May 092011
 

Control freaks are so manipulative, you barely realize you’re being manipulated! These signs of a control freak will help you see your relationship more clearly.

These tips are from a woman who was involved with a control freak boyfriend for long enough to know how difficult it is to leave.

“I was in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship for 6 months,” says Loni. “The warning signs were ever so slight, but they all added up. I realized two weeks ago that this man was a narcissist and a manipulator. I left with a safety plan.”

If you’re in a bad relationship and you’re ready to take back your life, read Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

And here are a few signs your man is controlling and manipulative…

4 Signs of a Control Freak

Loni says, “Within weeks of meeting he was buying me wedding magazines…if your man says “I love you” too quickly or seems too good to be true, it could be a red flag. He’s trying to make you believe he is a good man, and he doesn’t give you time to think.”

This is how she describes a man who is a control freak:

He has no flaws. My man appeared to be highly romantic. His life was perfect and everyone around him was perfect. Men who try to manipulate and control women want them to they they have no emotional problems and everyone loves them.

He charms your family and friends, then pulls you away. He met my family immediately and was incredibly charming, as with any close friends I introduced him to. A controlling, manipulative, narcissistic man wants to charm your family so when you come back to them with questions about his behavior and abuse, they won’t understand and may even defend him.

Then he started to not want me to keep in contact with people in my life, old friends, close or not. He said he didn’t trust them with me. Men who try to manipulate and control are insecure and obsessed with control. They want to know everything about you, especially your vulnerable qualities.

He starts to verbally manipulate and control you. He became verbally threatening and used language that nobody close to me who loved me would ever use. Controlling and manipulative men get you in their grasp, and things get worse.  His language and anger would dissipate and then he’d be extremely remorseful and romantic. Men like this blame women for their outbursts.

If you want to leave a control freak, read Is Your Boyfriend Emotionally Abusive? 4 Ways to Get Strong and Leave.

He moved really fast. This man wanted us to move in together almost immediately. He began looking for apartments and made it appear as if it was all about making a life together and “us being happy.” Living with you is key to his breaking you down, so he can monitor you and try to manipulate you to giving up your finances.

My story is the same as everyone who has been abused, controlled manipulated: these people are predators of the mind. You must trust yourself and speak to people you trust early on to check  in with “what is normal”  take mental notes. Also, learn how to deal with a control freak.

If you’re not sure if your boyfriend is lying to you, learn how to find out the truth.

How to Leave a Control Freak

I am incredibly grateful to my family and close friends.  When I realized I was being manipulated and controlled, which happened when I was away from him for a few days, I realized this was ” abuse. ”  When I revealed the behavior to my family they immediately helped me leave the relationship safely.

If you’re involved with an emotionally manipulative man, read How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship? A Starting Point.

Is your marriage in trouble? Get a free marriage assessment and relationship advice.

If you're dealing with a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love
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Know how to leave the relationship safely. What does this mean?  He must not know you are planning to leave, because he’ll try to manipulate you to make you stay.  His behavior will get worse if he knows you are leaving.

Confide in people close to you, whom you trust. Get support from your family and close friends. Contact a women’s shelter, distress centre, or even 911. Tell them you need somewhere to go because you are leaving an abusive relationship.  Sometimes in crisis strangers can give you the best advice for help.  They have no bias.

Leave when he’s not around. If you live with him, determine a time of day that he isn’t home.  Once you know he has left and he isn’t suspicious, get your personal belongings and get out.

Ask your friends to be cautious. If you are getting help from a friend, ask them to contact a friend of theirs that neither you or your abuser knows.  Stay with them until you have made your next plan.  Get the police involved immediately.  Fill out an information report stating the nature of the abuse and fear for your safety.  This will help you start the legal process to protect yourself.

Don’t talk to his friends, family, or coworkers. Do not make any contact with anyone he knows. He will go through every contact he knows trying to locate you.  The friend who helped you can then tell them that they don’t know where you are either… you are safe.  He will call you, text you, threaten you or try to charm you back.

Stay away from him – he will keep trying to control you. His behavior will not change… you are now in control, this will scare him but you are saving yourself so stay strong and be still in your pride that you got out.  Stay away from any of the areas you would go with him, he will begin frequenting them hoping to see you there.  Change your routine, let your work know what is going on, quit your job if you have to- this is about your life and safety.

Get counseling. Do an internet search or Google women’s shelters (in your city). Access the support you need to stay out. Men who control, manipulate, and hurt you won’t change!!!  You will go through a process of “de-compression” with counselling. One minute your mind will tell you he wasn’t such a bad man; the next minute you will feel rage.  This is normal!

For more tips, read How to Break Free From an Emotionally Destructive Relationship.

Remember how this man controlled and manipulated you. To help you stay focused on how controlling and hurtful this man was (so you don’t go back), write down on a piece of paper the lowest moment in the relationship. Write down how it made you feel and state that his behaviour was abuse.  Any moment where he is trying to call you or has texted you, bring the paper out and read it to yourself.  Don’t have any contact with him.

If you can’t let him go even though you know he’s a control freak, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.

Don’t hesitate to contact the police. Trust your intutions about how to stay safe. Also, get a different car, change your cell phone number, and stick to your safety plan. If he approaches you, tell him you will call the police and do it!!  He is frightened and insecure. Show him you are strong and will protect yourself.  Get a restraining order, and keep the police aware of your situation so they know how to best protect you.

Now, it’s about you and a life free from being controlled, manipulated, and hurt. You have the power, breathe and trust in yourself that you did the right thing.

Blessings,
Loni
xoxo

Are you in a relationship with a control freak? Read 11 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship.

is he a control freak

About Me

quips tips love relationshipsI'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.

  10 Responses to “4 Signs of a Control Freak”

  1. Dear Melissa,

    Your ex-husband seems to want whatever he doesn’t have, and he tries to gain power over you by manipulating and controlling you!

    But now you’re smarter and healthier, because you’ve learned from your past. He doesn’t have the power to control you now, does he?

    The only way he can control and manipulate you now is if you let him. What strategies are you using to stop him?

  2. I met my husband at 16, married at 23 and had 2 kids; he divorced me when I was 36 (6 months ago). I broke up 4 times when dating because he was Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, mean then nice. I didn’t understand it because I didn’t grow up in that environment, but I was loyal to him and his sweet talking always did the trick to get me to come back to him. i remember complaining to family and friends about criticism, but was busy in college and stayed in the relationship. We were married almost 13 years and two years ago he had an affair and I came to realize all the critical, controlling, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde behavior I’d experienced, mixed in with loving times, was not normal. I developed anxiety. Suddenly, he was he was obsessed with getting a divorce as he pushed 40 years old. He pushed me to agree to totally unfair settlement. I’d hire a lawyer and he’d say let’s reconcile, then go see the girlfriend, who lived outside the a country. The second lawyer I had I stood my ground for several months, but he slowly eroded me down with constant fighting about settlement terms and because he had kids, and I was not wiser, his controlling, emotionally exhausting behavior took its toll and I just wanted the divorce “over”, so I signed papers, but he said the divorce was on “hold”, then pushed it through and went out of the country. I had to hire yet another lawyer, because I dropped mine thinking the lawyer he got was working for both of us – another manipulative lie!!! Then after the divorce, he’s been chasing me the past 6 months trying to “reconcile”. It’s such a mess. I know he has the issue and I have to rebuild my life and pay off debts. I wish I saw this site about 6 months ago!!

  3. Dear Cooper,

    Thank you for sharing. Sometimes it’s hard for outsiders to understand why women stay with controlling, manipulative men. It seems like it should be so easy to leave, but it’s not – especially when it’s all you know. Like you said, controlling, manipulative relationships aren’t just about the present…they’re about the past, too.

    I hope you find the support you need to leave him. Or have you already left? You did mention “ex”…

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  4. I was abuse and controolled my whole life then my last ex was everyone rolled into one. I tried to leave so many times but never did or went back, I still don’t understand the hows or whys. At one point I had enough went to my mom who told me it’s my problem don’t come crying to her again, which this just pushed me to stay in ways, because unlike the others who cheated on me all the time he wouldn’t even look at other girls. But the I had to stay in all the time while he got to do whatever, the put downs, it became to much. N there’s day I want to run back because it’s the only thing I know

  5. I am in an abusive relationship. I have left 4 times and gone back because he is threatening me with lawyers etc.

    It is hard as we have kids together. Things are very complicated with money etc.

    Good luck to all you women out there; chin up!

  6. was my ex a control freak

  7. i want to know was my ex a control freak he was very hurt in the past but i think it all stemmed when he,s mother left him .when we got to together 7 mths ago he couldnt do enough for me wanted us to get a place together out of the way from estates .he was a hard man had anger issues, said it was due to he,s past he sorted things out by he,s fists. but when he was with me he was funny do jobs for me , but never went shopping only bootfairs he was tight with money ,he did help in some ways but it seemed to change , he didnt like me going to see my friends, he didnt like me going to see my daughter didnt want her coming to my house when i did go to my friends for lunch he would get angry with me for not ringing him at this time ,he was at his own flat but always liked me to ring him 3 times a day even more,he allways chatted to other women never a man .he got angry when he said i didnt listen an i butted in when he was talking to me .didnt like me going to the gym, visiting my daughter ,wanted to walk the dog with me ,as for sex that stopped ,why i dont know he put it down to stress.didnt like me walking away when he was speaking to me .was allways lovable in front of my fiends an family but at home he just gave me the odd cuddle an peck, said i should make a move on him never told me he loved me, said he had been hurt in the past by women ,dont like woman in his face but it ok for him to be nasty he never hit me tho in our rows, he would walk away an we would part i loved him very much but he was kinda cold alot, towards the end he blamed me for the split .said i changed but to me, i stuck up for myself ,couldnt take anymore as i had bad stuff in the past ,but i seem lost without him in some ways i felt safe.

  8. Dear Ceecee,

    I’m sorry to hear your daughter is with a manipulative, controlling man.

    I wrote this article for you:

    How Do I Help My Daughter Get Away From a Manipulative Man?

    I hope it helps, and will pray for you, her, and your granddaughter.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  9. Well I think my daughter is in a m.relationship,i havent heard frm.her in about twelve months,and am afraid she might be in danger also with my granddaughter,so plz.pray for us and I will do da same for whoever,plz get out before its to late!!!

  10. Thank you. I feel I might be in one.

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