Jun 032012
 

It’s possible to get your ex back, but is it the best thing for you? These questions will help you figure out if getting back together really is the right thing to do.

Are you scared to move on, or do you really think you and your ex were meant to be? Before deciding if you should try to get your ex back, you need to take a step back and look objectively at your motivations, personality, and lifestyle. You need to ensure you’re trying to get your ex back for the right reasons, not because you’re stuck in the past and scared to move on.

getting ex backIf you think that getting back together is the right thing to do, read How To Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back: The Proven Step-By-Step System to Restore Your Relationship by Natalie Watson. You’ll learn things such as how to make him regret breaking up with you, what makes him withdraw and not want to be with you, the real reason why you broke up, and how to rebuild your relationship so it’s healthy and strong. The thing you have to ask yourself is this: Do you believe in your relationship enough to do whatever it takes to get back together? Sometimes it’s better to just walk away – especially if your ex is unhealthy or abusive. I can’t answer these questions for you, but I can give you a few things to think about…

Reasons you should not try to get your ex back:

  1. You feel lost, insecure, afraid, and lonely without your ex.
  2. Your ex was emotionally or physically abusive to you, your kids, or others.
  3. Your ex cheated on you or lied to you.
  4. You don’t trust your ex, but can’t explain why.
  5. Your ex has a toxic ex-wife or ex-husband who causes serious problems in your relationship.
  6. You want revenge. You feel bitter but you won’t let yourself admit it.
  7. Your ex puts his friends, hobbies, bad habits, or work ahead of you.
  8. Your ex doesn’t listen to you.
  9. Your ex doesn’t want you back, isn’t answering your phone calls or emails, and has told you to leave him or her alone.

Many people keep chasing their ex, even when the ex has said, “Leave me alone! I don’t want to see or talk to you ever again.”

Are you obsessed with trying to get your ex back? Read Do You Think About Your Ex All the Time? 6 Ways to Stop Obsessing.

Is your marriage in trouble? Get a free marriage assessment and relationship advice.

If you're dealing with a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love
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Reasons you should try getting back together:

  1. You are 100% certain you broke up for the wrong reasons.
  2. You feel whole and healthy without your ex.
  3. Your ex supports your current plans, future goals, and life dreams.
  4. You had an argument or conflict about a specific issue, and you can see a healthy resolution.
  5. You have realistic expectations for getting back together, and for your future relationship.
  6. You and your ex can talk openly and honestly about the reasons you broke up and the possibility of getting back together.
  7. Your friends and family support your relationship (you shouldn’t try to get your ex back just for them, but if they don’t think you and your ex is a good match, then you need to listen to their reasons!)

I think the best main reason you should try to get your ex back is if something has changed in your relationship.

get ex back

“Try to Get Your Ex Back” image by Laurie

Give yourself – and your ex - space to heal and breathe. One of the most important things to do when you’re detaching from someone you care about is to take a step back — though your instinct might be to move closer! Instead of crowding your ex, find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your love relationship, marriage, kids, and family members. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe by developing your own interests and life. This is difficult when you’re emotionally over-involved or even obsessed with the other person, but it’s so important.

How to Stop Trying to Get Your Ex Back

If you’re ready to stop thinking about whether you should get your ex back – you know it’s time to move on – read this excellent comment from a reader on my letting go of someone you love article:

When you love someone deeply, taking that person out of your life is like tearing away a part of yourself. The pain can be very intense, but you can move on. Here’s how.

  1. Really ACCEPT what has happened.
  2. Allow yourself to grieve but NOT in destructive ways i.e, alcohol, drugs or other risky ways. This only makes it worse and will prolong your suffering….I KNOW because I’ve done this repeatedly only to realize, the only person I am hurting IS MYSELF. Realize your ex is NOT going to feel compassion and rush in to save the day on a white horse – Save yourself.
  3. Talk to someone – friends, a counselor. I also read articles about good relationships going bad, and learned that sometimes you can’t get your ex back and there’s no point trying.
  4. Force yourself to get out. This will be hard at first especially if you’ve built your world around someone else. That’s part of the problem, never lose yourself in someone else. Do things with friends, explore your passions, and do activities that define you.
  5. Do something new – take a class or an activity you always wanted too. I’ve learned how to rock climb and kayak. The sense of achievement ROCKED!
  6. Take one day at a time – this sounds like hogwash but it’s true. Up and down days will certainly come but the saying, “This too shall pass” is true.

Accepting that you lost your relationship and you shouldn’t try to get your ex back is a long, difficult process. But remember that you are not alone and everyone has been through it, sometime or the other. Learning to let go, no matter how deeply you loved your ex, is essential if you are to move on with your life. Sometimes it’s not healthy to try to get your ex back, no matter how much love you feel.

I welcome your thoughts on whether or not you should try to get your ex back, in the comments section below. I can’t answer your questions or give advice, but writing can help you see your relationship and ex more clearly.

If you’ve decided that all you want is to be with your ex, read How to Get Your Ex Back.

About Me

quips tips love relationshipsI'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.

  7 Responses to “16 Questions to Ask Before You Try to Get Your Ex Back”

  1. Dear Aj,

    Sometimes the hardest thing we have to do is the right thing. If you feel that it’s better for both you and your boyfriend to break up, then you need to be strong. It’ll hurt you to set him free, but it’ll hurt you more to stay in a relationship and be unhappy.

    Give yourself — and him — time and space to breathe and think and live. Don’t think about trying to get him back yet, just think about living your life. Who do you want to be, where do you want to go, and how do you want to spend your life? Don’t be all about him, be about YOU. When you’re healthy and happy, you’ll attract the right man.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. It’s hard to break up with someone you love…but sometimes it’s the best thing you can do.

    In peace and passion,
    Laurie

  2. Hi,
    My boyfriend and I recently quarreling about the TIME. Until I walked out on him, I don’t know if I can really let him go, but I am having a hard time to let go of him because i love him. But I wanted too so that he will never suffer anymore on giving his time with me and to face his all problems. I’ve hurt when he is keep on telling that he can’t do the things to fix his problems because he don’t have a time to do it because he’s always with me. I felt that he’s always wasting his time to spent on me instead doing his thing about his problems. I felt that i am the burden of his life. Now, I wanted to break up with him but I am having a hard time to do it and the decision will come from me. I wanted to set him free so he can use and get his own time for himself and to his problem. Please advise. Please help. Thanks.

  3. Thanks for your comments, Kim. I agree, that couples don’t try to work things out. But, before they think about if they should try to get their ex back, they need to really think about if it’s the right thing to do.

    Should you try to get your ex back?

  4. I recon people these days don’t even try as there is always someone else lining up. As soon as they hit a hard patch they break up instead of acting like an adult. Great examples parents set for their children also going from one relationship to another. If we went back to the old fashion ways maybe this wouldn’t happen. As the saying goes why buy the cow when they are supplying the milk.

  5. I wrote an article and ebook about letting go of someone you love, and it’s one of my most popular articles. Most people would rather try to get their ex back, instead of moving on.

  6. As a man who gave up drugs and beer over a year and a half ago, I find it harder to let go of my ex then to get off drugs.

  7. Saying goodbye to a relationship is sure a hard thing to do. I believe giving up a relationship is as hard as giving up an addiction.

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