Marriage Max

When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore

Written by on December 10, 2013 in Breaking Up, Grieving & Loss, Letting Go, Separation & Divorce with 5 Comments

He fell out of love, and you’re lost, confused, and sad. It’s painful to argue with your boyfriend or husband, but it’s devastating when he says he’s not in love with you anymore.

I want to share a few tips on what happens when one person in a relationship falls out of love. But, reading these tips is the easy part. Actually putting them into action and moving forward after someone says he fell out of love is hard.

Here’s the first tip for when he says he doesn’t love you anymore:

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

Take a step back and let the air flow between you. Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means….sometimes you just have to let go.

But, if you want to work on your relationship, read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship. It might help you save your marriage or rebuild your relationship – as long as you remember that you can’t make anyone love you.

Here are a few tips on what to do when he doesn’t love you anymore…

When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore

These tips are partly inspired by a reader’s comment on When to Leave a Relationship. She is in love with her boyfriend, but he never made her feel loved. She was never even sure if she was his girlfriend. What should she do about this relationship? is what she asked.

Here’s what I think all women should do when their partners say they fell out of love – or if their partners were never in love with them in the first place…

Focus on yourself – not on him. For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. How do you love and respect yourself? You make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe this means getting a better job, going back to school, developing your hobbies, exercising more, working on your self-esteem, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans.

Don’t let the fact that he fell out of love with you change how you see yourself. Set goals, and take specific action steps towards achieving them.

Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe. One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe.

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Look at your relationship objectively. When you say, “he doesn’t love me anymore”, are you letting your feelings dictate your future, your thoughts, your life? I understand that – you’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.

Maybe you don’t even love him. Maybe you’re just in love with the idea of having a boyfriend, or being married. Read How to Know When You’re in Love.

Are you stuck in the past?
How to Let Go of Someone You Love

Incorporate two new activities into your life. Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Sister. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons! Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex, you can practice replacing your obsessive thoughts with something new and interesting.

fell out of love

I know it’s not easy to recover when a man says he fell out of love with you. It’s devastating, and your heart feels like it’ll never heal. You feel like you’ll never fall in love again.

But you’re wrong. You WILL heal, and you WILL fall in love again. You just need to find the strength and courage to move on. For tips on moving on, read How to Get Over Your Ex Boyfriend When You’ve Tried Everything.

What do you think – how will you respond when he says he doesn’t love you anymore? Can you be strong and move on?

laurie blowing kiss

How are you? All comments welcome!
I can't give you advice,
but writing can help you gain insight.
Peace and blessings,
Laurie

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5 Reader Comments

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  1. Laurie says:

    Dear Heartbroken,

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, as you learn how to accept that your husband fell out of love with you. It’s heartbreaking and devastating to find out that a husband has been cheating, and there are no easy steps for healing.

    May you find healing and hope, and may you rebuild your life and self-esteem, and learn how to accept and even rejoice in this change of life. It’s possible that this could be a gift that you don’t recognize yet – I pray this is the truth for you.

    In peace and passion,
    Laurie

  2. HEARTBROKEN says:

    i NEEDED THIS AT THIS VERY MOMENT I RAN ACROSS IT! VERY TRUE WORDS….THANK YOU VERY MUCH…iVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 7 YEARS BE TOGETHER FOR 10 I JUST FOUND OUT HE HAS BEEN CHEATING AND HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER OVER HIS CHILD AND I ITS HARD TO DIGEST BUT I HAVE TO, AGAIN THANK YOU.

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