You found the strength to say “my husband said he hates me.” Now, you must find courage to decide what to do with an angry, controlling husband. Women often tell me that their husbands hate them, or they hate their husbands. Here’s what to do if your husband calls you names and treats you like dirt.
In Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft describes nine abusive personality types and how to tell if a hateful husband can change, is changing, or ever will. She discusses what can be fixed when a husband hates his wife, and what can’t. She also describes how to leave a relationship safely.
I don’t know if you need to leave your marriage, or if you and your husband can find the root of the hatred and start to heal it. Either way, learning why your husband is so angry and hostile will help you figure out what step to take next.
I always feel so helpless and sad when I read comments from wives trapped in hostile marriages, because I don’t know how to help. I was writing to a woman today – her husband tells her every day how much he hates her – and realized that one of the best ways to help is to share how other women coped with husbands who hated them.
Here’s what one of those women – a woman who left a husband who hated her – says: “You have only one life to live,” says Sherry. “Don’t look back one day when you’re old and gray and full of regret. My heart hurts for you because I know how hard it is when your husband says he hates you, but believe me you can feel joy and happiness in your heart again.”
Do you want to spend the only life you have hating your husband and him hating you? Do you want that to be what your children remember from their childhood?
When Your Husband Says He Hates You
Here’s the rest of Sherry’s comment: “Your kids cannot be happy if you’re not happy. Plain and simple – you should leave for your kids’ sake. It won’t be easy at first but I can assure you that with a lot of love and patience, you and your kids will be ok. I separated from my kids father 13 years ago and my son asked me why his dad was leaving, and not me! I was broken, but today I’m my son’s queen – he loves me and shows it every day! I am a happy woman. My daughter says she would have loved to grow up with her dad, but understands that we could have never been happy together…”
Even if you don’t have kids, you can’t stay married if your husband hates you! It’s not easy to leave, but you deserve a better life. You owe it to yourself – and your kids – to leave a man who says he hates you.
How Does Your Husband Show His Anger and Hatred?
Here’s what Dee says: “I am 23, and have been married to my husband since I was 15. I started dating him at age 14. Since age 14, I have been physically, verbally and emotionally abused. I have three children with him ages 8, 7, and 6. He is physically and verbally abusive to them also. He has never been any support for me as I am the only person in the home that works: I pay all of the bills, and come home daily to be verbally abused. I am often called b**ch, wh**e, s**t, and any other name you can think of: I am constantly accused of seeing other men. My husband is a monster and the worst person in the world. Please help me, with any advice to get out of this life with him!!!!”
It breaks my heart to hear a woman in so much pain, stuck with a man who is also in a great deal of pain. He’s spreading his pain, anger, and hatred to the rest of his family. He is ruining his children’s childhoods by hating and abusing them and their mother.
Need Relationship Help? How to Save Your Marriage
Call a Women’s Support Line
I searched for “domestic violence helpline”, and got hundreds of results for my area alone. If you want to get away from a husband who hates you, you need to be proactive and reach out for help.
Calling for help is really hard – my friend’s husband just left her and the kids, and she hasn’t called a divorce lawyer. He told her six months ago that he wanted a divorce, and she could not bring herself to call for help, even though she knew it was the right thing to do. I describe her situation in When Your Husband Wants a Divorce – But Won’t Leave.
I can’t give personal advice or counseling to women whose husbands hate them – or wives who hate their husbands. I can only encourage them to get help in person, not just online.
Start Opening Up to People – Tell Them Your Husband Hates You
If my coworker, neighbor, or family member told me that her husband said he hates her, I’d do everything I could to help her get out of the marriage! If you need help leaving your husband, you need to get in-person support. It’s a good to find online support when you think your husband hates you – or you hate him.
But you need help in person, especially if you’re married to an abusive man
You need help organizing your children, finances, and a place to live. You need to talk this through with someone — preferably a counselor or social worker who is experienced and can give you good guidance.
One way to start getting in-person help is by talking to your friends, family, and coworkers. I know it can be really difficult to open up to people, but it’s the first step in leaving your husband. Or, at least it’ll help you gain clarity and insight! You may be surprised at how many women have been in the same situation you’re in today, and how helpful they can be.
Remember that your kids are listening and learning from you and your husband. Do you want them to be in a marriage like this? Show them how strong, courageous, and independent a woman can be.
Keep writing about the steps you’re taking to break free from a husband who hates and controls you. Keep talking to your friends or family members about how he treats you and that you’re thinking of leaving! Those little steps add up to a big journey that will change your life.
Do you know what to do when your husband says he hates you? I welcome your comments and stories below, but I can’t offer counseling or advice. Please, call a domestic violence helpline if your husband is abusive.