5 Stages Women Go Through Before Leaving a Man Who Abuses
Leaving a Man Who Abuses Is Harder Than You Think
These stages that women go through before leaving a man who abuses are based on research. These stages of abuse do not mean that an emotionally or physically abusive relationship is a woman’s fault.
But first, a breath of fresh air from singing diva Tina Turner:
“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says this woman who was abused by her husband for 16 years. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
Letting go of a man you love, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. One of the most important things is to learn why you’re staying with him — what’s holding you back. For help, read The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel.
And, here’s what research shows about the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…
5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Situation
According to a University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I.
Stages 1 and 2 of leaving a man who abuses
“In the first two stages, women begin to disconnect emotionally from their relationships,” said Khaw. You hear them say things like, ‘I started not to care for him anymore’.”
Stage 3
In this stage of leaving an abusive relationship, women go through a collection of episodes of abuse. They start to notice the effects on their children.
“Women make preparations to leave, such as finding a place to stay or secretly saving up money,” she said. “This stage is important for women as they switch from thinking about leaving an abusive relationship to actually doing something about it.”
Stage 4 (going back to the abusive relationship)
“Then, at Stage 4, when women take action, we see a lot of what we call ‘back and forthing’ because when women leave, the emotions often come back,” said Jennifer Hardesty, a U of I assistant professor of human and community development. “They need clarity. They want to be physically and emotionally connected again.”
To learn more, read about the Cycle or Dynamic of Abuse – Why Women Can’t Just Walk Away.
Stage 5
Being gone for six months or more marks the last stage of ending abusive relationships.
“But even then they may have boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won’t let them go. With continued contact through court-ordered child visitation, the potential for ongoing abuse remains as well as continued confusion over the abuser’s role in the woman’s life.”
“Leaving an abusive relationship is much more complex than just deciding to change, and it involves more than a woman’s prioritizing her safety,” said Hardesty. “Other actors are involved. The abuser makes decisions that affect a woman’s movement through the stages. And children can be a powerful influence in motivating a woman to get out of a relationship and in pulling her back in.”
Encouragement to leave a man who abuses
If you can’t let go, read Letting Go of Someone You Love.
If you’d like to share your story of living with a man who abuses, I welcome your comments below. Sometimes writing about your life gives you clarity and insight!
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
Thanks for sharing your experiences with the stages both men and women go through before leaving an abusive relationship. While every situation is different, I think there are a few common themes.
The most important commonality is that leaving an abusive relationship is a lot harder than you think.
You don’t need to read books to get through these stages — if you can find an in-person support group for abused women, you’re halfway to healing!
Blessings,
Laurie
I think men go through these same 5 stages or maybe I’m not a real man. I have been in an abusive relationship for 3 years. The first 2 years I didn’t understand what was going on. I’m starting to see I have to leave, but I’m worried about my daughter. She started calling her mother a “mean witch”. I honestly never taught her that, she associated from her children’s books. Her Mother blames me and has now taught our daughter to call me an “a**hole”. Her mother hits me when she gets really upset, I’m a tough guy with a high pain tolerance so I take it or block it. I would never hit her. I’m worried she may hit our child when I leave. I’ve tried to record her behavior, but as soon as the camera is rolling she acts like a different person. After reading this article I understand my toxic cycle of trying to leave. As soon as I’m back with her my self worth is torn to pieces. I wish there was more advice for men in my situation.
I am responding to the ladies above. I am a nurse to. I have always been very strong. I was the one my friends looked up to. I have independent and have a 2 beautiful boys, beautiful house, and a great job. I am just getting out of an abusive relationship. I kept saying I was going to be single soon to all my friends. Yet, I never really done anything to get away. I am only out of it now only because he attacked 2wks ago and was arrested and part of his bond is to stay away. He called me from jail, I didn’t take the calls from him. He then text and called me as soon as he got out. I did not talk to him. The last contact was a few days ago. He called from a private number When I answered it was silence I kept saying hello finally he says in the most pitiful voice just want you to know I’m sorry. Before I thought I said you don’t know what I look like. Then there was a long silence and he said I love you…I quickly hung up, that was Sat. I went to my friends houses and kept busy. I talked about how I hated him, how I wanted him to suffer. This is his 3rd offense CDV this one is high and aggravated. Its been 2wks, I still have bruises. I have been so angry and afraid I havent barely cried. I would stand in front of the mirror and just think of how horrible I looked and how no man should do this and it was working! until… his sis called 2days ago at first I was furious at her. Then I broke I came home I was afraid again and crying heavily I was in a different state of mind. I apologized to her and we cried together. I have crying all day today and feel empty. I cant figure out why. When we were together I hated him most days. I felt like he was ruining my life. Why I am so worried about him now? Why do I wish I could see him yet i am glad I cant. Why is that the bruises are almost gone that it doesnt seem to be as horrible as it was before? I thought he was going to kill me. I had to run to my neighbors for help. Why is I think over and over in head where did it all go wrong?
I suppose I”m stuck in one of the first few stages.Mine is verbal not physical.
After 19yrs of begging, pleading, counseling etc I threw the towel in. I want out. I’m too permanently damaged by him to stay with him. I see no good in him or us and don’t want to.
I started attending CoDA meetings (codependents anonymous) about a month ago and am working on me.
However, when I actually tried to go he turned into a horribly monster. Told me he would do anything it took to keep his son. Not coming home to his son every evening was not something he would ever accept. Threatened to ruin me through his mouth on something bad I did years ago.
Says he loves me, that regardless of the hundreds of times I tried showing him how he was hurting us, NOW he finally “gets it”. Says he can and will change and loves us and wants us. but if I decide not to give him another chance there will be heck to pay because he’s not going to lie down and take it.
I’d want someone to be with me because they wanted to not because I threatened to blackmail or mentally hurt them. So now I’m stuck hoping one of these final stages comes soon.
Huh…. Im so confused. I love him. It wasnt always like this. It started after his mother died. he takes everything out on me. Idk. I love him so much. I just want to be with him. Sometimes he picks the fights just so he could hit me n tell me how sorry he is. I feel even more attached to him after he beats me . I guess cuz I’m out here without any family or friends. So all I have is him. Idk. I just wanna be with him. My first real love.
Dear Tabatha,
Thank you for sharing your experience here! I’m so glad to hear from you, and I admire you so much. You’re a survivor, you’re a strong woman, and you have what it takes to leave this abusive relationship once and for all.
Leaving is a process, though. As you know, it can take a long time to detach from your husband. It IS confusing, especially when he knows exactly what buttons to push to make you go back to him.
Sometimes knowing about the origin of the abuse – why he’s an abuser – isn’t enough to stop the behavior. Is he in counseling? That’s the best way to trust him – if he’s getting professional help.
Have you learned about the abuse dynamic? I interviewed a counselor for an article about abusive relationships for BC Women’s Hospital, and she describe how abuse works.
I wrote about it here:
The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away
Please feel free to write your thoughts here anytime you wish, no matter how disorganized or chaotic they seem to be! I don’t care if you don’t make sense
I just want you to have a safe place to express yourself.
Blessings and prayers,
Laurie
Hi my name is Tabatha and I have been separated from my emotionally abusive husband for 14 months. I have read The Emotionally Abused Woman, that helped me so much. I just forget and need to refresh my memory. I have also started reading Emotional Blackmail- that book is informative as well. I haven’t yet read a book that gives exact examples of my particular situation but I’m sure like many woman it is complex and complicated. I have decided twice I need to file for divorce and each time I 2nd guessed myself. I am a strong woman in many ways…I work hard, I am a nurse, I have 3 children and my little sister lives with me so sometime its like 4 kids. I am not where I was in life at least but not yet where I want or need to be. I still struggle deeply with life issues regarding my marriage. It is like living in a fog. Little by little the fog clears, each day and sometime I go backwards. My husband and I went to individual counseling for several months…I feel his counselor was a bit nutty with all due respect I just clashed when I met with her on one occasion. We went to this marriage class at my church earlier this year and it was informative in the christian sense of marriage and yet I felt pressured by the instructor of that class…I feel pressure from my husband still. I really suffer from confusion a lot and I know that is a side effect of what emotional abuse does to a person but yet the mind is so complex and just living day to day I’ve found is the most difficult part of life. So many challenges and so much pain. I hope this email isn’t completely and utterly a mess as I feel my thoughts need to be better organized or written down sometime I feel that may help. My husband is still trying so hard to win me back. He has been giving me gifts and money and claiming to be changing for the better and has admitted to his abusive ways and realizes the reason of the abuse’s origin. His father is that way. My most recent challenge has been trying to see the light, again, I feel he has changed in many ways and has made improvements but yet it seems his personality is him, it annoys me, he annoys me…I resent him and its for valid reasons but I feel so lost right now. After talking with him on the phone for 3-5 minutes I am so tired, tired of hearing his voice- tired of listening to him talk and be positive about “us”. He knows how I feel and that I’m not in love with him, that I have many doubts about our marriage working out. I wish I had the money to file for divorce but I do not. I have axiety about it really…just typing about it now makes me anxious and tense…I feel scared that he will not be as nice and his true colors will prevail. Regardless of that I have played in my mind what he may do or say and I think I can handle that but I can’t tell him I want a divorce- I have to file first- then tell him. I’m just a mess in this area of my life and wanted to share with someone else. I will try to find those books you suggested too. Gaining more and more knowledge about the complex workings of an emotional abuser or manipulator and being involved with that person has helped me more that anything and these books I’ve read have been like tools of power but sometime they are hard to find. Thank you for your suggestions…I need to go write them down right now so I do not forget the titles and when I have some cash go to barnes and noble.
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