5 Stages Women Go Through Before Leaving a Man Who Abuses
Leaving a Man Who Abuses Is Harder Than You Think
Leaving a man who abuses isn’t easy or simple. These stages of abuse that many women go through are based on research – and they do not mean that an emotionally or physically abusive relationship is a woman’s fault!
But first, a breath of fresh air from diva Tina Turner:
“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says this woman who was abused by her husband for 16 years. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
Letting go of a man you love, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. One of the most important things is to learn why you’re staying with him — what’s holding you back.
For help, read The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel.
And, here’s what research shows about the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…
5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Situation
According to a University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I.
Stages 1 and 2 of leaving a man who abuses
“In the first two stages, women begin to disconnect emotionally from their relationships,” said Khaw. You hear them say things like, ‘I started not to care for him anymore’.”
Stage 3
In this stage of leaving an abusive relationship, women go through a collection of episodes of abuse. They start to notice the effects on their children.
“Women make preparations to leave, such as finding a place to stay or secretly saving up money,” she said. “This stage is important for women as they switch from thinking about leaving an abusive relationship to actually doing something about it.”
Stage 4 (going back to the abusive relationship)
“Then, at Stage 4, when women take action, we see a lot of what we call ‘back and forthing’ because when women leave, the emotions often come back,” said Jennifer Hardesty, a U of I assistant professor of human and community development. “They need clarity. They want to be physically and emotionally connected again.”
To learn more, read about the Cycle or Dynamic of Abuse – Why Women Can’t Just Walk Away.
Stage 5
Being gone for six months or more marks the last stage of ending abusive relationships.
“But even then they may have boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won’t let them go. With continued contact through court-ordered child visitation, the potential for ongoing abuse remains as well as continued confusion over the abuser’s role in the woman’s life.”
“Leaving an abusive relationship is much more complex than just deciding to change, and it involves more than a woman’s prioritizing her safety,” said Hardesty. “Other actors are involved. The abuser makes decisions that affect a woman’s movement through the stages. And children can be a powerful influence in motivating a woman to get out of a relationship and in pulling her back in.”
Encouragement to leave a man who abuses
Read How to Move Out Without Your Husband Finding Out. This is a very important article for women who want to leave a man who abuses them! It’s written by a woman who left her abuser.
And,
“Don’t wait until everything is just right,” says Mark Victor Hansen, author of the Chicken Soup series, including Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul: Your Personal, Portable Support Group with Stories of Healing, Hope, Love and Resilience. “It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”
If you can’t let go, read Letting Go of Someone You Love.
If you’d like to share your story of living with a man who abuses, I welcome your comments below. Sometimes writing about your life gives you clarity and insight!
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
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- 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner | May 22, 2011
just lost my niece to a very over powering husband. He would beat her.while kids watching.it was terrible.we know he killed her and then told cops “,she killed herself.” People have send copies of the texts she would text out to her friends..she would not listen to us anymore cause she loved him.we would point the fact that be was abusive and that only got her to stop talking to those that really loved her. These people alienate themselves to not hear the truth. She feared leaving him due to him telling her he would kill her and the kids… she would leave him and then he would threaten her and she would come back to him. She had tried to leave him several times before .SHe had filed for divorce and he was to be served that day this terrible thing happened.Please girls run when you get the chance.You can never change an animal like my niece had…… lost without my niece in san antonio texas
Why is everything on this website all about men abusing women.I worked with two guys in my old place of work.One of the guys had scratches on his neck the other had bruises on his legs from his wife had kicked him during an arguement.Admit 3 out of 4 cases it’s the man that creates the physical abuse yet when two are yelling screaming at each other then it’s the womens fault as well.
To leave an abusive relationship, you need to be a survivor and a strong woman — and believe you have what it takes to leave this abusive relationship once and for all!
i just want to say to hayley I know what you are going through i have had the smae experience as you . I finaally left my partner 6 months ago and it was hard just up and leaving with 3 children but you need to get in touch with the women refuge and they can help you do the first step .There are so many peopple that will not judge you leaving a relationship is the right thing to do,just remember that people around you do care about you there.Good luck i hope you leave thisterrible negative life and step into a new happy positve one
hi im 26 and have a2 year old and a 6month old.i have been in an abusive relationship for 2years.my family wont talk2 me and i hav no friends left,i am a shadow of who i used2 be.to start with it was just controlling,but then he started2 push me around and grab me by the throat.he is very proud of the fact that he has never hit a woman but hes hit me in the face with a belt,pushed me over while i was pregnant and threw anything heavy he can.iv been subect to sexual abuse by him also (mainly during my pregnancy),wich i feel a lot of guilt for as my son was premature and was in intensive care for a while.i feel like such a bad mum,i promised myself that id never put my children through anything bad.i feel like i cant enjoy my children,i spend my life trying not2 let it effect them,but i no it does.i need the strenth2 move away,my children are worth more than what im giving them.i came on here because i dont no where else to turn.how can i love some1 like this?he is the most sly evel person iv ever met,its got2 the point of feeling suicidal,i cant live with the guilt of my children living like this,all my daughter ever seems to say is dont cry mummy,its ok………which breaks my heart as shes only2.i just dont no what to do.
My abuser looks like a model citizen to most people. He makes a lot of money, is attractive, and on the outside appears to be a concerned parent.
I was a junior in high school when I met my abuser. He was in college. By the beginning of my senior year, he had learned how to control my schedule: telling me when I was allowed to work, do homework, practice piano, exercise and which friends I could see. He even controlled how much sleep I got. By the time I was in the middle of my senior year he had convinced me to quit the swim and lacrosse teams that I had loved and participated in during the previous three years so that I could focus on him.
We were mormon, so he served a mission and I went to BYU. When he came back we got married and he convinced me to drop out of school so that I could support his schooling. He couldn’t get into BYU so we moved back to his hometown and he briefly attended OSU. I found a way to work and go to school for a year. During that time he used physical intimidation strategies like pushing and backing me into a corner in order to make me comply with what he wanted. He also began a major campaign to try to convince me I was insane. When I got pregnant (because he refused to use protection) he convinced me to quit school again. After my daughter was born, he would not support me working outside the home again during the 13 years that we were married. We had two more children. He got a civilian job working for the military and ended up making good money. But, he did not allow me to use his income to buy clothes for my children or myself, and often he wouldn’t allow us to have money for groceries. I taught piano with a baby on my lap to feed and clothe us. I don’t know what he did with his income – which eventually grew to well over six figures.
I discovered that he had a pretty thick porn habit (probably spent 15 – 20 hours/week at it) early in our marriage. When I confronted him with it he blamed me and the verbal abuse started in earnest and never stopped. Verbal abuse is so painful – he would specifically use whatever thing he could to make me feel awful about myself while maintaining that I was crazy and could never be loved or accepted by any other person. He would also throw things at me occasionally, or do things to scare me like raising his fists and grinding his teeth. He had isolated me from my friends and my family and my ability to work or to get an education and I believed what he said.
After about four years of that I began to realize that I had never resorted to calling him names, or talking badly about him behind his back. He had put video surveillance and microphones in every room of our house to monitor me while he was at work and he monitored all of my email and phone correspondence – I had never done that. By then he had spent a decade lying to me about anything and everything under the sun – I had never done that to him either. He often forced me to have sex with him against my will, I was not allowed to say no. Period. I never did that to him.
It became obvious to me that what he felt towards me was not love and was utterly void of respect. I stayed for the kids, and because I was afraid of the repercussions of leaving him. He began insulting me to my oldest daughter. When he started belittling me to her in my presence, I realized the marriage was long long long over and that I would not be able to have good relationships with my children if I stayed. When he realized that I would be leaving him soon he held me hostage in a car for three hours in an attempt to make me stay. He tried to sabotage my ability to work. He also threatened to take my children, threatened to kill himself, and threatened to leave the country and disappear.
I began dating not long after I left him. My abuser threatened by boyfriends life. When my abuser began dating, he claimed that his girlfriend would “tear me to shreds” if I ever talked to her. I enrolled myself in school as soon as I could (8 months after leaving him) and he moved to Europe with his girlfriend. He would correspond with my children via video chats. But because he did not have any responsibility for putting them to bed, or feeding them, or making sure they showered… he would talk to them at all hours of the day, seriously undermining my ability to parent them. His girlfriend would do the same. I could hear their voices on the computer when I was helping my children with homework, or doing my own studying or even trying to sleep. Eventually I put my foot down and cut him off. He could not come into my house at all hours of the day anymore. I gave him two specific appointments each week when he could visit with the kids. He threw a fit and contacted every member of my family, my lawyer, my friends… And you know what??? He doesn’t even bother to call half of the time. For him it is all about control.
He recently decided he would be moving back from Europe. I have moved about 45 miles from where he used to live so that i could be closer to my school, and so that I could be away from all the memories of him. Before he has even returned he has already filed two “emergency” motions trying to convince the court to force me to move back to where I used to live. He has tried to convince the judge that I am a “hedonist” who doesn’t put my children first because I moved to go to school.
At this point I accept that I will probably have to deal with this man trying to manipulate, control, and threaten me through my children for the rest of their childhoods. It is harder to accept the lies he tells to our three daughters and the hurt that he causes to them by his coming and going.
Hi,well let me start by saying!! I’m 29 my baby father is 41 we have two children together I already had three,first relationship was bad I got cheated on and hit.then I met him he was nice we moved in together and its been almost seven years.during all this years he called me bitch whore crazy mood swings and so many hurtfull names. I admit I done it back to make my self feel better.but here is the problem. He ignores me he truck drives for weeks and comes home. I’m just a piece of furniture. I caught him on porn websites.and god knows what. I’m so dumb I didn’t go back to work its been six years. I cry every night and I can’t leave I have no money family to help me untill I get on my feet . Every week he is home I’m unhappy as soon as he leaves omg!! I do things with my kids. I need to leave his verb abuse is killing me. He tells me he hates me and he is sick of me telling him about woman he looks at. He makes me feel so ugly! I wanna have wings and fly.
Where do I begin .. I’ve been in a relationship for 10 yrs.It started out great! I was young early teens he was a little older then I was.We partied had allot of fun smoked weed frequently until I became pregnant for the first time with our son.I quit everything. He continued to drink n smoke sometimes he’d come home other times he wouldn’t. He was dedicated to his work but loved the party.one night he drank a bit much and pulled a knife on me when I was 9mths pregnant. He sobers up after a long while and didn’t remember doing it. Few years pass were having a backyard bbq he and his friends were up drinking after mine had all left or crashed for the night by this time I was pregnant with the 4th . He took off from the house I got up from bed wondering where everyone had gone he left the doors open flapping in the breeze and I wasn’t to happy and made sure to let him know tht which was a bad idea because he attacked me. One of his friends tried to stop him while the other cheered him on. Then we were ok for another few yrs then pregnant with the 5th an argument started again and another knife came out. Now only a few nights ago I got sick food poisoned and I was lying down he came over took the blanket I had and kicked me off the couch and layed in my spot. Me being sorta mouthy I’ll admit said you just wait till your sick he attacked me again. I hve huge bruises under my arms my 4 older children were playing outside @ the time he stopped when I fell right near my youngest and she started to cry.so like usual after all our spits spats etc.. He goes n packs a bag and I ask him how can you do this to me I’m supposed to be someone you love and care for he slapped me in my face and told me to shut my mouth. This abuse is not an all the time thing only once in a blue moon so sometimes I question am I really in an abusive relationship!?! I don’t know. All the times before I’d down play it oh it’s only a bruise oh he only shoved me. I’m supposed to get married this year and I do love him I know he does love me or at least I think so he is a good guy and a very good person the majority of the time.is this my fault do I drive him to the point.I don’t know.. He is now @ his moms place she is sick right now and really plays it up and he thinks she is dyeing I know different but won’t say anything to him. I know she thinks he does everything around here because he really has everyone believing he is a vic and I’m just a lazy b***h. I clean all day everyday I give him everything and anything nothing seems good enough but then there are other times when e is very appreciative :s I’m so f***ed up I dnt know what to do cause this isn’t an every day thing..
I am a 27yr old woman, trapped confused and baffled how I ended up this way. I am with a man who everyone thinks has his sh*t together, the perfect man. But really he is a mentally abusive a$$hloe who has major issues, and who uses my children against me.
Hi,
My name is Tammy. I live in india, am indian, this is my pet name. Ours was arranged marriage. i am going through highly mentally abusive husband who is very normal as per everyone’s say but only i know the truth. he is highly mentally abusive. he blackmails me every single way. there is not even a word of communication between us. He does not want to be a part in our lives (i have 8 year old daughter) and we are not a part of his life in every single meaning in every way. there has been no connection physically also right from beginning. Daughter is the result of my initiation and even after that he says, “u wanted to do it.” Oh my god, in spite of all this i have been bearing all that until date. How do i leave him, he is the one who is paying bills. in india woman leave everything and go to live in grooms house where they are not allowed to work. No one is believing anything i say because he is acting outside of everything being so normal. Even my parental side do not feel anything is wrong. Whoever tries to talk to him about our relationship, he excuses himself out of it. Very cunningly manages his freedom. He is not bothered about us in any way. in between he would do little things like bring 3-4 T shirts for daughter and thats it. He never initiates talk or anything. Worst part is my in laws support him and accuse me for everything, even his sisters. Can anyone please suggest what i should do as i am 39 now.
I was with a man for 2 and half years. At first, it was great, as usual, but his wife had left him so I was on the watch out. The verbal abuse started very subtly, commenting on my clothes, appearance, loud laugh, how I interact with others. Gradually, it became worse, criticising me constantly about everything, would laugh if I got mad, or hurt, saying he was only joking etc. Didn’t ever get physical, as in hitting me, altho did throw my bag across the room in a temper, but that was only once. Did put his hands on my neck, pillow on my face, but always in joking fashion, now I’m beg to wonder. Loved when he made me mad. He’s on medication for depression, but loved to tell me I am the mad one. Now, all of a sudden, for the last three weeks, he has stopped picking up the phone when I call, will only reply to texts. At first, told me he was ‘thinking’, last week said he will get in touch soon. I don’t believe him. I feel we’re finished. Anyhow, I should not go back. My dilemna now is, how do I face up to the fact that an abusive man left me? Isn’t it usually the other way around? He is def. playing with my head at this stage and I realize now that it is part of the abuse. Hopefully, I will get over all of this soon. Very disappointing, as I am in my fifties and was thrilled to have met someone at this late stage of my life.
I just finished readin Amy’s story and have to say You Go Girl! I’d love to hear that you’ve done,your out with the kids and laughing and he’s looking a the lowlife scumbag fool that he is! Reading the words “I just want to spit in his face” was something I relate to, but my ex (of only four days) has done it to me one to many times and it sucks but I can imagine doing it to him who is the one who deserves it, would be soo satisfying! I am 25 and have an 8month old baby and his father has been abusive right from the get go to be honest, but he is clever! Picking and choosing his moments and coming crawling back with all the right lines, I felt sorry for him more than anything! Then we found out I was pregnant which we were happy about and everything felt right about it, but I was being fooled and things just progressively got worse he used to have me cowering on the floor begging him to stop fully pregnant and just all belly, when I think about it now it blows my mind that he could do that, but anyway my son was born on my 25th bday and he was away on a Europe tour with his band and six weeks later he returns, things were ok, but he was always away with his job and the band on tour with their new album, soon enough I get sick of being alone and all of a sudden he quits his jobs “to appease me” what the hell? It all went down hill from there it used to be every couple of weeks I get shoved and pulled to the ground by my hair, punched thumped kicked spat on and at,taunted shoved into closets, then be made to feel sorry for him and letting him back in with the promise it’ll never happen again, but it always did so 14stiches later a fractured and then incorrectly healed coccyx (tail bone) ect ect in the weekend just been I was kicked into the wardrobe unable to get out while he emptied the contents of my deodorant can under the door to me then that night threats about rape and beatings every time he thought he could hear me cry a hiding in front of my son followed by a fully serious and close call smothering with a couch cushion which my baby starting to cry was the only reason he stopped it! And then the next to hours of being ordered and followed around by him hitting me pulling me to the ground and kicking me while begged him to please just let me take my son and just leave, I have just yesterday filed to the courts for a protection and parenting order he has bail conditions not to contact me, but he has he wanted to tell me how much he loves me. Which is soo f***ing sick it makes absolutely no sense! I let go today ad it was my lawyer who has had her own domestic violence experience five children a half medical degree and is now a fully qualified top of the line lawyer who chooses to work in the family court to help and protect women like us opened my eyes and quite simply during our paper process educated me! Oh my god! I feel empowered to be a women we are amazing creatures our abilities are just limitless and these thugs with all their filthy games and manipulation come into our lives and disrespect everything it’s just unbelievable and I always used to think it will never be me and it was/ is! But I’m proud to be me and it’s these experiences who make me who I am today but there is no way I will ever let any make the same mistakes if I can, I think women in this position really need to be educated, I found facts really effective, you know they made me go ok well if that’s what the statistics say then I better get the f out of there bcos I will be just another statistic soon and to my son I’ll just be a pretty face on a bit of cardboard! F that breaking your soul and clouding your light your need to stand tall do what you gta do and keep this in mind; The secret to Happiness is Freedom and the secret to Freedom is Courage! I think that deep down inside there somewhere there is a little girl well just past her is the biarch that stands tall with her shoulders back and her chin up and when you find her she will prob say something like “nah F**k That S**t we’re f***ing outta here befor I have this c**t for lunch” and you’ll do it your own way and as soon as you reach out and mean it all the pieces will fall into place, believe in youself!
here I am about to leave the Man of my life who I met twenty years ago but he is also my abuser… I finally packed my bags today and i;m leaving him… then why do I feel so damn hurt like someone stuck a knife in my back? I know this is the right thing for me and my kids but why am I thinking about changing my mind? I feel like its so hard to let go but at the same time I wanted to let go a long time ago… but I want to know if I let go of my abuser will the abuse stop?
will I get my life back? I just want to live again and let all of this negative s**t go… please send me your comments and your thoughts every little bit counts..
thanks for taking the time out to read about me, be safe, and God Bless …
My husband is a pastor and we have been married for 10 years with a six year old son. I am currently in a very sexually and emotionally abusive relationship and have been for the entire 10 year marriage. I am trying to take steps to leave but I am very afraid. I really don’t want to disappoint our church family or relatives because they think that we have the perfect marriage but I am miserable!
one life not a rehearsal find the strength and break free from abuse.
I will share my story,I am a 29 year old mum of 3 young children,I ended a 10 year abusive relationship 4 months ago and it was the best thing i have ever done,I had broken up with him before about 5 times,the final straw was when i felt my identity and who i was slipping away,i just wanted to break away from the relationship,my initial first step was seeing the womens refuge to see if they could help me,then i sought a place to live for me and 3 children, i done this secretively,and finally left when he was at work,my dad helped,i spoke to my dad finally about the abuse about 2 weeks before i moved out ,after 10 years he had no idea ,as my ex was so charming to people around him when he was around me,he fooled everyone,i was scared to even talk to my father about it,i was scared of my exs reaction if he knew i had been talking to him.I have lived in fear with his mood swings and quick temper i always tried to keep the situation calm for my children,also dealing with my child who was diagnosed with adhd was very hard at times,i am still healing now as it has only been 4 months and it can only get better ,my children see him once a week now,he is being nice to me now,he still wants a relationship with me ,as hes told me and cried showing emotion and tried all the tricks in the trade and said that i am breaking this family apart and blamed things on me,i told him that their will never be a relationship anymore i will not stop my children seeing thier dad,but am now on a new journey in healing my new life one day at a time i wish anyone who is in an abusive relationship to get out as soon as possible,i lived it for 10 years and my children seen it,the grass is greener on the other side,no body should put up with anysort of abuse
I’m not sure where to start.
I was a single mother of a 2 1/2 yr old when I met this really sweet charming guy that whirlwind romanced me and 3 weeks into dating he was picking out rings..i thought I was somethin special cuz who could love me that much that fast! We were married after only 3 months of dating. And even after we agreed I would go to school before expanding our family..he convinced me we needed to hurry and have a child because his mother was having a pacemaker put in and she had waited 16 years for a grandchild.
I was 20. Very impressionable still and agreed.
3 Mos preg he started acting different..accusing me of cheating and lying.while he traveled for a living I stayed home and worked at a local hotel as a front desk clerk. And no matter the money I put into the account, we were constantly in beg numbers. He would say its because he had to pay for expenses out of town..but he had a perdium.
I had our son and he kept getting stranger.
He asked odd sexual favors,bought toys and started secretly having people watch our intimate times. When I discovered that I put an end to it and tried to get away. At that same time my family needed me and I started fighting for custody ofu siblings as my mother was no longer mentally capable.
Because of the state needed proof of a good home..as I was trying to divorce this mand and still get the kids his threat was he would tell the case worker I was not stable if I left him. So I stayed. But he started getting physical..shoving me into the dresser because I wouldn’t let him on the computer..another time peanutbutter in my hair because I was going out to my girlfriends birthday party and he changed his mind about my going.
He was constantly telling me I was crazy. I did t know what I knew or when I would ask about an incident, if I couldn’t recall dates then I was making it up. It got to the point that I was questioning my sanity.. When I discovered gay websites on our computer and he had propositioned me with a3 some with another man I was floored. Then as a surprise for our 7 th anniversary ,took me to a swingers club and I wake up after passing out drunk and he’s having sex with an older woman in the same bed I was sleeping in..i was so disgusted I told his mother everything..
He admitted and begged forgiveness.
I stayed the remainder of that year but with a plan..and he treated me worse than ever. Changed the locks for laughs and started having women calling the house that he had met online..before I was ever gone.
Finally I got out with my children a whole mile up the road.
We were given joint custody but during his time he passed our children off on his parents..he stalked me at work and parked outside my apartments. Broke into my car cuz he had the code..and left notes begging me to come home. Poems and flowers..then when I did t respond to those I got hundreds of calls a day.
I got the police involved and was told unless he threatened my life there’s nothing I could do.
A year later with his on and off harassment, I finally met someone else..got married and moved away
90 miles..with the approval of my atty since I was custodial parent..and I had told him and his family for 3 mos I was moving( get ur shit in writing!) I was served with a motion that forced me back within 30 miles and that my children were in danger. The judge made us agree to 30 miles or my x would get custody.
So with all the phone records and stalker evidence and falsified records and statements he managed to get MORE rights to our kids and run off the guy I was with. Then he started transfering $ back out of our joint acct I was forced to keep for child support deposits..until I had more overdraft charges than I had income..i reported this and he was court orders to have it taken out of his paycheck..but in the meantime I lost my car and my apartment. Which landed me back in his house..renting from him..ha! Ain’t that some shit! So for all yall that wanna get away! Good luck. If u got kids they will become a weapon.
I love my kids and I sit here pissed that I was forced to come back here! And he loves me now more than ever. He says he can’t survive without me and I belong to him.
As he grabs my ass to tell me that ALL of me belongs to him
M. I want to spit in his face.
Ask me about my plan this time. And when im done here he will wish he woulda just let me go.( I won’t hurt him physically I promise) im not crazy..its a brilliant plan..he shouldn’t have made me his obsession.
i shouldn’t have come back,but its hard when as a mother you want to protect your children and the man uses his $ and education to manipulate your lack of education or finances to control your every move.
This will be a happy ending! I will save myself and my children. And he will cry.
Hi, I just left my husband of 12 years from abuse. It had become so normal I didnt even know any different. Now i find the truth about him, how he cheated on me many times then subjected me to sexual abuse. Then there was the physical and mental abuse and the threats and blackmail that I suffered for many years. In the end he left me no choice but to drive myself to the local police ststion at 2am in the morning after I had given the children to my parents as I would never leave them with him like that. I had no idea what was going to happen when I arrived or even if they could do anything and I was welcomed with open arms and given so much support I think I am still in shock at the ammount of support I have received. But this took me 12 years to finally leave so I understand that it is not easy and cannot be done over night. I knew when I left that it had to be ready and strong so that I would not waiver back. I tried to leave peacefully on many occasion but he would not let me so it had to come to the DVO and kick out order as they call it. It is a hard and long road but every day that goes bye makes me realise I made the right decision and my life will get back on track and I can learn to be happy again. I left on the 19th Dec 11, so it has nearly be 2 months but I am determined to stay strong and never go back to the misserable exsistance that I lived in for 12 years. My advice is to take the help available and make the right choices for you and your family and pray that maybe someday the other person will receive the help and healing that they too need. I also recommend using some spirtitual guideance to stay strong and have something new to focus on that is only going to help with your own healing.
Sometimes what seems so scarry can be the best thing you will ever do for yourself and the others around you that also suffer in the events.
I even now feel bad for what happened as he was told to leave with his personnell belongings and that was it and I am in the house with the kids, but I just have to keep reminding myself that he choose his own actions and behaviour and that I cannot control.
Good luck
Thanks for sharing your experiences with the stages both men and women go through before leaving an abusive relationship. While every situation is different, I think there are a few common themes.
The most important commonality is that leaving an abusive relationship is a lot harder than you think.
You don’t need to read books to get through these stages — if you can find an in-person support group for abused women, you’re halfway to healing!
Blessings,
Laurie
I think men go through these same 5 stages or maybe I’m not a real man. I have been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. The first 2 years I didn’t understand what was going on. I’m starting to see I have to leave, but I’m worried about my daughter. She started calling her mother a “mean witch”. I honestly never taught her that, she associated from her children’s books. Her Mother blames me and has now taught our daughter to call me an “a**hole”. Her mother hits me when she gets really upset, I’m a tough guy with a high pain tolerance so I take it or block it. I would never hit her. I’m worried she may hit our child when I leave. I’ve tried to record her behavior, but as soon as the camera is rolling she acts like a different person. After reading this article I understand my toxic cycle of trying to leave. As soon as I’m back with her my self worth is torn to pieces. I wish there was more advice for men in my situation.
I am responding to the ladies above. I am a nurse to. I have always been very strong. I was the one my friends looked up to. I have independent and have a 2 beautiful boys, beautiful house, and a great job. I am just getting out of an abusive relationship. I kept saying I was going to be single soon to all my friends. Yet, I never really done anything to get away. I am only out of it now only because he attacked 2wks ago and was arrested and part of his bond is to stay away. He called me from jail, I didn’t take the calls from him. He then text and called me as soon as he got out. I did not talk to him. The last contact was a few days ago. He called from a private number When I answered it was silence I kept saying hello finally he says in the most pitiful voice just want you to know I’m sorry. Before I thought I said you don’t know what I look like. Then there was a long silence and he said I love you…I quickly hung up, that was Sat. I went to my friends houses and kept busy. I talked about how I hated him, how I wanted him to suffer. This is his 3rd offense CDV this one is high and aggravated. Its been 2wks, I still have bruises. I have been so angry and afraid I havent barely cried. I would stand in front of the mirror and just think of how horrible I looked and how no man should do this and it was working! until… his sis called 2days ago at first I was furious at her. Then I broke I came home I was afraid again and crying heavily I was in a different state of mind. I apologized to her and we cried together. I have crying all day today and feel empty. I cant figure out why. When we were together I hated him most days. I felt like he was ruining my life. Why I am so worried about him now? Why do I wish I could see him yet i am glad I cant. Why is that the bruises are almost gone that it doesnt seem to be as horrible as it was before? I thought he was going to kill me. I had to run to my neighbors for help. Why is I think over and over in head where did it all go wrong?
I suppose I”m stuck in one of the first few stages.Mine is verbal not physical.
After 19yrs of begging, pleading, counseling etc I threw the towel in. I want out. I’m too permanently damaged by him to stay with him. I see no good in him or us and don’t want to.
I started attending CoDA meetings (codependents anonymous) about a month ago and am working on me.
However, when I actually tried to go he turned into a horribly monster. Told me he would do anything it took to keep his son. Not coming home to his son every evening was not something he would ever accept. Threatened to ruin me through his mouth on something bad I did years ago.
Says he loves me, that regardless of the hundreds of times I tried showing him how he was hurting us, NOW he finally “gets it”. Says he can and will change and loves us and wants us. but if I decide not to give him another chance there will be heck to pay because he’s not going to lie down and take it.
I’d want someone to be with me because they wanted to not because I threatened to blackmail or mentally hurt them. So now I’m stuck hoping one of these final stages comes soon.
Huh…. Im so confused. I love him. It wasnt always like this. It started after his mother died. he takes everything out on me. Idk. I love him so much. I just want to be with him. Sometimes he picks the fights just so he could hit me n tell me how sorry he is. I feel even more attached to him after he beats me . I guess cuz I’m out here without any family or friends. So all I have is him. Idk. I just wanna be with him. My first real love.
Dear Tabatha,
Thank you for sharing your experience here! I’m so glad to hear from you, and I admire you so much. You’re a survivor, you’re a strong woman, and you have what it takes to leave this abusive relationship once and for all.
Leaving is a process, though. As you know, it can take a long time to detach from your husband. It IS confusing, especially when he knows exactly what buttons to push to make you go back to him.
Sometimes knowing about the origin of the abuse – why he’s an abuser – isn’t enough to stop the behavior. Is he in counseling? That’s the best way to trust him – if he’s getting professional help.
Have you learned about the abuse dynamic? I interviewed a counselor for an article about abusive relationships for BC Women’s Hospital, and she describe how abuse works.
I wrote about it here:
The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away
Please feel free to write your thoughts here anytime you wish, no matter how disorganized or chaotic they seem to be! I don’t care if you don’t make sense
I just want you to have a safe place to express yourself.
Blessings and prayers,
Laurie
Hi my name is Tabatha and I have been separated from my emotionally abusive husband for 14 months. I have read The Emotionally Abused Woman, that helped me so much. I just forget and need to refresh my memory. I have also started reading Emotional Blackmail- that book is informative as well. I haven’t yet read a book that gives exact examples of my particular situation but I’m sure like many woman it is complex and complicated. I have decided twice I need to file for divorce and each time I 2nd guessed myself. I am a strong woman in many ways…I work hard, I am a nurse, I have 3 children and my little sister lives with me so sometime its like 4 kids. I am not where I was in life at least but not yet where I want or need to be. I still struggle deeply with life issues regarding my marriage. It is like living in a fog. Little by little the fog clears, each day and sometime I go backwards. My husband and I went to individual counseling for several months…I feel his counselor was a bit nutty with all due respect I just clashed when I met with her on one occasion. We went to this marriage class at my church earlier this year and it was informative in the christian sense of marriage and yet I felt pressured by the instructor of that class…I feel pressure from my husband still. I really suffer from confusion a lot and I know that is a side effect of what emotional abuse does to a person but yet the mind is so complex and just living day to day I’ve found is the most difficult part of life. So many challenges and so much pain. I hope this email isn’t completely and utterly a mess as I feel my thoughts need to be better organized or written down sometime I feel that may help. My husband is still trying so hard to win me back. He has been giving me gifts and money and claiming to be changing for the better and has admitted to his abusive ways and realizes the reason of the abuse’s origin. His father is that way. My most recent challenge has been trying to see the light, again, I feel he has changed in many ways and has made improvements but yet it seems his personality is him, it annoys me, he annoys me…I resent him and its for valid reasons but I feel so lost right now. After talking with him on the phone for 3-5 minutes I am so tired, tired of hearing his voice- tired of listening to him talk and be positive about “us”. He knows how I feel and that I’m not in love with him, that I have many doubts about our marriage working out. I wish I had the money to file for divorce but I do not. I have axiety about it really…just typing about it now makes me anxious and tense…I feel scared that he will not be as nice and his true colors will prevail. Regardless of that I have played in my mind what he may do or say and I think I can handle that but I can’t tell him I want a divorce- I have to file first- then tell him. I’m just a mess in this area of my life and wanted to share with someone else. I will try to find those books you suggested too. Gaining more and more knowledge about the complex workings of an emotional abuser or manipulator and being involved with that person has helped me more that anything and these books I’ve read have been like tools of power but sometime they are hard to find. Thank you for your suggestions…I need to go write them down right now so I do not forget the titles and when I have some cash go to barnes and noble.