Marriage Max

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship

Written by on May 8, 2011 in Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce with 82 Comments

It may seem like should be easy to leave an abusive relationship, it’s not. Many women struggle to leave men who abuse – including women who have achieved the heights of fame and success.

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men,” writes Gilbert in Eat Pray Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy. “I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.”

Are you with a man you think could be great – but who actually abuses you physically, mentally, or emotionally? Get help! Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans.

And, here are five suggestions for leaving emotionally pr physically abusive relationships.

How Do You Leave an Abusive Relationship?

Here’s a comment from a reader who is tired of being abused…

“I’M DOING IT!!! 4 days to go!!” she writes. “I’m finally leaving my emotionally abusive relationship (one time he choked me). I’ve tried countless times to leave. I decided the only way out is run far, far away. A mover came today and took my belongings to the other side of the country (literally). I’ve booked my flight and accommodation. I don’t have a job on the other side but, I’ll figure something out. I’m outta here! Finally, I can learn to be myself again. I’m no longer going to be nervous or scared to offend that guy.”

Are you ready to replace “I can’t, I’m helpless, or I’m scared” with “I’m doing it!!!”?

Get out of the city

Sometimes the only way to deal with spousal abuse is to move clear across the country. It’s definitely not fair – and very painful – that you have to leave your family, friends, job, and the life you have…but moving away may be the only way to stop abuse and protect yourself and your kids.

Take one step at a time

Don’t get overwhelmed with the whole picture (get a home, a job, new friends, furniture for my new place, etc etc etc) — because it’s completely overwhelming! Instead, focus on the first step: figuring out where you will go. Then, get your stuff packed up – or leave your stuff there, and start over with new stuff (buying secondhand furniture, clothes, and stuff for the house is inexpensive and easy!). When you’re leaving an unhealthy relationship, you have to take it one step at a time.

If you think you need to stay and work things out, read Making Relationships Work – How Far Should You Go?

Focus on building resiliency

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Get insight into his thoughts, needs, and desires.

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Free marriage advice from Mort Fertel.

How well do you bounce back from problems? That’s your “bouncebackability factor”, or resilience. The easier it is for you to bounce back from problems and setbacks, the healthier and stronger you’ll be. If you aren’t resilient – you tend to let problems get the best of you – then leave me a comment in the comments section below, and I’ll do my best to help!

Focus on why you’re leaving the relationship

Push everything else aside, and focus on how destructive the mental abuse, verbal abuse, or emotional abuse is. Don’t fall into Elizabeth Gilbert’s old habit of counting on your husband or boyfriend’s potential for change. How has he has acted in the past? That’s likely how he’ll act in the future. Let his abuse be your motivation – not a blanket of shame that suffocates and paralyzes you.

If you think that perhaps he can change, you may find Is It Too Late to Repair Your Relationship? A Few Signs helpful.

Protect your kids from their own future abusive relationships

Research shows that many women stay with physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive partners because of their children. These mothers believe they’re doing the right thing for their kids by staying in the bad relationship. Solveig Vatnar is a researcher and psychologist who at the University of Oslo who found that children are harmed by witnessing violence between their parents. Plus, kids who see one parent being abused by the other are at a higher risk for ending up in abusive relationships themselves.

Leaving an emotionally or mentally abusive relationship is difficult…but it’s not impossible!  When you’re ready, you can do it. For more insight into domestic violence, read The Abuse Dynamic – Why Women Who Are Abused Can’t Walk Away.

Abuse isn’t your fault, and you didn’t do anything to deserve it. Something is wrong with your partner — not you.

For more tips on how to leave an abusive relationship, read When to Leave a Relationship.

Are you stuck in the past?
How to Let Go of Someone You Love

I welcome your experiences and thoughts on leaving physically and emotionally abusive relationships below. It can help to share your story and see you are not alone.

IF YOU ARE BEING ABUSED, PLEASE GET HELP FROM THE

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HELPLINE   1-800-799-7233

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship

laurie blowing kiss

How are you? All comments welcome!
I can't give you advice,
but writing can help you gain insight.
Peace and blessings,
Laurie

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  1. 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship : New Beginnings | December 6, 2013
  1. Jackie says:

    I am actually going through this … I have left after the abuse mentally physically the last time he probably would have killed me …

    and I feel so stupid for missing him 10 years together – he was all I knew … but read an article that said that as soon as you start to miss him think immediately of all the bad he has done all the disappointments, the lies the hurt the shame …. I’m trying it …. my family was shocked when they heard how long I was hiding it … I’ve now learnt to speak about it … I makes me accept that what happened to me was not my fault and I’m starting to accept it… and have finally learnt that no matter how hard you try … IT WILL NEVER CHANGE …

  2. Laurie says:

    Dear Lisa,

    Have you talked to a counsellor, to help you work through your feelings? It’s important to get as much support as you can, because leaving an abusive relationship is surprisingly difficult! It’s normal to feel drawn back to your old life and relationship.

    But, I think you’ll find that your feelings will pass. They’ll get weaker and weaker until they finally fade away. You won’t miss him or your old life – you’ll find someone new to love and have awesome sex with :-)

    Hang in there, my friend – and get help! Talk to a counsellor, even just once. Call a domestic violence helpline, and talk your feelings out. You’ll feel better.

    Of course, you’re always welcome to come here and share your feelings. You’re going through a huge transition, and it may help to know that I’m here to listen!

    xo
    Laurie

  3. Lisa says:

    Hi, I’m leaving this comment because I left my husband and now is about 40 minute drive away. I still miss him and sometimes miss the times we had and also crave our sex we had. he was physically an verbally abusive. He choke me once. I sometimes feel weak. what should I do?

  4. Laurie says:

    Dear Sandra,

    Maybe you’re caught up in the abuse dynamic – there is a cycle that many women go through, which keeps them enmeshed with men who abuse them. It’s extremely difficult to untangle yourself and leave even the most abusive man! It takes a lot of strength and motivation, especially if you grew up witnessing abuse. Those patterns are strong — but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to stay in this relationship!

    Here’s an article that may help — please read Heidi’s comments at the end. She describes what it was like for her to leave an abusive relationship.

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/leaving-an-abusive-relationship-stages-women-go-through/

    Have you told any friends or family how your partner treats you? Sometimes that’s one of the first steps towards leaving: being honest about what your relationship is really like.

    It sounds like you really want to put your kids first, but you can’t seem to overcome the initial stages of leaving. Is that how it feels to you?

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  5. Sandra says:

    The hardest part for me is the verbal abuse that happens in front of the kids. I witnessed it growing up and here I am dealing with it in my own marriage. It kills me, really kills me inside to know I am setting my kids up to gravitate towards a woman who will abuse them or them abuse their women. It hurts and yet I can’t go, I can’t leave. I don’t know what to do.

  6. Laurie says:

    Dear Angel,

    I’m glad you’re here, writing about your relationship! That’s the first step to creating a happier, healthier life for yourself and your son. Getting in touch with your feelings is the foundation to moving forward.

    It sounds like you need to talk through your options with someone in person, who knows what resources are available to you. I don’t know if there are any womens’ shelters in your area — please call the domestic violence hotline and ask them! That’s one of the first things to do.

    Second, it’s important to remember that abusive men want to keep their victims feeling stupid, worthless, and unlovable. That’s the trick that keeps the women in place: feeling like they have nowhere to go and nobody to trust.

    The truth is that you DO have somewhere to go and you DO have people to help you! It’s just a question of finding those resources. You have to do a little digging, which is a good thing. You are smart enough and brave enough to reach out in person and get the help you need.

    You are a valuable, beautiful, smart woman. You deserve better than this — and your $700 a month will go a long way!! You’d be surprised at how far that “little” amount of money will take you.

    Please call a helpline, or Social Services. Find out what resources are available in your area — and come back and tell me what you learned!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  7. Angel says:

    Oh, sorry, just realized you can’t give advice. Haha. I guess just, thank you for reading my story… You’re all really awesome, strong women <3

  8. Angel says:

    Hi Laurie… God where can I start?… I’ve been in this relationship for 3 years now and got pregnant 5 months-in at the age of 19 and got engaged when I was 8 months along. At first everything seemed great, but a couple of months in, he would have me crying in school, defending myself from his accusations of talking to my ex’s in school. He has been one of the most manipulative and narcissistic partners I’ve ever had. During the pregnancy, he put me through a lot of grief, saying I was always cheating and that many guys like girls who are pregnant, and always cursed at me like crazy with his own insecurities (last girlfriend admitted to cheating 4 times).

    He has set boundaries with me: no wearing dresses without him around (long or short) saying they make it too easy for other guys to have sex with me, I cannot go out with anyone without his permission and have to be back within 2 hours or else all hell breaks loose (constant calls, arguing and yelling at me and questioning who is REALLY with me), I cannot curse when talking to him, I’m allowed to drink at all without his permission or him being there, I cannot cuddle him and our son at the same time, it’s either one or the other, and if it’s the baby (he’s 2) then he goes back in the room to play his video games, our son is not allowed to play with my belly because he thinks it’s sexual, and many other that have made it to where I end up isolating myself from all of my friends. In the past he has ripped the baby from my breast while I was nursing, saying the baby was “enjoying himself too much”, punched metal doors and fridges and saying I should be happy it wasn’t my face and “Aren’t you?! Aren’t you happy it was you?!” asking consistently until I broke down and said of course I am. Every time I try to talk about how he’s been unfair and try to confronting about how he’s treated myself and our son, he walks away and says that I’m just a “girl” and still am not a “woman” since I’m bringing up the “drama”, but when it comes to me doing/saying something that he doesn’t like, then I get a huge lecture, and if I disagree and don’t apologize, he tells me we won’t work out and that I should just leave with the baby. But if I do apologize, then he says it’s stupid how I always say sorry and that it doesn’t matter anymore if I do. He’s always felt that I trapped him with the baby and has this huge jealousy problem with him. I haven’t been happy or felt fulfilled in so long now. He convinces me constantly that I’m the one starting arguments and drama and “disobeying” him and says my memory isn’t good and that I only look at the bad and am ungrateful.
    I’ve tried leaving him several times, he would constantly call and at first would be mad, then guilt me about how I’m splitting our little family up and that Javari needs a daddy and that he’ll change his ways. A couple of times he threatened suicide within a couple of hours of me leaving, one of those times I came back and saw cuts on the top of his arm and said “I can’t believe you don’t think I love you enough, I would rather die than lose you”… One of the other times I left, a few months ago, I took the car and went to my moms (go to her every time and she lives across town) and he walked all the way there to bring me a picture of us at prom and was crying. So I said, I just need space and my girlfriend wants to bring me out for a dinner so I can calm down. He ended up driving around town after that until he found us walking back towards the car and flipped out saying that I was drinking behind his back (I was traumatized and calmed my nerves with one shot of saki) and needed to either have him stay with us or get in the car and go home and be a good mother….
    Oh, and he’s cheated on me twice (excuses were that one he woke up with on top of her and said it was “rape”, and the other he’s not sure if he even did because he blacked out) and tried to hide from me that a couple of months ago, he payed for a personal lap dance at a strip club when he said that he was only going out to his friends house to drink (excuse: that he went there to just play pool, and ended up feeling sorry for her b/c she wasn’t making much money. What a hero, right?)
    Sorry for the long list of things… I just feel the need to talk as much as possible about what’s happened so as to bring myself back to reality of what’s happened/happening, and trust me, this is only a little of my stupid story.
    What I’m getting to is this, I’ve tried leaving so many times, but have nowhere to really go with my son, so I end up stuck in the house with Tim, and he contorts everything into his preferred view of his world and makes me feel worthless, stupid, and wrong for everything I do and say. I’m a stay at home 21 year old mother with a 2 year old son and my only income is my $700/mo for SSI. I cannot afford a house on my own. My mother lives in a small 2bd duplex and already has my little sister and her abusive partner living with her. My brother and sister who live here are renting together and already have all of their kids in their house and adding us is too stressful. Sister’s in Georgia also have no room or patience to add us. Where are we to go? I feel so stuck and lost in this fake reality of pretending to be fine… I feel like I’ve lost who I really am… please, any advice helps me so much…

  9. DM says:

    This message is for Torn. Please know that there is no future with the man that has beaten you over and over again. Why do you feel so Torn? Your little girl doesn’t deserve to see her Momma hurt and cry. What kind of example and home life are you providing for her?? Think…put your emotions aside and stop allowing this to continue. Leaving will not be easy but itll be so much better for you and that precious little girl of yours. You’re so much stronger than you think. Reach out to your family, friends and a women’s support group. Remember you are NOT alone and you can be the change you wish to see..

  10. Laurie says:

    Dear Torn,

    You are stronger than you realize, and I believe you will get the strength to leave this abusive man! Being in a relationship like this is very powerful, and many women find it so difficult to leave. It is not easy, and you are not alone.

    Please find support and strength in women who have done it, who have left their abusive husbands. Please surround yourself with people who love and support you, who can help you and your daughter.

    I am praying for you, and thinking about you. I believe in you!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  11. Torn says:

    I’m reading all of your comments to find strength in what I know I have to do. Leave. I’ve been married to my husband for a little over 2yrs; together for a little over 3. I’ve known him for over 12yrs as we have some history together. When we first met 12yrs ago I was young and had a huge crush on him. I’d heard things about him hitting his then wife. I should have just walked away, but he was going thru a divorce and we had fun together. We eventually went our seperate ways only to reconnect 3yrs ago. I was thrilled to have him back in my life all I could think was that we were “meant to be”. He moved in with me after only seeing each other for a few months, that’s when things started to change. About 4 months into the relationship he hit me for the first time, just a back hand I told myself no big deal. Over the last three years it has escalated to having scars on my back from bites, scars on my nose from bites. I thought he would bite it off my face at one point. My nose broken twice, maybe more I’ve lost count how many times the pain was that bad. A fractured eye socket, more black eyes and busted lips than I can count. I now have 2 huge scars on my mouth from the busted lips. My sister works for a plastic surgeon who told me I will need surgery sooner or later to fix what he’s done because the blows to my face have pulled the muscle from the bone. I always thought of myself as such a pretty girl, not so much anymore. I used to love to wear make up now I have to wear it to cover all the damage. It feels like a mask. I have a 9yr old daughter who knows he has hit me in the past but she thinks the bruised and black eyes are now from me being so clumsy and falling. That’s the lie he has convinced me to tell her so he doesn’t look like the bad guy. I know she knows the truth, she just sees me cry so much I don’t think she wants to upset me anymore than I already am. He is now a convicted felon because he beat me in a hotel room and got arrested. He spent 6 months in jail and still I took him back when I should have just ran. I feel so stupid, but I believed everything he said about having PTSD from the army and that he would get help. Yeah that’s why it happened again just a couple weeks ago. Still have the black eye and lump on the side of my face. Again make up to hide it from co-workers. Because of his going to jail we have nothing he lost a really good job so I’m doing everything I can to keep the car and house, but don’t know how much longer I can. And it’s all my fault so he says, if I hadn’t done this or that he wouldn’t have to hit me and we wouldn’t be here. I hate him so much it makes me sick to be in the same room with him, but if I don’t give him what he wants “affectionately” he gets mad. I truly can not live like this anymore, I want out, for my daughter and for myself. I used to be scared he’d kill himself if I left because he said he would, but then he’s also threatened to kill me if I left. I’m mostly scared of what he might do to my daughter just to hurt me. I never thought I’d become this person, but I am definitely ready to be the strong independent woman I used to be. I know I’ll get there. Stay stong ladies, I know I will.

  12. kristina says:

    thnak u ladies for wrting everything that u did…im in the moment of getting out of ths emotional verbal abusive relationship…its been the worst time of my life…i never thought this would happen to me..im a pretty normal 32 yr old girl…its awful…i went back to him time and time again..and last night was the final straw… i found his phone which he talked to some girl which hes talked to bfore and called her 8-10 times… not okay!!! i confronted him about it and he proceded to get violent by throwing a bottled water on me and telling me he wishes it was gasoline…what a sick mother f***er!!!…im so glad i found this sight and i at least get to get out my feelings out….. hes ben abusive in soooo many ways

  13. Takita says:

    I’m 36 years old and have been in this marriage well over 10yrs. Before the getting married to this man I had children from a previous relationship and he knew this. But, in the course of this relationship he has showed favoritism to his kids and not the others. He puts the kids that aren’t his down, beats them for no reason, calls them names you shouldn’t call kids. I have stood back and watch afraid to say anything but my point never gets cross. He always indicate he will hurt me if I leave. I want to leave but it is so hard to leave because I look at my kids I have from him and just believe that it will get better. “BUT IT HAVEN’t”. My teenagers hate him and my son even went as far as placing an ax behind the door. I really don’t know what to do. There is so my much to say that I really don’t know how to get it out. I will say that I have develop depression and really have withdrawn myself from my family and friends because I don’t want to be embrassed by him when getting in front of ppl. any suggestions

  14. Brooke says:

    I am 23 years old. I have a 4 year old daughter with an EXTREME emotionally abusive boyfriend of 5 years. I AM DOING IT!! I am moving out! I will be out in less than one month. I am writing to really tie the reality to it. :) I feel for all of you, I have been with this man for 5 years, I looked up to him he is 6 years older. I saw his potential, I saw his intelligence, his pain his love I fell hard. I’m getting back up. The abuse started one year into our relationship. THE DAY I brought my daughter home from the birth center it’s been emotional mostly but there have been times it’s escalated. I now suffer major depression and dissociative disorder. A lot of my abuse I’ve blocked out for so long I can’t even carry a conversation about what happened when with him… I don’t rememeber my daughter crawling,,, This guy – this scum hole had me convinced, convinced I was wrong, for everything, at first I would fight back arguing my point,, but then after the fights would never end,, he’d NEVER see my side — EVER! – still doesn’t! He calls me names but not like bitch, whore cunt —- no no no HE is too prestigious for that! He tells me I’m bipolar, borderline personality, narcissistic, passive aggressive, ect… It got to the point I believed him. He didn’t want to spend time when he came home from work with our newborn, he “worked” all night in the study on his computer, I started abandoning my crying daughter – leaving her in front of the tv with a bottle just to spend time with him, hoping I could make him love us… There was sex, crazy sex many times a day,, I would get pregnant and abortions 3 of them I’ve had 3 abortions! One of which was very painful for me,, and I was at home – crying very upset,,, he yelled at me that it’s my fault I feel like that, it’s my fault he doesn’t care. Ive called the police when it’s gotten physical in the past, I’ve had bruises ect.. but I’ve been too “hooked into him” to follow through on any court orders… It’s gotten better with me and my daughters bond. I started therapy with an LCSW,a little more than a year ago, thinking I was crazy because of his “labels” To him it was me who was nuts so when I started thereapy he was glad “I was finally getting the help I needed” I don’t have any of those bipolar – bpd – narcissism – what I have is an abusive relationship and with that follows, depression , low self esteem, anxiety, ect… I started school in the fall, im getting financial aid and my credit is shot but I was approved for loans somehow! I’ll be getting back almost $3000 !!! In a few weeks I’ll be GONE! I’m still figuring out when I’ll be able to leave – id prefer him not here but he dosnt work anymore, itll be hard. I have been consistently building up my strength, and it’s been hard I’ve fallen back a few times, and I’m certain I’ll be in therapy for years to come. BUT I won’t give up and I will be great, I can do it. I just wanted to share the therapy part of it,, because it as a disguised blessing for me. If your situation permits, therapy can be a life saver – especially with an LCSW because they are client centered so they build off of what it is YOU want not what they think is right based off some predisposed model. If you have a man – or woman – who is convinced it’s all your fault ( seems a common theme) tell them tell them it is! SAy oh my goodness sweet heart I’m a monster, I don’t know why I do this, oh my I need help. How did i get like this? PLAY IT UP!!!! Go see your therapist! GO!!! get help that way! Hope for the best for all of you and may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows — I love you all – STAY STRONG -

  15. Karen says:

    I was abused as achild and adult by my mom & half sister.Do things to me call cops tel lies ect until i told a person who worked in law enforcement who told his boss and i left that place homeless.I had to stay with mean people and sleep outdoors until i got a job and money for a cheap motel. My husband provided a place to live but caused me to lose to jobs stalking me and i got a restraining order years ago then we got together. He has beaten me for years i need back and neck surgery but he wont pay and my doctor is outta network and his insurance wont pay he makes me cook prepare his lunch clean ect. he wont buy me a car or clean up his own mess and i have tried twice to file for ssa or ssi but his income keeps me from the small check and i cant tell my ssa lawyer.I dont go to hospitals or call the cops even though he beat me in the stomach so hard i could hardly stand up & had to breath easy. Broke my nose and rubbed it hard to wipe off the blood so no one could see the blood.Beat my face so hard my sinus pain lasted for months. I do not have any money for my medicine or no place to stay no car or familly.He tells me i cant go any where.He gets mad and thru my clothes in a oil spot beat me in my sleep.I tried to file ssa 6 yrs ago & got discouraged now i am trying again with a local attorney. we have been married since 2005 and he will buy me nothing.I have nothing and i need to continue meds and havre atleast 1 surgury but i have no way to go and just a few clothes. He never bought me a coat and i ask cause i am colc natured. How does a person with nothing and cannot get assistance from anyone for food housing or medical get help. I know its hopeless and tha is why i havent been treated correctly by a stable doctor & have no where to go. I hear shelters kick folks out in the day time. I have injuries and pain. I cant think of any way to get fixed or meds or live & eat or a way to go to these places can you? I am here till death it seems. I tell him not to hit me in the most injured place but he knocks me dowm & hits my face back & ribs and stomach often. My new ssa lawyer does not know or my lawyer.Hopeless right.I never qualify for medical help or a check and have no regular doctor to say disability. doctors have left & taken my MRIs for 5 years and ssa dont try to look so i loose all the way around any way i can get help of any kind and surgery on my back and neck so maybe i can work. i dont have aby clerical skills or my own computer ,house or car. You probably cant advise me cause i am hopeless and trapped but it is really bad now and i am under stress and going to have to change doctors to covererones. The list goes on and on for my whole life. Help please

  16. Lauren says:

    I’ve just turned 20, but I’ve been in a relationship with an older man since I was 18. At first I thought he was just being a ‘tough guy’ or emotionally unavailable and in his own words ‘not pandering to my neediness’. But after seeing something on the telly about mentally abusive men it occurred to me that this might be what he is? He blames me for absoloutely everything that goes wrong, even if whatever it was was his responsibility to do. I can never please him or do anything right. The other night he blamed me for messing up dinner and when he had reduced me to tears he called me pathetic for crying.

    He has never turned physically violent, although I’m worried if I stay with him it could turn this way?

    It’s so hard to leave him because when he’s being nice we get on so well and I forget about all the rest. He uses his abusive childhood as an excuse for his uncontrollable anger and it’s so easy to get sucked in.

    I don’t know if I’m just being dramatic because he’s just a bit of an arsehole… The whole thing has just been so gradual I feel like he has slowly manipulated me into his control because at first I thought his possessiveness was sweet.

  17. Sheri says:

    I’ve been married for nearly 17 years and it’s been a battle. We have three kids between 7 and 17 and I’ve tried to be supportive and helpful. My husband on the outside is a volunteer in the community. Has now his own business and is loved by everyone who meets him. He is seen as a charmer great to chat to and we are seen as such a great couple. Th ereality is behind closed doors he criticizes and belittles me. Nothing is right. I don’t support him and am just not grateful at how lucky I am to be married to him. Thinking more time at home would help I stopped working a few years ago but it did not help. The issue was that when I worked I was not focusing on him or the family who did I have lunch with who was I talking to. Since being at home he is angry that I don’t work with him and do his buying. Why can’t I be like the woman he sees buying stuff for their husbands. When I try to help and ask questions to take on some admin work and try to understand his sheets he says. Why am I questioning how he does things don’t I get it. He swears and just tells me to get on with it he does not have time to explain I use just get it done. Don’t ask questions woman just do it. Ok??? We have had terrible fights too where I try to stand up for myself and tell him how I feel but he jus says in foul language you woman so bloody emotional nag nag nag jes$$ just shut up. Don’t know how to leave him.

  18. Sheena says:

    Ladies we are valuable even though at times we are made to feel differently by him. I want to encourage you all if a man makes you feel less of what you were before you met him it’s time to go. Its unhealthy and can cause permanent damage to you or your children. I experienced it and I just want to help others

  19. Sheena says:

    I’ve been in a 6yr relationship with this man and he basically tried to destroy me. He mentally and emotionally abused me, manipulated me to get his way. In the beginning our relationship was great I had my own place a car a job I was doing
    my thing! Times eventually got hard for me and I needed help with the bills he didn’t help me. I should of took that as a sign of him using me since he was staying there but I was blind. I lost the apartment and we moved to a new one. At that location I had my second child a wonderful time in my life. 6months later things got worse he became controlling not wanting me to go out or see my friends, I couldn’t have a fb and when I did he accused me of talking to his friend when I never did anything wrong. my life became a routine kids during the day and work at night. I got to a breaking point where I had a nervous breakdown and I became really sick. That’s when he really mistreated me. (you can’t do things that real women do) you holding me back….you need me! just belittling me to take away my confidence my self esteem and he did I became someone I didn’t even recognize when I looked in the mirror. I let this man take my life and I grew up in an abusive home as well he would bring up those things if we got into an argument just to hurt me. I realize that I don’t want him never ever ever again. I have to start living for me and my kids and that the only way I will ever be happy. I’m leaving tomorrow stepping out on faith BC right now that’s all I have. I’m going to the battered women shelter to get the help and support I need. Finally feeling empowered to move on with life:)

  20. Melissa says:

    I’m on an crazy and abusive Relationship for 1year in a half. My boyfriend hide thing from me he dont want me on FB and he put a password on his cellphone. One time it was my bestfriend birthday in lounge and he went outside witout tell me. When he came back inside a Girl was coming with him. I heard something about the girl bc so I dont like her. So that night hw treat me bad n give this girl all the attention n leave me n my friend away. Now n then our relationship have change for bad. Back in december I broke up with him for someother reason. And 3weeks later we still see each other. In this past april he went out with my best male friend n his gf and some other friend too and he invite this other girl I dont like bc I know they have something before this girl is the same I told you before in the lounge. That night he told me he was home…. When he really was out with her. He always blend of me of losing his female friends. One day he hit me in front of his family he say to me his family hate me his kids too. He say to me all his friend that I am Drama n they dont want him with me. He treat very bad After I told me I love him way back.

  21. Angela says:

    I have been in a relationship for almost 6 yrs. It is been a long rough road. He has been physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. He is very controlling although he has a devil may care attitude about things ( he could say he does not care about …whatever…but if i act on it, then it’s a problem).
    Over the years, I have disclosed things about my past, things I have done, things that have been done to me, my childhood, my family issues etc..he then brings them up in an argument and uses information to hurt me. For example, I was not able to watch tv a lot growing up, so as an adult, I like to watch children’s movies..I popped one in last night, and he began to make comments about I need counseling to figure out why I am a grown up and watching children’s movies, and that he is sorry that I was not allowed to watch movies as a child, but he was allowed to watch movies. Then there was a bug on the wall and when I tried to kill it, it fell off the wall, and he proceeded to tell me how sorry I was for not killing the bug properly. He is a bully. Imagine, living day in and day out with a controlling bully. He knows that I am afraid of him especially when he has been drinking and does things to watch me cower and flinch. It seems that my pain brings him great amusement. If he demands sex, even if I say no, he will touch me aggressively, and start verbally abusing me and escalating the issue until I give in out of fear it will turn physically abusive. He calls me a slut and I have never cheated or been suspect of cheating. I pay all the bills, he barely brings in minimum wage, but acts like I should bow down to him every day. Then he complains that we don’t live better and that it’s my fault. I think I have developed high bp, and possibly diabetes. He said he had a dream that we saw my X and that my X told him that he stopped wanting to be with me because I got fat. Which I have gained weight since I have been in this relationship as I turn food into a friend because I cannot have any. If I try to make friends, if it is a male, its because I am cheating, and if it is a female, now I am a lesbian and cheating. Once, he left his phone at a gas station after he dropped me off at work, apparently, he thought I had it, so he comes up to my job, walks right past the receptionist, comes back to my department, and proceeds to start searching (in front of my co-workers mind you) my pockets, my purse, my desk drawers, until he was satisfied that I did not have it. Then he found it at the gas station. I have so much resentment, rage and hurt that it is eating me up. I need to escape but have no where, have no one. If there is anyone out there that is in an abusive situation, and wants to get out, feel free to e-mail me or comment. Perhaps we can band together and help each other get out..maybe we need to start an “underground railroad” and help each other get out. Safe houses for women are hard to get into if you don’t have physical proof of abuse or documentation..don’t they realize when we are getting over the bruises, its a tighter ship for us, and some of us don’t have the courage to call 911. So…let me know..i have decided that this next month, I will start holing away a few dollars here and there for an emergency escape one day. Until then I anxiously await for someone to get the courage to “run away” together. It’s easier for some people when you have someone and for some people, it’s easier to do it solo. So…ladies…until we escape and meet, stay safe, and by all means stay strong..

  22. Elizabeth says:

    I have been married to this lunatic for about 12 years!! I don’t know how I was able to do it! I’m not a doctor but to me my spouse looks bi polar/lunatic/crazy!! I can’t stand him!! We have 3 kids ages 18, 17 and 7. My two teenagers have wanted for us to get a divorce for years now. He abuses me verbally and emotionally! He hit me a couple of yrs ago, and I sent him to jail for that! He continues with the verbal and emotional abuse from time to time! My kids and I walk on egg shells all the time to avoid upsetting him! What kind of a life is this??? I’m can’t do it anymore!!

  23. Just me says:

    I read all your comments, I am 4 months into my break up with an abusive partner, I read and look for comments to help me, one day doctors will work out that walking away is harder than kicking heroine cos it is, it’s so hard, we must be addicted to some light we see in their troubled souls and just wish we could fix it, when I am not with my ex he is still in my head and heart, but what matters is me I know it but it does not make it any easier, I can’t think of dating because he has brought me down that much and I don’t think I could ever trust another man. But life goes on he was not the man I fell for I fell for a facade and an evil one at that, all I know is I was fine before I met him I was confident and strong and I want it back even if I stay single, it’s got to be better than bruises.

  24. susan says:

    im 22 and dont know how to say goodbye or just pack my stuff and leave we have a baby together she is 3 and very smart i dont want this fighting around her i have alot of family who tell me i need to get out but i dont and to me its very hard no women should be yelled at 247 for nothing i cook and clean and stay home with our baby when i could be working sometimes i dont know if im being cheated on cause he always hides his phone with a lock code but yet im the one who is always blamed for everything like im the one hiding stuff when im not i tell him if i ever had something to say i would im women enof to say the truth im not like him were i have to hide stuff just to stick around we been together for 4years off and on the first brake up was when i was pregnet cause he was not ready to be a dad so i left and i should i stayed gone but i came back words hurt just as bad as being hit or spited on no guy who calls them self a man should ever disrespect a women in anyway i just hope i get out and be in a better place with our baby cause she dont need to hear or see nothing she is going to church with us and it helps but i tell my self why are me and my boyfriend in church if its not helping him when church is over he starts a fight for nothing our baby tells him dont be mean jesus will get mad i think and know i need to leave and just be alone with my baby and keep going to church with her to keep mine and my babys relationship strong for she know im here for her more then anything im a medical assestent i know i can get on my feet and have the right life for my baby thank you if you read this i have no friends cause my boyfriend so i hope i can have some one to talk to,

  25. Cleo777 says:

    He says he’s afraid to go out in case I get mad at him (I never have been, I never would be and I told him that) and that he thinks if he does something wrong I’ll leave him?!? Then he tells me that he’s just a “consolation prize” and I’m only with him because I couldn’t find anyone else! He doesn’t realize how insulting that is. Why would I be with someone who thinks that little of me? I thought you loved me, I said. I do, he says. Really?? Are you sure?? I don’t know why his insecurities are projected onto me. He makes me feel guilty and I haven’t done anything wrong! I told him we need counselling so he can deal with his past but he says no, he knows he won’t like what they say. I said well that’s what counselling is, it’s not fun, it’s very painful but therapeutic in the end. We still haven’t been. His bad temperament is getting to me, I get home feeling happy and he starts grouching at me right away. It’s making me very unhappy, and I don’t know what else to do.

  26. sandy says:

    i filed for divorce and he just got his papers i love a man who has filed flase police reports on me had me arested because i tried to leave he had held a pillow over my head that morning and chocked me tore the house up and then hit himself on the headwith a weight and said i did it! he works out of town alot so i found out he was living with another woman and i was always the whore,he claims he was called to preach wow scary! anyway he ended up in al.for work he did get caught up with for beating me and the judge saw right threw him. now on probation again he has another woman spending every dime on her im about to lose my house he has ruined my credit and my life i have been having cancer treaments and my best friend died and then my dog so i hurt so bad i knew he has to go i cant hardly move im so lonley i feel really ill about all of this i will never get over him i hate him so much !he tells people i beat him and im crazy mybe i am i should have got rid of him years ago.

  27. Faye says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. I feel so stupid because I had first hand knowledge that he would beat his ex-wife, yet I figured he would never harm me. I would make excuses for him. He used to drink heavily and that was why he would become violent, but now he is pretty much sober and still abusive.

    Last night was the final straw. He made a comment that he was my “last resort”. I didn’t like how he said it and told him that did he think I was so hideous that I couldn’t find someone else. (It was just something my ex-husband would say to me.) I was so offended, but then he turned it on me and said I was already cheating on him. He made me sleep in the living room. I was laying on the floor crying and that is when he came and kicked me in the face. He told me to get up and when I got up he pushed me in the hallway. I was crying so hard in our bed that he smacked me in the face. You see he won’t punch me in the face, that would be abusive in his mind. He punches me everywhere else. He pulled my hair that I had just dyed. He thought I dyed it to look good for some other man. A man that never exists. I am so depressed. This morning he said he was sorry. I told him that I don’t want to hear his sorries because they mean nothing. I told him that I wish someone would come and kick his ass and turn around and say they are sorry just to do it again later.
    I packed some clothes and told him I would be at my mother’s house, he wouldn’t get off the phone with me till I promised to come home. I am afraid that if I don’t go home that he will get worse and that if I am going to leave I have to pretend things are alright between us and save up enough to get out.

  28. A woman is at greatest risk of violence when she takes the initial steps to leave a abusive man. To anyone contemplating leaving a violent relationship, tell people you trust that you are, develop a safety plan, and ensure you know where to reach out for help if you feel you’re in danger.

  29. Nicole says:

    In a relationship where Iam abused more emotinally than verbally than physically. But all of it happens. I am beyond realizing that it is time to go, but now that its coming down to the day it seems to be getting harder. And i find myself thinking of all the GOOD things and making excuses for the bad things. I have a small child who belongs to someone else and he controls everything she is allowed to do and when I stand yo and say NO she is going to such and such activity, its a fight. I also have 2 very small dogs that he is abusive towards, and in joking I said if I ever left I was going to take them and he gets very enraged. But i cant leave them because I know if I do there will be noone there to help them! Should I feel quilty about taking our 2 dogs? Also he is always making me feel quilty about him having to pay most of the bills and in return when I do end up with a little money, he wants it but he doesnt want me to work! UGH! what do I DO!

  30. michaela says:

    It seems like your in the same position as me although there are no issues with paying bills the house is in both our names . I am so unhappy with his controlling behaviour and he also has a drink problem. 3 weeks ago after my daughters Christmas show he had too much to drink and punched me. I let him back and he seeked help from the doctor for his alcohol issues. On Christmas day he drunk a bottle of champagne to himself and over dinner verbally attacked my 14 year old daughter. I am so sad an unhappy but cannot.see a way out

  31. shelly says:

    I am in such a deep hole! I need away from this man who puts me on egg shells! I say nothing right. I do nothing right. I can be watching t.v & he’ll say “what was that look for?” The mortgage is in my name alone but we bought the house together, his name is on the deed. He didn’t have any credit so the mortgage is in my name. 5 yrs ago when the house was bought we agreed to split the expences of running the house. That lasted about 1 year. Since then it’s been topsy-turvy. Ever since it’s how things get payed & I know I’m the 1 paying out more than he is while he sluffs at a job & is capable of making waay more. He pays the lights which has gotten behing & turned off, he pays the water that has been behind & turned off he pays the satelite which has also been turned off.These have been turned off & turned back on several times. I do not like living like that. Now you know why I pay the mortgage…at least theres a roof over my head!! I’ve thought of leaving with just what i can take with me & forfeit my home & stuff because I’m afraid how he would become if he knew I planned to leave. I have a dog & a cat I can’t leave & finding an apt that is in a safe area that I can have my pets is hard to find plus takes alot of money. I can get other stuff, right now I just need to get away from his toxicness & find my own safe haven that will accept my pets, I know I can get more stuff

  32. Wendy says:

    I have known my husband for 28 years and have been married for 23 of those years.
    After he seemingly rescused myself and my two young children from a drunken abusive marriage. In the beginning he was everything I was looking for. Yes, I chose to dismiss and ignore those early red flags and that nagging feeling in the back of my mind something about him was amiss.
    When in the beginng I believed what was sweet he wanted to know of my every movement and protective when he would carefully screen each preson that I had contact with. Believed it wasn’t my money – that idea was just not neccesary- it was our money. Yet when we bought anything -it was in his name only.
    I could go on recounting the incidents one by one as the years went by.
    But I will say I did leave. And I returned. I have repeated this pattern several times and for one reason or another I have always returned. The last time I came back I decided if this time he doesn’t live up to his word that the verbal, mental, and emotional had ceased I would leave for good this time.
    I see and feel the scars that he and my first husband have left on me. I know I’m a little bit older and I sure with a bit of some type of treatment or therapy I will start to understand the whys of allowing myself to be treated like this and continually coming back for more.
    Good luck to all reading this and finding themselves in a relationship
    that leaves you with scars.

  33. Sin says:

    In my situation I am currently no longer with my abusive boyfriend. My question always was are you able to move on forward with the guy who has abused you? My ex had stopped being abusive for about a year now, but then again we weren’t as close anymore. He has stopped because he knows what he had done was wrong and should never do anything like that. I have loved him for a very long time and we have and amazing memories together. But I am not sure if I can move on from all of the hurt I endured. We were together for 2 years and throughout we always had problems, but we grew together as well. Because of my history with him and all of the things shared I always wonder if we should be together, then all of the bad things pop up and I hate it and can’t move past it. But again my question is is someone able to move on with the person who abused you? I know that we should all forgive one another but I can’t seem to forget even if I do love him.

  34. To Jane, Betty, Sammi, Glenda, Lilly, Nicole, Angel, Pamela, Ann….

    I am so sorry to hear that you’re involved in an abusive relationship — but so glad that you’re here, sharing your stories and reaching out for help!

    Please call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline — I listed the number and website above. I can’t do anything or offer personal advice or tips on leaving an abusive relationship. I don’t have the expertise or resources to give you the help you need.

    Remember that abuse is NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn’t do anything to deserve it — it’s your partner who is wrong and at fault. You deserve to live in peace, happiness, and security.

    Do yourself a favor: call the National Abuse Helpline. Give yourself the gift of help, support, guidance, and hope for the future!!!

    Do it today, and tell me how it went, okay? I can be here to listen and read your comments, but I just can’t give you personal advice or counseling.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  35. Jane says:

    Hi, I have used a fake name as I would like to be anonymous. I have just recently turned 18 & my boyfriend is also 18. We have been together for 15 months and although he hasn’t put his hands on me for a while I would like to share my story… I met him last year and we instantly got along, I have always had trouble in relationships getting cheated on and verbally abused, but I think that comes from my upbringing and how my father is towards me, he is an alcoholic and he occasionally gets violent & is constantly putting me down calling me a fat c&*t etc, I used to be a size 8 and in the past 2 years I have become a size 10-12 and he constantly tells me how fat I am and I am already so self conscious, he has also told me to go kill myself before (My father) I live with him so its hard because he drinks most of the time and I don’t have anywhere to go when he does because I ring my boyfriend at 2 am begging him to let me go to his house and stay to get away from it but he just gets angry at me and yells because he says he doesn’t know what to do and just tells me to go to sleep. At the start of the year my boyfriend and I had a big fight and he shoved me in front of all our friends and on the street, I then retaliated (This was the first time he put his hands on me) because in no way was I going to let ANY man belittle me like that, and I started screaming at him and hit him then I walked away and his friends held him back because he ran after me and they thought he was going to hurt me. We had another fight a few weeks later where he grabbed me by the back of the head and slammed my face into the dirt so hard that I literally ate a mouthful of dirt. He yells at me all the time and screams and calls me a dumb b***h and a stupid cunt and a mongrel. He has strangled me, held a knife to my throat twice and nearly killed me, he has threatened to kill me on numerous occasions even in front of his mum and she did not say anything she just comforted him while I was crying and slitting my wrists in the other room she then came in and said in a very rude tone “Turn the light off I’m the one who has the pay the bill around here” And walked away. He has grabbed me more times than I can count and left me in bed for days not being able to move because he hurt my shoulder and arm so badly. I sometimes find finger mark bruises on myself and when people ask me what its from I make excuses. The reason he chocked me and hit me is because I threw a water bottle at him (And missed) because he was verbally and emotionally abusing me, then he ran at me. I’m pretty positive that he has skitzophrenia, (no I am NOT making excuses for him) but I have grown up seeing it and I know exactly what it is and the way that he acts seems like he has it, he tells me that he hears voices in his head telling him to do bad stuff but he wont go and get himself tested for it. I often fear for my life as he blames everything on me, he says “YOUR going to make me kill you one day” “See what YOU made me do” “Its all your fault” Every time Im crying my eyes out begging him for forgiveness saying sorry even though I know it isnt my fault. It is so hard because I see the good in him and these incidents have only happened a few times, he has changed alot and I am not saying that he isnt going to do it again because he probably will, but he hasnt for months and I stay because I pray that he will change and fix himself even though he says sorry every single time straight away when he calls me names and its always the same shit. I have severe depression & anxiety as well and have had it since I was 12 and am meant to be on prozac for it, but have been off them for a year. All my family lives across the country including my mum so its hard because I have no where to go and since being with him have no friends because Im not aloud to do anything. I want everyone out there to know how hard it really is to be in an abusive relationship and leave. I pray for my life sometimes and I wonder if he actually will kill me. Its so hard because all I think in my mind is one day it will get to the point where it will be a murder suicide, he will shoot me then shoot himself because of what hes done. I dont know what the *&^%$ to do. But Im not writing my story for sympathy, Im writing my story because I want every female out there to know that if you are in an abusive relationship you need to get out before you can! It will start of verbal, and every single time he has done something to me it has gotten worse, started of with a shove, then my face in the dirt, name calling, then knife to my throat telling me he is going to kill me because Im so depressed I always feel like killing myself and he said “I will do it for you held a huge knife to me then i could see it took everything for him not to do it and that scared the shit out of me. I often wonder whats next and how long I have left. Its so hard to leave and Im just praying that he really has changed forever because I know he has now but I want it to stay this way. I guess what im trying to say is it will never get better, its just going to get worse. And once they have that control over you, you will find it so hard to leave most women dont leave their abusive relationship until they end up dead. I wish I could save every girl out there going through this heartache because I truly know how much of a heartache it is, even watching videos on it and realizing oh my god, my boyfriend does that, I cry all the time and I think I just need to be saved.

  36. Betty says:

    I can’t handle this any more! I want out! What do I need to do to leave? I have no place to go, no car or friends or family that will/can help! But I do have a part-times job!PLEASE HELP!! & May GOD Bless us all-

  37. Sammi says:

    I’m not sure if you’re here anymore, but I’d like some advice.

    I’ve got a friend that I used to be romantically involved with… bad thing is, Im terrified of saying a word against him incase he hits me. He’s never actually HIT me, but I’m largely dependant on his approval and comfort (though he doesn’t give me any these days), and I’m scared of him. What am I supposed to do?

  38. Glenda says:

    It does help to know we are not alone. I guess this happens to almost every one of us.. ): My bf sucks!!

  39. Lilly says:

    Hi. I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year and we have been living together for 6 months now. I have cheated on him so I lost his trust. We have been argued often about that. We also separated once and then we got back together. I don’t have any other man now but he just alway think that Im still cheating on him. Only one thing that Ive done now is I like to go on chat room but only chat I don’t want to go out with them as I love my boyfriend so much. The reason I’ve done that is just to get away from the pain when we argued as my boyfriend alway ignore me when we argue. And the other night, he wanted to look at my phone but I didn’t let him too because I don’t want him to see that I am on chatroom. Then he was so angry with me and last night he told me that he going to move out tonight. What can I do to get him back? I love him so much. I also confused as my girlfriends say he is not a man for me, he is a loser. He also using drug sometimes but he said he stopped using that because I asked him to. I don’t believe that. What should I do?

  40. Nicole says:

    Hello this webstie seems to be taking off and i am sorry to hear about all these woman but it also helps to know i am not alone i know at time i can be a bi but i feel like i am really stuck i have left a couple times befor but always come back i have really no stable home to go to with my son and I need to take my son whom is in school and two dogs i can’t bear to leave them but i have no car and no help i’ve been with man since i was seventeen i got with him because he had his shi together a job and other kids i got preg. of course but now i am 25 and no eduacatoin no job is allowed i should be home taking care of kids i was able to talk him into letting me help at a family shop while kids are in school i have no friends we have gotten physical in the past but now its really the things said or not said at all he gets mad if we dont have sex but i can’t evan enjoy it nemore with him everytime he touches me all i think of is all the horrable things he’s said to hurt me ihave never been alone or on my own and have no clue how to do it or where to start the paragaph on the top seems easy but i’m sure its not i really don’t know why i am writing all this i guess it helps to get it out THANKS

  41. Glenda says:

    Hi, My name is Glenda and I am 24 years old. My boyfriend that I am in love with has issues with abusing me mentally, physically, and verbally. I’ve been with him for three years on and off but mostly on. We have been through a lot and recently I think I am seeing a change in him. He always makes promises but never keeps them. This year he left me for three months, those three months I was the most scared and lonely I have ever been in my life. This year 2011; me being weak minded took “x” for the first time in my life because I felt depressed and lonely. All I wanted was for the pain to go away. My bf has kicked me, pushed me, bitten me, you name it. I’ve done the same. I never back down. Also, it started by him breaking my things for example, expensive cell phone, my glasses, my curling irons, my I.D card, mac makeup, vehicle ect ect. Pretty much things I use everyday and need. I think he drove me to the point were I became crazy, I was never like this. & look at me now posting this blog @ 3:02am. He literally got me to that point and he involves his mom to much, which only makes things worst. My family used to love him but now everyone does not like him. This year during these past 2 months things have been changing, we have never been so close and happy I think it’s because of the last major break up we had. It opened up both our eyes. We were living together and we didn’t even last 2 months. Like the saying goes, “I can’t live with you but, I can’t live with out you.” lol I told him we were not ready but did not listen… One night I was so angry at him that I got drunk with my sister at a bar. He hates that so I did it intentionally to get him mad. Anyway, I got home around 2:30 am that night and there he is angry standing up in front of the door waiting for me, starts tearing off my clothes. Fighting begins, he calls his mom, I get kicked out of the house, everything blamed on me, my mom rescues me and prohibits me for ever seeing him again. Everyone had enough, even the most supportive one of them all towards my relationship, my mom <3… Now, my bf sees how he took me for granted, he still blames it on me for blowing up on his mom but hey a person can only take so much and I'm sorry that, that night I burst-ted into flames. Always making fun of me or saying little comments that I snapped. After that night everything was a mess.. Did not know what to do.. Things are better now. I truly hope God lets us keep this love we have going on right now forever, everything seems better, we argue about things but not like before.. I just hope I am not being stupid and naive. I am really deeply in love with my bf he tells me the same thing everyday. He says I am the most beautiful thing that has happened to him in his life and that we both opened up our eyes for a better future. I don't know why but I believe him.

  42. angel09 says:

    I am 23 yrs of age, my relationship has been just ova fyv years now…. & ive been thru it all. i have walked, left and done it but i just end up back to square one, why do i always believe he will change? is it cos hes my kids father??? ive had a lot of support throughout, i reali want to be this strong women but i just fynd it so hard to believe ders more to me and my life alone, he doesnt respect me, he has the worst vile mouth ever and his actions in the past havent been the greatest… i reali wish i cud jus switch off…. i knw i dont need him, i have even accepted this is how its always going to be but i just cant seem to tear myself away..! i want more for my kids and myself i just need this willpower to do so. any advice ??

  43. Pamela says:

    I left an abusive marriage about ten years ago. My ex was mostly verbally abusive (the type of man who literally NOTHING was ever quite perfect enough for, he would encourage our kids to mock me, make me walk behind him on the street, verbally harangue me for hours – you name it), although at times physically abusive as well. In our entire 16 years of marriage he never showed me one ounce of respect, even going so far as to remark when he got life insurance that there was “no point” in getting life insurance on me because I was worthless. He is also supremely manipulative. I left the marriage with virtually nothing, despite the fact (or maybe because of it) that he is a Philadelphia lawyer. What has been difficult is that nearly everyone in my family, which has a history of women being verbally and physically abused and seems to find it acceptable behavior, has taken his side. Despite the fact that my friends and my oldest daughter (she saw the abuse first hand) have been supportive, the fact that my family has virtually deserted me has been tough. Do you have any suggestions?

  44. Ann says:

    I have been married for 30 years and am now 51 my son is 29 and I got out of a bad emotional relationship, he followed me and I continued to live on my own. but my son had an accident which rendered him with a severe brain injury he has a beautiful 2 yr old daughter…and a mortgage on a half built house…his ex left him after 11 years. He had a massive brain clot after a fall and could not walk talk use his bodily functions..I had to move in with my x in order to care for my son whom I love unconditionally. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 15 yrs ago and am back in college one full day a week…Now my x is always angry as he always used be, but was good until I gave in to him…I had to move back to the family home and now he is watching my every move I cant go into the abuse but it was mental, Sexual, emotional and financial I have pain all over my body because I am in demand from him my very damaged son and my grandaughter 2 days every week I love them all but know if I stay and be the good wife, mother grandmother I will suffer…how do I leave a son that needs me so much, He is in physio and speech therepy and I have to be there for him…I feel suicidal..and desperate Help????????My siblings believe he, my husband is charasmatic and a very quite man.I tried to tell them but they told me they look to him as a father as I was the mother figure of my 5 brothers….

  45. amanda says:

    hi I am being abused emotionally phycaly and mentally I have 4 kids with this guy and have been with him on and off for the last 8 yrs I am 25 yrs old I want to leave him but I have no money I have no where to go and I am scared that I will not be able to cope with 4 kids under 8 on my own I have a car and no how to drive just like everyone else but am only on my learners everything in my house apart from 1 tv I bought myself when we were not together if I leave where do I go with what money no licence ? Its hard to walk away without all of my things aswell as I worked so hard to get them and took me so long to get what I have but I can’t afford to take it all with me as I have no way of doing it my kids think their dad is grate even though he is not thay sometimes see the abuse and I hate it because thay now think it is normal when I no its not thay r all girls and I hate that thay very well will except its ok for this to happen to them my mother was in an abusive relationship and still is and when I was younger I used to say I would never do that to my kids or my self but I have , I have Tryd to leave once but he wouldn’t let me take my kids I left for maybe 10 mins cos I couldn’t just walk out on them as thay r my life I don’t no what to do or how to get out and really need some help thanks

  46. Max says:

    Well my mom got remarried when I was around 8 and once she finally married my stepdad, he started acting how he really is. He emotionally abuses my mom, brother and me for around 7 years. I am 15 today and he caught my brother with workout supplements in his room and punched my brother in the face. He was bleeding everywhere. He’s hit mom mom many of times but whenever my older brother tries to tell him to stop he yells at my brother and threatens him. Yesterday he choked me, hit me in the face then pushed me on the concrete. I don’t fight back because he used to take steroids and is big. I already have planned out my friend who I will live with and their parents are ok with it too. The only thing stopping me from leaving is my mom. She will be trapped their with him and I don’t want him to hurt her because I ran away. I do not want to contact police. And my mom talks about wanting to leave but never follows through with it and says she doesn’t kno what to do with the animals. We have 6 dogs. But I am really tired of being treated like shit and told that I’m worthless and threatened almost everyday by this pysco path. Oh and my real father is dead that’s why I can’t live with him. What should I do? Please help me

  47. stuck says:

    I’ve been with a man for 5 yrs and we are married. Last mothers day I went to his phone and discovered numerous sexual texts from other men. Along with some sex chat line number for man on his phone. He has been mentally and physically abuse since early in the relationship. He drinks. I’ve been kicked(i was bothering him, so he pushed me out ofbed and kicked me in the back and head for a couple mins, the blanket was around me so ‘he didnt realize it was hurting me’), pushed, punched, choked, shankin, and thrown… i weight 94 lbs and am 5’1 , he weights 190 and is 6’2. He scares me but him being around makes me feel so safe. I know I need to end this and I kicked him out, but it’s only been a short span of time and Im shaking because I don’t like to be alone. I have a five yr old so I’m ok until he goes to bed. Then the emptiness seeps into my soul and I need love. I know I should’nt call him, but I dont know how not to… He’s very handsome and cunning like a sociapath so… I seem to be hopeless smitten, even though I’m unhappy and need to change this situation

  48. Dear Ashley,

    Yes, your relationship is abusive!

    Here’s an article that will help you see how much he’s abusing you:

    What is a Healthy Relationship? 5 Signs of Real Love

    What do you think you should do? Are you ready to leave him?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  49. Dear Nicole,

    In order to leave your abusive relationship once and for all, you need to eat a piece of humble pie. Let your friend help you — and remember that you will return the favor one day! Your friend will need you to help her, or another friend will need help with a major life situation.

    It’ll be like having a roommate for a couple of months, while you get back on your feet. I bet you’ll have your electric bill paid off sooner than you think — it might be good to take any job you can while you get back on your feet financially. Then, when things are stable, you can look for a job that you’re educated for and want to do.

    In friendship and life, sometimes we need help. Other times we’re the strong ones and we give help. Right now, you need to let your friend be a friend – because that’s what she really wants to do – and accept her offer.

    I wish you all the best, and hope you can leave the relationship once and for all!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  50. Dear Laura,

    My advice is to trust your gut instinct and STAY broken up! Your boyfriend won’t get less abusive as time goes by. Your relationship will become more abusive, and it’ll be more difficult to leave him when you have a child.

    To make sure you don’t have any custody problems, write down every instance of physical and emotional abuse. Write down the dates, times, and what exactly he did. Save all the text messages, emails, and voice mail messages.

    And, call the National Domestic Violence hotline and ask for help. I don’t know the specifics about how to protect yourself — they are the experts who can help you leave that abusive man once and for all!

    Remember that the longer you stay with him, the harder it is to leave. Do everything you can to stay away from him — be strong and courageous.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  51. Nicole says:

    I just left an emotionally abusive relationship for the 4th time. I don’t know why I keep going back to him. I think it’s because he never allowed me to work when we were together and so when I leave, I freak out about money and then go back to him. I am SO TIRED of the cycle of me allowing this to continue to happen to me. I have lived at the YWCA twice and may go back there. However, I can’t imagine living in a shelter again. A friend offered for me to stay with her but I feel so embarrassed about not having any money right now that I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not. I totally feel like I am loosing my mind! I am educated and worked in the past before I met him. I ALWAYS had a job. But, the economy crumbled and then I met my abuser. Now I’m past due on even my electric bill! So, I can’t even get an apartment until that is paid off! I do not want to keep going back to him! I can’t imagine going back to him again and putting not just myself, but my family threw more anguish! PLEASE, PLEASE give me some advise…. I just don’t know what to do, I feel sooooo lost!
    Thank You!
    Nicole

  52. Ashley says:

    I moved across the country for my boyfriend of 2 years and we’ve been living together for a year now. I always wonder if our relationship is abusive because everything always gets spun around to be my fault, he calls me horrible names whenever we fight even though I’ve asked him countless times not to use those words to describe any woman. If I make any mistake it’s literally the end of the world and he loses his temper, punches walls, screams at me, throws things… I get scared sometimes when he acts like that. He’s never touched me but I’ve honestly also been treated that poorly by someone who loves me… Also, he gets mad if I work too much but even more mad if I don’t have a job. He has to approve of everything before I make a decision. I’ve had to cut friends out of my life because he felt threatened. And when I first moved in with him, he basically controlled me because if money… Any advice?

  53. Michelle says:

    I have been with my current partner for 4 years now and I have 2 children from my ex husband, they are 10 and 11 years old, my partner has always liked to have a few glasses of wine when he got home from work, which was never a problem, oh yeah forgot to mention that myself and boys moved in with my partner about 3 years ago, about 3 months into us living together things started to change, he became very abusive, towards myself and boys, and we would then argue, never in front of the kids, but the kids could always hear as we live in a bungalow, my partner in 2009 hit me and broke my ribs, I never reported it however I did speak to my ex husband whom then reported it to the police, mt partner was arrested and kept in a cell over night and was given a caution, all was ok for a while, then things started to change again, my partner would not let my boys have friends around to stay or play, which to me there was never a problem and when I did agree to my boys having a friend round my partner would either hit me or start an argument my partner drinking has got totally out of control, he blames me and my boys for the amount he drinks, he gets through about 4 liters of vodka a week, he says he does not have a problem, he blames work, and life for his addiction, I have left him twice and come back twice, I feel totally trapped and isolated, and I want to leave him for good this time

  54. laura marshall says:

    i am 19 years old and have been with my boyfriend roughly 6 months. when we first got together he was extremely paranoid and starting to become possessive of me. we took a break and he promised to change and i took him back, i found out 4 weeks ago i am pregnant, and since then he has threatened to hit me, has tried to stop me seeing my friends and has become more paranoid of me cheating on him. I am breaking up with him but am scared about the child and the lengths he will go to to get custody etc of him/her. i know i am not going to put up with him anymore but I dont know what rights he has with the child, and not sure I am strong enough to not take him back if he starts coming round my mums etc to try and get me back. it is hard to focus on the bad things he has said to me, when he can be such a manipulative person. just thought id ask for some advice :)

  55. Jen says:

    Hi there. Im in a abusive relationship both physically and mentally, its soo hard for me to leave. When we are happy (not fighting) I could never leave, I get teh urge whenever we fight but I know that I will miss what its liek when were not fighting. But really I am walking on eggshells every day never knowing whats going to set him off, even if I take “too” long to say good night to the kids, he gets pretty upset. Or if my one son who is only 2 says goodnight mom and not dad than that starts a big fight. Its very hard to deal with never knowing whats gonna upset him, Ive become a very silent person. I do not go out much, and the car I bought Im usually not able to use, he does. He has such a hold of me but yet I cant leave. I am one of those woman who doesnt want to leave because of my children, they love him soo much and we are a very tight family other than what happens behind closed doors, and I couldnt imagine seperating them at such a young age too.

  56. Thanks, Laura, for your encouragement for women stuck in an abusive relationship! It’s great to hear how you left, and how happy you are now.

    If anyone wants to contact Laura to get personal support, please leave a comment here. I’ll privately email her your email address, and your comment or question for her.

    I wish I could help every woman leave an abusive relationship, but all I can do is urge you to reach out to the resources in your community. I can’t offer personal counseling or advice. The best way to get support to leave is to call social services, a church, even a school — just start making calls! You WILL find the right people to help you leave, but you have to make the first move. And the second move, and the third one…it’s really hard to leave an emotionally or physically abusive relationship BUT YOU CAN DO IT.

    Also, try to find women who have survived abuse and left their abusers, like Laura. Surround yourself with strong, healthy women who know what you’re going through. They know your relationship from the inside out, and can make a big difference in your journey out.

    I wish you all the best, and welcome you to keep telling your stories here.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  57. Laura L says:

    Beth,

    I left an abusive relationship with 2 children – 2 years ago. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my girls. Alcholic, compulive liar, no filter on his emotions/no sense of accountabililty for his actions. My soul was deadened.

    You have to just “jump”. It’s incredibly scary, but so is the relationship. It cant get much worse when you leave. If it does, you have the sole adult power (without his noxious hindrance) to control how your life goes. I left w/no money, no job, no home to go to. I moved back in w/family (very crowded) until i could get set up with work, state assistance (whatever), car and home.

    2 years later, I’ve met an incredible man. But, even before that, the air smelled cleaner away from him. I started smiling again, everything. Do it for your kids. Find a way – a shelter, anything. If you want further help, respond to this post – I’ll call you if need be. I’m happy to help – the help I got saved me. : )

    Laura

  58. Beth says:

    Hi, I’m Beth. I am 22 yrs old with a 3 yr old son (well hell be 3 end of the month) and am expecting another child in April. I have been with my husband for 4 1/2 yrs, and got married this past February. Hes a serious addict of anything and everything he can get his hands on. For a while he stopped but ended up doing it behind my back, thinking I wouldnt notice the changes in himself. He has said repeatedly he hopes I have a miscarriage, that Im a slut, cunt, whore, etc etc in bad names. Asking him the simpliest of questions is like throwing a hand gernade in my house, hoping it was a dud. He has consistently physically abused me for so long, I use to never hit back, but it got to the point where I couldnt take getting beaten up without defending myself. He has been arrested 4 times just with me for domestic violence, 1 time of the 4 being also charged with endangering a child. He expects my family to give him everything he needs and wants, but will constantly be ignorant to them or me about them. His own mother has dropped him out of her life because of the things he does. He was supposed to go to DACC classes, got them court ordered March 2010 and has only been to a few. He is currently on probation for the last domestic. Due to him I have CYF in my life because they see him as the problem, due to his drug use, abuse, and non compliance with courts. But now if I say anything to them or anyone associated with them about his behaviors, I will lose my son and I dont think thats fair. He refuses to get a job, he says I want him to work so I can go be a whore. I have lost my disability checks because he called the SS office and reported that I am capable of working and I am trying to get a free ride in life, which Im not. He has broken just about everything valuable or sentimental I own, including some of my sons things. I had gotten a PFA on him in April, where he was arrested less than 24 hours of it being active, he got out of jail and immediately came to my home, harrassing me, trying to break in, and blowing up my phone. I finally called a friend and they arrested him yet again. Once again he comes back to my home after getting released, doing the same things, my son & I couldnt even leave our home safely. I called the cops numerous times but no one would arrest him, even with him being physically on my property. I finally call the PFA judge and he makes it so the local cops arrest him. He got out again, and at that point I had no choice to let him come into the house, because I couldnt keep putting my son through the drama of him going to jail and coming back to harass us, just to go back to jail. About a month later I took my son on a vacation to Florida, without my husband, and we had such a good time getting away from him and his drama. My family lived across a friends home that she was going to rent to us, but my husband threatened to get on the next plane and come down there to make sure we came home, he was already at the airport. I had no choice but to leave when my plane was planned for, to ensure my family’s safety in Florida. I am now pregnant with our second child because he basically raped me, and what I mean by that is, in our state they consider unwanted sex when married not rape because they believe if youre married youre having consenual sex and calling rape is because youre mad at the person. But thats not how this was, I repeatedly told him no, but he overpowered me and made sure to get his penis in me, I literally just laid there while he did it. He has since then kicked me in my stomach repeatedly, hit me in front of my son, and makes it so I am not allowed to speak, because he will beat me up. I dont have the money to move across the country like I wish I could, Im basically getting through day by day on my sons SSI check which is covering mostly everything for him, and very little for me. Im pretty much barely eating 1 meal a day, and drinking as much tap water as I can to stay hydrated, Im doing this because I want to make sure my sons eating and drinking when he wants and can. No family will help me, no friends can help me, and I truely think that Im going to have a miscarriage from this, lose my son, and probaby be dead by the end of the year. Authorities wont do anything so going to them just pisses my husband off more, and makes it worse on me and my son. I need help but at this point I dont know what I can do or where I can go to make my son, unborn child, and myself safe. Please any help will be appreciated.

  59. Augusta says:

    AM TIRED OF BEING MOLESTED I WANT TO QUIT OUT OF MY RELATIONSHIP,

  60. Anon. says:

    I’m 19 years old, preganant with my first baby due in Dec.
    I’ve been in a relationship with my bf for almost 3 years.
    I feel so emotionally and mentally abused but I find it so hard to leave.
    We used to physically abuse eachother because arguing leads from one thing to another.
    He lies alot like telling me he’s sleeping when really he’s out partying.
    I wouldn’t be so upset if only he didn’t lie to me in the first place.
    2 years ago I was pregnant and I had an abortion.
    Not only was it so emotional for me to have gone through that
    But while we were both waiting in the waiting room
    Waiting to be called in, his ex gf was there ( I didn’t know at the time because he never told me)
    Then a couple months later I’m just browsing through his phone I find text messages
    From him to his ex gf. I had to call her to see who she was and found out from her
    That she was there that day and he told her that he didn’t have a gf..
    I talked to him about it and of course he was sorry and said that he
    Would change and blah blah blah so I stayed with him.
    Maybe I’m scared that I will never find someone who will
    Love me better. But anyways I’m pregnant now an anytime I wanted to
    See him I would have to literally tell him he needs to come see me
    Or I threaten that it’s over I know it’s not a good thing to do
    But there’s no other way to get him to be with me
    Especially since now is the time I need him the most
    I see him maybe once a week. He’s usually out doing things
    Not caring about how I feel or how he should be spending
    Time with me. We argue about the same things every single day
    It’s the the same routine. I’m sick of it. I tell him that I’m done but I’ve
    Said that so many times in the past that everytime I say it now
    He dosent take me serious. I don’t know what to do anymore.
    I know he loves me and I love him I can’t see myself without him
    But our relationship is unhealthy I’ve suggested counseling but he
    Refuses to go. And secretly, I think he’s too embarrassed to bring me
    Around his friends and family or even out in public.
    I’m tired of this love-hate relationship, HELP!

  61. Amy says:

    Katie,

    I wish there was some way for me to tell you that everything will eventually be okay. So much of your husband’s behavior reminds me of my ex-husband. I am now 35 years old. I have spent more than half of my life with him. I began dating him when I was not yet 13. I loved him more than life itself. I remember him once telling me he would never hit a woman. I was so attracted to that attitude. However, as time went by, he bullied me verbally…mostly by being so jealous, and then making me feel like it was my fault for hurting him. By the time I was 16, he had smacked me while I was driving. It was one thing after another…months…or even years apart though. He filled the in between times with a lot of fun. We married when I was almost 20, he 24, and things never got much better. He would take it out on me anytime he was stressed…or “wronged” in any way. Somehow I was “taking up for the policeman” when he got a ticket…for example. Anyways, 3 sons later…here I am…married to ANOTHER man. I know this is hard to believe. I didn’t realize there were men out there that would NEVER abuse you…to that extent, and knowingly anyways. My husband now really cares about my FEELINGS…can you believe it? It’s amazing. I really had to endure a LOT of hurt and emotional and verbal abuse. He even abused me by telling me what OTHER people thought of me…for some reason I cared about what others thought about me. That was a tool for him. But now, I realize the ones that matter are the ones that want to matter to me. You deserve to be happy. I doubt your husband will change. If his personality type allows him to abuse you in the first place…he will always abuse you…and he will always feel it was justified. This is not a real man. Do I still love him? Yes, but not the same way. I sometimes wish I did not have to endure the things I did. I also wish I could have made a difference in him…but no one can…and that is NOT a reflection of your qualities as a woman. I wish him the best…but what is just is. I hope you find the strength to endure hell…so that you can eventually prevail.

  62. Allan says:

    @jenn
    Hey Jenn, in regards to your question the only advice I can give you is to start over again, just like it is recommended on this post, the good thing is that you don’t have to leave family because there is none in your state, so you can just move back to your family or to another state and start over again, hope this helps!

  63. P says:

    I’ve been married for 37 years and the first time my husband was abusive (he bit me on the arm in an argument) i was pregnant with my daughter. I now work 2 days a week and look after my grandson 3 days a week. The abuse still carries on, mostly verbal but physical too. He denies he hits me (he says I would be in hospital if he really wanted to hurt me) but he drags me, pushes me, and blames me for making him angry. Since I hit the menapause I find myself becoming abusive myself when he starts (although I’d never be daft enough to hit him first). I just want out but I am so close to my daughter and help her a lot. She knows her dad is very bad tempered but not about the physical abuse. Ive promised to look after her next child until it goes to school as she is not that well off herself. I’m in a situation I feel i cant get out of. Financially I have not much money (its all in my husbands name and he says its his) and I want to help my daughter so much. I’m so unhappy, sometimes I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

  64. Masha says:

    I think I’m finally ready to go. I like what you said (“I can do it!!) my husband and I have been together for 10 yrs. the last 4 or more it’s been on and off agaian emotional abuse. My spirit is dead, I feel broken. We have a 7 yr old son together which makes things so complicated. My husband talks so badly to our son, that he is getting abusive to me and doesn’t want me around. That was the only last reason for staying. I have terrible painful health problems, I wonder why, of course I know why. I know found out I have Lyme disease and need to be treated, I’m scared cuz the treatment is so hard,my husband says if I don’t stay here I’ll never make it through treatment, but I also know if I stay I will Not heal with the hate from him.I’m scared out of my mind about finances, I’m on SSDI and P/T unemployment with no one to help me, at this point I’m not able to work. I’d have to find a room for no more than $380 a month. I am so confued, One minute he acts loving, the next he is threatening to kill me and shutting me up by putting his hand over my face. I need strength and courage so bad, otherwise it could be another year before I get enough sanity to want to leave. I’m SO scared! I just want to have serenity and safeness, predictability, and peace. Any comments would be apppreciated.

  65. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Jenn,

    You need to ask your counselor for help leaving this abusive marriage. You don’t need friends or family to help you leave your abusive husband (though it helps to have support like that!).

    If you can find a shelter for women, you’ll see that you’re not alone! There are thousands of woman out there who don’t have friends or family to go to, but who leave their abusive marriages. It’s sad — but it should give you hope and faith that YOU CAN DO IT.

    Talk to your counselor about your options. Ask if there are support groups for abusive relationships, and if there are financial resources available. The only way to find out is to ask, ask, ask!

    What does your counselor say about how to leave this abusive relationship?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  66. lonely says:

    I just left an abusive relationship. I have been gone for 6 days. I am so scared and a part of me just wants to go back. However, I know that if I do it will be the same. He gets mad at me for working, but he gets mad at me for not working. He constantly makes me feel like crap. I second guess everything. I am doing this more for my children than me, but when my kids are hurting because of my decision I starting asking if I made the right decision. My whole existence is based off of this man. I cannot make a move with out first getting permission and now I feel lost. I need to do this for myself so that I can move forward with my life. I am at the point that I need more for myself but as long as I am in this relationship I cannot move. This is very hard and I hope that I have strength to make it another day. I pray on it and put it in Gods hands and I try to remember that “the will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you”

  67. Cece says:

    Laura : what you need to do is call his parents and have them come get him and his crap. Have his stiff outside for him. Change the locks before he gets home and call his parents to pick his sorry ass up. Trust me staying with him won’t get any better just worse.

    However I’m I’n a bad marriage and I feel stuck with no Job it feels like no way out. I’m much stronger than this. But can’t seem to get on my feet. I feel like prey staying here with him to pick on me anytime he feels like it. It makes me so vulnerbul. Sometimes when I go for interviews I really think this could be my way out. But then it’s not and I often feel like killing myself. Idk but it’s hard to deal with a liar alcoholic abuser. A shelter I considered it. But it’s just 30 days at the most. Here I can tolerate the bull and stay longer than that. I’m I’n to deep theres no way out

  68. jenn says:

    My partner and i fight ALL the time. We have been together for 6 years and for the last 3 it’s been like this. Violence has played apart from both him and more recently me. I am losing my mind! We have two children together that have heard and seen us argue. Most recently we started counceling where we were given rules to live by to improve our over all comunication and relationship, here lyes the problem, I have to follow them but he gets to choose when they aply to him. I’ve tryed everything with this man, and i can’t take it anymore! I have no family where i live and hardly and friends that arn’t already sick of us. please what do i do now?

  69. sheryl says:

    Katie;

    I’m one to relate. Except I’ve still not left. Married to my abuser for 19yrs. It wasn’t until about 2yrs ago did I start standing up to him and putting my foot down. I’ll tell you from alot of experience that 99% of the time they WILL revert back to old behaviors. For my husband it was as soon as he felt comfortable in the marriage again (ie my not leaving him), Do some research on the internet and learn the cycles of abuse. My husband really has changed now. He took the initiative to get help, says he didn’t realize he was still abusing me (i’ve threatened to leave many times over the years and each time he’d get a little better about how he treats me)and I see an entirely different him now. But unfortunately his changes come much too late. I stopped loving him about 10yrears ago. I don’t hate him anymore and really am glad he’s done his changing because we have a child still at home 12yrs old that there is still time to teach him a healthy way to act out your emotions. He’s insisting that if I just open up and give it a chance that there is still hope for us and I continue to tell him there’s just too much damage done. I’m not capable of loving him or even seeing any good in our marriage. He tends to still try to toss some blame because now he’s mr good guy and I’m the one throwing a marriage away. The mere fact that he is doing this tells me he’s not 100% changed. But it doesn’t matter, I really just don’t want him.

    So for you, my advice is tto stay away for an extended period of time. At LEAST 6-12 months. And even then take baby steps with him only if you’ve still got feelings for him. Don’t return out of guilt or pity. While your away you need to get help for yourself. Many women in abusive relationships are codependent. If you are, you have just as long of a road to recovery as he does. You enabled the behavior and taught him how to treat you. If you don’t get help you’ll end up in another dysfunctional marriage because you won’t attract healthy men. I’m seeing a therapist as well as going to codependency meetings weekly.

  70. Katie says:

    I have been in a relationship for 8 years married for almost 5 of those eight with 3 beautiful kids. My husband is emotionally verbally and physically abusive. He has been to me and two out of three of our children. He plays softball, works, pretty much only see him on weekends and when its convient for him. I work full time and raise the kids and do the house work and thats my life. He will help with somethings like folding laundry or something like that dishes or things.
    Anyways I finally left after all these years of being beat down. Yet here I am feeling guilty. HE says he wants to go to counseling (which i have been begging him to do for years)HE says he wants to show me the father and husband he wants and can be. He says how much he loves and hates me…how can we work things out if I am not there, how can he work things out with the kids if they arent there.
    It all started again two weeks ago the youngest was up and woke him up and he was cranky…said ill get him the one day i can sleep in and ill get up with him…i said i will get up but that wasnt enough for him. But I got up anyway and was there with them…the other kdis got up and sicne the electric was out there was no tv or air or anything. I offered to make him cereal he said no…he cursed at me calling me a dumb b@@@@ and he cursed at the kids using the f word…I shut down immediately. I started getting myself ready and the kids i went upstairs and i heard him yelling at the kids again so i went down to ask him to not speak to them that way and he told me to get the hell away from him. He threw a charger to a D.S. almost hitting our son and i said how would you have felt if that hit him? He said i dont know but I would like to know how it would feel when I am punching you in the effin face. I scooped up the kids and left, but when we were walking out the door he grabbed our middle son and took him inside, would let him leave with me. Was telling him I was tearing the family apart, and I dont love his daddy anymore. I had to call his parents.
    Anyways, I have been doing good…I thought and now hes willing to go to counseling, and I feel that I owe him a chance to make ammends. He makes me feel guilty for him not seeing the kids as much as he would like. Tells me I need to be home to see how he has changed. I am hurt confused, torn, angry..I need advice, anything. I have every right to walk away….Things just have been getting worse. But now he wants to change and see how things over the past years could be. I think its too late. Anyone out there feel the same way???

  71. Dear April,

    I think you should call a domestic violence hotline, and ask for support. I understand that you need to wait until he’s not around…but I think the longer you stay, the more the danger increases. What if you stay one day or hour too long – or one minute too long? Your partner can do a lot of damage in a few minutes. You probably know this better than I do.

    You may need to leave with hardly any belongings, and arrange for a police officer or male family members to come back with you while you pack more things up.

    Don’t worry about leaving stuff behind — you can always get more stuff! Many shelters give free stuff to women in need, especially if they’re just leaving a domestic violence situation.

    Maybe you could tell him that your kids are going for a sleepover or even a weekend at a friend’s, so it won’t look weird that you’re packing a lot of clothes and toiletries?

    I hope you find the right time to leave…and I’m sending you all good wishes and blessings…

    Laurie

  72. April says:

    I feel like such a fool! I have been married for 2 years and in and out of our relationship for 12 long years. We have three children together our oldest is 9 and the twins are 7. I have been planning to leave for about 6 months now. He is verbally abusive to me and the children. And uses excessive (abusive)discipline on the boys. If I try to do anything to alleviate his overbearing nature on the children it comes back on me. As much as I want to run out the door right this moment I feel I have to wait until the time is right. I have beeen making arrangements with a family member to stay with them (out of state) so that I can get back on my feet and keep my children safe. I don’t think that he would be willing to do much to get the children back. (He has no job and won’t even attempt to look for one). He is hardly a father even living in the same house. I know that I should try to stay in this city but, all of my family lives out of state. I just need to get away from him as peacefully as possible which means waiting until he is not going to be here for a day or so. Do you think it is safe to bide my time and act like everything is status quo. After all this time waiting for the perfect moment which is only in another couple of months has to be better than the confrontation I know will occur if he catches me trying to leave. What do you think?

  73. Dear G ~ I’m sorry I missed your comment. Have you left that abusive relationship? Where are you now?

    Dear Laura ~ I think you’re getting close to leaving, too. Thoughts become action, and you’re already thinking of leaving this guy who abuses you. You don’t like being with him, and you’re getting ready to leave. Yes, I think you should go to your friend’s house and tell him it’s over by texting or calling. Get his stuff out of your house, and change the locks on your door. Talk to the police about a restraining order.

    Let me know how you’re doing. YOU CAN DO IT!!! Life is too short and precious to waste in an abusive relationship.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  74. Laura says:

    I am living with an abusive boyfriend. I feel like I am finally reaching the point of being fed up. When i have broken up with him in the past, he and my emotions have gotten the best of me and I’ve never been able to stay away. Even if i wanted to. The abuse has gotten much worse in the past couple of months. Everything I do is wrong and is my fault, even if something crappy happened at work, he finds a way to pin it on me. I am not allowed to go swimming or be seen in a bathing suit, go out to movies with friends, or barely even see my friends. I have been in this for two years and I AM TIRED OF IT!! I am tiny and only 20 years old, and have fought back before but it has only gotten me more hurt physically and emotionally. Every time I have reached out for help from my parents or friends, I have pushed them away because I have turned against them and not been able to stick with it. This is why i do not want to go to the police. I feel like I am getting close and ready to leave, for I am reaching a boiling point and pretty much can’t stand when he’s around. The only thing I’m still trying to get past is the sadness I know i will feel when he’s gone, and how to leave. I know I can easily stay at a friends house whenever I want for however long i want, but i live with him and he takes MY car to work everyday. What I want to do is go to a friend’s house and call or text him telling him it’s over and to get his things out of my house (which it is my house, he was only supposed to be staying with me until he got on his feet). I know this will work, and I know he will get out, especially if I tell his mom to make sure he foes (I know they will help me get him out). I’m just trying to mentally prepare for the hurt and guilt I will feel (even though i know I shouldn’t!)once he is gone. I know that if I can force myself to last a week without him I will be fine. i just need to get there! My 21st birthday is a week away and i want so badly to go out with my friends and enjoy it. I have a strong feeling that if he tries to keep me from not celebrating my 21st birthday that it will be my breaking point and I will finally be done. Plus if I do that I can REALLY live it up and just stay at my friend’s house. Perhaps I do have it figured out and I just needed someone to talk to. Thank you.

  75. G says:

    I am not very resilient – thus why I have sat in the situation for quite some time. I am lost and scared and don’t know what to do. This will require me abandoning my job and all that I know. If I do that I won’t be able to find another job, I won’t have references. I have been at this job for a decade now, and my previous employer doesn’t even exist any longer. I have no hopes and no chances at this point, and I have a limited time to make this decision. Basically in the next two days I am either here for life or roaming free, homeless, jobless, carless, and penniless for whatever time might then remain.

  76. Amanda,

    How did it go — did you leave this abusive man? Are you safe now?

    I hope you’re doing well, and am praying for you.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  77. Amanda says:

    Ok so I have been with my verbally abusive boyfriend for eight years. We have a two year old son together and my poor child has began to follow his fathers abusive behaviour. Even worse is that the abuse is becoming more physical with each confrontation. I know my boyfriend has past issues of sexual abuse and this is a big factor to his current behaviour but I can’t deal with it any longer. I have encouraged him to get professional help and says he will but then doesn’t. I am afraid if I stick around my son will end up treating myself and others the same way his father does. And his abuse is even extended towards his best friend whom he physically bullies. I thought for awhile I was just blowing things out of proportion but when he denied things I knew happened I began to see clearer. I am trying to make an escape from him and if I can just stay strong I will be safe with our son and away from him tomorrow. Please wish me luck all and to those in similar situations…. We can and will find peace!

  78. Thanks for your comment, Tomieka.

    I think your point is so important: if you’re in an abusive relationship, are you living a healthy or harmful lifestyle? What are you teaching your children?

    Yes, leaving an abusive relationship is so difficult…and sometimes it takes years to really be “gone”, to heal, to live in peace and freedom.

    But if not now, when?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  79. Tomieka Lindsey says:

    Whatever decision you make it’s totally up to you.I understand you want your child to grow with both parents.But you have to ask yourself if going back to your husband is a healthy or hurtful life style.Im not trying to be judgemental. But most abuser do not change until their willing to accept the problem and get psychological help for whatever issues their dealing with.that’s the only things will get better.Try to seek therapy or couseling.Best of Luck

  80. Dear lilmandy86,

    That’s a very difficult decision you have to make! I understand your confusion: you want to stay with a man who loves you and proves it in many ways…but you want your child to be raised in an intact home with mom and dad.

    I can’t tell you if you should leave your marriage and stick with your boyfriend, but I can give you a few things to think about.

    This article may help:

    Should I Leave My Husband? Help Deciding Whether to Stay or Go

    Also, I encourage you to talk to a counselor in person. You need support and guidance as you make this decision, and you need more help than I can give here. Call a help line, talk to a counselor, find a pastor, or talk to a trusted friend or family member.

    Remember that whatever you decide, whether it’s to give your marriage another chance or stay with your boyfriend, you need to commit to it 100%. Make your decision, and give it your all.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  81. lilmandy86 says:

    My situation is that my husband and I were always argueing, or not communicating and in my opinion, miserable together. He said he was leaving me for another woman at work. He told me to find someone else and be happy. It took me a bit to go for it, but I did the best I could to let go of him, and started dating another guy. My husband and I aren’t divorced yet. I’m living with my boyfriend who has been nothing but wonderful. The problem is I still think about my husband, and miss him sometimes. Recently he has told me that things didn’t work out and he apologized for the way he acted before. He wants to get back together and be a better man for me and our child. Am I being selfish for wanting to stay with this other man who treats me the way I should be treated? should I try to fix my relationship with my husband? Everything seems so confusing, I don’t want to leave something great for the same dissappointment.

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