Oct 212011
 

Your husband cheated, and you want to stay married – but you’re obsessed with thoughts about his affair. Here are six ways to cope with the feeling of betrayal and rebuild your marriage.

First, it’s important to remember that an affair isn’t something you just “get over” – no matter how well-adjusted, secure, or healthy you are. In How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To, Janis Spring offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help you make peace with your partner and yourself.

The tips in this article on overcoming your obsession with your husband’s affair are inspired by a reader who can’t forgive and forget the fact that her husband cheated on her.

“It’s been over a year and I am still completely depressed,” says B. on Should You Leave Your Husband? “I can’t get over the betrayal. I have supported him for years, I put my dreams aside for him. I don’t sleep at night, thinking about what he did. I can’t live this way. I am getting older. I’ve destroyed my appearance because of the stress. I have acne all over. I am not the attractive girl I once was. I am so unhappy…I don’t know if it’s me or the cheating.”





Something has sent her on a downward spiral of depression and obsession – and it wasn’t just her husband’s affair. The affair was a sign of something bigger, something rotten in her marriage or the way they were living their lives.

If your husband cheated and you can’t stop thinking about it, read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship.

And, here are a few thoughts for wives who can’t stop obsessing about their husband’s infidelity…

6 Ways to Overcome Your Obsession With Your Husband’s Affair

“Moving on with your life” after your husband’s betrayal can mean either saving your marriage or getting a divorce. But these tips aren’t about saving marriages or getting divorced…these tips are about rebuilding yourself into a happy, healthy, strong, successful woman.

The stronger, happier, and healthier you are, the better able you’ll be to stop obsessing about your husband’s affair and move on with your life – whatever that means to you.

Look at your marriage – and yourself – through objective eyes

obsessed husband affairAccording to marriage counselor Gary Neuman, men cheat on their wives because they don’t feel emotionally connected. About 12% of men cheat for no reason at all – even when they’re happily married. They have no conscience; they couldn’t care less about how their affairs affect their families.

Why did your husband have the affair? I believe the best way to find out is to go to a session or two of marriage counseling. If your husband refuses, then go to counseling yourself. You need to gain insight into your marriage, yourself, and the reason he cheated.

Don’t let the time you invested in your marriage dictate your future

In her comment, B said one reason she is having trouble moving on (leaving her husband) is that she’s put so much time, effort, and energy into her marriage. She doesn’t want to “lose” that by leaving her husband.

I don’t think leaving your husband means your marriage was a waste of time. A marriage is an investment; and like any investment if it goes bad, it needs to be abandoned. Being married for 10 or 20 or even 40 years is not a good reason to stay married!

If you can’t stop obsessing about your husband’s affair and you’re scared to “lose” the time you’ve invested in your marriage, read Was My Marriage a Waste of Time? The Silver Lining of Divorce.

Get physically healthy

Are you dealing with weight issues, emotional eating, insomnia, depression, exhaustion, or physical issues such as acne or stomach problems? You need to take care of your body immediately. Go to a doctor, and get treated for whatever physical issues are ailing you.

The better you feel physically – rested, exercised, well-fed in a healthy way, relaxed – the better able you’ll be to stop obsessing about your husband’s affair and move on with your life.

Reconnect with yourself

Relationship Help

Do you regret the break up? Get Your Ex Back

Want to stop the separation or divorce? Save Your Marriage

Wondering how to make a man fall in love with you? Captivate Him So He'll Never Want to Leave

One of the best ways to stop obsessing about your husband’s affair is to figure out what you really think and feel. Maybe you can’t get over the betrayal because your dad cheated on your mom, or your uncle cheated on your aunt. Sometimes the reasons we obsess about things are tied to events and people in our past.

Or, maybe you’ve always felt insecure, unworthy, and unlovable – and your husband’s affair confirmed those feelings for you. Maybe you can’t stop obsessing about the affair because of what it says about you (if this sounds like you, read Why Men Cheat – Insights From a Marriage Counselor).

How do you reconnect with yourself, so you can move on with your life? It depends on your personality and lifestyle. Different things work for different women.

Ways to reconnect with yourself

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introverts get energy from being alone, while extroverts get energy from being with people. Knowing whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert can help you reconnect with yourself. If you aren’t sure about this, read Are You an Introvert?

Stop doing what others tell you to do

One reason women stay in loveless marriages is because their friends and family members urge them to. Sometimes our loved ones want things to stay the same – you to stay in your marriage – because it makes life easier, more predictable, and more stable.

Listen to what your friends and family say. Read articles like this — and don’t ask people to tell you if you should stay married or move out! Nobody can make this decision for you. It’s your life, and you have to decide how you want to live it.

Get involved in something you believe in – a job, church, volunteer work, etc

What are the most important three things in your life? If it’s marriage, kids, and your home, then your life is too narrowly focused. If the three most important things in your life are marriage, marriage, and marriage, then you really need to broaden your horizons!

To be happy, fulfilled, healthy woman, you need to build a life that involves more than your husband. Your marriage should be one aspect of your life. Your husband is important, but he is not your whole life. Perhaps the reason you can’t stop obsessing about your husband’s affair is because he is your whole life. It’s time to jump into something exciting, something you believe in and are excited about!

If you want to move on with your life and leave your husband, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.

For more tips overcoming your obsession with your husband’s affair – and you haven’t tried counseling yet – read 4 Signs Marriage Counseling Will Improve an Unhappy Relationship.

Summary
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How to Overcome Your Obsession With Your Husband’s Affair
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Here are six ways to cope with the betrayal, overcome your obsession with your husband's affair, and rebuild your marriage.
laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer, blogger, warrior princess. :-) My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

Are you happy? My Grade 10 Social Studies teacher always asked me that. And I am happy, despite a hard childhood (schizophrenic mom, no dad, foster homes), infertility, an eating disorder, and a chronic illness. The source of my peace and joy is God; I'm a Christian. Where do you find peace?

I welcome your big and little comments below, about big or little things. I can't give you advice, but writing can give you clarity and insight.

In peace and passion...Laurie

  5 Responses to “How to Overcome Your Obsession With Your Husband’s Affair”

  1. Hi Sandra,

    Discovering that your husband is having an affair is devastating, especially if you catch him lying about it. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Maybe one day it’ll help to write out your thoughts and feelings, so you can process things. Until then, I encourage you to find healthy ways to cope with your heartache, pain, and disappointment. Talk to friends, exercise, make plans for your future, grieve the end of your relationship.

    I’m here if you want to vent!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. You change ur life for them…u change everything that bothers them…then they complain about how u are and wonder where the woman they fell in love with is at. Double standards and lame excuses for why they hid things. He has been lying about a guy friend named luis….i see his tx to luis and there is no name attached…so i call and a girl answers….i confront him and he gets angry and says he will call to prove its just luis’s girlfriend..i can heat her on the other through the phone as he asks to speak to luis…i cant do this…its making it worse…..sorry arrg :(

  3. Dear Rachael,

    Thank you for being here, and for being so honest about what you’re going through. It sounds like you’re in touch with your emotions, which is great. And you’re taking action by seeing a lawyer, which is a step in the right direction.

    It’s a painful time in your life, and … I wish I knew what to say to make it better! Let’s face it — it’s crappy that your husband had an affair. What a jerk, a thoughtless, selfish jerk. I just don’t understand why men do that.

    Please feel free to come back anytime, and let me know how you’re doing. I don’t have any answers or advice, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes just writing about what you’re going through can ease the pain and help you see more clearly.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  4. I married my husband 10 years ago we have two boys together and I am 17 weeks pregnant with our third. He also had custody of his two daughters from his last marriage. He has been having an affair for over a month and at this point I want out. I have seen pictures of them together and naked photos of them. So now I don’t ever want him to touch me again, I want him to just go away. I have hired a birth coach and banned him from L&D. I am seeing a lawyer next week. I have been a stay at home mom for over three years, I am scared and nervous and so angry with him.

  5. Wow…thats LOW!! You would think the words “friend” and “children” would put the brakes on anything developing between a taken man and themselves but it does not. Sad!

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