How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship? One Step at a Time
Leaving an Abusive Relationship Takes Courage and Faith
Though it seems like it should be easy to leave an abusive relationship, it’s not. Many women struggle to leave men who abuse – including women who have achieved the heights of fame and success, such as Elizabeth Gilbert.
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men,” writes Gilbert in Eat Pray Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy. “I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”
Are you with a man you think could be great – but who actually abuses you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Get help! Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans.
And, here are five suggestions for leaving emotionally pr physically abusive relationships.
How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship?
Here’s a comment from a reader who is tired of being abused…
“I’M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!” she writes. “I’m finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he choked me). I’ve tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I’ve booked my flight and accommodation. I don’t have a job on the other side but, I’ll figure something out. I’m outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I’m no longer going to be nervous or scared to offend that guy.”
Are you ready to replace “I can’t, I’m helpless, or I’m scared” with “I’m doing it!!!”?
Get out of the city
Sometimes the only way to deal with spousal abuse is to move clear across the country. It’s definitely not fair – and very painful – that you have to leave your family, friends, job, and the life you have…but moving away may be the only way to stop abuse and protect yourself and your kids.
Take one step at a time
Don’t get overwhelmed with the whole picture (get a home, a job, new friends, furniture for my new place, etc etc etc) — because it’s completely overwhelming! Instead, focus on the first step: figuring out where you will go. Then, get your stuff packed up – or leave your stuff there, and start over with new stuff (buying secondhand furniture, clothes, and stuff for the house is inexpensive and easy!). When you’re leaving an unhealthy relationship, you have to take it one step at a time.
Focus on building resiliency
How well do you bounce back from problems? That’s your “bouncebackability factor”, or resilience. The easier it is for you to bounce back from problems and setbacks, the healthier and stronger you’ll be. If you aren’t resilient – you tend to let problems get the best of you – then leave me a comment in the comments section below, and I’ll do my best to help!
Focus on why you’re leaving the relationship
Push everything else aside, and focus on how destructive the mental abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse is. Don’t fall into Elizabeth Gilbert’s old habit of counting on your husband or boyfriend’s potential for change. How has he has acted in the past? That’s likely how he’ll act in the future. Let his abuse be your motivation – not a blanket of shame that suffocates and paralyzes you.
If you think that perhaps he can change, you may find Is It Too Late to Repair Your Relationship? A Few Signs helpful.
Protect your kids from their own future abusive relationships
Research shows that many women stay with physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive partners because of their children. These mothers believe they’re doing the right thing for their kids by staying in the bad relationship. Solveig Vatnar is a researcher and psychologist who at the University of Oslo who found that children are harmed by witnessing violence between their parents. Plus, kids who see one parent being abused by the other are at a higher risk for ending up in abusive relationships themselves.
Leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship is difficult…but it’s not impossible! When you’re ready, you can do it. For more insight into domestic violence, read The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away.
Abuse isn’t your fault, and you didn’t do anything to deserve it. Something is wrong with your partner — not you.
For tips on leaving a man who threatens you, read When Your Partner Threatens Suicide If You Leave – What to Do.
I welcome your experiences and thoughts on leaving physically and emotionally abusive relationships below. It can help to share your story and see you are not alone.
IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, PLEASE GET HELP FROM THE
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPLINE 1-800-799-7233.
I CAN’T GIVE PERSONAL COUNSELING OR ADVICE.
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
I have known my husband for 28 years and have been married for 23 of those years.
After he seemingly rescused myself and my two young children from a drunken abusive marriage. In the beginning he was everything I was looking for. Yes, I chose to dismiss and ignore those early red flags and that nagging feeling in the back of my mind something about him was amiss.
When in the beginng I believed what was sweet he wanted to know of my every movement and protective when he would carefully screen each preson that I had contact with. Believed it wasn’t my money – that idea was just not neccesary- it was our money. Yet when we bought anything -it was in his name only.
I could go on recounting the incidents one by one as the years went by.
But I will say I did leave. And I returned. I have repeated this pattern several times and for one reason or another I have always returned. The last time I came back I decided if this time he doesn’t live up to his word that the verbal, mental, and emotional had ceased I would leave for good this time.
I see and feel the scars that he and my first husband have left on me. I know I’m a little bit older and I sure with a bit of some type of treatment or therapy I will start to understand the whys of allowing myself to be treated like this and continually coming back for more.
Good luck to all reading this and finding themselves in a relationship
that leaves you with scars.
In my situation I am currently no longer with my abusive boyfriend. My question always was are you able to move on forward with the guy who has abused you? My ex had stopped being abusive for about a year now, but then again we weren’t as close anymore. He has stopped because he knows what he had done was wrong and should never do anything like that. I have loved him for a very long time and we have and amazing memories together. But I am not sure if I can move on from all of the hurt I endured. We were together for 2 years and throughout we always had problems, but we grew together as well. Because of my history with him and all of the things shared I always wonder if we should be together, then all of the bad things pop up and I hate it and can’t move past it. But again my question is is someone able to move on with the person who abused you? I know that we should all forgive one another but I can’t seem to forget even if I do love him.
To Jane, Betty, Sammi, Glenda, Lilly, Nicole, Angel, Pamela, Ann….
I am so sorry to hear that you’re involved in an abusive relationship — but so glad that you’re here, sharing your stories and reaching out for help!
Please call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline — I listed the number and website above. I can’t do anything or offer personal advice or tips on leaving an abusive relationship. I don’t have the expertise or resources to give you the help you need.
Remember that abuse is NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn’t do anything to deserve it — it’s your partner who is wrong and at fault. You deserve to live in peace, happiness, and security.
Do yourself a favor: call the National Abuse Helpline. Give yourself the gift of help, support, guidance, and hope for the future!!!
Do it today, and tell me how it went, okay? I can be here to listen and read your comments, but I just can’t give you personal advice or counseling.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi, I have used a fake name as I would like to be anonymous. I have just recently turned 18 & my boyfriend is also 18. We have been together for 15 months and although he hasn’t put his hands on me for a while I would like to share my story… I met him last year and we instantly got along, I have always had trouble in relationships getting cheated on and verbally abused, but I think that comes from my upbringing and how my father is towards me, he is an alcoholic and he occasionally gets violent & is constantly putting me down calling me a fat c&*t etc, I used to be a size 8 and in the past 2 years I have become a size 10-12 and he constantly tells me how fat I am and I am already so self conscious, he has also told me to go kill myself before (My father) I live with him so its hard because he drinks most of the time and I don’t have anywhere to go when he does because I ring my boyfriend at 2 am begging him to let me go to his house and stay to get away from it but he just gets angry at me and yells because he says he doesn’t know what to do and just tells me to go to sleep. At the start of the year my boyfriend and I had a big fight and he shoved me in front of all our friends and on the street, I then retaliated (This was the first time he put his hands on me) because in no way was I going to let ANY man belittle me like that, and I started screaming at him and hit him then I walked away and his friends held him back because he ran after me and they thought he was going to hurt me. We had another fight a few weeks later where he grabbed me by the back of the head and slammed my face into the dirt so hard that I literally ate a mouthful of dirt. He yells at me all the time and screams and calls me a dumb b***h and a stupid cunt and a mongrel. He has strangled me, held a knife to my throat twice and nearly killed me, he has threatened to kill me on numerous occasions even in front of his mum and she did not say anything she just comforted him while I was crying and slitting my wrists in the other room she then came in and said in a very rude tone “Turn the light off I’m the one who has the pay the bill around here” And walked away. He has grabbed me more times than I can count and left me in bed for days not being able to move because he hurt my shoulder and arm so badly. I sometimes find finger mark bruises on myself and when people ask me what its from I make excuses. The reason he chocked me and hit me is because I threw a water bottle at him (And missed) because he was verbally and emotionally abusing me, then he ran at me. I’m pretty positive that he has skitzophrenia, (no I am NOT making excuses for him) but I have grown up seeing it and I know exactly what it is and the way that he acts seems like he has it, he tells me that he hears voices in his head telling him to do bad stuff but he wont go and get himself tested for it. I often fear for my life as he blames everything on me, he says “YOUR going to make me kill you one day” “See what YOU made me do” “Its all your fault” Every time Im crying my eyes out begging him for forgiveness saying sorry even though I know it isnt my fault. It is so hard because I see the good in him and these incidents have only happened a few times, he has changed alot and I am not saying that he isnt going to do it again because he probably will, but he hasnt for months and I stay because I pray that he will change and fix himself even though he says sorry every single time straight away when he calls me names and its always the same shit. I have severe depression & anxiety as well and have had it since I was 12 and am meant to be on prozac for it, but have been off them for a year. All my family lives across the country including my mum so its hard because I have no where to go and since being with him have no friends because Im not aloud to do anything. I want everyone out there to know how hard it really is to be in an abusive relationship and leave. I pray for my life sometimes and I wonder if he actually will kill me. Its so hard because all I think in my mind is one day it will get to the point where it will be a murder suicide, he will shoot me then shoot himself because of what hes done. I dont know what the *&^%$ to do. But Im not writing my story for sympathy, Im writing my story because I want every female out there to know that if you are in an abusive relationship you need to get out before you can! It will start of verbal, and every single time he has done something to me it has gotten worse, started of with a shove, then my face in the dirt, name calling, then knife to my throat telling me he is going to kill me because Im so depressed I always feel like killing myself and he said “I will do it for you held a huge knife to me then i could see it took everything for him not to do it and that scared the shit out of me. I often wonder whats next and how long I have left. Its so hard to leave and Im just praying that he really has changed forever because I know he has now but I want it to stay this way. I guess what im trying to say is it will never get better, its just going to get worse. And once they have that control over you, you will find it so hard to leave most women dont leave their abusive relationship until they end up dead. I wish I could save every girl out there going through this heartache because I truly know how much of a heartache it is, even watching videos on it and realizing oh my god, my boyfriend does that, I cry all the time and I think I just need to be saved.
I can’t handle this any more! I want out! What do I need to do to leave? I have no place to go, no car or friends or family that will/can help! But I do have a part-times job!PLEASE HELP!! & May GOD Bless us all-
I’m not sure if you’re here anymore, but I’d like some advice.
I’ve got a friend that I used to be romantically involved with… bad thing is, Im terrified of saying a word against him incase he hits me. He’s never actually HIT me, but I’m largely dependant on his approval and comfort (though he doesn’t give me any these days), and I’m scared of him. What am I supposed to do?
It does help to know we are not alone. I guess this happens to almost every one of us.. ): My bf sucks!!
Hi. I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year and we have been living together for 6 months now. I have cheated on him so I lost his trust. We have been argued often about that. We also separated once and then we got back together. I don’t have any other man now but he just alway think that Im still cheating on him. Only one thing that Ive done now is I like to go on chat room but only chat I don’t want to go out with them as I love my boyfriend so much. The reason I’ve done that is just to get away from the pain when we argued as my boyfriend alway ignore me when we argue. And the other night, he wanted to look at my phone but I didn’t let him too because I don’t want him to see that I am on chatroom. Then he was so angry with me and last night he told me that he going to move out tonight. What can I do to get him back? I love him so much. I also confused as my girlfriends say he is not a man for me, he is a loser. He also using drug sometimes but he said he stopped using that because I asked him to. I don’t believe that. What should I do?
Hello this webstie seems to be taking off and i am sorry to hear about all these woman but it also helps to know i am not alone i know at time i can be a bi but i feel like i am really stuck i have left a couple times befor but always come back i have really no stable home to go to with my son and I need to take my son whom is in school and two dogs i can’t bear to leave them but i have no car and no help i’ve been with man since i was seventeen i got with him because he had his shi together a job and other kids i got preg. of course but now i am 25 and no eduacatoin no job is allowed i should be home taking care of kids i was able to talk him into letting me help at a family shop while kids are in school i have no friends we have gotten physical in the past but now its really the things said or not said at all he gets mad if we dont have sex but i can’t evan enjoy it nemore with him everytime he touches me all i think of is all the horrable things he’s said to hurt me ihave never been alone or on my own and have no clue how to do it or where to start the paragaph on the top seems easy but i’m sure its not i really don’t know why i am writing all this i guess it helps to get it out THANKS
Hi, My name is Glenda and I am 24 years old. My boyfriend that I am in love with has issues with abusing me mentally, physically, and verbally. I’ve been with him for three years on and off but mostly on. We have been through a lot and recently I think I am seeing a change in him. He always makes promises but never keeps them. This year he left me for three months, those three months I was the most scared and lonely I have ever been in my life. This year 2011; me being weak minded took “x” for the first time in my life because I felt depressed and lonely. All I wanted was for the pain to go away. My bf has kicked me, pushed me, bitten me, you name it. I’ve done the same. I never back down. Also, it started by him breaking my things for example, expensive cell phone, my glasses, my curling irons, my I.D card, mac makeup, vehicle ect ect. Pretty much things I use everyday and need. I think he drove me to the point were I became crazy, I was never like this. & look at me now posting this blog @ 3:02am. He literally got me to that point and he involves his mom to much, which only makes things worst. My family used to love him but now everyone does not like him. This year during these past 2 months things have been changing, we have never been so close and happy I think it’s because of the last major break up we had. It opened up both our eyes. We were living together and we didn’t even last 2 months. Like the saying goes, “I can’t live with you but, I can’t live with out you.” lol I told him we were not ready but did not listen… One night I was so angry at him that I got drunk with my sister at a bar. He hates that so I did it intentionally to get him mad. Anyway, I got home around 2:30 am that night and there he is angry standing up in front of the door waiting for me, starts tearing off my clothes. Fighting begins, he calls his mom, I get kicked out of the house, everything blamed on me, my mom rescues me and prohibits me for ever seeing him again. Everyone had enough, even the most supportive one of them all towards my relationship, my mom <3… Now, my bf sees how he took me for granted, he still blames it on me for blowing up on his mom but hey a person can only take so much and I'm sorry that, that night I burst-ted into flames. Always making fun of me or saying little comments that I snapped. After that night everything was a mess.. Did not know what to do.. Things are better now. I truly hope God lets us keep this love we have going on right now forever, everything seems better, we argue about things but not like before.. I just hope I am not being stupid and naive. I am really deeply in love with my bf he tells me the same thing everyday. He says I am the most beautiful thing that has happened to him in his life and that we both opened up our eyes for a better future. I don't know why but I believe him.
I am 23 yrs of age, my relationship has been just ova fyv years now…. & ive been thru it all. i have walked, left and done it but i just end up back to square one, why do i always believe he will change? is it cos hes my kids father??? ive had a lot of support throughout, i reali want to be this strong women but i just fynd it so hard to believe ders more to me and my life alone, he doesnt respect me, he has the worst vile mouth ever and his actions in the past havent been the greatest… i reali wish i cud jus switch off…. i knw i dont need him, i have even accepted this is how its always going to be but i just cant seem to tear myself away..! i want more for my kids and myself i just need this willpower to do so. any advice ??
I left an abusive marriage about ten years ago. My ex was mostly verbally abusive (the type of man who literally NOTHING was ever quite perfect enough for, he would encourage our kids to mock me, make me walk behind him on the street, verbally harangue me for hours – you name it), although at times physically abusive as well. In our entire 16 years of marriage he never showed me one ounce of respect, even going so far as to remark when he got life insurance that there was “no point” in getting life insurance on me because I was worthless. He is also supremely manipulative. I left the marriage with virtually nothing, despite the fact (or maybe because of it) that he is a Philadelphia lawyer. What has been difficult is that nearly everyone in my family, which has a history of women being verbally and physically abused and seems to find it acceptable behavior, has taken his side. Despite the fact that my friends and my oldest daughter (she saw the abuse first hand) have been supportive, the fact that my family has virtually deserted me has been tough. Do you have any suggestions?
I have been married for 30 years and am now 51 my son is 29 and I got out of a bad emotional relationship, he followed me and I continued to live on my own. but my son had an accident which rendered him with a severe brain injury he has a beautiful 2 yr old daughter…and a mortgage on a half built house…his ex left him after 11 years. He had a massive brain clot after a fall and could not walk talk use his bodily functions..I had to move in with my x in order to care for my son whom I love unconditionally. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 15 yrs ago and am back in college one full day a week…Now my x is always angry as he always used be, but was good until I gave in to him…I had to move back to the family home and now he is watching my every move I cant go into the abuse but it was mental, Sexual, emotional and financial I have pain all over my body because I am in demand from him my very damaged son and my grandaughter 2 days every week I love them all but know if I stay and be the good wife, mother grandmother I will suffer…how do I leave a son that needs me so much, He is in physio and speech therepy and I have to be there for him…I feel suicidal..and desperate Help????????My siblings believe he, my husband is charasmatic and a very quite man.I tried to tell them but they told me they look to him as a father as I was the mother figure of my 5 brothers….
hi I am being abused emotionally phycaly and mentally I have 4 kids with this guy and have been with him on and off for the last 8 yrs I am 25 yrs old I want to leave him but I have no money I have no where to go and I am scared that I will not be able to cope with 4 kids under 8 on my own I have a car and no how to drive just like everyone else but am only on my learners everything in my house apart from 1 tv I bought myself when we were not together if I leave where do I go with what money no licence ? Its hard to walk away without all of my things aswell as I worked so hard to get them and took me so long to get what I have but I can’t afford to take it all with me as I have no way of doing it my kids think their dad is grate even though he is not thay sometimes see the abuse and I hate it because thay now think it is normal when I no its not thay r all girls and I hate that thay very well will except its ok for this to happen to them my mother was in an abusive relationship and still is and when I was younger I used to say I would never do that to my kids or my self but I have , I have Tryd to leave once but he wouldn’t let me take my kids I left for maybe 10 mins cos I couldn’t just walk out on them as thay r my life I don’t no what to do or how to get out and really need some help thanks
Well my mom got remarried when I was around 8 and once she finally married my stepdad, he started acting how he really is. He emotionally abuses my mom, brother and me for around 7 years. I am 15 today and he caught my brother with workout supplements in his room and punched my brother in the face. He was bleeding everywhere. He’s hit mom mom many of times but whenever my older brother tries to tell him to stop he yells at my brother and threatens him. Yesterday he choked me, hit me in the face then pushed me on the concrete. I don’t fight back because he used to take steroids and is big. I already have planned out my friend who I will live with and their parents are ok with it too. The only thing stopping me from leaving is my mom. She will be trapped their with him and I don’t want him to hurt her because I ran away. I do not want to contact police. And my mom talks about wanting to leave but never follows through with it and says she doesn’t kno what to do with the animals. We have 6 dogs. But I am really tired of being treated like shit and told that I’m worthless and threatened almost everyday by this pysco path. Oh and my real father is dead that’s why I can’t live with him. What should I do? Please help me
I’ve been with a man for 5 yrs and we are married. Last mothers day I went to his phone and discovered numerous sexual texts from other men. Along with some sex chat line number for man on his phone. He has been mentally and physically abuse since early in the relationship. He drinks. I’ve been kicked(i was bothering him, so he pushed me out ofbed and kicked me in the back and head for a couple mins, the blanket was around me so ‘he didnt realize it was hurting me’), pushed, punched, choked, shankin, and thrown… i weight 94 lbs and am 5’1 , he weights 190 and is 6’2. He scares me but him being around makes me feel so safe. I know I need to end this and I kicked him out, but it’s only been a short span of time and Im shaking because I don’t like to be alone. I have a five yr old so I’m ok until he goes to bed. Then the emptiness seeps into my soul and I need love. I know I should’nt call him, but I dont know how not to… He’s very handsome and cunning like a sociapath so… I seem to be hopeless smitten, even though I’m unhappy and need to change this situation
Dear Ashley,
Yes, your relationship is abusive!
Here’s an article that will help you see how much he’s abusing you:
What is a Healthy Relationship? 5 Signs of Real Love
What do you think you should do? Are you ready to leave him?
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Nicole,
In order to leave your abusive relationship once and for all, you need to eat a piece of humble pie. Let your friend help you — and remember that you will return the favor one day! Your friend will need you to help her, or another friend will need help with a major life situation.
It’ll be like having a roommate for a couple of months, while you get back on your feet. I bet you’ll have your electric bill paid off sooner than you think — it might be good to take any job you can while you get back on your feet financially. Then, when things are stable, you can look for a job that you’re educated for and want to do.
In friendship and life, sometimes we need help. Other times we’re the strong ones and we give help. Right now, you need to let your friend be a friend – because that’s what she really wants to do – and accept her offer.
I wish you all the best, and hope you can leave the relationship once and for all!
Blessings,
Laurie
Dear Laura,
My advice is to trust your gut instinct and STAY broken up! Your boyfriend won’t get less abusive as time goes by. Your relationship will become more abusive, and it’ll be more difficult to leave him when you have a child.
To make sure you don’t have any custody problems, write down every instance of physical and emotional abuse. Write down the dates, times, and what exactly he did. Save all the text messages, emails, and voice mail messages.
And, call the National Domestic Violence hotline and ask for help. I don’t know the specifics about how to protect yourself — they are the experts who can help you leave that abusive man once and for all!
Remember that the longer you stay with him, the harder it is to leave. Do everything you can to stay away from him — be strong and courageous.
Blessings,
Laurie
Blessings,
Laurie
I just left an emotionally abusive relationship for the 4th time. I don’t know why I keep going back to him. I think it’s because he never allowed me to work when we were together and so when I leave, I freak out about money and then go back to him. I am SO TIRED of the cycle of me allowing this to continue to happen to me. I have lived at the YWCA twice and may go back there. However, I can’t imagine living in a shelter again. A friend offered for me to stay with her but I feel so embarrassed about not having any money right now that I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not. I totally feel like I am loosing my mind! I am educated and worked in the past before I met him. I ALWAYS had a job. But, the economy crumbled and then I met my abuser. Now I’m past due on even my electric bill! So, I can’t even get an apartment until that is paid off! I do not want to keep going back to him! I can’t imagine going back to him again and putting not just myself, but my family threw more anguish! PLEASE, PLEASE give me some advise…. I just don’t know what to do, I feel sooooo lost!
Thank You!
Nicole
I moved across the country for my boyfriend of 2 years and we’ve been living together for a year now. I always wonder if our relationship is abusive because everything always gets spun around to be my fault, he calls me horrible names whenever we fight even though I’ve asked him countless times not to use those words to describe any woman. If I make any mistake it’s literally the end of the world and he loses his temper, punches walls, screams at me, throws things… I get scared sometimes when he acts like that. He’s never touched me but I’ve honestly also been treated that poorly by someone who loves me… Also, he gets mad if I work too much but even more mad if I don’t have a job. He has to approve of everything before I make a decision. I’ve had to cut friends out of my life because he felt threatened. And when I first moved in with him, he basically controlled me because if money… Any advice?
I have been with my current partner for 4 years now and I have 2 children from my ex husband, they are 10 and 11 years old, my partner has always liked to have a few glasses of wine when he got home from work, which was never a problem, oh yeah forgot to mention that myself and boys moved in with my partner about 3 years ago, about 3 months into us living together things started to change, he became very abusive, towards myself and boys, and we would then argue, never in front of the kids, but the kids could always hear as we live in a bungalow, my partner in 2009 hit me and broke my ribs, I never reported it however I did speak to my ex husband whom then reported it to the police, mt partner was arrested and kept in a cell over night and was given a caution, all was ok for a while, then things started to change again, my partner would not let my boys have friends around to stay or play, which to me there was never a problem and when I did agree to my boys having a friend round my partner would either hit me or start an argument my partner drinking has got totally out of control, he blames me and my boys for the amount he drinks, he gets through about 4 liters of vodka a week, he says he does not have a problem, he blames work, and life for his addiction, I have left him twice and come back twice, I feel totally trapped and isolated, and I want to leave him for good this time
i am 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend roughly 6 months. when we first got together he was extremely paranoid and starting to become possessive of me. we took a break and he promised to change and i took him back, i found out 4 weeks ago i am pregnant, and since then he has threatened to hit me, has tried to stop me seeing my friends and has become more paranoid of me cheating on him. I am breaking up with him but am scared about the child and the lengths he will go to to get custody etc of him/her. i know i am not going to put up with him anymore but I dont know what rights he has with the child, and not sure I am strong enough to not take him back if he starts coming round my mums etc to try and get me back. it is hard to focus on the bad things he has said to me, when he can be such a manipulative person. just thought id ask for some advice
Hi there. Im in a abusive relationship both physically and mentally, its soo hard for me to leave. When we are happy (not fighting) I could never leave, I get teh urge whenever we fight but I know that I will miss what its liek when were not fighting. But really I am walking on eggshells every day never knowing whats going to set him off, even if I take “too” long to say good night to the kids, he gets pretty upset. Or if my one son who is only 2 says goodnight mom and not dad than that starts a big fight. Its very hard to deal with never knowing whats gonna upset him, Ive become a very silent person. I do not go out much, and the car I bought Im usually not able to use, he does. He has such a hold of me but yet I cant leave. I am one of those woman who doesnt want to leave because of my children, they love him soo much and we are a very tight family other than what happens behind closed doors, and I couldnt imagine seperating them at such a young age too.
Thanks, Laura, for your encouragement for women stuck in an abusive relationship! It’s great to hear how you left, and how happy you are now.
If anyone wants to contact Laura to get personal support, please leave a comment here. I’ll privately email her your email address, and your comment or question for her.
I wish I could help every woman leave an abusive relationship, but all I can do is urge you to reach out to the resources in your community. I can’t offer personal counseling or advice. The best way to get support to leave is to call social services, a church, even a school — just start making calls! You WILL find the right people to help you leave, but you have to make the first move. And the second move, and the third one…it’s really hard to leave an emotionally or physically abusive relationship BUT YOU CAN DO IT.
Also, try to find women who have survived abuse and left their abusers, like Laura. Surround yourself with strong, healthy women who know what you’re going through. They know your relationship from the inside out, and can make a big difference in your journey out.
I wish you all the best, and welcome you to keep telling your stories here.
Blessings,
Laurie