When Your Husband Says He Hates You

You found the strength to say “my husband said he hates me.” Now, you must find courage to decide what to do with an angry, controlling husband. Women often tell me that their husbands hate them, or they hate their husbands. Here’s what to do if your husband calls you names and treats you like dirt.

When Your Husband Says He Hates YouIn Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft describes nine abusive personality types and how to tell if a hateful husband can change, is changing, or ever will. She discusses what can be fixed when a husband hates his wife, and what can’t. She also describes how to leave a relationship safely.

I don’t know if you need to leave your marriage, or if you and your husband can find the root of the hatred and start to heal it. Either way, learning why your husband is so angry and hostile will help you figure out what step to take next. I always feel helpless and sad when I read comments from wives trapped in hostile marriages, because I don’t know how to help. I was writing to a woman today – her husband tells her every day how much he hates her – and realized that one of the best ways to help is to share how other women coped with husbands who hated them.

Here’s what one of those women – a woman who left a husband who hated her –  says: “You have only one life to live,” says Sherry. “Don’t look back one day when you’re old and gray and full of regret. My heart hurts for you because I know how hard it is when your husband says he hates you, but believe me you can feel joy and happiness in your heart again.”

Do you want to spend the only life you have hating your husband and him hating you? Do you want that to be what your children remember from their childhood?

When Your Husband Says He Hates You

Here’s the rest of Sherry’s comment: “Your kids cannot be happy if you’re not happy. Plain and simple – you should leave for your kids’ sake. It won’t be easy at first but I can assure you that with a lot of love and patience, you and your kids will be ok. I separated from my kids father 13 years ago and my son asked me why his dad was leaving, and not me! I was broken, but today I’m my son’s queen – he loves me and shows it every day! I am a happy woman. My daughter says she would have loved to grow up with her dad, but understands that we could have never been happy together…”

Even if you don’t have kids, you can’t stay married if your husband hates you! It’s not easy to leave, but you deserve a better life. You owe it to yourself – and your kids – to leave a man who says he hates you.

How Does Your Husband Show His Anger and Hatred?

Here’s what Dee says: “I am 23, and have been married to my husband since I was 15. I started dating him at age 14. Since age 14, I have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused. I have three children with him ages 8, 7, and 6. He is physically and verbally abusive to them also. He has never been any support for me as I am the only person in the home that works: I pay all of the bills, and come home daily to be verbally abused. I am often called b**ch, wh**e, s**t, and any other name you can think of: I am constantly accused of seeing other men. My husband is a monster and the worst person in the world. Please help me, with any advice to get out of this life with him!!!!”

It breaks my heart to hear a woman in so much pain, stuck with a man who is also in a great deal of pain. He’s spreading his pain, anger, and hatred to the rest of his family. He is ruining his children’s childhoods by hating and abusing them and their mother.

Call a Women’s Support Line

I searched for “domestic violence helpline”, and got hundreds of results for my area alone. If you want to get away from a husband who hates you, you need to be proactive and reach out for help.

Calling for help is really hard – my friend’s husband just left her and the kids, and she hasn’t called a divorce lawyer. He told her six months ago that he wanted a divorce, and she could not bring herself to call for help, even though she knew it was the right thing to do. I describe her situation in When Your Husband Wants a Divorce – But Won’t Leave.

I can’t give personal advice or counseling to women whose husbands hate them – or wives who hate their husbands. I can only encourage them to get help in person, not just online.

Start Opening Up to People – Tell Them Your Husband Hates You

husband hates his wife

What to Do When Your Husband Says He Hates You

If my coworker, neighbor, or family member told me that her husband said he hates her, I’d do everything I could to help her get out of the marriage! If you need help leaving your husband, you need to get in-person support. It’s a good to find online support when you think your husband hates you – or you hate him.

But you need help in person, especially if you’re married to an abusive man

You need help organizing your children, finances, and a place to live. You need to talk this through with someone — preferably a counselor or social worker who is experienced and can give you good guidance.

One way to start getting in-person help is by talking to your friends, family, and coworkers. I know it can be really difficult to open up to people, but it’s the first step in leaving your husband. Or, at least it’ll help you gain clarity and insight! You may be surprised at how many women have been in the same situation you’re in today, and how helpful they can be.

Remember that your kids are listening and learning from you and your husband. Do you want them to be in a marriage like this? Show them how strong, courageous, and independent a woman can be.

Keep writing about the steps you’re taking to break free from a husband who hates and controls you. Keep talking to your friends or family members about how he treats you and that you’re thinking of leaving! Those little steps add up to a big journey that will change your life.

Read How to Leave an Abusive Relationship if you know it’s time to start thinking about going.

Do you know what to do when your husband says he hates you? I welcome your comments and stories below, but I can’t offer counseling or advice. Please, call a domestic violence helpline if your husband is abusive.

May you seek God’s wisdom, love, and peace as you move forward. Trust that He will lead you in the right direction. Have faith in Him – and listen for His voice.

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46 Responses

  1. Anonymous L says:

    My husband and I resent each other so much it’s turned into sheer hatred. We both have issues and both of us are responsible for the state of our marriage. The thing is, I know that I still love him and don’t want to let go. I love him more than he loves me. I think he loves me only because he doesn’t think he could find another that would love him as much as I love him. I know we should divorce and I know that neither of us will truly be happy together…I just don’t know if we will truly be happy apart either.

  2. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    JB, thank you for your comments – it’s awesome to see that you’re not letting your husband’s choices dictate your own! Your story about the trip to Paris is inspiring. We need to focus on leading fulfilling lives, and do our best to ignore the negative influence of others…even our husbands.

    You are an inspiration, and I’m glad you’re here!


  3. Leen says:

    My husband said he regrets marrying me
    What to do? I’m 26 weeks pregnant

    • Jb says:

      My husband has also said cruel things such as regretting marrying me, he hates me, he wants out…and so on. I have learned over the 30 years we have been together to not retaliate and to just not “buy it.” He is still here. Your husband is lashing out. He is frightened because in 14 weeks he will be a father of a beautiful baby. He is not sure he is up to the task. This is where you have to be strong for your sake and the sake of your baby. Take care of yourself. Be good and kind to yourself without harming your husband. Do what you would do if he was fawning all over you. Keep it positive. Speak little except for positive thoughts. Don’t ask him any questions. Don’t interrogate or ask for explanations. Prepare for your baby and a happy family. Ignore the hateful comments or just smile and say…”you’ll feel better soon” or “oh, you’re just saying that…I know it’s not always easy.” Don’t start a fight and don’t engage in one. You may end up bearing the full responsibility for this child but take it one day at a time. Live in the moment and shake off his negativity. That is the best you can do. And this is a part of forming the positive behaviours in your marriage that will set the stage for your future together. Just keep it positive. Laugh a lot. Engage with the outside world. Love your pregnancy and your beautiful new baby. Then thank your husband for being a great dad and giving you such a lovely child. Read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. It will help. Use it as a bible. Good luck. There are people out there who love you. Know this.

      • Michele Evans says:

        I like your comment I go through a lot of your same situations everyday since the beginning of our relationship. It has gotten better over the years, but still now and then he gets really angry. Your suggestions are real to me because I do a lot of the same all the time. I believe in not sinning with divorce and still hold on to GOD’s promise that he will heal us. I see it slowly over the years and get discouraged when he acts crazy again.

        • Jb says:

          I truly admire that Michele. It took me about six years to figure it out. The tragedies and traumas of others around the world have given me strength, for the sake of humanity, to put my travails in perspective. My husband is starting to engage more also and I know it’s because of my behaviour. There is a way to put your foot down without engaging in battle. Our kids and I booked a trip to Paris for next week without my husband because he didn’t want to go. We asked him to join us and let him know he is loved and welcome. But he just wants to be alone in his room. But now that he has watched the news and seen the love and sorrow of Parisians he is looking at himself and us and I can see him wondering what the heck he is sulking and ruminating about. So he has decided to join us. Why wouldn’t he? And I didn’t need to say a thing. It’s really about perspective and internal locus of control. He has a loving wife and kids. All we need to do is look around and thank God for what we have. My life is a dream and I am so grateful for that. The only thing that can get in the way is an angry husband, especially when you don’t see it coming. I think if all women knew how to laugh and shake it off without doing harm then families would be so much happier and healthier. When your husband is in pain he likes to inflict it on you. When he sees it isn’t hurting he will eventually learn to stop. His pain isn’t about you at all. I know it is hard…and yes, discouraging. But please know, Michele, that you are not alone. I have you in my heart. If it helps to think of that when he acts crazy then we have exchanged a meaningful gift.

  4. Amy` says:

    We have been married 47 years and since day one he has hated sex or intimacy. In all these years I’ve never found out why he feels the way he does! He hates any sex, there for he hates me. He’s never slept with me or have we went any where together let alone speak to me. He eats and sleeps mostly in his garage, it has an apartment attached to it ! I feel like a 67 year old virgin, we had sex once and that was a disaster. I’m to old to care any more, I do have a nice house which he keeps up and up to date, super health benefits, clothes and a well taken care of car. I have many friends who know my situation and a shrink. All are helpful and caring. He’s retired and just stays cooped up in his own area and goes no where and has no friends that I know of.

    • Kev says:

      Seriously, if you really thought he hates you for all that time and you’ve accepted an apparent no sex life then you have no reason to complain at this late stage. You’ve already said you’re past caring so I puzzle at your reasoning for posting?

    • Jb says:

      Amy….just ignore Kev’s comment. It’s mean spirited. You have been cheated out of a lot in life and you have chosen to stay with it. I have known many women like you and now my husband has done the same. Yet he also keeps up the house…but spends his spare time in his man cave and has few friends. I have chosen to engage with the outside world and it looks like you have also. That is what keeps us going. You are living in the moment and that is the best you can do. One day he will die and you will feel sorrow for him and yet a great relief for yourself. Most women end up being widows and somehow they all cope. All you can do is be kind in the meantime because chances are you will outlive him. If you can’t leave him or don’t want to leave him then your only option for well being is to be gentle and kind to him. If he is abusing you that’s a different story. But sounds like his abuse is simply neglect and you seem to be able to cope with that. Perhaps rather than cope, thrive on what you have and share it with him. Remember it’s not you. He is carrying shame for his inabilities and you can help him with kindness. However bad it is for you remember it is worse for him. Take care sweet Amy.

      • Kev says:

        Why ignore my comments? I’m more qualified than you’ll ever be for many reasons. I’ve been in that awful place of saying things I never meant. I’ve seen the pain it’s caused. I’ve also treated many in my capacity as a psychologist.

        You’ve been wounded so you are likely to want everyone to fit your notion to justify your own emotions. Me, I’ve accepted mans weaknesses and although never defended them I’ve explained then. Have you?

        Sto playing the victim, you don’t need to, you are one. Each case is, and will be unique to one another. Accept that the advice will be different to.

        I wish all who feel so low that they need to post their thoughts whether true or false on a website the best in life. The one common thing I see is you all jack the ability to talk to someone in the real world which is a great sadness.

        • Jb says:

          So because you’re abusive you’re more qualified than I? And your comments were mean. These women don’t need “mean” in their lives. They are already suffering from “mean.” I have a graduate degree in clinical psychology and have taught and facilitated a lot of sessions for couples and women. None of the women on this site are victims. Frankly, I don’t understand why you are on this site if you can’t control your own temper with your dear wife. I don’t see what value you bring here other than to reinforce the fact that a lot of men say hateful things to their wives when they don’t really mean them.

          • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

            Thank you both for your honesty! I appreciate your willingness to share your opinions, and challenge each other.

            Let’s just leave it where it is, okay? Allowing women to share their experience with feeling hated by their husbands is the focus of this thread, and it’s not our job to wonder why people are commenting. That’s their business.

            Let the things you don’t agree with pass by you; don’t hold on to the opinions that upset or frustrate you. Shake it off. Hold on to what you know is good, true, and right.

            In peace,

  5. Louise says:

    My heart is breaking I have been with my husband 13years and have always known his had a problem controlling his actions he did realise he had a problem and sought help and medication
    He has done some terrible things but also becoming a father he is fantastic to our boys but is like he now has pure hatred for me He has bad outbursts in front of our kids and I’ve been through so much with him I never backdown anymore
    We aren’t physical and he basically wants to sleep in kids room every night
    He went away this weekend and I was so excited to see him I got a kiss hello then he walked off nothing else to say I tryed to make an effort and go up to him an give him a cuddle and he just brushed me off I tell him all the time I deserve better but he just says well go then he tells me he hates me neally every day over nothing his up down and I feel like I’m wasting my life I want to leave but feel for my children he adores them and I’m just ignored and hated everyone else his so nice to but me the one person that’s stayed been through a lot with he hates hurts so bad

    • Kev says:

      You can’t stay with someone for the sake of children. It’s likely to have more of an impact on them than a divorce would.

      Square up to him and instead of never backing down, calmly challenge him to answer “do you really hate me? If you do then it is you who must leave…” Don’t be bullied into leaving, this might be just what he wants.

      I’ve said I hate my wife many times. Now I explain that I don’t hate her, I just hate things about her. My wife is angry with the world due to breast cancer and its this anger I hate not my wife.

      So start dictating how and why he says he hates you. Tell him what he tells you and see how he reacts to that. Men are arrogant a species. If you stand up too much this might be seen as s challenge.

      Play it the way I told my wife. Understand that hate is but a word, but it hurts. If he truly feels it then you owe it to yourself and children to consider parting, even on a trial basis.

      My gut feeling is he’s possibly mixed up with some emotional turmoil he’s not telling you about and he’s taking his guilt out in you because he can’t cope with whatever it is that is bothering him

      I hope all turns out well. Think of the future not the present.

      Kev x

  6. Laurie says:

    Dear Lorraine,

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience. You are strong and brave, and your compassion and gentleness shines through for all to see. I’m sad that you’re writing about your husband hating you – and even more sad that he says those things to you.

    You don’t deserve that.

    I wrote this blog post for you:

    May you find comfort and joy in your life, and peace in your home. Good stuff is waiting for you! But it’s up to you to reach out and take it. The happiest lives involve sacrifice…what do you have to sacrifice to be happy again?


  7. Lorraine says:

    My husband and I have only been together for 2 years, we have an eight month old infant. My husband still continues to have his normal routine but decreased maybe 20%. He told me the males life doesn’t change after the baby just the females. I still work part time and am still responsible for half of the bills and on top of that do 85% of home and family care. He is a great father to our son. However, he has told me numerous times that he hates me, he wished he didn’t marry me, That he is with me just because of the baby, that if he wasn’t married to me he wouldn’t even be my friend. When I tell him that it hurts me more than anything with his words, he storms out or screams at me calling me a F@$%ing liar that he never said it. I have put so much time in trying to recover our marriage reading up and understanding both points of view, sending him material that pertains to both of us. Questionaries to enhance our understanding (encouraging him to participate). But there hasn’t been any change other than him buying me flowers and cleaning, which isn’t whats needed. Behavioral changes and respecting me is whats needed. My husband has a very bad temper where he puts a fist up to me in action of striking but not. He took my phone and bent it and then aggressively slammed it on my leg which crushed me internally and left a big bruise then started punching the dashboard of our vehicle over 10 times and breaking it. When we finally had our 1st night alone together I was so excited that be can talk, he told me we were going to have a special night dinner and a movie, then right before said his friends invited us out and we are going with them. Every time we have family plans(the 3 of us) if he gets a call or text from a friend it trumps it and if I beg and tell him it was our day together he is rude and pouting the whole time. If he cant exercise daily and in the summer twice daily he has tantrum and is extremely rude to me till he can go. I always encourage my husband to speak to me in a nice tone like he does to everyone else but he wont, he either sounds irritated or bored. After I had the baby I denied it to the doctor about being depressed and when I felt at my lowest I thought I could talk to my husband about it and he response was “oh woe is me, the victim”. I feel broken, I am really lost and don’t want to get family and friends involved. I don’t know what to do, I am so mentally exhausted with trying, but I feel bad for our son.

  8. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Amber,

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through – it sounds like you’ve been through alot, and your husband isn’t supportive at all. In fact, he’s abusive on so many levels. He’s an alcoholic, and he has gone far beyond saying he hates you. He is mean and violent.

    May you find strength and courage to reach out for help. I know there are womens’ shelters who offer support to women who have nothing; my prayer is that you find the hope and faith you need to start looking for the resources that exist in your area. May you be filled with courage, self-love, and faith. May you trust that God loves you and is looking out for you — and may you realize that you don’t have to stay with a man who treats you with such hatred and venom.

    I pray that you find hope and courage. You’ve already displayed strength by sharing your story here; I pray that God gives you the strength you need to keep reaching out for help and assistance. There are people who would love to help you, people who themselves have been helped out of violent and abusive marriages. They want to help you be happy and healthy. May you want the same thing for yourself.

    Blessings and prayers,

  9. amber says:

    I’m 28& recently got hit by a truck on my bicycle. That put me out of work. My husband is a heavy drinker and a very mean drunk. He’s always right and I’m always wrong. Even when it’s proven I’m right I’m a b& every other name in the book.the accident made me depressed and he yells at me for not cooking and cleaning even though I can’t walk without a cane now& can’t use my right hand or arm. Before I was always very active and worked constantly since I was 13. He tells me he hates me everyday,that I’m lucky he hasn’t killed me. I get no support at all. Everyday he verbally abuses me.tonight he hit me in the face,kicked me down the stairs,pulled out some of my hair. Of course threatened to kill me. All over nothing!he tells everyone he doesn’t hit or abuse women and when I tell him he does he says”say that again& I’ll show you getting hit when I break your jaw”. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’m stuck not able to work. I have no one,no where to go,no money,no friends,& no one to talk to.I’m so broken
    I mean I’m 28& my life feels like it’s over. I shouldn’t have survived the accident& now I’m starting to wish I hadn’t. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel right? How the hell do I get there?

  10. Ger says:

    My husband doesn’t tell me he hates me, but I have told him this on 3 different times in 9 years out of frustration. He calls me names like, B****. C***, W****, M*****F*****, C**** S***** and Worthless Piece of S***. Whenever I don’t want to have sex, he tells me, “I guess I’ll just have to go elsewhere”. He is bipolar and will not take medicine. I try to be understanding and ignore some of the things he says to me and his Explosive Behavior, but my understanding is wearing thin. In my mind, I know I should leave but somehow, I just can’t get the strength to do it. I live on a very modest income from SS and don’t know how I would survive. Although since we have been married all he pays is rent and I must pay double what he pays to pay the other bills. I have to be inventive to come up with ways to earn enough money in addition to SS just to pay the bills. I have called Domestic Abuse Hotline but have not followed thru yet. I talk to my fiends for support, and they all encourage me to leave. Then when I get the nerve to call it quits, he comes around and tells me how much he loves me and the other side of bipolar comes out. I still have love for him and want us to work out but the stress of ups and downs is killing me.

  11. Kerry says:

    My husband and I have been married for nearly 25 years. He hates me. He doesn’t say these precise words, but he doesn’t talk to me for weeks and is pretty much always mad at me for something. Last time he shunned me for three weeks and them made a couple of very weird comments that led to the discussion that I was “disgraceful” (word he used four times that day) because I had been too friendly to my brother in law! My sister’s husband! I see him 4 times a year at the most, and I feel sorry for him because my sister is very difficult. My husband is aloof and I do find myself feeling as if I need to be more friendly to the brother in law to counteract my husband’s aloofness. But really – after 25 years – I am “disgraceful” for that? The brother in law came over for a dinner before our son left for college – with my mother and husband. It’s just weird.

    We are both attorneys and when our son left for college, I lost all interest in cooking and the various homemaker stuff. He is rarely home before 8 or 9 at night, so what’s the point. He is 10 years older and although we are both employed, he makes more money than I do- and I think figures I should, therefore, do more around the house. I do more – but not enough to satisfy him, I am sure. He was an uninvolved parent – our son telling him on numerous occasions “I want to know you,” though those pleas stopped in middle school. I don’t want everything to be defined by work. We are a sad couple, I’m afraid. I think liking each other is out of the question anymore. I don’t exactly know what to do, but I do despise drama and will likely just keep on keeping on…

  12. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thank you for being here. It takes alot of strength and courage to share your experience, and to say that your husband (or your wife, but this article is written for women) says he hates you. It’s painful to be hated by anyone, much less the man you married.

    May you find love and peace in your life. May your marriage be restored, your heart be comforted, and your home be healed. I pray that you find faith in God, and strength to turn to Him at the very worst of times. I pray your faith carries you through to the best of times, and that you never let Him go. For He will never let you go. He loves you, and wants you to have a life of joy, peace, and freedom! May you tap into His river of life and energy, and may you move forward with a new sense of hope and courage. He will help you through this, whether it’s out of your marriage or out of the pit of despair you and your husband are in.

  13. Kevin says:

    Why is it assumed that because a husband says he hates his wife that he’s controlling and abusive? What if he’s hurt? What if she’s the controlling and abusive one and he’s crying out to her that his feelings are being destroyed. What if he’s tried and tried to be the man she wants him to be and it’s not good enough. At some point the man reaches the breaking point where he’s done being verbally and mentally abused, and this is when he expresses his distaste.

    I found this post because I am married to a woman who battles me over everything. I can’t make a single decision because my process is more intuitive and relies on my experiences rather than hers…and she can’t quantify those reasons. I tell her what I need from her to feel loved and she spits back at me what I’m not doing right. But since I’m the one wanting to say, “I hate you.” (I haven’t yet) I’m the abusive one?

    Yes there are some men out there who use this phrase as a means of control, for getting the woman to change who she is..but that isn’t always the case. Please open your minds before assumptions are made. Sometimes these words are used because he’s lost and frustrated.

    • Tonya says:

      There are always 3 sides to every story. My husband says he hates me. I love him with all my heart but I feel totally hurt. Sometimes a controlling spouse cant see theirselves as being controlling when in fact they are. Telling someone to stay in their low self esteem state instead of trying to make themselves better or feel better about themselves is very unhealthy. In this circumstance the man feels powerful if the women feels as though he is the only one who can make her feel better about herself. He has total control. But if the womens self esteem starts to go up the man does not feel in control anymore and starts to feel insecure about his self and less powerful. Then problems with jealousy comes in then name calling and accusations. Then before you know it the husband hates the wife because he is no longer in control. This is where I am at and I don’t want to go back to that dark place of having low self esteem that took me 30 years to overcome. My husband also says I don’t measure up to being his wife, he says I don’t satisfy him as a wife.
      I try to do everything possible to make him happy but it feels hopeless and never good enough. I am tired of trying now after 8 exhausting years of trying to be “the perfect wife”. And now that he told me he hates me I just don’t know if I want to try anymore. I feel he broke the most important wedding vowel which was to promise to Love!

  14. laura says:

    Im so lost and confused my husband is so mean and hateful to me and our children he tells us every day all day he hates us he has argued with my family so. Much i cant even see them i think today is my breaking point i try so hard to let it all go the mean things he say all the hurt and pain been married 8 year but when i kick him out i always cave and let him back in my kids love him so much even though he so mean i just dont know what to do

    • Kevin says:

      If your husband is controlling and causing you such distress that you have to seek solace in forums then tell him so. If he fails to recognise your cry for help then perhaps you need to leave him. Serve his right. Men are victims of this kind of thing as well but most don’t have the courage to admit it because it makes them feel weak. The moral to that comment is you are not alone and there will always be someone who cares. I hope all goes well for you.

  15. laura says:

    Im so lost and confused my husband is so mean and hateful to me and our children he tells us every day all day he hates us he has argued with my family so i cant even see them i think today is my breaking point i try so hard to let it all the mean things he say all the hurt and pain been married 8 year but when i kick him i always cave and let him back in my kids love him so much even though he so mean i just dont know what to do

  16. Kev says:

    Haven’t you ever thought men have feelings and we might be the abused? I have said several times I hate my wife but most certainly don’t.

    Husbands say they hate their wives out of anger, frustration, helplessness, and often in desperation because they tried every way to tell your wife that something’s wrong.

    I adore my wife, I don’t hate her as a person, a woman. What do I hate? The inability to understand that husbands can and do feel pain. Emotional pain not physical. Your writing is completely genesis tic and wrong. Stop, think and more importantly remember that every relationship is an individual entity with differing variables. My variable for example is no matter how many times I tell my wife I love her and will never leave her she refuses to believe it. My word hate is born out of this, nothing else.

    • T says:

      You are only confirming what she believes to be true by saying you hate her. My husband just told me he hated me and turned around and went to sleep. He has to be up early to leave for a work weekend function. Im still awake in tears knowing that my husband hates me and will be gone for 3 days. Im trying to make sense of things but i cant. Choose your words wisely if you truly love your wife. The wrong words cut deep and are usually never forgotten.

      • Jb says:

        This is so well said and so logical. My husband tells me he hates me and wants out of the marriage all the time…over petty little things. And now I feel unloved of course and tell him I would love to be loved. He then gets frustrated and tells me that I will never believe that he loves me so why try? Circular logic to me. We women are so resilient. We put up with so much anger and rage in our homes. Many of us escape it to find solace and sanctuary. Others just keep putting up with it. My advice to every woman is to get an education and a great career. Never quit your job and only have children if and when you feel confident that you can one day be a single mom and provide them what they need. Be strong. Know you can make it alone. It’s rare to find a man who has the empathy and understanding that a woman has.

    • Jb says:

      Just stop saying you hate your wife.

      • Kev says:

        Saying I hate my wife is infrequent and a coping mechanism. People like you clearly don’t see the grey areas in life. There is no black and white as your answer suggests.

        • jb says:

          I understand. And my husband says it to me too over the littlest things. And he yells it. It breaks my heart and is shortening my life. So I identify with your wife. It’s just not helpful if you ever want to repair your marriage. Not a bad beginning step to find an alternative coping mechanism really.

          • Kev says:

            Words won’t shorten your life. Your inability to understand it is just that may though. I adore my wife, she knows the word gate is as meaningless as it really is. If I hated her in truth I would neither want to be with her or deserve to be.

            Take strength in the saying sticks and stones. If your husband really does mean it when he says he hates you then ask him to leave it you will.

            I hope all goes well for you.

          • Jb says:

            Thanks Kev. Appreciate your caring words.

  17. bluelove says:

    I am so tired. Things were so good, for 5weeks….he was laid off. I was happier when he was laid off, than I have been in 19 yrs. He was like a different man. He called me “sweetheart”, only time in 19 yrs. He said he was sorry for being so cold and indifferent to me for so long. He said things would be ok, he would get another job. I knew God would take care of us; but I was in heaven for 5 weeks! He held my hand. We prayed together. Then, he got another job, and things went right back to where they were. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I say is right. He belittles me , and embarrases me , in front of our kids, and others. He takes up for people, but never for me. Nothing I do in the house is right. He constantly criticizes me. I am too old for this. He works offshore, and I worked full-time while the kids were in school. I havent worked fulltime in about 7-8 yrs. the kids are grown. I can not physically take it anymore. No matter what I say, he turns it around, and tries to make me think that I am crazy. Oh God, please help me. My health is not good. I am on disability. Why should I leave the house? It is mine, as much as his. I asked him to please never say “divorce” again. He brings it up every so often, but wont do anything about it. I guess my next step is to talk to a lawyer. I just dont understand how someone can go from being so sweet, and understanding, to like he is, now. Back to the way we were, when he lost his job….I am too old for this. This is my 3rd. marriage. What should I do?

  18. Lynne says:

    Where to begin? I will start with myself… Many years ago, I committed adultery on my husband. I desperately wanted relief from his hateful ways, and went on a conquest to seek a different life, a different man. My husband was deployed overseas at that time, and had no idea about my “secret relationship” with another man. He called me daily cursing, yelling, being disrespectful, saying he hates me, and emotional annoyed that I would hang up the phone on him or not take his calls at all. This has been constancy in our marriage since before we ever decided to tie the not. I did not want this life anymore… Being called stupid, ugly, the “b” word everyday, even up until this day. (not exaggerating) It was so disgraceful.

    Then one day, out of the blue, I got a third party invite to a Christian Church. With much thought, I began to ponder whether I shld go or not… I went. My first time at this small church was the first time I felt God dealing with me in a long time. I had been to many churches over the years, and even called myself a Christian, but was far from it living a life of corruption and ungodliness, and would pray to God. When the time came after opening the ceremony with song and dance, the preacher began to preach, to my amazement and shame he preached directly against the sin I was living in, and then I got scared. I knew it was time to make the decision to go to that altar and pray, to repent of all of the wickedness I was living. I did not go to the altar on my own. There was a Christian there who never knew me, but detected my hurting and anguish, she told me she felt like “God led her to me, and that it appeared as if I had something heavy on my heart that I needed to relinquish to God”. I knew that she was a real Christian. I knew I couldn’t lie to her, though I was tempted to. Right there is where God arrested my heart, and encumbered with much conviction I relieved my soul, I prayed for salvation (true deliverance) and God saved me!!!! After a work of salvation, I began to change… Rapidly! What do u think the first thing was that had to go? That’s right! I kicked my secret lover to the curb…

    The best advice I can give when your husband says he hates you is…. DON’T GIVE UP! It’s not in our time… It’s God’s time! Some godly advice from the Bible: “And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband:else were your children unclean; but now they are holy. But if the unbelieving depart. Let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: But God hath called us to peace.” 1Corinthians 7:13-15

    I don’t know whether or not my husband will get saved, but I am going to keep fighting, praying, repenting, and above all loving… Loving who? God first, and my neighbor (husband) as I love myself. God’s will be done! I hope that by my testimony you will find strength, courage, and love to go forward in allowing God to heal your marriage. Remember, you are not alone in your conquest to find peace and restoration. God knows everything that you are going through. Find a good church that preaches good doctrine from the Word of God. Don’t be afraid to walk on the water…. The challenge to long-suffer, love despite how we feel, and the strength to continue in hope- not everyone will want to do… But, I am confident that great is the reward to them who try! God bless you all!

    “God is faithful to remember our work and labor of love”

    With love,

  19. Dee says:

    Is a stunning home, four children who love thier father enough to stay and suffer hate? I love my house that I partly built and designed myself more than my peace of mind. Is it enough, my weekend and holidays are hellish but most of the time during the actual working week he is away to work. I don’t see him in the morning and little in the evening. So its just when he is off and weekends he is abusive. The root of the problem is his background, his dad is an alcoholic and he is an ex drinker who blames me for not drinking, I am sure he does drink after work and socialise. his mother has been disrespectful to me and is the root of a bigger problem with him. He is very attached and arrested in his love to her. Its a concious decision that he does and would not love me because she would not allow it. I have stopped trying to get him to love me and stopped checking up on him, as he has always had other interests with other women. I don’t think any less of myself, I know who I am, and I had a high flying job in the past – in a nut shell I have worked so hard for what I have, even my inheritance is in my house asset, for me if I leave this house I’d have to give him half of it, but I can not physically leave this place its my home, my beautiful home for my children. I have prayed and will continue to do so. I have told the priest and cried to him, so I pray there are people praying for me, there are people who don’t know me but feel my pain. I pray for strength because I know my husband wish is that I die so he can have everything that I have and give it to another woman. A drinker like him. But what really worries me is my children, he tries to set them against me and I keep bringing them back. I worry for them, because he wants them to leave home as soon as and does not worry or save for their education like I do, so does my mum. God remove the evil and hate from his heart, lord, remove and release him and me from what ever is pulling him back to hate, constantly, father have mercy on me and my children and my family and deliver me. Mother Mary save me like you saved me in the past, please mother Mary don’t leave me, stay with me in my dark hour, mother Mary please, look out for me and my children. Remember me. amen

    • Jb says:

      Dee. There is a strong chance that you will outlive your husband. Just keep doing what you are doing and focus and invest in your own well being. The children will sense your emotional wellness and that will give them security regardless of what your husband is saying. His hate is all about him, not you. My husband and I went to counselling and the psychologist recognized right away the anger in my husband. She sensed my need and anxiety to help him. She told me I didn’t need to return and that he needed one on one with his anger. So that is what he is doing. There is a little change but I know it will take years. But she gave me permission to continue to be who I am. I know I’m on the right path. It’s the same with you. So do this. Don’t die. Keep living. Live well and free. Keep your beautiful home. It’s yours. Don’t give up on it or your kids. Your best days are ahead of you. Continue to take care of yourself. Let your husband be. He has signed his own contract for a sad and angry life and it has nothing to do with you. Live each moment. Don’t worry about the past or the future, only this moment.

  20. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    My prayer is that you find hope, healing, and love in your marriage. Sometimes God does work a miracle, and cause major changes to happen between a husband and wife overnight. He can stop your husband from hating you, and you from feeling like you hate your husband.

    I pray for wisdom. Sometimes we need to make changes in our lives, because God doesn’t wave His magic wand and make life the way we want. If your husband says he hates you, you need to discern what to do. Do you leave your marriage, or hope your marriage will change? Only you can decide that, and only God knows if you and your husband can reconnect and love each other again.

    I pray for healing, and for peace in your marriage. I pray for the erasure of all feelings of discontent and hatred between husbands and wives – who are supposed to be on each other’s team. I pray for love and connection to permeate your home. Amen.


  21. mel says:

    I myself have been abused for the last 15 years my husband who is ten years older than me has put me through hell he is now on drugs and things are worst when he was sober he was a good dad and husband he tells me he hates me he belittle me makes me feel like everything I do is wrong I’ve been paying all the bills by myself for the last two years I’ve always worked I keep thinking he will change he says he hates me all the time I ask God why what did I do to deserve this I pray for him stop using drugs it breaks my heart I just want a normal life

  22. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience with hatred and husbands. The idea of bullying in marriage is new to me, and I think it’s another way of expressing the idea of “my husband hates me.”

    Bullies push people around because they’re insecure and weak, don’t they? One way to think about husbands and wives hating each other is to consider the role of insecurities, unhappiness, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence. There is a problem that fuels the mistreatment and abuse of a husband or wife in marriage. This doesn’t excuse the behavior – it is never ok for a husband to say he hates his wife! It just helps explain it, which might help us understand the marriage better.

    My prayer for all couples experiencing hatred in marriage is for peace. May you find love, joy, and serenity in your relationship. May the feelings of hating and being hated pass. May husbands and wives connect on a spiritual and emotional level, and learn how to cope with negative feelings in healthy ways. I pray for God’s love, strength, and spirit to rest on the marriages of all the readers here. Amen.


  23. Anonym says:

    As far as my 13 years marriage, with 3 kids. My husband is a very hot temper man, he hate this world and been called all kind of names. But I always forgive him though years and years. But this year, this time all this hatred he had for me seems to get so real and obvious. He got involved in a relationship with an 18 year old girl. They’ve even done it on the new year day this year. I never thought he’d cheat on me, all the while i was looking up on him thinking he’s a man but it prove him wrong this time. Soon after i found out about him and that girl, they stop seeing each other. I got hurt really bad inside. But they kept on texting each other. He told me he had nothing with her no more. I can not believe in any of them anymore. Then it seems they’ve split for good (for now, been happening couple of times already but that girl keeps coming back). Then yesterday, i did a small little mistake. We both running a cafe. He’s the type that just serve the way he likes (lack of experience and never work in a professional environment) as for me i still have that sense of hospitality in me (been working long in this industry, 5* hotels etc before i got married to him). So i did a small little thing that trigger his anger! He suddenly smashed, yelled on me with lots of hatred poured on me, saying he hated the way i served the customers and he hate working with me. He even warned me not to work with him anymore. I ask, why do you have to shout? You can just tell me not too and i will follow what you say. He even get more annoyed at me when i answered him. Thats when i realised, he does hate me and that simple little thing that i did makes me sad. I am never so sad so sad as last night. I thought we can rekindled the relationship and make it better but it seems he hated me so much that he couldn’t talk to me any nicer anymore. I feel like leaving him and take all my kids away from him. I just felt so down lately since new year. I sometime wonder why God has given me this life. I am getting older and weaker. I sometime surrender my pride just to live. I am afraid to live on my own and loneliness scares me. Sometime i thought, i am lonely all this while. Never had my birthday celebrated, nor mothers day nor any candle light dinner. I realise, all his words are just lies. Just to comfort me and carry on bullying me as he knows that i am kind. I am really tired.

  24. Karen says:

    My husband and I met after he had back surgery. He was so sweet and loving. We took it slow and then he couldn’t find a job or keep one with his back problems so he moved in. I supported him as best I could which means we were poor for 3 years until he got his disability. Then we got married. 2 weeks after our marriage he got angry and has been angry ever since. He never touches me or tells me I am pretty. Tonight his tooth hurt and he said it was my fault for not having a job that he is in pain even though when we’ve had money he wouldn’t go back to the dentist and said we didn’t have enough money. He always says we never have enough and screams at me and tells me he hates me now. Then he tells me I don’t get to talk cause its all my fault for not having a job yet. I was so scared tonight. I left an abusive marriage after 16 years and the only difference with this one is he hasn’t hit me. I guess I know I need to leave and then he says he’s having some crisis and in I am again. I have no where to go or I would have left tonight. I got in the car and drove around the corner out of sight and sat there for about a half an hour because I was afraid. Even though he hasn’t hit me I was very afraid. I feel like a zombie tonight. Been crying and I can see this is getting us nowhere except my PTSD is probably acting up and getting worse. It’s not worth this. I feel like a fool being married the 2nd time and this time only 6 months now. It was 2 weeks of heaven and now 6 months of being yelled at and told its my fault for not having work. I am partially disabled too and he doesn’t care how hard it is for me to keep a routine or schedule. Like tonight I’ll probably never be able to go to sleep. I don’t want to go to bed and lie next to him for fear he will wake up and scream at me for waking him up. Why is he like this? Why so nice for 2 weeks and now so mean for 6 months? I feel like he loves money more than me. Yet he won’t spend any on himself except for cigarettes then blames me for not spending any on himself. I feel like he thinks I am the s**t on the bottom of his shoe.

    • Terri says:

      “Hate” is an awfully ugly word. And truly… any person that uses it is to be pitied. Why would a person want to fill their heart with hate anyway? They are hurting themselves more than anyone else — even though I’m sure your heart aches every time he expresses his hatred for “you”. Your husband is in a very bad place — and it’s definitely not you that put him there. He has allowed himself to become consumed with negativity in his life… possibly even began with his back surgery because he can no longer function as he once could. But, his frustrations should not become your frustrations. It is time for you to take your life back. There is a way. There is always a way. It just may not be as easy as it sounds… but, you can do it. Start making plans to get yourself financially in a place where you can breath again. Find a job! Any job right now. Some money is better than no money. Start a savings account in your name only. Take back your life and empower yourself with telling yourself you “deserve better”! No person ever deserves to be treated with such disrespect and told they are hated. If he is not willing to get help in changing his controlling behaviors, then it is time for you to start packing…. and tell yourself “YOU can do this!”

  25. Laurie says:

    Dear Anoumous,

    I wish you all the best as you look for a job, so you can be free! It’s awful, to live with a husband who says he hates you. May you find a good job quickly, and find freedom from the oppressive chains of your marriage.


  26. Anoumous says:

    I’ve been with my husband for 34 years and had been telling me he hates me and wants me out same as above. Called all kind of names. I do hate him now. It’s hard to get out but I told him when I get a job I will be out. Then I will contact a lawyer and take have of all. I deserve it for the way he treats me. At first I said take it all but why should I let him have all. Let him pay for the way he treats me

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