How to Stop Loving Someone From Your Past and Move On
It's Time to Stop Your Past From Haunting You
Even if you can’t totally stop loving someone from your past, you can find the freedom to move on and be happy again. To stop your past from haunting you, you need to keep pushing forward.
Like Winston Churchill said: “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
Don’t stop, don’t look back, and don’t keep torturing yourself with the “what if” and “I wish…” Believe me; I know what abandonment is and how hard it is to realize that to be happy, you have to stop loving someone.
If you’re going through the hell of a breakup, read 75 Ways to Let Go of Someone You Love. It offers tips from psychologists, counselors, and life coaches – and it’s as close to therapy as you’ll get without actually talking to a counselor!
And, here are a few tips on how to stop your past from ruining your present and future…
Can You Stop Loving Someone From Your Past?
You may never really stop loving them, but you can stop obsessing about the past and being fearful of the future – of never being loved again.
These tips are inspired by one of my readers who made this comment:
“I only wish I had the strength to let go,” says J. on How to Let Go of Someone You Love. “I’m 24 can’t find a way too let go of past relationships. In fact, I find it hard to let go of anything. It’s so hard and frustrating because I feel like the whole of the world has moved on without me.”
He says he was with his first love for three years, and it took him two years to get over her. “I thought I was over her but I’m actually not,” he says. “If I see her I could burst out crying because the pain and sorrow I feel is like it was the day she left me.”
That’s heartbreaking – but he doesn’t have to live that way!
Healing from the past takes some people longer
Some people are naturally more resilient than others. They’re better able to detach from the past, move on, and open their hearts to loving again. Others (me included) find it hard to stop loving someone and let go. We’re all different.
But, if your inability to let go of the past is causing serious anxiety, distress, and even depression, then it’s time to get help from a professional counselor, pastor, mentor, or someone you trust. J. said he still feels like crying when he sees his old girlfriend…and that’s not normal after a breakup that happened three years.
If you’re in the same boat, you may find How to Forget Your Ex After a Breakup When You Still Love Him.
Love or lack of love doesn’t change who you are
“It’s been five years since we split, and she doesn’t even acknowledge me,” says J. “I feel like she hates me. How can love turn to hate, or turn to nothing? I feel worthless. I feel like no one will ever love or want me again, and I’m not even sure if I want them to because they all leave me in the end.”
J, if you’re reading this, I really, really encourage you to find ways to rebuild your self-esteem and self-worth. Being loved makes us feel fantastic and lovable and worthy and valuable as human beings…but the fact that someone stopped loving us shouldn’t change how we feel about ourselves. I know this is easier said than believed! I know how devastating it is to not be loved…but an important tip for getting over your past is to separate your love life from your perception of yourself. I urge you to get help from a counselor.
Not finding the right person to love doesn’t mean you’re unlovable! It just means you haven’t found the right match.
Try different things until you find what works for you
I’ve written several articles on getting over a breakup, with different tips each time. To stop loving someone from the past, I suggest you try one tip at a time. For instance, some people listen to songs for broken hearts to heal heartache (music therapy, in a way!). Others prefer making a major life change, getting counseling, or psychological ways to stop obsessing about your ex.
Accept that the pain of loss might never end
Five years ago, my sister told me she never wanted to talk to me again – and I didn’t do anything even remotely wrong or bad! We were raised in foster homes, and I went to Africa for three years to teach…and that’s when she started to pull away, when I was gone. She even gave me a going away card with a plane crashing and the words “Why are you doing this?” Obviously, the combination of our childhood and my leaving was hard on her.
I’ll never stop loving her, but I won’t let the past chain me down. I’ve moved on. How? By talking to a counselor, redirecting my thoughts every time I find myself ruminating on what I did wrong, and by creating an interesting, fun, active life for myself!
If I can be happy and healthy after being dumped by my sister, you can move on after being dumped by someone who’s not right for you.
For more tips, read Getting Over the Pain of an Unexpected Divorce – A Few Tips.
Is your past haunting you? Are you struggling to stop loving someone? Comments welcome below…
Category: Breaking Up, Grieving & Loss, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
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- 5 Ways to Avoid Rebound Love and Start Fresh With Someone New | June 11, 2011
I am still trying to get over the pain of finding out that my ex fiance married another woman while still engaged to me. I stumbled across their wedding registry online 2 days before their wedding. My ex was not even man enough to admit to me that he was seeing another woman when I went to visit him this year. The least thing he could have done is to have at least broken up with me and spared me this pain but no. He’s a lying deceptive bastard of a man who kept up a very fake religious facade. He thinks he’s a righteous being of a man who preaches to other people.
We were in a long distance relationship for 5 years – engaged for 3 years. We would get into small arguments whenever I tell him that I think some girl was hitting on him. He would tell me that I was very insecure and that I was probably guilty of cheating on him. Funny that in hindsight, I now realize that my body was trying to tell me that something was not right – no matter how well crafted that jerk’s lies may be.
I broke all contact with him after finding out his infidelity. Incidentally, 2 days before he got married, he went into hiding literally. He closed down his profile in messaging profiles, skype, mobile number and I suspect, changed his email addresses too. I do not care nor do I plan on contacting him ever again so those things do not really matter to me.
2 weeks after his wedding, I got a personal message from him asking me to confirm if the relationship was over and that he wanted to talk to me for 1 last time before moving on. And the grand finish to this mess of a message? He missed me so much because we stopped talking. I almost barfed when I read that message. I wanted to slap him so hard then and there. There was still no admission of a wedding that happened. The jerk wanted to continue the charade of stringing me along.
I still could not believe that there exists an evil malicious man who used to be my classmate and best friend from college. All of our hopes and dreams of the future of raising a family and spending our lives together were all lies! I thank my lucky stars for finding out and validating my suspicions about this jerk. My close friends have been very supportive through this entire ordeal. I can never thank them enough. I agree with them totally that I am in a better place than his wife is right now. And I know that I am still healing but I know that I became stronger because of this traumatic experience.
*sigh*, So I’ll tell you all. I fell in love with a girl, like 4 years ago, at first sight. It’s already been 4 years and still love her.
It’s like I’m going crazy or something, searching her after 4 years on the internet. Just stare at her pictures. And the worst thing is, I have no idea if she loved me or not…
I think it depends on whether your relationship is a recent one that ended and you are having trouble letting go of that person (a few months or even a year), OR someone you loved, let’s say, 4 or 5 years ago. For me, letting go of someone that I loved a long time ago (my first love) happened when I realized that I had become a different person in the time that passed once our relationship ended. And, I believe that what I thought was love for that person and sadness that we were not together, was actually sadness because I missed our young, naiive life and it was the time period that I could not go back to that made me feel such a loss, not the fact that my first love cheated on me and was dishonest. I didn’t want him back, I wanted that carefree, no-responsibility adventurous lifestyle that I had to push aside as I got older. Once I was able to put it all into perspective and realize what it was that I was actually sad about, I was able to really move on without thinking about my ex-boyfriend in the same way. I think also when you accept the fact that you cannot move forward in your own life if you are holding onto the past, helps you to start respecting yourself and you allow yourself to receive new love and see your life and the people in it for who they are, not for what they aren’t.