Yes, it does sound like you and Cynthia have very similar stories! And I know there are more women in your area – and all over the world – who want to leave their husbands.

Did you read my comments to Cynthia? Because your and her situations are so alike, I really can’t offer you anything else. Plus I’m not in a position to offer advice or help!

I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you, but I encourage you to re-read what I said to Cynthia. Read the article I wrote for her — because it applies to you, too!

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,
Laurie

I read these articles and comments and I know that I am not the only one in my boat, but even after reading all these comments I still have so much fear.

I have been with my husband for 11 years, we have a four year old daughter and I am at my wits end. Our relationship starting going downhill after we got married. Which has been the past 5 years. He cheated on me when I was pregnant I caught him, he told me he would stop, he did not, he also started going on leaves of absence from work, he took off 3 months for paternity leave and has not gone back to work stably for the past 4 years, he has been diagnosed borderline personality disorder My relationship has made me extremely codependant. I have left my husband three times before, I have filed for divorce but keep coming back because I have this innate feeling that MAYBE he really can change. But all this back and forth has caused me to lose almost all of my relationships with family and friends. I am actually closer to his family than I am my own. I have made mistakes and a lot of it came down to me not being able to cope and just reacting. Now I am at the point that I don’t love him, am on welfare, have no job, am very depressed and have been for some time. He sees a counselor, I see a counselor, we still fight all the time and its affecting my daughter. The only reason we have a roof over our head is because my father in law has let us live with him. So much more to say but in the end I know I have made some big mistakes myself, including having an affair of my own in response to his. It is tit for tat it seems and even when I try to escape the past and the pain and resentment that has built up in me I feel such hatred for him but I have no where to go. This has affected my daughter so much that I am afraid to go to a shelter and screw her up more. I also no longer have a vehicle and $16 dollars to my name. The only family I have that I could go to is in TN and I don’t think any judge is going to let me go there with my daughter. There has been a lot of emotional and mental abuse I truly feel it, but then I start to wonder if its really that bad. I hear about these women who are being beaten and all these horrible things. He has never laid a hand on me, but he has slapped our daughter. I reported it to SS but the thought of leaving and going to a shelter scares me. I dont’ know how I will find a job, a car, pay for housing, and food, get mentally stronger, and go to court, and make sure my daughter is ok and taken care of. Its so overwhelming and I can’t keep afloat.

Any advice would be very appreciated.

-In Misery

It sounds like you’re completely, totally responsible for most things at home! Your husband hardly does anything.

The good news is that if you do decide to try to leave him, you won’t have much extra work to do at home. That is, you’re so used to doing everything and relying on nobody but yourself…you’re already taking care of everything on your own!

But, as you said, having 3 kids and a baby one the way certainly changes things.

How is he helping you survive? If he doesn’t contribute financially or in any other way…what does he bring to your life?

Congratulations on speaking up and reaching out for help! That’s great – it takes a lot of courage and strength to write about your problems. It’s also very healthy, and I hope it leads to some sort of resolution or healing for you.

I don’t think you should question how you should feel. Your feelings are legitimate simply because they exist – whether or not you are pregnant. Perhaps you’re more sensitive because of the hormones, or maybe you’re just reacting like any woman would! I don’t know.

It may be more effective to focus on what to do with your feelings. It doesn’t matter if you’re “right” to feel them…what matters is that you have these feelings.

And, what matters even more is how to cope with them. It sounds like confronting your husband doesn’t help. And, I know that most people don’t change, so it won’t help to try to make him change.

It might help to get an objective perspective on your relationship with your husband from an in-person counselor. I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage, or why your husband doesn’t seem interested in meeting you halfway. Has he changed? Probably not. He’s probably the same guy you married…it’s you who has changed. Also, your life has changed (you have kids now), and he hasn’t risen to the challenge.

Expecting him to change isn’t reasonable. The one who has to change is you, if you want to be happy. This doesn’t seem fair, but it’s the only power you have — to change yourself and your reactions to and expectations of him.

What do you think?

Thank you for sharing your story here. My heart goes out to you; it sounds like you’re trapped in an unhappy, unloving marriage.

I wrote this article for you:

http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/recovering-from-broken-promises/

I also want to encourage you to try to meet women in your area who are educated and strong. Talk to them about how they got to school, how they succeeded. Keep telling people how badly you want to get an education and support yourself.

I don’t have any answers for you, and I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband. I don’t know your circumstances. But, I believe you are a strong girl who CAN succeed!! I know that if you keep trying, you will get educated and find ways to support yourself.

But, I believe you are 100% right when you say that you’ll die softly if you stay married to him. You deserve a better life than that – and so does your daughter!

Go, find women you respect and admire. Talk to them, find ways to connect with them and get help from them.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers – and I hope you come back and let me know how you are.

Survival can be summed up in three words – never give up. That’s the heart of it really. Just keep trying. ~ Bear Grylls

Blessings,
Laurie

I apologize for the length in advance. This is the first time that I’ve really spoken up and asked for help.
I’m only 18, and my husband is only 20. Together we have a 15 month old, and I am currently 5 months pregnant with our second. We’ve been together a little over 2 years.
How it all started was he moved into my parents house with me (I was 16), I fell pregnant then we got married and moved out..Into a horrible, horrible house (Got roach poisoning and got very ill) so we moved back to my parents house (just right after I had our first). Then things happened, and my hubby exploded on my family (it had been pent up far too long) and we moved into his parents house. We ended up leaving there after about 5 months, back to my mom’s. We moved out into another house for 2 months, and now we’re back to my parents. I know part of my frustration with him is his inability to be responsible to try to get a job (Granted, I know it’s hard, but I was able to get 2 jobs while pregnant, both of which I had to quit when I was diagnosed with a hematoma and an ovarian cyst). For the first 6 months of my son’s life, we were out nightly, and most of the day. It was left to my mom to raise our son, pretty much. He was way too into partying and almost didn’t care about our son. Now that we’ve had him for a while, things are much better in that aspect. But pretty much since we moved out to his parents house, I’ve been irritated with him all the time. There is nothing that he will do fully (not half-arsed) for me, nothing. I ask him to watch our son so I can do the dishes, he lays on the floor and watches TV and yells at my son to come back when he starts screaming because he wants me, and refuses to get his arse off the floor. That is the kind of father that he is. I will admit that I am really hard on him, but I can’t be everybody’s mother, I’m already growing another babe and have one attached at my hip, I need some help too. Just tonight I told him to take our son outside and he started screaming at me to mind my own business and let him handle it. I asked him to put our son to bed tonight, and he said “Of course. You can’t ever do it, can you?” , not to mention this is the first night he’s been home from work before 8 pm in almost 3 weeks, so he’s never home to help with my son. That’s how he always acts. He acts like he does it all, and can’t ever help me with the things that I need. When I confront him, he pouts in bed and cries for an hour just to make me feel bad. But it’s never his fault, ever. He confronts me about things all the time to the point of tears (Actual tears, he gets hateful) and says it’s all me :\ I really don’t know what to do anymore. It’s only getting worse, when I tell him something is bothering me, he just makes excuses and then apologizes, only because he has to. It’s really wearing me down, and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m pregnant and over-reacting or if I really should feel this way.
Thankyou for your time and insight.
- Pregnant & Hormonal

Thanks for being here. I often feel the same way, about marriage being boring and husbands being not what we signed up for! But I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to leave your husband.

I wrote this article for you:

http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-make-your-marriage-work/

I welcome your thoughts.

Blessings,
Laurie