13 Ways to Get Money to Leave Your Husband

How do you leave a bad marriage with no money? Here are 13 ways and three books to help you get money to leave your husband, inspired by a comment from a reader who feels trapped in her relationship.

how to leave your husband with no moneyDivorce: Think Financially, Not Emotionally: What Women Need To Know About Securing Their Financial Future Before, During, and After Divorce by Jeffrey A. Landers will help you create a plan to leave your husband when you have no money. It’s important to start thinking ahead, to figure out how your divorce will unfold.

One of the most important things to deal with pronto is how you feel. If you feel powerless and helpless, you won’t have energy or confidence to work towards getting money to leave your husband.

Here’s what one reader says: “I had two kids was pregnant with my third [while he was sleeping around],” says C. on Should I Leave My Cheating Husband? “I have nowhere to go. I lost my job, and I am trying to finish school. I don’t have money to leave. I don’t know what to do. I am so hurt, scared, sad, angry and just alone now. I have three beautiful kids with him and I hate to think how much this will hurt them. I can’t believe I was a fool and let him do this to me time after time.”

I don’t have magic tips on how to leave a bad marriage with no money. As you can see from the comments below, there are no easy answers! But, one of the first things wives who have no money (or even financially independent women) need to do is start taking control of their lives. You’ll never have enough money to leave your husband without feeling scared or anxious – but you can learn as much as you can about money and your financial future.

13 Ways to Get Money to Leave Your Husband

These tips are all about taking action. If you really want to change your life and leave a guy who doesn’t love or honor you, you need to start moving forward. You can’t get financial support unless you start reaching out for it. Once you start reaching out with a positive mindset, you’ll be shocked at how easily money will come to you.

Here’s what one reader told me she’s doing to earn money to leave her marriage:

  1. Collecting cans and turning them in for cash
  2. Asking my neighbors if they have any odd paying jobs I can do, such as washing windows, weeding gardens, etc.
  3. Taking online surveys to make a few extra bucks a day (about $3, not a huge amount but it helps build my stash)
  4. Every few times I go to the grocery store or Walmart etc, I buy a $5 gift card. Even if can only do $.50 etc do it!
  5. Selling household items on ebay. May only profit $.75 but again, all small steps leads to bigger rewards. kids your kids outgrown clothes etc. You would be amazed at what sells!
  6. Using coupons to get free and store the TP, toothpaste etc in a box or at a friends. Again, little things add up. I have a box of Shampoo, toothpaste, soap, TP, etc ready to go. This will help me when I am starting out and not having to buy and spend what little money I have

Every journey starts with a few small steps – and sometimes the best step is visualizing what you’ll say when you leave your husband (even if you don’t have the money yet!). Read How to Tell Your Husband You Want a Divorce.

How to Get Money to Leave Your Husband7. Speaking of visualization, have you heard about the Secret? Just Ask the Universe: A No-Nonsense Guide to Manifesting your Dreams by Michael Samuels describes how the Secret can help you get money to leave your husband. If your thoughts are clear and in harmony with your mind and the truth of your surroundings, your life can be filled with all the richness the Universe has to offer. This book describes how to achieve personal power to overcome any barrier. If you don’t believe God is “on your side”, you might try this book out.

8. Remember that help is out there – but you have to ask for it. Many financially dependent wives say they have no help, nobody to support them, nobody to go stay with. They may feel that way, but it’s not the truth. How do I know? Because if my neighbor came over and said she has no money to leave her husband and asked me for help, I’d do something. I may not give her money, but I’d help her and her kids in some way.

I also know that wives who feel alone aren’t really alone because my mom was a single parent. She was also schizophrenic, and we moved to new city every six months or so. She had no friends, no money, and a severe mental illness…and yet she managed to find money help! How did she find it? She went to Social Services, to churches, and to my grandma for help. Don’t think of yourself as “trapped” – though I know that if you’re looking for ways to get money to leave your husband, that’s exactly how you feel. Focus on the fact that you WILL get money to leave your husband. It’s just a matter of time and planning. And taking action.

9. Create a plan to leave your marriage – it’ll make asking for financial help easier. Sit down, give the “poor me I have no money to leave my husband” a rest, and put your brains to work. How much money does it cost to feed and educate your kids? Forget about the frills – kids don’t need iPhones, laptops, or video games. Can you stay with family while you save money for your own place? How will you support yourself?

If you have specific plans to leave, you may find it easier to ask for financial help. If you’re asking family for money help, read about loans between family members.

How to Get Money to Leave Your HusbandIf you’re internet-savvy, read books like How to Make Money Online by Mike Omar. You can learn how to make money from home; his book offers a step-by-step plan to build a $5,000 per month – but getting money to leave your husband won’t happen overnight. It will take work.

10. Learn what types of financial support you’re eligible for. Talk to Social Services about financial resources for single parents. Start by calling the office closest to you. If they can’t offer money or other help, ask them for three other numbers to call. Call your church, and talk to your pastor. Don’t just ask for financial and spiritual support; ask for practical resources that can help you leave. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives.

Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. My husband gives money every single time because he knows single parents need money help because raising kids is expensive. But it’s not impossible, my friend!

11. Open your own savings or checking account. Many financially dependent women don’t have their own chequing or savings accounts. No problem! Even if you only have $10 to your name, you need to get to the bank and start your journey to financial dependence…and perhaps even wealth! And yes, single income families often live close to the poverty line. I grew up poorer than dirt – we even slept outside a few times. But I grew up to be a strong, vibrant, smart, educated, motivated, happy, Christian woman. I learned resilience and strength from my single parent childhood – and I respect my mom, who had no money and nowhere to go, but she left her husband.

If you can’t get money to leave your husband, read How to Cope When You’re Unhappily Married.

12. Stay focused on your future. It’s easy to get overwhelmed, anxious, scared, and depressed about the journey you’re about to go on. Don’t let negativity or fear stop you from leaving your husband! Stay focused on what you will achieve in your life, and how much better it will be for your kids and yourself. Write down your goals for a year from now: how much money do you want to be making? What friends do you want to spend time with? How do you want to spend your days? Remember that it takes time to save enough money to leave your husband.

leave husband no money

“13 Ways to Get Money to Leave Your Husband”

13. Get strength from women who felt financially trapped, but left their husbands. “I was in that situation for 23 years,” says shygrneyzs on I need to leave my husband, but I have no help, on AskMeHelpDesk.com. “I finally opened up my own checking account, started saving a bit at a time, and made plans. When I finally made up my mind to leave, it took less than a month to finalize the plans. I gave myself a deadline and stuck to it. When you stay in a marriage like that, you enable every negative behavior your husband possesses. You become the martyr.”

One final tip for women who need help leaving their husbands when they have no money: Ask yourself, “Am I better off with or without him?” If you feel weak, read Need Strength to Leave a Relationship? 6 Ways to Get Strong Now.

Fix Your Marriage

Do you need to get money to leave your husband? I welcome your comments, but I can’t give you advice on leaving your marriage when you don’t have money (or even if you do have money!).

Article Name
How to Get Money to Leave Your Husband
Tips and strategies on how to get money to leave your husband, inspired by a comment from a reader who feels trapped in her marriage.

Before You Go...

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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I'm a full-time freelance writer and blogger in Vancouver, BC. I created the "Quips and Tips" blog series; my degrees are in Education, Psychology, and Social Work. I welcome your comments below, but I don't give advice. I can offer you a prayer and a blessing, though! You'd be surprised how helpful a prayer can be....

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134 Responses

  1. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Danielle,

    I’m not sure who you can contact to help you get home, but I think the first place I’d start is by searching for a women’s support organization or distress line in your area. Different states, regions, cities, and communities have different types of help available for women who need money and other types of help for leaving their husbands. If you try calling one women’s support line, that might lead you to a different organization, which might lead you to the one that can help you.

    My prayer is for strength for your emotional and physical journey, and for a healthy baby. May you find the right people and resources, and get the help you need to get out of the relationships and into a good place. I pray that you make wise decisions for your future, and hold on to the people who treat you with love, kindness, and compassion. May you build healthy relationships, and may you learn how to make smart, good decisions for you and your baby. Amen.


  2. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Yvonne,

    It sounds like you really are putting your faith into action, and taking actions that rely on faith, prayer, and trust in God! Good for you. You are working hard towards leaving a bad relationship and creating a better life for you and your son.

    I pray for continued strength as you move forward, as you continue to make plans to leave, and as you think about your future. May you find the money and other resources you need to leave your husband, and may everything fall into place quickly and readily. I pray for courage, energy, faith, trust, peace, and patience as you make decisions about today and the future. I also pray that you take time out each day to connect with God, seek His peace, and be filled with His spirit. May you hear His voice and be comforted by His presence and never ending love. Amen.


  3. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Jessica,

    Thank you for being here. It sounds like you’re in a difficult place in your life – you feel hopeless and helpless. You need money to leave your husband….but more importantly, you need strength, courage, faith, and resilience. Because without strength, courage, faith, and resilience you’d still be stuck, even if you had all the money in the world to leave your husband.

    I wrote this article for you: http://whenlovebugsyou.com/when-you-regret-getting-married/ .

    My prayer is that you find the right people in your life. I pray that you tap into the energy, strength, courage, and hope that is already in you! May you connect with people who can help you – and may you allow yourself to be vulnerable and humble, and ask for help. May your eyes be opened to the options and possibilities in your life, and may you accept the help that will be offered if you reach out and ask. I pray for strength, courage, and hope. I pray for your kids, and for your and their future. Allow yourself to be weak, and rely on God’s strength. Accept the help He offers in the form of people and resources.


  4. Danielle says:

    I’m sadly in a situation where I am currently starting my 6th month of pregnancy and have no insurance due to the fact that I keep getting put off to wait longer to find out if I got approved. I got divorced in November, and I live with the baby daddy, who is…. still married. I live with him, his wife, and their kid. Their marriage has been over long before I met him or dated him. I have lost my job due to so many family deaths in a short period I had to go to funerals. But because I had no money to travel for those my family paid. But now that I am stuck in this situation and realizing I need to leave. Yes I shouldnt have gotten in this situation in the first place. But now I know I need to leave and my family refuses to help get me home. I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. Is there any help or advice anyone could perchance give as far as who I should contact?

  5. yvonne workman says:

    I have been in my relationship for 5 years and I have experienced two incidents of physical and the other incidents have been emotional and psychological abuse. My mate is very manipulative and uses words to hurt me. I am a very confident woman and I am very disappointed in myself that I allowed this to occur as long as it has and I have prayed and asked the Lord for financial provision to move ASAP. I have a two year old son that have witnessed his father’s tyrants and I know that that isn’t a good example for him. I have been very proactive and have contacted my local sheriff and other deputies that have written and documented information and I have formulated a safety plan and is trying to be proactive regarding the steps indicated on the plan. I have applied for school and suppose to be starting back in May to complete my Master’s degree which I am very excited about, I have tried to generate leads to bring income into the house through writing assignments and is looking to hear back from an employer about a possible freelance writing position, which I am hoping and praying I get because it will allow me to have the monies to leave ASAP, I have talked to my mom and let her know that I am leaving as soon as certain steps are taken. I would go to her house but she definitely isn’t in no position financially or otherwise to help but she is a strong emotional support system and I thank God for her. Please keep me in prayer as I am a strong, confident woman that loves God and loves my son and want what is best for both of us. The BIble states emphatically that “faith without works is dead” and so faith and works is definitely in operation in this process. My mate knows that if I had the financial means, I would have left him a long time ago. He has no idea that I have contacted the sheriff, formulated safety plan and all that I am doing to try to move asap, I literally have all my stuff packed and ready to go! I am not saying anything, I am must taking all the possible steps I need to take to get out of this situation and as I stated to the sheriff’s office, if nothing else pans out and after all step have been taken and I am still having a hard time, then the women’s shelter will be my last result. I am contacting friends, talking to hotels, etc. I just want to be proactive and make sure I do everything I can first before going to a shelter. I m going to only need a place to stay for about two months because school starts in May and I can get me and my son family housing on campus. I am praying and asking God for wisdom in this process, while being very prayerful and strategic in the process. Please, please keep me and my baby son in prayer as I am anxious to leave and start afresh for the both of us.

  6. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    My prayer for all women who feel stuck in bad marriages – who need financial help to leave their husbands – is for the right resources to show up. May you meet people who can offer you help, find books that strengthen you, and make connections that bring you faith and healing. May you see that money is helpful, but it won’t make you happy. I pray for wisdom and guidance as you gain insight into yourself and your situation, and for clarity as you think about how to get money to leave your husband. I pray for peace and joy, and a strong connection with your Creator. Amen.

  7. Jessica says:

    I’m 27 and been married to my husband for 10yrs we have 3 children I feel completely hopeless he’s emotionally and physically abusive then he will be this amazing man that makes me happy & then when the fights begin the abuse starts i feel so helpless I have no family close by no friends no support no car no job i don’t know what to do I feel so bad for my kid’s that they live like this i wish i can give them a safe happy home but i didn’t even finish high school i regret so much getting married to my husband.I’m always in my room the only time i eat is when he leaves to work I’m stuck in a situation that i feel like i will never get out my kid’s see me cry all the time they just look at me with their little faces and it kills me i can’t get out of this situation

  8. Torey says:

    Got married to my husband at 18, he was 25. He got me out of a bad home life, I was being kicked out and was threatened with being homeless when I finally turned 18. We got married August 2014 and two weeks later I was pregnant. He has always had issues with percocet use but was getting clean when we met. But after we had the baby he dabbled here and there but I recently found out he spent 1000 dollars, that he admitted to spending on drugs. I have no idea what to do we are set to move in five days already put down our payments on the place. I know I want out of this marraige but I have a baby, no job and no where to go. anyone in a similar situation have advice!

  9. Laurie says:

    Dear Michelle,

    Thank you for having the courage to share your story here. I wrote an article for you and all women who need money to leave their husbands:


    I can’t give advice or information because I don’t know anything about you, but I encourage you to start researching the possibilities! You have a job, which is awesome. And your kids are independent, which is also awesome. It will take sacrifice and strength to figure out how to take care of yourself, but I know you can do it. You did it once before, which means you can do it again.

    Read my article – hopefully something there will give you an idea, or inspiration. I will keep you in my prayers – may God bless you as you seek peace, happiness, and meaning in your life.


  10. Michelle says:


    I am a mother and have been in a abusive marriage for 35 yrs. Mental, physical,emotional,etc. I left my husband for 2 years, thinking he would change. He fooled me and other people into believing he changed. With in a month of me coming back the abuse started again. He knows financially I can’t make it on my own, and he always want me to pay something so that I have no money left from my paycheck to save to leave. I want out of this marriage so bad, but I don’t have the money to leave my husband. There are many nights I lay in bed and cry. I have not family support and I do not want to burden my kids. I want them to stay focus on school and finish. If there is any information you can give me to help me please. Thank you.

  11. Diana Starkey says:

    I live in northern califorina. If you can contact me…I will help you
    In Anyway I can. For those who are living in horrible circumstances and have small
    Children and babies and who look at their sweet faces and think

    “For you, I will.” Then, for them , Do. I will never shut my door on
    Someone who needs help especially children.
    I have my reasons as well for researching “moving on from relationship”
    (Less than healthy relationships anyway).. and ended up here reading for two hours!
    But for heaven’s sake.. you will be safe here. Fed. Helped, clothes,
    And perhaps this is what’s meant for me as well, New friend(s), New strength and
    Support system…combined resources… I read so many of your posts. I see that a good deal of
    Time has already gone by since a lot of these. But I’m sure there are new one too.
    And I just can’t help but think to myself while reading these, why on earth
    Don’t we help each other…so here I am…I have a safe place, I have resources and necessary
    Needs are well within reach here. So many possibilities. And together, let’s just do it.
    Let’s make this happen today. Now, I am excited about a new journey. Now, it will happen.
    Are you going to come with me?

    • Kathryn says:

      I can’t leave my state. But I would love to talk further with you about getting money to leave your husband. I don’t have any family. My dad has never been in my life and my mom was murdered in a home invasion six years ago. I have no other family. I’m in an abusive marriage with two children. He’s a doctor, I stay home. He has all the power. I only need someone to talk to. Please email kathrynrumfello2279 at yahoo.com

    • Alone says:

      I’ve been married almost 14yrs! However I’ve been with my husband for 22yrs we have four children one in college high schooler elementary & my toddler who was diagnosed with autism. I’m in a different state can’t leave all that my children know. My son goes to college here my daughter loves her high school so I’m have to stay in my state. I’ve tried in this marriage Lord knows I have stuck by this man through thick & thin! I found a great paying job in 2012 & thought to myself this is it I can begin again BUT was layed off last year!

    • Dawn says:

      I am in a 16 year marriage. I have stayed in this marriage thinking I could change him, things would get better if I just did this different or if I just kept my own counsel and let him do because then things wouldn’t be so bad. I thought of every excuse to explain all the bad away. I had always thought that I didn’t want my children to grow up in a broken home because that would make me a failure – to my kids, my family and everyone who saw me. It only became physical once but there have been too many times to count that I wish (really prayed) for just a punch, slap, kick – anything but the constant name calling, put downs, and overall treatment. The physical would have been easier to me because it would have hurt less, healed faster and not have created such a scar on me. I am to the point where I have to leave. He has taken away my family and friends by isolation (relationships I will never get back because I misplaced my loyalty in him) and everything down to my self esteem. All I have left are my children and I refuse to loose them. I live in North Carolina and need ANY help you can provide. I will provide any proof you require to prove that what I am saying is true and any proof you need showing any help you provide is truly going to assist me in the exact way it was meant for. Please email me. Any help is tremendously appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my request and for any assistance yo may be able to provide.

    • Bridget says:

      What a blessing! You will be heaven sent for some.

    • amanda says:

      Hello, I live in the northern California section too and was wondering if you knew about any resources I could use. I have been a stay at home mom for about two and a half years so I have no income but I really want to move out of my loveless relationship. I have no family on this coast and no where to go. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

  12. Lost Girl says:

    I’ve been Married 10 years and I only knew my husband for 3 months before we got married. Less than a year later I was pregnant with our first son. All thru my pregnancy he was mean to me always blaming me for everything and all I ever did we was cry. Things got better because we eventually ended up breaking up for a couple of months then we got back together . About four months we were back together doing good everything seemed fine. Come to find out his pill addiction was back and the the things he promised for the new baby was out the window. We never spend any money on the baby. Then then babies come. and we have nothing except what the hospital and what my mom gives. We ended up having tripets. Now four years lataer I wish I could pack up and but I have four kids , no money, no food and no where to go. I live in a one stop light town so I know there’s no way for we to get with my kids. I just want scream I feel helpless

  13. Erad Aklilu says:

    I have merried before 6 month ago and my wife is 5 month pregnant.I work abroad country as a seaman.I left my wife since she was 3month pregnant and i am supportive by financial and take care of her,but now she want to divorse me for no reasen.Her complain is thay am not follow her idea.But i am the one who earn the money and knows what is our plan for the future that is according with the money i get so what is the solution to save my merriage.

  14. Me too says:

    I am married over 25 years to my college sweetheart. We have two lovely children. Our biggest problem is always been money. My husband is a big spender and doesn’t know how to save money, which is a marriage killer. We went through so much together, but he still didnt learn his lessons. He is over 50 and should be planning for retirement, but we are not even close.

    I really want to leave him and start fresh…i can save without pouring my money on his debts anymore.

    My youngest son who is 10 years old pled with me to wait until he goes to college. I love my children but i am worried that my husband will destroy our happiness and our future completely if i do stay. What should i do?

    • me three says:

      i am in the same boat as you. Married 27 years and he can’t save a dime. He collects SSDI and sits home all day online buying crap on eBay. My kids r grown but we have a house we r paying for And I don’t want to lose it. I am at loss. How much more can I put up
      with. I see no end of his spending. I work 50 hours a week while he sits here just piling up the debt. Not sure that to do.

  15. Jennifer says:

    My husband and I have been married for 5 years now. My emotional and verbal abuse didnt start until about a year ago. Since then his temper has escalated to throwing things at me, yelling, he has taken it to the next level recently of punching holes in the walls. He has never laid a hand on me, but I get verbally and emotionally abused almost everyday. I get called a worthless piece of shit, he tells me I am going to wind up under a bridge one day. I will never be anything regardless of what i do with my life. I am only 26 years old. I am in cosmetology school. I dont have a job right now but thats why I went back to school I could make a better future for myself. I want to pack up and leave, if i do that I have no where to go. I will be living in my car and I can only do that for so long because of school. I have to come to school dressed and looking like I am going to work. I cant do my hair in the car or wash my clothes in the car. I have bought a cheap prepaid phone for emergencies and I cant have any friends or social groups. I am only allowed to go to school and the grocery store. I have asked about transferring schools so I can go stay in a shelter for the remainder of the time that i am in school. I have to have 750 clock hours to transfer, I only have 300 so i cant transfer. If I withdraw school to leave him, I will owe the full amount of my student loans, I will have no kind of license or a job to pay back $20,000.

    At one point I did think this was my fault. My step father was verbally and emotionally abusive towards my sisters and myself. In my mind I thought it only made since that I would marry someone just like him. Im not depressed or broken inside. I take what he has to say and let it go in one ear and out the other. His abuse has made me incompetent of feeling any kind of emotional feelings, empathy, sincerity, love etc. I have learned to mask everything so well you would never know the pain and heartache I feel on a day to day basis. Like I said Im not depressed or anything like that. I just have learned to live one day at a time and I am looking towards the future. I have currently been making plans and goals to leave as soon as I am eligible for transfer or as soon as I graduate.

    • Debbie says:

      When you go to the grocery store stash 5$ in your pants pocket lose your receipt in the store store money in the pockets of your pants hanging in the closet. Talk to a friend at school ask if you can come stay with them for about a month I bet they will then go get a part time job work out a plan with a hotel close to your school. Stay there awhile they may even give you a part time job. You have to leave your husband and finish school it won’t be easy but you do have options and free time at school away from him that you can work these things out your instructor may even be willing to let you miss a half day without him knowing to plan and get out. Best of luck. I am currently helping a co worker who finally broke down at work. So people will help if they know what is going on.

    • Marjatta says:

      Hi Jennifer,

      My heart breaks for you. You say you are only 26 years old, but it seems like you’ve lived more than a lifetime of sorrow with a person who calls you a “worthless piece of shit” and tells you that you are going to “wind up under a bridge one day.” Those are not words of love or concern. Those are words of control in an effort to keep you feeling down about yourself and insecure about your potential. Those are words from a person who doesn’t appear to be able to love anyone, let alone you or himself.

      Eventually, there is a line in the sand that is drawn when a person can’t take the constant barrage of negative messages (regardless of how subtle they may be) from a partner who presumably loves them unconditionally, yet always stresses that they would love them more “if only you would …”

      If anyone you are close to makes you feel “less than” and you know in your heart of hearts that you are being the best you can be in God’s eyes and in your own eyes, then rest with a clear conscience and fret no more. You are perfect just the way you are … never let anyone else tell you differently.

  16. Corgy says:

    Why is it always women that seem to have the divorce without money problem? I guess guys are out to lunch then. Can’t make enough money to live on my own, guess I’ll just have to be homeless after I leave the B**CH.

  17. Maria says:

    I think it’s better to struggle with money and live in poverty than stay married ot a man you don’t love or can’t be with anymore. How do you get money to leave your husband? Get a job, borrow money, stay with friends or family. Talk to people about your marriage and ask for help. ASK FOR HELP. People will help you, maybe not by giving you money to leave your husband but at least by supporting you as you start over in a new life.

  18. Nancy says:

    The best way to get money to leave your husband is to keep your money separate from the very beginning. And don’t quit work to look after your children.

  19. Art Copple says:

    It’s not just women in this situation. I want to leave my wife because she is manipulative and controlling, but I can’t afford to divorce her. She would take everything. Clean me out financially. How does a man get enough money to leave his wife? That’s why husbands and wives hide money, so divorce doesn’t make them go bankrupt.

  20. Linda Kons says:

    I feel for all women who are trying to get money to leave their husbands. It’s hard and the best thing to do is lower your standard of living, I think. Go to a shelter, and be prepared to start from the ground up. Give up everything. That’s what I did. It’s not fun or easy, but you CAN leave your husband even if you have no money.

  21. Laurie says:

    Dear Leslie,

    Have you contacted legal aid? Another option is to call the law studies department of a local university, and see if they offer clinics or hour-long sessions with student lawyers. These clinics are often free. I know it’s very difficult to qualify for legal aid, and that women who don’t have money and want to leave their husbands often find themselves destitute. It’s a terrible fact of getting divorced, and I don’t have the answers.

    My prayer for you is that you find the resources and people you need, to help you move forward in your life. May you find peace, spiritual security, and faith — for those qualities are far more important than money or assets in a divorce. I pray you discover a new sense of spiritual peace, hope, and confidence that your life is unfolding just as it should. May your heart be open to all the possibilities, and may your eyes see your life in a new light. Amen.


  22. Leslie Eisenmann says:

    I see you have commented on others situations, I work full time, at times tried adding another part time job, Its not a question of being emotionally ready for divorce, My husband has went above and beyond on emotionally abusing my 2 kids and myself, my son is to the point of wanting to call the police and turn himself in for wanting to cause harm to my husband, not physically, solely so law enforcement would get my son out of this house. I can provide a living, but my husband has kept me so broke with overdrafts and not financially helping when needed. I can’t save the money for a lawyer, since my hours were down from 40 to 25 for a year, my husband esp took advantage of not helping, only reason he pays 1/2 of house payment is d/t last time I filed for divorce the judge made him start paying 1/2 of house payment. He has never helped with medical bills, nothing for the kids. He likes to egg on the kids tempers, and then threatens to call the police on them. There is so much more. I need to get my kids out like yesterday and feel there is no more time to try to get a functional budget, I keep getting drug down more and more the longer we stay. My other dilemma, is once I am able to file for divorce, my husbands mother will help him financially with a divorce, no matter the cost, regardless of what her kids do, she always stands by her kids. And we’re in our 50’s. I need help, but don.t know the pathway to turn anymore. Bright Horizons usually just wants my kids and myself to attend group sessions. That doesn’t stop my husband from abusing or us being in the situation. My main thing is I need help with money for a lawyer to get divorce, once I start the proceedings I can get my husband out of the house.

  23. Cynthia Maddison says:

    Has anyone thought about getting a loan so they have money to leave their husband? Maybe not a bank loan but a loan from family members? When I left my husband 5 years ago I asked my grandmother for a $3000 loan to get me started. I just finished paying it back, and I feel good about it. If you borrow money from family to leave your husband, make sure you plan to pay it back within at least 5 years.

    • Lesile says:

      I have thought about siblings for a loan, though d/t bad farming years etc, they are strapped themselves, so won,t ask, my parents have passed on. Thought about consolidating loan with my house, though my husband would then find out. And with his temper it is not good that he knows before things are started. I worried as finances continue to worsen that someday I won’t qualify for a consolidation loan.

  24. Laurie says:

    Dear Amber,

    You aren’t alone, even though you feel so alone in your marriage, in your home, in your friendships. You need to know that you’re not alone and that you can find help leaving your husband. It’s not just money that you need, it’s emotional and spiritual support.

    I encourage you to talk to people in person about the way your husband treats you and your daughter. You and she deserve so much more than this. You are a valuable, worthwhile, lovable, important woman who is in a bad situation. I believe you have the courage to get out of this marriage and away from this man. Your husband is threatening and isolating you, and I don’t know how much he has. I believe abusive men use verbal threats to control and manipulate women, but their threats are sometimes empty. I don’t know your husband, so I don’t know if he will do what he says.

    My prayer is that you find the strength it takes to be honest with people in person. I pray you are able to talk to people, and keep talking until you find the help you need. May you find courage and hope. May you connect with women who have been through similar situations, who can help you leave your husband. May you find financial support, emotional guidance, and spiritual strength to rebuild your life. And, I pray you protect your daughter and show her that women do not need to stay in homes where men are abusive. Amen.


  25. Laurie says:

    Gareth, thank you for sharing your insights and tips for women who want to leave their husbands! Your advice is very supportive and valuable, and I love hearing how kind, compassionate, and encouraging men can be. Sometimes I get accused of “men bashing”, but I’m just writing in response to reader comments.

    Here in Canada, one of my favourite radio talk show hosts – Jian Ghomeshi – was recently accused of being violent with women. It’s so sad and I’m heartbroken, because I really liked him. He was fired from the CBC, and is suing them for $55 million dollars.

    The reason I’m thinking of Jian is that you, Gareth, are the antidote to the negativity I feel about Jian! It’s just so good to hear a man standing up for, defending, and encouraging women who want to leave bad relationships. I really appreciate your comments.

    I quoted you in my article about when to end a relationship:


    My prayers are with your mum’s friend, that she is able to find the strength and courage to continue her journey towards safety, health, and healing.


  26. Amber says:

    Am a 29 year old stay at home mom. I was born and raised 1000 miles from the state i am in now. I came here to visit friends and thought i had fallen in love. I moved here in 2009, moved away from all of my friends and family. I thought it was my chance to start over, to better myself. My boyfriend is 11 yeas older than me. The first year was amazing. Then i got pregnant. He never came to a drs appt. The night i had my daughter he said he had to go hime and feed the dog. I got a call from a friend he had gone out to the club. I spent three days alone in the hospital. From the day i brought My little angel home until she was about two he did nothing for her. Never changed her fed her got up with her. Nothing. Kept telling me he works and i do t so why should he be doing these things. My daughter is now almost four.he has also til this day never been to her xrs office. Or her daycare with she started last year. She is the most amazing child. He is constantly yelling at her. Threatens to spank her all the time. There have been a few times hes left red marks. Or he will grab her by the arm when hes mad and i yell at him. I keep telling him shes only three and its not right. He tells me im disrespecting him. I try to feed her before he gets home from work becahse otherwise the whole time shes eatinv hes yelling at her “stop using your fingerz, hold your fork this way dont do this dont do that. Its to the point where i cant even finish my food because im so stressed. Here within the last year he has started having these outbursts at me. Hes mad because i recently was diagnoised with pelvic inflammatory disease due to the mirena. And it hurts to have sex. He doesnt care he gets so mad when i dont want to that he will tell me things like im not buyi g you another pity pack of cigarettes or do t ask me for anything. Also he is OCD so no matter how much i clean the house its never enough. He will literally inspect the room i cleaned and point out anything that isnt to his standards. I went back to school this past year to help me be able to care for myself and my daughter. Well on sunday he grabbed my daughter by the arm and i told him to be easy. He starts screaming at her to pick up her puzzle she sat down to pick it up and she was tryinv to tell me something but everytime she went to talk hed yell plPICK UP THE PUZZLE after he said it about cour times i said alright she heard you. He started yelling abouy how i have no respect. A couple mins later she said daddy i do nt like you. He said you know what I Do t care all i said was “Bryan” he looked at me and said i dont wanna hear nothing from you all yu do is take care of Kylee and sit on our a$$. I got my daughter ready and we left. We went to his parents house foralittle while. I came back and he haznt said two words to me since sunday. I have no gas in my car and i have school tomorrow, ive gotta bring my daughter to school in the am. I want out so bad. But i have noone here everyone who cares about me i left 1000 miles away. I feel so stuck. Not to mention im so scared he will fight me for custody his family has money for a good lawyer, mine does not. I feel like everything i do or say is wrong. I kniw within the ne,t few days hes gonna tell me he wants me out and i have no clue where i will go. Anytime he has given me money i have to tell him why i need it and he has to have a recipt. I have no friends here because since i became a stay aT home mom i never have money so i cant really go anywhere to meet people. I feel so alone. And im trying so hard to stay strong for my girl. I do t deserve to be talked to like im nothing abd she does t either.

    • Amber says:

      There are just too many things to list. But hes always on me about something. Says im making excuses a few months ago a guy ive know since i eas a kid commented on my facebook picture. My b/f woke me uo at seven am ywlling that he wanted me outnof the house yelling me to move back with my mother. And that i couldnt take my daughter.. it scared me thats the only reason im still here. I cant stand the thought of loosing her or of him havig her.

    • Unhappily married says:

      Can you leave while he’s not home? Go to a shelter with your daughter, or ask a pastor for help? You need to be safe, and your daughter needs to be safe.

    • Amanda says:

      Did he sign anything when she was born? Or were you married to him at the time of birth? If not then legally he has NO rights to your daughter. Even if he did sign but your not married, you can take her and run. Do NOT leave her with him Bc he could also keep her from you. Honestly the best thing would be to establish custody, so he can’t tell her. Good luck!

  27. gareth says:

    Dear all,

    I am a 43 year old man. My mother, 73, has a female friend about 40, who is in an abusive relationship. He sounds like a right bastard. He sounds a lot like the men described on this forum.

    I do not know my mum’s friend, bar two meetings with her. I do recognize someone in distress, however. I gave her some money and I am now researching what community services we have in our area. It turns out, there are a few. In fact, coincidentally, I actually know a domestic abuse professional who works for the police. She was in the same position herself years ago. Know she works helping women in this situation. She is just about the smartest woman I ever met, and she was in a terrible relationship years ago. Now she helps sort the situation out. I am hoping there is a woman like my friend near to all of you.

    The personal tales on this forum cut me up. For any woman reading this I would just like to say if a man is bullying you never for a moment think it is your fault, or your brought this on yourself. You just have ended up with a really ignorant stupid human being and the first step should be to get out of his physical proximity. His physical energy grows with making you feel bad, so to stop his energy growing get away from him. I know this is what the article is about, and it is hard, but it has to be hard to stay too….and then it will never get any better.

    You might feel he controls you to the point of paralysis. My mum’s friend is in this state. He wakes her in the night, calling her the most horrible names. He takes her clothes, sells her car…takes all the money…I could go on.

    But seek help. My mum’s friend went to the library, free internet, to start the search. Then through talking to my mum, who is not superwoman, she met me. And through me, and others, she is going to get help. She got out a little bit into the world, even though she just wanted to curl up into a ball. They were small steps, talking to people, listening. You never know what social contact is going to bring. We don’t know what is going to happen with my friend…but the static situation of daily bullying is going to change, if I can do something.

    I am telling this lady, my mum’s friend…”you are not an expert in this situation. This is the first time you have been here. It’s been going on for a long time, but it’s still your first time. So get help from experts who have seen 1000 women in this situation. Get some options, all the options. You deserve them and a thousand more. But one you might find out about just might be better than the crap you are dealing with now”.

    Screw “The Secret” and other diluted spiritual nonsense. And don’t go through your garbage looking for coke cans. Get to the internet, find a professional, and tell people who are around you that this is the path you are on. You will find allies.



    My Dad is a real bully, or would like to be. We are retraining him, day by day. I have had to come and live with my parents to monitor his behavior, for a year at least. This is after years of trying to get my mother to leave him. He’s a bit mental, my dad, but we know he has some good deep inside. But everything on the outside is shit, (if he is in a bad mood). However, now if he starts up, I just appear…and he has to back down. A bit weak really, like a child. These bullies can be a bit pathetic, like their personalities are hanging on by a string. Thats why they have to defend this situation…control…wont let you this…wont let you that…

    you leaving might make their universe fall apart. They might not even notice you’ve gone. Either way, better.

    I’m blathering, and I will stop. I am not a nice man all the time. I have said bad things to my loved ones. I’ve behaved badly, and live with memories of me losing my temper with my partner sometimes, and acting emotionally. I think most men would agree with me, men can be arse-holes. Men and women behave badly, particularly badly with the people they are closest to. This is normal (ish) but not nice, and should be surrounded with apologies and regret.

    But systematic abuse of other human beings is way way beyond this, and if you are suffering from it, then don’t suffer out there in silence. Get help. You might feel you are the most isolated being on the planet, but you can FIGHT to make contact with someone. Pick up the slightest tiniest spiritual reserve you have, that bit of courage you would use to fight for good, and use it to fight for yourself.

    Some people on this planet draw energy from being skilled at an art form, an expert in their field. Some get energy from feeling connected with everyone and seeing how precious life is. Some get energy from calming their mind and conquering their emotions. Some people feel energised by helping others. Some get energy by making others laugh, or even just a smile. Some people just feel good by making their small corner as happy as it can be, in this scared and greedy world.

    If you are living with someone who is getting energy from making you feel bad…when they have so many better options…then get professional help now. You are living with a mental case. They will get stronger as you get weaker so the time to fight back is right fucking now.

    Don’t cut out the coupons, fight to get help. Get the internet. Get your community resources.

    Talk to people.

    And wishing you strength, the love of goodness and the triumph over terrible adversity.

  28. Laurie says:

    Dear Anni,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your story. It sounds like you’ve been through alot in the 17 years you’ve been with your partner! And you feel stuck and isolated, because of his abuse and your own health issues.

    I wish there was an easier way out for you, because it sounds like you need more than money help. You want to leave your husband, but you feel stuck because there aren’t any people or shelters to help you. You need financial help, but you also need emotional support. And, even if you had all the support in the world, the truth is that it’s very difficult to leave a long-term relationship and start over. It’s not impossible to get money help for women who want to leave their husbands, it’s just a huge endeavor.

    My prayers and thoughts are with you, as you think about what your next step might be. I pray you find the money help you need, and that you’re able to connect with other women who wanted to leave their husbands — and who were successful! May you find a good social worker, counselor, or support group to give you hope and faith and confidence. May you find the help you need, and may you start planning for a chapter of your life.


  29. Anni says:

    I am trying to get away from my partner. We have 2 children and have been together 17 years, though we are not legally married. I was diagnosed as having schizophrenia well over a decade ago, though it has been suggested that it is actually Asperger’s, and more recently I have developed symptoms of PTSD. I mention this because it is keeping me from leaving.
    From his severe emotional and mental abuse I cannot speak to strangers, beyond online. I don’t talk on the phone. I run and hide when someone comes to my door. I used to be completely different. I had friends, people would come to me for advice. I was outgoing, talented artistically, intelligent in many aspects. Now I am a shell of myself. I barely do anything. I mostly read to pass time, partly as an escape. I don’t mind being alone, I never minded. I don’t want to depend on anyone else but I am in a horrible situation that I cannot get out of. I don’t know how to escape from him on my own and I need help. I feel like I was taken hostage in some ways. He manipulated me, played a victim role, and lied to me from the beginning and I didn’t even notice until almost a year later. I couldn’t see the danger. I didn’t see the subtle abuse, which only grew more monstrous.
    I try to stand up to him and defend myself but it doesn’t matter what I do. He keeps doing the same things to me over and over. For example, he does the total opposite of what he says he will do. Daily. He also twists events around that happened, and tells me I have said and done things I know I have not (gaslighting). He is so cruel to me, but then he is completely different around other people, always helping them and kind. He never believes he is to blame for anything he does. He will burn food and blame everything but himself when he was the only one in the kitchen. He spends money recklessly, drives recklessly. I refuse to pay his tickets anymore. He lost his license from the accumulation of speeding tickets and I was forced to drive him to and from work for a year once. He dresses up in fancy, strange, clothing, for attention. The few times he does say anything to me it is to make sarcastic, bullying remarks, and when I call him out on them he blames me for not being able to take a joke. In fact when he does anything hurtful, if I tell him, he gets angry at me for asking him to stop. yet all the while he is bullying and making fun of me he will call me affectionate names, like “baby” and tells me constantly he loves me though he treats me like an enemy.
    I have tried being nice. I tried fighting back. I have mirrored him. I have ignored him. He hasn’t even noticed. His behavior never changes. He intentionally ignores me in extreme ways. If I speak he completely blocks me out. He will often fall asleep or just walk away if I ask him a question. He will ask me something and I will tell him the answer, and he will ask a dozen more times. It is all intentional.

    His neglect was so severe once, he did it non-stop for several months and didn’t say one word to me. I thought I was a ghost and didn’t know it. He made me question my very existence and it was maddening beyond words.
    Another example…I had a dear friend pass away, she was murdered, I was so shocked, I cried for nearly a month. I was so deeply depressed over the loss and the tragic way she died. He told me he didn’t notice I was even slightly depressed or anything was wrong.

    He plays all sorts of cruel tricks on me and lies compulsively about anything, even small meaningless things like what he ate. He makes up fanciful, elaborate stories about himself to strangers. He has cheated on me over 80 separate times, the last which I found out 2 years ago. He spreads all sorts of lies about me and our children, too. He gets obsessed with strangers and acts like an entirely different person around them often making up an entirely different history every time, to use them for feeding his attention seeking, low-ego, and if he can get it, sex. It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

    He has borderline personality disorder, and though it affects individuals differently, for him it is properly labeled as Casanova syndrome. He has been in and out of therapy, when he goes. He was also hospitalized for suicide. I saved his life once and I regret it. When I found out about all the affairs, 2 years ago, I demanded he had to leave he pretended to get a bag of clothes and overdosed on a cocktail of over-the-counter pain pills.
    I would never intentionally hurt anyone but he is so cruel, he makes me regret saving him. I often wish I let him die instead of inducing vomiting and having rushed him to the ER.

    I barely eat. I can’t sleep. My hair is falling out. I keep gaining weight though I only have a few small pieces of food a week. I am so exhausted all the time. I don’t go outside very often. I rarely see sunlight. I broke a tooth 2 months ago and can’t call a dentist for an appointment because my anxiety of people is so extreme.

    I feel like he is intentionally killing me in some secret way, that it gives him some kind of pleasure. When I was better, before I stopped being able to speak to others, I tried finding a therapist in the tiny “city” I live in, and they all refused to take me as a patient. They would tell me they didn’t have the time to treat me properly. They wouldn’t even try.

    I have nowhere to go. I have no friends anymore. I tried to go to my family and they told me to just stay with him because they cannot help me. They didn’t even care. They were also severely abusive to me through my entire childhood, physically and mentally. There are no shelters where I live and even if there was one, I don’t see how I could go because people terrify me. I don’t leave my house. I can’t be in crowds or groups of any sort.
    I feel like I am dead and my children are being destroyed. I feel such guilt for not being able to care for them better. I try to tell myself it will be okay, that it will change, an opportunity will come, it cannot stay this way forever, but it isn’t working. I feel like I have failed for not having the resources to leave him. I receive disability but often he doesn’t work and we live off of my tiny income.

    I don’t know what to do. I feel like the only way out is if I die. I am a prisoner in my own home. I don’t trust anyone because of all the horrible things he has done to me. I have been scouring the internet for a long time trying to find some ideas, some way out and the only thing I keep seeing is though the circumstances may be slightly different, I am far from alone.

    • Susan says:

      Dear Anni,
      My heart goes out to you. Your situation is almost the exact same as mine. It is covert abuse. It is very damaging because the abuser not only makes us question our own sanity, but slowly wears away the few supports we have had. Like you ,I have no supports (they all abused me anyway) and have been unable to find a therapist to treat me. I have Aspergers traits and depression. Now because of my husband, I have almost debilitating anxiety and have to work full time although horrible hubby takes all the money. My husband changed almost exactly a year after we married, and he engages in many of the same awful abuse tactics as your partner does (the gaslighting, constant lying, irresponsible behavior). It has been the worst thing I have ever been through. Thank you for your post. It really helped me to feel less isolated. Do not give up!!! You have helped me so much tonight. I am sure that you are helping other women as well. You are in my prayers. Susan

    • Sheryl says:

      I am so sorry you’re going through this! I am going through the same situation. Living on limited income has made it difficult for me to be able to get it. Do you have any family in another state or area you can stay with? Something has to give! You have the same issue with anxiety, and not being able to be around alot of people, but the thing is, I’m sure he knows that and that’s why he’s using your situations against you! He’s trying to make it to where he’s not going to change, and knows it will be difficult for you to leave because of situations that won’t allow you to! You have to pull everything out of you, and leave! He’s going to drain you in every aspect, and believe me without proper help, he’s not going to change! It will get much worse believe me. I’ve been going through this for nine years and not a single change! you have got to be the one who overcomes your obstacles and say, if I don’t leave your mind will be so overwhelmed from it you will lose a part of yourself that will be hard to get back! You definitely dont want kids being exposed to this types of behavior, they will do this as a adult, or go through this as a adult. I’m sure you wouldn’t want that to happen! Also you don’t want them when they get older to have questions to why you didnt leave! Its extremely hard, believe I’ve been trying to get out of this for years myself. I don’t have any kids with him, I have one and my son is grown, but my family looks at me like whats wrong with you that your staying! the answer is my self esteem is gone! I’m sure your’s is also. Sometimes we tell ourselves things and really underneath it all, we dont have the confidence! You have to say, you know what, if I go to a shelter, they might help me, they might dont, but honestly, What do I seriously have to lose right now! Believe me, if you left unfortunately, hes gonna move on and do this to someone else. He really sounds like a socialpath, and their is honestly no medication for that or nothing! God can deliver him from it only! So with that being said, dont tell yourself that you cant be around people, and start to really try to be open for change. You dont want these things to keep you in this type of situation by no means.If you need to contact me to talk, you can reach me through fuller.sherelle@gmail.com, sometimes people need support I was also in a previous abusive relationship that I got out of, try not to be scared and take a chance it can change your life into happiness, god bless!

  30. Laurie says:

    Dear puttingmyfootdown,

    It sounds like you’ve been through so much with your husband and family – financially, emotionally, spiritually, and socially! It’s been quite the roller coaster, it seems, and you’re ready to get off that ride.

    Do you have a plan to leave? Creating a financial plan with a practical list of things to do can be very helpful when you’re leaving your husband. And, getting support from friends you trust (not money necessarily, but emotional support).

    Leaving your husband isn’t just about getting money help, is it? It’s about taking care of tons of loose ends so you can start fresh and new. But that’s easier said than done!

  31. puttingmyfootdown says:


    The dog. I bought a pure bred off my sister’s friend. One of them has this great idea! They would call their friend who had a stud and when the puppies were born they’d share the profits with me. Um, wait. What? You’ll share the profits with me? But first let’s go over the facts #1, it is MY dog not my husband’s and #2, the fact that I signed a contract saying I could only breed under certain conditions or I’d get sued. The second my dog could get fixed, she was.
    One of them finished college (thanks to our taxes because of course, they were able to cry wolf that we kicked them out of the house and got a full boat of welfare) and the other had the guts to want to have the party at our new residence, which is owned by my family member. The weekend that my family member and I were to set off to go visit other family was a perfect weekend and of course the only weekend they had available. Yes, seriously. They thought they could just come and throw a bash at someone else’s home they hardly knew.
    And sadly, my husband thinks their behavior is perfectly normal and okay. I’m the royal “b” word and if I say “no” to any of their schemes, I’m not being fair or considerate of them. Huh?
    So because I do not support them for lack of morals and for the constant disrespect I, in return, am to suffer. I have no access to our bank account information and it’s none of my business what my husband makes or takes home each week because I might catch on to how much he gives them. Yes, he “helps them out” still. Even after what they did and never spoke a word of “I’m sorry, what can we do to help fix this”…I’m not allowed to grocery shop without him, I can only drive my vehicle (that’s in his name) to where he approves, I should get a job to help him help out them (I absolutely refuse to work until they are out of my life). And my favorite, when we go on vacation one of the tags along with their child totally expense free but heaven forbid I had the guts to ask for a new $18 track suit from Walmart because mine is ripped, ragged, and doesn’t have life left.
    And most recent and why I will not back down and have decided this is what pushed me off the cliff…One of them showed up to my child’s birthday party with this great idea of an account they wanted to open in my child’s name. All they needed was my child’s social security number. Immediately the red flag flashed before me. My husband couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t give in or didn’t want to because this was “such an awesome thing”! Yeah good idea but only when it’s controlled and put on my table by the right people! So I told thanks but NO thanks and I did appreciate the information. Later I tried expressing my legitimate reasons as to why I didn’t feel comfortable (and yes I had to explain my discomfort because of the house thing, my husband forgot! *eyeroll*) and thinking my husband understood and agreed with me I felt okay but still had a gut feeling…yup! Days later my husband still went behind my back and gave this crook my child’s vital information! I found out by the welcome letter in the mail. They refuse to cancel the account so I did what I had to do. Took a family member up on their offer of paying for a lawyer. These crooks will never do me or my children wrong again.
    Oh yeah, and if I leave him, I’ll have nothing. I won’t have a car but that’s it. I have my respect for myself and kids, I have my morals to trust in Gid. I have all I need.

  32. puttingmyfootdown says:

    It is a really great feeling to know my feelings do not stand alone. As I read through my heartaches for each of you because I do know how it feels to be treated so low, especially when you do and give so much. Although our stories may not be exact; they are all a bond that only each of us will ever understand.
    Here’s my story:
    I have been with my husband for 10 years. We’ve only been married for a year. He is a fun person to be around, kids just adore him as he does them, and he is great with building things (just built me a greenhouse as a matter of fact), we both enjoy the same things in life; where to vacation, where to live, etc. If you saw he and I on the street you’d most likely think we “had it made”, as do most of our friends and family.
    Well….there’s obviously a reason I felt a need to search for ways to leave. And there is. In fact, there is what feels like a million reasons to go. After 10 years, finally, I am making my exiting plan.
    See, my husband has this group of people called “family”, in this this case just two members (three if you count a child already learning from them) who have done nothing but constantly caused problems. These family members have this “thing” that they feel everyone else’s hard earned money and possessions are theirs. If a vacation is spoken of, they have a dozen reasons why they should go too but of course, on our or another’s dime.
    The first year I met my husband he was convinced into real estate with these “family members”. Needless to say my husband and I are still unable to get a home loan for many more years to come and have had to resort to living with my family. And us getting a new vehicle or credit card like they can, HA! Even though my name was not on the home guess who’s credit still got dragged through the mud? You’re right, not their’s! And yes, I was naive. I was dumb. I thought “saving” the house was going to be a nice reward for my little family. Yes, because they convinced me that if I put all the bills (which they ran up) in my name and was able to “put the house in my name”, the house would get saved, my little family would live in it, and the best part I’d have about $50,000 to not only pay of my college loans but to fix the house up and gain more equity! And I fell for it.
    So you’d think they wouldn’t have guts to ask, beg, or expect? Haha! Yeah…no. Nope. I got a dog from my sisters friend

  33. Laurie says:

    It sounds like many women are completely helpless when it comes to getting financial help to leave their husbands. This is very sad, and I’m sorry some women are going through this. It seems like it’d be a terrible feeling, to feel trapped in a marriage because of money. After reading the comments women have left here, I feel like some women have no choice. They’re stuck in unhappy marriages, and they can’t leave.

  34. Laurie says:

    Dear Joanna,

    I am very sorry to hear what you’re going through – and I don’t think money is the solution to your problems with your husband. No matter how much money you had, you’d still be scared of him.

    Who is the strongest person you know? Who can help pull you out of your marriage? Tell me the names of two women or men who can help you leave your husband. Then, tell me what you’ll say to them, so they help you.

  35. Laurie says:

    Dear Ashley,

    Are you able to attend a church by yourself? I think that’s the first thing I’d do if I were in your situation. Start reaching out to the community and the people around you, and try not to rely on your fiance for any type of support. I’m sorry to say this, but I think you need to rely on yourself. Your fiance won’t give you the love or respect you need — or that your children deserve.

    Go to church, go to a women’s Bible Study, and build your own family. That’s even more important than finding money to leave your husband!

  36. joanna says:

    Hi my name is Joanna iam 26 years old have 3beautiful kids and been married 9years with and abusive “man” our realationship started great but once we started living together he started being abusive fiscally and verbally i was too in “love” to leave him so i didn’t we started having kids and in between he was still acting up plus he startedccheating and sleeping around and puttin me down now its been a year thats full of discussion he’s getting so verbally aggressive he puts me and my family down saying iam nothing that iam just a parasite that iam never going to be something in life that my sisters are only gold diggers bitches and that my parents are nothing cause they never did nothing in life hes also said that he wants my sister he alsoleft my bruised from my arm andhe hit my oldest son with a belt on his back and i have ppicturesto proof it and so on so nowits been almost 5months that we have not had sex and we talk to my pparents and we decided we were going to separate but now he doesnt want to move out or leave my alone he says if he’s not happy he’s never going to leave me be happy and he ddoesn’t want me to go out to visit my cousins he wants to take and bring me back from where ever i want to go nobody can come visit me and if he takes the kids for the weekend i have to stay home alone cause he gets mad. Iam scared to leave because he’ says that he could take the kids away cause i don’thave a job or a place to move out iam very sstressed out i need someone to tell me what to do please

  37. Ashley says:

    I have been with my fiance for 7 years. We have two kids together, a one year old and a two year old… He has always worked and I have always went to school. Now things have turned violent and he constantly stays on his phone which is password protected to the T. I just don’t know what to do. Two years into a relationship we moved from KY to FL and we have lived here every since. We do not attend a church, although I would like to and I do not have any living family. I just dont know how to live and be able to provide for my two little babies by myself. I don’t even know where to start. I am lost and I want to be happy again. I just feel like my life is done that this is what I am going to have to deal with. The romance is gone. My birthday was in November, nothing. Our 7 year anniversary was in April, nothing not even a gift or a meal. VAlentines Day, nothing. He can afford it because he works as a manager at a huge air conditioning plant and makes 16.75 an hour.. I just need help and guidance.

  38. Laurie says:

    Hello Amanda, have you tried counseling on your own? Sometimes we need an objective opinion to sort through stuff. Talking to a counselor might give you insight into your marriage and your reasons for staying married. You might even get advice on how to leave your husband – and how to find money to live on your own.

  39. Amanda says:

    Hello me and my husband just hit our 19th anniversary, we have always had a rocky relationship, there has been no trust from the mo net we had met, there has been abuse, we have stuck through it though mainly for our children, I am feeling more and more unhappy, like, if i dont get out soon Im never going to be myself again, I have suggested counseling, although we have done it before and they put my husband on medication, so hes says he doesn’t want to be put on anything so he wont go, I do feel stuck and alone, we literally live two separate lives, the weird thing about it though is we are still sexually active, and the only reason I am is because I like sex… our finances are put together and everything is in both of our names including our mortgage, I know I couldnt make the mortgage and car payments on my own, I could really use some advise…

  40. Laurie says:

    Hi Connie,

    Thanks for your thoughts on my article about saving money to leave your husband. You’re right; my tips won’t help all women leave their husbands. Yes, it would be helpful to have a list of resources so each woman knows the exact type of help she could get in her community. It’s a huge undertaking, and there are no easy answers that fit everyone.


  41. connie says:

    I read your tips for getting cash to leave a husband and I was astounded at how completely useless your tips are. A woman trying to leave a relationship can’t always do all the things you suggest. I’m disabled, physically unable to do any of these things. To suggest to anyone to go to a neighbor’s house asking for odd jobs is ridiculous! Are you from a tiny town? I live in a city in California where murders are common and neighbors don’t look at each other and certainly don’t talk to each other. I don’t know if you want to help or hinder with the suggestions you made. It’s all completely unfeasible. An older woman who is physically disable cannot go about collecting discarded cans! Are you kidding? I hope you’ll take down you tips and quips and get real. Offer some REAL workable solutions, and at least give community resource information. Try to think outside the box you’re using and think of ALL women, ALL ages, and the fact that these suggestions you make would take quite a long time to make a dent in a woman getting money together to leave a bad situation. You sound like you’re living in a silly dream world. I’m not trying to insult you. I’m merely reacting to what I’ve just read on your website and hope you’ll realize people come here looking for good information. Yours gives your readers the feeling that it’s hopeless, it’ll never happen for them, and then to tell a reader “small steps” when they need help and are feeling desperate puts a frivolous and uncaring spin on this.

    • Galene says:

      I completely agree. I’ll let you in on a little secret Connie, when your husband makes $100k a year but you have no access to a penny of it, you won’t find financial help at any social service offices because the household income is too high. Yes, you may have assets (your half of property that is owned, maybe you have a car) but you have NO liquidity and that is what a person needs to move. Some of us who are being financially abused have no or bad credit, so bank accounts and credit cards are not going to happen. My husband has removed my name from all bank accounts, he stashes cash away and I have no idea where he stashes it. Luckily we have no debt. In my case, the only think I do have is my part of the house (only because he can’t get my name off the deed) and that is not something that will pay for a divorce, nor an attorney, nor the deposit and first months rent. Ask others for help? I have no family, my friends are not in a position to assist and my neighbors wouldn’t know me if they saw me out somewhere. Save change from the grocery? He does the grocery shopping, he wouldn’t give me a dollar to buy groceries, this makes me laugh. Buy a gift card? WITH WHAT? I have been saving change whenever he graces me with a few dollars but today, I discovered what I had been saving is gone, he must have found it and decided it was his. Get a job, wow, that sounds like an excellent plan. Except when you are considered a senior citizen employers are not lining up to hire you no matter how many applications you submit. It’s just not as easy to save a few thousand dollars as you make it sound. Every penny I manage to scrape up has to go for doctor copays (no, he does not pay for me to see a doctor for my chronic medical condition, he sees it as unnecessary.) If it was as easy as you seem to think it is, I would have been out of here 20 years ago.

  42. Laurie says:

    Dear Brenda,

    Getting financial help to leave a marriage is often one of the biggest obstacles! It may be even more difficult when you’re of retirement age (though some people don’t retire until age 70 and beyond).

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your experience. I wish I had the right words or the right advice to give. I also wish I could offer money help to all women who want to leave their husbands, but alas. As you know, money don’t grow on trees.

    What resources are in your city or neighborhood? Have you looked into local women’s shelters or community organizations? Sometimes the only way to get help is to start knocking on doors and sharing our needs with people. Can you tell me what options are available to you, what things you’ve already tried?


  43. Brenda Pruitt says:

    I am a 66 year old woman I really have no skills to work out side home.when I married women stayed home and took care of children and home.i was happy to do that .my children are grown and have their own family’s.i have a lot of health issues I have degenerative and crippling arithiritis. I am a Christian we have had a fairly good marriage,he was hard on our children,growing up but has always provided for us.as long as things went his way everything was ok.but he always treats me like I am not as good as he is ,I’ dumb,ican’t do anything right.all he thinks about is sex ,when it’s over ,he was never happy with my performance.years ago he had affairs (which was my fault) after they were over I forgave him we had 3 small children and I thought it was the best thing to do now that aim older i truly regret that decision.as the years i lived with criticism about everything he wanted to know where I was who I was with what I was doing every minute of the day .it got worse he accused me of everything everyday when he came home he continually harassed me about who i had been with what man I was withi will try to make this shorter I have lived with this for years verbal abuse ,disgusting things 4 years ago we lost our grandson .He was the most In my husband!s life in his pain and greif he has taken that on in verbally hurtful igrieve alone in silence.he has been retired for several years so he is home all the time ,it is so much worse.He was in the National guard for 40 years he has insurance that pays for our medications.If i leave I don’t think I would be able to keep that.ihave Medicare but it won’t pay for medications that I need to be able to function I draw 608.00 per month social security.Where is there help for women like me?

  44. Laurie says:

    Thanks, K, for the suggestion to read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne! That’s a great way to get money to leave your husband – the book encourages you to visualize and start working your way towards getting what you need and want in life.

  45. Laurie says:

    If you feel trapped in a relationship and you have no money to leave, it may be helpful to start thinking in terms of where you CAN go and what you CAN do to get out.

    I don’t know what friends, relatives, or resources you have in your life, but I believe there is a lifeline there somewhere. Sometimes when we’re feeling trapped in bad marriages, all we see are the closed doors and dead ends. We focus on our feelings of helplessness and powerlessness, and we feel trapped and alone.

    It’s not just money you need to leave your husband. Many women have money, and stay in terrible marriages. Often, what you need is one lifeline, one thread of hope, one person who supports you. I believe that if you look around your life, you will find that person who can help you do what you need to do.

    I believe in you, that you have the power and strength to recreate your life. Do you believe in yourself?

  46. Helpmeplease says:

    Someone please give me advise! My husband and I live thousands of miles from our family now because he is military. My mom is homeless and lives in a shelter, my grandmas husband is a sex offender so even if I did have a plane ticket back home I would have any where to go. Regardless of what you may think the army family advocates suck and do not help if you need to leave a military spouse. Only offer counselling and food/resources if you stay married. We’ve already been to counseling and it has not helped. I do not have any children so its hard to find a shelter. And since we are in California the shelters are overpopulated and there is no room. And the nice ones are specifically focused on mothers and the Hispanic population. My husband is very controlling and manipulative. I cannot laugh too hard at the TV without having to explain why. He also wakes me up several times during the night for me to give him oral sex, sex, and to ask me what I am dreaming about and if it was about him. So I am constantly tired. I do have a job but its not even 9000 a year and he spends all of it on smoking and drinking . He also calculates my check so I can’t hide extra money. We share a car and when he’s mad at me he doesn’t take me to work so my managers hate me. When he gets mad he slams me into walls and sometimes will twist my neck to “calm me down” and since I slapped him for that the other night( I couldn’t breath) he said he would tell police I’m abusing him.

    • Ninfa Doyle says:

      Leave him before he kills you, look at your own resources, ( education, skills etc.) in California everything you own as a married couple is community property and you’ll get half, including his pension and other benefits, assuming you have been together at least ten years. Good luck.

  47. Alone in a cage says:

    Hi, I have no kids, no job, no car, no family, no friends. My husband is severely mentally ill, emotionally and verbally abusive. I’ve been married for not quite four years and wanted out for the last three. We don’t even have a bank account since we live on his SSI that comes on a card now. I also have no phone, no TV, nothing I could sell on E-bay, even this post is on a library computer. I was in a very bad place when I met my husband, parents were about to arrange a marriage for me, and my husband and I were at least the same age, had a couple things in common, and he didn’t think I was ugly.

    I really don’t know how to get out. We have no friends or neighbors who could help. I’m trapped in fundy-ville, and a lot of people we know think it’s a sin to divorce for ANY reason, let alone when there has been no adultery.

    • K says:

      Read “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne on your next trip to the library. If you can’t find it at the library sneak a preview at a major bookstore like Barnes and Noble. If you can get your hands on the video that’s Eve better. Also google ‘ the lilac tree’.

      …and by the way, always believe you are beautiful because you are you.

  48. Laurie says:

    Thanks for your comments, Ludy. I think it’s important to try and keep your own stash of money separate from your husband’s money, so you can be financially independent and strong. Even if you don’t want to leave your husband, you need to be able to stand on your own two feet.

    • Helpmeplease says:

      Also he is very smart so it seems he is one step ahead and his mom is a defense attorney so she will kill to keep him out of trouble. Some days I work from 9-6 and he gets off at 3 and is like where’s dinner when he knows I’m so tired. And on his off day he plays video games all day and ruins the house and so I spend my whole off day cleaning and washing at the Laundromat walking several trips to get coins and haul clothes cause he wont leave the car. He has also cheated on me twice( that I know of) I’m always so tired and depressed. When he’s mad he tells me to pack so he can “send me back” but I wouldn’t have anywhere to stay. I wish I could leave. Its so frustrating sometimes I wish I could go back in time and not meet him. And sometimes I want to die cause there doesn’t seem to be a way out.

  49. Ludy says:

    I’ve been married for 34 years, unlike many of you in this blog I am not going into thorough analysis of my dysfunctional sexless and loveless marriage of convenience. For about past 10 years I am so READY to leave.
    Even though, Laurie gives the advice to stash the cash and to open separate bank account, in the eyes of legal system spouses can’t keep money a secret from one another, as everything would be divided.

    Even lottery winnings would be divided between spouses. Doesn’t matter if you’ve got $3, or $3K hidden- all will be taken from you and divided. In worse case, everything might be taken from you!

    if there is a trusting friend, or relative it might work, but if there isn’t , lawyers will “make their ” business to find hidden assets!

    • stayinganonymous says:

      I am in pretty much the same boat Ludy. We’ve been together for 32 years now and when I quit drinking 8 years ago I realized what a selfish little man he was. We were only drinking buddies all those years. I am talking with church friends who have invested in real estate and have small rentals and am stashing everything I can. He drinks every night after work, coming home when he darn well feels like it and doesn’t have enough respect or courtesy to even give me an explanation OR excuse. I’m through with the fights and the disrespect. He can find himself another “maid”. I only work part time but am trying to sell an old vacant property I invested in years ago and that will be my “cushion” until I can get another part-time job or a full time job. I cannot live like this the rest of my live! In fact, I can’t live like this very much longer! I hide at my computer pretending to do extra work that I didn’t get done because I cannot stand to listen to his drivel all evening as he relives every moment of his day.

  50. Laurie says:

    Dear Pamela,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your story. It sounds like your husband’s health has really taken a toll on his mood and personality, as well as your marriage.

    I don’t think anyone should be guilted into staying in an unhappy marriage. He’s manipulating you by saying that he’ll suffer if you leave. It’s a terrible circumstance to be in – both for him and for you – but he is an adult. It’s not your job to care for him…but your vows did say “in sickness and in health”!

    I think you should talk this through with a counsellor. I can’t tell you if you should leave your husband. But, I don’t think you should stay in an unhappy relationship because it’s not good for you or your kids.

    This is a huge moral decision that requires a great deal of thought (and prayer, if you’re a believer!). The more you talk it through with objective people that you trust, the better able you’ll see what you should do.

    I hope this helps, and welcome you back anytime to write out your feelings.


  51. Pamela says:

    I have been married to my husband for 15 years. We have a 7 and 3 yr old both girls. We have always had a rocky relationship. But sinve he has become disabled it seems that it has become even worse. He has decided for whatever reason that he doesn’t want to take care of himself. So with this said it has taken a toll on myself as well as my kids. The doctors have told him if you don’t change and start taking care of yourself you will not be here long to take care of your family. I work a full time job and I am saving money to get out. My only thing is I. Know within myself that if I leave him he will not last long and he uses this against me. I need help in deciding what I should do. I can also say that my oldest child and him do not get a long and she has told me a lot lately to just leave daddy. Please give me some advice.
    P.s he won’t go to counseling.

  52. Laurie says:


    It does sound like you’re stuck! I’m struggling to find something to say that is helpful, but I can’t.

    It doesn’t sound like you want to leave him…you want him to change. But he won’t change, so you’re stuck with him the way he is, or you’re forced to make a major upheaval in your life and sell the house, file for divorce, and start over on your own.

    What would that be like?

  53. Laurie says:

    MsWisdom, I wish it were that easy! It takes alot of time before those alimony and child support payments come out of his paycheques. And if he doesn’t get paid in cash, it’s even more difficult.

    If you want to leave your husband, it’s better to try and have your own money. Easier said than done.

  54. Shamelle says:

    I’m married to a lazy, insecure, bullying, drinker. He’s never violent or physically abusive, but can be terribly insulting to me. He does have good sides, he cooks and shops, but there his contribution ends. If he cooks, he never even soaks a pot, so that I have to spend the evening after work cleaning his mess. Only for him to repeat the process the next day. He cooks because he knows this is the only thing he can do, does not have the cop on to see the amount of massive jobs that need to be done in the house. We don’t need his food, but we do need the hot water to be fixed. My son adores him, like I said, he’s not a bad man. Just a bit useless and a mistake I made. I’m a bigger eejit not to have listened to my head years ago. Problem now is we have a mortgage. I work full time and he is self-employed. Somehow he has managed to put in more ‘work’ hours than my 43 hour week. My timeoff is spent cleaning the house, I wouldn’t bother but it’s not fair on our son to live in a pigsty. He still spends hours on Facebook drinking wine, then going to bed too late and waking up moody. He’s either hungover or drinking these days. Have tried to talk to him, he manages to spin it into an argument and sulks for hours. All I want is for him to grow up and see that we need to make a plan, this is no life. I can’t drag our son away to a life of uncertainty, but I can’t leave him with him as he will end up neglected and sad, so I’m stuck. And he knows this.

  55. MsWisdom says:

    Ladies once you decide to file for divorce you can request child support and alimony from your ex. This money can come right out of his weekly pay check which is set up by the court upon request and be sent to you.

  56. Laurie says:

    Dear Kim,

    I think it’s great, how strategic and thoughtful you are in planning your “escape”! It sounds like you’ll have enough money not only to leave your husband, but to move to Hawaii or Mexico and retire :-)

    Thank you for your comments, and for inspiring other women to start saving up and thinking ahead.


  57. kim says:

    I started funneling 200.00 bucks each payday (that’s 400 a month) from account where my hubby’s checks were deposited into. And I just forgot about it! and I saved other money here and there into my mad money fund stashed at my house. It’s important ladies to build up these accounts, but also very important to build up cash too for emergencies where you can’t wait for the bank to open to get yourself away from abuse and into a safe motel room for you and your kids. I personally stash my cash in a empty lysol wipes plastic container that sits with other cleaning products under my sink. My hubby would never find it since he would never ever be cleaning anything in our house. people who come to rip off your house while you’re away usually don’t clean either as they toss your pad.
    My plan is a four year plan. I’ve got two in already, two to go. I’ve cleaned up my credit and keep an eye on it to make sure it’s always in good standings and so I can rent anywhere I find thats safe and affordable when the time comes for this girl to say see ya

  58. Laurie says:

    “Go, be the woman you were created to be. It’s never too late to be happy.”

    I love that, RJ — thank you for writing it! And thank you for sharing your story, I wish you all the best as you free yourself and live a bigger, better life.

    Stay connected – let us know how you’re doing!

  59. RJ says:


    I’m glad I came across your article, it reminded me about where I am in my own personal journey. I dated my husband a year before we got married and we are coming up on our 2 year marriage anniversary and 3 year couples anniversary. Sadly I didn’t have much time to get to know my husband before things got serious and we were separated a lot of the time because he had joined the military months after we started dating.

    I can really only blame myself because I was exposed to a lot of signs. He was extremely jealous, insecure, and immature but instead of running like I should have, I felt the need to “prove” to him that I wasn’t a cheater like his past girlfriends. Flash forward three years, he hasn’t changed and things have gotten a lot worse. Because of his highly stressful job, and drug history that I didn’t know about, my husband is a legal substance abuser. His choice of drug: Spice. Spice is synthetic cannabis and it’s 10X as more potent than regular majiuana. His addiction has spun out of control and it has pushed me away. Among the addiction, he has grown emotionally abusive and has physically broken a lot of my things in bouts of anger.

    My husband is so far in his addiction that no one can tell him anything. I was told to report him to his command and that went absolutely nowhere. He self referred himself and never tested positive because it is extremely hard to test for spice. It also doesn’t stay in ones blood stream too long and they have to send the results to Georgia just to find anything. He has gone from a 1.5g pack a week to 3.5-5g per day. It has literally taken control of my marriage.

    He no longer sleeps in my bed, yet wants sexual contact with me, so I’m alone in my room. This saddens me but doesn’t bother me as I’d prefer to be in my own world using my free time to make and save money than to be around him when he’s high 24/7. He destroys our home, vomits any and everywhere (without cleaning it up) has extreme uncontrolable bowel issues, coughs uncontrollably, and walks around like a zombie. He’s also “borrowed” from me without my permission to suffice his addiction. His latest act was to total our $17,000 vehicle on his way to buy more and now would rather pay a taxi to get more than to pay a taxi to get groceries for our home. I feel neglected, cheated, and angry a lot of the time. I started a small business and desperately needed the car and he totaled it beyond compare, now my small business is on hold.

    I have found some work from home that is a bit alternative, though legal, which will get me quick cash and fast. My family is spread out all over the US and I much prefer to struggle on my own. I have given my husband a 6 month “turn around” period in order to make this work. Unfortunately for him he isn’t trying to change, and refuses to get help and he has 4 months left. I am plotting, saving, and mentally preparing myself for my move this August. I hope to have $7,000 saved up in order to restart my life. I’m a little scared, but I’m looking forward to being free from my marriage.

    Thankfully I am still in my 20s and we have no children and I can start over without really looking back. It’s extremely hard to love someone so much who is just damaging themselves and the person they claim to love. Unfortunately with drugs/alcohol involved a human being will always come second and I’m not okay with that. He expects me to just except him as he is and just deal with his addiction. It’s tough because you love them deep down even when they hurt you over and over. I used to melt when he would go on his knees begging me not to leave or report him. I took him back each time but he has to hit bottom and he won’t with me here. I’m here to say that I will not stand for it in my life and I’m getting out before this all becomes too familiar. Before I no longer feel I have a voice.

    I can only pick up the pieces and move on while I’m still young. I can’t imagine having a child with him and I refuse to. I saw these signs but I thought that he was serious about changing his life around. His father and brothers are addicts as well and he was trying to move away from it all when he joined the military. Sometimes the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and it’s up to us as females to know someone before settling down, making a commitment, and being trapped. I know you cannot always predict the future but never again will I go into a relationship without an exit strategy. I thankfully have a separate bank account.

    Kuddos to the ladies who’ve shared their stories, kudos to those of you who got out, and I pray for you ladies who are reading this and are still stuck. If you get tired of being sick and tired you WILL push through any hinderances and break out of that relationship. Never feel hopeless as long as you have breath in your lungs. If not for yourself, do it for your children. He has NO power over you, mentally, physically or financially. Do not believe that. Ever. You can walk away, and you WILL when you get good and ready to. Just know that there are organizations out there who will gladly except you, feed, and clothe you. Don’t be embarassed or afraid to take yourself and or your child and stay in a shelter until you get on your feet. There are lots of programs who will put you up in an apartment or a home, give you food, and even job courses/classes. It’s never too late to be who you’ve always wanted to be, no matter how beat or worn down or old you are.

    And never forget to “check” any new men that come into your life. You could be repeating the cycle or even inviting a stranger who claims he wants to help you but only wants to prey on your children when you least expect it. Take it from me, I’m a child sexual abuse survivor who was hurt and molested by several different men while being raised by a single mother.

    Go, be the woman you were created to be, it’s never too late to be happy. I’m 28 and in 4 short months I’m freeing myself and I’m going to live the best life I can, without him.


  60. ASH says:

    I appreciate the tips in this article and I am like many of the ladies. I quit my job almost a year ago to be a SAHM. Ive since enrolled in school and finished a certification course. My husband is a alcoholic and I’ve decided to file for separation but I have no job no money and can’t get government Assistance cause we still live in the same house. I He changed our checking account so I would no longer have access to it. I have started doing many of the suggestions in this article till I have enough money to move out. These comments have helped me because I know there are others who know what I’m going through. If anyone would like to share suggestions or just vent feel free to email me at ash12231981@gmail.com Thanks and be blessed

  61. Laurie says:

    Dear E Joyce,

    Thank you for your comment; I’m sad you don’t have enough money to leave your husband. I often think my articles about love and relationships don’t have the solutions. They’re tips, but I realize they don’t offer solutions for everyone.

    Does your husband support you financially? Sometimes we have to make sacrifices – like staying with a man because we can’t afford to leave. It’s hard and sad.

    Life isn’t for the faint-hearted, is it?


  62. E Joyce Morris says:

    I am 66 years old and was basically forced out of my postion over a year ago. My social security is tied up because I am in repayment mode until at least September.
    My husband is a narcisstic personality and he does not see a problem with having a “relationship” with a woman that is a volunteer at the hospital where he works. He’s planning on giving her and her parents plants for Easter.
    I am trying to set aside money but there are so many bills that are having to be paid that it is difficult to get too much at a time without something going into default.

  63. Laura says:

    I have no idea what to do anymore. I am in an awful marriage with a man who is a pathological liar with a “sex addiction”. He has been emotionally unavailable to me for the duration of our marriage and has spent much of his time and our money having sex with prostitutes, even when I was in the hospital, etc. His parents are aware of what he has done, yet treat me as if I were a waste of life and disrespect me constantly. I live in a house owned by his parents and him. I am a SAHM to a pre-schooler and an infant. I have no family. I have desperately been trying to get out of the marriage for years. All money I had saved prior to being a SAHM was spent by him as I had trusted him and put all my money in a joint account. My kids are exposed to constant fighting and always see their mother disrespected and upset. It has already affected the pre-schooler. I am at the end of my rope.

  64. Laurie says:

    Dear Sol,

    Thank you for being here, and for opening up about your life.

    I wrote this article for you:


    I hope it helps.

    Also, can you make 2 calls today, to find out if there are any womens shelters or support groups to help you leave your husband? Let me know who you called, and what they said.


  65. SoL says:

    I am a mother of three my son 11, daughter 7 and the baby we have together is 2. My two older ones are not his. He has been cheating on me ever since I became pregnant that I know. I had a job Army active duty for 5 years he made me get out, end my time in service because he thought it would be best that I needed to spend more time with the kids. I have his two kids from his previous marriage living with us for the past year and a half. A boy 8 and girl 7 so I have 5 kids in my home. I have put up with a lot. he also gave a sexually transmitted disease but thank God it was curable. I do everything for this man I forgive him all the time. I take care of all the kids he doesn’t do anything or help me with anything. all he does is work goes out on the weekends and parties. if not goes away on the weekends to play softball and I stay home with the kids. he calls me name insults me anything you can think of. the only thing he hasn’t done is hit me. I just found out that this may he will know if he gets custody of his kids or they go back to their mother. apparently he told his kids that if the judge ruled in his favor that he was going to pack his and their stuff and leave my home because he didn’t care about the other two he was talking about my two oldest. and that he knew it wasn’t fair for the baby but that he wasn’t going to deal with other kids that weren’t his because they had me. today I actually got a message from some girl telling me his cheating on me and I have no clue who she is. I don’t know what to do if I should tell him and confront him. I don’t have a job and no money to leave him. I need help so bad I want leave him but I have no family or anywhere to go. I have fallen into depression and I don’t know what to do. can someone please help me or tell me what I should do. he is very verbally abusive and mentally I don’t think I can go another month like this. please help me

  66. Laurie says:


    I’m glad your refund is helping you to leave! Thanks for commenting, and for being an inspiration to other women in bad marriages.

  67. Laurie says:

    Dear Lisa,

    Is it possible for you to get a job? The “kids” are now old enough to support themselves, at 18 and 19, so all you have to worry about is yourself!

    What was the last job you had?

  68. Vanessa says:

    I too am in a pretty bad situation…I’ve been cheated on, lied to, pushed around while I was holding our newborn. I am so unhappy. My light at the end of the tunnel is this tax return. Because of the child credit approx 5,000 I received. You can get this even if you made a very small amount of income on a w-2 or Even babysitting can be self employment. You’ll have to pay tax on it but it will just come out of your refund. I’d talk to a tax professional and see if there is anyway you can file. I’m not married so it was easier for me to hide but I’m just throwing that out as it is tax time. I received my refund and am getting out of here!

  69. Lisa says:



    HAVE AN 18 & 19 YR OLD


  70. Laurie says:

    Dear IronMommy,

    Thank you for sharing how you succeeded in leaving your husband!

    It’s incredibly difficult to leave when you don’t have money, but if you rely on others and ask for help, then you can do it. Asking for help is hard because it requires you to be humble. It can also cause feelings of shame. But, after you go through the worst part, then you’ll be able to breathe again. You’ll be free and independent and happy. Life will never be perfect, but you’ll be in control of your own life.

  71. IronMommy3 says:

    I know first hand what it means to leave an unhealthy relationship. About 3 years ago I left my boyfriend of 7 years. At that time,we had two young daughters together. 2 and 4 years old. I had no job, and practically nothing saved. Living with him was torture. He was such a momas boy, couldn’t make a decision on his own to save his life. When his family started interfering, and I found out he was a pathological liar, and cheater, I said goodbye. I love myself and my kids too much to settle for second best in a mans life. I moved in with my parents, worked a couple of shitty jobs, until finally getting hired somewhere I loved. I saved up, and moved out on my own after a few months of saving. I was so happy. I can not tell you the feeling it is to breath clean air. Where your so comfortable in your own home, in your own skin. While I was making a beautiful life he was living with his mother! It’s possible to be happy. Believe in yourself. Screw money, screw all the impossibilities. It’s very possible. And trust me, when your tired enough, you will find away to escape your situation. Now I’m getting ready to leave my new boyfriend because like the old, he can’t find a healthy boundary away from his so called family. We have a daughter together and that can’t stop me from living a healthy life with her, and my other girls. Time is your friend, it’ll heal the wounds that might be imbedded on your soul. I promise there’s more to life then the life your currently living. Trust yourself. Your life is where you take it.

  72. Laurie says:

    The only thing worse than being in a dead marriage is staying in a dead marriage.

    Is money holding you back from leaving your husband? If you had enough money, would you leave him?

  73. Pigtails says:

    I’m in a dead marriage, & have been for years. How did I let my life get like this? I
    wish that I would have run the other way. I have destroyed my life & my child’s. My
    child hates him. I have wasted so many years, & you really can’t undo those years.
    We have been wrong for each other from the start. We have never been compatible
    nothing in common, I don’t even see why we got together in the first place. There is
    so much wrong with this. I’m so unhappy & miserable, & I don’t see it changing any
    time soon. Wrong for each other… & I’ve known it for a long time. I’m just like alot of
    others at a dead end….. And I know it is hopeless & it always will be sad to say……,

  74. Laurie says:

    Selling Avon is a great way to get money to leave your husband – thanks Jamie!

    One of my friends sells jars of dried spices to make dips with. I can’t remember the company, but it’s located in BC, Canada. The dried spices are delicious — even I buy them (and I’m not a foodie).

  75. Jamie says:

    I have been selling Avon to make money he doesn’t know about. If you have a second mailing address, this may be an option since you don’t have to do parties with Avon and its only $10 to start. Just keep catalogs in your purse and leave them everywhere! And use the included website to sell too! Avon does the rest with online sales! YourAvon.com/JamieWilkinson

  76. kymykat says:

    when I was twenty years old I woke up one day and realized I married a total control freak and was 500 miles away from my family and friends with a new baby who was always sick. My husband was selfish and unrealistic about the reality of life with having a baby and being married. I didn’t just pack up and move 500 miles back home to my moms. I sat down and seriously started thinking and I’m not the best person with prayer but I asked for help on this one. The next day I started thinking again about how to make money fast with a new baby at home. I knew just a few women at church but I still knew paying for babysitting was going to slow down my collecting money to leave. I wrote down the mountain resorts biggest draws of people from out of the area. The people living in the town itself all were pretty strapped for money so I had to look outside the box. Then my friend from my old hometown called saying she was coming up to ski in two weeks and if I could watch her baby. BINGO! that was it. I said yes of course and after hanging up the phone researched the babysitting available through the big ski resort. As I was hoping they provided care for toddlers only age 2 and up. nothing for newborn to age 2. Well I got myself licensed by the sate of CA. I did the smartest thing that people said was a waste of my time. I made an appointment with the guy who ran the mountain ski resort and I told him I could help him attract more skiers this year by my sitting services. I explained that when I was booked up I had other licensed women who were available. He loved the idea and he also did all my advertising for me. I charged 25.00 a day which meant the parents needed to be at my door by 5:30 pm (8-5:30) Also I charged 25.00 per every 15 minutes after 5:30 for those people who thought they would ski all day and then go off and dine out before getting their baby. Believe me I raked in a lot of cash that way from people with a lot of money who tipped on top of it usually. I got the best moms through church to also be licensed and I used an answering machine the ski resort paid for to take all my calls for my services. Let’s just say when my abusive husband decided to push me around one day in late spring I was able to wait for him to leave for work and pack up my baby hand over the answering machine to my assistant sitter and wish her a wealth of happiness and drive away with over 12,000 in my personal bank account. that was in 1981. I could have probably been a very wealthy woman had I just be able to have my husband removed from my condo and me stay and continue to work that business I started.

    be creative. think about what your area is lacking and provide the best of whatever it is.

  77. lisa says:

    i have only been married shy of four years with two young children. i want out but with no money and family my husband is all i have. i fear for my children loosing there father and me being alone. i just cant put up with all of the fighting and being sick from it all anymore. i am still young and have my whole life ahead of me. some say we got married to young. it seems to be true. how do i walk away or become strong enough to hold on or should i even try any longer.

  78. robynsc says:

    i wanted to give just a few pieces of advice (nothing professional):

    -there is a lot of good info out there – if you can’t afford to buy books (i wouldn’t because hopefully they are ONE TIME need only) go to your public library. if they don’t have the book you need, there is a service called inter-library loan where they can borrow it from another library. there may be a nominal $1 fee but much more affordable than borrowing.

    -for those who don’t want to leave because they feel it will hurt their children: if you are arguing or not speaking, happy one day, angry or sad the next, think about how THAT affects your children as well. one of my favorite authors once said, “children are like walking video cameras.” they are a lot smarter and more aware than you think. which environment would be better – you, by yourself, raising them in a more peaceful, nurturing environment or what you currently have?

    -hang in there. i know, but it’s really all you can do, so DO IT! constantly visualize a future for yourself. the one you want. a future where you are okay. i go to sleep every night thinking about me, living on my own in a house in phoenix, arizona with a big, wooden front door. it has a small entry way and a galley kitchen. it has a sunken living room. i’m in the kitchen looking fit as all get out, in my running clothes, when the doorbell rings. and it’s my soon-to-be-ex-husband. i’m kind and cordial and friendly and it seems we have a good relationship in my dream (which we kinda have now, just tainted with 28 years of cheating). he tells me he misses me, i say the same. he asks if we can start over and i say no. and off to dreamyland for me! i carry that dream around with me in my heart until God clears the way for me to leave. create your dream and carry it around until God clears the way for you. i pray you all receive peace in your lives. and thank you all for your sharing your stories.

  79. Diana says:

    Its actually really sad to see that so many of us are allowing this to happen to us. I too am in a unhappy marriage and want to get out but do not make enough money to survive on my own. I want to leave now and not wait but can’t and the state won’t help unless I divorce him and I can’t do that at this point. I have no close relatives that I can talk to because they all hate him and diowned me years ago and now I see why. I am sympathize with all of you and know what your going through. Hope that one day we all find our true happiness before its too late.

  80. Wanna says:

    Hi I want to leave my husband but I dont want my kids hurting, we’ve been living with his mom on and off the whole time we’ve been married 7yrs now, now we’re living here again and its gotten really bad with his mom she puts me down cause i cant find a job even though I’ve been looking so hard I keep telling my husband he need to get me out of here I’ve been crying all day today he seen me and just walked of I really fell alone he say he love me but he’s never there for me when it come’s to his m I dont even fell like a woman anymore… I pray all the time that god help me I.m so tired, I dont know what to do nor say anymore I’m tired of him and his mom I have nothing anymore because of him I want and need to get out of this but how do I do that with two kids ??

  81. hope says:

    Shalom Everyone, here is a tip, you can petition in your serogate court in your county whats called a emergency injunction and that will hopefully become a permanent injunction ( look it up ) and this will give you an opportunity to seperate and take some time, this will also give you some sort of reliefe, and you can apply for a stay away or refrain from order of protection, and custody if there is children, but first pray and seek a domestic violence counselor or someone you trust, you can talk about this all day, but know that this is not about divorce it is just about getting yourself back and forgiving your self and loving yourself, Know this and Remember Jesus loves you, blessings,

  82. Suz says:

    I have been married to an emotionally abusive man for 37 yrs…totally unhappy…He is so insecure..he has to put me down to make himself feel big…I am very Christian ..that’s why I have hung on.i feel like I am dying a slow death

  83. Laurie says:

    Dear Suzy,

    Thank you so much for sharing what you’re doing to get money to leave your husband! You are an inspiration and a survivor. Every little nickel and dime counts, and soon you’ll have more than enough money.

    I had to add your tips to my article, because they are so practical and helpful.

    If I come across ways to make money on the internet – such as filling out surveys, like you mentioned – I’ll post them here. That’s a fantastic idea.

    I wish you all the best, and thank you for being here.


  84. Suzy says:

    Lets change this discussion and focus on ways to move forward. We all have a story and now we need to make things happen.

    ~I am collecting cans and turning them in for cash
    ~ I ask my neighbors if they have any odd paying jobs I can do?- Wash windows, weed gardens etc.
    ~ Take online surveys to make a few extra bucks a day (about $3, not a huge amount but it helps build my stash).
    ~Every few times I go to the grocery store or Walmart etc, I buy a $5 gift card. Even if can only do $.50 etc do it!
    ~ Sell household items on ebay. May only profit $.75 but again, all small steps leads to bigger rewards. kids your kids outgrown clothes etc. You would be amazed at what sells!
    ~ Use coupons to get free and store the TP, toothpaste etc in a box or at a friends. Again, little things add up. I have a box of Shampoo, toothpaste, soap, TP, etc ready to go. This will help me when I am starting out and not having to buy and spend what little money I have.

  85. Laurie says:

    Dear Lulu,

    It doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are on your way to a healthier, happier life! Maybe you’re crying all the time because you’re grieving the end of your marriage, and you finally know that you have to leave your husband once and for all.

    I wrote this for you:

    Why Do I Keep Going Back to Him?

    I hope it helps. Let me know how you’re doing.


  86. Erin says:

    Wow…. No real helpful advice just a bunch of book titles & self help waste of money…..
    Women have searched this title on google looking for advice on how to go about leaving their husbands (which is why you’ve plugged so many books under this title). Number one reason is because they have no sorce of income they feel trapped (yes tell them to go and spend the money they don’t have on books).

    • Lisa says:

      Totally agree with Erin,there really is no help,all the suggestions are nuts…your just screwed ladies,no one cares until you’re dead,then the people at all the domestic violence fund raisers,get extra money for themselves,because you will never see any of it,just another charity taken advantage of people in bad situations.good luck..we all need it….

  87. lulu says:

    i am 37 years old, i have been married to my husband for 18 years, we have six children together. I guess im a complete co-dependant and domestic violence victim(verbal, physical, and sexual). My husband i think is very mentally unstable. I am staying at my moms 30 miles away from him, he gets mad at me and throws me out, i got the police to stand-by as i went and got my children the next morning, cause he wouldnt let me have them. I have left him numerous times but me like a big dummy always gos back believing him that everythings gonna be alright, he calls crying with the same story all the time, like he doesnt know why he does it. This is taking such a big toll on my im not the same person no more, i want to be a good mom, but some days i just cant stop crying. And on top of everything, im broke, no money no car,and left him with only the clothes on our backs. How do i do this?

  88. Yvonne says:

    My husband and i have been married for 22 years coming up on 23. He has been physically abusive as of late to my youngest daughter,son, me and my mom. I also have to older children a son and daughter my childern ages are 16,18,21,22. The two oldest kids have now taken to their father and will do anything and everything to hurt me. My husband has as i have come to find out been cheating on my and planning to divorce me or 4 years i know for a fact he has another account and has put thousands of dollars in it while our joint account is in the red of over $200. He will give my youngest daughter money if she begs but the most he has ever given her is 60 dollars. Not only has all of this has occurred during our supposed marriage but he has turned to bestiality. My daughter and I both saw her dog licking his lower parts although he will never admit it. We called the police when he beat on us and was told in the report we were embellishing. Of course it doesn’t help that my husbands nephew is the governors right hand police officer. I don’t know what to do im out of funds living with my younger kids in our home with my mom and bills are getting sky high. I need out.

  89. Donna says:

    Married for 8 yrs. been together for 14have a 4 year old. I’ve been miserable no sex no communication no job I pay everything rent , bills etc. rather be with friends than his family or me. No relationship. I want a better life for me snd my child. Spends every dime I make on his stuff he thinks ges a teenager. I had enough I need a man!
    I need peace and stability!
    How do I get him out?

  90. linda says:

    Iam sixty six years old. Married , miserable. He is a control freak. Everything is halfed.Even ask for half the gas to go in lawn mower.Pay my way when we go out to eat,when we go or do anything. iTS LIKE A PARTERNSHIP.. I want out really bad..help help….I dont have many years lefy has it is. Need advice on money enough to go

  91. Willow says:

    I am much like Thegoodwife, I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 23+ years. House is always clean, gardens nice,raised 4 of our 5 kids to adulthood, I homeschool my kids and do my best to take care of my husband who is an emotionally abusive alcoholic. I had a “ah ha” moment today when I realized that staying is disrepecting myself because I am putting up with so much and have for the past 10 years of his addiction. I need to get out. I told him I wanted a divorce in Feb of this year and asked my mom and dad for help. They are divorced. My dad stopped talking to me. He believes divorce is wrong now because he still loves my mother after 30 years of them being divorced and my mom adores my husband and thinks I am crazy to leave when I have it “so good”. She says I need to stop doing things to upset my husband when he is drunk. That’s the end of my family that can help. I went back to school last year after finding a lump in my breast and thinking this could be the end and do I really want to spend it like this? I sold things to get that education. I almost wish I had sold things for a divorce as I am unable to find a job and am looking at more schooling. To which my husband likes to toss the cost in my face. I try to look for a job but he then says I need to be there for our youngest son. My thoughts then think of what would happen if I was at work and not here to protect my son from his father. It just feels like a mess but I really need to sort this out and find a way out of this nightmare. Living with a drunk is to stressful. I just don’t know where to start. Thank you for this article.

  92. Laurie says:

    Dear Jay,

    I’m sorry to hear how your husband has been treating you and your marriage. I’m glad he’s a good provider — but you’re right; it’s not enough. It sounds like you’ve already decided you want to leave your husband, but you need financial help.

    I wrote this article to answer your question:

    I’m a Stay at Home Mom – How Do I Divorce My Children’s Father?

    I hope it helps, and invite you to write out how you’re feeling anytime. Writing really is good therapy!


  93. Jay says:

    I am so sad in my marriage. I found out my hubby of 14yrs had been cheating on me. Actually, not the 1st or second time he has done this. Up to 4 active ladies at the same time as of Feb,2012. Was also in contact with three young ladies outside the country. He met them when he made his yearly trip to our country. Such a long story. I have tried to forgive but the pain is still there. He claimed to be sorry after weeks of not apologizing. I am a stay at home mom with 5 kids ages 12 to 1yr. I DESPERATELY want to leave. I have no means. My family is so far away. The pain of not leaving is killing me. As of three days ago, I found out he still had numbers to two of the ladies. I have NO trust at all concerning this guy. He is a pathological liar. I want to leave like crazy. Having him in my life is a growing cancer. Having to see in the house casts a deep cloud of saddness over me. There have been days we were fine but all it takes for me to feel sad again is the name of something or somebody and the old feelings come rushing in again. His b-day was last week and from the day before to this day, I have been so so sad. Why? Because, his two last b-days, he had a woman with him.Well, the one of last yr, he was suppossed to have the same girl but because they were not on good terms as of that time, it didn’t happen. So, this yr’s b/day was miserable for me because all I did was picture him with the other woman. What do i do? He is a good dad, more of a good provider for me and the kids but that is not enough for me. Pls, comment.


  94. Jeni says:

    I have been told by my mom in law my husband was just too young… i mistakenly believed he was mature at 18 when i was 30… i wasnt looking for marraige and have had previous abuse from an ex. my second mistake was being honest with him about my past which he assured me id never hurt again. we have a 5 year old and have been married for 5 years. bank account is in his and his moms name. i lost my job and the cars are in his name. the house is in his moms name.

    when she comes over theytalk outsideon the porch. worse i have a 13 yr old and 10 yr old was prior marraige living with and older daughters on their own. he got drunk last xmas as did my daughter and supposedly they ended up sleeping together. i tried to forgive ( shes 19) but now im too old too fat too stupis
    d and dont know my place. sit when i say sit fetch my clothes do my dinner make sure i have work clothes to be successful blah blah… im a workhorse… a mule and he takes care of himself to porn and dirty stories on literotica and xhampster 18 young….

    why stay? ive reserched and called and tried to get help. their is no help without my proof of rent. stepmom wont give it.

    he wont let her. i also ended up stripping ( he said it turned him on my mistake for believing him and trying to save marraige)which failed and he says if i go to court or bring him down for slapping and choking me then he will tell them im a prostitute…. he will telly my daughters my family his family.. he hates me so much my 13 yr old gets grounded for everything bad shes does months at a time and screwams at her saying better to be feared than loved. she is in a behavior clinic i cant afford and he says hes not paying. she od on pills and is afraid to come home with him around. i need a place now but with no money ( i tried everything to save he finds it and i get in trouble w slapping or denial of sex… can i withdraw and move half of the money in that account? i have the debit card the bank knows me and i have our logins… wld i get in trouble for this? i put money in there all the time every time i get a job, sell a comp, clean a home ect…. he hoards it so he can leave me and to make sure i cant. please advice anyone? im losing friends family cant help and churches and shelters cant here either….

    im losing hope to ever get out alive…

  95. Henci says:

    Gosh, thank goodness to read these posts so I’m not so alone. Its been 9 long years of marriage. I have to say I also feel trapped in that I am a stay at home mother of 2 children under 8. I also work part time from home doing three different jobs to make up extra cash as I have no “rainy day fund”. I used to have one of those funds and I kick myself for believing in my husband that our finances will turn around. We ended up using my rainy day fund to coast us along. I’m still in a financial tight position which I never thought I would be in at this age in my life. I used to have it all before marriage…a good paying career with all the bells and whistles (pension, stock plan, paid vacation, great position,) I had money in the bank, rsps and I owned a condo. I sold the condo to buy our house along with part of my RSP and he did chip in some money but my folks had to pay off a debt of his so we could actually get our place. I gave up my job/career to be a stay at home mother figuring we would live off his income which seemed surivivable as long as his income remained steady which it never has been in 9 years. The entir year is a roller coaster with my scrambling to find ways to make ends meet.Last year we almost filed BK but after I did lengthy hours of research realized we don’t need to go that route. (he’s shelfed the hole issue while I still today search for a solution which will be best) No one can touch us as we have no real assets. Long and short of this all, is that he also has been emotionally disconnected since our last child and works 7 days a week (avoidance I call it). Life is too short. I’m working hard still to bring in extra cash as he doesn’t always give me enough. As soon as he thinks I have money, he backs off. I really thought we would be able sit together and go over our finances once and for all…sorry this is so long. I guess I just don’t know how to get the guts to leave. I’ve been formulating a plan but I stop at the thought of my children. I just never fathomed that I would divorce but I don’t know how to stay in this marriage any longer. I will also feel very disconnected. I would love to move aross the entire country which would be devasting for the kids. Such at horrible spot to be in. I can still coast in this marriage but its financially and emotionally draining…pretending we are just a typical family? Dysfunctional. My folks are still married for over 50 years. They know what is going on but are committed to marriage…but I’ve been waiting for the flag for them to say…its ok to leave. I need a nudge..and clear path. I’m hoping I can find and learn through others postings. I just don’t know where to go and rebuild my life.

  96. AmyA says:

    Though I have a master’s degree, I am unable to obtain a full-time teaching position in this awful economy. My husband’s salary and my part-time job barely keep us (and our three -17,14,11- children) afloat. He is emotionally abusive and I want out so very badly. The thing is, not only will he never leave the home without a fight, but paying for a divorce seems like a pipdream and worst of all my children will be devestated in so many ways. These hurdles seem insurmountable to me. Do I continue to wait for my children to grow up so that my life can begin?

  97. Gia says:

    My husband is the opposite of the non working man, he works 70 hours a week, pays the few bills we have. I worked until a few years ago when I took emergency custody of our grandchildren. What’s the problem? He is a financial hoarder. He has unknown amounts of hidden cash. He has closed our joint accounts and has opened them in his name alone. He’s so controlling with money that he even does the grocery shopping. I literally must ask for and then account for every penny I am given. I get a very small amount of child support from the children’s father, but it barely pays for their school expenses. At the present moment, I have 57 cents in my pocket. There is no chance of saving anything. I need to see a doctor, but have no money to do so. I have no family, my parents died years ago, no siblings. He’s always been this way, but it was never a problem as I was always financially independent until I was forced to leave my job. One of the children has special needs and needs someone here full time. They have always lived in our home and I refuse to consider turning them over to anyone but their mother who is finally seeing successful sobriety. I am now in my 50’s, with no savings and no access to any cash and no where to go. He sees a person like me, with no job as having no value and is growing more and more emotionally abusive by the day. It doesn’t matter that I take care of our home, I don’t earn an income so I am worthless in his eyes. He’s never been a pleasant person, but now he is just hateful and mean. He really sees me and the kids as a huge burden. This is what truly being trapped is all about. I know I am depressed, I am sick of not being able to provide the kids with anything but necessities and not being able to do anything unless he approves. I am also very concerned about my health. I have a car, it rarely has more than 1/4 tank of gas. I have managed in a years time to save about $30 in change. I will be dead before I can afford to leave. I look back and ask myself how this happened..but I know the answer. I was dedicated to my family…that’s how this happened.

  98. thegoodwife says:

    i live a very different life then most women in the 20th century.im a stay at home mom with 4 children. i have the home spick and span and dinner on the table by 5. mind you every night at 5 for the past 16 years. my husband and i have comfortably settled into our roles as provider and homemaker like a fifty’s sitcom. i am now in my 40ies and have taken a long hard look at who i wish i could be….im what people would call a “kept wife” and its so crazy…how did i let it get like this? the women at our local bus stop talk of trips and family adventures…the closest i get to adventure is the weekly supermarket trip. he has complete control of all money..all cars..our home..etc. i have always been grateful for him assuming the entire responsibility…now im not so sure…feeling really scared because i want to be free…i want to leave him!!!! help

  99. SHELLE says:

    I have been married for 12 1/2 years. I never see my husband because of the way we work,it has really taken a toll on our marriage. I look forward to seeing him and he looks forward to anything but that.. We havent made love in over a year and I just feel so unloved… Sex is definitly not everything but we dont hold hands or hug or kiss unless we r saying good-bye. I just feel so alone and lost, just need some advise… Please!!!!

  100. Tammy says:

    Im stuck and saving but, may take forever. I have 4 kids one is starting college so he is ok. My other 3 have to have me. I have a 9 yr. old son that has autism and is nonverbal and my only family is 600 miles away. All I get is I will pray for you. I received a small inheritance and put down on our home and had monies to buy my son a car. He blew that plus took out loans and credit cards and I can’t even get school clothes for my kids now. He was seeing this woman on the side when we got this house. A job don’t know bc there are no daycare or afterschool for my disabled child.here u have to live apart 60 days and then have a legal separation before social services will help. I have been married 20 yrs. everything is in his name no one wants to deal with my son so I will save forever and then go to my mothers. He wants me gone and just sickens me.bc I want to be outta here. My kids are 6,9,16,and 18. I am very blessed bc they are great kids and my son has lots of therapy and no one or place will accept him..I do have a plan but good things will come. I’m sure of it.. Up where my mom is I could at least find a church I could attend that accepts special needs.

  101. feminist says:

    D.kirk, are you kidding me? Obviously women can be equally distructive in a marriage, the author didn’t claim otherwise, however, that isn’t what this article is about. (Why are you even reading/commenting on this article?) You ‘find women use their emotion as their main driver’? As compared to what, using our dicks? Oh, right, men are entirely logical. It comes down to this, if a woman doesn’t want to be with her spouse anymore she doesn’t have to be, period. Cry all you want that you are taking your vows seriously while your wife is ‘stretching the boundaries’ and ‘immaturely’ misbehaving. Take my word for this, i guarantee your wife is completely miserable if this is how you consider her. Frankly, you don’t deserve a woman. You are falling victim to the whole spirit of the point you were trying to make, that so often we hate the circumstances that we played a role in bringing about. Even with that being said, she can leave your ass if she wants to, for any or no reason. Screw the vows (that’s just my opinion, but don’t get me started on marriage).

  102. A says:

    Dear 2 old 2 Be Stuck ,

    I had an ill child and left, it took me 7 years of saving in a jar i barried in the back yard but I left and fled to a sheltter, I just couldn’t take the physical abuse or the verbal belitting any more, I had a daughter whom had left due to this at only 16 and she had my grandbaby, I had a 3 year old when I left, and my 16 year old was living with her boyfirneds parertns we went into a shelter. Its been 2 years now and I am out of the shelter and on my own, it was hard, and misreble and at times I thiought of crawling back becasue it would have been easier, but it gets better. I just had to keep thinking about the effect it was all having on my kids, and while the sccrafice was hard, it was worth it. Get some therpy at a free clininic and get into a support group, I was in both for many years before I could actually leave, but you can do it. I’m not going to lie to you I am poor as poor now but there is peace in my life and my kids don’t have to be in a hostel enviornment anymore, and eventally the money will come, I’ll find something better or get better training to make a better wage. Its hard to be poor but harder to hate each waking day, get out before you loose the strenght to care anymore, you can do it, I started out by using coupons at the grocery store, each .50cent off i save off the groceries, I put in that jar, he was never the wiser to it, every can or plastic bottle i recycled change in the jar, every beer that soab drank I recycled the dang can it adds up quick.

  103. vanessa says:

    Hi i am 35 years old and I’m stuck in a loveless marriage i have three wonderful children and no job my husband works from 7am till 4 pm he just got done from being gone for two years and now he’s back to his old self sometimes i think. He loves me like the stars and then he calls me a name I’m not asking for a romeo but at least he can not call me words in frount of family i have thought about leaving ..driving my. car off a bridge or wishing someone would break in our house rapeing me to the point of death and seeing if he even would care starting to belive if i hung myself he wouldn’t even notice…i really could ues any advice

  104. D. Kirk says:

    This is just amazing as far as advice when it comes to destroying a marriage. I find women to equally be capable of sabotaging their marriage in many ways and are often extremely destructive when they do it.

    To many practice the art of manipulating what they perceive to be true to suit their desire to bring about the demise of their relationship at their husband’s expense. I’ve seen it too often. I’ve watched women force their husbands into untenable positions. I’ve been married for 25 years now and have come to full realization that a spouse (husband or wife) can be limited in his/her maturity level, known as arrested development. Both men, just like women, can be lacking in maturity to the point where they tend to be destructive in relationships, thus make bad partners.

    So tell me how do you address such behavior, if you are man who believes in his vows, while your wife strives to stretch the boundaries, but doesn’t learn to control herself appropriately? It makes life with such a person very challenging and difficult, especially not knowing when she’s going to behave badly, thus immaturely.

    So women can be equally as abusive as males and even more so in today’s society. They often get away with it and the male is considered the pariah most of the time.

    If a husband is a bad husband, cheats on his wife, then do what you need to do, but make sure its true, and not a perception that has been made into reality when its untrue. I find that many women use their emotions as their main driver, rather than sensible reasoning, thus faulty perceptions becomes a skewed reality. To forgive a cheater takes a tremendous amount of inner strength to overcome. Even in such cases, make sure that you (husband or wife) are not driving your spouse into another persons arms as a result of being disrespectful. Cheating is just a bad thing and does significant damage to a marriage. Forgiveness is key, but if you can’t get rid of the emotional anguish that comes with it, then move on in amicable way. Remember at some point you did claim to “love” the person.

    Majority of counselors these days are not worth their weight in gold anymore. In most cases they have issues that they push on their patients, resulting from a failed relationship they had. So be careful, if you pursue counseling. Counseling is good way to help a couple to heal, provided that both people are being honest. If one person (husband or wife) can’t be honest, then do not waste your time and money.

    Before ending the relationship, make sure you are not pushing his buttons to make him into a non performing husband. I find that many women these days emasculate their husbands, thus the husbands withdraw and shutdown as a result when its actually the women who has not learned to respect her husband. Decent husband will do responsible and honorable things, but they are still human, thus respect goes a long ways. Too many women today for some reason seem not to get this at all, thus ruin their relationships intentionally….and never learning that maybe she is the problem.

    I know this, because my wife keeps trying to do this. I keep forgiving her, but she consistently hits below the belt. Remember the gift of the tongue that is prone to females can do a lot of damage, and yet women end up being surprised and vilifying the man(husband) because they do not want to face the truth about their own behavior.

  105. cmom says:

    we’ve been together 17 yrs married for 7. two fantastic kids 13 and 11. the house comes with his job. he works on the property under contract gets paid a small amount biweekly but doesnt have rent or utilities besides cable, and cell phone. we do have other bills of course like credit cards, car payment, etc. at this point i stay not only because of money, but because of the kids. i dont want it to affect them or the positive future that is ahead of them as a result of their superb academic achievements thus far. i dont hav family to support me until i get on my feet…i have gone back to school trying to work on getting a good paying career since i had kids first…im searching like crazy for a job and it hasn’t been looking very promising but as soon as i get something i plan on getting my own seperate account and saving…it seems like its going to take forever im not getting any younger..it might have been helpful if we owned our own house we could sell and split the profit for a new start. besides the birth of my kids it feels like wasted time

  106. saffire says:

    Men are main cause of womens strife most often in life.. simply because they’ve abandon their traditional role of being a real man, standing up and properly supporting their families. I have no respect for any man who doesn’t work or have a job, and any man who abuses a weaker vessel is outright satanic! If you find yourself living a nightmare with such a man, you do whatever you have to, to leave & support yourself and kids! Life is to precious & short to let a miserable man ruin it!

  107. glory says:

    2 kids been together for 8yrs & no we are not married. he quit his job to be a stay @ home dad (what?! i know) but i swear it was to be lazy!
    Our 6yr old is in camp he is mad that i pay $350 bi-weekly 4 her to attend i pay $1100 for rent @ work am making $9 an hr part time! 30hrs max.
    How do I do it….our youngest collects SSI each month for her which only lets me add $400 to rent every month (they know this) I only get food stamps thats like $300 every month so you do the math & ask me how am doing it? my mom gives me the extra $400 each month for my rent so that her grandchildren won’t be homeless (AGAIN) i can take my daughter out of camp but my boyfreind doesn’t go any where or do anything with our kids, when he worked he made salary & only paid rent i never saw a dime go to our household or kids now i make sure he atleast has a $20 bill because he is with the kids i would kick him out but his family member is our landlord & i can’t get daycare unless am on welfare so done with life but my kids need me!

  108. TooOld2bStuck says:

    I’ve read the tips on financial advice on leaving a marriage but I don’t think it would work for my situation. 3 years ago, after I lost my home when our business failed (yes I stupidly put it up as collateral) I’m ineligible for any kind of bank account (I worked in that sector for 20 years – & due to bad credit prevents me from working in banking again as well). So lets say I save funds & hide in an envelope, that won’t work either because every dollar I’m allowed has to go back into the household expenses. My youngest son, still living at home works close by & if I leave, he has to leave w/me making us both homeless & would prevent him from getting to work. It’s a part-time job he finally got after 3 years searching, he’s also Type I diabetic (he is not my spouse’s son) & costs of test strips, 2 insulin types, etc. make leaving nearly impossible. If I were to go to a family member, I would then have to drive 20 miles each way simply to take my son to work & he can’t support both of us. I have been looking for work for five years and due to my poor credit found that every pay check is substantially garnished as my current husband never filed for bankruptcy which he promised to do. Both of our credit rating was destroyed by the business failure (previously both highest rating) yet as always he is unscathed by it & secured a job in the financial field through the good ol’ boy network where we live. The reason my credit is worse is the house was in my name & the bank that should have had a 1st lien failed to file at the courthouse so when the bs bank lien realized they were in 1st place via default, they claimed 1st place & the other bank filed against me personally instead upon foreclosure. The mistake was their doing but I’m paying personally for it whereas the business failure was a separate issue. There are also no churches in my area that would give any kind of handout to someone they don’t know and if they did, it would be a street beggar’s amount & not helpful enough on a monthly basis for food, sustenance & meds which both my son and I are currently on (mine is high blood pressure & thyroid). I’m in a terrible situation as it concerns obtaining work, money, and health care if I leave. My husband is constantly bullying me about money and the stress has become unbearable over the years. I appreciate the suggestions on finance above, but due to my son’s health obligations & the driving distance of my family; I’m at a disadvantage. I say this not out of “I don’t really want to try” I say it out of the knowledge that comes from working in the financial industry for so many years, running my own bs for five years & knowledge of what’s available locally. We live in a very rural area with no financial support system & a drive so far away that gas becomes cost prohibitive. Sorry if I sound like a whiner, but I’ve thought this through, I’ve worked calculations, and I am at a loss. I don’t know what advice you can help me with but any would be appreciated. (My son doesn’t qualify for SS benefits/disability; I do not either as it must be physical or mental, neither of which apply)

  109. Hi Wadi,

    Thank you for commenting. I’m sorry your husband isn’t giving you money for things you desperately need. Maybe you feel powerless and trapped, which aren’t good feelings.

    If you have a specific question, I can try to help. Do you want to try to change your husband, or do you want to get money so you can leave him? If you just need someone to talk to, I welcome your thoughts here.


  110. wadi says:

    My husband gives no finiancial support wants more kids does not bring any money I only needed five dollars to buy medicine he had but won’t give me I feel so bad. I’ve been going thru this for 9yrs. I’ve tried to get him to help but he doest care

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