5 Secrets Husbands Keep From Their Wives

All husbands keep secrets from their wives, says Dr Oz. These secrets men hide from women are based on a Men’s Health magazine poll, and include explanations of why husbands aren’t completely honest with their wives.

“How well do you really know your husband?” asks Dr Oz. “Probably not as well as you think. Polls from Men’s Health and Women’s Health magazines reveal what’s really going on with your husband. And, the secrets husbands keep from their wives directly affect their health and relationships – for better or worse.”

secrets husbands keepBelow, editor-in-chief David Zinczenko and sex therapist Dr Laura Berman explain why husbands keep secrets from their wives. She’s the author of It’s Not Him, It’s You! How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve and the host of a new TV show on love, sex, and relationships. I love this book because it’s for women who want to take control of their love lives and the relationship she deserves. If you find yourself unnerved or even scared about the secrets husbands keep, you’ll be able to re-establish yourself with this book. It’ll help you identify damaging thought patterns, overcome self-blame and lack of confidence, and acknowledge bad relationship choices so you never repeat them.

Here are five secrets men keep in relationships…

What Secrets Do Husbands Hide From Their Wives?

They think about other women during sex

It’s their coping mechanism for being in a monogamous relationship, says Dr Berman. Men are programmed to spread their seed and be with different partners. Monogamy for life doesn’t come naturally to us, and variety is the spice of life and of a healthy love relationship. The fantasizing is a coping mechanism for being monogamous, and wives shouldn’t be offended by or worried about it. If it’s about an abstract person, it’s not a secret that wives should worry about. But it husbands are secretly thinking about their wives’ sister or best friend, it could become a problem in the marriage.

Husbands have solo sex in secret

Almost half of all husbands keep this secret from their wives: they are intimate with themselves regularly. Zinczenko said men don’t want to show weakness, and it’s natural to perform the solo act because men have more testosterone. It’s nature’s way to make sure the mechanisms are in good working order. Husbands keep this type of physical intimacy a secret because wives are offended by it. But, it’s a natural, normal part of life — and it’s good for men’s health, says Dr Oz. It lowers their risk of prostate cancer.

Husbands snoop through their wives’ emails and phones

Almost half of all husbands are curious about their wives’ lives, and check their wives’ computers and phones. Why? Because they feel unsure about where the relationship is going sometimes, and they’re uncertain about asking, says Zinczenko. Dr Berman says it’s about trust. Both husbands and wives snoop, and it’s not necessary. Instead, married couples should have no secrets – they should have complete, total access to each others’ bank accounts, telephones, emails, etc.

Husbands think they are smarter than their wives

More than half of husbands think they’re smarter than their wives – and this is a secret husbands don’t want their wives to know! But, there are different types of intelligence and brain matter, which mean and women have different amounts of. Men have more gray brain matter, which allows them to focus on one thing. Women have more white brain matter, which allows them to communicate better and process information faster. This makes women better at relationships.

Husbands wish their wives brought home more money

Some husbands wish their wives were spending less money and contributing more money to the household. Women who stay home and take care of the kids are sorely underpaid, says Dr Berman. But, financial stress hits husbands right in the core of their manhood and can damage their sense of self. Money can tear your marriage apart, so you have to sit down together on a regular basis to talk about how money affects your marriage.

According to David Zinczenko, editor-in-chief of Men’s Health magazine, husbands keep secrets from their wives for several reasons. They’re embarrassed, they don’t want to show weakness, and they don’t want to upset or anger their wives.

Dr Oz’s Tips for a Better Marriage

  • Couples who are affectionate (hugging, holding hands, calling each other by pet names) are happier and healthier.
  • Wives, take responsibility for communicating regularly. Men don’t do this naturally, so women need to initiate conversations.
  • Arguing is good for marriages. Open fights keep couples together and happy – so let your anger out!
  • Couples should engage in foreplay for at least ten minutes before sex, to increase sexual intimacy.

If you think your husband is hiding his life from you, you may find When You Feel Alone in Your Marriage – Emotional Disconnection helpful.

Fix Your Marriage

What do you think of these secrets husbands keep from their wives? Comments welcome below! I can’t offer advice or help you figure out if your husband is keeping these secrets from you, but I believe that writing about your thoughts helps you gain wisdom and insight.

Article Name
5 Secrets Husbands Keep From Their Wives
All husbands keep secrets from their wives. Here are the five most common secrets men keep, based on a Men's Health magazine poll.

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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I'm a full-time freelance writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC. I created the "Quips and Tips" blog series; my degrees are in Education, Psychology, and Social Work. I welcome your comments below, but I don't give advice. I can offer you a prayer and a blessing, though! You'd be surprised how helpful a prayer can be....

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45 Responses

  1. Me says:

    Men often say ‘why are you worried? He comes home to YOU’ as though his thought life with her is not important.

    Hear this men: women do not like being warm blow up doll m****rbatory equipment for the men they love and desire connection with!!! It is degrading and insulting to them. If you want to think of others you know where your hand is. Simple. Respect.

    Why get married? Gee…..

  2. Laurie says:

    Dear Jeanie,

    I don’t think you’re wrong to think this way! And it really isn’t a matter of right or wrong, it’s about how you feel in your marriage. If you’re not happy or fulfilled, something needs to change. If he won’t change, can you change enough to make your marriage worthwhile?

    Only you can answer that question. Your husband isn’t keeping secrets from you…he’s being honest. It’s now up to you to decide if you want to live another 30 years with him.

    I’ll keep you in my prayers. I’m a Christian, and I believe God directs us, guides us and loves us so much. He wants us to be happy and healthy.

    What do you think He wants you to do?


    • Jeanie says:

      Hi Laurie, It has now been a 1/2 a year since I posted that letter about my husband of 30 yrs. Obviously he kept his fantasy life secret for almost 30 yrs. The reason he told me was 3 months earlier he said he had stopped doing all of it, and wanted to clear the air with me & begin again. He said this time, he wanted deep & faithful committment “in his mind” as well as his body. He said that he had begun to believe that if you think like an unfaithful man, you are an unfaithful man. He began experiencing guilt over it & since we are in our 60s now, he didn’t want one of us to die with a horrible secret between us. Since then, I have seen big changes in him, for the better. I am still with him; I didn’t leave. I am happy that he has a new outlook & wants everything more intimate between us. He is sweet; he smiles more, shows more affection & is really an all around better guy. So, what’s wrong now, right? Well, I feel a sadness, an emptiness & a brokenness in me that just won’t go away. Many times when my husband smiles at me my eyes fill with tears & it’s not because I’m so happy now. It’s because that vague but powerful feeling of sadness comes over me. Sometimes I let my husband know, sometimes he notices & sometimes I succeed in preventing the tears. Am I going to feel like this forever? I feel like I am & I don’t think I can deal with this feeling forever. It makes me feel like there is nothing to live for & I don’t want to feel that way either. It scares me. Any advice would be more than appreciated. Thank you so much for answering me the last time. What you said was right on the money, & I know that.

  3. Laurie says:


    I don’t know if your husband is mental or if he’s keeping secrets from you, but it sounds like you’re really unhappy. You can’t do anything to change him, but you can possibly change how you respond to him.

    The most important thing to take care of right away is your children! I don’t know how you can stop him from sending the kids to his brother’s, but it seems like it’s something you need to deal with right away. Your husband may not want to believe anything bad is happening at his brother’s, but you need to trust your gut.

    What has to happen in your life, to get you from where you are to where you want to go?

  4. Josh says:

    I have been married for 7 years and from the time i got married i hated it, my husband changed towards me, I have 2 kids and he doesnt really bother with them. he only worries about his friends and his family, i havent had a night out with my friends in 8 yrs he refuses that I go out, im mentally and physically exhausted, i cant stand his face and i also imagine other mens faces when we have sex. its disgusting but true i hate him he wont let me take my kids and leave he has threatened me on a couple of occassions. he doesnt listen to me at all, he sends my kids without my knowledge to stay with his brother whose kids were recently found interferring with one another sexually i have told him on many occassions that my daughters should not stay there but he does his own thing, i am more then capable of taking care of my kids i would rather not let my kids stay with his bro on a weekend and protect my kids because once something happens they will be scarred for life, but he does not understand, is my husband mental?

  5. Laurie says:

    Dear Ame,

    Thank you for being here – and for adding your clarification! It makes a big difference.

    It’s normal for people – both men and women – to fantasize about others. It’s just part of the way our brains are wired, and the way our bodies respond to monogamy and marriage.
    I can’t speak for your husband or all husbands, but generally I wouldn’t worry about fantasies leading to affairs.

    That said, however, I think the weight issue is the root of the problem. You don’t feel good in your own skin, you don’t feel sexy or desirable, and you don’t love your body. THAT is a bigger problem than your husband’s thoughts about the neighbor! THAT — how you see yourself — is what could ultimately put a wedge between you and him. It wouldn’t be your fault if he strayed, of course.

    What would life be like if you started getting fit and healthy for YOURSELF? What would happen if you started making choices that make you feel good about your body and who you are? What if your goal becomes pleasing yourself, making yourself happy and healthy by losing weight and learning to love your body? The benefit of thinking this way – of creating a way of life that helps you lose weight and feel good about yourself – will be so attractive to both you and your husband, neither of you will be able to take your eyes off you! You’ll be happy, healthy, and whole.

    What do you think?

    In peace and passion,

    • ame says:

      Thank you very much and i think you are right i’m the one with the bigger issue about my weight and ultimately i’m pushing him away because i’m uncomfortable! we have since resolved the fantasy issue and i’m ok with it. Now i’m working on me :)

  6. ame says:

    Sorry there asre few things i left out of my original post i think i should have pointed out. We were both over weight he lost 140 lbs and in that time i lostr a total of 12 lbs i’m still over weight and very uncomfortable in my own skin he says it does not bother him but the neighbor is thin like i used to be when we met last night we were atching a marriage show and they said openess and honesty is a man staple of a marriage, that is when he paused the t.v. and e began asking each other questions that we wanted honest answers too and then it started into a connfessions game with no judgement he said. one of the confessions was when he told me he sometimes fantasizes about our neighbor while we are being intimate sometimes. It didn’t bother me then but today i saw a video i as in and realized how revolting i look and then i thought That is why he is having fantasy’s of other women, If i can’t find anything attractive about myself how can he? Now i’m worried he may act on these fantasy’s :(

  7. ame says:

    My husband confessed to me the other night that he fantasized about our neighbor while we had sex sometimes, He said he would never act on it and cheat on me but it kind of hurt my feelings and i don’t want him to know that it hurt my feelings because i want him to feel he can always be open with me about things like this. Should i worry?

  8. Laurie says:

    Dear Amy,

    It sounds like your husband isn’t just keeping secrets…he’s shutting you out. He isn’t connecting with you emotionally, spiritually, and physically. How does that make you feel? Is it what you expected marriage to be like?

  9. Amy says:

    I don’t know what kind of secrets my husband has, he hasn’t talked to me in about 10 years. Married 45+ years and he just ignores me. He has slept in the basement and worked the midnight shift for the same amount of time, so communication is something that never really happens. Since our wedding night he has hated me, sex, and every thing that marriage means. He just prefers to live like a hermit no TV,radio,computer,phone,newspaper or magazines or books. He only likes building things not our marriage just things made from wood or metal.

  10. Jerry says:

    Do people actually do stuff like this to their wives? Scares me (and I am a man).

    • Laurie says:

      Hello Jerry,

      I’m afraid husbands do actually keep secrets like this from their wives! I think some of it has to do with shame.

    • Jesse says:

      Been married for 14yrs I’m 31. Just found out my husband jacks off to ALL women. Family friends loved ones. Also told me he’s done this in my bed while I sleep next to him. I’m broken and lost and don’t understand. How can u lay next to ur wife mother of ur 4 kids and think about other women and get off while I’m healing for child birth! I’m talking everyone! And he’s mad cause I’m mad! Wtf kinda love is that when ur desiring fantasies of other women in bed with me?

      • Robert says:

        Sweetie… first, calm down. If you can’t do that you need a counselor before you go off and do something stupid like divorce.

        Without quoting you I will address your concerns, starting with the biggest indicator you offer…. you are healing from childbirth (You are not available). He’s horny, you’re not ready, Or he THINKS you’re not ready. You also miss the main point about him beating off next to you in bed… he’s beside YOU, in Your bed. Hes not somewhere else.

        Re-read the article above regarding the reasons we men do these things. It’s all true.

        Now, you need to do some things. Tell him you love him. Talk less, listen more, get active; fit, and stay attractive to your husband. If your husband ever tells you that he wishes you were 20 or more pounds lighter he is telling you what HIS LOVE LANGUAGE is. Don’t complain. Take it at face value and act on it, if you love him.

        I am a man, married for over 20 years. I know what I’m talking about.

        Be wise and do the right thing for you and your husband.

        • Jesse says:

          If ur referring to me he was else wheres! Beating off to other women and a joke men are dogs! If we treat men like they treat us they’d see just how fked up they truly are. I wasn’t over weight after child birth I weighed a mere 125lbs now down to 105 after 4kids. Men haven’t a clue and live this double standard life! Bout time someone puts them in there place! Men are sick and my husband for one has broken the “man code”! If wives knew what I knew I swear to u men would be lonely miserable bastards for eternity! That’s a promise! Men except us to hold up to marriage vows while they play games! Lawd I’m telling YOU lusting over other women while marriage WILL RUIN EVERYTHING!

        • Jeanie says:

          I have been married for 30 yrs & only recently learned that my husband does exactly what Jesse’s husband does. Every women is fair game for my husband’s sexual pleasure. The worst one he told me is he thinks of his “homely as hell” ex-wife, plus every women he’s ever been with or desired. Also porn stars, women in magazines, flyers, etc. Any & all women that turn him on. We are 60 yrs old & I am appalled that I have lived with a man like that for 30 yrs, raised children with him, and thought he loved me. I DO NOT call that love. Plus he is supposed to be a Christian. The Bible DOES NOT smile on such behavior. Obviously I love him but I also now hate him, both feelings. I really want to talk myself into leaving him because his behavior disgusts me & I can’t trust a man like that. I’m sorry but I believe there are men who have more honor & respect than this for their wife & marriage. Am I really wrong to think this way?

  11. Laurie says:


    Thanks for being here! It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your husband – and it’s not a very fair marriage.

    What’s the first thing you’d change about your husband or your marriage, if you could change something overnight?

  12. Teri says:

    By the way…..I didn’t mention we don’t even sleep in the same bed. His choice. Seems strange to live in the same house with my husband but live like roommates instead of married couple. I don’t get this. What has this world come to.

    • Robert says:

      It sounds like you have been unhappy for a long time. I’m sorry.

      It may be that you are too weak to leave this relationship and you need professional help.

      There may be reasons why he doesn’t want to sleep with you. Consider what responsibility you have in making things what they are, make amends where you can, forgive what you can, and if that doesn’t help… maybe you’d both be happier apart.

  13. Teri says:

    I want to state that I am married to a womanizer for 40 years now. I must say that after this length of time he is worse now than when he was younger. He won’t let me go out with him socially. He goes out playing music and dancing, I’m not allowed to. He visits his friends who are all much younger than him….humm. He is never where he tells me he is going to be (which he rarely even tells me anyway). His life is totally his own. I feel like we aren’t even married. He seldom has sex with me and it’s always a quickie which I hate. I even threaten to get a boyfriend if he didn’t give me more attention. It’s none of my business what he does but I have to account for every minute. I’m not allowed to have friends or have a social life either. I can’t even have a facebook….you don’t have to go out for that. This man is 63 going on 15.

  14. Teri says:

    I can’t believe Dr. Oz. I don’t buy this crap that men are designed to spread their seed. I am sick of hearing this bull crap. It’s men excuse to cheat. If they were created to “spread their seed” then God wouldn’t have said that he cleve only to his wife. Men need to get real but honest with themselves, they know this is a crock of bull. They should love their wife, not lust after other women, and take care of the children they have because they created these children they are responsible for the childrens well being and teaching them to grow up to be responsible adults. Men stop chasing women and looking for cheap thrills instead take care of your children, they are your responsibility and take care of the wife then you won’t need other women.

    • Debi says:

      Thank you for writing your post..I agree with you.
      Men needed to spread seed is wrong and
      So hurtful to their wives. I am separated
      After 22 years of marriage and trying to make
      Some sense of it. I am so heart broken that this
      Is the path my husband has taken.
      Husbands should be there for their wives.
      Looking to spread their seed is just wrong.
      Men who are like this dont make very good husbands.
      So many marriages are broken down because our
      Society seems to justify that its okay.

  15. Laurie says:

    Dear Amy,

    It makes me sad to hear you say that it is too late to create a happier life for yourself. I thought it was never too late to begin again!

    When I was in counseling, my counselor told me that we can find ways to be happy even in the midst of our unhappy situations. So, if you cannot leave your husband, maybe you can find ways to be happy in your marriage?

    I actually wrote an article about being happy in an unhappy marriage! If you like, I can post the link here.

    As for secrets…I think all men keep secrets from their wives, and all women keep secrets from their husbands.


  16. Amy says:

    I don’t care if my husband has secrets anymore, nor do I care about him. He has deprived me of sex,intimacy,love,kids,family for over 40 years. He wouldn’t even sleep with me or have dinner with me. He lives in the basement and we haven’t communicated in years. I have tryed to live independently. Were in our 60s now and set in our lives, ihave to much invested in marriage,financially,great medical benefits and at my age the medical benefits are worth staying. I’m very sad that I got mixed up with this creep, but its to late.

  17. Amanda says:

    Hmm Dr Oz. why do men need foreplay with their WIVES if they can simply pull up some image they would rather see then enjoy what is before them? Why even need sex and intimacy in a relationship if your mind is elsewhere other than the one your with. Now I know my husband is a liar when he says he does not do this, and he does not fantasize about other women. He looks an awful lot tho so Im not sure what he is processing when he does if he says it doesn’t benefit him later. He is weak is what it is. He is a secretive weak guy. After 20 some years of marraige dontcha think I know this is getting old and ya need something more visually satisfying? I feel like if thats what you want and you dont act like you want sex from me that much anymore than how about we just coexist .. you take care of yourself to your ideal woman NOW and I will just watch some porn to get off. Its all much easier and faster anyway, besides I dont want to be his visual imagery warm hole anymore. I also thought that people were individuals but the more i read the more I hear men/guys are all the same. What a pity. Why dont I just pick a different one each week? It just doesn’t seem to matter anymore!

  18. Zee says:

    Wow this article is very funny. I have read so many responses and it’s so clear that so many women are hurt by this article and upset with Dr. Oz for supporting these opinions.
    These doctors seem to think they know more than their creator. I believe in the word of God and the bible does not support that we should lust at people who are not our spouses while we have sex with our spouses, in fact the Bible calls this adultery: “Matthew 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.”
    This act is called adultery, I have also read men that women often do this too, so maybe the next time you are doing this while you make love to your wife, you should wonder who she is thinking about, your brother, friend, next door neighbor etc. This is a sin Dr. Oz and if you ask your wife she may agree with me and tell you how awful she feels when she does it to you. The secret is men don’t know it’s a sin and that woman does it too, and what we should do is ask God to forgive us and help us deal with the real issues.
    Why are we so prone to commit adultery in our heart? Is it because we are not communicating with each other? Is it because of financial problems? Is it because there are in-law issues that need to be resolved? Could it be because you are watching too much porn? Is it because your wife/husband is overworked and don’t have time to maintain their image, this may just mean that you need to help out more at home. Seriously, what you need to do is find out what is the root of the problem and deal with it. When you stand before God will you really tell him, “I am sorry, I thought it was normal because Dr. Oz said so!” open the bible and read it for yourself it’s a sin. I personally believe that masturbation is a sin; one pastor said it’s OK as long as you are thinking only of your wife while you do it. I am not sure what the word says about this, but if you lust at a woman who is not your wife remember you are committing adultery in your heart.
    Doc. Oz, why did God only gave Adam ONE wife? I guess you know more than him, God forbid, maybe he should have given him Eve, Denise and Portia He gave him one wife not two or three. Men decided to have more than one wives on their own. This was not something God approved. My so called dad has sowed his seeds all over, he never fathered me could not afford to be omnipresence. I had the privilege of being fed by foster parents, thank God.
    Are you aware that this is sad for many children, I taught teenagers for 7 years and grew up in a society that believe this lie, the sad thing is, so many children came to school hungry, so many girls had to prostitute themselves to help their mother to pay the bills, because you men who love to sow your seed cannot even afford to feed all your children, so you only end up feeding the ones with the woman who insist you have to, so many of the children never met their seed sower.
    My recommendation: Dr.Oz
    Do a study and find out why there is so much child trafficking, if these kids had active fathers, wouldn’t the father step in and protect them? Why are so many teenagers into prostitution, could it be that their daddy is busy making children all over the place, they forget they need to protect the ones they already have?
    I challenge you to take a look at child porn and find out how many kids involved have fathers who are sowing their seeds all over, and please let me know what you find out. I am sure you will be very embarrassed and shocked to find out that your simple theory is one of the key reason so many children are being hurt all over the world.

  19. John says:

    This is in reply to Susan’s comment from April 6, 2012 at 11:32 AM: Let me get this straight: in spite of the fact that your husband sent a picture to his friend, he is never going to touch another woman, and you are withholding sex and not telling him why? Women like you should be alone and broke forever. I’ve heard of people’s helping an ex-spouse when he/she gets cancer or some other major health issue, and I approve of that. But if you were my ex-wife, I would never help you in any way, no matter what adverse circumstances, health or otherwise. (By the way, I am a gay man who never has been, nor ever will be, married to a woman.) This is not a straight/gay or man/woman issue, but only a human-being issue. Humans (using the word lightly, of course) like you are scum equal only to child-abusers, mass-murders, and torturers.

  20. Sue says:

    Gosh, I cannot believe Dr Oz would even say it’s natural for men to be wh*res in mind or body. It’s a lie to say men can’t help but lust for other women. Men do those things because they get away with it because ‘experts’ say it is normal for men to go from one woman to another and of course the male population jump on that! Just like marriage is a verb, so is respect and love. If you think about others when you have someone, then you are not loving or being faithful to the one you profess to care about or love. There is no reason men cannot be faithful and not lead by their little head. It is a decision.

  21. Eric says:

    As a man in his 30s, I have a different perspective. First, I think item one isn’t a secret, and I always assumed that any long term girlfriend I’ve ever had sometimes fantasized about other people. I don’t want to think about it, but it seems inevitable. Item two is just harmless; masturbation is incredibly low maintenance and easy compared with sex, and sometimes two people aren’t turned on at the same time. You know how sometimes you’re not necessarily opposed to sex with your husband, but you just aren’t up for the whole production? Well men are like that too. Provided he’s not preferring himself to you (and that’s a big proviso), this, too, seems harmless. The bottom line here is that I would never enter into a relationship where I was made to promise that I could never fantasize about anyone else, nor could I masturbate for the rest of my life, nor would I wouldn’t impose that condition on anyone else, and if I did, no woman I know would accept it.

    I’ve had relationships that lasted up to five years, and I’ve never been unfaithful in any of them. On the other hand, when I’ve been single, I’ve been “the other man” more times than I care to count. It’s not something I’m proud of, but as a man I don’t feel like I’m more programmed to cheat than the women I know, for the simple fact that I don’t, and they do. But the people I’ve known in my life are a small sample size, so take it or leave it.

    Item three: I’ve never snooped on any girlfriend’s email or IMs or facebook or phone mesages or anything like that, with the exception of relationships I’ve been in where my privacy has been invaded first. Again, it’s not something I’m proud of, but I won’t invade anyone’s privacy unless they repeatedly “to there” themselves. So while I would put the sexes equal in terms of their likelihood to cheat, I think women are far more emotionally inquisitive, and while that’s usually a good thing, when it’s bad, it takes the form of invading someone’s privacy. A typical male isn’t going to be as concerned with what his spouse is thinking all the time, so if he’s invading your privacy it either means he’s highly insecure in the relationship, or he doesn’t view you as an equal, and thinks his judgment and curiosity trump your right not to have to expose everything you say or think to him. So I’d sum it up this way: women are more likely to snoop; on the other hand, if a man snoops, he usually has more insidious motives.

    Item four: Guilty! People in general think they’re smarter than they are, and men in particular are a thousand times worse. And this isn’t even counting the actual chauvinists.

    Item five: I have no idea – I’ve never been married.

    I guess I felt this thread could benefit from a male perspective, as Dr. Oz is simple excerpting somoeone’s book. Never forget that everyone is different, and these “Five things men don’t want you to know” or “Seven secrets women keep from their husband” lists aren’t worth the virtual ink they’re printed on. If you demand respect and honesty – and don’t accept anything less – things tend to work out.

  22. Rebecca says:

    I want to comment on Candace’s comment first, by saying BRAVO!!! If Candace ever comes back to this site (which I doubt) to read replies to her comments, I hope she reads this: Candace, you are ABSOLUTELY 100% CORRECT.

    It is a “crock” that men are “programmed to spread their seed.” That is an evolution-based, biologically unsound line of BULL that we’ve been fed for a long time in our “educated” system we call ‘medicine’ & ‘science.’ Men were programmed (from the beginning) to be with one woman (one flesh) and to create families. Men DO struggle with lust more, and do have higher testosterone (which makes them, in general, desire sex more often). BUT, it is completely UNnecessary for them to fantasize about other women in order to “accept (or deal with) the idea/reality/choice of being monogamous.”

    Now for my own comments on the other points Dr. Oz made about husbands and their secrets. The number 2 secret was repulsive and also makes me nauseated. It’s not the act itself that made me so upset to hear about (though that is repulsive as well)- it is DR. OZ’S ridiculous comment about how men going solo helps to prevent prostate cancer!! He did NOT explain that little ‘misleading’ medical fact, so it will easily MISLEAD many men and woman into thinking it’s a positive, healthy thing for men to “go solo” because somehow it prevents prostate cancer!!! BULL-ONEY, and here are the facts:

    Sex and orgasm (frequent) help prevent prostate cancer. Dr. Oz’s comment made it seem as though that act prevents this type of cancer, which is false. Men could simply go to their wives more frequently for sex and (provided their wives are willing) have the EXACT same results and rates of prevention. Dr. Oz should’ve explained this better, as the lustful thoughts that accompany it (just like the fantasizing men do during sex with their wives) ARE damaging to the relationship, even if men don’t realize it.

    Women sense things in their guts, much as the general public (and especially men) like to pass off. We know and sense the distance created by “cheating in the mind” (& heart), whether during sexual intimacy, by way of men going solo, or by way of porn (internet, magazines, or strip clubs). Women don’t always let on (& some women are VERY unaware or desensitized to their own ‘gut’) that they can feel the emotional barriers. Sometimes women don’t even know why they feel emotionally distant from their husbands, and they frequently feel it’s lack of communication, or a man pulling away from them that is the problem. (It is usually NOT the case.) MEN’S CHEATING in the mind/heart is the basis for many, many unresolved relational conflicts, more than this country’s medical (& psychological) professionals will ever admit or be aware of.

    It’s time for women to take a stand & for men to start becoming true, 100% MONOGAMOUS mates. If men were 100% monogamous in every way (thoughts, feelings, & behavior), I believe it would become evident in the reduction of our divorce rates. It can’t be proven with statistics because cheating in the mind (& on the computer, etc.) is so private, so secret, & so impossible to gain 100% truth in compliance with, that statistics will never be accurate (about the reasons for divorce, the rates of infidelity, etc.).

    But, I’m convinced that almost every marital problem starts with the small seed of infidelity (thoughts and/or emotions). Women respond to things they don’t know about (but can sense), but they still respond nevertheless. A woman’s response may make men pull further away (whether a woman gets depressed, more needy, more clingy, or simply goes to live her own life, and quits needing her husband at all), but women don’t generally pull away at all until a man does something that puts a barrier (silent & secretive as it may be) up in the first place.

    I’m NOT blaming men for all the problems in marriages- let me clarify that I believe MOST problems START with a seed of infidelity in some shape or form. Men CANNOT argue this if they dig deep and admit (to themselves if to no one else) that they are rarely (if ever) remaining 100% faithful to their marriage in every single aspect.

    If doubt there is even one man in America that could come on here and (before GOD) be able to state (completely honestly) that he is faithful to his wife in every way, all the time (thoughts, emotions, fantasies, media, etc). It’s practically impossible.

    As far as the other 3 secrets, if men took care of the first two (fantasizing about other women during sex, and “doing it solo”), most marriages would be a lot better off, and we’d probably resolve a great majority of the divorces taking place today.

    Good luck in your marriages, everyone. Women, you do NOT have to accept the above advice (the 5 secrets) as being ‘harmless.’ Men fantasizing during sex with you (& doing it ‘solo’ while they fantasize about others), IS harmful to the relationship. MEN, if you recognize this and change these two behaviors, you will be happier in your marriage, and your wife will be too. It will affect every other area of your relationship.

  23. Candace says:

    Oh my gosh I am so sorry I signed up to receive emails for this. Every time I see another comment, I want to spit nails. I’m going to unsubscribe to this after I post this one last thing. Because, I cannot stand to live life knowing that men are like this. I think about it daily now and something tells me this is not at all healthy living. I would rather not be sexually with a man again as long as I live after knowing the 5 secrets. There is just no way to go back to stupid after someone shows you the answers. I don’t care for the other 4 secrets, but I’m only going to address the first.
    I’m going to state that the first secret explanation is a male, one sided crock!
    “It’s their coping mechanism for being in a monogamous relationship, says Dr Berman. Men are programmed to spread their seed and be with different partners. Monogamy for life doesn’t come naturally to us, and variety is the spice of life and of a healthy love relationship. The fantasizing is a coping mechanism for being monogamous, and wives shouldn’t be offended by or worried about it.”
    Who the hell does this DOCTOR think they are to be giving out this type of crap explanation!?? Men were CREATED to join with ONE woman from the very beginning! Even science has proven what family values do for raising children, and is NOT at all supported by having many sexual partners to “spread their seed”. There is NO WAY that back in the dawn of humans, men left their partners to “spread their seed”!! They left to hunt and bring back food and skins for their own families.
    One: what would a woman do to support herself and other children while her man is out making other families out there???? She evolved to be small and much weaker than men because he was always there to feed and protect her, so size wasn’t needed. Two: How could this ONE man support so many women and children and be there for all of them all the time??? Men were designed to be the protector and provider for the family. This is why his body was designed bigger and stronger than women to handle the job. How can he do this if he’s off breeding all over the place? How could one man protect all the women and children that would be around if he was fulfilling every sexual urge he had??? (Birth control has only been around for what… 40+ years? Spontaneous novelty sex has done nothing but produce unwanted pregnancies (children) since forever. Children that are not properly taken care of because there isn’t a proper family unit in place.) Spreading seed is for ANIMALS. Not humans. Most female animals are designed to handle dangerous situations without the need for male protection. They are very capable of defending their young on their own. In these cases, the female has evolved to be larger than the males to ward off predators from their babies on their own.
    So you see, there is absolutely NO reason OR excuse for a man to entertain his thoughts with other partners while engaging in sex with the love of his life, HE chose in the first place to couple with. Any thoughts of other women are just part of the good and bad in all of us, and the bad thoughts simply needs to be rejected! Bad thoughts are a danger to the family unit. After all, you have a woman! What is the point in running other women through your head with that in mind??? Ungrateful idiot! Disrespectful and unloving. Even animals know that finding a female and getting to breed with her is lucky. But not a human man???, he feels he is entitled to have more and more and doesn’t appreciate what he’s got right there in his arms! Stupid. … Those thoughts should NEVER be embraced as an acceptable fact of life. It goes against the grains of what we are.
    Any smart woman would never disrespect herself by endorsing such a male bs excuse for variety. And finally we have three: Jealousy arises between other females wanting their man to spend as much time as possible with HER children…so having many partners to spread seed has never been proven that this was the way, and it simply just doesn’t work! There was a time that this practice was necessary to populate, but hasn’t been needed for thousands of years. And that’s the biblical explanation after the flood….what reason would there be for evolution?? Was there some evolutionary reason to hurry up and populate the planet? There wasn’t. So the theory for spreading seed is BS! Even if I could give credit to such a theory, why would the instinct still be there this late in time? I am going to state that this is a terrible excuse for a man to have novelty! Give me a break! If this were supposed to be okay to do, there wouldn’t be such a thing as family, provision, or a need for feelings what so ever!
    Take this crap off the internet. I’m done with halfwits like this giving us bogus advice! Don’t listen to this crap men! There is a better way that is full of love and comfort with one woman for you, and you’ll never get there if you believe the lie and chase your fantasies. Even if you are physically faithful to your woman, but your mind is otherwise engaged in thoughts of another, you are stealing away from your woman what rightfully belongs to her. ….which is you….all of you. Until you get this aspect of love, you will never be satisfied. Good luck.

  24. Susan says:

    My husband and I went to Hawaii with friends, he was texting alot all the time so one day I checked his messages and he had sent a picture of a girl taken at the airport in very short shorts and high heels and sent it to his friend and said HOT. Than I check another time and he was telling him about his fantasy about all tha babes on the beach, hot tub, pool and how his shoot was a big load. I can’t stop thing about all the thinks I have found on his messages. We have been home for over a month and I can even let him touch me and he has not asked why.My heart is breaking because I did thing he was my soul mate, we are in our 50’s and have been married before. needless to say every time he talks about his friend I cringe.

  25. mileen says:

    I am a divorcee with an 8th year old son. I’ve learned a lot through my past experience. I was once had a bad relationship with my ex-fiancee for 6 years. Lesson learned whereby he is a womanizer or casanova during the time until now-although he is married now with other lady. I was a naïve girl born scorpio, didn’t realize that gemini was not a suitable or compatible to each other. I was hurt badly with his longtime secrets that he kept from me but now I am completely alright and motivating myself as life goes on. I am now, at peace and happy with my life, never feel better than this.

    As for me, if a man can have his secrets, so can we as their partner. I simplify my life, think like a man. If a man can do what he wants, I can do too. If he feels insecure and unsure about where the relationship goes, a mutual talk and discussion for both party needed and what I would sugggest; MAYBE a pre-nups would be the very best solution. A pre-nups can be a lifetime reminder and security for both party as both sides have their own weaknesses. We are not SUPERHUMAN, but just a normal human being that needs to live by understanding partners in and out completely. That is a FAIR DEAL assurance in an institution called marriage.

  26. Sarah says:

    I’m offended by the first comment on this page, by “AC”. Please play back your words to yourself! You came together with a man while he was married! His marriage was “crumbling”, well, are all the marriages crumbling out there?? You’re “upset” because they want to stay in touch with each other? Is that because you know they still love each other?? People shouldn’t intrude on marriages no matter what state they “think” that person’s marriage is in! You’re with a cheater, have fun with that.

  27. AC says:

    I am engaged to a man that is truly wonderful to me in EVERY way but one.
    We came together after many years of freindship during a time when his marriage was crumbling – which of course causes the ex to blame me. (And if I were in her position, I could understand that.)
    We have been together over a year and though I attempted to reach out to her – they share a daughter which is around me and my children – she refuses to allow it. She does not bad mouth me or act ugly toward the child, and has even met my daughter and was very polite and nice to her…so I dont consider her “TOXIC” but she constantly texts, emails, calls my soon to be husband, and though I understand children mean communication is a must…it is to the excess of every hour beginning first thing in the morning and going all day.
    I tried talking to my fiance about it, but he says he feels guilty because he is happy and she isnt and thinks there is nothing wrong with being her friend when they have a child together and I will have to be the bigger person and try to understand.
    I am truly trying but it is really annoying that she is constantly trying to maintain a hold on him. Is this more normal than I realize? They have been divorced over a year now, and while I have tried to be patient, It is causing stress between us.
    I want to be sure I am not just over reacting, here. Please, any advise?

  28. Angelique says:

    What is it classified as when a marital partner snoops (in my case hacks) into my personal email and then distributes it amongst friends family and community members all without me knowing about it. Also on a similar line, what is it called when you are having a personal conversation with someone via email and unknowing to you that person is forwarding the mails other persons…. Are there any rights within a marraige to expect conversations to be personal and not for broad public disemination. Also I’ve heard that it is one of our basic human rights to have private communication, what does a person contravene if they are given a communication that is private and not for themselves and yet they read it knowing full well that they are contravening anothers right to privacy?

  29. tammy says:

    Dear Mary;

    I completely understand the emotional hurt that you feel. I too go through the same thing. I have been dating a wonderful man for almost two years ( no where near as long as you), and we have such a fabulous connection, but….
    My partner does the same thing. It has caused so much anxiety and stress, and I am thinking of leaving the relationship. He forwarded his x an article about living together apart?? On his b-day, he text his x and thanked her for the lovely gift, and made a comment that she looked great tan? I have confronted him, and he knows it hurts me, but he can’t answer why he does it. It’s not often that he sends those types of messages,
    but he is still connected. I’m beginning to think it’s out of guilt. I told him that he sees her through rose coloured glasses now, because she’s happy. Why shouldn’t she be? He pays for EVERYTHING…. even her holidays, and she does not have to worry about doing his laundry, cooking for him, cleaning up after him..or any other couple related tasks. I know he loves me a great deal, and would do anything for me and my children. His job is very stressful, and consumes him completely. My mother told me that I need to get thick skin and communicate with him, but not harp on him. I believe I give him my all, not to mention make a huge effort when his kids come to visit. I was hoping the answer would be time? I can see from your article that’s not necessarily the case. I think communicating in an open, honest, kind way is all we can do.

    All the best,


  30. Mary says:

    I have a very different situation in that my husband has a quite amicable relationship with his ex-wife. He left her for me 10 years ago and we have been married 3yrs. She has never met me and although I have tried to communicate with her and get to know her – she is still very bitter. My problem is my husband is in regular contact with her and has been for most of the 10 yrs and alot of this has been behind my back. Therefore he has lied to me when I’ve asked him if he’s spoken to her or seen her. His reason is he wants to keep the status quo and keep her sweet but it doesn’t affect our lives. We are extremely happy barr this one area. He doesn’t seem to understand the lies and deceit are almost like cheating on me although I’m 99.9% sure there is no physical side between them. His two children are 33 and 30, but he says he does alot of it for their benefit and because he still feels guilty – after 10yrs. I have a reasonable relationship with his daughter and her two young children. My problem is having found out several times that he has phoned, texted or seen her behind my back, and blatantly lied about it, I’m having a hard time trusting anything he says. We get on incredibly well in every other way and I know he loves me, so it hurts even more to know he feels he has to lie to me. Also I have tried to be very understanding over the years about their contact, he attends all the ‘family’ occasions, weddings, christenings, grandchildren’s birthdays without me and she is there, so it isn’t as though I’ve stopped him communicating with her. Which is why it is so hard to come to terms with him doing it behind my back, it’s as though it isn’t enough the contact I know, he needs to give her more. I have two grown up children from my 1st marriage which ended when he committed suicide over 10yrs ago. Therefore my husband doesn’t have to deal with any issues from my exhusband! My two grown up children have been brilliant and supportive throughout. Any advice welcome.

  31. Alice says:

    My husband is a womanizer but doesn’t reconize that fact. Woman absolutely love him. He is an older man who keeps himself in top shape. He dresses like a model (very clean) love to tlak and socialize with woman. He refuses to wear his wedding ring he said if he wnats to cheat wearing a ring would not make a diiference. He goes danceing to the spanish clubs and will attend church without me. Of course we know churches are filled with mostly woman. He is such a charmer that woman just naturally fall for him they just think he is the sweetest and kindess person. Even people in his family beleive that and I don’t want to say that he is a bad person but, he doen’t treat me like he treats woman on the outside. I am his 4th marrigae most people don’t know that. He says he doesn’t want to be with me anymor because I am to jealous he feels I need to see a head doctor. I told him I would go if he would go with me. He refuses he says I am the one that is sick not him. In the mean time I am tired of hearing from other woman what a sweet guy he is! I guess divorce is my answer becasue I cannot suffer this anymore.

  32. Dear Tracy,

    I’m sorry to hear how your husband is relating to his children, and to you. I don’t know what secrets he’s kept from you – his wife – but maybe that doesn’t matter.

    Have you talked to a counselor about why you’re so attached to your husband, after all he put you through?

    I was curious why women stay with husbands who keep secrets, tell lies, and betray their wives. Here are a few reasons:

    Why Do Women Stay in Loveless Marriages and Bad Relationships?

    I think you need to do some digging into your own heart and soul, and figure out why you still have feelings for your husband. Maybe it’s just because he is the father of your children, and he did have a very real place in your heart. But why can’t you let him go?

    This article may help:

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    I welcome your thoughts, there or here.


  33. Tracy says:

    Husbands with secrets, well I am certainly experienced with that. My second husband is far from a womanizer, he also really not into sex much either, but he is a caring family man and from what i have had with my ex husband, I am not prepared to give my husband up over the lack of sex.
    My ex husband played the field so many times, even went as far as computer dating to a girl in Austria just to get his fix. I was a beautiful wife, and very sexual, so never understood his reasons, but my love for him was like no other, i was so in love that when we split, i had a nervous breakdown, and still 10 yrs on, i am not over him even though i re married. He has had many relationships since me none lasting more than couple of yeaars, he remarried, but one month after ran off with another girl from up north. Since he met someone else who seems lovely, but still its early days. We share 4 children together, he left me with 4 beautiful children two yrs age gap between them all and at the time youngest only being 5 yrs old. I admit i went through hell and back because his parternal instincts did not show and he spent his life on drugs clubbing and meeting women. Now all my children have grown up, he see’s them all once every few month’s but the love and closeness still distant. I would like to know how after 10 years i can honestly say i still have feelings, makes me mad because he was awful to us.

  34. Dear Jennifer,

    I’m sorry I missed your comment until now! It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your husband — but you’re on the road to re-gaining your self-respect, identity, and confidence.

    If you’d like to share your story here in the comments section, I welcome you!


  35. Ninny says:

    “But, there are different types of intelligence and brain matter, which mean and women have different amounts of. Men have more gray brain matter, which allows them to focus on one thing. Women have more white brain matter, which allows them to communicate better and process information faster. This makes women better at relationships.”

    Not even remotely true. Please do not make up BS and try to pass it as fact.

  36. Ms. Jennifer Tyus says:

    I’m a single mother 40 years old. I’ve had a major downfall in my life. I’ve meet a womanizer in the past. Today I have a child with him. Im going through a custody battle with him, over our daughter. I’ve allowed myself to be incarrcerated behind him. I’ve lost my self respect, motherhood and being independent again. Today I’m stuggling tying to get my life back on track. I need someone to hear how I got myself in this situration. If possible I want to publish my story. I cant believe I’m in this situration. Please answer.

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