These tips for reviving a dry, stale marriage are inspired by a husband who wants to reconnect with his wife, but fears his marriage is over.
“I have been involved in a affair for nearly 9 months,” says J. on How to Let Go of Someone You Love. “I ended it about 6 weeks ago. I am the married man who found love with someone nearly half my age. I was 39 and she was 20 when we met.”
He started the affair because love and intimacy in his marriage became stale. Are you in the same boat – affair or not? Read How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. It’s a great resource for married couples, and might help you save your marriage. It got excellent reviews on Amazon.
Here are my tips for love gone cold. I’ve also included more of J’s story, because it shows why men cheat on their wives.
4 Tips for Reviving a Stale Marriage
“I found myself falling in love with this woman and fulfilling things that were missing in my marriage. Something I was not prepared for. I have been married for 14 years and have grown apart from my wife. We don’t hate each other, we just became stale in our love and intimacy. Something I don’t know if will ever be restored after my betrayal.”
Realize your marriage has reached a crisis point
An affair – especially one that involves feelings of strong love and attachment to the other woman – is an obvious sign of a failing marriage. It’s rock bottom, or very close. An affair means you need to go beyond simply reviving a stale marriage or applying tips for love gone cold.
An affair means you need serious marriage help, from a counselor or marriage therapist. And, you may need help figuring out how to stop cheating on your spouse.
Remember that the grass is always greener on the other side
“I ended the affair to try and sort things out,” says J. “And, maybe see if there was something left in the tank with my marriage. I still love this other person and can’t stop thinking about her. I think about her in my dreams, morning, day and night. I think about the good and bad. I have tried to use the bad to get over her but it’s not working.”
He can’t stop obsessing about his girlfriend because he thinks life will be better with her. He doesn’t realize that in 14 years (or less), he’ll be in exactly the same boat. He’s on the romantic sexy high of forbidden love, and he’s comparing it to a long-term marriage that has gone stale.
He doesn’t realize that he’s obsessing about an ideal…not a real woman. If he lived with her, he’d be singing a different song.
Find common ground – the reasons you fell in love
What bonds you to your wife, after 14 years of marriage? I’ve only been married for six years (known him for 20), but we’ve got heaps of memories, experiences, and history together. I think growing apart can easily happen to married couples; the trick is to find and stay on the common ground that brought you together. Sometimes reviving a stale marriage means learning How to Motivate a Lazy Husband.
Reviving a stale marriage isn’t as easy as finding common ground, but it’s as good a place as any to start.
Create ways to keep your marriage fresh and interesting
When was the last time you did something fun and exciting with your spouse? It doesn’t have to be an adventure vacation or a romantic trip toParis! We take our dog to the off leash dog park, and find ourselves wearing permi-grins for the whole time. It’s fun. It’s fresh for us – we’ve only had the dog for six weeks.
To revive a stale marriage, you need to overcome the feelings of emotional disconnection. For tips, read When You Feel Alone in Your Marriage – Emotional Disconnection.
I'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.