He says he fell out of love, and you’re lost, confused, and sad. Learn what to do when he says he’s not in love with you anymore.
If your boyfriend or husband doesn’t want to break up, read How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Susan Page. It may help you learn how to reconnect in ways you haven’t thought of. You might be able to save your marriage or rebuild your relationship – as long as you remember that you can’t make anyone love you.
But, if the breakup has already happened, you might want to read Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You by Susan J. Elliott. Don’t let the fact that he fell out of love with you change how you see yourself. Set goals, and take specific action steps towards achieving them.
When one person in a relationship falls out of love, it may feel like you’ll never heal or move on. Reading these tips is the easy part – actually putting them into practice and moving forward after someone says he fell out of love is the hard part.
When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore
These tips are partly inspired by a reader’s comment on When to Leave a Relationship. She is in love with her boyfriend, but he never made her feel loved. She was never even sure if she was his girlfriend. What should she do about this relationship? is what she asked. Here’s what I think all women should do when their partners say they fell out of love – or if their partners were never in love with them in the first place…
Focus on yourself – not on him. For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. How do you love and respect yourself? You make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe this means getting a better job, going back to school, developing your hobbies, exercising more, working on your self-esteem, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans.
Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe. One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe.
Look at your relationship objectively. When you say, “he doesn’t love me anymore”, are you letting your feelings dictate your future, your thoughts, your life? I understand that – you’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.
Maybe you don’t even love him. Maybe you’re just in love with the idea of having a boyfriend, or being married. Read How to Know When You’re in Love.
Incorporate two new activities into your life. Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Sister. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons! Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex, you can practice replacing your obsessive thoughts with something new and interesting.
When he says he doesn’t love you anymore, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
Take a step back and let the air flow between you. Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means….sometimes you just have to let go. Here are a few tips on what to do when he doesn’t love you anymore…
I know it’s not easy to recover when a man says he fell out of love with you. It’s devastating, and your heart feels like it’ll never heal. You feel like you’ll never fall in love again.
But you WILL heal, and you WILL fall in love again. You just need to find the strength and courage to move on. For tips on moving on, read the 10 Best Tips on Starting Over After a Bad Relationship.
What do you think – how will you respond when he says he doesn’t love you anymore? Can you be strong and move on?
I'm glad you're here! My name is Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen; my husband Bruce and I live in Vancouver, BC with our critters. We can't have kids, and are learning to accept whatever life brings - both good and bad. I have an MSW (Master of Social Work) from UBC, and degrees in Education and Psychology. I hope you say hello below - I can't give relationship advice, but writing can bring you clarity and insight.