How to Forgive and Trust Him After He Cheated on You
He Cheated on You - Can You Forgive and Trust Him?
These tips for forgiving and trusting him – your husband or boyfriend – after he cheated on you will help you reconnect, rebuild, and renew your marriage.
“He cheated on me with his coworker, who has since left the company,” says L. on Is Your Marriage Over? “How do I forgive him after the fair? I can’t look at him, much less let him touch me. How do I trust him after he cheated on me? I want to forgive and move on but it’s so hard.”
Here’s what a marriage counselor says about cheating:
“It’s best to come clean as early as possible,” says Gary Neuman. “Be honest with your partner when you’re just beginning to become interested in someone else.”
If your husband or boyfriend is hiding his affair from you – or trying to make you feel crazy for thinking he cheated – then forgiveness and trust will be MUCH more difficult. But if he’s honest about why and when he cheated, you might find trusting him again easier.
Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity is very helpful book for forgiving and trusting after an affair.
And here are a few more tips for saving your marriage…
How to Forgive and Trust Him After He Cheated on You
If you’re coping with an online affair, read How to Survive an Internet Affair.
Remember that forgiving and trusting after an affair does not happen overnight
Learning to trust again after a betrayal such as an physical or emotional affair doesn’t happen once, nor does it happen overnight. Rebuilding trust is a process that involves ups and downs – even if you’re the most forgiving person in the world!
You will eventually learn to trust him after he cheated on you — but you have to work on it. And he’ll have to earn your trust.
Realize that whether you can forgive and trust depends on what you can live with
You need to decide if you’re willing to live with your boyfriend or husband as he is — because some people never change. You can try to support your partner through the worst parts of marriage – and it’s especially effective when both of you are equally commited!
But if both partners aren’t willing to work towards forgiving and trusting after cheating, then you need to accept your marriage for what it is…and not expect more.
Prepare for a lot of hard work
There aren’t any easy answers after a physical or emotional affair. It takes time, effort, and energy to build a healthy strong marriage that includes forgiveness and trust. You need to be honest about your needs, and know from the bottom of your heart that you can trust him not to cheat on you again.
If you need something that he can’t give you, then you have to decide how to meet your needs.
Remember that men and women perceive affairs differently
Remember that men think physical affairs are worse, and women feel emotional infidelity is more upsetting, according to a study in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. This seems to hold true in “real life”, too.
One of my friends’ husbands had a physical and emotional affair with her best friend, and she said it was so difficult to forgive and trust him again — but they held it together. She said saving her marriage would have been easier if it was “only” a physical affair. But he was in love with her best friend.
If you’re trying to forgive and trust after an emotional affair, read Tips for Surviving Emotional Infidelity.
Know that “happily ever after” DOES exist!
I believe in happily ever after — but I know that it take effort, energy, time, and commitment. It’s hard enough building a happy marriage when nobody cheated, but forgiving and trusting after he cheated on you is super duper difficult.
That said, however, it is possible to build a better marriage. And your marriage may be stronger, happier, and healthier because he cheated! Many relationships are stronger because of infidelity – and the couples DO live happily ever after.
Remember that love isn’t just about saying “I love you”
In fact, that’s the easiest, laziest part of love! Anyone can say “I love you.” Real, committed, healthy, romantic love is about how you treat each other, whether you respect one another’s wishes, if you can talk about your problems, if you’re emotionally and spiritually connected, and if you have the same goals for the future.
Accept that the occasional romantic fascination or attraction for other people is normal
Instead of fighting your feelings or attraction to another person, accept how you feel. It’s OKAY to be attracted to other people, even if you’re married. But, acting on those feelings of attraction can destroy a marriage and lead to divorce.
If want to save your marriage, talk to a marriage counselor
For marriage help from a counselor and author, read The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman — he’s currently writing a book about women who aren’t faithful.
I also wrote an article describing Neuman’s thoughts on infidelity, called Why Men Cheat.
Links for Reconnecting and Love
What do you think of these tips for forgiving and trusting him after he cheated on you? Comments welcome below…
Category: Emotional Affairs, Love, Physical Affairs, Reconnections
