Is the pain of a break up worse when it’s done by email? Charlie’s wife ended their relationship over email; he offers tips on healing from the pain of an email break up.
“Hi, I’m a guy who is also going through emotional struggles,” says Charlie (not his real name) on How to Let Go of Someone You Love. “I was in a relationship for 13 years, married for 5, and found out that my wife had been cheating on me after the first 2 years of marriage. I tried to make things work. It happened again and I asked her to leave, but then tried to work things out with her. It’s been 8 months since she left me after sending me just an email, but I’m finally starting to heal a bit. The first months were quite harsh, the constant loops of depression, blaming myself, etc.”
I think healing from the pain of an email break up is worse than an in person break up…and I also think it’s a cowardly way to end a relationship!
Here are Charlie’s tips on coping with a break up that happens over email.
Healing From the Pain of an Email Break Up – A Man’s Perspective
To be honest, I still want her back. I guess I’m still guilty of dwelling on all the positives of the relationship, but I’ve tried to force myself to remember the negatives. It helps occasionally, but I don’t find it a positive way to heal myself. I don’t like using anger in that way either. If you’re healing from the pain of a break up (email or otherwise), it might help to remember the bad parts of the relationship and possible get angry. But, use that anger effectively, such as during exercise.
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Someone commented that men are wired differently than women. I agree to a certain extent, but have to say that I hope it wasn’t intended that all men desire sex over love. Personally, there is no value in sex if there isn’t a solid relationship based on love first. Love holds much more value.
Read self-help books
I was never the type to read self-help books, but it does help, so take the initiative and do it. Read some in a pleasant environment out of your house if you think you can control your tears. I mention some of the books I have read below.
One of the most popular books on healing after a break up – email or otherwise – is Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You.
Find a new space to be in
Occasionally remove yourself from the environment where you and your partner used to hang out most, such as the bedroom or living room. Perhaps stay with your friends, parents, or other family members. If you do this in long durations, it will truly help.
Share your feelings
Open up your most deepest feelings of pain with your friends/family even if you don’t think they are ready or willing to hear them. Sometimes, when they see how much pain you are suffering, they automatically realize that they need to support you rather than impose their opinions of you or your partner. It also helps them grow and mature their relationships.
Healing from an email break up can also involve sharing your pain online. For instance, the comments on How to Cope When Your Husband Leaves You for Another Woman can show you you’re not alone, and help you heal.
Focus on healthy activities
Exercise! Do things that you enjoy, like hiking, biking, cycling or starting a new sport.
Take some time to just sit and meditate. I used to go out for late night runs, and sit out under a clear night sky, close my eyes, and just trust the world to not harm me. It’s quite rewarding!
If you can’t sleep at night, something a very good friend told me to do was, “Let God take over the night shift.”
Stay connected to your friends
Meet up with a lot of friends, old and new, even if they are of the opposite gender. I’m not advising that you immediately look for a new relationship; instead, meet people of the opposite gender to almost survey them and all the different personalities, lifestyles, and perspectives. It can really be a growing experience.
Volunteer – formally or informally
Help others. When you take the time to help others, it can be a very positive distraction after an email breakup. You’ll feel good about yourself. You can help a friend move apartments, help at a religious group, food bank, or just be an ear to someone else in pain.
Think about your career
Re-evaluate your job. Perhaps it was the job that caused issues in your relationship, or it may have suppressed your confidence. Consider quitting, or taking a leave of absence. Remember, you only have a certain amount of time on this earth, and you are the only person that has full control of it!
Settle family issues
If you have troubles with immediate family, try to sort it out during this time of separation. An email breakup can help you bring it all out in the open. A good book to read is Family Ties That Bind: A Self-Help Guide to Change Through Family of Origin Therapy by Dr. Ronald Richardson. Another book that might help is The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
Remember the Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
– Reinhold Niebuhr
Accept that it takes time to heal from an email break up
Make sure you know that the healing process is a slow one that you can only do it at your own pace. The first months after the break up will be very intense, but don’t ever give up. Don’t think that it is taking too long, take your time and don’t let people push you in to doing things that don’t jive with your inner self. At the same time though, be open to new things if they pose no harm.
I hope you all well in the future and that the universe rewards us all with lessons of growth and happiness.
For more tips on healing from a breakup – email or otherwise – read Starting Over After Your Relationship Ends – 8 Tips for New Beginnings.
And, I welcome your thoughts and comments on healing from an email breakup below.