Sometimes it’s not strength that helps you get out of a bad relationship…it’s imagination. (image by h.koppdelaney, flickr)
You know he isn’t good for you, but you feel stuck. Find courage and strength to get out of a bad relationship with these tips.
I wrote this article for a reader, who said:
“I recently found out that my husband has been having an affair with an ex-high school girlfriend,” says “Lisa” on Is My Husband Lying About Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell. “Now he tells me that he feels empty and without purpose, and wants to save our marriage. I want to leave him because I know he’ll cheat again and I don’t trust him, but I’m scared. Help me!”
My first suggestion is to get in-person support from a counselor, support group, or trusted friend. If you want to get out of a bad relationship but you’re scared, you need to surround yourself with women who have survived and thrived after their marriages ended!
Finding the Strength to Get Out of a Bad Relationship
It can be very helpful to read books like My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. Books like that can give you support and guidance, and show you that you’re not alone.
Do you regret the break up? It's not too late... How to Get Your Ex Back
Here are a few tips for getting strong enough to get out now…
Figure out what you’re getting out of the relationship
Many people – both men and women – don’t have the strength to end relationships, even when the relationship is bad, unhealthy, or going nowhere. The reasons for staying in bad relationships are different for everyone, and depend on the type of relationship it is. But, the bottom line is that there is a reason you’re staying with this person: you’re getting something out of it…even if it’s just protection from the discomfort of saying good-bye! The sooner you figure out your reasons for staying, the easier it’ll be to find the courage to end the relationship.
Learn about the different reasons for staying
Why do people stay in marriages, work partnerships, or love relationships that are going nowhere? Here’s a list of reasons; use it to figure out why you’re staying. Or, use it to help you brainstorm at least five reasons for not leaving…
- Fear of being alone
- Lack of motivation to find someone new (eg, a new hair stylist, better business partner, more suitable roommate, etc).
- Fear of not being loved or accepted by anyone else
- Feelings of low self-worth, or even self-loathing
- Concern about what friends and family will say
- Financial problems
- Poor role models (eg, parents or friends who lack courage to change their lives)
Figuring out why you’re staying in a loveless marriage may help you find the courage to get out of a bad relationship.
Let go of the need to control other people’s feelings
You can’t control how people – friends, family, or the person you’re breaking up with – will respond when you break off the relationship. You can’t control what they do, how they feel, who they tell, or how they think. That’s their business. Let it go. Focus on what you can change in your life, such as your own behavior and words, and your response to other people. This can involve protecting your boundaries despite criticism.
Think of a time when you did something that required courage
What was the most difficult, frightening thing you’ve ever done? Reflect on it for a few moments. Then, figure out what gave you strength and courage. For one woman, it could be a soul sister, a support group, or a parent. Another woman could find the courage to say good-bye in a book about self-confidence, or a particular issue of a magazine such as O, The Oprah Magazine (reading Oprah’s magazine is one of my favorite ways to stay authentic and grounded in who I am!).
You need to figure out how YOU get your strength…and one of the best ways to do that is to recall when you’ve been brave in the past.
Ask women you admire about the source of their courage and strength
We can learn so much from smart, strong women! The women around us can help us build better, happier, more successful lives, even if we don’t know them personally. Take Nicole Kidman, for instance: I love knowing that a woman of her fame and fortune is as vulnerable as “normal” women are. She doesn’t know what the future holds, and has to strive to be positive just like we do. Her struggles and successes give me strength. If there’s a woman in your life that you admire, or one loved and lost, then talk to her. Gain strength and wisdom from her experience.
And when you’re talking to strong women, remember that sometimes the worst thing you fear could be the best thing that ever happened to you. An article like Was My Marriage a Waste of Time? The Silver Lining of Break Ups can help you see this.
Tap into your spiritual strength to find courage to get out
A solid inner strength can get you through almost anything – whether you’re feeling guilty about ending a relationship or worried about dissolving a business partnership. Spirituality or a reliance God, Buddha, or even Mother Nature can give you access to strength you didn’t even know you had. Find ways to maintain a strong connection between your heart, soul, and mind, and you’ll be stronger than you thought possible!
Ann Bercht, the author of My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me, wrote a fantastic article on boundaries. It’s not specifically about finding the strength to leave a relationship, but it will make you healthier. Her article is called What Are Healthy Boundaries?
For more tips on getting out of a bad relationship, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.
Do you have the strength to get out? I welcome your comments below…
Do you need marriage help? Get free marriage advice from Mort Fertel. He's good.
Dear upset and confused,
I will pray that you find the strength and courage you need to leave that man before he hurts you really bad! Please talk to your friends and family, and call a womens support line for help. Don’t try to leave him alone – talk to people in your life, and get help today!
Many women stay in bad relationships far longer than they should. You’re not the only one who is stuck in a relationship that hurts. Many women also find the strength and courage they need to leave – and I hope and pray you will, too.
Come back and let me know how you are.
Blessings,
Laurie
so confused. my partner often gets cross, usually but not always at a little thing I’ve done or caused, and flies off the rails. he hits me hard, spits on me, kicks me and drags me to the floor and around the house by my hair.
he now says he’s going to cheat on me any opportunity he gets and made me promise that its fine.
unlike others, he does not control finances. he doesn’t earn anything so its all from me.
please give me strength. i think i have to leave but no one at all know about this. he’s perfectly normal and lovely with everyone else.
the other thing i battle with is that we are perfectly normal 50% of the time so i feel guilty then thinking about leaving and also that it would seem like me being silly and melodramatic and that’s what he would say. i desperately want to tell my mum but why give her this burden. i am so unsure. scared he will one day go to far. he said next time he attacks he’s going to use razorblades.
Hello Sue,
Here’s an article I wrote about starting over in your 60s. You’re not alone – please read my tips, and let me know what you think!
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/starting-over-again-60s-husband-died/
Blessings,
Laurie
How do you start over at 63 yrs. old? No car no job no money nowhere to go.
Dear scared to leave,
I really admire your honesty! Your fears about leaving are normal and natural – you are voicing what most men and women feel when they think about leaving bad relationships.
Does it help to know that you are totally normal?
When I was in my 20s, I hated not having any family to support me. I’m all alone – my mom is schizophrenic, my dad abandoned us when I was a year old, and my sister is unreliable and unstable. I was really scared to do the things I wanted in life, but I got tired of being scared and helpless. So I decided to do things anyway – take risks even though I didn’t know how things would turn out. It was super scary – I even went to welfare to ask for money when I couldn’t pay my rent!
But it all turned out fine. I was scared, I was alone, and I was embarrassed…but I didn’t give up.
Do you want to say the same thing about your life? What about when your kids are growing up…do you want to be an encouraging, inspirational role model?
I think your first step towards gaining the strength to leave a bad relationship is to connect with just one person who supports you.
Do you have one friend or family member who believes in you?
I am needing help, i am in a relationship where my partner spends more money then me and does not even live with me, he does not watch the kids and if he does its after hes moaned and carried on about it, i never leave the house due to have 3 young babies and finding it hard, and a lot of the time it can go 1/2 days before he even calls me. we have been together since i was 17 im now 25, i realise i need to leave him but i am to scared to.
Im scared of been alone, of having no one my family are not supportive, my partner only watches the kids when i really need to because we are together if we split, he would not have them even if it was drs etc meaning i would not be able to get there.
Im also afraid of what my family will say, they all have had relationships end all my sisters have kids to different dads, and i feel happy to have still been with my partner for this long, and try to sort it however if i left him i know my family would not care, and would say it was my own fault etc and i am lucky to have even had him come see me and kids as a lot of their kids dads don’t.
I know my life would be so much better with out him but atm he is the only person i see even if its only 2/3 times a week, if my children where older walking etc i know i could get out meet people but right now its just to hard.
Dear Just want to get out,
There is nothing wrong with you – you’re a normal woman! So many of us are in bad or half-hearted relationships, and we lack the strength to leave. It’s not that we’re broken, weak, or dumb.
Staying with the man we know and love is easier than leaving a relationship and starting over. It’s painful to walk away, because it’s a disconnection and we love and crave connection! It’s more normal to stick with a partner who says he’s sorry and he loves you, than to walk away from the potential of a great relationship.
To find the strength to leave, you need to stay focused on what you want out of your life. You want a man who loves and respects you, right? You do NOT want a man who is violent.
Now that you know it’s normal to stay in a bad relationship, you can focus on what it means to create a good, healthy one.
What do you think?
I am 20 years old will be 21 in 2 months, and ive been in a HORRABLE relationship since i was 17. When me and him first got together everything was great! My mom liked liked him…HELL my whole family did. But then about 5 months into after i decided to move in with him..”which was a huge mistake by the way” he started showing signs of controlling/abusive behavior. Constantly going through my phone, if i didnt text him right back he would FREAK OUT!!! It got so bad I literatly lost all of my friends because of him. And my family did not like him any more either because of how isolated he had me. He has been physical lots of times too. Mostly when he is drunk. He just is driving me crazy, i just left him a week ago because he came home drunk and got violent. I called cops on him, and have not spoke to him until today he called me at work. and for some reason i start feeling bad and wanting to go back. When i know how much I want out of it when I’m with it. I knoe it will never change..but WHY do i still want to try again.?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??!!!
Dear Anna,
Where do you want to be in six months? It sounds like it’s time to decide if you should stay in this relationship, or find the strength to leave.
Yes, it’s embarrassing to ask for help from your parents or friends. It’s embarrassing to admit that your relationship isn’t working out, because it feels like a direct reflection on you.
Women all over the world, of all ages, have “put up and shut up” in bad relationships because they didn’t want to be judged, shamed, or embarrassed. They stayed married because it seemed easier than leaving.
I can’t tell you if you should leave this relationship (though I bet you can guess what I think
). I just want you to think about where you want your life to go, and who you want to spend your days with.
Because how you spend your days is how you spend your life.
There is strength and dignity in admitting that a relationship isn’t working out. It’s not a failure; it’s just not a good fit.
What do you think?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We have both been horrible in verbal abuse of the other, and recently has escalated into physical violence, on both sides. It is almost on a clock with the cycle; HUGE fight, apologies, promises, good attempts to correct behavior (counseling/”communication meetings” together, couples books, etc.). Then a short amount of “normal” relationship time passes(up to seven days) and then it starts all over. I know it’s not healthy on both sides, but I feel guilty since I have done my own damage to him and the relationship. Bottom line though, he tries to control me (takes my car away from me), has been psychical and has threatened suicide on several occasions. My parents arent rich and I know they would help me, but I’m overcome with embarrassment. And I doubt myself, questioning that if we both continue therapy it could work. I NEVER thought I would be in this situation; I assumed those who were abused were weak. I see now that’s not the case, it’s the very opposite. I still don’t know – if I should stay and work on things, or run like hell.
Thanks Laurie.
Dear Chan,
You have been through so much lately! You are a true survivor, and I know you’ll come through this stronger and healthier than ever before.
I think you need to get in-person support, from a counselor or social worker or someone who can help you figure out how to get the strength to leave him. I can’t help you over the internet. You need someone you can talk to for a few hours, who can give you the resources necessary to start a new life.
It might also be good to talk to a lawyer, and figure out what legal rights you have for alimony and child support. I don’t know what the laws are where you are, which is why you need in-person support.
I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. Please call a legal aid office or women’s support network, and find out what resources exist in your area.
Let me know how you’re doing, okay? I’d love if you came back and kept me posted on how things are going!
Blessings,
Laurie
I am 24 with 2 young children aged 3 and 1 and was expecting my 3rd but due to unforseen circumstances lost my baby a day before my 24th birthday last month. In June me and my husband were having problems and I had got back in to contact with my family after a very long 18 years and decided to go and stay with my half sister and get to know her. I was away for two weeks and my husband decided to palm our children off to his mothers and had a girl i disliked in to our family home and cheated on me. I knew something had gone on and questioned him, he denied it and I believed him. A week after I had lost my baby the girl messaged me a very nasty message and stated my husband had a secret to share with me.. when questioned about the message he said he didnt know what she was talking about and he denied it again and when pressured to tell me the truth he finally told me they had infact slept together that night in our family home. He claims to have been so drunk he didnt know what he was doing. Since that day he has said to me how sorry he is and how he can’t bare the thought of losing me or our children. I do love him but can’t trust a word he says to me… I feel I deserve to be treated better and I need to be strong for my children I don’t know whether to stay or leave,i have no family support where i am please help
Dear brokenhearted girl,
I think you need to go back to your family for help. I know they feel betrayed because you stopped spending time with them, but they love you and care about you! Your boyfriend deliberately created a rift between you and your family, because that’s part of his unhealthy pattern and abuse.
To get strength to leave, you need to reconnect with your family. Today — call them today! It won’t be easy, but you need to tell them what’s going on. Don’t hide from them anymore.
And, you need to get support from other women who found the strength to leave their bad relationships. Call an abuse hotline or a local women’s organization. Read articles about women leaving bad relationships.
But I really think you need to call your family. You WILL rebuild your life and find happiness again, but you need to take the first, hardest step.
Let me know how it goes, okay?
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi… I have a boyfriend we have been together for two years… Everything stared off great and it seems like a couple of months later everything changes… I started getting abuses physically and verbally…. I wanted to leave but I just couldn’t… I had a great job I lost it because of him… He became controlling and started accusing me of cheating while at work just out if the blue… I had no cellphone or anyway to contact anyone outside of my relationship …. He would to attend any of my family outings… And he stopped me from going to any just because he could not go… He started checking me account to see how much my checks were but hey that’s my man so I had no issue … then he started to tell me how we are going to spend my money… Buying himself things…and I’m in way too deep.. I don’t know how to get out… My family feels like I betrayed them because I stopped calling and coming over…he’s never gotten me anything for any holiday… I’ve had two birthdays and NOTHING…I tried to leave but I found myself right back living with him…its like something is holding me back… I’m tired of the abuse but just don’t have the courage to leave.. HELP ME PLEASE .
I recently found out my spouse cheated on me, it’s been a few months . I decided to give him a second chance, I was not going to give him the chance though. Now that we are back I just feel very depressed, betrayed, unhappy, a mixture of emotions. As much as he tries to make it up, I just don’t feel comfortable or trust him. I am working but have a very low income coming in, and I dont’ have the financial support from anyone, my family is mad with me so i can’t seem to decide if i should have a back up plan save and stick with this marriage for a longer time until i have enough to leave or if i should get theraphy to rebuilt this marriage. It’s just complicated.
I am madly in love with my boyfriend, and I can’t seem to figure out why, because he flirts with other girls excessively, when I say that, I am NOT overexaggerating. He cheated once before, well that I know of, umm… he tells more attractive girls that he’s not in a relationship and that he’s not in love with anyone, (on facebook) yet he tells me he’s in love with me, that he loves me soooo much.
I’ve always been a very emotionally strong person, it’s just… now, it’s like he zaps all that strength every time I try to tell him it’s over. I really, don’t know what to do right now.
my best friend, once made up this fake facebook account (without my consent) and started talking to him, the girl in the profile pictures was stunning. i have no idea where she got them from, but they were talking and talking, talking and talking about how much he didn’t love me.
I don’t know who he’s lying to and I really couldnt care less, I just want to get out the relationship.
Dear Sad Lady,
I wrote this article for you:
You’re Tired of Trying to Make Your Marriage Work…What Next?
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello,
I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have been married for 8 years. We have 3 beautiful small children together ages 2, 4 and 5. I am not happy at all and I must leave now before it really effect my kids. I have tried and tried to make it work. I am so scared to be alone with 3 small kids. I already don’t take them out much unless someone is with me because I need help with the kids. I feel so stupid for even marrying him. I got with my husband when I first turned 18 so I haven’t got a chance to enjoy my adulthood single. I am so depressed and my 4 year old is going through some health issues as well as myself. To top things off, my husband just got a liver problem and he stops breathing in his sleep and I feel so bad to leave him… He is not going to take care of himself. I’m so scared for my kids but I think it’s the best thing for us to do. My husband has a bad drug problem. So bad that he spends all his money and he never keeps a job. My kids always wonder where daddy is for days at a time. He finally surprised me and in September he stopped staying out, Until he got a job 8 months later and got his first paycheck. I cannot do this anymore. I haven’t been to work since January because I got sick. I’m going back to work next week and I want to go back to school. I’m going to take my kids and leave… I just don’t know how, I don’t even have a driver license, no money. I have never been so scared in my life. No family to help. PLEASE give my some advice.
i love my husband so much but he had already expressed his longing to be free. he abused me and now he is starting to display his anger in front of our children. i want to save our relationship but the worry i have for my children witnessing his anger and frustrations are far more intense reasons why i am thinking of getting out of this.. i hope i can have more strength and will power before its too late..
I divorced the man three years ago and still haven’t left him. Now I have a job and can move
far away with my job, but I don’t have enough money to do it yet. I have to bring my 25 year old
daughter and her 7 year old that my husband and I have been raising since she was 18 months old.
I’m looking for the financial help now and hope I can make that plan to leave within a month.
Dear JoAnna,
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry that your husband is so unsupportive, and that you can’t leave your relationship yet. I wish you all the best, and pray you’ll have the strength to stay in your marriage for the next five years.
If you need to share your feelings, please come back anytime.
Blessings,
Laurie
Unfortunately there is no easy solution to the financial bonds. Four years ago I went back to college thinking when I graduated, the job market would be better and I could find a great job to provide for myself and my children with a college degree. But the economy has gotten worse, not better. I have my degree, but still no job.
My getting the degree has made my marriage even worse than it was. He can’t stand the fact that I have a degree and he doesn’t. He can’t stand the fact that he can’t keep me locked up at home anymore (I was a SAHM for 15 years– he did not want me to work outside the home and liked the fact that I was isolated from the world.)
I have three children at home. In 5 years, the day the youngest turns 18, I am gone. I am waiting for that day, and trying to find work to save enough to be able to make it on my own. It’s not easy living this way, but I refuse to leave my children behind with this poor excuse of a man.