Is your past haunting you? These tips won’t erase anything, but they’ll help you stop loving someone and find the freedom to move on and be happy again.
Like Winston Churchill said: “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
Don’t stop, don’t look back, and don’t keep torturing yourself with the “what if” and “I wish…”
Believe me; I know what abandonment is and how hard it is to realize that to be happy, you have to stop loving someone.
If you’re going through the hell of a breakup, read 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love. It offers tips from psychologists, counselors, and life coaches – and it’s as close to therapy as you’ll get without actually talking to a counselor!
And, here are a few tips on how to stop your past from ruining your present and future…
Can You Stop Loving Someone From Your Past?
You may never really stop loving them, but you can stop obsessing about the past and being fearful of the future – of never being loved again.
These tips are inspired by one of my readers who made this comment:
“I only wish I had the strength to let go,” says J. on How to Let Go of Someone You Love. “I’m 24 can’t find a way too let go of past relationships. In fact, I find it hard to let go of anything. It’s so hard and frustrating because I feel like the whole of the world has moved on without me.”
He says he was with his first love for three years, and it took him two years to get over her. “I thought I was over her but I’m actually not,” he says. “If I see her I could burst out crying because the pain and sorrow I feel is like it was the day she left me.”
That’s heartbreaking – but he doesn’t have to live that way!
Healing from the past takes some people longer
Some people are naturally more resilient than others. They’re better able to detach from the past, move on, and open their hearts to loving again. Others (me included) find it hard to stop loving someone and let go. We’re all different.
But, if your inability to let go of the past is causing serious anxiety, distress, and even depression, then it’s time to get help from a professional counselor, pastor, mentor, or someone you trust. J. said he still feels like crying when he sees his old girlfriend…and that’s not normal after a breakup that happened three years.
If you’re in the same boat, you may find How to Forget Your Ex After a Breakup When You Still Love Him.
Love or lack of love doesn’t change who you are
“It’s been five years since we split, and she doesn’t even acknowledge me,” says J. “I feel like she hates me. How can love turn to hate, or turn to nothing? I feel worthless. I feel like no one will ever love or want me again, and I’m not even sure if I want them to because they all leave me in the end.”
J, if you’re reading this, I really, really encourage you to find ways to rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth. Being loved makes us feel fantastic and lovable and worthy and valuable as human beings…but the fact that someone stopped loving us shouldn’t change how we feel about ourselves. I know this is easier said than believed! I know how devastating it is to not be loved…but an important tip for getting over your past is to separate your love life from your perception of yourself. I urge you to get help from a counselor.
Not finding the right person to love doesn’t mean you’re unlovable! It just means you haven’t found the right match.
Try different things until you find what works for you
I’ve written several articles on getting over a breakup, with different tips each time. To stop loving someone from the past, I suggest you try one tip at a time. For instance, some people listen to songs for broken hearts to heal heartache (music therapy, in a way!). Others prefer making a major life change, getting counseling, or psychological ways to stop obsessing about your ex.
Accept that the pain of loss might never end
Five years ago, my sister told me she never wanted to talk to me again – and I didn’t do anything even remotely wrong or bad! We were raised in foster homes, and I went to Africa for three years to teach…and that’s when she started to pull away, when I was gone. She even gave me a going away card with a plane crashing and the words “Why are you doing this?” Obviously, the combination of our childhood and my leaving was hard on her.
I’ll never stop loving her, but I won’t let the past chain me down. I’ve moved on. How? By talking to a counselor, redirecting my thoughts every time I find myself ruminating on what I did wrong, and by creating an interesting, fun, active life for myself!
If I can be happy and healthy after being dumped by my sister, you can move on after being dumped by someone who’s not right for you.
For more tips, read Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce – A Few Tips.
Is your past haunting you? Are you struggling to stop loving someone? Comments welcome below…
I'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.