Comments on: 5 Stages Women Go Through Before Leaving a Man Who Abuses

By: Ron

Ron — Wed, 23 May 2012 18:14:18 +0000

So I take it stage 4 is probably the hardest stage to get past. Does the honeymoon phase in abuse have anything to do with the back and forth? I would assume at this stage the know they are in an abusive relationship but are having a hard time accepting that actually leaving is what they should do. Is there a time when they go back to stage 1?

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Wed, 16 May 2012 22:40:26 +0000

Dear Diane,

Thank you so much for sharing how you left your abusive husband! It required so much courage, hope, planning — and you did it!!!

You’re an inspiration to other woman who are scared to take the leap. I know that your story will help them, even if they can’t leave their abusive relationships right now. Thinking is the first step to freedom and happiness!

If you don’t mind, we’d love to hear how you’re doing! Feel free to update us when you can.

Blessings,
Laurie

By: Diane

Diane — Wed, 16 May 2012 04:55:34 +0000

Two weeks ago, at this time, I was sleeping thanks to a sleeping pill; knowing it was the last night of being oppressed. My husband went to bed happy, thinking he was on top of the world. He makes lots of money; is at the peek of his career and is a great leader in his church.
The next morning, he was slower than usual to get up and leave the house. Before he left he announced that he had a meeting until 10am and he was going to work from home afterwards. Oh boy! How were we going to pack and move out in less than 2 hrs.
I had half the bedroom packed and the bed stripped before he was even out of the house. I had knots in my stomach and thought I was going to vomit most of the morning.
As soon as he left, I told my 15 yr old daughter that she wasn’t going to school because she had to pack her room. We were moving. She was shocked! She said, I thought things were better? I said it was important for her to think that. I would explain later…for now, we had to pack. She got to work. My son, 21, was up early and had helped me move what we could for 2 days before. He quickly got to work also. I had organized everything through a women’s shelter, in less than 5 weeks. As I sorted and organized for the move, my husband thought I was spring cleaning and was very happy. I was even more compliant than before during this time. I did anything to keep the peace and make him happy. I tried twice to tell him, but as usual, he wouldn’t let me speak freely. Everything I said and did had to be done in a particular order, with no emotions. He could rarely handle emotions, especially from me. In 5 yrs, we never connected. It began the night of our wedding when he wasn’t very interested in sex because he felt I wasn’t that beautiful. He had met me as a very well toned woman, however, I was in a car accident 2 months before our wedding and suffered a whiplash. I couldn’t work out. I was in pain. That didn’t matter to him. He spent 3 months withholding affection because I hadn’t given him my best body. I was devastated. This was not the man I had known and fell in love with. He was harsh with me and my kids; was almost military with routine and time. He couldn’t enjoy anything; not even his own son. He went through my emails and my journals and he suspected me of so many things. He used the Bible to prove his points and to teach me lessons. Luckily, I knew the Bible long before he came along. I could put scripture in proper perspective, but after a year, I stopped trying. I knew it just wasn’t worth my energy to argue or fight with him. I conserved my energy to find small things in everyday to enjoy and to appreciate. It wasn’t easy, but it was important for me to keep my sanity. He never physically abused me or my children; one time, he did raise his hand at me, grabbed my glasses and threw them on the floor. I think it shocked him as much as it shocked me. He then left the room if he got too angry. All of the “punishments” he inflicted upon me…like withholding affection, cutting me off of any finances, isolating me from my children…were apparently to teach me lessons so I would grow into the woman God wanted me to be.
So, now it was all going to end for me and my kids. I had to be really strong and really courageous and not feel; just pack and breathe. We didn’t worry about boxes, I had some in my trunk and we used garbage bags for the rest. I didn’t worry about the plants or special art work. I took what I really needed and left the rest. We were out of there in an hour and 50 minutes.
When we got to the geared to income townhouse, my kids and I stood in shock as we told the movers where to put things. We finally sat down on the couch to eat at 2:30pm, and my daughter said…look mom, we are sitting on the couch and eating. Something my husband would not have allowed. Then she commented that she could actually go anywhere in the house and be happy. No one was going to make us uncomfortable in our home anymore. Earlier my son had hugged me and told me he loves me. For me, these were confirmations that I did the right thing. It was extremely hard for those weeks before. I hated being deceitful, but I had been deceiving myself for 5 yrs., thinking he would ever love me for who I am or that he would ever wake up and see life as it is. I hated the thought of him coming home to a half empty house and his wife gone. Had I told him, he would have ranted and raged and tried to stop me. His biggest pain is humiliation. He would have done anything not to be humiliated. My kids learned who their mother is that day. They know how loved they are. They know that I am a woman of action, not just of words.

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To learn how she left her abusive husband, read How to Move Out Without Your Husband Finding Out

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By: alicia robertson

alicia robertson — Tue, 15 May 2012 14:43:49 +0000

just lost my niece to a very over powering husband. He would beat her.while kids watching.it was terrible.we know he killed her and then told cops “,she killed herself.” People have send copies of the texts she would text out to her friends..she would not listen to us anymore cause she loved him.we would point the fact that be was abusive and that only got her to stop talking to those that really loved her. These people alienate themselves to not hear the truth. She feared leaving him due to him telling her he would kill her and the kids… she would leave him and then he would threaten her and she would come back to him. She had tried to leave him several times before .SHe had filed for divorce and he was to be served that day this terrible thing happened.Please girls run when you get the chance.You can never change an animal like my niece had…… lost without my niece in san antonio texas

By: craig

craig — Tue, 15 May 2012 00:39:04 +0000

Why is everything on this website all about men abusing women.I worked with two guys in my old place of work.One of the guys had scratches on his neck the other had bruises on his legs from his wife had kicked him during an arguement.Admit 3 out of 4 cases it’s the man that creates the physical abuse yet when two are yelling screaming at each other then it’s the womens fault as well.

By: Mikado

Mikado — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 02:40:45 +0000

To leave an abusive relationship, you need to be a survivor and a strong woman — and believe you have what it takes to leave this abusive relationship once and for all!

By: miranda

miranda — Fri, 20 Apr 2012 00:17:17 +0000

i just want to say to hayley I know what you are going through i have had the smae experience as you . I finaally left my partner 6 months ago and it was hard just up and leaving with 3 children but you need to get in touch with the women refuge and they can help you do the first step .There are so many peopple that will not judge you leaving a relationship is the right thing to do,just remember that people around you do care about you there.Good luck i hope you leave thisterrible negative life and step into a new happy positve one

By: hayly

hayly — Wed, 18 Apr 2012 23:51:25 +0000

hi im 26 and have a2 year old and a 6month old.i have been in an abusive relationship for 2years.my family wont talk2 me and i hav no friends left,i am a shadow of who i used2 be.to start with it was just controlling,but then he started2 push me around and grab me by the throat.he is very proud of the fact that he has never hit a woman but hes hit me in the face with a belt,pushed me over while i was pregnant and threw anything heavy he can.iv been subect to sexual abuse by him also (mainly during my pregnancy),wich i feel a lot of guilt for as my son was premature and was in intensive care for a while.i feel like such a bad mum,i promised myself that id never put my children through anything bad.i feel like i cant enjoy my children,i spend my life trying not2 let it effect them,but i no it does.i need the strenth2 move away,my children are worth more than what im giving them.i came on here because i dont no where else to turn.how can i love some1 like this?he is the most sly evel person iv ever met,its got2 the point of feeling suicidal,i cant live with the guilt of my children living like this,all my daughter ever seems to say is dont cry mummy,its ok………which breaks my heart as shes only2.i just dont no what to do.

By: K

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 19:00:36 +0000

My abuser looks like a model citizen to most people. He makes a lot of money, is attractive, and on the outside appears to be a concerned parent.

I was a junior in high school when I met my abuser. He was in college. By the beginning of my senior year, he had learned how to control my schedule: telling me when I was allowed to work, do homework, practice piano, exercise and which friends I could see. He even controlled how much sleep I got. By the time I was in the middle of my senior year he had convinced me to quit the swim and lacrosse teams that I had loved and participated in during the previous three years so that I could focus on him.
We were mormon, so he served a mission and I went to BYU. When he came back we got married and he convinced me to drop out of school so that I could support his schooling. He couldn’t get into BYU so we moved back to his hometown and he briefly attended OSU. I found a way to work and go to school for a year. During that time he used physical intimidation strategies like pushing and backing me into a corner in order to make me comply with what he wanted. He also began a major campaign to try to convince me I was insane. When I got pregnant (because he refused to use protection) he convinced me to quit school again. After my daughter was born, he would not support me working outside the home again during the 13 years that we were married. We had two more children. He got a civilian job working for the military and ended up making good money. But, he did not allow me to use his income to buy clothes for my children or myself, and often he wouldn’t allow us to have money for groceries. I taught piano with a baby on my lap to feed and clothe us. I don’t know what he did with his income – which eventually grew to well over six figures.
I discovered that he had a pretty thick porn habit (probably spent 15 – 20 hours/week at it) early in our marriage. When I confronted him with it he blamed me and the verbal abuse started in earnest and never stopped. Verbal abuse is so painful – he would specifically use whatever thing he could to make me feel awful about myself while maintaining that I was crazy and could never be loved or accepted by any other person. He would also throw things at me occasionally, or do things to scare me like raising his fists and grinding his teeth. He had isolated me from my friends and my family and my ability to work or to get an education and I believed what he said.
After about four years of that I began to realize that I had never resorted to calling him names, or talking badly about him behind his back. He had put video surveillance and microphones in every room of our house to monitor me while he was at work and he monitored all of my email and phone correspondence – I had never done that. By then he had spent a decade lying to me about anything and everything under the sun – I had never done that to him either. He often forced me to have sex with him against my will, I was not allowed to say no. Period. I never did that to him.
It became obvious to me that what he felt towards me was not love and was utterly void of respect. I stayed for the kids, and because I was afraid of the repercussions of leaving him. He began insulting me to my oldest daughter. When he started belittling me to her in my presence, I realized the marriage was long long long over and that I would not be able to have good relationships with my children if I stayed. When he realized that I would be leaving him soon he held me hostage in a car for three hours in an attempt to make me stay. He tried to sabotage my ability to work. He also threatened to take my children, threatened to kill himself, and threatened to leave the country and disappear.
I began dating not long after I left him. My abuser threatened by boyfriends life. When my abuser began dating, he claimed that his girlfriend would “tear me to shreds” if I ever talked to her. I enrolled myself in school as soon as I could (8 months after leaving him) and he moved to Europe with his girlfriend. He would correspond with my children via video chats. But because he did not have any responsibility for putting them to bed, or feeding them, or making sure they showered… he would talk to them at all hours of the day, seriously undermining my ability to parent them. His girlfriend would do the same. I could hear their voices on the computer when I was helping my children with homework, or doing my own studying or even trying to sleep. Eventually I put my foot down and cut him off. He could not come into my house at all hours of the day anymore. I gave him two specific appointments each week when he could visit with the kids. He threw a fit and contacted every member of my family, my lawyer, my friends… And you know what??? He doesn’t even bother to call half of the time. For him it is all about control.
He recently decided he would be moving back from Europe. I have moved about 45 miles from where he used to live so that i could be closer to my school, and so that I could be away from all the memories of him. Before he has even returned he has already filed two “emergency” motions trying to convince the court to force me to move back to where I used to live. He has tried to convince the judge that I am a “hedonist” who doesn’t put my children first because I moved to go to school.
At this point I accept that I will probably have to deal with this man trying to manipulate, control, and threaten me through my children for the rest of their childhoods. It is harder to accept the lies he tells to our three daughters and the hurt that he causes to them by his coming and going.

By: meli

meli — Sat, 14 Apr 2012 07:24:15 +0000

Hi,well let me start by saying!! I’m 29 my baby father is 41 we have two children together I already had three,first relationship was bad I got cheated on and hit.then I met him he was nice we moved in together and its been almost seven years.during all this years he called me bitch whore crazy mood swings and so many hurtfull names. I admit I done it back to make my self feel better.but here is the problem. He ignores me he truck drives for weeks and comes home. I’m just a piece of furniture. I caught him on porn websites.and god knows what. I’m so dumb I didn’t go back to work its been six years. I cry every night and I can’t leave I have no money family to help me untill I get on my feet . Every week he is home I’m unhappy as soon as he leaves omg!! I do things with my kids. I need to leave his verb abuse is killing me. He tells me he hates me and he is sick of me telling him about woman he looks at. He makes me feel so ugly! I wanna have wings and fly.