Nov 262013
 

Are you going through the normal ups and downs of a long-term relationship, or is it over? These signs a marriage is over will help you see your relationship more clearly.

Feeling like you’ve hit rock bottom in your marriage isn’t necessarily the worst thing to happen in your relationship. Sometimes rock bottom is where you need to be, so you can rebuild your marriage. Rock bottom might help you see your relationship clearly – such as identifying when guilt is keeping you in a marriage you wish was over.

signs marriage is over If you have no idea if your marriage really is over, read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. It’s an excellent resource that will change the way you see your spouse. Getting an objective perspective without the pain of marriage counselling can help you move forward. And, remember that sometimes you need to go through a bad stage of marriage before you can rebuild a happy, healthy relationship. “In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says Mort Fertel. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”

7 Signs Your Marriage is Over

Remember marriage coach Mort Fertel’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of life. In fact, Mort says cheating husbands are more likely to build stronger marriages.

Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage. If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.

Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care. You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.

Is your marriage in trouble? Get a free marriage assessment and relationship advice.

If you're dealing with a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love
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You don’t connect with your spouse. When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect.

You have different visions of the future of your marriage. He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).

Sometimes you don’t need to read signs your marriage is over, because you know divorce is the best option. If you aren’t financially independent or free to walk away, read How to Get Money to Leave Your Husband.

You’re not physically intimate (but this isn’t always a sign your marriage is over). This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.

You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage. If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a certain sign your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily remedied if both spouses are willing.

signs marriage is over

“7 Signs Your Marriage is Over” image by Laurie

You partner cheats and wants to end the marriage. Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.

I welcome your thoughts on these signs your marriage is over. I can’t give you advice – but below I offer a direct link to marriage coach Mort Fertel. He gives relationship advice, and shares his perspective on the signs of a marriage ending.

If you and your husband are willing to work on your marriage, read How to Go on a Marriage Retreat Without Leaving Home.

 

Fix Your Marriage

About Me

quips tips love relationshipsI'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.

  3 Responses to “7 Signs Your Marriage is Over”

  1. Dear Dorean,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing what you’re going through. You sound very unhappy with your marriage and life. It also sounds like you feel very alone, lonely, and not connected with your husband.

    You can’t change him. The only person you can change is yourself. So, you need to decide if you want to continue living this way for the next 20 or 40 years, or if you want to make some changes in your life. You can make changes in your life and still stay married — you can create a whole life outside your marriage! Or, you can make changes in your life and leave your husband.

    Whatever you decide to do, I encourage you NOT to make decisions out of fear or insecurity. Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage because you’re scared you can’t support yourself financially. Don’t let your fears and your past destroy your future.

    You have the power to control your life. You are stronger than you think, smarter than you realize, and more capable than you believe. You can dig deep into yourself and find the resources you need to make beautiful changes in your life.

    Where do you want to be in a year from now? Focus on things you can change — your surroundings, your activities, your daily habits — not on things you can’t (ie, your husband).

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. hi sorry i didnt know if my comment through but i do appricate you looking at the comment for me i just need some insight thank you Dorean

  3. my husband and i have been married for 20 years all together for 25 , We have three kids 22, 2018 . I know i love him but he showns no consideration towards my feeling or for what i do on a regular base at all , he dont help around the house.I do’nt work he told me earlier around when our kids were in school to be at home for them which i did. I go on family vactions by myself snice they were small and i still do. We went to Myrtle beach and he stayed in the room the whole time no kids , we didnt even go to beach. I’m home 24 hours a day i clean cook i dont mind i would just like for him to take me out once on a Saturday. I spent our 20 Annversary in the house doing nothing he, knew that day was special. He once told me to tell him when i thought it wasnt working out or i wanted something to change but when i do im crazy. I dont know if i want to go on being sad unhappy and so unappreciated by the person i care for . Please give me your insight

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