A reader emailed me, describing how he lied to his girlfriend. She broke up with him, and now he wants her back. Here
Here’s part of his email:
“When I first started dating her, I told her I had about $10,000 in credit card debt and was addicted to smokeless tobacco. These were two things that my girlfriend QUICKLY said she cannot stand and could not keep the relationship going (especially tobacco) unless I took steps. To deal with the credit card debt, I put a plan together to pay it off. I quit the smokeless tobacco for 2-3 months, but started dipping again. I also started the credit card spending again. Last week, she found about about both and she went off the deep end. She had told me that her ex lied to her for two years and that is why it hurts her now because she thought I was different. What do I do to get her back?”
If I were writing to Larry’s (not his real name) girlfriend, I’d tell her not to get back together with him until he stayed financially and physically clean for at least six months.
And to Larry, I say…
Do you regret the break up? It's not too late... How to Get Your Ex Back
Go beyond being honest that you lied to your girlfriend and now you want her back
Sincerely apologize for lying to her, and for being too weak to follow through on your promises. But remember that words are cheap. Her ex-boyfriend lied to her for years, and she’s not going to crumble like a piece of cheap tissue paper. She’s a smart woman, and she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a boyfriend who lies.
It’s so important that I have to repeat it: words are cheap. You can flap your gums all you want…but can you man up and follow through on your promises? That’s what she needs to know. She wants to be with a guy she can trust, not some lying flake who doesn’t respect her or the relationship enough to work at it.
Ask yourself if you can be in this relationship
Maybe this dilemma isn’t about lying to your girlfriend…maybe it’s about your addiction to tobacco-less smoke and spending money. Your lies are a by-product of your bigger issues, which you need to take care of.
You can’t be in a healthy, happy, strong, long-term relationship unless you are physically, emotionally, and financially healthy. Right now, you’re lying because you have bigger problems – bigger fish to fry. Maybe it’s not the right time for you to be trying to get your girlfriend back…maybe you need to work on yourself before you can be with a healthy, happy, strong woman.
Give her time and space
Both Larry and his ex-girlfriend know she needs time and space. Here’s what he said in his email:
“She told me she needs time and space to think about things. I said by all means, this is worth it to me and I will put in the time and patience to make it work if she will give me another chance. She said she wasn’t breaking up with me, that we were going back to ‘square one’ to rebuild the foundation of the relationship. She even told me NOT to push too hard or I would push her away.”
Frankly, I’m surprised that she’s willing to rebuild the foundation of their relationship. He is one lucky man! If he wants to get her back, he needs to listen to her carefully. Give her the time and space she needs – let her come back to him.
Let her make the first move – but don’t let too much time go by
Here’s Larry’s question: “I was hoping to get your thoughts on this and what I should do (e.g. not contact her at ALL even if she contacts me? Respond to her texts but let her tell me when she wants to meet up? Not do anything? etc.). I’m lost here and I want her back if at all possible!”
There are no hard-and-fast rules – you really have to trust your gut. You know your girlfriend and your relationship. How often you contact her now depends on how much contact you had in the past (eg, if you were living together, you’ll probably have more contact than if you only saw each other every week).
If she contacts you, then yes you should definitely respond to her. And yes, you should let her tell you when she wants to meet up. But if you haven’t heard from her in a couple of weeks, then you might want to email, text, or call her. What’s easiest? Don’t do it! Pick up the phone – don’t just send her a lazy text message.
It’s not about getting your girlfriend back after lying to her. It’s about actively becoming a better man in ways she can see and trust.
For more tips on rebuilding your relationship, read How to Get Your Girlfriend Back After Cheating on Her.