Acceptance is the healthiest way to get over a breakup. If you accept your relationship is over, you’re free to move into a happier stage of life.
“We create our own suffering when we fight change,” writes Christopher Germer in The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. “Mindfulness is a special type of awareness that can keep us anchored safely in our bodies when the going gets tough. It can grow into a way of life that protects us from unnecessary suffering.”
In this article, I’ll describe how to get over a break up through mindfulness. If you’re not comfortable with accepting that your relationship is over, read Should You Try to Get Your Ex Back? 16 Questions to Ask Yourself.
Getting Over a Break Up and Accepting That It’s Over
Six years ago, my sister told me she never wanted to speak to me again. We didn’t have an argument, and I didn’t do anything “wrong” to her. She couldn’t articulate why she didn’t want me in her life. To make a long story short: we had a very insecure childhood (schizophrenic mother, foster homes), and she started pulling away from me when I, as an adult, moved to Africa for three years.
Every day, I struggle with accepting the end of that relationship. What I’ve learned about how to get over a break up can help you deal with your own loss – especially if you learn mindfulness and self-compassion.
Accept the unanswered questions
What did I do wrong? How could I have been a better, more giving person in my relationship? Should I have acted differently, chosen different words?
You may never learn the answers to these questions. After six years, I’ve come to accept that not only is my relationship with my sister over, but I may never know what happened to end it. To get over a break up, you need to accept that there are questions you may never have the answers to.
Treat yourself gently
Whether or not the break up was your fault, you need to treat yourself with compassion, kindness, and love. I don’t believe it was my fault that my sister cut me out of her life, but I still beat myself up about it every day. I’m learning how to replace my self-blame with love for myself. Instead of obsessing about why she left, I’m learning to focus on the relationships I still have.
If you want to know how to get over a break up, you need to stop obsessing about your ex and what you did wrong in your relationship. Instead, you need to accept that it’s over…and maybe the end of your relationship is the best thing that could have happened to you.
Take a close look at yourself
Count yourself lucky if your ex told you the reasons for the break up! I wish I knew what led my sister to end our relationship. Not having closure is one of the unhealthiest, most damaging aspects of a broken relationship – and it’s a serious obstacle to getting over a break up.
If you know why your ex ended your relationship, then you can decide if there are things about your personality and life you need to change. Maybe your ex is right, and you do need to work on the issues in your life. Or, maybe the break up has nothing to do with you. Maybe your ex needed to move on, for reasons that are solely based on him or her.
Part of taking a close look at yourself is being brutally honest. If you’re facing the dirtiest, blackest parts of your soul and personality, then you need to practice self-compassion and self-love. That’s where mindfulness comes in, and how mindfulness can help you get over a break up.
For more tips on accepting your relationship is over, read 5 Steps to Grieving the End of a Love Relationship.
What do you think – how will you get over the break up?