Have you ever travelled alone? An overnight trip may be the first step towards leaving your relationship.
Here are a few steps to take when you’re scared to be alone (or divorced, or separated), but know you need to end the relationship you’re in.
You’re not alone if you’re scared to be alone – here’s what Jack (not his real name) says on my article about leaving a man you love:
“I have a tremendous fear of being alone, but even with us living under the same roof, I’m as lonely as anyone can possibly be. I realize it’s over. I can’t end our relationship and stay as a roommate, watching him run around. I can see he’s unhappy, which makes me unhappy. I’d be doing him a favor by leaving, because at least he would have the freedom I know he wants.”
I think Jack would be doing both his partner and himself a favour if he ended his relationship. It may be easier in the short term to stay with someone even when you know the relationship is over, but in the long run it’ll only make things worse.
Read Going Solo: The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone if you’re scared to be alone! You need to focus on the positive aspects of being single – which include improved self-confidence, independence, strength and a renewed sense of self-worth and self-respect.
How to End a Relationship When You’re Scared to Be Alone
These tips may be easier said than done for me, because I didn’t get married until I was 35 years old. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend, never had a long-term love relationship outside of my marriage. I lived in Africa for three years and traveled to many exotic parts of the world…all by myself.
I like being alone. I prefer being married, but I think there’s a lot to be said for being alone! Especially when you can no longer ignore the signs your relationship is over.
The sooner you face, accept, and live with your fears of being alone, the sooner you can move forward into a happier, healthier life.
Figure out why you’re scared to be alone
Maybe you’ve always lived with a partner, or you’re worried you’re not financially capable of taking care of yourself. Maybe you’re worried about what friends, family, coworkers, and the neighbours will think if you’re alone.
One of the first steps to overcoming your feelings about being alone is to figure out the root of your fear. Maybe you were raised by a single mother, and are scared of the potential problems of raising your own kids by yourself. Maybe your parents have been married for 50 years, and you want to live up to their marriage expectations.
Or, maybe you feel like you’re too shy to date, and can’t face more rejection in a love relationship.
Start writing down your fears…and eventually your solutions
If you can isolate the reasons you’re scared to be alone, you can deal with them. But if you just feel a vague fear or even terror at the thought of being single, then you won’t be able to move forward.
You can start figuring out your fears by taking at least 15 minutes to write, write, and write more of your fears. Find a quiet place, take out a notebook and pen, and freewrite whatever comes into your mind when you picture yourself ending your relationship and being alone in a new life. Let yourself experience your fears, anxieties, and concerns.
You don’t need to start solving your problems right away…just get them out on paper. When you’re ready, you can start writing down the solutions or ways to overcome your fears of ending the relationship and starting over in your new life.
Start thinking of yourself as strong and independent
Another step that may help you stop being scared is to start reframing how you see yourself. Instead of clinging on to your partner and feeling scared to be without him or her, start detaching. This means different things to different people – detaching from someone you care about can involve going to events and parties by yourself, taking a weekend trip alone, or making plans with your friends that don’t include your partner.
You might also start spending time with strong, single, independent people who are happy and healthy. Their sense of wellness and strength will rub off on you!
Ending a relationship when you’re scared of being alone is a process. Give yourself time to come to grips with the idea of solo living. Part of overcoming your fears is acknowledging and voicing your fears of being alone – which I invite you to do below.
For more tips, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.
Do you know it’s time to end your relationship, but you’re scared to be alone? I welcome your comments below…
Dear Nette,
I’m so sorry you buried your baby son, and that your marriage ended. I can only imagine how difficult it is, to have life so dramatically different now than it was when you first got married. You’ve been through so much.
I think you’re very wise, to embrace this stage of your life. It is necessary – you’re right – and if you accept it, it’ll help you move towards healthier relationships. And happiness and peace!
I wish you peace and happiness. May you find it in your life. Make connections that fill you with the beauty and wonder of life, and help you cope with the fear of being alone.
Blessings and hugs,
Laurie
hello ms. adventurouswriter..i stumbled upon your website and love it. i am feeling fearful of being alone too. i buried my 2 year old son, divorced my husband within 4 months apart. my oldest daughter lives in another state and my 2nd oldest child is getting ready to leave the nest too. so yes, i’ve been feeling a bit scared of being by myself although i know it’s something that is needed at this time. i will do my best to embrace this time in my life as a necessity so i can move toward healhty relationships. i will resume back to journaling too. it was very helpful. once again, thanks for information you share on your wesbite
Dear Nanes,
Thank you for being here! It sounds like you’re at the end of your rope with your marriage.
Do you really want to leave him? Sometimes relationships go through ups and downs, which are normal. If you and he haven’t tried marriage counseling – or if you haven’t talked your feelings through with sometime you trust – then maybe that might be worth doing.
I wrote this article for you:
You Don’t Love Him But Can’t Leave Him – What Do You Do?
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts!
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Anna,
Thank you for sharing your experiences here. It sounds like you’ve been feeling stuck in your relationship for a long time.
I agree with you, that medications for panic attacks aren’t the solution. But I strongly believe that getting professional support will help you move forward in a way you can’t do alone.
I wrote this for you:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/fear-panic-leaving-your-relationship/
It’s important to remember that the most difficult, painful decisions in our lives are the ones that are the most right for us. Easy decisions – like choosing to stay in your relationship because it’s easier than disrupting your whole life and hurting someone you care for – don’t bring the same level of pain.
I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts.
Blessings,
Laurie
I’ve been in this relationship for 7 years. 6 of those years we lived together. we now have a 2 year old son. In the past he has cheated on me (a lot). now he’s being faithful and I’m sooo over him. i keep telling myself if i had a job that could allow me to pay rent on my own then i would break it off and i also sit and think about everything i need him for. I don’t like for him to touch me and his presence annoy me. i just feel if my life was in a better place he wouldn’t even be in it. I NEED HELP!!!!!!!
I am 40 years old. I’ve been in a serious relationship for the past 9 years with “Al”. We’ve been living together for 4 years. I have a 15 yr. old from my first marriage. For the last 6 years, I have been doubting whether I want to be with Al. About 6 months ago, we broke up for just 2 days, and I experienced my first horrible and frightening panic attack. I was physically ill and had no emotional control. Because of that panic attack, I continue to be with Al. I don’t want to experience that loss of control again. I know it’s because I have experienced much loss in my past. I know that I can probably see a doctor and take meds. But I’m so afraid to go through it again. I won’t be able to work or take care of my daughter. I will feel the loss and pain again. No one knows how I feel. I have a great career, live in a nice area, take good care of myself, etc. But I can’t take the step to leave Al. He would be devastated. But look at us, 9 years, and no marriage, never bought a house, no kids. He’s a wonderful and kind man. I’m not in love with him. I never was. I’ve become so accustomed to this limbo life. It’s wrong I know. Year after year, i promise myself that the relationship will end. I’m so disappointed in myself. I feel weak. But on the outside, no one would ever know. I fear having the talk with him, feeling the pain, seeing him pack things up, feeling the loss of him for days, wondering if I made the right decision. Too much to bear sometimes. Any words of advice would be much appreciated.
i would like to try and work out why i give so much in a realationship and i get very little in return emotionaly
Im always worrying and cant for the life of me understand how this person who says he loves me so much but after a row he will ignore me for weeks at a time then all of a sudden he acts in a desperate way and will go to all lengths to get intouch and proclaim his dying love for me.
After 3 years of this same old routine i no in my heart not to go back and get back on the merry go round yet i do every time
I think I’m gonna end my relationship now. After months of trying to be with this guy, he has always failed me. He still talks to his ex as if there are in relationship (wrong on my part to read his messages) and he says he stopped seeing her while ago before meeting me but they exchange messages daily. I agree it started off on a wrong note we’d physical relationship with me in long distance relationship with someone else. But as soon as i realized I loved him, I had reduced my conversations with my ex. But I’ve been trying and trying all this while just to hear 3 days ago that I meant nothing to him all this while and his ex is altogether a different and important person to him. Seems he took it as “Friends with benefits” and I just got entangled to much into him emotionally. He says he needs time off we live in same house and its been 3 days already it is difficult and I have a gut feeling nothing is going to be good again. I am just trying to get to terms that he doesn’t care or feel anything about me. so its better to call it quits maybe.
Dear Casey,
You DO deserve to be treated with love and respect! I admire you for feeling anxious and scared, yet you are thinking about ending your relationship. That takes alot of courage and strength, and I hope you realize that you are an amazing woman. You CAN get more out of your life, and you deserve to be in a relationship that makes you feel happy, healthy, and whole.
You cannot change him, but you can change how you respond to him. And sometimes the best response is being scared to be alone, but ending the relationship anyway.
I wish you all the best, and will keep you in my prayers!
Blessings,
Laurie
I’m very anxious to leave him. We have spent almost every day together the past year and a half, but he hurts my feelings too much and doesn’t respect me. He is not an intimate person and I thought I could live with it but I can’t. I deserve to be told I’m pretty, to be hugged, and kissed. We all deserve that. I am putting myself out there and going on a date. When I told him, he seemed fine but he was quieter. We will see if his true feelings come out about it.
be strong my loves!
he expects me to just know his feelings and decides when we are in a relationship and when it best benefits him to say if we are together or not. Im 25 years old and need to start my life now. i have a lot of positive experiences with him, but the bad ones are really bad and still hurt. He could be so much more if he would open up. Such a waste, I feel so much anxiety when I think our routine together will be ending, but i have no choice. I’m not happy enough. I’m not getting what I deserve and he won’t provide it for me. I hope he can still be some part of my life, such as a friend. I fell hard for his charming exterior. Deep down he is very dark, almost scary.
I have been married for 27 years. We have two children and one still living at home. I have always felt alone since the beginning. I feel it’s over between us. There have been things that I look back on that just tore me apart inside making me loose all respect for my husband. I haven’t seen or spoken to my daughter for three years and I think it has a lot to do by some of the things he has done. He would rather listen to a bar maid then to me when it comes to discussing anything. We hardly ever talk. I figure why talk to a wall. I’m afraid to leave. I have never lived on my own before, I’ve never had a career. I’m an artist and can do several things. But no schooling or my own income to back me up. I chose to stay home and raise my kids.
I feel like I am literally dying here. When my husband is home I basically hide in my room.
Please help!
Bren
So yeah I am a dude and I am looking for advice. I was married for 13 years we have one child who is 4. May I had enough and asked for a divorce. I am terrified to be alone and I think it is why I stayed in the marriage for so long. It should have been over only 2-3 years in. I am worried about what if something happens to me and I can’t work, can’t shop, can’t cook? What if something happens and no one finds me for days or weeks? How am I going to keep my child happy when she is with me or fed health meals she likes? Is my child going to even want to spend time with me? How will I ever find someone else to be with or will I ever? I think I masked over these fears by instantly reaching out on-line to what ever dating sites I could find and talking to who ever would talk to me. I am told I am not an unattractive guy and I am funny and very likable (if I believe that its a different story), so finding ladies to talk to wasn’t hard to do. But now only a few months from the divorce I find myself in a relationship in which I want out of and now the fears come back. What will I do all by myself on the weekends when my daughter is not around? At nights when home alone? I don’t do the bar thing and don’t want to start. I live in a small town of only 6k people, I don’t want to move because I want to stay close to my child. I work in an office of all dudes who are married and are not wanting to go hang out some place. I am getting older now too. I never believed before getting my divorce the whole “there are lots of fish in the sea” but there is. How do I know when the right fish has found me or me them? I don’t want to go through another 13 years of not being happy. I realy find it hard to hurt someones feelings and tell them it is over. But I did ask for the divorce and even now I wonder if that was the right choice. And now how do I break up with my current relationship, she is making plans months down the road already. I look forward to having free time until I am in it and don’t know what to do with it. I have hobbies but they are hard to enjoy alone. I am a very communicative person who will I talk to? I am not expecting answers to these questions or to ever see responses to this post, I guess I am venting. I feel like I want to go back to my marriage for my childs sake but I know that is wrong for me or feel like it is but then i feel like we might work it out, not sure. I think the biggest thing to keep me from feeling lonely is someone to talk to, whenever the need arises. Anyway thanks for letting me vent. Have a nice day
With my situation, I am wanting to throw the towel with my husband. Yeah, we both have made mistakes but he is unwilling to sacrifice. I am willing to go to financial and marriage counseling to save our marriage. He wants everything his way or the highway. He has no clue on what a husband does and looks like, but wants rule the coup. At least get with some other men that have been married awhile and get advice from them. No, he knows everything! He has no goals, no motivations to be something, but it’s my fault that he is that way.
I’m stressed right now because I have one year left in the Army. My goal is to pay all of my personal debt off. Even though I don’t have a lot of cash after I pay everything, my husbands check (unemployment and college) make up for it. But he feels like I should pay all of my personal debt, and the rent, and food, etc. He threatens me all the time about leaving. My house isn’t in his name, but we have the apartment lease, TV, and washer and dryer in our names. Plus I am in the Army still, because my husband is a civilian now, even if he decides to never get a job and leaves, I have to pay him $700 per month because he is my dependent.
I love my husband and want things to change, but I am so miserable. He can be very selfish and I don’t think he fully comprehends the meaning of marriage. My parents have been married for 31 years while his mom and step-dad are divorced and live together. But I am the dysfunctional, cold-hearted one?!?
I just want to finish my Army time and know if my husband is really going to stay or going back to live with his mother. I know that if we didn’t work out, I would still be ok. I might have some bills still, but I already own a house, so I have a place to stay, I have lots of experience in different skills, so I am not worried about a job and I’m working on my B.A. in Business. And I’m close to my parents, so if I need anything, I have that support.
My boyfriend im with is an x drug addict . I feel inlove with him bc of his big heart. Hes been sober almost a year im not a drug user… I took a drug charge for him
and now I have a felony on my record we’ve been together for almost a year now he’s getting high again and it’s hard for me to leave him what do I do I look at his face when were sleeping in heat looks so beautiful and I feel like I just wasted a whole year of my life on him and I am very afraid to be alone
Im in a relastionship of 1 year and 6 months, i feel like he wont commitment to me, ive been telling him for months that i need something to prove we will be getting married one day but he wont do it.. so i left him and im broken. i love him and have been threw way to much with him, and i just want to be happy and im not happy, ive grown to hate the person i love so much, i dont know what to do anymore.. is it worth feeling so low, i hate sharing a bed with a person i cant stand;.
my husband and i are having a bad communication..its a long story why this happened, to sum it all up,,my husband said he doesnt love me anymore,but i still want him back after we both had mistakes, and i can feel some if the ‘i don’t love you ‘ part is true,but still he is mean to me especially when he’s with his “ne found friends” at work,im very confuse why he acts and treats me like i am a nobody. we were friends since high school and we got married 10 yrs ago,we have 2 beautiful daugthers and we separated 3 yrs ago…i hope to find some answers because this situation im in makes my everyday life miserable..i still, maybe in the deepest part of my heart wants him back…
@ dana, you are worrying about the wrong thing. dont worry about if he will be happy with someone else. worry about making yourself happy. I’ll assume you base your happiness on your spouse’s happiness. Been there, done that. let’s just say it didnt end well. i’m not saying your situation is just like mine, but but sounds familiar. Make Yourself Happy. try it, it’s a Good Thing.
im currently in a going on a 2 year relationship with a man who is rather older than me but thats not the issue. When we first started seeing eachother i was on cloud nine always smiling when he came around me. I had a really strong love for him, But over the months we broke up here and there had or fights but this last break up that lasted 3 months kinda just took everything good i seen in him in the begining and chunked it out the window. Im still living with him its been pretty much a year since that “spat”… I thought that maybe if i gave it time the feelings would come back and everything would get better, But it hasnt. we argue so much i dont like sceaming at him the way i do he just makes me so mad tho, i have went an intire week just telling myself i need to end this i cant even stand his skin touching mine while we lay in bed anymore. He says his love for me is strong but for me its just not there anymore… im really scared to move out because i have no high school deploma, no job, Nothing i dont know how im going to do it…
He doesn’t trust me but takes me on romantic road trips…and plan ahead for others…. what do you think that means… he makes comments that he don’t trust me but does things like road trips for me and he says its for me….
In a relationship on and off for almost 6 years…. not happy some times…but I’m not afraid to be alone but afraid of him being happy with someone else…help me what should I do?