How do you stop obsessing about your ex? (image by Giovana Medeiros, flickr)
You’ll never move on if you keep obsessing about your ex! Here are several ways to stop thinking about your ex and the breakup.
Here’s what one guy says about his ex-girlfriend:
“I still seem to be obsessing about my ex. She crowds into my thoughts a dozen times a day. I’m trying my best to forget about her, but, despite what I’ve read and the advice I’ve gotten, I CAN’T GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD! I feel like I’m going through my days as half a person, with nothing ahead of me but regrets about what might have been….how do I stop my thoughts?” ~ from my article about letting go of someone you love.
Obsessive thoughts about your ex can be a normal part of breaking up. But, if those thoughts are overpowering or overwhelming, then you need to find a way to overcome them. Here are six ways to stop thinking about your ex all the time.
To learn more about overcoming an obsession, read Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go. Here’s what one readers says about the book: “Susan Forward explains the difference between love — and obsession is very different than love! The book is written in a nonjudgmental way, and her compassion comes through on every page. This allows readers to take the first painful step: admitting that we’re obsessing about the breakup.”
Overcoming the urge to obsess about your ex is difficult – but not impossible!
6 Ways to Stop Thinking About Your Ex All the Time
Different people will find different ways of overcoming obsessive thoughts effective…and the only way to learn what works for you is to try something you think might work. If a couple of weeks go by and you’re still obsessing, then try another technique. Eventually, you’ll find what works!
Use the dog-and-vomit analogy (it’s gross, but it works!)
It sounds gross, but hang in with me here! I recently read There Is a Season by Patrick Lane, about his journey through addiction and recovery. He said thinking about sad things in the past is like a dog returning to his own vomit. I love this analogy, and use it when I start berating myself for something I regret doing.
Instead of raking myself over the coals, I tell myself that I’m not a dog and I refuse to go back to my own vomit…and I then think “Eeewwww…” and I move on! This is a very practical, effective way to stop obsessive thoughts about an ex.
Use the rubber band technique
In psychology, a popular technique for overcoming obsessive thinking is to wear a rubber band around your wrist. When those obessessive thoughts come up, snap the band and replace your obsessive thought of your ex with a different thought (which you planned in advance).
Your replacement thought should be something that makes you feel good, and can range from “Which three pairs of shorts should I take on my Mexican vacation?” to “Wow, I did an awesome job on that work project! I really nailed it.”
Incorporate two new activities into your life
Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Brother. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons. Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting.
If new activities seem overwhelming, read Starting Over After Your Relationship Ends.
Schedule a time to obsess, and a time to get on with your life
If you can’t bear the thought of not thinking about the relationship breakup, then set a specific time to let your obsessive thoughts about your ex run wild. I’d suggest 15 minutes at the beginning or end of the day – and maybe a 15 minute stint at lunch, too (if you’re really dedicated). When the obsession intrudes at the wrong time (in the middle of a work meeting, for instance), then remind yourself that you get to obsess all you want in your “obsession time.”
During your obsession time, you must sit and do nothing but think, wail, cry, and obsess about your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. After a few days of this, you’ll find it boring to sit and do nothing but think about your ex.
Stop trying to overcome your obsession with your ex
Have you heard the “elephant in the corner” analogy? When you attempt to force yourself not to think about the elephant in the corner (or ice cream if you’re on a diet), then of course that’s all you can think about. Instead of focusing on the fact that you’re obsessed with love, just flow with your thoughts. Don’t try to stop them. Instead, accept the thought – and then replace it with one of the ways I’ve suggested above.
It takes determination and self-control to control the direction your thoughts take. But, ultimately, you do have control. You just need to find the willpower – and the right technique – for overcoming obsessive love.
If you know in your heart it's time to move on, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.
Are you obsessive about your ex-cessive? Read 5 Reasons It’s So Hard to Get Over a Breakup.
Dear Ian,
Thank you for being here – it sounds like your ex was a complicated woman who has been through alot. That may be why you love her so much, and why it’s difficult to let her go. Sometimes we love the “underdogs” – the vulnerable and tragic – more than our hearts can bear.
I believe you WILL find true love. You will connect with a healthy, happy, strong woman who can give you the love both you and she deserve.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi all!
Thought I would share my experience with everyone. My ex broke up with me a week ago today. So far, she has pretty much been all that I have thought about. I don’t know why, but I loved her. The reason I say I don’t know why, is because the relationship was far from perfect.
This is our third break up, everytime it has been her that has ended things. There was no trust, she cheated on me early on in the initial relationship and I’m sure there’s been others too. I was fresh out of a 4 year relationship when we started dating, me being nearly 4 years older than her.
It was full of bad, we weren’t happy together, but love seemed to keep making us come back for more.
At one point during our second attempt together I discovered that she had met her ex when she was visiting “friends” in another city, despite telling me that he was the one pushing to meet her and she was apparently refusing.
She was almost always Hot and Cold, one minute she loved me more than the world itself and others she didn’t seem to have any time whatsoever for me.
When she was drinking, which as a 21 year old student is relatively often, she became this emotional/angry wreck that I (in all honesty) detested. She would shout at me, cry, tell me she hated me and so on. And then the next day, she would have no recollection of this.
I was constantly walking on egg shells.
Why did I stick around? I loved her.
She had a rough upbringing, her parents split, alcohol and depression being the main root of this. No stability in the family and she takes the brunt of it being the daughter that wants to make everyone else happy. Despite what I have said, she’s actually a really nice girl.
And that’s why I miss her. On top of that, I worry about her. She’s had moments in the past where she has tried to end her troubles.
I know I’m not her carer, or her lover anymore.
This time around I do feel more confident that one day I will find true love that is meant to be, or at least I really hope I do. This worries me an awful lot. I want to get over her, but it’s as if my subconsious says “NO! You will think about her all the time!”.
Dear Stacey,
Thank you for sharing here – I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you! If there was ever a time I wished I had a magic wand, ’tis now. I’d wave it, and free you from this obsession.
When was the last time you visited your doctor, and had a physical exam? I wonder if there is something physiological going on that is affecting your energy and mood. I know you said no amount of medication has helped, so maybe you’ve tried this route.
Another possibility is to uproot your life! Move to a new city, get a new job — change everything up. You’ll be forced to focus on different things, and maybe it’ll help you get on with what really matters in life (which is the present, not the past!! Don’t give him more than you already have).
It’s been 2 years and I haven’t been able to stop obsessing about my ex and what ‘could hav been’. I completely understand the stupidity in rehashing years-old scenarios and events I wish I could change or had acted differently in. It’s like I just can’t forgive myself for my behaviours, even though I know he was probably not a good match for me. I crave his ‘fun-ness’ more than anything and can’t find anything in my life that even compares to the ‘high’ I got from him. But, I also know there were really good reasons why I was not happy in the relationship. Now I see him on Facebook with his girlfriend of 2 years, all smiles and lovely couple-dom. He moved on long, long, long ago and I am still stuck in the past. I barely get through my days. I fake happiness around my friends because I feel they are tired of hearing me try to deal with past events. My life has been in a standstill since he left. I hate my life and no amount of therapy or medication is seeming to help. I want to get my life back but can’t seem to get let go and it’s killing me. I’m scared to date or ever love gain because this hurts so much. I hate that he has completely moved on. It just kills me because I completely thought he was who I was spending he rest if my life with. I know there are a lot of contradictions in what I’ve written here but it’s what I feel.
Damien,
Thank you for your comments! I don’t think we’d be bored with your story – and sometimes writing about what happened to you helps with healing and moving forward in your life. If you ever want to share your story, we’re here for you
I hope you find more happiness and positivity in your life as you move on with your life.
Blessings,
Laurie
Reading some of the comments on here is helping in knowing I’m not the only one out there who struggles to get over an ex. My story is too long and sad imo so wont bore. I’m left with feelings of sadness and regret for what could have been which I think I share with most of you. I hope you all find a way of replacing this with happiness and positivity for the future as I too fight to get my life back.
As one other poster said ‘if it was that good and it didn’t work, how good can it be when it does’!
All the best
You are right Laurie about your last sentence in your article “It takes determination and self-control to control the direction your thoughts take. But, ultimately, you do have control. You just need to find the willpower – and the right technique – for overcoming obsessive love.” People seem not to get it at first but love is a form of obsession. Actually, it is called an obsession after you break-up but while you are in the relationship it is called love. I am not surprised now that it takes a long time to get over a person because you do get obsessed with that person. It is an addiction. You come back to get that same feeling but you don’t and it is like chasing a high that will never be there again. In any case, if you are knowledgeable to the fact that you control your thoughts and behaviors, it will be easier to move on. It will not be over night but it will happen.
I personally realized deep inside of me that I can’t see myself growing old with this guy. That he was just going to hell for me. Although, he had a sweet side and all. He had habits that I couldn’t live with like hoarding and being cheap to name a few… I said I deserve better. I got rid of him, all the stuff that he gave me and all I was left was with his memory. And I kept myself so busy for a good two months that I hardly thought of him and when I did think of him, I only remembered the negative things he did to me. I never romanticize him because I realized that I would never get that “high” back again. Chasing it would only be destructive to me. It is history and time to move on. I love me more than that obsession. And I remembered that I had a life before him and I didn’t need him back then to be happy. I got my life back and thank God for that! I never want to be in a relationship where I am giving and giving just get so little back. And lastly, you control your thoughts and what you keep as a memory or not. So be kind to yourself and make the effort to let the past behind. Don’t be addicted to chasing the high and the dream making that person change… They are never going to change unless they want to. And there is no such thing as a soul mate but there is a compatible mate for you. So don’t waste your time and go out there and meet the one that will appreciate you the most.
Dear Rosanna,
Thank you for your wonderful tips and encouragement about overcoming a breakup! I love your ideas, and hope other readers are encouraged by your strength and courage.
It took me about a year to get over my ex… I found many different things that replaced him… One, Salsa and bachata dancing. It is the most sensual feeling in the world… I fell in love with it… I surf and i moved to a different city, i changed my number.. I deleted my facebook, I have good friends in my life, and i hang out with positive people. He really hurt me a lot but i canstrongly say i forgave him and i hope he is doing well. He will always be my first real love, but i have accepted that we are not good together, and I’m happier then ever. Try dancing it will change your life!
Dear svenvol,
What does your therapist tell you about how you handled your relationship and love for this woman? Are you getting tips on coping with the guilt, and forgiving yourself?
Tell me what advice you’re getting, and what insights you’re gaining from this experience.
Dear Ashland13,
You’ve been through a lot with your husband in the past 17 years, haven’t you?
I haven’t heard of “affair fog”, but I wrote this article for you:
How to Stop Feeling Hurt and Stuck in the Past
I encourage you to find ways to let your husband go. I don’t think he’ll change — he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong! Listen to your friends and family. You have the power and strength to stop obsessing and get on with your life — but you have to work at it. It’ll get easier in time.
I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hello, I (45) started almost 4 years ago a relationship with a co-worker (33)… due to legal issues initiaded by her ex (custody over their son), after 1 year she had to return permanently to her home-country on another continent… during 2 years we skyped and twice a year I visited her. Last year they could – surprisingly – come back for a year and we took of course the opportunity to look for a lawyer who could defend her… in vain… everything had to be decided in her home- country… I freaked out and last April I left her without any explanation after a discussion about – I don’t remember anymore… after a couple of weeks we were back together and the three of us spent an amazing time together until she had to leave in July… I “promised” her that I would eventually move to the other side of the world… and then last November – while visiting her – I realized that to continue our relationship I (!) finally had to make a decision; moving and leaving some “things” behind and starting all over again… I freaked out again… so what did I do; I broke off the relationship just like that, after a discussion about her son’s behaviour and left again (!) without any explanation… I continued my “stay” on the other side of town in a hotel and sent her one more mail apologizing… looking back I should have done it of course in a mature way and/or MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED MY HEART… I really love her!… now she tells me I always was insecure about our relationship and I have to look for a reason why I couldn’t and never will commit… she doesn’t want to see/hear me ever again and doesn’t need me anymore… a personal disorder or just a too complicated situation (long distance/looking after her son/starting from scratch?) which freaked me out? I’m seeing a therapist because I feel so guilty and can’t forgive myself I hurt them so much! Thx for a reply…
Thanks for your comments, Luke!
I hope everyone reads your advice and the quote you shared, because they are nuggets of gold.
Hi Marie,
I think you should give your boyfriend space. Give him a chance to miss you, to appreciate you. He can’t see how kind, smart, strong, and loving you are when you are right in front of him! You need to step back, and let him experience life without you.
Let him go. He’ll come back to you if it’s right for you two to be together.
I wrote this for you:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/should-you-stay-friends-with-your-ex/
I hope it helps…and that you can give your boyfriend time and space.
Blessings,
Laurie
HI Laurie,
Thank you, I am going to try the exercises that you prescribed above. I do some of them already, but my thoughts sort of spin away from me and he sneaks back in.
I was married for 17 years and met ex when I was 17 years old. He was the love of my life and though the last two years were rocky, I think it was him making it harder so he could leave for his affair. I have heard that people sometimes create fights so that they can feel more compelled to go and have that to remember instead of all the good?
He abandoned our daughter and I and I let him back in four times. The last time he pretended false reconcilliation and it set me back as if the last year had never occured. He’s been gone about a year all told and in the fall I was pretty detatched, though I did not know of all the cheating. Besides the virtual affair, there was a lot of online stuff I have been learning of.
Although I keep reminding myself of all the hurt he has caused us, I think I cannot let go of the person he was before the affair began. I can’t stop mourning the dreams he killed and we are going to have to lose the house we built, where my daughter grew up.
I got pregnant during false r and he says he wants to be part of both children’s lives, but what influence will he be? I have no wish to keep any of them apart and want them to have a father.
I never thought the rest of my life would be this way. People tell me I am better off without him and the hurt and control-what I thought was helping me was controlling me. He is extreme narcissist and passive agressive and there are signs of sex addition coming out, yet he claims his affair “honest”?
He started it by lying to the op and lying to me as well, so I am confused as to how he feels this is honest and going to work?
So my questions for you are many-do you think it is going to work long term and how can I stop the thoughts of him creeping back in my head?
I am not letting him back and am getting the locks changed. Yet I can’t stop thinking of all he has lost for the change he made in his life. He has a huge family and lost respect from many of them. It’s a small community and is getting around town, but OP lives two hours away and I think he will just bury himself under a rock there?
I am going on vacation next month to the South and have great hope that I can put my thoughts elsewhere. It is in a warm climate with my own relatives, one who is getting married and can help with that.
No matter how much I remember the hurt and still he hurts me, he stays in my head-or she does.
Thank you for any ideas. I do have a counselor and lawyer who are helpful but can’t go often because of money.
Lastly, what are your thoughts on the “affair fog” theories?
Hi Laurie,
I was living with my boyfriend for 5 months and things got very intense with him, but not in a good way. He was very controlling and at the same time I saw him looking at other girls a lot. Even flirting with cashiers, etc, but still telling me I was the love of his life. I’ve left him, but the thing is I’ve known him since high school, we had a 4 year on/off relationship and then we went our separate ways until 6 months ago when we got back together, and I moved in with him. I always thought he was the “one” and that should have been with him. I used to cry about him in the past. He wrote very romantic letters, stories, etc. He says beautiful things, but the reality of him was he was really only concerned about himself and was using me. So, why do I still feel so hurt, and wanting him to really love me the way I thought he did? I have spoken to him a little on the phone and he says he loves me still, wants me back, but it doesn’t feel real. Intellectually I understand he has a problem, is probably a narcisisst, but my heart and emotions wont seem to let go. Let go of the dream.
Thanks.
I hope this works for me. My ex and I had been together for 3 years before she broke things off a couple of weeks ago stating that I have hurt her way too much. We have had ups and downs in our relationship but never gone to this level. We got into a fight 3 weeks ago and then made up. The following day, a girl I have known longer than my ex, a good friend of mine ask me to dinner to catch up as we havent seen in a year or so. I used to have a crush on her but no anymore. Trying to be transparent, I called my ex and asked her if she didnt mind if I had dinner with the girl since my ex knew I had a crush on her before. Well, that is where the story ended. She flipped out, and was so mad even though I canceled the dinner. Then she asked for time and space. A week later she tells me she loves me so much, but she wants to try and love another person, wants to see other people, that there is better out there for her. Told me the bad in 3 years was way more than the good (this is after she told the world on valentine that the last 3 years were the best of her life). She said she doesnt want to be friends for at least 3 years. I love her so dearly, we had even started ring shopping. I told her I would set her free, but will not give up on her yet.. It has been hard to move on, harder to stop thinking about her.. does she even think about me? is she going through the same emotions I am going through? I wish I knew. There are a lot of things people suggest that I do to help me move on, but at the end of the day, the only thing that works is time… And damn it, time is taking its time
Hey….
Thanks for making this thread, it really helped me. Especially that rubber band trick. Small, simple but effective.
I had/have a hard time getting over my ex. The love of my life (and i dont say that lightly). So much hassle, with lyes, secrets and cheating to so many different degrees caused us to break apart.
Unfortunatly nothing helped ease the pain. Even though it probably should have been the easiest break up to deal with. It just wasnt.
I’ve seen a psychologist and a councellor to help me deal with this after having it nearly kill me for a second time. I know ive been diagnosed with co-dependency but this is ridiculous. Still going on loving someone who hurt me…. Sickens me.
Maybe she was my soul mate, maybe not. But my friends have taught me that there are more deserving people out there for me. Its just a case of finding them.
My advice to anyone else this run down is to just try and take the higher approach as my councellor sugested…. Move on, dont hate her/him. Maybe offer a hand. Let him or her know that you will always be around to “help” them if you do truly love them.
Accept what is and make time to improve yourself. You will find someone better.
- Wise quote from a friend “If it was that good with the wrong girl/boy…. Imagine how good it will be with the right one
”
Honestly its a truely sad story, that me and (M) ended. The love i had for her, and what i thought she had for me, truley could have been magnificent.
But remember. The reason things ended. Whatever they may be. And more importantly remember that you can be something special without that person.
All the best to you all. (hope this helped)
Hello!
My ex boyfriend and I had been together for around 3-4 years. Our relationship has always been very happy and strong – we often refer to each other as best friends alongside boyfriend/girlfriend. However, things got rough this year when my boyfriend went to Vet school, which required him to live about 4 hours away from where I currently go to college. If we had a car the distance would be easy, but both of us are on loans as it is. Whenever we saw each other it was wonderful, however the times apart were very difficult for my boyfriend. Once or twice a month he would break down and I would end up reminding him that our relationship was worth it.
Well, this month was the last straw. I had just been up to visit him and as usual we had a great weekend. However after I left we began to try and plan our next visit, and found out that our schedules were too conflicting for the next month! As a result, my ex broke up with me. However, he claimed that he still loved and cared for me, and still wants me in his life because he wants to have a future with me. Naturally, I responded that if I was that important to you, why on Earth would you have broken up with me!? Well, men are confusing.
We’re currently not talking because he wants to “give me space” – personally, I’m not sure what I want now. I’m tempted to continue having him in my life, especially since we had planned a future together, but I feel like I deserve someone who is willing to be with me through ALL of the hard times.
Opinion?
Dear Jonathan,
It sounds like your breakup has affected you deeply, and even broken your heart. It’s devastating when you lose someone you care about.
I think it’s important to remember that your relationship wasn’t perfect! She was lying to you from the very beginning, and you couldn’t trust her. Your relationship was a struggle from the start.
Do you think this means you weren’t meant to be together? I do. Do you think that your relationship would get more and more difficult if you had stayed together? I definitely do!
My advice to you is to keep reminding yourself that you weren’t meant to be with this girl. You and she weren’t good for each other, and you didn’t have a healthy relationship. Why are you obsessing over a relationship that wasn’t healthy or happy? Why do you want to be with someone you can’t trust?
I encourage you to talk ta a counselor, and get professional help to overcome this breakup. Sometimes we’re so wrapped up in our pain and heartache, we can’t see reality. Counselors are really good at helping us see our lives and choices objectively, and supporting us as we move forward into healthier stages of life.
What do you think?
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen please answer this I want some help.
Hey when me and my ex broke up it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. We only went out for a year. Now in the beginning of the relationship I caught her lying to me about who she was hanging out with and asked her not to hang out with her friends anymore. She had nothing but guy friends at the time. Anyways I caved in and let her hang out with whatever girlfriends she could get. I still didn’t trust her guy friends because they were the type that thinks its ok to tickle fight with girls.
Anyways time goes by and she wants to hang out with some guy friends. I told her we talked about this. I trusted her just not them. Before we even had a serious conversation about it she broke up with me. Months later I blew up on her Facebook and now she won’t even talk to me. I tried to apologize but now her mother doesn’t want her to talk to me. I feel like a jerk the way I treated her. Now she’s dating this pot head who happens to be a longtime friend of her family’s. I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. I even tried to commit suicide once. Please tell me what’s the best way to get her out of my head?
I like that thought, that the person you thought you loved can’t hurt you anymore….unless you let them. Obsessing over a breakup only harms you, and doesn’t do any good. I know it’s easy to say “stop obsessing”, and much harder in practice.
Have you heard of Byron Katie? She’s written some excellent books on questioning your thoughts and not letting your beliefs control you.
Look, if you broke up with him/her, it was for a very good reason. People don’t do things they don’t like to do and breaking up is not something people enjoy to do unless they are looking for drama. Anyway, give yourself a break and remember that there are more fish in the sea. You don’t need to obsess over a person who is probably happy and is on his/her way to the movies with someone else. Then you do the same too. Although it hurts at first, you will ultimately forget about it because at the end of the day you will realize what a very good decision it was not be with that person after all. They can no longer hurt you. So, don’t let them hurt you anymore with your obsessive thoughts. Enough is enough. They made happy at times in the past but most of the time they made you sad and you cried and fought a lot. Therefore, don’t perpetuate this lifestyle in your head anymore. They are gone and you are free to be happy and have your life back again. And Life does goes on. Quit hurting yourself over it. Love yourself instead.
Dear Emmitt,
Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you are really struggling, and I’m glad you found someone to relate to here. I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life!
To stop obsessing over your ex is really hard to do especially when they give you false hope. I really do understand your pain john… I really do. I did the same thing but in a different way.
Me and my ex has known each other since August of last year. We then got together on Christmas day which was amazing. I’ve had many girlfriends in the past which i really didn’t care about and nor did I obsess much over them but this one was different. We spent all day, every day talking to each other. Laughing about stupid stuff and we seemed to connect really well. But i had a problem similar to yours john. Because of my past of being abused, poverty, and no parents love back then. I turned into a cold heart child that heart is barely started to warm up. I had all this anger in me and i took it out on her. She told me that she couldn’t take it so she broke up with me on the Saturday after valentines day. She claimed that she loves me and still but she wants me to be happy and is telling herself that she will bear the lonesome of being single just for me to be happy. (By the way, this is a long distance relationship and i thought i should give it a chance) Well anyways, she broke up with me last weekend because her friend Kyle (which is a sociopath and try to claim me to be one when he broke us up.) told her to and convinced her. Kyle lied to us and told us not talk to each other and would help us get better by giving each other updates on each other but he didn’t. Then the following Monday, we talked to each other and told everything was the truth and we became friends and actually considered being together again when she comes down on her birthday (march 8th). It was going good, we were talking about taking the same classes at the college i was planning to go after i graduate high school. Then yesterday, she told me that it would be best if i didn’t go to her college and go to my what was my dream college before. I told her that the college she was at is my dream college. She told me it wasn’t healthy and guess what… Kyle spend the night yesterday!!! Now this morning, shes talking to me less and I’m getting really scared because we had something going on and shes my first love and I’m hers (her first boyfriend that she claim to love.) Has her feelings for me faded? I kept texting her this morning trying to avoid the topic because i want to make her smile but she doesn’t text me back and I’m worried that I’m losing her to Kyle and she has feelings for him even though she claimed that she doesn’t. I don’t want to leave her to the sociopath, shes gonna get hurt. As of yesterday, she claimed that I have a pattern when dealing with situation that she cant handle so that why she claims that we are not compatible but we were at the very beginning. She claims to still love me but Kyle keeps interfering and I don’t know what to do. I keep obsessing over her… I don’t need this now especially i left my house Sunday to get rid of the anger within myself for her.
Dear Claire,
It hurts so much when you find out your ex is seeing someone else! I know how awful it is. I am sorry you are going through this.
How long have you and he been apart? You lived together for over 6 years, and it takes a long time to get over a broken relationship. If you and he broke up a few months ago, then it is normal to be thinking about him a lot. But, if you think you are obsessing about him in an unhealthy way, then maybe you need to talk to a counselor.
Different people get over breakups in different ways. Me, I love to travel and get away from the environment I was with my ex in. Other people find it helpful to do other things, such as volunteering or quitting their jobs and going back to school.
How did you get over painful experiences in the past?
hi, i lived with my ex for 6/12 years, are relationship come to an end, as he said he still loved me but thinks we want different things out of life, he moved out and we remind friends and had regular face to face contact, I think deep down i was hoping he would come back, until last week he new girlfriend wrote on his facebook that they were going away together, i never even knew he was dating let alone in a serious relationship, this turned my world up side down again, i contacted him asking why he did not tell, me he said he did not want to hurt my feeling and has no control over what she puts on facebook, i know he is right and are relationship had flaws, but i cannot seem to move on and all i now do is cry, i am usually very controlled with my emotions, i feel like i am going crazy!!!
Dear John,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you sincerely regret mistreating your girlfriend, and wish you could do things differently.
Living with regret for the past is no good, unless your regret changes your present life. It’s unhealthy to beat yourself up for how you treated your girlfriend – or to obsess about her.
Have you written her a sincere letter of apology for the ways you mistreated her? Maybe that will help you forgive yourself. Sometimes asking for forgiveness is a way to be cleansed from the past, and move on with our lives.
What do you think of that?
Hi, this is the other side of the coin. I’m the bad guy here and I feel so guilty and depressed and I can’t forgive my self. I was in a 9 year old relationship no kids. My gf decided to leave me last month, because I mistreated her so much, and I didn’t show love or affection towards her for whatever reasons (my past, childhood, the way I was raised with no love and etc. all contributed to this failure). Now that she left me I feel like I loved her more than anyone, but without showing her affection and love she got tired of me and decided to find a new begining. This left me devastated because I never tried to change to save our relationship, now I been meditating and trying to find peace, but I feel so guilty and i feel like I won’t be able to forgive myself for what i did to her and the many times I made her cry. Every moment that I made her cry is coming back to me just killing me in pain and I feel miserable, she forgave me already, but I can’t forgive myself because it just hurts too much thinking all the damage I’ve done to her.. I’m affraid that I won’t be able to continue without her. Eventhough I have no chance of getting her back, all this made me realize I have to change… But I’m dying I can’t see a future anymore, and me thinking of her everyday is just making it worse,, I’m trully sorry for my mistakes…
Dear Jade xoxo,
I don’t know what the best way to get over your ex is — because it’s different for everyone!
Me, I had to obsess about my ex-boyfriends until I got tired of myself. It became boring to keep obsessing, so I moved on. For me, it was time that helped me heal and get on with my life.
In your past breakups, what helped you heal?
Hey, it’s me again. A few things i forgot to metion in my comment below. We met in our first year of high school, and from the start we were good friends. Everyone said we were cute together and he had always had a crush on me, but i never realised. I started liking him in that way a year later, and my friends got us together. He was so sweet and he told me everyhting. He told me about his dad. His dad had died a few years ago from Kidney failure, and i have kidney problems myself so i understood it myself, and i comforted him. We had a few small arguments, but he always was so apolegetic straight away, but he would always get sooo jelous if i spoke to other boys.I’m good friends with my other ex and in a french lesson that my boyfriend wasn’t in, my other ex had been chatting to me (all friendly-INNOCENT-We are just friends) but a boy in my class told him i had been flirting, and my boyfriend ignored me and avoided me for ages. He was a great boyf most of the time, and i can’t stop thinking about him. Everything reminds me of him. I need help! I’m so miserable!
:(:(
Hey. My ex broke up with me about a month ago, but he just told (well shouted across the room) at my friends that i was a moody cow and that he wasn’t seeing me anymore, and then my friends told me. We had been in an argument for about a week and i confronted him and asked if i had done anything wrong an hour before. I acted as if i didn’t care at all, but i cried myself to sleep every night and i hurt so much. After a month of pretending to my best friends i had a sort of break down and cried to them and told them how much i was hurting. They were really great. I scowered the web for ways to get over him, couldn’t find anything though. We go to school together and are in all the same classes. He keeps looking at me, and a week after we broke up, he told his friends that he thought i was cute. He keeps looking at me and smiling at me and he always seems to turn up where i happen to be. I thought he still loved me like i still love him, but the other day he asked out my best friend Shannon. She said no, but he asked her 3 times again. I have acted like i don’t care, but all the next day he kept looking at me and i need to get over him because he hurt me so much and i can’t love him forever.
I don’t think there is any one way to stop obsessing about your past love. Part of breaking up is being stuck with the memories – and learning from your past.
One of the best tips for getting on with your life is staying as busy and active as possible. Get involved in your work, school, groups, community, volunteering — do stuff that takes your mind off your ex. Pursue your passions and your goals. Build something from the ground up! Get so tired during the day that you have no energy to spend lying awake at night, thinking about your ex.
Spend your energy on worthwhile things. Obsessing about your ex isn’t worthwhile or valuable.
hi there so my ex and i
broke up3 months ago we were engaged we had been together for4&1/2 years i met him in high school and he was my first…. anyways it seems to me that no matter what i do or what anyone does it reminds me about him and every night i just hurt worse and i found out last night hes now dating my best friend i dont know how to stop thinking of all the great times we had together
Hi Laurie,
I just wanted to thank-you for this post. I’ve always had a problem with thinking obsessively about an ex-girlfriend, and have harboured some really unhealthy beliefs about this thinking behaviour. For example, I think that underlying this behaviour is a belief that constantly thinking about it will lead to some kind of ‘pay-off’. Whatever the reason, I know that I can’t stand it anymore, and my obsessive thinking is definitely preventing me from moving forward and living a full, fruitful life.
Again, thanks a lot for sharing your knowledge.
Cheers,
ZH
How do i get out of a realtionship that is effecting my health… I have looked thru many of way and I still find myself goin right back into it… I am beginning to hate myself and my life cause really it all revolves around him… When I try to talk to him about how I feel he states that its all good yeah for him cause he has his cake and is eating it too.. I hate myself for letting him do this to me but I blame myself its like he is a drug and I am very addicted… I want help thru what ever means but dont know where to start to get on the path of me being happy again..
I divorced my bipolar physically,mentally and emotionally abusive husband almost 10 years ago. I miss him terribly even though I am in another relationship. How sick am I????
Zoe, I want to thank you for your tip on looking up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I did look it up and it fits my ex to a “T”. I do think knowing about the disorder will help me to get over him emotionally finally! It puts things in a different perspective now! Thank you again for the suggestion – it was very helpful!
Hey all you people obsessing about your ex partners…. search the internet and read all you can about Narcissitic Personality Disorder…..chances are your ex has it!!! When you realise this you will find it easy to stop them from emotionally hurting you and move on with your life. All the best to everyone X
hi me and my ex broke up almost a month ago. me and hin were only together for 3 months.. but we had been friends for EIGHT years. it seems i was so in love with him. but now that we are not together i just cant stop thinking about him. when i see a picture of him my heart sinks and there come the waterworks and rushing thoughts of how maybe I was the problem or the possible lies he couldve been tellin me. and i cant stand that he is happy without me… idk how to make it all stop
When he and I started.. I was completely nonchalant. We met through mutual friends.. I was suppose to get fixed up with a different guy and he just happend to be there at the right place right time.. he had just gone through a break up a year before that.. and i wanted no part of it. But, it happened.. he was persistent and we had undeniable chemistry. I know it seems childish that I recall now but I would do things subconciously to sabotage it.. like, perversely reject and ignore him when he blatantly wanted me.. say things to make him jealous.. yes, childish. But, we’d overcome it.. We dated for over a year and he disappeared. I should be mature enough to keep it moving.. i should have enough self-respect to know that i deserve someone better.. someone who will not disappear without a word.. BUT, inevitably I’m stuck in obsession.
I’m very young but i know how it feels to be in love, I’m in love with my ex, he was the first guy i had sex with and the only one i can have sex with he have broken up many times, but this time it hurts the most, it feels like my heart has been taken out of my chest and just put it in the trash he cheated on me many times and i got raped by an old man and he called that cheating which i don’t understand, i just can’t stop thinking about him though i shouldn’t.I know im young and there are alot of fishes in the sea, but everyone have been in love at my age
So, if you don’t shut you don’t score
I like the dog vomit one. I’ve been involved with this guy for about 1/2 year. Shortly after he told me I love you, he said he was unsure if I was the “one” (by shortly, I mean a matter of days). This occurred after an argument, but I suspect these doubts would have crept in eventually. We’ve been seeing each other since then, but not knowing if we’re going to break up or work it out has caused me heartache and anxiety. I just want to get over it, break things off with him, and move on. Yet, each time I consider doing this, I panic, and can’t seem to do it. I hoping, on my own, I can use some of these techniques and just get over him. I know once I do, I’ll look back and wonder why I ever even bothered worrying about him. I love him, but I want a healthy relationship with a man 100% devoted to me, and I will NOT settle for anything less! It hurts to let go. I tried using the rubber band technique (a method I learned a long time ago), but then got to a point where I felt like I was punishing myself for my feelings, and didn’t want to do that to me. That dog vomit idea is great though! No punishing myself!!! Associate him with vomit! LOL! I’ve also been writing positive affirmations to myself on my bathroom mirror. Today’s affirmation: “It only matters what I think about me, and I love and care about me!”
I met the love of my life about a month after graduating high school twenty two years ago. We only dated for a month or so and then I went away to school. We saw each other a few times over the next few years primarily for sex. We had this hot chemistry and I never found that with anyone else. We pretty much drifted apart and I moved away to another state. We didn’t have any contact for about twelve years. About three years ago we found each other online. Caught up. Neither had been married, and the sparks were still flying. However, I had just moved in with my boyfriend. So we were in contact for a few months, and then he started dating someone, and we drifted apart again.
A year or so later, I was curious about whatever happened to him. I Googled him, and the first thing that came up was pictures of his wedding! I admit I was crushed. But figured she must be a special person to have gotten him. It hurt, but after seeing that, I filed him away in my memories and got on with my life. No problem.
Earlier this year, out of nowhere he emails me. Mind you he has only been married a year and a half. He tells me there is no interest in sex on her part and they fight about money a lot. He and I start emailing and the emails get quite explicit. I’m still living with the boyfriend, but no sex happening here either. I’m saving to move out right now. Anyway….so yes, this is wrong with my married ex, but I realize my feelings never left. Besides sex, something about him affected me in a way that nobody else ever did. We’re both 40 now. I’m far too old to be obsessing over an ex. But that’s what has happened. I think about him all day. It hurts terribly. He wanted to come down and see me. But now suddenly the contact has dropped off. Maybe he is getting along with the wife better? Also, he works several jobs and is extremely busy all the time. But why……why did he come back into my life and rip my heart out and then disappear again? Now I’m just feeling a lot of despair and depressed all the time. Life didn’t turn out at all as I had hoped, and I guess hearing from him and this connection to the past isn’t helping. I wish I could get some counseling to help me cope but I can’t afford it. I’m hoping that the more I go without any contact from him this will get easier. I hate allowing a man to have this kind of power over me, and the fact that I met him so young. Nobody else ever compared to him. I’ve had several relationships and all felt like I was just settling. Now here I am at 40 and what happens now? I just go on for the rest of my life hurting over this guy? I’m hoping once I move out and get back into my own place things will get better. I know one reason I’m so obsessive about the ex is that I’m so unhappy in my current situation. I keep telling myself he’s married and that’s always been a big NO in my book, having anything to do with a married man, and he is off limits now. It’s just a good thing that we have thousands of miles between us or else I’m sure things could easily turn into a mess.
Yeah, I split with abusive Scottish ex-girlfriend after 5 months of worsening behaviour – after initial ‘honeymoon phase’ the arguments got worse, I saw more of her anger and aggression as I couldn’t do anything right! After an ill-advised holiday at the seaside we only lasted three days, when she turned violent and punched me in the face. Needless to say, I walked away, but still can’t stop thinking about her two months later. She was no oil-painting, but hadsome kind of ‘power’ over me – I wanted her all the time, but you only want what you can’t get, and she was full of ‘nothing’! Cheers.
I had been with a girl for nearly a year, she at some point said she felt somthing change i didnt. we still were together for about three weeks from then, we still were sexually active.she ends up telling me less then a month before a year, that she doesnt love me anymore (note she really did love me and i know that and she felt terrible about it all) she said she tried to see if it would come back and it didnt..(note her close friend nearly slaped her in the face when she told her she was going to break up with me) i dont blame her for what happened and she did it the right way. but i cant get over her, after the break up i wasnt the best person i asked to many questions, she said if she liked me again she wouldnt date me(mihgt be to kill any false hope), iv lost her as afriend or next to, we nealy never talk, when she comes online or rings i feel extreamly sick, i worry that shell meet somone else, im worried thell be better then me, better in other ways. im just insecrure. i worry that somthing bad will happen to her, im worried shell do stuff with other people that i know she wouldnt do shes not that kind of person. iv got one term left at colledge with her with a class that shes in. she has gorn back to her old ways of hugging people all the time (somthing i cant deal with well even when we were together)and then when shes gorn i dont know what will happen, i already was going to do the worst case scanrio of a solution a while back, thats now completly of the table (i promised somone not to do it) i just most of the time im ocupied doing somthing, but mornings nights showers, i dont want to get out or get up. i think again. i only want to be with her. i wish i could get over her becuase i dont know if she gets a boyfriend how i will react. its bad enough as it is at the moment in how my mind wonders. my relationship with her was perfect, i couldnt have been happier with anyone else. for quiet a while after the break up i tried to have a day were we could talk face to face or just in the same room. i was going to just lay it all out say that im glad we had what we had etc. but she keept being busy and now after all i have done she doesnt want to yet, she doesnt hate me but shes a maybe on us being friends. iv always been a best friend with her and nothing less. half the time earlier i hoped shed like me again, other half id want to get over her. if she likes me after being with somone else i dont know if id say yes becuase id want to be with her, but how much has she changed and how has the other person effected her. i dont want to be less then somone else for her she deserves the best somthing i cant always be. she knew that i wanted to have kids and get married at somepoint in a year to 3 years. next time that was going to be us together when we were together i just learned a lot and was going to do better i was becoming more relxaed (note im the kind of guy who is emotinal is commited, i commit myslef completly to them, im older then i am in a sense, would do anything for her if she asked) at the end of the day i want her to love me again, i want to be how iwas before i want to come back to the life/world i was in when i was with her it was perfect. otherwise i just want to either never talk or see her again after formal happens or to just still be her friend and just be when she gets someone else. i just miss her as that to begin with all the rest is going. please let me know what you think.
Hi, I’m 35 years old and I need help. I had an emotional affair with a person at workplace. When I changed station and suffered from a health issue, the person very conveniently broke off with me. I was devastated and in rage called up his wife and spilled the beans of the affair. Now after all these months, he is back in touch and wants a placid colleague type relation. I on the other hand am still obsessed with him as the emotional vacuum has not been filled since he left. Totally confused. I know I should not trust this married man with kids but my emotions get the better of me. any advice how to stop myself.
It has been 3 months since my ed-fiance and I were completely and officially over, and 2 months since I found out he was cheating with two women in different counties. I have tried to go out on dates with other people, but even the thought of being out with someone who isn’t ‘him’, gives me anxiety. I have come across this site before, and didn’t post. I have googled everything about how to overcome something like this. However, let me clarify “this”: one week into being engaged, I purchased the flowers, the gown and his wedding band. After 8 months of engagement, I was still wearing a borrowed ring, and he was starting to drink heavily. When I asked why he didn’t want to get me a ring, he said “no reason”. He cancelled plans and meetings with Realtors at the last minute, began lying and coming home late. I didn’t see the warning signs but I wish I had. When I took him to the Bahamas for Valentines day, and he bought me a pair of shoes that DIDN’T EVEN FIT(they weren’t even my size), I wish I had gotten out before I had gotten hurt. I am faced with knowing that while I tried to salvage the relationship, he did not. I see the dress in my closet and the flowers (which I refuse to open because I will just cry more) every day. I have tried to get rid of anything he has ever given me or that I owned that was once his, and even went through my computer and phone and camera and erased everything. But it doesn’t stop hurting, and it doesn’t go away. All I want is for him to realize his mistakes and apologize, and yet I’ll never get that.
I wish the heartache would just go away.
I am new to this so I can relate to feelings that are being shared. I think we can all help each other in th healing process by continuing to share our own experiences. Thank you all.
WOW…..I thought I was the only one that had this problem. As I sat here and read all these, I felt like they were all in my head saying what I,m thinking and how I’m feeling. My girl friend broke up with me a little over 3 years ago. I thank about here every day. I miss her and I truly feel like I’m still in love with her. The crazy thing is that I have been married before and thought I loved the women I was married to.(Devorced now) But I never felt this way about my ex wife as I do for the ex girlfriend of now. I came to this site to seek some advice and help for this that I am going threw. I have been trying to move on and going out on dates, but nothing has helped. Its almost like I’m compairing other women to her. I know I will never find anyone else like her, but I just want to be able to move on. I’m going to try some of the things that I have read on here, but if you have any other advice please feel free to help me.
Dear Morgan,
I am so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I was sexually assaulted, and I know how painful it is.
My advice would be to take your own advice: stop obsessing about your ex-boyfriend and move on with your life! In this case, I think it’s better not to be friends with your ex.
Who wants a friend who can’t be there for you?
I wrote this article for you:
You Were Raped and Your Boyfriend Can’t Cope – What to Do
I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.
Blessings,
Laurie
hi. i dated my boyfriend for a little over 3 years ad half way trough he emotionally cheated on me. but he swore he loved me and hed change, and he did. he became amazing. about a year later, i was raped by one of my best friends and i felt it was my fault so i kept it from him. a few months later i talked to a girl and listening to her talk about her rape i really relates and realized that it wasnt my fault. i told my boyfriend two weeks ago thinking hedunderstand and be there for me. i was wrong. he cohldnt handle it and left my a few nights ago but he wants to remain friends. he clamed he just needed to learn to love himself and hes not looking for another girl but only a fes days later he begins to drink alot and talk to girls including the girls he once cheated on me with. it KILLS that he can walk away so easily and that right away he tries to talk to people he once claimed he hated. it makes me question his respect for himself and his morals. although hes being a jerk and a baby about this, i love him and i can only hope he finds who wants to be, becomes stronger emotionally and then realize what he walked away from…me. i want to tell him how angry i am but i feel like if i make him mad he will stop talking to me. but i half dont want to be his friend so i can move on, but my desire to be with him again makes me want to stay. im torn. please. help.
It has been 13 years since me and my ex girlfriend broke up. TO THIS DAY, EVERYDAY from the time I open my eyes I think of her. I sit here & read all these posts of lost love & think yup that’s me 100%. I think we all relate to one another (male or female). I like you can’t get her out of my freaking head. Ya sure there is times in the day when MAYBE for a few min,hours that I don’t think of her,But she Always finds a way back in. We went out for almost 3 years and I know just like you keep telling YOURSELF move on move move, Well dos it work HELL NO . Sure we can forget about them some maybe longer than others but they keep coming back into our life. I will have her etched into my heart {like a tattoo) for the rest of my days on this earth. And maybe in the next life not have to think about her. BUT I doubt it. as I sit her typing this I can see her face her her voice laughs, see her smile. you get the picture, The people we love the most in life our the ones that leave footprints in out hearts that will never go away. EVER. peace my friends an I wish you the best.Hold strong I try to everyday. with no avail but I keep trying like you do……
My ex broke up with my 3 yrs ago & we were 2gether for 5, & we lived together for the 3 yrs we were broken up. Totaling 8 yrs. My ex has dated about 5 different women since ill break up, just about a few months ago my ex finally said that she has a new girlfriend. A girlfriend who is 21 yrs old & she’s 33. I obsess about my ex & I’m still hurting. I can’t move on. What is wrong with me?
Hi. I happen to visit this site just like many to get over my ex.He was a good friend of mine from class.As we started to hang out together more and more he gradually became my best friend.He was extremely caring and sweet.One day he confessed his feelings towards me and he said he doesn’t have much female friends .but in this case he is sure he loves me and its not any infatuation.I didn’t love him as such but i truly enjoyed being with him.Still ended up spending quality time with him out of which he constantly reminded me that i am actually in love with him but its just that i never admitted it.Gradually i fell for him even though i was a bit freaked out with the fact that my boyfriend kept on saying all relationships comes with emotional baggage and he being a little older than me cant fool around anymore and we should be in a serious relationship and think about the future.It was the first time for me and with every day we became much closer and he made all the grand plans of getting married and having babies.I forgot to mention this .We both are from different backgrounds and from the beginning i was pragmatic and worried about this but he said he is not attached to his family and he doesn’t really care about it as his family itself is multi-cultural.He was very loving boyfriend who at times treated me badly by abandoning a drunk – passed out me on the grounds that i was embarrassing him and insulting me by saying that i don’t write his assignments for him.Still some how things worked out.Alo from the beginning itself he told me that his father is unwell .he had liver cancer and the doctor said he wont live for more than a year.But considering his detached nature to life and family .he said he never felt a thing about it when i tried to console him.The we had a winter break and both of us went home and was in touch every day and every thing went well. But one he said he has to tell me something big and he said its not about break up and its nothing bad.The very next of my returning to campus he said he never realized how much of him was wanted at home as his dad is unwell. i told him he can go home when we graduate and take care of them all. but then he said “if he goes home that means everything is over and he will get married to a girl from his community soon and he cant hurt his parents in the present situation.I felt numb for months but we remained to be friends/people in a relationships and in between he kept on saying he cant let me go and he is afraid of not being able to fall in love with any one else anymore. together with saying he will marry someone else soon and he doesn’t want to hurt his parents. I was so confused and asked him knowing everything going back at home from day 1 we started being friends why did he all this to me.then he said he felt like doing that then and doing this now and he threatened me that if i keep on asking about old promises he will cut all contacts with me.then he went around telling our classmates that”i was his infatuation and not love and i was very dumb to fall in love with him”.I felt devastated and fought with him.then we patched up and reminded his promise to be friends no matter what which both of us said time and again.then we graduated and went home . I tried to call him ones and he refused to answer and it has been two months he never tired to call me.I fell so devastated and depressed. i miss my best friend!I want to move on.
Hi,
My first love broke up with me 2 years ago and got married to someone else due to family pressure. I perfectly understand that may be he had a strong reason to do so but it still hurts that may be he did not put efforts to make this relationship happen. Whats more worse is that I can’t stop thinking about him and its becoming very painful to handle the situation knowing that he is married and might have kids. I just can’t move on and I am unable to get romantically involved with someone else as I always wanted my ex to be in that place forever.I might sound like a dumb girl but since the day he said he was getting married I went into clinical depression and that affected my studies (I was a very bright student) and now I don’t know how to succeed in anything anymore….my parents are annoyed with me as I am not interested in anything and neither I want to marry someone else and make him suffer. I have just lost interest in life itself
Please helppp!!!!!!
Ah, well I guess this advice is pretty good but I doubt it will work for me, I’m just too obsessive…
Anyway, nice references to Mexico, you must love it there xx
It’s so crazy. My first year of college I met this great guy around december. We talked and hung out all the time it was great. We finally made it official on new years day during my vacation. I had realized that I really wanted to be with him and I didnt want to wait too long before he slipped away. The relationship started ok but then it began to go downhill. We would make plans to go out and later during the day he would stand me up for his friends and not tell me. I would call and not hear from him till late the next day (he even stood me up on what would be my very first valentines day with a date), he would reschedule to make it up to me but then it was the same thing. But we did not break up because of that. I found a pic of a half naked girl in his phone dated in february two months into our relationship. I was heart broken. He lied to me about the picture over and over but i just couldnt take it so we ended it there. He called me none stop for weeks and soon they stopped. I completely cut him off. Now it is a year later and i am currently single things had picked up for me in college i received a new scholarship, I am on the deans list, and i found a new job. But out of no where i find myself stalking his facebook and calling him all the time and when im not i cant get him out my mind Sometimes i cry!!! We made plans to see each other two days before i left for summer break and guess what he stood me up again but still i cant let him go. I NEED HELP!!!
i know that i dont feel nothing for him, but i cant stop thinking about him..its like my mind has nothing better to do or maybe its just that i have gotten so use to thinking about him that it has become an everyday thing ..someone please help me
I broke up with my ex more than two years ago and I find myself obsessing over him almost every hour of every day…The saddest thing is I have a new relationship, which is like a fairytale in comparison with my ex.
My ex and I onderstood eachother without saying anything, but he wasn’t the best boyfriend, we had a lot of arguements and he belittled me..
Now I heard he moved on, literally. He is engaged and moved away, but every day there is a chance I bump into him.
I’m jealous, desperate and realy trying to get him out of my head…If anyone wants to talk about it, please do… email me at artydango@hotmail.com. Anyone who has experienced it and successfully overcame their feelings or who are stuck in the same situation.
Broken up with my ex now nearly 2 years in august and I can’t get her out of my head!! I think about her all the time and that if we were together again it would be the perfect relationship. She is dating a new girl now and it pains my heart to see them as guest listed at events. I can’t take it anymore and have tried to meet someone else but I compare everyone to her and I have finally admitted to myself Im too obsessed and now uncomfortable with my sexuality that I have no desire to live anymore. I’m so tired and can’t handle falling in love to probably loose it again. She comes into my head first thing before bed and first thing when I wake and a dozen times in between. I don’t want to think about her anymore, or see or hear her name. I need help! I cry so randomly lately and my body tenses up and feel so heart broken in my chest. Is that real love? What is that?? I know dating will get my mind off her and help me move on but can’t seem to meet anyone either and that is stressing me out more. I am attractive girl and never had a problem before but some force don’t want me to move on and meet someone new and right now I need that to overcome my obsession and suicide tendencies
Dear Alica,
I was in the same boat with my husband – though he didn’t talk to his ex twice a day!
I wrote an article for you. I don’t think you’re being jealous, but I put jealousy in the title because that’s how I felt when my husband saw his ex-girlfriend.
How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex
I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
The bottom line is that I don’t think your boyfriend has moved on with his life if he’s talking to his ex-girlfriend twice a day! I don’t know if he’s obsessed with her, but he needs to focus on YOU. He needs to respect your feelings and thoughts, and put you above his ex-girlfriend.
Wow, thank you all for all of this information and for reminding me that I am NOT alone! My boyfriend and I have been dating/living together for over a year….earlier this year he had lunch with his ex-girlfriend and didn’t tell me about it but I found out anyway. I wanted him to come clean on his own, but he did not and when I finally confronted him about it, we had a huge blowup about it. Things went ’round and ’round and at first I told him I wasn’t comfortable with them seeing each other privately but that wasn’t ok with him, so in the mindset of ‘more flies with honey’ I compromised and we came up with an agreement that as long as he discussed it with me first or told me when they spoke, I would work on getting over my issues with it since it was so important for him that they remain friends. However, it still really bothers me. And, he is STILL keeping contact with her, albeit not as frequent as it once was, BUT I saw on his phone that they spoke twice yesterday and he has yet to disclose this to me personally. I just don’t know what to do…he assures me that he loves me and only wants to be with me and that their relationship romantically will never be again but….then why does he feel he needs to keep her in his life? Why does she not let him move on either? It is starting to really make me crazy and I just need some solid advice…PLEASE?!?!
What if both parties are willing to work things out? Is it worth a try? How do you know when to believe they have changed? Sometimes obsessing about your ex works out for everyone.
Great tips for how to stop obsessing about your ex and get on with your life. But ! I have found though, so many people out there will do whatever it takes to get back with their ex instead of moving on. A huge number of them are successful too. I have personally been in both situations. Sometimes it seems completely impossible to let them go.
Wow. I can realy relate to these stories. I left my ex after 8 years because he is such a cheater and lier. It has been a year and I am still obsessing about him. I spend all day subtracting three hours from my day to figure out what he is doing. (Time Diff.) We finally starting talking about getting back together. He wanted me to show him how much I care so I bought the plane ticket to see him for his birthday. Two days before take off I get the call that we can be friends, he has another boyfriend and I can come and hang out with them. I totally lossed it. My obsession is now so back I can’t function. I am totally flipping out. Every crazy moment minus three. I am starting to wonder if there is a pill to make himm go away.
dear diosa,
i feel exactly the same but with my ex girlfriend but im a teenager and she was my first love i dont now how to overcome it sometimes i feel good and forget her but when she comes to my head i have this terrible feeling and i make some thoughts that i dont want to make.this also affected my marks on tests.although now its summer and i hope to overcome her cause i cant stand this anymore…anyone wants to advice
Dear Lynn,
I wrote this article for you — it goes beyond stopping obsessive thoughts!
How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals
I hope it helps.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have known this man for many years. All he does is lie to me and treat me as a booty call. But I love him so much. He is now seeing some new chick. My selfesteem is shot. I hate myself. What can I do to get us back together
hi maryanne
please email me at jnkmail50@gmail.com
we need to talk as i am a woman going through the exact same thing!
I am going through the exact same thing only I live with this man. I obsess about his infidelities, wonder who is with everyday he is at work. I used to check his cell phone but he got wise to that and deletes his calls.
I have lost all my self esteem and pride. I am angry at myself for staying with him but at my age it would be more than impossible for me to get a job and support myself. I think I am more angry at me than him because I have allowed him to treat me like a door mat.
I was never like this before. I always have had high self esteem and would never put up with this treatment. I do not know what is wrong with me and I loathe myself.
hi! my boyfriend went to another country for 8 months to study. I scheduled to visit him 6 months later for xmas. Everything worked well for the first 4 months thanks to video chat and smart phones with internet. Then something happened and he seemed distant. After a few weeks of noticing his behavior I asked him what was wrong and he asked me for a break. I accepted and understood his reasons and canceled my trip. It’s been a month and as you say it’s been ups and downs, good and really bad days. I cannot stop thinking about him, i compulsively check for emails, his network status and pictures. I’m usually a very strong, positive person with a high level of acceptance of how life sets things (that comes from being a cancer survivor). But this breakup has made me a very weak, unmotivated person. Every time I try to think positively and do the things i usually enjoy, or even trying your recommendations i get a strong feeling of sadness and a sense of blockage for happy thoughts, it has affected me not only emotionally but physically, I get anxious and shortness of breath and i feel my heart is coming out of my chest. what is that? how can i stop it? please a little orientation, im usually very patient with all processes but this one is very hard.
Packing Your Troubles Away Actually Works, Study Finds
Are you finding it hard to get over a failed love interest? You can’t stop obsessing about your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?
A new study from the Rotman School of Management suggests you might want to stick something related to your disappointment in a box or envelope if you want to feel better.
In four separate experiments researchers found that the physical act of enclosing materials related to an unpleasant experience, such as a written recollection about it, improved people’s negative feelings towards the event and created psychological closure. Enclosing materials unrelated to the experience did not work as well.
“If you tell people, ‘You’ve got to move on,’ that doesn’t work,” said Dilip Soman, who holds the Corus Chair in Communication Strategy at the Rotman School and is also a professor of marketing, who co-wrote the paper with colleagues Xiuping Li from the National University of Singapore and Liyuan Wei from City University of Hong Kong. “What works is when people enclose materials that are relevant to the negative memories they have. It works because people aren’t trying to explicitly control their emotions.”
While the market implications might not be immediately obvious, Prof. Soman believes the findings point to new angles on such things as fast pick-up courier services and pre-paid mortgage deals that relieve people’s sense of debt burden. If people realize that the memory of past events or tasks can be distracting, perhaps there is a market for products and services that can enclose or take away memories of that task.
The paper is to be published in Psychological Science.
Story Source:
Adapted from materials provided by University of Toronto, Rotman School of Management.
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