Aug 232011
 

long term affairs

Here’s the perfect way to describe long term affairs with married men: “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford.

Whether a long term affair warms your heart or burns everything down depends on many different things. But, chances are a long term affair with a married man will do more harm than good.

Why are you looking for long term affairs with married men? If you want to save your marriage, I offer four tips for affair recovery below. At the end of this article are resources for everything from making a man fall in love with you to letting go of someone you love.

Here’s what one reader said:

“A woman called and told me that my husband of 34 years, was ‘hooking up’ with another woman,” says A. on How to Trust Your Husband After an Affair. “He regularly plays and sings music with a group of people, and I knew this woman was one of the singers, but didn’t think they were anything besides friends.”

Below, she describes how she found out about the affair – which was going on for three years. First, she has to decide if she wants to save her marriage, knowing that long term affairs are more difficult to recover from.

One of the bestselling resources for recovering from long term affairs is After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful.

Long Term Affairs With Married Men – 4 Steps to Recovery

“I went to his computer and found emails that indicate this affair has been going on for more than three years,” says A. “We live in a small town, so I wonder how many people saw them together and know about this affair.”

Her 60 year old husband is retired; the woman he had an affair with is 41, married and doesn’t work. He’d email her to meet right after A. left for work each day.

“He promised to stop seeing her, and swears that he hasn’t been in contact with her since I found out,” says A. “My husband wants to pretend that everything is okay, but I am devastated by this betrayal. He refuses counseling, since we both hold degrees in psychology and ‘know what they will say.’ I think he doesn’t want to face what he has done to us. I thought I would be feeling better by now, but I still cry each day and get nauseated when I leave the house each morning, thinking about all the times he was waiting for me to go to work so he could be with her. I have lost trust in him and don’t believe things he tells me. I worry about silly things now and never did before. How do I get past this?”

Accept the reality that long term affairs are more difficult to get over than a fling

Long term affairs with married men that go on for years contain more than a brief (stupid) moment of indiscretion or an impulsive (immoral) act. Affairs that last years indicate that a relationship is in place. Even though the cheaters don’t want to leave their spouses, they are emotionally and physically connected.

Long term affairs are deeper, more painful betrayals than short term affairs like one night stands or short flings. Both types of affairs are wrong and horrible betrayals, but a long term affairs mean the married man wasn’t getting what he needed from the marriage. His relationship with the other woman was fulfilling some need.

Is your marriage in trouble? Get a free marriage assessment and relationship advice.

If you're dealing with a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love
.

Read Why Men Cheat on Women to learn what he may have been missing.

Give yourself time to grieve the end of your marriage as you knew it

The grief you’re going through involves the same stages as grieving the death of a spouse. You can’t just shrug off long term affairs with married men, and resume your marriage! You have to mourn the end of one stage of your marriage so you can prepare for the next stage.

My friend’s husband cheated on her with her best friend, and it took her six years to recover. Of course she didn’t trust anything he said – he’d been lying to her for ages. So, don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ll “get over it” anytime soon.

One way to grieve the end of your marriage is to talk to other wives who have survived long term affairs. If you don’t know how to connect with other women whose husbands cheated, write your thoughts in the comments section below. Other women who are coping with long term affairs with married men will read your thoughts, and hopefully respond.

Decide if you want to get past the long term affair

Do you want to stay married to a man who lied and cheated on you for years? Write down the pros and cons for recovering your marriage, for rebuilding and reconnecting. Be honest with yourself – maybe you’re scared to leave because you haven’t been on your own for years, you don’t know how to pay the household bills, your kids will freak out, your pastor will have a heart attack.

Spend a month weighing the pros and cons of trying to recover from a long-term affair. You don’t have to decide today or tomorrow…just envision your life on your own, and envision your life in a new stage of marriage.

You are free to create the life you want! Maybe that involves marriage; maybe it doesn’t. But you need to give yourself permission to take your life in the direction you want.

You also have to be aware of the signs your partner will cheat on you again.

Go for marriage counseling even if he doesn’t want to

Your husband lost the right to stomp his foot and say “but I don’t wanna to go to marriage counseling” the first time he considered cheating. After long term affairs, married men have absolutely no right to say whether or not marriage counseling is an option.

Your husband does not have the right to decide on marriage counseling.

Of course he doesn’t want to face the music, own up to his actions, and explain himself. It’s hard to accept the consequences of immoral, disgusting, lying, cheating behavior! Are you going to let him off the hook? The painful truth is that if he was really sorry and remorseful about his years of infidelity, he’d do anything he could to win you back. He’d lead the way to marriage counseling if he thought it would help you recover from his long-term affair.

Leave him at home if he doesn’t want to go. You need to go for counseling on your own, whether or not he does. You need tools to survive the betrayal, and to cope with the fact that others knew about the affair long before you did.

For more tips on long term affairs with married men, Getting Over an Affair – How Long Does it Take?

What do you think about long term affairs with married men? Comments welcome below…

About Me

quips tips love relationshipsI'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.

  9 Responses to “Long Term Affairs With Married Men”

  1. We are high school sweethearts–he did cheat in high school which we did break up and later got back together. Now 11 years later, married Aug 2012, 1 year after, I find out my husband was cheating on me. We are both young 25 and 27. We have been having problems regarding religion for approx 6 months of our marriage. It was very intense–so much that I left home for week to my parents home. While checking cell phone records a couple days ago, I found very long phone convos with the same number over the span of many months.

    • Thank you for sharing about your husband’s long term affair, Pam – I’m so sorry to hear about his cheating. It’s a devastating betrayal, and so difficult to recover from.

      I wish you all the best as you decide what to do and how to proceed with your marriage.

      Blessings,
      Laurie

  2. Where do I start…..I find myself still struggling to cope with my husbands long-term affair and I’ve known for 7-years. One would think that after marriage counseling and shear time, i could put this all in perspecitve and move on. I don’t dwell on the affair, but I certainingly think about it often and try to coach myself through those moments. Obviously I’ve decided the marriage is worth saving and I’m happy in my decision most of the time. However, I must say that knowledge of his long-term committment to another woman while he was supposed to be raising our family and focusing on us is hard to swollow. The story, I’ve been married to him for 34 years, not blissful but happy enough. We have two grown children, 33 and 30, each has children of their own. This is important because it lays out the timeline. While I was pregnant with our 30 year old, my husband got a new job after we relocated to a new area, we were so excited to finally be heading toward stability, or so I thought! His new job had him sharing an office with a woman, she too was married with 6 children, most of them grown as she is 18 years older than me. In retrospect I should have been watchful of the situation particularly since they began to “ride to work” together shortly after meeting one another. I never occured to me that he would cheat and yet here he was with a perfect opportunity, She and I became fast friends and we spent every weekend having dinner parties and planning fantastic vacations as two married couples often do. To sum it up, their affair started when our son was 6 weeks old and did not end until he graduated from high school! 18-years, are you kidding me, that’s not an affair it’s a full on relationship. I found out through a note sent to me by her husband and for 2 years he denied it saying he would never touch her as she was old and I (at the time) was young and beautiful, so I believed him, for a time. Although somewhere in the back of my mind the fact that they never called or came over anymore really tipped the scales for me. How could a best friend of mine suddenly fall off the face of the earth at the very same time her husband told me. The answer is, it was all true and it took me 2 years to confront the issue. I know I will never be the same, I try to move on with my life, but I’ve got to say I question my decision often. Not because I don’t still love him, yes unbelievable as it may sound I do love him, but rather can I continue to struggle for something out of my control? I find myself in a battle of my resolve to stay and sorrow as a result of staying. The pain runs very deep and recovery to this point has been unbelievably hard. I thought perhaps writting my story could, in some small measure, help me continue to cope.

  3. I have just discoverd accidentally that my husband of 15 years has had an affair with someone he met on line for the last 18 months. He has spoken to her everyday up to the point I found out and met 2/3 times a month. I have a 7 year old and a 10 year old daughter. He is begging and pleading for my forgiveness but I don’t know what to do. Also my dad has just been diagnosed with liver cancer. I am a wreck

  4. My husband has had a on and off affair for 4 years.
    We had a child and for a few years after my libido was so low..
    I do take responsibility for this… not dealing with this in a logical way..

    i put off sex.. or wasnt into it..
    I told my best friend,she was there at my son’s birth-always there for us.

    WELL,

    for four years , she has been having sex with my husband.

    now that I know.. My husband seems remorseful and says it is over.
    I want to believe him so bad, because I hae neer loved someone this much..

    We are trying to repair… only time will tell.

    Sidenote.. Ihad found out later, this “friend” had also slept with my previous boyfriend. ((GAH!))

    Also, apart that really hurts.. my husband had made a comment defending her early on, that she was “damaged” meaning…nobody understands her..she was sexually assaulted when she was young..

    This makes me upset because .. so was I. Just no one cared to ask- and I never offered the information.

    However, the guy who rapped me in a parking garage stairwell.. didnt hurt me as much as my husband and O.W did.

  5. Thank you for your comments – I think part of the process of recovering from an affair is being honest about it. Write about it, talk about it — but try not to drown in it! There’s a balance between healthy grieving, and getting lost in a sea of regret, bitterness, and even hatred.

    I think recovering from an affair that lasted a long time is more difficult than a one night stand, but others say a betrayal is a betrayal.

  6. It is not just men who do this; my wife did it to me for 2.5 years. I swallowed it whole for 13 years from when she told me because my children were young but am now ready to face and deal with it.

  7. Hi. I will be married to my husband (2nd) 24 years this August. But it hasn’t been a “real marriage” for maybe 4 years, probably more than that.
    About a year and a half ago my husband’s long term affair blew wide open. I had suspicions, but he lied, called me crazy, jealous etc. When he refused to sleep with me and was out till all hours of the night, I begged him to go to counseling with me. He refused saying he was perfectly happy.
    Bottom line, his mistress(married herself for 28 years) called me and told me he bought a gun to kill me and her husband because they were so in love! Police involved, my mother in law knew about the affair and became “buddies” with his mistress! I was so depressed and distraught I had a suicide attempt. The man I gave all my love, 16 yrs of my life, the man who swore I was the love of my life didn’t exist.
    Ps- while I was in the hospital he went to court to fight a restraining order she and her husband put on him.
    So now, after marriage counseling, personal therapy and a clearer mind, I am still here. We do not sleep together, we are separate people who used to have a marriage or maybe I was fooled.
    At the beginning he asked for forgiveness maybe twice. Refused to do any work to help me thru this pain. So after me trying on my own, I withdrew all my emotions towards him.
    He still thinks I’m staying but he won’t accept I’m done! I have a move out date set for six months. I’m moving to California from NJ. The further away from his lies and betrayal the better!
    I’m not even filing for divorce(he never keeps a job) because he says he wi sue me for alimony! What a loser!
    Just so you know, I am beautiful, smart, have a great career (I’m a nurse) and I would rather be alone then be with a narcissist, user!

    So my answer is no, I will not forgive a long term affair! It’s pathetic when he says it was a mistake! A mistake is an oops, not almost two years of planning and deceiptfulness! I’m not even angry anymore, he is pathetic. By the way, his mistress is very wealthy. I guess he thought he found a bigger, better, gravy train!
    Good luck to him. The older he gets, his charm is wearing away with his age!

  8. My husband had an affair nearly 6 years ago that I forgave him for. But more recently, I found them together & he confessed that he had never stopped seeing her all of these years. I agree that a long term affair is so much harder to overcome. They actually have a better relationship than we do because she was all fun, while I lived with him & dealt with real life. He ended up leaving me & moved in with her for about a month. Then realized after he was living with her, that he wanted to be with me. So stupid me is giving him another chance. In that month he was gone, I realized that I don’t want to be alone & have to take care of myself. I was happy that he came home. But now I have to deal with overcoming this horrible nightmare. We are in marriage counseling & I’m hoping I can eventually get through this. It seems the lesser of two evils.

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