5 Stages Women Go Through Before Leaving a Man Who Abuses
Leaving a Man Who Abuses Is Harder Than You Think
The stages women go through before leaving a man who abuses are often similar. These stages of abuse do not mean that an emotionally or physically abusive relationship is a woman’s fault.
But first, a breath of fresh air from diva Tina Turner:
“Sometimes you’ve got to let everything go – purge yourself,” says this woman who was abused by her husband for 16 years. “If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you’ll find that when you’re free, your true creativity, your true self comes out.”
Letting go of a man you love, even when you’re in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, is one of the hardest things you’ll do. One of the most important things is to learn why you’re staying with him — what’s holding you back.
For help, read The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself by Beverly Engel.
And, here’s what research shows about the stages of leaving an abusive relationship…
5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Situation
According to a University of Illinois journal article, abused woman go through a five-step process of leaving abusive relationships. Below are the fives stages, based doctoral candidate Lyndal Khaw’s dissertation work at the U of I.
Stages 1 and 2 of leaving a man who abuses
“In the first two stages, women begin to disconnect emotionally from their relationships,” said Khaw. You hear them say things like, ‘I started not to care for him anymore’.”
Stage 3
In this stage of leaving an abusive relationship, women go through a collection of episodes of abuse. They start to notice the effects on their children.
“Women make preparations to leave, such as finding a place to stay or secretly saving up money,” she said. “This stage is important for women as they switch from thinking about leaving an abusive relationship to actually doing something about it.”
Stage 4 (going back to the abusive relationship)
“Then, at Stage 4, when women take action, we see a lot of what we call ‘back and forthing’ because when women leave, the emotions often come back,” said Jennifer Hardesty, a U of I assistant professor of human and community development. “They need clarity. They want to be physically and emotionally connected again.”
To learn more, read about the Cycle or Dynamic of Abuse – Why Women Can’t Just Walk Away.
Stage 5
Being gone for six months or more marks the last stage of ending abusive relationships.
“But even then they may have boundary ambiguity if their ex-spouse won’t let them go. With continued contact through court-ordered child visitation, the potential for ongoing abuse remains as well as continued confusion over the abuser’s role in the woman’s life.”
“Leaving an abusive relationship is much more complex than just deciding to change, and it involves more than a woman’s prioritizing her safety,” said Hardesty. “Other actors are involved. The abuser makes decisions that affect a woman’s movement through the stages. And children can be a powerful influence in motivating a woman to get out of a relationship and in pulling her back in.”
Encouragement to leave a man who abuses
If you can’t let go, read Letting Go of Someone You Love.
If you’d like to share your story of living with a man who abuses, I welcome your comments below. Sometimes writing about your life gives you clarity and insight!
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
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- 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner | May 22, 2011
Two weeks ago, at this time, I was sleeping thanks to a sleeping pill; knowing it was the last night of being oppressed. My husband went to bed happy, thinking he was on top of the world. He makes lots of money; is at the peek of his career and is a great leader in his church.
The next morning, he was slower than usual to get up and leave the house. Before he left he announced that he had a meeting until 10am and he was going to work from home afterwards. Oh boy! How were we going to pack and move out in less than 2 hrs.
I had half the bedroom packed and the bed stripped before he was even out of the house. I had knots in my stomach and thought I was going to vomit most of the morning.
As soon as he left, I told my 15 yr old daughter that she wasn’t going to school because she had to pack her room. We were moving. She was shocked! She said, I thought things were better? I said it was important for her to think that. I would explain later…for now, we had to pack. She got to work. My son, 21, was up early and had helped me move what we could for 2 days before. He quickly got to work also. I had organized everything through a women’s shelter, in less than 5 weeks. As I sorted and organized for the move, my husband thought I was spring cleaning and was very happy. I was even more compliant than before during this time. I did anything to keep the peace and make him happy. I tried twice to tell him, but as usual, he wouldn’t let me speak freely. Everything I said and did had to be done in a particular order, with no emotions. He could rarely handle emotions, especially from me. In 5 yrs, we never connected. It began the night of our wedding when he wasn’t very interested in sex because he felt I wasn’t that beautiful. He had met me as a very well toned woman, however, I was in a car accident 2 months before our wedding and suffered a whiplash. I couldn’t work out. I was in pain. That didn’t matter to him. He spent 3 months withholding affection because I hadn’t given him my best body. I was devastated. This was not the man I had known and fell in love with. He was harsh with me and my kids; was almost military with routine and time. He couldn’t enjoy anything; not even his own son. He went through my emails and my journals and he suspected me of so many things. He used the Bible to prove his points and to teach me lessons. Luckily, I knew the Bible long before he came along. I could put scripture in proper perspective, but after a year, I stopped trying. I knew it just wasn’t worth my energy to argue or fight with him. I conserved my energy to find small things in everyday to enjoy and to appreciate. It wasn’t easy, but it was important for me to keep my sanity. He never physically abused me or my children; one time, he did raise his hand at me, grabbed my glasses and threw them on the floor. I think it shocked him as much as it shocked me. He then left the room if he got too angry. All of the “punishments” he inflicted upon me…like withholding affection, cutting me off of any finances, isolating me from my children…were apparently to teach me lessons so I would grow into the woman God wanted me to be.
So, now it was all going to end for me and my kids. I had to be really strong and really courageous and not feel; just pack and breathe. We didn’t worry about boxes, I had some in my trunk and we used garbage bags for the rest. I didn’t worry about the plants or special art work. I took what I really needed and left the rest. We were out of there in an hour and 50 minutes.
When we got to the geared to income townhouse, my kids and I stood in shock as we told the movers where to put things. We finally sat down on the couch to eat at 2:30pm, and my daughter said…look mom, we are sitting on the couch and eating. Something my husband would not have allowed. Then she commented that she could actually go anywhere in the house and be happy. No one was going to make us uncomfortable in our home anymore. Earlier my son had hugged me and told me he loves me. For me, these were confirmations that I did the right thing. It was extremely hard for those weeks before. I hated being deceitful, but I had been deceiving myself for 5 yrs., thinking he would ever love me for who I am or that he would ever wake up and see life as it is. I hated the thought of him coming home to a half empty house and his wife gone. Had I told him, he would have ranted and raged and tried to stop me. His biggest pain is humiliation. He would have done anything not to be humiliated. My kids learned who their mother is that day. They know how loved they are. They know that I am a woman of action, not just of words.
We are enjoying our freedom. Our geared to income place is clean and spacious. Money is tight. I don’t work, so we’re on assistance. It’s worth it! The woman’s abuse center has been so good to us and they are willing to find us anything we need. The city gave us a start up fee to pay movers and hook ups. The Red Cross can also help with money or items.
Women, don’t be alone, don’t be afraid and most of all, don’t give up on yourselves. You are worth it. Your kids need one strong, loving parent. You can be that for them if you leave. You don’t need anyone or anything but a sound mind and good resources. I made my phone calls from my cell phone, which I have only had for a year. A counselor told me it was very important to have one and she was right. If you have to, make your calls from the library, the YMCA, the employment center…From the Women’s Abuse Center you can get a counselor who can also help you. She should guide you to resources in your city. I didn’t like the first counselor I had so I changed agencies. I know it’s hard when you are in the pit of an abuser. What I am saying may sound unreachable for you. I assure you it is possible.
How do you make sure he won’t find out? Unfortunately, there are no guarantees.
First: I had a plan to continue even if he found out. I studied him enough to know exactly what I could use to reassure him. You probably know too if you think about it. I was going to make sure he knew there was no one else and I wasn’t seeking divorce. I just didn’t think I was good enough for him so I wanted some time alone to work on myself for 6 months or so to give him a better wife. You have to outsmart him. You almost have to get into a state of reversing the roles where you would be messing with his mind.
Secondly, from the time you start the process to the time you leave, keep it simple and short. The longer you prolong the move, the more chance there is of him finding out.
Third and last; don’t panic. Speak as little as possible. Twice my husband came home saying things like “What’s going on?”, and my heart raced but I said nothing. Then he proceeded to explain his thoughts and they had nothing to do with my plans. Just breathe and go through the actions. You can deal with your feelings after, when you are in a safe environment.
My last suggestion is not to be quick about divorce. That can heat up an already explosive situation. Just find a new routine for you and your kids, see a counselor and find yourself.
I have been lucky, he has not come after me. I had to see him at church 4 days later. I have good friends there who are supporting me because I only said I was full of resentment and bitterness and I needed some time and space to improve myself. Generally, I have found that most people are not equipped to deal with abuse. It freaks them out and they avoid you after. In time, I will talk about it. Now is not the time.
God bless and good luck!