Should You Leave Your Husband? 3 Signs It’s Time to Go
First, remember how difficult divorce is.
“A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there’s less of you.” ~ Margaret Atwood.
If you’re thinking about leaving your husband, you need to learn as much about separation and divorce as possible. Read books like Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. Talk to a marriage counselor or marriage coach. See your pastor or spiritual leader.
You’re not looking for someone to tell you what you should do; you’re looking for wise counsel to help you make the right decision.
And, these signs that a marriage is worth fighting for may help you make a decision…
Should You Leave Your Husband?
“There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable,” writes Susan Pease Gadoua in Contemplating Divorce. “There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will be healthy or fulfilling. I call these workability factors.”
Here’s a list of Gadoua’s signs of unhappy marriages, specifically related to safety, love, and esteem needs (based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).
You might leave the marriage if your safety needs aren’t being met because of…
- Lack of trust
- Pathological dishonesty
- Lack of mental, emotional, physical, or financial safety
- Mistreatment
- Lack of communication
You might stay in your marriage if your trust was broken but is reparable, if there’s a mutual desire to create a safe environment, if there is care, concern, and communication.
It may be time to leave your husband if your love needs aren’t being met because of…
- Absence of mutual love
- Infidelity
- No shared interests
- One or both spouses aren’t fully committed to the marriage
- One-sided relationship
If you’re considering divorce, you might think about fighting for your marriage if there is a foundation of mutual love, if both partners are willing to work through physical or emotional infidelity, and if both spouses are willing to recommit to staying married.
You might leave the marriage if your esteem needs aren’t being met because of…
- No esteem from self or spouse, and no desire to change
- No respect at all from spouse
- No common goals
- Unwillingness of at least one spouse to work on marriage
Does your marriage have a foundation of respect, some common goals, and a willingness to work on esteem and marriage issues on the part of both partners? If so, it might be worthwhile to fight for your marriage. If you and your husband respect each other, you may want to focus less on if you should leave your husband and more on fighting for your marriage.
There are no quick and easy answers for the “should I leave my husband?” question – and even the surest signs that it’s time to leave your husband can be complicated and confusing.
“I’ve had countless clients tell me that they don’t want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse’s income, only to eventually realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities,” says Gadoua. “The spouse doesn’t contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.”
For more tips, read You’re Not Happy Married, But Don’t Know If Divorce Is the Answer.
Love doesn’t conquer all
I’m sorry to say that love doesn’t conquer all! You can love your husband with all your heart, but not be able to build a strong, happy marriage together – especially if you’ve lost your personal identity. The lack of romantic love may not always lead to divorce, and the presence of love doesn’t lead to a happy marriage.
As Zsa Zsa Gabor said, “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”
If you don’t want to leave because you invested time in your marriage, read Was My Marriage a Waste of Time? The Silver Lining of Breakups.
Do you want to leave your husband? I welcome your thoughts below…
Category: Breaking Up, Emotional Affairs, Separation & Divorce
I have been married for 13 years when i first married he was a good guy. Now i am doubting it, He makes me cry very cruel and mean. When he makes me cry he thinks i am sorry is going to fix it but it does not. I am left wondering what to do. I have stayed by this man thru alot of crap. His ex wife and child support have nothing because of this. It is constant struggle. He puts me down shouts at me and drinks to much. I have alot of health issues and want someone kind nd loving but where do you start. i hate my marriage and getting to the point of hatred towards him. I dont kno what his issues are and i really dont care anymore. I have three kids by him but ll he wants is sex or porn on the tv or love for the girl were he donates at who texted him ll the time. I want a change for the better i am not getting any youngeronly older and 44 going to be 45 in february. Help i think it might be time for divorce. Everything is about him and nobody else.
I have been with the same husband for 17 years – we have separated twice and each time we got back together, things changed for a short period of time then went back to all the same problems which have been going on for years. My husbands interests includes hours of television watching and gaming – perhaps 5 hours a day after work. He will watch an occasional movie if it is along the lines of Batman, X-Men, or Transformers. I, on the other hand, am a classical musicians who yearns to go to cultural events and play music together. My husband is a musician, but refuses to play with me and only plays with his friends or siblings – but very rarely. I have compromised a great deal. I watch at least 3 TV shows a week with him even if I prefer not to watch television. I go to all his action movies with him, or at least many of them. When I’ve asked over the years to do even one cultural event with me, he gets a very disturbed look on his face and says he will if he has to, but he would just be “acting” like he is having a good time and he doesn’t want to be a fake. As such, he shares in none of my interests. I feel very unimportant to him. On top of it, whenever I try to talk to him – he always puts a pillow in front of his face so I can barely hear him or he starts literally walking out of the room half sentence so I have to follow him to speak to him. Most of his answers are mumbled so I always have to ask him to say it again. Over the years, I have had to ask repeatedly for compliments. He never gives one, never. When he does the compliments are back-handed and feel more hurtful than anything. He will say “I don’t like your music, but I can appreciate that you are talented.” I’m never told I’m beautiful – and I am – or that I am smart – and I am – or that I’m a great mother – and I am. As far as the children, he thinks he’s a great father but he is barely involved unless it is them doing his activities like watching TV or playing video games. I am sharing this with other women to tell you that if you ever separate and decide to get back together, unless you have counseling first, you could end up like me – broken hearted over and over because some men just want to keep you that way. I’ve decided that I am ready to move on and be with someone who loves and appreciates me for who I am. I’ve started slowly by putting my finances in order and making sure that I have child support in place. I am very sad, but also very excited about the possibility of having that darn TV off for a few hours!!
I have been married for 22 years. I have 2 boys from my first marriage and one son with my husband now. If I tried to explain the whole story, I would be better off writing a book. I am like many, very confused, very lost and certainly thinking of life after marriage if only I knew how and when to say when. I don’t have ant family to help me. Once a well to do wife with nothing to worry about, now we sit broke, house foreclosed on, bankrupt and feeling very angry, lied to and so scared. Of course much has happened to get where I am now, locked in a room, reading up on marriage I do’s and marriage I didn’ts. I guess it was all the lies and lack of trust if I had to puck my biggest complaint. His lack of parenting and lack of caring is next. He worked, I raised the kids and never did I see my world falling apart. When it was clear to me that my boys were starting to be rude to me I begged my husband to step in and show the boys how to respect me and woman in general. In return he told my youngest that mom was losing her mind. When I confronted my husband about our finances he told me to stay out of his business and not to ever worry about our money. Well,again, to much has gotten me to thus point and now that I’m here and making a life changing decision I’m just as scared to leave as I am to stay. I have lead a privileged life and now I have nothing. If I had had a career or if I had family to help then I think I could pull the plug in a failed relationship. Then again is there anything to leave for? If I had to give advise, which is what I wish had been given to me….never trust someone else, get a job now! Never allow yourself to feel neglected and never stay if it was never right. When it’s right I doubt anything else would matter. When it’s wrong it all ends up wrong at the end. Good luck ladies. Don’t “end” up like me! All alone.
I have reached my limit.
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6. When I first met him I was at my lowest and he lift me up and made me happy. We hit it off and 4 years later we got married. After being with him for 6 years I found out by his ex girlfriend (who contacted me) that they had met up. I brought it to his attention and he denied it until I threatened him to tell me or else I was gonna leave. So he confessed and said that he did and his excuse was that he needed “CLOSURE”! I couldn’t understand then and I still don’t understand now. Why would you need closure with someone you supposedly haven’t seen for over 5 years?!
I felt heart broken… disappointed… and most important lied to. I knew that she was telling me the truth because she made sure she told me every single little detail of their encounter.
Since then I have lost the trust I had in him. I don’t look at him the same way. We talked and talked and talked about it many times but at the end I still feel the same – hurt!
The guy that I’m married is not social. He likes to stay home play on his XBOX day and night. He gets upset about a stupid game and then I have to put up with his attitude. That’s all he does! I have asked him countless times to please take me out. I looked into his eyes and told him that I was getting bored and that he needs to take his wife out. Nothing happened!!! SSDD!!!
We haven’t had sex for over 3 months now. I’m unhappy! Because of it… I’ve gained weight and suffer from depression. I feel like a prisoner. AND I’M ONLY 31 yrs old!!! I feel that I’m wasting my youth. I don’t know what else to do… the love I have/had for him is slowly vanishing.
I have goals and dreams that I want to accomplish. He has none! For New Years (2012) I spent it crying on the phone with my mother. What was he doing?! Playing his XBOX LIVE with some idiots that he doesn’t know! C’mon Seriously?!
We don’t have any children. I always thought that I’d had 2 children by now BUT it hasn’t happen. I have gotten myself checked out and there’s nothing wrong with me. Him on the other hand – WHO KNOWS! He doesn’t care to find out if he can have them or not because he hasn’t seen a doctor. We have names picked out! Makes me question whether he truly wants to have kids?! He doesn’t have any motivation at all! He brings me down! He’s very negative about everything and anything!
I have come to the realization that I’m done living like this. He’s become a roommate to me! I love him for the person that he is but I’m not in love with him anymore. I believe that he brought this upon himself for several reasons
1)When he decided to meet up with ex-girlfriend for “closure”.
2)Not paying attention to my needs: emotionally, sexually
3)Not giving me a family
4)Letting his XBOX be his MUSE!
10years… where have they gone?!
Note: if anyone has any input or advice please don’t hold back. I’d like to hear what you guys have to say…
Thanks
hi! i need your opinion on this. I am recently married and by this coming Feb.will be our 1st anniv.as husband and wife. Something came up and I just recently knew that my husband had a child and he never told nor confess before our marriage. I am very dissapointed on him for not telling me the truth. but before this happen I came to a point that I relized I am losing interest on him. Please give me words of wisdom whether I will pursue this or not. Thank you
I have been married to my highschool sweetheart for 29 years. We got pregnant when I was 16 and had our second child by 19. We both finished school and later (when I turned 35) I went back to school at got my MBA. We have had a rough time financially all our life but have always pulled through. Over the past 6 years, he had had some health issues. I don’t feel they are as bad has he does but he has quit working and is tryin to get his disability. We have not had an intimate relationship in the past 8 years or so. I have gained weight and at first he said sex just didn’t feel the same. I have treid to lose the weight but it has been hard. Now he just says he doesn’t have any desire. He states he loves me more than I could ever know but he just has no interest in sex at all. Not with me or anyone. I can’t help but feel total rejection. He takes alot of pain meds because of his problems which I feel is a big part of the issue. The drs agree this could be part of the problem but they have also said he will always be on them. So I guess I am at a point where I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can live my life with no intimacy or be the cold hearted person to leave her husband when He has no job, and can’t help what the medications are doing to him.
I had an affair after we had been married only a year. I blame that on being young and stupid and not fully understanding the vows of being married. I have not had a thought of an affair again. When do you make the decision that you need to satisfy your needs in life without regard to his feelings of desertion. I need some feedback please!!!!!!!!!!!
I am 33 years old and I have been married to my husband for 6 and a half years. He is not controlling or abusive towards me, but he has financial instability. I have dealt with him quitting or being let go from jobs for all these years. I have had stable work since we have been married. He cannot keep a job to save his life. When I bring up the fact that I am unhappy he gets defensive and upset. Even though we are married I feel like I have 3 children instead of 2. I know that he has good qualities as a man and father, but he is not a provider. He is unstable when it comes to working. How can you say you are a good man and husband if you are unable to take care of your family. Anytime we go on trips, I pay because he never has money. When he was working I was still paying everything and he did whatever with his money. I grew up with both my parents and my dad provided. My mother worked but my dad was the provider. As growing up that is what I knew. I guess from the day we said I DO, I knew that he was not the man for me, but I was pregnant and he had been helping me raise my oldest daughter so I decided to marry him. It was not because I was head over heels in love with him because I wasn’t. What I need is to get advice on what I should do because I am tired of living miserably. We don’t have sex unless I want to. We do not have dates at all anymore. I moved 700+ miles away from all my family because I chose to take a position my company offered me. I think it was a great move for my career. I do not regret moving, but I do regret him coming with. I have had many mant conversations with him about his instability and I told him what I expect. He cleans and cooks and washes and makes sure the kids are taken care of, but that is just not enough for me. It may sound selfish, but I think he is selfish for not providing and making sure we have everything we need. Instead I am making the money, wearing the pants, and making all the decisions and I am tired. HELP!!
Because i needed to let it out……
I wonder how I should be feeling, I have a beautiful daughter and handsome husband, I’m dynamic and a doer and yet I am so internally miserable. I complain most of the time and talk about my friends and family in a judgmental and critical way. I’m spiraling out of control, my relationship is unfulfilling, I don’t sleep, my existing business is going down the pan and my new one is so hard to get off the ground and taking so much money that I wonder if i’m doing the right thing.
Well maybe it’s good to get it out and write about exactly what happened to me……and how I arrived to this point.
I live in Greece although British, I married a wonderful Greek man 4 months after knowing him…..17 years ago.
I started a business that was very successful and made me well known within the community.
For 10 years all I did was work but never once did I look at another man or appear unhappy…because i wasn’t.
Workaholic, driven, ambitious yes, but not unhappy.
Then I decided to get pregnant and had my daughter 6 years ago. That was a huge change for me, I still had my business, my husband and now a child. We then built a house….bigger than we could afford and located next door to my very controlling mother-in-law.
The strain on me started then I think…….my husbands work ran into difficulties and he started running up large debts in my name. He opened a shop in Athens and was away from us for more than 5 months – he left me without even asking if I needed money or if I could cope, probably because I always coped – being the strong person I am!!!
I think I had a nervous breakdown during this period, I remember forcing myself to be strong every day (I had no help) and crying a lot. In February 2009 I made a decision to leave my husband but everyone talked me out of it….. I feel I should have left then but i was so scared it wasn’t difficult to sway my decision.
I had my head turned by another man during this time (no affair but I had very strong feelings)….my only excuse was that I was so unhappy, I felt so taken for granted and that I was married to a weak, uncommunicative, selfish man. Although he is kind, gentle, good looking, non-agressive he also never defends me, never fights for me or our daughter etc. He loves her but he didn’t want her and when I wanted to get pregnant he told me that she would always be my responsibility and has so far kept to his word.
We had a big discussion 2 years ago and he promised to work on things with me, we started marriage guidance, which lasted about 5 sessions as a couple and 8 months for me. He still continued to run up debts which I paid for and handled, confronting him and shutting down loans, involving his mother etc.
Then on his 40th birthday he suddenly woke up and got 2 jobs and now works all day and then has a bar job in the night. I know what I’m about to say will sound ungrateful and many will say ‘what do you want from him?’ but I’m so fed up with the situation. I’m always the one left holding the fort….he has at least been paying the household bills, mortgage and managing his overdraft etc. for the last few months (The house is not in my name and the overdraft was not my doing) I am responsible for private school, food and all mine and my daughters expenses……which has always been the case.
I have been living for about 4 years in this situation, the Greek economy is in big trouble right now and so is my business. It’s so hard for me not to be making money, not to be managing in the way I’m used to…this makes me feel so useless and a failure.
I have created a new online clothing business which will launch very soon – which needs investors and big business plans and this is sooo stressful…..but it seems it’s the only way I can validate myself as a person. My work has always sustained me and praise, recognition and success defined me.
I don’t feel anything but irritation towards my husband, I can’t stand the way his breath smells or how he smells in general, how he’s never here or even when he is home he’s down in the basement in his ‘space’ leaving me upstairs feeling resentful. I don’t want to have sex with him but I do. I just don’t feel love for him…it’s like it’s all drained out of me.
A married male friend of mine recently told me ‘my husbands biggest mistake was to marry me as I take all the air from the room and leave nothing for him’….so I also carry a guilt around that all this is my fault and if I wasn’t such a strong personality all these bad things wouldn’t of happened to me, that I have kind of asked for it…….and of course that I’m depriving my husband of real, healthy love, with respect and kindness, which I seem incapable of showing him now.
I remember growing up with my mother always saying that to me….’what did you do now?’ ‘It must have been something you said to cause that…..etc.’ and my husband basically says the same to me, instead of support I get the…’what did you do now’. I just feel so ‘put upon’….I take care of so many people in my life and yet I feel no-one really cares about me…..this of course builds a bitter, nastiness in me that manifests in discontentment and meaness – the biggest bother is what I see when I look in the mirror! Joyless, old, sad hanging face.
My face shows misery. I feel no joy. I don’t laugh very much and wonder how to turn back time……
My precious daughter is growing up in this environment and I know I have to do something to protect her from my sadness.
My heart is still feeling something for someone else but I don’t want to make it about that, i don’t want to leave because of someone else, destroy my family for anything other than betterment and my happiness….so I also keep this hidden inside me, coiled like a snake.
Help! I have so much yet so little…..what should i do? Any advice gratefully accepted.
I have known my husband for six years now. But for the last few years our relationship go down to hill. He does not want to have sex or children with me (from his action) even though he keeps telling me he wants to have family with. I donot belive in what he is saying anymore. He makes me tired of him, no more sexual emotion with him (even though i like it with my lover). I am not sure what i supposse to do with him anymore. I fell hurtful, shamful, and wasting time with him
I’m 24 yrs old been with my husband since I was 16 married him when I was 18 then got pregnant its 2011 and I have 3 kids I don’t regret them at all. My marriage on the other hand I am. Just because I should have seen the signs since then. He was emotionally and psychically abusive. By no I’m tired of it all. He loves seeing me fail at everything. If I tell him I’m gonna change and be a better person he says ill never change he claims I’m a whore and I’m 24/7 with my kids I have no desire for another man. All I wan from my husband is love,respect, and a better relationship with him but I doubt it will happen. A new year is coming up and I think its time I give up I’ve tired so many times I’m tired of this. He claims I’m nothing without him. I may not get on my feet right away but ill manage to survive. No women should be treated bad in anyway. On top of this I have 2 girls and there’s no way in hell I would approveof a guy treating them like this. I also don’t my son to be like his father.
I have been married for 23 years, and last year my husband because ill, with a non life threatening illness but it prevents him from working. I work nights and he spends alot of time on the computer, facebook and stuff. one day he left his computer open, and me being curious checked out his facebook, which he left opened. he also left open his email. I found out some things I didn’t know. he was secretly meeting people, like sex groups. when I comfronted him with it he swore it was just chat stuff, that he never actually went to meet with anyone personally and he then promised he would stop. but now I found another email (again, I got on his computer without his knowing) and found he is doing it again. I feel betrayed and stupid, and hurt and I love him but I just don’t know what to do. pretend I don’t know and have us go on in what seems to be a happy marriage, or confront him and tell him we need counciling or just leave him.
I’m 40 years old with a son of 6 years old with Diabetes type I, I’m MD
from another contry I have been married for 3 years now, things couldn’t be worst than they are. I left my family, contry and 2 years my son for migration issues .him is an Audio visial tech 50 years ols single that I meet in a medical conference, everything began like a friend on the IM Chat then phone calls then visiting me and me going visiting him in the U.S
I was so happy with my job well pay it is medicine my passion with my life and friends ,but I felt madly in love with him we break up twice mostly for the long distance thing ,but finally we work it out and We decided live in the US. and then prepare my USMLE and be a Doctor again with his support. The forst obstacule her best friend her ex fiance (20 years of tight friendship living only 5 minutes appart ,her first welcome gift her used clothes , and the worst she send them with him???? they went direct to the garbage can.
she acted weird so extreme friendly, she wanted to be my best friend a go with us to the movies, she even told me most of the people don’t understand our relationship we’re like brothers and sisters yeah right(if that is true is incest)I notice him watching tons of pornography, then he began to talk about all the georgeous latinas lovers that he had SEX with 2 married women for 5 years time. and the bunch of others the awfull truth in a e-mail to a friend he told him that I was adorable but he didn’t lust me at all because I was far away from he was used to , yes prostitutes and me well i can see the difference, and that he wasn’t sure if the marriage thing was for him!!!! I’m atractive women so why he ask me to marriage him ? probably he tought I was going to be a gold mine with my profession. we went to couple’s theraphy for like 4 months and he cotinue liying ,taking me to “romantic trip ” to an island and for what ,the first thing was I’m gonna go to another room I’m tired of what ?? I want to watch T.V . I explote and leave the room just another exuse for avoid me in bed the next morning he shout at me and says lets go. her exfiance knew all our sexual life from A-Z , so ididn’t want to see tha crazy stupid woman she is a hoarder by the way 50 y.o and never married , wonder why? our psicologyst say that he was a husband substitute, when i began to work very hard I wanted to send some money to my son , he exploted and say no and didnt let me buy some confortable shoes for work. in the end he told me that he didnt want have sex with me and when he did it he was thinking in another previous sex experience, and that he should think go uut with some of his ex girlfriends. At that time I was totally depress lost 30 pounds, a bledding ulcer beging to vomit in the night and he didn’t care.he offer me if i stay twice a month sex hahahah sure
well 1 week after I left him. he was dating a girl from work and go back with her 74 y.o Lover,and beging to talk every day and going out with our cleaning lady.
second chance more couple’s theraphy he tried to make look like the crazy in the relationship saying that i invented about the child pornography that he had, but I have save some proof of it. so our psicoloyst was hard on him for liying over his parents grave.
I lost my job one day he was moody told me you gonna clean so good the bathroom ,and I wil supervise you if you have done a Good job, and we had a cleaning lady from peru roxana palomares veliz ilegal so I never tought we will have the same problem that in the past I was wrong i check the phone record and the first day of the job they got laid , 6 call per day for like 6 months that is not cleaning that’s prostitution, next thing I know Some one steal the condo I wonder who also his “best friend ” write me that was going with protitutes, gambling, went back with the old lady and got another 2 women in a row
the last time I just went for a medical check up and I had a serious disease so I have to stay for 8 months in treatment we were like roomates, I didn’t even want that he touch me or kiss me sofly in the mouth he began to gambling he lost everything, lost the house disn’t have almost money for the lawyer for the bankrumpsy the second in his life for the same gambling addiction , we got in to augument he was vey agresive so I have to call the police.ever since he never shout me the way he did that time. any way he told me I Don’t want that you leave, but I was just so tired of his gambling addiction and treat me like infected , verbaly and psicologycal abuse me, hiding to making calls,so racist against black and hispanic,jew people that some times he act like hitler ,I’m hispanic so he is but makes jokes of me .for my safety I just ignore him …but I hate all his stupid jokes, he’s a sociopath.
I was cure thank God and return with my son, with out work, depress
he call me to tell me crying one day that he had gamble all the money for eating for 2 weeks. and he has only 100$ and her ex fiance was going to give him 100$ until his next paycheck is a secret in his job all his addiction to sex and gambling, Now he forgot our wedding anniversary yeah,it just making exuses, and to be honest there’s nothing to celebrate. he cheating with every woman that is a the right ugly, fat old vulnerable,insecure an emotional mess that his kind of woman and dont forget ilegals because he make him belive that he will gave them the citizenship. hahahah ask roxana what she got a STD..poor bastard his future looks very ugly
and think that I truly loved him once I fight with all my heart to save this marriage but I leaving humilliation, cheating, stress from gambling ,abuse, sexual deprivation, he don’t relaize the harm a,d pain that he has cause me, he don’t know what he want, he doesn’t even love himself how is he going to love any one?
GOD please make me forget and maybe one day forgive him and heal my wounds to open my self again to the world with love and a happyness that I used to have. this really was sleeping with the enemy
I am 36 years old with 4 year old twins. My husband and I began dating at 19, married at 29. We wanted to both wait to marry because we had schooling and careers to work on. We were so in love. Honestly, now I am scared to death. His career path is not only dangerous at times but now has become abusive within the organization. I have always supported his career until the abuse within his career coming from the top and now all around. We have no family in our area so I feel like I am raising our twins alone. He comes home, sleeps for hours and hours…sometimes days, then goes to work to do it all over again. He expects me to have sex with him and I know I should want to but he never puts any time into us as a family or as a couple. He will not hire babysitters. Our home is a god awful mess all the time because I can barely keep an eye open since I am raising the kids on my own already. I feel emotionally detached from him. Now he is getting depressed and is always gruff with the kids and I. A lot of passive aggressive and controlling behavior. This is not the man I married and I am now just planning in my head how I could make it on my own with the twins. I cannot just move home to mommy and daddy at 36. How am I going to pay medical bills, college loans, car, apartment?? I cannot live in our home since I cannot afford the mortgage on my own. Should I move away from him or move closer to my family 300 miles away? Would that be unfair to our kids? Yet I have NOBODY here to rely on partly because his career and rank has isolated us from everyone we used to be friends with. Too many questions. I no longer have a job…so how I can get a job that pays ok in this economy scares me…everything. What did it for me this morning is watching my daughter play with her toy bunnies and the baby bunny was asking the daddy bunny to wake up. Later she tells me she had a bad dream about daddy last night. I asked her what about….she couldn’t tell me. She asked her twin to describe the dream and of course he couldn’t. She has been having night frights for 3 months now. Something has to change or I need to leave with the kids. Save them from being damaged emotionally.
Hi, I’m glad i found a current post about leaving husbands! Why do we feel guilty about wanting to leave our husbands? Don’t we all deserve to be happy? I have been with my husband for over 7 years, married for 4 of those. When i look back i should never have married him, i don’t know if its love i feel for him or pity! He moved to my area to be with me and its was great for the first 2 years but has gone rapidly downhill since. He’s controlling, i never have family or friends over anymore. I have a huge family who stick by him thick and thin and support him – he has made huge business mistakes leaving ME oweing alot of money and still he wants nothing to do with them. I’ve been telling him i’m leaving for years so now when i say it he doesnt believe me. I have a 15 month old daughter who is the apple of my eye! I live and breathe for her and i certainly would not be still with him if she was not here. We have a volatile relationship, at any time we could argue and call eachother names – i hate it. But why do i still feel i have a responsibility to be with him. He has nobody and at the end of the day he has made no effort to integrate with my family or make friends – i think he thinks nobody is good enough! Only last week i found a box of viagra pills in the drawer in the bedroom – he is only 37 – we have sex about once every 3 months – this i don’t even want from him anymore!! Its used to be a huge issue that he never wanted to make love to me, now i don’t want him near me! I plan to leave him in the new year too and move home to my parents which is only a couple of miles away. I dread doing it as i know he won’t make it easy for me. I’m so confused and unhappy and all i can think about lately is to figure out whats the best way to go about it!! Any advice?
I feel like a horrible person…all the time…..Im married to a “great” guy, loving father….and like I said an all around, generally speaking great guy…..he has accepted my oldest daughter as his own, as he has been around since before she could walk…..she is now 7….&we have a toddler together….Im 26 yrs old and Im miserable……I want to leave but am terrified….my entire family adores him….and his family loves me……I am no longer romantically attracted to him, and havn’t been for over a year. I try every day to force myself to be, but Im just not……I love him dearly, with all my heart….but not romantically. The last time we were intimate was awful, his touch repulsed me….the thought disgusts me as its almost like a big brotherly kind of love I feel for him……Of course it wasnt always like this….in the beginning I was madly in love……we are almost 4 yrs in…….he has never been able to relate to me emotionally or romantically…….however, he tries. I feel horrible because I know plenty of women would kill for a man like him…he lets me go out with my friends and baisically do what I want…….but still something is really missing. I try hard not to take him for granted and appreciate him for what he is….but Im still not happy…..I try to be thankful that he accepts me and all my flaws but…Im still not happy. Im afraid if we split up my children will be traumatized…..I feel so..selfish…I dont know what to do……Im afraid the grass may not be greener and then not only would I have splitup my family…..the rest of my family would hate me too….Im just so unhappy…..I no longer desire a relationship with him and we have tried having an open relationship for a year…I have since met someone else and am emotionally attached to that person…….my husband after straying, has decided he still wants me….ugh….I dont want to hurt him….I dont know how much longer I can live miserably…….I told myself Id try to make it 10 more years until my kids are almost thru with high school………wish me luck…..
Hi I’m 32 years old, my husband is 43, we have been married to my husband for 6 years, although we’ve been together since I was 17. He is very genuine guy underneath but behaves so agreesively towards me, he says he wants my company but I feel that it’s because I just happen to be around. He’s always asking me to drop him off at the pub, pick him up, give his mates lifts, give him cash coz he’s spent all his and I earn more. He’s very generous with the money he has, on pay day he always buys drinks and takeaways for his mates, he takes me out to dinner (although usually doesn’t talk much and just reads the paper at the table), which sounds great until he can’t pay for any bills, all his direct debits bounce and I have to sort out the mess. It’s so tiring being with someone who can’t manage themselves.
Anyway, he recently quit his job of 5 years, we lived on the farm where he worked. He’d been dealing with some really bad bullying at work and I felt very sorry for him, but when he quit he didn’t hand his notice in, he just said that I needed to hire a van, pack up our stuff and he was going back to his parents which was 100 miles away. So, we left, he moved back that day, he didn’t even ask what I was going to do, I had to sort out our cats a temporary home and I have been staying with friends so I can still get to work locally. He’s since realised that getting another job isn’t so easy and is a bit down that his life’s not going anywhere.
Two months later, I’ve managed to rent a flat for myself and am seriously thinking that I don’t want him to come back. I want to make my own life because I have been happier and not had any of the abuse (verbal) I got when he was around. But i’m so torn because the responsbility of being married is so immense to me, it tears me apart to think of leaving him with nothing because I am the very person that made vows and promised to be there through thick and thin and here I am talking about walking away. I’ve tried to talk to him about it and to his credit he’s listened and says he wants to change and is willing to try.
He’s just told me today he thinks he’s got another job and would like to come and move in with me so he can start work, he says it’s too icy on country roads this time of year to take his motorbike to this new farm job so he’ll need to take my car and i’ll have to find my own way to my work. He’ll also need me to support him financially through the first month till payday because he’s saved no money, he says it’s fine because I earn enough. I want to help but i’m so fed up with being made a mug of.
I’m trying to be objective but I don’t want a life like this where someone is draining my resources emotionally, physically, and financially but leaving the man I married (who is a kind generous person underneath this oaf) is an unbearable though and I don’t know if I could survive it. I’ve never felt so down in my life at this huge crossroads.
I could really do with some advice if anyone can help.
The following is for you girls/women who are living with a husband who is unloving, controlling, rude/impolite, emotionally abusive or emotionally neglectful; I lived with a man like this and I stayed with him for 35 years for a few different reasons but guess what. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get him to behave like even a half-way decent human being toward me. My adult children and I are paying for it now because I see the harm that it has caused them each in differing ways. If your husband hasn’t taken steps to see a councellor, he won’t and can’t change because he is who is he is. I have grown to strongly dislike men and marriage because of my husband and am planning to leave him now. I’m tired of allowing him to abuse me. I am planning my finances to make the break and hopefully salvage a few happy years. By the way my mother and step father were abusive parents so I was easy prey.
Hi Kasi,
It feels nice to hear from you , is it wrong that we do not love our husbands though they are nice,decent guys who do not cheat .. just imagine even if we have a social life how interesting will it be .. we cannot party our entire lives , or expect friends to live with us for 24/7 .. marriage is something that should not be forced , adjusted instead it should be the most natural thing & everything should revolve around it in a good way .. I should have been the one who should be able to support my partner through thick & thin but here I’m thinking how can I get rid of my husband without hurting him .. let me know what your final decision is that will help me take my decision at the earliest …
@Neha
Looks like we are on the same boat , OMG I felt I was the only one so miserable … my entire family is involved in this marriage , my husband is caring , very adjustable but somehow he doesn’t fit into my life , it just doesn’t feel right .. many people say first few years of marriage are the toughest of all I feel they are toughest because after spending few years with a decent enough guy you would not want to leave him … Just imagine your life before wedding & how it feels now … I have to force myself to love this wonderful man , if I do not get what I want I loose it because he only fulfills my materialistic needs in order to be a responsible husband bottom line is he doesn’t love , he is trying to understand love & pretend as if everything is normal … let me know about your decision , might help me take my decision …
I too am really thinking about leaving after the New Year. My husband has isolated me from everyone in my family including my mom. I have no friends and he wont let me go out or have any fun. All he wants to do is sit at home and play video games and watch movies. We’ve been married 6 years and have a daughter. She is the ONLY reason I have stuck around this long. It sucks when you hurry and fall asleep before he gets home from work just so you dont have to see him.
@ Jay
Thank you so much for your opinion and comment. day by day I feel like I’m getting depressed and not looking forward to see him after work.. Is this hate? or just don’t wanna deal with him anymore? You are right, he is a selfish guy. He wants hes way all the time, I can have friends or I can’t talk to my family when hes around. I need to get out of here. After the New Year I’m gone. I’m leaving him a letter saying I need my freedom and I can’t find the freedom while I’m married to you.
Hi
I have been with my husband for 13 years, I was married previous to him for 15 years (1st hubby was a self confessed womaniser, I grew strong and got rid of him)
The man I am with now is loving, kind, thoughtful etc, why do I want to leave…
He is controlling, None of my family are allowed over, he makes life difficult when my children and grandchildren come to visit.
I feel like I am being suffocated by him. When his own children come over, I have to be sweetness and light, but it all changes when mine come over. I hate being with him when he is like this, and he has changed as the years have gone on. Straight after the new year I am moving out and selling up… I would love to stay just friends with him, but I know that would never happen.
I will keep you updated
@Lj,
No one can tell you if it’s right to leave him: only you can decide that. That being said, however, my vote is for you to leave him. If you stay, you will become angry, bitter, depressed, or anxious. Is that how you want to live your life? He’s not helping you to develop. Think on that!
Besides, you’re young enough now to break free and become a happier person, to live life without the cloud of him over your head. BESIDES, you don’t have kids. RUN RUN RUN!
He won’t change, he won’t listen to you ask him to change, and he is controlling. WHAT? That’s the recipe for a BAD marriage. Don’t do it to yourself. RUN! Find out that REAL love is something you deserve. When you find a man who cares for you, who doesn’t control you but who helps you to achieve your optimal development, you will wonder how you ever stayed with that loser. And, you will say, Thank GAWD I didn’t have kids with him!
Hi Kasi, I feel the same way too. since I got married to my husband I think he is really nice but there is something I have been looking for in a relationship. We have no social life, he rather stay home and go on the computer, if not he would talk about cars or his collections,which im not interested in. I tried to be nice and listen because I don’t want to look like a bitch. But yeah it is really boring and I kinda want to have my freedom back. That I can do whatever I want to do.
I’m 22 years old,I have been married for 4 years with my husband whos 3 years older than me, we have no children and we don’t own a house yet. The reason why i’m thinking to leave my husband is I want freedom. I want to explore the things I have never done yet, since I got married so early. Plus what I have the most about his attitude is he is very controlling, and he chooses who is gonna be my friend, also he does not want me to go out with my friends and have fun. If I don’t follow him he gives me a silent treatment and he tries to make me feel so guilty. our first and second years of our marriage was great I just tried to ignore what i dislike about him and even i confronted him, he never change his attitude.Can someone help me and tell me if it is right to leave him? Im really unhappy and plus it doesn’t help that i’m so home sick. I miss my family that lives in a different country.