Your marriage is in crisis, you have no money, and your future seems unbearable. You’re devastated because you have nothing left.
The happiest day of your life – your wedding – is ending in pain, heartbreak, and financial debt. Your marriage crisis has wiped out all the happy, warm memories.
“I never thought my husband would watch me fall, and criticize me on the way down,” says Sherry on my article about leaving your husband. “I have nothing. My business failed, he stopped it, and I’m financially ruined. I literally have nothing.”
This is it; you’re at the lowest point of your life. And, it takes a long time to heal from a marriage crisis – whether you divorce your husband or work hard to save your marriage.
I’m reading The Instant Survivor: Right Ways to Respond When Things Go Wrong, and that’s the perspective I’m taking for this blog post. We’re gonna get tough, we’re gonna get strong, and we’re gonna survive this marriage crisis!
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Marriage Crisis – Surviving When You Have Nothing Left
You have to rally the troops when you’re going through a marriage crisis. Here are your troops, and here’s how to rally them…
Accept that your marriage is in crisis
“I am so heart broken,” says Sherry. “Facing the reality that my husband doesn’t really care, love, support, or want me is devastating. Our days (of being married) are numbered, everything in me is screaming RUN! He is rude and mean to me, and consistently bashes my creativity, dreams, goals, accomplishments.”
The first thing you need to do is feel the pain. Feel your heartbreak, betrayal, and pain so you can process your emotions. You need to melt down before you can rebuild. You need to face and accept how bad a marriage crisis is, before you can survive and move on.
And trust me – you CAN and WILL survive and move on!
Write down your exact problem
In 10 words or less, what is the crisis you’re facing? Maybe you feel like you have nothing left – no money, no friends, no marriage, no hope for the future.
Write it down – you can use the comments section below or, better yet, start a Journal That Will Take You Through Your Marriage Crisis.
How can you start solving your marriage crisis? Who can help you?
“The answer to this question is critical,” writes Jim Moorhead in The Instant Survivor. “There are so many people who want to help you and reach out to you in your time of trouble.”
You don’t need close friends or family members to survive your marriage crisis! So many women write me, asking for help and saying that they have nobody to help them. Yes, not having family or friends makes survival more difficult. Yes, life would be easier if you could run home to mom and pop.
But, part of surviving a marriage crisis is accepting the reality of your situation. So, if you feel alone, you need to start approaching “strangers” (eg, counselors, distress lines, womens’ help lines, social services, womens’ support groups) for help.
What is one step I can take right now?
“Don’t think about two, three, four, or five different things you can do,” writes Moorhead . “Just list one. Doing one thing will start up momentum toward solving your problem.”
He also encourages people in crisis to be selfish in pursuing a full recovery from victim to survivor, and focus on using the crisis to build a positive future for yourself and others.
Steps I would take if my marriage was in crisis:
- Figure out my financial situation (learn how to get money to leave your husband).
- Talk to my friends (I have no close friends nearby, unfortunately. But, I’d connect with my friends in other provinces and I’d open up to the casual friends I have here).
- Find strong, healthy women who have survived marriage crises and who are happy.
- Keep telling myself that the most beautiful flowers grow out of the stinkiest, most disgusting piles of sh*t. The worst marriage crisis can lead to the best stage of life!
- Look for the best in my situation and be grateful for what I do have.
- Read the readers’ comments in articles like How to Let Go of Someone You Love, and remind myself that I’m not alone.
I’m a HUGE fan of reading books! If my marriage was in crisis, I’d re-read The Instant Survivor: Right Ways to Respond When Things Go Wrong.
And, I’d re-read This Is Not the Life I Ordered: 50 Ways to Keep Your Head Above Water When Life Keeps Dragging You Down.
I’d also remind myself that having a husband or a man isn’t the only way to be happy. I’d rather be independent, strong, and healthy as a single woman than dependent, meek, and unhappy as a married woman.
For more tips on surviving a marriage crisis, read How to Be Happy Without Your Husband’s Money or Love.
Is your marriage in crisis? What’s one thing you can do to take control and survive this disaster?
Do you need marriage help? Get free marriage advice from Mort Fertel. He's good.
My Situation:
Married on Oct. 6,2012
Todays Date: Oct. 26,2012
After a major fight my new wife said to me that when I die she will “remove her ring, throw it into my coffin, and spit on my dead body” What is your advice???
Samantha,
Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughts on surviving a marriage crisis, for abused and heartbroken and no direction!
I had to turn it into an actual article, so other readers will benefit from your insight and experience:
How to Break Free From an Emotionally Destructive Relationship
I hope you don’t mind. If you’d like me to credit you in any way – your full name, a link to your website, blog, Facebook page, etc – please let me know! I’d be happy to.
Sincerely,
Laurie
Dear abused and heartbroken,
I don’t know why you can’t get the courage to leave this man, when he is so unhealthy – and you know how unhealthy he is! I do know that it’s really hard to leave the prisons we know, because the unknown is so scary and threatening.
I also know that men who are controlling and abusive are also extremely manipulative. They brainwash women into believing they can’t leave, that they can’t survive without the man.
But those are lies designed to keep women trapped.
You are a strong, healthy woman who can survive this! When the time is right, you will leave him. This marriage crisis won’t be the end of you.
I think the first thing you need to do is make a list of the things you fear will happen if you leave your husband — but only use half of the page. Leave the other half of the page blank. It can be list-in-progression – you can add to it as you think of things.
As you make your list of things you fear, include the worst case scenario. Be as crazy as you can be! For instance, if you fear leaving him because you won’t be able to support yourself financially, then take it to the extreme: you will be unable to work, unable to buy groceries, unable to pay rent, and unable to live anywhere but under the bridge. Hopefully you’ll see how your fears can grow monstrously — and yet be totally ludicrous! Our fears paralyze us, but they don’t come true 99% of the time.
Then, on the second half of the page, write down the solutions and best case scenarios. So, if your fear is financial ruin in one column, write your best case scenario opposite it: you win the lottery! your teaching job nets you enough to pay the rent and buy groceries! you have a nest egg saved up! you can ask your parents to lend you money! you can steal money from your cheap husband!
I’m a very practical person, so my advice is usually very practical. I love Samantha’s advice below – I turned her advice into a whole article! She’s obviously suffered a marriage crisis and come through the other side….and I bet you will too.
I hope this helps, and hope you come back and let us know how you’re doing.
Blessings,
Laurie
@Abused, Heartbroken, No Direction: You’re living in a loveless prison, but you already know that. Every day I want you to get up, and in the privacy of your own space (even if it’s the bathroom) I want you to click your heels together 3 times, like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, “I KNOW my way home, I KNOW my way home…” You DO know you’re way home — your “true” home, the home that’s screaming within your soul, but you’ve lost your emotional ticket.
I’ve been there. No judgment here friend. Fear is the greatest obstacle in our lives. Fear does have value; it can help us from harming ourselves in unsafe situations, but for the most part, the fear we feel in our hearts about ourselves and taking a risk, is imaginery. It’s put there by the spiritual-enemy to stop us from living the best life possible, and to enjoy the blessings that God equipped us for.
What would I do if I were you? … well, I “was you” at a different point of my life and broke free! I’m still a work in progress (smile), but the life I’m living now is light-years ahead of the one I had when fear ruled my thoughts. First thing my friend — act like the General of your life and formulate a plan, military style. Make a list of what pragmatically needs to be done, check– check — check — and work down it. Start with finances which are the MOST important thing for women who are trying to break free. We all need a roof over our head and food in the fridge, those things aren’t free. Second, try and get your “army” in place … recruit friends or people in the community who will be there to help you, even if it’s with a supportive word of empowerment. But, if you can get someone to help you more, GREAT. Having help is important.
Why am I taking the time to respond to you in this manner? Well, as a spiritual counselor, writer and media consultant myself, you said something that went “BINGO!” in my mind, I nodded and said “Ah, she’s one of us … she’s my compadre, gotta help a fellow traveler…” What was it you said? “I LOVE TEACHING!”
You, my friend, were put on this earth to do a great and worthy job and we’re not gonna let this controlling creep keep you back. Teachers, well the ones who truly love it, have deeply emotional connections in this world to people, but unfortunately having that emotional sense can make them HARDER when it comes to being good to themselves. I know, I’m also a “creative emotional” as you are. The truth is there is a well of strength inside of you, right below your rib cage in the core of your energy, and in your heart valve, your mind … it’s there screaming to get out. LET IT OUT MY FRIEND. You have no idea how happy and contented you’ll feel once you do.
Things will start to flow like water … it will all come together. Now, that’s not to say you won’t have challenges and adversity like the rest of us humans, that’s part of the life game, but … the beautiful life that you know if inside of you, the one that has your true sense itching to burst forth, will become a reality.
You’ll leave the controlling husband…You’ll continue to teach or go back to teaching …you’ll start to see life will get better, more enjoyable… you’ll develop greater self-esteem because your power will start to be released … and in time, you’ll meet someone else to love, someone who LOVES YOU …
…he’ll let you touch the remote. He’ll let you touch him! He’ll listen when you talk and support you with your dreams. You’ll nourish you with physical and emotional love. You’ll think, “Oh heavens, why did I waste so many years not understanding what a real, balanced relationship is?”
But, regret not — you’ll have it now. Everyday is a new page in our lives. Grab it Abused and break free! Trust me. Good luck my friend.
I have been married for 14 years and I know it is time to leave, but I can’t seem to find the courage. My husband is very controlling and verbally abusive. I know that I’m not perfect but a day doesn’t go by that he is not yelling at me or complaining about something. I’m only allowed to have pictures of out family in one room. He locks the theater room and other areas of the house and equipment. His reasoning is that when he was working on it and putting money into it I did have any money and I didn’t help. Oh did I mention I’m a teacher and he makes three times my salary. He says teaching is a waste of my degrees and why don’t I have goals and want more for myself. He doesn’t understand I LOVE TEACHING!!!!
We have two SUV’s that I’m not allowed to drive. My house has to stay perfect at all times. For example we have hard wood floors he declares that someone is dropping something on his floor causing dents in the wood. I can’t seem to find these dents but of course there my fought. He actually put pledge ( to make it shine) on the floor so when you walk you slip and fall 80% of the time. The sofa pillows have to be fluffed and the kitchen chairs have to be checked for spots and spot cleaned. If there is a spot you clean it and dry it with a blow dryer. The same goes for the carpet. All remotes have to be placed in a certain place and God for bid if you turn it on the wrong side. Buttons must be facing up at all times. He doesn’t think you should drink anything in the bedroom not even water or a book on your nightstand. All electrical cords such as the house phone cord, cell phone and headset chargers are not allowed to be seen the have to be tucked away behind the nightstand out of sight. Not one item can be placed up under the bed. Oh did I mention he is never wrong.
These are just a few of the house rules. I feel like prisoner in my own home. But why is it I can’t get enough courage to leave, when I know it isn’t right? I am completely broken. What can I do and how do I do it??? Heartbroken and lost without direction.