Should You Leave Your Husband? Help Deciding What to Do
How to Decide if You Should Leave Your Husband
Deciding if you should leave your husband isn’t easy, even if he’s the biggest jerk in the world! Here’s help deciding what to do – a few tips and ideas for women thinking about leaving…
First, remember how difficult divorce is.
“A divorce is like an amputation; you survive it, but there’s less of you.” ~ Margaret Atwood.
If you’re thinking about leaving your husband, you need to learn as much about separation and divorce as possible. Read books like Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go. Talk to a marriage counselor or marriage coach. See your pastor or spiritual leader.
You’re not looking for someone to tell you what you should do; you’re looking for wise counsel to help you make the right decision.
And, these signs that a marriage is worth fighting for may help you make a decision…
Should You Leave Your Husband?
“There are certain factors that suggest a relationship is workable and salvageable,” writes Susan Pease Gadoua in Contemplating Divorce. “There are other factors in marriages that, if present, indicate a low probability that the relationship will be healthy or fulfilling. I call these workability factors.”
Here’s a list of Gadoua’s signs of unhappy marriages, specifically related to safety, love, and esteem needs (based on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs).
You might leave the marriage if your safety needs aren’t being met because of…
- Lack of trust
- Pathological dishonesty
- Lack of mental, emotional, physical, or financial safety
- Mistreatment
- Lack of communication
You might stay in your marriage if your trust was broken but is reparable, if there’s a mutual desire to create a safe environment, if there is care, concern, and communication.
It may be time to leave your husband if your love needs aren’t being met because of…
- Absence of mutual love
- Infidelity
- No shared interests
- One or both spouses aren’t fully committed to the marriage
- One-sided relationship
If you’re considering divorce, you might think about fighting for your marriage if there is a foundation of mutual love, if both partners are willing to work through physical or emotional infidelity, and if both spouses are willing to recommit to staying married.
You might leave the marriage if your esteem needs aren’t being met because of…
- No esteem from self or spouse, and no desire to change
- No respect at all from spouse
- No common goals
- Unwillingness of at least one spouse to work on marriage
Does your marriage have a foundation of respect, some common goals, and a willingness to work on esteem and marriage issues on the part of both partners? If so, it might be worthwhile to fight for your marriage. If you and your husband respect each other, you may want to focus less on if you should leave your husband and more on fighting for your marriage.
There are no quick and easy answers for the “should I leave my husband?” question – and even the surest signs that it’s time to leave your husband can be complicated and confusing.
“I’ve had countless clients tell me that they don’t want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse’s income, only to eventually realize that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities,” says Gadoua. “The spouse doesn’t contribute to the marriage but, rather, takes from it.”
For more tips, read You’re Not Happy Married, But Don’t Know If Divorce Is the Answer.
Love doesn’t conquer all
I’m sorry to say that love doesn’t conquer all! You can love your husband with all your heart, but not be able to build a strong, happy marriage together – especially if you’ve lost your personal identity. The lack of romantic love may not always lead to divorce, and the presence of love doesn’t lead to a happy marriage.
As Zsa Zsa Gabor said, “Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.”
If you don’t want to leave because you invested time in your marriage, read Was My Marriage a Waste of Time? The Silver Lining of Breakups.
Should you leave your husband? I welcome your thoughts below…
Related Articles:
- Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay – Help for Failing Marriages
- Getting Over Getting Dumped – How to Mend a Broken Heart
- How to Move On After Breaking Up With Someone You Love
Category: Breaking Up, Emotional Affairs, Physical Affairs, Separation & Divorce
My problem is more along the line of my husband’s ex. My husband and I have been married two years and have a child of our own. His ex has all of a sudden decided this year that she wants him back not because she loves him but to foot her finacial load (even though she gets child support, we supply all medical school and misc. needs, and she receives government help). She has moved in with his father by telling him that she has no money or place to live and we rufuse to let the kids live with us. She now makes weekly visit to his mother (who she has had arrested twice) claiming the kids want to see her. She also now shows up whenever a family or friend function is going on to drop the kids off after she tells us she has plans and they can’t come. She has told the kids to not speak to me when they are suppose to come for their visits and tells me and my husband that the kids are just between her and him. Yet she texts me daily trying to ask me questions about trival things for the kids. She also has the kids (14 and 12) calling me a b***h, shooting me birds, making comments “my mom could be here with her family if you would leave”, and sending me nasty text saying her family wanted her there but she had to leave because I am a b***h. When my husband and I met they were already divorced (she wanted and got) and she was living with her boyfriend. Might I add she is bipolar but refuses treatment or medication. I have tried to explaing this to my husband and his family but they say I should just ignore her and the kids they will stop after awhile. His parents will tell me my kids are not angels (they have never disrespected my husband or his family), so don’t expect their grandchildren to be. My husband says he will just sign his rights away….that I will not allow him to do. So I am debating on just walking away because it is not fair for so much tension or my husband to have to choose, but I just can’t do it anymore.
Wow, ladies you are not alone–why do we fall for these guys who do nothing but hurt us…my husband does compliment me, however, over the last 12 years he has done nothing more than kiss his ex’s ass who is clinically insane…I think men like women who need them..then once that woman is done w/ them, the ego is so damaged that they use up all that energy to win back the approval of the crazy woman…just like my husband…he went to great lengths to provide for her financially, everything down to her make-up,,,he felt sorry for her b/c she was fired from her job several years prior…but when I ask for $5, I have to pay the MF’er back…did not see this until about 2 years into the marriage…now I have very little money and he lost his job, but refuses to find another, but anytime that ex calls for $$$, he’s there I don’t get it. He even paid for her mental hospital stay due to a nervous breakdown & hid that from me until I found the bill like 2 years ago…he makes excuses that this is all in the past & I need to get over it & he did not do anything wrong…REALLY????!!!
last January my husband received a text from someone calling him daddy and telling him she loved him. when i confronted him he told me he has been having sex with protitutes for years, racked up credit cards doing it and now he has a 17 yr old girl that he refuses to stop texting and hanging out with. Turns out she was the one calling him daddy. i have found text where he tells her she is beautiful and he loves her. I have been married for 15yrs and i don’t know why i am so scared to leave him? This isn’t a marriage. I spend everyday either angry or crying. I don’t know what to do?
I am also in the same shoes of wondering whether to leave or not. I have come to realise that my husband is not who i thought he is. i blame my self i married him before i knew who he really was. Now i realized that i don’t even like him. He doesnt say nice things to me, like complement me, with our some he is always second guessing me, and he always has to oppose anything i say as far as our some in concerned, when i married him i told him i don’t want a son who drinks and he drinks now. I have repeatedly caught him talking to his ex who has caused nothing but trouble between us since the day we met, but he keeps going back to her and i don’t know if there is anything going on. He make decisions without consulting me, recently he quit his job just because he doesn’t like his boss who was harassing him. He goes and does things that he know i will not like but makes the decision to do them anyway without considering my feelings. and still with all this, i have made efforts to make the relationship work, i read books, i listen to good advice from other people, if i see something goo on tv i try that, anything i can think of, only for him to tell me recently that, “we dont live on tv or in books, and what works for other people, wont work for him” and that, what he was back then when i met him and fell in love with him was then and this is now i should take him the way he is. What am i supposed to do now, what would do?……….I no longer feel any love for him, I can’t even bring my self to sleep with him, sometimes i can’t even stand looking at him because he makes me so angry………..I am unhappy and i dont know what to do, because i have to think of my son.
So my husband choked me about two weeks ago. I called cops the day after so he could get out without following me around the house. Anyway i need a lawyer but i dnt have money can anyone help me please!!!!!!!!!!
Husband is always working, calls me a simple b**ch all the time…we tried counseling but he stays in denial and blames me for all. He had dentures done in June of 2011 and stated he is going to stop smoking due to having dentures.well unfortunately he has not done so, and consistly lies when I bring it to his attention that he says of nicotine. I also have find that he does not talk to me regarding his daughter and finacial bills when it comes to her and does not help on supporting our son we have together. I set him up the other evening with a folded piece of paper I placed at the corner of his desk like I just seat it there for a moment..when I questioned him as to where or has he seen it and said he did not know what I was speaking of..I know for sure he took it because I left it there and seen it right before he seat down at his desk. If he can’t be truthful about that then what else may he be keeping from me and lying about…he can’t be trusted. I just wish he could change his ways and involve me in matters and finances being I am his wife. It is really stressing me out and I don’t want to leave, I love him but how can I love a man that is treating me like a mop, maid and everything else but a way a wife should be treated.
Susan… I feel myself in your words. Counceling hasn’t helped. I take care of everything around the house, our kids, I work to go to school because he won’t support me going to school. If I want our child to go to a good daycare, I have to pay for it. I’ve recently ran into an ex as well and he is in a very unfullfilling marriage as well. I haven’t realized until the way my ex treated me… which was amazing… how much my husband lacks and how he has never made me feel as time worthy as my ex has. He won’t stand up to his family or friends who treat me like crap. I feel like he is a child as well. He does everything I do nothing. I’m so tired, but scared. I’ve been with him for 12 years. As I have learned with going to school… everything is so scary until you figure things out and adapt.
Susan, contacting your ex was a big mistake. You havent been in a relationship with him for 18 years so, presumably you were young when you broke up? You are having romantic thoughts/feelings about him but you dont really know him, not now after all these years. Please be warned…I have two female friends who were both married and had children. Ultimately, their marriages became ‘boring’ and they both contacted, met up with and subsequently had a relationship with their ex’s. Both relationships have been disastrous. One friend moved many hundreds of miles to live with the ex in his house (he was divorced). She had no idea what living with him would be like – he has become alcohol dependent and abusive and she is now living in a separate part of the house (which is fortunately very large!). Both friends have told me that re-kindling the relationship with their ex’s was the biggest mistake of their lives and they deeply regret it. One friend’s husband has divorced her and has re-married which deeply distresses her as she tried to get back with him but he just turned his back on her.
For the sake of your children and YOUR future happiness you must think very carefully. How do you know that your ex (or any other guy for that matter!) will be that much different to your husband. ALL men do things we dont want them to do and MOST women dont fancy sex with the same guy for ever and ever. I bet if he came home tomorrow and told you he had found a new (younger) woman and was leaving you, it would hurt like hell. Its your choice, but be careful…….
It would have been fair for all husbands, or should I say soon to be ex husbands, to write their version of the story.
Unfortunately, there are always 2 sides in a story.
Funny what you can find on the internet though.
When your wife leaves you it is devastating, I can assure you. When you find out what she really thinks of you by reading these posts is a million times worst. Finding out that there are feelings for another man, well I can’t describe that…
You fell in love with once; it is very possible to do it again. Your stress just does not allow you to see it sometimes. (Just a thought Susan)
I believe your marriage is repairable with hard work. Maybe your husband just needs you to encourage and motivate him. Yes this is almost like teaching your children, but his up bringing could have played a major role on who he is today. If he is not abusive nor cheating I say ” try and work it out. Remember why you married him in the first place.” You will be suprised on how much he will change if maybe he felt some kind of self worth this may not be your fault on why he may feel this way.(I do believe from what your explaining that he has low self esteem) But when you marry you marry for better or for worse. Just help him. Sometimes a sacrifice can be very rewarding especially if he is not cheating or abusive. Your ex is just an exscape from reality. You only have memories with him BEFORE KIDS and really BEFORE ANY RESPONSIBILTY. The grass is not always greener on the other side. (Just a thought)
Susan – I felt like I was reading my own words when I read your post. The only difference is my husband and I have been together for 4 years and married almost 3. We have two kids: boy and girl both under the age of two. We got married really quick and didn’t have time to get to know one another before I got pregnant. He works all day Mon-Fri and feels that he needs a break Fri and Sat night to play xbox. I don’t blame him but on the other hand we have kids and i believe once you have kids you don’t get a ‘break’. Both parents need to do equal parts child rearing and I feel like I’m not getting that. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, maintaining house, and child rearing: even when he is home. He doesn’t touch me like he used to in the beginning of our relationship and the only time he does is if he wants to have sexual relations. I have friends whose husbands help out a lot at home with cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids and it makes me angry that mine doesn’t even consider doing those things for me. It seems that as long as I’m doing it all then everything should be okay and he doesn’t see the problem in this. I have brought it up so often that I need help around the house and with the kids and that it isn’t fair that every weekend he gets to play games until 2 in the morning while I still have to get up in the night with the kids and get up with them in the morning and let him sleep.
I recently noticed that I have started to lose romantic interest in him because of all of this. I feel like I can’t be bluntly honest with him because I’m afraid of how he’ll respond or that he won’t respond and nothing will change. He was raised in an environment where the man makes the money and that’s all he needs to do and the woman stays home with the kids and takes care of everything else; the husband shouldn’t have to do anything else once he clocks out from work. On some level I agree but at the same time I believe that to make a marriage work both spouses need to be equally responsible in the relationship and I feel like that is not what’s happening here. Coming from a separated home myself I know that it’s not best for the kids to stay together if one or both parents are unhappy. I also believe that once you lose the romantic interest in your spouse because of the above things you and I said, you can’t get that back. Not if it’s too late, even if your spouse is just now trying to make amends and change. There comes a point that it is simply too late.
I have no idea what to do and I feel like crying or exploding most of the time and am seriously considering going to a counselor by myself. Maybe talking to someone will help me out.
hi. I am married for 3 years now, been together for 5 but the last 2 years of our marriage I wasn’t there. he was alone. we have no kids…and I left the country. now i am better…i am myself, i am in peace with my things around here. the only thing that bothers me is that i dont know if i should divorce him or not…i think i am afraid. i also have to say that i cheated on him twice. can u help???
I have been married for 13 years; and been with him for almost 15 altogether. I was totally in love with him at first, but I just realized 3 months ago that I was having feelings for an ex that I haven’t seen for a long time (18 years). When I tried to think about where these feelings were coming from, I realized that I have been very unhappy in my marriage for a long time. My husband has been playing computer games and Xbox games so much that I feel I have been neglected for years. We have always been struggling with debt, which stresses me out so much. I have always been the one that had to find a good job and figure out how to fix all of the problems. I also have been doing all of the childcare and housework for all of these years. We have 2 children, but I feel like I have to take care of 3 because he just feels like an extra responsibility. I have tried on many occasions to talk about how I was feeling and begged him for help, but he never listened.
I told him about having feelings for my ex and about how unhappy I am. He has been sleeping in the basement for 2 months now. We have gone to see a marriage counsellor once, she hasn’t been calling us back. I can’t talk to my friends or family about this because he is always right beside me trying to “make things right.” I have been wanting to leave, but like some of you I feel guilty. He has never been abusive or cheated, and he has been trying to support me lately. He has been helping with the housework and taking me out on dates. I am feeling appreciative of his efforts, but my romantic feelings are gone; I don’t feel like kissing him or sleeping with him at all. At the same time, my heart is breaking for him because I am hurting him so much. I am thinking about defaulting on the mortgage, claiming bankruptcy and moving with the kids to a small apartment in the town where I work, (only a half hour drive away). I am really scared to do something so drastic, but I can’t see myself being happy if I stay. Also, after contacting my ex I have found out it is possible to have a relationship with him. I wish I could see what the future holds. This is such a difficult decision to make. I am wondering if I should wait until I feel confident about my decision, or just do it while I have the opportunity and the courage. Would appreciate any advice…