How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship? One Step at a Time
Leaving an Abusive Relationship Takes Courage and Faith
Though it seems like it should be easy to leave an abusive relationship, it’s not. Many women struggle to leave men who abuse – including women who have achieved the heights of fame and success, such as Elizabeth Gilbert.
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men,” writes Gilbert in Eat Pray Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy. “I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”
Are you with a man you think could be great – but who actually abuses you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Get help! Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans.
And, here are five suggestions for leaving emotionally pr physically abusive relationships.
How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship?
Here’s a comment from a reader who is tired of being abused…
“I’M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!” she writes. “I’m finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he choked me). I’ve tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I’ve booked my flight and accommodation. I don’t have a job on the other side but, I’ll figure something out. I’m outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I’m no longer going to be nervous or scared to offend that guy.”
Are you ready to replace “I can’t, I’m helpless, or I’m scared” with “I’m doing it!!!”?
Get out of the city
Sometimes the only way to deal with spousal abuse is to move clear across the country. It’s definitely not fair – and very painful – that you have to leave your family, friends, job, and the life you have…but moving away may be the only way to stop abuse and protect yourself and your kids.
Take one step at a time
Don’t get overwhelmed with the whole picture (get a home, a job, new friends, furniture for my new place, etc etc etc) — because it’s completely overwhelming! Instead, focus on the first step: figuring out where you will go. Then, get your stuff packed up – or leave your stuff there, and start over with new stuff (buying secondhand furniture, clothes, and stuff for the house is inexpensive and easy!). When you’re leaving an unhealthy relationship, you have to take it one step at a time.
Focus on building resiliency
How well do you bounce back from problems? That’s your “bouncebackability factor”, or resilience. The easier it is for you to bounce back from problems and setbacks, the healthier and stronger you’ll be. If you aren’t resilient – you tend to let problems get the best of you – then leave me a comment in the comments section below, and I’ll do my best to help!
Focus on why you’re leaving the relationship
Push everything else aside, and focus on how destructive the mental abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse is. Don’t fall into Elizabeth Gilbert’s old habit of counting on your husband or boyfriend’s potential for change. How has he has acted in the past? That’s likely how he’ll act in the future. Let his abuse be your motivation – not a blanket of shame that suffocates and paralyzes you.
If you think that perhaps he can change, you may find Is It Too Late to Repair Your Relationship? A Few Signs helpful.
Protect your kids from their own future abusive relationships
Research shows that many women stay with physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive partners because of their children. These mothers believe they’re doing the right thing for their kids by staying in the bad relationship. Solveig Vatnar is a researcher and psychologist who at the University of Oslo who found that children are harmed by witnessing violence between their parents. Plus, kids who see one parent being abused by the other are at a higher risk for ending up in abusive relationships themselves.
Leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship is difficult…but it’s not impossible! When you’re ready, you can do it. For more insight into domestic violence, read The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away.
Abuse isn’t your fault, and you didn’t do anything to deserve it. Something is wrong with your partner — not you.
For tips on leaving a man who threatens you, read When Your Partner Threatens Suicide If You Leave – What to Do.
I welcome your experiences and thoughts on leaving physically and emotionally abusive relationships below. It can help to share your story and see you are not alone.
IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, PLEASE GET HELP FROM THE
NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPLINE 1-800-799-7233.
I CAN’T GIVE PERSONAL COUNSELING OR ADVICE.
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
i filed for divorce and he just got his papers i love a man who has filed flase police reports on me had me arested because i tried to leave he had held a pillow over my head that morning and chocked me tore the house up and then hit himself on the headwith a weight and said i did it! he works out of town alot so i found out he was living with another woman and i was always the whore,he claims he was called to preach wow scary! anyway he ended up in al.for work he did get caught up with for beating me and the judge saw right threw him. now on probation again he has another woman spending every dime on her im about to lose my house he has ruined my credit and my life i have been having cancer treaments and my best friend died and then my dog so i hurt so bad i knew he has to go i cant hardly move im so lonley i feel really ill about all of this i will never get over him i hate him so much !he tells people i beat him and im crazy mybe i am i should have got rid of him years ago.
I have been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. I feel so stupid because I had first hand knowledge that he would beat his ex-wife, yet I figured he would never harm me. I would make excuses for him. He used to drink heavily and that was why he would become violent, but now he is pretty much sober and still abusive.
Last night was the final straw. He made a comment that he was my “last resort”. I didn’t like how he said it and told him that did he think I was so hideous that I couldn’t find someone else. (It was just something my ex-husband would say to me.) I was so offended, but then he turned it on me and said I was already cheating on him. He made me sleep in the living room. I was laying on the floor crying and that is when he came and kicked me in the face. He told me to get up and when I got up he pushed me in the hallway. I was crying so hard in our bed that he smacked me in the face. You see he won’t punch me in the face, that would be abusive in his mind. He punches me everywhere else. He pulled my hair that I had just dyed. He thought I dyed it to look good for some other man. A man that never exists. I am so depressed. This morning he said he was sorry. I told him that I don’t want to hear his sorries because they mean nothing. I told him that I wish someone would come and kick his ass and turn around and say they are sorry just to do it again later.
I packed some clothes and told him I would be at my mother’s house, he wouldn’t get off the phone with me till I promised to come home. I am afraid that if I don’t go home that he will get worse and that if I am going to leave I have to pretend things are alright between us and save up enough to get out.
A woman is at greatest risk of violence when she takes the initial steps to leave a abusive man. To anyone contemplating leaving a violent relationship, tell people you trust that you are, develop a safety plan, and ensure you know where to reach out for help if you feel you’re in danger.
In a relationship where Iam abused more emotinally than verbally than physically. But all of it happens. I am beyond realizing that it is time to go, but now that its coming down to the day it seems to be getting harder. And i find myself thinking of all the GOOD things and making excuses for the bad things. I have a small child who belongs to someone else and he controls everything she is allowed to do and when I stand yo and say NO she is going to such and such activity, its a fight. I also have 2 very small dogs that he is abusive towards, and in joking I said if I ever left I was going to take them and he gets very enraged. But i cant leave them because I know if I do there will be noone there to help them! Should I feel quilty about taking our 2 dogs? Also he is always making me feel quilty about him having to pay most of the bills and in return when I do end up with a little money, he wants it but he doesnt want me to work! UGH! what do I DO!
It seems like your in the same position as me although there are no issues with paying bills the house is in both our names . I am so unhappy with his controlling behaviour and he also has a drink problem. 3 weeks ago after my daughters Christmas show he had too much to drink and punched me. I let him back and he seeked help from the doctor for his alcohol issues. On Christmas day he drunk a bottle of champagne to himself and over dinner verbally attacked my 14 year old daughter. I am so sad an unhappy but cannot.see a way out
I am in such a deep hole! I need away from this man who puts me on egg shells! I say nothing right. I do nothing right. I can be watching t.v & he’ll say “what was that look for?” The mortgage is in my name alone but we bought the house together, his name is on the deed. He didn’t have any credit so the mortgage is in my name. 5 yrs ago when the house was bought we agreed to split the expences of running the house. That lasted about 1 year. Since then it’s been topsy-turvy. Ever since it’s how things get payed & I know I’m the 1 paying out more than he is while he sluffs at a job & is capable of making waay more. He pays the lights which has gotten behing & turned off, he pays the water that has been behind & turned off he pays the satelite which has also been turned off.These have been turned off & turned back on several times. I do not like living like that. Now you know why I pay the mortgage…at least theres a roof over my head!! I’ve thought of leaving with just what i can take with me & forfeit my home & stuff because I’m afraid how he would become if he knew I planned to leave. I have a dog & a cat I can’t leave & finding an apt that is in a safe area that I can have my pets is hard to find plus takes alot of money. I can get other stuff, right now I just need to get away from his toxicness & find my own safe haven that will accept my pets, I know I can get more stuff