Should You Leave Your Husband? 3 Signs It’s Time to Go
First, remember how difficult divorce is.
“A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there’s less of you.” ~ Margaret Atwood.
If you’re thinking about leaving your husband, you need to learn as much about separation and divorce as possible. Read books like Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. Talk to a marriage counselor or marriage coach. See your pastor or spiritual leader.
You’re not looking for someone to tell you what you should do; you’re looking for wise counsel to help you make the right decision.
And, these signs that a marriage is worth fighting for may help you make a decision…
Should You Leave Your Husband?
“There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable,” writes Susan Pease Gadoua in Contemplating Divorce. “There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will be healthy or fulfilling. I call these workability factors.”
Here’s a list of Gadoua’s signs of unhappy marriages, specifically related to safety, love, and esteem needs (based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).
You might leave the marriage if your safety needs aren’t being met because of…
- Lack of trust
- Pathological dishonesty
- Lack of mental, emotional, physical, or financial safety
- Mistreatment
- Lack of communication
You might stay in your marriage if your trust was broken but is reparable, if there’s a mutual desire to create a safe environment, if there is care, concern, and communication.
It may be time to leave your husband if your love needs aren’t being met because of…
- Absence of mutual love
- Infidelity
- No shared interests
- One or both spouses aren’t fully committed to the marriage
- One-sided relationship
If you’re considering divorce, you might think about fighting for your marriage if there is a foundation of mutual love, if both partners are willing to work through physical or emotional infidelity, and if both spouses are willing to recommit to staying married.
You might leave the marriage if your esteem needs aren’t being met because of…
- No esteem from self or spouse, and no desire to change
- No respect at all from spouse
- No common goals
- Unwillingness of at least one spouse to work on marriage
Does your marriage have a foundation of respect, some common goals, and a willingness to work on esteem and marriage issues on the part of both partners? If so, it might be worthwhile to fight for your marriage. If you and your husband respect each other, you may want to focus less on if you should leave your husband and more on fighting for your marriage.
There are no quick and easy answers for the “should I leave my husband?” question – and even the surest signs that it’s time to leave your husband can be complicated and confusing.
“I’ve had countless clients tell me that they don’t want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse’s income, only to eventually realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities,” says Gadoua. “The spouse doesn’t contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.”
For more tips, read You’re Not Happy Married, But Don’t Know If Divorce Is the Answer.
Love doesn’t conquer all
I’m sorry to say that love doesn’t conquer all! You can love your husband with all your heart, but not be able to build a strong, happy marriage together – especially if you’ve lost your personal identity. The lack of romantic love may not always lead to divorce, and the presence of love doesn’t lead to a happy marriage.
As Zsa Zsa Gabor said, “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”
If you don’t want to leave because you invested time in your marriage, read Was My Marriage a Waste of Time? The Silver Lining of Breakups.
Do you want to leave your husband? I welcome your thoughts below…
Category: Breaking Up, Emotional Affairs, Separation & Divorce
I’ve been married for 6 months (we have a 2 year old together) and I feel like it was a huge mistake. I know that people say the first year or two are the hardest in a marriage but I’ve been feeling the same way even before we got married. The wedding was the cherry on top of the relationship and that’s it. I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 years old and now I am 23, before him I had a boyfriend when I was 15 for a year. Now I feel like I want to be on my own. I’ve been attached to a man since I was 15 and I feel tied down. I love my husband, but that’s it. We are complete opposite who barely get along, and honestly I think the best relationship I could have with my husband is a friendship. He agrees with me that we have nothing in common and that we are exact opposites and he sometimes wonders how we’ve made it this long together but I don’t think he sees us breaking up at all, and it’s all I can think about now. I really honestly think that the best thing for me to do for myself is to leave him and be on my own but I don’t want to let my family or his family down since they put a lot of effort into our dead end relationship. I honestly don’t know what to do here.
Hi Laurie ,
(Eagerly waiting for your reply)
My husband & I have been married since 2009 , he is a very nice , intelligent , caring , responsible guy. I got married because my family & friends thought he was the ideal guy for me well I agreed too .. he is not bad really . Something that drives me away form this marriage is that its boring , nothing feels right , shopping, cooking , sex is slow & like chore. He is too genuine & loves to do only right things in life , will laugh when it is right to laugh , will never get angry because he knows it is not the right thing to do . Would never confront me on purpose , whenever I loose my temper he would not act as a catalyst but would try to understand my point of view . All this does not sound that bad , but the real problem is there are no surprises in life , if I ask for something he will definitely give it to me , but again I have to ask for everything in life that includes sex too ..
He would rather sit & read an article than talk something stupid with me , I don’t want to live with him because something is not wrong with him .. He never calls me from work , doesn’t really care how I’m doing if he is busy at work , if I will let him know that I’m unwell he will definitely take me to a doctor but thats it , if I’m sick I will have to let him know .. We just do not understand each other … He has no positive feedbacks for me , no compliments , no friends basically zero percent social life … I am the only one who makes him laugh , I had to teach him the importance of effective talking to his colleagues , relatives . Because though he is a hard worker & intelligent guy most of the time he becomes a pushover .. Now he has improved , has got promoted so that means there is more money flowing in .. but nothing keeps me happy … When I was working I had to work , sometimes OT & even then come back home & work , there was no voluntary help from him , again I asked for help he would do his part & get back to his books & computer .. You know what I mean marriage is not just a responsibility it is more than that , you have to be on the same page emotionally .. you have to understand each other .. he cannot even advice me because he doesn’t know me to decide what is right for me …
In my mind I feel I was much happier with my ex boyfriend though he was not as rich as my husband , we were like best friends , I broke up with him because I saw no future with him but somehow I feel , you can earn money but you cannot earn happiness .. Happiness just comes from within , this relationship took away my confidence , motivation .. I feel like a dumb woman these days but I know its not true looks like I’ve got depression , If I don’t come out of it , i will loose my life without living it to the fullest ..
LAURIE PLEASE REPLY ASAP , I have to make a decision & take control of my life ….
TO everyone who posted here for advice, my advice is go back and read your posts. Your answer is written right there and you wrote it yourself. Love, relationships feel good, they don’t hurt. Even if what you wrote is one sided, there is a problem, nothing should be occurring that makes you want to write these kinds of things. I say this for myself too, as I was about to write my own horror story I read you alls that I could identify with and it suddenly became clear to me. This isn’t what love and marriage should be like. I’m scared as hell but I’m getting out. Yep after 23 years and 7 months, I’m letting it go.
I have been married to my husband for 9 yrs, together for 12 yrs. We have two kids together, and he cheated and also has a 4 yr old son that he got custody of last june, so he now lives with us. I have always worked for the most part, but just recently this past may my husbands job relocated us to Kentucky, all of our family/friends are in Michigan. I am not happy in our marriage, I want out. My husband works 12-14 hrs a day and when he comes home doesnt interract with our two kids but does anything with the 4 yr old. My son who is 9 resents his brother and begs for his dads attention and nothing changes. We have discussed different ways to handle this and change things and he does these things we discuss for a few days then its back to the same old thing. Not only am I not happy but my children are not happy. I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to leave and end our marriage and he threatned me that I was not able to leave with my kids and move back to michigan, that he would charge me with kidnapping. I dont want to get into any trouble, so therefore I have for the meantime, agreed to once again work on things, but the reality is I have contacted lawyers to get information on what my rights are. I have made up my mind I am not happy in this relationship and I just want out. Am I wrong for feeling like this??
I am 42 i have been with my husband for 10 years.We do not have children.I love him very much, he loves me too…But that is simply it..We have no conversation…nothing physical any more. Most of the things he does drives me insane…He,s not cruel, abusive, or unfaithful….I’m just stuck and feel like im counting the days till death do us part…
Well me and my husband have. Been together for a yr and a couple of months. We just had a daughter and now pregnant again. .I love my husband as a person, but can’t stand him. He is so neglectful, he doesn’t care about anything but himself and drinking. It’s so irritating. I want to leave him,but so scared. No job no car. There is no love, we don’t really have sex and when we do it is so boring,like it’s a chore for him. I used to feel so sexy until him. He would rather j*rk off in the bathroom and watch porn on his phone,than touch me. It makes me feel so low. I’ve never been denied by a man. But my own husband has many times. I need advice.
look your not going to get advice quickly here by the looks of things! but I HAVE READ every word written by everybody here, & it looks like we are all in the same boat.. im with my partner 13 yrs , 2 children, 4 yrs & 6 mts , a little baby… but that pr*ck of a so called man is violent, a liar, has no time for his family, wish i never met him, but i love my kids & im scared what effect the break up will have on my lil girl, she adores her dad..just wish we cud all go back in time!!
Where do you go when everything feels numb? I cant survive financially with 3 children. Every night I cry myself to sleep. I don’t have family to turn to and I don’t have anywhere to run. I am miserable every time he walks through the door. I once loved him now I have grown to hate him
Hello Laurie,
I have been married for 33 years. I cheated on my wife twice early in our marriage. I confessed, and we made it work. Last summer she was away and I found myself cheating once more. She came back, and I told her. This was 5 months ago. She is now, after trying to forgive deciding she doesn’t want to try any longer. So we are going to separate, possibly divorce. I am heart broken and hurt for what I have done. Please tell your readers there is no room in our hearts for such hurt. An affair is never worth the cost of emotional hurt. I have tried to no avail to make it better, but you can only break someones heart once to many times.
Signed, sad, lonely, and terribly sorry
I most gratefully appreciate all the stories here on this forum. I believe my situation is a bit different. I have been married for 37 years to one man. I have two grown children. My husband decided he no longer required sex nor is he remotely interested in meeting my needs on this matter. I have been without physical touch for more than 16 years. Since I was 42 to be exact. We always have gotten along better than most people and though times have had major ups and dramatic downs, we just do not fight about money. We have no cheating issues either. So the problem with me is that he is just blatantly unwilling to meet my needs.. I find this a dealbreaker.. My problem is we get along so well if I live in his world and deny the need to be touched. IF I wake up one day and it hits me hard what he is getting by with, I ask him nicely why, why, why did he make this decision and leave me out of it? I love him and I do understand he has issues.. He has always had issues from his upbringing.. He lived with a Dad and stepmom who were not nurturing. The Stepmom was allowed free reign and she stomped my husband into the ground like a rusty nail.. He was degraded and disparaged, and mistreated with her lust for perfection. He was slapped for not making his bed perfect. I mean military perfect. As a young man, he was kind, patient, generous, and loving. As a husband,I did not live with him until the day of marriage, he was wonderful at first.. He ended up becoming stern and controlling.. MY whole problem is I was raised by loving real people. We were not apt to hid anything from anyone to prove how great we were. I see his people are the opposite. They had a dirty little secret of verbal abuse that would make good reading for a case of child abuse. I feel he married me to show them he was worthy of success and that he had attained it.. Perfect wife, son, and daughter. I found I was hellbent on making it all up to him. HE was never expected to do much at home and I waited on him daily. I actually loved doing this and he appreciated it. He worked like a mule for us and so did I outside and inside the home, but I ended up doing it all.. Children and I were always waiting for him to come home. He became a true workaholic. Recently, I snapped as I realized that my entire life with my husband from 20 years of age was not the norm for other women. He is abusive when I ask about anything to do with physical love. He starts screaming at me.. then after all the upset and tears, we settle down into the void of superficial sentiments and greetings.. I serve him food and wait on him and he brings his check home to me. I want love, yet I am feeling like everything is my fault. This has been my purpose in life in this family. To bear the brunt of all blame in this world and in any negative aspect of our lives. My children blame me if we do not have money as we used to; they never address their angst towards my husband. I offered him the ultimatum to love me or I will find love. He knows I am co-dependent and been with only him my whole life. He milks guilt from me daily and uses it against me. I want to leave and I know I can find someone. I am 58 but I am much as I was in my very early years. GOD has given me a very youthful appearance and even at this age, I appear much younger to men nearer to my son’s age. I am not vain and only mention this as it is the truth and I am praised everyday I present my license. I know I have the personality and brains to seek and find what I desire most in life. That being the free stuff….love, touch, fairness, and reciprocal love. This is hard for me as I am worried that when I find my next companion, will I truly be able to feel like I belong? This is a very big thing for me. I need help. I am not wanting to really leave my husband as I pity him and love him too.. Love does not die if it was real in the first place. This is my own perception regarding myself. What does this sound like to others? He pushed me away when I told him my Mom just died and he told me to go away and get over it..He also walked out on a surgery where he was supposed to remain there. He is uncaring, passive aggressive, and the most shameful horrible trait he has is one of complete and utter indifference!! Help me be strong or I would much more prefer to die.
I absolutely know now I am going to leave my husband. We have been together for almost 8 years and married for less than a year. The man has never cheated on. He has always busted his butt to make ends meet. He has only confronted me a couple of times in an angry way. Yet, he is a nasty ogre to our 4 and 6 yr old daughters, especially the younger one. I’ve read about 90% of all the posts here, and have noticed the main themes about each ones. We all have different values, and these differences between us and our partners is what drives us most crazy I think. I know a lot of you would give anything to have a man like mine, but to me, acts of service are nothing special. They are the things that need to be done.
I feel that to make the relationship of husband and wife as special as it’s supposed to be, it takes rich, honest, FREQUENT, sincere appreciation for each other. Gifts, surprizes, love letters, massages, desire, thinking of each other throughout the day and telling the other that, especially that you miss them and can’t wait to see them again, telling each other why you are so special and important to each other, being creative with the time and money you have is all you need for together time to be memorable and fulfilling.
My stupid husband will never appreciate these things though. He only strives to survive. And if that’s how life is only supposed to be, then KILL ME NOW!
Thankfully I know better. Is there another relationship instore? Nope, doubt it. I just need to focus on regaining my individual identity. And spend the next couple of decades devoted to raising my children. They deserve much better than what they’ve had to suffer through their fragile tender years.
Ladies,
I did not read everyone’s post but I did read enough to see that the majority of you have the same issues and I noticed that most of you claim that you can’t leave beacause of your children. Please understand that it is more damaging for your children to grow up in an unhealthy environment witnessing abuse and mistreatment than them being separated from the situation. It is not selfish for you to get away from abuse, whether it be mentally, physically, or emotionally. Please know that kids mimic what they see, and you are not protecting them by staying in an abusive relationship. I am totally against divorce, but in some cases, it is necessary, however, I am all for separating yourself if you feel unsafe, or if you can’t get along, until you and your husband can figure out a healthy solution for everyone involved. I came on this website because my life has been hell with my husband, or so I thought, but by reading some of your posts, I see that it could be much worse, and I realized that we can work through our issues. One tool that has helped us thus far is prayer. Prayer does change things because God is bigger than any problem you may have. He will give you strength, comfort, love, peace, joy, understanding, knowledge, and any and everything you need to get through these times. God loves you and He wants you to be happy. He has all the answers, all you have to do is ask. Seek Him. Try this website: http://WWW.crosswalk.com
i have this problem too, my fiancee and i have been together for 5 years, we have brought 2 houses and had 2 kids in that peiod of time. im 22 now and he is 25, our relationship has been on the rocks almost from the start, and even now almost 5 years on he doesnt talk to me, ignores me, doesnt want sex, tells me to cook when he is hungry cause it is my job, he yells bad things at the kids, has gone to hit me and headbutt me a couple of times.
we have a joint bank account but i am not allowed to spend anything unless he tells me i can and how much only. he wont let me get a day job cause daycare will cost us about $600 a week so i have been looking for another night job. and while he was sitting at the computer tonight and i asked what you up to? and he just said “im handing your resume into my work for night shifts”. and im scared because severe OCD, social phobia and severe anxiety to the point where i struggle to breath and my throat tightens and i cant keep a job because my mind goes blank and i leave or quit. and it is hard enough being at home looking after the kids without his help even when he is home. if i get this job im gonna have to work from 6pm – 5am our kids (3 & 1) are up at 6.30 every morning and do not let me sleep when they are awake.
not to mention it is a 20 min drive out there. ive been exercising and have lost 6kg and almost 20cm and that seems to make him dispize me more. he also says he would let guys sleep with me for money???? wtf???? he loves his money we have $7500+ in our bank but he still treats me like shit cause thats not enough :/ he saves real hard which i fully understand but why blame me when i dont spend any? even at night when i climb into bed he turns his back to me.
i think he stays with me because he has so much to lose if we split. and i am sticking by cause i love him and dont want my babies growing up in a broken family like me, plus who would want a 22 year old with 2 kids and broken life?
I need an opinion, just your opinion. I have come to U.S. because I’ve got a job. I’m well paid professional, now studying to get second degree. My husband lost his job back home just after our marriage. He was home-stay for 8 months before we moved to the States. Now, we’ve spent here 2 years and nothing changed. He claims that 1. English is so crazy he can’t learn it 2. the are where we live is a “white collar” city so he can’t find a job. He doesn’t have any completed education. But he doesn’t wan to do “dirty” job as well! All I say is turned around and twisted. We don’t have kids because he says I am not a kid person, all I do is work. Yes – beause I have to apy our bills! I really lost myself, I used to be thinking person, read a lot of books but now I am crying person… I don’t see our future because I know – the responsibility is just on me, not on two of us. I tired being machine making sure everything is fine and he has all his toys (he loves computer games)… Am I stupid? Why all this feels so wrong, he is trying to convince me that later (God knows when) he will have his business (because I will earn money for that) and we will be fine… I don’t believe it!!!! I feel So lost…
Hi there, not really an answer as such to any of the posts but in terms of advice, we have to go with our hearts and insticts from the very start, yes finance, children even love often stop us from making the changes.
I have been married for 15 years now, married quickly after meeting him a year earlier. once my son was born 13 years ago, the lies and first affair occured. At that time i knew i would not feel the same but stayed for the sake of it really and my child, thinking he would be too damaged. I now realise i should have gone then. 13 years later, my husband has 3 children as a result of affairs with 3 different women (if you can call themm that as they know about me and my child)!! Basically i am now quite bitter that what i think were the best years of my life in my 20′s and 30′s were wasted on someone who very rarely loved me for who i am and the only positive was my son who i adore (and he does too in fairness). I warned him not to go downn the route of affairs and even not to have extra marital relationships!! maybe this was the problem.
Anyway i am now asking for separation and taking steps towards this. Has to be done now as i want to be able to move on with my life as i know there are decent human beings out there that will love me like a person and not like something the cat dragged in!! Sometimes I think we settle for less because we feel we cant do better and its easier to just stick with it. one thing i do know is that i hate confrontation and love an easy life. Thats why 13 years later i am still her. I have started the hellish road to ‘getting away’ from him and know i will get through this with the support of friends and family, who have never put him down or told me to leave. We have to focus on self and believe in ourselves. There is life after divorce / separation and despite the emotional battering we may go through during the relationship and separation, i am sure for me at least it will be worth it. my son is now 13 very confident and aware of what is happening and seems ‘cool’ with it although i realise he will feel sad about it all and need to keeep an eye on him. STAY STRONG, LOVE SELF, LOVE LIFE, thats what i intend to do
Hello, I am 23 and I have been with my husband for 9yrs and been married for 2yrs. We have 3 kids together. All before we got married. He has lied to me since day one, always promising he was going to change, Me being so dumb and in love i believed him every time. Now its to the point where I cant take it anymore. I want my kids to see what being happy is all about. But i cant even show them that because I am not. He lies about ANY AND EVERYTHING. when i was 15 i was so stupid because even when i did catch him in a lie he would lie his way out making me believe him. I cannot believe i was so stupid to stay with him. I was publicly humiliated by him twice. He let his step-father call me all kinds of names and doesn’t say anything about it (slut,stupid) he lets anyone do that even females he was involved with and don’t even say anything. he always brings friends over, we never have any family time. the only time he apologies about anything to me is if i fuss and scream or cry about it. which leads me to believe he doesn’t really care because he only doing it because i say something about it. we can never have a conversation, and they very few time we do it always ends up in an argument. i am really tired of the promise to change every week and its always the same thing. I really think i should leave him. i am honestly only staying for the kids, but i think im going to go crazy. that and i dont have a job, car< all his, and im in school and looking for a job right now.
I am 24 yrs old and I am married to a 21 yr old. We have been married for a little over a year. I know ppl say the first couple of months or years are the most hardest but I can not stand for someone to lie to me. He constantly lies about EVERYTHING!! Yes he has cheated on me before we got married and I found he kept in contact with an ex that we have had problems with so many times before. Its like he doesnt even care if he hurts me by lying. He lies about little things like where he has been even if he was with his friends. I just dont understand. I dont think he has cheated on me recently but the way he lies to me I really dont even know. I love him but he makes it soo hard to continue to love him. What advice does anyone have on lying husbands? I know it may seem small but I can not stand being lied to ALL the time. He just promised 2 nights ago that he wasnt going to lie to me anymore right after he got caught in a lie. I just dont get it he makes me hate him sometimes. I just need some kind of advice PLEASE!!!!
I did not read all the storys. I’m married 13 yrs this Feb.2011 we have 3 daughters ages 12, 11, and 6. I’m 35. I love my husband and I beleive some day dome time he loved me and still loves me. But a few years ago times financial and life got a little touch. He and I are still together. He is 8 years older than me I should mention. He decided a year ago that he was going to pursue his dream of becoming an mms fighter. Yes I did support him and beleive that if it was 10 yrs ago he would absolutely be ruling the ufc. But I did not want to make him feel I did not beleive in him.and I did. We NEVER HAD A FUNCTIONAL NORMAL marriage. But now I found he has lied and gotten physical with me, he neglects our daughters , he does no longer work, he does not speak to me and god forbid I ask him a question. Even one as simple as are you going to our kids thing today? He flys off handle. He has become physical and is neglecting our bills and our kids.I found out he has bank accounts in his name and p.o. boxes with his own mail. I talked to mortgage company, car leasing company and insurce companys, and he’s got specific notes not to speak to me. As I type this I need to get strength. He really is not my husband and I need all it prayers to just get strength to leave him
I have been married to my husband for 5+ years. I do not love him anymore. He doesn’t seem to care. I haven’t left him because it does not seem like the right thing to do. He not only ignores me, he has said horrible things about me behind my back to all of his family. From the start, he has said things about me to his family that ruined my relationships with him. On our honeymoon he refused to leave with me because he had to entertain his friends. His perception of the past is soo different than mine. He gets and idea in his head and whether it is true or not, he forces it to be true. He says abusive things to me, and he says I made him this way. He uses hurts I have had in the past against me. For instaces, “no wonder your family doesn’t want anyhting to do with you.” We went to a therapist and admittedly I came across as overbearing. She made her assessments of me fairly negative in front of my husband and now he uses that against me as well. He refuses to work. he got aninheraitance a couple of years ago, which he hides from me, and he has not worked since. I wish I had never married him. This same therapist suggested we order this book to god to leave to bad to stay. He ordered it right away. I was very dissappointed that the therapist was so bias against me, but in a way I deserved it. I just wish I wasnot married to a man who enjoyed it so much.
I need some serious advice here. I’ve read the posts and I’ve even became more confused. I think I know what I need to do, but I’m really afraid of the long term consequences I face.
I’ve been married for 22 years. For both of us, this is our second marriage. At first our marriage was great. We have a lot in common, and enjoy each others company very much. I had a daughter from a previous marriage, and then 4 years after we were married we had a son. Shortly after my son was born, my husband became physically and emotionally abusive, to the point he was arrested for domestic violence. I left him for a short while. But then he begged that I come home. So I did… He went to a court ordered anger management class, and they seemed to help him. However, I can count on one hand how many times we’ve had sex since that time.
At this point we hardly argue or have any disagreements; we have good conversations; do a lot of out door activities together, and have many other several common interests. I feel that we are basically coexisting day by day in; for the most part an emotionless relationship, maybe more like roommates. I feel like I’ve just settled because it’s easier. I think it’s mostly due to the fact I’m afraid to disagree or argue with him in fear that his temper will flare up again, which it has a few times through out the years. I can be scary…
Now I’ve met a man that makes me feel really good inside, he has brought up some feelings and emotions that I forgot even existed. My heart is softening, but wants to be couscous at the same time. He tells me that I’m beautiful inside and out, and that I deserve a better in life. I am falling for this person, as it’s so nice to feel beautiful inside again. I don’t know what to do and would love some advice if anyone has some.
Thank you.
I am married now for 6 years and I want to leave but cannot for some reason. I think I make up my mind, but when it comes to packing and leaving I cannot. We have two boys together 5 and 3. I love my husband, but not in love with him anymore. I have done things behind his back financially (payday loans) to help keep us afloat due to alot of finanical issues we are having. I have asked him many times to get a second job or work OT to help, but he doesnt and then blames me for our money problems, when I feel I am doing the best I can. He accepts no responsibility except to say “I should have been watching you more closely” I am not the only one to blame! I asked him to take over bills and he wont do it. Still blames me for money issues. He says you are not going crazy christmas shopping and I say you do the shopping this year and he gets pissed off. WTH? Help I dont know what to do. I cannot live with the blame, guilt, lack of trust anymore. I have told him how I feel, but no change on his part. HELP! I am not scared of being on my own. I have raised two other children on my own they are 21 and 19 and doing very well for themselves.
I have got separated notonmy own but being forced by husband and inlaws to move out of house. My husband was never able to understand his role of being a husband. He is an innocent kid who simply gets mould by his mother. irony is he could never understand what his mother did to us. His mother always caused irreparable damages and then pretended that she is the only one who tried for repairing. Husband is very rigid and whever he presumed , then he never listened even if happenings were far away from his wrong presumptions. I being married for 9 months. To me divorce was a BIGGGGGGGG thing. Initially , marriage being a new experience to me even I did few mistakes like fighting with husband on the lies he told but then after understanding things I made hell lot of efforts to save marriage. He never agreed for going to a councellor or discussing the things going wrong between us. he being the only child of his parents, He always took me wrong and always thought if am playing some dirty tricks to separate him from his parents, which I never tried for. The only expectation was to have my own place too and rather than mixing/messing up all relations every relation should be given its due importance. Had bad fights, mental trauma, cries, requests, mental tortures. But he never understood what all I was going through. Had doubts on each and everything I do. Was never ready to listen or accept the loop wholes in him. Now since I being separated, I am confused should I stay with this person, as a human he is not a bad person, it was just his immaturity. I married him seeing his vision, thinking. But abruptly its not his thinking that was present in marriage , it was his mother’s thinking that worked all the time. Is it worth living with such person who never loved me, cared for me, understood me. He left me alone all of a sudden. was never there with me in my thick and thin. One more problem with his is he is very selfish and has no understanding of emotions, feelings, love. He never tried to resolve the issues between us. The only consideration was telling my relatives and spoiling my image in front of them. Is it worth forgiving this man and keep on struggling for a happy life with him.
thanks for skipping over me-
I’m completely lost and advice would be greatly appreciated. I’ve read everyones posts and they sound very similar. Advice seems so easy when its someone else going through problems but when the problem is your own, its exhausting just thinking about it. I’ve been married for 4 years. It’s been a very long 4 years. I love my husband because he is the father of my child but I can’t dig deep enough to be in love with him. As a comparison, we probably get along one week out of a month maybe. We have nothing in common but the child we share and the love for her. He is a very angry person and if I make him mad at all, he will make sure to talk about it all day. Sometimes he even goes outside and yells at me when I’m in the house. I stay away from the neighbors because I’m too embarrassed to talk to them because I’m sure they have heard him call me all kinds of names. When he gets like this, he doesn’t care who is around….he calls me names in front of my daughter all of the time. I’m so tired of arguing. He has been physically abusive only few times but it’s mostly mentally. I’ve been trying to tell myself to just leave but I have this overwhelming guilt that I’m being selfish and it’s not that bad. I don’t know why I have this guilt. Almost like I feel sorry for him and its tearing my heart out. I feel bad for my daughter too because I would be taking her from her “home”. I feel like more damage is being done to her because she has to witness it all and it depresses me. I doubt every decision I make because I think of how it will effect her. I want to live a happy life and I want her to see me happy all of the time but this is the hardest decision that I have ever faced and I’m afraid that I’m going to make the wrong one and make our lives harder. I get so mad because I feel like I’m forgetting my happiness to salvage his feelings.
Hi there – I have been with my husband for 24 years, married for 20. When we first met I was quite shy had never been wined and dined so meeting him was a new experience. His first wife had left him of 7 years so he was sowing his seeds as he put it so I was one of many women he was dating. I found thisa challenge and the relationship was very sexual. He decided seeing other women wasn’t working we decided to be a couple a year later we had our first son. We were happy.
He progressed in his work, I had two more sons since then, he put on weight thought more of work. I have done everything – he has never been the father that would take the boys out alone not even now they are 15, 18 and21.
He has let me do what I like, spend what I like. I have been stressed with having to cope with everything mOney has now gone, we have a lot of debt we still have a mortgage. Over the years I will admit I have been horrible to him, he calls me a bitch and he calls himself an idiot for letting things be the way they are.
I haven’t fancied him for ten years, but kept thinking thiswas a silly phase. He had anaffair 7 years ago and I thought then it would be over but we tried again, but I still kept thinking about it and the fact he had affairs throughout his first marriage.
3 years ago I told him I didn’t love him, I slept on the sofa he joined several dating sites and dated approx 30 women or so he says just to talk to them. We went for a drink to chat away from the children, he asked me if we were both single and I came over to ask you for a drink wouldyou be interested I answered no.
Well he ended up meeting someone he really liked ten years younger than himself, he said he would stay in the family home and I would move out with nothing – I got scared and wanted to try again told him I loved him.
Well this year I was diagnosed with a stomach problem and could have been cancer, he didn’t once show any affection just sat inhospitable chair, he has no friend, doesn’t know how to communicate which kills me as I can talk for England. He was then diagnosed with high blood pressure which scared the hell out of me. I had been telling him for yearsre his weight etc but he just buried his head in the sand as usual. Said I had kicked him into a corner and was hiding in his shell.
Life is too short to be unhappy, I feel very guilty as I have a good life brilliant kids lovely home, my freedom to do what I want, beautiful friends who will listen and support me.
Anyway I have told him I don’t love him anymore 3 years after the last time, the problem I have is I have two businesses working from home – a new wholesale business with money I can’t touch coming in as I need to keep buying stock, the other doesn’t pay well. I haven’t money whatsoever. I feel trapped.
We were supposed to be telling the children last night but i can’t I’m too scared, we would have to sell the house, my husband has bad credit so wouldn’t get another mortgage. Everyone’s life would have to change because of me.
I know that I would find happiness and i have alot of love to give but I need to find me as a person first. My husband isnot a bad man, he never goes out – we are talking more now than we ever have but I don’t feel anything for him except he is a friend and father of my children.
So my problem is always down to finances and being safe and comfortable in my home. I haven’t known anything different for 24 years and im very scared.