Sometimes the signs of abuse aren’t seen on your physical body. (image by Diamond Farah, flickr).
Leaving a man who abuses isn’t easy. These stages of abuse many women go through are based on research; it’s important to remember it’s not her fault she’s in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship.
But first, a breath of fresh air from diva Tina Turner:
“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says this woman who was abused by her husband for 16 years. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
Letting go of a man you love, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. One of the most important things is to learn why you’re staying with him — what’s holding you back.
If a man is abusing you, read The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel.
And, here’s what research shows about the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…
5 Stages of Abuse – Leaving an Abuser
According to a University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I.
Stages 1 and 2 of leaving a man who abuses
“In the first two stages, women begin to disconnect emotionally from their relationships,” said Khaw. You hear them say things like, ‘I started not to care for him anymore’.”
Stage 3
In this stage of leaving an abusive relationship, women go through a collection of episodes of abuse. They start to notice the effects on their children.
“Women make preparations to leave, such as finding a place to stay or secretly saving up money,” she said. “This stage is important for women as they switch from thinking about leaving an abusive relationship to actually doing something about it.”
Stage 4 (going back to the abusive relationship)
“Then, at Stage 4, when women take action, we see a lot of what we call ‘back and forthing’ because when women leave, the emotions often come back,” said Jennifer Hardesty, a U of I assistant professor of human and community development. “They need clarity. They want to be physically and emotionally connected again.”
To learn more, read about the Cycle or Dynamic of Abuse – Why Women Can’t Just Walk Away.
Stage 5
Being gone for six months or more marks the last stage of ending abusive relationships.
“But even then they may have boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won’t let them go. With continued contact through court-ordered child visitation, the potential for ongoing abuse remains as well as continued confusion over the abuser’s role in the woman’s life.”
“Leaving an abusive relationship is much more complex than just deciding to change, and it involves more than a woman’s prioritizing her safety,” said Hardesty. “Other actors are involved. The abuser makes decisions that affect a woman’s movement through the stages. And children can be a powerful influence in motivating a woman to get out of a relationship and in pulling her back in.”
Is a man abusing you?
Visit the Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-7233 TODAY.
Encouragement to leave a man who abuses
Read How to Move Out Without Your Husband Finding Out. This is a very important article for women who want to leave a man who abuses them! It’s written by a woman who left her abuser.
And…
“Don’t wait until everything is just right,” says Mark Victor Hansen, author of the Chicken Soup series, including Chicken Soup for the Recovering Soul: Your Personal, Portable Support Group with Stories of Healing, Hope, Love and Resilience. “It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.”
If you can’t let go, read my article about letting go of someone you love. It’s one of my most popular articles on Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals.
If you’d like to share your story of living with a man who abuses, I welcome your comments below. Writing about your life can give you clarity and insight.
Dear May,
There is so much going on in your life – no wonder you’re confused! You’re coping with a lot of both good (beating cancer) and difficult (your relationship with your husband).
I encourage you to sit down with a professional counsellor, and talk about your options. You need a sounding board, someone who is objective and trained in the art of helping people see their lives and relationships clearly. I can’t do this for you.
You might also consider a trial separation or marriage counselling. I don’t know what the best option is, because there are factors I’m not aware of. But, there IS a way to cope — it’s just a question of finding it!
I hope this helps a little — I also encourage you to keep writing out your feelings, struggles, and possible solutions. The more you write, the more insight you’ll (hopefully) gain. You need to keep getting this stuff off your chest.
Please feel free to come back anytime, let me know if you contacted a counsellor or someone else objective.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Terri,
I wrote this article for you:
Why Can’t You Leave an Unhealthy Relationship?
I hope it helps, and that I hear back from you! I asked you a question at the end of the article
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Kerry and Miyu,
Thank you for being here! You are taking steps to leaving the man who is abusing you, and I’m happy for you and your kids. It’s a tough road, but the short-term pain of leaving is worth the long-term gain.
Keep the faith, and stay strong. Come back anytime to let us know how you’re doing.
Blessings,
Laurie
Thank you ladies for sharing your stories because it has help me. I will leave for good this time and I will never look back.
I have a five year old daughter and been with my boyfriend for over 10 years. He wasn’t there for his child’s birth because he was with another girl and taking care of her two kids. I took him back because our little girl and I love him. He dosen’t think he is abusive but he is. He is verbly abusive, lies, munipulative, cheats, steal and use drugs. After four years I moved out of state but came back to him because he said he was going to kill himself and there was no one to watch my child while I worked. I came back and nothing really changed. I knew I should have never came back. I had a miscarriage last year and I didn’t even get really support from him. I supported his ass for years and he take money away from his own child. She loves her dad so much and that hurts me so bad because I know he’s no good for her. My heart, mind, body and soul tells me to run as far away from him as I can. He makes me feel like I am the one who’s strange, stupid, useless, ugly and worthless. Yes, he scrays me but I know he’s not going to do shit. My family knows what he has done to me and they hate him. I know there’s a light at the end of this tunnel and I can’t wait to see it. He doing the same shit his father has done to his family and his brother. Yet he doesn’t want to see.
I’m reading everyone’s comments and almost feel guilty posting this because my situation isn’t as severe, but maybe my perception is just completely messed up. I have been in this marriage for 18yrs. My husband barely talks to me and spends most of his time at the gym/tv/computer. He has always been obsessed with money/making money. When we were first married I didn’t notice as much because I had great friends and co workers and made my own money. Actually, at first I was the bread winner. When our first child was born I became a stay at home mom. He wasn’t happy about it but I wanted to be home with my baby and stood my ground. It turned out our child was special needs and required round the clock care. He was in complete denial and couldn’t understand why I couldn’t handle motherhood when all the other moms could, wanted to know what was wrong with me. I even believed him until a doctor told me about my child’s challenges and said I would need lots of support and help. He refused to help and wasn’t going to change his life, even after I had a nervous breakdown from exhaustion he told me I was acting stupid, but still no help. Over the years he began to control all of the money/investments. After the birth of our second special needs child it was all I could do to take care of the kids and didn’t pay much attention to the finances. He invested a considerable amount and locked it up in stupid stocks so when it came to needing extra care/therapies for the kids he wouldn’t let go of his money. He was sure the stocks would be worth something someday. I told him our family is worth more now. Our relationship became strained. He showed less and less affection. Barely communicated unless he was doing a critique on my housework or how my body was starting to look like crap. When people would visit our home and comment on how clean it was and it had to be hard to keep up with kids and the house, he would point at me and say that’s the housekeeper and cook there and made it clear to me that he expected those things from me in order to earn my keep. If I’d ask him for money to buy things we need he would say “Okay, we don’t have it, but okay, we’re in debt.” I’m nervous every shopping trip to buy anything. It’s not a normal way to live. He’s starting to take the same critical attitude with my older son with the teasing and belittling and that’s where I draw the line. My son can’t cognitively understand all of that stuff and it makes him upset. I’ve explained it to my husband, but he just says that he’s being funny and I’m taking it wrong (even though my son’s crying). Or he’ll tell me it’s between him and my son and nothing to do with me. I tell him that he is OUR son and we need to parent him positively and together but he just repeats, “it’s between him and me”. I’m so confused and don’t know what to do. I want him to just go, but my boys really love him and he does love them too. He needs help to be a better father. At this point I’m honestly not interested in him trying to be a better husband anymore, that ship has sailed. Is it possible to separate with your spouse and still be under the same roof (different rooms)? My kids honestly would be devastated if they didn’t see him come home from work everyday. They’ve been through so much this past year with a new move and me getting cancer and (thankfully) getting through it. I just don’t know what to do…..
I’m a prisoner in this house, I don’t know how to get away from him, I know he loves me, but I’m so tired of being abused and. Controlled and verbally and emotionally abused. Recently it started getting physical with him punching me. I was going to leave but he keeps saying all the right things to keeper here, he won’t work, drinks and I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be free if his hold on me. What is wrong with me?
Wow. I am amazed at how many of us find ourselves in an abusive relationship. I was in denial, or hoping I was “good” enough to change him. I am finding out that my mate of only 8mths has a history of abuse and violence. I have not ever been hit physically, but he has destroyed me emotionally. He lies like no other, sells drugs and wont keep a job. He recently was arrested for a warrant and I for the first time had access to his cell phone. I am disguted at how many women he communicates with, and scared I may have an std or aids!!! OMG! I have beeen screamed at, called bitch more than my real name, helped him out financially to be told he cant pay me back. He pulls these disappearing acts. Then acts like he never left. I tremble just at him raising his voice. He punches holes in walls, breaks things and then is sorry pitiful and tearful!? Its so emotionally draining. I have finally admitted to close friends, and went to Domestic Violence counselor. I hate that I have taken his bullshit, verbal attacks and dr jekyll and mr hyde personality. I am tired of living on egg shells, feeling guilt for his issues. God help me. Thanks for allowing me to express myself
Dear Angela,
I’m glad you found the strength to say no to him! It’s awful about your bruises, but I am relieved you found the courage and strength to stay away.
I hope other women are able to find strength and courage in your story.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear trying,
It sounds like you have one foot in, and one foot you! You’re trying to leave, but self-doubt and fear are keeping you there. Your husband is manipulating you into second-guessing yourself.
I wrote this article in response to your comment:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/do-i-tell-him-im-moving-out/
I know you’ve already told him you’re moving out — but I want you to know that he is following a predictable pattern of trying to manipulate you to stay! He is playing on your insecurities and self-doubts, and he knows how to push your fear button.
You know the right thing is to keep moving in the direction you’ve already initiated, but you’re scared. It’s okay — and normal! — to be scared.
“To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.” ~ Katherine Paterson
Tell me what you’ve decided to do!
Blessings,
Laurie
Happened across your this site tonight. I have got to get out of this relationship. I am just praying for the strength and means.
I paid the homeowners insurance and the accountant who did our taxes and guess what? Yep, even though I talked with him about these expenses and even told him the totals the days I paid them … I was yelled at and threatened and as I was cowering in the corner he kicked me! I am done! I went to dr. earlier today and I have a sinus infection and my throat is so painful! When I came back home, all he said — yelled– was shut the door. Seriously, can I get in the door first and how about asking what the dr. said. He just doesn’t care! I don’t know how I am going to do it, but I am outta here. I have no money and so many bills and debts, but I have to get out of here. I feel like I am dying and my kids — my poor kids — deserve so much more! I have a special needs child and he is no help with her. I just do not understand his behavior. He is so angry all the time and just hateful. I hate him! His own mother won’t even speak to him anymore! I am tired and just feel like I am dying! I will stop now. Thank you for offering a safe place to let it all out and such wonderful resources!
Dear Angela and FinallyFree,
Thank you for sharing your stories here – you are an inspiration!
It’s always hard to leave, no matter what stage of an abusive relationship you are in. Hold on to these stories of hope and strength, and use them to find the courage you need to take care of yourself.
Leaving is hard, but staying is harder in the long run (though it seems easier).
Hello,
I have been reading everyone’s stories. Many of your stories inspire me. It’s been 5 nights since I left my emotionally abusive husband. I am 29 years old and I have been with my husband for 10 years and married for 7. We have never had children as I never felt it was a good time to have them. I felt that our marriage would not have been able to handle having children. A couple of years ago I started researching what was wrong with our relationship. All the stuff I found on emotional abuse was me. I printed some stuff and put it in my journal. When I did this I started to document what was happening in our relationship. After another episode of me not being able to do anything properly and me wanting to discuss it at some time and being told that I just had to let it go, even though I was very upset. I threatened to leave and he just kept doing his work he bought home with him. So I stayed and the next day I looked through my journal. I realised the emotional abuse was in a cycle and that my emotional needs will never be met staying with this man. The next day he went to work and I packed my stuff and left. I am now staying with family, who support me in my decision, however were somewhat surprised to hear what had been going on. As a child I watched my mother being physically abused, which was emotional abuse that I suffered. I never thought I would be with an abusive man. I guess I didn’t realise what emotional abuse was for a long time. He also often blamed my sensitivity and lots of other things on my childhood. I am yet to sort out what I am legally entitled too and I am somewhat relieved to know that I no longer have to walk on egg shells and hope I don’t do something to upset him.
I’m 53 aend been married for 31 years, we have 3 children and the last one is going to leave for collage in the fall.
he has always been abusive.and i dont understand , we have money a nice house thats paid for 3 health kids. why isnt he greatfull
sometimes its better then worse again, he says its my falt because the house isnt clean enough or i spent money without asking first.
I have been free from abuse now for 25 days. I was always so afraid to talk. I felt shame for being in this situation, guilt for still hoping he would change or the anger and abuse would go away, and confusion for still having loving feelings for a man I just wished would die and let us be free. But then I talked. One night four weeks ago a very dear friend came to see me and I just started talking. And talking. And talking. I just couldn’t stop. I had to tell her, I had to get it out. For years I just used to think ‘hit me already, so someone will see the bruises and then I can leave’. Sexual abuse, exploitation, threats, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, isolation, financial abuse, terrorizing, bullying our children, property damage, abusing our family dog and making us watch, substance abuse, drug trafficking… why the hell did I feel like he had to hit me in order to finally have a reason to leave?! I had a realization last night when I was giving my children a bath, and that was ‘Oh my God, I’m not afraid right now. I don’t have to be afraid that he will come through the door and drown all three of us in the tub.”
Ladies, I have read your stories, and I GET YOU. Fear, confusion, poverty, lack of resources, still having loving feelings for your partner. I GET YOU. But it is NOT ok for you to feel afraid in your relationship. Healthy relationships do not include fear. Did you hear me? I said, healthy relationships do not include fear. Get out and stay out. He will promise anything to maintain control over you, and I know you don’t want to go back. The only thing following this honeymoon phase is abuse. Yes. You are allowed to make decisions to keep yourself and your children safe. Speak up. Speak up. Speak up. Speak up. Speak up. Speak up. Ask for help, and you will get it. Ask for help and you will get it. Ask for help, and you will get it. You and your children can have a safe life. It’s not going to be easy. The past month I have been a friggen wreck, just trying to keep my shit together until the kids fall asleep so I can fall apart. But it gets better. No one said this was going to be easy, but you know, decisions that are worth our time rarely are.
Please, stay strong. You can do this. You can get through this night, this morning, this afternoon, making supper tomorrow, getting the laundry done. You can do it without him. You don’t need his shit. You are worth so much more than living in fear. Remember Dory from Finding Nemo? Just keep swimming. Come on girl, you can do it. Just keep swimming. Get your ass the hell away, and stay there. Just keep swimming. Its fucking hard, but just keep swimming. One hour at a time, get away, stay safe, don’t let your guard down. You are mama bear protecting her cubs. Do it. Get out and stay safe from abuse.
xoxo
I have been dating a man I met 6 months ago. He relocated from another state (Texas). I absolutely adored the texas accent. We spoke on the phone and sent text message/emails daily. We went to New Orleans in January for my birthday. I noticed he started raising his voice to me “at times”. I let it go. I noticed he started calling me and texting me more while he was at work and I was home. He works nights. I work days. He asked me if I wouldn’t mind staying at home while he was at work. I would go to the show with my friends or out to eat. They are women friends. He said he had trust issues and he asked me if I wouldn’t mind staying at home on the nights he was working. I said ok. When he took me to New Orleans, we had a disagreement which led to a big argument. He did the yelling, I listened. I was in another state with this man and he had the plane tickets. In the middle of this argument, I tried to leave and he blocked the door with him sitting in a chair and told me not to leave. I wanted to leave. I let him calm down, he apologized a million times, told me it would never happen again. I said OK. Last weekend, I was at his house, we had a disagreement. He started yelling at me. I said enough, I grabbed my purse, my phone and my keys and proceeded to leave. He stopped me. He physically threw me in the bathroom and told me he did not want me to leave. He said WE were going to talk. He took my purse and broke the handles, he took my phone, my keys. I tried to open the bathroom door and he threw me to the floor. He said that was an accident. He turned around for a second and I was able to push him out of the way and I was running to the door and he tackled me and again threw me down. I have bruises on my elbows, knees and hip. I was determined to get out of there. He started crying and grabbed me and hugged me and asked me to please not leave him. He would do anything I said, he would buy me anything I wanted??? I made sure he was calm, told him what he wanted to hear. I was not able to leave until the next day. That was last Sunday. He has sent me emails and text messages asking if I was going to spend the weekend with him like I have in the past. His days off start on Thursday and he goes back to work on Monday night. I would usually go there on Thursday night. Well, today is Thursday and I told him NO, I will not be there. I won’t go there ever again. I am very grateful for website like this. I learned a lot and I am glad I am a strong person and I picked up on the inital signs of how an abuser starts. I know I am in the early stages and I don’t want to find out about the “later stages”. I know he is going to continue to contact me and if it gets to be too much for me. I can always call 911.
Dear Laurie
I thought about being honest & telling my friends and family but never do it…so many secrets and so little truth…. The cheating the beatings the hurt,I feel its to much to tell and I feel like a hypocrite when I tell the truth. Im glad I can say it here…
I am 30 yrs old and am now trying to leave my husband. We have a young son who I am afraid will grow up to be angry and emotionally and verbally abusive like his father. He has never laid a finger on me but his words and moods cut like a knife. I never know what will set him off he doesn’t shout or scream and swear at me unless provoked, but the simmering anger and menacing way he has when he is upset has been enough to train me not to speak up for myself or do anything to further anger him. I guess seeing the way he handles our son when he loses control is what is pushing me out the door…convincing me that I am not imagining this. I’ve packed and told him I’m going, taken most of my things to a family member’s house but Im struggling to find the strength to take that last step. Since I’ve said I’m leaving he has used my childhood against me, saying I grew up in a broken home so I think its okay to tear our family apart, blamed my post partum depression and the meds I take for the depression etc. and basically any little flaw he can dig up to make me second guess myself. He apologizes and says he knows he’s hurt me and it will be different but in the same breath will say how its my fault. He can twist ANYTHING i say to suit his theories about how really its me. I’m trying so hard to be strong and go, but when you have spent 15 years learning to doubt yourself always its so easy for him to manipulate you. I’m afraid to take my son out his home and afraid of what will happen after.
Dear heartbroken,
How do you feel about being honest about your relationship with your friends and family? You won’t be the strong one anymore, who everyone goes to for advice.
You’ll be more equal to others, more real, more authentic, and more lovable. You’ll be human, and your relationships will grow stronger because you will learn how to receive love, help, and advice. You won’t just be giving it from a position of power and strength. This is a GOOD thing, a very healthy way to be.
We can’t be strong all the time, or weak all the time. A whole, healthy woman is weak sometimes, and strong sometimes. Needy sometimes, and giving sometimes. It’s all about balance.
Dear Laurie
No I have not told anyone,its always a,I fell tangled in the bed sheet and I hit my forehead with the door or,we were playing around amd he hit me with his head on “accident” To all my friends and family I am thatstrong woman,direct always helping and giving advice but never usingit , I’m the gir with the perfect strong mind and weak with love and self destruction,that’s what I call it….
Dear heartbroken,
Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story here! Many women can’t tell anyone when they are being abused – it is embarrassing and even shameful to admit. It takes a great deal of courage to tell what you’re experiencing.
Being scared to leave is normal. You’d be leaving what you know for a totally new, unpredictable life. It’s difficult to take a risk and leave an abusive relationship, even when you know you should.
Have you ever told anyone in person what you’re going through? A friend, family member, or someone else you trust? It’s okay if you haven’t, and I’m not pushing you to talk about it. I’m just curious if you’ve taken that step.
Dear Tia,
Thank you for sharing your experience with this man. You are a very strong woman, and I respect you a great deal.
May your story inspire other women who are being abused to look at their lives a different way…and eventually leave.
Blessings,
Laurie
When I read its like I’m reading my life, its so sad,he just beat me up right now,while he was drunk,he is so troubled and I don’t know why I continue to try to help,when he beats me I think that no wonder does women kill their husbands,but I love him so much that I can’t see him in pain,I would not hurt him,I know if I leave I will be better,but I’m scared to leave,my legs hurt from where he hit me,since I was trying to avoid gettin hit in my arms or face,since I don’t want anyone to know,HOW DO I GO….I have 2boys wityh him’and crazy as it sounds he is great to them,but I feel like he hates me,since I forced him into this family thing he don’t know,I fel like one day he will kill and I feel like I allow it. I want to go and be happy wity my boys I adore them, but I can’t seem to get up and go.
After empty threats and verbal abuse he at last took that next step and actually beat me. Not just a slap or push. He knocked me all over our apartment. When I got up, he knocked me back down. He chocked me and refused to let me leave the house. I grabbed our 2 month old baby and headed for the door. He stood in my way and demanded that I give him my phone. I could not give it to him, it felt like I would be handing over my life. So I pretended to look for it and when he turned his back I bolted out hte door, barefoot and holding my baby in a blanket. I called my brother in law who came and took me back to the apartment that my husband had lef, I collected my things and I left. I will never go back to this man who put my life, and the life of my child in danger.
Thank you for sharing your stories here. I am so sorry you’re in an abusive relationship, and I wish I could help you figure out what path to take!
My prayer for you is to get as healthy and happy as you can. Connect with people who love and support you, and remember that the journey to the good, fulfilled live that you deserve won’t be easy…but it will be worth it.
Blessings,
Laurie
Oh my dear women….
I read all of your posts and I find something in each one of your stories that connects mine to yours. The similarities are unbelievable.
I have been away from my abuser now for 1 month. Only because he is in jail. Last month he violently attacked me, which he had done many times over the past two years we were together. But this time was different. This time he pulled a gun on me, which he had done several times in the past as well. But this time he actually fired 2 shots at me. One went through my arm into my stomach, and the other grazed my leg.
It is by the grace of God that I am here to tell this story. I layed in bed and bled for 2 hours because he refused to call for help and had broken my phone earlier. When an ambulance finally arrived, they arrived just in time to save my life.
The man that I love almost killed me.
And sick as it is, I still love him.
Somehow, though, this is a blessing. If it had never happened, I would still be with him cause I was that deep into it. A combination of fear and hope kept me from realizing that my life was on the line.
Now I’m trying to get better. Reading and writing, imagining my future. I’m putting myself first which I haven’t done in I don’t know how long…
In the words of Maya Angelou – ‘Still like dust, I rise…’
I am 29, two kids from a previous relationship and first marriage. I am a full time honor college student and I have turned on my attacker. I feel like this is and has escalated to a point of no return. I no longer wait for the threats, downgrades, and physical abuse I’m all over him like a raging mad woman. My toleration for his shit is at an all time low. We have previously broke up lived seperately but my need to have a family and his support along with his fake promises of change I get sucked right back in. I HATE HIM. My kids are young 6 and 9, their father abandoned them. I feel so terrible for them and what they are going through. With issues of the abandonment my husband plays on that with the “you’re taking my family away” but my kids are wise and truly know he speaks of me not them but none the less it is highly upsetting and then I become the bad guy! I too have undergone physical changes due to the appearent onset of depression, yet he constantly accuses me of adultry. He is the guilty one of that might I add. I wish I could just run away, disapear, or he fall off the face of the Earth! Another thing I would like to mention because I didn’t see this in previous statements my husbands characteristics: He is highly dependent on my presence and affection, he is obcessed with me, he has good days for about 3-5 days then all hell breaks loose for 2-3 weeks and this is a regular pattern, he is a pathological liar, more juvenile than my children, CONSTANT VICTIM, demands sex constantly, molests me in my sleep then denies it happened or say “oh you was wanting it”, deflects all his problems on other things like he has no control of his actions (victim),prevents me from leaving when I have class/work/kid functions/interactions with friends/family, cries on cue no problem, multiple dementions to his personality to the point where he has “no memory of what he JUST said or did”- which I dont believe – He tried medication for bipolar and depression which he and his mother were convinced his life depended on although there was no medical doctor who would diagnois him bipolar-They found a med pusher- needless to say that fail!
I could go on for days about his behavior it is endless and I have been dealing with this for much too long. Like I had formentioned above I have turned on him. I am not afraid to fight back and it gets ugly and unfortantly he has attacked me in front of my choldren and I fought back leaving him injured therefore making me look dangerous to my children- they do not understand he was the agressor because the fighting is pretty much relentless.
I need a way out before it gets any worse!
I previously made contact with the safe house in our community but I am not alowed to bring my personal items my property or pets and I am in no situation to just completely start over and I consider my dog as a child I am afraid my husband would kill him as he has threated before.
I understand there are books to read but possibly putting for contact information for real help out there would help so many like myself. I would like to close saying this I feel bad for hitting my husband in selfdefense I truly do, I feel his psycho behavior has caused me a bit of insanity I can no longer control I feel like a caged animal and it is my only way help myself a switch just flips and I go HAM on him it truly terrifies me. I do not recommend any other women to fight back for it could have great consequences than you are already experiencing.
Dear Unhappy me. I hope I can help. I have just left an abusive relationship. I had to change my number and block his emails. When I met him I too was slim., happy and confident but became frightened and drank alot of alchohol to help me though. The abuse was progressive until i no longer knew who I was anymore. Then for one last time he hung up the phone on me and was leaving me for weeks at a time, hen coming bacj when he wnated to. I felt suicidal. My freind told me i had to cut ALL CONTACT to get out of it. She was right. I have now been completely away from my abuser for two weeks and had to take valium and sleeping tablets, and am still in emotional pain, but it is lifiting day by day. PLEASE PLEASE try and leave. PLEASE. you CAN do it, andmust do it. Do you have anywhere you cna go ? you may need to just pack and leave one day when he is out and NEVER EVER ahve any contact with him again. x
Hi,
Am writing some stuff about abusive relationships and landed here to read what you had to say about the stages women go through before they leave. Anyway, just wanted to comment on the ad – I think it is an ad – that appears in the middle of the article and note how inappropriate it is. I’m not in an abusive relationship now, but if I were looking for support and working up the courage to leave, as I once did, coming across “How to get your ex back”, “Stop the divorce and save your marriage” and “How to captivate a man and make him fall in love with you” would have been anything but helpful. Perhaps you can get your ad people to run a different algorithm or something.
And, while I’m here, a big shout out to all you women (and men) who are leaving abusive partners!!! It’s not an easy road and sometimes you’ll have little support even from those you believed knew what was happening, but make the break. And, if you think there is no good reason to, go look in the mirror, remind yourself how strong you are (you’ve survived this long, remember), and you deserve to live without fear.
Dear Erica,
I answered you here:
Why Doesn’t He Love Me the Way I Love Him?
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.
Blessings,
Laurie
please i really need help
this is my story
i married my second husband 4 years ago he changed once we married
i should have realised something was not right when he refused me sex on our wedding night
he has some sort of mental disorder i think
he is very emotionally, verbally and mentaly abusive he always yells shouts and swears at me
i cannot do a thing right and everything is my fault
he puts me down and shows me up in front of others
he lies steals things
he witholds sex and affection he is a bit of a hypconcriac always says he sill or tired and makes me massage his supposed sore shoulders, back knees
he never ever does housework he leaves food clothes rubbish around for me to clean
im scared of him
he controls money he is very angry, controlling and manipulative
i have no freinds job car or money
i have kids from a previuos marriage he hates them
i joint own the house with him but most of the things in the house are mine
ive nomwhere to go or cannot support myself or my kids
i live in fear and like it when he is at work
its like walking on eggshells with him
his moods change so wuickly
he has debts and spends what we dont have
he uses my credit card.
im in tears most of the time
i was once a happy confident slim woman
now im a shell of my former self
im a crying overwieght woman with no confidence or self seteem
i wish he was dead
theres no love or affection
Ive never commented on a post, im always the one to just read what others have written and try to gain from that but every story is different, and i really need advice. I am 22 years old and been with my boyfriend on and off for 3 years. i have a 4 year old son with another guy, but found out few weeks ago im pregnant! when i tell my story people are going to think im absolutly a IDIOT for remaining with my boyfriend, ive heard it a million times and i know people are right. But love is definetly blind! My boyfriend physically abused me back on feb.1,2011, it was extremly severe and could have resulted in death if i didnt get the chance to run for help! My boyfriend was a severe alcoholic at the time and is now 5 months sober due to the fact he has to be. we seperated, he was in jail for several months for the incident.He abused me few times before this incident but not nearly as bad, and few times after, which was a punch or two only that one time was it SEVERE! It was a huge impact in my life and changed me forever. after months passed i was able to forgive him, i dont know how but my love for him was so strong it made it possible, i still not have forgotten what he has done, but i try to look past it. Theres been numerous pain caused on both ends, and i know our relationship is probably broken, but i keep hanging on hoping its fixable. I give him alot of love and affection and want it back so badly, but dont seem to be recieving it. ive tried talking to him telling him what i need more of, and its like he doesnt try to even take it into consideration. i so badly want his love that its emotional killing me inside, i find myself crying alot. And im pregnant with his child, and its something he’s said he wanted numerous times, but now that its happened theres been talks about abortion. And he’s not excited or happy, so its extremly difficult for me to be excited about my pregnancy.Our sex life is not the same, we would have sex multiple times a day everyday, and now i find myself wanting it but he barley does. He says he still loves me, but im unsure i feel like he is just staying with me because he’s comfortable and its familiar to him. Im really hurting and i feel alone, no one wants to give me advice because they dont even think i should give him the time of day, and there probably right, but there are good times that no one sees! im completely torn, i just want to be loved, i dont know whho to turn to anymore or the next step to take!
And if you want to read about the domestic assault to get a understandingt of that as well, you can go to google, type in brandon larsen feb.1st 2011 domestic assault with strangalation Oakdale, Minnesota!
i extremley appreciate any advice and critisism. Please dont hold back i really need some honesty!
To the above reader.. you have got to get yourself together. An abusive relationship can make you believe things that aren’t true and brain wash you. I myself, have left a emotionally and physicallly abusive relationship of five years. Whenever I attempt to leave this man he threatens me, keys up my car or comes over un invited to my house where he threatens to hurt me if I don’t let him in. So then my emotional behavior let’s him in and he takes control of the whole conversation. He gets irate and intimidates me. You’ve got to put yourself first and ask yourself what is keeping you tied to this man. Something about you has to change bc obviously he will not change. Change you. I’m not going to say hate him, but don’t think of the good times if there were any. And keep a daily journal this really helps. I know I’m going through a tough situation myself but I know that I’m a loss to him. He has never helped me or made me feel safe. And he can quickly give me happiness but in two seconds snatch my happiness away. And he knows that. I will continue to ignore him and remember why I dislike him so much. He’s done nothing but hurt me and made me miserable. But my life will go on.
I left my husband 4 days ago after 2 years of abuse. I pocket called 911 from the car and they found me an arrested him. The sick thing is I miss him terribly. I must be just as sick. We have a 7 month old so Im doing it for him more than for myself. I feel like I’m a bad mother by taking him from his dad but I feel just as bad for keeping him in that environment.
I’m staying with my family in my home town. I hope these feelings I have of missing him get better.
It’s the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Good luck to all women out there in recovery. We’re not alone.
I haven’t wore shorts in weeks; It’s 80 degrees & I’m in a long sleeve. Nobody is surprised by the marks anymore; or by the fact that I always go back..
People stopped asking questions months ago, now it’s pretty much expected; yanno?! Like socially accepted!!
But; I haven’t stopped counting..33 bruises from head to toe, one identical to the remote. A spitting image; buttons & all! but what hurts worst; is when the other girls call.
33 bruises; that’s just your average daily..please god save me?!?!!!
I’ve always had natural beauty; Now the abuse is all you see.. 33 marks of insecurity; 33 marks of the beast; a once beautiful body; NOW LOOK AT ME!
one vanishes only to be replaced by two..Two fade & then comes four; it’s escalating; there’s always more; i don’t even tear up anymore; to numb to even cry..replaced by 5;
hi Sara,
i read you post and it brought tears to my eyes as i was married for 3years and in the same situation as you.i know how you feel.i left my husband 4times but always went back even though the abuse was getting worst each time i went back and just like you i had no one apart from my aunty who knew it all.i finally found the strength to definitely leave him when he left me to die whilst i had an ectopic pregnancy was in terrible pain and he denied taking me to the hospital.i walked during an hour myself to get there, i didnt have a phone to ring anyone neither money as he kept my bank card and ids so he could control my money.stayed in the hospital 4days and he came once in the hospital and told me he was happy to see me suffer, and it was like a blessing anyway that the baby is gone.i came back from the hospital and the abuse didnt stop he wanted me to leave his house the next morning at 6oclock to go to work i refused as i got week off,he doesnt work and was afraid id lose my job and he became aggressive.i then left and went straight to the police station for the first time and a really nice woman took my details and i told her everything from the beginning they took a statement and arrested him and put me in a place of safety where he couldnt find me.i was scared,really scared but thought if i’d stay i’d die.since then i started the divorce procedure with the help of an dv organisation and solicitor got an injunction and im starting to breath again, i do have terrible nightmares but i think thats all thats left of it.please huni please do not let it get too late, there are people out there to help, dont think you are alone.he always said to me no one will ever believe you i thought he was right but he wasnt.you deserve better and the sooner you leave the better .be strong.
x and hugs
sarah
I got married year before n intially i was happy with my marriage but my husband start doubt on me even on going out he used to say ur not with me but with go n marry him n all other things some times on watching tv to eating food he torture me like any thing later it goes worse when my sister in law come to live with us n he was going through some economic problems now sitution is more worse when my sister in law concey our normal fight to her parents n her parents get involved worstly n now my parents more than husband n wife fight it became parent parent n our marriage is on divorce ene but i dont want to end my marrriage as i love my husband so much..please help me.
hi ive been in an abusive relationship for almost 3 years, he wasent always like this, it used to be good in the beginning but after the first year he started gettin over protective and abusive.
in the second year it got worse, all my firends stopped talking to me cause of him, i have no one left now except my mom and she has an idea but i never admit to it. i am alone and need help.
it has gotten extremely bad, he wont let me leave, last time i left him and went and stayed at my moms, she was away, he smashed her front door , got a hold of me punched me extremely hard in the left temple and left me with a concusion.
so far he has given me broken my ribs, given me multiple black eyes, suffocated me, punched, kicked and bruised my entire body, fractured my ear, broke my nose ( knowing i had a nose job)slapped me in front of all of ours peers, kicked me in the face in front of all of our peers, constantly call me names, and tell me how embaressed he is of me cause im such a hoe, even though i havent gone out in almost 2 years dont drink dont smoke, dont party, dont have any friends, dont have any type of social media account. all i do is work and go to school, and unfortunatly im falling behind and down in school cause i cant even concentratee, considering withdrawing
now its gotten worse, ive been getting beaten up everyday, yesterday he gave me a black eye because i question where he was going, the day before that i got slapped because i asked him about a messege, i constantly get beat up for every reason and when i threaten to leave him he threatens me and my family, every time i have tried leaving hes either stopped me and beat me up extremely bad or tracked me down and beat me. anything i do i get threaten to shutup or do something different before i get a beat down
i dont know what to do anymore, im extremely depressed rght now and unhappy, i have no one to turn to, he wont even allow me to go see a therapist or i get beat
please can some one help me.
Hello everybody,
I’m in need of advice, I have a friend that is in an abusive relationship and don’t know how to get her out. She has three kids two of witch are the abusers, she has no job and is supported on his income. She says she is ready to leave but needs to get her ducks in a row first. Her boyfriend of nine years hits her, chokes her, and verbally abuses her regularly, he is a pill popping junky. she fears that if she leaves him she will lose a custody battle because his family has money for a good lawyer. he has threatened this fact every time she tries to leave. She has never reported any of the abuse to authorities so there is no record of it. She wants to find a job and move out but can’t afford childcare. I want to take the old school approach and go give this douche bag some of his own medicine but i know that would only make things worse for her in the long run. what programs are available to help her get out of this relationship? I’m in Washington state if that helps. What should her next step be? i have promised to help her get out safely and that is what i intend to do. I just need some solid advise and some direction of where to go. any advise would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much in advance,
buddy.
P.S.
ladies there are a lot of nice men out there that would not raise their voices or hands towards. Don’t settle for these abusers you deserve better.
I know someone in an abusive relationship. Her husband has anger management issues – Yells at her for 2 hours straight at top of his lungs, chats you are a loser 50 x in row, belittles her in front of the kids aged 3/6 yo… this has escalated to the point that he has pushed her onto the floor – last 2 times in front of the children who are crying. He tends to block the doorway – so she can’t get out. He even took the door down when she made it to a room. On 2 occasions, she was set to leave. But opted to stay. She is a stay at home Mom who suffers from health problems that have gotten worse the last couple years. So, she fells that she must stay for financial support, including insurance coverage. Apparently, his mother was treated this way. She stayed in the relationship. She has been in the same home when most recent yelling happened. When my friend yelled for help, the MIL asked what did you do to cause him to act this way…. I have been supportive. But, don’t understand why a woman would stay in such a household. I worry she will end up severly hurt or worse….
And what about the kids…. Am I doing enough, or anything else I can do? Or am I going to get a call that she is dead someday?
This response is to Heather,
You may or may not realize it now while your so deep into your situation. There is a process of getting out but a plan needs to be set in place first.
1. start setting money aside
2. get you and your children’s important papers together,i.e; marriage papers, shot records, tax filings, dental, medical information, birth certifcate, school records, bank information, car deeds and so on- hide them in a safe place
3. same safe place pack clothes and toys for kids, can foods, bottled water
4. attain an injunction (restaining order) from the court and have him removed from the house,close bank accounts; if signed by the judge you will have to go to the court hearing to attain a permanent injunction of protection.
5. once injunction is in permanent injunction status, go get items and money from safe place, leave the state and start over in a faraway state. Once you are in the new state report to law enforcement that you have a permanent injunction and file a confidential address with the old court house (mail it to them) there are Advocates in most counties and all states that can help you do this.Got to have a plan of escape.
Hello, I’m a 23 and my boyfriend is 38. I’ve been abused for about 2 out of the 2 1/2 years we have been together. He has choked, slapped, punched, and verbally abused me. All my friends and family knows about it and I think my coworkers do too because I have perment bruises now. I’m ready to leave but I think I’m afraid. I’m afraid of starting a new life because he has. Are me feel like I wouldn’t be able to.
He is the typical abuser….rough childhood and never completed Any of his goals in life and I’m the opposite. So he puts me done. I’m slowing realizing that im better than what he says I am. So I don’t know what stage I’m at now. But I judged wanted someone to tell.
Dear Suzanne,
I am so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. Leaving an abusive relationship is so difficult, even when it seems like you should leave today!
You’re not stupid. You’re normal, but your perspective is skewed right now, because your abusive boyfriend has messed with your mind.
I wrote this article for you:
Is Your Boyfriend Emotionally Abusive? 4 Ways to Get Strong and Leave
I hope it helps, and encourage you to start telling your friends and family that he is abusing you. Lean on them for support, love, and guidance.
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Heather,
I can’t imagine a town with absolutely no help. Is it possible to take small amounts of clothing and stuff you absolutely need to your grand-ma’s on your way to work, over a short period of time? Then you can just leave with your kids one day. Remember, stuff is just that…stuff. The most important thing is safety and sanity. You will have other stuff. You only have one mind. You have to make sure you will not go back. Actually, going back and forth really messes up the kids; more than leaving and making a good life for yourself and them. I commend you for getting an education and working in spite of all you are going through. You are truly a strong and intelligent woman. You can do this. Don’t listen to negative voices in your head. They are lying to you. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He will suffer the consequences of his actions. You will suffer the consequences of yours. He will have choices to make without you there to save him all the time. That is NOT your job. It sounds like you are more of a parent to him than a wife. Your responsibility is to yourself and your kids. Not to him. He has chosen not to be responsible. Praying for you and your family.
Diane
So, I have been reading posts like these for almost two years and yet I have never posted anything. I have been with my abuser for 9 long..years. We have 3 children together that I support. He hasn’t worked most of the time we have been together probably 6 years total. He has a “job” now but only works 8 hours every two weeks. Not enough to support anything. It started when he shoved me when I was pregnant with 8 years ago, turned into choking, punching, name calling. He would leave in the middle of the night and sometimes didnt come home. When I would confront him it made everything worse, he has torn up my car, yelled and screamed names at me, held a coffee table over my stomach while I was pregnant, destroyed my house, and yet I still remain with him, I have left several times no longer than a week and then feel guilty. I feel like a bad person because if I leave he will be homeless. He hasnt touched me in a little over a year but the last time was the worst, I had to go to the emergency room etc. I feel if I leave my kids will be mad and if I stay they will be mad when they get older. He hasnt hurt them physically. He has an awful family and I can never get a word in. My opinion of something quickly turns to and argument, He states he will change get a better job, go to counseling and all that b.s. but it never happens. I can move in with my grandma but I dont know how I will get my things out. I rent not own. But Im terrified because once he has no where to go he will be furious and make my life miserable. I know i need to leave, and I know Im not perfect I have name called too but only after the fact that I feel so cornered and cant get through I try to show him how ridiculous this is, but it makes everything worse. I try to be nice and then he starts taking advantage of me asking me for money or a massage, and I dont want to I so emotionally battered I hate him. I know they say go to a shelter go to counseling, but how, when , where nothing is available and I dont want to lose my job I have been there 2 years and Im going to school. I thought being gone more would make things better, but it hasn’t. I need to leave and I have tried being an adult by saying to him ” staying in this relationship isnt healthy for either of us” but he doesnt get it oh if you wouldnt do this I wouldnt do this he says.OMG there is no reasoning Im so burnt out. Our whole relationship has basically been me at home, besides work and school. So Im not allowed to go out and we never go out together.I am at a loss for words, but I needed to get all of that off of my chest.
You guys should look up Sam vaknin’s YouTube videos, he talks about gaslighting, projection, codependants, narcissists, psychopaths, abuse, what to watch for with counselors, and other stuff.
Dear Suzanne,
You are not stupid! don’t call yourself names. This feeling you have is normal. When we are in an abusive relationship, we want to see the good in our man. We cling to the “honeymoon phase”, which is after the blow up when everything is good and you feel like you are his princess. Just remember that that feeling only lasted a short time, until the next time something happened that he didn’t like, and the violence escaladed. It’s like an addiction. It can be broken; you must be strong. A good counsellor could help you with this. Focus on getting healthy and breaking the addiction. It could take a long time but when you are finally healthy, you will be able to have a relationship with a man who treat you with respect and love ALL of the time. That will be a lot better than having to endure abuse to get a little bit of affection or kindness. You may want to read Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty and you can look for a Codependent Anonymous group in your area. You can do it! Diane
Hi, i am a 22year old girl. 4years ago i became besotted with a man 7years older than me. He was my best friend and i thought i had fell in love with him. For four years this man had cheated on me or attempted (before he was caught) to cheat on me. I forgave him so many times as i was so emotionally attached to him. He then began to lightly abuse me, would call me names push me or throw things at me. It began to get worse he then broke sweeping brushes across my back, spat on me and even continually punched my face so hard i ended up in hospital. This man used to take my expensive phones and break them he used to demand what we would watch on telly demand when i go to bed or what room i could be in. One night i went to bed early as i was tired and it seemed because i never “asked his permission” he came in and cut up my clothes before my eyes. I never told anyone what i went through and still havnt. This man would constantly emotionally get inside my head and apologise so much and say he would change. I went back once but i have no left the for the second time after he had took his belt off and whipped it across my stomach.. I am very emotionally attached to this man and can sometimes bizzarely miss him when i think of what he was like when he was not abusive, but my best friend. I know i am stupid for even havin these thoughts but i cant help it. I dont ever want the feeling to want to go back to him. Please help!!
Well my friend I was talking about sounds like she’s unsure of her decision to stay, she seemed so hell bent for leather when she chose to stay, now she’s using if/when she leaves, I personally think she’s done I just don’t think she’s really ready to take that step forward, unfortunately for me it’s really hard to read the situation because of how quickly circumstances change, and im sure she is having a huge mental battle with herself. She’s still in the honeymoon phase. As simple as the phases make this seem, the actual works of it aren’t that simple.
Dear Nicky, I am so sorry your husband is abusing you. You must feel alone, helpless, and trapped – I know I would!
I’m afraid nobody can wave that magic wand and help you leave that abusive relationship. You have to find the courage and strength inside of you, and wave your own magic want. You need to get out for your children’s sake, if not your own.
I don’t know what options are available to women in your area, but I encourage you to call the domestic violence hotline TODAY. Learn what a safety plan is, and how to end domestic violence.
You may feel trapped, hopeless, and helpless — but you’re NOT. He wants you to feel that way! Don’t let him win. You CAN leave him. It’ll be hard, but if you reach out for help and support, you can rebuild your life and be happy again.
Will you call the domestic violence hotline? The website link is http://www.thehotline.org/ .
Blessings,
Laurie
The violence in my relationship has changed it used to be throwing cold water on me whilst i sleep, taking my phone and car keys, pushing, hair pulling etc.. My husband has now realised that this leaves evidence so spits on me and says hurtful things about me, my family and my job. He makes me feel that i will never achieve anything. He has now started being this way to our eldest daughter and always puts her down. I feel such a failure on many levels. I cant move out as i cant afford it, the council won’t help me and i feel i’ve not only ruined my life but have let my children down and scarred them for life making them feel this is normal. I often wonder how they will ever have a normal relationship. I’m so down and low and feel totally trapped and worthless. I sit on my daughters bed all weekend as i’m not allowed to watch “his telly”. I would quite honestly commit suicide but cant as rhat would leave my children with him. I just wish that someone could wave a magic wand and things would be totally different. I have even started to think that all he says is true and i am stupid and will never achieve anything. The worst thing is i feel if you are hit etc then you can see the damage whereas words are so so hurtful especially when they are all your hang ups that get thrown back at you
Thanks, even though it’s hard to swallow.
I think it’s normal for women to go back and forth between these stages of leaving an abusive relationship. Much like the grieving process of stages of mourning, there is no linear path to healing or freedom. And, like grieving, it can take a long time to cope with the emotions. It’s not a linear, black and white process.
Ron, it’s so great that you’re there for her. And that’s all you can do – just be there for when she decides to leave her abusive husband. She’ll eventually make the right decision…but it may take awhile for her to get there.
The best way to support her is to accept that love – even abusive “love” – is complicated. Even women in abusive relationships find their feelings very confusing, complicated, and even frustrating. It seems that it’d be a no brainer to leave a man who is abusive and who is teaching his sons to abuse, but human beings are rarely easy to understand.
I hope this helps, and welcome you to come back anytime to share how things are going.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have a friend she got up to stage 3 I think. She was saving money up in the event she had to leave. To make a long story short. He got wind that she was thinking of leaving, because he told him not as bluntly though, and sense he’s the only source of income he withheld money, for about a month. A pastor got wind of it nd asked her of it was ok to call him. Well the guy apologized, but I know him very well we, were best friends at for 3 years, until one night I realized I didn’t mean anything more to him other than an object. Anyways she agreed to stay o work stuff out, but im convinced that man is either a narcissist/psychopath, anyways. Now see says she’s starting to have feelings for him again. I get she wants to keep her marriage intact, and I get wanting to spare her son from a divorce, but she seems to be ignoring the fact that her son is turning into a bully like his dad, even a stranger pegged him as an abuser to her face, at the moment I’ve stopped trying to convince her that he is still manipulating her. Im really just trying to understand if women ever go back to any previous stages. I still want to help, but until she’s really ready to make that step I can’t do a thing. Anybody have any advice, or should I wait hope and pray that she comes to that decision?
Wow! No words can describe the feeling I got from hearing your stories. Knowing that something I went through helped someone else makes it worthwhile to write about.
Good for all of you who refuse to let someone oppress you. How can you be everything God created you to be when someone won’t let you grow. It’s been 6 weeks and a day of freedom for me and my kids. There is peace and love flowing through the house. We all have jobs and we work together as a team. The changes in the kids, especially my 15 yr old daughter are beautiful. I did the right thing.
I started a new job last week which is very demanding. There is possibility of becoming the Manager in 3 months. It’s an exciting, challenging and demanding job. One I couldn’t have taken or succeeded in if I were still living with my husband. In retrospect, someone once told me that he was jealous of me, that’s why he couldn’t enjoy anything with me. I brought out in him the places where he wasn’t successful. I believe that now. It’s a very sad thought. It means he was extremely insecure. His rights, rules, time and schedule always came first. People rarely mattered, especially his family. That is very unhealthy.
When you start to believe what he is saying to you; if you can’t leave permanently, at least call the 1-800 number of a shelter, get a counselor and/or find a way to get out of the house/negativity through volunteer work/an exercise program/a children/mom’s hub or group. Get out for walks with the kids, go to the beach, park. If your partner wants to go with you sometimes, let him come. At least you are out. Enjoy the beauty around you; the laughter of others. Play with your kids. Think of 5 things you can appreciate everyday. Don’t let your partner into your head. That space is one you do have control of. Take nothing he says personally, then it won’t hurt so much. See it for what it is…HIS issue. Keep your mind, heart and thoughts pure. Don’t be mean, hurtful or vengeful. Just detach lovingly! I got that from a book called, “Codependent No More” by Melody Beatty. Your library should have a copy.
As for the stages of abuse: I am in stage 4 and after 2 weeks of being out of the house, I really hoped to hear from him for a few days. I had to explore what it was in myself that was being drawn back to him. Turns out I have an approval addiction. I heard some of the lies he is saying about me and I wanted desperately to explain the truth to him so he could want me back. It’s rediculous! He knows it’s not true. He’s saying those things because he’s playing the victim. He’s weak. The Truth will defend me. I don’t have to say a word to him or anyone else. I can’t afford to care about what he thinks, says or believes about me. That will suck me back in.
I have great girlfriends who have supported me through all of this. They love and accept me unconditionally and that’s more than I have ever gotten from a man. I can even get a hug from one of them when I need it. This has changed my life radically. I still occasionally crave being a couple. I always wanted to be married. I never married for love however…still trying to find out what I married for. I have been married 3 times. I am fine with spending the rest of my life alone. Enjoying life and my kids is really all that matters right now. I’ve had to mourn my dream of that happy and exciting marriage. Step families are hard. I recommend staying alone until your kids and his are out of the house.
Our culture and the media, often portray a woman needing a man to take care of her and/or her children. We get sucked into that and it’s just not true. Every man is not a good man and even a good man can be a horrible husband. Be smart. Respect yourself and stay pure. I wish someone would have given me that advise when I was growing up. It’s never too late to start over. I’m almost 50. It’s time I give myself a great life! I hope you do the same.
Stay strong sisters, Diane
Thank you all for sharing your heart felt experiences. It is helpful to women like me who is confused about the life that I am living. I have been so called married to him for almost 7 years now. Am pregnant with my 3rd angel. My two babies are amazing and God has blessed me with them. I have said and done so many things to change things but he is so manipulative that I keep oppressed and fight to maintain some level of happiness. At this level, I am not sure there is any need to say anything since I feel like I am insane with all his cheating. He will never admit to any level of not wanting to be in the relationship. I am unclear that I am allowed to leave the marriage just because there are fights! It is sad that I am never myself. It is hard for me to stay and be the best mom I could be for I spend most of my time trying to dodge him in the house since he cheats continuously but pretends like there is nothing wrong in the marriage. Should I just leave? I am sad! Never before have I felt stuck in any part of my life before… I do not think this guy understands that I would do anything about him doing whatever he wants in the marriage. Anyways, Thank you everyone who shared. I feel now that my children will be better off that I leave and raise them at healthy environments rather than stay and wallow/get treated so bad at the hands of my so called husband that is supposed to be cherishing me.
Dear Lin, Miranda, and everyone else who is leaving or has left an abusive relationship,
Thank you for sharing your experience here. I wish you all the best – I hope you have surrounded yourself with supportive, strong women. I hope you live in peace, and that the men who abused you leave you alone forever.
May you live a life of joy, peace, hope, and happiness. Keep reaching out for help — especially in person.
I just left my abusive husband a little over a month ago. We are separated but I have not made any sudden moves yet, and I make sure he sees our son every day. We were married for 12 years, during which signs were always there and he would tend to get angry with me or violent if he didn’t get what he wanted. But the last couple of years got much worse. I developed depression and stopped taking up for myself, and his violence, emotional and sexual abuse got nuch worse. I changed myself to try to change him and make him happy, but I finally developed severe symptoms of PTSD from the many assaults and threats I had received. So far things are calm, but the PTSD is now a new challenge to overcome and try to cope with and I often feel paranoid or threatened that he will assault or threaten me again.
hi i commented on this post a while ago it has been 9 months now away from my abusive ex partner , sorted out all the legal things when he sees his 3 kids ,every saturday for a day and it is working out. I have already accomplised so much,doing a course already passed half of it,given up cigarettes and i just have a better happier life can be a bit lonely by myself but i was 100 times beforehand my family hasnt really been supportive but their are others that have helped me the womens refuge and also i have the courage and strength that i am worth something and a part of society and deserve respect, but you have to respect yourself too to get respect, i am trying to be a good role model for my 3 kids and my children are happier we may not have lots of money but we have a roof over our heads, food, and are always number 1 priority, but were in a better situation then before. Just remember nobody deserves to be abused in any way emotional physically or sexually. Mine was emotional and physical but mostly emotional, I was made to feel 10cent worth every day, i believed it because it was drilled into my head i used to feel so bad i just shut down and lost who i was and in the process my spirit my whole emotional wellbeing and my children was being affected, it is good to accept what has happened to move on with your life properly and you know the warning signs of an abusive person so it dosent happen again. I wouldnt have gotton through this without the womens refuge, i felt really embaressed at first ringing them but i know i needed to make sense of what i was going through and needed supportive kind words and thats what i got.I hope everybody can live violence free
Hi Dianne,
Your story is inspirational, thank you for sharing. I left my abusive relationship of nine years with two children on May 16, 2012 in much the same way. I called my dad in the morning from work and had him meet me at home where my boyfriend watched our children to help me pack and move all our stuff out. He was there that afternoon and I only spent about 5 minutes of discussion with my ex re-affirming the fact that he should have known it was coming, I wasn’t joking when I said that I would leave (like he had apparently thought) and the day had come, we were gone. I haven’t regretted it a day since. I love him still and probably always will to some extent, but I felt that I had to leave to save myself, my children, and my soul, really. What being in an abusive relationship takes away from you only abused women will understand. That’s why I had to thank you for sharing your story, as it mirrored some of the feelings that I’ve felt since that day and it is so nice to hear that I’m not alone with those. Stay strong! And please keep writing!
So I take it stage 4 is probably the hardest stage to get past. Does the honeymoon phase in abuse have anything to do with the back and forth? I would assume at this stage the know they are in an abusive relationship but are having a hard time accepting that actually leaving is what they should do. Is there a time when they go back to stage 1?
Dear Diane,
Thank you so much for sharing how you left your abusive husband! It required so much courage, hope, planning — and you did it!!!
You’re an inspiration to other woman who are scared to take the leap. I know that your story will help them, even if they can’t leave their abusive relationships right now. Thinking is the first step to freedom and happiness!
If you don’t mind, we’d love to hear how you’re doing! Feel free to update us when you can.
Blessings,
Laurie
Two weeks ago, at this time, I was sleeping thanks to a sleeping pill; knowing it was the last night of being oppressed. My husband went to bed happy, thinking he was on top of the world. He makes lots of money; is at the peek of his career and is a great leader in his church.
The next morning, he was slower than usual to get up and leave the house. Before he left he announced that he had a meeting until 10am and he was going to work from home afterwards. Oh boy! How were we going to pack and move out in less than 2 hrs.
I had half the bedroom packed and the bed stripped before he was even out of the house. I had knots in my stomach and thought I was going to vomit most of the morning.
As soon as he left, I told my 15 yr old daughter that she wasn’t going to school because she had to pack her room. We were moving. She was shocked! She said, I thought things were better? I said it was important for her to think that. I would explain later…for now, we had to pack. She got to work. My son, 21, was up early and had helped me move what we could for 2 days before. He quickly got to work also. I had organized everything through a women’s shelter, in less than 5 weeks. As I sorted and organized for the move, my husband thought I was spring cleaning and was very happy. I was even more compliant than before during this time. I did anything to keep the peace and make him happy. I tried twice to tell him, but as usual, he wouldn’t let me speak freely. Everything I said and did had to be done in a particular order, with no emotions. He could rarely handle emotions, especially from me. In 5 yrs, we never connected. It began the night of our wedding when he wasn’t very interested in sex because he felt I wasn’t that beautiful. He had met me as a very well toned woman, however, I was in a car accident 2 months before our wedding and suffered a whiplash. I couldn’t work out. I was in pain. That didn’t matter to him. He spent 3 months withholding affection because I hadn’t given him my best body. I was devastated. This was not the man I had known and fell in love with. He was harsh with me and my kids; was almost military with routine and time. He couldn’t enjoy anything; not even his own son. He went through my emails and my journals and he suspected me of so many things. He used the Bible to prove his points and to teach me lessons. Luckily, I knew the Bible long before he came along. I could put scripture in proper perspective, but after a year, I stopped trying. I knew it just wasn’t worth my energy to argue or fight with him. I conserved my energy to find small things in everyday to enjoy and to appreciate. It wasn’t easy, but it was important for me to keep my sanity. He never physically abused me or my children; one time, he did raise his hand at me, grabbed my glasses and threw them on the floor. I think it shocked him as much as it shocked me. He then left the room if he got too angry. All of the “punishments” he inflicted upon me…like withholding affection, cutting me off of any finances, isolating me from my children…were apparently to teach me lessons so I would grow into the woman God wanted me to be.
So, now it was all going to end for me and my kids. I had to be really strong and really courageous and not feel; just pack and breathe. We didn’t worry about boxes, I had some in my trunk and we used garbage bags for the rest. I didn’t worry about the plants or special art work. I took what I really needed and left the rest. We were out of there in an hour and 50 minutes.
When we got to the geared to income townhouse, my kids and I stood in shock as we told the movers where to put things. We finally sat down on the couch to eat at 2:30pm, and my daughter said…look mom, we are sitting on the couch and eating. Something my husband would not have allowed. Then she commented that she could actually go anywhere in the house and be happy. No one was going to make us uncomfortable in our home anymore. Earlier my son had hugged me and told me he loves me. For me, these were confirmations that I did the right thing. It was extremely hard for those weeks before. I hated being deceitful, but I had been deceiving myself for 5 yrs., thinking he would ever love me for who I am or that he would ever wake up and see life as it is. I hated the thought of him coming home to a half empty house and his wife gone. Had I told him, he would have ranted and raged and tried to stop me. His biggest pain is humiliation. He would have done anything not to be humiliated. My kids learned who their mother is that day. They know how loved they are. They know that I am a woman of action, not just of words.
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To learn how she left her abusive husband, read How to Move Out Without Your Husband Finding Out
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just lost my niece to a very over powering husband. He would beat her.while kids watching.it was terrible.we know he killed her and then told cops “,she killed herself.” People have send copies of the texts she would text out to her friends..she would not listen to us anymore cause she loved him.we would point the fact that be was abusive and that only got her to stop talking to those that really loved her. These people alienate themselves to not hear the truth. She feared leaving him due to him telling her he would kill her and the kids… she would leave him and then he would threaten her and she would come back to him. She had tried to leave him several times before .SHe had filed for divorce and he was to be served that day this terrible thing happened.Please girls run when you get the chance.You can never change an animal like my niece had…… lost without my niece in san antonio texas
Why is everything on this website all about men abusing women.I worked with two guys in my old place of work.One of the guys had scratches on his neck the other had bruises on his legs from his wife had kicked him during an arguement.Admit 3 out of 4 cases it’s the man that creates the physical abuse yet when two are yelling screaming at each other then it’s the womens fault as well.
To leave an abusive relationship, you need to be a survivor and a strong woman — and believe you have what it takes to leave this abusive relationship once and for all!
i just want to say to hayley I know what you are going through i have had the smae experience as you . I finaally left my partner 6 months ago and it was hard just up and leaving with 3 children but you need to get in touch with the women refuge and they can help you do the first step .There are so many peopple that will not judge you leaving a relationship is the right thing to do,just remember that people around you do care about you there.Good luck i hope you leave thisterrible negative life and step into a new happy positve one
hi im 26 and have a2 year old and a 6month old.i have been in an abusive relationship for 2years.my family wont talk2 me and i hav no friends left,i am a shadow of who i used2 be.to start with it was just controlling,but then he started2 push me around and grab me by the throat.he is very proud of the fact that he has never hit a woman but hes hit me in the face with a belt,pushed me over while i was pregnant and threw anything heavy he can.iv been subect to sexual abuse by him also (mainly during my pregnancy),wich i feel a lot of guilt for as my son was premature and was in intensive care for a while.i feel like such a bad mum,i promised myself that id never put my children through anything bad.i feel like i cant enjoy my children,i spend my life trying not2 let it effect them,but i no it does.i need the strenth2 move away,my children are worth more than what im giving them.i came on here because i dont no where else to turn.how can i love some1 like this?he is the most sly evel person iv ever met,its got2 the point of feeling suicidal,i cant live with the guilt of my children living like this,all my daughter ever seems to say is dont cry mummy,its ok………which breaks my heart as shes only2.i just dont no what to do.
My abuser looks like a model citizen to most people. He makes a lot of money, is attractive, and on the outside appears to be a concerned parent.
I was a junior in high school when I met my abuser. He was in college. By the beginning of my senior year, he had learned how to control my schedule: telling me when I was allowed to work, do homework, practice piano, exercise and which friends I could see. He even controlled how much sleep I got. By the time I was in the middle of my senior year he had convinced me to quit the swim and lacrosse teams that I had loved and participated in during the previous three years so that I could focus on him.
We were mormon, so he served a mission and I went to BYU. When he came back we got married and he convinced me to drop out of school so that I could support his schooling. He couldn’t get into BYU so we moved back to his hometown and he briefly attended OSU. I found a way to work and go to school for a year. During that time he used physical intimidation strategies like pushing and backing me into a corner in order to make me comply with what he wanted. He also began a major campaign to try to convince me I was insane. When I got pregnant (because he refused to use protection) he convinced me to quit school again. After my daughter was born, he would not support me working outside the home again during the 13 years that we were married. We had two more children. He got a civilian job working for the military and ended up making good money. But, he did not allow me to use his income to buy clothes for my children or myself, and often he wouldn’t allow us to have money for groceries. I taught piano with a baby on my lap to feed and clothe us. I don’t know what he did with his income – which eventually grew to well over six figures.
I discovered that he had a pretty thick porn habit (probably spent 15 – 20 hours/week at it) early in our marriage. When I confronted him with it he blamed me and the verbal abuse started in earnest and never stopped. Verbal abuse is so painful – he would specifically use whatever thing he could to make me feel awful about myself while maintaining that I was crazy and could never be loved or accepted by any other person. He would also throw things at me occasionally, or do things to scare me like raising his fists and grinding his teeth. He had isolated me from my friends and my family and my ability to work or to get an education and I believed what he said.
After about four years of that I began to realize that I had never resorted to calling him names, or talking badly about him behind his back. He had put video surveillance and microphones in every room of our house to monitor me while he was at work and he monitored all of my email and phone correspondence – I had never done that. By then he had spent a decade lying to me about anything and everything under the sun – I had never done that to him either. He often forced me to have sex with him against my will, I was not allowed to say no. Period. I never did that to him.
It became obvious to me that what he felt towards me was not love and was utterly void of respect. I stayed for the kids, and because I was afraid of the repercussions of leaving him. He began insulting me to my oldest daughter. When he started belittling me to her in my presence, I realized the marriage was long long long over and that I would not be able to have good relationships with my children if I stayed. When he realized that I would be leaving him soon he held me hostage in a car for three hours in an attempt to make me stay. He tried to sabotage my ability to work. He also threatened to take my children, threatened to kill himself, and threatened to leave the country and disappear.
I began dating not long after I left him. My abuser threatened by boyfriends life. When my abuser began dating, he claimed that his girlfriend would “tear me to shreds” if I ever talked to her. I enrolled myself in school as soon as I could (8 months after leaving him) and he moved to Europe with his girlfriend. He would correspond with my children via video chats. But because he did not have any responsibility for putting them to bed, or feeding them, or making sure they showered… he would talk to them at all hours of the day, seriously undermining my ability to parent them. His girlfriend would do the same. I could hear their voices on the computer when I was helping my children with homework, or doing my own studying or even trying to sleep. Eventually I put my foot down and cut him off. He could not come into my house at all hours of the day anymore. I gave him two specific appointments each week when he could visit with the kids. He threw a fit and contacted every member of my family, my lawyer, my friends… And you know what??? He doesn’t even bother to call half of the time. For him it is all about control.
He recently decided he would be moving back from Europe. I have moved about 45 miles from where he used to live so that i could be closer to my school, and so that I could be away from all the memories of him. Before he has even returned he has already filed two “emergency” motions trying to convince the court to force me to move back to where I used to live. He has tried to convince the judge that I am a “hedonist” who doesn’t put my children first because I moved to go to school.
At this point I accept that I will probably have to deal with this man trying to manipulate, control, and threaten me through my children for the rest of their childhoods. It is harder to accept the lies he tells to our three daughters and the hurt that he causes to them by his coming and going.
Hi,well let me start by saying!! I’m 29 my baby father is 41 we have two children together I already had three,first relationship was bad I got cheated on and hit.then I met him he was nice we moved in together and its been almost seven years.during all this years he called me bitch whore crazy mood swings and so many hurtfull names. I admit I done it back to make my self feel better.but here is the problem. He ignores me he truck drives for weeks and comes home. I’m just a piece of furniture. I caught him on porn websites.and god knows what. I’m so dumb I didn’t go back to work its been six years. I cry every night and I can’t leave I have no money family to help me untill I get on my feet . Every week he is home I’m unhappy as soon as he leaves omg!! I do things with my kids. I need to leave his verb abuse is killing me. He tells me he hates me and he is sick of me telling him about woman he looks at. He makes me feel so ugly! I wanna have wings and fly.
Where do I begin .. I’ve been in a relationship for 10 yrs.It started out great! I was young early teens he was a little older then I was.We partied had allot of fun smoked weed frequently until I became pregnant for the first time with our son.I quit everything. He continued to drink n smoke sometimes he’d come home other times he wouldn’t. He was dedicated to his work but loved the party.one night he drank a bit much and pulled a knife on me when I was 9mths pregnant. He sobers up after a long while and didn’t remember doing it. Few years pass were having a backyard bbq he and his friends were up drinking after mine had all left or crashed for the night by this time I was pregnant with the 4th . He took off from the house I got up from bed wondering where everyone had gone he left the doors open flapping in the breeze and I wasn’t to happy and made sure to let him know tht which was a bad idea because he attacked me. One of his friends tried to stop him while the other cheered him on. Then we were ok for another few yrs then pregnant with the 5th an argument started again and another knife came out. Now only a few nights ago I got sick food poisoned and I was lying down he came over took the blanket I had and kicked me off the couch and layed in my spot. Me being sorta mouthy I’ll admit said you just wait till your sick he attacked me again. I hve huge bruises under my arms my 4 older children were playing outside @ the time he stopped when I fell right near my youngest and she started to cry.so like usual after all our spits spats etc.. He goes n packs a bag and I ask him how can you do this to me I’m supposed to be someone you love and care for he slapped me in my face and told me to shut my mouth. This abuse is not an all the time thing only once in a blue moon so sometimes I question am I really in an abusive relationship!?! I don’t know. All the times before I’d down play it oh it’s only a bruise oh he only shoved me. I’m supposed to get married this year and I do love him I know he does love me or at least I think so he is a good guy and a very good person the majority of the time.is this my fault do I drive him to the point.I don’t know.. He is now @ his moms place she is sick right now and really plays it up and he thinks she is dyeing I know different but won’t say anything to him. I know she thinks he does everything around here because he really has everyone believing he is a vic and I’m just a lazy b***h. I clean all day everyday I give him everything and anything nothing seems good enough but then there are other times when e is very appreciative :s I’m so f***ed up I dnt know what to do cause this isn’t an every day thing..
I am a 27yr old woman, trapped confused and baffled how I ended up this way. I am with a man who everyone thinks has his sh*t together, the perfect man. But really he is a mentally abusive a$$hloe who has major issues, and who uses my children against me.
Hi,
My name is Tammy. I live in india, am indian, this is my pet name. Ours was arranged marriage. i am going through highly mentally abusive husband who is very normal as per everyone’s say but only i know the truth. he is highly mentally abusive. he blackmails me every single way. there is not even a word of communication between us. He does not want to be a part in our lives (i have 8 year old daughter) and we are not a part of his life in every single meaning in every way. there has been no connection physically also right from beginning. Daughter is the result of my initiation and even after that he says, “u wanted to do it.” Oh my god, in spite of all this i have been bearing all that until date. How do i leave him, he is the one who is paying bills. in india woman leave everything and go to live in grooms house where they are not allowed to work. No one is believing anything i say because he is acting outside of everything being so normal. Even my parental side do not feel anything is wrong. Whoever tries to talk to him about our relationship, he excuses himself out of it. Very cunningly manages his freedom. He is not bothered about us in any way. in between he would do little things like bring 3-4 T shirts for daughter and thats it. He never initiates talk or anything. Worst part is my in laws support him and accuse me for everything, even his sisters. Can anyone please suggest what i should do as i am 39 now.
I was with a man for 2 and half years. At first, it was great, as usual, but his wife had left him so I was on the watch out. The verbal abuse started very subtly, commenting on my clothes, appearance, loud laugh, how I interact with others. Gradually, it became worse, criticising me constantly about everything, would laugh if I got mad, or hurt, saying he was only joking etc. Didn’t ever get physical, as in hitting me, altho did throw my bag across the room in a temper, but that was only once. Did put his hands on my neck, pillow on my face, but always in joking fashion, now I’m beg to wonder. Loved when he made me mad. He’s on medication for depression, but loved to tell me I am the mad one. Now, all of a sudden, for the last three weeks, he has stopped picking up the phone when I call, will only reply to texts. At first, told me he was ‘thinking’, last week said he will get in touch soon. I don’t believe him. I feel we’re finished. Anyhow, I should not go back. My dilemna now is, how do I face up to the fact that an abusive man left me? Isn’t it usually the other way around? He is def. playing with my head at this stage and I realize now that it is part of the abuse. Hopefully, I will get over all of this soon. Very disappointing, as I am in my fifties and was thrilled to have met someone at this late stage of my life.
I just finished readin Amy’s story and have to say You Go Girl! I’d love to hear that you’ve done,your out with the kids and laughing and he’s looking a the lowlife scumbag fool that he is! Reading the words “I just want to spit in his face” was something I relate to, but my ex (of only four days) has done it to me one to many times and it sucks but I can imagine doing it to him who is the one who deserves it, would be soo satisfying! I am 25 and have an 8month old baby and his father has been abusive right from the get go to be honest, but he is clever! Picking and choosing his moments and coming crawling back with all the right lines, I felt sorry for him more than anything! Then we found out I was pregnant which we were happy about and everything felt right about it, but I was being fooled and things just progressively got worse he used to have me cowering on the floor begging him to stop fully pregnant and just all belly, when I think about it now it blows my mind that he could do that, but anyway my son was born on my 25th bday and he was away on a Europe tour with his band and six weeks later he returns, things were ok, but he was always away with his job and the band on tour with their new album, soon enough I get sick of being alone and all of a sudden he quits his jobs “to appease me” what the hell? It all went down hill from there it used to be every couple of weeks I get shoved and pulled to the ground by my hair, punched thumped kicked spat on and at,taunted shoved into closets, then be made to feel sorry for him and letting him back in with the promise it’ll never happen again, but it always did so 14stiches later a fractured and then incorrectly healed coccyx (tail bone) ect ect in the weekend just been I was kicked into the wardrobe unable to get out while he emptied the contents of my deodorant can under the door to me then that night threats about rape and beatings every time he thought he could hear me cry a hiding in front of my son followed by a fully serious and close call smothering with a couch cushion which my baby starting to cry was the only reason he stopped it! And then the next to hours of being ordered and followed around by him hitting me pulling me to the ground and kicking me while begged him to please just let me take my son and just leave, I have just yesterday filed to the courts for a protection and parenting order he has bail conditions not to contact me, but he has he wanted to tell me how much he loves me. Which is soo f***ing sick it makes absolutely no sense! I let go today ad it was my lawyer who has had her own domestic violence experience five children a half medical degree and is now a fully qualified top of the line lawyer who chooses to work in the family court to help and protect women like us opened my eyes and quite simply during our paper process educated me! Oh my god! I feel empowered to be a women we are amazing creatures our abilities are just limitless and these thugs with all their filthy games and manipulation come into our lives and disrespect everything it’s just unbelievable and I always used to think it will never be me and it was/ is! But I’m proud to be me and it’s these experiences who make me who I am today but there is no way I will ever let any make the same mistakes if I can, I think women in this position really need to be educated, I found facts really effective, you know they made me go ok well if that’s what the statistics say then I better get the f out of there bcos I will be just another statistic soon and to my son I’ll just be a pretty face on a bit of cardboard! F that breaking your soul and clouding your light your need to stand tall do what you gta do and keep this in mind; The secret to Happiness is Freedom and the secret to Freedom is Courage! I think that deep down inside there somewhere there is a little girl well just past her is the biarch that stands tall with her shoulders back and her chin up and when you find her she will prob say something like “nah F**k That S**t we’re f***ing outta here befor I have this c**t for lunch” and you’ll do it your own way and as soon as you reach out and mean it all the pieces will fall into place, believe in youself!
here I am about to leave the Man of my life who I met twenty years ago but he is also my abuser… I finally packed my bags today and i;m leaving him… then why do I feel so damn hurt like someone stuck a knife in my back? I know this is the right thing for me and my kids but why am I thinking about changing my mind? I feel like its so hard to let go but at the same time I wanted to let go a long time ago… but I want to know if I let go of my abuser will the abuse stop?
will I get my life back? I just want to live again and let all of this negative s**t go… please send me your comments and your thoughts every little bit counts..
thanks for taking the time out to read about me, be safe, and God Bless …
My husband is a pastor and we have been married for 10 years with a six year old son. I am currently in a very sexually and emotionally abusive relationship and have been for the entire 10 year marriage. I am trying to take steps to leave but I am very afraid. I really don’t want to disappoint our church family or relatives because they think that we have the perfect marriage but I am miserable!
one life not a rehearsal find the strength and break free from abuse.
I will share my story,I am a 29 year old mum of 3 young children,I ended a 10 year abusive relationship 4 months ago and it was the best thing i have ever done,I had broken up with him before about 5 times,the final straw was when i felt my identity and who i was slipping away,i just wanted to break away from the relationship,my initial first step was seeing the womens refuge to see if they could help me,then i sought a place to live for me and 3 children, i done this secretively,and finally left when he was at work,my dad helped,i spoke to my dad finally about the abuse about 2 weeks before i moved out ,after 10 years he had no idea ,as my ex was so charming to people around him when he was around me,he fooled everyone,i was scared to even talk to my father about it,i was scared of my exs reaction if he knew i had been talking to him.I have lived in fear with his mood swings and quick temper i always tried to keep the situation calm for my children,also dealing with my child who was diagnosed with adhd was very hard at times,i am still healing now as it has only been 4 months and it can only get better ,my children see him once a week now,he is being nice to me now,he still wants a relationship with me ,as hes told me and cried showing emotion and tried all the tricks in the trade and said that i am breaking this family apart and blamed things on me,i told him that their will never be a relationship anymore i will not stop my children seeing thier dad,but am now on a new journey in healing my new life one day at a time i wish anyone who is in an abusive relationship to get out as soon as possible,i lived it for 10 years and my children seen it,the grass is greener on the other side,no body should put up with anysort of abuse
I’m not sure where to start.
I was a single mother of a 2 1/2 yr old when I met this really sweet charming guy that whirlwind romanced me and 3 weeks into dating he was picking out rings..i thought I was somethin special cuz who could love me that much that fast! We were married after only 3 months of dating. And even after we agreed I would go to school before expanding our family..he convinced me we needed to hurry and have a child because his mother was having a pacemaker put in and she had waited 16 years for a grandchild.
I was 20. Very impressionable still and agreed.
3 Mos preg he started acting different..accusing me of cheating and lying.while he traveled for a living I stayed home and worked at a local hotel as a front desk clerk. And no matter the money I put into the account, we were constantly in beg numbers. He would say its because he had to pay for expenses out of town..but he had a perdium.
I had our son and he kept getting stranger.
He asked odd sexual favors,bought toys and started secretly having people watch our intimate times. When I discovered that I put an end to it and tried to get away. At that same time my family needed me and I started fighting for custody ofu siblings as my mother was no longer mentally capable.
Because of the state needed proof of a good home..as I was trying to divorce this mand and still get the kids his threat was he would tell the case worker I was not stable if I left him. So I stayed. But he started getting physical..shoving me into the dresser because I wouldn’t let him on the computer..another time peanutbutter in my hair because I was going out to my girlfriends birthday party and he changed his mind about my going.
He was constantly telling me I was crazy. I did t know what I knew or when I would ask about an incident, if I couldn’t recall dates then I was making it up. It got to the point that I was questioning my sanity.. When I discovered gay websites on our computer and he had propositioned me with a3 some with another man I was floored. Then as a surprise for our 7 th anniversary ,took me to a swingers club and I wake up after passing out drunk and he’s having sex with an older woman in the same bed I was sleeping in..i was so disgusted I told his mother everything..
He admitted and begged forgiveness.
I stayed the remainder of that year but with a plan..and he treated me worse than ever. Changed the locks for laughs and started having women calling the house that he had met online..before I was ever gone.
Finally I got out with my children a whole mile up the road.
We were given joint custody but during his time he passed our children off on his parents..he stalked me at work and parked outside my apartments. Broke into my car cuz he had the code..and left notes begging me to come home. Poems and flowers..then when I did t respond to those I got hundreds of calls a day.
I got the police involved and was told unless he threatened my life there’s nothing I could do.
A year later with his on and off harassment, I finally met someone else..got married and moved away
90 miles..with the approval of my atty since I was custodial parent..and I had told him and his family for 3 mos I was moving( get ur shit in writing!) I was served with a motion that forced me back within 30 miles and that my children were in danger. The judge made us agree to 30 miles or my x would get custody.
So with all the phone records and stalker evidence and falsified records and statements he managed to get MORE rights to our kids and run off the guy I was with. Then he started transfering $ back out of our joint acct I was forced to keep for child support deposits..until I had more overdraft charges than I had income..i reported this and he was court orders to have it taken out of his paycheck..but in the meantime I lost my car and my apartment. Which landed me back in his house..renting from him..ha! Ain’t that some shit! So for all yall that wanna get away! Good luck. If u got kids they will become a weapon.
I love my kids and I sit here pissed that I was forced to come back here! And he loves me now more than ever. He says he can’t survive without me and I belong to him.
As he grabs my ass to tell me that ALL of me belongs to him
M. I want to spit in his face.
Ask me about my plan this time. And when im done here he will wish he woulda just let me go.( I won’t hurt him physically I promise) im not crazy..its a brilliant plan..he shouldn’t have made me his obsession.
i shouldn’t have come back,but its hard when as a mother you want to protect your children and the man uses his $ and education to manipulate your lack of education or finances to control your every move.
This will be a happy ending! I will save myself and my children. And he will cry.
Hi, I just left my husband of 12 years from abuse. It had become so normal I didnt even know any different. Now i find the truth about him, how he cheated on me many times then subjected me to sexual abuse. Then there was the physical and mental abuse and the threats and blackmail that I suffered for many years. In the end he left me no choice but to drive myself to the local police ststion at 2am in the morning after I had given the children to my parents as I would never leave them with him like that. I had no idea what was going to happen when I arrived or even if they could do anything and I was welcomed with open arms and given so much support I think I am still in shock at the ammount of support I have received. But this took me 12 years to finally leave so I understand that it is not easy and cannot be done over night. I knew when I left that it had to be ready and strong so that I would not waiver back. I tried to leave peacefully on many occasion but he would not let me so it had to come to the DVO and kick out order as they call it. It is a hard and long road but every day that goes bye makes me realise I made the right decision and my life will get back on track and I can learn to be happy again. I left on the 19th Dec 11, so it has nearly be 2 months but I am determined to stay strong and never go back to the misserable exsistance that I lived in for 12 years. My advice is to take the help available and make the right choices for you and your family and pray that maybe someday the other person will receive the help and healing that they too need. I also recommend using some spirtitual guideance to stay strong and have something new to focus on that is only going to help with your own healing.
Sometimes what seems so scarry can be the best thing you will ever do for yourself and the others around you that also suffer in the events.
I even now feel bad for what happened as he was told to leave with his personnell belongings and that was it and I am in the house with the kids, but I just have to keep reminding myself that he choose his own actions and behaviour and that I cannot control.
Good luck
Thanks for sharing your experiences with the stages both men and women go through before leaving an abusive relationship. While every situation is different, I think there are a few common themes.
The most important commonality is that leaving an abusive relationship is a lot harder than you think.
You don’t need to read books to get through these stages — if you can find an in-person support group for abused women, you’re halfway to healing!
Blessings,
Laurie
I think men go through these same 5 stages or maybe I’m not a real man. I have been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. The first 2 years I didn’t understand what was going on. I’m starting to see I have to leave, but I’m worried about my daughter. She started calling her mother a “mean witch”. I honestly never taught her that, she associated from her children’s books. Her Mother blames me and has now taught our daughter to call me an “a**hole”. Her mother hits me when she gets really upset, I’m a tough guy with a high pain tolerance so I take it or block it. I would never hit her. I’m worried she may hit our child when I leave. I’ve tried to record her behavior, but as soon as the camera is rolling she acts like a different person. After reading this article I understand my toxic cycle of trying to leave. As soon as I’m back with her my self worth is torn to pieces. I wish there was more advice for men in my situation.
I am responding to the ladies above. I am a nurse to. I have always been very strong. I was the one my friends looked up to. I have independent and have a 2 beautiful boys, beautiful house, and a great job. I am just getting out of an abusive relationship. I kept saying I was going to be single soon to all my friends. Yet, I never really done anything to get away. I am only out of it now only because he attacked 2wks ago and was arrested and part of his bond is to stay away. He called me from jail, I didn’t take the calls from him. He then text and called me as soon as he got out. I did not talk to him. The last contact was a few days ago. He called from a private number When I answered it was silence I kept saying hello finally he says in the most pitiful voice just want you to know I’m sorry. Before I thought I said you don’t know what I look like. Then there was a long silence and he said I love you…I quickly hung up, that was Sat. I went to my friends houses and kept busy. I talked about how I hated him, how I wanted him to suffer. This is his 3rd offense CDV this one is high and aggravated. Its been 2wks, I still have bruises. I have been so angry and afraid I havent barely cried. I would stand in front of the mirror and just think of how horrible I looked and how no man should do this and it was working! until… his sis called 2days ago at first I was furious at her. Then I broke I came home I was afraid again and crying heavily I was in a different state of mind. I apologized to her and we cried together. I have crying all day today and feel empty. I cant figure out why. When we were together I hated him most days. I felt like he was ruining my life. Why I am so worried about him now? Why do I wish I could see him yet i am glad I cant. Why is that the bruises are almost gone that it doesnt seem to be as horrible as it was before? I thought he was going to kill me. I had to run to my neighbors for help. Why is I think over and over in head where did it all go wrong?
I suppose I”m stuck in one of the first few stages.Mine is verbal not physical.
After 19yrs of begging, pleading, counseling etc I threw the towel in. I want out. I’m too permanently damaged by him to stay with him. I see no good in him or us and don’t want to.
I started attending CoDA meetings (codependents anonymous) about a month ago and am working on me.
However, when I actually tried to go he turned into a horribly monster. Told me he would do anything it took to keep his son. Not coming home to his son every evening was not something he would ever accept. Threatened to ruin me through his mouth on something bad I did years ago.
Says he loves me, that regardless of the hundreds of times I tried showing him how he was hurting us, NOW he finally “gets it”. Says he can and will change and loves us and wants us. but if I decide not to give him another chance there will be heck to pay because he’s not going to lie down and take it.
I’d want someone to be with me because they wanted to not because I threatened to blackmail or mentally hurt them. So now I’m stuck hoping one of these final stages comes soon.
Huh…. Im so confused. I love him. It wasnt always like this. It started after his mother died. he takes everything out on me. Idk. I love him so much. I just want to be with him. Sometimes he picks the fights just so he could hit me n tell me how sorry he is. I feel even more attached to him after he beats me . I guess cuz I’m out here without any family or friends. So all I have is him. Idk. I just wanna be with him. My first real love.
Dear Tabatha,
Thank you for sharing your experience here! I’m so glad to hear from you, and I admire you so much. You’re a survivor, you’re a strong woman, and you have what it takes to leave this abusive relationship once and for all.
Leaving is a process, though. As you know, it can take a long time to detach from your husband. It IS confusing, especially when he knows exactly what buttons to push to make you go back to him.
Sometimes knowing about the origin of the abuse – why he’s an abuser – isn’t enough to stop the behavior. Is he in counseling? That’s the best way to trust him – if he’s getting professional help.
Have you learned about the abuse dynamic? I interviewed a counselor for an article about abusive relationships for BC Women’s Hospital, and she describe how abuse works.
I wrote about it here:
The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away
Please feel free to write your thoughts here anytime you wish, no matter how disorganized or chaotic they seem to be! I don’t care if you don’t make sense
I just want you to have a safe place to express yourself.
Blessings and prayers,
Laurie
Hi my name is Tabatha and I have been separated from my emotionally abusive husband for 14 months. I have read The Emotionally Abused Woman, that helped me so much. I just forget and need to refresh my memory. I have also started reading Emotional Blackmail- that book is informative as well. I haven’t yet read a book that gives exact examples of my particular situation but I’m sure like many woman it is complex and complicated. I have decided twice I need to file for divorce and each time I 2nd guessed myself. I am a strong woman in many ways…I work hard, I am a nurse, I have 3 children and my little sister lives with me so sometime its like 4 kids. I am not where I was in life at least but not yet where I want or need to be. I still struggle deeply with life issues regarding my marriage. It is like living in a fog. Little by little the fog clears, each day and sometime I go backwards. My husband and I went to individual counseling for several months…I feel his counselor was a bit nutty with all due respect I just clashed when I met with her on one occasion. We went to this marriage class at my church earlier this year and it was informative in the christian sense of marriage and yet I felt pressured by the instructor of that class…I feel pressure from my husband still. I really suffer from confusion a lot and I know that is a side effect of what emotional abuse does to a person but yet the mind is so complex and just living day to day I’ve found is the most difficult part of life. So many challenges and so much pain. I hope this email isn’t completely and utterly a mess as I feel my thoughts need to be better organized or written down sometime I feel that may help. My husband is still trying so hard to win me back. He has been giving me gifts and money and claiming to be changing for the better and has admitted to his abusive ways and realizes the reason of the abuse’s origin. His father is that way. My most recent challenge has been trying to see the light, again, I feel he has changed in many ways and has made improvements but yet it seems his personality is him, it annoys me, he annoys me…I resent him and its for valid reasons but I feel so lost right now. After talking with him on the phone for 3-5 minutes I am so tired, tired of hearing his voice- tired of listening to him talk and be positive about “us”. He knows how I feel and that I’m not in love with him, that I have many doubts about our marriage working out. I wish I had the money to file for divorce but I do not. I have axiety about it really…just typing about it now makes me anxious and tense…I feel scared that he will not be as nice and his true colors will prevail. Regardless of that I have played in my mind what he may do or say and I think I can handle that but I can’t tell him I want a divorce- I have to file first- then tell him. I’m just a mess in this area of my life and wanted to share with someone else. I will try to find those books you suggested too. Gaining more and more knowledge about the complex workings of an emotional abuser or manipulator and being involved with that person has helped me more that anything and these books I’ve read have been like tools of power but sometime they are hard to find. Thank you for your suggestions…I need to go write them down right now so I do not forget the titles and when I have some cash go to barnes and noble.