How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship? One Step at a Time
Leaving an Abusive Relationship Takes Courage and Faith
Though it seems like it should be easy to leave an abusive relationship, it’s not. Many women struggle to leave men who abuse – including women who have achieved the heights of fame and success, such as Elizabeth Gilbert.
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men,” writes Gilbert in Eat Pray Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy. “I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”
Are you with a man you think could be great – but who actually abuses you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Get help! Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans.
And, here are five suggestions for leaving emotionally pr physically abusive relationships.
How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship?
Here’s a comment from a reader who is tired of being abused…
“I’M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!” she writes. “I’m finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he choked me). I’ve tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I’ve booked my flight and accommodation. I don’t have a job on the other side but, I’ll figure something out. I’m outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I’m no longer going to be nervous or scared to offend that guy.”
Are you ready to replace “I can’t, I’m helpless, or I’m scared” with “I’m doing it!!!”?
Get out of the city
Sometimes the only way to deal with spousal abuse is to move clear across the country. It’s definitely not fair – and very painful – that you have to leave your family, friends, job, and the life you have…but moving away may be the only way to stop abuse and protect yourself and your kids.
Take one step at a time
Don’t get overwhelmed with the whole picture (get a home, a job, new friends, furniture for my new place, etc etc etc) — because it’s completely overwhelming! Instead, focus on the first step: figuring out where you will go. Then, get your stuff packed up – or leave your stuff there, and start over with new stuff (buying secondhand furniture, clothes, and stuff for the house is inexpensive and easy!). When you’re leaving an unhealthy relationship, you have to take it one step at a time.
Focus on building resiliency
How well do you bounce back from problems? That’s your “bouncebackability factor”, or resilience. The easier it is for you to bounce back from problems and setbacks, the healthier and stronger you’ll be. If you aren’t resilient – you tend to let problems get the best of you – then leave me a comment in the comments section below, and I’ll do my best to help!
Focus on why you’re leaving the relationship
Push everything else aside, and focus on how destructive the mental abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse is. Don’t fall into Elizabeth Gilbert’s old habit of counting on your husband or boyfriend’s potential for change. How has he has acted in the past? That’s likely how he’ll act in the future. Let his abuse be your motivation – not a blanket of shame that suffocates and paralyzes you.
If you think that perhaps he can change, you may find Is It Too Late to Repair Your Relationship? A Few Signs helpful.
Protect your kids from their own future abusive relationships
Research shows that many women stay with physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive partners because of their children. These mothers believe they’re doing the right thing for their kids by staying in the bad relationship. Solveig Vatnar is a researcher and psychologist who at the University of Oslo who found that children are harmed by witnessing violence between their parents. Plus, kids who see one parent being abused by the other are at a higher risk for ending up in abusive relationships themselves.
Leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship is difficult…but it’s not impossible! When you’re ready, you can do it. For more insight into domestic violence, read The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away.
Abuse isn’t your fault, and you didn’t do anything to deserve it. Something is wrong with your partner — not you.
For tips on leaving a man who threatens you, read When Your Partner Threatens Suicide If You Leave – What to Do.
I welcome your experiences and thoughts on leaving physically and emotionally abusive relationships below. It can help to share your story and see you are not alone.
IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, PLEASE GET HELP FROM THE
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPLINE 1-800-799-7233.
I CAN’T GIVE PERSONAL COUNSELING OR ADVICE.
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
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Sites That Link to this Post
- 5 Stages Women Go Through Before Leaving a Man Who Abuses : Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships | May 20, 2012
- Angry Husbands - Can You Live in Peace With an Enraged Man? : Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships | May 20, 2012
- How to Spot a Man Who Will Try to Manipulate and Control You : Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships | May 4, 2012
Beth,
I left an abusive relationship with 2 children – 2 years ago. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my girls. Alcholic, compulive liar, no filter on his emotions/no sense of accountabililty for his actions. My soul was deadened.
You have to just “jump”. It’s incredibly scary, but so is the relationship. It cant get much worse when you leave. If it does, you have the sole adult power (without his noxious hindrance) to control how your life goes. I left w/no money, no job, no home to go to. I moved back in w/family (very crowded) until i could get set up with work, state assistance (whatever), car and home.
2 years later, I’ve met an incredible man. But, even before that, the air smelled cleaner away from him. I started smiling again, everything. Do it for your kids. Find a way – a shelter, anything. If you want further help, respond to this post – I’ll call you if need be. I’m happy to help – the help I got saved me. : )
Laura
Hi, I’m Beth. I am 22 yrs old with a 3 yr old son (well hell be 3 end of the month) and am expecting another child in April. I have been with my husband for 4 1/2 yrs, and got married this past February. Hes a serious addict of anything and everything he can get his hands on. For a while he stopped but ended up doing it behind my back, thinking I wouldnt notice the changes in himself. He has said repeatedly he hopes I have a miscarriage, that Im a slut, cunt, whore, etc etc in bad names. Asking him the simpliest of questions is like throwing a hand gernade in my house, hoping it was a dud. He has consistently physically abused me for so long, I use to never hit back, but it got to the point where I couldnt take getting beaten up without defending myself. He has been arrested 4 times just with me for domestic violence, 1 time of the 4 being also charged with endangering a child. He expects my family to give him everything he needs and wants, but will constantly be ignorant to them or me about them. His own mother has dropped him out of her life because of the things he does. He was supposed to go to DACC classes, got them court ordered March 2010 and has only been to a few. He is currently on probation for the last domestic. Due to him I have CYF in my life because they see him as the problem, due to his drug use, abuse, and non compliance with courts. But now if I say anything to them or anyone associated with them about his behaviors, I will lose my son and I dont think thats fair. He refuses to get a job, he says I want him to work so I can go be a whore. I have lost my disability checks because he called the SS office and reported that I am capable of working and I am trying to get a free ride in life, which Im not. He has broken just about everything valuable or sentimental I own, including some of my sons things. I had gotten a PFA on him in April, where he was arrested less than 24 hours of it being active, he got out of jail and immediately came to my home, harrassing me, trying to break in, and blowing up my phone. I finally called a friend and they arrested him yet again. Once again he comes back to my home after getting released, doing the same things, my son & I couldnt even leave our home safely. I called the cops numerous times but no one would arrest him, even with him being physically on my property. I finally call the PFA judge and he makes it so the local cops arrest him. He got out again, and at that point I had no choice to let him come into the house, because I couldnt keep putting my son through the drama of him going to jail and coming back to harass us, just to go back to jail. About a month later I took my son on a vacation to Florida, without my husband, and we had such a good time getting away from him and his drama. My family lived across a friends home that she was going to rent to us, but my husband threatened to get on the next plane and come down there to make sure we came home, he was already at the airport. I had no choice but to leave when my plane was planned for, to ensure my family’s safety in Florida. I am now pregnant with our second child because he basically raped me, and what I mean by that is, in our state they consider unwanted sex when married not rape because they believe if youre married youre having consenual sex and calling rape is because youre mad at the person. But thats not how this was, I repeatedly told him no, but he overpowered me and made sure to get his penis in me, I literally just laid there while he did it. He has since then kicked me in my stomach repeatedly, hit me in front of my son, and makes it so I am not allowed to speak, because he will beat me up. I dont have the money to move across the country like I wish I could, Im basically getting through day by day on my sons SSI check which is covering mostly everything for him, and very little for me. Im pretty much barely eating 1 meal a day, and drinking as much tap water as I can to stay hydrated, Im doing this because I want to make sure my sons eating and drinking when he wants and can. No family will help me, no friends can help me, and I truely think that Im going to have a miscarriage from this, lose my son, and probaby be dead by the end of the year. Authorities wont do anything so going to them just pisses my husband off more, and makes it worse on me and my son. I need help but at this point I dont know what I can do or where I can go to make my son, unborn child, and myself safe. Please any help will be appreciated.
AM TIRED OF BEING MOLESTED I WANT TO QUIT OUT OF MY RELATIONSHIP,
I’m 19 years old, preganant with my first baby due in Dec.
I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for almost 3 years.
I feel so emotionally and mentally abused but I find it so hard to leave.
We used to physically abuse eachother because arguing leads from one thing to another.
He lies alot like telling me he’s sleeping when really he’s out partying.
I wouldn’t be so upset if only he didn’t lie to me in the first place.
2 years ago I was pregnant and I had an abortion.
Not only was it so emotional for me to have gone through that
But while we were both waiting in the waiting room
Waiting to be called in, his ex gf was there ( I didn’t know at the time because he never told me)
Then a couple months later I’m just browsing through his phone I find text messages
From him to his ex gf. I had to call her to see who she was and found out from her
That she was there that day and he told her that he didn’t have a gf..
I talked to him about it and of course he was sorry and said that he
Would change and blah blah blah so I stayed with him.
Maybe I’m scared that I will never find someone who will
Love me better. But anyways I’m pregnant now an anytime I wanted to
See him I would have to literally tell him he needs to come see me
Or I threaten that it’s over I know it’s not a good thing to do
But there’s no other way to get him to be with me
Especially since now is the time I need him the most
I see him maybe once a week. He’s usually out doing things
Not caring about how I feel or how he should be spending
Time with me. We argue about the same things every single day
It’s the the same routine. I’m sick of it. I tell him that I’m done but I’ve
Said that so many times in the past that everytime I say it now
He dosent take me serious. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I know he loves me and I love him I can’t see myself without him
But our relationship is unhealthy I’ve suggested counseling but he
Refuses to go. And secretly, I think he’s too embarrassed to bring me
Around his friends and family or even out in public.
I’m tired of this love-hate relationship, HELP!
Katie,
I wish there was some way for me to tell you that everything will eventually be okay. So much of your husband’s behavior reminds me of my ex-husband. I am now 35 years old. I have spent more than half of my life with him. I began dating him when I was not yet 13. I loved him more than life itself. I remember him once telling me he would never hit a woman. I was so attracted to that attitude. However, as time went by, he bullied me verbally…mostly by being so jealous, and then making me feel like it was my fault for hurting him. By the time I was 16, he had smacked me while I was driving. It was one thing after another…months…or even years apart though. He filled the in between times with a lot of fun. We married when I was almost 20, he 24, and things never got much better. He would take it out on me anytime he was stressed…or “wronged” in any way. Somehow I was “taking up for the policeman” when he got a ticket…for example. Anyways, 3 sons later…here I am…married to ANOTHER man. I know this is hard to believe. I didn’t realize there were men out there that would NEVER abuse you…to that extent, and knowingly anyways. My husband now really cares about my FEELINGS…can you believe it? It’s amazing. I really had to endure a LOT of hurt and emotional and verbal abuse. He even abused me by telling me what OTHER people thought of me…for some reason I cared about what others thought about me. That was a tool for him. But now, I realize the ones that matter are the ones that want to matter to me. You deserve to be happy. I doubt your husband will change. If his personality type allows him to abuse you in the first place…he will always abuse you…and he will always feel it was justified. This is not a real man. Do I still love him? Yes, but not the same way. I sometimes wish I did not have to endure the things I did. I also wish I could have made a difference in him…but no one can…and that is NOT a reflection of your qualities as a woman. I wish him the best…but what is just is. I hope you find the strength to endure hell…so that you can eventually prevail.
@jenn
Hey Jenn, in regards to your question the only advice I can give you is to start over again, just like it is recommended on this post, the good thing is that you don’t have to leave family because there is none in your state, so you can just move back to your family or to another state and start over again, hope this helps!
I’ve been married for 37 years and the first time my husband was abusive (he bit me on the arm in an argument) i was pregnant with my daughter. I now work 2 days a week and look after my grandson 3 days a week. The abuse still carries on, mostly verbal but physical too. He denies he hits me (he says I would be in hospital if he really wanted to hurt me) but he drags me, pushes me, and blames me for making him angry. Since I hit the menapause I find myself becoming abusive myself when he starts (although I’d never be daft enough to hit him first). I just want out but I am so close to my daughter and help her a lot. She knows her dad is very bad tempered but not about the physical abuse. Ive promised to look after her next child until it goes to school as she is not that well off herself. I’m in a situation I feel i cant get out of. Financially I have not much money (its all in my husbands name and he says its his) and I want to help my daughter so much. I’m so unhappy, sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I think I’m finally ready to go. I like what you said (“I can do it!!) my husband and I have been together for 10 yrs. the last 4 or more it’s been on and off agaian emotional abuse. My spirit is dead, I feel broken. We have a 7 yr old son together which makes things so complicated. My husband talks so badly to our son, that he is getting abusive to me and doesn’t want me around. That was the only last reason for staying. I have terrible painful health problems, I wonder why, of course I know why. I know found out I have Lyme disease and need to be treated, I’m scared cuz the treatment is so hard,my husband says if I don’t stay here I’ll never make it through treatment, but I also know if I stay I will Not heal with the hate from him.I’m scared out of my mind about finances, I’m on SSDI and P/T unemployment with no one to help me, at this point I’m not able to work. I’d have to find a room for no more than $380 a month. I am so confued, One minute he acts loving, the next he is threatening to kill me and shutting me up by putting his hand over my face. I need strength and courage so bad, otherwise it could be another year before I get enough sanity to want to leave. I’m SO scared! I just want to have serenity and safeness, predictability, and peace. Any comments would be apppreciated.
Dear Jenn,
You need to ask your counselor for help leaving this abusive marriage. You don’t need friends or family to help you leave your abusive husband (though it helps to have support like that!).
If you can find a shelter for women, you’ll see that you’re not alone! There are thousands of woman out there who don’t have friends or family to go to, but who leave their abusive marriages. It’s sad — but it should give you hope and faith that YOU CAN DO IT.
Talk to your counselor about your options. Ask if there are support groups for abusive relationships, and if there are financial resources available. The only way to find out is to ask, ask, ask!
What does your counselor say about how to leave this abusive relationship?
Blessings,
Laurie
I just left an abusive relationship. I have been gone for 6 days. I am so scared and a part of me just wants to go back. However, I know that if I do it will be the same. He gets mad at me for working, but he gets mad at me for not working. He constantly makes me feel like crap. I second guess everything. I am doing this more for my children than me, but when my kids are hurting because of my decision I starting asking if I made the right decision. My whole existence is based off of this man. I cannot make a move with out first getting permission and now I feel lost. I need to do this for myself so that I can move forward with my life. I am at the point that I need more for myself but as long as I am in this relationship I cannot move. This is very hard and I hope that I have strength to make it another day. I pray on it and put it in Gods hands and I try to remember that “the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you”
Laura : what you need to do is call his parents and have them come get him and his crap. Have his stiff outside for him. Change the locks before he gets home and call his parents to pick his sorry ass up. Trust me staying with him won’t get any better just worse.
However I’m I’n a bad marriage and I feel stuck with no Job it feels like no way out. I’m much stronger than this. But can’t seem to get on my feet. I feel like prey staying here with him to pick on me anytime he feels like it. It makes me so vulnerbul. Sometimes when I go for interviews I really think this could be my way out. But then it’s not and I often feel like killing myself. Idk but it’s hard to deal with a liar alcoholic abuser. A shelter I considered it. But it’s just 30 days at the most. Here I can tolerate the bull and stay longer than that. I’m I’n to deep theres no way out
My partner and i fight ALL the time. We have been together for 6 years and for the last 3 it’s been like this. Violence has played apart from both him and more recently me. I am losing my mind! We have two children together that have heard and seen us argue. Most recently we started counceling where we were given rules to live by to improve our over all comunication and relationship, here lyes the problem, I have to follow them but he gets to choose when they aply to him. I’ve tryed everything with this man, and i can’t take it anymore! I have no family where i live and hardly and friends that arn’t already sick of us. please what do i do now?
Katie;
I’m one to relate. Except I’ve still not left. Married to my abuser for 19yrs. It wasn’t until about 2yrs ago did I start standing up to him and putting my foot down. I’ll tell you from alot of experience that 99% of the time they WILL revert back to old behaviors. For my husband it was as soon as he felt comfortable in the marriage again (ie my not leaving him), Do some research on the internet and learn the cycles of abuse. My husband really has changed now. He took the initiative to get help, says he didn’t realize he was still abusing me (i’ve threatened to leave many times over the years and each time he’d get a little better about how he treats me)and I see an entirely different him now. But unfortunately his changes come much too late. I stopped loving him about 10yrears ago. I don’t hate him anymore and really am glad he’s done his changing because we have a child still at home 12yrs old that there is still time to teach him a healthy way to act out your emotions. He’s insisting that if I just open up and give it a chance that there is still hope for us and I continue to tell him there’s just too much damage done. I’m not capable of loving him or even seeing any good in our marriage. He tends to still try to toss some blame because now he’s mr good guy and I’m the one throwing a marriage away. The mere fact that he is doing this tells me he’s not 100% changed. But it doesn’t matter, I really just don’t want him.
So for you, my advice is tto stay away for an extended period of time. At LEAST 6-12 months. And even then take baby steps with him only if you’ve still got feelings for him. Don’t return out of guilt or pity. While your away you need to get help for yourself. Many women in abusive relationships are codependent. If you are, you have just as long of a road to recovery as he does. You enabled the behavior and taught him how to treat you. If you don’t get help you’ll end up in another dysfunctional marriage because you won’t attract healthy men. I’m seeing a therapist as well as going to codependency meetings weekly.
I have been in a relationship for 8 years married for almost 5 of those eight with 3 beautiful kids. My husband is emotionally verbally and physically abusive. He has been to me and two out of three of our children. He plays softball, works, pretty much only see him on weekends and when its convient for him. I work full time and raise the kids and do the house work and thats my life. He will help with somethings like folding laundry or something like that dishes or things.
Anyways I finally left after all these years of being beat down. Yet here I am feeling guilty. HE says he wants to go to counseling (which i have been begging him to do for years)HE says he wants to show me the father and husband he wants and can be. He says how much he loves and hates me…how can we work things out if I am not there, how can he work things out with the kids if they arent there.
It all started again two weeks ago the youngest was up and woke him up and he was cranky…said ill get him the one day i can sleep in and ill get up with him…i said i will get up but that wasnt enough for him. But I got up anyway and was there with them…the other kdis got up and sicne the electric was out there was no tv or air or anything. I offered to make him cereal he said no…he cursed at me calling me a dumb b@@@@ and he cursed at the kids using the f word…I shut down immediately. I started getting myself ready and the kids i went upstairs and i heard him yelling at the kids again so i went down to ask him to not speak to them that way and he told me to get the hell away from him. He threw a charger to a D.S. almost hitting our son and i said how would you have felt if that hit him? He said i dont know but I would like to know how it would feel when I am punching you in the effin face. I scooped up the kids and left, but when we were walking out the door he grabbed our middle son and took him inside, would let him leave with me. Was telling him I was tearing the family apart, and I dont love his daddy anymore. I had to call his parents.
Anyways, I have been doing good…I thought and now hes willing to go to counseling, and I feel that I owe him a chance to make ammends. He makes me feel guilty for him not seeing the kids as much as he would like. Tells me I need to be home to see how he has changed. I am hurt confused, torn, angry..I need advice, anything. I have every right to walk away….Things just have been getting worse. But now he wants to change and see how things over the past years could be. I think its too late. Anyone out there feel the same way???
Dear April,
I think you should call a domestic violence hotline, and ask for support. I understand that you need to wait until he’s not around…but I think the longer you stay, the more the danger increases. What if you stay one day or hour too long – or one minute too long? Your partner can do a lot of damage in a few minutes. You probably know this better than I do.
You may need to leave with hardly any belongings, and arrange for a police officer or male family members to come back with you while you pack more things up.
Don’t worry about leaving stuff behind — you can always get more stuff! Many shelters give free stuff to women in need, especially if they’re just leaving a domestic violence situation.
Maybe you could tell him that your kids are going for a sleepover or even a weekend at a friend’s, so it won’t look weird that you’re packing a lot of clothes and toiletries?
I hope you find the right time to leave…and I’m sending you all good wishes and blessings…
Laurie
I feel like such a fool! I have been married for 2 years and in and out of our relationship for 12 long years. We have three children together our oldest is 9 and the twins are 7. I have been planning to leave for about 6 months now. He is verbally abusive to me and the children. And uses excessive (abusive)discipline on the boys. If I try to do anything to alleviate his overbearing nature on the children it comes back on me. As much as I want to run out the door right this moment I feel I have to wait until the time is right. I have beeen making arrangements with a family member to stay with them (out of state) so that I can get back on my feet and keep my children safe. I don’t think that he would be willing to do much to get the children back. (He has no job and won’t even attempt to look for one). He is hardly a father even living in the same house. I know that I should try to stay in this city but, all of my family lives out of state. I just need to get away from him as peacefully as possible which means waiting until he is not going to be here for a day or so. Do you think it is safe to bide my time and act like everything is status quo. After all this time waiting for the perfect moment which is only in another couple of months has to be better than the confrontation I know will occur if he catches me trying to leave. What do you think?
Dear G ~ I’m sorry I missed your comment. Have you left that abusive relationship? Where are you now?
Dear Laura ~ I think you’re getting close to leaving, too. Thoughts become action, and you’re already thinking of leaving this guy who abuses you. You don’t like being with him, and you’re getting ready to leave. Yes, I think you should go to your friend’s house and tell him it’s over by texting or calling. Get his stuff out of your house, and change the locks on your door. Talk to the police about a restraining order.
Let me know how you’re doing. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Life is too short and precious to waste in an abusive relationship.
Blessings,
Laurie
I am living with an abusive boyfriend. I feel like I am finally reaching the point of being fed up. When i have broken up with him in the past, he and my emotions have gotten the best of me and I’ve never been able to stay away. Even if i wanted to. The abuse has gotten much worse in the past couple of months. Everything I do is wrong and is my fault, even if something crappy happened at work, he finds a way to pin it on me. I am not allowed to go swimming or be seen in a bathing suit, go out to movies with friends, or barely even see my friends. I have been in this for two years and I AM TIRED OF IT!! I am tiny and only 20 years old, and have fought back before but it has only gotten me more hurt physically and emotionally. Every time I have reached out for help from my parents or friends, I have pushed them away because I have turned against them and not been able to stick with it. This is why i do not want to go to the police. I feel like I am getting close and ready to leave, for I am reaching a boiling point and pretty much can’t stand when he’s around. The only thing I’m still trying to get past is the sadness I know i will feel when he’s gone, and how to leave. I know I can easily stay at a friends house whenever I want for however long i want, but i live with him and he takes MY car to work everyday. What I want to do is go to a friend’s house and call or text him telling him it’s over and to get his things out of my house (which it is my house, he was only supposed to be staying with me until he got on his feet). I know this will work, and I know he will get out, especially if I tell his mom to make sure he foes (I know they will help me get him out). I’m just trying to mentally prepare for the hurt and guilt I will feel (even though i know I shouldn’t!)once he is gone. I know that if I can force myself to last a week without him I will be fine. i just need to get there! My 21st birthday is a week away and i want so badly to go out with my friends and enjoy it. I have a strong feeling that if he tries to keep me from not celebrating my 21st birthday that it will be my breaking point and I will finally be done. Plus if I do that I can REALLY live it up and just stay at my friend’s house. Perhaps I do have it figured out and I just needed someone to talk to. Thank you.
I am not very resilient – thus why I have sat in the situation for quite some time. I am lost and scared and don’t know what to do. This will require me abandoning my job and all that I know. If I do that I won’t be able to find another job, I won’t have references. I have been at this job for a decade now, and my previous employer doesn’t even exist any longer. I have no hopes and no chances at this point, and I have a limited time to make this decision. Basically in the next two days I am either here for life or roaming free, homeless, jobless, carless, and penniless for whatever time might then remain.
Amanda,
How did it go — did you leave this abusive man? Are you safe now?
I hope you’re doing well, and am praying for you.
Blessings,
Laurie
Ok so I have been with my verbally abusive boyfriend for eight years. We have a two year old son together and my poor child has began to follow his fathers abusive behaviour. Even worse is that the abuse is becoming more physical with each confrontation. I know my boyfriend has past issues of sexual abuse and this is a big factor to his current behaviour but I can’t deal with it any longer. I have encouraged him to get professional help and says he will but then doesn’t. I am afraid if I stick around my son will end up treating myself and others the same way his father does. And his abuse is even extended towards his best friend whom he physically bullies. I thought for awhile I was just blowing things out of proportion but when he denied things I knew happened I began to see clearer. I am trying to make an escape from him and if I can just stay strong I will be safe with our son and away from him tomorrow. Please wish me luck all and to those in similar situations…. We can and will find peace!
Thanks for your comment, Tomieka.
I think your point is so important: if you’re in an abusive relationship, are you living a healthy or harmful lifestyle? What are you teaching your children?
Yes, leaving an abusive relationship is so difficult…and sometimes it takes years to really be “gone”, to heal, to live in peace and freedom.
But if not now, when?
Blessings,
Laurie
Whatever decision you make it’s totally up to you.I understand you want your child to grow with both parents.But you have to ask yourself if going back to your husband is a healthy or hurtful life style.Im not trying to be judgemental. But most abuser do not change until their willing to accept the problem and get psychological help for whatever issues their dealing with.that’s the only things will get better.Try to seek therapy or couseling.Best of Luck
Dear lilmandy86,
That’s a very difficult decision you have to make! I understand your confusion: you want to stay with a man who loves you and proves it in many ways…but you want your child to be raised in an intact home with mom and dad.
I can’t tell you if you should leave your marriage and stick with your boyfriend, but I can give you a few things to think about.
This article may help:
Should I Leave My Husband? Help Deciding Whether to Stay or Go
Also, I encourage you to talk to a counselor in person. You need support and guidance as you make this decision, and you need more help than I can give here. Call a help line, talk to a counselor, find a pastor, or talk to a trusted friend or family member.
Remember that whatever you decide, whether it’s to give your marriage another chance or stay with your boyfriend, you need to commit to it 100%. Make your decision, and give it your all.
I hope this helps a little.
Blessings,
Laurie
My situation is that my husband and I were always argueing, or not communicating and in my opinion, miserable together. He said he was leaving me for another woman at work. He told me to find someone else and be happy. It took me a bit to go for it, but I did the best I could to let go of him, and started dating another guy. My husband and I aren’t divorced yet. I’m living with my boyfriend who has been nothing but wonderful. The problem is I still think about my husband, and miss him sometimes. Recently he has told me that things didn’t work out and he apologized for the way he acted before. He wants to get back together and be a better man for me and our child. Am I being selfish for wanting to stay with this other man who treats me the way I should be treated? should I try to fix my relationship with my husband? Everything seems so confusing, I don’t want to leave something great for the same dissappointment.