Jun 092011
 

Here’s how to tell the difference between husbands cheating on Facebook versus having innocent friendships. If you think your husband may be cheating on Facebook, you might need an objective perspective.

Signs Husband Cheating FacebookDoes He Cheat? Confessions from Men: 50 Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating by Sterling Anderson and Stephanie Dart is a book about the lies men tell, and the lies woman choose to ignore. It rounds up mens’ confessions – which may give you insight into your own husband.

A reader asked me if she should worry about her husband’s female friends on Facebook. The answer is: it depends. Here’s what she said: “He lied to me about the first e-mail from this woman,” says my reader. “Then I was on his Facebook account, and she sent a friend request to him. She also sent a picture, and he said she was hot…when I asked him about it, he denied he said anything. Later, he did fess up, saying he knew what my reaction would be. He didn’t want to make me upset! He said he want to find out how she knows about him.” She asks if she should be worried about him having a relationship with this woman on Facebook, and how to stop cheating in a relationship. While there’s no way I can tell her if she should worry about her husband cheating because I don’t know either of them, I can share a few thoughts about the whole Facebook friends, husbands, and wives issue.

Signs Your Husband is Cheating on Facebook

Though Facebook doesn’t cause cheating, it is being used in more and more divorce petitions. “I had heard from my staff that there were a lot of people saying they had found out things about their partners on Facebook and I decided to see how prevalent it was,” says Divorce lawyer Mark Keenan, Managing Director of Divorce-Online said in Facebook Fueling Divorce, Research Says. “I was really surprised to see 20 per cent of all the petitions containing references to Facebook. The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to.”

Facebook can tempt husbands and wives to start or re-establish innocent friendships with friends of the opposite sex…which can lead to physical and emotional infidelity. But, just because Facebook can be the spawning ground for divorce, it doesn’t mean that your husband can’t be friends with females! I’m friends with lots of guys on Facebook, and my husband doesn’t worry about it. There’s a line between just being friends with someone of the opposite sex, and emotional cheating or an affair of the heart.

A few signs that indicate a husband may be hiding something…

He won’t give you his Facebook password. This is an obvious sign that a wife or girlfriend should worry! And, I don’t think it’s about “privacy” or “having his own space.” If he’s not doing anything wrong, then he doesn’t need his own private space on Facebook. Married couples should have full access to each other’s Facebook accounts, email accounts, and phones. But my reader does have access to her husband’s Facebook account, and has seen his messages to his female friend.

He lies about his Facebook friends. “In one of the e-mails she sent she asked if he was interested, his response ‘maybe,’ says my reader. “In another one he said he will accept her as a Facebook friend ‘if she keeps it low key – others are watching.’ What really bothers me is that he told her she as hot but he is married with kids, then asks her where she wants this to go. She sent a couple pictures I didn’t see, which he sent to a hidden Facebook folder!”

There are mixed messages here about whether your husband is cheating on Facebook – which is why it’s so difficult to figure out if a husband is lying about cheating on his wife — especially if you don’t know either the husband or the wife! On one hand, he was honest about being married with kids. On the other, he’s hiding Facebook photos from his wife. What does a wife do with this? Ask him to give her access to all his Facebook messages and files.

He has many online accounts that he hides from you. Here’s how one wife found out that her husband was cheating online: “Our marriage was fine until he stayed late at night chatting!” says my mar on a thread called caught my boyfriend cheating on facebook. “I cannot remember how I learned that he had three MSN accounts with different names. I found out who his contacts were in each one of the accounts and then I could also realise that some of this contacts were also his Facebook ‘friends.’ When I asked, he said they were old friends he had and that they all knew he was in a relationship and I believed him. But one day we downloaded Window messenger Plus! and a record of his conversations was kept and I read them. It was a horrible day because I could see how ‘close’ friends they were and the vocabulary and topics they discussed. His said, ‘Don’t interfere with my friends and my chatting, I don’t like overjealous women’ and so on!” This woman’s husband had been cheating on her for awhile. But, the good news is that she’s now in a relationship with a new man, who treats her like gold!

facebook cheating

“Signs Your Husband May Be Cheating on Facebook” image by Laurie

The bottom line: you have to trust your gut, and be honest with your husband. I wish I could tell my reader if she should trust her husband with his Facebook friend…but I can’t. I don’t know if he’ll be tempted to cheat, or if he’s just innocently flirting with this friend (whom he may not even know!). If it were me, I’d tell my husband that his being friends with certain women makes me feel very uncomfortable. I’d tell him that I’d like to be able to access all his Facebook accounts – and of course he can access mine!

Here’s another perspective on friends, marriage, and Facebook: “Facebook is a neutral tool that can be used for innocent or guilty purposes,” says J.M. Kearns, author of Better Love Next Time: How the Relationship that Didn’t Last Can Lead You to the One that Will. “If he’s talking to an ex through the public forums, he may just be keeping in touch.” But if he’s only using Facebook’s private forums, that could be a different story.

Kearns advises having a talk with your husband to set boundaries for his online behavior – and for yours. The stages of flirting can move so fast, sometimes cheating happens before a conscious decision is actually made – even in online venues such as Facebook.


Fix Your Marriage

What do you think – does your husband have female Facebook friends that he may be cheating with? If so, you may find 7 Signs Your Marriage is Over helpful.

laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen (but I wish my name was Rosie Frost!). I'm a bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer. My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

Are you happy? My Grade 10 Social Studies teacher, Mr Merritt, always used to ask me that. And I am happy - despite a difficult childhood (schizophrenic mother, no father, foster homes), infertility, an eating disorder, and a chronic illness. The source of my peace and joy is God; I'm a Christian.

How is your life unfolding - what do you need? I welcome your big and little comments below, about big or little things. I can't give you advice, but writing can give you clarity and insight.

In peace and passion.... Laurie

  22 Responses to “Signs Your Husband May Be Cheating on Facebook”

  1. Debra,

    Thank you for sharing you and your husband’s experience with cheating on Facebook. I hope his counseling sessions go well this month, and that he and you are able to rebuild your marriage. Whatever happens, I wish you peace and happiness and love!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. Heres the scoop-Meet my ex childhood sweetheart on facebook in 07. Lived in different\t provinces (met 14 in summer)..anywho-in 07 I had to come up for a dying family member and we always talked NORMALLY no sexting nothing weird prior to that on fb. He told me he had a gf of 7 yrs-I had zero intention on anything-Anyhow-ended up staying here for 5 days for a funeral (gee guess what happened) some friends bailed he told me his gf wasnt “into “bars and dancing..so only his cousin was with us..anyhow-long story short he left her -i left my marriage of 10 yrs and 2 young sons behind (as I lost them by leaving my province for more than 2 weeks straight) now I get them every other x-mas/march breaks and summers. And (youl never guess whom I caught him “sexting” on his birthday last summer..hmmm..same tramp..they are gonna “hook up” be “f buddies” lets make a plan the whole works (he of course denies anyone was hooking up and it was alot of “inappropriate conversations”..the newest rumour is she went to counseling and when I was flying back (at the supposedly “blooming” part of our relationship” -she stayed not only in our apt..but in my bed…which of course hes stating everyones lying and just cant figure out whats going on..and in addition (if thats not enoug to kick you in your face)..she also told ppl the day after I had our son (10 pounder-almost died) he left to spend the night with her at their old place. Not to mention hes badly addicted to porn (and lies about it all the time)…Ive also discovered shes been “away” at school here..when he (what a coincidence) applied around same time a yr and half ago (16 minutes away)…the point is..a dog s adog ladies..and I get it..karma screwed me..but Ive paid the piper MANY times over..and i NEVER intentionally broke up a marriage or wrecked a childs life-but she “merrily” (for now) goes on her way…Ive gotten to the point that I have to look at him and just see the harsh reality (he’s cheate don everyone hes been with)..and I dont think theres ever the exception to rule with serial cheaters. I (sadly) just now consider him to be par for some serious life lessons, and time for me to be happy in my own skin and know my worth. I will always love him..and in his own way I think he loves me (hes seeing a counselor early January-hopefully we can shake a few demons out of his closet)..I have a third son who’s life I refuse to ruin…but my sacrifice for my son (having to be around a man you love but simply do not respect or trust anymore) is heartbreaking to say the least….as far as im concerned if they are passing into one anothers lives this much, maybe its them that deserves the happy ending. I just know-I gotta find my own place-theres someone out there who I know is truly for me (but-it doesnt stop the saddness of wanting what i know in my heart is obviously not meant to be either)..Good luck to everyone:)

  3. There’s a difference between husbands cheating on Facebook, and flirting that crosses the line. Hiding Facebook passwords is a sign of lack of trust, and so is flirting with other women outside of marriage. But, that doesn’t mean he’s cheating!

    The bottom line is respect. If your husband respects you, he won’t do things that make you uncomfortable.

  4. My husband has been secretive of his passwords for fb, emails, you name it. I figured out most of the passwords, but after going on his fb a few times he changed that one and now I can’t get on. A few years ago, he allowed a female co-worker to call HIM- her “Husband”. I used to talk to her, thought of her as a semi-friend, I found out and told her to stop calling him that. She laughed and said It was just something they called each other at work and stop over reacting. she acted like it was a joke. we sold a car to her. my husband usually picked up the payment if she didn’t have it at work. I went with as much as possible. She was over with her son he shoved me to one side of my husband, she was on the other, he said “there hotdog between two buns”. A few days later she called, I was 5ft away, he said yeah I know who this is… It’s My GirlFriend! With the Biggest Shit eating grin. I’m sitting right there! later he was at store, I called and said to stop calling MY HUSBAND her husband cause he isn’t. I told him as soon as he got home what I did,he was infuriated. I had asked him to tell her to stop he admitted that he HAD NOT told her to STOP but just hinted to it. He refused to tell me why he let her call him that in the first place. He called her immediately after he got home, she was s o upset he told her I was going through one of my phases,
    I yelled back . latter told him it was his fault for not putting a stop to it. He “SAYS” nothing went on the just talked at work, there was no attraction, etc., but like yeah right. she is unattractive, overweight(as am I), uneducated, a smoker, things he would find unappealing. BUT…..

  5. Dear Tillyonce,

    Your boyfriend is using Facebook and the internet to cheat on you. He makes you feel ugly and not worth love or respect. He isn’t giving you the time or attention you deserve. You are letting him treat you like garbage, and you deserve to be treated like a princess!

    What would it feel like to be free of him?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  6. My bf spent the first year of our relationship searching fb for pics of slutty women. I found out he promised to stop. Then I found he had 4 fake fb accounts used to message girls telling them they were sexy, hot etc. he messaged teenage girls and used stupid text speak urgh. Now he says he doesn’t do that anymore, I forgave him but have s hard time trying to forget. He’s made me feel ugly

  7. If you need help accessing your partners facebook, check out sneaky peeky investigations. They can give you ideas on how to do this.

    Its NOT fair is she or he is cheating on you so why not know sooner rather than later…

  8. BE WORRIED. LEAVE HIM. i know no-one will until they actually know for sure. i finally caught my ‘private’ husband the other day lying his face off to an old flame on the message centre and there’s several others. all gorgeous. none of them know he’s married as he’s kept that all hush hush. divorce now. and yah, he’s been saying for years that i’m crazy and he just has friends and he’d never do anything to me and what’s the big deal cause we’ve been together for so long that any conversations he has with old flames are totally innocent….yah, except that part where you don’t tell them you’re married, and the part where you’re telling them you’re on vacation alone while WERE ON VACATION TOGETHER, having a great time, i thought, and generally just using them to flirt with and as his emotional back up. and not a goddamn word to say about it. i’ve become a statistic, but i’m just so fucking glad to be getting rid of an asshole who secretly acts like a playboy. my new lesson, when they say you’re crazy, they’re fucking you over.

  9. I have my husband facebook password but it doesn’t mean anything if he delete his message after sent it, I don’t know what to do he has a lot of girl friend that he don’t even see ” what I know” , he said that are only friends from past work or high school, but some of them send him private message message that I don’t even know what they saying because he delete

  10. This is nonsense. Men do not like their wives or g/f’s obsessing or being controlling over mutual access to email or Facebook accts. The fastest way to drive your man into another woman’s arms or between her legs is by being POSSESIVE and not giving him space. If he wants to cheat he will do so regardless of how much access you have to any and everything he has. Men HATE a controlling mate as much as women do.

  11. My boyfriend has a lot of female friends he claims are relatives but something in my gut tells me it’s not true. We have been a couple for over 12 yrs and never once have these young, single, attractive, slender women been mentioned. Since he has become connected to them, he goes on Facebook but doesn’t take time to answer my Emails to him anymore (I don’t use any social network site) and he is angry at me for wanting to know who they are and warn him about what I know. We’re to the point of braking up. I have tried, in tears, to warn him about getting too close to them but he refuses to listen and shuts me out. He tells me to mind my own business. I have told him how affairs start and how if he keeps up his connection, it could cause our relationship to suffer. Instead of listening he keeps saying, They’re family” but something tells me, by his shady behavior, by the fact that he refuses to let me see his friends list and only shows me tidbits of News Feed then takes me off on a tangent on one of his fishing buddies pages. Due to this, I think it’s all a sign our relationship is doomed. I am going into prayer over this, throwing it at the feet of Jesus and pulling away from him. I can’t help but feel he wants me to just go away; that now that he has all of these female friends, he no longer has any use for me. It breaks my heart too. So I am going to withdraw where it’s safe and he cannot hurt my heart. I don’t know what else to do. I’m in so much pain over this.

  12. I don’t agree with your comment, Laurie, concerning ‘innocent flirting.’ I don’t believe there is such a thing, and definitely shouldn’t take place when you’re in a committed relationship, especially marriage. It’s a level and you’re always thinking about accessing that next level…the what if. If you want and need to flirt….flirt with your spouse.

  13. I have been dating my boyfriend 4 years and he has helped me raise a child that is not bilologically his. He loves her more than anything. I feel almost obligated to stay with him for the sake of there relationship. But he refuses to let me see his fb when he can see mine any day. When I have been on it, he would talk to other girls . One in particular, he was.gonna go see when I went out of town one weekend til I confronted him about it.. he said they were not being serious and I wanna believe him but my gut tells me not to. I have also found half naked pics on his conpyter, phone and he has an excuse for them all. Hate to throw 4 years away but better sooner than later. I guess its hard for me to wrap my mind around how someone could hurt you over and over. I have been nothin but faithful.. I feel I’m a good person and I deserve so much better. Might be time for me.to start looking

  14. My husband has had dirty conversations with females via IM, an Ashley Madison account and text a female coworker over 200 times in one night (told her she was cute in the only message I saw). When I found out I wrote her a nasty message from his fb account (not proud of that). While I was in bed crying that night, according to our phone records he was in the other room on the phone with her. I moved out for two months then moved back to try to fix things. This happened just over a year ago. I still struggle with the pain and the embarrassment. Our relationship is good until I carefully question him about a new female fb friend. Then he gets a hostile. Not sure when and if that will ever change. Tonight he claimed that he had sent the friend request to a coworker…. One that he thinks is really annoying. I really wouldn’t have thought twice about it if it wasn’t for the hostility.

  15. PS: We don’t have kids yet, he says “how will we have kids when you hardly have sex”
    And we don’t have kids not necessarily coz we don’t have enough sex but after coaxing & convincing him to do a semen analysis, we found out just last year that his semen analysis is very low. We need to go the urologist but I don’t know how in the world to convince him.
    Any help from any1 out there is most welcome for my life.

  16. My point also is that I try to move on struggling to be positive in life and ignore these things but I know that women do not monitor or correct their husband’s behaviour, they become the foolish women who turned a blind eye to things and let it continue while every1 else knows. There are days where I think, I too need to be FB friends with some hunk to give husband the message, but it’s so demeaning that I can’t do it. There are also days where I think, if I can’t control my husband anymore, I’ve got to do something on FB to the female friends. What do I do to move on positively in life. Please guide as this is a very insecure time for me.

  17. It really hurts when my husband of 7 yrs spends alot of his time after getting back from office on the internet – mostly on facebook.
    I’ve quit my job recently, hence I can see the void between us increasing and his time with FB friends ever increasing. Maybe I was too busy working before & hence didn’t notice so much. Also he has always been a workaholic and that cannot be changed. He uses FB for business marketing too and sadly joined up with a few FB female friends to get into business associates. So if I question him on this points, his answers are ready: “you always knew that I am a workaholic, I don’t have any friends, the people on my FB are not my friends they are business associates, I am working on FB and so on”. Now he’s also started saying “You don’t trust me. It seems you do not want me to talk to any females, so I’ll quit my businesses & close them and quit my job”. The final request from me was for me to have his FB password and he gave it to me after deleting the history of private messages on FB with these women, saying that if you read the lines, you misinterpret every line and that he was not ready to fight it out with me since he was sick” Am I crazy?

  18. I’m going through,basically,the same,thing,but with his cell phone…He’s obsessed with it,he sneaks txting to his exes. we’ve almost broken up twice over my jealousy of it-he said, he told me from the beginning,if,I,had trust issues,it would never work. Now,there’s,a very big gap between us,the distance,I,went to leave the last time,but he didn’t want me too,he said,he loved me&didn’t want to lose me.Now,it’s almost,like he’s trying to avoid seeing,me,but when,I,go to leave,he doesn’t want me too.I,know,his feelings are,true,he was the first to say,”I Love you,”and now only if,I,say,it first,so,I,just don’t bother anymore. He,doesn’t even txt. me once during the day while,he’s working,or,even call,when he’s done,to see,if,I,need anything,at the store. Even,the tone of his, voice is different! My,heart,is so broken…But,I,can’t be here,as,a,doormat,either-I,gave,up my apartment of 8yrs. for this to move in with him and he knew it took alot for me to do,that.I’m,not a cheater,buT, I’ve come close too it. I,even,asked him about his phone friends,before, he said,no,worries,yeah look at us,now,it’s just,killing,me,I,hardly,see,him,what to,do?

  19. My husband doesn’t want me to know his passwords, telling me that he needs his privacy, i always thought that our relationship, that I was his privacy! And we had an argument about it.
    Two or three years ago, i saw a chat between him and some girl, and that’s when i realized he was cheating on me with that #@!!!
    We weren’t married at the time, but i gave him another chance,but unfortunately can’t get over his betrayal, i don’t really feel safe mostly because until now, he doesn’t want me to know his passwords, i can’t even use his phone because it’s password locked!!!
    He’s always on the defensive, telling me that I’m the one he loves blablabla.
    but i can’t help feeling unsafe because to me he is definitely Hidding something…. Am i crazy?

  20. If your husband doesn’t give you his Facebook password or want you to see his page, then he’s probably doing stuff he doesn’t want you to know about!

    The question is, what do you do when your husband keeps hiding his Facebook activities? Force him to ‘fess up?

  21. Well, I am going through kinda of the same thing. My husband refuses to let me see anything or anyone on his Facebook account. He says it is just business but my gut says something different. Even after a big fight we had about it he still refuses…..Becoming very defensive. Then deleting all my family from his page. Red flags! He is on it first thing everyday. It would realy put my mind at ease if he would just let me into it and look, but will always turn into it being my fault for being jealous. Worried!!!

  22. This is crazy, I gave my husband my password for FaceBook but he refused to give me his password :((, he’s so stupid we been together for 6 years….. and so far he only got 2 password for everything so he can remember them so I tried both and one worked lol, I got in and he was talking with his female friends on private msm, he promised me 5 years ago he will stop cause these women send him naked pictures on themselves and it makes me uncomfortable, now I’m filing for divorce :)) He said he hides it from me to avoid arguments so I told him Congratulations it sure did, Now it cost us our marriage…he’s running around like a chicken with no head trying to fix our marriage co’z we got two kids, I can’t be with a female friendly husband for the rest of my life

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