Marriage Max

Before You Try to Get Your Ex Back – 16 Questions to Ask

Written by on June 3, 2012 in Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce with 7 Comments

get my ex backIt’s possible to get your ex back, but is it the best thing for you? These questions will help you figure out if you should try to get your ex back – and what to do next.

Should you get your ex back? Do you believe in your relationship enough to do whatever it takes to get back together?

And, how do you know if you should just walk away – especially if your ex is calling it quits?

I can’t answer that question for you, but I can give you a few things to think about. You need to ensure you’re trying to get your ex back for the right reasons, not because you’re stuck in the past and scared to move on.

Are you scared to move on, or do you really think you and your ex were meant to be? Before deciding if you should try to get your ex back, you need to take a step back and look objectively at your motivations, personality, and lifestyle.

Reasons you should NOT try to get your ex back:

  1. You feel lost, insecure, afraid, and lonely without your ex.
  2. Your ex was emotionally or physically abusive to you, your kids, or others.
  3. Your ex cheated on you or lied to you.
  4. You don’t trust your ex, but can’t explain why.
  5. Your ex has a toxic ex-wife or ex-husband who causes serious problems in your relationship.
  6. You want revenge. You feel bitter but you won’t let yourself admit it.
  7. Your ex puts his friends, hobbies, bad habits, or work ahead of you.
  8. Your ex doesn’t listen to you.
  9. Your ex doesn’t want you back, isn’t answering your phone calls or emails, and has told you to leave him or her alone.

Many people keep chasing their ex, even when the ex has said, “Leave me alone! I don’t want to see or talk to you ever again.”

Are you obsessed with trying to get your ex back? Read Do You Think About Your Ex All the Time? 6 Ways to Stop Obsessing.

Healthy reasons for trying to get your ex back:

  1. You are 100% certain you broke up for the wrong reasons.
  2. You feel whole and healthy without your ex.
  3. Your ex supports your current plans, future goals, and life dreams.
  4. You had an argument or conflict about a specific issue, and you can see a healthy resolution.
  5. You have realistic expectations for getting back together, and for your future relationship.
  6. You and your ex can talk openly and honestly about the reasons you broke up and the possibility of getting back together.
  7. Your friends and family support your relationship (you shouldn’t try to get your ex back just for them, but if they don’t think you and your ex is a good match, then you need to listen to their reasons!)

I think the best main reason you should try to get your ex back is if something has changed in your relationship.

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Give yourself – and your ex - space to heal and breathe. One of the most important things to do when you’re detaching from someone you care about is to take a step back — though your instinct might be to move closer! Instead of crowding your ex, find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your love relationship, marriage, kids, and family members. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe by developing your own interests and life. This is difficult when you’re emotionally over-involved or even obsessed with the other person, but it’s so important.

Does your ex want to reconcile, but you don’t know if you should get back together? Here are few things to think about before you try to get your ex back.

How to Stop Trying to Get Your Ex Back

If you’re ready to stop thinking about whether you should get your ex back – you know it’s time to move on – read this excellent comment from a reader on my letting go of someone you love article:

When you love someone deeply, taking that person out of your life is like tearing away a part of yourself. The pain can be very intense, but you can move on. Here’s how.

  1. Really ACCEPT what has happened.
  2. Allow yourself to grieve but NOT in destructive ways i.e, alcohol, drugs or other risky ways. This only makes it worse and will prolong your suffering….I KNOW because I’ve done this repeatedly only to realize, the only person I am hurting IS MYSELF. Realize your ex is NOT going to feel compassion and rush in to save the day on a white horse – Save yourself.
  3. Talk to someone – friends, a counselor. I also read articles about good relationships going bad, and learned that sometimes you can’t get your ex back and there’s no point trying.
  4. Force yourself to get out. This will be hard at first especially if you’ve built your world around someone else. That’s part of the problem, never lose yourself in someone else. Do things with friends, explore your passions, and do activities that define you.
  5. Do something new – take a class or an activity you always wanted too. I’ve learned how to rock climb and kayak. The sense of achievement ROCKED!
  6. Take one day at a time – this sounds like hogwash but it’s true. Up and down days will certainly come but the saying, “This too shall pass” is true.

Accepting that you lost your relationship and you shouldn’t try to get your ex back is a long, difficult process. But remember that you are not alone and everyone has been through it, sometime or the other. Learning to let go, no matter how deeply you loved your ex, is essential if you are to move on with your life. Sometimes it’s not healthy to try to get your ex back, no matter how much love you feel.

Are you stuck in the past?
How to Let Go of Someone You Love

I welcome your thoughts on whether or not you should try to get your ex back! Writing can help you see your relationship and ex more clearly.

laurie blowing kiss

How are you? All comments welcome!
I can't give you advice,
but writing can help you gain insight.
Peace and blessings,

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7 Reader Comments

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  1. Laurie says:

    Thanks for your comments, Kim. I agree, that couples don’t try to work things out. But, before they think about if they should try to get their ex back, they need to really think about if it’s the right thing to do.

    Should you try to get your ex back?

  2. Kim says:

    I recon people these days don’t even try as there is always someone else lining up. As soon as they hit a hard patch they break up instead of acting like an adult. Great examples parents set for their children also going from one relationship to another. If we went back to the old fashion ways maybe this wouldn’t happen. As the saying goes why buy the cow when they are supplying the milk.

  3. Laurie says:

    I wrote an article and ebook about letting go of someone you love, and it’s one of my most popular articles. Most people would rather try to get their ex back, instead of moving on.

  4. Will says:

    As a man who gave up drugs and beer over a year and a half ago, I find it harder to let go of my ex then to get off drugs.

  5. Duane says:

    Saying goodbye to a relationship is sure a hard thing to do. I believe giving up a relationship is as hard as giving up an addiction.

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