How to Leave a Man You Love
Before the tips, a quip:
“If the shoe doesn’t fit, must we change the foot?” ~ Gloria Steinem.
If your relationship doesn’t suit you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking you have to change! Sometimes the only thing you need to change is your circumstances. It’s hard to leave a man you’ve loved forever, but it is possible.
Are you sure you want to leave this man you’ve loved for years? Read How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Relationship.
And, here are a few tips on finding the strength and courage you need to start a new chapter in your life…
Leaving a Man You’ve Loved for Years
Here are some suggestions for leaving a relationship that’s been over for years or months, motivated by a reader’s question on my article about leaving abusive relationships.
Deal with the fear that you’ll never be loved again
I’ve been stuck in bad relationships because I was scared nobody else would love me. I didn’t realize that there are plenty of good men who would love to love me, and who would be good for me! My self-esteem and self-confidence was rock bottom, and it held me back from moving on to bigger and better men. To leave your bad boyfriend, you need to build self-confidence.
Get rid of guilty feelings for leaving the man you’ve loved for years
Sometimes, women stay in bad relationships because they feel guilty, or don’t want to leave their boyfriends or husbands in a bad financial, emotional, or social situation. This is misplaced guilt and faulty reasoning! Don’t let negative emotions like fear of what people will think, fear of criticism, or guilt and shame keep you chained to a bad relationship.
If you feel like you can’t leave your man, read Why Do Women Stay in Loveless Marriages? 5 Reasons.
Picture yourself a year from now
Where do you want to be living? What do you want to be doing? Who do you want to be loving – and who do you want loving you? Often, focusing on our goals – our wish list – can give us motivation and strength to do what we need to do…even if it involves letting go of someone we love.
Accept the help you need
Here’s a sobering thought from Gloria Steinem: “If women have young children, they are one man away from welfare.” But, accepting financial help from the government is far more preferable than staying in a bad relationship! When I was a kid, we were on welfare for most of my childhood – and my mom was single, free, and independent (well, as independent as you can be when you rely on the government for support).
Start asking questions
“God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions,” said Steinem. “Once we begin to ask them, there’s no turning back.” Asking questions opens up new possibilities, new ways of thinking, new ways of being in the world!
Questions to ask yourself about your life:
- Who am I now…and who do I want to become?
- If not now, when?
- Who do I admire?
- What did I want my life to be like when I was young, naïve, idealistic, passionate?
Questions to ask yourself about bad relationships and leaving men who aren’t good for you:
- What am I getting out of this relationship, which I know is bad for me?
- Who is watching me in this relationship – my kids, nieces, neighbors, family members, friends? What are they learning about me, about life?
- What would I do about this relationship if I knew I would not fail?
You don’t need to know the answers to these questions right now. Just sit with them, let them simmer in the back of your mind. One day, you’ll be ready to make a decision to be strong and leave your partner…or be strong in a different way, and stay.
Are you struggling to find the strength to leave a man you’ve loved for years? I encourage you to listen to your gut and your brain, and do what it takes to create a life that makes you happy and fulfilled.
If you’re confused about your relationship, read Is Your Marriage Good or Bad? 3 Myths About Being Married.
Have you left your man emotionally, but not physically? I welcome your comments below…
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce
I believe there is no hope left for my relationship. I look into his eyes and I see a distant vague look other than a stoned look. His friends seem to know more about him than I do but unfortunately that has always been our problem, mates and drugs. 14yrs and 4 beautiful children and that doesn’t even seem to interest him. His father was not there growing up and so he thinks that JUST being there is enough? I believe that “any person can have a baby, but it takes a REAL person to raise one!”
I feel like he sees me more as a mother than a partner due to his mother, well , he’s got parent issues. He wasn’t the only one. His were not abusive as much as mine were. Its taken me years to re-cooperate and I still have nightmares. Anyway, He can take off and drop us like it’s hot and leave me to deal with the kids and the chores and paying the bills. I get no social life. There are get togethers but I hate having my kids around drunks, as we live in a small community, I grew up around this and it was not good. So I will go home and he stays.
When I need him to do important matters concerning our family, he makes excuses or says no, as soon as a mate rocks up – gone like the wind.
I have exhausted every avenue and cried until my well went dry. I honestly can’t stand the sight of him. All I see are lies and this stupid vacant look that makes me get this horrible ache in my throat and gut and then I just want to beat him stupid to realize that what he is doing is wrong!
He is soo lazy!!! Drops and runs. I teach the kids to pick up after themselves and he teaches them to pick up after him. Your house is allowed to be a little chaotic with children but I hate picking up after fully grown adults. He brings them around, they make a mess and take off and he leaves me to deal with the mess. He says he has to work, I did too until we had a son with a condition now I a full time Mum, which is cool. I was glad to stop work, due to working and going home to the kids and cleaning, because he did nothing back then too except what he’s still doing now.
I am a strong woman but he makes me weak. I am very independent but feel I need him. I am an honest, reliable, devoted and loving woman who loves and adores her family with every beat of her heart – So, Why am I last on his list?
I think it’s emotional blackmail he is putting me through. In previous relationship it was physical abuse and I know no one should have to endure any abuse but I would rather be beaten, for those scars go away. I hardly even think about or see myself with bruises but I remember EVERY emotional aspect of it. Abuse is Abuse though!!!
He has no spontaneity and passion and family days are ruined due to his habits. I’m bored of same ol’ same ol’. He’s unwilling to change as I have given years of time too. I believe Me and Our children deserve better. They’re used to not seeing him so it could be ok? Yeah right, believe me I’m not that gullible.
There is only one thing worse than loneliness and that is being in a relationship and feeling alone! It’s a sad and unfortunate reality and I never wanted it to be like this but it’s unhealthy for everyone concerned. I usually bottle everything in because I’m to embarrassed to allow anyone to see how stupid and pathetic I look.There are so many other factors involved but this is just the short version. So thank you for allowing me to unburden my soul as it has been so weary and draining.
Well, I’ve been on my own for three months now, but it’s really hard. I keep telling myself every day that I made the right decision. I struggle every day, because there’s always something reminding me of him, although every day it becomes less and less. But I’m really afraid of the holidays coming up; I don’t want to be alone. My oldest son is still not talking with me and I’m devastated, my kids are my life. So I’m counting on my family very heavily to help me get through this time.
All I can say at the moment is I take everything with a grain of salt and trying not to let anyone make me feel guilty, for taking care of myself. My therapist keeps telling me I have to learn to love me and I have to stop saying negative things to myself too. How do you love yourself?
I’m going to keep going along and see what happens, I hope happiness is out there for me.
Well, I’ve finally made the decision to leave, my move out date is 8/19/11 and I’m feeling so scared. I think I have all my ducks in a row, but still I have this incredible guilt for leaving him. My two boys who still live at home are really not talking to me, because I’m leaving. They are 24 and 21, old enough to understand, but still struggling with me leaving. I don’t think they remember, I am the one who always was there for them, and my husband chose to do his own thing. I’m going to therapy and it has helped tremendously. I hope this all works out and I’m making the right choice.
Dear Jennifer, Sherry, and JE,
Thank you for sharing your lives here! Jennifer and Sherry, your situations are so similar, I wrote this article for both of you:
When Guilt Keeps You in a Marriage That You Wish Was Over
I included some of JE’s advice, because it was so good.
The biggest point in my article about leaving a man you’ve loved for years is that your guilt may be misplaced or inappropriate. I explain it in the article…but the crux of it is, Why do you feel guilty for leaving a relationship that makes you unhappy?
I guess you have to make a choice between hurting him or continuing to hurt yourself. And truthfully, staying with a man out of guilt isn’t NOT hurting him. You may be doing him a disservice, because he’s not moving on or growing, either.
I hope the article helps, and welcome your thoughts. Let me know what happens – what you decide to do!
Blessings,
Laurie
Sherry- I dont know if anyone has responded to you yet- but I know how you feel. I realize that you have been married for MUCH longer than I have, but I have been with my husband for 6 years and married 3. Before we got married, he had drug addictions, bad financial problems and irresponsibility, and issues with attention/ emailing/ texting other women (which I caught him doing). Then we got married. The finances continued to be terrible…and then I recently caught him in a WAY too close sexually charged and possibly physically intimate “friendship” with a girl from his school while I was working my butt off to support him since he was in school full time AND right after I had a miscarriage for our first pregnancy. Now we are in terrible debt and my emotional and physical health is seriously at risk from all the stress. His behavior has remained the same over the years regardless of how many talks we have had about it all. I even tried therapy. At this point, I just realized that this is not how I want to live my life and none of this is OK. Even if he were to ACTUALLY be able to change, he has already taken so many years from me…and I am taking the rest of my years for myself. I too still feel immense guilt for “doing this to him.” I sometimes forget what it is that HE did to ME. We are now separated and it is still really hard. But everyday I wake up telling myself that I am worth it. I deserve to be respected and loved. Writing in a journal, getting family/ friend support, and a good therapist are the keys.
I own the condo where we live, and my lawyer basically told me to ask him to leave, and then change the locks. If you want to leave this relationship, make sure you talk to someone you trust about this first and if you can, get a lawyer. Don’t try to do it alone. Reach out. I wish you good luck and prayers!
I understand how you feel, I’ve been married for 25yrs and my marriage has been over for many years. Don’t get me wrong I do love this man but I not in love with him anymore. Our relationship has been one sided and I was always trying to please him. He never talks to me or wants to know how I’m doing. I’ve been living with him but yet I’m so alone. My husband only thinks about himself and what make him happy. I told him I want to leave, but he keeps saying he’ll change and never does.
I’ve been trying to leave but he makes me feel so guilty. He keeps telling me to wait until after the holidays and it will be easier for him, but what about me? I know I deserve to be happy, but I can’t shake the guilt. How do you leave? Do you leave while he’s at work, or leave while he’s at home? I’m so confused.
Hi, your column helped me…but I am still struggling what to do…
My relationship was over for three years..but I kept
plugging along cause I didn’t want to hurt him and
also it’s hard to leave after a 8 year relationship.
So we just kept being miserable (putting on a good show
for friends) and just plugging along…I was hurting inside
and was really resenting my fiancée for how we were,
how I felt unloved…kept wanting it over…
So I found comfort in online chat rooms…met
someone and had an online relationship for a year…
And still kept wanting it to be over with my fiancée…
Now he has found out and I feel so guilty for not
dealing with things sooner….
Now I feel guilty for what I did and feel responsible for my
fiancees feelings cause I hurt him…I have still pain
From how we used to be…how sad I was, but now he’s saying
We are going to work it out… I see how he is affected
and I can’t stomach how I hurt him…but how could we
ever get over it…we were over a long time ago…plus
I still resent him for the years of misery…but
my guilt keeps me back…keeps me staying cause
I don’t want to hurt him more…plus I do care about him still…
I don’t want to hurt anyone….please offer me some advice…
Dear Bianca,
I’m sorry to hear that your husband is so distant from you. Maybe he’s dealing with military stress, and is shutting down emotionally because of that. Regardless of why he’s behaving like that, it must be so painful to be in a marriage without love or connection.
It must be difficult – not just to leave a man you’ve loved for years, but to have two young daughters. I hope you can find the strength and courage to leave your marriage, and be happy again.
Blessings,
Laurie
My husband is currently deployed 3 months on his deployment he emotionally shut down on me.. no ilove yous no i miss yous and just really impersonal emails… the rare chance he would skype – he would just catalog all my faults.. really negative about everything.. he said nothing is fixable.. I thought it was just the stress of deployment.. then he came home for two weeks mid-tour leave.. he was cold and detached, no sex no affection or anything then told me he doesn’t love me anymore and in fact was rewriting history.. he said he never loved me anymore and that we were never happy.. I mean we had the usual fights but nothing drastic..We have a 3.5 yr old daughter and a 22 month old daughter. He is now back overseas fighting the war. I also started detaching.. I don’t email or skype. Unless he initiates contact. The rare times we do talk to each other we just end up fighting.. I am so heartbroken. I love him but I can’t force him to love me and stay in this marriage. I am taking it one day at a time.. and praying for enough courage to walk out of this marriage with my dignity, pride and self-respect intact.