How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex and Get On With Your Life
Are You Ready to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex and Get On With Your Life?
Are you obsessively yearning, longing, wishing, hoping? Stop it! Learn how to stop obsessing about your ex and get on with your life.
These tips are inspired by a question from a reader on How to Let Go of Someone You Love:
“I still seem to be obsessing about my ex. She crowds into my thoughts a dozen times a day. I’m trying my best to forget about her, but, despite what I’ve read and the advice I’ve gotten, I CAN’T GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD! I feel like I’m going through my days as half a person, with nothing ahead of me but regrets about what might have been….how do I stop my thoughts?”
Obsessive thoughts about your ex can be a normal part of breaking up. But, if those thoughts are overpowering or overwhelming, then you need to find a way to overcome them. Here are six ways to stop thinking about your ex all the time.
To learn more about overcoming an obsession, read Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go.
How to Stop Obsessing About Your Ex and Get On With Your Life
Different people will find different ways of overcoming obsessive thoughts effective…and the only way to learn what works for you is to try something you think might work. If a couple of weeks go by and you’re still obsessing, then try another technique. Eventually, you’ll find what works!
Use the dog-and-vomit analogy (it’s gross, but it works!)
It sounds gross, but hang in with me here! I recently read There Is a Season by Patrick Lane, about his journey through addiction and recovery. He said thinking about sad things in the past is like a dog returning to his own vomit. I love this analogy, and use it when I start berating myself for something I regret doing. Instead of raking myself over the coals, I tell myself that I’m not a dog and I refuse to go back to my own vomit…and I then think “Eeewwww…” and I move on! This is a very practical, effective way to stop obsessive thoughts about an ex.
Use the rubber band technique
In psychology, a popular technique for overcoming obsessive thinking is to wear a rubber band around your wrist. When those obessessive thoughts come up, snap the band and replace your obsessive thought of your ex with a different thought (which you planned in advance). Your replacement thought should be something that makes you feel good, and can range from “Which three pairs of shorts should I take on my Mexican vacation?” to “Wow, I did an awesome job on that work project! I really nailed it.”
Incorporate two new activities into your life
Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Brother. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons. Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting. If new activities seem overwhelming to you, read How to Survive the Emotions After Breaking Up.
Schedule a time to obsess, and a time to get on with your life
If you can’t bear the thought of not thinking about the relationship breakup, then set a specific time to let your obsessive thoughts about your ex run wild. I’d suggest 15 minutes at the beginning or end of the day – and maybe a 15 minute stint at lunch, too (if you’re really dedicated). When the obsession intrudes at the wrong time (in the middle of a work meeting, for instance), then remind yourself that you get to obsess all you want in your “obsession time.” During your obsession time, you must sit and do nothing but think, wail, cry, and obsess about your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. After a few days of this, you’ll find it boring to sit and do nothing but think about your ex.
Stop trying to overcome your obsession with your ex
Have you heard the “elephant in the corner” analogy? When you attempt to force yourself not to think about the elephant in the corner (or ice cream if you’re on a diet), then of course that’s all you can think about. Instead of focusing on the fact that you’re obessed with love, just flow with your thoughts. Don’t try to stop them. Instead, accept the thought – and then replace it with one of the ways I’ve suggested above.
It takes determination and self-control to control the direction your thoughts take. But, ultimately, you do have control. You just need to find the willpower – and the right technique – for overcoming obsessive love.
For more tips, read 10 Best Ways to Cope With a Breakup – Pamper Yourself!
And if you have questions or thoughts on how to stop obsessing about your ex and get on with your life, please comment below…
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Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
Dear Alica,
I was in the same boat with my husband – though he didn’t talk to his ex twice a day!
I wrote an article for you. I don’t think you’re being jealous, but I put jealousy in the title because that’s how I felt when my husband saw his ex-girlfriend.
How to Cope With Jealousy When Your Boyfriend Sees His Ex
I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts there or here.
Blessings,
Laurie
The bottom line is that I don’t think your boyfriend has moved on with his life if he’s talking to his ex-girlfriend twice a day! I don’t know if he’s obsessed with her, but he needs to focus on YOU. He needs to respect your feelings and thoughts, and put you above his ex-girlfriend.
Wow, thank you all for all of this information and for reminding me that I am NOT alone! My boyfriend and I have been dating/living together for over a year….earlier this year he had lunch with his ex-girlfriend and didn’t tell me about it but I found out anyway. I wanted him to come clean on his own, but he did not and when I finally confronted him about it, we had a huge blowup about it. Things went ’round and ’round and at first I told him I wasn’t comfortable with them seeing each other privately but that wasn’t ok with him, so in the mindset of ‘more flies with honey’ I compromised and we came up with an agreement that as long as he discussed it with me first or told me when they spoke, I would work on getting over my issues with it since it was so important for him that they remain friends. However, it still really bothers me. And, he is STILL keeping contact with her, albeit not as frequent as it once was, BUT I saw on his phone that they spoke twice yesterday and he has yet to disclose this to me personally. I just don’t know what to do…he assures me that he loves me and only wants to be with me and that their relationship romantically will never be again but….then why does he feel he needs to keep her in his life? Why does she not let him move on either? It is starting to really make me crazy and I just need some solid advice…PLEASE?!?!
What if both parties are willing to work things out? Is it worth a try? How do you know when to believe they have changed? Sometimes obsessing about your ex works out for everyone.
Great tips for how to stop obsessing about your ex and get on with your life. But ! I have found though, so many people out there will do whatever it takes to get back with their ex instead of moving on. A huge number of them are successful too. I have personally been in both situations. Sometimes it seems completely impossible to let them go.
Wow. I can realy relate to these stories. I left my ex after 8 years because he is such a cheater and lier. It has been a year and I am still obsessing about him. I spend all day subtracting three hours from my day to figure out what he is doing. (Time Diff.) We finally starting talking about getting back together. He wanted me to show him how much I care so I bought the plane ticket to see him for his birthday. Two days before take off I get the call that we can be friends, he has another boyfriend and I can come and hang out with them. I totally lossed it. My obsession is now so back I can’t function. I am totally flipping out. Every crazy moment minus three. I am starting to wonder if there is a pill to make himm go away.
dear diosa,
i feel exactly the same but with my ex girlfriend but im a teenager and she was my first love i dont now how to overcome it sometimes i feel good and forget her but when she comes to my head i have this terrible feeling and i make some thoughts that i dont want to make.this also affected my marks on tests.although now its summer and i hope to overcome her cause i cant stand this anymore…anyone wants to advice
Dear Lynn,
I wrote this article for you — it goes beyond stopping obsessive thoughts!
How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals
I hope it helps.
Blessings,
Laurie
I have known this man for many years. All he does is lie to me and treat me as a booty call. But I love him so much. He is now seeing some new chick. My selfesteem is shot. I hate myself. What can I do to get us back together
hi maryanne
please email me at jnkmail50@gmail.com
we need to talk as i am a woman going through the exact same thing!
I am going through the exact same thing only I live with this man. I obsess about his infidelities, wonder who is with everyday he is at work. I used to check his cell phone but he got wise to that and deletes his calls.
I have lost all my self esteem and pride. I am angry at myself for staying with him but at my age it would be more than impossible for me to get a job and support myself. I think I am more angry at me than him because I have allowed him to treat me like a door mat.
I was never like this before. I always have had high self esteem and would never put up with this treatment. I do not know what is wrong with me and I loathe myself.
hi! my boyfriend went to another country for 8 months to study. I scheduled to visit him 6 months later for xmas. Everything worked well for the first 4 months thanks to video chat and smart phones with internet. Then something happened and he seemed distant. After a few weeks of noticing his behavior I asked him what was wrong and he asked me for a break. I accepted and understood his reasons and canceled my trip. It’s been a month and as you say it’s been ups and downs, good and really bad days. I cannot stop thinking about him, i compulsively check for emails, his network status and pictures. I’m usually a very strong, positive person with a high level of acceptance of how life sets things (that comes from being a cancer survivor). But this breakup has made me a very weak, unmotivated person. Every time I try to think positively and do the things i usually enjoy, or even trying your recommendations i get a strong feeling of sadness and a sense of blockage for happy thoughts, it has affected me not only emotionally but physically, I get anxious and shortness of breath and i feel my heart is coming out of my chest. what is that? how can i stop it? please a little orientation, im usually very patient with all processes but this one is very hard.
Packing Your Troubles Away Actually Works, Study Finds
Are you finding it hard to get over a failed love interest? You can’t stop obsessing about your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?
A new study from the Rotman School of Management suggests you might want to stick something related to your disappointment in a box or envelope if you want to feel better.
In four separate experiments researchers found that the physical act of enclosing materials related to an unpleasant experience, such as a written recollection about it, improved people’s negative feelings towards the event and created psychological closure. Enclosing materials unrelated to the experience did not work as well.
“If you tell people, ‘You’ve got to move on,’ that doesn’t work,” said Dilip Soman, who holds the Corus Chair in Communication Strategy at the Rotman School and is also a professor of marketing, who co-wrote the paper with colleagues Xiuping Li from the National University of Singapore and Liyuan Wei from City University of Hong Kong. “What works is when people enclose materials that are relevant to the negative memories they have. It works because people aren’t trying to explicitly control their emotions.”
While the market implications might not be immediately obvious, Prof. Soman believes the findings point to new angles on such things as fast pick-up courier services and pre-paid mortgage deals that relieve people’s sense of debt burden. If people realize that the memory of past events or tasks can be distracting, perhaps there is a market for products and services that can enclose or take away memories of that task.
The paper is to be published in Psychological Science.
Story Source:
Adapted from materials provided by University of Toronto, Rotman School of Management.
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