You know it’s better to stay apart, but he keeps calling and texting! Here are a few tips for staying broken up even when he tries to talk you into staying with him.
“I’m not happy with our marriage and I haven’t been for a long time,” says Z. on Relationship Breakup Advice – Help Getting Over Your Ex. “I don’t believe we should ever have gotten married but at the same time I love him and I’m so scared that I will change my mind. How do I prevent him from talking me into staying with him, especially when I KNOW that it would be bad to stay married?”
The best way to stop him from talking you into getting back together is to focus on letting go, healing, and moving forward. If you need to break free from the past, read Letting Go of Someone You Love — it offers 75 tips from psychologists, life coaches, and counselors.
How to Stay Apart When He Wants to Get Back Together
Here’s what another reader says:
“I cut all ties with him but when I get messages like that from him it brings my progress down and I get depressed again,” says D. on My Husband Left Me for Another Woman – 6 Breakup Survival Tips. “Why does this man keep trying to hurt me?……when is this going to stop?”
Do you regret the break up? It's not too late... How to Get Your Ex Back
Different people find strength in different ways: spirituality, friends, family members, their children, work, hobbies, a counselor, a support group, or even sheer willpower! Sometimes all it takes is repeating, over and over and over again to both yourself and him, the negative parts of the relationship and your reason for leaving. Eventually both you and he will get tired of hearing it, and you’ll have found how to stay apart.
You may already know what will keep you strong and gone, or you may need to experiment with different things. Here are a few tips for staying broken up when he wants to get back together…
5 Ways to Stick to Your Decision to Break Up
Figure out what the pull is, why you can’t stay apart
Why can’t you resist the pull of your ex and that relationship – even though you know neither is good for you? The sooner you figure out why you can’t stay away from your ex, the easier it’ll be to stay apart even when he keeps calling and texting.
And don’t settle for the old “But I love him, I can’t live without him” song! Yes, you can happily live without him.
There are reasons you can’t stay apart when he calls and texts you…and only you know what they are. How do you get insight into your motivations? Make a list of ten reasons you can’t live without your ex, and then make a list of ten more reasons. The real reason you can’t stay apart – the most compelling one – is probably in there somewhere. It’s the one that makes you cry and wish your ex was holding you right now. And that’s the thing you need to deal with if you want to move on with your life.
Let go of guilt because of the break up
Sometimes we don’t leave unhappy or unhealthy relationships because we feel guilty, or we don’t want to leave our boyfriends or husbands in a bad financial, emotional, or social situation. This is misplaced guilt and faulty reasoning! You are not responsible for your ex’s living accommodations, bill payments, or life. He is a grown adult, and if he’s not capable of taking care of himself, then he needs to learn independence and self-sufficiency.
Your job is not to make sure he has a roof over his head or that he is cared for. Your job is not to ensure that his relatives think highly of you. Your job is to make the best decision possible for you and your kids if you have them — which may include being strong about being gone.
Stop being a people pleaser
“Are you doing what other people say you say you should? Are you staying in the bounds of whatever excuse you are using to stay stuck?” asks family mediator and counselor Terry McGeehan, founder of Sage River Wellness. “You aren’t a little girl who has to listen to a man, who needs him to take care of her. That is so 1800′s! It doesn’t work for you or anybody else. Be a real women who isn’t hiding inside a miserable, unhealthy, loveless relationship. Do what needs to be done. Stop tolerating mediocrity, bad behavior and less than you deserve. Dare to live life on your terms. Love will find you. Love yourself first, give to yourself first, honor what is sacred within yourself, and then you will have something truly worthy to offer another human being.”
If you want to stay broken up even if he’s pushing you to get back together, you need to develop your self-confidence and self-esteem.
Give yourself permission to be single, separated, or divorced
We live by rules developed through our experiences, beliefs, and even our personalities. For instance, some people think marriage or committed relationships are the rule, and quitting is not an option. Some people grow up with parents in toxic marriages, and thus find them oddly comfortable and familiar. Being in a relationship and living by the rule that you have to stay and work it out no matter what will keep you stuck.
“I experienced this firsthand when I was married,” says personal strategist Charly Emery, author of Thank Goodness You Dumped His A$$: Use Those Mr. Wrongs to Lead You Straight to Mr. Right. “My rule was you can’t get divorced. I was miserable in my marriage and had no idea that I simply hadn’t given myself an out. As soon as I realized I was filtering all my options/choices through that rule, I was able to revise it so it could improve my health and well-being. Less than a month later we were getting divorced.”
Call in the troops – they’ll support you even when he wants to get back together!
“I had a client who gathered all her good friends together for an overnight ‘help session,’” says family therapist Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage: The Essentials for Long-Lasting Togetherness. “She asked each of them to remind her of how she had been hurt so terribly, to talk through why they all knew this guy would keep cheating. Then, they brainstormed how each of her friends would help her stay on task of letting go.” The beauty of rallying several friends to help in small ways is that you don’t feel guilty for “burdening” one friend with all your relationship woes. And, each of your friends has a unique perspective that will make a difference in your life!
If you’re confused about whether you should stay apart or get back together, read My Ex Wants to Reconcile – Should We Start Over?
What do you think about these tips for staying apart? Comments welcome below…