Aug 022012
 

Sometimes giving up on your relationship is the best thing you can do. Here’s how to know when to give up on a relationship instead of trying to make it work – these tips are inspired by a reader who asked for help deciding if she should stay or go.

Should I Give Up on My Relationship

Should You Give Up on Your Relationship?

Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away by Dr. Bethany Marshall is an excellent resource for women trying to decide if they should give up on a relationship.

Here’s what one of my readers says: “I found out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me with another girl for 8 months. I decided to forgive him and stay, to give him a chance to work this relationship out because I know it’s worth it. But I’ve been very physically and emotionally insecure after since.  He claims he’s over her. But he’s been listening to sad songs, and saying his friends were trying to patch things up between them. He doesn’t let me take look at his phone, and says I’ll get paranoid if he tells me who he’s hanging out with. I have no idea what I should do. Please help.” – on Can Trust Your Boyfriend After He Cheated?

The most important sign that it’s better to give up on your relationship is your own gut feeling…and I think Michelle’s gut is telling her that she can’t make it work with him because he isn’t meeting her halfway. She has good reason not to trust him – he’s giving her reasons not to trust him!

It’s Better to Give Up on Your Relationship When…

You and your partner have different life goals

One of my guy friends wants to have children – he’s 39, and feeling like it’s now or never. But, his 37 year old girlfriend doesn’t want kids. They’ve broken up and gotten back together several times because he wants kids and she doesn’t…and they keep trying to work things out. Neither one will budge on their life goals, but they love each other too much to split up.

If he doesn’t want to give up on this relationship, then he needs to make peace with never having children. It really is as simple as that.

You keep hoping things will get better – but they never do

One my article about the cycle of abuse, a reader said she knows deep down that she should give up on her relationship, but she keeps hoping things will improve. Many women (and men!) stay in loveless marriages or unhealthy relationships for years or even decades, hoping things will get better.

If you’ve been unhappy for more than a few months, then it’s better to give up on your relationship.

Your partner doesn’t care about trying to work things out

Do you feel alone in your relationship? Does it seem like your partner doesn’t love or respect you – much less want to work on your relationship? Are you the only one who wants to learn how to fix your relationship? That’s another common complain women have about their partners: they just don’t seem to care enough to say “I love you”, much less build a strong, healthy relationship.

If your partner doesn’t want to do his part in working things out, then you need to give up. You can’t create a healthy relationship all by yourself.

If you don’t think you can survive without him, read You’re Scared to Be Alone, But Know You Need to End Your Relationship.

Your gut knows what’s best 

Why is it crucial to listen to your gut when you’re trying to decide if you should give up or make your relationship work? Because your gut is picking up on signs and signals that your conscious mind isn’t aware of. Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking does an excellent job describing how our subconscious picks up on external cues and clues. That’s how your gut works: it picks up on things in the environment you’re not even aware of.

when to give up on relationship

“Should You Give Up on Your Relationship?”

In Michelle’s case, I believe she’s picking up on signals from her boyfriend that show who he really is. I don’t think she can trust a guy who cheated on her for eight months – and her gut is telling her the same thing. But it’s not her insecurities that are telling her she should give up on this relationship. It’s him. Her boyfriend is telling her he’s doesn’t want to try to make it work (he’s hanging out with friends of the girl he cheated on, he isn’t showing Michelle his phone, and he’s accusing her of being paranoid and insecure). Sometimes you have to listen to your gut about when to give up on a relationship.

Deciding whether you should give up or make it work can take a long time – it’s a big decision. In the meantime, read 10 Tips for Building a Life Outside Your Relationship.

What do you think – is it better to give up on your relationship, or try to make it work? I welcome your comments below. I can’t tell you when you should give up on a relationship, but you might find your own answers by writing about them below.

Summary
Article Name
Should You Give Up on Your Relationship or Try to Make It Work?
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Sometimes giving up on your relationship is the healthiest, most loving thing you can do. Here's how to know when to give up on a relationship instead of trying to make it work.
Is your marriage in trouble? Get a free marriage assessment and free relationship advice.

If you're dealing with a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love
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  30 Responses to “Should You Give Up on Your Relationship?”

  1. Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing what your boyfriend has been doing in your relationship. I think “giving up” on your relationship is the strongest, healthiest choice you can make. Letting him go means you’re being strong and standing up for yourself.

    You deserve better. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, that you find strength and courage to move forward into a brave new life.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. Hello, My boyfriend and I been together now for 8months. Our relationship was amazing except everytime we fight. First couple of months he saw some guys I dated on my facebook and he just got mad about it. He said I lied when I said I had only 4 boyfriends and the truth is I had more. To be honest these people I went out only for dinner and stuff yes I admit I kissed one or two of them but they never been my bf and I never talk to them in ages eventhough they are in my facebook some of them I totally forgot that they were there. Anyways after that things just get bad everytime we fight he always use my past against me like I am a liar and all that and I didnt do anything I just cried because I said to myself I was wrong I made a mistake of not telling him.

    6months forward we are on a vacation and he needs to msg work and his phone wasnt working so he had to use my phone. Next day when I checked my facebook I saw msgs I check them and i didnt know that it was his fb. I saw a msg from a lady that he said a good friend. Apparently this girl was his ex and i saw all his msgs to her. Its fine for me that was past but the thing I couldnt take is that he was begging her to take him back and he said he love her and hes willing to leave me for her. When i found out he wasnt even feel sorry he was trying to be aggressive and said like things not goin well with us past few months all my lies and all thats why he did that. Stupid of me I forgave him.

    The next couple of weeks of that I was cleaning and saw his old phone so curious I looked at it. What i found out tear me apart he was flirting with his staff at work and even invited the girl to come to our place. I leave for couple of days for work sometimes and so he said to the girl oh my gf is leaving.. I am not stupid its clear that they are flirting with each other. When I confronted him he denied it never admitted anything.

    And then recently this is where my heart gave up. I lose my trust with him and i had a feeling that he still doin something behind my back so while he was sleeping i check his phone. My world stopped i found msgs of him talking naughty to strangers exchanging dirty pictures and even telling the stranger that hes goin to bed and have sex with his gf and the most shocking part he sent a sexy pic of me. I felt disrespected as a woman and a person. I confronted him and he kept on crying and said he went for therapy.

    After all that incident I am still here. I dont know why I am still here I am just plain stupid I guess. He gets irritated at me sometimes and try to talk about my past what I did. I know hes trying to turn the tables around. I am happy when we were not fighting he is a nice caring person but all the fights.. When he gets mad he says harsh things to me, break things and throw things. I dont know what to do anymore. My heart is tired.. I am giving up.

  3. Dear aynn,

    I can’t tell you if you should give up on your relationship, but it sure sounds like you’re not happy with your boyfriend! You don’t feel loved, cherished, safe, or secure. You feel like the relationship problems are your fault.

    Are you being yourself in this relationship? Are you happy with this man? Can you see yourself married to him — exactly the way he is now? Do you want to be with him if he never changes or tries to improve the relationship? Are you willing to be in a relationship with a man who is not willing to try to make things work, or try to make you happy?

    If you answer those questions honestly, you’ll know if it’s better to give up on your relationship, or try to make it work. What do you think?

    Hugs,
    Laurie

  4. Hi.i have a terrible problem.me and my boy had a big fight couple weeks ago and i decide to fix the relationship because i think its my fault.i asked him did he loves me and he said yes.so i just go on with my plans.but he didnt work up with me.he acts like a stranger.i have to follow his mood.whenever he feels like hating me,he hates me so much.he also didnt look at me.i felt so useless.but when i asked him did he want to break up,he deny.btw he used to like my bff and just now my bff were trying some clothes and i felt so insecure when he looks at her.when i try to chat with him,he treat me like rubbish.should i give up?

  5. Dear Nate,

    It sounds like your boyfriend is using you for money and security, but he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. He doesn’t love you, and doesn’t want to connect with you in a real, intimate, committed way.

    You love your boyfriend….but do you love yourself enough to let him go? Do you trust yourself and the Universe enough to bring you a man who loves and respects you?

  6. Ok in a nutshell. I am gay and met this guy in the NYC. I am a professional made a lot of money and basically we became very close. I told him the first night we met who I was and what I wanted and we agreed not to make a one night stand. He did not really swing that way but we did stuff. he shared naked pic of himself. I moved form the city and ended up sending him money every week and we carried on for 7 years on the phone . Last week he tells me he is not moving with me and has a girl and oh by the way he has a problem telling me the truth because he did not want to hurt my feelings. When I suspected something was up for weeks I asked him tried to get him to tell me he said there was no problem. In one explosive night I send him a text showing him that I believe he was lying and he calls me hanging up on me and mad because the girl saw the email. He said he wanted to end the relationship then. Later in the week he wanted to continue the connection if I still sent the money and stopped texting him. Devasted, I am still sending him money but I love him and I don’t want to give up. I need help

  7. Dear Bill,

    I’m sorry to hear about your marriage, and I thank you for sharing your experience here. It sounds like you’re yearning for a healthy, strong, happy relationship with your wife. Yet, no matter what you do, you can’t change your marriage. As you said, you can’t make your wife love you.

    I don’t have any answers for you, I’m afraid. I’m not sure anyone knows how to recreate a love that never existed in the first place.

    One thing that comes to my mind is acceptance. If it were me, I’d try to accept my life and relationship for what it is. When I fight against something, it becomes bigger and heavier. But when I accept it, it becomes a bit lighter and easier to bear.

    Instead of trying to fix your marriage or get your wife to love you, maybe you could consider just accepting that this isn’t the marriage you want. This isn’t the relationship you want, and there is nothing you can do to change it.

    I don’t know if this will make any difference at all, but I know there’s something about acceptance that changes everything. I encourage you to read books by Byron Katie, and think about changing how you think about your marriage.

    I hope this helps a little, and welcome you back anytime to share your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  8. I feel I am in a unique situation, but maybe not…

    I’m a 43 year old man, married to my highschool sweetheart for nearly 22 years. We’ve been together for 25 counting the years we dated. About 5 years (and 2 kids) into the marriage, my wife confessed to me that she she fell in love with another man, and in falling in love with him, realized she never loved me in the manner that a wife should love her husband. She was referring to that physical desire kind of love. We were good friends, but that’s about all she saw me as.

    After a few months of being separated, and headed towards divorce, she asked for reconcilliation and an opportunity to work on finding the love that was missing. I was elated, as not only did I not want to see our family break up, I loved and missed her more than I thought possible.

    The next few years saw 2 more children born, bringing us to 4. Things were going good, and I thought past was behind us, and that she had found the missing love for me that was not there for her early in the marriage. Not to toot my own horn here, but I did everything possible to be the best husband, friend, and lover I could be. I knew the tremendous hurt of almost losing her, and I was so grateful for a second chance.

    About a year ago now (2012), things suddenly got “strange” between us. I confronted her one evening about what was wrong, and she confessed that dispite trying desparately to find the love for me she wanted, it had never happened, and she just couldn’t go on pretending any longer. She didn’t want to hurt me because she genuinely cares for me, and she didn’t know how to tell me.

    So, a year later, we basically “co-habitate” and have remained together trying to determine what the future holds. Our youngest two kids are middle school age, and neither of us wants to put them through the pain of a breakup. (The oldest 2 are in their early 20’s now).

    I still love her as much as I did the day I married her. I don’t want to lose her, but I know I can’t make her love me, and I don’t want either of us to become miserable (more than we are) just “existing” until the youngest graduates.

    I so much want to love and be equally loved back. I also want her to find the love she’s desired for so long – I just can’t imagine not loving my spouse, and I know she wants to feel it too. As far as counciling goes…been there, done that. No one we’ve talked to can give us any help as to how to “rekindle” a love that was never there to begin with.

    Just not sure what the next move should be here.

  9. Dear Amy,

    I don’t think you’re being duped if you give your boyfriend another chance and he doesn’t come through. He’s not deliberately trying to trick you (or is he? If so, that’s a different story!).

    It sounds like your boyfriend has other, more important, priorities in his life. He likes or even loves you, but he doesn’t put you first.

    If I were you, I wouldn’t expect him to change. I can’t tell you if you should give up on your relationship — but if you stay, I think you need to accept him the way he is right now. I wouldn’t have any expectations that he shows up when he says he will.

    Also, I think it’s especially hurtful when you tell him that something is important to you, and he doesn’t show up. It’s embarrassing to be in a relationship with someone so uncaring, unthoughtful, and rude! Yet women do it all the time.

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  10. I’ve been seeing guy on and off for about a year. The first 6 months were good and bad. He would not follow thru on going out with me, didn’t show up to my bday when he said he would etc. But when we were together it was great, i could see myself being with this person. But eventually by Dec i was fed up and he also told me he didn’t want to be in a relationship. I decided to move on. We saw each other in a different city, it was not a planned, so of course i thought it was fate. But when we were back things got worse. We barely spoke for about 3 months until i finally decided to ignore him. And of course he came back telling me that he wanted to be more serious about me etc. We’ve been dating again for about 3 months, and everything has been going great. I’ve really noticed a change in him in the way he’s towards me. So i asked him to finally meet my friends and told him that this was important to me. So he said he was coming, and of course never showed up. He was really sorry he admitted that he messed up etc that he was ready to take it to the next level. I feel like i’ve given him so many chances and yet he wants another one. I want to give me another chance but I just don’t want to be duped again. Help!

  11. Dear Torn,

    I think you should follow your gut! Trust what your brain, heart, and soul is telling you. You’ll regret it if you ignore your instincts. I don’t even think this is about your relationship with your boyfriend — it’s about your relationship with YOURSELF!

    Put yourself first, and listen to your own wisdom and truth. Do what you’d tell your younger self to do, or your little sister. Be strong, smart, and savvy.

    I’m on your team! Are you?

  12. Never done this before, but here goes nothing!

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years. Maybe its the 8 year mark, but I’ve been feeling like this relationship is going down the toilet. Last year, I had a gut feeling he was up to something when he went to work. Even though I shouldn’t have, I checked his history on his computer. I couldn’t believe it, my intuition was right. He made a fake email account emailing these women on Craigslist asking for a “Bed and Breakfast”. I calmly called and talked to him. He admitted to it and I left him. For years, he would criticize cheaters (he was cheated on from past relationships) and so when I read what I saw, it killed me. Even though, all he did was email them sexual things and nothing physical, the thought of what if i didn’t catch him made me breakdown. Next day, he comes to visit me at work with a promise ring. I know right? At that time, 7 years and you screwed up and now you want to give me a ring? I hate to admit it, but I took him back that same day.

    Long story short, I guess I haven’t gotten over it. I fear that he’s just being careful with what he’s doing. He even lets me check his stuff – openly with him offering me his phone.. etc.

    He also just recently spilled his heart to me that he wants to marry me. He wants to do better to make us work. The only thing that worries me is that I don’t think I’m ready for that. I love him with all my heart and I’ll be right by his side, but that same gut feeling I had in the past, is telling me to throw in the towel.

    Even though we talked about our issues in our relationship time and time again.. it just feels harder to stay. And not to sound whiny, but there’s also other issues we have such as him smoking (promised to quit, never did.. kept it a secret).

    What do I do? The positive, the negative, anything. I don’t want to suck both our love lives dry ):

  13. I wish I could wave my magic wand and give you all the best advice on your marriage and life, but I can’t. I can’t keep up with the comments! Plus, I don’t know your situations well enough to give you informed, wise advice.

    But I do have a question for you: If you could wake up tomorrow with a totally different life, what would it look like? Who would you be with, what would you be doing, and where would you live?

  14. Dear Rachel,

    Thank you for being here!

    It sounds like you and your partner have gone through a lot of changes lately, which is affecting how you relate to each other. Like you said, this is part of the good and bad stress that comes with having a new baby in your life. She’s a blessing, but she has also changed your life, hasn’t she?

    I wrote this for you:

    How to Know if Your Relationship is Ending

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  15. My boyfriend and I had been together for 2 years and broke up with me a couple weeks before our 2nd anniversary. The first half of our relationship was better than amazing, we both knew we were soul mates and we have a connection that we’ve never felt for any other past exs.as we got comfortable, of course it was easier for us to annoy or hit heads but he tends to blow things out of porportion and wants to break up over small fights by blowing them up into big fights. We have had our tough times but we have always been able to work it out and stick theough it. Just recently we bickered and he wanted to break up so we did, he told me I was too emotional and mean to others and that he wasn’t in the relationship 100% and wasn’t happy and that we fight too much and bicker a lot but we had not had a fight before the night he blew up a small bicker to make it into a fight. I was blown away because I thought everything was going great and we were doing so good so I was really surprised when he said all these things. He admitted to not being good at communication and expressing himself. He also said that he hates relationships and would never get into another after me. I love him so much that I would have been able to work through it with him so that we could work because we always have. I have tried and tried to show him what a mistake he’s making but he still insists that he isn’t making a wrong decision. I don’t want to seem like I have no dignity but my gut and mind and heart all tell me that this isn’t where it ends. I really am stuck.

  16. i have been with my boyfriend for 9 months, he never told me when we met that he lived with an ex, he was very clever at diverting the conversation if i asked to vist (he lives 60miles away) curiousity got the better of me and i found on the internet he shares a house with a girl and then he came clean. we decided to work through it but i cant deal with the fact he lives with her any longer, i also just discovered he went to a wedding of a friend and although he told me there was no plus one invite i found a picture on the internet of him and her there together. he has said he will give everything up and move in with me to show its me he wants to be with – what do i do?

  17. Dear Kayla,

    It’s hard to know if you should give up on your relationship or stick it out — and it’s hard for me to tell you what to do!

    But, here’s what I think:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/signs-its-time-to-break-up-with-boyfriend/

    What do you think you should do? Where do you see your relationship in one year?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  18. I’ve been with my partner for 6 years now I’m 22 and he is 25 we have a beautiful little girl who is 15months and all our relationship we have had little fights here and there. My partner is very dominante, he was just raised that way and I’m very free willed and inderpendant but we are great friends. Though lately after having our daughter it seems like every little disagreement my partner blames me for starting the fight and says I do everything wrong and that I need to change and what not. It’s just seems it goes from a little disagreement to breaking up. I’m worried that my partner doesn’t want to be here. We’ve had issues before and I know having a baby adds a lot of pressure but how is it possible to get on do great so days and others have him just hate me. I have no idea what the best thing to do is. I love him but am I just holding onto our relationship even though its ending? Help! Thanks

  19. I don’t know weather to give up on this guy or stick it out. We haven’t been together long but so far it had been great, he seemed to really be into me. I knew he was going through a lot of issues with getting laid off and other finacial issues, I’ve told him from the beginning that I’d stick with him through his hard time. We just had a big fight for three days about a scare with an sti, it was just an over reaction on his part, it was just a rash. I know he was scared but he ignored me for teo days instead of communicating with me. He says were fine now but it feels like I’m the only one putting in any effort. We haven’t seen eachother ksince the fight a couple days ago so we havent gotten a chance to talk it out. I know he’s extremely busy and its hard to get down to see him (he lives 30 away) but it makes me sad that he doesn’t act the same as before. Do I move on or wait it out? I try to talk to him but he just gets frustrated and i feel like I’m nagging, how do i make a choice?

  20. Dear Cori,

    Thank you for sharing your struggles here – I am sorry for what you are going through.

    Have you considered a trial separation? Maybe go stay with your parents for a couple of months, and give your partner a chance to see what life is like without you and your son. Sometimes people need a scare like that to help them come to their senses. Your partner is letting his gambling take over his life, and is not taking the loss of you seriously. That is just what I think, of course…you are the expert on your relationship and life!

    What do you think of this?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  21. Here is my issue. My partner of 5 years has become addicted to gambling and has been doing it for the last year. We have a 4 year old son together. At first, I did not say much about the gambling until it started to affect the family finances. Since August of 2012, I decided I had had enough of him going to the casino and blowing his entire check. It leaves me, and my minimum wage earning job to attempt to pick up the slack, which I cannot. We are behind on rent and have bills piling up, yet he continues to spend mostly every penny he earns at the casino, with little regard to the little one and me. I have tried to appeal to all of his sensibilities. I have told him how his son should have first priority. I have told him that if he truly wants to overcome this, he will need to go to GamAnon. Nothing is getting through to him and it is making me so stressed and miserable that I just want to leave.. but I have no where to go. My parents live 8hours away. Ive got no one to depend on close by. The sad thing is, I do love him. I have been trying to help him. But I am at my wits end and I am struggling with if it is time to take our boy and get away from this situation before he drags us down with him. My heart hurts. He has been lying to me too about where he is and what he does. He has taken to skipping work to gamble. Today, I had to walk the mile to work with my son because he did not come home when he was supposed to so I could take the car to work. Try walking a mile in February, in Wisconsin, on Valentines day, with a four year old when you are already late for work. Part of me wants to pack a bag, leaving all I own behind, and catch a bus to my parents with my boy. Part of me wishes my man would come to his senses and see what he is doing to us. Something has got to give soon. Before I break.

  22. Dear Alice,

    It sounds like your boyfriend is an introvert and you’re an extrovert. This doesn’t necessarily mean you should give up on your relationship and break up with him.

    Here’s an article for couples who have different personality traits – it may help you decide if you should try to make your relationship work, or give up:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/introverts-in-love-with-extroverts-love-relationships/

    Let me know what you think!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  23. I’ve been in a relationship for 2 years with a guy a little younger than me,I’m 28, he’s 26 (but not just age – I have had more relationships) so I have always excused our relationship as a slow burner because of this. I have kept it going thinking eventually things will be how I want as our relationship grows. I have probably got really high expectations so because he gives me so much love and obviously does love me I keep waiting and trying. I know he has an idea of what I want because I have told him. I just want a healthy relationship where we do things together and part of each other’s lives but I have hardly met his family and he is not overly keen to meet mine however I don’t push it. we only really go out together if it’s a special occasion as he is happier being indoors watching football, sleeping and smoking. I’m bored doing this. I’ve told him this but there is always an excuse and if we do go out it seems like a big deal for him. I just want to have fun with my partner, sometimes do nothing and sometimes be spontaneous. I know there are lots of reasons to not be together but I feel like he needs more time and I keep thinking eventually we will meet in the middle. I know he cares for me, loves me and I completely trust him. he has good intentions but never really gets its. is love enough? should I really end it with a guy who loves me so much?? I have always had things my way in the past and not been happy so does this mean he is good for me as I don’t get it all my way? breaking up would be so sad but surely I’d get over it…?

  24. Dear Jenny,

    I don’t know why you’re holding on to this man, but I do know you’re not alone! So many women stay in bad or unhealthy relationships, because it’s easier to stay with in the hell you know than leave and perhaps not find someone to love you again.

    Why do you think you’re staying in this relationship? Why are you so reluctant to give up on it?

  25. Dear Sarah,

    I’m sorry I missed your comment. What did you decide – did you give up on your relationship, or are you trying to make it work?

  26. First of all, I know how alot of people are very critical with grammar and punction so I am telling you know that English is not my first language so please bare with me. My life started to go in a roller coater ride since last year, I agreed to give my husband the space that he asked for, although I fought him so hard to not separate from me, I knew it had to be done. I wasn’t the perfect wife, I had my flaws. And I’d be a hypocrite if I said I were. Anyways, I had this nasty feeling in my gut that he was hiding something from me, like something BAD. At that time I would use his celfone ( I didn’t have one at that time) and he didn’t mine me using it or going thru it I mean there was nothing to hide. But then he got a txt message late at night from unsaved number. Saying if I was still home? So i replied ” This is his wife, I will let him know you text him” I should’ve told that person off but I wasn’t sure if it was his buddy & I didn’t want to make another “mistake” because during those times I was always in the wrong and seems to me like I was always the bad guy. So I let that one slide. Weeks came by, he was still acting strange and I am still trying to win him over by giving him pretty much everything he wants, nothing was working. So I gave In and told him ok I’ll give u your space. I was gone for a month but still kept in contact with him ( we didn’t end things just took a breather) & I found out that he indeed started a full blown affair with a woman who looked like a man and left her and started another emotional affair with another woman. While I was thinking the whole time this was all my fault. I should forgive him. I kept thinking to myself why would this women allow this man who have a family do all that? When all those time all we talked about was being back together. But I do it know maybe I am dumb and in love. This is still going on until today, and now he chose her. And I am lost. All our dreams and plans for our family just vanish. And soon I will have to leave our home, and will have to raise our child on my own. I don’t know what to do, I know what he did, but why am I still trying to fight? Why am I allowing myself to be in this stituation. Why am I holding onto his promises? Sometimes I just want to wake up and say this was all just a bad dream. But I know it isn’t. And it’s so unfair that they both get to live the life that we had, and I have to life with this pain of losing the love of my life

  27. I was with my boyfriend for just over two years. Our relationship had many ups and downs. One of the major problems was his connection with one of my closest friends. During the early stages of our relationship, my boyfriend and my best friend became very close. They would talk on the phone constantly. He would stop mid-sentence with me to reply to her texts.

    I felt very insecure, but he just said I was being petty when I confronted him about it. They started visiting each other behind my back. The lies just kept pilling on. They both made seem like it was my fault that they were lying to me about it, they said it was because they wanted to avoid my “reactions”. They both became very secretive, putting locks on their phones and my boyfriend changed his passwords for everything (even though I had never looked through anything before).

    They made me miserable for over a year and a half. I felt rejected and unwanted because not only was my boyfriend paying more attention to her, but neither of them cared that they were hurting me. It got to the point where they were saying they loved each other, and had even admitted to me that they had feelings for each other. I was devastated, but I believed my boyfriend when he said he would never act on it. I gave them so many chances because they were both in really bad places mentally. My boyfriend told me that he was just confused when he thought he had feelings for her, and that it didn’t last very long. Eventually, they backed away from each other and soon there was no contact between the two of them at all.

    A few months ago I found a document of messages between my boyfriend and my friend. They were very sexual. When I confronted my boyfriend about it, he initially tried to lie, but eventually admitted that he had been cheating on me with her. I later found out that it was happening for about 6 months, but they had cut it off about 3 months before I found out.

    I felt so betrayed, how could two of the most important people in my life do that to me? How could a friend do that to someone who was always there for them? I also felt so stupid, the obvious signs were there – I just didn’t believe either of them were capable of doing such a thing. More than anything, I had just wanted to trust them.

    It’s been 4 months now, and I haven’t really heard from my friend, I suppose she doesn’t really care. However, my now-ex has shown multiple signs of remorse. He is so dedicated to changing and doing anything it takes for us to be together again. He is seeking therapy to understand why he did it, and to work on his emotional problems. I’ve told him I don’t know if I could ever trust or forgive him again. But he says he’s willing to wait for me.

    I’m so hurt. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick to the core. I feel so much pain every day, because of them. And now he wants me back.. I still love him, but I’m not in love with him. Everything has changed, I have changed. A part of me doesn’t want to lose him, but the other part wants to run for the hills.

    What should I do?

  28. Dear Broken,

    What a survivor you are! I’m so sorry to hear about your loss – I can’t imagine how difficult that was for you. It’s scary enough to be in a bad car accident, but to lose so many loved ones is terrible. My heart breaks for you, and my prayers are with you.

    I wrote this for you:

    Am I Sick for Staying With a Man Who Keeps Cheating on Me?

    I don’t know if it’s better to give up on your relationship or try to make it work. It’s so complicated, especially when you have children you want to protect! And, you love your fiance – even if he is having affairs. I know how difficult it is to walk away from love (even if it’s unhealthy).

    Please read what I wrote for you, and let me know how you’re doing. I can’t tell you what you should do, but I’m here to listen!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  29. ive been with my fiance for a little over three years now with one breakup that lasted about 10 months. about 21 months ago i was in a tragic car accident and lost my 3 year old son, my mom, my dad, and my sister who was also my best friend. we somehow reconnected after that and have been together ever since. he said he’d be there to help me through my pain and be there for my daughters(from a previous relatioship)for the most part he has been. but does it really count if hes been continously cheating? he lies about every and anything possible. its like when hes not home he leads a secret life. four months ago i gave birth to our daughter and not that i thought it would fix us but i thought and prayed that things would get better. of course he says he loves me and would do anything for our family but his actions are clearly the opposite. i dont know what to do anymore, im so insecure because of the accident i cant walk much with my broken hip and pelvic bone and now 2 metal plates. i wanna walk away but i cant, i dont know how. i dont want my daughters to be without him. and i must confess i love him more than i ever have but when i look at him, i dont see the person i fell in love with, i see a stranger!!! he only admits to one affair but with everything ive found its clearly much more. i dont know whats next for us. i cant take much more of anything. im broken and lost and feel so lonely. i need help. he was suppose to help not make me wish i had died along with my family.but im so confused, i still want his touch, his kisses, by arms around me. i know i must be sick in the head to still want it but i do. someone please respond.

  30. What if ur husband is not cheating on u (that u know of)?? bUT U JUST dont feel the love of effection anymore?? I just feel like a single woman(just without sex).

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