How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Her

Saying or even just thinking, “My husband left me for another woman” is painful and heartbreaking – but trust me, you will survive! Here’s how to cope after your husband walks out.

How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for HerRunaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal by Kari West and Noelle Quinn will help you start feeling better yourself, your life, and your future. It won’t be easy, but you WILL survive. Here’s what one famous wife said when her husband left:

“I’m not sure what the future holds but I do know that I’m going to be positive and not wake up feeling desperate,” said Nicole Kidman. “As my dad said ‘Nic, it is what it is, it’s not what it should have been, not what it could have been, it is what it is.’”

It is what it is, my friend. It’s the worst betrayal in marriage, it may be the worst thing your husband could ever do to you…but it’s what happened. The sooner you can accept that it is what it is, the sooner you can move on and create a better, more meaningful, happier life.

After Your Husband Leaves You for Another Woman

Here are six tips on how to cope when your husband walks out on your marriage. This isn’t legal or financial advice; it’s how to heal your heart and self-esteem.

Realize that his leaving isn’t a direct reflection on you

No matter how beautiful, successful, slim, or rich their wives are, some husbands will be unfaithful. Men cheat and leave their marriages for a wide variety of reasons – many of which have nothing to do with their wives. To learn more about cheating husbands, read Is Your Husband Cheating? 5 Signs He’s Having an Affair.

More importantly, remember that your husband left you for another woman because of his problems – which aren’t a reflection of you! It’s not that you’re not good enough, or she’s a better woman. To be able to say “my husband left me for another woman” and survive, keep reminding yourself that your husband left you because he has his own issues.

Stop comparing yourself to the other woman

husband left me for a woman

“How to Cope After Your Husband Leaves You for Another Woman” image by werner22brigitte via Pixabay, CC License

She probably has strengths that you don’t have and weaknesses that you don’t have. If it makes you feel better, make a list of your strengths and her weaknesses, and read them when you feel down on yourself. But, I think it’s better not to compare yourself to the other woman at all. Surviving when your husband left you for another woman is about moving onwards and upwards, about healing and personal growth. It doesn’t matter who or what she is…what matters is that you have a life to recreate!

When He Leaves: Help and Hope for Hurting Wives by Kari West and Noelle Quinn will give you hope and encouragement as you learn how to cope after your husband leaves. There are no easy answers, only companionship and the knowledge that you are not alone.

Spend time with women who survived when their husbands walked out

Ask your friends and family members if they know a woman whose husband left her. If she survived her breakup – and is stronger, happier, and healthier – spend time with her. Ask if you can buy her a coffee; learn how she overcame pain of his cheating. Soak up her courage, health, and wisdom!

One of my favorite breakup survival tips is to gain strength and healing from women who have survived similar problems in life. And, the fact that your husband left is a sure sign your marriage is over.

Let go of your old hopes and dreams for your marriage

If your husband left you for another woman, you’re not just mourning the loss of him as a man…you’re mourning the end of something real, something you believed in and thought would last. You’re mourning the end of the marriage you hoped to have (or that you thought you had). You’ve been betrayed, and you aren’t as innocent and trusting as you were before.

Mourn not just your loss of a husband, but the loss of your marriage, the loss of the things you hoped for on your wedding day. Mourn the fact that you have to live with the thought, “my husband left me for another woman.”

Get professional help if don’t think you can survive the breakup

Counseling is about making sense of your life, and figuring out how to move on after betrayals, heartaches, and heartbreaks. Talking through your problems with an objective counselor, spiritual leader, or psychologist can help you let go. An objective professional can help you see your big life picture and your more detailed personality characteristics.

husband left me for herIn He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, Erica Manfred Erica Manfred shares her own divorce experience, as well as the advice of experts, with specific sections tailored to women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

If you feel lost and helpless because your husband said he doesn’t love you anymore, don’t spin your wheels alone. Invest in yourself emotionally and spiritually – a counselor or a support group for divorced women can help you make sense of what why your husband left. You need to focus on picking up the pieces of your life and starting a fresh new chapter of your life.

Start something new

This is your chance to embark on a new chapter in your social, professional, personal, or spiritual life! Volunteer, take a solo or group vacation, join a new gym, take a night class, join a support group, check out a new social club, quit your job, go back to school. Surviving a breakup can be about growing into the woman you were meant to be – and about exploring a different part of your life and personality. This may be the end of one stage of your life…but it can be the beginning of a whole new era! It’s up to you…

For more tips on coping when your husband leaves you for her, read How to Let Go of a Relationship.

Fix Your Marriage

If you need to talk about why your husband left you for another woman, please share below! Sometimes writing is the healthiest thing you can do. I can’t give advice, but I’m here to listen.

Article Name
What to Do After Your Husband Leaves You for Another Woman
Saying or even just thinking, “My husband left me for another woman” is painful and heartbreaking. Here's how to cope after your husband walks out.

Before You Go...

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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I'm a full-time freelance writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC. I created the "Quips and Tips" blog series; my degrees are in Education, Psychology, and Social Work. I welcome your comments below, but I don't give advice. I can offer you a prayer and a blessing, though! You'd be surprised how helpful a prayer can be....

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254 Responses

  1. Laurie says:

    May you find strength and acceptance, especially if you’re still broken because your husband left you for another woman. I pray for peace, strength, and wisdom – and for the courage to keep moving forward even though you’re heartbroken that your marriage fell apart.

    May you grieve the end of your marriage in healthy ways, and may you see what you need to do.

    May you balance action with acceptance, movement with periods of silence and prayer.

  2. Laurie says:

    Dear Dawn Govin,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with your husband and his “other woman.” I think you need to allow yourself time to grieve the end of your marriage. Before you start moving on and surviving the breakup of your relationship, you need to grieve your loss and face the pain. I don’t know you and I don’t know how long it’s been since you realized your marriage is over, but I do know it’s important to process negative emotions and let ourselves heal from heartache.

    If I were you, I would take time to acknowledge the pain of hearing my husband with another woman. I’d also start making plans to move forward in my life. Where do I want to go, who do I want to be, what do I want to do? Now’s the time to start recreating myself! The future can be very exciting, if we allow ourselves to dream and let go of the past.

    My prayer for you is that you find a healthy balance of processing your grief and staying positive about the future. May you find strength, energy, peace, and hope as you think about what your future looks like — and what you want to do with your life! May you connect with God, who is the eternal never ending source of hope, faith, and love. Amen.


    • Aonymous says:

      I can’t do any of what you suggest. Over the last six years there has been many things happening in my marriage, not just this last affair or any affairs, but many many other hurts. I am in therapy, we’ve been to marriage therapy, I read everything on line I can get my hands on. He left this time 10 weeks ago.I can’t seem to pull myself together whatever I do. I am not a good reader so all these self help books do me no good. He says he still loves me, he does not want a divorce, and is not in love with this girl, but he just needed some peace in his life that he could not get from me because of everything in the past I could not let go of. I am trying to get help for myself and learn to try to stop holding on to things, but I start my day out crying, taking anxiety meds, and can’t stop crying until about 4:00 p.m. I’ve lost all interest in everything. I try to get on my treadmill but I can only go about five minutes and then fall apart and have to lay down. I have pushed all my friends away with the exception of a few that no matter what I do, won’t desert me. I love my husband of 40 years and want my marriage back. How can I stop crying, what can I do. Having trouble moving on, trying everything, but it has been one thing on top of another and I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD, on meds, but nothing seems to be helping.

      • annonymous says:

        I am home alone right now as my Sam sex partner of 20 years, age 52 is out with his new obsession, a 23 year old. He told me at first he was confused and then he said inwNt a divorce just a month ago. I was shocked by the news and ever since he seems happy and free to pursue his new love affair. I feel so abandoned and pathetic here knowing what he is doing as I have to live in our house until he offers me a settlement or simply throws me out since he controls all finances and always has. I am trying to be strong but reality is right now, my heart is broken, and I can beraly muster the strength to go on wanting to live.

      • Annabel says:

        This is totally normal for anyone let alone someone married so long. I know as I’m in the same length marriage and situation. The grief is immense. it is like they have died and in a sense they have. Crying, while feeling wretched is cleansing and will stop your body getting really sick. You just need to be with those friends who are super close where you can be yourself.

  3. Nancy says:

    Don’t give up hope when your husband leaves you for another woman. Don’t let bitterness or anger destroy you, or make you wish your life was over!! I was so unhappy when my husband left our marriage but I have healed and recovered, and now I help other women deal with the pain of divorce.

    Be strong and take heart.

  4. Laurie says:

    Thank you for sharing your support and help for women whose husbands left. It’s really important for us to hear from other women who have survived, who can show us that there IS life after the pain of a divorce.

    • Dawn Govin says:

      Hi. Thanks you for being positive. It helps to hear it. Im trying. My husband moved to Texas in June for work. The unemployment rate is out of control here, and he wanted to get his foot in the door working in the oilfields. The plan was for me to leave NC and join him when he rented an apartment and furnished it. He is an alcoholic who has been in recovery for a few years. He fell off the wagon soon after arriving and ended up incarcerated for being drunk in public. After a week, he was released and went to stay at a local rehab center. He called me and I was supportive of him because I saw how well he did when in recovery. He was on a waiting list to get into a residential program, so he was able to leave the center campus every day until he goes into the wellness program. I have been sending him money to his account to help him and telling him how proud I am. He was 30 days sober. Anyway, his behavior changed a few weeks ago and he told me he needed me to send a nude picture because he needed sexual relief. I didnt want to and then he changed. He told me that if I loved him I would or pick up and move down right away so he can be with me. I cant afford to do that right now. He was talking to me less frequently and then only at night when he was in bed at lights out. A few days ago he called me up drunk and started an argument over something so trivial I cant remember it. Then he said; ” I want you to know im sorry. Since ive been down here I met a girl. She is 10 years younger than me.” That would make her 23. I didnt let him finish before I started yelling at him and telling him I knew something was wrong. The whole time he was trying to say ” I did not do anything”. I was so upset I hung up. Several hours later I saw that I had two new voice messages. When I listened to it, I heard him say something muffled, a girl said “Please do it” and then” No dont turn that on”. Then I heard them starting intercourse. The phone was right next to them. The message ended and the next one started. It was them still doing it. He must have redialed when the first one ran out. I got to hear the whole thing until after he finished and then I heard him pick up the phone and turn it off. I was in complete shock and my heart was beating fast. I called him after I could breathe. For once he picked up right away and sais what’s up? I told him I had heard the message and before I could say anything he hung up. Im so sick. I blocked his calls and havent talked to him since, but the sound of them together keeps playing in my head. Im trying to move on. How can I be positive ? He emailed me yesterday saying he loves and misses me. Like nothing happened. I wo

      • Dawn Govin says:

        Sorry. I wont answer him. But where do I start moving on other than listening to Sara Evans A Little Bit Stronger over and over?

  5. maria says:

    I really love Louis so much that I thought I cannot live without him. I was married for 7 years with 2 kids and we lived happily until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments almost every day… it got worse when he filed for divorce. I didn’t think I could cope when he left even though there wasn’t another woman involved. He wasn’t cheating on me. I tried my best to make him change his mind and stay with me because i loved him with all my heart and didn’t want to lose him but everything just didn’t work out. He moved out of the house and still went ahead to file for divorce.

    If your husband has left you I believe you can cope and overcome the pain. Trust God to help you through and support you. He can take away your pain and help you cope with your husband leaving and filing for divorce. Believe because otherwise what do you have?

  6. Alexa J. says:

    To all the women whose husbands left them for another woman, I just want to say hang in there!!! My husband left me exactly five years ago and it was horrible to go through but I’m better, much much much better now. Life goes back to normal and you can even be happy again, but only if you try to put your life back together. If you don’t accept that he’s gone you won’t heal. The best tip in this list is to start something new that heals you.

    • Sarah says:

      My husband did not leave me, he had an affair, I took
      Him back, but he drinks a lot now on his own at night, I think he
      Misses his other woman, pls help

      • Sheila says:

        I have experience that same thing for the last two years. my partner of ten years had an affair with ah married woman. I found out about it, confronted them both and her husband. My partner drank for two years. This past Christmas he told me he was going to reach out to her and see if what they experienced was real. So, yes your husband is mourning her. Now I am in more pain than before. He tells me he loves me but she is the one that takes away all his pain.

  7. Laurie says:

    Thank you for being here Michele and Yessenia, and sharing your stories of your husbands. It’s so painful when a husband leaves for another woman, and no breakup survival tips could ever be enough to heal the pain.

    I don’t know how some people can just walk away from their marriages and families, and hardly even look back. My friend’s husband did the same thing a couple years ago, and the whole family is still reeling from the shock and pain.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you as you move into the next chapter of your life. May you be blessed with healing from the pain of the breakup. May you be blessed with courage and strength as you move on to the next chapter of your life. And may you find hope in the presence of others.


  8. Yessenia says:

    I’m hurting soo bad right now. My Army husband decided to separate from me after 4 years of marriage & 5 years together. Not to mention that I just recently gave birth to a beautiful daughter 2 months ago. In NC, you have to be separated for a year before you can file for divorce. About mid-August, I noticed my husband would talk to his “female friend” who is also married and who supposedly lives in Spain in the Air Force. His “female friend” knew that I was his wife and that he had a 2 month old daughter with me. His “female friend” would contact my husband by facebook and telephone and confide in him about her issues with her husband and everything. I didn’t think anything of it because I trusted my husband and never thought he would betray me. He was a good man I thought until now. I thought the love was there. Everyone thought the love was there. We did have our issues with him complaining about certain things like nagging but I never thought it was issues that would cause our marriage to die. I figured we could always work on our issues to make our marriage better but I guess he didn’t think so. He told me that he would be with me forever for better or worse. I guess not. Towards the end of August, my husband’s “female friend” called my husband and told him that she was divorcing her husband. My husband told me what was going on with her and I told him that “his female friend” is vulnerable now and would rely more on him and catch feelings for him. I told him that if it gets to that point, he needs to cut all ties with his “female friend” because it will affect our marriage. My husband took what I said and put it in one ear and out the other. After my husband’s “female friend” told my husband the news of her divorce, everything in my marriage went downhill. My husband started emotionally detaching himself from me. I asked him what is going on with him and he told me the news. He told me he wanted a separation. I felt shocked. I felt like my heart was crushed. He told me that he was unhappy and doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He told me that he thought about his life without me, and that he was ok with it. I couldn’t believe this man who I loved unconditionally with all my heart and who I just had a baby with could say this to me. I felt like he was ripping my heart out. He tried to make me feel like everything was my fault just to justify his reasoning for doing what he was doing. I cried, I begged, I pleaded to him to give the marriage one more chance. I told him that I didn’t realize how serious the situation was and that we could go to marriage counseling. I told him we have a daughter who needs her father. None of that worked. He had made his decision and was sticking to it. He decided to move out a couple days later. After my husband moved out, I found out that he was spending countless hours on the telephone with this “female friend”. She would call my husband at 1 in the morning and throughout the day and talk for hours with him. I calculated how much time he was talking to his “female friend” and found out that there were times they talked for over 6 hours in one day. I thought the emotional connection he was building with her could have been worked on with me. I kept trying to figure out how could a man leave his wife and baby for another woman. I kept trying to understand why his “female friend” who supposedly is a woman who prays and is religious, would help break up another person’s marriage. Sounds like she a hypocrite to me. Not to mention, she is also into “paranormal stuff”. I truly feel my husband is lost. Instead of him going to God for guidance with his issues, he turns to psychics. My husband has spent hundreds of dollars contacting psychics on a daily basis. During our marriage, he would call psychics periodically and when I confronted my husband about it, he would never tell me why he would call the psychics. Now I know. He finally told me that he would call the psychics to talk about his marriage with me. Instead of going to a licensed counselor for help, he went to a psychic to get his counseling. I think what really hurt me the most was when I found out my husband was calling 1800 flowers and 1800giftbaskets every week to buy his “female friend” stuff, it really hurt me. I feel hopeless and helpless. I can’t understand how he could move on with his life so quickly and leave his wife and baby to fend for ourselves.

    • Michele says:

      Your situation is sadly so similar to mine. I’ve been married for 16 years (known him for 17) and we have an 18 month old daughter. My husband habits started changing in May. When I asked, he would say I was “always on him”. I tried to ignore it thinking he was just being a jerk but in June he said he didn’t know if he wanted to be married anymore, I was crushed. I tried to be strong and act normal for my daughters sake. But he kept talking about needing to be on his own, in his core he needs to be on his own. In the meantime, he was getting a ride from his female coworker/employee. I offered to take him to work while his car was in the shop but he adamantly, refused my help. He could wait for her and go in late which he never used to do. Needless to say I was suspicious but wanted to believe him. Meanwhile, each day seemed to get worse and worse at home. He stopped kissing me goodbye and started sleeping on the couch. He kept telling me what I wouldn’t do ( I.e. I want to sit and drink, but YOU don’t want to. I would respond I would love to sit and relax with a drink, but it’s Father’s Day and we have the baby. Drink if you want but the baby and I will go shop. Needless to say he pouted and followed us around.). In July, he traveled with”work” and with her. He would even not come home when the conferences were in town. He also started telling me about the single people in his office inviting him out but wouldn’t show me emails. He even left me and the baby on July 4 to go drinking “alone”. He was out until 2:30am and slept in the room over our detached garage. Later I found out, from this woman’s husband of 19 years, that she didn’t get home until 3am that night. I couldn’t believe it, each day kept becoming worse than the next. In August he packed a bag and officially moved to the room over the garage. He thought he could stroll in and out of the house whenever he felt like it, watch tv and eat my food. I said that isn’t how living apart works. You have to let me know before you come over. So right before he wanted to see my daughter usually around 6:39-7, he would text me, he’d unlock the door, play with her until about 8 or 8:30, then promptly leave and his car would be gone until after 11pm. Not the actions of a once religious married man, huh? I went to visit family back home at the end of August. The day I left he went to an attorney had her send a letter to my mothers house saying he was divorcing me. He also withdraw a large sum of money from our savings account and began locking me out of credit cards and withdrew the money from our checking account. He even decided to take over the finances, something he had never done the entire marriage. I saw the money withdrawal before the divorce letter, so when I called him(family is out of state) to confront, his psycho self acted like, hey what’s up? I asked about the money, he said I will be getting a letter from his attorney about setting a visitation schedule. WTH? He is such a coward he has yet to this day say he is divorcing me. In FL, only one person has to want the divorce and no separation is required. So now to September. He signed and served the divorce petition and had it sent on the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death. He texted me before I returned that he got his own apartment. Had to get my attorney to make him give me the address, roommate status and if baby friendly because he wants my daughter to stay with him.
      So I’ve since contacted his mistresses husband and we have confirmed so much. She called my dirtbag at 1:30am and talked for more than an hour while her husband was in the next room. He has been out with my daughter in public with his mistress on several occasions (even in July before any moving out) letting her care for my child. He’s even been caught at her house at 4am while her teenage daughter was home. What’s sad is that this behavior in Florida is tolerated.
      That is only a piece of my story, there are so many more betrayals and hurt. I can’t believe I didn’t see this level of crazy throughout my marriage. It baffles me that from May to September he threw out 17 years together away with no remorse or attempt to fix. He refused to go to marriage counseling. Now I’m fighting for everything because somehow he thinks I’m the bad guy.

    • Mandy says:

      Me too..10 years together, 5 kids (newest 2 months old..) my sister just committed suicide on August 28 :( I just caught him red handed in bed with the dispatch trash on September 20..a total douche bag move..he is..a very weak worthless is new, so still hurts, but my kids are much happier, well behaved and has as odd as it sounds lifted a very big wieght off of all of our shoulders.. (well the baby didn’t know..but with my other 4 the sudden change or disappearance of him has only been positive, they were happy when I told them he was not coming home!?!) he is/was EXTREEMELY abusive mentally always and physically quite often..he is a truck driver so he was not home much anyway..but when he was it was generally hell for the kids and I :( was hell the day (day and a half) before he came home, when we knew..high anxiety all through the house..he had been telling me I was pathetic, useless, stupid b!*#ch, retard..phsyco, bi-polar, name it, he spit on me, bashed my head into walls, through me across floor, into walls, squeezed my face..etc..I thought I loved him..and I was so down on myself believing it was me that made him act how he did, I lied to the police when I called 911, said it was an accident or if they asked I always repeated ‘I’d rather not say’ I was scared if I did I would be in more trouble, no one would believe me anyway, and I was afraid he would turn everything on me and get my kids taken away..I was SUCH an idiot..I feel terrible for what I let my kids see :( and go through..if only I had known. A friend of mine was over the other day, and told me something which made perfect sense..the only thing I am missing is what I dreamed about having with him, what I desperately wanted so bad to have with him..NOT anything I had..that was last Thursday, and it really made me realize that and feel is recent but I am truly already feeling better! I haven’t been hit, thrown or spit in for a few weeks and I haven’t been told how crappy of a person I am for the same..which makes a HUGE difference!!! I know now! This will take time, and I really can not believe that all of this is happening to me/us (my kids) right now..a LOT to deal with..but I can ONLY be positive! and I know our lives will be so much better than ever! I am getting back to being ME!! The happy, positive, independent, strong, amazing girl I was 8-10 years ago before I meg the jerk or before the abuse started..a weak man couldn’t handle a strong girl like me..he needs a needy weak woman what he was doing to me all along..I guess I just wasn’t weak enough with all he tried to make me..I know this is mean, but the trash he is with now can have him..and best worst wishes from me..both pcs of good woman would sleep with a married person with five children!!! Both horrible miserable ppl..& his immediate family! his sister, brother in law and mother and father who knew he was cheating!! Just disgusting :/ sorry for the rant..feels better letting it out, it is sad these things happen, but everything happens for a reason? I guess, so make the best you can of it for yourself and any sweet wee lives you are responsible for :) (I think covered most of my dilemma, probably missing a few things, I am sure..but got the ‘jist’ out)

      • karen says:

        My husband of 22 years(been together for 25) just left me for his mistress that I didn’t know existed 4 days ago. We have 4 children, one who got married 6 days ago, and one who is pregnant. All are over 16. Trying to live day to day right now, but he is my best friend. Hard not to keep talking and reaching out. He is all I have ever known. I know life goes on but when does it feel like it?

      • bree says:

        Mandy Hi I just read your comments,from a while back, and it sounds alot like my life..I am having a hard time I have four kids. My kids father of eleven years is leaving. Hes a truck driver, lol hes been physically abusive ,mentally abusive, Im blamed for talking to a guy friend on the phone, but He can talk to girls and take pictures. Ive also been spit on I kid,you not in the kitchen. Unbelievable. Everything is always my fault. He always says he has never did anything wrong. Its so weird, but one week he really loves me then, the next week, he wants nothing to do with me Like I am garbage. I dont understand..It is very disturbing.And when I am going through something horriffic, thats when hes the happiest , to see my saddness…may God bless you!!

    • Phenomenal Woman says:

      We spend so much time loving a man until we forget to love ourselves. No man should be your everything. God should be your everything. When a man decides to leave let him go! Just know if he left he was never the one for you. The worst thing that could happen is you stay in an unhealthy marriage and you wake one morning stuck and your youth has faded. Women we need to learn that some men are placed in our lives for a reason, season, or a life -time. Its up to you to seek God to know which one. If God ordains your marriage he will maintain it through times of discomfort.

      As women we see things in our potential mates that are red flags from the very beginning; however, we choose to ignore the warning signs. If this issues are not addressed before marriage than what we are saying to this man is that his behavior is acceptable. TD Jakes said, “Why should a man change what we are willing to tolerate.” Now we want play the victim or want God to clean up our mess. Woman we can pay a great cost when we attach ourselves to mates that should have not been ours from the very beginning. So allow him to go to that other woman maybe she is the one. Be grateful that he moved out of the way; therefore, God can send your true Boaz. And when this man arrives it will be a love you have never experience before. In the mean time love yourself, know your self-worth and count your blessing. Food for thought ladies-Turn to the book of Ruth in your bible and read about Ruth and Boaz

  9. Laurie says:

    Dear Leanna,

    You might not be able to stop loving him, but your heart and soul will eventually heal. It may not seem like it right now, especially since you’re starting a new stage of life with your toddler….but you will come through this. Have faith, and hold on to the hope that brighter days are coming! This may have been shocking and overwhelming, but you will get through it. You’ll look back one day, and marvel at how much you survived.

    Have you talked to a counselor about how to deal with the emotions and practical aspects of your husband’s departure? There are many things to consider, and it might help to have an objective, supportive perspective to help you sort through everything that needs to be done.

    My prayer for you is that you are able to find the courage, energy, and strength you need to work through this. May you find faith and peace, and may you trust God that somehow He will support and hold you together through this. May you have hope, and may you find the right resources to help you move forward in dignity and strength. Amen.


  10. Leanna says:

    My husband of 18 years left me 6 weeks ago. We have been together for 23 years. I am a complete mess and begging him to come home. I hate that I feel so weak. My husband has always been a drinker but the last couple of years he has been hanging out with 20somethings (he is 43). I believe it’s a mid life crisis. We have 2 children (16 and 3). Our 3 year old was not planned and after I had him I got really sick and had to have a kidney removed. He blames me for getting sick. So instead of being there for me he went out partying. There was many nights he wouldn’t come home or of he did it would be around 3am. He use to be a good man and he loved me. But I know the people he hangs out with encourage his behavior. I wish I could stop loving him. He told me he is happy living away and right now he doesn’t know if there is a future for us. But at the same time he said he is not ready for a divorce either because he doesn’t know.

    • Ann says:

      My husband left me November ,2013. He is 43 years old said He no longer loved Me anymore, we were married for 23 years and have two grown children. He was seeing a younger woman in her thirties. We are now almost finished with the devoice process. I managed to focus on only me and My children and I have made it though all the crying, not able to sleep at night , lost 40 lbs and feel better about my self. Hang in there and realize You have the best part the Children and You will pull through this just fine. My husband started drinking more and more thats when I knew he wasn’t happy with me and my children. He doesn’t have anything to do with them.But thats fine they have accepted that and they have also moved on. You will get stronger each day.

  11. Laurie says:

    Dear Keasha,

    If hoping that your husband comes back helps you heal, then maybe it’s worth hanging on. But I think true healing comes from accepting that your husband has left you for another woman, and moving forward into a life without him. There were problems before he left, and if he came back there will still be problems to deal with. It might not be good to live in a world of hope — and ideal world that’s not realistic.

    If I were you, I’d cut all ties and move on. I’d work through the grief that my marriage is over. I’d keep telling myself that I deserve a man who won’t just walk out and move in with a woman 20 years younger. I’d also keep telling myself that a real man wouldn’t hurt his children so deeply.

    My prayer for you is that you connect with God, and find strength and faith to sustain you. May you talk to a counselor or therapist more quickly than you anticipate, and may your kids grieve and move forward. I pray you find the right resources, people, and organizations to support you as you move into this new stage of life. And I pray that you are filled with the energy, peace, and joy that only God can give. May you heal from this experience, and move forward in love and faith. Amen.


  12. Keasha Forbes says:

    My husband and I got into an argument almost 2 weeks ago. He left that night, and didn’t come back. He said he couldn’t do it anymore. Almost a week later I got a text from a girl saying that my husband had moved on. He is living with her. She is 24 he is 42. He says he still loves me, and that she understands that. He has sent me a couple of very sad song videos to watch about him missing me. I’m not naive. I thought maybe he will come back, but he would not still be with her if he was going to come back. I realize that. We were together for 9 years. There were never any other women. He gave this girl a ring, he told her everything about me. Horrible things. We have a 5 year old son that he says he misses really bad, but has only seen him once. He has 2 other children that are teenagers, and I have 2 other children, and a Grand baby. All children are very hurt by this. I have poured my heart out to him, and he says its still not enough, and if I would of asked him not to leave he wouldn’t of. I have blocked him and her on Facebook, and I had my number changed. We can only talk through email which I’ve thought about blocking him on that as well. I gave him all his things that he left here which hurt really bad. He moved me to this very small town about a year ago because of his work. Now he’s with her in this same town. I don’t know anyone hardly, and everyone seems to know her. She doesn’t have a good reputation. At first I felt like I was dying it hurt so bad. I’m a little better now. I’m trying to get into therapy, but its not easy in this town. I plan on moving to Florida in April where I agree up when my lease is up. Thanks for listening to my story. Please give me any advice you have that you think will make me feel better. Will he regret this and want to come back or should I cut all ties and move on? Its just so hard when I’m hurting like this. Thanks again.

  13. Laurie says:

    Dear Zara,

    It sounds like the past few months – or couple of years – have been confusing and sad for you. Your husband has changed a great deal, and doesn’t seem to want you to be part of his life anymore. I’m sorry – I wish I had the right words to fix the pieces of your broken heart and heal your soul!

    All I have to offer is prayer. I pray that you are able to find peace as you move towards the next stage of your life. I pray that you connect with your God, and that you gain energy, peace, joy, courage, and strength from your spirituality. I pray you get emotionally and physically healthy, and become a stronger, happier, smarter woman because of this relationship and its breakdown. And, I pray you find the right friends and support system, so you can find your place in the world. May peace and and strength be with you.

    What are your next steps?


  14. Zara says:

    Hi, I moved to Asia for my Husband’s job about 2 yrs ago. We have been married for 8 years but my marriage seemed to come to an end like lightning. I always thought I had a very good husband, someone who would never cheat, even though he travelled a lot with his job, would never betray me. I first saw an issue when I saw some inappropriate text messages in March. The woman was based in another country. But she moved to where we are at beginning of April and I started to see a change in his behavior – wearing cologne, going missing on a Sunday eve (later transpired she arrived on that day and he went to meet her on the pretext of going to work), lipstick on his collar. He denied he was involved with anyone else. Things seem to get worse as I saw the changes in him, we agreed to maybe him staying in a hotel for a week also due to his work pressure and he was saying hurtful things to me which I was totally dumbfounded with, such as he was not happy, not happy in the life he was in, which I could not make sense of. Plus I had no one to talk with her in Asia as all my family is in the UK and US.

    After he went to stay in the hotel at beginning of April which was for a week, he never called other than text. After the week, he did not want to come home, kept extending, saying he still had a lot of work to do and it was best he stayed there. The hotel was about 10 min drive from where we live and he did even come to see me at the w/e. I cried and beat myself for asking him to move out for a week. I felt so alone, no one to talk with. I effectively sent him into her arms. Anyway, when he did move back, he started to come home around 1 am and finally admitted early May that he had met someone else and it was her. I asked him to move out as the situation had become so untenable. His constant lies, coming home around 1am to 2 am on the pretext of working late when in actual fact he was visiting her.

    I then unfortunately discovered pics of a trip he made to US in early June and it transpired she was with him. Some of her poses are quite disgusting so it is easy to see how she is reeling him in. She is in her early 30s, he mid 40s so you can also see the appeal for him.

    He has basically abandoned me in a foreign country that I came to for his job and career. Up until I saw the pics, I was hopeful. He would send me text messages, saying he loves me, is missing me. But unfortunately actions speak louder than words. I am not able to get those images of them out of my mind. It was surreal, it was like I do not exist but that is my H with another woman. How can he look himself in the mirror?

    After the trip he came round and was apologetic but that was before I saw the pics. He seemed to be remorseful saying he did not like the person he became in April and May and had treated me really badly. But I could not get a straight answer from him if he was still seeing her. But then I saw the pics and it gave me the answer and the fact that he was a liar and cheat. I have since stopped all contact with him. It has been 3 weeks now since the pics episode. I still wake up in the middle of the night, thinking about how could he throw everything away so quickly, for someone he does not even know that well? How could he just walk away from me without even a backward glance? When he came to pick his things, I was crying but he still left me on my own. I could hear his phone going as she was texting him. He had so little respect for me and she was clearly more important to him! It is still unbelievable that someone who I had loved so much and shared so much with could just turn his back on me? Did our marriage mean so little to him?

  15. Laurie says:

    Dear br0kendreamer,

    It sounds like you’ve been through so much the past couple of months. Your husband has abandoned you, and you’re left to pick up the pieces. It sounds like you’re all alone, as well, with nobody to lean on or get support from.

    But, it also sounds like you’re a strong woman who can survive your husband leaving you for another woman! You are smart, competent, and able to take care of yourself. You’re independent. You can rebuild your life – and even find a new man to love! I believe in you, that you can start over.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you all the best as you survive this breakup, and welcome you back anytime to tell me how you’re doing.


  16. Laurie says:

    Dear Cindy,

    It sounds like you want to protect your granddaughter, above all else. She’s very lucky to have you in her life, and I believe you will surpass the challenges to continue to love and care for her.

    Have you called a free legal counselling office? Also, do you think your husband will want to have custody of your granddaughter?

  17. Laurie says:

    I just got an email from a woman who is having so much trouble saying the words “my husband left me.”

    It’s devastating, but I hope you know you are not alone. Don’t isolate yourself. Find ways to rebuild your life and confidence. Hang on to God, or a Higher Power. Spend time with women who are strong, who are survivors.

    • cindy says:

      an hr ago we were planning vacation w/8 yr old grandaughter we have guardianship of. a 1/2 hr ago his grlfriend text checking to see what time they will meet today. not only is that devastating im also afraid i will lose custody of her since his income and a stable home helped get her. if i lose her i will lose my mind. i know its bleak. i want to protect her. no use asking why. it is what it is. but i dont know how to deal. God help us. my heart and very soul r broken. i have no idea what to do. im not rich or well to do. i work an live paycheck to paycheck. i cant bre:the

  18. Laurie says:

    Dear Lea,

    I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you in this New Year, and praying that you’ll find peace and acceptance. Your husband left you for another woman, but that doesn’t change who you are – and it doesn’t make you less lovable, valuable, or amazing!

    May 2014 bring you peace, hope, and love. May you find the love you deserve, and a life you love.


  19. Gina Martens says:

    I found out my husband was having an affair a little over 2 months ago. We have been together for 23 years, married for over 18. We have 3 sons, and lost 1 son at birth. Our oldest son (17) was diagnosed with autism at the age of 4. Our middle son (13) has a rare eye condition that affects his gross motor and cognitive skills. Our youngest son (11) has no special needs. Both the oldest and middle son may very well live with me forever. We’ve known this for some time and my soon to be ex used to say that he would never leave because of this fact. I am currently seeing a counselor and discovering all the red flags that were given to me from the very beginning. When we first met, he told me he wanted an Edith Bunker. I thought he was kidding. He is the most selfish man I know and he expects to be catered to. He has never done a load of laundry, dusted, cleaned a toilet, shower, sink, floor. He doesn’t do h-w, make lunches, or even go through the kids’ book bags for that matter. I am responsible for everything inside that house and much of the outside, too. I work full-time as a teacher. He is a truck driver but actually has nice hours. He does short runs throughout the day that allows him to be home around 4:30-5:00. Some days earlier and some later. Yet he will always throw in my face that I work less therefore should do more. That is fine. I accept that, but what I couldn’t accept was the fact he did NOTHING. We started having problems over a year ago. We went out to eat to discuss what we could do to save our marriage. He does not agree with counseling. We wrote a list of things he would like from me and vice versa. One of his items was to greet him at the door when he gets home from work each day. My biggest wish was for him to help me in any aspect for 20 minutes each day. The next day I obnoxiously greeted him at the door with a big hug and smile. I never got the 20 minutes. Ever.
    Two months ago on a Sunday while doing laundry I found my husband’s underwear tucked or “hidden” in his jeans. It seemed suspect to me and yep, sure enough…there was “stuff” on them. I went down into the basement where he was watching the football game and showed him. His face immediately turned bright red and he tried to say that perhaps he had a wet dream. Like that’s ever happened to him before. My parents were heading over so I didn’t have much opportunity to discuss further. I didn’t sleep well and on my way to work the next day I called. He supposedly went out with guy friends on Friday night. I asked him again who he was with and he repeated that he was with his friends. I then told him to please tell me the truth. There was a long pause. My heart sank right then and there. I knew. He said we would talk about it when he got home. I was completely devastated. And yet I had gone through this with him before.
    His reason? I bitch too much. I told you I’ve been through this before and that was when my oldest was just a year old. The reason then? We didn’t have anything in common. That coming from a guy that only likes to go out drinking. Kinda tough for me to do when I get pregnant on our honeymoon and then nurse for a year. And you all know that there were numerous other ones inbetween these two affairs.

    So as POS sits across from me, telling me again that all I do is bitch, I sit there numb. While I agree that it had gotten to that point, I know why it did. I try to explain that it is a cause and effect. A vicious ugly circle that we just couldn’t get out of. Yes, he can blame me, but he must also take responsibility himself. Finally, I look at him and calmly say, “I’m letting you go.” I get up, look at him once more and say it again and while doing so I feel an enormous amount of peace.
    How I wish that peace would always stay with me. Alas, it seems to be a fair weathered friend. Some days I feel good, great actually. I am optimistic and have high hopes for a much brighter future. For all of us. Then I have terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days. Days were I wish I could crawl inside a box and never come out. And often there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to my emotions. Of course him going on vacation with her to Nashville just two months after finding out doesn’t help me any. Nor does having my friends and family see him out with her because he frequents our stomping grounds when they are together. Or finding a bottle of Cialis in his truck.

    • Emily says:

      Gina, I know what you mean about the peace being a fair weather friend. I also oscillate between days/hours when I feel like I can let my ex go and move on, and days/hours where I want nothing so much as to scream at him and the woman he left me for. The latter feels good in the moment, but always costs me down the road. It opens the door for him to hurt me in some way. Observing a no contact rule is hard to maintain, but I feel that a little more power accrues to me every day or week that I can get by without writing him or responding to his emails. Both routes are painful, but your description of the peace you felt when choosing the path of letting go sounds very persuasive and worth attending to.

      • Gina says:

        I took a vacation with my boys to Florida over Thanksgiving break. Drove 18 1/2 hours down there through rain the whole time. Drove in my nephew’s compact car. There were 5 of us all together and it was tight quarters indeed. My kids did not bicker or fight once on the way down or up. First vacation ever that they didn’t. I believe it is because they didn’t have to listen to their father and I bicker. Yes, it was peaceful and I didn’t miss him at all. I pray for you. I pray that you realize it is NOT your fault. There is nothing you could have done to avoid all of what you are going through. And I pray that you never feel so low again that you contemplate suicide. No one is worth that.

    • Andrea says:

      I can so empathize my husband left for the other woman when I was 6 months pregnant with our 3rd. You get through it, the pain ends and you do eventually get peace. Faith helps, God will heal your heart. You are also allowed to pray for his return…if you choose that route you need to be really strong. A group you can google is Charlene Stienkamp. Believes there is,more hope than you think…God is on the side of reconciliation. We did sign up to stay committed through the “worse” …it is an option and maybe why you are grieving is because of the fact that you are being told there is no hope when the simple fact he took vows with you had children with you proves that there is!! God has been in the marriage with you
      ask His direction. May you hear loud and clear!

      • Andrea says:

        My step father used to say, in middleeast if they don’t have a big enough dowry, they’ll burn the wives to death. I see the humor in it now…i could not see it then, at least we were not set on fire, right?

  20. Shannon says:

    Emily… I am going thru a divorce. He left me three times this year. I know how you feel. Email me if you want to talk sh28nnon @ There were a ton of days that I didn’t want to live anymore. It’s slowly getting better. he doesn’t seem to b grieving either

  21. Laurie says:

    Dear Emily,

    My heart goes out to you, you have been through so much! I know what it’s like to feel like an orphan – I don’t know if that’s what you feel like exactly, but I don’t have any family other than my mother. She’s schizophrenic, and not really a “mom” the way many mothers are. So all I have is my husband – we don’t have kids.

    You asked for suggestions on how to survive, but I hope you realize you’re already surviving! You are grieving the loss of your marriage, and the idea that your husband could leave you for another woman. It’s painful to grieve, but it is so healthy. You need to process the painful emotions, in order to get strong and centered so you can move on.

    I don’t know where you are spiritually, but I encourage you to explore your faith. When I think of God and my relationship with Jesus, I feel peaceful, calm, joyous, secure, and loved. My faith and spirituality gives me a grounding that no man, woman, child, or any person could ever give me.

    That’s how I survived the losses I’ve experienced in my life. What do you think – how are you doing spiritually?


  22. Emily says:

    I, too, relate with many of these experiences. Two months ago, my partner of 11 years told me he’d been having an affair for about a month, was falling in love, and was ending our relationship. Like many of the other women who write here, I was blindsided, although we had had our major ups and downs over the years. Still, I trusted him and the relationship completely, and now I feel and know I had taken it for granted and could have been tending to it and to him better. The same was true for him, but no matter, he had made his mind up and is “determined to sever all ties between us.” He has been aggressive and cold – he says he is being kind because he does not want to “give me false hopes” by being nice or communicating with me. I have been in and out of near-suicidal states. Maybe this is harder for me because I was adopted, and both my parents had died by the time I was in my mid twenties, and I have no siblings or children by a previous marriage. So I have lost my family again, and with a harsh abruptness. (On the other hand, I am sure abandonment hurst like a bitch for anyone.) I am still in shock. He appears happy and has shown no remorse. Apparently, I am mourning the relationship alone. He is in love and spends all his time with his new girl friend (something I have to know because we live in a duplex and I can hear his comings and goings. No I cannot afford to move and I do not want to lose my home on top of losing my relationship.) I have a great therapist but I still feel like this pain is unendurable. It gets better for a day or two, but then I descend back into pure hell. Thank you for reading this (anyone who has) and I welcome any suggestions on how to survive.

    • lea says:

      I am sooo sorry. I am going through the same thing. I was married for 16 years and we separated and I thought we were going to work it out and I found out he has had someone else for months. I am devastated. cannot eat sleep etc. I feel like I will never get over this. I have a 5 year old son so I have to! he does not seam to care..he too is all happy w his new girlfriend. it is so physically painful I dony know how to cope. how r u doing as of lately?

      • Emily says:

        Dear Lea, It is indeed physically painful – just painful in every way. I also have trouble eating and sleeping. I finally got a script for ambient and I am taking a low dose every night. Not ideal, but I am sleeping. The inability to eat is harder to overcome. How are you doing?

        • lea says:

          thank u for your post. not doing so well. the pain is just so bad I cannot understand. I thought I was stronger than this. I am a secure smart woman but all that consumes my thoughts is my husband and the girlfriend tog. he finally admitted it today. our divorce should be final in ab a month but I was in such denial that it has hit me like a mack truck don’t know how toget my life back on track. how did u cope? I know it takes time..but what can u do other than pray and function? I am not getting anywhere. I should be soo pissed and want to move on..the worse he is the worse I am. what is wrong w me?? will this last??? I am not myself and cant see myself anywhere close?? do u have children? advise?? again…thank u for your concern!

    • lea says:

      I feel the same..i am the only one that is upset after 20 years of being tog. this new girl thinks she found prince charming. we were seeing each other …I was talking ab how we could work things out and he was agreeable…then all of a sudden..same thing,,,cold says he does not want to lead me on, we had been sleeping tog for a month and he denied it bc his homewrecking skank heard ab it. we need to talk on email. going to try and sleep now. will pray for you. lets talk tom and I will give u my email..our sit is very similar. God bless u and hope u can get a good nights sleep. xoxo

    • rose says:

      Emily, I know exactly what you are going through. I just found this site and I know your post is old. I hope I am doing this right and you get this message. I was married 19 years when we separated. I have been separated for 5 years now and I am in the middle of divorce proceedings. I am going to lose everything and he his extremely happy with his much younger girlfriend who he showers with utter lover, gifts and attention. I found out my husband had a porn addiction. We did not have sex the last five years of our marriage before I decided to separate. I wanted to go to counseling. He told me he had problems but he would always have my back and be my best friend. Now since he found a real piece of trash that is into the same sexual deviation as him, he has totally abandoned me. I have no family. And no children either. Just a few close friends who have families of their own to deal with. I guess I sound like a broken record so I don’t talk about it as much. All I have is my home and I am going to lose that so he can support a whore which he is already doing. They gloat on facebook. I am devastated and I don’t no how I can make it through this divorce. I feel like25 years of my life have been wasted. Would love to talk to you.

  23. susan says:

    i caught my husband on a sex site and he had payed to go on this he denied having a affair but i found her phone number and email in his phone he left me for her shes 65 hes 53 hes blaimed me saying i have a drink problem and ive changed this is all a lie he has had me arrested he gets the police on me all the time saying im harrasing him he doesnt give me any money , he has accused me of trying to stab him and hit him with a hammer another lie hes 6ft6″ im 5ft1″ he has turned him back on his children and his grandchildren ,the woman has no children just a dog ive seen her once she is so ugly and looks really old and rough totally what my husband said hed not touch with yours he is like a different person ,i loved my husband so much i would have done anything for him we had a good life a wonderful r v and went off regular with friends and family we had our own business that we set up together in property service he now says its just his i get nothing at all from him hes cancelled my car insurance without telling me cancelled the telephone ,and sky tv ,and put the house for sale and stopped putting money in the bank to pay the mortgage or any other bills i pay for everything out of a small wage ive had to take out a bank loan to pay a solicitor for divorce proceedings he wont admit to adultery and she wont either even though ive got witness and proof the kids are heart broken as he just ignores them the small grankids cry because grandad ignores them ive lost 4 stone in weight and ive tried to committ suicide i love my husband so much i want him but not the person he is he is her slave he wears a new wedding ring thats not mine im soso bitter that bitch has turned him in to a stranger weve been together 27 years always been best friends never kept aruments going we forgott straight away we had a amazing sex life although i did have to nagg him a bit cos he didnt want to do it as much as me he was everything to me and we always said we would be together forever and would never cheat on each other he loved me so much and i told him every day that i loved him ,if you believe in black magic i would say this is something she has done to get my man he was mine through n through my soul mate my lover my gorgeous husband my life feels like its over how can he want that ugly old barren woman when hes got gorgeous kids a sexy wife size 10 that adores him i do not no how to go on anymore i just want him back its not getting any better hes been gone 14months now im too old to start again not as old as her just a tad older than him how do i go on any help would be grately appreciated thankyou can someone give me any answers plzzz love susan xx

  24. Laurie says:

    An unexpected breakup is more difficult to deal with than a divorce that you’ve been thinking about for months or even years. If your husband leaves you for another woman and you didn’t see it coming, the pain is more shocking and I think more difficult to survive.

  25. Rhonda says:

    My husband went to the DC rally and never told us he wasn’t coming back instead he had the other women tell me on face book. I feel betrayed about it because he wont even talk to me. It was out of the blue for me. trying to sty positive and keep my mind off him and our dreams.

    • Alyssa says:

      Hi Rhonda

      Your story touched me, my husband moved our son and I to SC four years ago, away from family. In November he decided it would be a good idea to have his parents move here to help us, he had a plan though.. A few weeks before they arrived, he started staying out late, lost over 80 pds in the four months before they got here, texting women and just not coming home. He walked out of our home in May of this year, took our car, and refused and still refuses any contact with me, his parents don’t speak with me either. He claims I told him to leave, but that is not true. He left moved in with another woman within one month of leaving us.

  26. Laurie says:

    My husband left me for another woman…it’s the hardest thing you’ll say out loud. Protect yourself by getting financial and legal advice — call a legal aid lawyer and get all the info you can about divorce in your state or province!

    • Janna says:

      I have known my husband for 17 years. We dated in high school and got married in college. He was my first boyfriend. We should be celebrating our 10th anniversary in December but instead I think we will be signing divorce papers. We have 3 beautiful children…the youngest has special needs. I have loved him through 3 affairs and a DUI but this time it’s different. I promised him and myself I wouldn’t put up with another affair or anymore drinking. He has been home from his most recent deployment since May and my gut was telling me I needed to check the phone bill. I ignored it for a while but last Thursday something made me look…he spoke to one specific person for over 2000 minutes last month! and when I confronted him, he said that I really just needed to leave him because he was a bad person and couldn’t quit cheating.

      I know I’m being an idiot for wanting him still. He won’t change. He even told me today that he doesn’t think he will change and doesn’t want to do counselling again. He says he loves me. And I believe him but that almost makes it harder. I know i will never be able to trust him again. In my brain I know that. But when I go to bed at night all I want is for him to hold me and to tell me he is sorry and it was all a big mistake or that I was having a nightmare and of course he would never cheat on me again because he loves me and always will.

      I know I need to divorce him but I hate to put my children through that. I don’t think they know anything…I could be wrong but I think they think everything is fine. So I think they will be blindsided. My parents divorced when I was 5 and, while my parents handled it as well as possible and I had a good step dad, I NEVER wanted my children to go through this. I am sad not only for the future I had dreamed of for myself but also for my children. They won’t be able to wake up on Christmas morning with both parents to watch them open presents…they will have to split weekends between parents. They have already lived through 2 deployments without there daddy around in their short lives. How do I do this to them? How could he do this to us??

      I have to keep stopping myself from begging him to stay…How do I get past this? Through this? How do I know my kids will be ok? And what about 6 months from now when he comes crawling back and begs me for another chance??

      Broken hearted…and feeling unloved.

  27. Laurie says:

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for being here! I’m glad you shared your story with me, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Your comments inspired me to write an article about getting back together after a separation. The most important things I can tell you are to 1) ensure your husband has pursued counseling for his abusive behavior; 2) take your time making this decision; 3) don’t make a decision out of guilt or intimidation; and 4) remember that people rarely change – and if they do, they have to be very very motivated and very very consistent.

    The most important thing is your husband getting counseling. People don’t just stop being abusive! It takes hard work and dedication to look at the reasons you’re mentally and emotionally abusing your wife, What therapy has your husband undergone, to help him see his reasons for abusing you? What work has he done to change?

    Believe your husband’s ACTIONS (eg, going to counseling, joining an anger management group, taking classes about marriage and relationships, etc). Don’t believe his talk. Talk is cheap, talk is useless unless it’s backed by action.

    Here’s the link to the article I wrote with you in mind:

    You deserve a happy, healthy man and a happy, healthy relationship. Never forget that you’re teaching your daughter how marriage works, what self-esteem and positive self-regard looks like, and what love looks like in real life. Love isn’t just mommy and daddy being together — it’s how they treat each other, how stable and consistent they are.

    I hope all this helps, and welcome you back anytime to keep talking things through. I’m not a counselor and I can’t tell you what to do, but I encourage you to keep writing things out. Writing will help you connect with yourself!

    Stay true to you,

  28. Rebecca says:

    Dear Laurie:

    Mine is kind of a long story too. My ex-husband and I were engaged and married after only a year, and of course for that amount of time plus another year we were inseparable. Seemed to be the perfect couple and I was the happiest I’d ever been. After our 1 year anniversary in his last semester of college things took a fast and horrible turn, and while in my last trimester of pregnancy with our little girl, he started to pull away. When we found out she was a girl he went insane and ignored me the whole day, saying horrible things. Then, realized how wrong he was and came home with a huge apology and flowers. A few weeks later during his finals he started staying late at the library to study every night. Soon I got insecure and frustrated and started asking him to study at home in his office. He started to be extremely mean for no reason. He was emotionally abusive. I started to be afraid to look at my text messages back from him, knowing each one would be a knife in the heart. I found a letter in his office he had written telling me he had fallen out of love with me and was depressed and couldn’t be happy with me. Also, he was a “writer” and I found a notebook of a series of letters he was writing in someone else’s name that when confronted told me it was for a book he was working on. I was in misery, couldn’t eat, or sleep. It just felt like the air crushing me every day. I did everything I could to try and make him fall in love with me again, including taking all the verbal and mental abuse he was heaping on me, and all it did was make him say more mean and hurtful things. 2 weeks before my due date, the day I found out my mom had breast cancer, I found an email that she had written him on FB, that said how much she loved him too and couldn’t wait till they could be together. He had met her in French and she had known all about me and our baby girl. Even saw the ultrasounds. When confronted he left me that night and sent me into early labor two days later. Came to the hospital, pretended nothing happened. Stayed in my bed with me. Then sent me and our daughter home with my parents and went to his new GF’s. They dated for almost two years after and I finally moved on and dated someone else. But 6 months after he left he started apologizing and trying to get me back. Now its been about 2.5 years since and is desperately trying to rekindle things. I feel that he has changed some for the better, but I don’t know if men ever change from what he had done. I feel so guilty that our daughter is split and she does love her daddy. But I don’t know if I ever could again. Technically, if we got back together I could possibly have the life I always wanted, and be able to stay home with my daughter and have more children, but how would I ever know if he would do it all to me again? I wouldn’t want to put my daughter through that!! And would I survive it the second time? I just don’t know what to do!

    Any advise or insight you might have for me would be GREATLY appreciated!!

    Thank you,

  29. Laurie says:

    Dear abandoned,

    It sounds like you’re healing from that shocking, painful letter from your husband! Thank you for sharing the actions you’re taking to heal and move on with your life.

    You will go through ups and downs as you recover from the shock of your husband leaving. But eventually – if you keep focusing on rebuilding your life in healthy ways – you WILL be happy again.


  30. Laurie says:

    Dear Melissa,

    Thank you for sharing here; I hope it helps to know you’re not alone, and you WILL survive.

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  31. Laurie says:

    Dear Felicia,

    It’s heartbreaking that your husband could even think of leaving you after 25 years of marriage! You supported him in so many ways over the past two decades, and he turns around and moves in with another woman. The pain and betrayal is overwhelming.

    My heart breaks for you. I wish I could give you advice that can help you heal faster and move on, but I have nothing.

    I just told Marie in my last comment, that this is her opportunity to rebuild her life from scratch. This could be an exhausting and painful thought….or you could turn it around into something that actually improves your life in the long run.

    There’s a time to grieve the loss of your marriage, and the expectations you have of your future. And, there’s a time to remember that you are a role model for your children. Teach them to lean on God’s strength, have faith that things ARE unfolding the way they are supposed to, and know you are loved in a way that far surpasses anything a man could give you.

    If you could do it all over, what would you do differently? I wonder if there’s a way to start doing some of those things now…

  32. Laurie says:

    Dear Marie,

    Your husband didn’t turn out to be the man you thought he was. Hindsight is always 20/20, isn’t it? It sounds like he used you, then tossed you aside when he didn’t need you anymore. My heart goes out to you – you invested your time, energy, and life in your marriage, and you’re left with nothing.

    What makes you think he’ll prosper? You asked why the wicked prosper, and I don’t think we know if he’ll prosper! I know it seems like he’s living the high life…but I suspect he’ll end up alone, sad, and without meaningful relationships. Not to mention what’ll happen after his soul meets his Creator.

    What’s left for you? The chance to rebuild your life. This may seem overwhelming and crushing, but how you look at it will determine how happy you are.

    If you could do it all over, what would you do differently?

    Can you start making those choices now?

  33. abandoned says:

    I feel the pain with all the women who were abandoned by their husbands. I am going through the same thing. One day i found a letter from him saying he doesn’t feel the same thing anymore.and wanted to talk to me about our options. OF course i fell down on my knees and my world just fell apart that very second. He asked for time to think so my 3 year old daughter and i left. before two weeks he told me he made his decision and said he wants divorce. now we have a separation agreement about our kid so for father’s day my daughter was with him. when my daughter came back, she told me she was with minnie( i guess that’s the woman he chose over me)… i didnt get to see these woman or i might have pulled her hair for destroying my family but whose to blame??? my ex husband for letting this happen to our family… I still cry and cry a lot but, now i try to pick myself up, i have the time for myself that i didnt have when i was with him…. i was overweight before and now i turned my misery to healthy eating and i’ve lost 25 lbs…. i go to the gym whenever i have time..
    it still hurts me from time to time… one day is better, one day is worst. like the other comment said. karma is a bitch… ill just wait for the time that will happen… hahaha..
    to all the women out there.. we can survive this..

    everyday i tell myself these words:::::
    this too shall pass, everything passes and changes and turns into something you would never have imagined, if you will only let it.

  34. Melissa says:

    Yes I have been married for ten years a abusive man. we recently separated and I found out he is seeing someone else he told me our marriage breakup is all my fault and of course I believed him. Right now I am completely devastated can’t sleep or eat I feel very betrayed I have him all of me and he through me to the curb when someone else came along I realize I shouldn’t want top be with such a monster anyway I just keep thinking he will treat her better and I’ll see it all we have two children together Andi currently don’t have a job I’m about to lose my car I just feel so devastated I don’t know what to do. I am praying for God to give me strength

  35. felicia says:

    Hi Laurie,

    i am struggling with this too. I have been married for 25 years this aug. but it is such a long story and i dont even know if i have the right to be upset but i am. let’s see shortest version –
    married young,alcoholic to christian, 4 kids, after the last child the drinking got heavier and i felt the drift i did fight, but the wrong way – 4 years ago we separated he said he needed time i did not like it but we still kept contact and talked but he wasnt ready to come home then around oct 2012 i noticed he talked to me diff and i asked if there was someone he said no. we know the same people ( together 27/ married 25 people love to talk) he took this woman to a new years eve party – he doesnt do parties in jan this man who needed more time moved in with this woman. he said he wanted to work things out with me and we tried it was great better than in years – no sex and he didnt come home then i started asking questions it seems like he was treating me like the other woman i got impatient and we were back at square one i cant believe it now this week has been like ten years because i discovered that he and this woman along with some couples we know in common have rented a beach house in ocean city for the week he’s showing her off! im physically ill it just cant be she is not the wife and he always told me we couldnt afford to vacation like that now he has money? i struggled for years to have his back when he couldnt afford to provide for his family now hes resposible? im sick! i dint eat for 2 days then i got hungry but so sad i cannot express the pain

  36. marie says:

    My husband left me after 22 years of marraige. We have 3 children. He is a 52 year old retired master gunnery sergeant (USMC), and met a woman, 35 y/o, with a 10 year old, who is presently in the Navy at Camp Pendleton MCB, CA. I asked him why he was breaking up our family, because everything was going good. He said the sex with her was really good. I felt like I was hit by a frieght train. He did not come home one weekend, and texted me Monday, saying he was filing for divorce. He had secretly filed for seperation. What a coward of a Marine, who served 30 years in the military. I supported him all those years. He pursued me and wanted to marry me. I was a young nurse and on my own. He admired that. He’d brag to his friends he was married to an RN. My parents weren’t sure what I saw in him, and asked why would you want to marry someone who makes less money then you? I should have heeded to what they saw. Steven came from a broken family. His dad left his mom for another woman. His sisters are divorced. His whole family, in East Dubuque, Il. believe that they each have the right to be happy, and divorced is an option. If I knew then what I know now, I’d have never married into the Smith family and all their crazy thinking. After going through a nasty divorce, he wanted 1/2 of all our assests, and is now living an adulterous lifestyle. I told him he’s going to hell and he said smuggly, “Heavean is not an option for me. You don’t know all the things I’ve done.” He wines and dines women and takes them on weekend trips, and ignores his own children. Me and the kids are all hurting. He’s moved on to live his new life, acting like he’s 25 y/o. He left me holding the bag paying the mortage, bills, insurnces on the cars, everything. I was an at home mom for four years, and now I have to go back to work and start life over at 52. I have to go back to school and work and try to hold the family together. I barely make ends meet each month. I’ve let go of him, and hate him so much for destroying multiple lives. Everyone who knows me has been hurt by his adultery. I have so many of the same feelings you all have. Why do the wicked prosper?

    • Phenomenal Woman says:

      Dear Marie,

      I understand how detrimental this may have been for you; however, you have been holding on to this baggage far to long. You have not truly moved on because you stated that you hate him. Yes, he has hurt you and your family; nonetheless, you give him way to much power by allowing him to continue to steal your joy.

      You stated that he pursued you and the bible does say, “When a man finds a women he finds a good thing.” He found you but you chose him when everything inside of you probably said he is not the one. We as women can not change a man unless he desires change. Even God gives us free will.

      Your life is not over as a matter of fact its just beginning. You are wiser now and am I sure a very intelligent women. “Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.” By Steve Maraboli

      From my heart to yours,
      Phenomenal Woman

  37. Laurie says:

    Thanks for your comments, Ellen.

    You’re right that your husband has taken the problems he had with you into his new relationship – he’s not moving forward into a new life. He’s just replacing one woman with another.

    I don’t understand how some men can move from relationship to relationship like that, with no care or commitment. It’s so hurtful, and causes so much pain to everyone involved.

    I wish you healing and hope as you recover from this breakup. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  38. Laurie says:

    Dear Marie,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing about your marriage. It sounds like you miss your husband and relationship…things are different now, not by your choice!

    I wish I had some sort of insight or wisdom to share, but the only thing that comes to mind is “acceptance.” I encourage you to accept your life the way it is right now, instead of wishing things were the way they were before. Your marriage as you knew it is over. Your husband, as you knew him, is gone.

    This is your life now. The more you struggle against it, the more difficult it’ll be. I hope you are able to find a full time job that replaces the part-time jobs – I know how time and energy consuming it is to work at more than one place!

    I wrote an article about starting over in your 60s after your husband dies, for another reader:

    It might give you some ideas for creating a new life, and show you you’re not alone. I don’t think you can reclaim your marriage and life the way it was…I think it might be better to focus on starting a new life.

    What do you think?


  39. Ellen says:

    I can feel for Anne, in the March comment. My husband of 11 years left me about 2 1/2 months ago and a week after leaving rented a house with the other girl. It’s been a constant emotional battle one day I’m good the other day not. He left me for a co-worker that is 27 years old, he is 37 and I’m 43.
    We have no biological children together, but I have 2 sons with a previous marriage that my husband raised as his own. we tried to have a child of our own and I had a miscarriage, when he left me he said the new girl can give him a child he always wanted.
    No matter what I never will understand why men don’t believe and live up to the marriage vows. It is very hard to understand the why’s but all I can say is try keep telling yourself do you really want to be with someone that will disrespect you so badly.
    I ask that of my self everyday when I start crying and missing him. and all he has done is taken all the problems we had into this relationship.

    • br0kendreamer says:

      This is what happened to me. He completely ignores us. He blamed me. I worked hard to help build a company invested all my money to help him get it off the ground. He used my contacts and with his hard work we finally were going to be able to take it to the business level. Then he gave 49% to his work partner. Told me not to worry he would take care of me and the kids. I was worrying g for nothing. Then he crashed the van went missing for days. We have been in a long distance relationship for 8 months to build the company in a better location. He left me 2 months ago. But it seems like yesterday. He blocked me on fb. Blocked the kids. I knew he was seeing someone the last few weeks but thought with the kids out of school I could drive out patch things up. But he has been horribly mean he is younger then me but he alwaysade me feel bueatiful and loved. We had just recommitted in march he swore the online stuff was done he wanted his family back.. One month later a week beforewe were putting our stuff in storage and staying the last few weeks of school with friends he informed me thathe couldn’t make it till at least the 15 or so. Not sure and that we couldnt move out there for4 or 5 months. I should have found a house I was being selfish and not giving him any say. Then he told me he was not coming back to me anyhow he would come get his stuff when he could. Or I could take it to his dads! I had to pack and me and my 15 yr old had to move everything we owned and lost a great deal. He tells me to leave him alone he owes me $8000 probably more. And I have all his stuff I have to pay storage and lug around d because I can’t actually go through it. My mother the only family I have as I’ve no sibs disowned me and won’t even talk to her grandkids. He tells me he hates me because I ruined his life. That I took all his dreams and I should be grateful for the 7 years and leave him alone he is having a child now with “the one” meanwhile the day before they got the news there’s pics of them chugging down beer and her saying she was so drunk she missed work. he is 29 she is 22 and I am 42. I did try to leave him.when I was stronger and had more support feeling he would do this . am I stupid for believing him so long. Did he just use me. Well I got him fired from the contracts he got using my name and has lost the company. He says but he lies about so much I don’t know what to believe. It hurts so bad to see in a relationship with Chelsey on his fb status when he would block me and and add a bunch of women all the time. Have online relationships this last year has been hell. I just thought he was getting it out of his system and now we were coming out and we talked about camping ect. And then this he says he will pay me when he has the money and be here eventually to get his stuff. Like what the hell I cry all the time each day is like a new knife.

  40. Marie says:

    Thanks for this site. My husband left me 26 months ago to go to live with his first cousin. Their fathers were brothers. We had been together 26 years and married 23 years. He was 72 when he left. We had a good marriage, full of love, sex and compassion. We were on a Spiritual journey together. I am stunned and gutted. He had not seen this cousin in 50 years. His sister told him to look her up when he was in FL. Now there are divorce papers going back and forth and I cannot get my life together. He did not want me to work for years and now he offers no support and canceled my government health insurance. The cousin is behind this. She wants all of his limited funds. We have a cottage that we were about to move into for our retirement. His 44 year old son who has goofed off and lost his business, home and family is now living there. My husband is enabling him to continue his childish lifestyle. I love my husband and miss our life together. In December we went before a judge about a divorce. In the hearing my husband kept saying that the only thing wrong with our marriage was the interference from members of his family. The judge kept asking him if those people were out of his life and my husband said yes. The judge kept rephrasing the question and my husband kept answering that the only thing wrong in our marriage was these interfering family members…so the judge denied the divorce. Now there are new divorce papers. I think his son is also behind this because he wants our cottage. He is 74 now and I will be 70 soon. It is so hard to “start over” at this age. I am working 4 part time jobs, one of which is physically hard. I cannot find a good full time job. I wonder how long I can keep up this pace, especially with no health insurance. What an I do to reclaim my marriage and my life?

  41. Laurie says:

    Dear Michelle,

    Thank you for sharing here. It sounds like you’re in shock about your husband – but you know you have the strength to get through this! You are resilient – you’re like the Bounce Back Babe :-)

    In all seriousness, I wish you all the best as you cope with this major life change. Taking it one day at a time is the best thing you can do. I hope you have people you can lean on for support, both in person and here on the internet. Feel free to come back anytime and let me know how you are.


  42. Michelle says:

    My husband left me and threatened to take my daughter and stated that I would never see her again. I felt like I was so blindsided and that
    all of his friends new about what he was doing and was about to do
    before I knew. I am still hurting right now but I know that I am a strong person and I will get through this. The hard part is that my husband has told so many lies and I have had to defend my self and my honor. I feel so hurt but I am taking things one day at a time.

  43. Laurie says:

    Have you ever thought that maybe your husband’s leaving you is the best thing that could have happened to you?

    I wonder if it ever turns out that way…that a husband’s “abandonment” actually turns out to be a gift…

  44. Mary Alex says:

    My Husband left me a year ago. No warning, no communication nothing. He just came home one day and said he didn’t want to be married anymore. He told me his heart wasn’t in it anymore and he wanted to leave me 5 years ago. I was heart broken and beyond hurt. I believed what he said because I always believed everything he said. It wasn’t until after we had signed the decree( he pushed as quick as possible. We were divorced in 2 weeks) that I found out he left me for his coworker. The lies began coming out and I soon realized he had been lying to me for our whole marriage. Instead of it destroying me I let is empower me. I became a stronger, more confident women than I had ever been. I met the love of my life a few months after the divorce at the top of a fire tower at 5am. What are the chances of that happening. I don’t know what the future has to hold and if I will ever get married again, but I know that whatever may happen I’m a stronger person for going through what I did. Its also very reassuring to know that karma is a B*TCH!

  45. paul muller says:

    My name is Paul. I cheated on my wife and she left me. I feel terrible but I cant change what I did. I hope your article helps her, because I sent it to her.

  46. Sandra says:

    My husband is an alcoholic and has formed a strong friendship with a lesbian at his work. She has recently split from her partner. She send shim texts saying she is so in love with him and tells him to start a fight with me so they can go to the pub. He lies about seeing her on week ends and they drink and smoke and party together. I confronted him about this relationship as I am waiting for him to get counselling on his drinking. Our marriage is on the rocks. He said he doesn’t want to give up drinking and she does thing he like such as going to the footy and drinking. I threw him out yesterday.

  47. Laurie says:

    Dear Sharon,

    Life has really dealt you a difficult set of cards, huh? I’m sorry that your husband left. That’s such a difficult thing to bear – especially introducing your kids to her after such a short time! He really isn’t thinking clearly.

    I hope you’re able to find the in-person support you need. I hope you meet strong, enthusiastic, spirit-filled, happy, and smart women who can help you crawl out of this fog and into a happier, healthier life.

    There are some tips in this article that may help:

    Depression After Breaking Up – What to Expect and How to Survive

    I’m glad you already see that life will be better in the long run without him! It’s mourning the end of your marriage that is so painful in the short term.

    I welcome you back anytime – feel free to share how you’re coping.


  48. Laurie says:

    Dear Kia,

    I am very sorry for what you and your daughter are going through, and your 7 month old as well! It’s heartbreaking. I don’t know why some men do this – it’s selfish and devastating.

    I think you and your daughter need to get family counselling, so you can learn ways to cope with your husband’s betrayal. She wants her daddy, and you need to find ways to help her heal. You need to learn how to teach her to be strong and resilient, and how to live without her father.

    Can you call a counsellor today, and start getting guidance on how to cope with this? Tell me how it goes.

  49. Sharon says:

    My husband took all of his things and moved out last night. The reason.. the same woman he left me for 2.5 years ago that at that time just wuit talking to him or having anything to do with him. 17 years and this is the 8th affair that I am aware of. I look at myself and wonder why I was never good enough? He took our kids 16 and 9 to meet her yesterday after he has only been seeing her for a little over a week. I donlt want my kids to like her better than me. She gets to be “fun” while I have to be the heavy at home harping on bedtime, homework and all the other stuff that goes with being a full-time parent. I hate him, know I will be better off without him, but my heart hurts so bad. I can tell you a hundred positives why it is better that he be gone but none of them seem to melt the fog. I hate being a mess in front of my kids while they see him and her together laughing and having a grand time. I don’t really have anyone I can talk to as my paretns are gone and I’m not close to my sister. I was never given any chance to cultivate frienships outside my marriage so there isn’t anyone to go to. Not to mention I am sure people get tired of me going on and on. Thanks for listening. :)

  50. Kia says:

    My husband admitted to having an affair. the day before Valentines day he told me and it hurt me to the core. We have two children together. The youngest one is only 7 months old. This new woman is pregnant and their are starting a family. How can a man leave his family to start a new? I cried and cried trying to make sense of this. Getting a divorce is not cheat and im trying to pay for college.

    My other daughter is 5 years old and she wants her dad to be there, but he doesnt want to. We live in the same town and Im afraid that Im going to run into them together. Can someone please help me in this.

  51. Laurie says:

    Dear Kay,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. It can be so difficult to overcome the betrayal of a husband leaving you for another woman, and learn how to trust a man again. I do not think men realize how destructive their cheating actions are, and how much pain they cause when they betray their wives.

    Have you talked to a counselor about your feelings? It sounds like you are stuck…and I believe you CAN get unstuck and find love again!

    There are no guarantees that the next man will not cheat. I have no guarantee that my husband will not cheat on me. But, I have to trust that our marriage will unfold the way it is meant to…and that I have the strength and courage to face whatever comes my way. Cheating husband or not.

    What do you think about seeing a counselor?


  52. Kay says:

    My hubby left me years and years ago for another woman, and I still feel pain and have suicidal thoughts. Not all day everyday, but everyday certainly. I’d feel better perhaps if I too had the distraction of love in my life, but find it quite hard to consider dating as the trust is gone, and having been on the dumped end of all my relationships (i sound like a catch don’t I!!) I’m too much of a coward to move on in that sense. Oh well, maybe he’ll take his new ‘for better or worse’ vows he took recently to heart this time. I wonder if these people really know the true destruction they cause. Probably best they don’t and they actually just have happy lives, no sense in us all going down with the ship! My advice to those going through the same thing is to love yourself. My thoughts go out to you all, you are not alone x

  53. Laurie says:

    Dear Eileen,

    You say “I am unable to move on and get over him.” Is this true? Do you really believe you aren’t able to detach yourself from him, physically and emotionally?

    You also say, “He is ensuring that I remain emotionally attached to him.” Again, is this TRUE? Does he have this much power over you? Do you have so little control over your emotions, thoughts, decisions, choices, and behaviors?

    You are a smart, strong woman. You have bounced back from other problems in your life, and you have the power to survive this.

    Don’t give your husband all your power. You are freely and willingly giving him everything he needs to do whatever he wants – he does not have control unless you give it to him.

    I am sorry your husband left you for another woman. My heart goes out to you – it is a very hard betrayal to recover from, and you will never be the same. But you gave him so many years of your life…why do you want to give him your future, too?

  54. Eileen K says:

    my husband moved out 14 months ago after I discovered he had resumed an affair with the same woman he’d had a 3 year affair with back in the 90’s, I forgave him and took him back last time but I was aware by his actions with his mobile phone etc. that he was still hiding something and I knew in my heart that he had never broken contact with this woman, it led to many arguments and accusations on my part when he would accuse me of being neurotic and storm out, even convincing my grown up sons that I was insane but you know when someone is lying and hiding something. In between these episodes he would tell me how much he loved me and at times I believed that maybe it was all in my imagination. Then in 2010 I noticed the signs again, suspicious phone calls, unexplained disappearances, he stopped taking me out, turned his back on me in bed. Eventually the tension between us was at breaking point. I knew he was having a full blown affair again and knew it was with the same woman…he still kept on denying everything but beyond that would not talk to me, he had totally blanked me out, After a year of terrible strain I eventually forced him to leave our home in aug 2011. It broke my heart, I still loved him deeply but could no longer live with the strain. After a about a month he moved into rented accommodation and it was my 50th birthday and he gave me beautiful gold ear rings and said it was always me he loved, I was so happy and was ready to forgive him and give him yet another chance (stupidly but he could always get around me) From there he began calling every morning and night, we would have breakfast together, he would call in the evening and we would sit and watch telly together, usually have sex too then at bedtime he would leave and go back to his own place, Whenever I would mention him moving back he would clam up and refuse to discuss, in fact he never wanted to discuss anything to do with our previous problems. At weekends he would not call because he would be out in the pub with his friends, but he would call next day for sex and of course to ask if I needed any groceries …!!14 months later I am still in the same boat, he continues to have the best of both worlds, goes out socialising with his friends and their wives and quite happy to lead the single life but on the nights when he has nowhere to go he comes and sits with me and our grown up sons and plays happy families ? Note in the 14 months that he has been calling to me his mobile phone has not rang once in my company in all that time, either he leaves it in his jeep or if it’s in his pocket he keeps it on silent !! It is clear from this that he has not changed and in fact instead of trying to bring him to his senses I have made his life a whole lot better. He is enjoying living the single life and he can play at being a part time husband and father when he has nothing else to do and is feeling lonely….I have told him several times that if I dont get a commitment from him I will not allow him to continue to come and go in my life as he pleases. If he had any intention of rebuilding our marriage he would at least start taking me out but he refuses to be seen in public with me, says we are not ready for that. I have gotten myself into an intolerable situation much worse than I’ve ever been in. I allowed him back into my life thinking it would lead to a reconciliation but this was never his intention. He has the perfect situation now, sex without commitment with his own wife, never taking me out, goes to the pub with the boys whenever he chooses and no one to answer to when he goes home ….meanwhile Iam unable to move on and get over him, he knows where I am all the time and I dont ever know where he goes after he leaves my home at 10.30 every night? He is ensuring that I remain emotionally attached to him while he is probably still seeing this other woman too… please can anyone give me advice as I am consumed with despair…!!!

  55. Laurie says:

    I think the worst part is the first few weeks and months after you find you your husband is leaving. Although, my friend’s husband left her a year ago this month, and she’s still as devastated today as she was when she first found out. It’s awful for her and her kids.

    Give yourself time to get over the shock and pain of betrayal. After you’ve grieved the end of your marriage, you have to find ways to pick up the pieces of your life. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to force yourself to rebuild your life.

    What’s the alternative?

  56. destroyed-desolate-disparing says:

    In March is 15 years together, 10 years of that married. I met him when I was 20. I thought I knew love before, but never like with him. 3 years ago, in my lonely and stupid state I started a bit of a text affair. Nothing physical, but I bonded with someone going through the same as me. We seperated for a year, and it was the worst year of both our lives. We came back stronger, and had a rededication ceramony. During all this emotional rollercoaster I confided in my best friend. She has always been my rock. The last few months I could tell something was different. He always kept ppl around us, never a moment alone. He works 2nds and I work 1st. I looked forward to the wknds. A few wks ago I stayed up on a friday night, looking forward to quality time with him. He came home late. I was already asleep. That week, my best friend asked me out for a drink. I told her I was afraid I was losing him. She gave me advice on how to bring him back around. Just 2 days ago he finally admitted the night I waited up, he slept with someone. Guess who!! MY best friend. Oh, they apparently are close now. Have so much in common. He has feelings for her. She will not communicate with me. I am the bad guy. It’s my fault things are the way they are. If I wasn’t so pushy about keeping him to myself, and for always being angry that we are never alone, then he wouldn’t have found what he needed in her. I could KILL right now. (that’s my feelings talking. I won’t do anything) I want to lash out and hurt something. I won’t of course, but it’s making me feel weak not to show how much they hurt me. I should be fighting for what’s mine, right? But they’ve put me in a spot that fighting will not resolve. The real sad part, is I considered overlooking this and working on us, as long as she falls off the earth. He says he doesn’t know. He isn’t ready to cut ties with her. He won’t say we’re done, but he’s set me up to be the one to call it. Her child calls me Aunt. How are they going to explain that Aunt is gone and mommy is #$%# Uncle???? Oh, I’m sure they’ll paint a lovely picture of how I made it this way. And what scares me most, is I leave and everyone else accepts the new girl. 15 years, and I am more alone now than ever. And I don’t even have a best friend to talk to about it. I am extremely hurt. Breathing is hard. Focusing is harder. I just want to feel him cuddle me, and tell me this was all a bad dream. It hurts to know I won’t feel that security again. I know, get out there. Find new activities, blah blah. I’m sure in time I will, but for now HELP! How can I possibly place one foot in front of the other at this point? I text him a pic of me and him laughing together after our ceramony. I left a nasty letter about how they can tell their friends later how they hooked up. They can say his X wife brought them together. I am stuck in this house for at least a month or 2 to gather the funds to leave. The first separation, I drained my 401k to do this. I even helped with his bills while I was gone. But I was the bad guy, I felt I needed to make up for what I did. Now, it’s on the other foot, and I haven’t a dime to up and leave. It’s his mother’s house, so I can’t make HIM leave. And I keep picturing them as living my life, but its her instead of me. I’m dying here! How do I live through staying here the next couple of months, knowing they are “together”?? Please God, help me. I have been through a pretty rough life. Nothing has hurt this much…

  57. Jessica says:

    I am 19 and have never been married but I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years. He was 6 years older than me. I should have taken a man of his age being interested in me as a warning sign, but I didn’t know any better. I kept it a secret from my family until I turned 18. He made me feel so special by saying things that I thought were meaningful like “I’m so happy to see how happy I make you and to see you smile”. He made me feel so happy and so important. He would say “don’t ever think you aren’t worth the drive”. The relationship was long distance, but it was only a half an hour away. During the whole relationship he only came down to see me once and I came up to spend every single weekend with him because I had obligations to go to school the rest of the week. The fact that he really never came down to see me and got extremely upset with me when I told him I was sad he never came and saw me should have been an indication of how insensitive he was to my feelings. He told me that he didn’t even want to talk to me when I brought up him not coming down, because he said I was apathetic and immature. About 7 months into our relationship, he moved in with this woman who he had graduated with. She had a ten year old son. He told me she was in a relationship and I foolishly thought nothing of her. But one day when I had arrived into his small town to see him, I drove right passed him and in the passenger seat was his roommate. They both saw me and I didn’t didn’t even get so much as a wave hello from him. My heart sank but I thought I should give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him what’s up. I went to his house and it was locked, so I just went home and felt pretty worried and anxious. He didn’t answer his phone, or my texts and didn’t even contact me until 2 days after that. He sent me a long text message saying how me and him should be just friends and that things with him and I were getting too serious and he wasn’t really looking for anything. I was devastated. I had wasted so much time and energy on this person. When I went to tell him how hurt my feelings were, he talked the whole time giving me reasons on why he didn’t like me and that the way I made him feel bad about him not wanting to come down was the end of the line for him. He said he needed his freedom and he didn’t owe me anything because we weren’t married. I thought he owed me respect and I thought that if you tell someone you love them that means you want to see them. I started crying on the phone with him and he told me to shut up and that he had to go and that was the end of that for about 4 days. I couldn’t believe way he was treating me and the situation… Then 4 days later I went onto Facebook only to see pictures that his roomate had taken of him with his shirt off. I literally felt sick to my stomach. I had called up mine/my exs best friend for answers and he informed me that my ex had asked him not to tell me that he was sleeping with his roomate pretty soon after they had moved in together. I got played and cheated on for 2+ years… She was single the whole time, he lied about that. I can’t believe I didn’t realize the warning signs. She would get so mad when I would come over, and he would console HER and he would spend so much time with her son. I’m and idiot for not seeing it. I feel really bad about myself because he left me for a woman who had a baby at the age of 15, abused illegal substances while her son was at school, and went to jail for fraudulent checks. I thought something must be very wrong for me for him to leave me for such a bad womanx but I’m also realizing that maybe he wasn’t such a prize either. I sort of feel lucky to find this out, but horrible that it had to be 3 years after the fact. I just wanted to see the best in him, and now I just hate him. This all happened about a week ago and I’m having such a hard time wrapping my head around all of this. I did not deserve this and the pain and constant thought of him cheating is driving me up a wall….writing this helped me calm down a bit..

  58. Michelle says:

    This has just happened to me. I am broken can I can’t seem to function.

  59. Jules says:

    In January 2010 my husband seemed to be in a bad mood again when I asked hiked what was wrong and he said he wasn’t happy in our marriage and wanted some space. I was devasted and begged him to go to counselling. He agreed and for six weeks we went to weekly counselling which appeared to help and we began to communicate better again. We were on holiday in the February when I began to get suspicious of him phoning ‘work’. I checked his texts any there were several from someone which made it obvious he was having a affair. He wrote to her “I don’t know why but you make my heart swell”. It cut through me like a knife. I confronted him and he admitted that he had being having an affair for six months. After a very long and emotional day he swore to me that he didn’t want to lose him and wanted to make our 25 year marriage work. He said he had been depressed after his mother died and as I had been tied up nursing my dying mother he had turned to her at work for support.

    All was good for six months and I gave up my very busy job to take some time out and concentrate on my marriage. After sixx month he changed to become moody again and told me work was very stressful. I tried hard to make life easier at home and slowly became a bit of a doormat who he put down and made fun of. At other times he was loving and talked about our future together which was why when he got out of bed one Saturday in July 2011 saying “he couldn’t do this anymore” I was completely knocked sideways. He left the house and the next day sent me an email telling me what he wanted for his life and how he expected me to behave. I couldn’t believe after 32 years together he could treat me like that.

    A week later his best friend told me that my husband had admitted to him two weeks before that he had had an affair with this woman from work for over three years, he had taken he on business trips and had thought they could make a future together. That he loved her and missed her. When I met him the next week he carried on lying to me and told me that the failure of our marriage was all my fault because I never supported him, was materialistic and only thought of money. He sai that he didn’t respect me as a wife and mother and didn’t love me.

    I was completely shell shocked. This was the man I had loved unconditionally since I was 20. Who I had followed around the country and world when he was in the navy, put my own career on hold and run his home, looked after our children, endured months of painful separation for 22 years only to be ditched when I was no longer needed. All he could say was that it was my fault that we never communicated. I didn’t see him again for another 10 months. I heard he was back with her which didn’t come as any great surprise as I always thought he left for her but kept it a secret so people didn’t think the worst of him.

    A year on and I have filed for divorce as he is trying to get me out of our house.

    It is hard to realise that the person who was your life is no longer there. Another hard thing to accept is his brother and sister and their families have completely ignored me for all these months and have readily accepted the other woman in my place. I had looked upon them all as my family and I have lost them too.

    I am waiting for the day when I don’t wake up crying and when I can actually look forward to the day ahead. At present there is nothing good in my life. My children are busy with their own lives and appeared to have accepted what he has done and met this other woman.

    I am terrified of what the future holds both emotionally and financially. He earns 5 times the amount I do but that doesn’t seem to make any difference and I am having to fight for every penny.

    I have tried not to be bitter but cannot help myself knowing that he could walk away after all that time together saying such intentionally cruel things and appears to be very happy in his new life without any remorse whatsoever. Whatever happened to karma?

  60. sophia gaines says:

    how can you be married for 20 years and have children and just wake up and leave your wife for a younger woman, who dont want you but ur money or live off you! the other women is a HOMEWECKER!marriage suppose to last foreve but we will always have the other women to ruin it for us…. so ladies dont stop living your life because of ur loser hubsand n the other woman… live ur life to the fullest, take care of your health, get some fashion, buy specials things for you n dont be afraid to start dating or having fun! if u had children live for your children… when he is his 80s he will come back to you because his younger wife left him so someone younger n he in debit! just walk away in some expensive shoes that he paided for and i mean dont look back…….. live your life!!!!!!!!!

    oxoxo Sophia Gaines

  61. joce says:

    been married for 7 years,known my husband for 12 years.4 years ago he had an affair got the girl pregnant.we almost got divorced then but the last minute decided to work things was okay for a while and then this august he stopped calling me and just texts if he has somthing to ask.then i found out that his ex mistress is in the same state where we live and suspects they are seeing each other.he denied it and claimed that the woman is already married.then he packed up his stuff last month and told me he wants space and time.then now he said he wants divorce.although he denies it,i know that there is another so lost….

  62. Jay says:

    In January of this year I fell down the stairs and broke my elbow in three places and had to have an operation, during this time while on the mend I slept on the sofa which lasted a few weeks, in the mean time I didn’t realise the my husband at the time was feeling rejected, I did on many occasions try to sleep in the bed but was afraid of disturbing him as he had work the following day, I would be able to sleep during the day.

    Over the few weeks whilst on the mend, my husband started to be distant but I put that due to our little butchers business not doing so well.

    I returned to work on a phase return and felt I started to achieve things whilst in work my husband starting to get more distant and started staying out late on weekends sometimes may not even come home till early hours, he said he was playing cards with his mates at Mark Chick house.

    When it came to our anniversary I had a card but nothing else and it wasn’t at all affectionate as any of the other anniversary cards I had previously. Then when it came nearer my husbands birthday he said he wanted to go away alone for the weekend and that would I mind looking after the shop, so I did, when he returned home I found women’s glasses in the car and asked who did he go away with but he said no one he went alone. I will never get to know the truth there at all.

    A few weeks later he told me that he feels our marriage is not working and best if he moves out, yes I was hurt but tried to ignore this and continued with being together, but by the weekend I could see he wasn’t really there and asked him to go.

    He left and told me he was staying up his mates Marks, later I found out he was staying with another women, so I send her a message to ask what’s going on she told me they were just friends and that she was giving him somewhere to stay so he could sort himself out.

    Kevin was calling to the house at times and checking to see if I was ok this was making things difficult for me and then I found that he was staying at this women’s house and told him never to see me again.

    Through the weeks to follow I had a break down with anxiety and stress and Kevin would call in to check on me, he then eventually came back, to try and make another go at our marriage he promised he wouldn’t go to the pub where the women was and would work on us being together.

    That lasted a few days before he said this is not working, all because he wanted to go to the pub. So I got dressed and went out myself and low and behold so did he, he went to the pub I had a row with him over the phone and told him good bye. He thought I was going to do something stupid and came looking for me.

    I found that he then was going towards this women’s house so I messaged him to say I’m on my way up and have this out with him and her right now.

    He told me he’s not up there and on his way to the shop to stay, so I told him I’m on my way to the shop.

    When I got there he told me never again its over between us and he will never let another women get this close to him again, eventually I went home, but before I did he asked for a cuddle then I went.

    The following day I said he could stay in the spare room until he finds somewhere to stay, for a while it was working fine, but then he took a birthday card to this women and also called in there a few days later.

    Because of this I told him to go get lost and never come back I chucked all his close at him and threw what ever else I could at him.

    He had the cheek to say look what I am leaving with its not much is it, I said well you’re the one who wanted to leave not me.

    I have had no contact at all with him and recently found his dads seriously ill in hospital and I was not told by him or the family which really hurt me badly, I want to see my father in law and mother in law as they are part of my family but I’m scared Kevin will be there with this women, I can deal with Kevin being there but not this women she has no right to be by my family’s side at this moment in time.

    I will go and see my father in law today in hospital just to see how he’s doing meeting my mother in law, and for my own sanity. at the end of the day my in laws have been in my life for a long time and i don;t want to let go of them too, why should i?

    ive tried to be friendly to me husband but he doesn;t seem interested at all this time round.

    so i will continue with the no contact let hm go his way and i go mine.

    but underneath i know i still love him as he was not whats hes become,but i know i have to let go of him forever now.


  63. Sue says:

    My husband of 27 years left me today – I am desolate. He met a women only a couple of years younger last year – he wanted us to be friends because he was such good friends with her. She has two younger children. I knew something was wrong at the beginning of the year but it took me until June to actually find evidence and then he denied it and said they were just good friends, I gave him the benefit of the doubt – this was my husband with whom I have shared everything I wanted to trust him completely. I found out a few weeks later that he was having an affair with her and had been for more then six months. He was sorry – we went to counselling and he said he wouldn’t respond to her emails (she always initiated). I found out yesterday he did respond to her and had been seeing her again. He says he is head over heels in love with her but he still loves me. I arranged for him to stay at another house and clear his head but he just spending more time with her. My marriage is over. What now? My grown up children are spending time with me but they don’t know what happens next. I am not sure how to carry on – keep breathing and one step at a time. I know I am strong and I will get through this but it is so very, very hard. I need to leave him alone but we have spent every day together for the last 28 years.

    • betrayed says:

      Hi Sue, your case is so similar to mine. My husband is having an affair with his coworker he denies it but when confroted with proof he just stays quiet. Said he loves me but is confused. I guess is hard for him after 29 years of marriage but he is spending all his time with her and nothing with me. When he comes home on the weekend (lives away close to work durong the week) all he does is watches TV exercises and text her. I can’t tell him to leave because I need his financial support, I work but with all the debt we both got I can’t pay the house by myself. I want a divorce but can’t afford it right now. I just hope this nightmare ends soon. I lost 30 lbs in 3 months and can’t sleep. My 3 grown children help me out but is still difficult. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away.

  64. Shattered says:

    Grieving Wife,

    oh do I know well how you feel, as I read your post I knew straight away that it was not a physical death your husband died.. for I too see the person I love infront of me but it is just the skin. The man I loved my soul mate, the man who would never leave me, protect me, give me a wonderful life had left that physical shell a long time ago..:((((((

  65. Greaving wife says:

    The man I knew and loved for almost twenty years died today. He was my best friend and accepted me faults and all. I shared every detail of myself with him and felt comfortable venting my daily frustrations. I loved him with all my heart and soul. Together we created the most beautiful and amazing child I have ever seen. We were happy for many years and survived numerous life challenges together. Without this love, I would not be the person I am today. No, it was not all rosses, but we were together through good times and bad. I knew I could always count on him to be by side. I wish I had told him more how deeply I felt and showed my true feelings, but I naively thought we would have forever for that.
    Somehow that man faded away………
    Although his physical body is here, the man inside that loved and cared for me no longer exist. I am left staring at an empty shell that tore my heart away with a cruel and vicious act of inhumanity. I know longer know who this man that stands before me is. I thought for awhile he would come back to me, but I am only haunted by the memories and tortured by the face that once was my one and only love. I must greave because this man has repeatedly shown me that he is no longer there.

    Fortunately for our amazing child, his father is still there. That love will never die. For my boy, I will be strong and make it through this sorrow. I will be haunted by the face with a smile. I could never bear to deny my child the love he deserves or bear to see him hurt. His father survives, but my husband left me some time ago while I was not looking. I cannot awake from his dream of happiness that does not include me.

  66. Fedya says:

    My husband left me after 25 years of marriage. He told me he had a project in Mexico because he could not find work here. On Christmas ee, he said he was coming home for the holidays. He then told me he has a girlfriend in Mexico,he was spending New Year’s Eve with her in New York, and left. He completely abandonned us. Bills, mortgage, I was not working at that time.
    In addition to having to deal with the loss of my husband to another woman, I had to deal with all the bills, out of work, and the children. I was completely destroyed,
    I am ex teacher and did know where to begin.
    I was strong enough to find a temporary job. A week ago I lost my job due to budget issues. Now i am losing my home, electricity, gas, unable to pay my bills no matter how hard I tried.
    I started crying because I felt helpless.
    Can’t even afford to go to visit my mother in Florida. I feel so alone and helpless.
    Is there any hope at all? I am lost.

  67. DIONNE says:

    Pray everything will be OK.

  68. Laurie says:

    Dear Julie,

    I answered you here:

    My Husband and My Best Friend Had an Affair – How Do I Cope?

    I hope it helps. Getting over your husband leaving you for another woman is never easy, but it’s somehow worse when he messes around with someone you knew and trusted. I’m sorry.


  69. julie says:

    My husband left me with 4 children ages 4,8,14 and 20.
    6 weeks after he left I found out he was reguarly travelling to Romania to see his 24 year old girl friend. Our eldest daughter was 20 at the time he was 40. I have no idea how long this had been going on for but he says not when he was with me.
    His family refused to speak to me and 6 months after leaving he took our eldest son who was 14 at the time away to live with him and turned him against me. His parents started babysitting our son so my husband could go and visit his 24 year old girl friend in Romania and bought him a 4 bedroomed house as well.
    At some point this relationship must have ended he stopped going to Romania but instead started a relationship with my supposed best friend, I stumbled upon them when I went to his house to diccuss the son he had taken away from me, my old friend locked herself in his bedroom and refused to speak to me.
    This best friend I had known since our eldest daughter was 5 years old, so about 15 years, she had been to all our children’s birthday parties, seen all our babies when newborn, been to our wedding and babysat a couple of times over night so my husband and I could have a break from the children and slept in our bed, I knew her parents well and we shared friends,she also met our families numerous times over the years. I also confided in her the year before he left.

    I find it almost impossible to move on, I still cry dispite being given 70% of everything and getting myself a job, and generally coping well with the children. I have few friends as I was a stay at home mum and put all my energies into the children and have no family nearby to help apart from my 20 year old daughter, life is lonely now.
    I saw the old friend in town today, she looked through me as if she never knew me, I was with my children, who thankfully never saw her.
    I have never known such emotional termoil and pain, I still feel totally and utterly betrayed by 2 people I totally trusted and all this and more happened nearly 3 years ago.

  70. Elizabeth says:

    My husband has worked in china for the past year. I did not go with him. I was to go with him this year. The plan was for him to come home for summer break; purchased my ticket and was ready to return with him. When he got home, I looked at his cell phone and found text messages where he told this woman how much he was going to miss her, how he wanted her body next to him and how beautiful she is. I confronted him and he said it was just a joke. Needless to say I did not believe what he said. I found out the person is a 26 year old chinese girl, he is 59, and I am 62. He said she was just a friend and he was helping her by paying her tuition to go to school. I could not believe what i read, or what i was hearing! We had a huge argument… He said he would not text her anymore and was sorry for hurting me. He would not make love to me and cringed whenever I tried to touch him. I asked what was wrong, but of course, I knew. The arguments got more and more heated, until one day, actually on our 15th anniversary, I asked him if he still loved me to which he answered “no”. I told him to get his things and get out. He seemed relieved and went to his daughter’s house. I thought we would calm down and he would come back home, but he refused. Two weeks passed, and 2 days before he was to return to china, he came back home. On his iPad, he had created a yahoo account where he was emailing her all during the day and night. He also called her repeatedly from his daughter’s home. I read where they were making plans to go on vacation when he returned.
    He told me that I would not return with him, and if I showed up at the airport he would change his flight.
    In one of the emails she said that when he returned they would make love over and over like before.
    He says he still loves me and does not want a divorce.
    Whenever I would call, he said I was just checking up on him… When i did call he was so cold and hostile….so I stopped calling I have not spoken with him in over a week.
    I am hurting so badly … But I know I will survive.
    I am seeing a divorce attorney on Wednesday.

  71. kate says:

    Its been 3 years for me my husband left me for another women after 27 years together its been the most difficult 3 years of my life i had to go to rehab twice for alcoholism but i have been sober for the last year and i never thought i would survive through it. I have never felt such pain in my life — but i did survive and now i can actually laugh and enjoy my own company its taken years of counceling and group therapy- but its not easy as I still miss him as crazy as it sounds- I am learning to be on my own and feel strong -it feels good so for any women going through this be strong and be kind to your self you deserve it

  72. keisha says:

    i got married last year in april,everything was fine until i fell pregnant with our first baby.he started comparing me with his ex gfs.telling me how much he stil want to marry his ex gf as his second wife,and telling me how the other one was cheating on him and he realy loved her bt she was cheating too much and he forgive her but still she didnt stop.and he thought he was going to marry her.after our baby was born i went at my parents house for maternity leave he stoped calling us just to check how the baby is doing.we had an argument about the baby and his mom get into it and took his side i was so down caz dey were shouting at me nd he was shaking my ears saying that i dnt listen.the argument was dat he wanted a baby to go to crech at 3mny\ths and i think it was to early since is winter it wont be easy for her to wake up early in the morning.then suddenly he stoped buying the baby anything and neva came to see us,when i had to return to work he called me nd said i must come and fetch my staff and go caz he moved on with his life.i went and fetch my staff and he was even assisting me to pack i was so still hard for me to move on but i hope GOD will help me to heal and be we just pass each other in mall like strangers no greetings it hurts me a lot caz he is not supporting the baby even his parents are not corncern that he support.but he was the one forcing me to have a baby and i was a fool to allow that but there is nothing i can do caz a baby is a gift from god and im happy i got my little gal in my life.

  73. Sally says:

    We had been together for 7 years. He broke it off with me. I hadn’t even had time to think of practical realities like moving out when I arrived home from work to find my clothes shoved aside and another woman’s clothes hanging next to mine in the en suite. 15 big, plastic crates of her clothes were shoved into the en suite. Her wardrobe had been shoved in as well. Her set of drawers was in the bedroom. Her books were in the office. Her stuff was everywhere around the house except in the small, spare bedroom at the top of the house. It’s to that bedroom I retreated.

    I refused to leave the house. For 5 months, I got up early, left for work early, sat in my car in the park on the way home and deliberately got home late so I wouldn’t have to see him. His new woman didn’t move into the house. Only her junk did, and she certainly had a lot of junk.

    A week after my clothes had been shoved aside so she could hang hers in the en suite, I arrived home to find literally a truck-load of her junk. Crates, boxes, bags, containers of every description, a large wooden cabinet, not much furniture but about 5 cubic metres of her clothes, make-up, ornaments, shoes, the works had been moved into the garage while I was at work.

    5 months went by and I stood my ground. However, there came the day when I was talking on the phone to a supportive girlfriend and he arrived “home” unexpectedly. He barged into “my” room, shouted at me that his blood pressure was up and that I would have to settle immediately. He also threatened and bullied me. That was it – I had taken enough.

    The next day, I went back to the house, collected a change of clothes and my dog, and I left with nowhere to go to. Over the next 6 weeks, I slept in my car or stayed with friends. I stayed at a motorcamp for 3 weeks until I was told to go. It was then that I hired the caravan.

    I had a caravan towed to a remote campsite. I was to live in that caravan for the next 7 months. About all I can say about that period in my life is that at least I survived it.

    The caravan park was in a beautiful location. Under different circumstances, I would have loved to stay there but for 7 months, during winter, having to walk 150 steps to get to the toilet, having no easy way to cook, having no telephone or cellphone or internet access, I lived alone in virtually total isolation, trapped in that tiny caravan in the caravan park while the new woman had moved into my house and was using my possessions.

    I can type one positive thing here. I’m a size 8. She’s size 22. At least, being as big is she is, she couldn’t fit into my clothes. At least my clothes were safe. Unfortunately, nothing else of mine was. She ate off my plates, cooked in my pots, sat on my chairs, slept in the bed I paid half for, lived in my house and with my man while I lived with only just enough clothes, nowhere near enough food, next to no shelter and next to no money as a lawyer had advised me to continue paying the bills at the house. I was, in effect, subsidising the two of them.

    By the end of 7 months, I was even thinner than usual and I was on the verge of something called detachment. Thankfully, I didn’t detach for good but I came awfully close to it. A loyal friend provided money to put a deposit on a place which is how I came to be living in the most scungy, smelly, damp, horrible house in the roughest of neighbourhoods (and all the while, the new woman, now known as Podge, was living in luxury in the beautiful house he and I had built).

    2 years have gone by during which time I have used my building skills to renovate this house. It’s no longer scungy or smelly. I’ve dug a massive drain so the house isn’t damp anymore. I’ve rebuilt walls, ripped out mouldy wallboard, taken the kitchen apart, plastered, sanded, painted, hammered, nailed, sawed, dug, hacked, mowed and at last, my do-er upper project is looking rather nice if I do say so myself.

    During the 3 years since he cheated on me, dumped me and shifted his fat tart into the house we used to own together, they’ve been out every single day of the week and away ever weekend. They’ve been on overseas trips and have generally lived the high life.

    By comparison, I’ve lived rough, very rough indeed. Not only have I lived without essentials like a stove, a fridge or a washing machine, I’ve also lived amongst the criminals a low-lifes that used to live in this area.

    But my story has some positives to it. I’ve stood up for myself against the thugs and bums around here and have generated a bit of respect for myself. I’ve joined forces with other “aunties” to stand up to the scumbags. There really aren’t any around here now. They’ve gone because I and other like minded people have made it very difficult indeed for them to live here. This area has become a rather nice place in which to live. I’ve made good friend here and am happy to be living here in my now renovated little house.

    I wish I could say that I met a handsome prince and rode off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Unfortunately, I can’t say that but I can say that I now have absolute confidence in my own ability to survive no matter what I come up against. If perchance you know what happens in the future, so??!!! I’ll survive it. I have no fear of being alone or of my own ability to do whatever is necessary to make it.

    Meanwhile, gossip spreads like wildfire. I’ve certainly heard some about the ex-person and his new woman. He’s not a well man anymore, either physically or mentally. She who wanted him (and our house and his money) so desperately is now stuck with a physically and mentally sick man while I’m freeeeeeee. Do I laugh about that? Well, yes, I have to be honest. I do laugh, hysterically, every time I think of it, which is often. It could well be that Karma has come to get both of them.

    I hope in writing my sad story that I will provide hope for those women trapped in relationships with husbands who are cheating on them. Leaving is very difficult indeed. Going through a settlement with associated laywers and legal costs is horrible and ghastly. Making it alone isn’t easy, BUT, years later, you’ll be a stronger person for it.

    And the very best bit is that he cheated on me to be with her, she cheated on her man to be with him, they married an indecently short time after they dumped their former partners and now they’re stuck with each other, a couple of cheats together. I can sit here typing and laughing to myself that they probably find it hard to trust each other – afterall, they’re both proven cheats and the old saying is that if you can do it with him / her, you can do it against him / her. I laugh to think of them thinking about each other and wondering how long it will be until they cheat on each other.

    To all those woman putting up with unhappy relationships for fear of leaving, I hope my story inspires you to do what you know is right. If leaving is what you decide to do, it won’t be easy, it will leave you vastly poorer, you will suffer for it but in the end, believe me, you’ll be a vastly better person for everything you’ve been through AND you’ll have your freedom.


  74. Jennifer says:

    It’s been 8 months after a 15 yr marriage and this is the 3rd time my husband has left. The hardest part is letting go when he says I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to him but because I was with another man the last time he left me (for some other woman) he can’t get over that I was with another man so he had to leave. I have fought for him for 15 yrs and after everything I’ve done and fought for I feel like an idiot for not letting go of someone that has hurt me over and over again!

  75. t says:

    check out and join the divorce groups. You can post to the forums and people will respond to your questions and comments

  76. Mayi says:

    Hi ladies,

    Sorry about my unfinished comments… I accidentally press the submit comment button…
    When your husband realized that your not clinging on his back anymore… It will give him something to think about you…
    Don’t beg him or sweet talk him or promised him that you will accept his dallying as long as he stay with you…. Those actions will make him move and drift farther and farther away from you….

  77. Mayi says:

    Dear Ladies,

    Reading all your letters makes me realized that men’s behavior when it comes to cheating and lying has all the same pattern, whether he lives in europe, in the US or in Asia. Can’t you see that they are a real fakers, an actor in the sense of the word…as we long as we don’t caught them, they will play the role of a loving husband… Now, asked yourself this, do I like to live with someone who is a two faced asshole? Do you want to police him or snoop around evrytime he’s away from you, bec you did not trust him? No one in this whole world can change his mind when he’s in the euphoric stage of his dilly dallying, not his parent, not his children, not his friends and most especially not you, his wife…
    When he leave you, don’t go after him, it will make him wanting to move farther away from you…
    First, grieve, cry as if no tomorrow, cry and wail out to the Lord, talk to Him about the emptiness in your heart, the hole he left in you… Ask Jesus to fill it up and make you strong, after the good hard cry it will lessen your pain and you can think a better perspective in life ( when the feeling emptiness comes back again after a day or two, just repeat the process of crying and benting out to Him). The crying and the wailing will be lessen as the days goes and you begin to pick up the pieces.
    Then you realized your children loves you, your parent loves you, your friends love you… That it’s his loss and not yours….
    Second, leave the four corners of your bedroom and meet and talk to your friends….just don’t mind him. Don’t call him, not even mention his name…. When he, your husband realized that you gave him freedom, that your not clinging in his back….

    Second, remove all his things or sold it or burn it if you want

  78. olga says:

    None of my stories are as heart felt and raw as the above posts, but they could one day be. I am afraid to admit that I have had some “sognd” of infedelity already, but i have. I am not an idiot, and i have researched and checkd and all that stuff. Fact is, I love the guy, and i am with him. There have been times, not alot, but recently where he was very unloving, no kissing, ec… and it stopped, but I am not his wofe, and we just live together. we have no kids and we are not spring chickens. I i dont know what to make of this yet, except the feeling that i will be one of hese women one day. I take strength from these stories, and it encourages me to go make something of myself for when the time comes, i will lose my beart but not my head.

  79. Monyka says:

    Hello Ladies,

    I’ve read majority of the questions here and comments, and in all of them I see the same statements and questions. I myself was just left by my ex BF he’s been lying to me and seeing another woman the whole time. But I must share this with all the ladies here. I am RELIVED that I finally know the truth, cause I was listening to my heart and not my gut. You’re gut will never steer you wrong, my heart was listening to my exs lies and excuses for his actions. When in the end it was all on him, if you give 100% in anything you cannot go wrong, there are no regrets. Why? Cause you tried and in the end that’s all that matters. If God can ask for that and be satisfied. Who are these so called Men to demand more.
    And Ladies these are little boys not men, a real man is honest and stands his ground. He tells the truth cause it is the light. Rather the truth than a lie I figure. We all deserve better, and God removes these little boys out of our life. To receive real men. And real blessings. Keep ur heads up:))

  80. Laurie says:

    I’m really sorry your husband left – what a betrayal. My friend’s husband just left her a few weeks ago, and she’s still in shock and so much pain. It’s like a bucket of cold water thrown in your face, and it takes months and even years to recover.

    I wish I could respond to your comments and questions, but I can’t offer personal advice! I don’t know your relationship or personality, and don’t want to offer the wrong advice.

    But, I did write this article to give everyone more general tips and suggestions for when your husband leaves you for another woman:

    When You Don’t Want to Break Up – But He Does


  81. Tammy says:

    I was just dumped for another woman. My 8 year relationship in which we lived togatgher only about 1/2 the time, and 200 miles apart the other half has just ended because he fell for someone who is there while i am not. Back in February I found out about her. I quit my job March 1st, and went there to try to save my relationship, 3 1/2 months later i realized that no matter how hard I try he wanted to be with her. I lost the battle of the other woman.

    It has been 5 weeks now, and it hurts less, but i cant stop hopeing (wishing) that he’ll “realize he made a mistake” I cant stop believing that he loves me still, even though he is living with her. He told me today, “I love her”, he told me yesterday, I love you but Im not in love with you. Two days ago he told me he doesnt know how he feels or if he is in love with her.

    I have decided that I need to cut off contact with him for my own sanity, I just dont know how. I will just wait for him to call, and he will, I wish I could find someone else, but no one else can take his place. Help me it hurts soooo much.

  82. Dbbie says:

    Hi my name is Debbie
    My husband left me after 28 1/2 years of marriage. For a so called friend of mine. He told me April 1st 2012. I lost 23 lbs which I am grateful for. I had a very bad April and May, but started pulling out of it some in June. What I am looking in site from everyone is, 2 things.
    1. He has called me 3 times to tell me she (Patty, other woman), that she has crushed him and that she is going back to her husband. Why does he tell me this? He’ll also say “I thought she was the one”
    2. Why does he treat me like I was the one that cheated, he wont answer my calls, and he avoids me. I have been the loyal wife to the cop for a life time and longer.
    Any one have any comments would help me to understand would be great.

  83. Marie says:

    He wasn’t snuggling with me anymore or kissing me when we were intimate. My husband left me first thing one morning after I softly asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to go to couples therapy. You see, he claimed he was stressed at work, distant due due to work responsibilities and the craziness of his job… Oh, there were the tell tale signs prior to that. Changes in the bedroom, lack of kisses on New Year’s Eve, lack of kisses, cell phone going in the bathroom with him, heightened anger at my questions, etc. He just kept saying that it was work. Turns out it wasn’t. We have three children (all under 10). I can’t believe that this has happened. I want the life the I that I had…I want to believe the lies. I am afraid that no one will ever love me again. I don’t want to be alone. At the same time, I fully recognize that I don’t want to be with someone who cheats. The quality of life is far below anything that I could have pictured. The constant questioning of myself, of him, of everything. It is exhausting. It is not worth the energy that it pulls from me or my children. And yet I am still drawn in. I feel like I am such a mess. I wish that I could fast forward this moment. Please tell me that I will be happy one day. It feels like I can’t breath, I can’t eat. I have lost 20 pounds in 3 months. I feel like one of the walking dead except I can feel the pain. He still keeps denying that there is anyone else. It is all my fault the marriage became crappy. It is all my fault that he does not want to be together. What about him? When does he grow up? Please someone… help.

  84. Anon says:

    I myself have been left for another woman! It’s been ten weeks now since my partner of 7 years left the family home, we have two sons aged five and ten months, he first left saying that he was no longer in love with me and that he thought we had grown apart and said he thinks that we’re just parents!! I knew there must have been someone else involved so I demanded to see his mobile phone bill before he left and he refused so I had no option but to let him go, he kept telling me he wanted his feelings to change for me and that he didn’t want anyone else or had anyone. He said this continuously for five weeks, I kept thinking he must be depressed ect, so 5 weeks ago I then find out he had actually been having a nine month affair behind my back and more devastating is that this started towards the end of my pregnancy, it kills me knowing that he watched me give birth and all the while he decided to become a couple with her, he took her away on holiday when he told me he was working away! How he could watch other kids play in a pool is beyond me, he still sees the kids and is a great father but the anger in me for him leaving us is tremendous, the sad thing is that I want him back, in all the ten weeks he has never once tried to explain all he keeps saying is I don’t know why this happend and says he doesn’t know if hes made the right choice, I to feel rejected, unloved and down right angry! The look on my sons face when he told him he was leaving the family home will haunt me for the rest of my life, I can’t seem to move on either.

  85. Ana says:

    My husband and I are in a unit that trvels to central america. When we got tasked to this unit I was excited for both of us. We’d b traveling to decent countries instead of Afghanistan. His first trip was to Honduras from 22 Jan to 20 Feb 2012. Before he left I thought we were doing great. I thought we were happy. He kept hugging me and telling me that we had to remain strong in our marriage. I thought we were still in love. I trusted him. I was not even remotely worried that he would stray. The day he got back I knew right away something wasn’t right. From that moment on it became constant fighting. I became so insecure because I could sense that he was pulling away. He was being distant and disrespectful. On top of that he was getting easily agitated w me and our 2 kids as if we were the ones that were measing up. I asked him numerous times if he’d cheated and he’d say no. I even asked him for a divorce at one point and he would start crying and saying he felt terrible for behaving the he had. He would say he still loved me and we couldnt throw away 8 yrs of marriage. We even celebrated our 8 yr anniversary in April and he pulled out all the stops. Fancy restaurant, roses.. everything.I had to leave for training at the end of April through mid June. In May I had to check his email for something and decided to dig around. Sure enough I found an email from him to her of a half naked pic of himself. I did not cry for those first 24 hours. I must have been in shock. The next day when I was able to speak to him it hit me. I cried non stop for hours. He didnt even say he was sorry. He didnt try to repair the marriage. I told him I’d want a divorce and he just accepted it. He said he’d f*d up and that he didnt deserve me. Then he would say that he would always love me. Later, he told me he’d stopped loving me a long time ago. He still speaks to her. Turns out she is very possibly pregnant which is an even bigger jab to my heart because I’d been wanting another child for the last 2 yrs but he didnt want to and was so careful to make sure we didnt. I cant stop hurting. I cant help but wonder why. I’m sure I keep asking myself all the same questions every woman does. Why?! Why trail me along if you stopped loving me?! Why continue to tell me you loved me if you didn’t? Why do you cry as if you care but yet you choose to put her before me? How is it that the last 8 yrs that I gave to you mean absolutely nothing?! What is so terrible about me that I wasnt enough?!
    I miss the man I thought he was. I miss what we had, but I hate him for what he’s done to me and our kids.
    I dont know how I’m supposed to get past this. I have no self-esteem or self-worth because of this. Everyone keeps telling me that Im beautiful and I will find someone. But obviously beauty isnt everything or else he wouldnt be leaving me.

  86. Laurie says:

    I can’t say anything to make the pain go away, but I wanted to say I’m sorry that your husband left you for another woman. It’s such a difficult thing to get over, and it must feel like you’ll never be happy again.

    But you will! You WILL grieve and heal and find a new man to love…and you may even be glad that your husband left.

  87. Amy says:

    I have only been married going on 3 years but I thought I found my soul mate. My husband is younger than I and it took me a while to get over our age gap. But we fell in love and were married a year later. Six months later we had my son. My first child his 4th. Oct 2011 was devastating to me. My son turned one on the 4th we had his party on the 8th and my husband moved in with his “friend” from work on the 12th. A female friend that was supposed to be telling him to save his marriage. Someone I found out later shared over 300 text daily with him for about 4 months. I have no clue if they are actually a couple but her facebook page says they are while he claims it is only to upset her ex. I am hurt that he just walked out without any notice he was unhappy. He doesn’t ask or want to see his son who will be 2 in October. I feel like I am sinking in a black hole and cant figure out how to stop loving him and let go. I cry myself to sleep every night and have since last October. I still love my husband but I have no chance of our marriage ever being good again. I lost my husband, lover and my best friend. I am doing my best with my son but breaks my heart that he doesn’t wish to help raise him. Being alone hurts struggling to take care of my baby alone is overwhelming not sure I can pull out of this depression.

  88. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thank you for sharing about your husband and your relationships here. I really wish I knew what to say, or how to help you heal when your husband leaves you for another woman. It’s such a heartbreaking betrayal, and the feelings of pain, shock, and confusion take a long time to go away.

    My heart goes out to you – I hope it helps to know you’re not alone.

  89. Mary says:

    I am so hurt and distraught. My stomache turns every day and I cannot eat. My situation is a little different, but it feels the same. Together for six years. He had joint custody of his daugther, but one day three years ago things got too complicated for her with her mom and she wanted to live with her dad. I, we, took her in. That is where the problems began. I tried to make her feel so at home, as a friend. I even paid 10K to help my boyfriend at the time, get full custody. She has disrespected me in so many ways and so many times and daddy just sugar coats everything. He has been disrespecting me in turn by siding with her, cursing me, fighting with me. She is a manipulative child and knows that she has daddy wrapped, she is 17 now. Things got out of control here at home in December and asked for a separation in January. We began talking and agreed to counseling which had been helping so I thought. Mind you in the mean time, he is constantly upset that we are not together and I reassured him that we were working on it. We spoke and starting making plans to possibly move back soon. His wonderful innocent daughter has threathened him with she will run away and never see her again. He has always been AFRAID of his daughter. Another thing to keep in mind is that my husband of only two years and I get along great, until a conversation comes up about his daughter. He defends defends defends. and because he is so afraid of his daughter leaving, we cannot be together and have a happy home together. Two weeks ago, he comes to me and said he is feeling rotten for what he is thinking – My daughter or my wife???? Why the choice, why the thoughts? Need I say more. This HURTS SO SO BAD. I failed to include in this writing I have two girls of my own, 11 and 12, who adored their step dad. WE ARE ALL SO HURT.

  90. Samantha says:

    My husband had cheated a few times before, but I kept stupidly forgiving him. Finally, last month I called him out on his latest affair when he stayed out overnight and came home wearing different clothes. I’ve been gone a month, and he already has a Facebook page up with the two of them, but denies they are in a relationship. While I’m still mourning what I thought I had, I’ve realized how much better off I am. He is a compulsive liar and cheat who is going nowhere in life, while at 27 I have plenty of time to get the life I deserve. In the end, I am so much better off without him! Men that cheat should not be grieved.

  91. Holly says:

    I know what it’s like. I have been married for 6 years, actually living together for 12. My husband works out of town alot. We were young when we met. We have two kids. He has cheated on me over and over again. He only slept with two of them though (supposedly). Yesterday he told me he had fallen in love with one of the sluts sister. I have barely cried. I cried so much the last time. I feel so angry. He has been out of town for months. A little more than six to be exact. Things have never been great with us for very long. He wants a divorce, but what’s funny is what scares me the most is that he won’t go through with it, and I will be forced to be with someone that cheats on me and then comes back saying I love you. It’s happened so much. This is my typical conversation.. (my side only) I asked him over and over, “How can you do this? What’s wrong with you? Why when I asked you to come home you wouldn’t? Why are you there for her and her kids? I wanted to be with you. We fight all the time because you are gone. I know we are different, but we could make it work. Don’t you remember when we met? Don’t you remember how right it felt? When you are home you complain because you don’t have enough money for tools and welders. Beans and rice would have been fine to keep us together, but you have to have it all. You lie and say you are doing it for us! I would’ve homeschooled the kids and traveled the world if that’s what it took! Stop telling me you are trying?! How is this trying. Oh you didn’t sleep with her yet.. You told me first.. You made sure that this time I found out before you did anything. It doesn’t matter whether you screwed her or not. You were in her house you were with her kids.. You ruined my life. What’s wrong with you, why are you so stupid!!?? You are so stuipid!!” Just a note: as I was writing this message I broke out with hives on my legs mostly around my ankles.. The other day my hair was falling out, but that was before he dropped the bomb yesterday. I know that I would probably be better off without him, but this has been my life for 12 years. I would rather live in a shitty marriage than a single mom. Even the fighting gave me something to look forward to. It is late and I am tired. I need to put a washrag on my legs before the hives spread any further.. I pray for every woman who has been hurt in this way to find strength. I pray that we get smarter. I pray that we don’t give up on love, and still keep as much purity as possible. We will be stronger and happier in the end.

  92. kassie john says:

    my husband left me for a woman that he dated before we got together through out my entire relationship with him his mother never liked me she talked crap about me to him all the time but she just loved that other girl matt loved me he still loves me but i believe the reason he left is because of his mother because the day that it happened his mom told him that he should really text debra (the x) and he kept telling her no i dont like her shes worhless and im happy with kassie but his mom wouldnt give in so he said ok but he never did so his mom gave matts number to debra and she started texting him saying i miss you i wish we were still together and for a little while he was laying next to me texting her and i read his messages he was being mean to her but she wouldnt give in either and he went outside for the longest time and i asked him what was wrong and he said i just want my mom i said ok thats fine go see your mom and he said i might stay there for a couple days and i said ok thats fine and then i asked him do you still have feelings for debra he got pissed off and said no so i said ok well later that day while we were in town cause my grandmother is in the hospital he was being very distant so i asked him again whats wrong and he wouldnt talk to me so of course i start crying and i prayed for the lord to help me through this so when i went back over there i said what is wrong and he said you know when you asked me at the house if i still had feelings for debra and i said yea and he said well i do i started crying my eyes out and he said please dont be sad im not telling you this to break your heart im telling you this to spare you anymore heartache with me because you deserve so much better than me you deserve someone who will treat you right talk to you right and give you the attention that you need then he hugged me for the last time and said i love you kassie always have and always will but my hearts not in it i was shocked couldnt say anything except well are you going to leave and he said yea i said when and he said right now im walking there so i said ok i still love you and he turned around and said i love you to and i have not heard one word from him since and this happened yesterday :’-(

  93. Becky B. says:

    I have been.married 33+years to the same man we have 8children I have mostly been a mother wife friend yet my husband said he hasn’t LOVED me for years and is not in love sorghum me. He has been cheating for 6 years his last whore is retarded and he treats her as if she is the innocent one protecting her . He is back here with me yet he says he never stopped loving me he says now he NEVER LOVED HER OR ANY OF HIS WHORES he says they weren’t worth anything if that’s true then why did he treat them like they were his wife and treated me like his whore? I love/ hate him. I’d like to see her and him with their and noses chopped off for adultery. Yes Iam native Cherokee SO maybe that has something to do with what I told him if he cheats again he better make sure its the best sex of his life cause it will be the last sex he EVER has. I will chop his penis off and put it in a jar labeled mine. Satisfaction? Revenge? No just plain common sense if its mine IT’S ALWAYS GONNA BE MINE I LIVE FOR KEEPS. : )

  94. Nemo says:

    My husband moved straight out into another women’s house in February. I have only just started to get over the shock that someone can do this to someone they supposedly love. Fortunately I have had the most supportive and caring family and friends and even work colleagues that have helped me sooo much!! I have taken just 1 day off sick and no holidays and find keeping busy the best way of coping. Have a holiday book in 4 weeks time with family so have that to look forward too now :) keep going, try keep to normal routines and stay strong! X

  95. Tana says:

    my husband just left me 3 days ago said he had been talking to another women and he said he did not have feelings for me no more. But the women he was talking to the first time she met him she told him if you werent married i would take you home.. Then now i find out they had been talking and carrying on a secret relationship for at least the last couple months but i think longer cause we have been fighting alot since he was never home and i was trying to fight for his attention and while i was doin that he was giving his attention to someone else. we have a 10 year old daughter together and when is the right time to tell her about the other women?
    Thank you

  96. still standing says:

    my got married much against my parents wishes at 21 and after a year my husband left me..few weeks after that i realized i was pregnant n i went for an husband accused me of killing our first baby and is heartbroken..suddenly the entire blame came on me. anyways i didn’t listen to anything and I’ve started college for a better future.

  97. Laurie says:

    Dear Gail and every wife who wrote in here,

    I’m sorry I can’t respond to you personally! I wish I could – I wish I had the answers and words of comfort – but I don’t.

    I did write this article, based on Gail’s comments. It’s for every woman who is trying to survive when her husband leaves her for another woman:

    Healing the Pain When Your Husband Has Been Unfaithful

    I hope it helps, and encourage you to keep sharing your experiences. The more you talk about it, the better you’ll feel (to a certain point! Then it’s time to stop talking about your husband leaving you, and move on to a new, healthy, happy stage of life).


  98. Gail says:

    I can’t understand how this happened. My husband is working for a company that employs contractors to work in Iraq and other countries. Well, I have supported my husband leaving to make better money. Well, he came home for a visit on April 17th. I picked him up at the airport when we got home we had our special moment. He told me how much he missed me and how much he loved me, that’s how has been. But on Friday my world feel apart. I was just to go to work, but I had to make a phone call. I couldn’t locate my phone, so I grab his phone, but when I opened it there was a message telling this person “hope all is well, I love you will call soon” So, I confronted him asked him if he was in love with another women. He replied “I don’t know what you are talking about” I then showed him I had his phone. He got silent I pleaded with him asking him to be honest with me. So he did he stated he gave is heart to another and he is falling in love with her. My world came crashing down. He has been with her since January and yet he sent me letters telling how much he loved me, sent poetry sent me flowers. I had been waiting a long time for him to return home, just to have him tell me goodbye. I am hurting so badly I just can’t believe he would do this to me. He made love to me all week and yet he tells another he loves her. How am I to go on. Why did this happen? He keeps telling me he still loves me but not enough to stay. But he doesn’t want to me divorce him right away. I really don’t want the divorce, but I know it must be done. I need help I can’t stop crying, I started crying on Friday and still going. I hope and pray I can bring myself to go to work on Monday, well I have to be. Any advise on how to cope.

  99. Regina says:

    I don’t even know where to begin. I have stayed with my husband through so very much, but I woke up yesterday thinking I was the gross one for turning my head to all the abuse and constant cheating. He is signed up for every sex site there is but will not give me and our child a dime to live on. I recently lost my job and he is out of town working rubbing my face in how he is living good while we are left to try to survive. I feel so betrayed and alone. He is my husband I supported him for years through all of his crap. How can he sleep laughing at me while im down?

  100. kris says:

    This all makes me so sad. am going through the same crap. My husband of 14 years suddenly asked for a divorce and shortly after I discovered he was involved with someone else – another married woman of course. Everyone told me he would regret it and they would break up but it’s been a year and they are still together. To cope with the pain of his complete betrayal I have read every blog, forum and article related to infidelity that exists. And I can certainly say cheaters are nothing but SELFISH immature and screwed up assholes for what they put their FAITHFUL spouses through and I hate them all!!

  101. Laura says:

    I eel really devasted..I had been married for 19 years, husband left me for a another old flame he thought he would reunite with, after several months, he asked me for a divorce, I acepted, we have been seperated for almost a year and divorced for 4 months…It has been a real struggle for me because I thought we were supposed to work it out, I had a vision of being married happily until we would get old and watch our grandchildren grow. Well his relationship did not work, he was dating for a while and now it seems that he has a girlfriend. I feel even worse..although I am trying to let go and forget him, it has been so hard especially now that he has someone else that seems to be serious about, so serious in fact that he stopped calling or seeing our daughters..they feel so betrayed and I am left asking how can GOD permit this? Why do I , why do my children have to suffer because of his actions? I fee so depressed and looking at the same time how to really give up, let go and know that he is never comming back, ever?

  102. Kathy Barradell says:

    I kicked my husband out of the house two weeks ago, we’ve been together for 20 yrs and married for the past 11, with two sons, 18 and 16. He’s been having an affair with a younger woman at work for the past eight months, which he has constantly denied, despite all the signs pointing towards the obvious. In hindsight, I wish I’d given him the boot then. I believe he is a psychopathic narcissist, serial cheat, pathalogical liar, gambler and downright general b*****d. Told him NYE I wanted a divorce and he acted like it was a joke. I discover through phone records he has been in regular contact with a local ‘friend’ as well, who it seems, he has been fooling around with for 1.5 yrs. WTF? Work skank leaves at Easter, but where does hubby go when I show him the door? That’s right, straight into local ‘friends’ arms, after telling me he wasn’t moving in with anyone. Once a cheat, always a cheat. He can’t look after himself, so needs someone to be his regular piece of meat, but he won’t stay faithful to her either. If there are any women out there who have partners who think it is ok to constantly chat up other women, even when you’re standing right next to him, get rid of him now. Don’t leave it ’til it’s too late, like I did. Trust you’re instincts girls, they’re never wrong. I knew my husband was a sleaze before I got with him, why I hooked up with him is beyond me, I’m an idiot. My health is suffering, I’ve lost 17 kgs through illness and stress, but I will not let my husbands’ infidelities get the better of me. There are some men out there who will never be happy with just one woman, like my husband. I’m determined to prove to him that it’s his loss, (and it will be financially too)and even though things have been an emotional rollercoaster, I’ll found my place in life as a better, stronger person. To plagiarise a line, WHAT DOESN’T KILL YOU, MAKES YOU STRONGER. Good luck, chin up, and a happy future to all.

  103. roxy says:

    Feel so upset this morning. My husband went for a night out with the boys. When I went to fetch him he was flirting with another woman. I just feel so cheated although he hasn’t cheated.

  104. BitterSweet says:

    We were married for 13 years. His family came first AFTER we were married. He left, got his own place but, we stayed together just in different places. We got into an argument, got hot headed with one another and filed for divorce. Before the six months was over, we tried to stop the divorce but the judge let it go through. Anyway, we stayed together but still in separate places. Eventually, he started fooling around. He was sloppy about it. Our son saw a text from the girl he was seeing. She was our daughters age, like 28. Eventually, he stopped sexing me altogether but kept saying everything was alright, just let it happen, shit like that. Well, she wasn’t the only one. He was mentally and verbally abusive to me out of the blue. I figured he was trying to make me leave him. I’d ask him, what’s wrong, would you like an open relationship instead, or just gave him the opportunity to just talk to me, but he wouldn’t. He would just say everything is alright but steadily dropping awful verbal jabs, “oh, this is my lady friend”. I’d be like, what? Out of the blue he would just flip his whole attitude on me. One minute we’d be fine, the next, he’d be yelling at me for nothing. So, finally left, blaming everything on me when he knew he was seeing someone all along. Our children don’t speak with him. Now, he blames that on me too. He acts like he hates me, won’t speak to me and all that. Thought we could be friends, but he wants to control that too. So, finally, I accept the fact that he left, I know in my heart I did nothing wrong. I pray, pray, pray and know I wouldn’t be where I am mentally if it weren’t for that. Now, I feel, hell, let him go. Tigers don’t change their stripes. It’s always good in the beginning of any relationship, everyone’s on their best behavior. But the real you comes out eventually. God doesn’t want me unhappy. When the time is right, he’ll send someone for me. Bittersweet, because I’m happy the abuse is finally over and I’m really free of all the bull he put me through. I’m a little lonely, but I’ll deal with that instead of him.

  105. Tracey says:

    My partner cheated on me. Anyway, the point I wanted to make is, that men love being fought over. And the miserable you are the happier they are.EGO. Because women are emotional and become emotionally attached faster than a man. When children are involved it becomes extremely harder. When they see you sad they know that they still have you.EMOTIONAL CONTROL. They believe that no-one else will ever make you that happy or ever again. Maybe this is a little true but happiness is found in new experiences if you let it.
    Don’t stay home behind closed doors. Dress to impress even if it’s for nothing. When you see him out and about, hold your head high and smile and laugh. Remember your children deserve a happy life, your unhappiness is affecting them too!! If he rings, answer but be short and DON’T moan, cry and talk about the children. Just say everything is fine but you have to go, HANG UP! Think of positive things that you have been wanting to do but weren’t or couldn’t do, DO THEM. Go out on the town with friends. Try your hardest not to talk about HIM. If you see him, do not linger or watch him. Laugh and dance your way to your friends and say that you need to go. He will stop you, they can’t help it, EGO, say hello and that you’ve had enough of this place and wish a him good night then GO. He will be left standing there THINKING! which he will HATE! These things will eat him up inside. He will either try his hardest to come back or publicly ridicule you. Whichever way he goes, prepare yourself. Your emotions will make you do or say things but Breathe and remain calm so you can allow Logic to step in. Your whole world has been traumatized by his selfishness so a little logic is required.
    If you choose to take him back, make sure you are mentally, emotionally and physically strong enough first, for those slip ups that could occur. Make it on your terms and be firm about this. Do not make him feel lesser of a man in the relationship but make sure he knows where you stand on the matter.
    If he does leave with her so as not to return, think about the fact that his relationship was built on a LIE. And if he can do it to you, what makes her so sure that he wont do it to her?(I’m guessing he is still visiting for a bit of nookie and that’s sort of a payback to her and a way to let her know that you still got him.) But WHO really is the lucky one out of this?
    Just a few things to do and think about. I hope that in whatever decision you make, you ACHIEVE the HAPPINESS that YOU so DESERVE!

  106. Rebecca says:

    I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We are both 27 and he is my best friend. We married at 18, but have no children and have two dogs together- that we love dearly. He is a soldier and we have spent several years apart due to deployments, and he has brought war home. WIthin the last year our lives have changed drastically as moved to Texas, bought our first house and settled into him going to school and my new job. Things were going great, and then everything as taken away from him when his medical issues led him to be put on medical hold. Within weeks he had no purpose, pushed himself away from family and friends and started spending money like crazy. By Christmas 2011 he was extremely depressed, then out of nowhere he was going out with his friends camping. Well a week later, come to find out, his friend was actually a girlfriend. I found out on January 2nd, our 9 year anniversary and when he went to “sleep on a friend’s couch” he actually slept with her. Something I never thought we would be facing, is now my reoccuring nightmare. It has been almost three months and he continues to see his mistress. A few weeks into the affair she found out that he was still telling me he loved me and she told him to divorce me and return to her. Well instead, now I am the other woman. He comes to see me everything she is at work, calling me, telling he how much he loves me and how he also loves her, and all this stuff. My family and friends think I am crazy for not running in the other direction. For now we are just taking it one day at a time, we aren’t working on things- obviously, because we agree working on things doesn’t mean having a third person in your marriage. I am going to individual counseling and reading any book on affairs that I can. I feel ridiculed by my loved ones for following my heart and hoping for a reconciliation. I don’t know how this will turn out, but for now I am staying true to myself and trying to fight for my marriage– or atleast say that I am not ready to close the door on a chance of a future together, and neither of us are ready to file for divorce. I am glad I am not the only one going through this living hell, that sounds weird. I just feel unique because my husband is conituing his affair, not hiding it, but not stopping it either. I wish I were one of those women who found out after the affair or whose husband stopped the affair as soon as they found out.

  107. michelle says:

    two years ago, i thought my husband and i were happy we have 2 children and 2 grandchildren, at the time we were going on 19 annivasrry, in october something bad happen to our granddaughter hailey, she ended up dying in my arms and the doctors brought back to life several times that night, she slip in accoma and i was helping my son coping with all this and my husband wasn’t, my grandson was taking away and im still fighting for my grandson, my husband said he needs a lawyer which i went out and got, he said he didn’t want to fight for our grandson, he was out drinking with his niece and a friend of mine which was close to my family. because my husband and i took her in at age 14 when her mother didn’t take care of her, never less she seen alot with my husband and i he had cheated and 10 years prior to this and i took him back. so while our granddaughter in the hostipal he was cheating, on the same year which all was 2009 on christmas day ten days after our annivasrry he took off to florida with her, left me to loose everything not just my car my appt, i had to sell my jewerly. now he lied threw the hole year saying she wasn’t there and i went to florida to visit him in different area and he said he would fix this and i would move to florida and we renew our wedding vowls over and he said he found house for us he needed money to put down on it and he didn’t,all of sudden i had a feeling that she got pregnant, i ask him he said no, and it was scare then he did a 280 on me and said i hate you im a cunt im not going to florida with him. well 3 months later she ended up pregnant yes this was actually the second time i try to hurt myself over him. i have been going to conclin for all this. when he said i was going to go to florida he said he would buy me another wedding band set with the diamonds. he bought her the diamond and we are still leagal married and not leagal seprated, i just don’t get it, he also has my face tatoo to his arm along with my name and our kids name and and granddaughter, now he has another daughter, barley talks to our daughter but talks to our son. he always say to me i don;t know what i do if you ever stop loving me. i never did even today, he won’t tell me why he did all this he won’t talk to me. but im here in ri still fighting for my grandson. which i thought i was going to florida i brought my brother in law into this case, and its between me and him. why does husband want to wreck me so bad like this, no answer i ask him why he left, he said to me i didn’t want to raise another child, i don’t want anyone to live with us the kids are grown it was just to be us now. and what he is doing in florida raising a baby living with my other brother in law and her i ask him you want the divorce he don’t say anything i ask him if he loves her he don’t say anything i ask him if he still loves me he don’t say anything grrr this has torn me apart, in so many ways. sign so broken

  108. Carmen says:

    My husband cheated on me with a woman I thought friend.. Ironically, she coordinated our wedding and did a great job. She lost her place and me being the one who always want to help someone, let her and her kids come and stay with us..they slept together 12/29/2011 while I was off to practice. He finally broke down and told me new years eve…she had no remorse..neither did he. We separated and he is still sleeping with this woman spending money on her.. the whole 9 yards..she is extremely UGLY….dont understand why men cheat with women uglier than thier wives…I have been depressed,loosing weight,crying etc..Im soo hurt and it feels like he took my heart and trampled on it.then threw it in the trash..the thought of him with her makes me cringe..we have two beautiful girls..and he brings them around her..i hate that.but i have to find a way to get over him. Eventually, I will.

  109. Mary says:

    Yes life is tough. My husband left me after 42 years of marriage, 12 kids and 19 grand kids. He openly told his kids he is having sex with the woman and is very happy. He shows no remorse and blames it all on me. He does not answer any SMS, phone calls nothing. But will talk to his kids. We just lost one of our sons a year ago in a car accident. I cry all the time and wish I could join him. Life now has no meaning. My husband is so indifferent he is happy. I Lots of hard stories. Does it make it easier

  110. tina says:

    My husband had an affair with my sister 5yrs ago i found out on boxing day and threw him out, he got a flat and moved in with her but it only lasted a few weeks, the hurt and pain it caused my children who were 8 and 7 was unreal(to this day they still dont know he was with her)and being betrayed by the 2 people who should care about you was awful. i took him back after 6months because i did still love him and my children cried every night for him. In sept 11 he came in from work and told me he didnt love me and was moving out(2 days before my sons 13th birthday), he had been cold and distant towards me never wanting to go anywhere with me or kids spending his time playing computer games and guarding his phone like it was his life source i had already asked him several times was he having an affair with a woman from work but he said they were just friends, he had been txting her all the time, 6months later i have found out that he is now with this woman although he said they only got together recently i know hes lying,the hurt has all come flooding back and my children know the reason why he left in sept i dont know how to deal with this anymore i listen to my daughter cry most nights and its breaking my heart, he really cant see wat hes doing to them, i lost my family because i took him back the 1st time and really have know one to talk to, the worst bit is this woman hes with has destroyed alot of marriages she gets there numbers from work and flirts and sends pics of her boobs and other private parts to men hes just 1 of many,i cant believe he could do this to us again for someone like her i know i need to move on but i dont know how i want to cause them as much pain as they have caused us!!!

  111. Destiny says:

    Hi I have been married going on three years on 29th January 2012 me and my husband got into and argument and I told him to move out. I didn’t really main it but he went out with friends and slept out. The following day around 10:00am I was driving and saw his truck parked at a store I went and caught him with a female whom he spent the night with and said he didn’t he said he just met her and she was from south carolina and an F.B.I agent who is also a Jamaican….. He continued saying I put him out I said I don’t want him when I confronted him and the thought of it HURT. I in anger went home packed his belonging and after 4 hours he called say he coming for his stuff. Anyways since that incident he moved to his mother’s house. We have done several conciling session and he said he loved me and wanted our marriage to work and he have no connecting with this other female but he needed some more time before we move back together. All fine and good and we were still intimate the whole time. On 3rd March I went to his mother house around 11:00pm and their was this same female at the house who travelled from south carolina to the bahamas to see my husband and actually staying at the house. I again got into a rage because I was now 6 weeks pregnant. At the end of the confrontation my husband came home with me leaving the female at my mother in law house cause she had no where to go. He promised me that he want no part of her he loves me. I agreed to forgive and move pass that and he asked me to move at his moms house while we work pass this. My family is angry and want no part of me for allowing a communication still. I moved there the following day and ever since then things got worst. My husband a week later told me that he don’t love me he don’t want to be with me he will never cut of all tyes with this girl I ga only be there til I get tired cause he ain stopping his foolishness he regrets getting me pregnant among other things. I have no where to go and still love him. I found and e-mail he sent to her telling her he love her and want to be with her and her daughter and unborn child so I went and had an abortion. We are still living together and he don’t no I no he got this female prego but he is treating me bad and I hope he realizes how much I love him before its to late. He is even planning on running away with this female who he never visited or no any thing about. And what makes it even worst my financial status is so poor. What advice can you give please help.

  112. Counselling Guelph says:

    Like the article mentions, there are multiple losses when it comes to being left – loss of trust, self-esteem, and of course the relationship itself. Counselling can certainly be helpful to cope with these multiple losses and to begin rebuilding one’s life. It is very true that the less time you spend comparing yourself to the “other woman” the easier it is to bring closure and move on with one’s life. Easier said than done of course…

  113. jitterbug says:

    After twenty-six years of a difficult relationship, four absolutely beautiful children, and a religious belief that is strong and very much against divorce, I finally divorced him. From the very beginning I felt that he purposely upset me although I didn’t know why. Then the emotional abuse got even worse, and I told him I was getting a divorce. Within months I received a death threat on my phone and realized it was his family. As their little tortures unraveled I realized they had been harassing me for years with his awareness. It had all been something for them to laugh about and to talk about right in front of me because I wouldn’t know. The marraige ended with restraining orders that didn’t work and lots of sleepless nights. The biggest loss has been my children. They were raised with those religious beleifs and hate me for all of this mess in their lives. They have watched their father be emotionally abusive to me and so they are also. I wish there was another woman to hate besides myself. My children and my own family stood by an did nothing to support or help me during that time. They had been tricked also by his outward behavior of a good guy. I don’t trust anyone and don’t think I will ever get over this like everybody tells me to’get over it’!! How do you get over your children pretending to spike your coffee so that you will worry?

  114. Anne says:

    After reading the other stories my story seems not so important. my husband has just left me for a 22 year old. he says he wants babies and that she is beautiful. he is my second husband ,he saw all the horrible things my first husband did to me , he also left me for another woman only she was 10 years older. I look in the mirror and I see someone with falts but not unatractive for my age. My husband said he would never do those things to me which the other one did, because he saw how horrible it was for my then small daughter.
    14 years have past and now he has done the same thing…. he wants use to be friend and everything be ok …but I dont know how to do this, we never once had a fight I never said no to anything he wanted.
    were did I go wrong..I married my best friend , he never went out, he changed his job and now he has gone.I am 50 so cant have kids he says he wants, and have to start again.
    my story is not as sad as those girls with small children . I wish you all the streghth in the world . I raised from the ashes once , I am sure I can again.
    Life goes on, remember the 80.20 law he got 80 % of your love and she was the 20% that was missing, but he is the one with isuues not you.
    All of use who are dumped are strong women.It may not seen so now but it will with time.

  115. nina says:

    Not trying to compete, but my husband left five months ago after thirty six years of marriage, two children and two young grandchildren. We had what I thought was a really great life and had plans for retiring in our dream home in the country which we spent many years working on. We moved into it two months before he left and were busy working on landscaping those two months before winter. One day he came home and seemed a little angry and he said he was unhappy with his life and needed some space. I was shocked and asked him what he wanted since it seemed like he pretty much had everything at this point in his life. I haven’t seen or heard from him and I don’t know where he’s living. He filed for divorce soon after and hasn’t made any attempts to reconcile and won’t go to counseling. I’m still trying to cope with this and he doesn’t talk to his kids or grandkids either. I heard he has a girlfriend and is ” moving on” . Really? Moving on from what? I have heard him say ” I just couldn’t please her anymore” which is bunk because we both have faults and I accepted his and loved him unconditionally. Unfortunately, I won’t get the opportunity to say this or get a second chance to make things right because he isn’t allowing it to happen. I always thought he was a wonderful man and father and tried my best. Granted, after looking back, I’m sure there were holes in the relationship that needed patched. But, without two willing people to fix the problems, then it’s not going to get fixed. He refuses to fix anything, says he’s done and is trying to set himself up with another woman or so I assume. I’ve pretty much given up and am leaving it in God’s hands. I’m depressed, cry all the time, and have had a very rough time with this to say the least. It’s worse than death or anything else that has happend to me. Divorce laws need changed so that people earn their way out of a marriage instead of taking a space in time where they were a little unhappy or bored and turning families lives upside down. Why get married anyway? State laws encourage divorce as do lawyers. We need to take a very hard look at the system and see what we need to do to change it. Divorce isn’t the answer and has caused so many hardships on men whose wives left and visa versa. Why should a spouse pay spousal support when he/she has left for someone else and they have made bad decisions? They should’t get anything for their bad behavior.

  116. ineedhelp says:


    Your Open Question
    Show me another »
    Why did he cheat and said he still loves me?

    Me and my ex were married for 28 years, had three kids that were on their own with their own kids. We got along great, did everything together, without any fighting. Life was good. I thought it was anyways, but I was wrong. My world came crashing around me all in one day. All that I knew and loved was gone. I got home and my husband told me he was cheating on me. I actually, figured it out by myself several months before, but I told myself I was overreacting. I ignored all the signs because I didn’t want to fight. I threw him out and divorced and now he is living with her. Her and her kids from another man have ridiculed my kids right in front of him, he sat by didn’t say or do anything. I feel like I need some closure and answers in my life, that I obviously am not going to get from him. I have read a lot of things online, it seems like he is going through a mid-life crisis. When all of this first happened he would still find some way to communicate with me. He would tell me none of this was my fault, I was a good wife, and I was a good mother, but he was still living with her. I finally told him to stop talking to me because it was too hard on me. To this point, I have been trying to live my life, been dating, and I push them away every time. One day out of the blue, he calls me up, says it was an accident. My first question is why he would call me after all this time. My second question is why he would let her and her kids destroy his relationship with his kids and grandkids. I know they are having problems, he has told me himself. I was also wondering what kinds of problems they would be facing right now. I am not sure how I feel about him right now sometimes I hate him and others I miss him. From what I have read and heard he will get bored with her and try to come back, is this true? I want him to feel the pain and misery like I did. I am doing really good on my own; I am going back to school. I don’t want it to be disrupted again. What should I say if he tries to come back to me.

    1.why does he tell me that he still love me and lives with her?

    2.what kind of problems are they having ?He told me they are having problems.
    3.why did he call me out of the blue? I havent talked to him in months

  117. TheWomanWhoEndured says:

    After 7 years, and 2 kids. My husband’s adulterous a– has decided that he would leave me to go off with some 40 year old woman. Keep in mind my husband is 23, I keep going through phases of abusing myself mentally of what I don’t have that this woman haves but then I realize. If my loyalty and dedication to this man of 7yrs along with a matrimonial promise, and 2 kids, and numerous occasions of forgiving for past adultery affairs, that he would still have the audacity to behave in this way and leave me here with the kids, unemployed, in college, with no transportation (because he has taken our vehicle) and the income; that this man doesn’t deserve me. I am a god fearing woman not say that I am perfect but far from it- I am pretty wise for a 20 year old woman. I am well enough an endurance type of woman but enough is enough, it is time that i stand firm in my word; If my husband ever woke up and got a taste of reality and his wrong doing I would accept him back but only under the standards that he: 1) turn his life over to god. It is quiet obvious that just me forgiving this man doesn’t change his actions-only for but a moment. I refuse to be in the same predicament next week that I am in this week, I am the leader to my own destiny and it is time to do better in life, those for whom are with me must prove themselves by walking with me.

  118. rose says:

    i understand the hurt that women feel once they have been betrayed by the men they loved whole heartedly .My advice to all the girls out there who going through this pain is that it is not the end of the world.It is not what you did or could have done that would have made your man stay.Never blame yourself i no it hurts but we have to draw on our inner strength and stay strong .Look on the bright side of life and pick yourself up .You will not be the first woman who has gone through this neither will you be the last .There are many women who have gone through this pain ,survived and made something out of their lifes.

  119. Alicia says:

    Hi Pat,
    When I read your story it was kind of like reading something I had written about myself. I am 26 and was with someone for over 6 years and we have 2 amazing and beautiful children-my son who is 5 and my daughter is 15 months. The last year of our relationship has been very difficult simply because he did not want to grow up and accept or take on the responsibilities a father should. He was/is a heavy drinker and admittingly has a drinking problem, there were also some other problems he had that led us to alot of arguing. At the end of the day all I ever wanted from him was to get his head on straight so that we could be a happy, loving family. Throughout the year and actually the past several years he had really put me thru alot. There was alot of betrayal, doing things behind my back, him spending all the money we had to support our family on other things and the list goes on. I have told him so many times that if I didn’t love you so much then I wouldn’t care enough to fight your to get your life together. I don’t argue with you because I am trying to just argue but because I want what is best for you and our family. Eventually as time went on the drinking and other things just got worse and more out of control and during my entire pregnancy with our daughter he was completely distant. He never once brought up the fact that we were having a baby, never showed any excitement and nevr asked me how I was doing or even went to one dr.’s appointment. No matter what he did tho I never left him-not to say I didn’t threaten him that I would if he didn’t change his ways but that in my head, was my way of trying to get him to change-but it was never enough. I quit my job about a year ago to stay home and raise our children because we could not afford to put them in daycare so he was the bread winner for our family and we all depended on him 100% financially. Although things were very difficult I still fought to stay by his side and make it work. I suggested couples counseling, I offered to go to meetings with him but he always just pushed me away. A few weeks after my son’s 5th birthday, my kids and I went to see my dad who had just gotten out of the hospital and who has been battling cancer the past year and when I got home around midnite he was not home. I knew something was going on because he did not have the car and yet he was gone. He came home around 2:30 a.m so intoxicated he couldn’t even stand up. He threatened that I was lucky I’m not a guy because if I he would beat me up- then he swung at my face and “pretended: like he was going to hit me laughing about it the whole time. He then attempted to get the car cars and fought me for them and when he couldn’t get them he just stumbled out and I locked the door in attempt to protect my children from seeing that kind of behavior. As soon as I locked the door he immediately went at it and kicked it until he busted the whole door in. I was scared at that point because I didn’t know what he would do while being so intoxicated so I called the police. Once he realized I called the police he took off and I did not hear from him for 3 days. Eventually he went to his moms and when I talked to him he refused to tell me where he had been. I was under the impression that he would be staing at his moms house for the time being and I had actually thought to myself this is what we really need- just some time apart to regroup and realize what we used to have. I was also hoping that that would be his chance to see and feel what it would be like not being with his family or being able to see or kiss his kids goodnite everyday. A week had went by and I found out he had not been staying at his moms the entire time I thoght he was. Come to find out all on my own, like everything else that he had done, he had moved in and was in a relationship with someone else. Not just anyone tho, it was an aquintance of ours that we had both know for about three years but really had nothing to do with her. She also has a 4 year old son. He literally walked out our door and right into hers and what gets me is she allowed him too. She knew we were in a relationship and that we have 2 kids, which have met her son, she knew we had been engaged for awhile etc. The bottom line is he called her after our fight and she welcomed him with open arms, right into her bedroom and her home not knowing Anything about him other than a few short conversations we had together in a public place. the entire time we have known he he has done nothing but say such bad things about her as a person and a mother. We both knew what type of people she ran around with, we knew of how many guys she tried to get with and had got with- he talked about how annoying and ugly she was and what a whore she was but yet she was the first person he called simply because he knew she was that type of girl. Either way he walked out on me and my 2 babies and since then has not had barely anything to do with them. It’s been about a month now and he has only seen them 2 times and that was because I had to fight him to come see them which i am no longer going to do even tho it’s so hard because my son misses his father so much and doesn’t understand why daddy left him and doesn’t want to live or be with him anymore. He asked his dad immediately to choose whose dad he wanted to be because he knew this girl and knows she has a son whom him dad is now living with and is apart of his life everyday. He has also completely cut us off financially. It started out that I had the bank card and was able to get money when needed but within two weeks he wiped out the bank account and stopped his checks from being direct deposit. Believe me when I say I completely understand the anger you all have towards him and the other woman. Especially when the other woman knew of your relationship. I am so disgusted with the both of them I cliterally couldn’t even describe it in words all I can say is that i have been literally so sick to my stomach I can barely eat or sleep. I did lash out when I first found out and went to his job-after I talked to her and she said she didn’t know where he was although he had been with her the whole time. This was only a few days after our fight and I was never told we weren’t together or that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. So not knowing they were actually together in a relationship i waited for him to show up to work because he had just disappeared and this was the only way I knew to see and talk to him but to my very disgust he pulled up in her car-she was driving him- they didn’t see me in my car I watched them sit there and laugh, talk and kiss 2 times before he got out to tell her goodbye. i had just lost it and yeah I went straight after him and I punched him several times in the face and then I went to her and I tell my self thank god she had her seatbelt on because I tried dragging her out of the car and when i couldn’t get her out I just hit her across the face. If i would have gotten her out of the car tho i know I would have last even more control and it would have been a bad situation. luckily, she did not press charges but I know it is only because she feels guilty for what she has done and she needs to live her life knowing she was a homewrecker and just as guilty as he is. The anger I felt was unreal and I was hurting for my kids too. I have been so distraught, upset sad and disgusted all at the same time that I have been vomited. I never thought he would something like this to me let along our kids and it is a really hard thing to accept and it almost feels impossible to accept. I am so torn and I get angry with myself because i go through feelings where I really miss him and sometimes just want to call him and say please come back home to your family. Then I start to feel angry and disgusted with him and it’s just so hard to control all these feelings. Right now I just have so much hatred towards the both of him and I feel like how could he walk out on his own children to be with someone elses child. I feel like alot of you too when you say I just want to hurt them both so bad-what could I do to break themn up-how can I make them both feel the pain I am feeling. I have so many questions and I never even got an answer to them. Of course I want to ask why did you do this? How could you do this? Why her? What about our kids? The hardest thing is the flash back of seeing how happy he appeared to be when he got out of her car and how perfect he makes their relationship appear to be. Although, I do know that that is not entirely true because she called ME one day because apparently he has done nothing but basically drink every night and pass out over there. She specifically asked me if that was a normal thing for him and if he did it all the time. By the end of our conversation she was telling me that I was right about everything, she jumped in it way to fast, he was everything I said he was, then she told me I could have his drunken low life ass back becasue he wasn’t worth it and that she had to go because she was getting rid of him right then and there. I knew tho in my heart that he would cry to her the way he had done to me for 5 years about how and was gonna change and would stop drinking etc and of course she accepted it. That following weekend my son was in his cousin’s wedding as the ring bearer and my son had done nothing but talk about how excited he was to be in that wedding for 2 months prior. The sad thing is that even tho everyone knew he walked out on me and the kids for another woman (this is only after they had apparently been together about a week or so) he decided not to go to his cousins wedding who is a marine and had to leave days after to return to base and he decided not to be there to see his son be apart of this wedding even tho he knew this was one of the most exciting things he has ever talked about doing-he did not come simply because he wanted to bring his new girlfriend of a week or so to the wedding and was told that that wouldn’t be a good idea. So instaed of leabving her for 2 days to go out of town to see his family and be there for his son he diecided not to go. It’s so pathetic and sad. My son is so hurt and torn up. He has lost his father and he just doesn’t know what to think other than daddy doesnt love me anymore. All I can say is I really hope and pray that things do get easier with time because right now I feel like the pain and anger will never go away!

  120. Trapped says:

    I feel bad for you ladies. Men! They are all just little boys who don’t want to grow up. And when they realize that they MUST grow up, they go through a mid-life crisis. Its only a crisis for us! They are animals that feel they need to compete with the younger and stronger males of their species. Its easy to say that moving on will happen, but it will, and it will be liberating. I wish my husband would leave me for another woman! At least I wouldn’t feel so trapped.

  121. mikeya says:

    Well I’m 19nd pregnant with my second child and about a year ago I meet this really nice boy I wasn’t interestead in dating him but he never gave up on me so I finaly gave in and once we got to know each..other he was telling me how he had a baby on the way and ect. But I didn’t mind simply cause I had a son and hewas soo good to me and my son . So me and him started talkin about having a baby together nd two months into are realationship I was pregnant I’m having a lil girl due in may. But I had cheated on me with his babymom and it kept happening even thoe he said it only happend once to this day I think he still did it more then that but it was so crazy because he was in love with two diffrent girls and he kept going back and fourth between us nd it still goes on till this day and I’m I’m ready to move on but don’t know how

  122. Jess says:


    I can completely relate to your story. I was left by the father of my first child when 2 months pregnant. He broke my heart and I, unlike you, internalized my stress. We ended up reuniting 8 months later and evenually married. Our oldest daughter is now 24, we have 4 additional childre and my husband left me again, days before CHristmas, 2011. It is like turning the clock back on all the old emotions: I am experiencing the same saddness, anger, frustration, but mostly the question of “why” lingers. Men who leave their women will leave them regardless of circumstance. I never felt as though my husband truly connected with me, even after our marriage. He has left me fully financially responsible and has not ofered to help. Although it feels that we owe our chldren to remain with their father, the question has to be asked: is this really the best we can do? Do we owe more to our children and ourselves? As hard as it is, you may realize in retrospect that you are better off without someone who is clearly so unreliable. His actions were neither honest nor respectful to you and your baby. I wish you peace with whatever you decision you make.

  123. Jeanmarie says:

    My husband left me for a slim, more attractive 22 year old. I was 35 at the time, overweight and had been threatening him with divorce 5 months prior to him leaving me and my two small babies. I didn’t really think he was going to leave, my little one wasn’t even 8 months old at the time! Distraught, I spoke to him afterwards and was only concerned about the young woman and her weight, I asked “is she skinny?” and he said yes. I didn’t express any concern about how the bills were going to get paid or how were my kids going to eat, just wanted to know if the woman my husband left me for was skinny. I have so much hate and resentment toward them to the point that my relatives and I made false allegations against my husband through the 61 precinct and made it look like his girlfriend did it in a botched attempt to break them up. I have my friends and aunt threaten her life via emails and twitter, because of this woman my children will be forced to grow up without their father.

  124. Pat says:

    Hi Laura,

    You’re such a strong woman. You prayed for the girl of your ex not to get left if she got pregnant? wow.. you truly have a heart of gold. I recently got dumb by my husband. We have a nine years old daughter together. He left me for a prostitute. We live in Thailand so prostitute is everywhere. Right now, all I want to do in my head is to curse him and that prostitute. I wish both of them get the same pain and humiliation that I’ve been facing. That’s why you’re a super wonderful girl to me. But if I were you I would not get back with the father of your child. Simply because once a cheater always a cheater. It’s a habit that is not easily shook. It may disappear for a while. But it’ll come back. Men who cheat have personal issue which cause them to cheat. You will be better off without him. I made a mistake marrying my husband. He cheated on me before and he begged me to get back with him. I should have left back then. You’re strong enough to raise your child on your own. God will help you. Pray to Him. HE is willing to help you. One day you’ll find a nice man who is a far better father to your child and a far better husband to you too. I know a friend who had raised a beautiful daughter alone. Her daughter had never even met the father, not even once. She grew up just fine. She told me that it’s better for her to never live with her father. She has never felt lack. If you want to talk to someone please feel free to write me to my personal e-mail. God bless you. Pat..

  125. Laura says:

    So after finding out I was pregnant, me and my boyfriend were extremely happy and were in a good place in our relationship. One day though he says to me that he needed to let go of his past and he needed to apologize to a girl he lead on before him and I started dating. I asked him “Should I be worried?” his reply was “No babe, you shouldn’t. I don’t love her anymore and with the baby on its way I just want to start fresh.”, so I understood because I too have lead someone on in my past and in his case I really understood because of the “I just want to start fresh”. So four days later I call him to see if he wanted to go walking but I noticed something was wrong and asked him if anything was wrong.. then he said that no nothing was wrong he was just getting used to the face he was going to be a single parent.. I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. He came over and broke up with me, not having the balls to be honest and tell me he wanted the girl. Eventually later on that day we get into a big arguement and he litterly just broke my heart.. completely. I couldn’t.. I was angry hurt sad rejected, I was shattered.. then he still has the balls to say “don’t act weird now”. I couldn’t though.. I told him I needed my space and he got angry with me and for the rest of my pregnancy (6 months) we never talked. I know that we all have been left here in this wall of comments but why do I feel like there’s no help to getting over this. He came back and I let all my feelings out because during my pregnancy I did whatever it took to make myself happy so my baby didn’t feel the feelings I felt. I thought that when I would let them out we could work things out but I just can’t. I hate myself right now because I feel like I’m giving up on what could be a family because he left me.. is that right? I don’t know if I should give in and try to work it out with him, regardless of the feelings I’m feeling inside, to give my son a family or should I think about my feelings and let go of him. I can’t stand it though, I often find myself just hating both of them, I want to dig my fist in both of them, I pray to God that when this girl gets pregnant she doesn’t get left, I pray that no one in the world has to feel this feelings. I give my heart to those who do.. I know there is much worse pain out there in the world but it doesn’t change the fact that these are feelings. I want to yell and scream and hurt both of them. I want to yank all their dreams out of their hands and show them the hurt I felt. But what I mostly want is that they never have to go through this pain. I want them to realize what they’ve done. I want to let go.. but how and when?..

  126. Sharon says:

    Sorry for the typos (corrected post)

    To Lorraine,

    “I often find myself thinking about what he’s doing there with her. If he’s doing the things with her, for her that he used to do for me. It’s bad enough that I wake up in the middle of the night and it’s the first thing that rushes into my head. Do any of you experience this and how do you make it stop”?

    I experience the exact same thing in the middle of the night, and upon waking up in the morning. It’s tormenting and extremely painful. I also hear love song lyrics and wonder if these are the songs that they associate THEIR relationship with. Needless to say, I hate every love song that has come out since our breakup. It’s not during OUR time but theirs. I hope someone has defeated what you and I are going through and can offer advice, or hope, that it will eventually end,..and soon.

    Good luck to you with moving on peacefully.

  127. Sharon says:

    To Lorraine,

    “I often find myself thinking about what he’s doing there with her. If he’s doing the things with her, for her that he used to do for me. It’s bad enough that I wake up in the middle of the night and it’s the first thing that rushes into my head. Do any of you experience this and how do you make it stop”?

    I experience the exact same thing in the middle of the night and upon waking up in the morning. It’s tormenting and extremely painful. I also hear love song lyrics and wonder if these are the songs that they associate their relationship with. Needless to say, I hate every long song that has come out since our breakup. It’s not during our time but theirs. I hope someone has defeated what you and I are going though and can offer advice, or hope, that it will eventually end,..and soon.

    Good luck to you with moving on peacefully.

  128. Sharon says:

    Hello Ladies,
    This is my second post since January 6th. I see there’s another Sharon:) PLEASE ladies… We have all been hurt deeply, and some have the added pain of watching their children and families go through the same pain. What we’ve all gone through is enough and sometimes people can’t understand what we’re feeling. However, I’ve found some comfort in reading your stories and realized that my pain, anger,etc., isn’t stupid or abnormal. I’m trying to say that this site should be a safe place to express your real feelings and experiences. Hopefully a site for encouragement and understanding. Please,..let’s not judge or criticize one another. When I told my story on January 6th I was in a very bad place. However, I saw that I wasn’t alone. I didn’t see any “back and forth” debates at that time. If I had, feeling the way that I did, I probably would have turned away from this site. There could be another person, as i was, on the edge and looking for a safe place. Let that person find what I did, and not feel ashamed to express themselves for fear of being criticized. Unfortunately, there are many stories here. Take what you need from any story that helps you. However, if you don’t agree with, or have other beliefs, try not to comment. I’m not trying to tell anyone what to do, just hoping that this site remains encouraging, and somehow helps women to get through, and over their devastation. I thank all of you for sharing your stories.


  129. lorraine says:

    My boyfriend and I had been together for two years and planning a wedding when he first told me he wasn’t happy and he thought maybe he should move out for a little bit. It was completely out of the blue. I asked him if there was someone else and he said there wasn’t. He didn’t move out and continued to try and work on things for 3 more months and things weren’t getting better. I was doing everything he wanted and he just wasn’t any happier. At this point I didn’t know what else to do, so I finally just said, maybe you should move out. I should point out, that even over these months we didn’t have a bad relationship. We got along very well and were essentially each others best friends. We had our disagreements, but never had blow out fights, we were always able to talk about anything. I truly believed he just needed some space and with some time away he would realize he was just being crazy.

    What I didn’t know until several months later was about two weeks before I had asked him to move out he had started cheating with his ex-wife’s best friend. This was confirmed with phone records. The whole time I was thinking we were taking some time apart and working on getting back together he was working his relationship with her. A few months ago, he moved in with her. When I found out about this, I told him we needed to separate everything. Up until that time, we still had each others keys, shared bills, etc. per his previous insistence to not separate these things. When I did this he completely broke down and told me he hated the position he had put himself in. When he came over so we could go through everything, he broke down again telling me how sorry he was and that he didn’t know what he wanted and how unhappy he was with how everything had turned out. As I’m sure you can all imagine, this made letting go so much more difficult when he was refusing to let go, even though he was living with this woman.

    I knew that his cheating wasn’t my fault and had to do with him not being happy with himself. I had told myself that the only way I could consider reconciling was if he got help to deal with his issues. We recently had a very good talk, I asked him several questions clearing up things I was pretty sure he had lied to me about and getting more answers on why he cheated. During this conversation I realized that he doesn’t think he deserves to be happy and he’s not going to make any steps to fix it because he thinks he deserves to suffer. He had more or less said he’s not miserable with her and he’s essentially made his bed so now he’s going to lie in it and make the best of it and try not to hurt anyone else. This was what I needed to realize that I need to move on and let go.

    I just have one question for you ladies, I’m doing well with letting go, but there’s one thing I’m struggling with. I often find myself thinking about what he’s doing there with her. If he’s doing the things with her, for her that he used to do for me. It’s bad enough that I wake up in the middle of the night and it’s the first thing that rushes into my head. Do any of you experience this and how do you make it stop? Overall I really feel like I’ve made great strides, I’ve been spending more time with friends and getting out more. I started going to meditation and making sure I don’t have a lot of time to sit and wallow. I think this is my last road block.

  130. Sharon says:

    Camy, I think that was very rude of you to say something like that. How is someone saying that they have found strength and comfort in the Lord to get through this horrible nightmare that our so called husbands have put our beautiful children and us through ranting and raving. Talking about God makes a website degenerate? Yes people have different beliefs and different things they lean on in times of trouble and grief but how is whatever you use to cope any better than or more worthy than the beautiful ladies who look to the Lord for strength? If leaning on God for the strength to pull us through this is a crutch, then why wouldn’t whatever it is that you believe in and use to get you through the troubling times in your life also be considered a crutch? If using God is a crutch then whatever you use is also a crutch. We were betrayed by the people we loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world. Why in Gods name would it matter to you what people are using to bring them strength and comfort during this horrible nightmare that our very selfish and cold and unloving husbands and wives have perpetuated upon us? This is truly that worst possible thing that could ever happen to a family and this really damages and destroys children’s lives and self esteem. Yes, it is your God given right to say anything you want here but people come here for comfort and understanding not to be told that their beliefs are wrong or that just because they rely upon God to give them strength that they are using a crutch. By the way, that word, crutch, is usually reserved for alcohol and drug addiction, such as he or she uses drugs or alcohol as a crutch to avoid reality, not when describing relying upon God for strength. Why don’t you tell us all what you use to get you through the troubling times in your life Camy since you do not rely upon God. Perhaps whatever it is that you use to help you could also help someone else who, like you, is not a believer. I am sure that the believers here who find comfort in God also find comfort in the replies of the people who tell them to have faith in the Lord. But as for me and my house we will worship the Lord. Thank you.

  131. Camy Buttersfield says:

    I see that this site has degenerated into rantings and ravings about god…while I realize that some people need things like this to make sense of the world it is disappointing that people have to preach while telling their story…you can tell your story and mention that god gave you strength but trying to drill it into people’s heads while capitalizing lord and god over and over is just sad. Some of us find strength in other places and don’t need a crutch. There are some amazing stories on here about the strength and pain that women go through…let them find their own way instead of forcing your beliefs on them.

  132. Dee says:

    Wow, phenominal woman, your post touched me so much. I posted on here about a month or so ago, after my husband left me & moved in with the woman that he had been having an affair with for 5 years. I know all of you are going to blast me & think I am a fool for what I’m about to say, but I’m going to share it anyway. Maybe it will help someone who wants to see their marriage work.

    As I mentioned, my husband has been having an affair since 2006. The end of November, he moved out & moved in with her. As painful as it was, I was somewhat relieved that I could finally try to heal & move on. I had accepted that he was never coming back. In fact, the other woman was a much better match for him than me. He is 52, and was tired of dealing with my child that is handicapped. I am overweight. I have a large home that he hated maintaining. This other lady has no children, so they could go & do what they pleased without restriction. She is thin. She has a small house & yard to free up his time by not having so much work to do around the house. I am a Christian, & have been praying for God’s perfect will in my life. I knew my future did not include my husband & I knew he’d never want to come back, and even if he did, I did not want him back.

    Fast forward to December 27. I had surgery and was pretty out of it when my husband called to check on me. (Shock #1.) He asked if I had been praying for us. I told him no. I prayed for me, and I prayed for him, but NOT for “us”. He told me that God had been dealing with him & he realized how wrong he has been, and asked if we could go through counseling to try to make our marriage work. Then I received a phone call from his girlfried, and she told me that they were planning on getting married when our divorce was final, and she wanted to let me know that he only wanted to return to me because he was afraid of God. Little did she know, that was the best thing she could have said to me. I can work with a man that has a fear of God! For as long as I can remember, I’ve resented him for what he did to me & our family, even long before he left. But God has truly worked a miracle in me & I no longer resent him. I stopped being resentful & angry before he ever called. I was hurt beyond measure, but I let go of my bitterness. THAT was ONLY God! So when he asked for counseling, I was open to it. I can’t say what the future holds, but he has turned his life to God & I see a different man. I believe as long as Christ is the center of his life, we will continue to repair our marriage. I only wish I had some guarantee that we’ll keep walking in this direction. So ladies, if BOTH parties will surrender to God, there is hope for your marriage. At this point I feel God is fully restoring mine.

  133. Sharon says:

    Thank you for those words of comfort phenominal woman. I hope they comfort others as they did me. What you say is true. God has been by my side this whole time. My faith in the Lord is what has pulled me through these last 5 years. Even though he left only 2 years ago, the trouble started in 2007. That’s when like what you suffered, he became extremely mean and mentally & verbally abusive to me even in front of our children. I knew something was wrong but didn’t understand what. I later found out he had been living a double life with this female, I can’t call her a woman because no REAL woman would carry on with a married man, for years behind my and our children’s backs. I later read after much research, that when they are cheating they will most likely become mean & abusive to you. They do hate you when they are doing this and see you as a roadblock to their “true” happiness. When you finally start standing up to their abusiveness and meanness, they use that to say look, see how mean and abusive SHE is and what a bitch she is. They NEVER tell people what they have been doing on their own end to you behind closed doors that finally pushes you to freak out. My “husband” I recently found out, has bought the house that we lived in and was foreclosed upon and moved in his new girlfriend and her little rugrats. Like one poster here said, her kids are now sleeping in the bedrooms that used to be my children’s. How VERY painful.And in case you’re wondering, he was sober for 8 years and then fell off the wagon and started using cocaine very heavily. We were fine until then. I don’t think he’s coming back. By moving them into that house, the one we raised our children in, he was sending a VERY clear message that he’s done after 20 years. I held onto hope very, very strongly until I heard that bit of news upon running into a former neighbor. And truthfully I don’t believe I could EVER have the forgiveness in me that would be needed to accept him back even if he ever tried. How do these “men” do this to their own flesh & blood children and dear God why would a woman ever want a man like this to call her own? She has got to be just as troubled mentally & emotionally as he is to move into a house where children got tossed out of and move her and her kids in. Even though I have great faith in the Lord, I am really questioning at this point. I really don’t understand for the life of me how he could have done that. He threw us all away like used toilet paper.I think he is mentally unstable to be able to do something like that and just go on with his life. How can it not affect him mentally to live in the same house where we brought our children home from the hospital and raised them in and now be living there with her and her kids? has anyone else experienced anything like this? Midlife crisis schmisis. It’s an excuse pure and simple for selfishness. I ask God to forgive me daily for wishing harm upon him for the pain he has caused our children. I believe in forgiveness, but this goes WAAAAY beyond the magnitude and normal forgiveness limits. I will keep you and all of us suffering in my prayers phenominal woman.

  134. phenominal woman says:

    Greetings to you all…. First I would like to say I have been and still am where most of you ladies are right now… hurt beyond belief….angry at him… angry at her……and angry at myself. However, I just want to let you all know…. God IS a healer. The Bible states, “Trust in the Lord, with all thine heart, and lean not to your own understanding. Acknowledge HIM in all thine ways, and HE shall direct your path.”

    Ladies although we do not understand the how they could do this to us and/or the children or why, God said lean not to your own understanding. That means we may never understand the how’s and the why’s. Ooooh but there is hope. God also said, if we would just “acknowledge HIM, HE WILL direct our paths.” And beleive it or not He is already doing JUST THAT.

    Although I still HOPE and have FAITH, that God will and is able to change my husband’s lying, cheating, mentally abusive heart,(not to mention I believe he is a psychopath/narcissist) HE WILL NOT DO THAT, unitl my husband makes a choice to submit to Him. That’s right… I KNOW God can heal him too!!!! But right now that ain’t happening. LOL

    For those of you who are Christians, we know that God is so very far from their hearts right now. So as wives, they are saved by our faith and we must have faith that our husbands will turn from their wicked ways and come home. But, just in case that doesn’s happen, or they don’t call, or they don’t come back, or they treat you like you never existed…. God is working it all out in our favor. Remember, “ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER, (even those that hurt really, really bad), FOR GOOD, FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE LORD AND ARE CALLED ACCCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE.” I believe when we took our wedding vows, since God ordained marriage, we were called according to His purpose. He also PROMISED, , He would NEVER leave us, nor FORSAKE us. See the fact of the matter is we’re still here. As much as it hurts….ladies we are still standing. God is right there with you. He knows your pain, He sees your tears. HE IS RIGHT THERE!!!

    In closing, my sisters hold your heads up high, they are the ones with the problem. Yes we’ve made mistakes, and yes there are some things we could have done better, but so could they.

    Just to lighten the tone a bit, in case you haven’t heard the saying “the best revenge you can have on a woman that steals your husband…. is to let her keep him.” Hmmmmmm LOL I’m just saying!!!! LOL

    Be strong beautiful butterflies, hold fast to God’s unchanging hand, and please remember you are not alone. You are a PHENOMINAL WOMAN!!! I am praying for you all and especially your children!!!!

    P.S. Can you believe I married Him twice!!!!! Please pray for me too!!!! LOL See and you thought that u had problems!!!! LOL

  135. Sharon says:

    To Elizabeth who commented on December 31, 2011.
    The real question is why would YOU want a man who could walk out the door so easily. If he could so easily leave his family, what do you think may be in store for you one day? One day, you may be the one left crying on the floor like his wife was when he leaves you when the thrill wears off. How you win them is usually how you lose them. Don’t you ever delve deeply into your heart & soul and think if he could do that so easily to his wife and especially his own children, why wouldn’t he be able to do that just as easily to you? Remember, he loved her at one time too but still cheated and you are different how? I hate to judge others but I could NEVER be with someone who is married or in a serious long term relationship. Men & women who cheat and the men and women who cheat with them have zero integrity. To the people who are cheating:have some respect for yourselves and for the person you once claimed to love and first end the relationship with that person before beginning another and to the person who cheats with the married man or woman, have more respect for yourself and stay away until the divorce is final or the relationship has TRULY ended. Perhaps without you in the picture, a family may be saved and children might not have to grow up in a broken home. Most men & women who cheat & leave their family do so for purely selfish reasons. They often think the grass will be greener, but as it turns out they still have to mow the lawn. This is a subject that sets me on fire and completely outrages me. I devoted 20 yrs. of my life to my husband and we have 4 children together the 2 youngest being only 8 & 9 yrs. old. Well my husband decided that he didn’t want our marriage anymore and abandoned his family, children & all his responsibilities. He just didn’t come home one day. Went to get the usual Sunday night groceries and never came home. It’s been 2 yrs. and me and my sons are still in DEEP pain. He has no contact with his kids. Doesn’t even care if they go to bed hungry at night. Our house was foreclosed upon and he left us destitute. We were homeless and I was going from church to church for food. I don’t understand how he can even sleep at night or even look in the mirror when he shaves. How another woman would want to be with a man who could do this to his own children is WAY beyond my comprehension. No concern WHATSOEVER for his children’s welfare. I can’t tell you the tears of pain my children have cried wondering why their dad, and I use that term loosely, could have just walked out on them. Turned his back on 2 beautiful, good, very loving, deserving boys who are now growing up in this cold world without a dad. They have suffered much trauma and their souls are destroyed and I will not bring a man into their lives so they will continue to be raised without a dad or a man to guide them. PEOPLE WHO CHEAT WITH MARRIED PEOPLE DESTROY CHILDREN’S LIVES AND TRASH FAMILIES. But, I truly believe he is the one suffering, not us. I have all 4 of our beautiful children in my life EVERYDAY! He hasn’t seen his children in 2 yrs. He will have MANY regrets on his deathbed and will most likely die alone due to the atrocity of what he has done to his own flesh and blood children. When you think you’ve won when he or she leaves their wife or husband & kids for you, you did win. You won the boobie prize of someone who is a cheater and a liar and dishonest. You should ALWAYS be looking over your shoulder because one day it could and probably will be, your turn for them to do that to you.

  136. angel says:

    Ladies this is my story!Married for thirty five yrs. Husband left me ten yrs ago! I went through a living hell and I will never get over it!In ten yrs his grown daughter did not speak to her dad but five yrs ago she forgave him and now they are on speaking terms! Now ten yrs. later he has married the other women because thats the right thing to do words out of his month! But he has lost his business his house is over extended the new wife is 23 yrs. younger and now wants out of the marriage no more money and now he is old and she does not want to be a nurse!He told our son and daughter this past summer tht he was separated but living in same house because neither can afford to move out!!She has put him in debt with credit cards he saud that its been a lfe of hell for the last four yrs married to her!!Now over the xmas. break he said that they are trying to work things out yea right!! I know that i should not feel sorry for him but I do!! Just sit back and watch how GOD works i know in my heart that his marriage will be over very soon and he is a broken man! See ladies God will not bless Junk and his marriage was started out on lies cheating not on a marriage that was founded on a rock ther marriage was founded on sinking sand!!I do pray for him and hope he gets his life together before its to late!I on rhe other hand own my own home started a business that was brought to me by God I pay my bills and I am doing okay!Now mind you i never worked a day in thirty five yrs of our marriage!Well just hang tight gals and see how God works!I do still care for my ex and i always will keep the faith!!

  137. Melissa says:

    My ex-boyfriend lefted his wife because she cheated on him. When we got together he said he loved me. We were together for 2 yrs. After a few months he startd accusing me of being with other men. He was doing me wrong trying to be with other women on facebook, myspace, dating sites. He is constantly disrespecting me, staying out a week, women calling my cell phone, he won’t answer my calls. God don’t like ugly, now he has Congestive Heart Failure, he’s been strip of everything he loves to do. He loved to eat everything (low sodium only) He loved to party (no more alcohol and drugs) He loved sex (erectile dysfuctional, heart meds.) can’t chase the woman like that. He deserves it, I was faithful and he was a liar and cheater. I can either get over the hurt which will past or live a stressful life with a no good man. I rather get over it. Stress will kill you.

  138. Sharon says:

    Hi Ladies,

    My husband left me emotionally well before his physical exit. I heard that when a man stays physically, without his heart being into it, he becomes very mean. Well he did. I can’t tell you how empty I felt when he refused to make love or show me affection. Nevertheless, I kept hoping and praying that he would come around and that our “love”, history of 16yrs, family, etc. would bring him around. I knew in my gut that he was cheating but didn’t have any proof, so I held out, based on my love for him, and determination to keep our marriage. He finally left me on June 25, 2011. The night before, we made love,(which was rare), kissed at the door(by my initiation), but he never came back. He wouldn’t answer his phone for weeks. His family was never accepting of me and always influenced and condoned any infidelity among them. I had no one to turn to or to go to. Eventually, I “caught up” with him, however, he only communicated with me when he wanted or needed something from the home. He has helped me intermitantly with finances. Its been six months now and I’ve recently learned that he is smitten with a woman. She called me the other day and said “I’m sending your husband home”. She claimed that he left his cell phone behind and she wanted to know “what really happened”. To sum things up, she has a signifiant other and MY HUSBAND is determined to “win her”. She told me that he has started the paperwork to file for divorce. My husband has denied that papers are filed, but in his own way, has confirmed everything else she told me. I don’t know why but until now I held out hope for us. I still love my husband although I know it sounds stupid. Since hearing from the woman it seems as if everything has become a reality to me, especially since I was holding out for him to come back. I need help. I am hurting so bad because he has made it clear that he doesn’t want to save our marriage. Why can’t I let go? All my love, plans, dreams, everything is tied in with him. I have constant reminders, everyday of him. My wallet, my desk, my home, the name I’m called everyday,…is all tied to him. I removed the photos before Christmas, from my desk, wallet, etc. But how do I stop my heart? How do I erase the replay I keep hearing in my head of all the things the woman said to me. Most of all, how do I accept that he doesn’t love me anymore and that he will no longer be in my life. I fell into a deep depression around New Years Eve. I couldn’t get out of bed, or go to work after the holiday. I constantly think of him. I would never hurt myself. However, sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep. My only daughter is married with 1 yr old twins. She’s done so much and has been there for me. She spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with me to keep me from being sad and lonely. I’m so heartbroken and the pain is not letting up. I wish there was a support group that I could go to. Somehow, just talking about it isn’t doing anything. Can anyone help me. I feel pathetic, because I still want him. I’ve even asked him to come home. He has said he would consider our marriage, but deep inside I know it can’t and wont happen. I’m losing ground and I can’t see pass this pain.

  139. Camy Buttersfield says:

    I read all these stories and as terrible as it sounds they give me strength. To know there are other women out there that are going through and have gone through very difficult times makes me know I am not alone. I left my first husband, who I had three children with because he was an alcoholic and drug user, cheated on me and payed us absolutely no attention. I made the mistake of rushing into another marriage with a younger man and he was good at first but it became evident quite soon that he had some issues with sex…he was abused as a child and this started to become a problem. After we were together for awhile he started choking me when we would have sex. I didn’t know if it was normal because I don’t associate making love with violence but he seemed to be able to perform and that was one of his issues. It got to the point where I couldn’t handle it and even though I loved him it seemed like he was just using me as an outlet for all his pain and confusion. I would pretend to be asleep to avoid sex. My children are my life and light and they always come first and I felt like this was a really bad situation. He put on such a good show of being the goofy, fun guy and everyone loved him. I felt like a failure because this was my second marriage and I didn’t want to go through another divorce and make my children suffer but I was in such a deep depression. I met someone and we became close, just talking at first about life and the problems that come along with it and I was the one who ended up cheating because I just wanted something normal. My husband found out and left me. Four months passed and I never heard a word from him and couldn’t find him. He called me out of the blue and said he wanted to make things work and missed me and the kids. I tried to take things slowly to make sure he wasn’t going to be abusive again and he seemed totally changed…we ended up being together several times and then I got a call from a girl laughing and saying that he was with her and he was just getting back at me for cheating on him. She told me I was stupid and because I still loved him regardless of his abuse it cut me to the core. He got on the phone to tell me that she was younger and absolutely gorgeous and that he never loved me. I am still healing from my own poor choices and for having someone hurt me in return. It might be a taste of my own medicine but for some reason I feel that his best revenge would have been to just leave and be happy with someone else instead of stooping to such a low level.

  140. tami says:

    My husband left and moved out of state with another woman after 22years of being together 12 of those years married. Did not keep a steady job through those years. Three children later still not supporting them. His Cheating started 3 years ago and i put up with it for a while. He would be out till 3am in the morning. Sometimes didnt come home at all and would be gone for 2 days. Not home for his kids and doing whatever he wanted to do. He totally disrespected me and our children. He almost completely destroyed me. Through growth spiritually, and leaning on God im am slowly getting over him. Its not easy and the hurt and pain can be unbearable. I just continue to pray and seek the Lord. Im filing for divorce and I have already decided to move forward without him. I trust that the Lord will heal my broken heart and I also believe that part of my healing is forgiving him. My husband will have to deal with the consequences of his actions and its for God to judge not me. So even though these types of situations are very difficult and hard I just stay in prayer and in the bible and I can already see the changes happening!

  141. Tobie says:

    My husband of 20 years left two months ago for another woman, someone he had known for one month. No notice nor did I suspect anything. he just walked in one day and announced he was in love with someone else and was leaving. He moved in with her that night. I was devastated. We have been together since we were 17, I know no other life but with him. About a month later ( two days before our 20th Anniversary) he called me crying saying he wanted his wife back and how sorry he was. Said he loved me and just wanted to fix our marriage. He moved back in. I was ecstatic. I think I fell more in love with him, crazy as that sounds. He was there for three days and left again. This time he stated he was confused and loved both of us. Said he needed to be on his own, without either of us to see what he wanted. I believed him and gave him that space. Again I was devastated and totally confused. I found out three days later, that the night he left me for the second time claiming he needed space, he actually called her and moved back in with her. Needless to say I was back to square 1 and the emotional disaster started all over. HE refused to help financially and I since have lost my home and had to move in with my son and his girlfriend. I would like to add that when he left the first time, I found a part time evening job to make some extra money. When he moved back in he claimed he didnt want me working at night because he wanted me home so we could spend time together, so I quit that part time job. People think I am crazy because I still love him and want him to come home. I cant function and have been in a deep depression. I don’t do any of the things I normally enjoy and just lay in my bed most of the time. I have attempted suicide once, and failed at that. Oh one more important part… THE WOMAN HE LEFT ME FOR IS ALSO MARRIED. She left her husband for mine. I dont know how to move on without him…….

  142. weener says:

    I was married for 12 years from 1986 we had a son and until my son was seven i sarted to see the “signs” going to the gym more hiding his phone, and the one day i managed to get hold of his phone without himseeing ,this is where i saw the evedence, It was over accordingly to him and i forgave and forgot it!
    Three years later it was still going on and my and my 7 year boys life hit rock bottom! by this time he had gone to live with his younger woman
    he has moved on to his new life and fair enough but his new lady is pregnant and i worry about his own son. Helpxx

  143. Elizabeth says:

    Hi all. I am reading the comments above and want to share my story. I met a man who was married ten years and had 2 small children. We fell in love and he separated from his wife after we had been seeing each other for a year. It was very difficult for him, as he cared for his wife (they had been together 15 years) and was afraid of his kids living in a broken home).
    He didn’t realize that he wasn’t happy in his marriage until we met. He said they didn’t have fun anymore and that they had moved in different directions for a while. It is hard to explain but we had such a deep love and connection for each other. It was hard for him to leave her, but he couldn’t pretend that his marriage was something that it wasn’t.
    Ladies, I am sorry for your pain. Try to remember that the “other women” don’t put a gun to the mans head to leave. They do so after much thought and consideration. A man leaves a relationship emotionally first-then physically. So when they leave it means they have been thinking about this a long time. Have respect for yourselves and let the men go.
    We have now been together 5 years and are very happy and in love. I do not consider myself a home wrecker, as it was already broken.(We are both professionals with masters in business and from good families-we have a solid head on our shoulders). We fell in love and we are happy.
    I guess what I am saying is…let the men go who leave you. Why would you want a man who could walk out the door so easily? You will find a man who will love and cherish you in time.

  144. Louise says:

    I just found out that my partner and father of our 3 young children has fell in love with a prostitute he has been seeing. We’ve had problems but were trying to work through them then I found out about the prostitute through friends and by checking his cell phone. Words cannot describe my hurt right now. He also has a major drug problem which again I was convinced he was dealing with. At this point the children and I have had the most awful christmas imaginable. I want no contact from him and he is certainly happy to oblige. I’ve heard he has moved in with her and they are in love. I only hope he’s happy with the devastation he’s caused to the 3 children he’s left behind who he allegedly loved so much.

  145. Annmarie says:

    My husband left me a few months ago, because he was going through sexual issues; he wants a younger woman who can fulfill his sexual desires. He became very nasty and mean towards me. He left me raising a daughter that’s in college. He treats her like a nobody and decided to give her nothing for Christmas and refuses to give no financial support. He has been very ,very, very, abusive in the past. I have endued great pain and suffering for 24 years of my marriage. I hope someday I can open up a shelter or home to help women that has suffered through great abuse and pain. My husband is under the influence of witchcraft and evil. Last, but least my mother-in-law pasted and he brought this woman to the funeral. This was heartbreaking and disrespect to me and my daughter. What a dirty and nasty act on his part. This not the only woman he’s sleeping with. He’s been with several women. He’s nasty, dirty, unclean individual that’s running from woman to woman trying to fulfill his sexual needs. I hope God put a stop to his actions before he hurts a innocent woman out there. He’s very deceiving and liar, which entangle women by seducing them with words he can whisper into their ears. He never pay his bills or consistently losing cars and personal possessions. God’s is against adultery and infidelity. It is a penalty to pay for committing adultery with another woman other than your wife. The bible states the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life. I have been a wonderful, caring wife for 24 years and now he has thrown me to hell. I’m feel sick everyday knowing what my husband is doing which is “Wrong” in the eyes of God. He will not admit he’s wrong or sorry for his infidelity and adultery. He enjoying his love affair. It is better to acknowledge true and honest love which is the (wife) than a quick fix or ever lasting disease that will take you to the grave. I have wasted 24 years of my good life with this fool. Women awake and know whom you are connected with before you say “I’m in love with this man”. Stay watchful and observe every action your mate takes. I hope no one will experience my pain and suffering. Safety 1st, peace, happiness to my black sisters out there….. “Lesson to learn and know” about marriage. Demon possessed individual.

  146. Angela says:

    My husband left me yeserday. I found out two weeks ago, on our way to a 7 day vacation in Florida, that he had been having an affair for 6 months. We have been married for almost 30 years. We have three adult daughters, all of them worshipped their daddy. Our grandchild lives with us, we have full custody.

    I made it though vacation with lots of prayer and the comfort of the Holy Spirit. It was surreal, he was so attentive, made love to me twice, made it seem like all was going to be okay. We went to a counselor within an hour of returning to town. He kept a personal counseling appointment to follow up, and after lots of tears, he told me he had ruined our lives and her life and didn’t know what to do. He called her and he called it off. We went to another counseling appointment and made it though Christmas.

    I immediately got a call from her and found out the “one time” they slept together was 10 days long. I also found out that she “knew all about me, I didn’t deserve him, and it wouldn’t work.” Well, I don’t believe for an instant that she knows about me. They met online, she lives over a thousand miles away…but she was right, getting back together isn’t working. He met me yesterday and just got in the car and told me he was through. He just wan’t “feeling it”. He couldn’t live with me questioning his internet usage to see if he had been talking to her.

    I desperately want my marriage to work. I still love him, and God hasn’t told me I can’t forgive him. But, I have to accept the fact that he is having a mid-life crisis, has lost his mind, doesn’t care what he is doing to his family. He came home to tell our daughters that he was leaving and we had communication problems. Right. One of the girls called him to see if he was going to go to counseling with me, and he told her he’s moving in with his girlfriend one day this week. She’s moving across the country to be with him.

    I know it’s fantasy. They’ve built castles in the sky that have nothing to do with reality. When your only talk on the phone, and message, you sure don’t have to let the reality of who you are seep in. Does she know that he’ll go 3 days at a time without brushing his teeth? Gross, but he just told us that sometimes he does that when he’s on the road. Does she know he doesn’t do any housework, won’t share with the cooking anymore, is selfish, demanding, will talk over you so that you can’t have your say in a discussion? I don’t think she does. Does she know he can be mean spirited, looks for revenge and hurtful talk instead of being uplifting and forgiving?

    Why do I even want this man? Maybe because he is the love of my youth and I thought he would always be the love of my life, in spite of his faults. I just don’t think I’ll still be in a place to forgive AND forget by the time he sees what he has done.

    Why would a man throw away 30 years of commitment? This is a man who has been active in his church, and at one time very close to God. Now he’s bitter toward God and says God gave up on him a long time ago. I don’t get it. Two years ago, before we moved, he was running the music ministry in our church.

    However, he has always had a problem with the fact that I am overweight, and has even told me I drove him to porn because I wasn’t a good enough “package” any more. Never mind the countless accidents I’ve been in, the surgery, the 3 children I bore for him. He didn’t mind spending over $100,000 in settlement money from the accidents…it’s just me that’s not good enough.

    It seems the fact that I’ve been working on the weight loss, and have actually lost 65 pounds since early summer aren’t good enough. I’m not good enough. But, I am a child of God. I’m good enough for Him to love me, and I am sure I’m going to make it through this.

    So, how do I do that and take the high road? I want to empty our bank account, but I haven’t. He even told me he’s reasonably attractive, makes good money and get’s offers for companionship.

    I think he should have to pay support….I’ve supported him for years in his job on the road. I made more money than he did for years, but that money is gone now. Now he owns his own company and says we have what we built. I didn’t build a vehicle for a cheater. I’ve asked him to cut back on travel for a year. I’ve begged him to at least call the kids and talk while he’s on the road.

    Now I know he thinks he’s done good for the kids…and their all adults now, he says. What about the grandchild, who is in elementary school? Well, they’ll see him as much as they do already. Not hardly!!! He’s not cared enough for years, why would I think he’s going to care now?

    I, too, am left with a house that needs lots of repairs. We bought it together knowing it was stripped of most of what makes a home but with a commitment to each other that we were going to fix this for us. He says he’s still going to fix it for me and the kids, who’s to believe a lying cheat?

    In addition, my car isn’t working. I’m having to borrow one from our daughter. Yes we bought it, and pay the bills on it, but it’s still hers. He’s claimed he would fix mine for weeks, and now he’s claiming he’ll get it fixed. I don’t believe that either. He just had me sign a huge car loan so he could be out on the road, but he says that’s okay because our lawyers can work that out.

    This man has become so callous. He actually told me he knows what he is doing is wrong and that he will have to meet Jesus about it some day, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want anyone to tell him he’s being bad…he just wants to do what he wants to do.

    Our daughter called the spade a spade. She told him this isn’t her daddy and she doesn’t know how he can act this way. He hasn’t told his parents the truth, just that we’re separating. I want to call them so much so that they can know what he’s up to.

    I don’t want “our” money to go for his new apartment/home, furnishings, etc. That’s not fair. I get stuck picking up pieces and he gets all new stuff, all new life, all new what? Wickedness, adultery, a harlot, the words are only bad for what he’s chosen. I pray someone comes into her life to show her how much she is hurting people. I pray God touches his heart to make him realize that this is his permanent salvation he is playing around with.

    I have prayed for God to move mountains, but I just want to lean on God and let Him take me where he needs me to go. I certainly don’t know where that will be. It’s time for God to carry me through…thankfully I know he will.

  147. Lily says:


    reading all these comments really made my day! i’m not the only one!!! my husband of 3 yrs (whom i dated for 2 yrs before we got married).. is going to spend the new yr with the girl he met in the club 2 weeks ago. we were having problems but we were trying to work things out. he went out to the club, came home drunk with no ring on(found his ring in his pocket). my friends saw him talking to this chick the whole night when he went out. the next day he told me he will be driving 5 hrs and spend the new yr week with “his friend”. i work in a phone company and i can see our bill. he has been talking to this girl like 24/7, even when am in the house. we are getting a divource cos i had enough!! no man is worth this pain am going through. but when i hear him talking on the phone, telling her he is crazy bout her, i feel like killing him!!but he aint worth it! i just saw him packing all is nice stuff and he will be driving over to her place tomorrow! i don’t want him anymore but it still hurts!!

  148. lina says:

    I have been throu this, husband left me and our 4 year old son for another woman, but i put my faith in God and he is my stength. I believe that everyone will pay it’s price for hurting their kids, husband or wife by cheating and leaving for another. It usually won’t last and that will be the day they will start thinking, what have i done!

  149. Michelle says:

    I am in the same boat. I have been married 16 year, 3 days after on 16 year anniversay on Dec.12, 2011. I discovered my husband was cheating on me i asked him to move out and he did on Dec. 19th, 2011 and the same day he moved out of home he moved it with his girlfriend. On Dec,. 21st he came to pick up on daughter and said they was going to his moms but he took our daughter to his girlfriends house and introduced her as his girlfriend. I didnt know until dec. 25th, 2011 that he did it again. He meet this woman online and said he never cheated on me with her. My pain is great and my heart feels like it was ripped out of my chest and ripped into a million pieces. I only have one question if he never cheated on me why would anybody move in with a complete stranger especially if you meet the online. I am 34 years old and scared to death, we have a 15 year old son to who refuses to have anything to do with him. I cant eat or sleep and all i do is cry, i wish i could make this pain go away.

  150. carole says:

    Im so sorry to hear of all the hurt everyone is feeling, I to have a story to tell. 10 years ago I was a happy divorced single mom had a great well paying job didnt want for anything. He was married lived around the corner wasnt happy i guess wife was running around with everything but the mailman.I had a son they had a son that played together at times,well she up and left him one day out of the blue..He was devestated turned to the church for help,because they partied all the time before so i guess he wanted to repent his sins.well he and i strted seeing each other it lasted 10 years. Now shes back in the pic he told me dec.7 that he wants her to move in with him cause his mother is sick and she is going to help take care of her but she lives alone. not with him.Is he having a mid life crisis or what? Any help?

  151. Dee says:

    I have cried most of Christmas Day. How are we going to get through this & pick up the pieces?

  152. bobbi jo says:

    I can empathize with all of these stories. I was married 20 years, still technically am. In 2010 I ask my husband to leave because he was gone all the time and being selfish, he slept with his ex best friends girlfriend who is 12 years younger than him, they were separated at the time and I wasn’t aware of the affair. He came home in July and I thought things were going well, Jan 2011 we were out celebrating the New Year and he was texting her telling her he loved her. I ask if he wanted a divorce, he said no. Fast forward to April I found out they were texting and spending time together, and he was leaving our home to sleep with her. He decided he wanted her and kicked me and our children 18 and 15 at the time out, he owns several properties so we were put up in one of his apts which was very small and nasty, had pot smokers on one side, child molester on the other. About 5 weeks later he moved her and her two small children into our home their 3 and 8. Her kids now live in my kids’ bedrooms, she has posted this all over FB they go on dates, it has been made very public in our small community. My children will not have anything to do with him because of her and he continually chooses her over them. I told him the kids said they would come spend time with him at the house if he ask her to move out, but he said no~ He texts them about once a month, but other than that in 8 mths they have spent no time with him, Our divorce goes to court in January and they are engaged to be married June 23rd 2012. He has allowed her to call me ugly, fat, lazy, and said I could only lose weight thru surgery I had the lap band a year ago. It has been a nightmare and I have said some pretty nasty things to him as well out of hurt and frustration,this man allowed us to go on welfare and stopped all forms of support even holding up child support and isn’t willing to help us at all, if I go for alimony he threatens to take my son, who he knows does not want to live in that house with her. Both my kids were around this woman for 4 years, my daughter babysat for her and my son was in karate class with her, my stbxh runs a school, he wont go back there either, I know I have rambled and have been all over the page with this, but the hurts still real and still deep and I am trying to move on and focus on me and my kids, but I miss my husband and I never wanted a divorce, he had me believing he wasn’t leaving, he just needed to have the affair and said he did love me and to hang on, and I did for over a month, now she is going to marry my husband and have more kids with him….lost!~

  153. Tammy says:

    I found out my husband was on facebood, texting and talking to a woman he dated in highschool with 2 years ago. We decided to give our marriage another try. Well I tried he treated me like crap. I have given everything to this marriage, but in July of this year I just couldn’t do it anymore and asked him to leave. He lived in my basement not helping me with bills until a week ago when I made him leave. I miss having him around and keep hoping he will figure out he misses me and ask to come back. (I know this won’t happen) I know this is for the best but just can’t get myself to move on. I am a survivor though and I will get through it. Hope you all do too. Thanks for listening.

  154. Dee says:

    My husband had an affair 5 years ago & I forgave him & worked through it, only to find out 18 months ago, that he never stopped seeing her all of that time. He then confessed & said he wanted out of the affair because it was me he loved. Fast forward to September of this year when I was in the hospital almost dead. He started his “friendship” relationship up with her again. Then on November 29th, we had a fight & he said he wanted to leave, but wouldn’t if I just said the word. He said we could work it out but he didn’t really want to. But I wanted to see where he would go if we ended it, so I told him he could leave. Plus, I didn’t want him to stay if he didn’t really want to be here. So he left & went straight to her house. He’s been there ever since. I regret letting him go. I feel it’s all my fault. I could have stopped him. But I also feel like this was bound to happen because he let her back into his life. I’ve begged him to come back, but he’s filed for divorce & plans on marrying her when it’s final. If I could turn back time, I would ask him to stay. I’m just so torn.

  155. Cherry Schultz says:

    My husband of 6 yrs had an affair with his boss at the bar he has been working at and wants a divorce and says he’s in love with her. I just found out about the affair from one of my co-workers the 10th of this month. He has been taking our three children around this woman who was no remorse whatsoever about bbreaking up our family. He has been pushing her at the kids for a week now. He wants to take her, her son and our children to a movie. My daughter does not want to go. She hates her and not just because she stole her dad but she sees what this woman really is and that’s a very bad person. I can’t seem to eat but a couple of bites of found at meals and have been sick to my stomach since I found out. Unfortunately, I am still very much in love with him. I keep hoping he will come to his senses but it doesn’t happen. Now I just want to get over this pain in my heart.

  156. lilye mae says:

    Hi i believe the power of prayer keep the faith hold on tight it’s only a test so just believe you can make it.

  157. Sofia says:

    Wow Kellie that sounds just like my story. To add to it, my husband of 10 years left me a few days for her former boss who is 25 years younger than he is and whom he claimed at his company’s HR that she was sexually harassing him and he was concerned she would come to our house and kill my dog or me (just like the movie “Fatal Attraction”)She was fired but he kept answering her calls and texts. He eventually fell in love with her, and I found out after reading all the texts which he never deleted. He wanted to be roommate with me til he could save some money and move out. During that time, he would talk to her in the evening, midnight, and morning from his bedroom but still I could listen the conversation. When he asked me to pay his credit card online, I saw all the hotel charges and shopping charges. It was horrible! I could never thought someone you trusted for 10 years was indeed a monster.
    BTW: the company filed a restraining order against her after she came to the company to threatened the HR manager

  158. steph says:

    On halloween of this year I told my husband to leave after bringing a broad to my house, after fully knowing she wasn’t welcomed. myself and certain people have been on to them when they witnessed her kissing him at a buck n doe a prior month…apparently accidental..but then finding the text messages about going out, having sex and sprouting words of love afterward. I have no idea if I have the capacity to ever forgive him even if he was going through a period of not knowing what love was or not knowing the man he has become(yes we married young, we had large responsibilities when we had kids and one with special needs). I had my doubts too at points but never went so far as to what he has done or went to the point where I ran to another man and moved in for a few weeks. After weeks of trying to fight for this marriage. He still declines going to a counselor I thought he had come back to work it out and then a couple days ago I find her with him out of town. she does work with him and he has put his business first before family. for a man who can’t say no to anyone and then still tells me nothing physical happened….would anyone of you still fight for your marriage and forgive the wrongdoings to fight for a love you once did have?

  159. Nicole says:

    Hi 2 all, reading most of these stories makes me feel so sad, well im not the only 1. My husband left me in the beginning of January of this year and i do at times feel sad and i have tried to move on but im having a hard time trusting anyone. The man i gave my heart too, never was unfaithful and looked after him, had his 3 kids & he did this 2 me whats 2 say another man wont do the same. I want to move on but i cant & i don’t think i could settle down that easily ever again but i do believe that GOD will help me through this and there is light at the end of the tunnel. He left me in a financial mess ive picked myself up and worked my way out of it, invested in my kids education, have money 2 spend on myself, ive had support from family & my work colleagues and love the freedom (having time for myself) but i do feel lonely sometimes. I hope & pray it gets better for myself & every1… :)

  160. kellie says:

    my husband left me on november 26 this year i caught him sexting 770 times in 2 days he wrote her she wrote him saying where to meet and what they were gonna do.! how could he he had been doing that for over a month i questioned him who he had been with begged him not to go we could work this out but he said he was done he said he loved her more walked out on me at 8:30 at night in the pouring rain we had been married 12 1/2 years never fought or anything oh how it hurts i feel alone and ugly and worthless and i know this is not true so i am torn i want to know he is being taken care of and then on the second hand shouldnt care right? what to do?

  161. Lynne says:

    My fiance left me for another woman. We had been together 4 years. For four years I listened to how he couldn’t stand to be around people who smoked, drinked excessively and slept around with different partners. This woman he left me for has all 3 of these qualities. I’m not just saying this because I’m hurt. She works where I work, so I know all about her. I asked him how he could be with someone like that, I don’t even remember what he said. I have never been so devastated in my life. I want to die. Sometimes the pain seems to much to endure. I just don’t know how I will continue to go on. Right this second I feel like a knife is in my heart twisting around. It’s unbearable. I just don’t know how to go on.

  162. Ashley says:

    My husband left me for another woman he met on Facebook – supposedly he went to high school with her and now believes himself to be in love with her (that he never stopped loving her). We have been married 13 years and have 2 amazing kids. I am not going to say we did not have our share of problems, especially the last couple of years; however, up until 2 months ago when I caught him cheating things were good. He has always been actively involved in our childrens lives, but now he doesn’t even bother to call them. He calls once in while and talks to them for a whole minute. I am so angry at him for hurting our children – they are completely innocent in this!! I don’t know how to get control of myself, one minute I am extremely angry for what he is doing to the kids and the next I am sobbing like a kid myself because of how much he has hurt me. The last two years have been difficult we have had to face many hardships and through it all my husband got more and more depressed. He blamed himself for what was happening and saw no way to improve the situation and in turn completely withdrew from me. At first I tried to stay positive and be his personal cheerleader but that took its toll on me. Not once in two years was he there for me, never a shoulder I could lean on – and now he does this to me. I don’t know what to say to my children when they want to know why daddy hasn’t called them, why daddy doesn’t want to see them. I think he is going to see a lawyer tomorrow about filing for divorce – just when I think he can’t hurt me anymore he does. I don’t even know why that hurts – he is sleeping with another woman, deserting his kids, left me in a complete financial ruin (we just filed bankruptcy and are in the middle of losing our house) – why does him filing for divorce hurt? I shouldn’t want him back, I honestly don’t think I could take him back – divorce is the next step. I need help only I don’t know where to start – Counselor for me, counselor for the kids, a divorce lawyer, need to find a sitter for the kids so I don’t loose my job, need to find an apartment (hopefully one that allows dogs), do christmas shopping, do st nick shopping, by the way I not only work full time but I am also in school, so do homework, do yard work, and he list goes on and on.How do I begin to try to heal??

  163. Natasha xx says:

    Hello there my husband is seein a workcollague for 2years I dint no abt it I just had a baby girl 3months a go he gave me a tough time the hole time I was pregnant I lost my mum when I was 2weeks preg and the my nan at7months I needed him the most he lied to me all the time the women he is seein is married to and has a 9 year son I have caught them together in the car and asked him abt it he said there is nothin I have seen her msg at 2 in the monin and then he deletes it all now he said he does not love me anymore and has left me a week ago he says he wants out left me wit a empty house and got him a new house says he wants nothin to do wit me I really love this man but he has so much hate for me everyone in his office nows that he is seein this women now he says that if her home breaks she says that she will move in with him what does that mean . He got this women to our house when I had our baby and was in hospital took her to a hotel on my bday dint come home and came home with sperm all over his pants but has nothin to say abt that how can he do this to me and our baby I don’t no what to do I have been wit him for six years and givin him all my love care time he says hurt full things to bring me down he wants my baby . She is all I have I can’t let him take her he blames me for everything also now my inlaws hate me too and believe him coz they don’t live wit us and don’t no what he is up too should I let the womens husband no abt this or should I just wait for karma to take over I have lost my husband am miss him we have had some gud times I miss all that love he had for me but now he says am a shit wife and will not be a gud mum and that really hurts someone who loved u can hate u so much ,,, plz help me what should I do should I let him go easly ,, thanks for takin ur time to read my story !,

  164. Annie says:

    My ex left me after 20 years for another man. It could be worse. I was just too good to him. He took my kids for child support and left me with a stack of bills. He is a very mean, abusive, sick individual and he abuses kids. Please pray this stops. He worships the Devil and is out of his mind. He is very obese now too.

  165. Novelle says:

    I have heard that helping others will help you to heal. This is my story…hope it helps someone.

    When we met it seemed to good to be true. He did for me all of the things that no man had ever done, he said the things no man had ever said. I opened up and shared with him all of my dreams and my fears, something that I had never done with anyone in my life. I gave him all of my trust, again something that I had never done before. One of the biggest things that I had a hard time with was telling people that I couldn’t have children. Some people think that, that is so easy to say, but as a woman it makes you feel incomplete. I shared this with him, and his response was “It will be okay, my kids will be our kids.” Even though I didn’t give birth to them I loved them as if I did. The day that I became his wife and there step-mom was one of the happiest days of my life, there have only been three happy days in my life, the second was when my step-son told me “happy mother’s day” and the third was when my step-daughter asked me if she could call me mommy.

    After the honeymoon phase was over, he began to become mentally abusive, he would say things to purposly make me cry and instantly apologize, making light of it by saying he was only playing, reassuring me that if anyone else ever made me cry like that he would hurt them. Next came the verbal abuse, I was called every name under the sun. Then the physical abuse started. Nothing could get any worse right…wrong! I found out that he was having an affair. And even though I had endured all of the pain from the mental, verbal and physical abuse this pain was unbearable. But what I didn’t know was that I hadn’t even experienced the worst of it. That would come the day that the other woman called our home to tell me that they were trying to concieve a baby because he told her that I couldn’t have any. I felt like dying right at that moment. I was listening to the words that I had confided in my husband come out of the mouth of the woman that he was cheating with. You would think that after all of this I left him right…wrong again. He left me. After convincing me that he had made a mistake and wanted to make things right I stayed. In reality all he was doing was getting everything stable on the “other side of town”, as he was pretending that he had changed and I was believing that he had. The day that he left he kissed me good-bye, told me that he loved me and would see me in couple of days, our kids kissed me and said “bye mommy”. Something in my gut told me he was leaving me but I refused to believe it. That was the last time I saw my family. He left me for her.

    Even as I am typing these words, I’m crying because it still hurts. But I know that I am getting stronger, because now I am able to share this with others. I know the pain that you are feeling and trust me when I say that I know at times it seems unbearable, but each day will get easier. I haven’t found happiness yet but I have faith that it is out there. Faith is believing in what you cannot see.

  166. sally says:

    hello, i was with my boyfriend for 6 years and was pregnant with my son who is now 1 and a 4 year old daughter when i found out he was cheating on me for a year while i was pregnant. i kicked him out as soon as i found out and he went to live with this homewreaker and her two kids, this is turly the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. how does a man cheat on his pregnant girlfriend. its just real hard doing it all on my own.

  167. Cynthia Shear says:

    HI, I wanted to share my story on here…I met this guy two years ago he was living in a camper, no job, no vehicle, no driver’s license……. big red flag…right? I ignored it becausee I was lonely hurt from a previous relationship and desperate. He moved in with me along with his twelve year old son. We had problems one after another he raped me twice while he was drunk and was abusive as well when he was drunk…….He would always cry and apologize so I would forgive him. Well 7 weeks ago we had a fight one of many……. he left and moved in with my neighbor and her three kids…….. I know I am so much better off without him but it hurt pretty bad for a while. But I have made changes in my life and learned important lessons. The best thing about a break up is getting your life back and realizing that you made a bad judgement and you can learn from the mistakes you make. I will always trust my gut feeling about a man now. I will not ignore warning signs.

  168. Lynn says:

    My husband announced a couple of months ago that he would be leaving. We were married for 30 years. Through some strange sequence of events he admitted to me that he was in love with a women he met online and that they were going to be moving in as soon as he could find an apartment for them (including her 2 kids) We have 2 children as well, and he has never been involved in thier lives, although he has always lived under the same roof. In alot of ways I cannot wait for him to leave so I can start to heal. He is still living with us because the “love of his life” lives 3 hours away. I have been told to be happy that I am rid of him (he is verbally abusive) but I cannot afford to stay in my house. Our kids are in their 20s and are still in school and really not able to financially assist me yet. I am trying to look forward, but the idea of my children having to drop out of school so close the finishing, and incurring so much debt makes me sick. I just need him to contribute to the financial end of the household for another year or so.

  169. Valerie says:

    2 nights ago my husband announced that we needed time apart and when i asked why and starting crying, he quickly started packing his clothes and then told me he was done. I begged him to stay til after the holidays and he said nope I am done…….i didn’t know until after he left that he had drained our bank account and left .02 in there right before all the bills were due to be paid. i am so hurt and i can not stop crying.

  170. Fran Green says:

    My 75 year old husband left me for a prostitute who is 15 years younger than he is. She works from a casino bingo room. Whatever does she want from him? $$$$$$$ He is without conscience and she probably is also. I didn’t know how unhappy I was until he left. I’m sad because of all the years we had together are lost. I don’t know how I will cope but I know I will.

  171. Valerie says:

    My husband has met another woman. This happened months ago. I have been hospitalized, gone to therapy, spent time with friends but I feel so tore up inside. It will not go away. I suppose I will always have some kind of love for him but I can never trust him again and don’t want him back. I hate what he has done to our lives. I live with my sister as I cannot stand to be alone. He still thinks we are best friends. I am civil to him but that is as far as I can take it. I am just so tired of feeling this way, of crying, shaking, not eating for gorging myself. I have never been hurt this bad.

  172. Dear Mia,

    I have no answers – I can’t believe your husband left you for another woman and only texted you. It’s devastating, and I don’t know how he could do that.

    I think men who leave their wives do feel bad — I have to believe that they bad about the pain they caused. I think that’s why your husband texted you, because he couldn’t bear to face you in person and say he’s leaving for another woman. It’s cowardly and weak, but I think it shows that he does feel ashamed and guilty.

    Thank you for sharing your experience here. I hope your heart heals faster than you expect, and that you soon experience the happiness and joy you deserve.


  173. Mia says:

    I too am having so much trouble coming to terms with my recent break up. We had been together for 4 years and I believed it was a Forever relationship. I had no idea he thought otherwise. He never indicated he was unhappy or didn’t love me. He often said he loved me and we often spoke about our future together. Then 3 weeks ago, out of nowhere he text me to say he didn’t feel the same and I did. A text message! I phoned him to clarify the meaning of it all and he just said he didn’t know where he was at. Soon after I found out his was having an online emotional affair on FB. With an old school friend from 30 years ago. She is in a relationship as well. They spoke about their desires, what could have been, what should have been and what they would like to have happen. I don’t understand nor does any of it make sense. He has cut me out of his life like I never existed, so cold hearted. He was unable to come face to face with me and on the occasion we had to he couldn’t even look at me. I have my days where I feel ok but the majority I just exist. The pain is such a physical feeling, like your heart has been ripped out through your chest. Do they not feel bad for how they have treated you? Do they feel upset for the loss of the relationship as well? Do they feel hurt too? It does feel like he got off lightly and doesn’t care for the trauma he left behind.

  174. Dear Ann,

    I’m so sorry to hear about how your husband left you. That’s unbelievable, that he could just walk out! He must be too scared or unable to face you, to tell you to your face that he wanted to leave.

    I wish you all the best as you heal, and I hope you find the right people and resources to support you.


  175. ann says:

    My husband left last Friday. No word or anything. Just vanished. I was worried sick. Called around to friends and family and no one had heard anything. Finally, he called his family on Monday night to let them know he was okay. Did he ever call me? No. he still hasn’t called me and it’s now been a week. I wanted him to leave. he was mean to my children and I was foolishly going to pick him over my daughter. She turns 18 next month and wanted to move out because he was so mean. I was going to let her. I mean him leaving was a blessing. I had already told him that I thought he and I had run our course. But just to leave and not say a word. His last words to me were, Love You, while I walked upstairs to go to bed. He cracked me on the backside like he always did and said Love You. i just can’t wrap my head around the fact that he just left without saying a word. He also left to go to another woman he found on facebook in another state. I had never stopped loving him but I had stopped liking him. It’s for the best but just to not say a word. We had been with each other for 10 years. That’s what I’m having trouble with.

  176. Kyra says:

    My husband of only 3 1/2 years left me for a co-worker. He was her mentor at work. They’ve been texting for months and I asked him to stop. Recently I found a prepaid phone and found all her text messages. He said he loves her, wants to be with her and wants a divorce. I’m 42 years old. Going through infertility. We have donor eggs that are fertilized. I just had a miscarriage of twins a week before he began sleeping with this woman. I feel so lost. My chances of becoming a mother feel like it’s slipping away.

  177. jackie says:

    I read all the stories,and am happy to know that i am not alone. My husband left me on April 4,2011. he said he was tired of being routine, boring, not having any money and he only wanted to think about himself for once. we have been married for 18 years have 3 teenage children. He sid he was tired of diving the kids and going to work, he said he couldn’t go out, had no friends. he told me he lost it for me, he didn’t love me, doesn’t miss me, doesn’t want me home when he is there and he doesn’t want to come home or be in this house, said i turned the kids against him, that’s the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with his kids. He said i m the reason we have debt, i didn’t carry my weight financially. He started staying out later and later saying he had so much to do at the resturant. since he has been gone he i have been in so much pain, crying all the time. i now work 2 jobs, six days a week twelve hour shifts because he doesn’t help me with anything. i have to pay college tuition for my 2 boys, and my daughter is in her senior year and i pay her tuition plus all the other expences by myself. I have been running a lot, trying to keep focused on my life and my children. its been almost 6 months and when i think i am getting better the crying and pain starts again. his mother got him an apartment 3 weeks after he left and paid his rent for him. he turned 40 years old in august. he text my kids maybe once a month if that. he talks to me as if we both wanted this. i feel betrayed, hurt, lost, angry, pissed off. only to know this dude can care less about me and my kids. my son told me about a month after he left that he had been texting some 20 year old waitress he works with before he moved out. i asked him about it he lied of course. why does it hurt so much, he got over me very quickly. i think about him sleeping with that girl and it tears me apart inside. all i do is cry. i want him to feel my pain and hurt. i want him to get back what he has done to my kids and me. i will never understand how someone could be so cruel and heartless.

  178. amber says:

    I need some help because i am literally dying inside. We have been married for over 10 years and we have three kids. I found pictures onn a phone that I never even seen before. Supposedly is one of his “work” phones. Some were nude but the ones that hit me hardest were just the little daily life ones, I think I could handle if he had a one night stand but I can’t handle being cheated on emotionally like this, it is a full blown affair. When I confronted him he got mad at me and basically said I was crazy. This girl is someone I used to know, so I recognize her. He ofcourse denies, denies, denies. I do love him so much and now he says he has been thinking about divorcing for quite some time now, (newsflash for me) because he can’t “handle” my moods, etc. I am heartbroken that he is choosing all of this over me and the kids, I just don’t get it. My heart is literally broken, as of right now we haven’t split yet, this all happened yesterday. Please give me some advice of how to stop all this hurt I feel and all the tears. I just can’t believe he doesn’t love our family like I do.

  179. Beth says:

    Deb…I am sorry you are dealing with that situation. I know that is tough. My ex left me 15 months ago, we divorced 9 months ago and he married his new wife 3 weeks ago. We all work together. I know it is hard to hold your head up and deal with that every day. There are times when you feel that no one notices or cares but that is not true and don’t let yourself go there. You are strong and wonderful and you can get through this. Keep your mind & feelings on what is going with you – not what is going w/them. You can get through this regardless of the outcome. Take care of yourself.

  180. Kelly says:

    Deb….I am so sorry!
    I agree you need to get out of that job, but in todays economy, who can do that? I just don’t get it, it is like we have a whole generation of men, who do not understand the commitments they have made and that you just don’t break a marriage, I recently read that divorce laws were written by men and therefor support their desire to simply up and run! Blessings to you and your family!

  181. Deb says:

    My husband was texting other women, we talked about it and I asked him to stop. Mentioned how inappropriate it was and that I wasn’t comfortable with it. Our fight escalated to him moving out. I thought it was a breather and that things would work out, he told me later that he never planned on coming back which was a huge shock since he was telling me he loved me and said we would work things out. It turns out now that he is with one of the women he was texting- who just happens to be my coworker as well. When he talks to me and texts me if feels like things are normal. Then reality hits hard when I remember he’s never going to put his arms around me and kiss me again. I can’t figure out how to get back to living my life, I’m so confused, I can’t stay working at this job. I feel like she’s taking my life away from me. Another thing is that she’s a counsellor for our area, she’s suppose to help our community and feel like she’s just ripping my family apart.

  182. Kelly says:

    What is going on with men today, my husband moved in with another woman two weeks ago, I have a one year old and a four year old, he feels that the six weeks notice he gave me was sufficient…in view of the fact that we made a lifetime commitment, there is no amount of notice appropriatte in this situation! I feel like there is an attack on marriage, it is just rediculous to read that there are all these women out there going through the same thing and experiencing a level of devasation that is enough to make a person break! I unfortunelty sourced the length of this relationship this past weekend back two years…it started on FACEBOOK! I had what was the worst weekend of my entire life, I feel and felt as though my life and heart have been shattered and all the oxygen sucked out of my lungs. I don’t understand how anyone can do this to a person who they committed their life too before god and everyone…I don’t understand how anyone can stand next too you upon the birth of their first child and tell you they love you so much and then just leave you…I don’t understand how a man could say, “marriage is forever baby…” and then have the nerve to just choose someone else…it is a DEVASTATION

  183. Dear Vangie,

    I don’t think you should wait for your husband to return. I’m so sorry that you’re pregnant, and have 2 kids to support. That’s a difficult situation to be in. No wonder you can’t stop crying…especially since the pregnancy hormones are making you even more sensitive!

    Please reach out to your community for support. I don’t know where you are, but many cities and towns have free resources for single moms, such as mommy and me support groups, single parents support groups, social services, etc. You need to start learning how to rely on yourself, and not sit and wait for your husband to return. I think you need to learn how to be strong and courageous.

    Here’s an article that may help. I wrote it for another reader, but I think it’s meant for you, too.

    When You Can’t Stop Loving a Man Who Doesn’t Want You

    How are you doing these days? Feel free to come back anytime and let me know.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.


  184. Dear Alayne,

    I’m sorry to hear that your husband left. It sounds like you had a very rocky marriage, and your life revolved around him. Your identity and reason for living was through him, which is partly why it’s so hard to survive the breakup.

    Give yourself time to heal. And, I encourage you to start figuring out what you want from your life — besides your husband! Try to untangle your self-identity from who you were as a wife. I think you need to rebuild your life so you can be happy again.

    I wrote this article for you:

    When You Can’t Stop Loving a Man Who Doesn’t Want You

    And, I wrote this article for another reader, but I think you should read it, too!

    Do You Feel Insecure and Unsure in Your Relationship? 5 Solutions

    You need to rebuild your self-confidence and self-esteem. Being left for another woman is a very difficult blow to recover from, and it takes time and effort to heal, but I know you can do it!

    I hope these articles help, and welcome your thoughts here or there.


  185. Loren says:

    Tamarin: I have just been through the exact same thing: I have a one year old been with boyfriend for 4 years fell pregnant at 17 he wanted my son and said he would settle down with me and that he loved me. Split up with me when I was pregnant had to move out of his mothers house where we lived together, he drank alot used drugs etc. Carried on doing the same then 9 weeks before we actually split up it all stopped! He moved in with me behavied the doting father and boyfriend. Stopped drinking the lot!! Then one the 1st July when on a lads day out ( it ended up 3 days) came back and broke up with me!! announced he had a new gf a week later an completely cut me out of his life!! He sees my son four hours a week I can’t believe it happened and I was a mess when we broke up since then I have seen a therpist who has helped me so much I attend a self help group every Wednesday !! Still feel alot of guilt and confusion! And rejection! But I couldn’t have pulled through without my therapist ladies if u aren’t coping please get professional help! All my love to u all I put up with so much crap and took h back everytime I honestly though he loved me!!! Any thoughts why he did this? I gave up my life for him and our son xxx

  186. I’m behind in writing articles – and am very sorry about that! I’m doing my best to catch up as soon as I can. This one’s for Pam…

    Dear Pam,

    I’m so sorry to hear your husband left you for a woman you thought was in the past. That is devastating, and I’m so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    I wrote this article for you:

    Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce

    I hope it helps, and urge you to remember how healing journaling is. Writing can help you cope with breakup pain, heartache, and devastation. Feel free to share your thoughts here, if you’d like. It’s a safe place to be yourself.


  187. vangie says:

    hi!, i read all the articles, and im enlighten with all the openion.
    my situation now is very difficult,,yes were not yet married but we have kids one is 7 and the other one is 2, he left last august 4 because of non since reason, we wants to be free that is what he says, but i cant accept it because as of now im 3 months pregnant and he will left me?.. i felt so disperate why he is like that…i cant accept it untill always crying . i love him so much… what should i do? should i wait for him to come back?.. i need him.. god help me.

  188. Alayne says:

    I’ve read so many different posts and websites to try and find a cure for my broken heart. At times I find myself feeling more confident after reading all these articles but then I go back to being lonely. I’ve been married for 13yrs and have 4 beautiful children. I met my husband at a very young age we held hands at 12yrs of age my goodness but the minute I seen him I knew he was the one however along the way he didn’t feel the same and we went through many rough patches. I am now 34yrs old and he’s left about a month ago. I have no friends because I’ve lost them along the way. I’ve tried getting back in contact with old friends from school and even tried to hang out with a couple of them however unfortunately they weren’t very healthy people to be around. People change and sometimes not for the good. I have no family support never had. Sometimes I’m able to engolf myself with the love of my children but at other times I need something more. I’ve always dreamed of growing old together as a complete family and never having a broken home. I came from a broken home and it wasn’t something I ever wanted for my own children. I love my husband so much and don’t understand how it can be so easy to walk away from everything we have. He’s cheated on my twice before but we always seemed to work things out however I don’t think I ever forgave him or forgot therefore I know I to played a huge part of our distruction. The first week or two we had very little contact because he has a very demanding work schedule but he did make arrangments to see the kids. After he left we met to discuss why he left because I just felt I needed some answers for closure. We hit it off really well that night and began to flirt and feel sort of differently and he became confused. We both agreed that maybe we aren’t ready to sign any divorce papers but he admitted he felt pressure to make a decision to either come back or sign papers. I told him why don’t we just stop where we are at and just enjoy each others company and so that is where we left it. After that we got together a few more times almost like going on a date and each time we meet up we seem to enjoy each other. I don’t want to pressure him to making any decisions but I feel like I’m losing him the longer we stay apart. At times I fight with myself to not text him or call him to see if he will call first but after a day of waiting I can’t seem to fight it and I give in and text. Sometimes he responds quickly and at other times I get delayed responses or none at all. He always sticks to our plans but if I don’t ask him I don’t think he’d ask me. He struggles with finding the words to say to me sometimes and I feel like he wants to ask me something but then doesn’t. Sometimes he stares at me and I can feel it but I look away because I don’t want him to see the real hurt in my eyes I want him to think I’m doing just fine. Right now he’s out of town on business and well I’m struggling to do this on my own. He is the only boyfriend/husband/man that has ever been in my life. I’ve never experienced anything other then him and I’m just falling apart inside however I’m good about faking it around my children and co-workers. If I had support from family and friends it would make it so much easier especially when my children are with him and I’m left alone in my own home! I’ve tried so many different things like art,working out, reading and yes it does help for a bit but the loneliness and heartbreak never goes away. Most of the people I do know are his friends wives and well they are engolfed in their own family. I feel like my life is going backwards instead of forward. Freinds that were single are now happy and in relationships or starting their own family and well mine is ending! I feel so old to be single and with 4 children! I’ve tried to look up womens groups to mingle with or other groups in my area only to find there is absolutely nothing close to my area other then dating websites! ughh sleezy ones at that!

  189. Tamarin Wells says:

    Ive read every post above and whilst all I want is to move on Im struggling. I have read every article thats possibly written on this subject and Im still a mess.

    I have been with my partner 11 years from a young age, We have a 2 year old. He cheated on me with a much older married woman, it took months for me to get him to admit it. I moved out and in the space of 6 weeks, he has slept with various woman. But now he claims to have met his true love. He claims he will change for her as she is such a beutifull person. I feel let down, that I gave gim 11 years and he couldnt change for me and our baby, but can chage for another woman and her child. I want to move on, but I still desperatelly love him despite what he has done. He put me down over the years and I am not sure why he wouldnt do the same to her. Its so hurtfull to hear he could love someone in just 2 weeks of meeting them.

    I hear what has been said that its not about me and My faults and Im sure she does have weeknesses, I wanted him to suffer a bit before he fell in love.

    The only thing keeping me going is the hope of finding love myself and the hope that he has made a huge mistake jumping into this relationship. I fear he will not be supporting our child when he starts a new familly with her and her child.

  190. Diane says:

    My husband cheated on me with a “girl” around the same age as his daughter. This has been going on for a year, I tried to make it work and do everything right but he kept blaming me and saying that I neglected him. He left for 7 weeks, came back said it was over but it really wasn’t. He still loved her, kept in contact. She is on disability from work since January because of a burnout caused by him leaving her for me (how ironic). I finally decided I couldn’t take it anymore not being up to his standards and him still loving her. As soon as I was out the door, she came right through the front door basically. I sold him my share of the house and now she is living my life basically. They travel with “our” camper on weekends and spend lovely holidays such as going to New Brunswick next week.
    I will never understand how a 45 year-old man can hook up with a 26-year old “girl” from work, when his daughter is 23 and expecting her 2nd child, so he is a grandfather of a 7-year old and another one on the way in 2 months. Of course he doesn’t want to have any more kids and at some point she will and it won’t work out but still she stole my life and they are just laughing behind my back about it.
    After 14 years I never thought this could happen; he is the 2nd man out of 3 men in my life that has cheated on me.
    I no longer believe in the word trust

  191. Pam says:

    My husband of nearly 24 years left me in April of this year. I was on vacation with my sisters and came home to find him gone and much of our household moved out with him. I had no idea this was coming. He had an affair nearly 10 years ago, but when I would confront him, he told me that was over. Amazingly, he moved right into her home. So, I guess it really never was over.
    I have 2 grown daughters that are also devestated, but are my rock right now. I am completely devestated and some days I just don’t know how to go on. I am so happy to find this site and know that I am not the only woman dealing with this pain. How do I get passed this pain, hurt and anger and move on?

  192. Zory says:

    My husband of 17 years left me to a married woman. He told me he no longer love me on 4/26/11 and I asked him if he has another woman and he told me no. He left the house on 5/26/11. Between 4/26/11 through 5/26/11 we had sex three times and he was seeing her behind my back. I found out two weeks ago from his mistress husband that they been talking, texting and seeing each other since March 21, 2011. We were plainging to buy another new house. Lately, he wants to break up with his mistress and come back with me and if he does not work out with me then he return back to her. He told me that he loves her, but I found out that from three people that he loves both of us. I told him I will never go back with him. Enough is enough. We have a son with special needs. This is not his first affair. Last week I thought I love him we had sex and I told his mistress and she forgave him, because she love him so much and I found out she’s very controlling and checks his texts and his phone call. He’s lost and someone gain. He’s still confused and now it’s late.

  193. Angel says:

    My husband and I hit a rocky road 2 years ago. We had been married for 13 years. He had never been a very involved husband or father. His main role was working and coming home to watch ESPN, staying up all hours of the night. It was common for me to sleep alone every night. I found out that he had an addiction to pornography, which was keeping him on the computer and out of the bedroom. I always felt this was just “marriage” and I should get use to it, I didn’t know about his addiction. I was willing to help him through it. I made some mistakes and confided in another man to gain knowledge, broke my husband’s trust but never went outside the vows of my marriage. From that moment he became controlling of me….where I was, what I was doing, who I was with. At the same time he was becoming emotionally unstable with our son, demeaning him, making him feel like “dirt”. His father passed away and he snapped, he became extremely controlling and I couldn’t handle it any longer. I confided in a mutual male friend and things continued to get worse. He moved out, accused me of an affair, I wanted him to see his errors, come back home and rebuild hope. It never happened. Long story short….he had been having a friendship with a girl during our seperation ( I had one with a man ), the difference is my friend would have walked away if it was going to save my marriage, he wanted it to work out for me to get my family back. However, now he has told me that he has moved on and is in a relationship and so should I….3 months after our divorce. I’m hurting and it doesn’t seem to stop. He had told me he would always love me and as long as we were alive there would be hope. My hope has died and I don’t under stand anything.

  194. MJ says:

    I came across the writing below by Dr. Offra Gerstein in the early stage of my separation. In many ways it describes my experience as someone who is abandoned by her spouse for another woman. It helped me tremendously as it made me understand that I was not insane and I was not the bad wife as my ex depicted. Here is a link to her writings if you want to read more about her articles on marriage, families, and parenting .

    When a man leaves a woman

    The partner who gets involved with another person is beleaguered by guilt. To justify his or her socially and morally unacceptable conduct s/ he may develop a five tiered process.

    S/he first demonizes the spouse, rewrites the history of their union in negative terms, and depicts him/herself as a victim and the mate as a persecutor. This partner then moves to punishing the spouse for the alleged unforgivable acts. S/he then seeks approval from others and even his partner for being “forced” to exit the marriage. The last phase of restoring balance, whereby a normalized or a civil relationship is created, may or may not be achieved in every case.

    If you have been a participant in this divorce pattern, or know someone who did, you are fully aware of the emotional turmoil involved. Whether the leaving spouse is a man or a woman, the left mate
    experiences a hellish nightmare. I’ll depict the emotional stages of a left wife, which are similar to those of an abandoned husband. These reactions are often reported to me in the form of sequential questions.

    The demonizing process produces feelings of shock and dismay. “How could my partner betray me in the worse possible way? Not only did he have an affair that violated the marriage vows, but he compounded the betrayal by accusing me of causing it. Not only did he blame me for the failure of the marriage, but he also resorted to defaming my character. How could he believe that I am such an evil being after having loved me for years? How could he be so callous and insensitive toward the children by
    depicting their mother in the worse possible light to justify his own immoral conduct?”

    The rewriting history is a major violation of the mate’s reality. “How could he have been so miserable for twenty years without my awareness? Or worse, could all the joy I recall be a figment of my imagination? If things were truly that offensive to him, why did he not complain, and not request change or seek help?”

    “Being punished for creating his misery is a mind-boggling state. He started an affair, lied, deceived, violated trust and his commitment, started fights to escape from home and ultimately decided to leave the family and – I need to be punished? How unjust is this? Not only do I lose my whole life structure, but I am also seen as a greedy enemy? Please, somebody help me understand how my whole reality became so skewed?”

    “To make things even more bewildering, he expects me to admit my wrongdoings, take full responsibility for the marriage failure and give him empathy for “his suffering”? I am also left with the task of
    preserving his dignity in the children’s eyes while helping them with their anger, confusion and pain. In doing so, I am further accused of turning the children against him. What?”

    “If all this isn’t enough emotional torture, he now demands that I accept his other woman and rejoice in his well-deserved happiness. It is my task to help the children embrace her and welcome her into the fold.
    Since when did I select her entry into our lives? Does she deserve kudos for participating in the break-up of our marriage? How did I get assigned the job of welcoming a woman who stole my husband?”

    Just reading this scenario is sufficiently painful, imagine living it? Those who have gone through this trauma describe it as “crazy making”. Such severe and emphatic distortion of their reality causes left mates to doubt their sanity. Recovery from this profound trauma is slow.

    What can a left partner do under these circumstances?

    ® First realize that all these five phases serve the leaving partner-
    and have little to do with you.

    ® Understand that this process is your partner’s tragic way of dealing
    with guilt. His or her perceptions are the reconstructed ones.

    ® Marriages are not unions between “angels” and “devils”. Your partner’s
    lack of any culpability is a clear sign of misdirected adaptation.

    ® Talk with people who can affirm your view of the marriage history,
    interactions and your worthy personality.

    ® Reassure yourself that you are sane and that the reality you are fed
    is created for your partner’s self- exoneration.

    ® Surround yourself with people who love and affirm you.

    ® Remember that every parent earns his or her separate relationship with
    the children. Your youngsters will ultimately process these events

    ® This nightmare will end! With time, the healing will come, you will
    laugh and love again and the sun will soon shine brightly upon you.

  195. MJ says:

    I am so glad I found this forum. I was in Superior Court 3 months ago.

    Our relationship was already dead in the water. Now I am free. This was my second breakup (two spousal relationships of 14 years).

    I can tell you wonderful women … it will only get better. The worst is behind you. The only way to get through it is to go through it.

    If and when you find a new love, take heart … this will be a new journey and your ex-spouse will have gone on to be his usual fool.

    Somebody once suggested that the best ‘revenge’ you could have is to live a happy life. Take hold of your best spirit … you’ll be fine.

  196. Jean says:

    Mine left just over 2 years ago after 25 yrs of marriage and together for 30 years. I had felt a lot of resentment over a lot of things and had begun to distrust him. Instead of going to couples couselling, he ended up having an affair with a 28 year old, moved out for a ‘trial separation’and did not come back! He left her because she wanted a baby and is now with a 25 year old. I have been through all the emotional hell, the questions and the loneliness. My grown up children never wanted to meet the first woman and this one is their age, so don’t imagine they are that keen to meet her either. He is still their father though and they still love him, so must be allowed to keep him in their lives.
    I was depressed but managed to pick myself up, made new friends,and have done things I would never have done before because it was all about him. You have to go through all those awful stages and it has taken nearly 3 years, but I am just about ready to start the divorce. Just take each day as it comes and only do what you can, and always accept invitations even if you don’t really want to go. Its hard not to think of him with the other woman, but you will only make yourself ill – cry and shout, and keep a diary to let emotions out- but also get up every day and make yourself look good! Try to volunteer for something as it makes you feel good about yourself and may lead to new friends. By having an affair they show a complete lack of respect for themselves and for us…and we are better than that. Be strong x

  197. lynn says:

    I’ve been divorced almost a year, but my ex mentally checked out several years before that, blocking out me and the kids. Since the divorce was final, my ex has come back to me and said he was an idiot, he should have never left, he is sorry, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The problem? He secretly married someone else.

    He says they have run up so much debt since he married her that he can’t leave, but says he is working on it. He says he fights with her all the time, but can’t risk making her mad because of money.

    I can’t cut him out of my life – it would be too hard on the kids. He’s a better dad than he’s been in years. I can’t stand the current situation. I can’t move on with my life. I have prayed and prayed for the strength to block him from my heart and mind. Each time I think I’m strong enough, he is nicer and more open and honest than ever.

    On one hand I think I have got it great, a man who loves me and helps with the kids and around our house but the freedom to do what I want. On the other hand I boil with anger every time I think about my kids having anything to do with her.

  198. drea says:

    My fiance and I were together for 8 years on his birthday he tells me he’s going to his brothers house and does not come back for a week he don’t answer my phone calls I don’t know where he was finally I grabbed all my things out of our apartment and moved back in with my parents this was march 6 I tried calling him a couple of times and looking for him all he would do is hide from me until one day I found out he had to move out of the apt cuz he had no job and him and his new girlfriend were living in his grandmas garage so I found all this out thru his mom cuz he’s to much of a coward to face me he sent me 2 messages since then and one of them was to call me a hoe the sad part is were 31 were not little kids I cut all ties with him but when I get messages like that from him it brings my progress down and I get depressed again why does this man keep trying to hurt me?……when is this going to stop?

  199. Laura says:

    I really don’t know what to say, except I’m so sorry.

    My husband left Wednesday a week ago, after 32 years for a 29 y.o. woman (he’s 54, our son is 27). He told me on that Wednesday that he loved me, and being elsewhere was not what he wanted. But when the young lady called and I realized that he had had a pizza delivered to her place out he had to go.

    His not being in the home does allow me to scream and holler, yet, also not think about who he is on the phone with; why when I leave for work he leaves shortly thereafter; and, all the unnecessary thoughts.

    It’s what I tell myself that makes me feel the worse…that now he’ll help her around the house (not with me), pay her bills (he stopped paying our mortgage, etc.); that they only have to focus on being lovers without responsibilities. One other thing that I think that makes me sad is why as another “woman” she would call my mobile, then not speak up…that she wouldn’t at least want him to take care of his family responsibilities; and that why would she be a part of inflicting hurt on another woman.

    He missed a visit with our son now that he’s moved out, and this is a time in his life where he wants and needs his fathers’ support more than ever. groan…

    So, the take away is: it’s not the event but what we think about the event that hurts the most. He or she left, but in our head we have that individual leaving over and over. Visualize a STOP sign :)

  200. sue says:

    I have been married 16 years been with him for 22 years. very young and of course after kids, job changes and focus on everything else but us we were more friends than a couple. We still had a very healthy sex life which never died but just lived like roommates with benefits. My husband I always thought was the most honest trust worthy person I have ever known. But not getting that emotional part and losing that spark, that look that I love you so much because we get too busy. Now he has fallen for another. He is so conflicted but I don’t know what to do. We tried seeking help, he moveed out for a few weeks only to see her. He said she isn’t the problem, we always had the problem but how can we fix “us” if he is thinking or being with her? He wants to be in love with me again but then am I just dragging things along and letting myself get hurt even more. He doesn’t know what he wants but I am afraid if I let him go, he will not be back. Am I better off? My heart hurts, my soul is weeping, my everything is almost gone. He said maybe leaving temp. he can figure things out but to me that is saying goodbye. I guess why would I want someone to stay with me if they don’t love me?

  201. DebbieS says:

    I can completely identify with some of these post – two weeks ago my husband of 23 years said he was no longer ‘in love’ along with other cliches such as ‘its not you its me……’

    Since then he has taken some of his stuff and he says he is staying with a work freind and wont give the address.

    For the past couple of months he has been withdrawn, moody, drinking heavily, made snide remarks but when i asked him are you having an affair, do you still want to be here and do you still love me – he said everything was fine. The last straw was on holiday three weeks ago when i had asked him the above questions again, got the same response but he wasnt right. On coming back i had to force him to talk to me, he was very defensive and said the above…

    I am finding it hard to believe that there is no one else involved due to suspious behaviour, high phone bills etc; but he is maintaining there isn’t anyone, he hasnt had an affair and there isnt anyone waiting for him……..

    The pain i feel is for many reasons – i loved him, spent my whole adult life with him and still feel the explanation he has given is empty. After trying everything to get him to talk to me i have agreed to back off and let him get his head and life together.

    I have another dilema though – my sister told me in confidence that he had made a pass at her best freind and another freind told me he has been taking holidays from work and not telling me….. Up to now i havent told him i know about these….

    Do i continue to fight or just cut all ties with a man i really don’t know anymore…..

  202. Janey says:

    Sadly, I am identifying with all of these posts. I have been married for 22 yrs, we were together for 25. Our marriage was far from perfect, but I did think it was forever. I trusted him–this was a man who I always thought had high integrity and morals and is loyal and honesty. I came to find out that he is none of the above. I think that is another layer of the pain and disorientation: that I thought I knew him, but he is really a stranger. I’m haunted by the past years of lies, the times when I said to him “let’s go to couples therapy” and he made excuses why it was too inconvenient; the times when I said i felt threatened by his ‘friendship’ with her, and he used our teenage kids to “cover up” (don’t tell me I went skiing with ‘other woman’ she’d be pissed). To top it all off, she is 23 yrs younger than him, he was her mentor and they are “in love” after many years of friendship when he would barely want to spend time with me. I gave up my career to “follow” him around the country for his dream job, which is where he met her. He dropped the bomb (I don’t love you any more) on April 9th, and continues to live in our house AND see her because telling the kids this spring would have interfered with their final exams (one is in college, the other a sophmore)–and we couldn’t let our daughter take her trip overseas with this news on her shoulders. I’d asked him many times if he was having a ‘relationship’ with “her” and he continued to lie and deceive until I found “evidence.” I dread the middle of the summer when all must be told. I’ve never felt such devastation and loss.

  203. Maureen says:

    I understand what Sheri wrote. My husband just came clean today that he still loved the woman he had been in contact with this past year – his old high school girlfriend. We went through this a few months ago – and talked about many things and as he said he wanted to work things out, we started fresh. Things seemed to be going well, but I discovered accidentally today that he had a second phone for which she is paying. -I am 43 and we have been married for 18 1/2 years with three children – the youngest of which is 12.
    I had thought we would grow old together and now I feel so lost – I haven’t worked regularly in years – it just feels so overwhelming and I feel so betrayed. He gave me no indication of what was still going on -by long-distance phone as we are many states away. I know I just need to get through the immediate future – and make sure our children are okay as we sort things out – and I find a job. I am not anywhere near my family and I know I need some support.

  204. swarna says:

    hi i am a woman of age 35. my husband is falling for his colleague in his office for whom he is changing not only his behaviour but his physical appearance as well. he is not happy the days when he is at home. but he never confessess this to me since the lady he is after is also a married woman. i don’t know what to do.

  205. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Sheri,

    I am so sorry that life has kicked you in the teeth like this! It’s devastating when husbands leave — but on your anniversary? What a shock.

    My first thought is that you need to get out of the house. Volunteer, find a part-time job, take classes — find somewhere that you have to be. The worst thing to do is stay home and drown in the reminders of how your life was.

    The second thing I think you should do is find a support group of some sort. I don’t know what’s available in your city or town, but I encourage you to find women to bond with and gain strength from.

    And, here are two articles that may help:

    Best Ways to Cope With a Personal Crisis — I wrote it specifically for you.

    How to Get Past Surviving an Affair to Thriving and Happy — contains advice from women whose husbands had affairs, and who didn’t just survive the break up, but found good in it.

    Let me know how you’re doing and how it goes if you take any of my tips…


  206. Sheri says:

    This is extremely new to me. I didn’t see it coming. I feel blindsided and betrayed in a way that words cannot describe.

    On Thursday, we celebrated our 11 year anniversary together. That night he told me he was leaving me for another woman whom had already bought him a plane ticket and he was leaving in the morning. I didn’t even realize he was having any feelings of leaving me since he has ALWAYS said that I am his rock and he couldn’t live without me or the kids. We weren’t arguing, hadn’t had a fight in months and it really has baffled me. I stuck by him through his tour in Iraq and all of the surgeries and stress of PTSD just for him to turn around and blindside me with this. I am still in shock hoping that this is all just a night mare. I know it’s not. It’s only been 4-5 days since he left and I am just now feeling something. It’s painful. Mind blowingly painful.

    I get up in the morning not for me. But for my children who need me. They are what get me through the morning. However when they leave for school. I am left with an empty house where everywhere I look, it’s him. Everything we shared. Everything we have accomplished together. I look at my kids and I see him. I know it will lessen over time. I just want it to be soon so that I can get on with my life.
    I didn’t know I could cry so much and still function.

    I try to put on the “Im ok” face with everyone since i don’t want them to see me this way. I know that they would hover even more. I need my time. I don’t know if I can hear “if there is anything you need…” anymore. Yeah, there is something I need. My husband!! Gonna bring him back? I didn’t think so.

    Ive tried to placate myself with, “You know, if it makes him happy..” blah, blah, blah… but that still doesn’t help.I can’t afford to do anything since he was ALL of the income. We had agreed for me to stay home and care for the kids and home while he worked. Now I’m stuck with nothing but constant reminders.

    I feel like im drowning. Help me.

  207. Dear Mel,

    Thank you for your encouragement for women whose husbands left.

    I’m so glad you were able to see things clearly — and it often takes distance and healing before you can see your relationship and life with clarity!

    You offer some really great tips for surviving a break up here, and I thank you.


  208. mel says:

    being left for another woman by the man you thought you were to spend the rest of your life with is the most painful crisis that you can ever go through. you experience a state of mental anguish, you may find yourself gazing angrily into space for days on end, you may want to lock yourself up and be unable to initiate activity whilst sitting still reminds you of the dead end your dreams have come to. you find yourself obsessing over the man, the things they are doing… the way he is kissing the new woman.. and how happy he is with the new woman, you tell yourself “if only I had done this or that…..” stop right there! no man who leaves you for another woman is worth you changing a single hair on your head for. when i experienced the most painful crisis ever in my life, i thought endlessly of how i could possibly salvage him back, then slowly by slowly as a new dawn emerged, i began to see things more clearly, i realized i had already given way too much.. yet he still left me. it has been three and half years now and time has taught me that no matter how bleak the future looks, the sun will shine again. find a trusted friend to talk to, don’t make the mistake of sitting around waiting for him to realize what he has lost, instead think of what you want in your life, reevaluate the mistakes you made with him and promise to treat yourself better next time. give yourself however long it takes to heal because you don’t want to start a new relationship with emotional baggage and insecurities.

  209. Jellies,

    I’m so sorry that your husband and marriage turned out this way. It sounds like you’re in shock still, and that’s understandable. Sometimes the shock of betrayal and a husband leaving for another woman lasts for months… even years.

    I hope you’re doing better since you wrote. Your comments and question at the very end inspired me to write an article about whether or not marriage is a waste of time.

    Even though your marriage ended this way, I don’t think you gave up everything for nothing. That is, I think your marriage wasn’t a waste of time — you loved, you lived, and you learned.

    In this article, I explain it better:

    I hope the article helps you in some way.


  210. Charline,

    Thank you for sharing your story here. I found your comments so insightful, I had to write about them…

    I know you’ll find the strength and courage to move on…it just takes time to let go. You’ve given yourself the best advice anyone could give you!


  211. charline says:

    On my 6 year anniversary, March 7, 2011 my husband, went to pick up a boat in another part of our state (he transports vehicles) and sent me beautiful flowers and chocolates to my job telling me in his card that me and our boys were his everything (my boys are 2 and 4) and that night when I tried to reach him to say good night and happy anniversary and all that, he had his phone turned off. The next day he finally called me and told me that it was over and he was leaving us. The girl is a 21 year old girl (he is 41) he met that night and so he left us for a young tramp that he does not even know. He has not given me a dime yet and barely calls or talks to the boys and did not come for his sons 4 bday party on March 20. My real problem with all of this is that it is not the first time, but it is my last. Yet he still calls me to help him with things and to get my advice and talks nice to me and makes me feel good and then calls back to tell me that this new girl is helping him and has great ideas about things or he has called twice to tell me that he kicked her out of his truck on the road and they are thru cause she is too young and blah blah blah. All of my friends and family keep telling me to stop taking his calls because all of this is just is abusive and although I agree, I cannot seem to stop. I know that I am the real prize in this relationship and that even if I do not eventually move on with another man, my life will be so much happier and more peaceful without him in it, but it has just happened and I know I will get over it, but right now the pain is truly unbeareable.

  212. Jellies says:

    Happened to me too. The pain is unberable. I spent nearly a decade with im just to watch him walk away. I want to know if they ever regret it or feel guilty about what they have done? I know it doesn’t matter because when someone wnats out, they want out. It’s sad some people think marriages are so disposable. The thing is he pursued me so hard and wanted to rush to get married so I gave in and now…he files for divorce and that’s it–says “Yes” he wants a divorce.
    I pray for the day to come when I dont wake up feeling this huge anchor on m chest, the day where he is a long lost memory or when I think “What in the heck did I see in that guy?”
    How can one person marry someone and then just … leave? I gave him so much of me and helped him out with so many things and for what?

  213. Amylina says:

    It must be real tough to go through that but, God gives peace and will reward you in the end. I believe the bible will comfort you about it especially in the verses where it talks about a spouse leaving another one. God does not like divorce but, one spouse willingly leaves another especially when they have committed adultery, then the blame and sin is on them and you can even remarry. God sees your heart and he will give you back what was lost in due time. Just trust in him always. I will write this to you: “Through God we will do valiantly. Psalm 108:13
    There are two ways of getting out a trial. One is to simply try to get rid of the trial, and be thankful when it is over. The other is to recognize the trial as a challenge from God to claim a larger blessing than we have ever had…. As Peter Marshall once put it, God will not permit any troubles to come upon us, unless He has a specific plan by which great blessings can come out of the difficulty.”

    God Bless !!!!

  214. Oikanne says:

    Dt Dicks

    Thanks Dt.I am glad my words have been of great help to you.Keep well and be strong.All shall be well with time dear,before you even know it,believe me

  215. Oikanne says:


    The woman who takes another woman’s husband shouldn’t flatter herself because it doesnt mean that she is in anyway special,better or superior than that husband’s wife!
    What Laurie stated above is true, No matter how beautiful, successful, slim, or rich their wives are, some husbands will always be unfaithful. Men cheat and leave their marriages for a wide variety of reasons – many of which have nothing to do with their wives…
    Moreover, i once came across this famous words somewhere”You lose the man the same way you got him!”Therefore if this man is leaving his wife for her,definetly he’s gonna leave this lady for another woman again in the future. What will deter him from doing so this time around,which didnt prevent him from doing such in the first time.
    So the woman taking another woman’s man is in for it too!she’s gonna be dumped.

  216. DT MSK says:

    Hi Wekay(Oikanne)
    halelujah to your words

  217. Dee says:

    My husband cheated on me whilst i was pregnant, and ultimately left me and my baby. He cheated on me with his boss who happens to be older than I am, married also and pregnant for her own husband ( she and he are also having problems) Please tell me how do I possibly get over something like that. He never in our entire relationship gave any indication of being this type of person, so it really has left me crushed and to the point where i feel i can’t breathe. If not for my baby, I really don’t know how I would have gone on,but even that sometimes seems not to be enough, as i break down crying at the slightest thing, and I don’t want my baby to see me like this. I’ve tried picking up new activities, which works for the time I’m doing it, but as soon as i am finished, all the pain and hurt comes rushing back. I was a stay at home mom, and he left us, so now I am struggling, and feel as if everything is just too much to bear. How do i get past this?!?! Everyone says time will heal the pain, but time just seems to make it worse!

  218. Ndibo says:

    Oikanne,these are good words but what would you say to a woman who takes another woman’s husband?

  219. Oikanne says:

    Gerry and Laurie

    Thank you very much for your comments.And you Gerry how are holding up?I have no doubt you are almost there!at the end of the recovery process you know.i assume so because your last comment indicated that you were on the right track.Your words were so true and insipiring!

    Some days are more tougher than others,but that doesnt mean you have to lose the fight or hope.Keep on going and be even more tougher yourself. the road to recovery is never smooth believe me!sometimes your spirits are high and you would just say”eish, i have fully recovered, and to hell with him or her!”and sometimes oh gosh you will be reduced to absolutely will be so crashed and feel so so low!Its just a roller coaster journey indeed!so be prepared for the trying days,they are a part of the healing package!So live and enjoy each day my dear.ok!Before you know it,the harsh cruel days will be less and less!

  220. Oikanne says:

    Dear Valerie

    Hi Valerie compliments of the new year,
    I hope the year 2011 will bring you more love and hapiness.
    How are you doing?i hope you time has eased your pain and you have evevtually passed that terrible painful phase of a break-up.Like what Gerry is saying “the most important relationship is your relationship with yourself”.Therefore nobody can ever love you or be there for you more than you can yourself,so only you and you only Valerie can love and be there for yourself unconditionally!

    But hei my words will normally make sense after sometime, after the pain has lessened a lil bit.believe me you are going to be fine. He wont be part of your life, yes but you are going to make it without him.You are going to live through this and eventually see the sunshine or smile again. you just need some time, but like i visit your childhood memories,discover youself,take a journey back through your life since childhood to a point before you met this man.Cherish those sweet moments or littele accomplishments that once made you smile and happy.You once managed and enjoyed life without him…so you still can.and who is he anyway?just a mere humanbeing,a humanbeings are prone to disappoint!

    I understand he was part of your life for such a long time.But you can make it without him.If he can do without you so can you my sister. I know its hard but its possible.

  221. Gerry says:

    Hi, Valerie! I hope you feel better now. Hang in there. Remember he’s just one man. Don’t make your life and happiness depend on him. Take care of yourself.

    I know it’s truly hard to move on when the man you love leaves you for another woman. I too am under the same painful situation. When it happened, it knocked the wind out of me and I felt like my whole world had just collapsed.

    But Tyler Perry’s Aunt Madea said “It’ll get easier when you learn how to love yourself.” Ultimately, it’s going to be a choice between you or him. Choose you. Remember that your most important relationship is your relationship with yourself. You are responsible for your own happiness. Also, time helps.

    I’m still struggling here myself but I’d like to think that the worst is over. There’s nothing really I can do but move on.

    Thanks Laurie and Oikanne! Your words give me comfort and help me live another day. Please keep them coming.

  222. Valerie says:

    Oikanne I hear what you’re saying. But i just can’t get there.
    I still love my husband so much…one day he was here, and the next he was gone.
    I always thought one of our strong poitns was that we’d grown up together. We’ve been through so much together that I thought we could survice anything.
    Now i don’t know how to carry on. I’ve alwasy considered myself a stong, independant woman: and now I can’t breathe.

  223. Oikanne, thank you so much for your comment! You’re very inspiring…and the breakup survival tips you’ve shared will help women think of their breakup and survival in a whole new way.

    “Don’t let them see you crawl….claim your life and happiness.” I love it!

  224. Oikanne Kealotswe says:

    The end of a relationship is one the most cruel and heaviest trial life could ever hands to us.Nothing in life makes sense anymore when someone you love leaves you,especially for someone else.It is like you have lost everything and everything you have been living for comes to an end and becomes meaningless.

    Only time and the power within could help you during this devastating time.Your true self,that is the inner you,is the only tool that can help pull you up.

    One good day,just discover your true self-your inner self,take a journey through your life,from childhood to where you are will see that that man,the lady and the pain they brought into your life are nothing compared to who you!

    You are a very special and unique person.Think about the experiences and things you did,learned and achieved since childhood.It could be simple things like your first experience on learning to do things like swimming,horse riding,reading,gathering wild fruits,anything that you learned and achieved during your childhood.
    Then you proceed to your teen and youth years before you met this man.Believe me this man and that lady are nothing compares to what you went through as you grow up.they can never measure to your own worth adn achievements. They totaly do not know you and you capabilities.They never did those things you did when you were little.they totally do not know what a special and strong person they are messing with.They never received those special upbringing you had.They are just people you met,they were never meant to be part of your life!

    So sister,do not regret and waste your time mourning over that stupid loser and his girlfriend.They just wanna see you down and who the hell are they.Prove them wrong.They are never gonna see you down or crawl my sister.Be strong, claim your life and hapiness back.They are not God or your parents,they are just two strangers whom you happen to meet in life.So dont let them control your life or hapiness.

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