You have a great marriage, but your husband isn’t interested in having sex with you. This happens more often than you think – to even the happiest married couples.

Here’s what one reader says:

“We are not intimate at all. There is zero passion. We talk about it, he always listens and says we need to fix it and he’ll do his part…but there is no action to match his words. I told him I need to be fulfilled as a woman and as a partner for me to stay in the marriage. It doesn’t seem to bother him at all. We could have a great marriage except for this one part – the intimacy that will bond us in a deeper way. I have no idea where else to turn. We have gone to counselors together, I have gone alone. At this point, I realize he will never be interested in changing our intimate life, and it is up to me to accept this marriage as it is or to leave. Where can I turn to help me decide what to do?”

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido – A Couple’s Guide is a very popular book that is worth reading. That’s one place to turn when your husband doesn’t want to have sex and you don’t know what to do.

When Your Husband Isn’t Interested in Having Sex

I don’t know if you have to accept your marriage the way it is, or if your husband and you can find ways to meet in the middle. Some marriages change for the better, while others stagnate for years.

It’s possible that your husband doesn’t realize how important sex is to your marriage, even though you’ve talked about it. He may be listening to you, and loving you the best way he knows how. By the way, this reader also said they’ve been married for six years; she’s 53 and he’s 58. It’s their first marriage, and she didn’t mention kids.

Some men just have very low libidos

In How Do We Fix a Sexless Marriage?, a reader said her husband showed very little interest in her sexually and didn’t care that she cheated on him. Another reader said her husband hasn’t wanted sex in 40 years, since the first time they slept together. Sex disgusted him.

Some men and women could go years – lifetimes, even – without having sex. They couldn’t care less about physical touch and intimacy. It’s possible that your husband just has a very low libido, and it doesn’t match your higher libido.

He may be embarrassed to tell you what he likes

This reader said a little more about her husband (by the way, her comments were on my article about leaving your husband):

“He’s not gay or anything – he’s definitely a workaholic (his excuse is always about being busy). I make very little money, so he says he has to work a lot to make up for this. But he is also my best friend – and I don’t want to hurt him, or leave him partnerless as he approaches his 60s.”

Is it possible that your husband likes sex a certain way, and he doesn’t want to share his desire with you?  He’s embarrassed or even ashamed. This happens more often than you think, and it’s one of the reasons men visit prostitutes. But don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying your husband doesn’t want sex with you because he’s buying it elsewhere!

Remember that lack of desire is the symptom, not the root of the problem

This reader nailed it when she said, “It truly is not about sex (although I crave it), but the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about something so important to me. I don’t want to have an affair, I want to be close to my husband.”

When your husband doesn’t want to have sex, you may feel a variety of emotions. Your self-image may also be affected – and of course your marriage isn’t the same if you’re not having sex with your husband.

If sex isn’t the root of the problem, what is? I don’t know – it depends on the marriage, the man, and the wife. Perhaps there’s an emotional disconnection, communication problems, stress, low libido, physical health issues, mental health issues.

The bottom line is whether or not you’re willing to live with a man who isn’t interested in having sex with you. Some women are perfectly happy without sex, while others need that physical connection. Only you can make this decision.

Talk to a sex therapist and/or your family physician

There’s a difference between a sex therapist and a marriage counselor. The former specializes in sexual intimacy, problems in the bedroom, and possible physical health issues that could be decreasing your husband’s libido.

It may not be an emotional health issue that is causing your husband not to want sex – it may be a physical health problem that is lowering his sex drive. That’s why I suggest talking to your family doctor, and perhaps getting a physical checkup. Your doctor may also be able to refer you to a reputable sex therapist.

There are no easy answers when your husband doesn’t want sex, because it’s connected to his personality, stress level, physiological makeup, health, and lifestyle. Those factors affect his libido – and your marriage.

Check out these tips for improving female libido – they work for men, too: 9 Natural Ways to ReVIVE a Woman’s Sex DRIVE!

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Wives are mean to their husbands, husbands mean to wives, siblings mean to each other…here are a few reasons why we hurt the ones we love so much.

Plus a tip or two on how to stop being mean.

You may recognize yourself in this comment from a reader:

“I’m 22 and have been with my husband for a year and a half. We separated once and I cheated on him once. He is a great guy but he has self-esteem issues. I have no respect for him and I treat him like crap. I hate the person I am in this marriage because it’s not me. I feel as though he has the right to be treated better in a marriage and I have the right to be with someone I truly love and respect. He loves me so much more than I love him and I hate that. I’ve been trying so hard to be a good wife but I keep falling back into the same mindset of negativity, frustration, discontent and overall lack of respect for him. What do I do?” – from Should You Leave Your Husband?

And here’s a quote I don’t really agree with, but it’s about love and marriage so why not:

“If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.” – Alan King.

I disagree because I think marriage requires love of the most noble order. It’s sacrificial love, unselfish love, a service-type of love that out ranks all other types of love. Especially romantic love, which often fades within a year or two.

Okay, enough of that. Let’s focus on why you/we treat the ones you/we love like crap.

Why Are You Mean to the One You Love?

There are many psychological tricks that can help you stop being mean to the one you love (eg, focus on how good it feels to be nice, and how awful it feels to be mean. That will help you be nice more often).

But I don’t think it’ll work to try to be nice to your husband. You’ve found that out, haven’t you? So let’s put the psychological self-manipulations aside and focus on two questions:

1. Why are we mean to the ones we love?

2. How do we stop?

We’re mean because we can be truly ourselves with them

Your husband will love you no matter what, no matter how mean you are to him. He lets you walk all over him…so you walk all over him. He may have self-esteem issues, as you said. Or maybe he just loves you so much he’s willing to put up with all your crap.

The problem is that you don’t respect your husband for letting you get away with being mean to him.

We’re more likely to be mean to the ones we love – as opposed to strangers or acquaintances – because we’re comfortable with them. We can say what we really think to them. I’ve been more cruel to my grandmother, mom, and sister than anyone else on earth because they’re the ones I’m closest to.

But that doesn’t make it right, does it? In fact, it makes it even more wrong.

You’re mean because you’re unhappy

Think about this for a second. Is it possible that you’re mean to your husband because you’re unhappy with your life, your future, your goals, your job? Happy people aren’t mean people.

Your unhappiness with your life, your self, and your husband isn’t his fault. It’s not your fault, either. It just is. It’s reality.

If you think you’re mean to your spouse because you married the wrong person, read How to Cope With Relationship Doubt.

Figure out how to be a peaceful person, and you’ll stop being mean

I can be really condescending to my husband, which is mean. I patronize him sometimes, and talk to him like he’s five years old. It’s awful, and I hate myself for doing it. I’ve been doing it a lot less lately, because I’ve been spending more time with God.

It sounds crazy, but the more time I spend in connection with my God and Creator, the nicer I am to my husband. Actually – that doesn’t sound crazy at all! I feel love, peace, joy, happiness, and even bliss when I connect with God. Those feelings stay with me all day, and I’m automatically nicer to everyone I encounter.

Get to the root of your unhappiness

Have you talked to a counselor about why you’re so mean to the one you love? Maybe you don’t love him – that doesn’t matter. What matters is the fact that this is an issue in YOU, not him. If you divorce your husband, you’ll just wind up being mean to the next guy. You’ll choose someone exactly like him. After all, you chose your husband, didn’t you?

I don’t know if you need marriage counseling, but I think you should talk to someone about your unhappiness. There’s a reason you’re acting the way you are, and it’s not about your husband.

It’s about you.

If you’re not the mean one – if you’re on the receiving end of a cruel spouse – read 5 Reasons Women Stay in Loveless Marriages.

What do you think – does this help you figure out why you’re mean to the one you love?

The post Why Are You Mean to the One You Love? appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

Here are a few signs you’re ready to start dating again. While there is no “rule” on when it’s too soon to date after a breakup, there are signs you aren’t ready.

Here’s what a reader says on my article about avoiding rebound love:

“My boyfriend and I broke up three months ago. I’m 36 years old, and ready to get married and have a family. I want to start dating again, but my sister says it’s too soon. I miss the closeness and companionship of an intimate relationship and want to fall in love. What do you think, is it too soon to start dating again?”

Everyone is unique, which means it may take me a year to heal from a breakup. Maybe it’ll take you a few weeks, or a decade. It depends on so many things: how long you were in the relationship, the reasons you broke up, how emotionally invested you were, and who made the decision to break up.

Even though we’re all different, we’re also human – which means we have many things in common! I believe the following signs it’s too soon to date again are the same for everyone.

Signs It’s Too Soon to Start Dating Again

• You have unresolved issues from other breakups or relationships
• Your friends and family are pushing you to forget about your ex
• You’re comparing yourself to your married friends
• You’re avoiding feelings of loss, grief, or past hurts
• You haven’t healed from your last breakup
• You hear your biological clock ticking
• You don’t enjoy your own company
• You want to make your ex jealous
• You want to replace your ex
• You’re depressed
• You’re lonely
• You hurt

Before you start dating, read 5 Things to Do Before You Fall in Love Again.

Before you start dating again, check your motives

Are you dating because you want to get married and have kids, or because you want to get to know a certain person better? Do you want to date because you hate being alone, or because you feel connected to someone and want to spend time together? I realize there’s never ONE reason to date, but if your main motive is to get married…then perhaps you’re dating out of desperation.

We all want love and connection. We thrive when we’re in relationship with one another, when we love and feel loved in return. But we can’t focus our lives on getting married and having kids. We can’t chase love in order to avoid pain.

Here’s a love quote that I like:

“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” – H. L. Mencken.

You may think you’ve healed from the breakup, but you may be ignoring your grief and loss. If you tend to jump into things too quickly, it may be too soon to look for love again.

For more signs it’s too soon to start dating again, read How to Know If You’re Ready for a New Relationship.

The post Is It Too Soon to Start Dating Again? appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

Getting over your ex is about dancing in the rain, not waiting for the storm to pass. (image by FindYourSearch, via Flickr)

You tried everything to get over your ex, and nothing works. Here’s a list of things that help most people get over their exes, and a few things to try when nothing else works.

These tips are inspired by a reader who says:

“I’ve tried everything under the sun but I’m still stuck in the same place. I find myself thinking about my ex all the time. And when I can’t stand it any longer and I feel like I’m at the breaking point, I contact him. And I know I shouldn’t and I know I’m undoing all the progress I’ve made. But the reason I contact him is because I feel if I don’t I will literally lose my mind.”

Nooo….don’t contact your ex, especially when you’re at the breaking point! You’re desperate, vulnerable, needy, and weak. That’s the very worst time to contact your ex.

In Starting Over After Your Relationship Ends, this reader described several ways she tried to get over her ex. Here they are – they’re awesome!

Good ways to cope when you can’t get over your ex:

• See a therapist
• Attend an autogenic training course that involves daily meditation as well as emotional and physical rewiring
• Exercise regularly
• Eat a healthy diet
• Make new friends
• Take up new hobbies
• Change your career
• Fill your house with affirmations and positive quotes
• Read self-help books

But none of that worked. So what does she do now, when she tried everything to get over her ex?

Get to the root of the problem

When you can’t get over your ex, there’s something at the root of your inability to heal and move on with your life. I don’t know what that is – and I suspect you don’t know either, or you don’t want to face it. Maybe you don’t feel worthy to be loved by someone else, or you’re scared to set yourself up to get hurt again. Maybe you feel like you’re damaged or broken, or too weak to embark on a new relationship.

Here’s an article that may help: 5 Reasons It’s So Hard to Get Over a Breakup.

Get your priorities straight

Perhaps this reader’s answer is in her comment…

“All this is aggravated by the fact that my mom has just been diagnosed with cancer,” says this reader. “My intention is to go and take care of her during her radiation therapy and I know this will probably help me get over my ex. But, I’m terribly worried that it’ll also be so hard and my mind will wander right back to my ex.”

Your breakup was heartbreaking, but it doesn’t compare to being diagnosed with cancer and undergoing chemotherapy treatments. You need to set your own pain aside and be there for your mom. You need to learn how to live in the moment, and stop obsessing about the past. You need to be a grownup, and put your feelings on the back burner while you take care of your mother.

You need to focus on what matters in your life right now – and your ex is not what matters. Practice being in the moment, and letting go of the future and past.

Letting go of someone you love is the hardest thing you’ll ever do…and the healthiest.

What do you think about these tips for when you can’t get over your ex?

The post When You Can’t Get Over Your Ex appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

How about saying “I love you” with a cup of hot chocolate? (image by kelsey_lovefusionphoto via flickr)

Whether you’re in a new relationship or trying to fire up an old flame, you’ll find something you can use in these easy ways to say “I love you.”

They’re not just words! These ways to profess your love are big and little actions that make a big difference in your everyday interactions.

Knowing different ways to say I love you can change your relationship. Me, I prefer when my husband actually says the words “I love you.” But according to Gary Chapman (author of the 5 Love Languages), there are nonverbal ways to show your love. I describe them Examples of the Five Love Languages – From Affirmation to Touch…but I still prefer the words!

These specific, practical ways to say “I love you” to your partner, kids, and friends can increase the communication, connection, and caring in your family.

This isn’t about how to build the courage to say the words I love you. It’s about showing your love in ways that can be more meaningful and long-lasting than words.

65 Ways to Show Your Love

Saying “I love you” in thoughtful ways can be difficult for many people. It’s hard to be honest, and it’s hard to accept the consequences of your honesty and authenticity. It takes time, energy, and commitment to stay connected through all the problems that life and people bring.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” - Neil Gaiman.

But, opening your heart and being vulnerable is worth the risk.

1. Don’t compare your partner to anyone, especially to her face.
2. Be courteous and polite at all times – even when you’re irritated or grossed out!
3. Embrace the present moment without fear or guilt.
4. Live by the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you).
5. Say “I love you” by giving your full attention when talking.
6. Become his biggest fan and cheerleader! Try not to criticize, even if you know better.
7. Toast each other over breakfast or dinner to say I love you.
8. Tell them how she brings love to your life. What is special about her?
9. Laugh together about kids quotes on love and dating.
10. Talk about your day during mealtimes (don’t just watch TV while you eat!).
11. Read books aloud together.
12. Say you’re sorry, even when you aren’t.
13. Recall good and bad memories. Talk about your relationship.
14. Let go of the past to say “I love you.” This is huge!
15. Do nothing together. Just be, and enjoy.
16. Encourage each other to be spiritually, emotionally, and physically healthy.
17. Trust your partner enough to cry with him.
18. Act silly together. Have fun – play!
19. Be lavish in your praise and compliments.
20. Ask questions about her opinions, feelings, thoughts. Be curious about her.
21. To say I love you, forget about labels or assumptions.
22. Encourage adventures and risks!
23. Remember: there is NO one best way to say “I love you“!
24. Show your joy when they come home.
25. Bake cookies.
26. Leave your stress at work.
27. Use flannel sheets in the winter. It’s cozy
28. Solve word problems together – such as crosswords or Suduku.
29. Show your gratitude for him.
30. Be a good sounding board. Listen, don’t give advice.
31. To say I love you, take pride in them — and show it.
32. Compliment them in front of others.
33. Spend time with them.
34. Learn how to deal with relationship doubts.
35. Ask for hugs and kisses. Be vulnerable.
36. Take vacations together. Take vacations apart.
37. Tell the truth. Be honest.
38. Use pet names to say “I love you.”
39. Practice self-acceptance. Be gentle and kind to yourself.
40. Hunt for treasure together. Go to a thrift store or garage sale!
41. Be interested in their interests.
42. To say I love you, let go of jealousy.
43. Accept their weaknesses and flaws.
44. Ditch work or responsibilities to play with them.
45. Accept his flaws and weaknesses – a sure sign of love!
46. Share chocolates, ice cream sundaes, milkshakes.
47. To say “I love you”, ignore unintended or accidental slights.
48. Pray or meditate together. This is huge! Love grows when you pray as a couple.
49. Practice forgiveness.
50. Watch classic movies together.
51. Leave notes or send letters.
52. To say I love you, buy a “for no reason at all” gift.
53. Don’t gossip or judge.
54. Give the benefit of the doubt to say I love you.
55. Give space when they’re in a bad or sad mood.
56. Learn something new together.
57. Go dancing – learn how salsa dancing increases romantic love.
58. Keep your promises to say I love you.
59. Make her laugh.
60. Consider her feelings before yours.
61. Learn ways to rekindle the romance.
62. Hide a treat in his lunch.
63. Make home a fun, relaxing place to be.
64. Let her make her own decisions.
65. Say what you mean when you say I love you. Say why.

Being in a healthy relationship can be painful, aggravating, and scary because you have to stick it out through all the ups and downs. But, doing the work is worth it in the long run!

If you’re finding that saying I love you isn’t enough, read How Do I Make My Boyfriend Love Me the Way I Want to Be Loved?

The post 65 Ways to Say “I Love You” Without Words appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

Lisa Bloom, author of Think.

What is the biggest doubt you have about your relationship? Here’s how to cope with the worries, fears, and doubts your relationship brings.

These tips are inspired by smart businesswoman and author, Lisa Bloom.

Here’s what she writes in Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World:

“One of the best things about men is their confidence, their rightness, their ability to go with their gut and produce,” says Rochelle Schieck, founder of Qoya. “I rarely overhear men in cafes talking about how differently they could have or should have done something.”

How often do you doubt your words and actions in your relationship? If you’re plagued with self-doubt, you’re not alone. I’m with you, sista!

Bloom quotes more of Schieck: “One of the most paralyzing things for a woman is her doubt. Do I have the right job? Did I pick the right partner? Are these the right shoes? Did I pick the right place to go on vacation? Doubt is like an anchor that keeps women rooted in murky waters of disapproval.”

What do you doubt about yourself, your relationship, your marriage, your partner, or your love life?

Here’s why you need to cope with the doubts you feel:

“Self-doubt brings fear, such as the fear of failure, of the dark, of being out of control, of not being good enough. We fear loving because we doubt our ability to love and so fear rejection; we fear being generous because we doubt our capacity to generate more and fear we will not have enough; we fear sharing our thoughts or feelings for doubt that we will appear wrong or stupid. Doubt brings mistrust, which appears real, even though it may have no real substance. It arises when the ego is threatened or undermined. Such doubt creates worry, nervous disorders, and even paranoia. It is the enemy of real happiness.” – from Why You Should Never Doubt Yourself.

Do you doubt your ability to love your partner – or his ability to love you? If you don’t feel connected to him, read about emotional disconnection in marriage.

How to Overcome Relationship Doubt

Figure out what you want out of your relationship

Take a few minutes to write down exactly what you want your love relationship to look like, feel like, and be like. What would you do if you weren’t paralyzed by doubt? Would you ask him to marry you, or ask him to go to marriage counseling with you? Would you move in together, or embark on a trial separation? The first step to shaking off your doubts about your relationship is to figure out what you really want.

If you can’t see your doubts and relationship clearly, read How to Detach From Someone You Care About. It’s not about breaking up, it’s about connecting with yourself.

Stay connected to your Creator

What’s your source of love, peace, hope, and self-compassion? For me, it’s God. Jesus. Whatever doubts I have about my marriage, future, work, or life are eased when I take a deep breath and pray.

When was the last time you connected to whatever it is that gives you strength and confidence? You can’t build confidence in your relationship and partner all by yourself – you need to tap into your inner wisdom and light.

You need confidence in something Greater than you. This will improve your confidence in your relationship, and help you deal with the doubts you feel.

Let yourself doubt yourself and your relationship, but take it to your Creator. Let your fears and self-doubts be cleansed with hope and love. Let your confidence grow, and let yourself know that things will work out exactly the way they’re meant to.

Are your relationship doubts and fears caused by your partner’s behaviors? Read Is He Right for You? Signs It’s Time to Let Him Go.

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Why are you taking the breakup so hard?

Even when you know breaking up is the best choice, it’s sad and depressing. These reasons breaking up is hard to do will help you cope – they’re from two women who weren’t well-behaved!

Why women who weren’t well behaved? Because those are my favourite type of women! And it’s May, so here on Quips and Tips I’m featuring mothers who shook things up a little.

Here’s a quip from one of my favourite authors and mothers, Anne Lamott:

“I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.”

How’s that for not well-behaved? She wasn’t talking about how hard breaking up is – I think she was talking about overcoming her drug and/or food addiction. Overcoming an addiction can be similar to healing from a breakup – especially if you feel trapped by obsessive love.

5 Reasons It’s So Hard to Get Over a Breakup

You haven’t dealt with the past

Here’s what life coach Martha Beck says (another mom who wasn’t well-behaved!):

“Most often, heartbroken people are unknowingly grieving a loss or trauma rooted in childhood or adolescence. That’s because we tend to fall in love with people who remind us of those who cared for us—even badly—when we were young and totally vulnerable. We become childlike when we feel securely adored, letting go of all inhibition. The failure of adult relationships is often caused by the dysfunctions we internalized as children, and the devastation we endure when we’re rejected almost always opens ancient wounds, making us feel as bereft as an abandoned little kid.” – from Martha Beck’s Guide to Learning From Love and Loss.

I absolutely did not fall in love with and marry a man who reminds me of someone who cared for me in my childhood! I don’t know my dad, and my mom is schizophrenic. My husband is the complete opposite of both of them: he’s loving, supportive, kind, gentle, and totally trustworthy.

What about you – did you fall in love with someone who reminds you of your childhood? Is this why it’s so hard to get over the breakup?

You’re scared you’ll never find love again

This fear has kept me in more crappy relationships than I care to admit. I was scared nobody else would love me, and I’d die without getting married. I worried that I was too old to fall in love, that all the single men would want younger, skinnier, prettier women.

Is this one of the reasons you’re not coping well with the breakup?

You’re scared to be alone

This is different than the fear of never finding love again. I wasn’t scared to be alone after the breakup; I just scared I’d be alone FOREVER! I would’ve gotten over several of my breakups much quicker if I knew I’d one day be happily married.

If you’re worried about living alone, paying bills alone, coping with household bills and chores and problems alone, read How to End a Relationship When You’re Scared to Be Alone. It’s a major reason it’s so hard to get over a breakup – and it’s nothing to be ashamed of!

You don’t like who you were before the relationship

Sometimes being in love frees us to do and be different things than we were before. For instance, marriage changed how I see myself (for better or worse!). If I was separated, I’d see myself differently – and divorce would also change how I see myself.

Here’s what life coach Martha Beck says:

“Being in love is so intoxicating, that special person so compelling, that lovers often drop some of the obligations and rules that dominated their lives before they met. When you’re in love, you may forget that you don’t usually allow yourself to splurge on perfume, or write poetry, or be wildly sexual, or say no to invitations you’d rather not accept. When your relationship is over, the bleak prospect of going back to the rules can drive you to the brink of despair, making you pine obsessively for your lost love to return and free you again.” – from the same article in the first reason it’s so hard to get over a breakup.

What do you think – are you holding on to your ex because he let you be someone you aren’t when you’re single?

You fill in the fifth reason it’s so hard to get over breaking up

Tell me why you think it’s so hard to get over a breakup. What are you struggling with, and what advice do you have for others? It’s different for everyone, and I’d love to hear from you.

If you’d rather get more tips on healing, read How to Get Over a Break Up and Accept That It’s Over.

Have you read any of Martha Beck’s books? Her newest is Finding Your Way in a Wild New World: Reclaim Your True Nature to Create the Life You Want. If you’re getting over a breakup, now’s the time to find your way and reclaim your true nature!

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When was the last time you opened your eyes to your marriage?

If you can’t or aren’t willing to see what’s really going on (or WRONG) with your marriage, then you’ll never get your relationship back on track.

The following marriage tips are inspired by two women: a reader who recently commented on my article about marriages ending, and Sheryl Sandberg.

Here on Quips and Tips during the month of May, I feature quotations from mothers who weren’t well-behaved. Take Sheryl Sandberg, for instance. She’s the COO of Facebook and the author of Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.

I recently heard Jian Ghomeshi interview Sandberg on Canada’s Q (CBC). She talked about “leaning in” (which is also the title of her book), feminism, guilt, and sitting at the table with men.

One of the things I liked best was when Sheryl Sandberg told Jian that men are honest and comfortable learning on the job. Women, on the other hand, try to build skills before they accept new positions. They aren’t as willing to just jump in and prove themselves (and learn) as they go. It’s about confidence and courage…or a lack thereof.

“Women attribute their success to working hard, luck and help from other people,” says Sandberg. “Men will attribute that same success to their own core skills.”

What do you attribute your success to?

O but I digress! I’m supposed to be writing about how to see what’s wrong with your marriage – not how to run your career and life.

How to See What’s Wrong With Your Marriage

These tips are in direct response to a reader, who is in denial about what is going on in her relationship with her husband.

What is destroying your marriage?

“My husband’s job is going to ruin our marriage,” says my reader. “He travels constantly, three weeks at a time. If you add all the weeks of his traveling due to his job, he is gone approximately 5-6 months out of the year and that makes me very unhappy….He knows how I feel and he doesn’t seem to mind it at all.”  ~ from 7 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over.

I don’t think her husband’s career will ruin their marriage. The problem is her HUSBAND. This wife can’t see what’s really wrong with her marriage because she doesn’t want to admit the truth.

The truth is that her husband doesn’t care – or doesn’t know – how unhappy his wife is. She says he knows how she feels, but we don’t know for sure what he knows. Is he deliberately ignoring how unhappy his wife is? I don’t know.

Have the courage to lean in

I think she and all wives should take a page from Sheryl Sandberg’s book and LEAN IN. To me, this means having the courage and confidence to say what we think about our husband’s behavior, job, comments, and choices. I think I’m a strong woman, but I often find myself hesitating to criticize or say what I really think to my husband. Maybe it’s because I fear he’ll stop loving me, or he’ll leave me.

Are you scared to lean in to your marriage? Read How to Be Yourself in Your Relationship – Self-Identity and Love.

Can you see the truth about what’s wrong with your marriage?

Here’s the rest of my reader’s comment:

“He cheated on me many times, over the Internet, and was thinking about meeting random ladies on dating websites for sex. This was a few years ago, so how am I supposed to trust him when he’s away? He says he isn’t cheating on me and that’s all in the past. But, I still can’t get over it and his business trips drive me crazy. My mind plays tricks on me and I’m just not happy. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore…after 13 years of marriage…I keep waiting and waiting and nothing changes.”

There is so much going on here! Infidelity, lack of trust, selfishness, and lack of motivation to take action. Waiting for your marriage to change won’t work, my friend. The only thing that needs to change is YOU. You need to take action to try to fix what’s wrong with your marriage, or leave your husband.

And that involves leaning in, trusting yourself, and having faith that you ARE strong enough.

Have you leaned in to your marriage? I haven’t explored Sandberg’s thoughts on “leaning in”, but Melissa Lawrence has on What Does Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In” Really Mean? It’s a great article, and I firmly believe that Sandberg’s thoughts on women leaning in at work will benefit women in their marriages.

Control what you can in your marriage

Another tip from Sheryl Sandberg:

“My message is not one of blaming women. There’s an awful lot we don’t control, but there is an awful lot we can control and we can do for ourselves, to sit at more tables, raise more hands.”

What can you do for yourself? How can you take action in your marriage and life, to make things better? How can you take your power back?

Here’s a final quip from Sandberg, related to you seeing what’s wrong with your marriage…

“Everyone knows that marriage is the biggest personal decision you make, but it’s the biggest career decision you can make… Partner with the right person because you cannot have a full career and a full life at home with the children if you are also doing all the housework and childcare.”

Have you partnered with the right man? If not, how can you change your marriage and life?

The post How to See What’s Wrong With Your Marriage appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

One way to adjust to living on your own again is to escape into a different world from time to time…

You moved out, you know it’s better this way, and yet you can’t seem to adjust to living alone.

I hope these tips for coping with a split will help ease the pain – or at least give you something new to chew on!

First, in honour of my May theme of “moms who weren’t well-behaved”, here’s a quip from author and Dear Sugar columnist Cheryl Strayed:

“A terrible thing happened to you, but you mustn’t let it define your life.”

I don’t know if your split was terrible (he cheated on you and lied about it) or just a nuisance. Either way, breaking up and moving out is a huge life stress. It’s a loss you need to grieve – but it doesn’t define who or how lovable you are.

5 Tips for Coping With a Split

Stop clawing up the wall

“When you hit a wall, you must not claw at it. Back up. Take a look around. Let go of your needs and desires, and surrender.” – Iyanla Vanzant (another quip from a mother who wasn’t well-behaved!).

What are you fighting against – and what do you need to surrender to? Think about the biggest three adjustments you’ve had to make now that you’re living alone. Is it possible to stop fighting those adjustments, and instead start flowing with them? Whether the adjustments are big or little, they still sting.

Accept your reality as if you’d chosen it.

Wrestle with your inner demons

Here’s a wonderful tip for coping with a split, from Forbes.com:

“Take some time, hard as it may be, to reflect on why your relationship went wayward. Maybe you and your ex were never really compatible to begin with. Maybe you entered into your relationship or marriage with unrealistic expectations. Maybe you have a tendency to want to “save” those you love. One of the perks of living on your own is that you will be forced to wrestle with your inner demons. Learn to pinpoint and recognize these shortcomings, and try to find ways to balance out these irrational behaviors. Journal, meditate, join a church group, create art or read self-help books to help you on your journey to knowing your inner self.” – from Living on Your Own After a Breakup.

If you haven’t been in therapy yet, it’s a great time to jump in! Coping with a split takes a lot of work, and you may do better with external support.

Start letting go of the way you were

The reason my article about letting go of someone you love has been in my Top 10 since the day I wrote it is because we struggle to accept loss. We fight reality, and rail against the truth. We refuse to accept what is right in front of us, and it makes us miserable.

Life is loss and pain. It’s also full of incredible riches, people, and experiences! What do you want to focus on? It’s up to you. You decide.

Hold on to your hope for the future

Back to Dear Sugar’s tips for coping with a split:

“…your grief is extraordinary. I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry you got your heart crushed. My inbox is full of emails from people who are suffering for similar reasons and there’s nothing I can do for you or for them but say there are better days ahead. Time will heal this wound, sweet pea. I know that for certain, though I also know that feels impossible to you right now. There is more love to be found and you’ll find it someday and everything you learned from your 13 years with your former boyfriend will contribute to your ability to do it better next time around.” – from The Truth That Lives There.

In a few months, living alone won’t be such a big adjustment. Time will give you freedom and peace.

That’s only four tips for coping with a split. I’m hoping the fifth tip will come from you! What do you think – what’s a helpful way to adjust to living alone after a break up?

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But first, here’s what Elizabeth Gilbert writes in Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage:

“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”

Another tricky part is seeing the good stuff that’s “always” there…because sometimes all you see are the problems. The irritations. The habits and pet peeves and minor and major disturbances that make you want to run screaming for Saskatchewan.

Accepting your partner’s flaw is easier when…

You are aware of your own quirks, weaknesses, and bad habits. Perhaps the best ways to accept your partner’s flaws is to be aware of and accept your own.

I remember the first time I found out that I sometimes annoy and even enrage my husband. He had to point it out to me, actually (I’m not perfect? I can be irritating and wrong and frustrating?) I was shocked! He doesn’t love and lust after me all the time? Unbelievable.

It’s easier for me to accept my husband’s weaknesses when I remind myself of my own. My problem is that I’m very hard on myself for my mistakes, and this sometimes spills over into my marriage (I’m sometimes hard on Bruce for his mistakes).

Know the difference between his weaknesses, versus abuse or mistreatment

Gilbert mentioned the “crap underneath that can ruin you.” I think it’s important to be aware that there is crap and there is CRAP. Readers write me all the time, confused about their relationships and not knowing if they should leave their husbands. Sometimes it seems obvious that they should (abuse, lying, cheating, neglect, etc). Other times it’s just the normal boredom and frustration of marriage that gets people down.

How do you determine the difference between a “normal” flaw, quirk, or weakness in your husband, or a serious personality or character defect that can destroy your self-esteem or marriage? Thousands of women are married to good men, yet they want a divorce (which is why I wrote You’re Married to a Great Guy – Why Aren’t You Happy?).

Your husband’s flaws and weaknesses are “normal” when they DON’T leave lasting physical or emotional scars on your body and soul. You should accept your husband for who he is when you can tell your friends and family all about his quirks without being ashamed or embarrassed (not that you should or would want to spread around your husband’s flaws! It’s just that when you have to hide or keep secrets about your husband’s actions or words, then there may be a deeper problem).

What’s the secret to acceptance in marriage?

I think it’s about giving up your need to control your husband. Instead of focusing on his flaws and weaknesses, you need to let go of how he “should” be and what he “should” say and do.

Here’s a great tip from Kathleen Doheny, from 7 Marriage Tips to Stay Lucky in Love:

“It’s another one of those easier-said-than done marriage tips, of course. But trying to control each other – using a technique psychologists call “external control” – is the main source of marital unhappiness, according to the Glassers. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other. You have practiced this “external control” if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right.”

In a happy marriage, not only do you know you can’t control your husband – you don’t want to! You don’t want to create a clone of yourself. You want to love and accept your husband for who he is.

It’s your turn – how do you accept your husband’s flaws and weaknesses?

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