How Do I Deal With My Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife?
If your husband has a toxic ex-wife who causes problems in your marriage, these ways to deal with first or previous marriages might help! 
Before the tips, a quip:
“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb,” says relationship expert and author Barbara De Angelis. “It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.”
Part of loving your spouse is learning to cope with his first wife! Read Remarriage Checkup, The: Tools to Help Your Marriage Last a Lifetime
6 Ways to Deal With My Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife
1. Invite your husband’s ex-wife for coffee. One of the best ways to build a healthy remarriage is to get your husband’s ex-wife on your side. I know this sounds outrageous, but think about calling her up, telling her you want the best for her kids, and asking if she can make time to meet you for an hour or so. Tell her you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Compliment her on how she’s raising them – she must have done something right over the years!
2. Let your husband’s ex-wife get to know you. You want to help her get to know who you are as a person. She’ll be less likely to criticize you if she knows you. It’s incredibly easy to criticize people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex-husband and her kids probably like you. Of course she’s an angry ex-wife – you’re succeeding in areas she “failed”). But, it’s more difficult to criticize people we know and love.
3. Tell your husband’s ex-wife what she did and does right. Is she a good mother? Does she have a super clean or well-decorated house? Focus on what she does well, and tell her how much you admire that trait. You’re not being a sycophant or brown noser; you’re focusing on the positive qualities of your husband’s ex-wife. That might soften her, make her less angry or negative. To build a better marriage, you might need to take the first step towards peace and friendship.
4. Read about dealing with difficult or toxic people. The more you learn about coping with angry, unreasonable people – and setting your boundaries – the better off you’ll be. Do whatever it takes to make your remarriage successful: attend workshops, read books with your husband, go to family counseling. Learn how to dial down your own angry, frustrated responses and how to get the most out of your new marriage.
5. Leave your step children out of it. No matter how angry his ex-wife is, or how frustrated or hurt you are, don’t involve your husband’s kids in the problems. The kids are (probably) innocent bystanders – and you’d be better off focusing on connecting with your step children instead of involving them in adult marriage and remarriage problems.
6. Forgive your husband for his past choices. If you think your husband made a bad marriage choice in the past, shake off your resentment or anger. He was a different person when he met and married his first wife – and so was she. He made the best decision he could, he fell in love, and he thought he was doing the right thing. Don’t make him pay now for a decision he made years ago…that’ll just tear at the fabric of your marriage. Instead, accept him for who he is as a whole man – and that includes his first marriage and his angry ex-wife.
If you have questions or thoughts on dealing with your husband’s ex-wife, please comment below…
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Comment by AJ on 21 March 2010:
I just don’t understand why the step-mom has to bite her tongue and be the nice person ALL the time. If I don’t like the ex as a person or a suitable mother, due to her going above and beyond a disrespectful level to me, why should I be the “quiet” one? Even though she has gone to many lengths to make me miserable, if she asks me to do something, I do it. I only do these favors so I know that the daughter is in good hands and is being taken care of with us. However, I feel like enough is enough now and that I need to stick up for myself. It just doesn’t seem possible for that to happen without WWIII breaking loose!
Comment by Christy on 24 March 2010:
I agree with AJ. My husband and I have been married for 10 months now. He has 2 children with his ex, but has a 22 year old son from a marriage before her. She always resented this stepson…until I began to bond with him. Now she is playing supermom to him, and is trying to bond with my new parent-in-laws. She is even calling my sister-in-law (my best friend for 10 years) to spend time with her daughters (she never was this person while she was actually in the family). She reads my Facebook and Myspace status and calls husband, or kids to see if I am telling the truth or to find out what I am talking about. Husband feels I should change….he thinks I should give up my facebook and myspace to keep her from being offended at my posts about how happy we are together. Why should I change my lifestyle or myself to protect her insecurities?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 26 March 2010:
Thanks for your thoughts, AJ and Christy!
I don’t think the step-mom or new wife should be the one to make all the concessions all the time…nor do I think she should change her lifestyle or her personality. But, if her husband has a toxic ex-wfie, then she needs to find ways to make life easier for her and her husband.
After all, if she doesn’t, who will? Her husband, yes…but the toxic ex-wife sure won’t! The ex-wife doesn’t usually care if her ex-husband’s new marriage is going well.
So, I guess I wrote this article to try to empower the women who can make a difference…and that’s women like you, AJ and Christy! I don’t think it’s fair that you should make changes in your life, but that may be the best way to smooth the whole thing.
Which is why I encourage new wives to make friends with the ex-wife, if possible! Because being on friendly terms might sweeten up the ex-wife, and make her less toxic.
What do you think?
Laurie
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post…Save Money on Getting Married – Budget Tips for Brides and Grooms
Comment by Tracey on 7 April 2010:
I am an ex-wife. My husband is remarried and lives out of state. I do not get along with his ex wife at all. She makes comments to me like “who do you think is going to raise your kids when you are dead and buried in the ground.” She also has created a page on facebook directed at me. She is so negative that I have concerns about my children being around her. My ex told me he was leaving me when I was seven months pregnant with our second child. He then made my life miserable for the rest of my pregnancy and when I came home from the hospital with the baby. For some insane reason, his new wife thinks I’m not over my ex. I have been over my ex since I came home from the hospital with my new baby!!! I have never said anything negative about my ex or his new wife around my children. However, I am concerned that she will make negative statements to my children. This new wife posts something about me almost on a daily basis – she even friended a woman that I haven’t spoken to in over 15 years just to get on my nerves!!! My point is that not all ex-wives are toxic some new wives are the toxic part of the mix!
Comment by flygirl43 on 9 April 2010:
I have been with my partner for 4 yrs. He has 2 grown stepchildren (in their 30s) from his previous 25 yr marriage. The whole family dynamic is dysfunctional and toxic. I am not bowing down to a mental case. She cheated on him 2 yrs before I met him, lived with the guy, they broke up, now she wants him back. Both kids are living with her (and have quit 50$ hr jobs) to “take care” of her. I refuse to meet her as I see no positive results. The “kids” are welcome to visit anytime, but chose not to. I really dont care, but I can see how much it hurts my partner. Why are women so manipulative??????
Comment by Elaine on 24 April 2010:
What happens when it’s the both the ex-husband and his new wife that are toxic? I’ve done the best I could to get along with my children’s stepmother, and it’s resulted in nothing but her attacking me, and badmouthing me to my own children. the sad part is, they believe her over me! I raised them, nursed them and was always there for them, and now I pay for it by being attacked by my ex, his new wife, and my own kids. Frankly, I hate her for this. Keep the husband, give back my children’s affection.
Comment by Jane on 4 May 2010:
Oooh, I think I have the most toxic ex-wife situation of all! My husband divorced his ex almost 5 years ago and we have been married for 2. When we started dating he had been divorced for almost 2 years. She was vicious! Myspace was more popular at the time and she used it to insult me, called me 40+ times a day and hung up, sent me nasty text messages, drove by his house and even contacted my friends (whom she didn’t know) in order to spread negative infomation about my husband in an attempt to break us up. Also, she would send my huband seductive pictures and messages, filed a false police report of violence on him, had his visitation suspended with his son (after which she dropped all charges) and on and on.
I am strong willed but non-confrontational and never responded to her (which was good considering that responses only give her more energy/ammunition), but my silence left me feeling like a doormat. It was particularly difficult with my stepson would comment to me about how his mom wanted to “beat me up” or called me other names. Once, when my husband attended one of his son’s games with my two children (I wasn’t there) and she publically insulted my family, embarassing my children to tears with her name calling of them and my husband.
Finally after several years of this I have come to realize that I won. In fact, I had always won! I have her husband, I love her child and she is alone and angry. Yes, it’s tough even now for me at times (when she sends old wedding pictures to my hubby for instance), but it is sad and so terribly desperate. I ALMOST feel sorry for her.
On another note, my ex and I maintain a decent relationship and I actually adore his girlfriend. She is mature and friendly and gives me piece of mind knowing she is caring for my kids. Frankly, I strive to be more like her!
There will always be negative people in our lives. An incident this morning brought me to find this article. Now it is time for me to take a deep breath, and take my own advice!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 May 2010:
Jane, thanks for your inspiring words — it sounds like you’ve been through alot with your husband’s toxic ex-wife, but it’s made you stronger and smarter! That’s great.
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post…Establish Good Financial Habits – 6 Ways to Make Money Saving Tips Stick
Comment by Rebecca Reid on 30 May 2010:
I tried all of the things that were suggested. The last straw came when my husbands ex emailed me that she had slept with my husband, gave specific days and had emails to back it up. She was vicious and bitter and even though I never saw the emails, it caused such a rift in our marriage that we are now separated and heading toward a divorce. Did I lose? Yes. I lost my beautiful step-daughters and my life as I knew it. You can only try and accept so much abuse and you finally break. I broke. I question if she can somehow be held responsible? I just don’t think that someone can be so horrible and not be held accountable at some point.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 June 2010:
Hi Rebecca,
I’m so sorry to hear that your husband’s toxic ex-wife told you about her affair with your husband! That’s terrible. I’m sorry that your marriage didn’t work out. Why would he do such a thing?
I don’t know if she can be held responsible…but I do believe what goes around, comes around. The karma she’s put into the world will come back to haunt her.
And what about your cheating husband? Shouldn’t he be held responsible, too?
Comment by dolley on 24 June 2010:
Laurie,
Thanks for being a sounding board to many who write in. I agree with you in terms of listening to your “gut” and the old adage “actions speak louder than words”. God gave our “gut” and wisdom to us so we could confidently navigate through tough situations in life. I call it the gift of discernment and many men know women have it. We as women should know that we have it as a gift to help ourselves and others from possible missteps or even dangers.
Recently I was involved in a situation to where my bf was cheating on me. I felt it in my gut so profoundly it was incredible. I didn’t want to have to face this moment but I couldn’t rest, I was full of anxiety and felt so insecure. I was not going to let this continue on my watch because I know what I am worth. I was a very, very close confidant and friend to him for more than a year before we started dating. On month 3 of meeting and knowing him, he told me he believed I was his wife and he would wait for me for as long as it would take. Now I have an identical twin sister who he met two weeks before my meeting him. I challenged him with that fact and emphatically reminded him that I do have a twin (we don’t look that much alike now). i asked him that if he was sure if it was me or her he was speaking of, I needed to know. I didn’t want confusion involved with my sister at all. He said I was the one for him and it would not be her ever. We continued on as friends and really had an understanding that we needed to build a great friendship before we started dating (I needed to know more about him as we had been talking on the phone primarily because I was in another state looking to relocate).
No objections from either and we continued on as friends. We would hang out in a group consisting of a couple of friends and my twin. My sister and he would fight and bump heads so much that I told them this was getting ridiculous and needed to stop. She would joke with us because she knew there was an attraction between us, kind of reminded me of junior high stuff. Then around month 5, she knew a lot of things he and I would talk about because he told her, she would call me and gripe about what he said to her and vice versa then would get mad if I didn’t click over to chat with her while talking with him on the phone. Then I would confide in him about her and on and on. Then I woke up one day and said this is too much. It was stupid. I felt as though there was an emotional triangle forming-nothing at all promiscuous, sexual, etc from anyone but definitely emotionally binding which can be the strongest tie of all. Again, I had recently moved when this stuff began and I told him I needed to get my life in order and that I would be taking a time away for myself to do this…away from the drama triangle which meant both of them and to think on what my next steps were to be. So I left to go to my hometown to be with family I hadn’t seen in a long, long time. I told my twin this as well but I made sure HE knew it was only temporary for me and not to break anything off with him. I reassured him I would be back. I guess he didn’t understand.
When I returned, we had a talk and it was intense as we were both hurt. I apologized because I could see he was hurt. He said he cried for days and was devastated. Well, we worked through that and were back on course until about 2 months down the road, he started “clinging” to my sister. We’d go out as a group and then he would be standing next to her in public places fidgeting with his phone, etc not even talking with her but just being next to her. Almost if she offered him some security. I asked him what was up and he said nothing. Also, there was another woman who started flirting around with him in my face and he allowed it. By this point, my love for him had grown from just respect and appreciation to now wanting to further our friendship into a romantic pursuit just as we had discussed. I talked to him about this and he agreed. Long story short-we ended up dating for a few weeks. The first month was great so I thought, and then the next 3 weeks it all hit me. This woman started popping up again and I also caught him out at night with my twin sister, “just talking.” What did my gut say about that? I sought for answers to my gut questions and I went straight to the source. After all, we were very close even before we dated and had a foundation of transparency…I began to ask him the right questions and he overreacted and saying that my twin and him were just friends and that is all it was ever going to be-that he’d fallen for me and wanted me for his wife, etc. Then about the other woman who was more than friendly, he said we “wasn’t even attracted to her.”
Well, two weeks after the confrontational questioning, he began to withdraw-not calling me as much, not wanting to do things, not responding to my texts but he would my twin’s. He was found out around the holidays at which point he decided to concoct a lie about me saying that i had vexed him into our relationship and that he never wanted to be with me but always with my twin. All types of craziness and lies manifested. He really set it up to where I looked like the devil and my twin was the angel whom he wanted to be with but there is more…while he said all of this, he was seeing this other woman as well. Remember when I took a little time for myself a few months ago? During that time, he approached my twin and told her I was the mistake and that she was his wife when clearly he had told me it would never be her. Sadly, neither one of them told me this happened so for months I was kept in dark by my flesh and blood and this guy who led me to believe we were back on track relationally. This guy successfully played twin sisters and another woman. There could have been more. Now, right after he was caught, he has turned a new leaf (which is great and hope it is genuine to the core) and he is still with my twin. For the record, he has done his best to ask me to forgive him via email but he still wants to be with my twin after breaking up with this other woman who he called a girlfriend publicly. Ha, I didn’t even get that-no tears here, at least not anymore. It was tough the betrayal of a friend/love and a family member. Hard to deal with because I had invested so much of myself and really did grow to love him. Many have said you were lucky, you found out before ever walking down the aisle with him. Somehow him being with my sister, who is a loving, intelligent person, undermines that statement at times to me….still so bizarre and confusing choices we can make as people, huh? So unexpected. But the gut was right!
I found out a lot about my “gut” or gift of discernment in this aspect of relationships. I have never been in one where I had to use it so much in a relationship, but when I paid attention to it, though filled with anxiety and grief anticipating the dreaded inevitable, I was right. At that moment, when your gut is “going off” and you have at least some suspicions about your significant other, listen to them. If they are wrong, then there is nothing for anyone to hide-work through it and go on. I am very amazed at how strong the discernment can be and how accurate it can be…it is like a metal detector. Remember, time always is a factor which reveals those secret things, lies. You’ve heard, “what is done in secret will be exposed.” Ladies, pay attention to the gift God gave you and if your man is cheating and can’t man up to tell you the truth, then reevaluate why you are with him. If he is truly repentant and wants to change and you want to work through it, then that is your decision. May god help you through it and it be blessed. If the man has a problem lying, no, you can’t fix him, only he can and he has to finally come to terms with himself and make decisions based on what he deems priceless….you. If he ever does…which some wake up. (Women do this too, I know guys) Otherwise, my question is, why would you want to stay with someone who once made you feel so good now consistently places you (by your choice) in a position of insecurity and walking on egg shells. Listen to your gut!! Actions do speak louder than words and if you are worth it, you will listen and God will give you the wisdom to walk through it but you got to ask Him and seek help from those who know you, love you and that you trust will give you objective truths-even about yourself.
A couple of thoughts:
Pair an emotional connection with strong desires of one person toward another who is in a relationship, it could very well be on its way to an affair-at any level. It is playing with fire no matter how you look at it. A little laugh here and there, a flirtatious gesture added ever so often, a coffee date or a shoulder to cry on, can be meeting needs inside a person that they shouldn’t by right be fulfilling if committed to another.
Men: I know you all don’t cheat and not all women are saints either but, what does faithfulness mean to anyone today? Men, would you flirt with another company behind your boss’ back? You’d be fired instantly. So you dare not do it, right? Is your job more important than your self respect and character? Then why would you do it behind the back of the ones you say you love? I’d have to say you have no true value placed on love except that of yourself and it shows when you place your desires to gratify yourself over your loved ones-especially when it could ruin what you have built. Don’t do it, men! It is not worth it. Go to someone who can help you…NOT to one of your boys who is also doing the same behavior. There is a higher standard you are called to and you know it so run to it and embrace it rather than cowering away from worthy responsibility of commitment and priceless entity desired by all, your love with another.
I hold fast to core values such as hoensty, integrity, etc especially with someone you love and care for and they for you. Even when it is hard to be honest for fear of rejection, change, etc. I do know life isn’t perfect and that some couples work out and others don’t but I don’t believe people are disposable just because you aren’t happy within yourself or you are bored. Talk to your significant other and at least you can be honest. From there take a plan of action if agreeable. Actions do speak louder than words, people. Ladies, listen to your gut and don’t be afraid to value and fight for what you believe in. Asking questions is not a crime and don’t ever let anyone make you feel less than or crazy for following what your gift of discernment may be revealing to you before things get worse. It is a gift for a reason. Celebrate it and if your wrong, own it and move on. If you are right, wow, pray and seek what you need to do next depending on how involved you with a guy who has a lying/cheating problem.
Sorry so long, thanks, Laurie. Keep up the good work.
Comment by Tiffany on 26 July 2010:
I think I am at my breaking point I do not believe I can handle the “drama” my husbands’ EX brings. We have been together since 2005, He has 2 children and always had full custody. She was never in the childrens life really till I came around, I have raised the kids now 12 & 17 and we had a son together who is 3. She comes in and out of our lives as she pleases sometimes we dont hear from her for months. This is hard for all of us. This women is crazy, and I mean seriously she needs medical help, and I’m not being mean. She is a compulsive lyer, she is manpulative, and very hurtful to all she comes in contact with. Her 17 year old son will not even speak w/ her any more, Nor does her parents who are still in “our” lives. Our 12 year old is still easily swayed w/ bribes to come and visit, They see each other approx. 4 -5 times a year. This also causes stress. She owes us over $20,000 dollars in child support and uses the Courts as a tool to torture us w/ friolous law suits, switching attorneys and asking for a number of continuances. The latestes one is the worse, she wants custody of our 12yr. old and wants to “redo” the orginal divorce from 2000?!! This has put major finacial burdens on us and emotional stress. I just dont know how to handle it anymore, I’ve always taken the high rode and all of the cases in the past have either been dropped or won by us But this one is scary and serious, there even is a Guarian appointed to the kids which cost alot.
I need help, I feel like I’m looseing myself and all control I’m afraid it’s effecting my 3 year old, Any advice what I should do.
Tiffany