it. He was SO HURT when he found out. It was ruff for a year. In 07 he paid me back. He cheated. We both got over it and moved on and tried to rebuild the marriage but now on top of the sex issues he is a HUGE complainer about any and everything, its annoying. So much I hate to be around him. He always fusses at our kids about household chores (yes, they are still in the house) it is getting old. He does not care about the little things I ask him for. weekend get-a-ways, flowers for no reason, sweet gestures of any kind. He totally ignores my request. In a nut shell I feel trapped in a boring relationship and I want out! It would kill him emotionally because I know he loves me but he does NOTHING to keep our marriage alive and is not willing to try. I have asked him many times for spice in our lives and he just cant or wont even acknowledge the idea. I think he sees me as somebody to help him pay bills so he doesn’t have to struggle so hard. I feel used, like more of a roommate then a wife. I love him but I really want to move on. I just want to know how to end the relationship without all the drama. I wish he would just say he secretly feels stuck too and agrees a divorce is a good idea but he wont because his other bill payer will be gone and he will have to pay bills alone. Plus, he don’t want to see me with anyone else. He wants to hold me down for his benefit. I’m just not happy and i’m tired of pretending to be happy with him and for our families. I don’t have another man but I think I deserve 1 that cares enough to want to make me happy .I am a habit to him, simply a habit. Help, any advise, anyone???

  9. Kim says:

    Hi,
    I had a past relationship and I considered it as a bad relationship, he was MATERIALISTIC,he loves to Buy expensive stuff while our 2 kids don’t get nothing,He was also Abusive to our kids
    He beat them like a big man,while the 2 of them was 7 and 3,so then I left him,and after 6 years of being single I tried to open my heart and eyes again to other Man,at first I was so in love with him,Everything I could just to make him happy I tried,be a house wife,cook and take care of him like a king,But suddenly after 8 years it’s become sour and sour,Everyday argument and nothing in common,I noticed all of these since start but because I want to hold on to our marriage and I love him I just ignored Everything,But everyday I felt like In Hell,while i write this My tears is on my face,Because I’m still want to hold our Marriage,how can I restart again?where do I go?For now I feel like to end my life,not because I love him…but because I feel that it only way to stay away from him,I have enough,we don’t have problem about Money,financially,but attitude he is not sensitive person that he don’t really care what he said if could hurt my feeling or could kill me,so I depend my self as i could but not in physical aspects,Now i really want to have peace of mind,should I leave or Give another chance,I will give you guys and example of how he treated me,when I want to kiss him before he leave he said I’m to sweet and he’s friends wife was same but she was cheated on him,,,,when I tried to Discipline my son he said I harassed him,but he’s son’s on previous marriage just called him on he’s name,so i don’t really want it happen to my kids,,,and we start argued and argued,I just want him to understand that i wasn’t harassed the kid..I just told him that he is grounded because of shouting at me with anger,so the kid recognized it and he admitted is not right..but he insisted that i harassed the kid…not only that it’s a lot of things that we really agreed each other…so maybe it’s time for me to move on…

    • There now says:

      It time to move on, if he harassed your kids, time to move on. You need to have peace in your life and so does your kids. I work with a woman who was married 3 times. She told me sometimes they made me wake-up. First you need to have peace in your life Not going home to a home where every thing in a up roar. second you need to take care of yourself, heath wise. Your first alone, your going to be scare in normal, but you will get over it and move on.

  10. Daisy says:

    After 20 years of marriage, I found out that my husband was having an affair with one of my friends. i was devastated. i told him to stop and never told her that i knew. they didn’t. they carried on and 6 months later i discovered a message on his phone. i subsequently hired a PI and got back proof of the their meetings etc. I told her husband and we confronted them both at once which they denied until i showed them the report from the Pi. i would like to believe they have stopped. i chose to stay in my marriage because i truly believe that it was from God and being a follower of Jesus, i wanted to do things God’s way. 6 years later, i am still married to my husband and through many days of crying, tears and prayers, i began to change. changed the way i looked at things and changed my approach to him and to things. i did not blame myself for the choices he made but decided to let God work in my life. i looked at being a submissive wife as unto the Lord and although it was tough at times, i followed through. saw a wonderful change in my husband and am glad i did not walk out of my marriage. what i am saying is that that although the other spouse does the ‘bad deed’, we should also look to make changes in our lives to better the relationship. Glory to God for what he is doing in our lives and i pray that we love and serve as unto the Lord. God bless

  11. dorcas says:

    Hi, I got married at 22 for 11 years now, for the past seven years my marriage has hit rock bottom.We have three kids and am only 31 years.my husband has been cheating year in year out, i got fed up and cheated on him too and now he is blaming me for his infidelity. he is now married to onother and have a kid but he still insists am his wife.am so fed up of talking to him and trying to work out our marriage while he is not willing. I am taking in all this because of my children and because God hates divorce. what do I do.i feel so desperate and I fear for my health.my kids too are affected because daddy is never around.he told me I should live with it since he is not going to leave the other woman,
    the worst is every year he has a different woman.

    • Dorilyn says:

      check out Jeremiah 3:8 where God wrote Israel a bill of divorcement. Sometimes divorce is necessary…not always. we try to work it out… but divorce does not make you a second class citizen. :)

    • ShaRon says:

      Hi Dorcas,(or anyone who needs this)
      Know that God loves you and he does not want to see his child being hurt nor in such situation. In 1 Corinthians 7:15 the word speaks of the unbelieving partner leaving and you not being enslaved because God wants you to have peace. Also, Matthew 5:31-32 the word says that divorce is permited for the case of fornication outside of your marriage.. any other reason will be an issue.. Truly our emotions get too wrapped up in what went wrong and not really looking at life as it’s passing by. There are soo many things you have to accomplish here and God does not want you in bondage or a slave to a man that does not have the love of God in him which means he doesn’t know how to love you nor look beyond his own selfishness not only that you will be dealing with this other woman and child for the rest of your life -that is not a marriage- that is bondage. Your husband broke your vow to you and most importantly God a long time ago. We have to embrace the truth, pray for peace, listen to God’s spirit as he speaks to your heart, get in your Word-so you may know who you are in Christ and have peace. Do this for yourself it’s apart of loving you by doing this you will show your children how to trust God to help them and most of all they will learn from their mother that no matter how a situation looks you can move forward and still have a wonderful life… It will definitely be a process but one worth accomplishing.

    • A says:

      Hi, sorry you are going through this. You’ve tried, but you cannot change morals, you can’t instill character, you can give your opinion of right and wrong until you are blue in the face but if he wants to keep justifying hurting you he will keep doing so. It’s unhealthy for you and if you stay involved your allowing him to deteriorate what bit of self esteem you have left. God doesn’t want suffering, just know your a good person, you’ve given your best…save that energy and effort for someone who deserves it. That person is you, take good care of yourself, focus on moving forward and making yourself happy and healthy so you can be 100% there for your kids. Unconsciously we set the example of how people are allowed to treat you, even if we feel we’re sacrificing for our children, they may just see it’s ok for men to dismiss, neglect, betray, hurt and disrespect women. That’s “part of the family life”, if you really sit down and feel you put up with far more than you’d expect someone to put up with from you (or far more than you morally could dish out) enough is enough. Give the kids extra love and attention they need it. Take care of yourself too and good luck.

  12. Dawne says:

    I have been married for 21 years.. It’s been a rocky marriage. A lot of verbal and sometimes physical abuse. I found out he was talking to other females about our relationship and told him how I felt but he didn’t care. So I started to shut down and avoid him by going out the friends. Never cheated on him. I left him in October because I just couldn’t take being miserable and feeling unloved.. We started to get back and spend time together and got back to us.. Everything was great he told me he loved me. And wanted me back.. I decided to surprise him and moved back home only to find that he really didn’t want me back.. He told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore and he is seeing someone.. I’m devasted and not understanding how someone can just stop loving someone in that short of time span.

  13. Marie says:

    I have been married for 12 years, we have 1 child. I became detached from my husband in our marriage about 2 years ago. I did have sex with him but I didn’t really want to. We have tons of major financial issues that basically broke our marriage. We both work, he is self employed and we have been in bankruptcy, sued, foreclosure and everything else. Well at some point we decided that the marriage wasn’t working and that we should move on with our lives so we could both be happy. But wait all of a sudden my husband reconnects with a old gf and now he is in a relationship with her! He says that I did this to our marriage and this is all of my fault! His words, I put him on an island and he felt alone and unappreciated and unwanted. I say well I told you that we need counseling, the business, the bills and the $$$ issues are wearing me down. It’s like we were both screaming something but neither of us wanted to hear what the other was saying. I told him that he cheated because we are still married, but he says that the marriage is over and he didn’t cheat. Crazy enough since this has happened I actually want to have sex with him, I want him to hold me but he won’t. He says I hurt him so bad, but I told him nothing can compare to the hurt that I am feeling knowing that he is with another woman. I wonder does he even feel bad? Does he care that he is hurting me? Does he think about even trying to communicate with me to come to a better place? I have soooo many emotions all at once, I can’t think straight! Why do I now want him to want me, when I didn’t want him? What do I do?? Does he love this person that rescued him from this island where he felt unwanted and unloved? Just how do I ever figure this out?!?!?

    • Joey says:

      I too have been married for 9 years now. My husband disappeared every 4 or 6 months for about 1 week or 2 weeks. the last disappearing act he pulled lasted two weeks, he came home and took all of his clothes. When he came inside the house to get his clothes, my daughters and I left, didn’t return til 2 hours later. All his clohtes were gone. I was devasted but this has happened in the past so I didn’t feel as bad, the anxiety, the anger, and pain wasn’t as bad anymore. I made up my mind to divorce him. First the restraining order, then the marriage for divorce. I do not know why men have no feelings. I wish he could have fought for us or to come back. During the restraining order hearing he did mention we could work this out and that was about it. He doesn’t contact us nor our kids. At times I feel so bad but I am working on moving on. It is very very hard, at times I get on my knees and pray, or yell and scream driving back from work. I have heard he is already with another woman, driving around being seen in town, he is traveling with her. I do not know the woman yet, I am hesitate but the truth will come out. I am afraid of the feeling of betrayal, being abandoned. It is hard but I have made up my mind to get a divorce.

  14. nicole says:

    HI my husband and I have been married for 15 years and together for 20 years, I have been with him since I was 19 he was my first real boyfriend and the only person I have ever loved. We have always had many problems in our marriage mostly financial. He has been in and out of jobs his whole life. I had enough of it three years ago and we lost our house and were evicted because we could not pay the rent. I moved into my parents with our three children and told him to sort it out. He got a job, got given money from a trust and rented a new house for us. He became the husband and father I needed him to be. Then as soon as we move in he tells me he lost his job, soon after he became really sick and was on a drip for several months and nearly died. For two years he took time off to recover but we were falling deeper into debt and getting very behind on all our bills, he did not care and spent all his time in the bedroom on the computer getting drunk and talking to women online( I told him i did not care if he did and hoped he would meet someone and leave me – he didn’t, when I bring this up now he said he did it because he believes i was cheating on him and he did it to hurt him – i didnt cheat on him) he became rather nasty to me and would tell me how to dress and treated me with disrespect, he went into black moods and ignored me a lot. Once I wore a shirt he hates and he told me I dress like an ugly c*nt. I left I refused to speak to him, he tried to apologise but I ignored him I had enough, so he turned up at my work ( a high school) with usb’s full of dirty pictures and videos of me and told me if i did not come home with the kids he would spread them all around the school. I went home I did not know what else to do, I was terrified. I hated him and knew if I let everything fall apart we would lose our house again , which eventually happened and I moved home to my parents again. He went up north I figured he hated me and did not think he would return, I was lonely and devastated at how my life had turned out. I got in contact with an old friend who was male and we hung out, we got pretty trashed and I ended up sleeping with him, at the time in my haze I thought it wasn’t that wrong because I had always been accused of cheating with him when I hadn’t so i figured it was ok and because of all the online affairs my husband had. (though my husband does not think it is cheating if it is online but that rule only applys to him). My husband did return from up north when I picked him up he yelled in my face, he hadn’t missed me at all and I felt no guilt for what I had done because I didn’t feel like my husband loved me. We stayed separated but we were still in a relationship, I could not bring myself to end it as I do really love him despite how he has treated and neglected me. My husband found out about my cheating and confronted me, I did not see my friend again and stayed away and decided the best thing I could do was work on our relationship I did tell him he should leave me but he refused. It has been about 7 months since all that happened, my husband and I are trying to keep our relationship going, he practically lives with us again and is always here, he got a job and is nice to me and does not put me down or call me names now. but he doesn’t trust me he writes lists of all these people some I don’t even know that he thinks I have slept with. I also found phone numbers of random women in his stuff and messages from a girl from his work (he claims they are just friends) he changed his facebook and email passwords and refuses to let me see them, on saturday he didn’t get home till 3am said he was out at a workfriends birthday and claimed he didn’t cheat but I know how much he likes to get revenge on me. It is so hard to know what to do, no matter how much I tell him it’s over he wins me back I fall back into it, but there is no trust in our relationship on either side and I am so sick of crying every day. My instict tells me that he is seeing someone else and just using me untill he finds somewhere to live, I feel like I am going crazy and getting really depressed.

  15. Steven says:

    I met my wife 15 years ago, I was possibly on the rebound but I met her, she was fantastic, I was attracted to he looks, her intelligence and her heart and kindness. We got engaged after maybe a week. Married for 13 years now and we have fought from the start essentially. My wife has a problem with showing intimacy, doesn’t particularly like kissing and was a virgin too at a relatively late age. Sex has rarely been making love, in fact my wife doesn’t know the difference, she says we have sex because I love you. I always have to initiate everything from conversations, intimacy, holidays even, and so I feel I am hung out to dry since often conversations get turned down, always if its something to do with our marriage and often I get turned down for sex. She does like me snuggling into her on the couch, me rubbing her hair, things like that. When we converse we always seem to be talking past each other, she never seems to get what Im talking about, feels I am picking on her, its frustrating even when I tell her thats not what I mean.
    A few years ago I had two affairs, somehow we got back together and had a child who we love very much. For ages we got along really well. My wife lost her job and with it her confidence. Somewhere in there we stopped doing things together and now have little in common and not much to talk about yet I love talking. Instead of concentrating on what was worrying me I busied myself with my career and study and so forth. Then I met someone who was going through something similar to me, we talked a lot and decided we had so much in common. I started trying to initiate conversations with my wife and she just got defensive so I moved out of her bed a year ago. That was a big thing for me. She seemed not to care though she tells me now she did. I decided I was going to leave her and told her about the other woman. She wanted me back, to go to counselling but I couldn’t see the point, she wouldn’t talk. She wanted us to go away for a week to get our love back, I agreed but then changed my mind. I didn’t want to work on our marriage, I was angry and looking forward. Then something happened. I had a complete back flip. I looked at all the history my wife and I had and I didn’t want to lose it. I wanted my daughter raised in a proper family. I started seeing my wife completely differently and felt closer to her than ever and my wife now wanted no part of me. She wanted to move out, its over she told me repeatedly, I couldn’t accept it. I got frustrated and slapped her on a couple of occasions and then the friends got involved and have been trying to drive a wedge between us. This has now been going on almost 6 months. We’ve been to counselling four times and each time she says she wants out yet afterwards she relents. She wants us to stay together for our daughter but I want to stay together for all of us. I don’t want a friendship, I want a marriage. This week she has told her friends we are going to try and make a go of it and strangely I feel worse. I feel like my wife has made herself out to be a martyr for staying with me. She still wants the snuggles in bed, holding hands, but nothing else saying sex may never happen again. She’s hurts, she’s not bitter like she was for weeks and week but she stuck in the hurt and blaming me for everything. I feel if my wife would start talking, trying to work on her side and I am prepared to work on my side I feel we could finally have a great marriage. Its almost like the other woman taught me how to love. She’s still my friend in the background, she’s opened my eyes. Back how can I open my wife eyes to what a great marriage can be like. We seem both so damn pig-headed! Advice?

    • Ian says:

      Hey Steven,

      Your story has a number of similar traits to my experience along the lines of early marriage with early rejection. As I had shared with Amanda most females don’t realize how much a man really need validation even though we don’t ask for it.

      It seems that sex has become grossly mis-understood between a husband and a wife today. Most females/wives after the novelty of the wedding romance wears of seem to convert the act of “love making” to “having sex”, while believe it or not most men are still identifying the same act of “sex” as emotionally connecting with his bride/wife in the sense of “love making”. In other words when a woman (hopefully its our wife Steven…Smile) desires you and initiates the act of having sex, we convert that action to “wow my wife is expressing and desiring a love towards me that I truly appreciate and I must respond in like fashion asap with doing the things that she deserves and looks forward to… Is that not correct Steven?

      Sex, personally I believe has become so contaminated today because of its casual, abusive and desensitized handling and management, that when entered into today under marriage its no longer a valuable, private, precious, anticipated and unique in expression. As a man, reading your post, if I were to replace every instance of the word “sex” with the words ” the opportunity to express love” you could easily see the language barrier broken and get a different appreciation for what you are saying, but its how we (men) speak :)

      Its not easy guy but hang in there and be encourages. I appreciate this site and thanks to the prayers and advice of Laurie you get to leave with a solution and if not a solution, you realize that your not alone in this daily walk of life, together I truly believe we can get through it, so be encouraged. Steven I have suffered similar and its painful for your wife to learn that you have gone out on her and I would encourage you to give her your ear as you try to learn exactly whats mixed emotions she has in her back pack because its sounds like its loaded and its made up with zips and snaps that require some patients to unlock, open, unpack, sort and repair.

      Just as valuable is your desire for her to express that physical interest in you (I understand your pain …read my post if you have doubt), but your wife also has an un-posted story that you in the most gentle way can get her to post in your personal blog. Steven your situation in no way appears to be easy or minor, so I would like to encourage you in-spite of it that you work on it as if you were investing in a pure no strings attached relationship friendship and aim at helping her to unload her backpack, you would be surprised to know whats in it up, who loaded it for her and how long its been in there.

      Excuse my grammar

    • Jeremy says:

      Steven,

      You openly admit that you slapped your wife on a couple of occasions, and then seem clueless as to why friends are trying to drive you apart.

      I sincerely hope your wife does leave you and reports you for domestic violence.

      • SET says:

        I second this! Not to mention that the two affairs that were mentioned have probably left an enormous wound in her heart that has not been repaired. Especially since you mention you are still “friends” with the woman you fornicated with!!! Sex can be a very different experience for men and women and it is very painful when a husband goes outside the marriage for sex instead of repairing the problems in the marriage! (Likewise I imagine it is painful if the roles were reversed. )

  16. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Amanda,

    It sounds like you want so much for your marriage to work, you’re ignoring all the warning signs. It’s totally understandable – we just want our relationships to be smooth, happy, loving, and peaceful. Of course we do! Disconnection and separation don’t feel good to healthy, happy people.

    You asked what to do…I think the first thing you need to do is get a job. Why are you totally financially dependent on your husband? It’s just not smart! Even if you and he save your marriage and live happily ever after, you need to have your own income, your own career, your own life. Don’t make your husband your life. That’s a recipe for disaster.

    The second thing you need to do is get emotionally and spiritually healthy. It sounds like you’re anxious, scared, unhappy, and spinning around in circles! You need to take a deep breath, and ground yourself. Find an anchor. Get your self in order. Calm down, and start thinking rationally about your life and your marriage. Call a women’s distress or help line if you don’t have a good friend to talk to. Reach out, and get support. Don’t allow your husband total control over your life and marriage – start taking action towards getting healthy, strong, and happy.

    My prayer for you is that you find the strength you need to cope with these signs your marriage is over. I pray for wisdom, courage, independence from your husband, dependence on God, and faith in your future! I pray that you find faith in yourself, hope in your life, and security in your relationships. May you surround yourself with people and resources who can help you be the best Amanda you can be, who can love you and be loved by you. May you see yourself the way God sees you: valuable, lovable, unique, and infinitely worthy of a good man and a good marriage.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • Amanda says:

      You say I’m ignoring the warning signs. What do you mean by that?. Yes I would love to work but some health issues are making that hard. I love him and he tells me he loves me. He swears that he will never chest again

  17. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Ian,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on how Amanda could reconnect with her husband! I thought they were so valuable, I shared them in this article: http://whenlovebugsyou.com/how-to-get-your-husband-back/

    My thought for you is that if you and your wife haven’t been able to heal your marriage after 18 years of marriage…I don’t want to say that you should give up hope, but it sounds like you’ve tried everything. You see all the signs your marriage is over, but you just don’t want to leave your wife and kids. I get it! Divorce is painful and terrible for the whole family. Even friends and relatives are negatively affected by divorce.

    But, as heartbreaking as divorce is…living in an unhappy, stressful, toxic marriage is worse for you, your wife, and your kids.

    My prayer is that you find healing. I pray for healing in your marriage, healing in your soul, and healing emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. I pray that God revives your marriage and performs a miracle in your relationship with your wife. I also pray for acceptance, wisdom, and guidance for you. May you seek God’s heart in all the decisions you make about your marriage and your future. May you accept His will, His desires, and His guidance for your life. I don’t know what the future holds for you, but God does. I pray that you can rely on Him, turn to Him, and lean on Him as you move forward. I pray for health, for healing, for restoration in your life. I pray that you find hope and faith, and that you open your heart to any possibility that God might bring you. Be open, be willing to follow His will even if it’s painful. Trust Him. Give your life over, and He will take care of you.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  18. Ian says:

    I married my wife 5 months after meeting her. We have 2 children who have been diagnosed with sickle cell but they are doing great now. My wife had distanced herself about three years after we married. I would reach out trying to find out what happened and how I might be able to help her. After many years go her closing up I then felt so confused and began to think that she had regrets that she married me, that she was molested and going through a crisis, that was in an affair, that she was still in love with an ex-boyfriend and missed him… my mind went crazy. I suggested over the period of 15 years that we seek counseling but it was often refused, went bad or yield no real results.

    Well last year after 17 years of marriage after noticing a real odd change in her behavior I was able to secure a recording of my wife with some guy discussing how she wanted to have sex with him, and him telling her he didn’t want to have sex with her. She was at his residence in the evening while I was having a life talk with our teen son helping him with issues he had been facing, and trying to reach her to make sure that she could pick our daughter up before night fall from ballet. Needless to say my heart sank when I listened and heard the conversation. I confronted her and she lied about who he was, and what happened until I revealed to her the details.

    I am so confused and with mixed emotions right now. I don’t know if I can trust her, the fact that she lied and never came forth and confessed it willingly nor has she come to me and offered an apology, its been causing me to feel distant, broken and numb to life and love. I don’t see her as a companion, partner and wife anymore, but yet I feel for the sake of not wanting to see our children suffer a broken home and with their illness possible health issues, I feel trapped and doomed to loneliness, stress and duress. Anyone who can help me please for God sake offer your help, I am falling apart mentally, physically and emotionally.

    Thank you and God Bless

    • Amanda says:

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’ll never truly understand why people cheat. I’m in the same boat with mixed feelings and emotions. My husband recently told me he has slept with 4 girls. So I know how u feel. If u love you’re do whatever u have to too keep her. Ask her why she is doing what she’s doing. Ask her what do u need to change to make her happy.

      • Ian says:

        Hi Amanda,

        “excuse the grammatical and spelling errors”

        Sorry that you had to experience such darkness. There is a bright side to your situation, your husband was honest in telling you about it. While thats not much to take at face value, but it means a lot if you know how to interpret it correctly.

        1. He told you about the 4 women, then made a statement that it was because he couldn’t feel you in the relationship. But you feel that he is in error because you home all day and going to the ends on the earth to ensure that everything is in order, right. Well you have a legitimate right and he to has one if given the opportunity to be heard out.

        Convert his non-sense and this is what he is more likely saying –
        1. He needs you to recognize and compliment for his hard work and dedication of being a provider (this is fuel and supercharges a man to become superman for his family)

        2. Know that every man has a little boy within him that needs to be mothered (and I mean every man). Well that little boy is no different than any other little boy who need his parent or guardian to nurture and speak to his ego, get involved or share in his interests or hobbies (hang out in his world, support him in his business, order a football, special kind of tool, or interesting little trinket unique to him from online). Time spent is more valuable the money spent in most case.

        3. Break the routine and reach out to him, make it clear to him that out of all the men in the world, he is the one that floats your boat and thats what your live for and you couldn’t ask for more or better. Reinforce your commitment that your aiming for old age, retirement and death to be the only separator. Believe it or not while we are natural hunters, we need to be hunted more often that you think.

        4. Speak life to him with actions more than words. We appreciate words but we are more action oriented than talk. Convert the words to action, if you say you are there to support him try identify the areas he needs the support and let him see it.

        5. The problem with us as human is we get used to good and nice things quickly, and we end up changing the game without letting the players know that the rules have changed against them. What I mean is that your home working so hard to keep order and please him, and I’m sure at the onset he complimented you and made you feel like you were going a great job with such an important part of dream. And you to also recognized him for his hard work. But eventually your contribution becomes like the air you breath and his contribution becomes the chair your sitting in or the bed your laying on, you know its there but you don’t pay any real attention to it now that its novelty has worn. Find a way to make it new again so that you can appreciate it in a new and special way.

        Just wish I could find some way to bring the same balance and solution to my life. Its so messed up that I feel that I have the solution to your problems and my life is a mess right. Anyway if it means anything to you, then God bless you with the results.

        Anyway Amanda I am thankful to you for reaching out with words of understanding. Its been a long rough road. I spoke with her over and over. She says she is sorry but her actions are just the opposite. The situation has made me sensitive and has caused me to be more observing of her, and its not something that I want to do but I find myself doing. I love my children and don’t want to be thought of in their eyes as the cause for the family falling apart and failing. I’m not sure if I love her anymore because she can’t seem to show that she’s truly interested in me/her marriage. I have trying to be the symbol of hard work, a dedicated person, a God fearing man, someone faithful, a father, a husband and its just so hard to wrap my head around this hit. I was of the opinion that a dedicated and committed man is what a woman wants and would do anything to keep.

        I grew up as a “manly man”, and would have done as the norm and walk without thinking twice, but because I gave my life to the Lord more than 20+ years, its got me at a cross road with prayers, stillness, long-suffering, and a bit of confusion also. Just wish I could get some clarity on this. I love family and I have so much love and support to give and no one to share it with. This life can be so frustrating with its curve balls at times.

  19. Amanda says:

    Me and my husband have been married for almost 5 years. We got married very fast. We really didn’t know each other that well. He has a issue with getting on dating sites and talking to woman. Just the other day he told me he has slept with 4 girls. Because he felt I didn’t care about our relationship which is crazy because I told him all the time how much I love him. Well the 4th girl he was with was recently and I’m having a very hard time accepting it. He swears up and down he’s done and he will never ever do it again. But… I’ve heard that before from him. I love him somuch. The thought of him not being in my life hurts so bad. But I can’t trust him maybe the trust will come but right now I’m driving my self crazy scared thinking he’s going to hurt me again. I quit my job when we got married and I feeltotally ddependent on him. So that makes leaving some what harder. What do I do?!?!? Please help me. I’m 26 and he’s 25

    • Karin says:

      Men don’t pay for women and let them get away with it. Its a punishment because you want a free ride. Get a job, your a victim because you want to be one as you quit your job as soon as you got married. Thats slack and if you don’t have kids, don’t have any because he wont be paying for them.

      • Amanda says:

        I have a medical issue that has made it hard for me to work! 2nd off we can’t have kids due to medical problems. I posted this almost a month or so ago.

  20. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Elaine,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing what you’re going through. It sounds like you’ve been thinking a lot about leaving your husband because you’ve observed several signs that your marriage is over. But it’s a difficult decision, no matter how bad a relationship is! You’d think it’d be easy if you’re unhappy in your marriage, but leaving is complicated and painful.

    My prayer for you is for peace and clarity. May you find hope and faith in your future – and your self. May you find courage and strength to follow your heart for your life, and to do difficult things so you can be healthy, fulfilled, and energized. I pray that you keep a long-term vision of what you want for yourself, and that you take one step at a time towards achieving your highest purpose and being your authentic self. May you grow into the life God intends for you, and be the woman God wants you to be.

    I pray you find support and encouragement in your friends, family, and even your neighbors. May you gain courage and strength from the guidance of people, books, websites, and God. May you take time to find yourself, to know yourself, and to be true to yourself. May you take time to rebuild yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically – and may you find joy and peace in whatever lies ahead. Amen.

    I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to come back anytime, let me know how you are.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  21. Elaine says:

    I struggle with feeling judgmental and unfair when I think about leaving my husband. Compared to most of these comments, his “infractions” seem so much more minor. He has not outright cheated on me. He cooks for me, gives me massages, and is still warm and loving. But it feels like too little, too late. We have been together 10 years. We met through my roommate, whom I suspect he kept dating to get closer to me, after he knew he was not interested in her. He claims they were not dating, but my roommate insisted they were. That was the first red flag I ignored. The first time I went to his house for a proper date, there was a dead cockroach on the bathroom floor. It was there ten dates later. That was another red flag I ignored; to this day his housekeeping is atrocious. About a month in he was evicted and I got wind that his dad had helped him pay off his rent balance – while he had simply quit his job with no explanation. Another red flag. Now I know it was because his mom had recently left his family. This sucks because he has a heightened sensitivity to the concept of divorce. Nonetheless, he did not work for the majority of those years we’ve been together; he was perfectly capable, but three years into unemployment, one time, he admitted he had just stopped looking, but had lied to me saying he was still applying. It was not the lack of money that I minded – it was the deceit and lack of responsibility/motivation. Despite these things I still loved him very much and married him with some reservations, five years ago. He did not help much with wedding plans nor did he work to contribute to pay for the wedding. Whenever we had financial difficulties, he would ask his parents for money instead of trying to solve it himself, even if I asked him not to. Meanwhile he had serious video game addiction issues which have persisted into his thirties. We had an agreement that I would get him through CMT (massage therapy) school while working full time, then he would support me while I finished school full time. Here we are years later. He has his certification and is working with his education, and I am in my fourth year of part-time school, working full time at the same job I have for almost 8 years now. There is no indication that I am going to get to quit working at my grueling accounting job, or that he will hold up his end of the bargain to allow me to finish school full time. He has disrespected my friends openly. He has screamed at me in public, humiliating me, when we had an argument over the fact that I didn’t want to have a threesome with him. He insisted that if that was not going to be an option for us, then he wanted a divorce. He yelled this in front of dozens of bar-goers who stared at us openly. I should have taken him up on it but instead I suggested an open relationship (which I realize now was a mistake.) We tried it for about two weeks with terrible failure. It introduced a lot of pain. He thinks it made things better and tries to act like nothing is wrong. I am devastated and feel betrayed, confused, and on top of it all now I have feelings for somebody else. So he has not outright cheated on me, physically hurt me, or anything extreme. But all of these factors build a big ball in my gut that’s telling me to run, no matter how much love I still feel for him. I have never lived alone as an adult and I feel this is a mistake and I have a lot to learn about myself before I enter into any other relationships, and after I exit this one – if I ever do, or can.
    Our lease is up in two months and we already know we are going to move. I just don’t know if I will be moving in with him again. When I told him this, he completely lost it and apologized, saying he never wanted to live without me. It tore me up so badly that I gave in and said we could stay together, although that was not what was in my heart. Again, it feels like too little, too late. I don’t know what to do. I know I had my part, in being too passive, ignoring warning signs, and not going with my gut – also being cold and inaccessible at times. I feel so loyal to him and love him, but the hurt has taken over to the point where I am no longer sexually attracted to him and I find myself thinking about leaving more than I do about staying. I know you cannot tell me what is right for me but I would appreciate any words of wisdom or encouragement you may have. I have never dealt with this kind of pain before.

  22. Laurie says:

    If you see the signs that your marriage is over – even if you’re still living under the same roof with your spouse – may you find peace and clarity. My prayer is that you are able to move forward emotionally and spiritually, socially and physically. May you find healing in the support of other people, books, activities, God – whatever brings you joy and acceptance. May you accept what cannot be changed, and move forward in ways that can bring positive change to your life.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  23. Agnes says:

    I met my husband when I was 15. We got married when we’re 19. I had a shitty childhood and loved this man completely with all my heart because of the way he treated me. I always felt like I was the only person in a room with him because he was so loving and attentive. Despite marrying so young he worked hard and finished college and graduate school while I worked and raised our sons. We always had it all. As we got older my husband gained some weight but I never noticed. It never bothered me. The kids grew up and I thought we could focus on us now. Then one day he came home and says the doctor got the insurance company to approve weight loss surgery because of his high blood pressure and border line diabetes. As a family we sat down and talked about it and after raising our concerns we agreed to it. I should have known it was not a good thing because I later found out he only pretended to ask when in fact the surgery had already been scheduled for the following week. Well, he had it done and I havent stopped living my nightmare since that day. He lost the weight but I also lost the man I knew. He lost the weight, he got a new wardrobe, he got lasik, he got his teeth fixed and he packed his bags and said he needed time to think. He came back after a few months because his own mother told him how wrong he was but I knew in my heart he didnt want to come back. He barely speaks to me, touches me or even looks at me. I cry silently every night in my sleep. He has taken up cycling so he’s gone every weekend. I think he came back because of our two new grandaughters but not for me. I work, clean, spend time with my sons and their wives and my granddaughters but I’m so heartbroken and lonely. I cry in the shower because I miss the man before the surgery. I cry at work. My friends tell me to leave, walk away. My oldest son has asked why are we still together when we look so unhappy? It broke my heart when he asked when did it go bad?

    I’m 48 and have been fortunate enough to look a lot younger for my age, I’m thin so I’ve never struggled with my weight and my girlfriends all have the perfect guy for me. Everyone tells me to leave and I will have no problem finding a husband that adores me. The problem is that I did have that husband and I loved him with all his faults. I don’t know who this thin guy is who takes an hour to get ready, ignores me and barely speaks to me. I want the man that was heavy, had bad eye sight and wore dentures but treated me and loved me like I was a queen. He use to love to cuddle, reach for my hand, kiss me at every opportunity. Recently as I was crying over my situation my girlfriend asked why are you doing this to yourself? I told her I hoped he would gain the weight back and become himself again. And it’s just not me. We had lots of friends that loved him, Most of our friends don’t like the thin him – some have completely cut him/us off. One friend called him an arrogant jerk. No one likes this skinny guy. I’m hoping its a mid life crisis, a phase. Am I wrong?

    • Stefy says:

      Agnes,
      I just couldn’t read this and not say something which I really NEVER do. You don’t have to be lonely. I really wish all of you can Fall in LOVE with yourself. Seriously, please find a new something to do. I find sometimes we can become too enmeshed with another person and they determine our happiness level. When quite often if we will just find some things outside of our relationship to bring some joy to our lives it may draw your husband close to you again. What drew your husband to you in the first place. What is it your interested in. Hobbies other things you may have wanted to pursue in life. You are alive and there are so many places to find ways to get your needs met outside of depending on your relationship. My guess is you are co-dependent…I am so it is easy for me to recognize. I highly recommend working on yourself as a way to improve your marriage and possibly saving it. In no way am I saying anything is your fault. I’m just saying based on your story and comments. I’m not a professional either, just someone who’s been through some stuff in life like everyone else.

  24. Jessica B says:

    My husband and I have been together since high school. We recently got married in 2013. I truly feel that he no longer wants to be with me and that our relationship is just one of convenience. All of the signs listed above are acted out in his behavior everyday. He does tell me he loves me but if he gets mad at me he says a lot of very very hurtful things to me. I get up set with him sometimes too but I never say the things he says to Me nor do I try to make him feel like a horrible person. I never say things I don’t mean when I’m angry because I never want him to think that is how I feel about him and I know once you have released it it is out there. After he says all these mean things to me he wants me to act as though everything is alright and tells me I need to smile and be happy etc. but I’m feeling like I could crawl up in a ball and die. I want to scream at the top of my voice until it’s gone and tell him how much of a horrible person he is, but I can’t because I have never been that type of person. I do try to talk to him about how he makes me feel but it gets no where. Another thing is he always comparing me to other women and saying things like I want you to look like this or wear this or that instead of accepting me for who I am. Also his mother live with us so it makes it very difficult to communicate and when we do argue I’m always the problem! She never says to him well son maybe you can say things nicer or something! She says absolutely nothing and takes his side all the time. I totally get it her son but if you are describing a type of man you wouldn’t want why would let your son be that? I come from a family where we are honest with each other we don’t pry in relationships but if your the problem we will tell you! Example My auntie told my cousin if she doesn’t stop being so mean to her man who is only trying to help and do right by her than she was going to lose him and might even end up old and alone. It hurt but it was true and I tell you my cousin is a much better wife to her husband who is an amazing man! But if my aunt would have taken her side and not corrected her actions she would have lost a really good thing! She is never afraid to admit this. I don’t think I had a question I really needed to vent. Thanks for listening to my crap.

  25. Ben says:

    Wife of 20 years left me and began affair. Our marriage was truly in shambles. We hated each other. Than why after she leaves and starts screwing another gu am I freaking? Why, even though separated am I feeling shitty? Why pray tell do I want to fix and save our marriage? She is bipolar, has a drug problem and abuses alcohol. She is very unhappy and claims that the other guy takes her to do a different reality but still claims she isn’t sleeping with him. Lie. She is. With all of these facts shouldn’t be easier for me to just let it go. We are divorcing. Again, we hadn’t been in a loving relationship for years. Shouldn’t I just let it go?

  26. Laurie PK says:

    Thank you for being here, and sharing this part of your life. It takes alot of courage to be honest about your relationship, especially if you see signs your marriage is over.

    May you find peace as you move forward in your life – whether you decide that your marriage is over because the signs are clear, or whether you choose to stay and try to fix your relationship. I pray that you find the courage, strength, hope, and faith you need to make decisions. I also pray for healing and love in your life.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  27. anonymous says:

    my husband doesnt want to talk about separation, we were married from 20 years. But technically he is living in her mother’s house and he just visits us once in a while and sleeps at home like once or twice a week and he thinks that it is normal because her mother’s house is close to our house. He feels like has 2 houses and can choose where to stay depending on his mood. His mother is 70 yrs old and is a widow. He says he needs to accompany her as it is dangerous for her to be alone. So I suggested for us to move in with her mother so we can all be together but he refused and cannot give me a reasonable alibi. I’m thinking it could be that he is enjoying so much of the freedom that he has from this situation. Our four kids ‘is not familiar with his presence anymore. Please tell me if Im just being paranoid. I’ll give you a picture of our everyday routine:
    1. I go to the office/ He stays at his mom, working on his motorbike shop.
    2. The children will go to school/ If there is no class like holidays or weekends, the children will fix their own food while my husband eats alone at his mom’s.
    3. I will go home in the afternoon, go to the market, fix food for us.
    4. If he doesnt like the food, he will eat at his mom’s.
    5. We will not see him until the next day.
    6. If he decides to have sex with me then he will sleep at home. The next day he is gone again.

    During his spare time, he would rather spent it with friends. Living more like a bachelor.

  28. sahron lummus says:

    Hi, I just stumbled on this topic and was curious how this turned out for you? My fiancé and I have been together for four years now with the help of solverking and while we love each other very much at the begining there was a time we were going through a rough patch right then for multiple reasons, and I truly mean multiple reasons right then. solverking was able to help my marriage…. google on them am sure they go the same for you… kindly check solverking dot com

  29. Erika says:

    Been married 15 years, I had an affair 12 yrs ago. Confessed and he stayed, however he never dealt with and stayed angry and was very demeaning. 1 1/2 yrs ago I told him I’m done and that even prisoners get out on good time. He went to counseling and has changed wonderfully, however I don’t trust such a quick change nor do I want to trust. I’ve been up and down with leaving, put two different deposits down on apmts. Kept staying out of guilt and the two kids. I’m at a down now and ready to move out again. He’s asking for counseling but explained that I don’t have the fight anymore or desire to work for it. I’m tired of the cycle and need to figure myself out. I know without a doubt he loves me, however I have so much resentment for not ‘changing’ for the 10 yrs I begged and he does now that I’ve got a foot out the door. I know that something is absolutely wrong because I have a wondering heart and mind. This isn’t fair to him nor myself. I know it could be great but I’m tired and exhausted from trying. The unknown scares the crap out of me. Please give suggestions… Am I ‘done’? Am I being ‘selfish’?

  30. rhonda wilson says:

    Been married 15 yrs, he chased me hard during courtship, couldnt get enough of me. Brought me gifts, spent all our time together, intimate very regular and often! 15 years later and 3 teenagers, our goals are still the same; to give our kids the best possible start in life..but its like I’m invisible to him now, no intimacy, no communication, I feel like I give 110% to him and our family and he chooses what he gives. I constantly feel lonely. I think my kids are stable, secure and know they’re unconditionally loved by us..if this situation gets too much for me and I decide to walk away. I just want to be happy..life is too bloody short!

  31. l.a., says:

    husband and i have separated just 3 months after passing of my mother.. he was not there for me through this all because he was busy working. never had time off except for the burial which was his day off anyway. he has now been gone for a month and he still visits me. we still intimate but the distance is getting bigger. not much emotional talk and whenever I ask him when hes coming back he said not to pressure him and he wants me to rebuild my life while hes rebuilding his? when he left i got him tresspassed as he was physically abusive to me before but i never called police on him ever. when he left he never gave me his new address but i found out two weeks later from clues he had given me. i surprised him one day just showed up and he was not very happy but shocked and surprised. he said he likes his privacy and own peace of mind. i told him that in a marriage all should be transparenr. he reassures me that he is not finding or seeing any1 else but i do not know as he still does not know when he is returning home. he said he does not know what he wants yey but likes his own space and works and goes home and relax without me bitching.. i have expressed myself clearly time and time again, he wants me to change but he is not changing his flaws its all my fault apparently. i do not know what to do any suggestions please?

  32. amanda says:

    I have been married for thirteen years and together we have two amazing boys. it definitely has not been smooth sailing the whole way but we always seemed to work thru things and I never realy had the slightest worry about us not always being us. at one point I left my husband and was involved with someone else and I was brutally cruel to my husband because he wouldn’t stop trying to fight for us but I just wanted him to stop because in my opinion after theres that betrayal if you will call it that even though I was leaving him due to his mental torment with his words I still couldn’t fully let go of the man I deeply loved we worked thru it and he swore hed do whatever it took so we cud stay together and aside from the comments frequently to remind me I m a failure up we were so good he worked on the things I needed from him and I actually knew hed be there for forever without a doubt its been three years since and we have been good til six months ago when he started treating me like the past.

    • Kevin says:

      My wife and I are freshly married still compared to most stories on here, 1 1/2 years with a beautiful 10 month old boy with a lady killer smile. I’m a Contractor and my wife is a teacher on mat-leave.
      Every year it’s fairly slow after Christmas but I’ve always managed to pay for what we need to get by.
      This year I was terribly ill and couldn’t finish the job in time to make our January mortgage payment and we had to dip into our line of credit. We are generally debt free other than our mortgage, we don’t use our line of credit, but for her, because we had to use it, that was it, she packed her things, went to her parents house and ripped me apart in front of them to the point where, I need to change, I need to go back school and get a part-time job and that how could I let this happen and that I should be ashamed of myself ( according to her and her parents ).
      Two weeks later I finished the job, I paid double of what I usually pay per month and still taking mental abuse. We’ve had minor fights in the past, but Before Christmas I told her I felt our marriage is growing stronger…after everything I’ve been through I feel we’re at the weakest point we’ve ever been and we’re going to seperate.
      I was willing to change, go back to school and do what I could to make her happy and save our marriage, but the mental abuse on top of ” apparently not having enough money ” has put me in a dark depressing state and I find I don’t know where to turn.
      This saddens me deeply for I won’t be there full time to see my son grow up, I’ll be this figment of a father every other week.
      At times I feel suicidal, a failure and I blame myself for my decisions I’ve made, and other times I feel I married a crazy person that never quite grew up.
      Being married and being a parent there will be obstacles along the journey ahead, unfortunately this tiny issue has caused our family to seperate.
      We owe $900.00 on our line of credit and we have to sell our only house either of us have ever owned and our marriage is over and I’m almost 37 years old.

  33. keenan says:

    Me and my wife have been maried for two years. We have known each other going on 5 years. We had been fighting a lot over stupid little things and in august she moved 3000 miles away to be with her parents. She told me she still wanted to work things out but we had to make some changes. I had tried to stay in contact with her get her to read mariage help books and articles. She told me she wanted some time to just think and wanted her space so I gave it to her but still would say something to her at least once a week then we decided we where really going to work on things and talk every day but often she was to busy or fell asleep and we still Harley talked. She then started to tell me we just needed to get a divorce and it was to late to fix are relationship. I told her we were married and that was a serious commitment I was not ready to give up on and it’s never to late to lay everything out on the table and fix a marriage.she told me that she would think about it and call me back later. She called me 3 hours later said she wanted to work on things but needed to be honest with she had been sleeping with another guy for a month and a half we were seperated but we said we were going to work things out so it still felt like she cheated. She said it was just sex she was just trying to fill the void of me not being there and it was wrong and she wanted to save our marriage. We had been talking or texting every day and it felt like we were making serious progress. Then one day she was supper distant and I was insecure felt like she might be cheating again so flew to see her right away she was still staying with her parents and welcomed me with open arms it was like when we were married again without all the fighting. I spent a week there and it was great. She did have a prior commitment that I didn’t want to make her give up on so we agreed she would come back in a month I went home and bought her plane ticket back then 3 days later today she told me she loves me and wants to work things out but she is not ready and doesn’t think it’s the right time and wants to come up for a week in February but to not move back tell June so we can really work on ourselves and our marriage. This obviously hurt me cause I feel like if she loved me she would just come back. I love her and do want to work things out she tells me that there is no one else and we are going to work on things and she just wants to become a better person and know we aren’t going to fight all the time over little things. I love her and even though it would be difficult for us to stay apart for so much longer I want to work on things I just am afraid that she will go and hook up with someone else again. I am conflicted and hope someone here could give me some advice thanks.

    • l says:

      In marriage you always grow together. It is unconditional love. You can live together and still work on being seperate people or “find yourself ” I am definitely curious of your ages.

      • keenan says:

        Young and dumb lol I’m 20 she is 22 we were together 4 years then married 2 years ago

      • keenan says:

        I’m 20 she is 22 we were together 4 years then married 2 years ago definitely probably should have waited but we were young and dumb and I take marriage seriously and just don’t want to give up on it

  34. Kerry says:

    Well I have just celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary and for a while now everything with my husband is an arguement and the worst part are the arguements about my parenting decisions and how these arguments always take place in front of the children. We have never seen eye to eye about parenting our whole relationship but he has never really wanted to make decision on what the kids cold do where they went or anything but 2 1/2 years ago he started his own business and has been home more with them and now everything becomes an issue. His parenting style is to ask them where they are going and if they need a ride then hamd them money and tell them to have fun. When I am not like that I have 2 daughters 14 & 15 and then I have a 10 year old son and with my kids I have always been strict. Well he is strict at all and I would like my daughters to grow up and do what make something of their lives and be independent women well recently we have been having a lot of pour decision making going on wit our daughters so I have gotten a little more strict with them and they have been testing me a lot well I had been have a stressful day and had asked my daughter to clean the kitchen and she told me NO so I grounded her and told her friend to go home and he came in yelling at me and telling me to go clean the kitchen and to leave them alone and that had really made me mad and so I left but I am not sure if this is going to work since we will never see eye to eye on parenting. What should I do, is my marriage over?

    • Kim says:

      I have the same issue ,I have 2 Son’s from previous Marriage,he has 2 big sons also from Previous,I was shocked that they just Called hes name,and swear in front of me,I wasn’t really appreciate on those behavior,So when I tried to say something about my son he called it HARASSMENT,In front of him we argued,because instead he will give a good words to my son he will criticized me in front of him,this is not what PARENTING IS,NOT he don’t respect me in front of my son he will say something negative and we start argue,I think I have enough now….I’M DONE….I can’t have peace of mind when I’m with Him,so TO LEAVE HIM IS MY ANSWER….AFTER SCHOOL VACATION..I WILL MOVE OUT….

  35. John says:

    My wife and I dated 4 years and were married 10 years when I found out she was cheating on me the entire time with her ex boss. She slept with him once when she was 18 before we ever met. Then continued sleeping with him on and off throughout our dating period including 9 weeks before marrying me. She then continued sleeping with him on and off again throughout the marriage before being caught by his wife. She slept with him one week after our ten year anniversary which I took her to Mexico. She said they never used protection which put me at risk of std’s. I also had a vasectomy after our second daughter so she risked getting pregnant by the other man. After I found out she continued to lie about the details and how many times it really happened. Initially it was one time then twice then over a 9 week period of lies I finally got most of the details out; that it was throughout our entire marriage and dating period. She swears she loves me and always has; that she did it because of her self esteem issues and it made her feel good about herself. She swears she never had feeling for the other man, that it was just sex. I asked her how she could hide it for 14 years from everyone and she said she never felt any guilt, that it made her feel good about herself. It helped her come home happy to the man she really loved(according to her).
    It has been 2.5 years now and I find my self distancing myself from her. I can’t stand to look at her some days and don’t trust her. If she could hide this for 14 years with no guilt, how can I ever trust her again? I don’t believe she ever really loved me, but loved this other man and settled for me because he was married.
    Honestly, I would probably leave her but I have two daughters, 4 & 7 that I love more then my own life. I am terrified of hurting them and messing them up for life. I would do anything for them, including sacrificing my happiness. The problem is the stress from being around her is starting to take a toll on me mentally now. She always wants to kiss me when I come home from work and try to act like nothing has happened. She now makes the comment that I need to get past it and get back to loving her. It has become unbearable to live around her and with her.
    I really need some advice and help. I don’t want to hurt my girls but don’t know that I can last with my wife. My stress and anxiety is terrible. Do I stay for my girls or will they be okay? How negative does divorce effect kids at that age? I can suck it up and last until they are older if it is easier at a later age. I just need some advice.
    Thanks,

    • Bonnie says:

      The question you need to ask is are the benefits of staying with her more than the negatives. My husband cheated – twice – from 7 years to 12 years of marriage. But he is a great father, a great lover and a great provider. I did not leave him and I have 2 well adjusted teen girls who have self-confidence and trust that I am not sure they would have if my husband and I divorced when they were pre-teens. I hated my husband for quite some time, but we have been married for 20 years and I am happy with my decision to stay with him. Even if he cheated again (or I found out he cheated again) I would still be happy I stayed because we have a loving relationship and wonderful daughters. Some of my friends say I am crazy to stay with him, but they have husbands who work all the time or go out with the guys every week or play golf constantly.

    • Eli says:

      You sound like a wonderful husband and a great dad.
      Sounds like a very hard thing to go through.
      You need to take good care of yourself. Maybe consult with a therapist.
      You must be angry and sad and scared.
      You need time to figure it out. The right answer will come at the right time.

  36. Jamie says:

    Please give me advice… I am in my thirties have 3 children and was married for 12 years to an abusive man.. I divorced him 4 yrs ago.. I met this wonderful man that has one child and now we have been married for 9 months… I constantly feel alone.. I always ask him if he loves me and I am always wanting him sexually and just want him to touch hold me kiss me… I in the beginning was very affectionate so I guess I ddint know he wasn’t .. If this makes sense.. I tell him and tell him what I need and he will do it for the time being and then it goes back to the way it was.. So then I just am quiet and don’t say anything then he will keep bugging me about what’s wrong and I tell him and he Responds like I’m silly or none of its true and that he loves me and says when will u just believe me.. He goes his daughter so much attention and I’m just here like do u even see me? Please help

  37. Cynthia Marie says:

    Good morning,

    This is my first time trying to get advise outside my home. Heres my story….

    My husband and I have been married 3 yrs now. Since i met him he has cheated on me. I thought maybe after marriage he would change but I was wrong. Till this day I know he has some one else i have proof he does. But doesn’t admit to it. He says well your going to divorce me any way. Or he says well i need a plan B. But this man has like plan b plan c plan d and so on. When he is with me. He is a whole different person. He babies me loves me buys me everything. He is like the perfect husband. But i just can’t stop him from cheating. Im hopeless i don’t know if i should divorce him or not.

    • Eli says:

      Sounds like he is a fairytale kind of guy….but when he cheats on you…it lowers your self esteem so much…and probably must be very painful.
      At one point it maybe too much to tolerate. But you will figure it out. You need to strengthen yourself from the inside.

    • l says:

      In psychology we did a research on behavior of men who cheat but stay with the wives. The most constant action they did was put the wife briefly on a pedastol. They would dote on the wife pamper her to extents of rubbing feet and washing her hair. The guilt factor is why they respond in the pedestal theory. They no they messed up and want to save the marriage and court you . 7 out of 10 of the men had the Guilt theory. 7 out of the 7 noted it lasted two weeks. 1 week full devotion the 2 week was slowly cutting devotion out . They returned to Thier normal ways beginning week 3. Also only 2 out of 7 of the men admitted affair to the Wife. The question is are you willing to for however long he stays with you to deal with that many times and knowing there will always be a future woman? I would definitely get std work ups done every 6 months and use protection when intimate. In my opinion if Thier are no children involved or it isn’t a mutual open relationship I would run like the wind. My friend is going through the same thing . She is not the same person. She feels like a prostitute maid. He is good to her as far as providing and the temporary pedastol but the feeling of being un worthy and mental anguish he puts her through with his affairs and not caring enough for her mental and physical well being to get counseling or spare her mind and heart by divorcing her….proves he truly doesn’t love her other than it the only woman he will find to accept him back and let him do what and whom with no consequences. Your marriage will be what it is unless you both get counseling together and separate. You deserve better than being a welcome home mat. If both spouses believe an agree on open marriage then all is good. I would bring up having an open marriage and see how he feels about it. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I do not believe in running out and actually cheating on him . I do think you should join an online dating site and have a friend set up fake acct . And let the friend leave comments on how beautiful And strong you are. Ect. Leave out for him to see. He will get a glimpse of the pain and disappointment betrayal you have felt. Sometimes a reality check is a good thing . I’m curious of your age . I know most even elderly people that have been married for 30 yrs have had some form of infedelity. The infedelity was not a constant factor. It was also not a problem before marriage. Prayers and be strong.

  38. Courtney says:

    Hi and thank you for this article. I have 2 friend that I have spoken with bit I would like your opinion also.
    This past weekend I saw my husband on some type of messaging that I knew wasn’t his text message. I let the worst get ahold of me and I found an app with a password on it. The app is for hiding messages, emails, pictures,and videos. I asked him and he said that it is nothin ad that he doesn’t know what I talking about. He went to work and wouldn’t talk to me and when he did he said he don’t care what I have to say or think. He changed passwords to everything so now I can’t see anything. He didn’t come home that night he stayed at a coworkers and they got drunk. He didn’t go to work the next day due to a hang over. We talked something on that day and he said he was coming home. He did come home around 6pm. He said there is nothing for us to talk about or for us to work anything out. He says he don’t care and tht he isn’t leavings because we have a 21 month old together and I am 3 months pregnant now. He would hug me and he did kiss me. He did say he loved me and he did say that he cared about the way that I felt. He didn’t want me to bother him and he says he will never be able to trust me again because I went thru his phone. He did let me lay with him for a little while and he kisses back when I kiss him. I touched his man hood and asked if I could play with him, he said no that he just wanted to be left alone. I went to bed around 10 and he came to bed around 10:30-11 after telling me he was going to sleep on the couch. Whenever I did something he would just say I want to be left alone and then I would tell him ” I am trying to be normal as much as possible for us and that you are going to have to trust that I will change and trust you.”
    That next morning for work he hugged and kissed and said I love you before leaving.

    I guess my questions to you are….
    Am I being to pushy?
    Should I wait for sex to happen on its own?
    Is there hope for us still?

    Oh and by the way we have been together for 4 yrs.

  39. Brian says:

    About a year ago I had several inappropriate conversations with other women , my wife iof 23 years found out and was devastated and hurt . I since fixed my issue and have never done that again, I never had phisical contact with those woman but it hurt her just the same . I’ve tried for a year to rebuild our marriage . She can’t get over it and know we are at a place where divorce is becoming an option . I love her dearly and suggested we get some marriage counseling before we call it quits . She said no . I need help what do I do ?

    • Andrea says:

      “It’s been a year and she can’t get over it.”??? I must say that as a spouse who has been betrayed this statement is extremely insensitive. You cannot put a time table on her healing, and if you wrote this most likely you are making her feel like “how dare you not forgive me yet?” Please understand that the devastation of this type of betrayal is like no other. Your world is flipped upside down from one moment to the next. Your best friend stabbed you in the heart, the person you normally go to to tell your dreams, your hopes, the one you laugh with, the one who knows you better than anyone in the world. It makes you feel worthless and like you’d rather die than live another moment knowing the person you trusted with all your heart betrayed you. So please, if you are truly remorseful and want forgiveness, don’t make her feel like she should be over it just because you decided she should be. I hope it works out.

  40. Mohammed says:

    These signs your marriage is over are helpful but not necessarily applicable to every relationship. My wife and I are going through a very difficult time because we recently had triplets. We seem to be dealing with every one of these signs a marriage is over but I know it’s just a tough stage right now. It will get better, our marriage will get back to being good again. In 18 years.

    • zaheera says:

      18 years is a really long time to bank on.The strain of kids is not always the reason,sometimes its just an excuse for why things are the way they are.And you are worried,or you would not have ended up on this thread otherwise.

  41. Laurie says:

    Dear Derek,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your concerns about your marriage. It sounds like your friends care very much about you – and your wife – and want you to be happy and healthy.

    Have you considered talking to a counselor about your reluctance to confront your wife, and share how unhappy you are? There are all sorts of important things going on in your marriage and life right now; I’m afraid I can’t give you the support you need. It sounds like you’re hesitant to communicate directly with your wife, and you feel helpless and unhappy.

    I encourage you to talk to a counselor, and sort out why you feel unable to make changes in your life. You need to get emotionally healthy before you can have a good, honest conversation with your wife. I believe there are compromised that you and she can make, to make your marriage happy again. The signs in this article that a marriage is over don’t necessarily mean your own marriage is on the rocks….but it sounds like you and your wife have some work to do, before you can reunite. All marriages take work, and relationships that involve the in-laws are a bit more complicated!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • Derek m says:

      Thank you for your reply Laurie.To answer your question I have been to counseling for quite some time. My wife indicated some time ago that she did not believe in it, so I took it upon myself to go. My counselor has tried to help me see things from my wife’s side as well, and she has pointed out that both my wife and I are both unwilling to address things – both as I explained, and my wife has indicated that she is unwilling to discuss how to deal with her parents (she routinely shuts down a conversation if I hint at trying to discuss these things). This is partly why I find myself in this situation. Recently there has been another blow-up and while the waters are calm now, I wonder when the next one is coming because I am sure there will be one.

  42. derek m says:

    Thank you for this article Laurie. Sadly, I see 1 or 2 of the elements mentioned in my own marriage. I am not sure, however, if my wife sees it that way.

    I am in a very difficult situation that I have had trouble finding advice about. I have been married for 6 years, with an 11-year old girl (she is my wife’s from a previous marriage). I have been this child’s ‘Dad’ since she was 3 (her biological father lives in the U.S. and has zero contact with her). The problem is not this; it’s my 2 elderly in-laws.

    At my wife’s insistence, we moved into her mother’s home (she is 90 now). Her father & mother are long divorced; he is 92 & still insists on living in his own home. The problem is that we have NO life of our own now; both these elderly parents believe we should spend ALL our time helping them. My wife, sadly, enables this thinking & frequently ‘teams up’ with her mother to dictate what we are doing on my weekends off. I am not asked what I am doing (or want to do) on weekends off; it is DICTATED to me by my wife & her mother. On my weekends off my wife insists on spending up to 4 hours a day at her father’s. These are NOT social visits; they are entirely about work, and lots of it. This includes, but is not limited to: shoveling snow from his walks, picking up fruit from his trees in the back yard, mowing the lawn & other yard work, getting groceries, bathing him, laundry, etc, etc. I am expected to help with this selfish elderly man (who routinely makes his own demands & shows very little appreciation), and my wife & her mother bitterly resent it if I even hint at refusing to help. I have been physically injured looking after this man & unable to work for 2 months, but my wife & her mother continued to insist that I provide personal care to him (I no longer do). Although home care comes to see him now they are largely ineffective. My wife has 2 brothers who should be helping, but 1 is too far away to help and the second refuses to. My mother-in-law routinely makes excuses for him as he is the ‘most favored child’ in that family. This woman is no better than her ex; she makes frequent demands for very heavy labor in her garden (she believes we should not go on summer holidays & should be content with helping her in her garden all summer). She also demands that I lift heavy tools/equipment (including a cast-iron toilet & sink) from her cottage that has been used as a dumping ground by ‘Papa’ (my father-in-law). Again, my wife’s brother should be helping with this but she will not ask him to. My wife meekly goes along with her mother; even though she acknowledges that my complaints against her mother are legitimate, she says ‘that’s just the way she is – and you just have to put up with it’. Her mother is a bully; she frequently calls our child rude names (‘brat’, ‘imbecile’); yet Grammy is frequently the one who acts like the real brat. She believes that elders cannot be reprimanded as they are entitled to be rude/nasty (to her, this is a right that comes with age). She also thinks that even adults do not have the right to say ‘NO’ to an elder, especially not to her. This woman thinks that ‘there is always something to do around the house’ and that doing things outside the home are wasteful (oddly enough, this mentality doesn’t apply when it comes to her son). This woman even told my 76-year-old father that she wished he & my mother lived closer (they live in another province), as she ‘could put him to work – there are a number of jobs the kids aren’t interested in’!

    My wife frequently says ‘I have so much to do’, and nearly all of it involves looking after her elderly parents. Aside from an annual vacation we do not have a life. We do not do family things together as my wife is always wanting to shop or look after her father (we spend up to 3 days a week doing various things for him). We have not had a date night in 4 years; my wife says ‘I can’t leave Grammy for that; that would be rude'; yet she doesn’t care how I feel about being ignored. Another common excuse is ‘I don’t have time for all that’, because it’s all spent looking after ‘Papa’. I thought if I helped with these two I might see something in return from my wife, such as time with her, but it has just led to more & more demands from these selfish elderly people, which my wife goes along with (she may be afraid of the consequences of refusing, or she believes this is some kind of ‘duty’).

    I suspect my wife may feel trapped by these people, but she has expressed no desire to buy a home with me and for us to have our own home. She would rather we live with her mother. At first I believed in my naivete it could work, but after 6 years I can no longer stand ‘Grammy’.

    My wife suspects something is wrong; I have done a very stupid thing & did not even kiss my wife for almost a month (she had said some very cruel things about my father visiting us). She now suspects a problem but will not try to address it. I am no better in that I have very stupidly allowed this problem to fester, largely because of my fear of saying ‘NO’ to her & her mother (things have gone very badly for me before when I stood up for myself). I have dreaded a confrontation with my wife & her family but I cannot continue like this. My own family & friends worry about my health – that I may have a heart attack, stroke, or develop some horrible disease like cancer because of all the stress this is putting me though. Your insight or anyone else’s is appreciated.

  43. Laurie says:

    Dear Jennifer,

    I can’t tell you if your marriage is over, nor can I give you advice. But, I do have a question for you: is this how you want to live your life for the next 50 or 60 years? I believe that’s the bottom line. Your husband probably won’t change…and he might even get worse as you both age. I don’t know, but it might be something to consider now, while you’re both on the young side of 100 years old! :-)

    My prayer for you is that you find strength, courage, and wisdom to see what the next step is. May you learn to live with unanswered questions and an uncertain future, trusting that this moment is all any of us have. May your self-confidence, self-identity,and energy increase — and may you accept that there will be good days and bad days, fearless days and scary days. I also pray for physical, emotional, and spiritual health. May you find a strong, healthy support network – and may you find and focus on the best in whatever decision you make about your marriage. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  44. Jennifer says:

    I have been wanting to leave my husband since 2005 (we got together in 2003, married in 2007). But a combination of fear for the unknown, financial insecurity (on my side), not wanting to hurt him, hope that it will get better, not wanting to be another divorce statistic, not wanting to disappoint/hurt my parents etc has stopped me from taking the step.

    There is a 20-year age difference between my husband and I and he has three grown-up children from a previous marriage (his wife is deceased – it also wasn’t a particularly happy union).

    I have always experienced a total lack of empathy from him and he seems unable to put himself in my shoes. Ever. He does not treat me like an equal. Never has. He fights me on everything and will never concede, even when he is totally in the wrong. He claims that whatever negative or bad behaviour he has ever displayed, is purely in reaction to what I have said or done. He takes ownership of nothing and shows zero insight in to his own behaviour. Often I say sorry (when I really wasn’t at fault) just to get us on an ‘even keel’ again. I abhor bad atmospheres and tension.

    When I met him he had been on Prozac for a number of years. Then some time later he came off it, then on again and when he retired (six years after I met him) he stopped taking the pills completely. He claimed that in fact he ‘was never depressed’. Since then everything in the relationship has gone pear-shaped.

    He is very intelligent, has had a high profile job until he retired in 2009 and on the surface he seems ‘normal’. However, he cannot connect properly and is often cold, aloof and distant. Also very negative. On a superficial level he gets on with other people but he is also the master of disguise, and a lot of people would never guess as to how he can be. He can be very humorous and quick witted and that was one of the reasons I fell in love with him. But the dark side is always there…

    To disagree with him on anything (even political stuff or current affairs) is dangerous as he gets very angry, very quickly. When I stay calm during a discussion (he prefers to refer to them as arguments – they are not), it seems to irritate him even more and he would dismiss me, refusing to continue the conversation. He never says he is wrong. Or sorry. He is happy to sulk for weeks at a time. He can also be very vindictive, immature and often show little emotional intelligence.

    A person with experience with Aspergers (I asked years ago for advise anonymously because I didn’t want to be disloyal or expose him) reckoned that he could be on the continuum. He certainly ticks a lot of the boxes. I’ve read so much about his behaviour and he also ticks a lot of boxes where Borderline Personality Disorder is discussed. I get very sad when I see how he fits so much of what is described and I just don’t know what to do because he will NEVER admit to having anything wrong with him, let alone seek help.

    I feel sorry for him because I think a lot of how he is he has little control over. I also believe his childhood (an over-bearing mother and a father that was totally emotionally absent) had influenced very much the man he is today. He is hypersensitive, very easily upset and does not like women to be assertive or to have opinions. He of course denies this.

    Our sex life (an important aspect of a relationship to me) has been non-existent for months now and even when we ‘got it together’ before, often I felt dissatisfied, mostly because our lovemaking was so infrequent and lacked intimacy. Affection only surfaces when sex is wanted. I don’t feel I am married to someone that I can also call my friend.

    I am embarrassed to admit it but I have come to realise that we actually have very little in common and even doing something together like going for a walk is a negative experience for my husband…the odd time when he does agree it is obvious that he would rather not be doing it. Now I don’t ask anymore and just do my own thing.

    I also feel less and less attracted towards him with every hurt, every fall-out and every sulk. I am not proud of it but I have been unfaithful. It took me a long time to reach that point.

    I just can’t see how things will change. I know it will impact on him if I leave and I don’t want to be the reason for his unhappiness. I don’t think he necessarily loves me (I don’t take it personally anymore) but from a ‘status’ perspective he would not like it to be known that his wife has left him. The financial implications of a separation/divorce however would be his biggest issue. He does not want to part with anything nor does he feel he should. He’d rather hang on to a mediocre marriage than finish it because of this. I would never ‘take him to the cleaners’ but I do feel he has a responsibility towards me. If I was financially independent I would not have taken a penny from him.

    Some days I feel so strong and I think I can handle it to leave, other days I feel terribly unsure, emotional and vulnerable.

    I am forty-five and fit, with good energy most days. I do however experience a pain in my chest and a burning sensation in my breasts at times and and I fear that the tension and stress will eventually affect my health.

    I have no kids but a number of good friends, here where I live (not my country of origin) and in other parts of the world. Also a wonderful god-child that I adore.

    Should I just recognise that the writing is on the wall, that what needs to be changed can’t be changed, be brave and go out on my own?

    Apologies for the lengthy writings. Any advice would be appreciated!

    • A says:

      Wow, THIS sounds exactly like my husband. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for 12 years… I’m sorry, I have no idea how to help you, as I don’t even know how to help myself. Did you find anything else out about aspergers or borderline personality disorder?

      • Jennifer says:

        Do you intend staying with your husband? Do you think he is capable of changing?

        There are definitely asperger traits that my husband exhibit, most strongly, his lack of empathy. He can feel sorry for others (mostly his children for various reasons) but he is not capable of putting himself in another person’s shoes. People with aspergers can lead happier lives and make adjustments if they are aware of the condition, however my husband would never ever admit to having anything ‘wrong’ with him.

        He ticks a lot of boxes regarding BPD. If you’re interested read this:

        http://gettinbetter.com/casanova.html

        My dilemma has always been – does he not want to change or can he not change. If one thinks it’s the latter (I swing between the two), then it makes leaving much more difficult because it almost feels like leaving someone with a disability.

        My marriage is a very lonely place. I would like a better and more fulfilling personal life with a person that I can truly connect with. I just don’t think it is possible with my husband and at this stage I’ve gone ‘beyond’ wanting to put more emotional energy in to trying to talk to him to see if my marriage can be saved.

        Our relationship is now platonic, I stay nice and do my own thing. But I know it can’t go on like this forever because he wants to have a physical relationship and will get aloof, distant and nasty again if this doesn’t happen.

        I look at him in such a different way now and the attraction for me is gone. I don’t know what needs to happen for that to change.

  45. Rhee says:

    I have reached the point in my marriage where I am ready to finalise a separation order, leading to a divorce (where I am from, you must have been separated for at least 2 years before you can divorce from your spouse).
    We have been married nearly 5 years, and there has been no progression on his end. I admit that in the beginning of our marriage, I had many issues of mistrust and always threatened to leave when I felt that things were not working out, but I made sure to change my behaviours when I realised I was affecting my husband’s ability to interact with me. We have attended counselling, and yet, over the past 3 years, I have been the only one facilitating any conversation etc.
    All I ask is that if he has nothing to say about a topic I bring up, to tell me so, rather than sit in silence. We have never argued in our marriage because this is his nature – to sit in silence when he doesn’t know what to say or feels conflict arising. He can’t even simply tell me that he needs time to think before he says something, or that he doesn’t have anything to say. I basically talk to a wall.

    I was diagnosed with depression this year, and our daughter diagnosed with autism. While he has attended whatever appointment I have asked him to, he sits in silence and doesn’t ask me anything, doesn’t contribute nor does he know anything about what my daughter and I are going through because he can’t be bothered reading. When I try to tell him about the things I am feeling, I am met with even more silence. I can’t keep this up – constantly reminding him that I would like him to say something, anything! I feel so alone, and so overwhelmed with dealing with my issues and my daughter’s issues and playing the perfect housewife. Why, he had the gall to hint this afternoon that he would love to have some pancakes with chopped fruit waiting for him tomorrow morning. He seems to find his voice when he wants something – food or sex.

    I feel so desperately down and alone, and no matter how many times I tell him this, I am left feeling even worse and he has little clue that I am struggling. I feel like he doesn’t want to know! When he apologises when I have gotten upset, he tells me he loves me and cares, but I don’t understand why he can’t show that through actions and words, rather than wait for the big apology. He has promised me countless times that he will try harder and change this, but nothing has changed at all, and I don’t want to be continuing this pattern for the rest of my life.
    We have been through the talks, where he admitted he doesn’t know what to say half the time, and that’s where I assured him that I just want to know that he hears what I’m saying and that he let me know exactly that, that he doesn’t know what to say. Nearly 5 years of this, and I am ready to finish the whole thing. A small part of me is wondering if I am doing the right thing, but the bigger part of me doesn’t ever want to feel how I’ve been feeling the past 5 years, ever again.

  46. Laurie says:

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on these signs a marriage is over. Here’s an email I got today from The Brave Girls Club — they send a daily encouragement. Today’s was about acceptance and surrender…

    So much suffering comes when we resist the way things are. Such deep pain comes when we go to war with how things have turned out. Sometimes we think that accepting something we don’t want means that we are giving up….so we fight it….even if it can never be changed, we fight it.

    What if we cooperated with the way things are instead of fought the way things are? What if we took a good hard look and got really honest about every detail of how things are and then decided to hold hands with it and cooperate with it?

    Life is FULL of disappointments and blows to the stomach. After we have done all that we can…sometimes all that is left is to bravely accept what is true about right now. Until we accept the way things are, we are kind of trapped trying to change things that can never be changed…and this can keep us going round and round and round but really going nowhere.

    You are brave enough…you are strong enough…..

  47. James faith says:

    I thought my marriage was over but we went to couples counseling. It helps to get a good marriage therapist and to be willing to work on your relationship problems. You both have to want to save your marriage.

  48. sara says:

    I am going though pain.i live my husband alot,but now things are not moving more.
    Our sex life is almost dead. Thiz is 5 th year to our marriage,but things getting really complicated. He thinks I dnt respect him, which is wrong. If I don’t respect him then I must have someone else outside.
    I don’t know what to do. These things carry on since 3 years.. i am tired now to explain him,how should our relationship suppose to be.
    In bed unless until he don’t won’t anything, we cnt hv sex. But if he want than only we can have.we both are working. And after office he daily go to gym 4-5 hours he spent there. i usually wait for him to go outside.to spend some good tym with him, but after gum he got busy to arrange things for next day. My marriage life iz almost end.

  49. Laurie says:

    I can’t tell you what to do with your marriage and life – and even if I could, I suspect you wouldn’t take my advice! You need to reach deep inside yourself and figure out what you want out of your life. Then, you need to start working towards creating it.

    The two things I know for sure are that you can’t change your spouse, and you need to accept reality. Knowing that you can’t change your spouse and that you need to accept your life for what it is without wishing things were different….how do you want to spend your days and evenings?

    Where do you want to live, who do you want to spend time with, what do you want to focus your energy on?

  50. Angela says:

    Hi Laurie,

    I am end with my marriage, I don’t know what to do, I have been married for 16 years but they have been long painful year where there has been a lot of emotional abuse. Now it has gotten to a point that I cannot communicate with my husband face to face we communicate on phone messages. I have tried to keep this marriage going but it seems I have been doing the wrong things thinking that he is going to change, He drinks a lot and when he does something wrong to me he then starts accusing me of having relationships with other men. I have just finished my nursing degree and he is threatened that I am going to leave him and the accusation are getting more and more. Its getting so bad that when he cannot get to me he starts getting to the children. I have spend six years in a new country trying to settle down and go to school at the same time. We can be speaking for a few weeks then go back to not talking. I really don’t know what to do please advice as I feel that it is weighing up on me physically emotionally and also mentally.

  51. clive blatherwick says:

    I have been married for 28 years we have 3 children but the entire marriage has been full of arguments, we have probably had sex no more than 25 times in those 28 years, my two oldest left home due to the arguments and I now aged 53 seem to have just woken up to the fact that my marriage died a long time ago. I openly spoke to my wife about my feelings but she seems to think I am having an affair which I am not. She accepted what I said but is destraught and trying hard to mend our relationship. It’s her 50 th birthday in 4 weeks and if it were not for that I would have gone but I don’t want to hurt her. In my mind it’s over but she will not accept it. I am stuck and don’t know what to do

  52. Linda says:

    I’ve been married for a year and a half.. I got pregnant 3 months after we got married but we’re both 23 years old and money is low but my husband don’t talk to me he don’t touch me he is always rude to me and swears a lot I feel like I’ve given all I have and sometimes I look at him and think I deserve so much better.. He works yet he never pays for anything I feel like a signal mum our baby is 6 months and he’s only ever got 4 box’s of milk.. He don’t even do food shopping or pay for the bills it’s all me and my saving and am almost out of money I don’t know what to do please help me

    • Claudia says:

      Hi, I know that it is easy for other people to say to you that you should leave your husband, because you are probably scared of being a single mother and you think you can’t do it. I am going to be one of those people too, you are young and can do so much better alone. It will not seem like it at first, but you will eventually reach a point where you will ask yourself one day why you didn’t leave him sooner. I was a single mother of two children for over ten years and at first it felt like the world was going to swallow me alive with my children. It took about four months for me to finally wake up one day and realize that I didn’t miss my ex anymore. It was like this dark cloud had finally cleared and the sun was out (I know it sounds so cliche), but it is actually what it felt like. You are smart enough to realize that you deserve better and that he is not doing enough for you and your child.

    • Robb says:

      Hey Me and my wife been married going on 2years in dec and she has two kids already 9 and 11 she is 30yo and I will be 26 in dec I have no kids but I love and cherish hers and a real man would step up to the plate and handle his business. We have been having fertility issues for a while and there is nothing I would like bad enough is a child of my own so to hear that he acts like that and you all are married is a no go. YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF! IF YOU GOING TO DO EVERYTHING ALONE BE ALONE. Its other men out there that don’t mind stepping in and handling business,

  53. Laurie says:

    Dear Brooke,

    My insight is that your husband has serious anger issues, and that he is an abusive man who might hurt you worse than he already has. You don’t make him angry – it isn’t your fault that he acts the way he does! He is blaming you, and that is classic abusive behavior.

    I’m 100% sure you know that abusive is a sign your marriage is over – or at least that your husband doesn’t respect or love you. My advice is that you leave now, before things get worse.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  54. Laurie says:

    Dear Lynne,

    I’m sorry to hear you lost your daughter. Something like that, you never get over. My prayer is that you and your husband are able to work through your grief over your loss, even if you can’t repair your marriage. I pray for healing and strength, that you and he can face whatever life brings.

    May you accept your marriage for what it is, and see reality for what is. Whether you and your husband work through your marriage problems or decide that your marriage is over, I pray that you move forward into the next stage of your life, and that you find happiness and peace.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  55. Brooke says:

    I have been married only 2 weeks, and I already believe my marriage is over.
    He threatened to kill me on our honeymoon by waving a steak knife in my face in a crowded restaurant & 2 days later grabbed me by throat & told me he will kill me not once or twice but 4 times.
    He tells me I make him angry.

    Your insight please

    • l says:

      Run!!!! Same thing happened to me. The day I said I do was the day abuse started. I tried for two yrs walking on egg shells to not make him angry . When our daughter was one he started spanking her because he was upset not because she really needed it. Right then and there I left. You will end up dead or dealing with a lifetime of abuse. These men do not change with out intense counseling and medication. You are way to young to deal with this. Prayers.

  56. lynne says:

    I have been married for 24 years . We have suffered a child killed. But the marriage has gone down since then. Its been 11 years since our daughter was killed. Every year gets worse and worse. He no longer will communicate to me. He doesn’t tell me were he is, were he’s been, when he’s coming home (he’s cheating I believe). We sleep in same bed but no sex. Hes spending money constantly. But won’t let me have any. I’m disabled. He says its HIS MONEY. I was hospitalized and he never even came to see me. He does text me back that he does love me but only if I initiate the text. I’m so lonely. He will not go to counciling. He wont even look at me. The few times he does talk to me its b to bitch at me. I can face its over!!!

  57. Laurie says:

    Dear Lillian,

    My prayer for you is that you’re able to accept that your marriage has changed. For some reason, your husband has decided he needs more from marriage, or he wants a different type of marriage. Maybe he doesn’t even know why the marriage is over – maybe he’s just as confused as you are. Or, maybe he wasn’t the man you thought he was. Maybe he was pretending, or he was changing and either couldn’t or wouldn’t tell you that he needed something different.

    Your marriage – as you knew it – is over. I don’t know if you’ll get back together with your husband, or if you’ll be able to move forward in peace. But, I pray that you find the courage, strength, and freedom you need to let the future unfold as it is destined to. May you accept what lies ahead, and may you find ways to be more peaceful and happy than you thought possible.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  58. lillian says:

    Aside from the physical evidence of his dishonesty at the very least, I feel in every part of me him getting father and father away. I’m not ready for this to end. , We have not been building up to it, I am still in great shape I’m 5’2 weigh 115 and my measurements are 36 27 38… which will improve once my body is finished going back to its former condition. Or sex life had always been fantastic,. We were very affectionate a few weeks ago, We have always confided in each other, and we share the same dreams and goals. So what happened? Did some strange woman really just come along and steal my husband from me and our children? I keep waiting to wake up and be so relieved that it was just a horrible nightmare. But I don’t think I will and now it seems the best case for me is if he begs my forgiveness and goes back to being my husband.He even gripes at the kids when he is home. Our 3 yr old won’t hug him and treats him like a guest who had over stayed his welcome. But my perfect husband and daddy hread disappeared without a trace. Please help

  59. lillian says:

    Hi,
    February 20th made 7 years that my husband and I have been married. We have 4 boys together, all were conceived after we were married. When we got married we had just met each other 6 months prior and had been a couple for less than 2 months. We have had a lot of financial hardship, my mother died in a very sudden and tragic way, his ex has kept him from seeing his daughter h that he had before we met(I have never met her) and when he would try to make contact they would go as far as pressing false charges on him and having him put in jail, all for of our subs have severe hemophilia, he stopped talking to his family bc of the way they treated me like I was a second class citizen bc of the party of the country I was born and raised in which is the new Orleans area, and so on. As a couple we have always had each other’s back and have not met a problem we weren’t able to conquer. Both of us have always said proudly that we were soul mattress and we truly felt that way. Recently he went thru a period of unemployment and started showing signs of depression. I started finding in his emails where he wasn’t only getting promotional emails from dating sites but he had user ids and profiles set up. I am very sensitive about him looking at porn without me and her knows this I asked him at the beginning of our relationship if that was something he had to have and he promised me it wasn’t, but this was actual communication with real local women.I don’t believe he ever met up with any of them and he denied it being him. He actually said his brother may have done it as a joke.well a year goes by and things are fantastic he was working again, I got pregnant with our 4th son. Fast forward to present, he just got a new job about 3 hours from home. For the first 2 weeks the entire family went to stay with him at a motel. After the first week he began taking longer than necessary to go anywhere and bring very critical of everything I did.’ After each interaction we would have he would walk away talking under his breath but I only understiid his tone, which was bad enough. We had a huge fight that was completely unprovoked but he swore that I had said things I didn’t and he even told me he “couldn’t do this anymore” but I never found out what he was talking about bc our relationship was always fantastic. We were the couple that gave others hope and also the couple that caused also caused a lot of jealousy, but we were never passed by that. He brought me and the kids back home on the 18th of July and returned on the 20th very early in the am. He stayed in a hotel for the next week, but each night I wouldn’t be able to contact him after 8 pm. He would call me the next morning and say he had fallen asleep. Well the last week he has been staying home and commuting bu the first night back home after that well without us he was not happy and very short tempered and critical of me and the kids. About a week ago I was cleaning his memory on his android phone and stumbled onto his search history ask nd found that on June 8th he has looked up female escorts in New Orleans and then on July 12th and 18th he had gone to the same site , (backpage), and looked them up in the area he is working then looked for women seeking men.He also had downloaded an app called meet up. He spent his entire $1600 check on things he couldn’t remember but no money came home and no builds were paid.. I looked up his location history and found that each night he was at the hotel and many of the days that we were with him and he took very long trips to the grocery store that he had been at the same house in what looked to be a large shop. When I asked him about it he instantly started crying and saying that all I do is advise him and I want him to be doing these things so I could leave them he began accusing me of cheating. I am not even attracted to other men, seriously, I don’t even see them when they are in my face. He knows this. Well after the reaction he had I decided not to say anything about the other things and do some more pi work so he wouldn’t be able to deny it. I did let him know that unless he chooses To end things I wasn’t going to let his pour judgement and whatever desires he may have take everything from me and hurt our children as well.If he was being dishonest with me that he could tell me the truth and if he had a problem I would help him, Just please stop. Each day he gets home later and later and so I look in his search history and phone records and see that he is deleting texts and phone calls and spends up to 2 hrs each da at the same house. This morning when he was leaving he gave me the coldest hug ever, and I broke down.I began crying uncontrollably and instead of hugging me for real nd being concerned he instantly starting accusing me and saying that all I ever do is stall him and I should go ahead and leave that it’s obvious I want to. I don’t know what to do. Aside crib the physical

  60. Laurie says:

    Dear Dorean,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing what you’re going through. You sound very unhappy with your marriage and life. It also sounds like you feel very alone, lonely, and not connected with your husband.

    You can’t change him. The only person you can change is yourself. So, you need to decide if you want to continue living this way for the next 20 or 40 years, or if you want to make some changes in your life. You can make changes in your life and still stay married — you can create a whole life outside your marriage! Or, you can make changes in your life and leave your husband.

    Whatever you decide to do, I encourage you NOT to make decisions out of fear or insecurity. Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage because you’re scared you can’t support yourself financially. Don’t let your fears and your past destroy your future.

    You have the power to control your life. You are stronger than you think, smarter than you realize, and more capable than you believe. You can dig deep into yourself and find the resources you need to make beautiful changes in your life.

    Where do you want to be in a year from now? Focus on things you can change — your surroundings, your activities, your daily habits — not on things you can’t (ie, your husband).

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  61. Dorean says:

    hi sorry i didnt know if my comment through but i do appricate you looking at the comment for me i just need some insight thank you Dorean

  62. Dorean says:

    my husband and i have been married for 20 years all together for 25 , We have three kids 22, 2018 . I know i love him but he showns no consideration towards my feeling or for what i do on a regular base at all , he dont help around the house.I do’nt work he told me earlier around when our kids were in school to be at home for them which i did. I go on family vactions by myself snice they were small and i still do. We went to Myrtle beach and he stayed in the room the whole time no kids , we didnt even go to beach. I’m home 24 hours a day i clean cook i dont mind i would just like for him to take me out once on a Saturday. I spent our 20 Annversary in the house doing nothing he, knew that day was special. He once told me to tell him when i thought it wasnt working out or i wanted something to change but when i do im crazy. I dont know if i want to go on being sad unhappy and so unappreciated by the person i care for . Please give me your insight

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